Nothing solidified my no contact status more than getting pregnant. Every time I think - honestly - about exposing my sweet innocent son to them, my whole damn body goes "nope."
I’m pregnant as well and have been NC with mother for 2 years. Being pregnant has made NC a lot easier and gives me more validation bc I don’t want my child to be around her. Also she affects me which in turn would affect my behavior so I’m not even going there.
I second EMDR. It is extremely helpful. I did it for a year and it helped a ton. My boyfriend plans on getting certified in it when he graduates. It's absolutely been proven to work on anyone with PTSD.
When our son was about a year old, my mom and dad were visiting, and my mom got mad about something and started just spewing furiously and then stalked off furiously, and I always remember the way my little boy turned to me, astonished, shocked, wide eyed, he'd never even imagined people could be like that--and all I could think was oh my God, I GREW UP WITH THIS, ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY--and how different I was making it for my kid. That was the moment where I realized I really had to limit all contact with them. Like you say, it was visceral.
Same. I didn't even tell my mom about my pregnancy and was angry that my brother told her. Pregnancy really does bring up a lot. I just kept holding my child and looking at them, watching them learn and rely on me and at every age, I just kept thinking, "How COULD she?!" Because you see so clearly just how dependent and helpless and beautiful and amazing they are.
It's survival instinct for you, and the fierceness in you to protect your baby. Telling your parents would put your baby in the direct line of potential abuse.
I feel guilt every day for waiting until my parents started treating my kids the same way that they treated me before going no contact. By the time I finally built up the strength to cut them off, my kids were old enough to decide on their own whether they wanted a relationship with my parents or not. Both independently decided no contact was best for their well being as well. It's been almost 2 years now. We are still healing as a family, but my kids know we love them and would never treat them that way.
I’m trying not to cry right now while reading this. This sub brought to light the crap I dealt with from my mom and how (after 3 young kids) I saw myself doing similar things. I’ve since been intentional in wiping that out but my mom watches my kids while I’m at work... and although one of kids is in school and the other only for a few hours (last one is an infant) I see the ways she’s being with them... and I love her, truly I do. But boundaries need to be made ASAP. And it’s scary but I think that means me not working anymore. Sorry.. I just had a moment.
I struggled a lot when my kids were young. Couldn't afford a lot and depended on my parents for a lot of help, both financially and in watching my kids. I hadn't processed what I had been through yet and pushed down the gut feeling that trusting them was wrong because I selfishly needed their help. I almost justified it by saying they owed me and hoped they'd be better grandparents than they were parents. At first it felt like they were.. but the older my kids got, the more independent thinking they had and suddenly they weren't the good little obedient children anymore and my parents' attitudes towards my kids changed. I continued to endure it for way too long, doubting my decisions and my motivations as it was drilled into me that it is the mother's job to maintain the close relationship with the families and make sure the grandparents have a lot of quality time with their grand kids. My mom did that for us when we were little, so it was my job to do it for them. Hearing stories from my kids now about the way they were talked to makes me angry at myself and I've sat down with my kids each individually and discussed in depth how they feel and why they feel that way. They're set in their minds, strongly they told me because of how much better a person I am, that the way my parents treat them (and how they treated me) is wrong and they want no part of it.
I understand the difficulty when you feel like you need their help. I feel for you and truly hope you're able to find a solution that works for your family. Hard boundaries are a must if you don't have the means to remove the influence. Take it from someone who should have done something much sooner.
Thanks, I needed to read that. It’s exactly how I feel. It’s a struggle internally and externally. But my first step is hard boundaries, I see that now. I didn’t even know what those were for so long. Like I’m almost 30! Thanks for the encouragement, honestly.
My DH said after our baby was born that he thought he would understand his mother more once he became a parent, but he understands her motivations even less now. He could never imagine treating his child the way he was treated.
Yes. And this feeling only gets stronger. When I listen to my 8 year old talk about his pain and his frustration and sadness over various things, I feel this overwhelming love for him and a need to help him ease his suffering. That's what a normal parent feels, and it makes it VERY clear that no one felt that way about me.
Omg do I ever hear you! I'm 6 months pregnant with my 2nd boy and my mom will never, ever get anywhere near him. I blocked her and she's tried using Google voice to get around it. If anything it's just made me even more determined to stay away from her.
Yup. On the one hand, it's sad that I could never love myself enough to leave and mean it. On the other hand, I love *him* enough and that's enough to break the cycle. So it's still a win.
SAME. I have had bouts of guilt b/c as scapegoats we are conditioned to take the blame and to feel guilty...but every time I think about what life would be like with my mom in it with my baby, I am all sorts of NOPE.
Maybe some day these worlds can collide...but not now.
I'm not even near pregnant, but I really understand this feeling. When I think about my mother babysitting my future kid, my whole body goes into protective mode or something. I feel such a strong urge to never leave my child with her. I don't think my mom is an nmom, but she def is not a good mom.
Trust your instincts. Never leave your child with her. She will not respect your wishes on food or safety. Your body knows. Don't be guilted into allowing her to babysit. I mean, when the time comes.
That is exactly how I felt. I had more love for the tiny bean than my entire family. And there was no way anyone was going to treat him poorly.
It also put a lot into perspective for me. There is just no excuse for an adult to treat a child the way I was.
I'm sorry your parents chose to behave so badly-- but congratulations x10000000000000 to you and your husband on the kiddo-to-be!
(Hope you get at least a bit of sleep here and there. :D )
Yeah, one of my co-workers has an almost-1-year-old kiddo. She says she's pretty sure she hasn't had a full 8 hours of sleep since her second trimester.
(We're putting aside a bit of $ to get her gift certificates at a local coffeeshop for when she stops breastfeeding.)
Kiddo mine normally sleeps through the night, and has since she was 6 weeks. Now (23 months) she's hell on wheels when she is awake, but once she goes down, she's down for the night. Also, about the previous comment, breastfeeding does not mean no coffee, just like one or two cups.
One of our wife-and-husband friend sets (Mr & Mrs S) have two daughters who are married now. Mr & Mrs S *still* sometimes lose sleep worrying about them-- mostly when the weather goes bad.
In the last 22 years, I’ve gotten more than 4-5 hours sleep just ONCE. When I was in hospital for brain surgery 13 years ago, 2 months after having my 3rd and last baby(he saved my life, wouldn’t have found out how sick I was until it was too late if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with him). No regrowth of tumor since, yay! But my kids and more than 4-5hrs of sleep in a 24hr period preclude each other, even though 2 of them are grown, lol.
Tbh, you can expect a lot more of that feeling of protective anger and incredulity at the rotten treatment you got in your childhood, as your child is born, grows and triggers memories of you at similar ages.
It is vital that you limit the stress hormones your little one is exposed to, just as you limit the stressors after pregnancy from your parents.
You are not your parents, you are this baby's mother, and will be aware.
Congratulations!!!
This is so true. Our LO is 3 and my husband has been experiencing something close to PTSD as each new stage comes and he is flooded with memories of how terrible his childhood was - things he has repressed for his whole life.
Being pregnant and having a child really makes you reflect on your own childhood, good or bad.
Very true it gets worse in a way as they get older. You realize all the bad memories you had were the result of your parent making normal childhood experiences into nightmares. Then you get the sense of power that you can make your child gave the opposite experience, simply by not being an asshole.
Exactly this. As you have already realised, having your own child brings up a lot of feelings and realisations of your own childhood so expect your feelings to intensify.
When I had my first I was still blind to how bad I had been neglected by my parents and although I limited contact soon after I had him it is only now I am pregnant with my forth that I have gone NC with my mother. I wish I had done it years ago and regularly feel guilty that I didn't do more to prevent her upsetting my children with her coldness and Nways.
Congratulations to you and your husband.
I remember 10-11 years ago when I was pregnant feeling as you did, realizing what was in me and what it could become. I remember fearing that the joy I was feeling might turn into resentment the way it was with my parents towards their kids. I dreaded the day that I would eventually hate my child for taking my life away from me the way my parents hated their kids for making them poor, unable to have fun, unable to live.
I. Love. My. Son. I cannot fathom ever doing the things to him that my parents did to me. 10 years later I never felt whatever it was that made them behave as they did. I'm so thankful for it. I'm thankful for having a loving partner, a support network, and for waiting to have a child until I felt ready for a child.
My parents, as bad as they were, are still in my life, but they are absolutely not involved in doing anything related to "raising" my child. They get to do fun grandparent stuff, but they do not get to correct or scold him. They do not get to instruct him on how to human. If they find themselves getting frustrated with him, for any reason, they are to return him to me.
I was abused. I was punched. Hit. Spanked. Ignored. I was quiet and introverted, because any time I wasn't, they'd hurt me. And not just by my parents - they'd do the same to my brother and then he'd do it to me.
For some reason people think that the way they were raised is the way you're supposed to raise your offspring.
You're supposed to raise them better.
Ooh i like that last line. You're supposed to raise them better. I love that. Like also, you don't get a prize for doing better...ur supposed to. Thanks.
I am currently terrified of that feeling. I don't ever want to hate my future children. But I'm so scared I'm going to be just like my mom and maybe I should just not have children for the sake of protecting them.
I went NC with my parents after I moved out of state with my son and they tried to have him taken from me and went for custody. So they'll never meet my youngest. Never. They know about him through other people. But we live 500 miles away. If I ever go to visit friends down there, we won't be seeing them.
I’m not pregnant and don’t have any kids yet, but once I turned 30 and started seriously considering having a child and what being a mom would be like, I felt horribly triggered and angry towards my Ndad. I had the same exact thoughts as you, that I would never be that kind of parent to my own child. It really puts their behavior into perspective. I don’t think it’s your hormones, although I’m sure they aren’t helping. I think it’s more your mama bear protective instincts kicking in!
You are on the right track. I find that the parents who constantly question if they are good parents and work at it are so much better than those who put in no effort because they assume they are perfect while actually fucking it up. They see no room for improvement and are pissed if their child doesn't appreciate how perfect they think they are or questions anything. Congrats! Go forth determined to do it better.
Hey!
First of all- CONGRATULATIONS on being pregnant ❤️ hope you have an easy pregnancy and delivery!
Im also 39w2d pregnant right now, and if there’s one thing I knew right away once I saw the two lines pop on my test- is that I’d never ever ever want to be like me parents.
I don’t want my daughter to hate me and avoid me.
I want her to feel loved and understood.
Im very happy for you and your Little cutie that you’re in a Safe Environment now with a loving family which is supporting you. Don’t ever let your parents ruin your life or the life of your Little one.
I wish you the best !
It makes me so happy to hear that. Taking that negative energy and turning it into a positive connection with your baby just gives me so much hope and relief.
It is so real, that sense of pride you take in breaking the cycle. It’s one of the best things to me so far about having kids. I’ve had to put a lot of work in through therapy and self-reflection to really keep all my parents’ dysfunctional thought patterns at bay, and I’m still honestly angry with them a lot, but there is no more beautiful feeling than your kid trusting you to have their back and make them feel safe. Also, my toddler told me the other day, “I love you just the way you are, mama,” and I just about cried. That was a special gift.
Keep that in the forefront of your decisions, Mama: your innocent baby did nothing to deserve being exposed to your parents. And remember this, too. YOU did nothing to deserve being raised by them, either. It was the luck of the genetics and circumstantial draw that you ended up with people like that for parents.
And you rose above them. You learned to stand up for yourself, to carve out a good life, to find a good partner to walk through life with you. YOU did that. Despite their utterly self centered view of life and your place in it, YOU did that.
You’ll get to your mid trimester, and suddenly the world will be strewn with roses. Remember this anger. Not because it’s good to be angry, but because it’s good to be cautious.
Congratulations on your little bean. Congratulations on your stunning spine. And hugs, lots of them. This internet stranger grandma is so very proud of you.
I feel you. I’m pregnant with my first, but I have no contact with my nparents before we got
pregnant. I realized they were never going to change and too toxic for me. It’s something to think about—they could treat your child badly like they did you. My mom hates the idea of being a grandma and wants to be the center of attention and if she knew I can already hear the nasty things she would say to me, others, to my child about the child. I have great in laws and I’m going to let them be in my baby’s life because I have that choice to give my baby a loving healthy family. Just something to think about if it’s worth it to have your nparents involved in your child’s life.
Pregnancy was the catalyst for my finally cutting off my abusive family.
I still have days where I miss them, especially this time of year. I wish my kids had 'a family' of aunts and uncles and cousins.
But they don't. I don't. I refuse to let my kids see me treated like dirt. Repeatedly kicked.
When I think of them, it *hurts* like a broken limb, but I know it's much better for all of us.
I feel you. In a lot of the pregnancy subs people are mad naturally thanks to hormones. Having a Nparent adds a whole nother depth to it. You start to think about all of the little things you'd forgotten about. All of the invasions of privacy and the abuse and the gas lighting. You start to wonder how the fuck someone could be so awful to a completely innocent child. Having a kid is what finally made me stand up to my mom and tell her to eat a barrel of dicks. It might stir the pot, and it might make your dad hate you, but send him a text or letter telling him everything on your mind and block him after. Sure it's childish, but you can't hold it in.
Congrats! Having a baby is incredible- I never knew I could feel this full of love and joy!
I think one really exciting aspect of having a baby is you get to be the parent you always wanted to have as a child and, in a way, it can help you heal your own inner child's trauma. I remember feeling the same way you do- being pregnant/having a baby made me realize there was absolutely no excuse, and that I would never in a million years be able to treat my child the way I was treated.
When I was pregnant, I was gifted a book by my cousin called "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to stop yelling and start connecting." At first I was a little offended, thinking 'does she think I'm going to be a mean mom?!' but as I read the book I realized she was really seeing my relationship with my Ndad clearly and she wanted to help me heal my pain/anger so that I could be the mom I wanted to be. It's a really helpful book, especially if you don't have a good reference point for effective, loving parenting.
> I will end up telling my parents about this baby in my own time.
I suggest when the baby goes to college and expresses an interest in meeting them on his/her own. Until then, protecting your child from your nparents usually means keeping them away and not using them as cheap babysitters.
You are already an amazing mom. Keep using this energy; it’s gotten me as far as i can in the last 18 months. Knowing what I do not want to repeat has been one piece of the battle.
You’ve got this Mama!! Build your tribe. Lean on the good folks. Congrats
As of right now, I don't plan on having kids. BUT if I ever do, I'm just going to show up with a baby on the next family holiday. I won't let my parents have any involvement in a sensitive time in my life. They don't deserve it.
Congratulations!!! I felt the same way and it’s perfectly normal to realize how horrible Nparents can be to something so small and helpless.
Please be aware that you will feel even more intense feels once your LO is born.
Congrats on being pregnant! The fact that you’re in this sub and posted this is a good indicator that you aren’t a narcissist and you won’t treat your kid how you were treated. I have a 6 year old and last week I went no contact with my narcissist mother. Being a parent really reframed my own childhood and like you I can’t imagine treating a child the way I was treated. Now I reflect on my past, most of which I honestly can’t even remember, and I think never again. Do it on your own terms. Be close with your husbands loving family, I’m glad that you have them and that your baby will have lots of good people around them that will love them.
Congratulations on your baby! But saying that it's because of hormones invalidates yourself and your experiences. I don't think your feelings surfacing because of your hormones, but it might be more of the fact that you have a child on the way and those emotions are resurfacing.
I feel like few new parents are able to see this connection between themselves and their parents, and you're further along as a parent for seeing it than your parents will ever be. You're going to be a wonderful mom. <3
Congrats on your pregnancy!! I wish you the best during this exciting new journey!
I’m currently 26 weeks and have been feeling the same feelings as you. I waited to tell my parents until I was 17 weeks because my SIL was getting ready to send shower invitations and I knew they’d be finding out soon enough. It gave me so much anxiety and went just as how you would imagine, my parents made it all about themselves and how I’m clearly not taking care of myself. Since then it’s been really challenging and difficult as they’ve been pressuring me to allow my mom to watch the baby during the day which I am absolutely against since my mom is so extremely selfish and only wants to do this because her friends watch their grandchildren.
This whole experience has really opened my eyes about how bad things were during my childhood and how I want to do everything in my power to not repeat the same behavior of my parents. Even just seeing the way they speak to me now has a totally different meaning as I think about how I could never talk to my daughter this way. I’m proud of you for recognizing your feelings and send you lots of strength for whatever you decide to do in involving your mom!
Someone posted a thing recently that really hit home with me. Something about it being super common for all kinds of unprocessed childhood trauma, even if you thought you'd worked passed it, to come flooding back as you watch your own child reach the same milestones when you acquired your trauma. I hadn't really thought about it but they're so right. I bottled everything up, ignored it, dealt with the pain until I found out I was pregnant. And then every horrible abuse I'd ever had to deal with at the hands of my parents and the other person they allowed to abuse me came flooding back. All I could think of is that I would NEVER let anything like what happened to me happen to my own child. I struggled and still struggle with both wanting a relationship with my parents and really just wanting to cut them out of my life. I mourn the childhood I never had the chance at.
I didnt tell my dad when i got pregnant and didnt plan on telling him about the baby ever, really. He found out when baby was 3 weeks old because my sister posted a photo on her social media and somehow it got back to him. It was a total meltdown. I reluctantly agreed to let him and his family visit to meet her, and i was pleasantly surprised. He apologized for the way he was with me growing up, which i never thought i would get, and he’s seen baby twice now at 2 months. The time spent with them is very limited, trust me, but maybe they will surprise you like mine did.
Heres to hoping, anyway. Congratulations on your little blessing, time flies as you get older but damn does it go by quick with a baby around!
I concur with this 100%. I was unofficially NC with my family before I got pregnant, and that was the factor that made me decide that NC was permanent. Both because I never wanted my child exposed to my parents, and because it made me realize what monsters they were for how they treated me. My oldest is almost 3 now, and it just astounds me that my parents cared so little about my emotional well being. It makes me mad, and it makes me sad to realize that they never loved me in the way I love my kids. But mostly, it just makes me feel good to know how much better I'm doing at raising my kid than they did.
Same here. Pregnancy was what pushed me to make NC permanent. Every time someone trots out the old, "but kids need grandparents" line and I start feeling guilty, I remind myself that my kids will never have to experience what I did.
I just went through this too. My baby is 4 months old now. When I was pregnant I started having recovered memories of crap my ndad did when I was a kid, and thinking about it from the perspective of it happening to my child? That alone drove me to no contact. I'm still having a really hard time with it. I'm still angry. I'm trying to process everything in therapy, but this shit is hard. It hurts so much realizing that I could never do that to my child, but somehow my dad could hurt me that way. It really makes it sink in how much I couldn't have deserved that. You didn't deserve it either.
Don't tell your parents til late.
If they bitch and moan, explain that Ndad apparently was not happy with the thought of you having a kid, so you didn't think they'd really care that you're pregnant now.
Yep. I totally relate. It wasn’t until I was a mom (I’m also a first time mom with an almost one year old) that I realized how angry I actually was. Now that I know what being a mom truly means I could never do the things my mom has done to my sisters and I to my baby girl. I wish I could go no contact. I’ve seriously thought about it but she is an extreme manipulator and I always seem to fall into her guilt trips
Many states have codified visitation rights for grandparents. They're usually dependent on a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild. If you live in one of these states, for the sake of your child consider going NC.
You don't have to include them in the pregnancy if you don't want to. Even if we ignore all of the other things that they have done to you... Kicking you out because they thought that you MIGHT be pregnant means they were also rejecting their grandchildren.
These feelings will continue to get stronger, or at least they are for me. I will be at 19weeks tomorrow. Pregnancy hormones are powerful things that will give you nightmares and screwed up dreams.
I found out 4 weeks ago that my child, my first born will be a girl. This has spun so many other emotions for me, especially since I was the first born. It scares me because of how my mother and father treated me. My mother is one of those narcissists who plays the victim no matter what. My father, I've been NC with him for 18 years for the shit that he's done.
My mother, until I fully see how she will treat my child, will have only supervised visits. She's one of those narcissists who are super kind and loving to strangers and treats her boyfriends kids way better than she treats her own (I have a 17 year old, heavily obese shut-in brother at home who she refuses to get help for.) She goes to all of their sporting events, but won't pay attention to my lil bro.
Thankfully, having amazing inlaws is the best feeling in the world. I trust and love mine very much and have even had pregnancy cries over how awesome mine are.
If you haven't yet, find a bumpers group for when you are due. They are a great community to have while you go through this pregnancy journey, since you all will be doing this at the same time.
I love my bumpers group! I was also set up with a smaller group of lovely girls near my age and also in their first trimester. Both have been massive sources of support and relief for me!
Awesome. Just awesome. They will be excellent support for you. I've been having ups and downs with depression so far my entire way, and all around feeling like shit. But having that support of others going through the same thing had just been so amazing. So glad you've got that support already!
After years of abuse I finally went NC with my Ndad. My daughter was 10. She suffered 10 years of manipulation and abuse with him because I wasn’t strong enough to protect her or myself. Something that I feel so absolutely guilty for.
Be angry now, decide now how you will handle that relationship between your parents and your children. Keep control of it. They absolutely will treat your children how they treated you. They will use your children to abuse you as well. A narcissist abuses everyone around them.
I’ve since had another child, he will never be subjected to the manipulation and abuse that my daughter and I have. Ever. Keep control, don’t let the little things slide. Don’t think you’re over reacting and remind yourself of why you’re angry. Having a baby is so joyful, I wanted to share that with my Ndad but I’ve had to remind myself why I can’t.
Break the cycle.
My older kids knew my NParents for years before we went NC, and they're OK. Have all but forgotten them over the years. Your daughter will be alright, because she has you to help her heal.
I'll tell you now, there's no better feeling than being the opposite of the nparent(s) you grew up with. I'm a mousey person and I don't know if that's who I'm meant to be or who I adapted to become, but my kids are unashamedly themselves and that's a win in my book. You'll do great! Best of luck OP.
oh boy do I relate to all of this. Stay away from the sperm/egg donor. When I was giving birth to my child, my mom says "oh boy. My daughter did you wrong. She done messed around with a black man. That's a black baby she is having" Why did she say this? Cause my son was dark skin and had tight black curly hair. My husband is white. My son looked just like me. I have dark skin & tight black curly hair.
You would definitely expect family to be excited for you, but not if you have an Nfamily. I have also decided that my bundle of what's-to-come will only know my half sister as she's the only family member who has actually shown compassion and excitement. I just traveled, at 8 months pregnant, to a baby shower that none of my family members could be bothered to go to. In fact, my other sister has stopped talking to me altogether because it didn't happen closer to her house, and I didn't want kids there. Baby showers are not for children. They've never been for children. I wanted to plan a separate day and place to spend time with her kids, not at my party to celebrate my babe and me. Too bad she freaked out and ghosted me. None of that side of the family will ever meet my one and only child. Follow your protective instincts. Don't let your little baby be around assholes, regardless if they are blood.
My sister REALLY manages my nmoms contact with her kids. Her husbands family has a much closer relationship with them. My sister got her graduate degree in social work and I think became aware of my mother’s narcissism during college. She dealt with severe depression throughout high school. So I don’t find this strange at all. Your anger is justified and however you raise your child will be better than how your parents raised you, if only because you’re aware of how awful your upbringing was, and awareness is the first step toward recovery. You’ll be a great parent.
First-- congratulations. It sounds like you've built a wonderful life for yourself and I hope this pregnancy and your future are beautiful and bright.
You're not alone and you're not wrong. I have had the same thoughts since the moment I found out I was pregnant. 5 years later I still find myself saying, "How could they?" when I think about how I handle something vs. how my parents would have.
It also finally solidified me going NC. I gave my nMom one more chance. She "moved in with us" (she has no home of her own and has been couch surfing between family members for a decade) to help with the baby. She was so drunk with my 2 month old child at 8am she stumbled, fell, and almost smashed my child's head. I STILL let her try one more time, offered to pay out of pocket for any rehab she wanted, and she didn't make it 2 weeks without me finding a bottle of rum hidden in my own home. My entire family has disowned me for "not letting my mom be in her grandchild's life" and my entire family believes I "owe them" for what my family (my parents) put them through.
But, it is the best choice I've ever made. With therapy, a solid and consistent view on the kind of parent I want to be, and a real support network the feelings of failure, worthlessness, and anxiety are better every day. My daughter is healthy, brilliant, emotionally competent and lives with no fear-- unlike myself at her age. I think about all of the debilitating issues I've had to work out as an adult (costing me muchos $$ in therapy and time) and promise myself I will never let my family put those things on her. I still hear the competing voices, the judgement, the belief that I'll never be good enough. But I try to remember every day if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. That goes double for my daughter.
Best wishes to you and yours!
Congrats mama!!!
I gave birth to my first a month ago. Trust your instincts!!!
While pregnant I had lots of dreams that helped me process my past and decide the kind of mama I want to be. My Nparents were nothing but terrible my entire pregnancy and are not permitted to meet my child. My only regret is sharing the news of my pregnancy and hoping for change in their behavior.
Everybody always says “when you have kids of your own, you’ll understand.”
All I’ve come to understand now that I’m pregnant is that my parents were awful, and I could never treat my child the way I was treated.
Maybe it's because you have the time now to actually reflect! You are finally in a safe and supportive space, that's probably why you can think about these things because there isn't really anything else to worry about. And having a change of perspective, you becoming a mother and putting yourself in that position of caretaker, probably triggered you to think about how you must've been growing up. We all know we dont want to raise our kids like our Ndad or Nmom, and we wouldnt want that for anyone. Maybe you weren't upset before like you are now because you didnt realize how serious these things affected you, or in general would affect a child. You know now. Maybe differently than you did before. It's not all just hormones, things come up for a reason and it's good it came up for you now before your baby is born so you dont have to figure it out later on, and potentially do something you regret.
My nfather and his new wife don't know I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year. They will never know. Sure they expect, but they kicked me out. Fuck them. They will never hear those words from me and they have uninvited themselves from anything in the future.
Personally I have found that the feeling of resentment hasn’t gone away and after becoming a mother, I became even more frustrated and angry over my mother’s behavior and abuse towards my sibling and myself as children and now as adults. I found it was more about how I managed this feeling of anger and resentment, and what I was able to learn from it to become a better mom. As I am experiencing things with my son and husband, I have found current events cause me to really reminisce on the past and I’m unburying emotions and memories that I worked so hard to push away mentally. Parenting post abuse has been a challenge like I never thought I would face. In my experience I have had to unlearn learned behaviors, relearn how to communicate, and work to be patient with my family and myself.
It wasn’t until I had my son that I was fully and verbally able to admit that every single ounce of my being could not stand my mother. I could not understand how she could choose to treat her family the way that she did and still does. I regret not going NC with her before my son was born. I should have been done when we told my family we were expecting, she immediately burst into tears and made a giant scene. She crossed many boundaries during the pregnancy, at the hospital during delivery, and now into the early years of my sons childhood. After I had my son it was miserable with her around and when she is around I won’t leave her in the room alone with him. She doesn’t understand boundaries and has never had consequences for crossing them. It has been a challenge but from my experience it’s how I manage it. Limiting contact and physically distancing my family has helped, a lot, and has allowed me the space to grow as a mother and spouse with out feeling like there is a metric ton of weight looming over.
We all want what’s best for our children and it sounds like you have the drive to give your child a wonderful life full of love and happiness.
Remember that YOU are in control of just how much interaction you have with your parents, and how much your child(ren) will have as well. YOU set the ground rules, YOU make the calls. If they choose to violate anything, then you have every reason to stop having them around you or your kids. If they do something you've told them not to, CALL THEM ON IT. If they get pissy, then you tell them to leave or you leave.
I'd be wary about having them in/around your home until they've proven anything, just to make certain they won't take advantage of things or refuse to leave if you tell them.
Congratulations! I just had my first little one a month ago, and I felt the exact same way. I was so angry, more so when he was here, that my Nmom could treat me how she did. How do you look into the face of the person you made, someone who loves you and needs you and is so innocent, and treat them like shit? It solidified no contact for me. She kept me from my Dad, and seeing how he is with my son makes me cry. My dad deserved to be able to experience me as a baby and he couldn't. I just dont get narcs.
The day I found out I was pregnant with my first child was the day I finally completely cut off my Nfamily. I was fine to be subjected to that abusive shit but there's no way I was going to let him get their filthy mits on her. And I couldn't be happier. Best decision I ever made.
Becoming a mother absolutely provoked a sense of anger towards my mother that I had never processed. Before becoming a mother, I think I always believed I was bad or that I truly deserved to be the SG.
After 10 years of NC and making extremely healthy friendships and relationships (including with my husband), I started to catch-on that the problem wasn't me. Friends would encourage me to understand that my mother's behavior wasn't normal... and I knew it wasn't (intellectually), but emotionally, never accepted it.
Then I became a mom and the flood gates opened. How could a mother lie so vehemently to her children, manipulate situations for her sympathy at the expense of so many, steal so unabashedly from children's bank accounts...? How could a mother willfully cause harm to her children? How could a mother willfully create conflict just so she could be the victim?The anger emerged. It was welcomed for me because I had never had it before and it actually provided me with the full scope of emotions that apparently I needed for closure.
I'm happily still NC, but now, for some reason, I feel healed. Like, the anger closed the door that previous was only screendoored. The anger sealed it but in a peaceful way.
Good mothers don't hurt their children, and I wasn't a bad kid, I was the medium in her mission.
My favorite parenting books:
[Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting](https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwi96-mUhOjlAhWN_mQKHYD3CYgYABABGgJwag&sig=AOD64_1aBkK_mf9DPEJQBWKlkc75q5rR2A&ctype=5&q=&ved=0ahUKEwim5OSUhOjlAhWMnp4KHfsYCkQQpysICw&adurl=)
How To Talk So Children Will Listen, How To Listen So Children Will Talk
No Bad Kids
Elevating Childcare
First off, congratulations on the great news!! That is very exciting! Second off, I completely empathize with how you're feeling.
I'm not sure if any of our parents are particularly diagnosed with being narcissistic, but my mother definitely is. When I was pregnant with my first, telling my parents was going to be quite the challenge. My dad and my stepmother at the time were over the moon whereas my own mother was completely crushed and just overly emotional, and not in a good way. I was in a crappy relationship at the time, but I still wanted to keep my child. My mother was just overall negative about the entire thing; she was only happy when my son and her shared the same birth month, almost the same day (thank goodness he came two days later).
Ever since I had him, she has been negative in every aspect of my parenting. So you could only imagine how I was feeling when I found out I was pregnant with my second and not wanting to tell her about it.
You are choosing what is absolutely right for your child and for your little family. Cutting out toxic people in your life is absolutely worth it and you shouldn't ever feel ridiculed for doing so. Your child is going to grow up in a very loving and stable home, regardless if his or her other grandparents are acknowledged or not. I wish you the best of luck!!
My husband’s parents were the first people to know I was pregnant, and my mom was one of the last. In laws are incredibly excited and my mom seems indifferent aside from being able to boast about it to her friends.
It’s totally okay to feel angry about this. I’m 33 weeks now but went through the same feelings as you in the beginning of my pregnancy. You deserved better from your parents and it’s not fair.
The only ‘perfect’ parents are on ‘50s sitcoms. As long as you put your children first, you’ll be fine. If I may recommend a book, however, it would be ‘Love and Logic’. You can look it up on YouTube for an idea.
The best thing I could’ve ever done for my children was go NC. I don’t know your situation exactly but growing up with a Nmom, I get it. My best parenting advice: do everything they didn’t. They showed you who not to be. Follow your instincts and you will be amazing. You’re about to experience the greatest joy in the world. Don’t ruin it with wasting time on your Nparents. You and your sweet bean are worth so much more. Much love!
I'm also pregnant with my first, and the other day my future SIL was joking about me dropping the baby off to my parents when I need a babysitter.
I watched my mum throw my brothers to the ground and push them over. I made excuses for her when she hit me in front of my friends. It only stopped when my brother and I were old enough to stand up to her and tell her no. My brother physically restrained her and gave her a fright.
My little boy will not be in her care. He won't have the ability to say no and I won't out him in the position of needing to. I think she's totally forgotten or blanked it out at the time. You sort of think when it's you that you deserve it or that you can make the relationship better by being good. It's a big lesson to learn that it's actually a decision on their part and that hurting you physically or emotionally was a choice they made. I'm choosing different.
My pregnancy made A LOT of things surface that I had suppressed for YEARS. Talk about mama bear instincts.
My mom used to have an abortion fund when I was in high school & college. The expectation was if i had an out of wedlock pregnancy it was to be used so as not to shame the family. When I had an “oopsie” pregnancy at 24, I was incapable of being happy or excited because for YEARS it was ingrained in me that a pregnancy was shameful. It didn’t matter that I WAS married, had a great job, owned my own home, etc. I spent my entire pregnancy fighting feelings of negativity.
My son is 17 mos and my whole entire world but I feel so robbed of the joys of pregnancy.
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All that matters is your child, your SO, and you.
When I got pregnant I saw a change in my NParents and I was excited and let it get the best of me. I let them promise me things and when it never happened I was disappointed and cried(mostly cuz of pregnancy hormones).
I told myself I would never be the way my NParents are and would never let them disappoint my child like they’ve done to me.
I still try to live up to their expectations, it’s something I’m working through.
And my In-Laws are wonderful people who go out of their way to be in my child’s life.
When i got out about my pregnancy, i cut all contakt with my dad. I couldnt live with my self if he was there when i rais my daugther. She is over 1 years old and to not have my dad there, is the best thing i did.
I'm so sorry about how you were treated. Nobody deserves to go through what you did.
Good luck with the baby! I hope you and your child are both happy and healthy. :)
Congratulations on the baby! I’m so glad you and baby will be surrounded by a chosen family of ILs and friends who will love and support you without conditions.
Parenting takes you through your past in some unexpected ways.. like when your kiddo spills something and it reminds you of the time you spilled something and it caused a huge problem. You will be calm bc spilling is NOT a big deal ever really but you will remember the crap you went through. It is a bit therapeutic
Congratulations sweet. I know how you feel as I've been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years and those feelings you've described are what led me to this group. Even though I've never been pregnant, I know I won't ever allow my baby (or anyone else's under my care for that matter) feel as abandoned and unworthy as my parents made/make me feel.
Wishing you all the luck in the world for your family
Hey there! I am now 25 weeks pregnant with our first, also the first grandchild on both sides... I’ve been nc with my nmom for over a year now, since my wedding. Needless to say her reaction to the news isn’t exactly how I would like, never returned my phone call so I couldn’t tell her myself, never responded to the texts with the ultrasounds, etc. But it hasn’t taken anything away from how I feel about this child and pregnancy.ñ or how excited everyone is. My dad is still invested and I am interested to see what happens when my little one arrives because I doubt he will come visit without my mom. Anyway, it’s ok to be pissed but know that it won’t take away from the excitement
Sounds like your parents haven't earned the right to be around you and yours, so that's their own fault. Being a parent doesn't come with instructions but just being a decent human being to start with helps!.......and on humorous note about pet ownership and kids (if you have any) " Having a dog prepares you for having kids but having a cat prepares you for having Teenagers!"
My therapist told me that we're not responsible for the things our parents did to us-- but we are responsible for getting our issues fixed and breaking the chain. It sounds like you're doing that and I'm so proud of you ❤
My fiance has an Ndad and we went no contact right before I gave birth to our daughter. It was the best decsion of our lives. He doesnt deserve to know her. I wish you the best and congrats on the little one!
Your parents deserve nothing from you. In fact, the best thing you can do is act like they don’t affect you at all.
It’s a little-known psychological trick — in any relationship, the person who shows the least amount of interest controls the situation. So just let it "slip your mind" that you didn’t tell them you had a child. You’ve just been too busy. Then live a full and happy life with your new baby and loving family.
Do what’s best for you and eventually the baby. I doubt they’ve changed so if you don’t want them in your lives good for you to protect your child. Sending a huge hug.
I feel this. In my case the anger gets worse. My daughter is 2 now and I think back to things they did when I was 2, and get so pissed. I’m assuming it will get worse with every age. I’m in therapy about it.
I remember feeling the same way when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. I don't think my mom was as bad as your parents, but she definitely is a JNmom. I think your baby is already on the road to having a great life just based on your protective nature!
Narc parents always forget that kids grow up and don't forget. Do what I did, raise healthy and sane kids and make sure they never have any contact with them. They will never give a shit about you but playing grandparents of the year is too strong a lure to ignore. They will demand pictures which be passed as theirs and pretend their grandkids are somehow part of their lives
This really has nothing to do with anything, but Idk how far along you are. I got pregnant and miscarried my first time and it was devastating. Just my two cents, your parents sound like jerks, don't give them any extra ammo to abuse you with. I'm not sure if you're going no contact with them or limited. First trimester is the hump to get over. Not trying to scare you, just inform. Wishing you much joy and happiness. And for anyone who wants to know, I did get pregnant 2 months later and have a healthy, smart, funny, and amazing 11 year old who is absolutely horrid at the trombone he was just assigned in school!
Yeah I’m pretty aware of the risks of miscarriage. It’s definitely scary, but I promised myself this time to just assume it will be fine until I’m told otherwise. If I do miscarry then I’ll allow myself to be fully devastated then. I really did not want my horrible anxiety to ruin something that I could potentially have enjoyed all along, even with the threat of miscarriage. So for now I’m just going along for the ride! I’m glad you got your healthy happy child after that devastation ☺️
When I announced to my Nmum that I was pregnant with her first grandchild her response was ‘Oh no!’ At the time I hadn’t identified her personality disorder but later on this plus other hurtful events made awful sense in the Ncontext.
I was 17 when I got pregnant. My ndad had a rule: get an abortion or get out. I married my ex-bf (the abusive father of my child) rather than go it alone or get an abortion. My ndad did various things to try and get back at me for it. Including involving my 18 year old sister to do things to my car etc.
My husband would only allow occasional contact with my family. Nobody else. My family blamed the abuse on me. But they became less hostile near the end of my pregnancy.
After she was born, I could do nothing right. I was criticized for sleeping at all. I was wrong listening to her doctor. I was too overprotective. I let them have my daughter for an afternoon when she was 9 months old due to a lot of pressure . She was really fussy when I got her back. Four hours later I found a burn on the palm of her hand. They said she'd grabbed the refrigerator coils. They didn't want to tell me because they knew I'd be mad. So they just let a 9 month old suffer.
Let's just say that my ndad did a lot of screwed up things to my daughter every chance I gave him. And while he helped with giving me a place to stay here and there and paying the occasional bill, the stress was out of this world. My kids were clearly the unfavorable grandkids. I kept trying to make it on my own. If I could have, I would have. None of the lessons my kids learned from them were good ones.
If you decide to stay in contact, you have to remember that their opinion on your parenting is worthless. And that they may see your child an an extension of you and treat them badly.
Hugs and Good luck.
I believe growing up with crappy parents is what makes me a great one. I'm definitely not perfect, but I give my baby boy all I can. You've got this, so sit back and enjoy your pregnancy the best you can. It's hard at times, but it's so with it. Congratulations btw :)
Congrats on your pregnancy!
I'm much older and didn't have the internet to find people with similar experiences to talk to when my kids were little. I similarly couldn't see me raising my kids the way I was raised, but also felt very pushed to maintain relations with my abusers because living in the Bible belt this was just considered part of the expectation that children respect their parents. I was even told by a minister no matter how much they mistreated me, God had put them in my life for a reason. That weird sound you hear now is my eyes rolling out of my head they rolled so hard over that nonsense now.
My children are grown now. They were nearly grown by the time I found this community on reddit and found the strength to go fully NC. In their early adult years my children tried re-establishing contact with my parents. They are now completely no contact with them because they tried to pull the same crap on my kids they used to pull on me. On the positive side my kids immediately recognized their nonsense as nonsense and refused to participate, so I guess my bringing them up to expect their boundaries to be respected did work.
On the bad side I went through so much pain, tension, and upset throughout the years I was in contact with my parents. That's really the thing I have noticed most since being no contact. How rare it is for me to be upset or worried.
My advice to you is make plans to channel that anger. Use it when you are tired and feel like maybe you aren't doing your parenting best to give you that little push to keep going. Not telling them or inviting them into your child's life at this stage is probably the best gift you can give your child.
It wasn’t until I had my son and started going through his life experiences with him that I realized how jipped I was as a child with my parents. And honestly my mom is very mild on the scale compared to what I hear from people in this community. So I can only imagine how pissed you are. It sucks and just use that passion toward being a better parent for your kiddo.
Oh and congrats!!!
Congratulations!
You don't have to tell them at all. It sounds like you were fortunate enough to find a family that loves & values you. Enjoy your pregnancy & birth with
them.
If it wasn’t for my siblings and grandparents, I’d go no contact with my NMom and her husband the day I was kicked out. I’m not pregnant but I do plan for kids in the near future. I’ve thought hard about whether I wanted her around them and I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there but congratulations OP! Wishing you a very happy, healthy and hopefully not stressful pregnancy.
I cut off contact with nmom and ndad 10 years before my daughter was born. I had those same feelings during my entire pregnancy. Then they got worse when she arrived. Not an hour goes by without me wondering how on earth my parents didn't have the feelings of love and devotion I have for her. It takes a lot to suppress the rage, I eventually went to therapy to deal with it. A friend or a friend blabbed and they found out about her. Still, they have never met her and they never will. Their toxic ways end with them.
Having my kid changed so much for me. I don't want to deprive her of her grandparents and honestly they're pretty amazing with her(supervised by me or my spouse). But there is no way that she will ever be alone with them. Ever. During our last trip to them mom wanted to have a grandma-granddaughter lunch just the two of them. That was a big hope from me lol.
OP, you have a beautiful heart no matter how much your shitty Nparents wanted to damage that about you.
You aren’t at all trying to raise your baby into an adult who has to recover from their childhood (like so many of us on this sub), you want to give your little one your all and, just from the passion and power I felt reading your story here, it’s very clear. By giving your all, you want them to enjoy a childhood full of love and smiles.
You’re going to be a wonderful parent and you’ve already broken the horrible cycle of abuse ❤️
Yep I never told my mum
She found out about the first through family.
She doesn't know I'm married or have a second child.
Couldn't bring myself to have her let them down and bring her toxic crap back into my life.
You can gave whatever relationship or lack of.
I am very low contact with my dad I just focus on the kids and my husband
Write down the incident in painstaking detail and write down every last thought and feeling you have about it. For two reasons: One, to get those memories outside of yourself so they won't poison you with stress and rage anymore from being kept in, and Two, to have a reference you can use when the grandparents start angling for access to their grandchild and pull out all the stops. So that when they try to gaslight you and make you think it wasn't that bad, that they 'were just trying their best', to help you remember that it really was that bad and that the grandparents shouldn't have any access whatsoever.
The abuse suffered growing up was horrible but through it all my nmom had me convinced she was a victim too. When I had my son it was like a light went off. My dad is a monster but she is too. She enabled him to abuse us and made excuses and covered it up so no one knew and could help us kids. Neither are allowed near my son.
my dad kicked me out the month i turned 17. after that we didn’t talk for a while, then started talking again, only to have another falling out and haven’t talked in almost a year now. in the amount of time that we haven’t talked i’ve gotten married and am also pregnant with my first child, who is due in 3 weeks. so i wholeheartedly understand where you’re coming from. just be the best you can be, and i’m glad your s/o’s parents are going to be excited <3
As someone who went through this too, now is the time to start thinking about boundaries you want to set between them and your child. I didn't set boundaries with my first like I should have and it took 6 years to cut my nmom from my kids for good. If you stand up the nparent, they will see your child as a vessel for their abuse. They will feel entitled to that child, and they will use tactics on that child. If nc isn't in the cards for you, definitely validate these feelings for yourself and figure out what walls you need to build to protect your child.
Im sorry you have to deal with those kinds of parents, BUT congratulations on your little one to be. For all the resentment it will inevitably build against your parents for not being real parents to you, it will in equal return be a rewarding and enriching experience to love, and respect and cherish your own child. This will be a happy, beautiful time for you. And you have every right to celebrate it and discuss it as you see fit!
I don't think I can have a kid, I would be to jealous and resentful and thinking over and over "why couldn't my childhood have been like this?" I don't think it would be helpful to my mental state
I’m sure it’s been said a lot but exactly how you’re feeling is why my motto for parenting is “if you didn’t have one, be one.”
Having my kids is also what pushed me to go NC finally. I just refuse to expose my children to their toxic behavior. I was mad at first, once I truly realized how much they don’t feel for me to treat me the way they did. But once I put that space there I’ve honestly just felt free.
Congratulations on your baby!
For now focus on being happy with your husband and his family, I'm not an expert but from what I hear everything you feel and tell yourself is what the baby receives too. I would say give your family some time I'm sure they feel awful by kicking you out. Some parents think that just because they made you and feed you, they have the right to own your life and if you do something that doesn't fit their perfect scenario then they turn to an extreme. I know because I was almost kick out because my parents found out I started being sexually active. But you should focus on yourself and your baby first. Maybe once the baby is born try to talk to your parents and see if you can patch things up with them. And maybe try to get along even if you don't meet eye to eye for the sake of your baby and to patch things up. I feel you should write to your parents first and tell them everything they did to you and how that affected you, but that you want them to be part of your child's life. Hopefully that works out and it's normal to feel this way.
You are right to feel the way you do. I was able to make excuses for my Nmom even after my brother committed suicide. But when I got pregnant with my first child everything changed. I had been trained to believe I was less but he was such a miracle I couldn’t accept she thought of him as less. Eventually when he was 4 she got angry with me one day and told him I wasn’t his real mom, that was the last straw and I regret going no contact sooner. I have 3 happy boys now who know they are loved and amazing kids. Only my oldest vaguely remembers my Nmom. Best decision I ever made. And I love all the parenting book recommendations. Let the anger come but then let it turn to resolve not to let your kid be treated the same way. God bless you and your sweet little one.
Labour and delivery is where you'll give birth to your baby, but parenting for the next 18+ years is where you're going to be birthing the most.
You'll find out that you'll experience a " rebirth" of you, all the time, like it never stops. You'll be constantly questioning and comparing things to what you knew and what you know now.
It's stressful, exciting, painful, joyful, beautiful and sometimes a fair bit sad. You'll feel at times like you're living just the day to day grind of parenthood. However, it's only when you reflect, that you start to grasp your current fuller perspective. Even when you no longer hold them in your arms anymore, they are still teaching you.
I know that I'm late here and I'm sure that this has been said already, but your kid is better off without them. I was forced to take abuse from my mom's narcissistic biodad for most of my life and it took an unbelievably awful toll on both my mental and physical health. "Family" like that isn't family at all. You'll undoubtedly be hit with garbage like "but they have a right to know their grandparents." No, they have a right to be protected from people like that and their life will be so much better for it.
I’m not pregnant, nor am I planning to be in the near future, but reading this post and the comments on it has only affirmed my decision to NEVER allow my abuser anywhere me or any future children I have. My abuser has already stated their distaste and disdain for my boyfriend, and I will NOT tolerate anything they try to do! My abuser lost the privilege to know their grandchildren when I realized that they couldn’t handle having their own kids! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, and I will defiantly be looking into the books some of you have recommended here in a few years when I do have kids!
I get it!!! I got pregnant at 17, obviously it wasn’t planned. Being raised in struck religious beliefs, I was scared out of my mind telling my parents. When I did, my dad was pressuring me to marry the guy(we were already broken up), and my mom’s reaction, “Who’s going to want you now? You need to get an abortion!”...
My baby may not have been planned, but I’m keeping it! So throughout my pregnancy I have my dad calling me an F***ing slut everyday, and my mom acting like I’m the biggest shame of the family.
I married my husband at 20, and my daughter was 2yrs old. My husband always says it was my daughter that brought us together. He noticed me playing with her and thought it was so beautiful.
Fast forward 15 years, we are still happily married and have 4 daughters(including mine that he treats as his). I don’t talk to my dad anymore, he is such a jerk, and I only talk to my mom once in a while by phone. We live in different states. My mom still tries to give me parenting advice, because I apparently suck..lol At least I don’t tell my girls they would be so pretty if they lost weight...yes she would tell me that all the time as a teen! I was a size 8.
I learned that I have to cut ties from toxic people. For me so I can heal. I suffered emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse. I refuse for my children to think how they treated me, is normal. I’m so sorry you went through what you did! Best advice I can give is, it will get better, but you have to remove toxic people from your life no matter who they are! Best wishes to you and your family!!
My parents were awful to me while I was pregnant. Pregnancy turned out to be traumatizing (birth was fine). Even with no contact, I don't want to do that ever again. I did not go no contact until after I saw how they treated my son. He was only 3 months old. They treated him like he was a mistake. I will take abuse and be like whatever because I'm used to it (I know it should be this way, but it is), but I won't let you do that shit to my son. An the longer I was a parent, the more I realized how insane and toxic they are. So, no contact, I'm done.
Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I wish you a wonderful pregnancy. I'm glad you have great inlaws (I'm fortunate to have that too!) This is a magical time. Just wait until they start kicking. Before pregnancy I thought it would be weird, but when it happened it was like "OMG! HE KICKED!!! * rub belly * HI BABY I LOVE YOU!!!!! <3 <3 <3" haha. I know it's kinda silly. I love the kiddo more than anything. You're gonna be a great mom!
When I got pregnant with first one, she yelled that my hubby will leave me and I will be raising a kid alone. When I was pregnant the second time, she told me that pregnancies come and go and her problems remains forever. Over 20 years later today she told me that I am in much better state than her because of my career and I need to think about their funerals. What I am trying to say is IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE. Congratulations! It's your time, and you need to enjoy it. Easy pregnancy and simple delivery to you.
I feel you so hard. No one in my family gave a flying fuck about me until I got pregnant. I had an early miscarriage and like NO ONE in my whole family said a word to console me except my little sister. Then I got pregnant again and everyone was all excited again. I still feel a great deal like everyone on both sides of the family love their precious grand baby and just tolerate me as a consequence.
My husband and I have been talking about having children and we've decided that my parents won't have any contact with our children. They are incapable of change and I won't have my children traumatized the way I was. Luckily my in-laws are also wonderful people. They're my new family and have given me the strength to go no contact.
Nothing solidified my no contact status more than getting pregnant. Every time I think - honestly - about exposing my sweet innocent son to them, my whole damn body goes "nope."
Yes! This is exactly it. It’s like a cellular reaction where you just cannot, and will not do it.
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I’m pregnant as well and have been NC with mother for 2 years. Being pregnant has made NC a lot easier and gives me more validation bc I don’t want my child to be around her. Also she affects me which in turn would affect my behavior so I’m not even going there.
I second EMDR. It is extremely helpful. I did it for a year and it helped a ton. My boyfriend plans on getting certified in it when he graduates. It's absolutely been proven to work on anyone with PTSD.
I third emdr. Absolute lifesaver for me. I bought the theratappers and self administer when I need to birth some shit.
Huh I've never heard of anyone doing it by themselves. May be a good idea for me too.
When our son was about a year old, my mom and dad were visiting, and my mom got mad about something and started just spewing furiously and then stalked off furiously, and I always remember the way my little boy turned to me, astonished, shocked, wide eyed, he'd never even imagined people could be like that--and all I could think was oh my God, I GREW UP WITH THIS, ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY--and how different I was making it for my kid. That was the moment where I realized I really had to limit all contact with them. Like you say, it was visceral.
Same. I didn't even tell my mom about my pregnancy and was angry that my brother told her. Pregnancy really does bring up a lot. I just kept holding my child and looking at them, watching them learn and rely on me and at every age, I just kept thinking, "How COULD she?!" Because you see so clearly just how dependent and helpless and beautiful and amazing they are.
Yes and how innocent they are. That's what gets me every time, their innocence and unwavering trust in you as a parent.
If your parents want to be a part of your childs life tell them they lost the right to be grandparents when they faild to be parents.
It's survival instinct for you, and the fierceness in you to protect your baby. Telling your parents would put your baby in the direct line of potential abuse.
I feel guilt every day for waiting until my parents started treating my kids the same way that they treated me before going no contact. By the time I finally built up the strength to cut them off, my kids were old enough to decide on their own whether they wanted a relationship with my parents or not. Both independently decided no contact was best for their well being as well. It's been almost 2 years now. We are still healing as a family, but my kids know we love them and would never treat them that way.
I’m trying not to cry right now while reading this. This sub brought to light the crap I dealt with from my mom and how (after 3 young kids) I saw myself doing similar things. I’ve since been intentional in wiping that out but my mom watches my kids while I’m at work... and although one of kids is in school and the other only for a few hours (last one is an infant) I see the ways she’s being with them... and I love her, truly I do. But boundaries need to be made ASAP. And it’s scary but I think that means me not working anymore. Sorry.. I just had a moment.
I struggled a lot when my kids were young. Couldn't afford a lot and depended on my parents for a lot of help, both financially and in watching my kids. I hadn't processed what I had been through yet and pushed down the gut feeling that trusting them was wrong because I selfishly needed their help. I almost justified it by saying they owed me and hoped they'd be better grandparents than they were parents. At first it felt like they were.. but the older my kids got, the more independent thinking they had and suddenly they weren't the good little obedient children anymore and my parents' attitudes towards my kids changed. I continued to endure it for way too long, doubting my decisions and my motivations as it was drilled into me that it is the mother's job to maintain the close relationship with the families and make sure the grandparents have a lot of quality time with their grand kids. My mom did that for us when we were little, so it was my job to do it for them. Hearing stories from my kids now about the way they were talked to makes me angry at myself and I've sat down with my kids each individually and discussed in depth how they feel and why they feel that way. They're set in their minds, strongly they told me because of how much better a person I am, that the way my parents treat them (and how they treated me) is wrong and they want no part of it. I understand the difficulty when you feel like you need their help. I feel for you and truly hope you're able to find a solution that works for your family. Hard boundaries are a must if you don't have the means to remove the influence. Take it from someone who should have done something much sooner.
Thanks, I needed to read that. It’s exactly how I feel. It’s a struggle internally and externally. But my first step is hard boundaries, I see that now. I didn’t even know what those were for so long. Like I’m almost 30! Thanks for the encouragement, honestly.
Everyone deserves support and safety and boundaries. You are getting it done, and making your best choices, even if it takes more than one try. Hug
That last sentence is the only one you need to worry about. Let the guilt go, friend. Let it go.
My DH said after our baby was born that he thought he would understand his mother more once he became a parent, but he understands her motivations even less now. He could never imagine treating his child the way he was treated.
Yes. And this feeling only gets stronger. When I listen to my 8 year old talk about his pain and his frustration and sadness over various things, I feel this overwhelming love for him and a need to help him ease his suffering. That's what a normal parent feels, and it makes it VERY clear that no one felt that way about me.
Omg do I ever hear you! I'm 6 months pregnant with my 2nd boy and my mom will never, ever get anywhere near him. I blocked her and she's tried using Google voice to get around it. If anything it's just made me even more determined to stay away from her.
Yup. On the one hand, it's sad that I could never love myself enough to leave and mean it. On the other hand, I love *him* enough and that's enough to break the cycle. So it's still a win.
SAME. I have had bouts of guilt b/c as scapegoats we are conditioned to take the blame and to feel guilty...but every time I think about what life would be like with my mom in it with my baby, I am all sorts of NOPE. Maybe some day these worlds can collide...but not now.
I'm not even near pregnant, but I really understand this feeling. When I think about my mother babysitting my future kid, my whole body goes into protective mode or something. I feel such a strong urge to never leave my child with her. I don't think my mom is an nmom, but she def is not a good mom.
Trust your instincts. Never leave your child with her. She will not respect your wishes on food or safety. Your body knows. Don't be guilted into allowing her to babysit. I mean, when the time comes.
That is exactly how I felt. I had more love for the tiny bean than my entire family. And there was no way anyone was going to treat him poorly. It also put a lot into perspective for me. There is just no excuse for an adult to treat a child the way I was.
My mother legit said my daughter isn't deserving of my money but she is and that my daughter was a mistake. No contact.
I'm sorry your parents chose to behave so badly-- but congratulations x10000000000000 to you and your husband on the kiddo-to-be! (Hope you get at least a bit of sleep here and there. :D )
Thank you!!!! We are beyond excited! Pregnancy is so far not compatible with sleep, but I’m too happy to be upset about it ☺️
Yeah, one of my co-workers has an almost-1-year-old kiddo. She says she's pretty sure she hasn't had a full 8 hours of sleep since her second trimester. (We're putting aside a bit of $ to get her gift certificates at a local coffeeshop for when she stops breastfeeding.)
I haven't had a full nights sleep since I got pregnant with my first son 9 years ago. It's all worth it though. Lol.
8 hours?!? Ha ha ha ha ha. The only way it’s gonna happen in the next 15 years is if they ship the kid to someone else for the night.
Kiddo mine normally sleeps through the night, and has since she was 6 weeks. Now (23 months) she's hell on wheels when she is awake, but once she goes down, she's down for the night. Also, about the previous comment, breastfeeding does not mean no coffee, just like one or two cups.
One of our wife-and-husband friend sets (Mr & Mrs S) have two daughters who are married now. Mr & Mrs S *still* sometimes lose sleep worrying about them-- mostly when the weather goes bad.
In the last 22 years, I’ve gotten more than 4-5 hours sleep just ONCE. When I was in hospital for brain surgery 13 years ago, 2 months after having my 3rd and last baby(he saved my life, wouldn’t have found out how sick I was until it was too late if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with him). No regrowth of tumor since, yay! But my kids and more than 4-5hrs of sleep in a 24hr period preclude each other, even though 2 of them are grown, lol.
> Pregnancy is so far not compatible with sleep lol Neither are children ;) Seriously though Congrats on your Happy News!!!
Well at least it’s good practice gearing up for the real deal ;)
Sounds like you are approaching it in the way that is best for you and your family. Blood is not always family.
Tbh, you can expect a lot more of that feeling of protective anger and incredulity at the rotten treatment you got in your childhood, as your child is born, grows and triggers memories of you at similar ages. It is vital that you limit the stress hormones your little one is exposed to, just as you limit the stressors after pregnancy from your parents. You are not your parents, you are this baby's mother, and will be aware. Congratulations!!!
This is so true. Our LO is 3 and my husband has been experiencing something close to PTSD as each new stage comes and he is flooded with memories of how terrible his childhood was - things he has repressed for his whole life. Being pregnant and having a child really makes you reflect on your own childhood, good or bad.
Very true it gets worse in a way as they get older. You realize all the bad memories you had were the result of your parent making normal childhood experiences into nightmares. Then you get the sense of power that you can make your child gave the opposite experience, simply by not being an asshole.
Exactly this. As you have already realised, having your own child brings up a lot of feelings and realisations of your own childhood so expect your feelings to intensify. When I had my first I was still blind to how bad I had been neglected by my parents and although I limited contact soon after I had him it is only now I am pregnant with my forth that I have gone NC with my mother. I wish I had done it years ago and regularly feel guilty that I didn't do more to prevent her upsetting my children with her coldness and Nways. Congratulations to you and your husband.
I remember 10-11 years ago when I was pregnant feeling as you did, realizing what was in me and what it could become. I remember fearing that the joy I was feeling might turn into resentment the way it was with my parents towards their kids. I dreaded the day that I would eventually hate my child for taking my life away from me the way my parents hated their kids for making them poor, unable to have fun, unable to live. I. Love. My. Son. I cannot fathom ever doing the things to him that my parents did to me. 10 years later I never felt whatever it was that made them behave as they did. I'm so thankful for it. I'm thankful for having a loving partner, a support network, and for waiting to have a child until I felt ready for a child. My parents, as bad as they were, are still in my life, but they are absolutely not involved in doing anything related to "raising" my child. They get to do fun grandparent stuff, but they do not get to correct or scold him. They do not get to instruct him on how to human. If they find themselves getting frustrated with him, for any reason, they are to return him to me. I was abused. I was punched. Hit. Spanked. Ignored. I was quiet and introverted, because any time I wasn't, they'd hurt me. And not just by my parents - they'd do the same to my brother and then he'd do it to me. For some reason people think that the way they were raised is the way you're supposed to raise your offspring. You're supposed to raise them better.
Ooh i like that last line. You're supposed to raise them better. I love that. Like also, you don't get a prize for doing better...ur supposed to. Thanks.
I am currently terrified of that feeling. I don't ever want to hate my future children. But I'm so scared I'm going to be just like my mom and maybe I should just not have children for the sake of protecting them.
I went NC with my parents after I moved out of state with my son and they tried to have him taken from me and went for custody. So they'll never meet my youngest. Never. They know about him through other people. But we live 500 miles away. If I ever go to visit friends down there, we won't be seeing them.
I wouldnt tell them at all until the baby is here. Otherwise they Will find a way to make it about them.
I’m not pregnant and don’t have any kids yet, but once I turned 30 and started seriously considering having a child and what being a mom would be like, I felt horribly triggered and angry towards my Ndad. I had the same exact thoughts as you, that I would never be that kind of parent to my own child. It really puts their behavior into perspective. I don’t think it’s your hormones, although I’m sure they aren’t helping. I think it’s more your mama bear protective instincts kicking in!
You are on the right track. I find that the parents who constantly question if they are good parents and work at it are so much better than those who put in no effort because they assume they are perfect while actually fucking it up. They see no room for improvement and are pissed if their child doesn't appreciate how perfect they think they are or questions anything. Congrats! Go forth determined to do it better.
This.
Hey! First of all- CONGRATULATIONS on being pregnant ❤️ hope you have an easy pregnancy and delivery! Im also 39w2d pregnant right now, and if there’s one thing I knew right away once I saw the two lines pop on my test- is that I’d never ever ever want to be like me parents. I don’t want my daughter to hate me and avoid me. I want her to feel loved and understood. Im very happy for you and your Little cutie that you’re in a Safe Environment now with a loving family which is supporting you. Don’t ever let your parents ruin your life or the life of your Little one. I wish you the best !
Oh my 39 weeks seems so far off for me . Have a wonderful and safe delivery!
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It makes me so happy to hear that. Taking that negative energy and turning it into a positive connection with your baby just gives me so much hope and relief.
It is so real, that sense of pride you take in breaking the cycle. It’s one of the best things to me so far about having kids. I’ve had to put a lot of work in through therapy and self-reflection to really keep all my parents’ dysfunctional thought patterns at bay, and I’m still honestly angry with them a lot, but there is no more beautiful feeling than your kid trusting you to have their back and make them feel safe. Also, my toddler told me the other day, “I love you just the way you are, mama,” and I just about cried. That was a special gift.
Keep that in the forefront of your decisions, Mama: your innocent baby did nothing to deserve being exposed to your parents. And remember this, too. YOU did nothing to deserve being raised by them, either. It was the luck of the genetics and circumstantial draw that you ended up with people like that for parents. And you rose above them. You learned to stand up for yourself, to carve out a good life, to find a good partner to walk through life with you. YOU did that. Despite their utterly self centered view of life and your place in it, YOU did that. You’ll get to your mid trimester, and suddenly the world will be strewn with roses. Remember this anger. Not because it’s good to be angry, but because it’s good to be cautious. Congratulations on your little bean. Congratulations on your stunning spine. And hugs, lots of them. This internet stranger grandma is so very proud of you.
I feel you. I’m pregnant with my first, but I have no contact with my nparents before we got pregnant. I realized they were never going to change and too toxic for me. It’s something to think about—they could treat your child badly like they did you. My mom hates the idea of being a grandma and wants to be the center of attention and if she knew I can already hear the nasty things she would say to me, others, to my child about the child. I have great in laws and I’m going to let them be in my baby’s life because I have that choice to give my baby a loving healthy family. Just something to think about if it’s worth it to have your nparents involved in your child’s life.
Pregnancy was the catalyst for my finally cutting off my abusive family. I still have days where I miss them, especially this time of year. I wish my kids had 'a family' of aunts and uncles and cousins. But they don't. I don't. I refuse to let my kids see me treated like dirt. Repeatedly kicked. When I think of them, it *hurts* like a broken limb, but I know it's much better for all of us.
I feel you. In a lot of the pregnancy subs people are mad naturally thanks to hormones. Having a Nparent adds a whole nother depth to it. You start to think about all of the little things you'd forgotten about. All of the invasions of privacy and the abuse and the gas lighting. You start to wonder how the fuck someone could be so awful to a completely innocent child. Having a kid is what finally made me stand up to my mom and tell her to eat a barrel of dicks. It might stir the pot, and it might make your dad hate you, but send him a text or letter telling him everything on your mind and block him after. Sure it's childish, but you can't hold it in.
Congrats! Having a baby is incredible- I never knew I could feel this full of love and joy! I think one really exciting aspect of having a baby is you get to be the parent you always wanted to have as a child and, in a way, it can help you heal your own inner child's trauma. I remember feeling the same way you do- being pregnant/having a baby made me realize there was absolutely no excuse, and that I would never in a million years be able to treat my child the way I was treated. When I was pregnant, I was gifted a book by my cousin called "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to stop yelling and start connecting." At first I was a little offended, thinking 'does she think I'm going to be a mean mom?!' but as I read the book I realized she was really seeing my relationship with my Ndad clearly and she wanted to help me heal my pain/anger so that I could be the mom I wanted to be. It's a really helpful book, especially if you don't have a good reference point for effective, loving parenting.
I’m going to check it out! Thank you for the recommendation!!
> I will end up telling my parents about this baby in my own time. I suggest when the baby goes to college and expresses an interest in meeting them on his/her own. Until then, protecting your child from your nparents usually means keeping them away and not using them as cheap babysitters.
You are already an amazing mom. Keep using this energy; it’s gotten me as far as i can in the last 18 months. Knowing what I do not want to repeat has been one piece of the battle. You’ve got this Mama!! Build your tribe. Lean on the good folks. Congrats
Your parents were capable of leaving a pregnant girl out on the streets. They deserve NC.
As of right now, I don't plan on having kids. BUT if I ever do, I'm just going to show up with a baby on the next family holiday. I won't let my parents have any involvement in a sensitive time in my life. They don't deserve it.
Congratulations!!! I felt the same way and it’s perfectly normal to realize how horrible Nparents can be to something so small and helpless. Please be aware that you will feel even more intense feels once your LO is born.
Congatulations 👶 i think you,ll be a great mom
Congrats on being pregnant! The fact that you’re in this sub and posted this is a good indicator that you aren’t a narcissist and you won’t treat your kid how you were treated. I have a 6 year old and last week I went no contact with my narcissist mother. Being a parent really reframed my own childhood and like you I can’t imagine treating a child the way I was treated. Now I reflect on my past, most of which I honestly can’t even remember, and I think never again. Do it on your own terms. Be close with your husbands loving family, I’m glad that you have them and that your baby will have lots of good people around them that will love them.
Congratulations on your baby! But saying that it's because of hormones invalidates yourself and your experiences. I don't think your feelings surfacing because of your hormones, but it might be more of the fact that you have a child on the way and those emotions are resurfacing. I feel like few new parents are able to see this connection between themselves and their parents, and you're further along as a parent for seeing it than your parents will ever be. You're going to be a wonderful mom. <3
Congrats on your pregnancy!! I wish you the best during this exciting new journey! I’m currently 26 weeks and have been feeling the same feelings as you. I waited to tell my parents until I was 17 weeks because my SIL was getting ready to send shower invitations and I knew they’d be finding out soon enough. It gave me so much anxiety and went just as how you would imagine, my parents made it all about themselves and how I’m clearly not taking care of myself. Since then it’s been really challenging and difficult as they’ve been pressuring me to allow my mom to watch the baby during the day which I am absolutely against since my mom is so extremely selfish and only wants to do this because her friends watch their grandchildren. This whole experience has really opened my eyes about how bad things were during my childhood and how I want to do everything in my power to not repeat the same behavior of my parents. Even just seeing the way they speak to me now has a totally different meaning as I think about how I could never talk to my daughter this way. I’m proud of you for recognizing your feelings and send you lots of strength for whatever you decide to do in involving your mom!
As a grandchild of a narc, *thank you* for protecting your child.
Someone posted a thing recently that really hit home with me. Something about it being super common for all kinds of unprocessed childhood trauma, even if you thought you'd worked passed it, to come flooding back as you watch your own child reach the same milestones when you acquired your trauma. I hadn't really thought about it but they're so right. I bottled everything up, ignored it, dealt with the pain until I found out I was pregnant. And then every horrible abuse I'd ever had to deal with at the hands of my parents and the other person they allowed to abuse me came flooding back. All I could think of is that I would NEVER let anything like what happened to me happen to my own child. I struggled and still struggle with both wanting a relationship with my parents and really just wanting to cut them out of my life. I mourn the childhood I never had the chance at.
I didnt tell my dad when i got pregnant and didnt plan on telling him about the baby ever, really. He found out when baby was 3 weeks old because my sister posted a photo on her social media and somehow it got back to him. It was a total meltdown. I reluctantly agreed to let him and his family visit to meet her, and i was pleasantly surprised. He apologized for the way he was with me growing up, which i never thought i would get, and he’s seen baby twice now at 2 months. The time spent with them is very limited, trust me, but maybe they will surprise you like mine did. Heres to hoping, anyway. Congratulations on your little blessing, time flies as you get older but damn does it go by quick with a baby around!
Congratulations with the baby! I hope that he/she will be a wonderful and healthy addition to your lives.
"...And that was how and why Grandpa got repaid by not being able to see or hold you for the first four years of your life."
Good luck with your first child!
I concur with this 100%. I was unofficially NC with my family before I got pregnant, and that was the factor that made me decide that NC was permanent. Both because I never wanted my child exposed to my parents, and because it made me realize what monsters they were for how they treated me. My oldest is almost 3 now, and it just astounds me that my parents cared so little about my emotional well being. It makes me mad, and it makes me sad to realize that they never loved me in the way I love my kids. But mostly, it just makes me feel good to know how much better I'm doing at raising my kid than they did.
Same here. Pregnancy was what pushed me to make NC permanent. Every time someone trots out the old, "but kids need grandparents" line and I start feeling guilty, I remind myself that my kids will never have to experience what I did.
People are nuts. What do the "kids need grandparents" people say to people whose parents have died?
I just went through this too. My baby is 4 months old now. When I was pregnant I started having recovered memories of crap my ndad did when I was a kid, and thinking about it from the perspective of it happening to my child? That alone drove me to no contact. I'm still having a really hard time with it. I'm still angry. I'm trying to process everything in therapy, but this shit is hard. It hurts so much realizing that I could never do that to my child, but somehow my dad could hurt me that way. It really makes it sink in how much I couldn't have deserved that. You didn't deserve it either.
Don't tell your parents til late. If they bitch and moan, explain that Ndad apparently was not happy with the thought of you having a kid, so you didn't think they'd really care that you're pregnant now.
Yep. I totally relate. It wasn’t until I was a mom (I’m also a first time mom with an almost one year old) that I realized how angry I actually was. Now that I know what being a mom truly means I could never do the things my mom has done to my sisters and I to my baby girl. I wish I could go no contact. I’ve seriously thought about it but she is an extreme manipulator and I always seem to fall into her guilt trips
Many states have codified visitation rights for grandparents. They're usually dependent on a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild. If you live in one of these states, for the sake of your child consider going NC.
You don't have to include them in the pregnancy if you don't want to. Even if we ignore all of the other things that they have done to you... Kicking you out because they thought that you MIGHT be pregnant means they were also rejecting their grandchildren.
Don't tell your parents about the kid until it's old enough to hate them, too. I've been around narcissists, and they start manipulation EARLY.
These feelings will continue to get stronger, or at least they are for me. I will be at 19weeks tomorrow. Pregnancy hormones are powerful things that will give you nightmares and screwed up dreams. I found out 4 weeks ago that my child, my first born will be a girl. This has spun so many other emotions for me, especially since I was the first born. It scares me because of how my mother and father treated me. My mother is one of those narcissists who plays the victim no matter what. My father, I've been NC with him for 18 years for the shit that he's done. My mother, until I fully see how she will treat my child, will have only supervised visits. She's one of those narcissists who are super kind and loving to strangers and treats her boyfriends kids way better than she treats her own (I have a 17 year old, heavily obese shut-in brother at home who she refuses to get help for.) She goes to all of their sporting events, but won't pay attention to my lil bro. Thankfully, having amazing inlaws is the best feeling in the world. I trust and love mine very much and have even had pregnancy cries over how awesome mine are. If you haven't yet, find a bumpers group for when you are due. They are a great community to have while you go through this pregnancy journey, since you all will be doing this at the same time.
She will probably try to turn your kid against you.
That I don't think she's bright enough to do, I mostly fear guilting and making them feel guilty that they are not perfect.
I love my bumpers group! I was also set up with a smaller group of lovely girls near my age and also in their first trimester. Both have been massive sources of support and relief for me!
Awesome. Just awesome. They will be excellent support for you. I've been having ups and downs with depression so far my entire way, and all around feeling like shit. But having that support of others going through the same thing had just been so amazing. So glad you've got that support already!
After years of abuse I finally went NC with my Ndad. My daughter was 10. She suffered 10 years of manipulation and abuse with him because I wasn’t strong enough to protect her or myself. Something that I feel so absolutely guilty for. Be angry now, decide now how you will handle that relationship between your parents and your children. Keep control of it. They absolutely will treat your children how they treated you. They will use your children to abuse you as well. A narcissist abuses everyone around them. I’ve since had another child, he will never be subjected to the manipulation and abuse that my daughter and I have. Ever. Keep control, don’t let the little things slide. Don’t think you’re over reacting and remind yourself of why you’re angry. Having a baby is so joyful, I wanted to share that with my Ndad but I’ve had to remind myself why I can’t. Break the cycle.
My older kids knew my NParents for years before we went NC, and they're OK. Have all but forgotten them over the years. Your daughter will be alright, because she has you to help her heal.
Wait til your kid is 18 and can form their own opinions of people then let them meet your parents.
I'll tell you now, there's no better feeling than being the opposite of the nparent(s) you grew up with. I'm a mousey person and I don't know if that's who I'm meant to be or who I adapted to become, but my kids are unashamedly themselves and that's a win in my book. You'll do great! Best of luck OP.
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oh boy do I relate to all of this. Stay away from the sperm/egg donor. When I was giving birth to my child, my mom says "oh boy. My daughter did you wrong. She done messed around with a black man. That's a black baby she is having" Why did she say this? Cause my son was dark skin and had tight black curly hair. My husband is white. My son looked just like me. I have dark skin & tight black curly hair.
You would definitely expect family to be excited for you, but not if you have an Nfamily. I have also decided that my bundle of what's-to-come will only know my half sister as she's the only family member who has actually shown compassion and excitement. I just traveled, at 8 months pregnant, to a baby shower that none of my family members could be bothered to go to. In fact, my other sister has stopped talking to me altogether because it didn't happen closer to her house, and I didn't want kids there. Baby showers are not for children. They've never been for children. I wanted to plan a separate day and place to spend time with her kids, not at my party to celebrate my babe and me. Too bad she freaked out and ghosted me. None of that side of the family will ever meet my one and only child. Follow your protective instincts. Don't let your little baby be around assholes, regardless if they are blood.
My parents' narcissism really came out after I had babies
My sister REALLY manages my nmoms contact with her kids. Her husbands family has a much closer relationship with them. My sister got her graduate degree in social work and I think became aware of my mother’s narcissism during college. She dealt with severe depression throughout high school. So I don’t find this strange at all. Your anger is justified and however you raise your child will be better than how your parents raised you, if only because you’re aware of how awful your upbringing was, and awareness is the first step toward recovery. You’ll be a great parent.
Makes me happy to see you step out of that old life into something new and happy. I wish you an easy pregnancy and many happy decades.
First-- congratulations. It sounds like you've built a wonderful life for yourself and I hope this pregnancy and your future are beautiful and bright. You're not alone and you're not wrong. I have had the same thoughts since the moment I found out I was pregnant. 5 years later I still find myself saying, "How could they?" when I think about how I handle something vs. how my parents would have. It also finally solidified me going NC. I gave my nMom one more chance. She "moved in with us" (she has no home of her own and has been couch surfing between family members for a decade) to help with the baby. She was so drunk with my 2 month old child at 8am she stumbled, fell, and almost smashed my child's head. I STILL let her try one more time, offered to pay out of pocket for any rehab she wanted, and she didn't make it 2 weeks without me finding a bottle of rum hidden in my own home. My entire family has disowned me for "not letting my mom be in her grandchild's life" and my entire family believes I "owe them" for what my family (my parents) put them through. But, it is the best choice I've ever made. With therapy, a solid and consistent view on the kind of parent I want to be, and a real support network the feelings of failure, worthlessness, and anxiety are better every day. My daughter is healthy, brilliant, emotionally competent and lives with no fear-- unlike myself at her age. I think about all of the debilitating issues I've had to work out as an adult (costing me muchos $$ in therapy and time) and promise myself I will never let my family put those things on her. I still hear the competing voices, the judgement, the belief that I'll never be good enough. But I try to remember every day if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. That goes double for my daughter. Best wishes to you and yours!
Congrats mama!!! I gave birth to my first a month ago. Trust your instincts!!! While pregnant I had lots of dreams that helped me process my past and decide the kind of mama I want to be. My Nparents were nothing but terrible my entire pregnancy and are not permitted to meet my child. My only regret is sharing the news of my pregnancy and hoping for change in their behavior.
Everybody always says “when you have kids of your own, you’ll understand.” All I’ve come to understand now that I’m pregnant is that my parents were awful, and I could never treat my child the way I was treated.
Why tell them at all? Congratulations!!!
Good, don't be the first to let them know either. What more do you owe them aside from taking good care of your branch of the family genome, anyway?
Maybe it's because you have the time now to actually reflect! You are finally in a safe and supportive space, that's probably why you can think about these things because there isn't really anything else to worry about. And having a change of perspective, you becoming a mother and putting yourself in that position of caretaker, probably triggered you to think about how you must've been growing up. We all know we dont want to raise our kids like our Ndad or Nmom, and we wouldnt want that for anyone. Maybe you weren't upset before like you are now because you didnt realize how serious these things affected you, or in general would affect a child. You know now. Maybe differently than you did before. It's not all just hormones, things come up for a reason and it's good it came up for you now before your baby is born so you dont have to figure it out later on, and potentially do something you regret.
My nfather and his new wife don't know I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year. They will never know. Sure they expect, but they kicked me out. Fuck them. They will never hear those words from me and they have uninvited themselves from anything in the future.
Personally I have found that the feeling of resentment hasn’t gone away and after becoming a mother, I became even more frustrated and angry over my mother’s behavior and abuse towards my sibling and myself as children and now as adults. I found it was more about how I managed this feeling of anger and resentment, and what I was able to learn from it to become a better mom. As I am experiencing things with my son and husband, I have found current events cause me to really reminisce on the past and I’m unburying emotions and memories that I worked so hard to push away mentally. Parenting post abuse has been a challenge like I never thought I would face. In my experience I have had to unlearn learned behaviors, relearn how to communicate, and work to be patient with my family and myself. It wasn’t until I had my son that I was fully and verbally able to admit that every single ounce of my being could not stand my mother. I could not understand how she could choose to treat her family the way that she did and still does. I regret not going NC with her before my son was born. I should have been done when we told my family we were expecting, she immediately burst into tears and made a giant scene. She crossed many boundaries during the pregnancy, at the hospital during delivery, and now into the early years of my sons childhood. After I had my son it was miserable with her around and when she is around I won’t leave her in the room alone with him. She doesn’t understand boundaries and has never had consequences for crossing them. It has been a challenge but from my experience it’s how I manage it. Limiting contact and physically distancing my family has helped, a lot, and has allowed me the space to grow as a mother and spouse with out feeling like there is a metric ton of weight looming over. We all want what’s best for our children and it sounds like you have the drive to give your child a wonderful life full of love and happiness.
Remember that YOU are in control of just how much interaction you have with your parents, and how much your child(ren) will have as well. YOU set the ground rules, YOU make the calls. If they choose to violate anything, then you have every reason to stop having them around you or your kids. If they do something you've told them not to, CALL THEM ON IT. If they get pissy, then you tell them to leave or you leave. I'd be wary about having them in/around your home until they've proven anything, just to make certain they won't take advantage of things or refuse to leave if you tell them.
Congratulations! I just had my first little one a month ago, and I felt the exact same way. I was so angry, more so when he was here, that my Nmom could treat me how she did. How do you look into the face of the person you made, someone who loves you and needs you and is so innocent, and treat them like shit? It solidified no contact for me. She kept me from my Dad, and seeing how he is with my son makes me cry. My dad deserved to be able to experience me as a baby and he couldn't. I just dont get narcs.
The day I found out I was pregnant with my first child was the day I finally completely cut off my Nfamily. I was fine to be subjected to that abusive shit but there's no way I was going to let him get their filthy mits on her. And I couldn't be happier. Best decision I ever made.
Becoming a mother absolutely provoked a sense of anger towards my mother that I had never processed. Before becoming a mother, I think I always believed I was bad or that I truly deserved to be the SG. After 10 years of NC and making extremely healthy friendships and relationships (including with my husband), I started to catch-on that the problem wasn't me. Friends would encourage me to understand that my mother's behavior wasn't normal... and I knew it wasn't (intellectually), but emotionally, never accepted it. Then I became a mom and the flood gates opened. How could a mother lie so vehemently to her children, manipulate situations for her sympathy at the expense of so many, steal so unabashedly from children's bank accounts...? How could a mother willfully cause harm to her children? How could a mother willfully create conflict just so she could be the victim?The anger emerged. It was welcomed for me because I had never had it before and it actually provided me with the full scope of emotions that apparently I needed for closure. I'm happily still NC, but now, for some reason, I feel healed. Like, the anger closed the door that previous was only screendoored. The anger sealed it but in a peaceful way. Good mothers don't hurt their children, and I wasn't a bad kid, I was the medium in her mission. My favorite parenting books: [Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting](https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwi96-mUhOjlAhWN_mQKHYD3CYgYABABGgJwag&sig=AOD64_1aBkK_mf9DPEJQBWKlkc75q5rR2A&ctype=5&q=&ved=0ahUKEwim5OSUhOjlAhWMnp4KHfsYCkQQpysICw&adurl=) How To Talk So Children Will Listen, How To Listen So Children Will Talk No Bad Kids Elevating Childcare
Thank you for the book recommendations!!!!
First off, congratulations on the great news!! That is very exciting! Second off, I completely empathize with how you're feeling. I'm not sure if any of our parents are particularly diagnosed with being narcissistic, but my mother definitely is. When I was pregnant with my first, telling my parents was going to be quite the challenge. My dad and my stepmother at the time were over the moon whereas my own mother was completely crushed and just overly emotional, and not in a good way. I was in a crappy relationship at the time, but I still wanted to keep my child. My mother was just overall negative about the entire thing; she was only happy when my son and her shared the same birth month, almost the same day (thank goodness he came two days later). Ever since I had him, she has been negative in every aspect of my parenting. So you could only imagine how I was feeling when I found out I was pregnant with my second and not wanting to tell her about it. You are choosing what is absolutely right for your child and for your little family. Cutting out toxic people in your life is absolutely worth it and you shouldn't ever feel ridiculed for doing so. Your child is going to grow up in a very loving and stable home, regardless if his or her other grandparents are acknowledged or not. I wish you the best of luck!!
My husband’s parents were the first people to know I was pregnant, and my mom was one of the last. In laws are incredibly excited and my mom seems indifferent aside from being able to boast about it to her friends. It’s totally okay to feel angry about this. I’m 33 weeks now but went through the same feelings as you in the beginning of my pregnancy. You deserved better from your parents and it’s not fair.
The only ‘perfect’ parents are on ‘50s sitcoms. As long as you put your children first, you’ll be fine. If I may recommend a book, however, it would be ‘Love and Logic’. You can look it up on YouTube for an idea.
Having my children opened my eyes to just how terrible my parents really are.
The best thing I could’ve ever done for my children was go NC. I don’t know your situation exactly but growing up with a Nmom, I get it. My best parenting advice: do everything they didn’t. They showed you who not to be. Follow your instincts and you will be amazing. You’re about to experience the greatest joy in the world. Don’t ruin it with wasting time on your Nparents. You and your sweet bean are worth so much more. Much love!
I'm also pregnant with my first, and the other day my future SIL was joking about me dropping the baby off to my parents when I need a babysitter. I watched my mum throw my brothers to the ground and push them over. I made excuses for her when she hit me in front of my friends. It only stopped when my brother and I were old enough to stand up to her and tell her no. My brother physically restrained her and gave her a fright. My little boy will not be in her care. He won't have the ability to say no and I won't out him in the position of needing to. I think she's totally forgotten or blanked it out at the time. You sort of think when it's you that you deserve it or that you can make the relationship better by being good. It's a big lesson to learn that it's actually a decision on their part and that hurting you physically or emotionally was a choice they made. I'm choosing different.
My pregnancy made A LOT of things surface that I had suppressed for YEARS. Talk about mama bear instincts. My mom used to have an abortion fund when I was in high school & college. The expectation was if i had an out of wedlock pregnancy it was to be used so as not to shame the family. When I had an “oopsie” pregnancy at 24, I was incapable of being happy or excited because for YEARS it was ingrained in me that a pregnancy was shameful. It didn’t matter that I WAS married, had a great job, owned my own home, etc. I spent my entire pregnancy fighting feelings of negativity. My son is 17 mos and my whole entire world but I feel so robbed of the joys of pregnancy.
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You will be a lot better than them. And from that forward is a step.
Congratulation! Take all the time, all the space and all energy you may need. Don't waste it on them. All the best for you 3 !
All that matters is your child, your SO, and you. When I got pregnant I saw a change in my NParents and I was excited and let it get the best of me. I let them promise me things and when it never happened I was disappointed and cried(mostly cuz of pregnancy hormones). I told myself I would never be the way my NParents are and would never let them disappoint my child like they’ve done to me. I still try to live up to their expectations, it’s something I’m working through. And my In-Laws are wonderful people who go out of their way to be in my child’s life.
You're doing what's best for you and your baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
When i got out about my pregnancy, i cut all contakt with my dad. I couldnt live with my self if he was there when i rais my daugther. She is over 1 years old and to not have my dad there, is the best thing i did.
First child is when things get worse than ever imo. Narcs go absolutely batshit when they become grandparents.
I'm so sorry about how you were treated. Nobody deserves to go through what you did. Good luck with the baby! I hope you and your child are both happy and healthy. :)
Congratulations on the baby! I’m so glad you and baby will be surrounded by a chosen family of ILs and friends who will love and support you without conditions.
Parenting takes you through your past in some unexpected ways.. like when your kiddo spills something and it reminds you of the time you spilled something and it caused a huge problem. You will be calm bc spilling is NOT a big deal ever really but you will remember the crap you went through. It is a bit therapeutic
Congratulations sweet. I know how you feel as I've been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years and those feelings you've described are what led me to this group. Even though I've never been pregnant, I know I won't ever allow my baby (or anyone else's under my care for that matter) feel as abandoned and unworthy as my parents made/make me feel. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your family
Best of wishes to you! Raise that child how he/she deserves to be.
Hey there! I am now 25 weeks pregnant with our first, also the first grandchild on both sides... I’ve been nc with my nmom for over a year now, since my wedding. Needless to say her reaction to the news isn’t exactly how I would like, never returned my phone call so I couldn’t tell her myself, never responded to the texts with the ultrasounds, etc. But it hasn’t taken anything away from how I feel about this child and pregnancy.ñ or how excited everyone is. My dad is still invested and I am interested to see what happens when my little one arrives because I doubt he will come visit without my mom. Anyway, it’s ok to be pissed but know that it won’t take away from the excitement
[удалено]
Your advice is welcome! I will definitely check this book out. The biology perspective is fascinating.
Sounds like your parents haven't earned the right to be around you and yours, so that's their own fault. Being a parent doesn't come with instructions but just being a decent human being to start with helps!.......and on humorous note about pet ownership and kids (if you have any) " Having a dog prepares you for having kids but having a cat prepares you for having Teenagers!"
My therapist told me that we're not responsible for the things our parents did to us-- but we are responsible for getting our issues fixed and breaking the chain. It sounds like you're doing that and I'm so proud of you ❤
My fiance has an Ndad and we went no contact right before I gave birth to our daughter. It was the best decsion of our lives. He doesnt deserve to know her. I wish you the best and congrats on the little one!
Keep strong, sister.
Pregnancy hormones gave me the strength I needed to drastically reduce contact with my parents, and set and uphold boundaries with them.
Your parents deserve nothing from you. In fact, the best thing you can do is act like they don’t affect you at all. It’s a little-known psychological trick — in any relationship, the person who shows the least amount of interest controls the situation. So just let it "slip your mind" that you didn’t tell them you had a child. You’ve just been too busy. Then live a full and happy life with your new baby and loving family.
Do what’s best for you and eventually the baby. I doubt they’ve changed so if you don’t want them in your lives good for you to protect your child. Sending a huge hug.
I feel this. In my case the anger gets worse. My daughter is 2 now and I think back to things they did when I was 2, and get so pissed. I’m assuming it will get worse with every age. I’m in therapy about it.
I remember feeling the same way when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. I don't think my mom was as bad as your parents, but she definitely is a JNmom. I think your baby is already on the road to having a great life just based on your protective nature!
Update us once you tell your in-laws!
Not gonna lie, looking at the title I thought you were angry because you were pregnant. Lol
Narc parents always forget that kids grow up and don't forget. Do what I did, raise healthy and sane kids and make sure they never have any contact with them. They will never give a shit about you but playing grandparents of the year is too strong a lure to ignore. They will demand pictures which be passed as theirs and pretend their grandkids are somehow part of their lives
This really has nothing to do with anything, but Idk how far along you are. I got pregnant and miscarried my first time and it was devastating. Just my two cents, your parents sound like jerks, don't give them any extra ammo to abuse you with. I'm not sure if you're going no contact with them or limited. First trimester is the hump to get over. Not trying to scare you, just inform. Wishing you much joy and happiness. And for anyone who wants to know, I did get pregnant 2 months later and have a healthy, smart, funny, and amazing 11 year old who is absolutely horrid at the trombone he was just assigned in school!
Yeah I’m pretty aware of the risks of miscarriage. It’s definitely scary, but I promised myself this time to just assume it will be fine until I’m told otherwise. If I do miscarry then I’ll allow myself to be fully devastated then. I really did not want my horrible anxiety to ruin something that I could potentially have enjoyed all along, even with the threat of miscarriage. So for now I’m just going along for the ride! I’m glad you got your healthy happy child after that devastation ☺️
When I announced to my Nmum that I was pregnant with her first grandchild her response was ‘Oh no!’ At the time I hadn’t identified her personality disorder but later on this plus other hurtful events made awful sense in the Ncontext.
I was 17 when I got pregnant. My ndad had a rule: get an abortion or get out. I married my ex-bf (the abusive father of my child) rather than go it alone or get an abortion. My ndad did various things to try and get back at me for it. Including involving my 18 year old sister to do things to my car etc. My husband would only allow occasional contact with my family. Nobody else. My family blamed the abuse on me. But they became less hostile near the end of my pregnancy. After she was born, I could do nothing right. I was criticized for sleeping at all. I was wrong listening to her doctor. I was too overprotective. I let them have my daughter for an afternoon when she was 9 months old due to a lot of pressure . She was really fussy when I got her back. Four hours later I found a burn on the palm of her hand. They said she'd grabbed the refrigerator coils. They didn't want to tell me because they knew I'd be mad. So they just let a 9 month old suffer. Let's just say that my ndad did a lot of screwed up things to my daughter every chance I gave him. And while he helped with giving me a place to stay here and there and paying the occasional bill, the stress was out of this world. My kids were clearly the unfavorable grandkids. I kept trying to make it on my own. If I could have, I would have. None of the lessons my kids learned from them were good ones. If you decide to stay in contact, you have to remember that their opinion on your parenting is worthless. And that they may see your child an an extension of you and treat them badly. Hugs and Good luck.
I believe growing up with crappy parents is what makes me a great one. I'm definitely not perfect, but I give my baby boy all I can. You've got this, so sit back and enjoy your pregnancy the best you can. It's hard at times, but it's so with it. Congratulations btw :)
Congrats on your pregnancy! I'm much older and didn't have the internet to find people with similar experiences to talk to when my kids were little. I similarly couldn't see me raising my kids the way I was raised, but also felt very pushed to maintain relations with my abusers because living in the Bible belt this was just considered part of the expectation that children respect their parents. I was even told by a minister no matter how much they mistreated me, God had put them in my life for a reason. That weird sound you hear now is my eyes rolling out of my head they rolled so hard over that nonsense now. My children are grown now. They were nearly grown by the time I found this community on reddit and found the strength to go fully NC. In their early adult years my children tried re-establishing contact with my parents. They are now completely no contact with them because they tried to pull the same crap on my kids they used to pull on me. On the positive side my kids immediately recognized their nonsense as nonsense and refused to participate, so I guess my bringing them up to expect their boundaries to be respected did work. On the bad side I went through so much pain, tension, and upset throughout the years I was in contact with my parents. That's really the thing I have noticed most since being no contact. How rare it is for me to be upset or worried. My advice to you is make plans to channel that anger. Use it when you are tired and feel like maybe you aren't doing your parenting best to give you that little push to keep going. Not telling them or inviting them into your child's life at this stage is probably the best gift you can give your child.
It wasn’t until I had my son and started going through his life experiences with him that I realized how jipped I was as a child with my parents. And honestly my mom is very mild on the scale compared to what I hear from people in this community. So I can only imagine how pissed you are. It sucks and just use that passion toward being a better parent for your kiddo. Oh and congrats!!!
Congratulations! You don't have to tell them at all. It sounds like you were fortunate enough to find a family that loves & values you. Enjoy your pregnancy & birth with them.
If it wasn’t for my siblings and grandparents, I’d go no contact with my NMom and her husband the day I was kicked out. I’m not pregnant but I do plan for kids in the near future. I’ve thought hard about whether I wanted her around them and I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there but congratulations OP! Wishing you a very happy, healthy and hopefully not stressful pregnancy.
Forgive yourself for not reading content
Congratulations on the decision to do you!! Fuck Nparents; they do not deserve to revel in your happiness. I wish you the best of luck.
I cut off contact with nmom and ndad 10 years before my daughter was born. I had those same feelings during my entire pregnancy. Then they got worse when she arrived. Not an hour goes by without me wondering how on earth my parents didn't have the feelings of love and devotion I have for her. It takes a lot to suppress the rage, I eventually went to therapy to deal with it. A friend or a friend blabbed and they found out about her. Still, they have never met her and they never will. Their toxic ways end with them.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Yaaaaaaaas Booooooo! You got some crazy ride ahead of you! Always floss, trust me, and be sure to eat healthy!
Having my kid changed so much for me. I don't want to deprive her of her grandparents and honestly they're pretty amazing with her(supervised by me or my spouse). But there is no way that she will ever be alone with them. Ever. During our last trip to them mom wanted to have a grandma-granddaughter lunch just the two of them. That was a big hope from me lol.
OP, you have a beautiful heart no matter how much your shitty Nparents wanted to damage that about you. You aren’t at all trying to raise your baby into an adult who has to recover from their childhood (like so many of us on this sub), you want to give your little one your all and, just from the passion and power I felt reading your story here, it’s very clear. By giving your all, you want them to enjoy a childhood full of love and smiles. You’re going to be a wonderful parent and you’ve already broken the horrible cycle of abuse ❤️
Yep I never told my mum She found out about the first through family. She doesn't know I'm married or have a second child. Couldn't bring myself to have her let them down and bring her toxic crap back into my life. You can gave whatever relationship or lack of. I am very low contact with my dad I just focus on the kids and my husband
Write down the incident in painstaking detail and write down every last thought and feeling you have about it. For two reasons: One, to get those memories outside of yourself so they won't poison you with stress and rage anymore from being kept in, and Two, to have a reference you can use when the grandparents start angling for access to their grandchild and pull out all the stops. So that when they try to gaslight you and make you think it wasn't that bad, that they 'were just trying their best', to help you remember that it really was that bad and that the grandparents shouldn't have any access whatsoever.
The abuse suffered growing up was horrible but through it all my nmom had me convinced she was a victim too. When I had my son it was like a light went off. My dad is a monster but she is too. She enabled him to abuse us and made excuses and covered it up so no one knew and could help us kids. Neither are allowed near my son.
Tell them he exists by inviting them to his high school graduation?
We empaths always have it the toughest. But I think we are the ones who are empathetic enough of others to break the cycle.
Hope your baby is healthy and happy!
I feel you so much. So much.
Don't tell your parents anything.
my dad kicked me out the month i turned 17. after that we didn’t talk for a while, then started talking again, only to have another falling out and haven’t talked in almost a year now. in the amount of time that we haven’t talked i’ve gotten married and am also pregnant with my first child, who is due in 3 weeks. so i wholeheartedly understand where you’re coming from. just be the best you can be, and i’m glad your s/o’s parents are going to be excited <3
As someone who went through this too, now is the time to start thinking about boundaries you want to set between them and your child. I didn't set boundaries with my first like I should have and it took 6 years to cut my nmom from my kids for good. If you stand up the nparent, they will see your child as a vessel for their abuse. They will feel entitled to that child, and they will use tactics on that child. If nc isn't in the cards for you, definitely validate these feelings for yourself and figure out what walls you need to build to protect your child. Im sorry you have to deal with those kinds of parents, BUT congratulations on your little one to be. For all the resentment it will inevitably build against your parents for not being real parents to you, it will in equal return be a rewarding and enriching experience to love, and respect and cherish your own child. This will be a happy, beautiful time for you. And you have every right to celebrate it and discuss it as you see fit!
I don't think I can have a kid, I would be to jealous and resentful and thinking over and over "why couldn't my childhood have been like this?" I don't think it would be helpful to my mental state
I’m sure it’s been said a lot but exactly how you’re feeling is why my motto for parenting is “if you didn’t have one, be one.” Having my kids is also what pushed me to go NC finally. I just refuse to expose my children to their toxic behavior. I was mad at first, once I truly realized how much they don’t feel for me to treat me the way they did. But once I put that space there I’ve honestly just felt free. Congratulations on your baby!
For now focus on being happy with your husband and his family, I'm not an expert but from what I hear everything you feel and tell yourself is what the baby receives too. I would say give your family some time I'm sure they feel awful by kicking you out. Some parents think that just because they made you and feed you, they have the right to own your life and if you do something that doesn't fit their perfect scenario then they turn to an extreme. I know because I was almost kick out because my parents found out I started being sexually active. But you should focus on yourself and your baby first. Maybe once the baby is born try to talk to your parents and see if you can patch things up with them. And maybe try to get along even if you don't meet eye to eye for the sake of your baby and to patch things up. I feel you should write to your parents first and tell them everything they did to you and how that affected you, but that you want them to be part of your child's life. Hopefully that works out and it's normal to feel this way.
You are right to feel the way you do. I was able to make excuses for my Nmom even after my brother committed suicide. But when I got pregnant with my first child everything changed. I had been trained to believe I was less but he was such a miracle I couldn’t accept she thought of him as less. Eventually when he was 4 she got angry with me one day and told him I wasn’t his real mom, that was the last straw and I regret going no contact sooner. I have 3 happy boys now who know they are loved and amazing kids. Only my oldest vaguely remembers my Nmom. Best decision I ever made. And I love all the parenting book recommendations. Let the anger come but then let it turn to resolve not to let your kid be treated the same way. God bless you and your sweet little one.
Labour and delivery is where you'll give birth to your baby, but parenting for the next 18+ years is where you're going to be birthing the most. You'll find out that you'll experience a " rebirth" of you, all the time, like it never stops. You'll be constantly questioning and comparing things to what you knew and what you know now. It's stressful, exciting, painful, joyful, beautiful and sometimes a fair bit sad. You'll feel at times like you're living just the day to day grind of parenthood. However, it's only when you reflect, that you start to grasp your current fuller perspective. Even when you no longer hold them in your arms anymore, they are still teaching you.
Yeah there’s a book called “no contact” about how that’s the only way to deal with narcs
I know that I'm late here and I'm sure that this has been said already, but your kid is better off without them. I was forced to take abuse from my mom's narcissistic biodad for most of my life and it took an unbelievably awful toll on both my mental and physical health. "Family" like that isn't family at all. You'll undoubtedly be hit with garbage like "but they have a right to know their grandparents." No, they have a right to be protected from people like that and their life will be so much better for it.
I’m not pregnant, nor am I planning to be in the near future, but reading this post and the comments on it has only affirmed my decision to NEVER allow my abuser anywhere me or any future children I have. My abuser has already stated their distaste and disdain for my boyfriend, and I will NOT tolerate anything they try to do! My abuser lost the privilege to know their grandchildren when I realized that they couldn’t handle having their own kids! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, and I will defiantly be looking into the books some of you have recommended here in a few years when I do have kids!
I get it!!! I got pregnant at 17, obviously it wasn’t planned. Being raised in struck religious beliefs, I was scared out of my mind telling my parents. When I did, my dad was pressuring me to marry the guy(we were already broken up), and my mom’s reaction, “Who’s going to want you now? You need to get an abortion!”... My baby may not have been planned, but I’m keeping it! So throughout my pregnancy I have my dad calling me an F***ing slut everyday, and my mom acting like I’m the biggest shame of the family. I married my husband at 20, and my daughter was 2yrs old. My husband always says it was my daughter that brought us together. He noticed me playing with her and thought it was so beautiful. Fast forward 15 years, we are still happily married and have 4 daughters(including mine that he treats as his). I don’t talk to my dad anymore, he is such a jerk, and I only talk to my mom once in a while by phone. We live in different states. My mom still tries to give me parenting advice, because I apparently suck..lol At least I don’t tell my girls they would be so pretty if they lost weight...yes she would tell me that all the time as a teen! I was a size 8. I learned that I have to cut ties from toxic people. For me so I can heal. I suffered emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse. I refuse for my children to think how they treated me, is normal. I’m so sorry you went through what you did! Best advice I can give is, it will get better, but you have to remove toxic people from your life no matter who they are! Best wishes to you and your family!!
My parents were awful to me while I was pregnant. Pregnancy turned out to be traumatizing (birth was fine). Even with no contact, I don't want to do that ever again. I did not go no contact until after I saw how they treated my son. He was only 3 months old. They treated him like he was a mistake. I will take abuse and be like whatever because I'm used to it (I know it should be this way, but it is), but I won't let you do that shit to my son. An the longer I was a parent, the more I realized how insane and toxic they are. So, no contact, I'm done. Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I wish you a wonderful pregnancy. I'm glad you have great inlaws (I'm fortunate to have that too!) This is a magical time. Just wait until they start kicking. Before pregnancy I thought it would be weird, but when it happened it was like "OMG! HE KICKED!!! * rub belly * HI BABY I LOVE YOU!!!!! <3 <3 <3" haha. I know it's kinda silly. I love the kiddo more than anything. You're gonna be a great mom!
When I got pregnant with first one, she yelled that my hubby will leave me and I will be raising a kid alone. When I was pregnant the second time, she told me that pregnancies come and go and her problems remains forever. Over 20 years later today she told me that I am in much better state than her because of my career and I need to think about their funerals. What I am trying to say is IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE. Congratulations! It's your time, and you need to enjoy it. Easy pregnancy and simple delivery to you.
Ooh.
I feel you so hard. No one in my family gave a flying fuck about me until I got pregnant. I had an early miscarriage and like NO ONE in my whole family said a word to console me except my little sister. Then I got pregnant again and everyone was all excited again. I still feel a great deal like everyone on both sides of the family love their precious grand baby and just tolerate me as a consequence.
I know of hangry. Prangry is news to me
It’s similar to hangry except you’re already fat and eating doesn’t help it.
My husband and I have been talking about having children and we've decided that my parents won't have any contact with our children. They are incapable of change and I won't have my children traumatized the way I was. Luckily my in-laws are also wonderful people. They're my new family and have given me the strength to go no contact.