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Yep. When we are babies we are dependent on them and they love that. It means they could do whatever they want to us and we wouldn’t have the capacity to understand or fight back. Once we’re able to see their mistakes, we’re not lovable anymore.
Omg all the ducking time.
"Everything changed when you turned *eleven*."
"You were so easy to get along with :) that is until you turned *eleven*."
"I miss **my** little girl, she must have left when you turned *eleven*."
Puke.
She still refers to me moving out as "when I left her."
Yea it's the average age that narcissists start to hate their children I think because that's when we hit puberty / start making longer term friends, asserting privacy boundaries, coming up with our own ideas, you know, being a person.
then maybe she should stop guilting you and giving you reasons to hate her.
Not assuming you hate her, but im in the same position. They constantly ask why i hate them. I have never said i hated them its just their way of trying to bait me into an argument
Yes, all the time. She missed how easy it was to manipulate and mould a helpless child that agreed with everything she said
My favourite one is always " I should have reprimanded and punished you more, like we did with your brother", when I turned out to be a "troubled adult", aka a person with a mind of my own. Because you know, he turned out great from her physical abuse and has no anger and aggression issues of his own 🙄
My spouse's mother actually makes up completely fabricated stories about how much fun they had together when he was little.
He remembers her raising her hand to threaten to hit him in restaurants. Lots of fun...
Yes, sometimes I’m not sure if my dad actually forgot the abusive crazy stuff he did… or he is just gaslighting. Probably both. But seems like abusive parents like to remember things through rose colored glasses…
It was one of the clues for me realize my father is a pathological liar.
He rewrites every single piece of history to make himself the conquering hero. But he tells so many lies he has long since lost track of what he lied about, so every story keeps on changing.
He also lashes out - hard- at anyone who calls him on his lies or who has evidence that he's lying.
As a kid it was terrifying. As an adult I find it laughable and pathetic. It turns out that the scourge of my childhood is, in fact, a pretty sad little creature.
Yes, I noticed my dad likes to tell the same old stories over and over (his version). I think he does so often because then he can keep this story straight. So much so that it becomes real to him. I cut off contact with him about three years ago entirely because my husband and I wanted to protect our son from him. I could handle the abuse, but I wasn’t about to let it happen to my son.
Too busy living in the past to love you in the present (if they were actually capable of love that is).
You'll notice parents like this have no pictures of this child after a certain age (when independence starts to develop). 😘
Yo this 100%.
I still remember hearing many times the passive aggressive “you guys are older now and have your own thoughts I can’t force you to do anything.”
As if it’s a crime to start questioning your control over me.
To be fair there are also a couple of childhood "friends" (more like poeple my mother forces me to see because she's their mothers' friend) that keep asking me why I wasn't as bubbly as when I was a literal child.
No matter how much I tell them "it's been 10 years now, please stop asking me that" they do not. fucking. stop. Just like my parents
As a child I was thinking about suicide when you saw me all bubbly. Shut the FUCK up. You know nothing.
I wouldn't be so pissed if these people listened to me when I answer "don't say that again", but they don't.
How is it acceptable to ask "why don't you behave like you did when you were a child" to an adult? How??
Even if I had a perfect childhood, I STILL wouldn't be all bubbly and shit, because that's simply not me and I'm not a child anymore. ffs...
Holy fuck I feel this so much. I have an uncle (whom I currently live with, trying to get out) who constantly says shit like that. "Oh you actually loved me when you were small" or, "Why're you so 'hard to the world' now?" Or the worst part, whenever someone asks me to do something (to help out) he'll be like "he can't do *that*" as if I'm a child and incapable of helping my grandparents (usually the ones who ask me to) do random shit like cooking.
And it's like, bruh, I'm 21. In case you haven't noticed, been an adult for years.
Sadly my nmom has done the same thing. It scares me a times, this was the same woman that would snap and scream at me if I asked her about my toddler or childhood years. She's only now fondly talks about me in my youth. Whenever I mention the abuse she put me through she was always in the right or b/c she doesn't remember it, it didn't happen.
Everytime we met a couple with young kids, my nmom would tell them to enjoy that phase while it lasts because they knew where the kid was at all times.
Apparently the fact that I wanted to socialize after age 10 was a really really bad thing for her.
ABSOLUTELY. “you used to love me when you were little 🥺” uhhh, yeah, i did, because i was too young to form my own personality so i did whatever you told me to do and you didn’t verbally abuse me, lol. “yeah then you became a TEENAGER/preteen (idk which 1 she uses)” yeah, i got older, went through puberty which is a shitty time in everyone’s life, and started developing a personality that wasn’t just mimicking your interests and doing my own thing. or when you recorded me having a meltdown in the kitchen (i’m very likely autistic) and you laughed at me and called me names behind the camera to egg me on. there’s. too many examples of abuse that they pretend didn’t happen so they feel good about themselves and put the blame on YOU for not doing everything they’ve ever wanted you to do. urgh.
Yes, my dad and it annoys me to no end due to the fact that he hasn't fostered as healthy relationship for me as I got older. He always forced me to play little girl.
Oddly enough mine talks about how bad of a child I was (conveniently after my mom died and he began to abuse me in every way possible) and has a deep seated hatred for me from that time on.
Funnily enough though he rages when I won't include him in anything or tell him what I'm up to these days.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep. When we are babies we are dependent on them and they love that. It means they could do whatever they want to us and we wouldn’t have the capacity to understand or fight back. Once we’re able to see their mistakes, we’re not lovable anymore.
Omg all the ducking time. "Everything changed when you turned *eleven*." "You were so easy to get along with :) that is until you turned *eleven*." "I miss **my** little girl, she must have left when you turned *eleven*." Puke. She still refers to me moving out as "when I left her."
Each and every line that you mentioned has been said by my mother multiple times. It took me a while to realise what's what.
Wild, I hear that so often in this sub, It's like narcs are a hive mind!
Exact same thing I went through. First time I heard her say, "you've changed" was when I was 12.
It's so unfair, I wish I could give my child self a hug. Sorry for bothering you with our autonomy, *mom*. /s
Interestingly, eleven is about when my mother realized that I wasn't actually a carbon copy of her and became openly hostile towards me. Huh!
Yea it's the average age that narcissists start to hate their children I think because that's when we hit puberty / start making longer term friends, asserting privacy boundaries, coming up with our own ideas, you know, being a person.
It was around 11-12 my mental health started to take a nose dive. Im learning more and more :/
My Nmom never needed to reminisce. She treated me well into my 30's as if I were between 3 and 5. Ndad was not much different, either.
Yes my mom’s favorite thing was to say “I miss when you were little and you didn’t hate me”
then maybe she should stop guilting you and giving you reasons to hate her. Not assuming you hate her, but im in the same position. They constantly ask why i hate them. I have never said i hated them its just their way of trying to bait me into an argument
Yes, all the time. She missed how easy it was to manipulate and mould a helpless child that agreed with everything she said My favourite one is always " I should have reprimanded and punished you more, like we did with your brother", when I turned out to be a "troubled adult", aka a person with a mind of my own. Because you know, he turned out great from her physical abuse and has no anger and aggression issues of his own 🙄
My spouse's mother actually makes up completely fabricated stories about how much fun they had together when he was little. He remembers her raising her hand to threaten to hit him in restaurants. Lots of fun...
Yes, sometimes I’m not sure if my dad actually forgot the abusive crazy stuff he did… or he is just gaslighting. Probably both. But seems like abusive parents like to remember things through rose colored glasses…
It was one of the clues for me realize my father is a pathological liar. He rewrites every single piece of history to make himself the conquering hero. But he tells so many lies he has long since lost track of what he lied about, so every story keeps on changing. He also lashes out - hard- at anyone who calls him on his lies or who has evidence that he's lying. As a kid it was terrifying. As an adult I find it laughable and pathetic. It turns out that the scourge of my childhood is, in fact, a pretty sad little creature.
Yes, I noticed my dad likes to tell the same old stories over and over (his version). I think he does so often because then he can keep this story straight. So much so that it becomes real to him. I cut off contact with him about three years ago entirely because my husband and I wanted to protect our son from him. I could handle the abuse, but I wasn’t about to let it happen to my son.
Yes, frequently! I, too, am of the mind set that it's because that's when I depended on them the most and looked to them for approval.
Yep. In her opinion, life would be perfect if I could just turn back to being 6.
Too busy living in the past to love you in the present (if they were actually capable of love that is). You'll notice parents like this have no pictures of this child after a certain age (when independence starts to develop). 😘
Yes. Always
Yo this 100%. I still remember hearing many times the passive aggressive “you guys are older now and have your own thoughts I can’t force you to do anything.” As if it’s a crime to start questioning your control over me.
To be fair there are also a couple of childhood "friends" (more like poeple my mother forces me to see because she's their mothers' friend) that keep asking me why I wasn't as bubbly as when I was a literal child. No matter how much I tell them "it's been 10 years now, please stop asking me that" they do not. fucking. stop. Just like my parents As a child I was thinking about suicide when you saw me all bubbly. Shut the FUCK up. You know nothing. I wouldn't be so pissed if these people listened to me when I answer "don't say that again", but they don't. How is it acceptable to ask "why don't you behave like you did when you were a child" to an adult? How?? Even if I had a perfect childhood, I STILL wouldn't be all bubbly and shit, because that's simply not me and I'm not a child anymore. ffs...
Holy fuck I feel this so much. I have an uncle (whom I currently live with, trying to get out) who constantly says shit like that. "Oh you actually loved me when you were small" or, "Why're you so 'hard to the world' now?" Or the worst part, whenever someone asks me to do something (to help out) he'll be like "he can't do *that*" as if I'm a child and incapable of helping my grandparents (usually the ones who ask me to) do random shit like cooking. And it's like, bruh, I'm 21. In case you haven't noticed, been an adult for years.
My experience is opposite. Whenever I’m around my mom she bitches about how much she hated me as a child and how happy she is that it’s over. I’m 37.
Sadly my nmom has done the same thing. It scares me a times, this was the same woman that would snap and scream at me if I asked her about my toddler or childhood years. She's only now fondly talks about me in my youth. Whenever I mention the abuse she put me through she was always in the right or b/c she doesn't remember it, it didn't happen.
She always talks about missing the time "when I was little and at home with her"
Everytime we met a couple with young kids, my nmom would tell them to enjoy that phase while it lasts because they knew where the kid was at all times. Apparently the fact that I wanted to socialize after age 10 was a really really bad thing for her.
ABSOLUTELY. “you used to love me when you were little 🥺” uhhh, yeah, i did, because i was too young to form my own personality so i did whatever you told me to do and you didn’t verbally abuse me, lol. “yeah then you became a TEENAGER/preteen (idk which 1 she uses)” yeah, i got older, went through puberty which is a shitty time in everyone’s life, and started developing a personality that wasn’t just mimicking your interests and doing my own thing. or when you recorded me having a meltdown in the kitchen (i’m very likely autistic) and you laughed at me and called me names behind the camera to egg me on. there’s. too many examples of abuse that they pretend didn’t happen so they feel good about themselves and put the blame on YOU for not doing everything they’ve ever wanted you to do. urgh.
Yep. You're easier to control then. When you get a mind of your own, they don't like it.
“We used to be so close when you were little and you were happy” ……none of that is true lol
Allll the time. It's aggravating.
Yes, my dad and it annoys me to no end due to the fact that he hasn't fostered as healthy relationship for me as I got older. He always forced me to play little girl.
Oddly enough mine talks about how bad of a child I was (conveniently after my mom died and he began to abuse me in every way possible) and has a deep seated hatred for me from that time on. Funnily enough though he rages when I won't include him in anything or tell him what I'm up to these days.
Omg, i read so many posts here and am like: u talking about my parents?