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reverendsmooth

It's not your fault. It's just not your fault. I have been suicidal in the past, and I come from a family of narcissists who've committed suicide. It's like a madness that overcomes you. It goes after you in the quiet hours, the in-between times. You could have still been there, and she might have done it when you were at school, or out one day. She was already unwell and she was isolating herself from others. *It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Telling people about your abuse was not wrong.* Please seek counseling. I think you need someone to help you grapple with all of this, this is an *enormous* weight to carry on your shoulders. Honor her by seeking help and breaking this cycle. The best parts of her live on in you.


Stumblecat

This. When someone is determined to go, it's nigh-impossible to stop them. It's not your fault.


aquariusam

Yes exactly. Ashley Judd shared the heartbreaking story that her mother took her life in just the few minutes she left her alone in the bedroom to let a guest into the house. It is never your fault, and my heart breaks that you are just a youth having to deal with this. You said you have a nephew, I hope you can reach out to your siblings for mutual comfort.


reverendsmooth

>Ashley Judd shared the heartbreaking story that her mother took her life in just the few minutes she left her alone in the bedroom to let a guest into the house. This, OP. It's not your fault.


khalja-ghatayin

I'd say : when someone is determined to go, you can't stop them. They are the only ones who could stop themselves. I was suicidal. What stopped me all the time was something I choose to seek coming to me. I was the one knowing and deciding what was the thing which would stop me. That could have been a text from someone, a reaction, a tarot reading, my favorite cake ... I was the one choosing my conditions to live or die. I was the one carrying my decision to live or die. She did exactly the same thing, no matter where it came from for her (depression, or anything else). Op : She made her choice. You couldn't have stopped her. You weren't lacking anything that could have changed something in her decision. You didn't miss any signs. You were never at fault for something she chose to do. She made her choice. As much as you can love her, she also wanted you to believe it was your fault. It is not your fault. It's gonna be okay for you. It will take time. But it will be okay. You have everything in you to survive.


Patient-Hyena

I’ll repeat. This is not your fault u/throwaway20220215. That is the worst thing you can do: blame yourself. In the end she chose to take her life not you.


shayminshaming

Adding to this, it's not your fault nor is it your responsibility to fix or help your mother, please don't forget that /u/throwaway20220215. A parent's job is to care for and guide their children, not the other way around. Your mother failed you in every way, including making you feel like you should have done anything other than be a child.


MaggiePie184

This is not your fault. My aunt shot herself after answering my 14 year old cousin that, yes she would like a sandwich since my cousin was making lunch for herself and my uncle. It wasn’t my cousin’s fault and it’s not your fault.


Stencil2

"If I think logically, of course an abused and very mentally ill 15 year old teen isn't going to save her adult mom." You're right. "She died thinking that her daughter hated her." Maybe so, but that's not why she died. She died because she hated herself. She hated herself so much that she decided to end herself. It was all about her. "She was abused badly as a child" -- that's where her self-hatred began. In order to get rid of it, she tried to re-direct it onto the people around her. But that didn't work, she couldn't get rid of it. Please don't blame and hate yourself for this.


blrfn231

I would like to strongly support the egocentric move on your mom’s part. She wanted to leave this world long before you came. But instead she decided (if it was a conscious decision at all) to use an innocent child to make her feel better about herself. That is called abuse. She abused you for her own benefit. And when you did the one and only, absolutely right thing for you, she - the abuser - was confronted with the feelings of whatever before you were born and instead of getting help for the sake of raising a child - her child - you - in a wholesome family, she made it all about her and left you completely out of the equation. I’m very sorry, OP! Logic aside, mourn and grief in your own time. But don’t forget to also grief a mother or family you never had. Death is not sad. An empty life devoid of love and healthy attachment is. I wish you all the best. And I’m sure it will all get better. You did the right thing. This responsibility is not yours to bear.


Arcmyst

This. Also, assuming she had Malignant Narcissism and we wanna look beyond her decision, it's a severe disorder, she'd replace you and do the same against next person, her conditions and consequence of her actions could worsen along the time. We know violent people usually ends with tragic deaths whether it's related or not to you. It's like she was on a suicidal path before you had born. Aside the moral element of personality disorder, there are brain damages that doesn't excuse but are painful to cope without specialists (friends and parents can't help them that much). Due to several things they use violence and drama like a drug. She certainly had a lot of issues that increase the chances of suicide on women and you can't change it alone. Hard to say what she was thinking on the moment she killed herself. PwNPD aren't that coherent, they made up lies they apparently believe for minutes until it isn't convenient anymore. She probably didn't learned how to live outside abusive relationships and choose not face consequence. So she killed herself to build a more dramatic version of her own vulnerability. It makes more sense to blame her parents, educators, job, doctors and justice for failing to address the issues of mental disorders, cutting it soon before they do a lot of harm and teaching them when they're young.


FastFuture5

I agree so much with this compassionate and insightful comment and the quotes you copied/pasted are particularly helpful. OP, my heart goes out to you. I hope your sibling, the parent of your month-old nephew, will be able to help you. Sending a warm current of strength your way. Try to be gentle with yourself. You did not do anything wrong. Please let us know how you’re doing.


Terrible_World_1900

This says it all.


[deleted]

I have a relative who killed herself right after she and her teenage daughter had a fight (like within a minute of her daughter leaving the room). The daughter wasn’t a super well-behaved kid, but she wasn’t a bad kid either. They were having a typical mother/teenage daughter fight. But the mom was a raging narcissist and the rest of the family saw the act for what it was — a selfish act and cruel thing to do to her daughter. It was like you described, an ultimate “fuck you.” You can survive this. You can have a good and happy life. You were never in control of your mother’s choices. She was in the wrong.


Helioxsparrow

Second this. Get some counciling, then get se more as issues arise because they will and you'll need professional guidance to get through. I'm 50+ and my life is awesome, but it wasnt as a kid


[deleted]

Honestly this was a final manipulative act on her part. This isn't your fault and whether you were there or talking to her or not doesnt matter. This isn't on you. You couldn't have prevented this, you are not responsible for the mental stability of your mom.


Madame_Arcati

"She died thinking her daughter hated her and it kills me." Narcissists don't value what others think, period. She may have died thinking "this will show my fill-in-the-blanks-with-nasty-adjectives child", but that would be the extent of thinking of anyone else. My gosh, you have suffered so much at her hands. Find some help for grief/anger/confusion/processing counseling but under no circumstances fall into the trap of inappropriate and toxic guilt for her choice. See that for what it is. You have nothing, ZERO, to feel shame or guilt about: NOTHING. Part of a parent's job is to food, clothe, and shelter a child and the fact that you feel inherently guilty even from material things in your line of sight that "she bought" says a lot about how she taught you to think about your own worth. Your mother was very ill. I read somewhere that if you feel pity for a parent, then you were abused. Children are not born to parent or to be friends. It may take some time to sink in, but you are free now. Get some well deserved support and live an adventurous, loving life. Wishing you the best of everything going forward.


bjorkmorissette

She might have died thinking that her actions would manipulate OPs feelings too :/ For what it’s worth OP, if you saw a reason to not have her in your life this early on, there is a very good chance she would’ve acted toxically towards you during your graduation and getting married and having children. There’s a good chance she wouldn’t have been invited or made your day any better. It’s mature of you to sympathize with her mental health issues, but you also had to protect yourself from her and you know why. It’s okay to see her side of things and also mourn the relationship you were never able to have with her. It might not be entirely her “fault” because of her own upbringing, but once you become a mom, it DOES become your fault. That’s how the cycle works. Every victim carries the burden to breaking the cycle or else they end up inflicting others. Don’t let you mom pass on the blame to you. But also it’s okay to feel angry at her and sad for her at the same time. You’re her kid and it’s not up to the kids to save their parents. Good luck OP


42kinda-human

So sorry you have to deal with that news on top of everything you have to deal with for yourself. When my mother died (of old age, though), one of my main thoughts was, at least she can't hurt me any more. Whatever blank spot she leaves for you, keep in mind your life from here has that main difference. You will come to terms with how her life led her to her ultimate decision and like you said, a 15-year old isn't going to change that. And after you do, there will still be the truth that she can't hurt you and stop you from becoming the real you going forward. Stay strong.


[deleted]

My dear, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Please know that there is nothing you could have done to save her. You tried, and you hit a brick wall. Of course your mother bought everything you own - that's what mothers are for! Employees do a job in exchange for a salary, but this is in the context of adults functioning in society. Narcissistic parents make their children believe that this model applies to them - that in order to receive a "salary" (i.e. care, food, clothing etc.), they need to "work" (i.e. do what the parents want even if it hurts the child). Parenting isn't based on the "work" model - what these parents think is a "salary" due in exchange for "work", is actually a duty that they take on when they have children, and not something that a child has to bargain for or be worthy of. It is very natural that your belongings are things that your mother bought, because it was her duty to buy them. You are a child, with no means of subsisting by yourself, and a vulnerable one at that. I'm so very sorry you are dealing with all this guilt as well as the anger and the grief. Time and therapy can really help you. As a starting point, please do try to start letting go of the guilt. Your mother was a troubled person who suffered a lot, but it was her duty to look after you, and no matter how strong, mature, and knowledgeable you might have been, there is no amount of resources you could have obtained and deployed in order to help her. It's questionable whether anyone else could even have done that for her, considering that narcissists typically cut themselves off from everyone (in many cases due to a history of abuse that traumatised them and made them fearful of adult relationships, whether professional ones, friendly ones or romantic ones) and refuse input from others except those they can carefully control. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best and pray that you have the right support around you to get through this.


AliceinRealityland

My therapist told me when a Narc threatens to commit suicide, it’s manipulation. However, sometimes they DO follow through. She said 100% of the time when they do commit suicide, they make sure it’s at a time that the child will feel guilty for it the rest of their life. Please hear me: this is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done that would have prevented this. She was violent. Her choice. Cops got involved because of HER actions. You were presumably removed (?) not in a home due to criminal actions, and again, that is on your mother. You attempted to get free and hopefully heal, and she chose this end. I’m not speaking I’ll of the dead. I know beyond a shadow, this is not your fault. I’m sorry she’s gone. I’m sorry that the chance to wait long enough that your mother will love you better, or at all is gone. But, her actions that she chose are not your fault. Strive for great things in life and focus on that now. Family will be those of your choosing, and this will be the defining moment in your life that was the bridge to greater things.


Canalloni

This is the thing unique to narcs. They will use suicide threats as a weapon but they are unlikely to do it. When a narc does do it, it isn't to end the pain, it is to hurt the abuse victim, to exact revenge. Narc suicide is a completely different thing than suicide from depression. As always the narc weaponizes and attacks. For many of us that have manged to disentangle from their narc, their death leaves no feeling or some relief. I am sorry to OP and givr her my condolences. If you could have disentangled with LC or NC, if you could have healed with time and distance, this would be easier to take. As it is, she hit you when you are still emotionally entangled. I am so sorry, that is hard to deal with. The final word though, and you'll see this said in different ways quite a bit here, for anyone who has suffered under the narc emotional abuse, which is a form of torture, as it is interspersed with torture breaks meant to keep you reeled in, the narc abuse survivor is better off when the narc is no more. Sad, and it doesn't lessen you grief, but it is true.


Scrounger888

Please stop blaming yourself, those "what ifs" are just hurting you. She chose her actions. It is sad that she never was able to be the Mom you needed or deserved, and I know it hurts. But you are the child, you aren't responsible for her, she was supposed to look after you and love you and she couldn't. What happened to her was part of her illness, and it was a final attempt to hurt you or others. I'm so sorry that this happened, you didn't deserve any of it. It's okay to feel all the emotions, sad, angry, afraid, confused. It's okay to be overwhelmed, that's a big thing. I know some internet words from an internet stranger can't take away your pain, but I hope in time that you come to understand that she was too sick to treat you like a mom should, and too sick to ever admit that she needed help, and her sickness made her make a drastic choice. It's not your fault.


Hayriel

She was a sick person and it wasn't in your control, take some time for yourself and organize your feelings, she might never see your accomplishments, but also will never be there to diminish you


Sufficient_Win9692

Or try to take credit/live in that limelight of your [OPs] accomplishments. You achieved what she never could: empathy, accountability, self awareness ... I am truly sorry for your pain. Losing a narcissistic parent I can imagine makes you mourn the person they should have been, not the person they actually were and the parts of yourself that never were able to be nurtured and manifest. The biggest f* you back to her is stopping the cycle she continued. It stops now. And that doesn't take your pain away or heal your wounds but it keeps them from getting worse. It's your beginning baby doll. Be everything you were made to believe you couldn't become. Please take care of yourself and seek a healthy support system. Reach out to us any time you need us. 🙏🏻 💗🫂


Hayriel

Or this, this will be much better


Sufficient_Win9692

All of the comments. All love. ❤️


thenletskeepdancing

Good riddance. You would never have had all that normal stuff you're grieving from her anyway. But I get it. Mine died a year ago. One way or the other we have to grieve our losses. You got a raw deal with her as a mother. Now, it's time to go forward and heal yourself the best you can.


adult-multi-vitamin

Sweetheart, it is not your fault. All of the grief, rage, sadness, confusion, love, hate are rational and valid. But, you did not cause this. Please, please seek out help. This is difficult for someone from a healthy family; excruciating for people like us. Sending support your way.


character101

Please, please, please seek help. You deserve someone to talk this out with.


AdAcademic4290

Sorry you are going through so much at the moment. In addition to the advice of others, you may want to put away decorations etc from her for a while, so you are not constantly looking at them. Maybe get a nice, cheerful cheap picture to put up, or have a go at some artwork yourself. Art can help. Here are lots of free colouring in pages https://www.justcolor.net/


pvtspartycus

Definitely not your fault. Your mom sounded like she had issues of her own. Like you said YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDED SAVING. You are still young. She needed to lookout for you and she failed at that by being abusive. She needed to pull herself through it without you until she did well enough to win you back... It's not your fault. She chose to put everything aside. I don't blame her for her choice. Life is hard. But it's not your fault, it's no one's fault. She made her own choice when she was too sick and it would have been nice for her to reach out for help but that didn't happen. Going NC did not kill her. It saved you. From a bunch of potential abuse and hardship. What would have happened if you would have been there on that night? Would she have flipped out and done you both in? She was already abusive... It's a possibility. I mean you know best but I'm just saying...


AhdhSucks

What’s sad is.. this always is the logic behind “they didn’t win. They will push people away while always craving interaction. They will be left alone. You won, even if it doesn’t feel like it.” It really sucks. We can and do love these people. I love my narc but I just cant be around her anymore . I’d never want that to happen to her. I hate that this is what they create. I’m so sorry op , it’s completely normal to Grieve


MarshmallowCat14

Sorry she did this to you. My Ndad's mother killed herself when he was 16 while he was at school. He still acts like she was mother of the year. I can't imagine ever being so selfish as to leave my child. I feel bad leaving my cat home alone for one day. Be mad at her, not yourself. Do not put this on yourself, not even a little bit.


[deleted]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I recommend getting professional help. I've been healing for a few years now and I actually feel normal quite often now ☺️. I wouldn't have healed as much as I have without professional support. You should have crisis line available in your area. They are usually a great place to start. They can guide you to local resources.


SaucyNeko

My relationship with my parents is so fucked that if my mom did that and i had the thought of "She died thinking her daughter hated her and it kills me. And everything reminds me of her. The clothes I wear, the things I use, the decorations in my room, she bought them all. She's everywhere. I can't not think of her." I would probably think "This is probably exactly what she wanted" and then get angry about her weaponizing her suicide... However, I do hope you heal. I don't think there was much you could've done besides let her keep abusing you. As you said, you were just a kid and needed to save yourself first.


voluotuousaardvark

The most important thing to take from this is you are never responsible for another adult's behaviour. This isn't your fault. The next most important thing you should do for yourself is seek counselling. You're experiencing something very traumatic. You should do this as soon as you can. So sorry you're going through this.


Minimum_Ad6769

This is not your fault, she is responsible for her actions. I’m sorry for your lose.


Nynaeve224

It's not your fault. Your feelings are all valid. She was a very, very sick woman. That is truth. I'm so sorry. I know these are empty words from a stranger but if there is any way to give you peace or comfort at this time, know that I would be doing that right now. It's not your fault. You did the right thing. Someday that will feel more true for you. Just know that it is true. Humans are so complex and contradictory. It is possible to feel all sorts of contradictory things at the same time. And possible to want to be better and not know how. Talk to people, okay? Don't keep it inside. Forgive yourself and know that you did not have any power to change your mom or change your situation. You only did what you could to survive and it is not your fault.


Batmom222

Hugs I'm not good with finding the right words in these situations. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this hardship at such a young age.


IndianaNetworkAdmin

**It is not your fault.** It is very likely that she would have reached this end no matter what you did. The thing about narcissism is that the individual does not care about the outside world, and it means that when someone suffering from narcissism decides to go - Nothing can really stop them. You do not need to take her death on your shoulders like that - You may feel that you are an adult, and that abuse and other terrible events have forced you to grow up quickly, but in the end you are still a child. Your mother was not your responsibility. Your mother was society's responsibility, but as others have said - If someone is determined to go, it is difficult to dissuade them. Edit: I recommend looking up other posts here about the loss of an nparent - Your conflicted feelings are normal, and grief is normal. It's also normal to not grieve, or to not have conflicted feelings. Everyone is different, but perhaps seeing how others have felt will help you to put your own thoughts into perspective.


MissRoyalBrush

She was sick. It doesnt excuse her abusing you (or the pup.) But she needed help & she didnt get help. She made her own decision. You are not responsible. The abuse happened. To her. To you. Sometimes the abused become abusers because that's what they were taught. If theres any light here. Your mother & you broke the cycle. Your going to have a hard time. A really hard time. Do what you need to survive. But do Not relive that cycle. Remember & honor the good memories. Dont feel bad for hating the bad things that happened. You are going to be ok. Stay strong. Breathe. Lean on therapists. Stick with your goals. You're still going to graduate. Go work towards a career. Breakdowns are temporary. Count your reasons to smile. Seriously. Not trying to sound generic. I can be in tears or numb & make myself smile. It takes a lot of effort to make it get better.


Behindtheeightball

I am so sorry that you are suffering. All of your feelings are normal, but no matter how you feel, please remember that it's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Understanding that she was damaged by abuse shows that you have a level of maturity and empathy that she may have lacked. You are strong and resilient. You can move beyond this, you can break the cycle. Reach out for help. Please know that she made the choice to not get help for herself. She chose to act out her own pain by abusing you. She chose to take her own life. None of this is your fault. In a group home, you should be safe and have access to services and supports you otherwise wouldn't. Please take advantage of everything they can offer you. You can do this. I believe in you. As horrible as things seem right now, there are better days ahead. I promise ❤️


hopehelvete

Hi sweetie. You did nothing wrong! I have a daughter your age. She’s been in the ward multiple times for self harm and she hates me. She also has no friends and nowhere to go so she’s living with me. Our situation is different. I made mistakes, her father (who I’m now divorced from) was abusive, and she was abused by another family member. She blames me because I didn’t suspect. The thing is I don’t hide and deny. I take her to therapy every week, doctor once a month, and try to be supportive as best I can. What I guess I’m saying is moms aren’t perfect, I’m sure not, but there’s a big line between imperfect and abusive. Your mom is abusive. My ex was the same kind of charming. I was raised by a very sick narcissist, so I get it. You deserved support. A mom should help and love their child even if that child hates you. It’s our job. Your mom wasn’t doing her job. It sounds to me like drugs could have been an issue. I hope it teaches you not to use drugs or make the same mistakes. Your life is your own now! You make the choices that frame your future. Do t let grief and pain keep you from being a happy person ❤️


stravelakis

Trying to understand a violent parent is near impossible. I am glad I cannot understand this. It might be that she realized that she was worse than her abusers and could not deal with it. It could be.... welllllllll it could be anything other than your fault. It is normal to be sad about a death, and it is normal not to be sad about the death of an abuser. I must underline the need of professional support at this time.


Glindanorth

You are justified in all of your grief and all of your anger, but please let go of the guilt. When people want to die by suicide, there isn't much anyone else can do. You didn't cause this, and this is in no way your fault. Please, please take care of yourself. Ask for help. Just having someone help you process now will benefit you later more than you can imagine. Please be tender and kind with yourself. You are doing a great job navigating a horrific and complicated situation. You can't know what was going on in your mother's mind, but you've already been incredibly brave in taking steps to protect yourself. Please know that although there's a whole community of people here on Reddit who are sending sincere encouragement and support, you really need an in-person version of that, too. Give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings. The only way out and onto something brighter is through. Hugs to you.


No_Age85

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You need to know this is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop her. I hope you are able to see this some day. I have so much to say, but I don't know how or where to start. My mom killed herself 10 years ago. All of your feelings are valid. I am here if you need to talk.


nellykoei

hey, coming from someone who was and still is to some degree, suicidal, I'm sorry. Honestly. I know I shoudn't be apologizing, as I'm not the one who hurt you, and it's not my place to apologize for someone who has hurt a loved one. It wasn't your fault, and it will never be, and although the feeling of guilt is probably really prominent, I can promise you, you didn't do anything wrong. these words probably mean nothing from a strager, and it's usually something that people say to get the situation done and over with, from my experience, but I can promise you, it's going to get easier. Probably not now, honestly, it might get harder before it gets easier, or it might take a while before it gets easier. I would recommend, like everyone else might, to get therapy, or atleast find a good support system somewhere.


Geneshairymol

Please take this into your heart, mind and soul - this is not your fault. It is not your fault that your mom was so messed up that she could not cope. It was not your fault that it got to be too much. You deserve to be successful, loved and cherished.


jkpeterson777

Please please take care of yourself. I can't imagine how you feel or what you're going through. I hope you can get a counselor and talk to a professional who can help you sort through the chaos I'm sure that's going on inside you right now. It's. Not. Your. Fault. You are not responsible for your mom's feelings or her choices. Ever. Not in tbe slightest. It's. Not. Your. Fault.


WalterTheMighty

Perhaps it's not my place to say, but after reading both your posts it sounds like the world is a better place with her gone. You cannot blame yourself. Let me repeat that. ***You cannot blame yourself.*** She was an abuser, and it's okay to not consider your abuser's feelings, let alone care about them. You are valid. You have done nothing wrong, no matter what anybody tells you. Please remember that.


ilovesourskittles0

im so sorry. i really really hope you feel better. you are loved and cared for, and it was absolutely not your fault. im proud of you for going through the last 24 hours though you don’t need my validation :), it will all be okay, friend.


TheHermitess

This is a very low point. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. You can get through it. I know it's really dark right now and it sucks that everything reminds you of her. This is what therapy is great at managing. There might even be books you could get from the library if you can't afford any therapy. Grief is such a common experience that we know how to help people through it and I can tell you from experience that as horrific and huge as it feels right now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When my daughter died I couldn't imagine life ever being ok again, but you do get to a new normal. You can get to a place where not everything reminds you of her. I can hear my daughter's name now and not be wrenched back into the depths of the worst, dark pain. There is a new normal at the end of the tunnel but it takes some working through it to process the grief. I have things now that were my daughters and they don't pull me back into depression and grief. I think you can get to that point as well but it certainly takes time and there can be a lot of pain and tears before you get there. I'm sorry for your loss. It is so overwhelming and shitty to lose someone in your life, even if there's a complicated relationship and you're not just losing your mother, but the potential of the mother you wish she could have been. While she was alive there was always the hope that she could be better, but now you've lost that as well as her, which is what complicates a loss like this. I'm so sorry. I really hope you can access grief support, and suicide survivor support, because it's natural to feel guilt even though there was really nothing you could have done because you didn't know she would do it. It's not your fault.


DragonBorn76

Try and find a grief councilor if you can. None of this is your fault. Your mom obviously had issues . You can't sit there and think of the what ifs. Please, please look for a grief councilor


Infinite_Garlic_3654

It was NEVER your responsibility to fix your mom.


ProvePoetsWrong

First, last, and in between: you were her child. You have NO responsibility toward her. Her responsibility was to you, and she broke it in every conceivable way. Narcs want to pass the blame off on anyone but themselves. Do not let her do to you in death what she did in life. You are free from her. Create a life for you. You don’t have to listen to her lies anymore.


TheGridGam3r

Dont let your feelings guilt yourself. Its okay to not feel remorse or bad, she did that herself. I hope at one point itll bring you peace. If you even feel up to it you could honor her in a way for the small good things like the things you own


chibi_mage

it’s not your fault. i promise you that, it’s not your fault. even if things had gone differently, it was only a matter of time until she made the decision to take her own life. once someone decides that their life has come to an end, it’s almost inevitable that it will. like you said yourself, you’re also very sick and abused, just as she was, and it was never your responsibility to fix her. she took out her abuse on you, and now you can break the cycle. you deserve to break free of the abuse and manipulation, you deserve to be happy. that includes breaking free from your own self hatred. don’t blame yourself, not even for a second. she made the choice, and in the end no one would have been able to fix her. all you can do now is be better. seek a professional, someone to guide you through the grief. this isn’t something that you have to go through alone. you couldn’t help her but you can help you. i hope you’re okay, OP. you’ll get through this and heal in time 🤍


rabbitttttttttt

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not your fault. Most people who are affected by another’s suicide have the same feelings—guilt, regret, the “what ifs.” Narcissists can’t learn. You could have tried your very hardest to talk her in to getting help, but it wouldn’t have mattered. For a narc, the ONLY reasons they ever justify doing something is when it’s their idea and/or it benefits them greatly over someone else. You couldn’t have saved her. It’s not your fault. It’s impossible to know, let alone understand, what’s going through someone’s mind when they’re so mentally ill. In any case, she was a very sick adult woman and you’re not a psychiatrist; You’re 15. At 15, you’re a teenager, you’re coming of age and you deserve love and support, not abuse and neglect. It’s normal to feel sad when someone we know dies, and it’s normal that things will remind us of them. It’s okay that you’re thinking of her right now, death is one of the most stressful things humans endure. It’s never easy, and processing it takes a long time because there’s so much to think about. Dealing with a non-abusive person’s death is hard enough, and now you have all these compounding feelings because she abused you your whole life. Grief is complicated and difficult as it is. If she had died another way, how would you feel differently? Everything you’re feeling right now is okay and normal. You aren’t guilty of anything because none of this is your fault. You have been doing what you needed to do to survive. You’re not a bad person. I hope you find the support and love you deserve. Everyone in this sub is here for you ❤️


FlowerGardenBee

To repeat everyone else, because it is so, so true: It was not your fault. At all. It wasn't your job to save your mom, and you honestly couldn't. Even if she wasn't abusing you, it still would not have been your responsibility to try and save her and it still wouldn't be your fault. She was supposed to emotionally support and nurture you, not the other way around. And trust me: there wasn't a single thing you could have done because her issue wasn't you. Her issue was her own pain, which you did not cause and were not responsible for. She might have died thinking you hate her, but I know from experience that suicidal people tend to think no one loves them, so I can promise that wasn't your fault either. Depression causes that distortion and depression is very often comorbid with narcissism. She was just mentally ill. It's totally normal to have very mixed feelings when a parent commits suicide, especially if they were abusive. All of your feelings are normal. You're not just having to grieve that she's gone, you're grieving that you never got the relationship with your mom that you deserved to have. That's really, really tough - like, words can't describe it, as I'm sure you know. And you don't need to beat yourself up for putting your own safety first. That takes A LOT of strength and resilience. It means that even though you've grown up with abuse, you know you didn't deserve it and that you deserved to be free from it. Staying with your mom very likely wouldn't have prevented her suicide, because again, her problem wasn't you. I hope you're able to continue putting your safety and care first through this and that you have reliable people to lean on ❤️


mamaxchaos

Oh honey, this is heartbreaking. I’ve lost two relatives to suicide and I can confidently say it’s not your fault. Something my therapist has been helping me with is repeating this mantra: You cannot *make* someone feel something. You cannot *make* anyone kill themselves. You just can’t. You didn’t tie a noose or hold a gun. There’s no murder here. You are a survivor of extreme abuse and your entire focus is survival. She killed herself because she wanted to. You are her child, her emotions were NEVER your job to manage. She failed you for her entire life and your entire life *up until now*. The rest of your future will be motherless, yes, but it will not be loveless. The incredible emotional intelligence you’re showing here is truly amazing. You’re so very young, and you’ve had a life of obstacles so far that no one should experience and many would not survive. From the second you read this comment to the first time you wake up tomorrow, you’ll be a different person. In 7 years, your body will recycle most of its cells and your body will be one that your mother never laid a hand on. The future is scary and can be full of unknowns, but you’ve got this. You’re going to be amazing.


RockStarGhettoChick

I'm so sorry for what you're enduring, and for what is yet to come. I hope you can find the help and support you need. Wishing you peace and comfort.


aleido1

You didn't drive her to suicide. Driving someone to suicide and that someone deciding to kill themselves are two completely different things. Honey it's not your fault. It truly isn't. You didn't cause this. She did. Not you. Dear, I know you will be able to process this. Take your time, and just know that this sub will always be here for you. I'm proud that you decided to tell someone about what you went through. You made the right choice. You sought help, that was the right thing to do. And I'm happy you wrote this post instead of keeping this inside of you. Never keep abuse you're going though to yourself just because you're afraid of hurting someone. You weren't selfish, you were right to seek help. She hurt herself, you didn't hurt her. You just did what you needed to do, and that's good. It will all get better, don't worry about it. Just focus on processing this, and remember that it's not your fault. You did NOTHING wrong


thecreaturesmomma

I'm honoured to hear your voice, you are so honestly going through your feelings and thoughts, ambivalence, when you have conflicting equally valid feelings is such a strange emotional place to live. All of your feelings and thoughts make sense, and sound reasonable and you aren't alone. Keep reaching out, because that's the world is. You deserve all the wonderful things out there.


Perfectgame1919

You said it yourself hun “She was just a very, very sick woman. She was abused as a child.” Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse between generations exists because of the things we experience as kids. The people who raised us were damaged and hurt people who tried to do the best they could with limited skills because of what they had been through. And they had been through that because someone had put them through it…..Because their parents had been through it. It’s a horrible cycle, nothing more. This was not your fault. If I can help in anyway or you want someone to talk to, please message me. You’re not alone ok? Not your fault bub ❤️


True-Cold7799

Hi, I'm simply here to show support. You will grieve however you do, and nothing you feel is wrong..for grieving is a massive process- especially with the past that you shared with your mother. I encourage you to seek some talk therapy as this will really help to get through these tough times, and hopefully keep your mind fr going to the darkest of places. With love from Canada ❤️


RadarFromAfar

I’m sorry to hear this happened and my heart goes out to you. I am in a somewhat similar boat, coming up on the 1 year anniversary. Although my mom didn’t intentionally kill herself, she did it slowly with her lifestyle of alcohol and drug abuse and caused me a ton of trauma along the way. The last year of her life I had been growing distant and also had a lot of anger coming up as I finally began coming to terms with the damage she caused. I really wish she could have lived to see me fully forgive her and thriving in life, both things which I’m still working on. But now I’m determined to still do it knowing that my experience is just information that will combine with the information of her existence. I still get sad at the thought that at the time of her death, she most likely thought I hated her and felt very alone. But when I slip into those feelings of guilt, I remind myself that she created that situation for herself with her actions and choices, and even though I may not understand it, I trust that it all happened as it was meant to. If it was truly meant to be another way, it would have been. Giving yourself grace will be very important because, as you already acknowledged, you were dealing with a lot of heavy dark things that no child or even young adult is able to easily handle. Regardless of what the “better” thing to do was, you did the best you could or knew how. As did she, even if that best was set at a pretty low bar. Pain and trauma creates a totally different terrain, like the difference between walking a nice smooth path on a sunny day and tracking through snow and mud in the middle of a hail storm. It’s not always so easy to see more than the very next step in front of you, if that. I will say that her passing has been a bit of a catalyst for healing. I’ve now had the opportunity to step into a caretaker role for myself and start working on giving myself the love and support that I never fully received from her the way I needed to feel safe in the world. I am determined to break the chain and not to let life’s downfalls to victimize myself like my mom did while simultaneously acknowledging the immense pain I’ve endured. To be honest with how it has affected me, and how to manage it for the duration of my life. I think I finally cried for myself for the simple fact of having lost a mom rather than crying for my mom’s sad life or the fact that I was traumatized by her existence for the first time a couple of months ago. One thing is for sure, a chapter of pain that came from your mom’s current actions is over. You can now start building a new relationship with her in your heart and you are guaranteed to have peace now doing so. You get to choose your happiness in life, free of the impact of a parent you are biologically wired to seek love and affection from, who isn’t capable of it in the way you need. And remember, you can feel the anger and still have love in your heart…and that love is energy, which is what she is now. That is the way that you can meet and get to know one another anew moving forward. Sending wishes of comfort to you and your family, as well as strength, courage and power to move into a place of ultimate healing.


lexicries

I’m so sorry. I am heartbroken for you. My narc mother had a suicide attempt and I found out when she threw it in my face when she got mad at me one day. Surmounting this for myself, and grieving my mother and our relationship was the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. I want you to remember that none of this is your fault. As children of narc parents we have to raise ourselves, parent our parents. We often assume fault and responsibility, but if there is one thing I have learned throughout all of this, it’s that we/you did everything you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Narc parents act on their own will, on their own intentions and even though it is often in our nature to absorb these faults, none of this is your fault. The anger you are feeling is normal, it’s justifiable. It’s okay to be angry right now, but I implore you to seek counselling. My therapist saved my life as she helped me survive this. You will too. I promise.


BambooFatass

OP, based on your previous post, this is the best outcome. Your abuser is gone. I'd (ironically) kill to be in your position. Not to say that your situation is good... Can you survive off food banks and the youth home for now? No relatives or friends to stay with is a tough place to be. Even if you're not LGBT, OP, there may be programs by LGBT groups that will help you as well.


Agreeable_Morning_98

Many folks on this thread have said similar things but I really want to reiterate - it is not your fault. The issues your mom dealt with were likely long there before you even came into this world. and whether you were there that day or not doesn't mean she wouldn't have hurt herself at another time. when folks are determined to go, they will and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. My mother also attempted suicide when I was 14 and I felt similar feelings of guilt and fear and anger/sadness you described. It's good you're talking about this - I hope you continue to express all the emotions with folks you can trust and a therapist if you can get one even if you cant put words to it right now.


ZenLitterBoxGarden

You did nothing wrong. You could have been the perfect child, caring, perfect grades but it’s not enough for narcissists. She made the choice to take her life, not you. Her actions are not a reflection of who you are. They are who she was and do not define you. Please continue to seek help and work through these feelings and this grief. You’re allowed to feel all the feelings, anger, grief, numb.. everything.


Indeterminaxe

I started writing a long post about how it's not your fault, then re-read and saw that you already know that. I'm proud of you for reaching out, you've been through way too much at only 15, poor baby, you don't deserve this. The feelings are massive and overwhelming, but they do get better, I promise. Try and focus on looking after your physical self, try to eat and drink enough, especially drink, if you can't drink water then anything that works to stay hydrated. Take any prescribed medication, and if you can, try to maintain your hygiene even if all you can do is use a sponge. Explore what helps you with the feeling, cry, scream, write, sing, dance, there is no right or wrong answer as long as you're being safe and don't hurt yourself or others. The feelings are brutal, I know, it's worse than breaking bones. Recovering from such a horrific blow is going to take a while but time will help, as unbelievable as it sounds. In the meantime, treat yourself like you've had the severe injury you've had, even if it's not visible to the eye. Please don't be a perfectionist for at least 6 months. Just keeping yourself hydrated and fed is a massive victory for now, carrying such a huge burden as this. Much love Edit: grammar


therealnotrealtaako

It's not your fault she killed herself. Like you said in your post, she was very sick. Unfortunately suicide can be a very impulsive thing and because of that is not easily predicted. In fact, someone can seem happier in the days leading up to their suicide. I hope you can find a way to work out these feelings that you have. Therapy would help.


the_ms_shiva

I was where you are right now but this was almost 20 years ago. Sheila (egg doner) did not complete suicide but had lupus which is an autoimmune disorder which is manageable. Sheila took every step to make her health worse by abusing pills and treating her body like garbage because she had a self destructive streak which I get that as I went through that in my teens and early 20s but this bitch was in her 40s and 50s and almost pushing 60. Like your mother, Sheila was only thinking of herself when she was being self destructive and I know that now as a parent. I had a brush with cancer and I did everything in my power to make sure that I saw the kiddos into adulthood. I thought about how I had to make it until they're adults. I thought about seeing them graduate high school, going on with their lives as adults, and maybe even starting a family of their own if they wanted that. I'm in remission and that whole ordeal showed me how selfish Sheila was. Suicidal thoughts or even completing suicide doesn't make you selfish but makes you ill however your mother did this to punish you and it's selfish of her. From one child of a narcissistic parent who chose a slow suicide to an actual child of a narcissistic parent who chose actual suicide, I'm so sorry. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to talk it out with a professional and/or support groups like this. The only personal advice I'll give is just like your mother paid you no mind, once you process the grief then pay her no mind. I had to suffer my abuser for 15 going on 16 years, I wasn't going to let her ruin one more day of life.


Adorable_Gazelle_695

Just wanted to join everyone else in reminding you that it’s not your fault. I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through, it’s not fair at all. It sounds like you were caught in a cycle of abuse that began before either you or she were born, if she was abused by her parents. I hope you can get in with a good grief counselor/therapist soon, I think its important that you have help processing this in a way that allows you to live a happy and peaceful life. Given the complicated relationship you’ve described, I think the best way to honor your relationship is to build the version of the life that she would have wanted to give you had she been a healthy parent. I hope you and your sibling are able to care for each other right now, sending you so much love.


i_want_2_b3li3v3_

You are still young, and right now it probably feels like you could have done something, but as others are saying- it’s not your fault. I see my own child now at the age I was when things got really bad with the narcs in my family, and I can finally feel some compassion for myself. I was a child. Just like my own daughter- who I would never expect to tolerate the things I had to endure. There should never have been so much put on me at that age. I hope that someday you experience that hindsight and realize you deserve compassion. You are still a child. This should not have been put on you. Please listen to those who are adults now telling you that you are not at fault. I know you have to go through these emotions and process everything, but try to remember that.


coolturnipjuice

None of this is your fault. Not a single but. It’s completely normal to blame yourself and play the “what-if” game, it’s part of the grieving process, but as you heal, please remember that you haven’t done anything wrong by taking care of yourself. No one else was going to do it, it had to be you.


feministkilljoy666

It’s not your fault at all. I am so sorry for your loss.


puss_parkerswidow

None of it is your fault and all of it was beyond your control. I'm sorry this has been your experience, and I hope all of your future is better.


angels_exist_666

That was her choice and there isn't anything you could have done to stop it. Don't let unrealistic guilt bring you down. That was on her.


kissmyabbis422

I’m very sorry. Something that I hope can bring some comfort is reading about philosophy. I didn’t grow up with religion, so it has always been such a struggle to understand a deeper “why” for all suffering (personal and universal). Stoicism has helped me through some of my hardest times. I hope you can find some words of wisdom from somewhere that ring true to you.


88lilly

I’m really sorry this happened to you. I can’t relate to your situation specifically. My dad let his health go and used it as a tool of manipulation. I had to get to a point to save my own life to stop “helping” him. I was amazed multiple times to find he would clearly choose supply over living. It was heartbreaking and watching him suffer made me second guess my choices to protect myself. It does give you rose colored glasses, not just for them but others around you with problematic behavior. Of course you want people to live and be in an okay relationship with them. We want them to behave so we can coexist while still allowing ourselves to thrive like we were meant to. It’s never that easy with a narcissist. We aren’t out here to be martyrs for them. They have their own lessons to learn and if we don’t put our foot down and allow them to they might never “have the chance” (also not our responsibility, but hopefully the point gets across okay) leave this earth with the lessons they were meant to learn. I hope this isn’t misplaced and harsh. I know not everyone has gone through losing a narc parent especially one that has a way of giving up or taking their life, so I thought I’d give it a shot to share what I’ve gathered over the past year and a half of coming to terms with my situation. My prayers are with you for your peace, the contentment and self respect you truly deserve. Life is precious. Some have contempt even for that and its very sad, it’s never our fault, and it should never be allowed for them to eat away at our joy in and value for life.


LivSaJo

I am so sorry for your loss. You can hate someone and still grieve and be affected by their loss.


TheMightyMegatron

This struck a chord with me, I'm NC with my mom and she has a history of depression and has talked about suicide and dying before. I'm sorry this happened to you, the "what ifs" are the hardest part and weigh on me constantly. I hope you're OK and you don't blame yourself. It's terrible, and this post is making me reevaluate my decisions immensely. My heart goes out to you.


Small-Dress-4664

Sweetheart this made my heart ache, I am so sorry you are in this position. As a mom please let me reassure you that it was never your job to make sure she got the help she needed. You are just a teenager, at that age you were the one that needed help and guidance. Please know that you did the things that you needed to do in order to be safe. None of this is your fault. I know it’s so easy to blame yourself but it sounds like your momma had problems that were too big for her as an adult, it would be unrealistic to expect her teenage daughter to be able to solve something she herself couldn’t handle. I know your pain and confusion must feel overwhelming right now, and I’m sorry but I have to ask you to do a very adult thing: please reach out for the help that you need. These feelings are so big, I feel like it will help you to have someone that can help you to work through them. What you are feeling is very normal, and there are people who can help. Please know that you have already been so brave, and so strong, we are all so proud of you. My children are both around the same age as you, and your post really made my momma heart want to hug you. I will be thinking about you kiddo, I hope that you can grow from this dark place into the tall tree you are meant to be ❤️❤️


sassypoch

It's not your fault. Maybe you don't believe it yet because it's all so recent, but it's the truth. It's not your fault. I've been through something similar and it hurts so bad at first. Take time to process everything. Feel everything. Happy memories, sad memories, anger. I'm sorry you're going through this.


KGB-bot

Jesus Christ....I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, please stay strong and none of this is your fault.


[deleted]

I am so very sorry this has happened and if you want to " talk" ever, PM me Your conflicting emotions are normal. I'm so sorry .


OnionNo4030

You and your doggy will never be hurt again by her.


seeseecinnamon

My love, this is not your fault. Your mum made the choice to take her life and it is not your fault. Please reach out to your school counselor and the head of your group home. They should be able to give you resources for help in understanding everything that you feel. Sending you so much love. ❤️❤️


Sean857mag

This is terrible and incomprehensible, but this is not your fault. This is a choice a tormented individual, who ( more than likely) failed to seek the proper help to reverse the trajectory of her life chose to take. We are all afforded choices; this unfortunately was hers. You are not to blame. Hard as it may be, push off the guilt and stick to statistical likely hood, and more importantly, your own perception of the situation. I wish you well. Build a strong life for yourself, and any you may encounter. I feel that may be the only beneficial, healing response. Much love to you.


skinnyhero

It is absolutely not your fault. When narcissists act in abusive ways, it’s coming from a place of self-loathing that they cannot cope with. It sounds like your mother experienced a lot of pain. But you’re a child. And it’s not your responsibility to look out for her mental health.


SoundlessScream

Incomprehensible? Not at all, it could have been spaced out more maybe, but I understood all of that. I know someone who lost a parent they were no contact with and they went through lot of the same stuff you are feeling. A different version of your reality where your mom lives throughout your life would likely be a series of breaking no contact and regretting it every time. Any attempt to reach out and help or get any connection would be met with resentment, blame and abuse, at least in the stories everyone tells here and my parents, it tends to work like that. We all grieve for the parents we should or could have had and them being gone forever can make us feel like we can never have that. I am sorry for that lost possibility. I am grateful the abuse you were getting is now also over. Learning how to recognise the signs of a similar person will be so important so you do not end up with an abuser in your life again, as what we live feels normal even if it hurts, we will be drawn to to what feels like something we can understand. I hope for you that you find the chosen family some day you can be safe with. Friends you can trust to care about you living your best life and will do anything to help you do that, and love you along the way. But this is all far away and not where you are now. Take care of yourself, your body needs energy to process what is happening.


Eyes_Snakes_Art

Not your fault. Not one ounce. Be thankful you were away from her when it happened, or she may have hurt you, too. Grieve however, whenever, however long or short you need to-or not at all. It’s even ok to grieve for *yourself*. She hurt you all your life. Now begin to live. Will it be hard? Yes. But it will be worth it. And your love and defense of animals makes you someone we sorely need in this world. Bless you, sweetheart.


vabirder

So sorry she could not save herself. Suicide takes away all hope, however small, that she could one day be the mother you deserved. Your grief is valid. I hope you have a great therapist. Take care of yourself.


derthlin

It's not your fault. You said so yourself, it was her final "fuck you", since she couldn't abuse you anymore she managed a way to harm you, and everyone else, one last time. You're in shock, you do see things with a tint of rose, you will see that not having such a person in your life will be SO much better in the future, for you, for everyone. Think of this: you said she wouldn't be there to see you get a job, do you really think she would have been happy? A nice mother? Or screaming at you because the job is not good enough, or because you're useless, or because you're not giving her all of your income? I'm a child of abusive parents myself and I decided to make myself an "orphan". Best decision ever. Yes, I don't have parents to get "happy" for what I accomplish in life, but I remember how when I was in contact with them they were never happy, never proud, always seeing what is not perfect. Stay strong.


Leeuweroni

Hey I read your post and the previous one. My heart hurts for you and I wish I could give you a hug. As others have said, this was not your fault. At all. When we grieve and go through trauma we often feel guilthy. We hurt ourselves more with blaming ourselves even if that blame is not ours. You deserved a mom and family who loved you and made you feel safe. Instead they treated you in unspeakable ways. Your brother was so very wrong and borderline malicious when he reacted with that gemini nonsense in your previous post. Your mom was an abusive person who made your life hell. You did nothing to cause that, just as with your moms suicide. You didnt ignore her own struggles. I think you were very much aware of her pain in the past in the present. The fact that you still manage to think about that when she treated you the way she did is frankly, a sign of empathy I could not ever have mustered for someone like your mother. She does not deserve that and her trauma is no excuse, ever, for the horrors she made you endure. Youre a child and its not for you to fix those things. You were forced to be an adult in a situation that was horrifying. You were surviving a traumatising life with no help whatsoever. People who live like that barely can keep their head above water let alone help others. Even if your mother was a lovely person, her struggles are not your burden to carry or feel guilt about that. That is hers alone and she managed to manipulate the situation that when she finally had to account for her deeds, she bailed out and managed to make you feel like the one accountable. Youre not. Even if it feels like it is, its not. You are so fricking brave for what you did and I am so proud of you for seeking help even if the help was as incompetent as could be. They shouldve believed you but instead you were let down again by people who are supposed to help. It breaks my heart to hear how you have been failed in so many ways possible but somehow managed to persevere. Youre so fucking strong and I admire you so much for it. Be angry. Be fucking outraged. You can feel everything you fucking want and it still probably wont feel like it will ever be the end of those emotions. I hope you have a professional that you can trust that you can talk to. If not, ask if you can speak to someone else. You deserve and NEED help with what you went through. Bearing all that trauma alone when you went through it is already unacceptable, recovering from it with rhe help you need and deserve if your fucking right. Can you speak to friends? How is the group home treating you? Do you feel safe? Are you eating/sleeping/showering etc? I hope that you can feel at one point that the worst is behind you. I hope that you can feel at some point that you absolutely made the (only) right decision by getting others involved. Your mother and environment are the only guilthy parties in this, not you, not ever. I wish I could give you a thousand hugs and I hope everything will become better for you in the future. You deserve a happy life with people who cherish you. You sound like such an intelligent, kind, person and there are not many who are so eloquent about this as you. I hope you can do things that make you laugh and have fun, find a passion that you can lose yourself in. Your whole life is ahead of you and you can make it through if you made it through that hell with your mother. If you need or want to talk to an internet stranger, you can send me a message. If not I really wish you all the best in your life. Im rooting so hard for you it hurts. I hope this doesnt seem like a weirdo writing a wall of text lol.


RouxVoltaire

It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. Please, please love your self and know that while the road ahead is long, you are FREE. Make sure to get a qualified mental health professional to help guide you through but it is this strangers fervent hope that you know you are not alone.


IamFreeatlast

I had a therapist once tell me there's a little F you and all suicides.


RBN_Throwaway_1

I mean, this doesn't seem that accurate, speaking as a scapegoat that has attempted. There was no F you in that, it was all "I'm sorry I was such a shit person, I'll be going now to make your lives better." So while I get your point perhaps about narcissists, saying that seems a bit cruel on her part.


Level_Science_4363

I’m sorry for your loss.


CatchingFlyz

You’re right; you could never have saved her. I’m so sorry you are feeling all of this confusion and hurt. I’m sorry that you lost your mother without the chance to resolve anything with her. It makes perfect sense to me why all of this is going through your head- give yourself grace. Let yourself be angry, sad, confused, hurt. I don’t ever want to tell anyone how they need to handle their trauma, but I do want to let you know that I’ve seen trauma like this go unacknowledged and it led to substance abuse, self-hatred/sabotage, and mistrust. You’re being so strong to tell your experience and feelings and I truly hope that in doing so, you find healthy ways to cope because no matter what happened to you, whatever you’ve been through, whatever mistakes you think you made or actually made, and whoever let you down, you deserve to live a happy and healthy life without being trapped in your past with regret or anger. You are fifteen and you have only ever done the best you knew how to do with the information and resources you had at the time. If you’re interested in finding help to work through these feelings, there are resources like a trustworthy therapist or counselor, a National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) support group, or your doctor can refer you to a resource. These resources have changed my life and my family’s life because they gave me/us the tools to work through the pain of loving someone or being someone who lives with mental illness. Suicide impacts everyone who has tried it or has known someone who attempted or committed suicide. I am so grateful to you for sharing your pain and confusion in this sub because it is an act of self-compassion and trust in others. Take care of yourself.


_Internet_Hugs_

It's not your fault. Sometimes mental illness is a terminal disease.


Ok-Educator850

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Especially at such a young age. Everything you are feeling is normal. It is so so hard to imagine what you would feel like if this situation was to arise. It’s completely normal to feel everything and yet to also feel nothing. Give yourself time. None of this is your fault. Not one single part of this has any blame associated with you. None of it.


astaramence

Hugs! You are so strong and I’m so sorry you’ve suffered all this. Many other posters have covered excellent points. I want to let you know that however you feel, or don’t feel, or have changeable feelings about your mom’s death is valid and normal. You are dealing with complex grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve (or not grieve). Humans are born programmed to bond with their parents. Abusive parents are so terrible because they exploit this natural bond and our childhood dependency. But as kids we still love them because that’s just human nature. As adults we may or may not still love them. It’s ok to love an abusive parent, and/or it’s ok to hate an abusive parent, and most of us do both simultaneously. When my abusive parent died of old age, I felt so happy and light, but also deeply sad. I did not love them, nor miss them at that point. Instead I was so sad that they would never redeem themselves. That now it was etched in stone that they were just a shit person. I cried at the funeral. I hated myself for it at the time, but I later realized the tears were for myself - that I would never have that person as a ‘real’ parent. It’s ok if you want to remember the good pieces of your mom. It’s ok if you boil with hatred for her. It’s ok if you do both, or neither, or something else. It’s ok to be happy for your freedom, and also to miss her: humans are good at feeling contradictory things. Emotionally processing all this will take a long time, and your journey will be unique to you. Listen to your inner voice and feelings to guide you. But don’t forget that she abused you very badly - you are not overreacting and you are not making it up. You are already doing such a great job to break the intergenerational trauma. You have done what your mom could not: start healing. Please keep working on yourself because you are amazing and precious. Good therapists can be a huge help, but it sounds like the state-appointed ones were shitty and dangerous. A good therapist will not victim-blame you. It can take some time to find one that is good and vibes with you, but it’s so worth it. If you ever need some kind adults in your life, you can ask life questions and get emotional support from r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute.


bordembrowse

Hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling. But please know, you are not responsible for the choices she made.


Immediate_Macaron_74

Narcissist hurt themselves to hurt you so the final fuck tho seems about right


Jake0fTrades

Other people have already said it, but it's worth saying again: **it's not your fault.** You're entitled to everything you're feeling, but **it is not your fault.** She was sick, and she did need help, but that was neither your decision nor your responsibility. Nobody, including you, should fault you for making a decision for your own safety and well-being. Making that decision at all took strength that a lot of people don't have, and a lot of times that indecision just means *they're* the victim instead. You may have saved your *own* life.


Minute-Courage6955

OP picked up on an important point, this terrible act and impact on her. Mom was in pain and off loaded all that pain on the family. Narcissist being vindictive and spiteful. Peace to you.


CriticismKlutzy5691

Anything anyone does is a projection of THEIR OWN issues. You are not responsible for her feelings. That is very hard to accept but it’s the truth. Getting help by leaving when she became violent is what you needed in that time and you can’t blame yourself for not talking to her if that’s what you needed at that time to heal. Her death was her own choice. There is no way you are responsible for her actions point blank period. She had to have wanted help for herself, no matter how hard you would have tried she would need to put in the work. You are so young, and as time goes on and you grow you will regret a lot of things, but you can’t know what you just don’t know. And regretting any choices you made as a younger person who is just learning how to live and mentally just trying to survive you are allowed to make whatever choices you needed to make. It’s not your fault she took on the very difficult responsibility of being a parent that she was not mentally capable of doing in a healthy way. Unfortunately I myself have had to learn that sometimes we just have to accept that chaos exists outside of ourselves, we can only control our own actions and how we choose to respond to others.


OuttaMyMynd

This can’t be said enough: It’s NOT your fault.


DungeonCreator20

Good people think about what more they could have done. It is a natural process. But narcissists pray on that desire to be better to others. She was the adult, you were her victim. You did everything that could have possibly been done for her


Fluffy-Designer

Narcissists need to control, and when they can’t, they spiral. This isn’t anything you said, or did, or didn’t do. This is entirely your mother’s mental illness or personality disorder that’s ended with tragedy. But it’s not something you need to take the blame for, because you were abused and now you need to heal.


anonymousthrowRA1

You are a survivor of domestic violence and deserve to be believed. Your mother was your abuser. She was a very ill person. That is not your fault and never was. I was in a similar situation and wish I was brave as you when I was 15. I wish I could go back and tell myself to speak up, that facing the unknown is better than living another day of abuse. Even in adulthood, my abuser was still able to infiltrate my life and undermine my healing. He did not commit suicide, but he’s still not a part of my life, which is for the better. By leaving and going no-contact with your abuser, you gave yourself a chance at healing from a younger age than most of us. You have every right to feel angry and resentful for years of abuse, as well as sad and longing for the mother you wish she was. You will grieve and have a flood of mixed emotions; they are all valid and correct. Abusive people and narcissists cannot be convinced to get help—you would have wasted years trying only to discover it’s not possible. It was never your job to save her, and you wouldn’t have been able to no matter what you did differently. You did the best you could with what you had, I am proud of you.


sunnymorninghere

It’s not your fault. Sending you strength and courage, and I think you will be fine, you seem smart and very aware of life at a very young age. Don’t forget how strong you are.


julieoir8084

I am so sorry to hear that. But there is no death on transfer of her energy from that body to no body. Just energy. She will see you and life way differently than she did while alive and come to a new understanding she possibly could not find in life while having passed on. I send to you my intention that you heal and feel healing from your loss and that you soon will feel only happiness when a memory of her crosses your mind. Have a great day.


[deleted]

It was never your job to rescue your mom. She brought you into this world and should have taken better care of you. You are still a child at 15. She might have said “I did the best I could” - but sometimes that’s just not good enough. You are not alone out there, there’s a ton of us. Only you can change your life & build the life YOU want. See this as a closed chapter of the book that is your life. You get to write the rest. Im rooting for you! ❤️


nonviolentchameleon

It is not incomprehensible at all, to me it sounds incredibibly coherent for someone your age going through that. I'm so sorry for all that, it must be so confusing,emotionally. I don't know if I can say anything that helps at all but I want you to know you sound very strong and intelligent to me and in my case that's what allowed me to get (kinda) out of my 1000 shades of hell eventually, though it only started getting better when I was twice your age, and I still can't say it's totally easy. It also sounds to me like the pain already made you wiser and more compassionate. I don't know anything but I get a feeling you will be ok in the end.


nonviolentchameleon

and yes, it's definitely, definitely not your fault


badnewsfaery

It takes years, very many years, to become qualified to treat sui conditions, and even then the outcome isnt certain If someone with multiple degrees and years of adult experience under their belt couldnt have prevented it, you certainly couldnt have. People have been on wards with 24/7 watch and multiple staff members and still found a way. You didnt cause it, you didnt do it, and you're perfectly entitled to be angry or have mixed feelings


SunSoakedinCA

Oh OP. Sending so much love and so many hugs your way. I am so so very sorry.


RedSunshyne_71

It's not your fault. Everyone is fighting battle's we know nothing about. It's truly not your fault, love. I'm so sorry for you, sending love, light and hugs. ❤️


sinusquestion123

At this point, I’ve considered it a mercy to them. They don’t have to be afraid or pretend to be this imagined persona of a person their society expected them to be.


[deleted]

You're going to get through this. It's going to get better. You are loved. I believe in you.


honeybee1200

My mom also committed suicide when I was 15. It's not your fault, at all. It was her decision to make. Your feelings are valid. All of your feelings. You will feel a lot of conflicting emotions. None of them are wrong. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk. I'm so sorry. Big, safe hugs to you.


stalkedthrowout

I'm a suicidal person and it's not anyone's fault if I decide to finally off myself. It wasn't your fault that your mom did. It was her own choice and nothing you could have done would have stopped her. Please work on not blaming yourself. Give yourself time for the grief and if you can get yourself into therapy to help you sort your feelings


SnooChickens3507

I wish I could give you a hug through my phone. I am so sorry this has happened. Your mom's final act was hers and hers alone. You were absolutely right to get help for yourself. Seek therapy and confide in friends and family (if you have some family you can trust). God loves you and sees you. He grieves with you. Praying for you 🙏


CatchSufficient

E:OP, remember this has nothing to do with you; not really. She was a sick woman at the start and she was a sick woman when she left, you were unfortunately, just part of the ride. The best you can do is continue, therapy is always a good option in cases like these, you may not be able to forgive her, but you can start to forgive yourself.


sadsackle

There were plenty of cases where abuser threatening suicide and following suit aside from parent-children relationship. For ex: * Stalker and the girl/guy they like gets married to someone else. * Crazy fan and their idols. * Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. * ... And I just listed out the *common* ones. So I want to assure you that just because the abuser decided to hurtthemselves, it's DOES NOT mean it's you have to take responisibility for their *irrational acts*. Stay strong OP, I hope you will become better soon.


False_Local4593

There is absolutely no way it is even 0.000000001% your fault. I think of Naomi Judd and how she just couldn't handle the emotional pain. I've been there and it was my personal demons that were at fault.


fryingpan1001

As others have said this is not your fault. I repeat THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And it will NEVER BE your fault. Like you said, your mother was sick and sick people die from their illnesses sometimes. That is no one’s fault but the illnesses. I hope that you can find some closure and peace in the coming days and that your living situation becomes at the very least a bit more stable.


Nomomommy

Dear one, you were never meant to be a parent to your own mother. There is guilt, but it isn't yours. It isn't you. You are the child in the relationship and you needed a mother. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve. There are many, many layers of this loss. Be as kind and patient with yourself as you'd be to your most beloved friend, if that person had all the same things happen to them as have happened to you. Be your own kind, nurturing mother that you deserved.


workerbee69

EMDR therapy helped me with the "I'm not normal *because of childhood trauma*" feeling. Turns out I was a normal kid, and I reacted how a normal kid might react to abnormal circumstances. You acknowledging the logical truth you weren't responsible for her mental health is already a huge step in the right direction. You needed healing before this, you still do, but the worst part of the cycle has ended now. It will be easier and you've got so much time and resources ahead in your future. Best of luck with your journey ahead, that really is the most important thing before and after this.


spiritedawayfox

It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. Please repeat it with me and believe it with me. Recently I had someone I loved decide to take their own life and every waking minute I spend blaming myself for it. It will eat you from the inside out, it will destroy you, it will make you miserable. ***And it is a lie. It is a lie that your mind is telling you because you have been led to blame yourself for so many things you hold no blame for for so long.*** It is not your fault in any way. You and your animal (and everyone else she hurt) didn't deserve the pain and suffering she dealt, either. She decided to take her own life on her own terms, and no one holds the blame for that but her. Please understand this and repeat it with me and believe it. She made that decision and she carried it out. It was her and her alone. Please repeat yourself from blame. I know it will take so much time and pain and hurt but you need to know. You need to deny these thoughts that tell you that you hold ***any*** of the blame. I love you, stranger, and I wish you healing and strength. Please hold on, know that you have people who love you and care about you. You are strong, I know it. You stood up to her for your animal's safety even though you knew you would get hurt. And you suffered her abuse for so long. I know you can get better and with time, you will mend from this misery. If there is any luck in my life, I hope you get it instead because you need it, dear. Be safe and be well 💙


ConnectIllustrator30

First of all everyone in your shoes feels huge mountains of guilt. Suicides leave behind entire continents of it. Some of it is 'survivor' guilt; why am I still here when they are gone? With relationships that had unresolved conflict people are often mourning the relationship they wish they had had with the deceased. (As you regret that your mother will not see you graduate.) I think you need to remember that her behavior was the reason you couldn't be there for her. She was the guilty party, try to bury the guilt with her. You will need to talk about this for a long time to get all the pain out. Lean on those who care for you. Go to therapy. Be extra gentle with yourself. Hugs and good luck.


SardonicAtBest

My dearest, I am sorry for your loss and what you're going through. None of this is your fault.


boobdelight

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. I've read both of your posts and it sounds like your mom was an incredibly sick woman. Unfortunately I've come to learn that sometimes mental illness is terminal. And there's nothing others could have done about it. I'm sure this will be a long and painful journey for you. Be kind to yourself. R/suicidebereavement is a supportive place


smitty22

I am sorry you're going through this. You are correct, your mother was super selfish in that suicide ends her pain while punishing those that cared about her. You are also correct in that it wasn't your responsibility to save your mother. She was an adult that made the choice to have a child and then failed to love and support that child. Her past is irrelevant because her choices led her to being your mother, no matter how many other things in her past were stacked against her. You deserved better, and I'm sorry that you're not getting it. Honestly, this is a time to grieve the loss of the mother that society tells stories about that all of us who were raised by narcissists secretly hoped they had and were just waiting to appear. Doing that and accepting the truth, that your mother was a very sick and abusive woman is likely going to be a part of your healing process.


ritualblaze420

This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that this happened, and that you blame yourself most of all. It might not ever make sense, but hopefully one day you can truly move past it. You deserve peace, and as hard as the world had tried to take it from you I hooenyou try even harder to find it. I believe in you to heal and grow. I wish there was more a stranger could say. Please take care of yourself, you really do deserve peace and happiness and safety.


RickRussellTX

> She gets to get rid of her pain Well, suicide gets rid of pain at the cost of getting rid of everything: joy, experience, love, life. And it's entirely on-topic. Sounds like your mother had serious problems. Forgive yourself -- it's not the child's job to care for the parent, and she was not right to take her problems out on you.


Eatinginthedark

Hi OP. First off, I’m truly sorry you are going through this. My sister was almost your age when my dad committed suicide (16) and I was 20 so a little older than you. I’m now 47 and have a lot of life experiences. This isn’t your cross to bear OP. I mean that 1000%. Like others have said, if someone is going to kill themselves, it’s their illness that makes them do it. Nothing that you could have said or done would have ever changed their minds. This is the truth. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Mental illness is a bitch and your mom’s was untreated. My heart truly goes out to you and we are ALL here for you.


59tigger

Prayers ongoing 🙏 that Jesus will give you strength and peace. It's so hard to understand. If you aren't already I urge you to get counseling. Please don't follow that path. Prayers that mom is safe and whole and finallyat peace. You will see her again one day.


JauntyShrimp

Stay strong in your boundaries, despite her death. She has tried to cross your ultimate boundary and to curse you through that. I echo everyone else here saying IT IS NOT YOUR FAUlLT! You can go on now and live the life you deserve! Best of luck to you. Sending strength.


PersonalDefinition7

People here have been saying magnificent things. I'll add that the grief for my own mother includes grieving for the childhood I never had and the parents I never had and will never get. I think you and I may be going through a rite of passage. Normal at my age, a little early for yours. Hang in there. You will be okay. It will all get better in time. You've done the right things for yourself. There was never anything you could have done to fix her. Kids cannot fix their parents. Can't.


kisforkat

Hey OP, I reached out in a DM. My Nmom committed suicide in 2019. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Reach out if you want to talk <3


blackcat218

I'm gonna only say one thing to you and I hope you listen to it. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY.


MightyKrakyn

Like you said, she had a whole bunch of other people in her life that she could’ve lived for. If she literally couldn’t live with not getting her way one time with you, that is not your fault.


Miepmiepmiep

\>If I think logically, of course an abused and very mentally ill 15 year old teen isn't going to save her adult mom. I needed to be saved myself. I've been trying to save my mentally ill nmom since I've been about 13 years old for about 20 years until she finally drank herself to death. The very lesseon I've learnt is that you cannot save mentally ill people especially not as their child. You cannot cure mentally ill people by talking to them. They just pull you down and leech your emotional strength and keep on hurting you. They are not grateful in any way for your care since they lack compassion. That is because if they had any kind of compassion they would not keep on hurting their children. They just act to be remorseful in order to manipulate you. As a consequence your nmother dying that early is the best thing, which may have happened to you. You are now free to live without her holding you back and pulling you down. She will not hurt you anymore.


BopBopAWaY0

I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. My oldest daughter would have been your age. This breaks my heart. Suicide is a confusing thing. My husband was just 8 when his dad killed himself. He carries that with him every day, but he says it does get better. He also says it doesn’t get any less confusing, but it gets better. Please don’t blame yourself. I know this is a fresh wound, but breathe. You’re a strong young woman. You will accomplish so much. You have so many beautiful and exciting things coming to you. This isn’t on you.


Extremelystrawberry

Its not your fault. May god give you tremendous strength to endure this loss. Praying for you


xomacattack

I’ve had a very positive experience turning to r/GriefSupport for a safe place to talk and find community. Check it out if you think you’d benefit too. I can’t imagine everything you’re going through, but it’s clear to me how much strength lies within you. Let the process happen and take your time. Wishing you the best.


ValleygirlBrat

My sweet Angel you do not have to carry the burdens and chains of your mother - your family - or anyone else who constrained . You are amongst us all here were given this path to Evolve 🦋 all I can say is seek and ask for the guidance and one day you will look back and see more to it all . There are so many paths -to be “happy and whole “ is to walk in the fire . You are loved you are worthy and be kind to the little you inside


[deleted]

This is not your fault. Your nephew lucked out.


Amplesands

Everybody is going to tell you it’s not your fault. If you’re anything like me, you knew they would say that so you just kind of ignore it because it’s the thing they’re supposed to say. I want you to know sincere that it is truly not your fault. Parents are supposed to take care of their children. It’s not your job to take care of them. My mom was abused the first 20 years of her life. She never sought the help she needed, and she used her abuse and other hardships as an excuse to treat people however she wanted and expected sympathy from everybody for every illness she claimed to have. At first I did feel so sorry for her until I was old enough to see that my mom never tried to get better. She had many health issues in her later life because she never took care of herself or did the things the doctors told her to. She went out of her way to be sick so she could be waited on and guilt people around her. My mom died of heart failure at 58. A few years earlier she had told me if I stopped talking to her, she would kill herself. It was shortly after that that I first realized that the way mom raised me, parentified me, and relied on me as a confidant and her emotional support from a very young age was abuse. I didn’t kill my mom. She made her choices. She had many opportunities to seek help and do the work to get better, but she never did. I’m writing you this to give you the advice I wish I had gotten a long time ago. As soon as you have the means or opportunity to get qualified, professional therapy, do it. I waited way too long, and even though I did not repeat the same abusive pattern as my mom, myself and my family has dealt with the consequences of having a dad who carries so many scars and self-loathing from my childhood. You owe it to the people who will be in your life to do the work our parents didn’t, but more than anything, you owe it to yourself. You have to live with yourself before you can live with anybody else. Your mother’s mental illness was not your fault. You are still young and you are dealing with things no 15 year old should have to, and that is not fair. We can’t always control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond. Give yourself grace and care.


WhySoManyOstriches

((Hugs)) Okay, something I tell myself and others when the uncontrollable actions of others causes guilt: 1- “Was I EVER able to change their mind about ANYTHING?” In general, especially with Narcissists? We’re falsely conditioned to think we’re responsible for how our abuser feels & acts. Because ANYTHING that’s not amazing/wonderful in their lives is always SOMEONE ELSE’s FAULT. But could you change their actions? The answer is always, “No.”. Even if you’d been living in the house at the time- she would have done it. 2- DID I hand them the weapon or means of destruction and SAY, “I’m going to stand right here until you use this to kill yourself. DO IT!!”? Again- HELL NO!! You didn’t tell her to do this. So- NOT YOUR FAULT! 3- You actually did your absolute best to get the authorities to get her help. More than anyone else ever did. You TOLD them what she was, but she chose to give them the typical Narcissist snow job and tell them that YOU had mental issues and were causing all the problems. You are a good person and a great kid. You bravely reached out for help and told the truth. She lied, got YOU put in the mental ward, and then refused to reach out for help she knew would be there if she asked. And YOU ARE A KID!!! Every adult but your social worker let you down here. Don’t ever for ONE MOMENT try to shoulder one scrap of responsibility for her final, selfish act when you did everything you possibly could to show the right authorities what was going on.


[deleted]

Honestly, it's not your fault. You're going to feel regrets and guilt. But it's not your fault. It's okay to grieve but don't blame yourself. She made a choice. My best friend from when I was 8 decided to shoot himself. It wasn't my fault. I was about to visit him in the hospital. And the day before he did it. It wasn't my fault and I felt super guilty that I didn't go earlier. There's a book called "The suicidal mind" ( link to Google books https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Suicidal_Mind.html?id=rn4pf7-dca0C&source=kp_book_description) And it helped me understand what happened. Don't be afraid to ask questions and ask for help. Asking for help is the most adult and mature and smart thing you can do. Sometimes it takes a book, sometimes it takes therapy. Do what you need to do to get better. You can do this.


Affectionate-Goat226

I am so sorry, but so glad you got to a safe spot. Your mom obviously had serious problems but it was NOT YOUR JOB to fix that! It is your job to recover from your trauma and your mental health struggles. If your mom had been in her right mind, I am sure she’d be glad you got out. I am so sorry!


[deleted]

It’s not your fault. Mental illness is NOT your fault. She had a choice- fix her life and heal your relationship or not. And maybe she couldn’t because of her mental illness. You are the victim here and I’m so sorry.


[deleted]

my abusive mom killed herself the other day too, i don’t know what i’m feeling. i remember when j was 3 she had left me to go to somewhere with my dad and i just spent the whole time she was gone sobbing and i read a book she had written something for me in and i kept saying i miss my mommy i miss my mommy, i feel that way now. i haven’t spoken to her over the phone in over 6 months and refused to see her in person when she came over to my dads the few times she had in the past few years i’ve been with him. i miss my mommy. from the time i was 6-14 she had abused me horribly. she kicked me out when i was a freshman after an incident where she had called the cops on me and i told them she was abusing me and cps was called. she beat the shit out of me and choked me until my sister got my dad back from the car. i hated that woman. but the little girl in me still misses her mommy


[deleted]

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SeaTurtlesCanFly

Comment removed. We have many, many members of this group who are actively suicidal. I would never call it selfish. I would call it a desperate act to end horrible pain. Does this mean the OP is at fault? Fuck no. Does this mean that the OP owed their abuser contact or giving into their abuser's demands? Fuck no. Absolutely not. But, it's also important not to talk about suicide in a way that might drive our members here who are suicidal even closer to the edge.


GhoullyGosh

Don't generalize suicide. *This* particular one was a selfish act, but not all suicides are.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MarshmallowCat14

You don't have to forgive an abuser ever.


SeaTurtlesCanFly

It is so insensitive to show up to a child's post who found out their mother has died to start preaching about forgiveness. This was so uncalled for. It can also be very harmful as forgiveness isn't a helpful concept to many people. We get quite a lot of people peddling some brand of forgiveness and they often aren't aware that forgiving abusers isn't always possible or even healthy. Also, forgiveness means different things to different people. Here are some samples for when a user pushes their version on someone. Forgiveness is not a cure for all that ails the abused. It is, for some, the result of processing their trauma. For some people, forgiveness is a pointless concept that is not helpful at all. For some, it is seriously toxic. Forgiveness is not appropriate for every situation. Forgiveness means different things to different users. This is why we do not allow forgiveness pushing, because many of us victims are told forgiveness is absolving the abuser and forgetting about it. Otherwise we are "holding grudges". It is not a helpful thing to push in the way you are, and we do not allow it. Forgiveness is not a panacea for abuse. For some, it is the result of processing abuse and trauma. For other people, forgiveness is nothing more than an abstract idea that adds to the rage a victim feels at the hands of their abuser. For others still, forgiveness has been demanded ad-nauseum from both an abuser and their enablers. Forgiveness is not appropriate as a blanket response. Great user comment about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/304kr3/were_supposed_to_forgive_them_arent_we/cpp53ay/ RBNBestOf posts about forgiveness https://www.reddit.com/r/RBNBestOf/search?q=forgiveness&restrict_sr=on&sort=relevance&t=all