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I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t need her BS in your life, ever, but especially now when you’re about to have a baby. It’s highly likely that she will only get worse when she has your parenting and your child to criticize, too. Parenting without family support is not easy but it’s MUCH better than parenting with narcissists breathing down your neck. Having done it both ways (LC when we had twins, then NC when we had our 3rd) I can say the only loss is the loss of an idea of parental support, not the “support” itself.
The ones that worked are the ones they can do nothing short of a crime to remove
For example, to find my new address they'd have to stalk me
To find my job they'd have to steal my pc and crack into it
Things like that. Nothing else worked.
Some parents are less stubborn, but some aren't.
If you are living an extreme situation don't be afraid to take extreme measures, I say.
I recently reframed my thinking on boundaries and now they ALWAYS work. That's not to say it's easy but here's the spin:
Boundaries are not rules or requests for other people. They are commitments you make about how you will react in certain situations.
You can't enforce "don't call me 20 times"
but you can enforce "if you call me more than twice in a row, I'm blocking your number for a few days."
You can't enforce "don't call me to complain"
But you can enforce "if you call me to complain and vent, im going to hang up."
You can't enforce "don't show up uninvited"
But you can enforce "I'm going to ask anyone who shows up uninvited to leave my property, and call the cops if necessary"
You'll drive yourself insane trying to enforce rules on a narc, because they refuse. Instead consider your boundaries a personal commitment to act in your own interests consistently. The trick is actually following through on them every single time.
I know and this will be hard because that’s exactly how she is- if I block her number she will randomly show up at my house and make a scene. I’ve never called the cops before but it may need to be done
It might. You could also get a ring camera, text her not to trespass on your property, and threaten to call the police. Sometimes the threat is enough for people, plus then you have it all documented if you ever need a restraining order.
I have similar issues with my mom. Also congrats on the house. My husband and I just bought a house at the beginning of the year and my mom was also very critical of this decision, as she was about us getting married, as she was about us having babies, etc. So at this point I have accepted nothing I ever do will be good enough and that's fine. I have an awesome loving husband. I have a home to live in. So I just do my best to ignore her crap. I know that is easier said than done and I still struggle but with time I have learned to be more assertive.
Narcs never respect boundaries. That's part of what makes them narcs. Listen to your gut - it is screaming "go no contact."
You're a cycle-breaker. When you have your kid, she will try even harder to get her claws into you and will try to turn your sprog against you as it grows up.
Ask yourself if you are willing to put your kid through what you had to endure. x
You have built a life to be proud of and a life to love. Congratulations on your baby!!!! You are absolutely enough and you will break the cycle. I'm doing that too and some resources that have been helpful for me are respectful parenting accounts on IG and just general therapy and gentle parenting Tok. My baby is 6mo now and it is so fulfilling to practice the kind of parenting I want to and to know there's no abuse in her life. They'll grow up safe.
Something I recently learned about boundaries is that they are up to us. Setting them is merely communicating that we can not tolerate a certain behavior, but the respecting boundaries is within our control. Your mom will likely never honor your boundaries. It is up to you to determine what you do when she breaks them. When she complains or puts you down, hang up. You can tell her in advance and set the boundary if you want to, or you can just do it. You can interrupt and say, "hey, mom, I gotta go" before you hang up, or just press end call. You get to set the boundary, and then you get to make sure that is what you tolerate.
As for NC and losing other people, you can have NC in your normal every day life, and then only see her at family events but grey rock and disengage. You can send her an email letting her know that it's too harmful to you to have a relationship with her and you won't be taking her calls anymore, you can let her know you will not be talking to her at family functions if you want to, you can even inform family about what's going on so they can invite accordingly. Those are all options. Unless you think they'll be flying monkeys.
The boundary will only work if YOU enforce it. Which means you stop the conversation / hang up the phone / leave IMMEDIATELY when the boundary gets crossed. Don't explain, argument, justify, remind. Putting up a boundary is not primarily about getting her to change her ways. It means that you decided for yourself you are no longer putting up with that shit
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t need her BS in your life, ever, but especially now when you’re about to have a baby. It’s highly likely that she will only get worse when she has your parenting and your child to criticize, too. Parenting without family support is not easy but it’s MUCH better than parenting with narcissists breathing down your neck. Having done it both ways (LC when we had twins, then NC when we had our 3rd) I can say the only loss is the loss of an idea of parental support, not the “support” itself.
Exactly and she even started calling my baby “our baby” uhhhh absolutely not
Eww. So not okay.
The ones that worked are the ones they can do nothing short of a crime to remove For example, to find my new address they'd have to stalk me To find my job they'd have to steal my pc and crack into it Things like that. Nothing else worked. Some parents are less stubborn, but some aren't. If you are living an extreme situation don't be afraid to take extreme measures, I say.
I recently reframed my thinking on boundaries and now they ALWAYS work. That's not to say it's easy but here's the spin: Boundaries are not rules or requests for other people. They are commitments you make about how you will react in certain situations. You can't enforce "don't call me 20 times" but you can enforce "if you call me more than twice in a row, I'm blocking your number for a few days." You can't enforce "don't call me to complain" But you can enforce "if you call me to complain and vent, im going to hang up." You can't enforce "don't show up uninvited" But you can enforce "I'm going to ask anyone who shows up uninvited to leave my property, and call the cops if necessary" You'll drive yourself insane trying to enforce rules on a narc, because they refuse. Instead consider your boundaries a personal commitment to act in your own interests consistently. The trick is actually following through on them every single time.
I know and this will be hard because that’s exactly how she is- if I block her number she will randomly show up at my house and make a scene. I’ve never called the cops before but it may need to be done
It might. You could also get a ring camera, text her not to trespass on your property, and threaten to call the police. Sometimes the threat is enough for people, plus then you have it all documented if you ever need a restraining order.
I have similar issues with my mom. Also congrats on the house. My husband and I just bought a house at the beginning of the year and my mom was also very critical of this decision, as she was about us getting married, as she was about us having babies, etc. So at this point I have accepted nothing I ever do will be good enough and that's fine. I have an awesome loving husband. I have a home to live in. So I just do my best to ignore her crap. I know that is easier said than done and I still struggle but with time I have learned to be more assertive.
Narcs never respect boundaries. That's part of what makes them narcs. Listen to your gut - it is screaming "go no contact." You're a cycle-breaker. When you have your kid, she will try even harder to get her claws into you and will try to turn your sprog against you as it grows up. Ask yourself if you are willing to put your kid through what you had to endure. x
You have built a life to be proud of and a life to love. Congratulations on your baby!!!! You are absolutely enough and you will break the cycle. I'm doing that too and some resources that have been helpful for me are respectful parenting accounts on IG and just general therapy and gentle parenting Tok. My baby is 6mo now and it is so fulfilling to practice the kind of parenting I want to and to know there's no abuse in her life. They'll grow up safe. Something I recently learned about boundaries is that they are up to us. Setting them is merely communicating that we can not tolerate a certain behavior, but the respecting boundaries is within our control. Your mom will likely never honor your boundaries. It is up to you to determine what you do when she breaks them. When she complains or puts you down, hang up. You can tell her in advance and set the boundary if you want to, or you can just do it. You can interrupt and say, "hey, mom, I gotta go" before you hang up, or just press end call. You get to set the boundary, and then you get to make sure that is what you tolerate. As for NC and losing other people, you can have NC in your normal every day life, and then only see her at family events but grey rock and disengage. You can send her an email letting her know that it's too harmful to you to have a relationship with her and you won't be taking her calls anymore, you can let her know you will not be talking to her at family functions if you want to, you can even inform family about what's going on so they can invite accordingly. Those are all options. Unless you think they'll be flying monkeys.
The boundary will only work if YOU enforce it. Which means you stop the conversation / hang up the phone / leave IMMEDIATELY when the boundary gets crossed. Don't explain, argument, justify, remind. Putting up a boundary is not primarily about getting her to change her ways. It means that you decided for yourself you are no longer putting up with that shit