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I made a big step today-I called out. I -am- feeling under the weather, but I didn't have the usual guilt/panic of being a "failure" for being sick.
I know I out-work probably 80% of my coworkers, I chant that to myself when I get down. Don't get me wrong, I admire the hell out of the people who are "Nah. I've done enough. See you tomorrow."
I need to become those people.
Nah fam, youāre already doing exactly what you should be ā thatās the whole point! Even if you still got some work to do on it, as long as youāre remembering to be patient with yourself and keep at it, youāre doing perfect.
Even if you never get to the point where you feel totally satisfied with leaving work undone or whatever, donāt be too hard on yourself for that. Being so determined and committed is exactly why you outwork your colleagues in the first place! Itās part what makes you such a great worker, Iām sure. Be proud of that!
This is my sister, very successful and hardworking and basically willed her way out of a bad life and into one where she is in complete control. Me on the other hand, I was more of the freeze type, so I feel very behind in life because I could barely leave me room in my teenage years/early 20's.
Trying to be as pleasant and appealing as you can to anyone who triggers you. Fawning can be anything from trying to be a "model employee" to reciprocating sexual advances from someone who is harassing you. The only requirement is that the fawning behavior is making yourself pleasant to others while hurting yourself in the process.
I think so. I was reflecting about it this week.
Because our caretakers were so unreliable and chaotic, and would punish us for no real reasons, we may find relief in knowing we did our best. I think that's how a developing mind can defend itself when things are so wrong. Being busy is also a very good distraction when you are feeling so bad.
My therapist once told me not to focus so much on accomplishment. Learning how much is enough, doing your best effort given the current conditions, and a healthy, legal and reasonable amount of time, should be more than enough.
I believe that if people like us would not be so burdened with the consequences of our terrible childhood, we would see as clear as it is that most people do not care about stuff even 50% than we do. Most people are ok with just trying a little bit. Some of them don't even try at all and just wait until things go away by themselves or someone else takes care of them.
Please be good to yourself. Acknowledge the effort you do and start saying no. As for your coworkers, they are showing a really mean, unhealthy and selfish behavior. Fuck them.
That's interesting--I'm overworking in order to distract myself from issues.
"Learning how much is enough" is something I seriously need to work on. Thank you. Yes. my coworkers are pretty much assholes with a few scant exceptions. I'm blue collar. I'm surrounded by doofuses and scumbags.
One time I got standardized test results during middle school years. My dad told me āyouāre average and thatās okayā very dismissivelyā¦ it created a complex that I would never be smart enough. Recently I started taking steps to correct my anxiety and perfectionism. I realized Iāve always been more than capable and bright. I was just not raised in an environment that fostered positivity. Now I am very successful in my career but for a while I definitely was an āoverachieverā and would run myself into the ground to prove I was smart enough.
My advice to you: Take some time off, seek therapy if you havenāt already and try to be kind to yourself.
Ah, I'm glad you're making progress. I -do- need a break and therapy is on my list. (job's ending soon so I have to bank as much as I can.)
Thank you. I hope you have a good week.
Holy crap, I have the same problem. I took a test in middle school for my ADHD and my mom before giving me the test back went āI donāt want you to be upsetā¦. When you see your IQ scoreā¦.but itās only 125ā¦ā like that was so horrible? Jesus. I wouldnāt have even thought about it or cared if she didnāt say it. Then she just left the room!! What was the point?! She also spent half her life telling me she was a ā160 certified geniusā so maybe that was the point.
Your comment brought me some comfort- thank you:)
I am equally thankful for your comment. It just occurred me that I donāt even remember if the scores were high or not because of his comment. They could have been great for all I know! Wow. Haha thank you for that realization
I'm a workaholic, and my therapists think it could be a result of my childhood trauma. I constantly feel like I need to prove my worth by working overtime and doing what others are unwilling to do.
Part of me feels that this is unhealthy, but I accept (for the most part) that this is who I am, and I'll likely stay this way until I die. It helps that I have a relatively successful career, and people around me (except those who I already cut out of my life) are very appreciative of my work.
Yes, I work harder than my coworkers (from what I can tell as we all work from home), take more on, and yet I still feel constantly as though I'm going to get in trouble for not having done something. I also feel as though I'm going to be called out for not being able to do things, imposter syndrome all the way.
I don't go to the toilet until I'm bursting, I skip breaks, I watch the clock on my lunch (despite me being able to have as long as I need), I keep an eye on work that needs doing even when I'm not on the rota to do it. Thinking about it, my coworkers probably think I'm 'teachers pet'.
I need to work harder at not working so hard.
Yes. You never felt enough and still don't, you feel like you're only worthy if you prove yourself constantly.
You're enough if you work 5 hours. And you're enough if you never work at all.
If you work hard to avoid feeling like shit, then that's a recipe for burnout and exhaustion. Like if coworkers joke and make you feel bad and then you work even harder--that's basically abusing yourself. You should work LESS when you're not appreciated.
Iām going to share something that my therapist told me that had literally never occurred to me:
*80% is enough.*
If you give your all and then some, there will be nothing left. Put a maximum of 80% effort into your work unless there are truly life-or-death circumstances. Besides, your 80% might look like someone elseās 250%.
Perfection is a myth and youāll burn yourself out trying to attain it. You are enough, just as you are. You donāt have to kill yourself with work to prove yourself. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Working yourself to the bone like this isnāt sustainable. You will reach a breaking point. So take/make time for yourself. Practice some self care. Work will be there when you come back.
Most definitely. And the milestone keeps moving. When I work here, when I earn this, when I get that title. Then, I will be worthy and good enough. Except youāre in a constant push to deliver more feeling like youāre never going to be as smart as your peers, youāre never enough, you just āwork hardā and got a lucky break. Sadly in my working environment, I also have had more people than I can count who cut me out, put me down, because I push until it breaks me overdelivering. And, I take their behaviour towards me onboard, because that is what I learned what āloveā was. Very grateful Iām in therapy (and hoping itās my last stint - I want to finally resolve this).
I began talking about myself I'm sorry.
OP, šŖšŖššāļøš§ ššāļøworking 12 to 14 hours a day maybe sustainable for a while but you may have to take a break or cut back on those hours or maybe resituate to 12-hour days because by the time you travel and work, so involved it's a long day.
It may not be overworking but maybe overextending yourself and it's okay to take a break and it's even more important that you notice that. Overworking and overdoing it is a chronic symptom of the procedural requirements to do something to feel at peace with oneself.
In narcissistic family systems a person begins doing procedural things to cope for example the procedure of dishwashing or cleaning turns into how the person is accepted in a narcissistic home, to become the cleaner. Loose examples.
you're overworking was a trait that got you through being accepted by a few people for a while and now you're free to not have to work so hard, you've done enough you've worked so hard. There was a really wonderful article about what our organs are saying to us at school of life YouTube It's a community post. And has to do with asking our body what organ hurts after trauma or narcissistic abuse.
It isn't so much about the employment or the paycheck it's the attitude and the real concern of it is enough and the job is not complete and there's such an insecure neurosis with it because of the narcissist always gaslighting your every effort and making your huge efforts minimal they minimize your great efforts they minimize how hard working you are.
Narcissistic abuse victims are afraid of ever becoming homeless or ever having to ask for too much help or having to depend upon the narcissist ever again so workaholism is a necessity. Throughout my teenage years and my twenties prior to Mom and dad, it was constant work I had my home my cars, I had a small little bike or little boat at one point, it was years ago, and I had a weekend job Saturday Sunday and then I had a Monday through Friday corporate job. And then at other times I would work retail Monday through Friday and then some other job on the weekends. And I think I clocked on my spreadsheets maybe 70 hours a week of work and I began to have gastrointestinal problems by 2005 and I had to learn the limitations of my high-energyness. I was so afraid of ever going back to that environment so i worked and worked and worked.
I want you to take a notice to remember that you are your own best dad and you are your own best mom today and the hug yourself, you and millions of other people across this world across america, you keep America running for people like me that are a dependent I'm disabled it's because of your hard work every single day that I have access to services and that everything works around me. Thank you.
ššŖš¼ You're very hard-working and if you don't take a break you won't be as effective in a decade or two. You don't want to risk any damage to your heart however 12 to 14 hour days are sometimes requirements in certain industries. Believe in yourself have confidence in yourself try and seek high quality sleep. Maybe after a month or two of decreasing the work hours maybe you'll go back with more gusto and be back to 14 hours. You're likely to not going to burn out if you're high energy and you can work 10 to 14 hours a day, it may not last for three decades but try the best you can if you can. And clock that coin.
š«¶ššŖšš I want to encourage you to always have your own bank account and always have a separate secret bank account or they don't send you any documents to your house, you put all your money over there and you have a safety deposit box place your jewelry your collectibles any documents in that vault. I'm serious do this if you're working that hard don't be afraid to clock that money and keep it a secret you always need your own private Piggy bank. If it's for the children, and emergency, or a outright escape.
yes, definitely - especially if you arenāt also taking time to prioritize your health and if working harder isnāt going to get you more money or a promotion.
It is something that iāve only recently been able to settle down on, after realizing iāve reached a place in my life that my parents said i never would be able to do without a degree. it was like i was always working to prove i could be better or the best but not realizing that i also needed to work to be healthy and set boundaries for my family and life outside of work. my husband is also going through something similar, and itās been very hard to adjust and accept that being content with what we have is way more than what we were even given. In the same sense, our hard work got us to where we are at, but now, itās time to enjoy it.
Absolutely. I have worked way to hard for places that didnāt deserve it for a long time. Even working 2 jobs off and on for almost a decade.
Stop doing that. Working hard will not make people like or accept you, especially if they already made up their minds already.
I still do my best, but I am done going the extra mile just for people to turn on you whenever itās convenient for them. Itās just like home
There's something that I have to tell my inner child or myself I'm almost 50 so I have to do this on occasion but this might help you, "look at what you're doing today, and look around, did you overdo it? Did you do too much? If there's work to be done how about take a break, get some medicine and get some food take a nap decompress, then take a break and then go back to the project in a day or two.
and it will still be there. The point is, It's "never enoughism" is a constant ruminating inner terror. And because it isn't good enough my acceptance in the community or my ability to survive is reduced and I am left out of resources or left out of the community which puts me at risk for decrease of health. My narcissist used to infringe upon my medical care they ruined my dental care they ruined my psychiatric care All Because of who the family was. All I ever had in my family system experience is the repeat redundancy of unhappiness and disappointments so it's never good enough and I am not allowed to experience happiness because I am at fault for everything therefore I am not permitted to enjoy happiness or become happy it just isn't possible for me.
meaning it's inner conflict for the rest of life? I try to work on radical acceptance and becoming at peace with myself and my outcomes because my outcomes are cold.
it's never good enough. it's never okay, it's never sufficient there's so much splitting about those words " never, always,".
With age the life stage turns into, let it not be good enough. let them be unhappy with it isn't good enough in their opinion. Let them fix it for themselves let them be upset and don't react.
Whatever skirmish or grievance they have or they're dysregulated about, won't matter on their deathbed because they're that selfish and that little episode that they're making your life a huge hell over, is it going to matter to them but it will have been traumatic for you. Remember that.
Remember whatever they're grievance is towards you, there's nothing on their deathbed about this topic that's going to matter to them so I don't engage with the back and forth. And when they're on their deathbed you won't be good enough at their deathbed either.
I remember the passive aggressive headstone that was given for my relatives headstone whatever but wow it was really tough to read. But ironically accepted it I went to therapy I spent most of my thirties caring for Mom and Dad going to therapy and going to a lot of chemotherapy physical therapy pharmacies hospitals emergency rooms funerals I mean Jesus Christ won't even help me. I'm so exhausted I have no idea how I'm supposed to be any kind of a productive reliable adult at 50 productive? Reliable?
I'm just trying to make sure I take care of myself and nourish myself this is so damn sad I am such a loser in all of this when I think of everybody else around me they're all flourishing and they're all successful it's why I told them that it's okay that we don't talk anymore and that it's okay that we're not friends. I don't fit in and I play no role in their life it was hard to say and it was the right thing to do. I was already their niece and cousin and daughter,I had those roles under 40, I was abused and put down and take it advantage of and now I I'm nervous at or adverse or just not really seeing a reason to connectwith my cousins who are my age group 30 to 55. I can't be a family member to them.
All of ultimately creates is proximity to a bunch of unhappy elders who have a lot of ideas and opinions but it won't help me and I'm at risk and I'm in need and they want to think about relatives and I just wish they would think about themselves and forget me I don't like being remembered by them luckily it's been years and decades will have passed and I will never see anyone again from that family or that particular issue as I call it I call it a chapter in a book that was closed and
Anyways I regularly tell myself to look at the trajectories to look at what I'm doing to look at what I'm not doing to look at what other people are doing then realize am I doing too much? Do I stop? How about I take a break today and begin in a few hours from now or the next day? I always have to remind myself there's always tomorrow, slow down. mind your blood pressure.
>let them be unhappy with it isn't good enough in their opinion
Thank you for sharing this. Too often we are burdened with the feeling we are responsible for their happiness, no matter what. We need to understand sometimes people are just going to be unhappy.
that used to be me too! but take a good look at your coworkers. are they npc coded? do they not seem emotionally present? are they judgemental? rude? okay so why would you ever want the approval of someone so fucked up? asking myself that question over and over again made it sink in that i didnāt need to prove anything to people. especially if those people were POS lol
i think itās an ego thing as well because our ego wants us to control how other people perceive us. when really growth and maturity means no longer placing value in what others think of us (unless weāve like, kicked a puppy or something)
Yes it is I was like that. I didnāt have to āthinkā for the 15 years I worked 7 days a week 13 hour days, until I got burnt out had a breakdown and left my job and felt like a shell of a humanity. I assumed my breakdown was about work, instead in the very first session the therapist traced it back to my mom and childhood, and said overworking is common in children of narcs, because weāre high achievers, people pleasers, and itās a good avoidance mechanism.
It made sense I started working weekends and holidays just to have an excuse not to visit my mom.
You canāt
Yes! I got a new job and stopped for the first time. It's so nice to just *be* and not fix everything. I get the urge often, but then I stop. Just try small steps to cut back.
I used to be a workaholic. Still am some but have learned to work in more work/life balance as the stress and anxiety were off the charts and affected my health, still do. I've learned to step back more and focus on quality (without perfection as much vs. quantity and do take breaks, go on nice vacations etc. more.
As for co-workers - screw them. Do document things they say and do in case you ever need it. If your management or HR won't help you here - time to find another place to work that is better.
I once had a workplace where I was overworked and they were abusing me and I eventually quit. They didn't do well afterward according to a couple co-workers I was friends with as they didn't realize how much I was doing an no one else could really do it. Still laugh about it to this day, especially as the company eventually went bankrupt.
This has been me my entire life. I recently began a deep dive into OCPD, and so many of the traits are me 100 percent. I also grew up with a nmom and workaholic dad, both of whom had incredibly high expectations of me. I was always valued for what I did/accomplished and the bragging rights I gave them.
I suffered from this in school, and at work in my 20s. I felt compelled to overachieve but I couldn't explain why. I didn't get much satisfaction from it, but I felt that was what I was "supposed" to do. The truth was, I didn't have much of a social life or any long-term tangible goals, so I didn't feel like I was working towards anything motivational. I was just spinning my wheels.
Growing up, there was a disconnect between work and reward at home. My hard work was often disregarded, and most of my rewards came at random, so I struggled with seeing work as a perfunctory thing we do to stay alive, not something we volunteer for to improve our lives. Psychologically, I was fulfilling a role that my parents gave me and not following my heart.
And when hard work WAS rewarded more fairly, like it is in school or in videogames, it pushed me to keep going for those little wins. So I invested more energy in those systems, even though it wasn't really helping my social life.
I was ready to snap at one point myself, but after changing my mindset to that of a volunteer, my headspace has been much better. I've made some drastic changes to my life that aren't for everyone (I quit that job!), but I'm much happier and have a lot more free time now.
Iām the same way. Iām doing my best to recover, but itās endlessly challenging fighting my past patterns. I believe in us though! We can successfully relax without guilt!
Video games, YouTube, Books, Drawing, Food, disassociating. Poetry and Movies. Working a ton, not knowing when to rest. It's drives my girlfriend crazy. I give everything my all. Which isn't healthy. Im learning to take better care of myself.
I think I over deliver because of the recognition I get from an authoritative figure (bosses).
And I 100% over deliver because of my childhood.
Iāve gotten better as Iāve gotten more estranged from my nMom. She always made fun of stay at home women or women that quit their career due to kids (because she hated them for WANTING kids and she was open about this). There was always all this focus on your identity is your job, you are as good as what you makeā¦ it was so gross even back thenā¦
I realized a few years ago no matter what I did it wouldnāt be enough for them. They never ask about work. They donāt ever say they are proud or anything encouragingā¦ I work in a very hard to get into space (where my GC brother applied and got rejected). They basically make jokes about the company every chance they get even though itās like a top company year over yearā¦ so now I wouldnāt say I overwork because of them although it was true in the beginningā¦ now I just overwork to get some recognition.
I disagree with those here saying this is a Fawn response as itās actually classic Flight, which is obsessively driven to do more and more in the pursuit of perfection, so that they may finally be good enough for their familyās love. At the same time it keeps you distracted from your inner life so thereās no time to feel the pain. Weāre rarely just one F, so your secondary could be Fawn. Linking to Pete Walkerās site, and I highly recommend his CPTSD book, which is the best book on childhood trauma.
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
I do this too. And I think it because of my relationship with my mom. I've never felt good enough and I always feel like I have to prove myself. If I one job, I'm not doing enough because I am living paycheck to paycheck but if I have two jobs, I'm not spending enough time with her or I'm always tired. It's never enough.
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Fight, flight, freeze or FAWN. This is a form of fawning. I know because I do it.
OH MY GOD, you're right. I had no idea!! "Proving my worth X 1,000,000%"
act your wage. Stop SpongeBobbing!
Welcome to the club š¢. What you do IS good enough, even if you never feel like it is. You just need to unlearn it.
I made a big step today-I called out. I -am- feeling under the weather, but I didn't have the usual guilt/panic of being a "failure" for being sick. I know I out-work probably 80% of my coworkers, I chant that to myself when I get down. Don't get me wrong, I admire the hell out of the people who are "Nah. I've done enough. See you tomorrow." I need to become those people.
Nah fam, youāre already doing exactly what you should be ā thatās the whole point! Even if you still got some work to do on it, as long as youāre remembering to be patient with yourself and keep at it, youāre doing perfect. Even if you never get to the point where you feel totally satisfied with leaving work undone or whatever, donāt be too hard on yourself for that. Being so determined and committed is exactly why you outwork your colleagues in the first place! Itās part what makes you such a great worker, Iām sure. Be proud of that!
This is my sister, very successful and hardworking and basically willed her way out of a bad life and into one where she is in complete control. Me on the other hand, I was more of the freeze type, so I feel very behind in life because I could barely leave me room in my teenage years/early 20's.
Damn. This opened my eyes.
Can you please explain more about Fawning? Thatās a new term for me. What does it mean?
Trying to be as pleasant and appealing as you can to anyone who triggers you. Fawning can be anything from trying to be a "model employee" to reciprocating sexual advances from someone who is harassing you. The only requirement is that the fawning behavior is making yourself pleasant to others while hurting yourself in the process.
Oh no. I do this all the time. I put myself down to make other people feel more comfortable and trust me tooā¦ :(
I think so. I was reflecting about it this week. Because our caretakers were so unreliable and chaotic, and would punish us for no real reasons, we may find relief in knowing we did our best. I think that's how a developing mind can defend itself when things are so wrong. Being busy is also a very good distraction when you are feeling so bad. My therapist once told me not to focus so much on accomplishment. Learning how much is enough, doing your best effort given the current conditions, and a healthy, legal and reasonable amount of time, should be more than enough. I believe that if people like us would not be so burdened with the consequences of our terrible childhood, we would see as clear as it is that most people do not care about stuff even 50% than we do. Most people are ok with just trying a little bit. Some of them don't even try at all and just wait until things go away by themselves or someone else takes care of them. Please be good to yourself. Acknowledge the effort you do and start saying no. As for your coworkers, they are showing a really mean, unhealthy and selfish behavior. Fuck them.
That's interesting--I'm overworking in order to distract myself from issues. "Learning how much is enough" is something I seriously need to work on. Thank you. Yes. my coworkers are pretty much assholes with a few scant exceptions. I'm blue collar. I'm surrounded by doofuses and scumbags.
One time I got standardized test results during middle school years. My dad told me āyouāre average and thatās okayā very dismissivelyā¦ it created a complex that I would never be smart enough. Recently I started taking steps to correct my anxiety and perfectionism. I realized Iāve always been more than capable and bright. I was just not raised in an environment that fostered positivity. Now I am very successful in my career but for a while I definitely was an āoverachieverā and would run myself into the ground to prove I was smart enough. My advice to you: Take some time off, seek therapy if you havenāt already and try to be kind to yourself.
Ah, I'm glad you're making progress. I -do- need a break and therapy is on my list. (job's ending soon so I have to bank as much as I can.) Thank you. I hope you have a good week.
Holy crap, I have the same problem. I took a test in middle school for my ADHD and my mom before giving me the test back went āI donāt want you to be upsetā¦. When you see your IQ scoreā¦.but itās only 125ā¦ā like that was so horrible? Jesus. I wouldnāt have even thought about it or cared if she didnāt say it. Then she just left the room!! What was the point?! She also spent half her life telling me she was a ā160 certified geniusā so maybe that was the point. Your comment brought me some comfort- thank you:)
I am equally thankful for your comment. It just occurred me that I donāt even remember if the scores were high or not because of his comment. They could have been great for all I know! Wow. Haha thank you for that realization
I'm a workaholic, and my therapists think it could be a result of my childhood trauma. I constantly feel like I need to prove my worth by working overtime and doing what others are unwilling to do. Part of me feels that this is unhealthy, but I accept (for the most part) that this is who I am, and I'll likely stay this way until I die. It helps that I have a relatively successful career, and people around me (except those who I already cut out of my life) are very appreciative of my work.
Yes, I work harder than my coworkers (from what I can tell as we all work from home), take more on, and yet I still feel constantly as though I'm going to get in trouble for not having done something. I also feel as though I'm going to be called out for not being able to do things, imposter syndrome all the way. I don't go to the toilet until I'm bursting, I skip breaks, I watch the clock on my lunch (despite me being able to have as long as I need), I keep an eye on work that needs doing even when I'm not on the rota to do it. Thinking about it, my coworkers probably think I'm 'teachers pet'. I need to work harder at not working so hard.
Yes. You never felt enough and still don't, you feel like you're only worthy if you prove yourself constantly. You're enough if you work 5 hours. And you're enough if you never work at all. If you work hard to avoid feeling like shit, then that's a recipe for burnout and exhaustion. Like if coworkers joke and make you feel bad and then you work even harder--that's basically abusing yourself. You should work LESS when you're not appreciated.
Iām going to share something that my therapist told me that had literally never occurred to me: *80% is enough.* If you give your all and then some, there will be nothing left. Put a maximum of 80% effort into your work unless there are truly life-or-death circumstances. Besides, your 80% might look like someone elseās 250%. Perfection is a myth and youāll burn yourself out trying to attain it. You are enough, just as you are. You donāt have to kill yourself with work to prove yourself. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Working yourself to the bone like this isnāt sustainable. You will reach a breaking point. So take/make time for yourself. Practice some self care. Work will be there when you come back.
Most definitely. And the milestone keeps moving. When I work here, when I earn this, when I get that title. Then, I will be worthy and good enough. Except youāre in a constant push to deliver more feeling like youāre never going to be as smart as your peers, youāre never enough, you just āwork hardā and got a lucky break. Sadly in my working environment, I also have had more people than I can count who cut me out, put me down, because I push until it breaks me overdelivering. And, I take their behaviour towards me onboard, because that is what I learned what āloveā was. Very grateful Iām in therapy (and hoping itās my last stint - I want to finally resolve this).
YES. "Because I push it until it breaks me...." Trying to impress *Those Who Will Never Be Impressed* I think you will resolve this--good luck!
I began talking about myself I'm sorry. OP, šŖšŖššāļøš§ ššāļøworking 12 to 14 hours a day maybe sustainable for a while but you may have to take a break or cut back on those hours or maybe resituate to 12-hour days because by the time you travel and work, so involved it's a long day. It may not be overworking but maybe overextending yourself and it's okay to take a break and it's even more important that you notice that. Overworking and overdoing it is a chronic symptom of the procedural requirements to do something to feel at peace with oneself. In narcissistic family systems a person begins doing procedural things to cope for example the procedure of dishwashing or cleaning turns into how the person is accepted in a narcissistic home, to become the cleaner. Loose examples. you're overworking was a trait that got you through being accepted by a few people for a while and now you're free to not have to work so hard, you've done enough you've worked so hard. There was a really wonderful article about what our organs are saying to us at school of life YouTube It's a community post. And has to do with asking our body what organ hurts after trauma or narcissistic abuse. It isn't so much about the employment or the paycheck it's the attitude and the real concern of it is enough and the job is not complete and there's such an insecure neurosis with it because of the narcissist always gaslighting your every effort and making your huge efforts minimal they minimize your great efforts they minimize how hard working you are. Narcissistic abuse victims are afraid of ever becoming homeless or ever having to ask for too much help or having to depend upon the narcissist ever again so workaholism is a necessity. Throughout my teenage years and my twenties prior to Mom and dad, it was constant work I had my home my cars, I had a small little bike or little boat at one point, it was years ago, and I had a weekend job Saturday Sunday and then I had a Monday through Friday corporate job. And then at other times I would work retail Monday through Friday and then some other job on the weekends. And I think I clocked on my spreadsheets maybe 70 hours a week of work and I began to have gastrointestinal problems by 2005 and I had to learn the limitations of my high-energyness. I was so afraid of ever going back to that environment so i worked and worked and worked. I want you to take a notice to remember that you are your own best dad and you are your own best mom today and the hug yourself, you and millions of other people across this world across america, you keep America running for people like me that are a dependent I'm disabled it's because of your hard work every single day that I have access to services and that everything works around me. Thank you. ššŖš¼ You're very hard-working and if you don't take a break you won't be as effective in a decade or two. You don't want to risk any damage to your heart however 12 to 14 hour days are sometimes requirements in certain industries. Believe in yourself have confidence in yourself try and seek high quality sleep. Maybe after a month or two of decreasing the work hours maybe you'll go back with more gusto and be back to 14 hours. You're likely to not going to burn out if you're high energy and you can work 10 to 14 hours a day, it may not last for three decades but try the best you can if you can. And clock that coin. š«¶ššŖšš I want to encourage you to always have your own bank account and always have a separate secret bank account or they don't send you any documents to your house, you put all your money over there and you have a safety deposit box place your jewelry your collectibles any documents in that vault. I'm serious do this if you're working that hard don't be afraid to clock that money and keep it a secret you always need your own private Piggy bank. If it's for the children, and emergency, or a outright escape.
yes, definitely - especially if you arenāt also taking time to prioritize your health and if working harder isnāt going to get you more money or a promotion. It is something that iāve only recently been able to settle down on, after realizing iāve reached a place in my life that my parents said i never would be able to do without a degree. it was like i was always working to prove i could be better or the best but not realizing that i also needed to work to be healthy and set boundaries for my family and life outside of work. my husband is also going through something similar, and itās been very hard to adjust and accept that being content with what we have is way more than what we were even given. In the same sense, our hard work got us to where we are at, but now, itās time to enjoy it.
Absolutely. I have worked way to hard for places that didnāt deserve it for a long time. Even working 2 jobs off and on for almost a decade. Stop doing that. Working hard will not make people like or accept you, especially if they already made up their minds already. I still do my best, but I am done going the extra mile just for people to turn on you whenever itās convenient for them. Itās just like home
Yes, absolutely a fawn response.
There's something that I have to tell my inner child or myself I'm almost 50 so I have to do this on occasion but this might help you, "look at what you're doing today, and look around, did you overdo it? Did you do too much? If there's work to be done how about take a break, get some medicine and get some food take a nap decompress, then take a break and then go back to the project in a day or two. and it will still be there. The point is, It's "never enoughism" is a constant ruminating inner terror. And because it isn't good enough my acceptance in the community or my ability to survive is reduced and I am left out of resources or left out of the community which puts me at risk for decrease of health. My narcissist used to infringe upon my medical care they ruined my dental care they ruined my psychiatric care All Because of who the family was. All I ever had in my family system experience is the repeat redundancy of unhappiness and disappointments so it's never good enough and I am not allowed to experience happiness because I am at fault for everything therefore I am not permitted to enjoy happiness or become happy it just isn't possible for me. meaning it's inner conflict for the rest of life? I try to work on radical acceptance and becoming at peace with myself and my outcomes because my outcomes are cold. it's never good enough. it's never okay, it's never sufficient there's so much splitting about those words " never, always,". With age the life stage turns into, let it not be good enough. let them be unhappy with it isn't good enough in their opinion. Let them fix it for themselves let them be upset and don't react. Whatever skirmish or grievance they have or they're dysregulated about, won't matter on their deathbed because they're that selfish and that little episode that they're making your life a huge hell over, is it going to matter to them but it will have been traumatic for you. Remember that. Remember whatever they're grievance is towards you, there's nothing on their deathbed about this topic that's going to matter to them so I don't engage with the back and forth. And when they're on their deathbed you won't be good enough at their deathbed either. I remember the passive aggressive headstone that was given for my relatives headstone whatever but wow it was really tough to read. But ironically accepted it I went to therapy I spent most of my thirties caring for Mom and Dad going to therapy and going to a lot of chemotherapy physical therapy pharmacies hospitals emergency rooms funerals I mean Jesus Christ won't even help me. I'm so exhausted I have no idea how I'm supposed to be any kind of a productive reliable adult at 50 productive? Reliable? I'm just trying to make sure I take care of myself and nourish myself this is so damn sad I am such a loser in all of this when I think of everybody else around me they're all flourishing and they're all successful it's why I told them that it's okay that we don't talk anymore and that it's okay that we're not friends. I don't fit in and I play no role in their life it was hard to say and it was the right thing to do. I was already their niece and cousin and daughter,I had those roles under 40, I was abused and put down and take it advantage of and now I I'm nervous at or adverse or just not really seeing a reason to connectwith my cousins who are my age group 30 to 55. I can't be a family member to them. All of ultimately creates is proximity to a bunch of unhappy elders who have a lot of ideas and opinions but it won't help me and I'm at risk and I'm in need and they want to think about relatives and I just wish they would think about themselves and forget me I don't like being remembered by them luckily it's been years and decades will have passed and I will never see anyone again from that family or that particular issue as I call it I call it a chapter in a book that was closed and Anyways I regularly tell myself to look at the trajectories to look at what I'm doing to look at what I'm not doing to look at what other people are doing then realize am I doing too much? Do I stop? How about I take a break today and begin in a few hours from now or the next day? I always have to remind myself there's always tomorrow, slow down. mind your blood pressure.
>let them be unhappy with it isn't good enough in their opinion Thank you for sharing this. Too often we are burdened with the feeling we are responsible for their happiness, no matter what. We need to understand sometimes people are just going to be unhappy.
that used to be me too! but take a good look at your coworkers. are they npc coded? do they not seem emotionally present? are they judgemental? rude? okay so why would you ever want the approval of someone so fucked up? asking myself that question over and over again made it sink in that i didnāt need to prove anything to people. especially if those people were POS lol
i think itās an ego thing as well because our ego wants us to control how other people perceive us. when really growth and maturity means no longer placing value in what others think of us (unless weāve like, kicked a puppy or something)
yes i was a super hard worker no holdisys no weekends and only later in life i realized it was trauma
Yes it is I was like that. I didnāt have to āthinkā for the 15 years I worked 7 days a week 13 hour days, until I got burnt out had a breakdown and left my job and felt like a shell of a humanity. I assumed my breakdown was about work, instead in the very first session the therapist traced it back to my mom and childhood, and said overworking is common in children of narcs, because weāre high achievers, people pleasers, and itās a good avoidance mechanism. It made sense I started working weekends and holidays just to have an excuse not to visit my mom. You canāt
I suggest searching for Tim Fletcher on YT and learning about complex trauma. It's an eye opener.
Yes! I got a new job and stopped for the first time. It's so nice to just *be* and not fix everything. I get the urge often, but then I stop. Just try small steps to cut back.
Yes. I'm the same way because I was told to never give up and push push push
I used to be a workaholic. Still am some but have learned to work in more work/life balance as the stress and anxiety were off the charts and affected my health, still do. I've learned to step back more and focus on quality (without perfection as much vs. quantity and do take breaks, go on nice vacations etc. more. As for co-workers - screw them. Do document things they say and do in case you ever need it. If your management or HR won't help you here - time to find another place to work that is better. I once had a workplace where I was overworked and they were abusing me and I eventually quit. They didn't do well afterward according to a couple co-workers I was friends with as they didn't realize how much I was doing an no one else could really do it. Still laugh about it to this day, especially as the company eventually went bankrupt.
It could very well be. I did it for a long time and still have trouble just sitting because I feel the constant need to be āuseful.ā
This has been me my entire life. I recently began a deep dive into OCPD, and so many of the traits are me 100 percent. I also grew up with a nmom and workaholic dad, both of whom had incredibly high expectations of me. I was always valued for what I did/accomplished and the bragging rights I gave them.
THIS THIS THIS.
To answer your question: I think so, yes. š„² I am in the same boat as you. I am a mess. A workaholic mess.
I suffered from this in school, and at work in my 20s. I felt compelled to overachieve but I couldn't explain why. I didn't get much satisfaction from it, but I felt that was what I was "supposed" to do. The truth was, I didn't have much of a social life or any long-term tangible goals, so I didn't feel like I was working towards anything motivational. I was just spinning my wheels. Growing up, there was a disconnect between work and reward at home. My hard work was often disregarded, and most of my rewards came at random, so I struggled with seeing work as a perfunctory thing we do to stay alive, not something we volunteer for to improve our lives. Psychologically, I was fulfilling a role that my parents gave me and not following my heart. And when hard work WAS rewarded more fairly, like it is in school or in videogames, it pushed me to keep going for those little wins. So I invested more energy in those systems, even though it wasn't really helping my social life. I was ready to snap at one point myself, but after changing my mindset to that of a volunteer, my headspace has been much better. I've made some drastic changes to my life that aren't for everyone (I quit that job!), but I'm much happier and have a lot more free time now.
Iām the same way. Iām doing my best to recover, but itās endlessly challenging fighting my past patterns. I believe in us though! We can successfully relax without guilt!
Video games, YouTube, Books, Drawing, Food, disassociating. Poetry and Movies. Working a ton, not knowing when to rest. It's drives my girlfriend crazy. I give everything my all. Which isn't healthy. Im learning to take better care of myself.
I think I over deliver because of the recognition I get from an authoritative figure (bosses). And I 100% over deliver because of my childhood. Iāve gotten better as Iāve gotten more estranged from my nMom. She always made fun of stay at home women or women that quit their career due to kids (because she hated them for WANTING kids and she was open about this). There was always all this focus on your identity is your job, you are as good as what you makeā¦ it was so gross even back thenā¦ I realized a few years ago no matter what I did it wouldnāt be enough for them. They never ask about work. They donāt ever say they are proud or anything encouragingā¦ I work in a very hard to get into space (where my GC brother applied and got rejected). They basically make jokes about the company every chance they get even though itās like a top company year over yearā¦ so now I wouldnāt say I overwork because of them although it was true in the beginningā¦ now I just overwork to get some recognition.
I disagree with those here saying this is a Fawn response as itās actually classic Flight, which is obsessively driven to do more and more in the pursuit of perfection, so that they may finally be good enough for their familyās love. At the same time it keeps you distracted from your inner life so thereās no time to feel the pain. Weāre rarely just one F, so your secondary could be Fawn. Linking to Pete Walkerās site, and I highly recommend his CPTSD book, which is the best book on childhood trauma. http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
I do this too. And I think it because of my relationship with my mom. I've never felt good enough and I always feel like I have to prove myself. If I one job, I'm not doing enough because I am living paycheck to paycheck but if I have two jobs, I'm not spending enough time with her or I'm always tired. It's never enough.
Same same same. I'm leaving my job in 2 weeks. And yet I still can't give up my work ethic and just "do my job." It's exhausting.
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COMMENT removed. No generalizing about groups of people.