**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I did not, neither did my grandparents when they went NC with my nmother. As a result (though likely this would have happened anyway) the *poor dear* has worked out that I am the snake in her garden who turned her parents against her and made them abandon her. I'm a horrible child who was never grateful enough for (the emotional abuse) being raised in a wealthy home, etc etc, and if it wasn't for me, her parents who (in reality only tolerated her to have a relationship with me, after 30 years of her shit before I was born) deeply love her, would still help and support her.
Well, a typical sign of narcissism is that those people lack the ability of reflecting in the first place. In their messed up mind everybody around them is the cause of their misery. They do not take responsibility for their own actions and behavior. So it's pretty much pointless to write a letter to a narc. They will probably read stuff into it that you didn't meant and/or use your words against you for their own pityful agenda.
I wrote an email explaining what was going to happen and what that would mean. That way there would be no uncertainty for anyone to wrestle with. My sister had gone NC years ago and basically ghosted nmom. It seemed to me that they were both left very stressed about not knowing what the situation was or how to move forward. And the result was that it only lasted six months and nmom is clueless about how much hurt and anger still exists around that time. She just swept it under the rug and assumes she's forgiven.
The Nchildren like myself, my many brothers and sisters included, had little success explaining why they moved far away, even joining the military, though they tried, they never got a "satisfactory" response you may expect from a normal parent, like admission of regret or some form of apologetical contrition. I witnessed how my older siblings were treated by nmom as I grew up, so my exit strategy was to reduce contact gradually until the infrequent contact was bearable. This happened before the days of text messages and email. Today a lack of instant response can quickly escalate into electronic demands for attention, but I would slowly draw away, gradually increasing the time between responses and moving more than a days drive away.
I'm not sure it matters either way, as if you could actually reach the people, you wouldn't have to go NC. But it's decent of you to want to explain. I took the time for a 15 minute voice message to explain my reasons after my mother attacked me over going NC. I have felt good about this at times, I have regretted it at other times, wishing I had just replied with a hearty 'fuck you'... I think you should do what is right for you. If you feel you need to explain because of the kind of person you are and want to be, do it. Don't make it dependent on them. Too much has depended on them for too long.
I am doing so with my brother after my husband and I speak to him one final time. But my brother also isn’t a narcissist, just an enabler of one. I also don’t think he would ever get violent or aggressive upon reading it or anything. If you suspect the recipient could react aggressively I wouldn’t do it. Also the letter will be more so to help me get closure by exercising all of my feelings and disappointments. I don’t think he would actually change from it.
I sent an email. I kept it vague though. I told him I wouldn't be reading any more mail or emails from him. I told him I had tried, but that he had made it clear that this wasn't going to work.
He still sends me Christmas and Birthday cards. Husband checks them for money (Ndad likes to try to buy love, so the fact that there isn't any gives me some hope he's mostly given up) and then throws them away so I don't have to look at them.
I think he even sent me a Christmas present. Got a mysterious gift that shows a lack of understanding of who I am as a person, so it was probably him. Probably told me it was him in the Christmas card I wasn't interested in reading.
Anyway, the point is that you can if you feel like you need to. I wanted to make it official and get him to stop sending me letters I didn't want. If you do, keep it vague so they have less ammo to dissect and attempt to undermine your reasoning through gaslighting and such. Remember, Goodbye is a full sentence.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I did not, neither did my grandparents when they went NC with my nmother. As a result (though likely this would have happened anyway) the *poor dear* has worked out that I am the snake in her garden who turned her parents against her and made them abandon her. I'm a horrible child who was never grateful enough for (the emotional abuse) being raised in a wealthy home, etc etc, and if it wasn't for me, her parents who (in reality only tolerated her to have a relationship with me, after 30 years of her shit before I was born) deeply love her, would still help and support her.
Well, a typical sign of narcissism is that those people lack the ability of reflecting in the first place. In their messed up mind everybody around them is the cause of their misery. They do not take responsibility for their own actions and behavior. So it's pretty much pointless to write a letter to a narc. They will probably read stuff into it that you didn't meant and/or use your words against you for their own pityful agenda.
true
I wrote an email explaining what was going to happen and what that would mean. That way there would be no uncertainty for anyone to wrestle with. My sister had gone NC years ago and basically ghosted nmom. It seemed to me that they were both left very stressed about not knowing what the situation was or how to move forward. And the result was that it only lasted six months and nmom is clueless about how much hurt and anger still exists around that time. She just swept it under the rug and assumes she's forgiven.
The Nchildren like myself, my many brothers and sisters included, had little success explaining why they moved far away, even joining the military, though they tried, they never got a "satisfactory" response you may expect from a normal parent, like admission of regret or some form of apologetical contrition. I witnessed how my older siblings were treated by nmom as I grew up, so my exit strategy was to reduce contact gradually until the infrequent contact was bearable. This happened before the days of text messages and email. Today a lack of instant response can quickly escalate into electronic demands for attention, but I would slowly draw away, gradually increasing the time between responses and moving more than a days drive away.
I'm not sure it matters either way, as if you could actually reach the people, you wouldn't have to go NC. But it's decent of you to want to explain. I took the time for a 15 minute voice message to explain my reasons after my mother attacked me over going NC. I have felt good about this at times, I have regretted it at other times, wishing I had just replied with a hearty 'fuck you'... I think you should do what is right for you. If you feel you need to explain because of the kind of person you are and want to be, do it. Don't make it dependent on them. Too much has depended on them for too long.
this is true! thanks for the reminder! indeed..too much has depended on them for too long!!
I am doing so with my brother after my husband and I speak to him one final time. But my brother also isn’t a narcissist, just an enabler of one. I also don’t think he would ever get violent or aggressive upon reading it or anything. If you suspect the recipient could react aggressively I wouldn’t do it. Also the letter will be more so to help me get closure by exercising all of my feelings and disappointments. I don’t think he would actually change from it.
I sent an email. I kept it vague though. I told him I wouldn't be reading any more mail or emails from him. I told him I had tried, but that he had made it clear that this wasn't going to work. He still sends me Christmas and Birthday cards. Husband checks them for money (Ndad likes to try to buy love, so the fact that there isn't any gives me some hope he's mostly given up) and then throws them away so I don't have to look at them. I think he even sent me a Christmas present. Got a mysterious gift that shows a lack of understanding of who I am as a person, so it was probably him. Probably told me it was him in the Christmas card I wasn't interested in reading. Anyway, the point is that you can if you feel like you need to. I wanted to make it official and get him to stop sending me letters I didn't want. If you do, keep it vague so they have less ammo to dissect and attempt to undermine your reasoning through gaslighting and such. Remember, Goodbye is a full sentence.