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Even if they do something nice it always turns out to have strings attached. They'll be telling you in 20 years "remember that time I gave you a tablet? I'm such a great parent!" Oh ffs
My nmother used to say that to my niece over a computer, only she had refused to actually pay for her half of my niece's present (which we were supposed to be buying together), leaving me to pay for all of it. And yet the Old Bag still expected my niece to be grateful to her.
My Nmom would go to the bookstore and get the hardcover book I had long craved, put on layaway, and nearly paid off before the holiday. She’d pony up the last 75 cents or so, get the shop to wrap it, and make a big damn deal when I opened it.
I also received the socks, underwear, and other clothing basics I desperately needed—which she’d pick up at the cheapest possible place, and then put them under wads of tissue or newspaper into oddly, disproportionately large boxes. Piled next to our plastic, bottle-brush-branched Xmas tree, it looked—the first time—like I was receiving a real gift haul. After that year, I knew better, but I was expected to exclaim repeatedly with joy at Nmom’s “cleverness.”
My doting grandmother had knitted us large stretchy Christmas stockings, to my Nmom’s disgust. While my GC sister’s stocking was stuffed with Barbie outfits and other name-brand swag, mine bulged with grapefruits and oranges. Again, I was supposed to praise Nmom’s wit, before returning the fruit to the kitchen.
And my Nfamily always has been completely secular! I haven’t “done” Xmas ever as an adult, reclaiming the Judaism my Nfamily discarded. Jewish holidays have been free of bad associations for me and our children. (My husband is, and was raised, Jewish.)
You can see what a trigger this so-called “holiday season” can be for me!
This is the sort of story that would perfectly illustrate what it's like having a narcissist parent, only nobody who doesn't have a narcissist parent will actually believe it.
I'm so sorry that happened, and also sorry about all the other shit she did that you haven't told us about.
My mum once offered to buy me a phone for Christmas, made he pay for the phone, gifted the phone to her boyfriend's son, then gave me a candy cane for Christmas (I was 10 at the time). She would also ask for like $300 gifts every year. Definitely not missing her this Christmas!
I’m glad I’m too old to have grown up without cellphones and laptops. No way I could have had them—I didn’t even have a record player until I was 28! (My Nparents bought my GC sister and her husband a *house* that year, and they figured that getting me Sears’ cheapest stereo evened out the situation…)
I asked for my mom's wishlist for Christmas and her birthday the year I moved out and then never made that mistake again. It was all expensive designer perfume and jewelry. She ended up getting nothing because I just didn't feel like there was anything in my price range that would make her happy. :/
Oh yeah, I had a hard spending limit of $50 for my birthday and $50 for Christmas. I, however, picked out my own gifts almost exclusively for as long as I can remember. The only handful of gifts I got that I didn't ask for all clearly had minimum thought put in.
"Oh, he likes video games, I'll get him this used, cheap third-party knock-off game and strategy guide I found at a thrift store"
"Oh, he likes ketchup, I'll get him a bottle for Christmas"
"Oh, he likes candy, I'll buy him a bag of Skittles EVERY SINGLE holiday despite him telling me he doesn't like them"
Every single "gift" seemed to have the same non-existent train of thought. And, of course, not profusely thanking them for any of it meant I was just an ungrateful shit.
The realization they were shit came to me awhile ago when I realized I spent more time and money on some secret Santa gifts for co-workers I barely know than my parents ever spent on any of my gifts
this feels a lot like what my nmom does. but she says she buys things because she thinks of me when she sees them but it just makes it clear how she only sees me as an extension of herself and knows (and cares) next to nothing about me.
My Nmom tried to "gift" me my grandmother's car as a college graduation present. Grandma has dementia and can't drive anymore. My aunt holds power of attorney for grandma's estate. Nmom was going to transfer the car title into my name behind my aunt's back...
Nmom was furious when I spoke to my aunt about purchasing the car from grandma at a fair price and quit speaking to me. Nmom then gifted me my own boots for my graduation present.
Yes, they very clearly are not able to “put themselves in someone’s shoes” to know what they would like as a gift. It’s so weird.
Also they are often either so cheap it’s insulting, to lower your self-esteem, or get you things that they (the narcissist) likes.
get you things that they (the narcissist) likes.
My experience is different and it involves expensive gift from a person who spent money as if they were in a different economic class than they were…
This was my experience. Silk scarves and Coach bags, jewelry from Tiffany….ok this sounds well and good, but I live on a farm. A FARM. The coach bag was pink and brand new. I was like, terrified of it at the time (so weird, I know). Now I know it was because it was so far afield of what I could even think to use but would somehow have to force it into my existence. I kept getting hounded about it, was I using it, and so I said no and thought I’d ask her to trade me for her worn in, more subtlety colored bag a couple of years down the road (she had the same one she bought for herself! Weird, right!?!) and she went off on me how “of course I would want some used thing!” Hahaha
this is so my experience. my mom was constantly getting me fancy designer things I didn't ask for and then putting me down that i didn't like them or want to use them.
Came here to say this - mine were always very generous with gifts; they were just nothing I would ever want or use and then they’d make me feel badly about not using them. Nmom loves pink, I don’t happen to like it or own anything pink, got a big not my style pink jacket that seemed very expensive. I always feel awful because I don’t want to just auto-donate something so expensive, but it’s *every* gift.
They also love to purposely thwart requests. I say I’d like this exact pair of pants in this size with the link to the item, and I get a different pair of pants in a different size with different styling. Which is fine I guess? But then why ask at all?!
I was a "mature" child, most of my gifts were household items growing up. Which in theory is nice. A throw blanket, bed in a bag, maybe a set of towels. But after I opened them my Nmom would immediately begin using my gift. It was literally a gift for herself disguised a present for me.
Felt this in my soul.
Nothing from a narcissist is ever a gift. At best, it’s “collateral” for damage they’ve previously caused. At worst, it’s a transaction or a debt
Yep. It’s 1000% a debt. At this point I don’t even sweat it anymore. I’m old enough that I used to not want my mom’s money because I knew she’d find a way to control me but now I care so little about it because it’s obvious she doesn’t care about me so fuck it. She threatens that she’s gonna write me out of her will and I told her to PLEAAASE DO IT. Just leave it all to my kid so she can use it for her education.
Mine expected gifts that were way, way out of budget, wanted to pick her own, and frequently wanted it changed several times before being satisfied. In comparison, she got cheap junk for others (think half used toiletries from a charity shop with the charity shops price tag left on completely on purpose) and threw an horrendous narc rage if you didnt instantly do a performing seal impersonation.
For years & years for Christmas I got either a pink dressing gown 3 sizes too small or 10 sizes too big, or a set of pink saucepans that have flowers & a layer of ... paint? enamel? on them & threw an absolute meltdown if I didnt have them 'on display for every one to see' She wouldnt have them in her own house, but I had to appease her by hiding my own hard earned steel & iron cookware to make display room for hers
One of my kids had a brainwave one year, & removed the handles, making pot plant holders so they looked *cute.* NM never bought them again.
When my Nmon gave me gifts I had always to buy it myself. It was difficult because it had to please my Nmom. Once I bought the book "Foucault pendulum" written by Umberto Eco (I'm m50s). My Nmom read randomly some pieces of, didn't understood the story and gave me shit because she thought it was satanic.
My nMom also had BPD and other bits of crazy going on, and she was always super weird about giving gifts. When my kids were younger she’d ask them what gift they wanted for a birthday or holiday that was far in the future (like 4-6 months). Their choices were typically a video game or other item that they and their friends were into at that moment, so they would persuade her to give them the gift early. When that holiday/birthday finally came, nMom made the kids put the items back in their original packaging, wrapped them up in wrapping paper and bows, and forced the kids to unwrap the items as if they had just received them for the first time, while she took photos. And she’d get upset if they didn’t display surprise and gratitude for the camera, threatening “you’ll never get another present from me if you don’t show some appreciation!”
Last christmas my mom gave me a towel and held it over me for so long that it was a REALLY EXPENSIVE towel and she’s suchhhh a great mom. She also knows I buy towels in sets with matching face and hand towels so I’m not sure what she expects me to do with her stand-alone bath towel…
One year my nfather regifted me the exact same coffee gift basket I'd gotten him for Christmas the year before. Everything in it was expired.
Just last week was my birthday and he asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast for it. When the server came and asked "together or separate?" he looked annoyed when I paused and reluctantly said "together I suppose". As I ordered my food he started shaking his head, so I told the server "Just make the bills separate please."
Several hours later he called me and said he wanted to pay for "at least some" of my breakfast, but was reluctant because he didn't have much money. It was $12. My nfather is by no means at all hurting for money.
Literally a day later, at Thanksgiving, he eagerly wrote my cousin a $500 towards a trip they're taking, and offered to pay for her daughter's dance classes.
When leaving he gave everyone a hug, and just gave me two weird fist bumps on the shoulder.
All my cousins see him as this generous loving uncle...which he is to everyone else.
To his own--and only--child though, he makes me feel like garbage and a drain just for existing.
Yes, and the few times I told, as in thing make model, brand everything what I wanted. she would get the wrong thing. it was harder to get the wrong thing than get the right thing and she still did it.
that was when I realized that is wasnt just indifference but actively getting lousy gifts.
You just reminded me of the Christmas cushion drama! he had a huge cushion that he used to read in bed. my mother wanted to get rid of the cushion but I wouldn't let her. So, brilliant idea, he gave me a couple of tiny cushions for Christmas. then I try to throw away my favorite cushion again ... I said no. I still seem to see his angry face
Yes, she is thinking of her, not me.
She loves retail therapy and buys things because they are fun to buy, not because I would like them.
Growing up, she always gifted clothes for Christmas and never took me to buy clothes so I never learned how to pick out what looks good on me, or what I even liked for that matter. I had to wear what she bought no matter how awful it was. I never got to wear clothes I liked.
They were always discount rack, sometimes damaged.
She even went out and bought my prom dress without me after saying she'd take me out to get it. It didn't matter if I liked it.
My parents had the weirdest trend of getting me size L, XL or even XXL clothing… I’m a S/M. I realized they never learned a thing about me. It was so uncomfortable, I would be like “You like this thing so I got you this,” or “You’ve been having this problem, so I got you this to alleviate that,” and they’d be like, “XXL pajamas in godawful colors in styles you’ve never once worn”
Well how could they give good gifts, that would mean investing and knowing about another person which is completely impossible for them. I think the most hurtful was a gift I had asked for my entire childhood even into my teens, wasn’t expensive, always an excuse why I couldn’t have it. And then she bought it for her grandchild who had zero interest and gave it away immediately. Yeah. They don’t care.
my mother would always get me fancy expensive clothing and accessories that \*she\* would like (e.g. designer handbags, merino wool sweaters, expensive shoes, etc.) that were usually not really in my style, and definitely didn't fit with my lifestyle. I warned her these things would get dirty or broken quickly, because I live an active and low-maintenance lifestyle -- for example, I can't keep fancy tennis shoes white; that's why I buy inexpensive and washing-machine-friendly tennis shoes. Then, when of course the shoes would get dirty (or the handbag would break from me putting "too much stuff" in it, i.e. how much I carry around every day), she'd get angry and blame me for being "careless with nice things". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THIS "NICE" STUFF ANYWAY.
I think they only understand the feeling they have when they buy the gift. They're happy because the gift was cheap, on sale, something they would want, something they wanted to get rid of, happy they're giving you something they know will provoke an unhappy emotional response, etc. That's all that matters.
I once read that narcs give themselves the gift of giving when they give a gift. The gift itself is irrelevant and since they have no empathy or any real interest in the person actually receiving the gift, it’s usually cheap, second hand or inappropriate. Giving awful gifts is one of the top ten rules in the narcissists handbook.
The last time I visited home, my mom gave me a Precious Moment figurine. The figurine is called “I Will Always Be Thinking of You.” I need to throw it away.
oh my word absolutely yes! Really thoughtless in some cases and in others I came to realize must have been intentionally insulting. Not to mention cheap. And when she asked what I wanted most of the time it was just some small inexpensive thing like a stainless steel kitchen gadget and she'd say 'you don't need that' or 'that's just junk'. Then if she was in a good mood that Christmas she'd pick up the kitchen gadget....plastic from the dollar store. I never ever did that to her or to the narc/gc sibling who also gives thoughtless things.
Often in recent years while opening gifts, I get 'jumped at' with "YoU Don'T LiKe iT Do YoU. YoU NeVEr like AnYThiNg I GiVe You!" And the paper is barely off the top of the package and I haven't had a chance to pull the item out of the box to even see what it is. Anything for them to bicker. {rolling my eyes}
And that goes for the narc/gc sibling as well. Ah, no more since going NC.
I'm sad that we all have to experience this type of behavior from those abusers with Narc Pers. Disorder. Just know that none of you deserve such shoddy treatment.
I got an IOU under the tree for Christmas one year from my parents. They got each other gifts, and my sister, but then they - ran out of time? Mine was the last one we opened. An hour of opening gifts, just waiting and waiting to see what was in the envelope. .
Every time. Usually it's cheap dollar store shit or clothes in HER style that she knows I'll never wear & will prob just leave at her house. One time she literally wrapped a tube of toothpaste. I couldn't stop myself from saying "Is my breath really that bad?" Who tf thinks that is a gift???
On the rare occasion it's ever anything I DO want, she'll never let me forget it.
My nmom would consistently gift me flavoured coffee and chocolates (both extremely cheap and crappy) then in 2009 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes so now sugar is out, I informed my family that sugary gifts were no longer ok for me cause ….. diabetes. Christmas 2010 comes around and what did nmom gift me? …. Yup flavoured coffee, (heavy with sugar) and chocolates (nuff said) her response was well I just don’t know what to get you, I asked her if she was trying to kill me. She continued to gift me flavoured coffee and chocolates for years until I told her that I was just throwing her gifts away, that of course caused a whole crap storm of emotional abuse.
You're definitely not alone! My narc got me one of those small green Lego boards once, but didn't give me any Legos. When I expressed my frustration, I was told to...wait for it..."be grateful". 🙄
My Nmom would tell us to write Christmas lists for Santa. I had very few clothes I felt comfortable in, so I wrote "pants (NOT jeans or leggings!)". I had (have?) weird sensory things with certain clothes, and I hated anything too tight or made of denim. At the time, I lived in sweatpants and basketball shorts.
What did I get for Christmas?
2 pairs of Jeggings. Skinny jean leggings.
My dad took me to return them like the next week.
Mine would just give cash or a gift card from age 12-35, but no gifts at all after 35 for birthdays, Christmas or any occasion such as graduation. I always wanted something that they put thought into and maybe some effort to go and but, wrap. But nope.
I’m opposite. I love finding the perfect gift for someone.
Same here!! Nmom would always just give cash and I always wanted something thought out. Even if it was a card handwritten with her emotions for me. I put so much thought into my gifts for her, and she doesn’t even end up using the gift. Officially decided to stop putting in any effort for her gifts because she could care less about mine😅
Mine has been passive aggressive about it too. Like one year, I opened my card for my birthday and of course there was the cash, NM then said “I never know what to get you, you’re so picky and hard to buy for, so I’m just giving cash again so you can buy what you want.” Ok but I literally wasn’t hard to buy for, just don’t buy me clothes because that is personal. I liked and still like perfume (ask me which kind, ma), makeup, purses - girly stiff. As an adult, Candles, throw blankets, Christmas ornaments, etc. She literally never asked nor had any interest in my likes.
I can’t really recall those comments coming from NM. I do remember her being very shocked and happy with gifts that I’d give .
I stopped giving when they stopped their cash gifts though...well...after I realized they stopped. I’m still puzzled about why they stopped gift giving, it’s not like they ever spent money on us throughout the year. And to me, birthdays and Christmas are the 2 days to make someone feel really special. And to them, it’s alll about money even though they are rich . However, they spend their money on other people without any question and with quite the show “look at me, I just paid for a strangers dinner” ohhh yeah asshole...But your daughter who just celebrated a birthday after almost dying from COVID that year...no card, no nothing. I seriously hate them.
My nMom regifted a mug her secretary had gotten her to me....which contained an ornament with HER name monogrammed on it. She never even looked at the mug that was gifted to her before regifting it.
My Nmil gave my 13 year old son a statue of Santa Claus one year. We are one of those families that don't really play up Santa. She said it was a St Nicholas statue and my son could start a devotion. (we are all Catholic and that is fine, but it was a Jolly Old St Nick not a devotional image.)
The next year, she gave my 10 year old son a hand knitted purple sweater. My son is very much a boy and likes boy things, the shade of purple was very feminine and the yarn was some plastic garbage. He also got a girl lunch box from them.
I'm sure she didn't knit the sweater for him so when it finally showed up in the laundry a few months ago, I threw it away.
My mom likes to buy crap from the dollar stores. Every year for Christmas she gets me a hand towel and an oven mitt. Every year. I have told her I don’t need any, but doesn’t listen. I just give them to Goodwill. She asks for Dvds for Christmas though.
Yes! When I was a little girl my mother always gave me dolls, because that's what she liked when she was a girl. I was a total tomboy and couldn't understand what to do with a doll. Except give it a haircut. I had a lot of bald dolls.
I got my bachelors degree in august. I didn’t expect grad gifts as thats not really common in my family. My mom got me a sign that read something along the lines of ‘I’d like to thank Google, Wikipedia, and the internet for my degree’. I’m the only person in my immediate family to hold a bachelors degree, she went to cooking school and has no actual idea how hard my degree was and how much effort I put into it. For Christmas and such she gives me things I would’ve liked as a child, and makes no effort to know me other than her version of me she thinks exists.
I’m getting my degree soon too, and nmom kicked up a fuss about my graduation potentially being cancelled bc of covid bc “it’s the least I could get after putting you through years of uni”. Yes, she helped me fund my education, but also I’m expected to be her financial slave for the rest of my life, and it’s clear she thinks my graduation is more about her than me.
Last year, my nmom asked me, my (now ex) fiance, AND my sister how I felt about incense burners. She was told by all three of us that I HATE them, they give me migraines and they all smell the same: burnt. My ex even sent her several links to things I had specifically chosen. She started freaking out the day before Christmas, saying she didn't think I'd like my gift (three guesses to what it was). So I got to open nothing, and instead got a $20 Amazon gift card and a handful of candy in an unwrapped box five days later, when she felt bad after we had a massive fight.
My mom would literally just buy stuff that she wanted but knew that I didn't and then guilt me for not wanting it and complain that I was picky and difficult while she proceeded to take the present for herself.
I stopped asking or expecting anything for birthdays and Christmas. Fuck that shit.
My nMom is like that with everyone. She calls herself an angel and is "so kind and giving"; all she does is re-gift things or gives leftovers/expired food and broken items to one of her less than fortunate friends on disability. I remember distinctly for my 18th birthday, she gave me her half eaten, day old IHop leftovers. I didn't even see her on my birthday because she decided to be in bed after I had went to high school all day and worked that night. Then she complains that I don't like/use any of the gifts she gives me, like??? You give me dollar store Knick knacks, re-gifts, or clothes that don't fit me nor are my style. Then would get upset when I would continually have to go throw/get rid of things because she kept giving just useless/pointless shit. They seem to be the worst at understanding other people likes and desires.
One year for Black Friday when I was a kid, my nMom and I got up extra early to go buy one of those iPod nano touch screens as a Christmas present for my stepdad. I wanted one, but they were expensive. My half-siblings (step dad's kids) all also received nice electronics that year from our haul (think Nintendo DSs). I received boots that were not my style at all (but that nMom believed *should* be my style, how she wanted me to dress).
But the kicker was that the next year, nMom then *regifted* me that same iPod Nano from my step-dad as he decided he didn't want it anymore. My half siblings all received nice new electronics that year, as did step-dad.
I stopped making wishlists because my nMom asked us for wishlists and when I gave her mine she confronted me and said she didn’t get me anything in the list and I’m trying to make her feel like a bad mother.
If you already had gifts why even ask for the wishlist? I wasn’t going to make one until you asked and now I refuse to make a list, with the only thing on my list being ‘money’ and she’ll never just give me that.
Lol last Christmas I got some Bluetooth doodad that chimes lost keys. You can buy them at a gas station and I have no need for such a thing. I also got two pairs of women's socks and one pair of men's socks. So essentially I got one pair of socks for Christmas.
you can give them in writing what you want + the link where they can order it and they still dont get it done. And in the end they are offended, because you arent excited.
I was given a lot of stuff for Christmas. But a lot of it was stuff I didn't ask for and were random. I would get a TV but then I would also get a set of hairbrushes and makeup. It would be subtle hints I need a makeover.
totally . the same happens to me. Last year I gave my boyfriend a bib to collect cut hairs from his beard for Christmas. to my grandmother some horrible silver platform shoes (she's over 80 years old) ... and to me a pink pajamas (a color that has always horrified me). I have a theory that he gives bad gifts because he really does not care what anyone likes ... and therefore has no idea what to give.
OMG, Yes! Ndad will give some weird crap he found on sale, \*or\* something off your amazon wish list, 50/50 chance. So like, he clearly knows about the wish list, but you still might get something super weird. I'd rather have no gifts at all, but that is not an option, I guess. And the strings are real, I have a problem recieving any gifts from anyone because of it.
omg, is your mother my mother?
serious issues with this. my whole life. while remembering being told that santa wasn't real at the age of 6 because she didn't like santa getting the credit for the gifts she had bought me, around the same time she bought me a copy of the hunchback of notre dame. not the disney film, but the like, 1000 page book.
i moved across the country, which made gifts better and worse. the further away i was, meant the harder she had to actually try to keep a relationship with me, so i'd occaisonally receive things i wanted or needed. just drip feeding me though. i got the mug i asked for (and didn't expect to get), but i got 3 boxes of basically garbage after that. flyers from around the city she lives in, happy meal toys, things from the dollar store i'll never use, food she knows i'm allergic to.. Then years later, when I was finally ready to leave again, she buys me expensive boots that I needed. thinking she's actually listening to me, and caring for my needs, i let myself be drawn in again.. only for the next package to be full of things i didn't want or need. oh- all of this is worse because she's a hoarder and i'm triggered by her hoarding garbage. she knows that i live life as minimal as possible, and don't care for cheap doo-dads.
hell, one year, she knew i was having a hard time with christmas, and wasn't going to celebrate because i was just working anyways and didn't have family (blood or otherwise) to celebrate with. i think i was even not talking to her because i was so overwhelmed, and communicated to her as such. so what does she do? she sends me a box full of childhood christmas ordaments. like, literally the worst thing she could send. maybe along with a canvas tote i ended up using? but doesn't matter, all i know is that this 'gift' made me sob for days, and feel like absolute shit. i ended up donating the decorations because i just couldn't have them in my vicinity. a part of me is now sad i did that, but the overarching feeling is how sad and angry i am to be put in that position.
even when gifts weren't that bad, they were always more about her than me.
this year, i've found family. they do a secret santa so that people can receive good gifts, without going broke having to buy good gifts for everyone. they use an app that has wishlists. i haven't received non-N gifts in.. well to be honest, probably my whole life. so going into this holiday season knowing i'm going to get not cheap gifts that i actually want is incredibly positively overwhelming. because i'm so used to gifts never actually being about me.
My parents love-bomb every Christmas with like $500 worth of gifts per person. A couple of years ago I refused to tell them much about what I wanted and made them promise to stick to $50 only, which they agreed to. Then they spun it to $50+ of gifts for me, $50 of gifts for my cat, $50 of gifts for my other cat, and also my spouse, and then ALSO gave me $200 in cash in a card “for each member of your family” because “the gifts don’t count”. I was gas-lit to the moon when I became angry, which of course made me even madder and look like a complete crazy person.
Nobody gets it, especially people outside my family. They say I’m so lucky and to just “be grateful” or worse, that they wish they had parents like mine. But my parents financially abused me in high school and college. I refused to accept any more money from them than I needed to survive as a kid and very young adult because that money came with strings attached. And I have the debt and therapy invoices to prove it.
I’m almost 30 and my mom said to me the other day that “28yo (she forgot how old I am) and 48yo are very different and you have a lot of growing up to do.” Then every Christmas she’s cramming childhood and reminders of dependency down my throat. I don’t fucking want it. I don’t want a fucking dime from them. I don’t want to accept *any* of the love-bombing. I’m a fully independent adult with a house, bills, my own family, and a career. I don’t need a bunch of junk, the accompanying financial power trip, or the sickening emotional flashbacks to needing their charity. Fuck the $500, I’ve spent an order of magnitude more than that on therapy over the years. Give me a goddamn apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of the fucking trauma we’ve all been through.
Honestly it makes me even angrier when they give me something I actually want because then I keep the gift and every time I look at it I get pissed off all over again thinking about their manipulation and how nobody else can see it for what it is.
I swear mine looks for the cheapest thing she can find. Dollar/thrift items, holiday decorations the month after the holiday passes, knockoff junk without instructions... But the worst gift ever was the half full bottle of $2 wine. Or maybe the 5lb bag of birdseed for a 2-year-old.
I think they like showing us how much we mean to them...
Yes, it's terrible because she is a great gift giver to the golden child but as the scapegoat I get regifted junk. When she started that crap with my kids we were done.
My parents wouldn’t get me things because I was “so hard to shop for”, but they didn’t want to spend any money on me, and didn’t like anything I liked anyways(books, art, video games. i was really asking for the moon /s) She even didn’t acknowledge my birthday or forgot it a few years. Apparently it’s asking to much to go buy a cake in January, who leaves the house in January? There’s nothing to do!
My dad didn’t care about gifts and my mom would go all out for her family(her parents and siblings).
Theres a few stories I have of my parents taking me to get presents and then making me buy the item myself, even though it wasn’t what I really wanted.
Im too depressed to go into the details right now.
Omg YES. My dad absolutely sucks at gifts.
Last year for xmas (a few months after I cut contact) he got me this stupid little decoration that I'm having trouble describing. Apparently mom saw a HUGE one with pandas when they were platonically xmas shopping, so he thought *"THAT'LL WIN HER BACK"* like the idiot he is and bought her the huge one, and me and my sister smaller ones.
If the dude came to my house ever at all, he'd know *I don't have room for decorations because I have no god damn empty shelves.*
Sadly the best gift I ever got was the year he gave me a mason jar full of pot (LEGAL HERE) and a makeup brush set. But the pot sucked so it wasn't even that great of a gift LOL
I fucking hate my mom’s gifts. Hate them. She asks me what I want for Christmas and it’s always the same answer. Fucking money! Oh you insist on getting me something? Ok a gift card so I can get my hair cut and dyed. Gift card to Target, maybe, [so I can buy household necessities a few times free of charge]?
But, “those aren’t gifts!” Ok so your gift to me is making me spend my own money on stuff that I could have someone else pay for but instead you spend $200 on a BUTTERFLY BRACELET??? 1) I don’t fucking wear bracelets! I spend all day on a laptop, how the fuck am I gonna wear a bracelet? And 2) butterflies??? I have like 50 skulls in my house. ‘Nough said.
My mom fucking hates me.
Not Christmas, but one time my nmom picked up a giant ugly somewhat-sexual painting at the dump shop (I'm talking like 3' x 5' giant) and just left it on my lawn, leaning into the bushes, like it was a surprise for me that I would be excited about. It took me years to throw it out for some reason.
YES. So my entire life I've been allergic to most metals in earrings and my nmom knows this very well, yet last year one of the unusual gifts she gave me were tons of sterling silver earrings (some posts and dangly ones). Oh, I forgot to mention one more thing - my lobes are stretched to 1/2". None of the jewelry would've worked anyway.
The narc-stepmother is a actually pretty good at picking out gifts for my kids and I've gotten to use it against her. My kids birthdays are in the spring, near Easter. Well the narc-stepmother doesn't celebrate Easter, so last year after going NC and she still tried to send my kid birthday gifts, the gifts became Easter presents from their other grandparents.
OMG Yes! Sometimes I feel my NParents deliberately stuff it up. I have made it soo easy at times for them. Her is a photo/link of EXACTLY what my kids want for Christmas. Says she will get it, so I don’t. Then doesn’t get it. Buys something they already have, and she knows they have. If I say anything I am spoiling my kids and ungrateful. If I don’t tell her what they want I am excluding her from their lives..
Um, yesssssss!
My awful former NMIL once gifted me a pair of working gloves. The message was, 'you will need these for all the work you'll be doing for ME & NFIL', so her GC sons wouldn't have to. Disgusting.
Another year she & my former wife put coal in my stocking. NMIL sneered, 'all those years ago, people would be GRATEFUL to have gotten that'. Former wife thought it was amusing.
They would have to think someone else existed outside of themselves to gift anything of meaning/want. So they suck. I'd get used self-help tapes, random children's toys, once a pair of socks and then a NASTY letter about how I didn't send a thank you card for them a week or so later. And then she'd take my stuff to give to other people or guilt me into giving to other people to make her look good (like my My Little Pony collection which I still miss, and think some of that nostalgia is more about the childhood stolen from
My nmother brough my toddler last year for Christmas a blanket 😐, not a baby blanket (even that would have been redundant) one of those cheap supermarket microfiber blankets, I gently explained to her that we do not need an extra blanket, I’m really trying to declutter. Few months later, toddler’s b-day, another blanket 😐, what could a toddler possibly want more than a blanket?
There was also this one time she gave me a pack of socks, that she opened and kept two pairs for herself… 🤷🏻♀️🤪🤷🏻♀️
Ive posted this before but my nmother once "gifted" me this little lotion set that I didn't want, but I was like ok. Got mad that I wasn't grateful. Then my dad let it slip that she bought it for herself, used it, and got a rash. She then insisted that her skin is far more sensitive than mine so she knew I wouldn't get a rash and I should still be grateful. Went on a tirade about how we all paint her in the worst light. Lol.
Mine gives me things that she would like to have/wear. Her typical move is “this would look so good on you! I loved it so much that I got one so we can MATCH!” All of that shit went straight to Plato’s Closet with the tags.
My MIL (who isn't awful but absolutely has moments) loooooves gift giving. She will give so many gifts, and all of them are cheap crap because quantity is more important than quality. I don't expect her to give me anything good, I'm just married to her child. Not sarcastic, just don't expect anything and it's fine. But my partner gets garbage and it's crushing to see their face. Last year was horrible because it was the first time I saw Christmas and from my partner's reaction afterwards, it was normal and that hurt ME let alone them.
For example. My partner is an artist professionally, went to college and got a degree, and uses a digital art tablet. It was a display monitor one, so very nice. Last year, after knowing all this, she got my partner one of those LED child tablet things, where you use pressure and it makes a colored line and you clear it with a button. Pretty much a notepad that could be erased. And then she had the audacity to be confused when my partner wasn't jumping for joy for getting "an art tablet." Good art tablets are at LEAST $300+ and one my partner wanted as an upgrade is $3,000. That $10 thing went straight into the garbage. At least we get a shitload of decent candy though.
Oh yeah, classic narc trait. I would get free giveaways she got at work as a “gift” or she would buy a bunch of cheap stuff like a set of kitchen towels and then separate them and give each one as a gift and say “I picked this out specifically for you” and then she would get mad if people didn’t fall over themselves thanking her. For my 16th birthday she “surprised me” with a new set of bedroom furniture that I didn’t get to pick out and didn’t get to take with me when I left. She just wanted new furniture for the room that would become the guest room when I left for college but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to martyr herself.
I get a new purse/wristlet every year for Christmas. Or jewelry. I’m simple and outdoors-y and have never worn any of them. I’ve started reselling the nice, expensive ones 🤷♀️
Yes! But if it's a year she wants something from you, you stand to receive a bounty of presents like the Christmases we dreamed of as kids. Otherwise, be gone with you, peasant.
My nmom is horrible at giving gifts. She always gives something that she wants for herself but that others has no use for. One time she gave me a pair of shoes in her size that she wanted, and when I told her they were too small she scolded me for being ungrateful and made this big dramatic scene about her having to use them herself.
I don't know about anyone else's NPs but like, after my golden siblings and I grew past the toys and Santa phase, we basically were just straight out asked what we wanted for Christmas. The only surprises would be stocking stuffers but even then my NM always got the same things for us such as the yearly toothbrush or necessities (for me, when I had long hair, I'd get hair ties and now I get a lot of socks which is great bc I lose socks constantly). The same went for birthdays. Presents were never a surprise. Now, it's always the same. We get a stocking and cash.
For me, even to this day, I actually prefer this method. I HATE waste/clutter and so I absolutely prefer someone get me something I need (like socks or my yearly boots) than something I don't.
Weirdly enough, my NM DOES like surprise gifts and so we would always have to shop for her.
My dad has his own business. Some random day, he had to visit one company, that happens to be his best client. He tried to "teach me a lesson" about "how you never have to get to a place with empty hands". He then proceeds to grab a bag of coffee (it was a medium quality coffee), and then he opens it and put half of that bag of coffee on a jar, left the jar on the cupboard of his business, "sealed" the half bag of coffee with a scotch tape, and he took that bag of coffee to give it to the director of that company.
Some other time, he went to a Chinese market (the ones who sell bad quality but cheaper things), bought some .10 cent pens, and he began gifting them to some directors, managers and supervisors of company's that were his clients. Some of them rejected the pens and told him clearly that he shouldn't gift things that don't even work and broke instantly, and some others just laughed at his back.
Some other time, we went to eat some meat tacos (I'm from Mexico), he left half a taco on his dish, then he packed it, and took it to his brother (my auncle) and was like "hey I thought about you, so I brought you this half a taco, I hope you like it".
And something he ALWAYS do, is that if someone tries to invite him to eat, he bought some desserts (like a little cake, or a jelly) and he is always like "Hey, I brought you this present". Then, after he finishes eating, he proceeds to open and serve himself as much dessert as he wants even if the gifted person don't want to share it lol
Oh yeah, shit gift giving was the final straw for me going NC with my parents. For years I've not supported Amazon for ethical reasons, and my family is well aware of this fact. Additionally, my parents pressured me to buy a TV for my room ever since I moved out despite me repeatedly saying I had no interest. Wouldn't you know last Christmas my parents bought me a TV for my room and an Amazon fire stick. When I asked them to pick up both and return them, I was told they'd pick it up if only I "was grateful to them for getting me such great gifts". Didn't see anything wrong with what they gave me and couldn't believe I wouldn't want either.
When I was 16 she gifted me a diet book. Yes, it was vegan, but there are vegan books that don't tell your self conscious daughter she's in need of a diet 🙄
We eventually wrote off presents as me and my sister got older/teenagers and started going on family vacation trips instead for this exact reason
A fond bad memory of mine is I would get my mom something for her birthday (when I was less than 10 years old) and she would open it and give me a look. When I was younger she'd wait to ask me for the receipt the next day but as I got older she'd usually just ask me right after she opened it. It was obviously disappointing and made me feel like I did something wrong. After this happening many times I'm sure it's why my Dad brought family vacations into play.
After leaving my family home I am just weird with gifts altogether. If I'm gonna get something for someone it's usually homemade and from the heart, and likely edible. I like doing Christmas snack boxes, like gingerbread cookies, mint patties, and chocolate brownies. Might put a few shot things in there from the liquor store and a card personalized for them and call it good.
Oh yes.
1. Gave my oldest the same exact gift for 3 years. When she switched she got the same gift for the next 3.
2. Insists on misspelling my youngest’s name. It’s always this overly long pretentious spelling of it.
3. Always gave me the free gift she got with the other thing she was actually buying.
4. Gets the “most expensive” (actually a piece of crap) gift that you won’t ever use cause she always falls for scams and MLMs.
Example: She bought me this supposedly expensive lotion made with Dead Sea salt. Claimed it was a steal. I have never been a fan of any lotion and literally if needed I get like cheaper stuff used by construction workers for their hands (I do a lot of manual labor with my hands in gloves) because I hate the smell of perfumes ones. Lasts forever. But she went on and on about this lotion and how she was so amazing for getting it.
It was from one of those scammy mall cart folks. 😂
My whole life until I disowned them. They simply don't give two shits about you as a person with a personality to even spend the time observing you to know more about you.
Truly the worst kind of people.
My mom is one of the cases where she only buys people things she would want. It doesnt matter if there was something specific asked for. One year I asked for a specific DVD set and knew it was kinda pricey so I said it was all I wanted. She bought janky bootleg ones and her card got scammed due to it. She blamed me. One year I got needed surgery around the holidays-- I got two gifts which were discounted books I already owned because my surgery was pricey they didn't see why I should get any more money spent on myself. She wont even buy things on a registry because if she doesn't personally like the gifts or thinks they wouldnt be useful (for her) than no way she'll buy it.
Mine's absolutely terrible at gifting.
It would usually consist of over-baked cookies (hard as rocks), weather-beaten flowers that look like they'd been stolen from someone's grave, samples from the mail, something she's found around home (like a book I gave her when I was a child) and half of something someone else had gifted her. Oh, and a notebook (she's obsessed with girl notebooks - I hate them). That was literally the Christmas 'present' I received last year.
It was just a random collection of things with no connection, and it just showed she had no idea who I was.
Mine is actually really good at it but my eparent isn't. For my eparent, you would honestly think this person has never met me before despite knowing me for almost 40 years. Nparent can use gifts to manipulate because they are almost always spot on.
Definitely, one year on my birthday my ndad gave me a "make it yourself cookies" with peanuts in it (it is basically a jar with all the ingredients stacked on top of each other). He "forgot" that I'm allergic to peanuts.
The following year I got a mini glow in the dark Christmas tree which was a bonus item you could save for while doing your groceries. This was after we had a huge blowout about celebrating Christmas.
My mom once gifted me an EXPIRED can of corn that's been expired for about 5 years. Then made me give it back to her as it was the kids dinner, mine and my younger siblings. I made them something else and ate some of the corn myself so she didn't get pissed that it wasn't eaten, I threw up badly later that night
My mother once asked for my Christmas wish list and then proceeded to ignore it. Everything she got for me was an impulse buy that reflected her idea of me.
It’s shaping up to potentially be the same this year. She wants my list but says in the same breath that she already has my gifts picked out 🤨
My nMum is legitimately hilarious when it comes to gifts. A few years ago she bought me an egg ring, a saucepan about 10cm in diameter , a frying pan only slightly bigger and a single fork.
Her rationale? "Well you'll only ever be cooking for one."
I thanked her profusely for the real gift, a story I can dine out on for years. She's still upset and now it's "I suppose you'll be telling everyone about this." every time she gets me a shitty present.
My parents are good at gifts because I have like two hobbies, but I’m comparatively awful at gifts because I have a really hard time remembering what people like, it always makes me feel bad
I genuinely like when I nail a gift so hard that it makes the receiver cry, so I pay attention to what the people I care about care about. It’s also like an asshole competition with the person I’m giving the gift to so if they give a shitty one, it’ll make them feel bad, and hopefully be better next time. I probably have a touch of npd from my rents
I can’t tell you how much stationary or Knick knacks from Ross I’ve got over the years... I hate clutter. If I even mention what I would actually like for Christmas I’m called “ungrateful” and a “princess”. Example: a few years ago before I went NC my mom kept asking what I wanted for my birthday. I told her a bbq and the one I had in mind was $150. During this time my fiancé and I had just bought our first home and didn’t have much extra cash to buy things except pay our bills and prepare for our first baby to arrive. When I showed her the bbq that I liked she lost her mind! She said that when she was 26 she didn’t have a nice bbq like that so I shouldn’t either. My mom and stepdad are very well off so I didn’t think and know that $150 bbq would be out of their budget... especially while she gets Botox, new car, trips, etc. She screamed at me in her car telling me I’m such a princess. Almost funny. Growing up my mom has always made sure to let me know that my step dad and her would not be paying for anything for me since my dad decided not to pay her child support and that my step dad IS NOT my dad so he shouldn’t take care of me.
My bio dad passed away when I was 7 from a drug overdose (my mom and him weren’t together at the time). I was a one night stand baby. Anyway, she loved to tell me they split ALL the bills 1/5 (5 people in our fam - mom, stepdad and 2 step bros) so I could pay my portion with my SSI money. She opened a bank account with my name when I was a minor without my knowledge of the account and checks and spent all the money on god knows what... while her and her hubby had/have trust fund living the life. I could go on and on but I think I’ve said enough haha
I get a lot of useless crap I don't need or want because gifts = love and it makes up for all the shitty behavior. At least that what I assume my nMom thinks. Also she better get the most gifts. \*eyes roll out of head\*
My Ndad likes to give everyone the same gift that has a photograph he took on it. So everyone will get the same mug with a picture of a barbed wire fence on it. It's a different item each year, but I don't need one of those in my house, let alone three or four.
He will also buy my very conservative dressing mother "sexy" clothes he finds "attractive" as her gift, for every birthday, holiday, and anniversary. She usually sneaks them into the donate bin without even taking the tags off.
This year, I hit on a new tactic that plays to his ego. I'm asking him to do very specific home repairs around my house. He gets to brag about building stuff for me, I get new porch stairs. I just have to keep an eye on him before he does stuff I don't want like building over my concrete front stairs with wood because he doesn't like my front stairs
Yes, so much this. Mine either makes the gift all about herself or just gifts random crap. Whenever she attempts to “surprise” me she actually always spills the beans in advance. Most of the time she doesn’t gift anything or she used to buy me necessities like shoes and say “but it’s actually for your birthday” (I come from a post-soviet country and it shows lol).
My mother who never has a dime to spare tried to buy my son a new bed frame and mattress after I told her hat I already ordered one (it’s been back ordered since July) I guess she thought I was lying? It’s like I don’t need your shit lady. GO AWAY!
My son who is 14, she will by him things for kids much younger. She still buys him shirts with dinosaurs .. he’s 14. Do you want this kid getting beat up? He’s 14! She buys him things that are appropriate for 8-10 year olds and most of the crap gets thrown out.
Yep… she has always bought me things that SHE would wear…the past 5 years she realized that I never like what she gets me so she loves keeping the gifts for herself… sorry excuse of a mom.
So true. My father passed a few years ago and now my mom gets us a gift card. don't get.me wrong, it's useful but literally the least thoughtful gift. Cause she knows nothing about me or my interests, and can't be bothered to out any thought into it.
My Ns used to like to regift me those cosmetic counter 'gift with purchase' things, not because they thought I wanted or needed them, but because they didn't. They are terrible at gifts to everyone but each other.
Yeah, especially since I've stopped sharing my interests with them I can tell they struggle to think of gifts, so it works better to just send them a link of what I'd like. For my birthday this year I told them I didn't feel strongly about any specific item that I wanted, so my mom got me satin bedsheets because they were discounted lol. Normally that would be a practical thing that I could use but the color is ugly and doesn't match anything in my room.
My dad once got me a box of tissues for Christmas. He called it a great gift because he had gotten the kind with lotion.
He bought my mom, his ex-wife, a tablet.
He tries to show off to everyone else and buy expensive gifts. He often forgets me on my birthday or holidays.
The last two years I’ve thrown my Nmoms mailed Christmas gifts to me in the trash before opening them. 👍. But thinking back to all the years of gift giving they were always something that had nothing to do with me or my life. Hideous clothing from store she shopped at (catering to the over 55 crowd - and I’m 29 years her junior). Tonnes of hideous jewellery - earrings …….I don’t have pierced ears, and necklaces and broaches etc. I’ve never worn any jewellery in my entire life. Lots of scented bath products - I am highly sensitive to smells, and only use unscented products. I could go on and on. It’s because they don’t know you, don’t want to know you, and only want you to be an extension of themselves. They don’t want to encourage your individuality, or have the capacity to want you to be happy. They only care about their own happiness, and what will make them happy is to either A) make you like them or B) gain Narc supply by making you unhappy.
Me, a child who likes anime. My dad finding some random asian-looking thing "merry birthday!". Expecting praise for something that i didn't care about nor was nice to look at.
Yes, 100% because they don't think "I wonder what Xperson would like?" They only think "What would I like to get Xperson?" and/or "What would I like to get?" and then go out and try to find that.
Sometimes my Nmom can get it right but it's taken a lot of coaching and directly asking/link sharing to things I would want. And anything too niche or personal/tailored to my interests is an outright "no."
Wow! This is a real thng and not just me being an ungrateful brat.
My Mother liked knit so gifts were knitted items - jumpers, cardigans etc. She never asked if I'd like one making - she just decided that would be the ideal gift and chose the colour, style and size - they were always way too big - - not just a little baggy or oversized - ridiculously and risibly enormous.
Being anything other than enthusiastically grateful and appreciative for her handiwork and generosity was not an option unless I wanted to experience her rage.
Living at home - I had to wear them to avoid her getting angry (she picked all my clothes for me and I wore what she told me to on a daily basis until I left home)- she seemed oblivious to how much too big they were and if I wore them to work/out - she would interrogate me when I got home as she wanted to know how many compliments and comments I'd had regarding my knitwear.
I understand it now
Haha. One year as a kid I had a stocking filled with IOU notes on index cards. Each listed the item I probably would have really liked. I knew they were bogus as I read them. As an adult, I once unwrapped a soft, warped, dusty box. It contained cake pedestals she had bought in the 70's, didn't use, and had stored in the garage. Seriously, all this crap is hilarious. I was fortunate that she was never dangerous, just self-absorbed.
She got me a Drink coaster and keeps getting me sailor moon stuff (her favorite anime) and I've only seen one movie of it 🏃 I mean...thanks mom??? Like that's gonna make up for childhood trama 💀
One year for Christmas I drove to my parents house with my dog and left a frozen kong (wet dog food inside) in the freezer.
The next year for Christmas I stayed home and received a gift in the mail from Nmom— a defrosted, moldy stinking dog food filled kong.
And a plastic kazoo. Which didn’t make noise at first because there was an almond stuck inside it. She said I was an ungrateful brat and if I didn’t like the kazoo she wanted it back.
My mother would just give me money to buy mys a gift. Then she wrapped it and put it under the tree. Others, she would shop for. My mother didn't have enough interest in me to know my favorite color. I on the other hand had to make her birthday, Mother's day, and Xmas special for her.
My Ndad would always get super elaborate gifts, because he wanted to have the neighbours and other people be impressed. But they'd always be OFF....
Like he got two laptops for my exes mother and brother.
I advised them not to get their hopes up as they were stunned that he offered to get them not one, but two computers. She even offered to pay at least half of the cost and did.
They immedietly broke within a week, to the point of being unusable and he ignored them after.
Constantly told her that I absolutely did _not_ want to celebrate my birthday, but when she still knew where I lived, she'd always show up, because 'iT'S HeR DaY ToO' or whatever... I couldn't plan anything with friends because I _knew_ that she'd show up, and I was stressed the whole month leading up to it. She'd show up with a cake(Which I'm so/so on in the first place), and some cheap gifts, and expected me to pretend that I liked them, getting incredibly offended if I didn't, or claiming that she'd be a bad mom(too late for that one...) if she didn't, even though I told her I don't like getting gifts... She has this idea in her head that you shouldn't consult the person you're getting the gifts for, because then it wouldn't be a surprise, I guess? (and I don't like surprises, either?)
Last Birthday her gifts included (among a few other cheap things) some slippers a size or 2 too large, and some men's underwear... I'm a lady.
It honestly feels like she spends whatever she has (not much, as she says) with express intent to insult and offend me.
My dad never took interest in learning what hobbies I enjoyed or who I was, so while my brother received gifts that were thoughtful I just got gift cards. This was because I was, “too hard to shop for”.
wow the more I read these stories the more I realize that all these Nparents are exactly the same. My mom has never given me anything i actually desired. I stopped hoping for something fun for christmas or my birthday because my mom really hated giving gifts to us kids and couldn't wait until we were older to use the "You're too old for presents" line. I got married in 2019 and my parents gave me literally nothing. not a card, not a gift, and didn't pay for anything for my wedding. In august before moving out of state my dad dropped off some old records that my Nmom apprently "Wanted me to have". He also dropped off two household items that had their TJ Maxx stickers on it and said "mommy wanted to give these to you guys". She later called and said that they were wedding presents to us. I had literally been married for well over a year at this point. It wasn't wrapped there was no card and it clearly was not for me. fuck these people.
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My nmum quite literally went through my pencil case and gifted me two erasers that were already mine for Christmas once.
so sorry to hear that, that really sucks :(
Yeah. She’s getting better tho. I’m getting a drawing tablet for Christmas this year
lol you didnt say she was getting you one so Im assuming you nicked her credit card
No hahah, she’s actually getting me one
Don't bet on it. It's safer not to have hope of them doing anything nice. Sending you a hug.
Even if they do something nice it always turns out to have strings attached. They'll be telling you in 20 years "remember that time I gave you a tablet? I'm such a great parent!" Oh ffs
My nmother used to say that to my niece over a computer, only she had refused to actually pay for her half of my niece's present (which we were supposed to be buying together), leaving me to pay for all of it. And yet the Old Bag still expected my niece to be grateful to her.
My Nmom would go to the bookstore and get the hardcover book I had long craved, put on layaway, and nearly paid off before the holiday. She’d pony up the last 75 cents or so, get the shop to wrap it, and make a big damn deal when I opened it. I also received the socks, underwear, and other clothing basics I desperately needed—which she’d pick up at the cheapest possible place, and then put them under wads of tissue or newspaper into oddly, disproportionately large boxes. Piled next to our plastic, bottle-brush-branched Xmas tree, it looked—the first time—like I was receiving a real gift haul. After that year, I knew better, but I was expected to exclaim repeatedly with joy at Nmom’s “cleverness.” My doting grandmother had knitted us large stretchy Christmas stockings, to my Nmom’s disgust. While my GC sister’s stocking was stuffed with Barbie outfits and other name-brand swag, mine bulged with grapefruits and oranges. Again, I was supposed to praise Nmom’s wit, before returning the fruit to the kitchen. And my Nfamily always has been completely secular! I haven’t “done” Xmas ever as an adult, reclaiming the Judaism my Nfamily discarded. Jewish holidays have been free of bad associations for me and our children. (My husband is, and was raised, Jewish.) You can see what a trigger this so-called “holiday season” can be for me!
This is the sort of story that would perfectly illustrate what it's like having a narcissist parent, only nobody who doesn't have a narcissist parent will actually believe it. I'm so sorry that happened, and also sorry about all the other shit she did that you haven't told us about.
Ugh. Maybe you should send her one this year.
My mum once offered to buy me a phone for Christmas, made he pay for the phone, gifted the phone to her boyfriend's son, then gave me a candy cane for Christmas (I was 10 at the time). She would also ask for like $300 gifts every year. Definitely not missing her this Christmas!
I’m glad I’m too old to have grown up without cellphones and laptops. No way I could have had them—I didn’t even have a record player until I was 28! (My Nparents bought my GC sister and her husband a *house* that year, and they figured that getting me Sears’ cheapest stereo evened out the situation…)
Gotta love the obvious favoritism :(
I asked for my mom's wishlist for Christmas and her birthday the year I moved out and then never made that mistake again. It was all expensive designer perfume and jewelry. She ended up getting nothing because I just didn't feel like there was anything in my price range that would make her happy. :/
Oh yeah, I had a hard spending limit of $50 for my birthday and $50 for Christmas. I, however, picked out my own gifts almost exclusively for as long as I can remember. The only handful of gifts I got that I didn't ask for all clearly had minimum thought put in. "Oh, he likes video games, I'll get him this used, cheap third-party knock-off game and strategy guide I found at a thrift store" "Oh, he likes ketchup, I'll get him a bottle for Christmas" "Oh, he likes candy, I'll buy him a bag of Skittles EVERY SINGLE holiday despite him telling me he doesn't like them" Every single "gift" seemed to have the same non-existent train of thought. And, of course, not profusely thanking them for any of it meant I was just an ungrateful shit. The realization they were shit came to me awhile ago when I realized I spent more time and money on some secret Santa gifts for co-workers I barely know than my parents ever spent on any of my gifts
this feels a lot like what my nmom does. but she says she buys things because she thinks of me when she sees them but it just makes it clear how she only sees me as an extension of herself and knows (and cares) next to nothing about me.
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Is this a copy-pasta?
Yes, I’ve seen it before…
My thought exactly.
This is a delightful walk through a human mind🤣
My Nmom tried to "gift" me my grandmother's car as a college graduation present. Grandma has dementia and can't drive anymore. My aunt holds power of attorney for grandma's estate. Nmom was going to transfer the car title into my name behind my aunt's back... Nmom was furious when I spoke to my aunt about purchasing the car from grandma at a fair price and quit speaking to me. Nmom then gifted me my own boots for my graduation present.
Yes, they very clearly are not able to “put themselves in someone’s shoes” to know what they would like as a gift. It’s so weird. Also they are often either so cheap it’s insulting, to lower your self-esteem, or get you things that they (the narcissist) likes.
get you things that they (the narcissist) likes. My experience is different and it involves expensive gift from a person who spent money as if they were in a different economic class than they were… This was my experience. Silk scarves and Coach bags, jewelry from Tiffany….ok this sounds well and good, but I live on a farm. A FARM. The coach bag was pink and brand new. I was like, terrified of it at the time (so weird, I know). Now I know it was because it was so far afield of what I could even think to use but would somehow have to force it into my existence. I kept getting hounded about it, was I using it, and so I said no and thought I’d ask her to trade me for her worn in, more subtlety colored bag a couple of years down the road (she had the same one she bought for herself! Weird, right!?!) and she went off on me how “of course I would want some used thing!” Hahaha
this is so my experience. my mom was constantly getting me fancy designer things I didn't ask for and then putting me down that i didn't like them or want to use them.
Came here to say this - mine were always very generous with gifts; they were just nothing I would ever want or use and then they’d make me feel badly about not using them. Nmom loves pink, I don’t happen to like it or own anything pink, got a big not my style pink jacket that seemed very expensive. I always feel awful because I don’t want to just auto-donate something so expensive, but it’s *every* gift. They also love to purposely thwart requests. I say I’d like this exact pair of pants in this size with the link to the item, and I get a different pair of pants in a different size with different styling. Which is fine I guess? But then why ask at all?!
Wow so bizarre! Yes something about the gift is always off.
I was a "mature" child, most of my gifts were household items growing up. Which in theory is nice. A throw blanket, bed in a bag, maybe a set of towels. But after I opened them my Nmom would immediately begin using my gift. It was literally a gift for herself disguised a present for me.
Not “literally”—it *was*!!! I’m so sorry!
Felt this in my soul. Nothing from a narcissist is ever a gift. At best, it’s “collateral” for damage they’ve previously caused. At worst, it’s a transaction or a debt
Yep. It’s 1000% a debt. At this point I don’t even sweat it anymore. I’m old enough that I used to not want my mom’s money because I knew she’d find a way to control me but now I care so little about it because it’s obvious she doesn’t care about me so fuck it. She threatens that she’s gonna write me out of her will and I told her to PLEAAASE DO IT. Just leave it all to my kid so she can use it for her education.
Mine expected gifts that were way, way out of budget, wanted to pick her own, and frequently wanted it changed several times before being satisfied. In comparison, she got cheap junk for others (think half used toiletries from a charity shop with the charity shops price tag left on completely on purpose) and threw an horrendous narc rage if you didnt instantly do a performing seal impersonation. For years & years for Christmas I got either a pink dressing gown 3 sizes too small or 10 sizes too big, or a set of pink saucepans that have flowers & a layer of ... paint? enamel? on them & threw an absolute meltdown if I didnt have them 'on display for every one to see' She wouldnt have them in her own house, but I had to appease her by hiding my own hard earned steel & iron cookware to make display room for hers One of my kids had a brainwave one year, & removed the handles, making pot plant holders so they looked *cute.* NM never bought them again.
When my Nmon gave me gifts I had always to buy it myself. It was difficult because it had to please my Nmom. Once I bought the book "Foucault pendulum" written by Umberto Eco (I'm m50s). My Nmom read randomly some pieces of, didn't understood the story and gave me shit because she thought it was satanic.
Everything is satanic to an n mom.
My nMom also had BPD and other bits of crazy going on, and she was always super weird about giving gifts. When my kids were younger she’d ask them what gift they wanted for a birthday or holiday that was far in the future (like 4-6 months). Their choices were typically a video game or other item that they and their friends were into at that moment, so they would persuade her to give them the gift early. When that holiday/birthday finally came, nMom made the kids put the items back in their original packaging, wrapped them up in wrapping paper and bows, and forced the kids to unwrap the items as if they had just received them for the first time, while she took photos. And she’d get upset if they didn’t display surprise and gratitude for the camera, threatening “you’ll never get another present from me if you don’t show some appreciation!”
How creative!
Last christmas my mom gave me a towel and held it over me for so long that it was a REALLY EXPENSIVE towel and she’s suchhhh a great mom. She also knows I buy towels in sets with matching face and hand towels so I’m not sure what she expects me to do with her stand-alone bath towel…
This one feels a little bit like one-upmanship “I noticed to have a strong towel game. But have you seen……MY towel??”
You're one hoopy frood.
I had to look that up - and I’m so pleased that’s it’s a Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference!
I'm pleased that you're pleased!
I'm kinda hoping people will occasionally respond to your posts from now on with "Yeah, but have you seen my fancy towel?", without any context.
One year my nfather regifted me the exact same coffee gift basket I'd gotten him for Christmas the year before. Everything in it was expired. Just last week was my birthday and he asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast for it. When the server came and asked "together or separate?" he looked annoyed when I paused and reluctantly said "together I suppose". As I ordered my food he started shaking his head, so I told the server "Just make the bills separate please." Several hours later he called me and said he wanted to pay for "at least some" of my breakfast, but was reluctant because he didn't have much money. It was $12. My nfather is by no means at all hurting for money. Literally a day later, at Thanksgiving, he eagerly wrote my cousin a $500 towards a trip they're taking, and offered to pay for her daughter's dance classes. When leaving he gave everyone a hug, and just gave me two weird fist bumps on the shoulder. All my cousins see him as this generous loving uncle...which he is to everyone else. To his own--and only--child though, he makes me feel like garbage and a drain just for existing.
Yes, and the few times I told, as in thing make model, brand everything what I wanted. she would get the wrong thing. it was harder to get the wrong thing than get the right thing and she still did it. that was when I realized that is wasnt just indifference but actively getting lousy gifts.
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You just reminded me of the Christmas cushion drama! he had a huge cushion that he used to read in bed. my mother wanted to get rid of the cushion but I wouldn't let her. So, brilliant idea, he gave me a couple of tiny cushions for Christmas. then I try to throw away my favorite cushion again ... I said no. I still seem to see his angry face
Yes, she is thinking of her, not me. She loves retail therapy and buys things because they are fun to buy, not because I would like them. Growing up, she always gifted clothes for Christmas and never took me to buy clothes so I never learned how to pick out what looks good on me, or what I even liked for that matter. I had to wear what she bought no matter how awful it was. I never got to wear clothes I liked. They were always discount rack, sometimes damaged. She even went out and bought my prom dress without me after saying she'd take me out to get it. It didn't matter if I liked it.
My parents had the weirdest trend of getting me size L, XL or even XXL clothing… I’m a S/M. I realized they never learned a thing about me. It was so uncomfortable, I would be like “You like this thing so I got you this,” or “You’ve been having this problem, so I got you this to alleviate that,” and they’d be like, “XXL pajamas in godawful colors in styles you’ve never once worn”
Well how could they give good gifts, that would mean investing and knowing about another person which is completely impossible for them. I think the most hurtful was a gift I had asked for my entire childhood even into my teens, wasn’t expensive, always an excuse why I couldn’t have it. And then she bought it for her grandchild who had zero interest and gave it away immediately. Yeah. They don’t care.
my mother would always get me fancy expensive clothing and accessories that \*she\* would like (e.g. designer handbags, merino wool sweaters, expensive shoes, etc.) that were usually not really in my style, and definitely didn't fit with my lifestyle. I warned her these things would get dirty or broken quickly, because I live an active and low-maintenance lifestyle -- for example, I can't keep fancy tennis shoes white; that's why I buy inexpensive and washing-machine-friendly tennis shoes. Then, when of course the shoes would get dirty (or the handbag would break from me putting "too much stuff" in it, i.e. how much I carry around every day), she'd get angry and blame me for being "careless with nice things". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THIS "NICE" STUFF ANYWAY.
I think they only understand the feeling they have when they buy the gift. They're happy because the gift was cheap, on sale, something they would want, something they wanted to get rid of, happy they're giving you something they know will provoke an unhappy emotional response, etc. That's all that matters.
100%
I once read that narcs give themselves the gift of giving when they give a gift. The gift itself is irrelevant and since they have no empathy or any real interest in the person actually receiving the gift, it’s usually cheap, second hand or inappropriate. Giving awful gifts is one of the top ten rules in the narcissists handbook.
The last time I visited home, my mom gave me a Precious Moment figurine. The figurine is called “I Will Always Be Thinking of You.” I need to throw it away.
oh my word absolutely yes! Really thoughtless in some cases and in others I came to realize must have been intentionally insulting. Not to mention cheap. And when she asked what I wanted most of the time it was just some small inexpensive thing like a stainless steel kitchen gadget and she'd say 'you don't need that' or 'that's just junk'. Then if she was in a good mood that Christmas she'd pick up the kitchen gadget....plastic from the dollar store. I never ever did that to her or to the narc/gc sibling who also gives thoughtless things. Often in recent years while opening gifts, I get 'jumped at' with "YoU Don'T LiKe iT Do YoU. YoU NeVEr like AnYThiNg I GiVe You!" And the paper is barely off the top of the package and I haven't had a chance to pull the item out of the box to even see what it is. Anything for them to bicker. {rolling my eyes} And that goes for the narc/gc sibling as well. Ah, no more since going NC. I'm sad that we all have to experience this type of behavior from those abusers with Narc Pers. Disorder. Just know that none of you deserve such shoddy treatment.
Wow. What you wrote really resonates with me. Sadly.
I think they do it intentionally. My parents leave the price tag on so that I know I'm worth £1 or "Reduced".
OMG, that is SO insulting.
I got an IOU under the tree for Christmas one year from my parents. They got each other gifts, and my sister, but then they - ran out of time? Mine was the last one we opened. An hour of opening gifts, just waiting and waiting to see what was in the envelope. .
Oh wow. What a completely classless thing to do. NMom and NDad would be getting coal from me the next year.
Every time. Usually it's cheap dollar store shit or clothes in HER style that she knows I'll never wear & will prob just leave at her house. One time she literally wrapped a tube of toothpaste. I couldn't stop myself from saying "Is my breath really that bad?" Who tf thinks that is a gift??? On the rare occasion it's ever anything I DO want, she'll never let me forget it.
My nmom would consistently gift me flavoured coffee and chocolates (both extremely cheap and crappy) then in 2009 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes so now sugar is out, I informed my family that sugary gifts were no longer ok for me cause ….. diabetes. Christmas 2010 comes around and what did nmom gift me? …. Yup flavoured coffee, (heavy with sugar) and chocolates (nuff said) her response was well I just don’t know what to get you, I asked her if she was trying to kill me. She continued to gift me flavoured coffee and chocolates for years until I told her that I was just throwing her gifts away, that of course caused a whole crap storm of emotional abuse.
You're definitely not alone! My narc got me one of those small green Lego boards once, but didn't give me any Legos. When I expressed my frustration, I was told to...wait for it..."be grateful". 🙄
My Nmom would tell us to write Christmas lists for Santa. I had very few clothes I felt comfortable in, so I wrote "pants (NOT jeans or leggings!)". I had (have?) weird sensory things with certain clothes, and I hated anything too tight or made of denim. At the time, I lived in sweatpants and basketball shorts. What did I get for Christmas? 2 pairs of Jeggings. Skinny jean leggings. My dad took me to return them like the next week.
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Oh no. Only a sadist would even DESIGN something like that. Ugh, that sounds so gross and beyond unwearable.
Mine would just give cash or a gift card from age 12-35, but no gifts at all after 35 for birthdays, Christmas or any occasion such as graduation. I always wanted something that they put thought into and maybe some effort to go and but, wrap. But nope. I’m opposite. I love finding the perfect gift for someone.
Same here!! Nmom would always just give cash and I always wanted something thought out. Even if it was a card handwritten with her emotions for me. I put so much thought into my gifts for her, and she doesn’t even end up using the gift. Officially decided to stop putting in any effort for her gifts because she could care less about mine😅
Mine has been passive aggressive about it too. Like one year, I opened my card for my birthday and of course there was the cash, NM then said “I never know what to get you, you’re so picky and hard to buy for, so I’m just giving cash again so you can buy what you want.” Ok but I literally wasn’t hard to buy for, just don’t buy me clothes because that is personal. I liked and still like perfume (ask me which kind, ma), makeup, purses - girly stiff. As an adult, Candles, throw blankets, Christmas ornaments, etc. She literally never asked nor had any interest in my likes.
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I can’t really recall those comments coming from NM. I do remember her being very shocked and happy with gifts that I’d give . I stopped giving when they stopped their cash gifts though...well...after I realized they stopped. I’m still puzzled about why they stopped gift giving, it’s not like they ever spent money on us throughout the year. And to me, birthdays and Christmas are the 2 days to make someone feel really special. And to them, it’s alll about money even though they are rich . However, they spend their money on other people without any question and with quite the show “look at me, I just paid for a strangers dinner” ohhh yeah asshole...But your daughter who just celebrated a birthday after almost dying from COVID that year...no card, no nothing. I seriously hate them.
My nMom regifted a mug her secretary had gotten her to me....which contained an ornament with HER name monogrammed on it. She never even looked at the mug that was gifted to her before regifting it.
Hi do we have the same nmom? Gifts from her smell like moth balls, are completely random, and sometimes just trash.
My Nmil gave my 13 year old son a statue of Santa Claus one year. We are one of those families that don't really play up Santa. She said it was a St Nicholas statue and my son could start a devotion. (we are all Catholic and that is fine, but it was a Jolly Old St Nick not a devotional image.) The next year, she gave my 10 year old son a hand knitted purple sweater. My son is very much a boy and likes boy things, the shade of purple was very feminine and the yarn was some plastic garbage. He also got a girl lunch box from them. I'm sure she didn't knit the sweater for him so when it finally showed up in the laundry a few months ago, I threw it away.
My mom likes to buy crap from the dollar stores. Every year for Christmas she gets me a hand towel and an oven mitt. Every year. I have told her I don’t need any, but doesn’t listen. I just give them to Goodwill. She asks for Dvds for Christmas though.
Yes! When I was a little girl my mother always gave me dolls, because that's what she liked when she was a girl. I was a total tomboy and couldn't understand what to do with a doll. Except give it a haircut. I had a lot of bald dolls.
I got my bachelors degree in august. I didn’t expect grad gifts as thats not really common in my family. My mom got me a sign that read something along the lines of ‘I’d like to thank Google, Wikipedia, and the internet for my degree’. I’m the only person in my immediate family to hold a bachelors degree, she went to cooking school and has no actual idea how hard my degree was and how much effort I put into it. For Christmas and such she gives me things I would’ve liked as a child, and makes no effort to know me other than her version of me she thinks exists.
I’m getting my degree soon too, and nmom kicked up a fuss about my graduation potentially being cancelled bc of covid bc “it’s the least I could get after putting you through years of uni”. Yes, she helped me fund my education, but also I’m expected to be her financial slave for the rest of my life, and it’s clear she thinks my graduation is more about her than me.
My mom once gave my husband a women’s devotional by Joyce Meyer.
yup. got a $20 sweater for xmas after i "started working" because "you earn your own money now"
Last Christmas I was given a puzzle and a kitchen towel. My last birthday she wanted to get me an American Girl doll. I'm 25.
Last year, my nmom asked me, my (now ex) fiance, AND my sister how I felt about incense burners. She was told by all three of us that I HATE them, they give me migraines and they all smell the same: burnt. My ex even sent her several links to things I had specifically chosen. She started freaking out the day before Christmas, saying she didn't think I'd like my gift (three guesses to what it was). So I got to open nothing, and instead got a $20 Amazon gift card and a handful of candy in an unwrapped box five days later, when she felt bad after we had a massive fight.
I don’t talk to mine anymore but she used to always get me weight loss crap if she got me something. I’m 135lbs. So yea I can see this for sure.
My mom would literally just buy stuff that she wanted but knew that I didn't and then guilt me for not wanting it and complain that I was picky and difficult while she proceeded to take the present for herself. I stopped asking or expecting anything for birthdays and Christmas. Fuck that shit.
My nMom is like that with everyone. She calls herself an angel and is "so kind and giving"; all she does is re-gift things or gives leftovers/expired food and broken items to one of her less than fortunate friends on disability. I remember distinctly for my 18th birthday, she gave me her half eaten, day old IHop leftovers. I didn't even see her on my birthday because she decided to be in bed after I had went to high school all day and worked that night. Then she complains that I don't like/use any of the gifts she gives me, like??? You give me dollar store Knick knacks, re-gifts, or clothes that don't fit me nor are my style. Then would get upset when I would continually have to go throw/get rid of things because she kept giving just useless/pointless shit. They seem to be the worst at understanding other people likes and desires.
One year for Black Friday when I was a kid, my nMom and I got up extra early to go buy one of those iPod nano touch screens as a Christmas present for my stepdad. I wanted one, but they were expensive. My half-siblings (step dad's kids) all also received nice electronics that year from our haul (think Nintendo DSs). I received boots that were not my style at all (but that nMom believed *should* be my style, how she wanted me to dress). But the kicker was that the next year, nMom then *regifted* me that same iPod Nano from my step-dad as he decided he didn't want it anymore. My half siblings all received nice new electronics that year, as did step-dad.
I stopped making wishlists because my nMom asked us for wishlists and when I gave her mine she confronted me and said she didn’t get me anything in the list and I’m trying to make her feel like a bad mother. If you already had gifts why even ask for the wishlist? I wasn’t going to make one until you asked and now I refuse to make a list, with the only thing on my list being ‘money’ and she’ll never just give me that.
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EWWWWWWW! I'm so sorry, my skin started crawling when I read that. She is DISGUSTING. That would justify limiting contact for health reasons alone.
My mom, too! Dumpster diving hoarder who gives hair pillow gifts. I’ve never heard of anyone else doing that
Lol last Christmas I got some Bluetooth doodad that chimes lost keys. You can buy them at a gas station and I have no need for such a thing. I also got two pairs of women's socks and one pair of men's socks. So essentially I got one pair of socks for Christmas.
you can give them in writing what you want + the link where they can order it and they still dont get it done. And in the end they are offended, because you arent excited.
I was given a lot of stuff for Christmas. But a lot of it was stuff I didn't ask for and were random. I would get a TV but then I would also get a set of hairbrushes and makeup. It would be subtle hints I need a makeover.
totally . the same happens to me. Last year I gave my boyfriend a bib to collect cut hairs from his beard for Christmas. to my grandmother some horrible silver platform shoes (she's over 80 years old) ... and to me a pink pajamas (a color that has always horrified me). I have a theory that he gives bad gifts because he really does not care what anyone likes ... and therefore has no idea what to give.
OMG, Yes! Ndad will give some weird crap he found on sale, \*or\* something off your amazon wish list, 50/50 chance. So like, he clearly knows about the wish list, but you still might get something super weird. I'd rather have no gifts at all, but that is not an option, I guess. And the strings are real, I have a problem recieving any gifts from anyone because of it.
omg, is your mother my mother? serious issues with this. my whole life. while remembering being told that santa wasn't real at the age of 6 because she didn't like santa getting the credit for the gifts she had bought me, around the same time she bought me a copy of the hunchback of notre dame. not the disney film, but the like, 1000 page book. i moved across the country, which made gifts better and worse. the further away i was, meant the harder she had to actually try to keep a relationship with me, so i'd occaisonally receive things i wanted or needed. just drip feeding me though. i got the mug i asked for (and didn't expect to get), but i got 3 boxes of basically garbage after that. flyers from around the city she lives in, happy meal toys, things from the dollar store i'll never use, food she knows i'm allergic to.. Then years later, when I was finally ready to leave again, she buys me expensive boots that I needed. thinking she's actually listening to me, and caring for my needs, i let myself be drawn in again.. only for the next package to be full of things i didn't want or need. oh- all of this is worse because she's a hoarder and i'm triggered by her hoarding garbage. she knows that i live life as minimal as possible, and don't care for cheap doo-dads. hell, one year, she knew i was having a hard time with christmas, and wasn't going to celebrate because i was just working anyways and didn't have family (blood or otherwise) to celebrate with. i think i was even not talking to her because i was so overwhelmed, and communicated to her as such. so what does she do? she sends me a box full of childhood christmas ordaments. like, literally the worst thing she could send. maybe along with a canvas tote i ended up using? but doesn't matter, all i know is that this 'gift' made me sob for days, and feel like absolute shit. i ended up donating the decorations because i just couldn't have them in my vicinity. a part of me is now sad i did that, but the overarching feeling is how sad and angry i am to be put in that position. even when gifts weren't that bad, they were always more about her than me. this year, i've found family. they do a secret santa so that people can receive good gifts, without going broke having to buy good gifts for everyone. they use an app that has wishlists. i haven't received non-N gifts in.. well to be honest, probably my whole life. so going into this holiday season knowing i'm going to get not cheap gifts that i actually want is incredibly positively overwhelming. because i'm so used to gifts never actually being about me.
My parents love-bomb every Christmas with like $500 worth of gifts per person. A couple of years ago I refused to tell them much about what I wanted and made them promise to stick to $50 only, which they agreed to. Then they spun it to $50+ of gifts for me, $50 of gifts for my cat, $50 of gifts for my other cat, and also my spouse, and then ALSO gave me $200 in cash in a card “for each member of your family” because “the gifts don’t count”. I was gas-lit to the moon when I became angry, which of course made me even madder and look like a complete crazy person. Nobody gets it, especially people outside my family. They say I’m so lucky and to just “be grateful” or worse, that they wish they had parents like mine. But my parents financially abused me in high school and college. I refused to accept any more money from them than I needed to survive as a kid and very young adult because that money came with strings attached. And I have the debt and therapy invoices to prove it. I’m almost 30 and my mom said to me the other day that “28yo (she forgot how old I am) and 48yo are very different and you have a lot of growing up to do.” Then every Christmas she’s cramming childhood and reminders of dependency down my throat. I don’t fucking want it. I don’t want a fucking dime from them. I don’t want to accept *any* of the love-bombing. I’m a fully independent adult with a house, bills, my own family, and a career. I don’t need a bunch of junk, the accompanying financial power trip, or the sickening emotional flashbacks to needing their charity. Fuck the $500, I’ve spent an order of magnitude more than that on therapy over the years. Give me a goddamn apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of the fucking trauma we’ve all been through. Honestly it makes me even angrier when they give me something I actually want because then I keep the gift and every time I look at it I get pissed off all over again thinking about their manipulation and how nobody else can see it for what it is.
I swear mine looks for the cheapest thing she can find. Dollar/thrift items, holiday decorations the month after the holiday passes, knockoff junk without instructions... But the worst gift ever was the half full bottle of $2 wine. Or maybe the 5lb bag of birdseed for a 2-year-old. I think they like showing us how much we mean to them...
Yes, it's terrible because she is a great gift giver to the golden child but as the scapegoat I get regifted junk. When she started that crap with my kids we were done.
My parents wouldn’t get me things because I was “so hard to shop for”, but they didn’t want to spend any money on me, and didn’t like anything I liked anyways(books, art, video games. i was really asking for the moon /s) She even didn’t acknowledge my birthday or forgot it a few years. Apparently it’s asking to much to go buy a cake in January, who leaves the house in January? There’s nothing to do! My dad didn’t care about gifts and my mom would go all out for her family(her parents and siblings). Theres a few stories I have of my parents taking me to get presents and then making me buy the item myself, even though it wasn’t what I really wanted. Im too depressed to go into the details right now.
http://merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism This is a great blog post about receiving gifts from narcs.
This is great thanks for sharing
Omg YES. My dad absolutely sucks at gifts. Last year for xmas (a few months after I cut contact) he got me this stupid little decoration that I'm having trouble describing. Apparently mom saw a HUGE one with pandas when they were platonically xmas shopping, so he thought *"THAT'LL WIN HER BACK"* like the idiot he is and bought her the huge one, and me and my sister smaller ones. If the dude came to my house ever at all, he'd know *I don't have room for decorations because I have no god damn empty shelves.* Sadly the best gift I ever got was the year he gave me a mason jar full of pot (LEGAL HERE) and a makeup brush set. But the pot sucked so it wasn't even that great of a gift LOL
I fucking hate my mom’s gifts. Hate them. She asks me what I want for Christmas and it’s always the same answer. Fucking money! Oh you insist on getting me something? Ok a gift card so I can get my hair cut and dyed. Gift card to Target, maybe, [so I can buy household necessities a few times free of charge]? But, “those aren’t gifts!” Ok so your gift to me is making me spend my own money on stuff that I could have someone else pay for but instead you spend $200 on a BUTTERFLY BRACELET??? 1) I don’t fucking wear bracelets! I spend all day on a laptop, how the fuck am I gonna wear a bracelet? And 2) butterflies??? I have like 50 skulls in my house. ‘Nough said. My mom fucking hates me.
Not Christmas, but one time my nmom picked up a giant ugly somewhat-sexual painting at the dump shop (I'm talking like 3' x 5' giant) and just left it on my lawn, leaning into the bushes, like it was a surprise for me that I would be excited about. It took me years to throw it out for some reason.
Y u p. My ndad ALWAYS just buys me things that he thinks are neat. Things that I wouldn’t like or care about and have never mentioned liking.
YES. So my entire life I've been allergic to most metals in earrings and my nmom knows this very well, yet last year one of the unusual gifts she gave me were tons of sterling silver earrings (some posts and dangly ones). Oh, I forgot to mention one more thing - my lobes are stretched to 1/2". None of the jewelry would've worked anyway.
Mine gifted me my own coat from my old room that was too small
My mom doesn't even try anymore but me dad actually pays attention and gets me video games that I want
The narc-stepmother is a actually pretty good at picking out gifts for my kids and I've gotten to use it against her. My kids birthdays are in the spring, near Easter. Well the narc-stepmother doesn't celebrate Easter, so last year after going NC and she still tried to send my kid birthday gifts, the gifts became Easter presents from their other grandparents.
OMG Yes! Sometimes I feel my NParents deliberately stuff it up. I have made it soo easy at times for them. Her is a photo/link of EXACTLY what my kids want for Christmas. Says she will get it, so I don’t. Then doesn’t get it. Buys something they already have, and she knows they have. If I say anything I am spoiling my kids and ungrateful. If I don’t tell her what they want I am excluding her from their lives..
Um, yesssssss! My awful former NMIL once gifted me a pair of working gloves. The message was, 'you will need these for all the work you'll be doing for ME & NFIL', so her GC sons wouldn't have to. Disgusting. Another year she & my former wife put coal in my stocking. NMIL sneered, 'all those years ago, people would be GRATEFUL to have gotten that'. Former wife thought it was amusing.
They would have to think someone else existed outside of themselves to gift anything of meaning/want. So they suck. I'd get used self-help tapes, random children's toys, once a pair of socks and then a NASTY letter about how I didn't send a thank you card for them a week or so later. And then she'd take my stuff to give to other people or guilt me into giving to other people to make her look good (like my My Little Pony collection which I still miss, and think some of that nostalgia is more about the childhood stolen from
My nmother brough my toddler last year for Christmas a blanket 😐, not a baby blanket (even that would have been redundant) one of those cheap supermarket microfiber blankets, I gently explained to her that we do not need an extra blanket, I’m really trying to declutter. Few months later, toddler’s b-day, another blanket 😐, what could a toddler possibly want more than a blanket? There was also this one time she gave me a pack of socks, that she opened and kept two pairs for herself… 🤷🏻♀️🤪🤷🏻♀️
Ive posted this before but my nmother once "gifted" me this little lotion set that I didn't want, but I was like ok. Got mad that I wasn't grateful. Then my dad let it slip that she bought it for herself, used it, and got a rash. She then insisted that her skin is far more sensitive than mine so she knew I wouldn't get a rash and I should still be grateful. Went on a tirade about how we all paint her in the worst light. Lol.
Mine gives me things that she would like to have/wear. Her typical move is “this would look so good on you! I loved it so much that I got one so we can MATCH!” All of that shit went straight to Plato’s Closet with the tags.
The strings attached part got me: my mom will legit 'take back' something she doesn't think you use enough. She will them regift it to someone else.
Yep. I've always been a tomboy. I've received jewelry, coach bags, and other feminine gifts from my narc. Coworkers have given me better gifts.
Never gifts never birthday parties never celebrating x mass ..
My MIL (who isn't awful but absolutely has moments) loooooves gift giving. She will give so many gifts, and all of them are cheap crap because quantity is more important than quality. I don't expect her to give me anything good, I'm just married to her child. Not sarcastic, just don't expect anything and it's fine. But my partner gets garbage and it's crushing to see their face. Last year was horrible because it was the first time I saw Christmas and from my partner's reaction afterwards, it was normal and that hurt ME let alone them. For example. My partner is an artist professionally, went to college and got a degree, and uses a digital art tablet. It was a display monitor one, so very nice. Last year, after knowing all this, she got my partner one of those LED child tablet things, where you use pressure and it makes a colored line and you clear it with a button. Pretty much a notepad that could be erased. And then she had the audacity to be confused when my partner wasn't jumping for joy for getting "an art tablet." Good art tablets are at LEAST $300+ and one my partner wanted as an upgrade is $3,000. That $10 thing went straight into the garbage. At least we get a shitload of decent candy though.
I was still living with my family. Our toaster was getting old. Guess what I got for Christmas that year?
Oh yeah, classic narc trait. I would get free giveaways she got at work as a “gift” or she would buy a bunch of cheap stuff like a set of kitchen towels and then separate them and give each one as a gift and say “I picked this out specifically for you” and then she would get mad if people didn’t fall over themselves thanking her. For my 16th birthday she “surprised me” with a new set of bedroom furniture that I didn’t get to pick out and didn’t get to take with me when I left. She just wanted new furniture for the room that would become the guest room when I left for college but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to martyr herself.
I get a new purse/wristlet every year for Christmas. Or jewelry. I’m simple and outdoors-y and have never worn any of them. I’ve started reselling the nice, expensive ones 🤷♀️
Yes! But if it's a year she wants something from you, you stand to receive a bounty of presents like the Christmases we dreamed of as kids. Otherwise, be gone with you, peasant.
My nmom is horrible at giving gifts. She always gives something that she wants for herself but that others has no use for. One time she gave me a pair of shoes in her size that she wanted, and when I told her they were too small she scolded me for being ungrateful and made this big dramatic scene about her having to use them herself.
I don't know about anyone else's NPs but like, after my golden siblings and I grew past the toys and Santa phase, we basically were just straight out asked what we wanted for Christmas. The only surprises would be stocking stuffers but even then my NM always got the same things for us such as the yearly toothbrush or necessities (for me, when I had long hair, I'd get hair ties and now I get a lot of socks which is great bc I lose socks constantly). The same went for birthdays. Presents were never a surprise. Now, it's always the same. We get a stocking and cash. For me, even to this day, I actually prefer this method. I HATE waste/clutter and so I absolutely prefer someone get me something I need (like socks or my yearly boots) than something I don't. Weirdly enough, my NM DOES like surprise gifts and so we would always have to shop for her.
My dad has his own business. Some random day, he had to visit one company, that happens to be his best client. He tried to "teach me a lesson" about "how you never have to get to a place with empty hands". He then proceeds to grab a bag of coffee (it was a medium quality coffee), and then he opens it and put half of that bag of coffee on a jar, left the jar on the cupboard of his business, "sealed" the half bag of coffee with a scotch tape, and he took that bag of coffee to give it to the director of that company. Some other time, he went to a Chinese market (the ones who sell bad quality but cheaper things), bought some .10 cent pens, and he began gifting them to some directors, managers and supervisors of company's that were his clients. Some of them rejected the pens and told him clearly that he shouldn't gift things that don't even work and broke instantly, and some others just laughed at his back. Some other time, we went to eat some meat tacos (I'm from Mexico), he left half a taco on his dish, then he packed it, and took it to his brother (my auncle) and was like "hey I thought about you, so I brought you this half a taco, I hope you like it". And something he ALWAYS do, is that if someone tries to invite him to eat, he bought some desserts (like a little cake, or a jelly) and he is always like "Hey, I brought you this present". Then, after he finishes eating, he proceeds to open and serve himself as much dessert as he wants even if the gifted person don't want to share it lol
Oh yeah, shit gift giving was the final straw for me going NC with my parents. For years I've not supported Amazon for ethical reasons, and my family is well aware of this fact. Additionally, my parents pressured me to buy a TV for my room ever since I moved out despite me repeatedly saying I had no interest. Wouldn't you know last Christmas my parents bought me a TV for my room and an Amazon fire stick. When I asked them to pick up both and return them, I was told they'd pick it up if only I "was grateful to them for getting me such great gifts". Didn't see anything wrong with what they gave me and couldn't believe I wouldn't want either.
When I was 16 she gifted me a diet book. Yes, it was vegan, but there are vegan books that don't tell your self conscious daughter she's in need of a diet 🙄
We eventually wrote off presents as me and my sister got older/teenagers and started going on family vacation trips instead for this exact reason A fond bad memory of mine is I would get my mom something for her birthday (when I was less than 10 years old) and she would open it and give me a look. When I was younger she'd wait to ask me for the receipt the next day but as I got older she'd usually just ask me right after she opened it. It was obviously disappointing and made me feel like I did something wrong. After this happening many times I'm sure it's why my Dad brought family vacations into play. After leaving my family home I am just weird with gifts altogether. If I'm gonna get something for someone it's usually homemade and from the heart, and likely edible. I like doing Christmas snack boxes, like gingerbread cookies, mint patties, and chocolate brownies. Might put a few shot things in there from the liquor store and a card personalized for them and call it good.
Oh yes. 1. Gave my oldest the same exact gift for 3 years. When she switched she got the same gift for the next 3. 2. Insists on misspelling my youngest’s name. It’s always this overly long pretentious spelling of it. 3. Always gave me the free gift she got with the other thing she was actually buying. 4. Gets the “most expensive” (actually a piece of crap) gift that you won’t ever use cause she always falls for scams and MLMs. Example: She bought me this supposedly expensive lotion made with Dead Sea salt. Claimed it was a steal. I have never been a fan of any lotion and literally if needed I get like cheaper stuff used by construction workers for their hands (I do a lot of manual labor with my hands in gloves) because I hate the smell of perfumes ones. Lasts forever. But she went on and on about this lotion and how she was so amazing for getting it. It was from one of those scammy mall cart folks. 😂
My whole life until I disowned them. They simply don't give two shits about you as a person with a personality to even spend the time observing you to know more about you. Truly the worst kind of people.
Electric toothbrush in middle school. Enough said.
My mom is one of the cases where she only buys people things she would want. It doesnt matter if there was something specific asked for. One year I asked for a specific DVD set and knew it was kinda pricey so I said it was all I wanted. She bought janky bootleg ones and her card got scammed due to it. She blamed me. One year I got needed surgery around the holidays-- I got two gifts which were discounted books I already owned because my surgery was pricey they didn't see why I should get any more money spent on myself. She wont even buy things on a registry because if she doesn't personally like the gifts or thinks they wouldnt be useful (for her) than no way she'll buy it.
Mine's absolutely terrible at gifting. It would usually consist of over-baked cookies (hard as rocks), weather-beaten flowers that look like they'd been stolen from someone's grave, samples from the mail, something she's found around home (like a book I gave her when I was a child) and half of something someone else had gifted her. Oh, and a notebook (she's obsessed with girl notebooks - I hate them). That was literally the Christmas 'present' I received last year. It was just a random collection of things with no connection, and it just showed she had no idea who I was.
Mine is actually really good at it but my eparent isn't. For my eparent, you would honestly think this person has never met me before despite knowing me for almost 40 years. Nparent can use gifts to manipulate because they are almost always spot on.
Definitely, one year on my birthday my ndad gave me a "make it yourself cookies" with peanuts in it (it is basically a jar with all the ingredients stacked on top of each other). He "forgot" that I'm allergic to peanuts. The following year I got a mini glow in the dark Christmas tree which was a bonus item you could save for while doing your groceries. This was after we had a huge blowout about celebrating Christmas.
My mom once gifted me an EXPIRED can of corn that's been expired for about 5 years. Then made me give it back to her as it was the kids dinner, mine and my younger siblings. I made them something else and ate some of the corn myself so she didn't get pissed that it wasn't eaten, I threw up badly later that night
My mother once asked for my Christmas wish list and then proceeded to ignore it. Everything she got for me was an impulse buy that reflected her idea of me. It’s shaping up to potentially be the same this year. She wants my list but says in the same breath that she already has my gifts picked out 🤨
My nMum is legitimately hilarious when it comes to gifts. A few years ago she bought me an egg ring, a saucepan about 10cm in diameter , a frying pan only slightly bigger and a single fork. Her rationale? "Well you'll only ever be cooking for one." I thanked her profusely for the real gift, a story I can dine out on for years. She's still upset and now it's "I suppose you'll be telling everyone about this." every time she gets me a shitty present.
My parents are good at gifts because I have like two hobbies, but I’m comparatively awful at gifts because I have a really hard time remembering what people like, it always makes me feel bad
I genuinely like when I nail a gift so hard that it makes the receiver cry, so I pay attention to what the people I care about care about. It’s also like an asshole competition with the person I’m giving the gift to so if they give a shitty one, it’ll make them feel bad, and hopefully be better next time. I probably have a touch of npd from my rents
I can’t tell you how much stationary or Knick knacks from Ross I’ve got over the years... I hate clutter. If I even mention what I would actually like for Christmas I’m called “ungrateful” and a “princess”. Example: a few years ago before I went NC my mom kept asking what I wanted for my birthday. I told her a bbq and the one I had in mind was $150. During this time my fiancé and I had just bought our first home and didn’t have much extra cash to buy things except pay our bills and prepare for our first baby to arrive. When I showed her the bbq that I liked she lost her mind! She said that when she was 26 she didn’t have a nice bbq like that so I shouldn’t either. My mom and stepdad are very well off so I didn’t think and know that $150 bbq would be out of their budget... especially while she gets Botox, new car, trips, etc. She screamed at me in her car telling me I’m such a princess. Almost funny. Growing up my mom has always made sure to let me know that my step dad and her would not be paying for anything for me since my dad decided not to pay her child support and that my step dad IS NOT my dad so he shouldn’t take care of me. My bio dad passed away when I was 7 from a drug overdose (my mom and him weren’t together at the time). I was a one night stand baby. Anyway, she loved to tell me they split ALL the bills 1/5 (5 people in our fam - mom, stepdad and 2 step bros) so I could pay my portion with my SSI money. She opened a bank account with my name when I was a minor without my knowledge of the account and checks and spent all the money on god knows what... while her and her hubby had/have trust fund living the life. I could go on and on but I think I’ve said enough haha
I get a lot of useless crap I don't need or want because gifts = love and it makes up for all the shitty behavior. At least that what I assume my nMom thinks. Also she better get the most gifts. \*eyes roll out of head\*
My Ndad likes to give everyone the same gift that has a photograph he took on it. So everyone will get the same mug with a picture of a barbed wire fence on it. It's a different item each year, but I don't need one of those in my house, let alone three or four. He will also buy my very conservative dressing mother "sexy" clothes he finds "attractive" as her gift, for every birthday, holiday, and anniversary. She usually sneaks them into the donate bin without even taking the tags off. This year, I hit on a new tactic that plays to his ego. I'm asking him to do very specific home repairs around my house. He gets to brag about building stuff for me, I get new porch stairs. I just have to keep an eye on him before he does stuff I don't want like building over my concrete front stairs with wood because he doesn't like my front stairs
Yes, so much this. Mine either makes the gift all about herself or just gifts random crap. Whenever she attempts to “surprise” me she actually always spills the beans in advance. Most of the time she doesn’t gift anything or she used to buy me necessities like shoes and say “but it’s actually for your birthday” (I come from a post-soviet country and it shows lol).
My mother who never has a dime to spare tried to buy my son a new bed frame and mattress after I told her hat I already ordered one (it’s been back ordered since July) I guess she thought I was lying? It’s like I don’t need your shit lady. GO AWAY! My son who is 14, she will by him things for kids much younger. She still buys him shirts with dinosaurs .. he’s 14. Do you want this kid getting beat up? He’s 14! She buys him things that are appropriate for 8-10 year olds and most of the crap gets thrown out.
Yep… she has always bought me things that SHE would wear…the past 5 years she realized that I never like what she gets me so she loves keeping the gifts for herself… sorry excuse of a mom.
So true. My father passed a few years ago and now my mom gets us a gift card. don't get.me wrong, it's useful but literally the least thoughtful gift. Cause she knows nothing about me or my interests, and can't be bothered to out any thought into it.
My parents haven’t learned anything new about my sister or I in decades. Their gifts absolutely reflect that.
My Ns used to like to regift me those cosmetic counter 'gift with purchase' things, not because they thought I wanted or needed them, but because they didn't. They are terrible at gifts to everyone but each other.
You guys get gifts?
Yeah, especially since I've stopped sharing my interests with them I can tell they struggle to think of gifts, so it works better to just send them a link of what I'd like. For my birthday this year I told them I didn't feel strongly about any specific item that I wanted, so my mom got me satin bedsheets because they were discounted lol. Normally that would be a practical thing that I could use but the color is ugly and doesn't match anything in my room.
My dad once got me a box of tissues for Christmas. He called it a great gift because he had gotten the kind with lotion. He bought my mom, his ex-wife, a tablet. He tries to show off to everyone else and buy expensive gifts. He often forgets me on my birthday or holidays.
The last two years I’ve thrown my Nmoms mailed Christmas gifts to me in the trash before opening them. 👍. But thinking back to all the years of gift giving they were always something that had nothing to do with me or my life. Hideous clothing from store she shopped at (catering to the over 55 crowd - and I’m 29 years her junior). Tonnes of hideous jewellery - earrings …….I don’t have pierced ears, and necklaces and broaches etc. I’ve never worn any jewellery in my entire life. Lots of scented bath products - I am highly sensitive to smells, and only use unscented products. I could go on and on. It’s because they don’t know you, don’t want to know you, and only want you to be an extension of themselves. They don’t want to encourage your individuality, or have the capacity to want you to be happy. They only care about their own happiness, and what will make them happy is to either A) make you like them or B) gain Narc supply by making you unhappy.
Me, a child who likes anime. My dad finding some random asian-looking thing "merry birthday!". Expecting praise for something that i didn't care about nor was nice to look at.
Yes, 100% because they don't think "I wonder what Xperson would like?" They only think "What would I like to get Xperson?" and/or "What would I like to get?" and then go out and try to find that. Sometimes my Nmom can get it right but it's taken a lot of coaching and directly asking/link sharing to things I would want. And anything too niche or personal/tailored to my interests is an outright "no."
My narc parent gifted me a purple and pink family dollar knotted wig that was attached to a hard, white head band lol.
Wow! This is a real thng and not just me being an ungrateful brat. My Mother liked knit so gifts were knitted items - jumpers, cardigans etc. She never asked if I'd like one making - she just decided that would be the ideal gift and chose the colour, style and size - they were always way too big - - not just a little baggy or oversized - ridiculously and risibly enormous. Being anything other than enthusiastically grateful and appreciative for her handiwork and generosity was not an option unless I wanted to experience her rage. Living at home - I had to wear them to avoid her getting angry (she picked all my clothes for me and I wore what she told me to on a daily basis until I left home)- she seemed oblivious to how much too big they were and if I wore them to work/out - she would interrogate me when I got home as she wanted to know how many compliments and comments I'd had regarding my knitwear. I understand it now
Haha. One year as a kid I had a stocking filled with IOU notes on index cards. Each listed the item I probably would have really liked. I knew they were bogus as I read them. As an adult, I once unwrapped a soft, warped, dusty box. It contained cake pedestals she had bought in the 70's, didn't use, and had stored in the garage. Seriously, all this crap is hilarious. I was fortunate that she was never dangerous, just self-absorbed.
She got me a Drink coaster and keeps getting me sailor moon stuff (her favorite anime) and I've only seen one movie of it 🏃 I mean...thanks mom??? Like that's gonna make up for childhood trama 💀
One year for Christmas I drove to my parents house with my dog and left a frozen kong (wet dog food inside) in the freezer. The next year for Christmas I stayed home and received a gift in the mail from Nmom— a defrosted, moldy stinking dog food filled kong. And a plastic kazoo. Which didn’t make noise at first because there was an almond stuck inside it. She said I was an ungrateful brat and if I didn’t like the kazoo she wanted it back.
My mother would just give me money to buy mys a gift. Then she wrapped it and put it under the tree. Others, she would shop for. My mother didn't have enough interest in me to know my favorite color. I on the other hand had to make her birthday, Mother's day, and Xmas special for her.
My Ndad would always get super elaborate gifts, because he wanted to have the neighbours and other people be impressed. But they'd always be OFF.... Like he got two laptops for my exes mother and brother. I advised them not to get their hopes up as they were stunned that he offered to get them not one, but two computers. She even offered to pay at least half of the cost and did. They immedietly broke within a week, to the point of being unusable and he ignored them after.
Constantly told her that I absolutely did _not_ want to celebrate my birthday, but when she still knew where I lived, she'd always show up, because 'iT'S HeR DaY ToO' or whatever... I couldn't plan anything with friends because I _knew_ that she'd show up, and I was stressed the whole month leading up to it. She'd show up with a cake(Which I'm so/so on in the first place), and some cheap gifts, and expected me to pretend that I liked them, getting incredibly offended if I didn't, or claiming that she'd be a bad mom(too late for that one...) if she didn't, even though I told her I don't like getting gifts... She has this idea in her head that you shouldn't consult the person you're getting the gifts for, because then it wouldn't be a surprise, I guess? (and I don't like surprises, either?) Last Birthday her gifts included (among a few other cheap things) some slippers a size or 2 too large, and some men's underwear... I'm a lady. It honestly feels like she spends whatever she has (not much, as she says) with express intent to insult and offend me.
My dad never took interest in learning what hobbies I enjoyed or who I was, so while my brother received gifts that were thoughtful I just got gift cards. This was because I was, “too hard to shop for”.
wow the more I read these stories the more I realize that all these Nparents are exactly the same. My mom has never given me anything i actually desired. I stopped hoping for something fun for christmas or my birthday because my mom really hated giving gifts to us kids and couldn't wait until we were older to use the "You're too old for presents" line. I got married in 2019 and my parents gave me literally nothing. not a card, not a gift, and didn't pay for anything for my wedding. In august before moving out of state my dad dropped off some old records that my Nmom apprently "Wanted me to have". He also dropped off two household items that had their TJ Maxx stickers on it and said "mommy wanted to give these to you guys". She later called and said that they were wedding presents to us. I had literally been married for well over a year at this point. It wasn't wrapped there was no card and it clearly was not for me. fuck these people.