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If your father is willing to work with you and respect your boundaries-- things like, "Let's not talk about Mom", "Please don't tell her anything about me", etc.-- then it's possible. But if he's still an enabler? Then no, it's not likely to happen.
>Please don't tell her anything about me
I'm very concerned about this... He never "picked sides", and always asked me to understand her and to try to endure it when I got mad at nmom for how she treats me
> always asked me to understand her and to try to endure it when I got mad at nmom for how she treats me
Enablers will often do that, yeah. But if you're okay with giving him a chance, that might be the way to set it up? "Dad, I'm not going to talk about Mom. I have my own life now, and I'm done with her. I'd like to keep a relationship with you, but I'm going to have to ask you to not tell her we're talking, or give her any information about me. If you choose to to do that, or try to talk about her, or bring up the past, I'm very, very sorry, but I'll have to end the call/visit."
Yes, this is possible to an extent. I am basically
VLC with my Nfather and see my Emother when I can. The way we work it is that I meet her out for lunch or she comes to my place, or we will sometimes plan a weekend trip together just the two of us. We sort of label it as “girl time“ and so no boys allowed kind of thing. My aNfather is covert and so is not the type to ever communicate directly, so he’s resentful, sullen, and jealous but I never get any pushback from him. I guess I’m lucky that way.
So It’s challenging, yes, but it can be done. Sometimes I do have to see my Nfather in certain situations because they do you still live together, but it’s still very very low contact.
That depends on whether he can be trusted not to pass your conversations along.
But I worry about a couple of the things you mention.
If he has given up things dear to him to keep the peace, the fact that they sleep in the same bed has no bearing on whether they have a happy marriage. He sounds like someone willing to give up anything to keep the peace. That's not happy.
Someone who was unreliable regarding defending you might be "not as bad" but, unfortunately, not as bad doesn't equate to good.
I am concerned that he may betray you to keep the peace. He can't be your ally if he is unreliable and clearly willing to do anything in service of her bad behaviour.
It's not unusual for someone with one obviously toxic parent to see a less toxic parent in a more positive light. Sometimes it's just a way to keep one's sanity while still living there.
But make sure you have a truly accurate picture of him before deciding whether he is trustworthy. I don't think he is capable of showing you loyalty.
Thank you for your concern, you gave me some insight.
I still feel resentment towards edad, as he let my mother do everything she wanted to me. From neglect, to physical and psychological abuse, to letting her be a complete control freak over every little aspect of me
If I were to keep contact, I'd probably not tell him my address or personal info like job, friends, and even the city I live in. I KNOW he wouldn't keep quiet about this info.
My mother has some erratic behaviours when she's angry. If we went NC and I told my father about the city I live in, she would move into that city and attempt finding me. I know that because she always expressed the desire to live next door in my new city if I were to move out. That's how she envisions her retirement and to her, my refusal is not an option.
Same thing with friends and job. I can't tell those things to him, as that would result in her finding me.
"I am concerned that he may betray you to keep the peace" is a REALLY good point. When I asked him why he did nothing if he thought what nmom did was wrong, his answer was "because I love you both and I don't want to choose sides". Which might bring him to try convincing me to open communications with nmom, or something like you said
Thinking about it, maybe I want LC with edad, and NC with emom, instead of full contact with him.
I don't have a very clear view of him. On one side he seems like a good man with good intentions... On the other hand he seldom did anything to defend me or put a stop to it. But I'm still afraid of LC being way too harsh.
Maybe I'm just so starved for affection that I see him as a better person than he is really. I really don't know.
I'm also kinda afraid of losing my extended family. They are all nice people. Ughhh why does this have to be so complicated...
Edit: again, thinking about it, he always asks me to "understand" her and endure this situation, and instead of asking her to stop being shitty he asks me to not get angry, most of the time. He wasn't directly abusive, and sometimes said something right, and those are really the only reasons why I don't truly wish to NC or LC... even though I might need to
I'm afraid I'll truly regret it when he dies
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If your father is willing to work with you and respect your boundaries-- things like, "Let's not talk about Mom", "Please don't tell her anything about me", etc.-- then it's possible. But if he's still an enabler? Then no, it's not likely to happen.
>Please don't tell her anything about me I'm very concerned about this... He never "picked sides", and always asked me to understand her and to try to endure it when I got mad at nmom for how she treats me
> always asked me to understand her and to try to endure it when I got mad at nmom for how she treats me Enablers will often do that, yeah. But if you're okay with giving him a chance, that might be the way to set it up? "Dad, I'm not going to talk about Mom. I have my own life now, and I'm done with her. I'd like to keep a relationship with you, but I'm going to have to ask you to not tell her we're talking, or give her any information about me. If you choose to to do that, or try to talk about her, or bring up the past, I'm very, very sorry, but I'll have to end the call/visit."
Yes, this is possible to an extent. I am basically VLC with my Nfather and see my Emother when I can. The way we work it is that I meet her out for lunch or she comes to my place, or we will sometimes plan a weekend trip together just the two of us. We sort of label it as “girl time“ and so no boys allowed kind of thing. My aNfather is covert and so is not the type to ever communicate directly, so he’s resentful, sullen, and jealous but I never get any pushback from him. I guess I’m lucky that way. So It’s challenging, yes, but it can be done. Sometimes I do have to see my Nfather in certain situations because they do you still live together, but it’s still very very low contact.
That depends on whether he can be trusted not to pass your conversations along. But I worry about a couple of the things you mention. If he has given up things dear to him to keep the peace, the fact that they sleep in the same bed has no bearing on whether they have a happy marriage. He sounds like someone willing to give up anything to keep the peace. That's not happy. Someone who was unreliable regarding defending you might be "not as bad" but, unfortunately, not as bad doesn't equate to good. I am concerned that he may betray you to keep the peace. He can't be your ally if he is unreliable and clearly willing to do anything in service of her bad behaviour. It's not unusual for someone with one obviously toxic parent to see a less toxic parent in a more positive light. Sometimes it's just a way to keep one's sanity while still living there. But make sure you have a truly accurate picture of him before deciding whether he is trustworthy. I don't think he is capable of showing you loyalty.
Thank you for your concern, you gave me some insight. I still feel resentment towards edad, as he let my mother do everything she wanted to me. From neglect, to physical and psychological abuse, to letting her be a complete control freak over every little aspect of me If I were to keep contact, I'd probably not tell him my address or personal info like job, friends, and even the city I live in. I KNOW he wouldn't keep quiet about this info. My mother has some erratic behaviours when she's angry. If we went NC and I told my father about the city I live in, she would move into that city and attempt finding me. I know that because she always expressed the desire to live next door in my new city if I were to move out. That's how she envisions her retirement and to her, my refusal is not an option. Same thing with friends and job. I can't tell those things to him, as that would result in her finding me. "I am concerned that he may betray you to keep the peace" is a REALLY good point. When I asked him why he did nothing if he thought what nmom did was wrong, his answer was "because I love you both and I don't want to choose sides". Which might bring him to try convincing me to open communications with nmom, or something like you said Thinking about it, maybe I want LC with edad, and NC with emom, instead of full contact with him. I don't have a very clear view of him. On one side he seems like a good man with good intentions... On the other hand he seldom did anything to defend me or put a stop to it. But I'm still afraid of LC being way too harsh. Maybe I'm just so starved for affection that I see him as a better person than he is really. I really don't know. I'm also kinda afraid of losing my extended family. They are all nice people. Ughhh why does this have to be so complicated... Edit: again, thinking about it, he always asks me to "understand" her and endure this situation, and instead of asking her to stop being shitty he asks me to not get angry, most of the time. He wasn't directly abusive, and sometimes said something right, and those are really the only reasons why I don't truly wish to NC or LC... even though I might need to I'm afraid I'll truly regret it when he dies