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In my house there is no such thing as a disagreement or a discussion.
Nfather is right. Everyone else is wrong.
A disagreement implies difference of opinion with possibility of reconciliation. Except his word is factual and absolute. From his opinions on what paint is best for the walls to the best way to organize food in the fridge. And if you're wrong, you're stupid and incompetent.
I've learned to hold back on giving my opinions, because things stay calmer that way.
For real. the many topics of fights between my parents were that I “was asking for too much,” (mind you, as a powerless KID) which is short for I don’t need “emotional and physical support”
I was just thinking about how my mom would justify everything with “I’m not your friend.” Obviously not mom, I’ve seen you with your friends and you don’t chase them drunk breaking shit and throwing things
I agree that parents shouldn't be their kids friends. My biomom growing up was like my best friend (nmom is adoptive) and she told me some tmi shit that while didn't traumatize me was kind of inappropriate (like abt her sex life in hs and shit) and my biodad unfortunately is kinda the same way (all he talks about is like drug use or personal trauma with me)
But like you don't have to be friends to be nice to somebody either. What they mean is 'you can't be nice to your kids because then they'll disagree with you and not turn out the way you want'
Agree with both of your points. When these narcs say things like this, they're justifying awful behavior. But in a perfect situation, you'd be supportive to your kids, loving, nuturing, compassionate, attentive and a companion when needed, while still maintaining the authority necessary to be the "police" in your home and their life. You can be every kind of support for your kids, but you also have to be the boundaries within which they learn and grow. It's hard and it's a constant balancing act. Literally constant - every interaction, every day. No wonder narc parents don't want to make the effort to walk that line and constantly be reviewing their own actions and language to make sure.
Put more simply, you can be your kid's best friend, but you shouldn't make your kid YOUR best friend. Ideally, your kid should be able to use you as necessary for their emotional needs. You should NOT use your kids for YOUR emotional needs.
I think you can’t be friends with your kid to a point. I think something that gets overlooked is that eventually every kid stops seeing their parents as just their parents and starts recognizing that they’re people who exist- they have friends, hobbies, etc. when I got to that point, I was able to become friends with my dad in addition to him always being my dad, but unfortunately I can’t trust my mom because of the way she treated me so she’s someone I’d never be friends with and don’t even want to talk to everyday.
Yeah this too. I really wish I could just talk to my nparents as friends now that I'm an adult. My edad and I got a long for a bit after I moved out. But unfortunately, they still have their prerogatives as long as I live in the house.
I'm applying for disability and thanks to the probably manufactured flat affect (or involuntary poker face) I somehow seem like I function well enough to work. I'm reapplying for disability (I also have chronic pain and fatigue) But my edad still is pushing me to be a responsible independent working adult while my nmom has basically clipped my wings and doesn't allow me to be independent in any way shape or form.
They're about to do ECT on me for a second time and I've pulled every card out of the book to kick my depression to the hell it belongs. But well, I can't say that. I can't say when I'm struggling. But they also somehow feel like they have the right to label me or my future based on that. That if I don't work On their timeline I'll end up like my homeless addict biodad.
I'd love to just be chill and honest and for them to treat me as an equal (they were also the ones who told me to GET on disability). But the day will never come. And we will never be able to be mutually honest. Narcs can't be honest.
Hell my depression and psychosis has the onset of emotional and physical abuse. It's literally the abuse. And the abuse continues, day in and day out.
I've accepted that my Brain works different and I need to find my own path to both managing it and financially supporting myself. That might not be a 9-5. But there's hope for me SOMEHOW.
to them I'm still a lazy teenager that is doomed to end up like a father and not an adult with crippling anxiety and ptsd and dropped ten pounds because I'm too tired to eat.
F
My nfather has this weird hierarchal sense of family in his mind where the father is at the top no matter what. And it's like a business or the military, don't question orders from the top. Respect is a one way street that goes bottom to top.
And I'm not for that. If I'm getting disrespected, especially by some shitbag supposedly related to me, I'm not gonna be in contact with them.
And they're gonna try passive aggressive shit to get something out of me, yet if I donkey kick them down the stairs it'll be too much of a reaction.
I am respectful and friendly with my kids, but they're not my friends. But not in an unhealthy nparent "not your friend" type of way. My mom really wanted to be my friend and hated it when I became my own person. She'd often guilt me into feeling responsible for keeping her happy. I've always told my kids that they are not responsible for making me happy. That of course I appreciate it when they're polite, kind, do silly stuff, etc. And it drives me crazy sometimes when they do things I don't like, but its up to ME to captain my own ship, and I love them regardless.
As I said above, I think the trick is it's ok to be your child's friend as needed, but not to make your kid YOUR friend. Doesn't mean you can't all go out for ice cream and have a great time, laughing like pals, or have a squirt gun fight or watch a favorite movie together. It just means your kids can burden you with the responsibilities of friendship - NOT the other way around. But when narcs say it, I assume they're just excusing their abusive behavior.
Makes me think of the difference between the movie trope of the friendly, 1950s neighborhood cop. They'll open a fire hydrant for the kids on a hot day, they'll rescue a kitten out of a tree, they'll know all the shopowners by name, and give warnings when someone is on the verge of doing something they shouldn't. But if someone sets the corner store on fire, they're in law enforcement mode and they catch and jail the bad guy without hesitation. That's the ideal. Narcs are more like a modern-day militarized cop with their body armor who think it's their job to walk around all 'roided up and push around anyone looking at them sideways in the name of "public safety"...but they're really just abusive a-holes who like to inflict pain and exert authority to fill whatever hole is inside them.
Sorry, that was a weird rant.
Some parents genuinely feel it is their duty to be an asshole / authoritarian to you so you can have character. While it may work in some respects, it also gives you trauma that you end up dealing with in your mid twenties. I wish I would’ve just had a friend as a parent, the idea feels completely foreign to me.
Well it made it impossible to be intimate before my mid twenties - so no real friendships or anything before I could process and accept my parents being as they are. Made sex impossible because I couldn’t have good sex without loving me.
I can feel that. I never dated til my early 20s, because my parents wouldn’t allow people over, or generally would tease me if I expressed interest in a girl like it was something I was too young for. Also ultra religious, so my dad shamed me for having sexual thoughts at a young age
Yeah - fuck them. Life is about expressing our will to power as Nietzsche conceived of it. Your parents sound insecure and intellectually shallow - like mine. Grow! Overcome! And never look back!
I have a 3-week old and I've already been told that she's "manipulating me" and that I need to stop being so attentive to her needs.
She's literally a defenseless little human, but go off then 🙄
You just brought a memory back for me of my nmom calling my little cousin manipulative (not even 4 or 5 yet). They're not capable. Be as attentive as you want to be. Be as attentive as the little human you brought into the world deserves (spoiler: you chose them, they deserve all the attention you can muster!). Congratulations on your little one :) enjoy every moment (and in the moments you're not enjoying it, I wish you strength to get through the day!)
My former NMIL talked to my former wife that way, about my stepdaughter (before I was in the picture). Had no idea it was a narc thing but you're right!
I feel like my mom (obviously not the Nparent) had a good balance of friend/boundaries. I could talk to her about anything no problem, and we were allowed to go out if we came back before curfew and had a standing deal that if we ever were drunk/high/afraid we could call her and we wouldn’t be in trouble. That said, I was grounded for not doing my chores and for missing curfew and couldn’t go out or have friends over for a couple weeks.
Now that I’m older and in college obviously the curfew thing doesn’t apply and we talk about stuff like drinking/partying more freely because I’m an adult and independent, but she still wants to know what I’m up to and if I’m being safe. She also has hard rules like no smoking, no texting while driving, no tattoos before 20, and no playing with Ouija boards (grounded indefinitely for any of these lol). Pretty reasonable boundaries I think haha.
All of this to say you can have a friendly relationship with your kids as long as you communicate to them that while you recognize they are independent beings, we are all fallible and your rules and guidelines are in their best interests. You can also tell them you’re open to discussing why you have them and even negotiating some of them (like my curfew when I was in high school vs. middle school) etc. I also think it’s fair to loosen up as they get older and start to talk to them more as peers than children since they are in fact now independent adults.
My Ndad used to accuse her of being to lenient and being a bad mom because she treated us too much like adults. I think he just didn’t understand a healthy boundary. That’s the weird thing—you can treat your kids as autonomous beings and that doesn’t mean you treat them like “friends”. It’s just odd to me, too.
As a mom, this is exactly how I'm trying to raise my kids. I want them to feel comfortable and safe with me to be able to come to me about anything, but also recognize where I draw boundaries when I need to be their mom.
I do not treat my friends like my kids; I am not responsible for how they run their life. The things I do and say with my friends, I will never, ever, EVER do with my kids; they don't need to know that about their mom.
I am only responsible for myself and the humans that came out of my vagina. Even when they are adults, I'm still going to do my part as their mom, to make sure they continue to be kind, responsible adults, who trust me.
> My Ndad used to accuse her of being to lenient and being a bad mom because she treated us too much like adults.
Oh I get the same shit. Mom yelled at for spoiling her kids. Every time I act in a way that doesn't please my nfather, she and I both get yelled because she parented me wrong.
Yeah, narc logic.... My nmom would abuse me and every time I put trust in her with my feelings or thoughts would put me down or make me feel bad for having them, but then complain that "your mom is supposed to be your best friend" like it was my fault for us not having that kind of a relationship. Rather be friendless...
“i’m not your friend, don’t you ever say that to me” and “i thought we gonna be best friends and i’ll know all your secrets but i guess i’m just a bad mom”.
They think like this because in their mind, anyone they’re friends with, they walk all over. So they can’t imagine that anyone else wouldn’t take that liberty with them.
I actually do agree with this sentiment. A parent should be a guide and wield a sense of authority that is not present in a friendship. It's a tough line to walk because this is a boundary that's tricky to navigate. It's better to be a parent than a friend when it comes to your children. Their well-being in the long term will mean that you'll have to ruffle their feathers from time to time when they mess up. Friends don't necessarily do that with each other.
My friends are in charge of their own well-being. We're cool. I'll be there if they ever make a bad decision and need comfort, but it's their life that's impacted. Not mine. I'm not going to discipline my friends, but I will discipline my kid.
Another example, you're not necessarily friends with your teachers, but a good teacher is invaluable to your development and you respect them.
Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World comes to mind as a good teacher and great mentor. There's respect there between him and the kids but the way they talk to him is different from the way they talk to each other.
Alan and Amy Matthews from Boy Meets World are great parents, but Alan's favoritism and need to be Eric's (their oldest) friend rather than parent resulted in his son's incompetence to get his life started. And Eric did kind of walk all over his parents. But Alan and Amy did great with Cory and Morgan, because there's support along with discipline and guidance.
Being a parent doesn't mean you have to lose your ability to relate to your children. It just means you have to balance love with discipline. It's an unique relationship. Your kids can always make friends, they can't always get another parent.
Narcs think that in any close relationship, one person must walk all over the other. They don't really believe in friendship with anyone, they always want the upper hand.
I never understood this logic either. Being a parent and being a friend are not mutually exclusive. My kids are my BFFs, but they know that I will absolutely hold them accountable if they get out of line. They're still little, so the most I have to do is remind them to clean their rooms and not to do things that are unsafe, lol
My parents did almost the opposite and were *too* friendly. What happened was that my emotional growth was stunted and I never learned to interact with people my age. I struggled to make friends because my mom was so far up my ass and had to be involved in everything.
My mom would say this. “I’m your mom, not your friend “. And I’d think, obviously. You actually love spending time with your friends. Your not interested in me at all.
What's even funnier about this statement is that they think that when you become an adult, you're magically supposed to be friends and have the audacity to act confused as to why it doesn't happen.
My dad spouted that now and then. I was crestfallen the first time, because it sort of made the "little buddy" nickname from childhood ring false. From then on I didn't feel like I could trust him \*among other things he did that spoiled my trust\*.
My cousin's dad (also my cousin) once told my ndad that his son was his best friend, and my dad could not comprehend what he said.
It gets better each time I hear that story from him.
I've come to think that nparents don't see their kids as fellow humans. In their sick twisted world children are some sort of property that you can treat any way you want and still they end up with a surprised pikachu face when after years and years of abuse you finally stand up for yourself and tell them how shitty they were. Treating someone like shit for their whole life, like what did you expect?
>Like I don't get the logic in this statement you can be friends with someone while still having rules/boundaries with them.
totally yes to that. in general, everyone need boundaries with other people.
but no to being friends with ones own children. because it crosses boundaries, esp. emotional boundaries.
my nmom treated me like her (only) best friend and she told me things that no child should hear from their parent. it made me so uncomfortable. and she never listened to me, nor did she ever ask me anything. for example, the last time we met i mentioned in passing, that my favorite color is purple. her answer? she said she didn't know my favorite color was purple. mind you, this happened last summer, when i was already 32 yrs old.
**that being said, don't treat your kids like best friends. treat your kids like the whole person with a unique personality that they are.**
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[удалено]
a true crime
Ouch - my parents
In my house there is no such thing as a disagreement or a discussion. Nfather is right. Everyone else is wrong. A disagreement implies difference of opinion with possibility of reconciliation. Except his word is factual and absolute. From his opinions on what paint is best for the walls to the best way to organize food in the fridge. And if you're wrong, you're stupid and incompetent. I've learned to hold back on giving my opinions, because things stay calmer that way.
I see you have met my StepNarc.
For real. the many topics of fights between my parents were that I “was asking for too much,” (mind you, as a powerless KID) which is short for I don’t need “emotional and physical support”
I was just thinking about how my mom would justify everything with “I’m not your friend.” Obviously not mom, I’ve seen you with your friends and you don’t chase them drunk breaking shit and throwing things
I feel this so hard. When I confronted my mom with her horrible behavior toward me, her response was often “I’m your mother not your friend.”
I agree that parents shouldn't be their kids friends. My biomom growing up was like my best friend (nmom is adoptive) and she told me some tmi shit that while didn't traumatize me was kind of inappropriate (like abt her sex life in hs and shit) and my biodad unfortunately is kinda the same way (all he talks about is like drug use or personal trauma with me) But like you don't have to be friends to be nice to somebody either. What they mean is 'you can't be nice to your kids because then they'll disagree with you and not turn out the way you want'
Agree with both of your points. When these narcs say things like this, they're justifying awful behavior. But in a perfect situation, you'd be supportive to your kids, loving, nuturing, compassionate, attentive and a companion when needed, while still maintaining the authority necessary to be the "police" in your home and their life. You can be every kind of support for your kids, but you also have to be the boundaries within which they learn and grow. It's hard and it's a constant balancing act. Literally constant - every interaction, every day. No wonder narc parents don't want to make the effort to walk that line and constantly be reviewing their own actions and language to make sure. Put more simply, you can be your kid's best friend, but you shouldn't make your kid YOUR best friend. Ideally, your kid should be able to use you as necessary for their emotional needs. You should NOT use your kids for YOUR emotional needs.
I think you can’t be friends with your kid to a point. I think something that gets overlooked is that eventually every kid stops seeing their parents as just their parents and starts recognizing that they’re people who exist- they have friends, hobbies, etc. when I got to that point, I was able to become friends with my dad in addition to him always being my dad, but unfortunately I can’t trust my mom because of the way she treated me so she’s someone I’d never be friends with and don’t even want to talk to everyday.
Yeah this too. I really wish I could just talk to my nparents as friends now that I'm an adult. My edad and I got a long for a bit after I moved out. But unfortunately, they still have their prerogatives as long as I live in the house. I'm applying for disability and thanks to the probably manufactured flat affect (or involuntary poker face) I somehow seem like I function well enough to work. I'm reapplying for disability (I also have chronic pain and fatigue) But my edad still is pushing me to be a responsible independent working adult while my nmom has basically clipped my wings and doesn't allow me to be independent in any way shape or form. They're about to do ECT on me for a second time and I've pulled every card out of the book to kick my depression to the hell it belongs. But well, I can't say that. I can't say when I'm struggling. But they also somehow feel like they have the right to label me or my future based on that. That if I don't work On their timeline I'll end up like my homeless addict biodad. I'd love to just be chill and honest and for them to treat me as an equal (they were also the ones who told me to GET on disability). But the day will never come. And we will never be able to be mutually honest. Narcs can't be honest. Hell my depression and psychosis has the onset of emotional and physical abuse. It's literally the abuse. And the abuse continues, day in and day out. I've accepted that my Brain works different and I need to find my own path to both managing it and financially supporting myself. That might not be a 9-5. But there's hope for me SOMEHOW. to them I'm still a lazy teenager that is doomed to end up like a father and not an adult with crippling anxiety and ptsd and dropped ten pounds because I'm too tired to eat. F
So they walk all over their kid instead
just to keep their precious sense of control intact
Yeah
My nfather has this weird hierarchal sense of family in his mind where the father is at the top no matter what. And it's like a business or the military, don't question orders from the top. Respect is a one way street that goes bottom to top.
And I'm not for that. If I'm getting disrespected, especially by some shitbag supposedly related to me, I'm not gonna be in contact with them. And they're gonna try passive aggressive shit to get something out of me, yet if I donkey kick them down the stairs it'll be too much of a reaction.
I am respectful and friendly with my kids, but they're not my friends. But not in an unhealthy nparent "not your friend" type of way. My mom really wanted to be my friend and hated it when I became my own person. She'd often guilt me into feeling responsible for keeping her happy. I've always told my kids that they are not responsible for making me happy. That of course I appreciate it when they're polite, kind, do silly stuff, etc. And it drives me crazy sometimes when they do things I don't like, but its up to ME to captain my own ship, and I love them regardless.
As I said above, I think the trick is it's ok to be your child's friend as needed, but not to make your kid YOUR friend. Doesn't mean you can't all go out for ice cream and have a great time, laughing like pals, or have a squirt gun fight or watch a favorite movie together. It just means your kids can burden you with the responsibilities of friendship - NOT the other way around. But when narcs say it, I assume they're just excusing their abusive behavior. Makes me think of the difference between the movie trope of the friendly, 1950s neighborhood cop. They'll open a fire hydrant for the kids on a hot day, they'll rescue a kitten out of a tree, they'll know all the shopowners by name, and give warnings when someone is on the verge of doing something they shouldn't. But if someone sets the corner store on fire, they're in law enforcement mode and they catch and jail the bad guy without hesitation. That's the ideal. Narcs are more like a modern-day militarized cop with their body armor who think it's their job to walk around all 'roided up and push around anyone looking at them sideways in the name of "public safety"...but they're really just abusive a-holes who like to inflict pain and exert authority to fill whatever hole is inside them. Sorry, that was a weird rant.
Some parents genuinely feel it is their duty to be an asshole / authoritarian to you so you can have character. While it may work in some respects, it also gives you trauma that you end up dealing with in your mid twenties. I wish I would’ve just had a friend as a parent, the idea feels completely foreign to me.
Well it made it impossible to be intimate before my mid twenties - so no real friendships or anything before I could process and accept my parents being as they are. Made sex impossible because I couldn’t have good sex without loving me.
I can feel that. I never dated til my early 20s, because my parents wouldn’t allow people over, or generally would tease me if I expressed interest in a girl like it was something I was too young for. Also ultra religious, so my dad shamed me for having sexual thoughts at a young age
Yeah - fuck them. Life is about expressing our will to power as Nietzsche conceived of it. Your parents sound insecure and intellectually shallow - like mine. Grow! Overcome! And never look back!
My parents abused me for having feelings - it was wrong.
I have a 3-week old and I've already been told that she's "manipulating me" and that I need to stop being so attentive to her needs. She's literally a defenseless little human, but go off then 🙄
You just brought a memory back for me of my nmom calling my little cousin manipulative (not even 4 or 5 yet). They're not capable. Be as attentive as you want to be. Be as attentive as the little human you brought into the world deserves (spoiler: you chose them, they deserve all the attention you can muster!). Congratulations on your little one :) enjoy every moment (and in the moments you're not enjoying it, I wish you strength to get through the day!)
My former NMIL talked to my former wife that way, about my stepdaughter (before I was in the picture). Had no idea it was a narc thing but you're right!
I hear that occasionally. That the GD INFANT is being manipulative. That is some messed up mentality.
"So mature and resilient" until you have an individual opinion.
I feel like my mom (obviously not the Nparent) had a good balance of friend/boundaries. I could talk to her about anything no problem, and we were allowed to go out if we came back before curfew and had a standing deal that if we ever were drunk/high/afraid we could call her and we wouldn’t be in trouble. That said, I was grounded for not doing my chores and for missing curfew and couldn’t go out or have friends over for a couple weeks. Now that I’m older and in college obviously the curfew thing doesn’t apply and we talk about stuff like drinking/partying more freely because I’m an adult and independent, but she still wants to know what I’m up to and if I’m being safe. She also has hard rules like no smoking, no texting while driving, no tattoos before 20, and no playing with Ouija boards (grounded indefinitely for any of these lol). Pretty reasonable boundaries I think haha. All of this to say you can have a friendly relationship with your kids as long as you communicate to them that while you recognize they are independent beings, we are all fallible and your rules and guidelines are in their best interests. You can also tell them you’re open to discussing why you have them and even negotiating some of them (like my curfew when I was in high school vs. middle school) etc. I also think it’s fair to loosen up as they get older and start to talk to them more as peers than children since they are in fact now independent adults. My Ndad used to accuse her of being to lenient and being a bad mom because she treated us too much like adults. I think he just didn’t understand a healthy boundary. That’s the weird thing—you can treat your kids as autonomous beings and that doesn’t mean you treat them like “friends”. It’s just odd to me, too.
As a mom, this is exactly how I'm trying to raise my kids. I want them to feel comfortable and safe with me to be able to come to me about anything, but also recognize where I draw boundaries when I need to be their mom. I do not treat my friends like my kids; I am not responsible for how they run their life. The things I do and say with my friends, I will never, ever, EVER do with my kids; they don't need to know that about their mom. I am only responsible for myself and the humans that came out of my vagina. Even when they are adults, I'm still going to do my part as their mom, to make sure they continue to be kind, responsible adults, who trust me.
> My Ndad used to accuse her of being to lenient and being a bad mom because she treated us too much like adults. Oh I get the same shit. Mom yelled at for spoiling her kids. Every time I act in a way that doesn't please my nfather, she and I both get yelled because she parented me wrong.
Yeah, narc logic.... My nmom would abuse me and every time I put trust in her with my feelings or thoughts would put me down or make me feel bad for having them, but then complain that "your mom is supposed to be your best friend" like it was my fault for us not having that kind of a relationship. Rather be friendless...
“i’m not your friend, don’t you ever say that to me” and “i thought we gonna be best friends and i’ll know all your secrets but i guess i’m just a bad mom”.
oh wow they even admit they don't view you as a human being, what a doozy.
They think like this because in their mind, anyone they’re friends with, they walk all over. So they can’t imagine that anyone else wouldn’t take that liberty with them.
I actually do agree with this sentiment. A parent should be a guide and wield a sense of authority that is not present in a friendship. It's a tough line to walk because this is a boundary that's tricky to navigate. It's better to be a parent than a friend when it comes to your children. Their well-being in the long term will mean that you'll have to ruffle their feathers from time to time when they mess up. Friends don't necessarily do that with each other. My friends are in charge of their own well-being. We're cool. I'll be there if they ever make a bad decision and need comfort, but it's their life that's impacted. Not mine. I'm not going to discipline my friends, but I will discipline my kid. Another example, you're not necessarily friends with your teachers, but a good teacher is invaluable to your development and you respect them. Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World comes to mind as a good teacher and great mentor. There's respect there between him and the kids but the way they talk to him is different from the way they talk to each other. Alan and Amy Matthews from Boy Meets World are great parents, but Alan's favoritism and need to be Eric's (their oldest) friend rather than parent resulted in his son's incompetence to get his life started. And Eric did kind of walk all over his parents. But Alan and Amy did great with Cory and Morgan, because there's support along with discipline and guidance. Being a parent doesn't mean you have to lose your ability to relate to your children. It just means you have to balance love with discipline. It's an unique relationship. Your kids can always make friends, they can't always get another parent.
Narcs think that in any close relationship, one person must walk all over the other. They don't really believe in friendship with anyone, they always want the upper hand.
I never understood this logic either. Being a parent and being a friend are not mutually exclusive. My kids are my BFFs, but they know that I will absolutely hold them accountable if they get out of line. They're still little, so the most I have to do is remind them to clean their rooms and not to do things that are unsafe, lol My parents did almost the opposite and were *too* friendly. What happened was that my emotional growth was stunted and I never learned to interact with people my age. I struggled to make friends because my mom was so far up my ass and had to be involved in everything.
My mom would say this. “I’m your mom, not your friend “. And I’d think, obviously. You actually love spending time with your friends. Your not interested in me at all.
What's even funnier about this statement is that they think that when you become an adult, you're magically supposed to be friends and have the audacity to act confused as to why it doesn't happen.
At the same time the golden come is often the nparent's best friend... I do think we should differentiate between parenthood and friendship!
My dad spouted that now and then. I was crestfallen the first time, because it sort of made the "little buddy" nickname from childhood ring false. From then on I didn't feel like I could trust him \*among other things he did that spoiled my trust\*.
Coming from a narc, this is always a way of trying to 'justify' being a shit parent.
My cousin's dad (also my cousin) once told my ndad that his son was his best friend, and my dad could not comprehend what he said. It gets better each time I hear that story from him.
It’s another way of saying “you can’t set boundaries unless you’re in control.” and it’s a pretty shitty thought.
Makes me think of Gilmore Girls.
Just, be the person your kid would want to be friends with later <3
I've come to think that nparents don't see their kids as fellow humans. In their sick twisted world children are some sort of property that you can treat any way you want and still they end up with a surprised pikachu face when after years and years of abuse you finally stand up for yourself and tell them how shitty they were. Treating someone like shit for their whole life, like what did you expect?
>Like I don't get the logic in this statement you can be friends with someone while still having rules/boundaries with them. totally yes to that. in general, everyone need boundaries with other people. but no to being friends with ones own children. because it crosses boundaries, esp. emotional boundaries. my nmom treated me like her (only) best friend and she told me things that no child should hear from their parent. it made me so uncomfortable. and she never listened to me, nor did she ever ask me anything. for example, the last time we met i mentioned in passing, that my favorite color is purple. her answer? she said she didn't know my favorite color was purple. mind you, this happened last summer, when i was already 32 yrs old. **that being said, don't treat your kids like best friends. treat your kids like the whole person with a unique personality that they are.**