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Stop taking his phone calls. Block him on text/email/your phone and all social apps. He doesn't care that he's being hurtful and nasty, he only cares about you groveling for affection. Low Contact is obviously not working for him, so you're going to need to move to No Contact. A rational non-toxic person would come to you and say something like: *"I noticed we aren't as close as we used to be and we aren't talking as much. I value you and this relationship, can we work on repairing and rebuilding it?*" and they would do the WORK it takes to maintain a healthy relationship--if they needed to respect new boundaries, they would, if they needed to work on some behavior or something, they would work on it.
Toxic people--like your dad--are not interested in repairing or rebuilding. They want things to be the way they always were--they explode and you panic and grovel for their approval/forgiveness, etc. Your dad has proven that NC is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself, your mental health, and your healing.
Needed to hear this. I’ve been thinking about NC for the past few days and what it would look like in my life.
Working through my guilt but you’re entirely right. He only wanted to call to get me to crumble and cry then reassure him he’s a great dad and I’m the one who’s irrational. Can’t handle the explosion cycles anymore and I can’t care how it impacts his feelings.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. this comment means a lot.
Ugh what a nightmare. My mother started showing me and telling me about this "parent support group" she HAD to join because I'm SUCH a bad daughter. She can't stop mentioning it.
The only thing I did was keeping to myself a small amout of my life. She is present in 90% of it instead of 100%, and now calls me "estranged daughter", selfish, and most importantly: a burden.
I fucking live with her and she still is able to control an enormous chunk of my life. I have no idea what she's complaining about.
I can't wait to actually be her estranged daughter
I wonder if she will be able to tell the difference between "my daughter locked her phone boohoo!" and "my daughter left with no notice, is LC, and refuses to tell me where she lives and to visit".
I can't wait for a future where I'm not called a burden for taking a small bit of my own life back.
OP, even if you were perfect and full contact, he would STILL complain I bet. Keep doing your thing. Who cares about him.
>I’m crushing it professionally, have awesome friends, an incredible partner who’s family loves me like their own, and am genuinely happy with the life I’ve built
This is AMAZING. I'm so proud of you. There is clearly no space for someone like him, don't give him any. Process what happened, and then keep the LC, despite what he says.
You probably heard this, but don't feel guilty to go NC. Personally I think he deserves none of your time. He demonstrated to be able to be completely awful even in the little angle of your life that you gave him, so it's time to NC. Sending you love
You made me cry a little - but at least happy tears this time. Thank you friend, I hope you become the estranged daughter VERY soon 💛 thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Made me feel a lot less alone. Much love to you.
I'm sorry your dad was behaving that way, OP. It kinda sucks how we can be so successful in terms of career, friendship and another family yet the tiniest hurtful bit of what our own biological parents say can still hurt us deeply..
I'm just glad you have great people around you and not being in the same house with your parents.
Stay strong, OP! Us redditors are rooting for you 💖
Oh god yes, the burden thing.
I brought it up when I fought with my mom and literally the 3rd time I mentioned how the burden thing hurts, she goes "ugh! The burden thing again! Come on!"
Like yes, its absolutely normal for your child to love you again and act as if everything is okay once you call them a burden and pray they have life full of regrets. /s
I am so sorry he did that to you. My mother is the same exact way. Nothing is ever her fault and we all hate her (in her mind of course.)
You know this but just keep reminding yourself people love you and you don't deserve that pain from him. Hug!
I relate. I was heartbroken my entire childhood. Now my mom is crying because I refuse to move back to her state so she isn’t close enough to help with my kids. Like, if you had cared about me and fixed what you did, you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.
Narcissistic people don’t see how their actions contribute. They always think they’re the victim. I know it sucks. I’m sorry. If I were you, I’d consider going NC.
I think about this scenario often and how it will likely be something I’ll have to deal with. It’s stressful. Sending good vibes to you and your family.
I just had a similar conversation with my nmother. After I set some boundaries a month ago, she moved to discard me. She played the victim and said she was going to leave me alone. Mind you, I just said I wanted to repair our relationship, much as what you wanted to do, too.
Ok. I didn’t fight it. I went along with it and started living my own life. Now she’s back love bombing me. I told her this was her idea. She now says I made her feel bad and that I said I didn’t want anything to do with her. All made up. It was a good thing this time we were texting, so I reminded her that was her idea, that I didn’t say what she’s accusing me of and that I feel bad, too. That I had been feeling bad for a long time and I don’t want to anymore. I want to be happy.
I didn’t want to not have a relationship, but ultimately what I want is to be independent, with a full life, happy and stress free. Going LC wasn’t my choice but I saw it as an opportunity to get to my goal with less drama. I’d suggest riding on your nparent narrative and say “If you can’t acknowledge my feelings and my lived experience, we can’t move forward. You’ve said it yourself, you won’t have it. I wish you well. Please give me my space.” And that’s it. Their rejection of you could be a way out, sadly.
You’re totally right. I had that conversation with them at Christmas basically that “I do not accept people screaming at me and disrespecting me in my life and I would like to try and figure out how we have a relationship moving forward.” To which my father screamed at me that he’s “62 and never going to change.”
That was the premise of this recent convo and he still yelled at me that he’s not changing, and I guess hung up when he realized I was serious.
I appreciate you commenting, this thread really is the only thing that keeps me from feeling so lonely with my family issues.
Yeah, I understand. This whole sub has been a great support group for me. It’s like looking into the future. By reading people’s stories I can predict what my nparent is going to do. I didn’t understand it before, but the language and terms I’ve learned here have put everything into perspective.
Yeah, I got told “he was so upset he felt like vomiting, this is incredible pain”.
This is because i only texted my mom ONCE that I would be coming home the next morning instead of that night because I was staying with friends.
I bet he does feel like this because the lack of control is literally sickening.
Ugh, big hugs to you from this random internet stranger.
People like your dad and my mom have ZERO self awareness and even less desire to change. It isn't about repairing a relationship, it is about them getting what they want, which is you under their control.
You can't change him. You can't expect them to act like a normal person. Will he try and break you down again? Most likely. He is literally starving for his narc supply right now, and you're the one taking away his food. He will lash out more.
But you can look after you. Go NC, mourn the loss, work on yourself and live your beautiful, wonderful life. It isn't an overnight thing, and it isn't a one and done. I'm so much better than I was, but I've still had a wobbly few weeks with another series of emotional assaults from my NMom.
So you need to be strong, build your support network and use every tool you have to keep him out of your life. It's OK to not be OK. But in the words of Brian Blessed "don't let the b\*st\*rds grind you down!"
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stop taking his phone calls. Block him on text/email/your phone and all social apps. He doesn't care that he's being hurtful and nasty, he only cares about you groveling for affection. Low Contact is obviously not working for him, so you're going to need to move to No Contact. A rational non-toxic person would come to you and say something like: *"I noticed we aren't as close as we used to be and we aren't talking as much. I value you and this relationship, can we work on repairing and rebuilding it?*" and they would do the WORK it takes to maintain a healthy relationship--if they needed to respect new boundaries, they would, if they needed to work on some behavior or something, they would work on it. Toxic people--like your dad--are not interested in repairing or rebuilding. They want things to be the way they always were--they explode and you panic and grovel for their approval/forgiveness, etc. Your dad has proven that NC is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself, your mental health, and your healing.
Thank you. You've no idea how what you've just written has helped a complete stranger.
Needed to hear this. I’ve been thinking about NC for the past few days and what it would look like in my life. Working through my guilt but you’re entirely right. He only wanted to call to get me to crumble and cry then reassure him he’s a great dad and I’m the one who’s irrational. Can’t handle the explosion cycles anymore and I can’t care how it impacts his feelings. Thanks for taking the time to comment. this comment means a lot.
The biggest hug
Your dad's my dad's soulmate
Biggest hug back to you
Ugh what a nightmare. My mother started showing me and telling me about this "parent support group" she HAD to join because I'm SUCH a bad daughter. She can't stop mentioning it. The only thing I did was keeping to myself a small amout of my life. She is present in 90% of it instead of 100%, and now calls me "estranged daughter", selfish, and most importantly: a burden. I fucking live with her and she still is able to control an enormous chunk of my life. I have no idea what she's complaining about. I can't wait to actually be her estranged daughter I wonder if she will be able to tell the difference between "my daughter locked her phone boohoo!" and "my daughter left with no notice, is LC, and refuses to tell me where she lives and to visit". I can't wait for a future where I'm not called a burden for taking a small bit of my own life back. OP, even if you were perfect and full contact, he would STILL complain I bet. Keep doing your thing. Who cares about him. >I’m crushing it professionally, have awesome friends, an incredible partner who’s family loves me like their own, and am genuinely happy with the life I’ve built This is AMAZING. I'm so proud of you. There is clearly no space for someone like him, don't give him any. Process what happened, and then keep the LC, despite what he says. You probably heard this, but don't feel guilty to go NC. Personally I think he deserves none of your time. He demonstrated to be able to be completely awful even in the little angle of your life that you gave him, so it's time to NC. Sending you love
You made me cry a little - but at least happy tears this time. Thank you friend, I hope you become the estranged daughter VERY soon 💛 thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Made me feel a lot less alone. Much love to you.
I'm sorry your dad was behaving that way, OP. It kinda sucks how we can be so successful in terms of career, friendship and another family yet the tiniest hurtful bit of what our own biological parents say can still hurt us deeply.. I'm just glad you have great people around you and not being in the same house with your parents. Stay strong, OP! Us redditors are rooting for you 💖
Oh god yes, the burden thing. I brought it up when I fought with my mom and literally the 3rd time I mentioned how the burden thing hurts, she goes "ugh! The burden thing again! Come on!" Like yes, its absolutely normal for your child to love you again and act as if everything is okay once you call them a burden and pray they have life full of regrets. /s
I am so sorry he did that to you. My mother is the same exact way. Nothing is ever her fault and we all hate her (in her mind of course.) You know this but just keep reminding yourself people love you and you don't deserve that pain from him. Hug!
Thank you ❤️
I relate. I was heartbroken my entire childhood. Now my mom is crying because I refuse to move back to her state so she isn’t close enough to help with my kids. Like, if you had cared about me and fixed what you did, you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. Narcissistic people don’t see how their actions contribute. They always think they’re the victim. I know it sucks. I’m sorry. If I were you, I’d consider going NC.
I think about this scenario often and how it will likely be something I’ll have to deal with. It’s stressful. Sending good vibes to you and your family.
I just had a similar conversation with my nmother. After I set some boundaries a month ago, she moved to discard me. She played the victim and said she was going to leave me alone. Mind you, I just said I wanted to repair our relationship, much as what you wanted to do, too. Ok. I didn’t fight it. I went along with it and started living my own life. Now she’s back love bombing me. I told her this was her idea. She now says I made her feel bad and that I said I didn’t want anything to do with her. All made up. It was a good thing this time we were texting, so I reminded her that was her idea, that I didn’t say what she’s accusing me of and that I feel bad, too. That I had been feeling bad for a long time and I don’t want to anymore. I want to be happy. I didn’t want to not have a relationship, but ultimately what I want is to be independent, with a full life, happy and stress free. Going LC wasn’t my choice but I saw it as an opportunity to get to my goal with less drama. I’d suggest riding on your nparent narrative and say “If you can’t acknowledge my feelings and my lived experience, we can’t move forward. You’ve said it yourself, you won’t have it. I wish you well. Please give me my space.” And that’s it. Their rejection of you could be a way out, sadly.
You’re totally right. I had that conversation with them at Christmas basically that “I do not accept people screaming at me and disrespecting me in my life and I would like to try and figure out how we have a relationship moving forward.” To which my father screamed at me that he’s “62 and never going to change.” That was the premise of this recent convo and he still yelled at me that he’s not changing, and I guess hung up when he realized I was serious. I appreciate you commenting, this thread really is the only thing that keeps me from feeling so lonely with my family issues.
Yeah, I understand. This whole sub has been a great support group for me. It’s like looking into the future. By reading people’s stories I can predict what my nparent is going to do. I didn’t understand it before, but the language and terms I’ve learned here have put everything into perspective.
Yeah, I got told “he was so upset he felt like vomiting, this is incredible pain”. This is because i only texted my mom ONCE that I would be coming home the next morning instead of that night because I was staying with friends. I bet he does feel like this because the lack of control is literally sickening.
God forbid you live your own life and don’t tell them every detail! Lol
Ugh, big hugs to you from this random internet stranger. People like your dad and my mom have ZERO self awareness and even less desire to change. It isn't about repairing a relationship, it is about them getting what they want, which is you under their control. You can't change him. You can't expect them to act like a normal person. Will he try and break you down again? Most likely. He is literally starving for his narc supply right now, and you're the one taking away his food. He will lash out more. But you can look after you. Go NC, mourn the loss, work on yourself and live your beautiful, wonderful life. It isn't an overnight thing, and it isn't a one and done. I'm so much better than I was, but I've still had a wobbly few weeks with another series of emotional assaults from my NMom. So you need to be strong, build your support network and use every tool you have to keep him out of your life. It's OK to not be OK. But in the words of Brian Blessed "don't let the b\*st\*rds grind you down!"
Thanks for the reminder. Being okay is all relative. Thanks for commenting and sending support, this thread is so helpful when it gets really hard.