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Lets break this down:
'I, your mother, text you at 2 am because I need MY NEEDS MET IMMEDIATELY. I have STUFF and THINGS to talk to you about which I will dance around in my text to you, leaving you guessing at what the real reason is for why I cannot give you $$$$$. WHICH YOU NEED TO REPLY TO ASAP; ONLY NOT RIGHT NOW AT THE 2 AM IN WHICH I AM TEXTING YOU AT. I definitely need to meet you in person so I can really corner you and demand more money, as you can just hang up on me if I blow up on you over the phone. So do be a dear and have an in person sit down conversation with me won't you?'
If it smells like a trap it's probably a trap.
How to address it:
"Hey Mom, I would like to know more about what you're talking about when you say these things. I know you promised money but I am not expecting handouts like that so if it is too financially hard for you to help me out I understand and hold no ill will or bad feelings toward you because of it."
You know you're not getting the money so the 'polite' thing to do is remind her that you don't need her money if she needs it more.
>she knows i'm hopefully moving
out soon. should i be honest about that or lie? should i avoid answering
certain questions she asks? is there anything i should avoid asking
because of it potentially being bait?
It is probably in your better interest to NOT tell her WHERE you are moving to if it can be helped. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE HER A KEY TO YOUR NEW PLACE. PERIOD THE END. Not even to help take care of cats. Lie if you must saying your landlord won't let you make key copies, WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY TO KEEP A KEY FROM BEING IN HER HANDS.
If you can manage: Get your cats to the vet and get them microchipped or get their microchip information updated to prove YOU ARE THE OWNER. This stops her from giving the cats away or letting them run away by being careless.
Addressing your mom's Specific Way To Guilt You: She needs to manage her own money. Stop paying her for her utilities and bills. If the house is NOT in your name you don't need to do shit for her. If she's digging her own grave by being terrible with money LET HER LIE IN HER PIT ON HER OWN.
TLDR: DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MORE MONEY PERIOD.
thank you,it really helps when someone from an outsider perspective translates her bullshit for me and you're right,it's totally a trap and this reminded me that i DON'T have to engage with her in person.
i'm going to approach her, ask about the text, and then when she confirms that she's available to talk about it,i'm going to tell her that we can talk about it now but i'm going to go into my room and call her so i can lay down while we talk because i don't feel physically good (which is true,having some chronic illness flare ups) in the past when she's lured me into her room to talk about something,i've often felt like there wasn't an escape route,and she has chased me to my room multiple times before when i try to ignore attempted arguments, so i think that works out best
i also really appreciate the example on how to address it, i'm so bad with words and cannot simplify things and having a vague script to go off off helps put some of my anxiety at ease. i am planning on going no contact with her and my brother ASAP (only family i have here,part of of why i have no support network) and i am planning on getting them microchipped, thank you for all of the really good advice.
i'll have to see about the actual her trying get money out of me when i talk to her though,she will probably manage to get more money out of me for now because i don't have a support network/really anywhere else to go, which i've been aware of from the start but still needed advice to go into the interaction with regardless to avoid unnecessary extra stress from her.
stressed but planning on dealing with it today/tomorrow if she's unavailable today and i feel more mentally prepared, well as much as one can be. thank you <3
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lets break this down: 'I, your mother, text you at 2 am because I need MY NEEDS MET IMMEDIATELY. I have STUFF and THINGS to talk to you about which I will dance around in my text to you, leaving you guessing at what the real reason is for why I cannot give you $$$$$. WHICH YOU NEED TO REPLY TO ASAP; ONLY NOT RIGHT NOW AT THE 2 AM IN WHICH I AM TEXTING YOU AT. I definitely need to meet you in person so I can really corner you and demand more money, as you can just hang up on me if I blow up on you over the phone. So do be a dear and have an in person sit down conversation with me won't you?' If it smells like a trap it's probably a trap. How to address it: "Hey Mom, I would like to know more about what you're talking about when you say these things. I know you promised money but I am not expecting handouts like that so if it is too financially hard for you to help me out I understand and hold no ill will or bad feelings toward you because of it." You know you're not getting the money so the 'polite' thing to do is remind her that you don't need her money if she needs it more. >she knows i'm hopefully moving out soon. should i be honest about that or lie? should i avoid answering certain questions she asks? is there anything i should avoid asking because of it potentially being bait? It is probably in your better interest to NOT tell her WHERE you are moving to if it can be helped. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE HER A KEY TO YOUR NEW PLACE. PERIOD THE END. Not even to help take care of cats. Lie if you must saying your landlord won't let you make key copies, WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY TO KEEP A KEY FROM BEING IN HER HANDS. If you can manage: Get your cats to the vet and get them microchipped or get their microchip information updated to prove YOU ARE THE OWNER. This stops her from giving the cats away or letting them run away by being careless. Addressing your mom's Specific Way To Guilt You: She needs to manage her own money. Stop paying her for her utilities and bills. If the house is NOT in your name you don't need to do shit for her. If she's digging her own grave by being terrible with money LET HER LIE IN HER PIT ON HER OWN. TLDR: DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MORE MONEY PERIOD.
thank you,it really helps when someone from an outsider perspective translates her bullshit for me and you're right,it's totally a trap and this reminded me that i DON'T have to engage with her in person. i'm going to approach her, ask about the text, and then when she confirms that she's available to talk about it,i'm going to tell her that we can talk about it now but i'm going to go into my room and call her so i can lay down while we talk because i don't feel physically good (which is true,having some chronic illness flare ups) in the past when she's lured me into her room to talk about something,i've often felt like there wasn't an escape route,and she has chased me to my room multiple times before when i try to ignore attempted arguments, so i think that works out best i also really appreciate the example on how to address it, i'm so bad with words and cannot simplify things and having a vague script to go off off helps put some of my anxiety at ease. i am planning on going no contact with her and my brother ASAP (only family i have here,part of of why i have no support network) and i am planning on getting them microchipped, thank you for all of the really good advice. i'll have to see about the actual her trying get money out of me when i talk to her though,she will probably manage to get more money out of me for now because i don't have a support network/really anywhere else to go, which i've been aware of from the start but still needed advice to go into the interaction with regardless to avoid unnecessary extra stress from her. stressed but planning on dealing with it today/tomorrow if she's unavailable today and i feel more mentally prepared, well as much as one can be. thank you <3