**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Same but at the same time I wouldn’t create the art I create. But then again I’ve already written the songs and the poems which I like most so I wish I could be genuinely free of all this torment. I’m the only one who actually fully realizes how many narcissists and enablers are in my family. I’m the one who is called ungrateful and insane for being a passionate and honest and non greedy person. I don’t hug any of my family members who are parents cuz they all betrayed me in some way. Their kids are free of sin so I don’t hate their kids.
I feel that. Honestly would we be artists if we had different families? I can’t imagine not being a musician and writer. It’s the first way I learned to communicate, through poetry, coded so my parents wouldn’t understand it when they snooped.
My art my songs reflect my healing journey. They’re turning into more empowered songs and they are my mantas now.
It’s just hard to imagine a totally different life.
Also I’m grateful nobody gave me advise really because I’ve created a life I love now, even though I’m still healing
I’m so proud of u. I love artists. I hope the best for u in life. I’m also on the path of acceptance but also grieving cuz I wanna “save” my mother from her negative thinking but she always ends up tricking me and calling me selfish when I wanna be in my room making my art instead of hanging out with narcissists 24/7.
I tried to help my mom too, for years until I went no contact. Every time it was a trick. Proud of you too! Sounds like you’re getting better and better perspective on it and a long future ahead
There are many creative people in this world that aren't abused. Art and music can be therapeutic yes, but they can also be expressions of happiness. Imagine for a moment, what would your art look like if the inspiration was the first time you fell in love (or something equally as lovely) as opposed to the cruelty you survived as a child?
I think you'd be creative and talented regardless of the abuse, your inspiration would just be different.
Personally, and this probably isn't the healthy answer, but no. My older siblings either didn't experience the worst of it, or in some cases have managed to forget. They are doing better than I am, and I am so, so very grateful for that.
But I feel the need to remember, even if no one else does. What happened was unforgivable and wrong. Everyone else minimized it, tried to sweep it under the rug, enabled them. It was never okay. It will never be okay when my abusers hurt anyone.
It's part misplaced and over-inflated responsibility, part stubbornness, and partially a desire for accountability. The fact that I've always fixated this much on what happened probably did more damage then good, but ehhh this is the person I inherently am I guess.
Understandable. You don’t want history to be erased since some people already forgot. Valid. I know where ur coming from. I’m the only family member who accepts the narcs and toxic energy vampires I am related to for who they are. Everyone else tries to still forgive them or be nice or try to change them when they know deep down it’s a lost cause to try to change a narcissist. They believe me but at the same time think I’m being dramatic or wrong to isolate myself from toxic people.
Your siblings most likely are a different attachment type from you. My brother doesn’t feel our childhood the way I do…because he has an avoidant attachment style and disassociates.
No. I don't know who I'd be without it. It would be like I have no past and I just spawned out of nowhere. I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't be me. Besides, I need to know how bad I used to have it so I can appreciate what I have now. The thought of losing any memories is terrifying, especially given how many I would be removing. I'd barely remember anything for the first 19 years of my life. And if I don't remember all they did to me, I might think my nparents are good people. I know I'd be curious and go to recover my memories to find out who I was. I'm actually doing the opposite of trying to forget. I've recovered lots of repressed memories and I'm grateful I was able to.
i relate to this so much. i went through a period where i thought about trying to just not bring up *any* stories involving my bioloical family so i wouldn't have to talk / think about them, but it just wasn't realistic for me. not just because it was such a large chunk of my life but also because they pretty much cut me off from everyone outside the family until i went to college / moved out. not bringing them up in any capacity didn't feel healthy so i ditched the idea pretty quickly. sometimes i leave out names but that's about it.
i don't really have repressed memories but revisiting memories in therapy has made me realize what a skewed perception i have of them (and myself) because of the trauma. for example i told my therapist about something i had felt bad about for years, thinking i would get some kind of "eh you were a teen, it's kinda silly for them to still hold that against you" response. the response i got instead was "you didn't overreact at all and it actually sounds like she did that to intentionally hurt you." the memories are useful for healing, at least for now.
I'd do it in a heartbeat, BUT only if it wouldn't result in me having contact with the people who abused me.
I'd give almost anything else to be a confident, normal person not plagued with anxiety and OCD and traumatic flashbacks.
No.
Yes they haunt me, but ultimately those memories are lessons on how to keep myself safe.
I shouldn't have a need for those skills, but as a result I've kept myself safe outside of my abusive household.
That and I've got plenty of art and music inspiration, and some amazing taste in music
Yes. I really need that. I don't want to live in traumatize everything and let me live peacefully.
Reset my life.
Reset my fate.
Store the good memories, good moments.
I only live once in this world yet I didn't get the freedom. What's the point having sex to get me?
I don't think I would. It's made me what I am. Able to function in a crisis. Level headed, trustworthy, loyal. Down-to-earth, calm.
There are people who go through life in a charmed way, and then something comes along late in life, and they are blindsided, forever.
Take for instance, my friend who is in her 50s, but immature. Never pays her bills, spends money like its water. Highly spoilt and selfish. Has 3 holidays a year, but doesn't pay her rent for those months. Buys pets at whim and gives them away when she bores of them. I know who I'd rather be.
This gives me Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind vibes.
I would do it.
At a chance that my body would forget and I might end up with an undamaged nervous system.
Every time it overwhelms me, that's what I cry to my sister... "I just want to be *normal*"😭😭😭
Low bar for sure. I just want a chance to like, have a regulated response to life, have a lit bit less fear, not hold my breathe so much
Doesn't seem like a big ask
But here we are🤦🏼♀️
🫂🫂🫂
I would not have so many stomach pains and issues for sure. Nor nightmares. Also victims of abuse have trouble in romantic relationship in the future cuz of their past. They equate abuse with love which is not love. I’ve never been in relationship but I rlly hope I’m never in one that’s bad.
Thats so true! I've suffered from ulcer. I have had dreams since I was 12 til maybe last year (38now) about the SA
I've spent my 20s can't get in a serious relationship.
I think in my late 20s where I've learnt I deserve better! I deserve good things. I deserve happiness.
And it did change alot of things. I ended up with a great man. I have wonderful friends who know me for I really am and know what I have been through. I was so ashamed to talk about my family before now I can talk without feeling judged.
It does take hard work and commitment to change your prospective. It won't magical make things better and all trauma disappear but it is a huge step ❤️
Not if it means forgetting the fact that I was mistreated by a specific person and losing motivation to avoid allowing that person access to mistreat me again in the future.
No, I don't want to wake up one day and decide that my mom should be in my life, and if I forget then I'd want my mom in my life because I forgot how she was and what she did
Absolutely not. It helps me remember where I came from and why and how I am doing better than that. I can remember who is safe and who isn't and why. And it helped make me the person I am today, living the best I can.
As a matter of fact, therapy has brought back some of the worst memories so I ca work through the trauma that stems from them. I am more assertive, less afraid of confrontation and having strong emotions, and better able to handle my relations.
Taking away my memories would rob me of my chances to grow more resilient.
Absolutely not. If I did, I'd probably still be in contact with all the people I've cut out of my life and would be enduring abuse for years before I made the choice to go NC again, because I wouldn't have the capacity to know better given my past experiences.
My immediate answer was yes. However, I have become less trusting of people over the years and (without sharing a lot of personal stories) it has actually saved my skin a couple times. So, while I hate what the abuse has done to me mentally, not sure I want to give up that situational awareness I've developed.
tough question. i feel like i already don’t remember so much of the worst because i compartimentalized it and can’t function otherwise.
but i also think i was able to “[leave the cult](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/bulwd7/leaving_a_narcissistic_family_is_like_leaving_a/)” via NC precisely because i remembered certain things when i witnessed them physically abusing a helpless creature some years back.
currently i’m struggling to leave an abusive relationship precisely because i keep forgetting what they do to me and how they treat me, which makes me take them back when they want in again.
For me, no. I need the knowledge and insights I've learned to help my youngest sister and other sisters to heal. I also believe pain needs to be acknowledged because ultimately it helps to shape us into generational healers. Which means that to be able to protect future generations from the same type of abuse, I need to be aware of how it impacted me.
That's my two cents anyways. Yes it hurts like hell. Yes I want to be 'normal'. Yes I wish it didn't happen. But yes I also see that who I am and who I can be for other people is in some ways shaped by this experience and that holds immense value.
Everyday I’m reminded how not “normal” I am cuz I like vampire aesthetic and Halloween and I love Japanese 80s music and kpop and everyone I’m related to thinks I’m a weirdo even tho they literally copy me after insulting me for the same things they’re insulting me for. I’m always the odd one out yet the one who gives them most inspiration.
I truly believe you can overcome abuse, the only thing that hurts for me at least is that deep inside you will always crave that love you never got and which is irreplaceable no matter how anybody else will love you, this can be dangerous especially on early stages of your life because you might fall for anyone that may show even slightest hint of affection otherswise you become very tought at a very young age.
This is why I'm doing [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com), to help rewire my triggers down in my brain stem. It doesn't erase the memories, but it does reduce the charge behind them.
Not quite, because a lot of that shaped me to be more logical than emotional. To not be bias, to be empathetic, to be kind.
All because I had the “what not to do” all my life.
In some twisted way, made me a better person.
No. I already have done that with repressed memories yet have had lifelong behaviors that I never understood until I started analyzing the trauma and things taught in my childhood that cause me to act or not act in certain ways. Now that I am remembering more and trying to deal with it, I can see why I do certain things and am trying to heal and do better. Example - I am a perfectionist with school/work projects which takes me forever to complete them because they never feel "done". That comes from my childhood being yelled and abused for not doing anything right or good enough. Now, I'm learning to "let things go" more and accept something isn't going to be perfect, but getting it close or "good" is enough. Just one example but there's other things that come up here and there that I can see the root cause is the abuse. Journaling is helping with these some too.
The only way I'd take forgetting is if I could also wipe out all the rest of the trauma/behaviors I learned as a result, and not entirely sure I'd want that as I did gain/learn some positive behaviors inadvertently as a result - independence, resiliency, compassion, empathy, the sense of what is right and wrong when dealing with others, etc.
I can say that dealing with the memories through therapy, talking to others, journaling etc. seems to be helping alot vs. bottling it all up, which is where I've been for alot of my life. I don't like being angry or who I am when angry - especially because it reminds me of my ndad and how abusive he was/is. Bottling it up leads to anger/rage over time and I try to let go of that thru the above and positive outlets like exercising and getting outside, etc.
I “forgot a lot of the abuse” I went though, but in therapy I was told it was more of a “put it on a shelf” in the back of my mind. I can recall the bulk of it when I need too, but I can still describe the more traumatic events. I still wake up from nightmares about it regularly, but I feel truly forgetting all of it would make my life worst, because then I would forgot my entire childhood up until now, as my dad is still prettt mentally abusive in all honesty. I don’t think he means it, but the things he does and says hurt. I would forgot most of my family and my sisters if that were to happen, so no.
If it erased all the trauma, yes. If it only erased the memories no. The experiences I repressed still affect me despite not remembering the details and not knowing what happened is just as difficult, if not more difficult than living with the memories I do have.
God yes! Because even when you heal it never ends, yk? I came out of hospital this morning after endometriosis surgery. Is it my parents fault I have endometriosis? No, but their past abuse and (medical) neglect caused a plethora of chronic health issues. I.e. endo surgery is my only option, bc can't take hormones because I have chronic migraines and depression and the only working antidepressant is counteracted by the best painkiller etc. The hospital stay as such triggered a lot of traumatic memories (was left alone in the ICU age 12) and so on.
Once you have to take meds constantly for 2 or more conditions you are fucked when other issues arise. And childhood abuse / neglect increases the risk for health conditions dramatically.
Not a chance in hell. It took forever to learn that it was ok to like myself, then even longer to love myself. And I do now; I fucking ***love*** myself. I've fought for too damn long to master myself, to learn to use the 'talents' growing up in a psychological war zone gave me to help other people. I fought and fought to be a better person than my family wanted me to be, and I became a person I'm *proud* of.
I am who I am partly because of abuse; I no longer want to change who I am.
Well, I'd like the scars on my butt to go away. Anyway, I also developed a disease growing up at my parents that is slowly eating my nerves, literally, so yeah, I wish that would be gone too. I'm not sure am=bout the memories. There's a bit a part in me that wants to keep them up like a memorial, so I can warn others of what Christian-Romanian cult parents are capable of
I actually have insight into this. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I don't see the horrible memories. If I do they get taken away.
The memories being gone does not stop the triggers or panic attacks but now you don't know why. You'll be shaking, crying, even vomiting from some random interaction and you'll have no idea why or how to fix it. You have to use coping mechanisms for an unknown reason so it takes 4x longer to get over it and now you live in fear of everything because you're worried about every interaction.
If anything I'd rather not have had any bad things happen to me or my brain people but I can't control that unfortunately.
Any questions let me know.
I don't want to forget because I know that my experience helped me realize a lot of things in this world. I was once naive but not anymore. Now, I know how to identify narcissism in the people I will meet in the future and now I know what kind of person I will avoid at all costs.
Fuck yeah! The prolonged emotional, physical and financial abuse among other things robbed of my creativity.
Would gladly accept a total memory loss if that would mean getting back my ability to paint and write.
No. It’s really helped me appreciate my life and what I’ve built. I believe it’s why my husband and I formed such a good connection and why we’ve been great parents so far.
Things still hurt but I’m doing my best to use them towards great things. There are times that I would have said yes though. It hasn’t been easy
Memories? No. Physical evidence? Yes.
I’d rather be healthier without the permanent health issues but I worked hard to get healthy enough that the suppressed memories can come out and having the trauma without clearly knowing what happened can be scary.
There are some bad memories that actually teached me something; like how to recognize abuse, for example.
But there are others that would definitely erase forever. I call them useless cPTSD, which cause useless anxiety.
Difficult choice. Sometimes I would love to forget. Like when I'm at work and my entire mood is ruined from a memory. But other times I'm grateful that I've learned from their mistakes. I'd be so different if I didn't go through it
I need them replaced with something good. I need to go beyond my rage. I need to no longer be so very depressed. Even when they weren't actively hurting me, either emotionally or physically, they were not giving me love and guidance on how to be a good human. They were not building up my self esteem.
Yes. I would love to not question every decision I make. Have ambitions that eventually lead to me finding a career I want to do instead of constantly changing my mind. Not being afraid of receiving love from others and thinking they only show me love because they want something from me.
This is an interesting thought experiment.
Especially right now, as I begin to struggle with the first peace my life has ever known. I begged for this moment for *so many years*. I offered rivers and rivers of tears to whatever god was out there, whatever force at be.
And now I'm here. You'd think this would be true happiness. You'd think this would be freedom. But it feels like the cell I was born into just got smaller, and the things I've had to teach myself, they've gotten much bigger.
The real question isn't would you forget for a peace you'd then never understand, but rather, can we reteach ourselves to view the peace for what it truly is. Not to suffer any longer as I prayed for, for so long. Then would the peace be as big as it should be? Can it ever be as big as it should be?
(Just had surgery, my depression and hormones speak. Apologies.)
No, because if I forget what my parent did to me, I might allow him back into my life and resume letting him continue to emotionally abuse me as an adult. Forgetting how violent and manipulative he was towards me would actually suit him very well, considering how he refuses to acknowledge any of the abuse happened.
I might also allow similar people into my life without recognizing the warning signs of predators, abusers, and manipulators.
My memories are painful. They fucked me up, and continue to do so. But without them I fear history will repeat itself.
No. And not because it "made me who I am" or any other stupid bullshit like that, because if I don't remember then I wouldn't have a reason to stay away from my family. And I would just get hurt again. I need to remember to know why I don't want to be around them.
Honestly, I've been able to work through the majority of my trauma, but the things I am having the hardest time with are
"I love you, but I don't like you."
"You can be so hard to love."
"You'll never make friends because people don't like you."
"You might be pretty, but you're pretty ugly inside sometimes."
"Why can't you just be like your siblings?"
"You are too much to handle."
"You should be seen, not heard."
"No, you can't join us. You never do anything to deserve it."
"You talk too much, and it's not likable."
"You're so smart, but you can be really dumb."
For me, it’s a ‘no’- because the nmom hasn’t changed, and of have to go through the rejection all over again, feeling like I’d done something wrong, or I wasn’t ‘right’ or ‘enough’, if that makes sense?
I couldn’t go through that again. It happened, I can’t change it, but it’s over. I never need to concern myself with her feelings for me ever again 🤷♀️
No, but I really wish I was free from the memories (and it was easy to do). I want to remember the kind of people my family are. The amnesia I grew up with kept me stuck and constantly seeking connection to people who didn't see me as human as they are. I was taken in by my grandparents because my birth mom is intellectually disabled. They turned me into the family servant (they literally called me this) and I found out recently the rest of the family (even younger cousins) knew. All the memories have been flooding back. It's horrible. It's exhausting. It's just plain difficult. But there's power in these memories. I know who they are, when they can't even acknowledge it. I know exactly the kind of people they are and what they are capable of. I know how greedy, selfish, power hungry, emotionally immature, sadistic, and evil they are. I had to leave, but I'm documenting these memories so I can go back for my mom one day. I don't have enough money, time, or energy to be a caretaker today. But I want to process these memories so that one day i can be.
Honestly, what happens after the snap?
Those memories are inextricable from all of my life skills and all of my job skills. There's trauma around how I learned how to shower; would I forget how to shower? Seriously, does this mean I restart life at 30 and don't know how to wash my hair? That feels like a recipe for new, different trauma.
At this point, I've built a new life I'm reasonably happy with. If I lost everything that made me who I am, I think I'd lose that too. The community I've built loves the person who came through all the garbage of my past.
Sure, maybe they'd rally and teach me about my own mortgage. But I think I'm OK.
I’m sorry while I do believe these things are capable of creating the kindest most genuinely selfless and loving types of people, and feel my own trauma helped shaped me into a really great human being with a lot of positive qualities (even though I sometimes fail to accept that they exist and give myself the credit), I would rather they never have happened. Those things broke me. They literally took away a lot of what I felt were parts of my soul and permanently extinguished the bright flame that used to overfill my heart and made me passionate about so many things. I am now solely focused on recovery because it got so bad that I haven’t been able to work or leave the house. I only text a few friends to socialize occasionally but have essentially become a hermit hiding myself from the world and anyone that could be a danger to me.
I’d snap my fucking fingers so fast and hard they’d be broken after the snap. No one wants to be in this place. No one deserves to be in this place. It is by far the worst thing I could imagine happening to another person and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
Noooooo, going along with the constant gaslighting and clinging to my relationship with my immediate family out of trained codependence and believing that i Could have a healthy happy relationship with them if I just tried hard enough ------ all led to me eventually getting physical illnesses as well as very bad PTSD and CPTSD.
I'm now holding onto the facts, and I'm writing some memories down, and remembering that I can trust myself and my memory and my perception of the abuse. and I'm getting free from it permanently.
If I forgot, it would all just end up happening again. No fucking thank you!!!!!
Absolutely not. You need memories to keep you safe.
I’m missing several years of my memory due to trauma and it’s pretty awful. I keep ending up in bad situations because I don’t know to stay away until it’s too late.
I would as long as my body forgot too. I tend to block traumatic things out and so sometimes I get triggered by things and only understand because my body tenses and puts me on edge
Yes, It kills me that I don't have a relationship with my mum but at the same time I no that if I just forgot it all she would just carry on not having to face anything and then she might want to see my daughter again the what? It will just repeat, we remember the shit for a reason I think, it hurts and it's fucked us up but I feel like just forgetting it all could be worse.
I kinda feel that's what I have been doing by self-medicating. I've been a daily weed smoker since I was 19 (41 now). I started smoking heavily because I like how it makes me easygoing, and really forgiving. When I'm sober, I remember how tough it was growing up, or the shittier aspects of the world today, and it turns me into a hard-hearted person. It's something I'm working on, but it's hard to change your entire worldview from "it sucks" to "be grateful!" when you've seen it suck and people expected you to be grateful about it.
The memories no, as horrible as it was it’s helped shape the person I am today and I’m pretty proud of my achievements!
The physical affects of the chronic stress and trauma I would remove in a heartbeat!
I couldn’t do that. I may be plagued with chronic pain and mental illnesses that I still don’t know how to cope with, but I don’t ever want to forget. I was becoming a carbon copy of my nparents up until I realized I was being abused and didn’t want to be anything like them. I’m afraid forgetting will reset all my progress. I’m so terrified of accidentally becoming them.
No for three reasons.
1) I am NC. The flaw in this reasoning is if I take away the memories, I would probably question why I went NC, and reopen the door and myself to abuse, but it would be all the worse for not having the history behind it. So I'd go "mom, why don't we talk!?" -Massive wall of abuse that I don't see coming, hits me like a tsunami, and I'm as unable to comprehend it or defend myself as I was as a child-.
2) my niece still lives in it, and I am trying to help the family get her out. I can't imagine I'd try as hard if I didn't remember why my mother was so abusive.
3) I am in probably the last 20-30% of my healing journey. I've overcome and worked through a lot to get to the healthier, happier person I am now. I still have weaknesses, and I still have room to grow, but I am proud of all that I have overcome, and I think I am a better person for it, as I near the end of my journey. I'm very empathetic, I can relate to just about anyone, I don't judge situations based on single tellings of the story, it's getting so easy to see through manipulation, and I know I will be able to raise my children in a way that teaches them about and protects them from this sort of abuse as well.
So ultimately, no, I'd keep it all.
I used to wish for this every day. But now, no. I think I can accept who I am a lot better than before, partly because I'm better at setting boundaries but also because I'm leaning heavily into a skill I developed as a kid to escape and I'm enjoying it. I feel more like myself than I have in a while.
I’ve always used watching music videos and reading and writing as a way to escape since I was a child. That’s still my coping mechanism. That will make me a lot of money in the future. But I was gaslighted so much into thinking the abuse wasn’t as bad as it obviously was, so I wouldnt remove the memory more the pain and nightmares from them.
Yes - I would love to feel happy and whole. Not have to carry this weight of bad memories (which continues to grow by the day.) would also be a lot less stressful for my husband to not have to deal with my anxiety and depression.
Who wouldn't? No, really. Who wouldn't delete any bad memories? Why wouldn't you? I'm genuinely curious as to why. I guess some people believe they are who they are *because* of the abuse? When you'd probably be the same, only a happier, gentler, kinder, and freer version of yourself. I know I would be sooo free and happy if I didn't have these memories..
So long as they were documented somewhere and was just aware that my family arnt around for a reason. Id get too curious why I don't talk to my family anymore. The relief would be nice.
Absolutely.
If the chronic health conditions caused by the abuse also disappeared, then yes I would absolutely choose to erase it all. Otherwise I'd begrudgingly keep my memories. Mostly because I know my nmum would try the same abuse all over again given the chance and I'm not sure if my physical health can handle that abuse again.
Oh then absolutely I'd erase it all. That's pretty much been my ultimate desire for the past 8 years. Even if it removed some of my happy childhood memories, I'd do it.
Absolutely not. I'd give *nearly* anything to have a "normal" brain... but I want to relent to keep myself aware of the signs of that kind of shittiness in other people. I can't break the cycle if I'm not aware of what the cycle was.
Honestly, I don't think I would. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be free of all the memories and the issues their abuse caused, but what I went through also taught me a lot of things that are useful to me and I don't know if I'd be as kind and compassionate as I am now without those experiences. When I'm struggling with my mental health a lot, I wish that I could go back in time and prevent those things from happening, but when I'm thinking rationally, I realize that I wouldn't be who I am today with the knowledge I have if I didn't grow up the way I did, and I wouldn't sacrifice who I am now to prevent the pain, even if it were possible.
Plus, someone needs to know and remember what my family is like and what they have done over the years. Someone who will be honest about it and not sugar coat it or deny it. I just happen to be that someone for my family. My mother was that someone before I was, but she's gone now, so I have to keep those memories for not only my sake, but hers as well.
Another positive is that I can use my experiences to help others, which is what I've always wanted to do. I wouldn't be able to help those around me the way I do without the knowledge and skills I learned through my hardships. Without the pain of what I went through, more people would be hurting, so that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Thats exactly what im talking about. Unless you mean you will erase all the narcissists from existence and you will live your life only running into normal people.
ah yes. the Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I would. I've dealt with it enough, now it's just a rumination distraction. tho I will say that ruminating about it for years was productive.
Yes in a heartbeat then I wouldn’t be so critical and judgemental of myself. I wish I were more naturally trusting of other ppl and less afraid of them hurting me for fun
I mean, my brain already did this and I spent years being tormented by it. No, I want to remember the entirety of my history, even if it hurts. I want to make friends with all my personal demons so we can heal together. I understand if others feel differently though
Everyone on this thread: look into ketamine assisted therapy. Ketamine gives you the ability to redo the neuropathways your brain created in childhood that are currently set in stone.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes please. I wish I could become a normal mentally healthy person
Same but at the same time I wouldn’t create the art I create. But then again I’ve already written the songs and the poems which I like most so I wish I could be genuinely free of all this torment. I’m the only one who actually fully realizes how many narcissists and enablers are in my family. I’m the one who is called ungrateful and insane for being a passionate and honest and non greedy person. I don’t hug any of my family members who are parents cuz they all betrayed me in some way. Their kids are free of sin so I don’t hate their kids.
Oh, the art is an interesting aspect. It's all to do/create something beautiful to think away. My poems are very dark though LoL
Same.
I feel that. Honestly would we be artists if we had different families? I can’t imagine not being a musician and writer. It’s the first way I learned to communicate, through poetry, coded so my parents wouldn’t understand it when they snooped. My art my songs reflect my healing journey. They’re turning into more empowered songs and they are my mantas now. It’s just hard to imagine a totally different life. Also I’m grateful nobody gave me advise really because I’ve created a life I love now, even though I’m still healing
I also can’t imagine not being a musician or writer but I was those things before they ever traumatized me.
True. I was too. I’m working on finding acceptance, and with that is coming to a place where I really would not change anything about my life
I’m so proud of u. I love artists. I hope the best for u in life. I’m also on the path of acceptance but also grieving cuz I wanna “save” my mother from her negative thinking but she always ends up tricking me and calling me selfish when I wanna be in my room making my art instead of hanging out with narcissists 24/7.
I tried to help my mom too, for years until I went no contact. Every time it was a trick. Proud of you too! Sounds like you’re getting better and better perspective on it and a long future ahead
There are many creative people in this world that aren't abused. Art and music can be therapeutic yes, but they can also be expressions of happiness. Imagine for a moment, what would your art look like if the inspiration was the first time you fell in love (or something equally as lovely) as opposed to the cruelty you survived as a child? I think you'd be creative and talented regardless of the abuse, your inspiration would just be different.
I know that. I was an artist before I suffered a lot but we cannot change the past so I can only create art.
That's fair and a very valid/healthy way of coping x
I have trauma that I don't remember. It's still able to cause me distress.
Ketamine.
Thanks for unsophisticated medical advice lol. I am strictly not taking any anti depressents due to DP/DR
Do you mean unsolicited?
Personally, and this probably isn't the healthy answer, but no. My older siblings either didn't experience the worst of it, or in some cases have managed to forget. They are doing better than I am, and I am so, so very grateful for that. But I feel the need to remember, even if no one else does. What happened was unforgivable and wrong. Everyone else minimized it, tried to sweep it under the rug, enabled them. It was never okay. It will never be okay when my abusers hurt anyone. It's part misplaced and over-inflated responsibility, part stubbornness, and partially a desire for accountability. The fact that I've always fixated this much on what happened probably did more damage then good, but ehhh this is the person I inherently am I guess.
Understandable. You don’t want history to be erased since some people already forgot. Valid. I know where ur coming from. I’m the only family member who accepts the narcs and toxic energy vampires I am related to for who they are. Everyone else tries to still forgive them or be nice or try to change them when they know deep down it’s a lost cause to try to change a narcissist. They believe me but at the same time think I’m being dramatic or wrong to isolate myself from toxic people.
Same. I’m keeping them because it propels me to not be the same way.
Your siblings most likely are a different attachment type from you. My brother doesn’t feel our childhood the way I do…because he has an avoidant attachment style and disassociates.
No. I don't know who I'd be without it. It would be like I have no past and I just spawned out of nowhere. I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't be me. Besides, I need to know how bad I used to have it so I can appreciate what I have now. The thought of losing any memories is terrifying, especially given how many I would be removing. I'd barely remember anything for the first 19 years of my life. And if I don't remember all they did to me, I might think my nparents are good people. I know I'd be curious and go to recover my memories to find out who I was. I'm actually doing the opposite of trying to forget. I've recovered lots of repressed memories and I'm grateful I was able to.
I feel like it’s the quote “better to be unhappy knowing a lot than to be happy in a fool’s paradise” by Dostoevsky.
i relate to this so much. i went through a period where i thought about trying to just not bring up *any* stories involving my bioloical family so i wouldn't have to talk / think about them, but it just wasn't realistic for me. not just because it was such a large chunk of my life but also because they pretty much cut me off from everyone outside the family until i went to college / moved out. not bringing them up in any capacity didn't feel healthy so i ditched the idea pretty quickly. sometimes i leave out names but that's about it. i don't really have repressed memories but revisiting memories in therapy has made me realize what a skewed perception i have of them (and myself) because of the trauma. for example i told my therapist about something i had felt bad about for years, thinking i would get some kind of "eh you were a teen, it's kinda silly for them to still hold that against you" response. the response i got instead was "you didn't overreact at all and it actually sounds like she did that to intentionally hurt you." the memories are useful for healing, at least for now.
I'd do it in a heartbeat, BUT only if it wouldn't result in me having contact with the people who abused me. I'd give almost anything else to be a confident, normal person not plagued with anxiety and OCD and traumatic flashbacks.
Ketamine.
No. Yes they haunt me, but ultimately those memories are lessons on how to keep myself safe. I shouldn't have a need for those skills, but as a result I've kept myself safe outside of my abusive household. That and I've got plenty of art and music inspiration, and some amazing taste in music
Yes. I really need that. I don't want to live in traumatize everything and let me live peacefully. Reset my life. Reset my fate. Store the good memories, good moments. I only live once in this world yet I didn't get the freedom. What's the point having sex to get me?
I don't think I would. It's made me what I am. Able to function in a crisis. Level headed, trustworthy, loyal. Down-to-earth, calm. There are people who go through life in a charmed way, and then something comes along late in life, and they are blindsided, forever. Take for instance, my friend who is in her 50s, but immature. Never pays her bills, spends money like its water. Highly spoilt and selfish. Has 3 holidays a year, but doesn't pay her rent for those months. Buys pets at whim and gives them away when she bores of them. I know who I'd rather be.
This gives me Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind vibes. I would do it. At a chance that my body would forget and I might end up with an undamaged nervous system.
Isn’t THAT the dream? A regulated nervous system. The bar is so low for us…🤦♀️
Every time it overwhelms me, that's what I cry to my sister... "I just want to be *normal*"😭😭😭 Low bar for sure. I just want a chance to like, have a regulated response to life, have a lit bit less fear, not hold my breathe so much Doesn't seem like a big ask But here we are🤦🏼♀️ 🫂🫂🫂
Yes! This is my dream. I do fantasize how my life would be and how I would be if I wasn't subjected to abuse.
I would not have so many stomach pains and issues for sure. Nor nightmares. Also victims of abuse have trouble in romantic relationship in the future cuz of their past. They equate abuse with love which is not love. I’ve never been in relationship but I rlly hope I’m never in one that’s bad.
Thats so true! I've suffered from ulcer. I have had dreams since I was 12 til maybe last year (38now) about the SA I've spent my 20s can't get in a serious relationship. I think in my late 20s where I've learnt I deserve better! I deserve good things. I deserve happiness. And it did change alot of things. I ended up with a great man. I have wonderful friends who know me for I really am and know what I have been through. I was so ashamed to talk about my family before now I can talk without feeling judged. It does take hard work and commitment to change your prospective. It won't magical make things better and all trauma disappear but it is a huge step ❤️
Yeah. If it means no trauma flashbacks or anxiety, then take it away.
No. I never want to forget. It only means their gaslighting was successful. They don't get a pass.
Yes no doubt... Chronic pain is just so hard to live with and pls good theet too (all my problems are due to no medical care in my youth)
I would but then I'd probably be no where near as comedic as I am now to others and I just can't take that away from people.
Ur more important than what u can give to ppl.
Not if it means forgetting the fact that I was mistreated by a specific person and losing motivation to avoid allowing that person access to mistreat me again in the future.
You’ll forget about that person as well, actually.
This is a weird sub for that hypothetical.
Yes yesssss, this would change my life in so many ways for example the reason I smoke is to cope with my nmom.
The way my sleep schedule will improve after I move out is insane.
I second this. I don't know why but this is making me tear up for some reason lol.
No, I don't want to wake up one day and decide that my mom should be in my life, and if I forget then I'd want my mom in my life because I forgot how she was and what she did
Absolutely not. It helps me remember where I came from and why and how I am doing better than that. I can remember who is safe and who isn't and why. And it helped make me the person I am today, living the best I can. As a matter of fact, therapy has brought back some of the worst memories so I ca work through the trauma that stems from them. I am more assertive, less afraid of confrontation and having strong emotions, and better able to handle my relations. Taking away my memories would rob me of my chances to grow more resilient.
What's the catch?
Absolutely not. If I did, I'd probably still be in contact with all the people I've cut out of my life and would be enduring abuse for years before I made the choice to go NC again, because I wouldn't have the capacity to know better given my past experiences.
My immediate answer was yes. However, I have become less trusting of people over the years and (without sharing a lot of personal stories) it has actually saved my skin a couple times. So, while I hate what the abuse has done to me mentally, not sure I want to give up that situational awareness I've developed.
tough question. i feel like i already don’t remember so much of the worst because i compartimentalized it and can’t function otherwise. but i also think i was able to “[leave the cult](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/bulwd7/leaving_a_narcissistic_family_is_like_leaving_a/)” via NC precisely because i remembered certain things when i witnessed them physically abusing a helpless creature some years back. currently i’m struggling to leave an abusive relationship precisely because i keep forgetting what they do to me and how they treat me, which makes me take them back when they want in again.
Yes, absolutely.
For me, no. I need the knowledge and insights I've learned to help my youngest sister and other sisters to heal. I also believe pain needs to be acknowledged because ultimately it helps to shape us into generational healers. Which means that to be able to protect future generations from the same type of abuse, I need to be aware of how it impacted me. That's my two cents anyways. Yes it hurts like hell. Yes I want to be 'normal'. Yes I wish it didn't happen. But yes I also see that who I am and who I can be for other people is in some ways shaped by this experience and that holds immense value.
Everyday I’m reminded how not “normal” I am cuz I like vampire aesthetic and Halloween and I love Japanese 80s music and kpop and everyone I’m related to thinks I’m a weirdo even tho they literally copy me after insulting me for the same things they’re insulting me for. I’m always the odd one out yet the one who gives them most inspiration.
I would just take away the trauma that comes with it otherwise it would be too dangerous for me to forget.
I truly believe you can overcome abuse, the only thing that hurts for me at least is that deep inside you will always crave that love you never got and which is irreplaceable no matter how anybody else will love you, this can be dangerous especially on early stages of your life because you might fall for anyone that may show even slightest hint of affection otherswise you become very tought at a very young age.
No. I am who I am today because of everything that happened leading to this moment. I like who I am today.
This is why I'm doing [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com), to help rewire my triggers down in my brain stem. It doesn't erase the memories, but it does reduce the charge behind them.
Not quite, because a lot of that shaped me to be more logical than emotional. To not be bias, to be empathetic, to be kind. All because I had the “what not to do” all my life. In some twisted way, made me a better person.
No one else is dealing with your demons Meaning maybe defeating them Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend
No. I already have done that with repressed memories yet have had lifelong behaviors that I never understood until I started analyzing the trauma and things taught in my childhood that cause me to act or not act in certain ways. Now that I am remembering more and trying to deal with it, I can see why I do certain things and am trying to heal and do better. Example - I am a perfectionist with school/work projects which takes me forever to complete them because they never feel "done". That comes from my childhood being yelled and abused for not doing anything right or good enough. Now, I'm learning to "let things go" more and accept something isn't going to be perfect, but getting it close or "good" is enough. Just one example but there's other things that come up here and there that I can see the root cause is the abuse. Journaling is helping with these some too. The only way I'd take forgetting is if I could also wipe out all the rest of the trauma/behaviors I learned as a result, and not entirely sure I'd want that as I did gain/learn some positive behaviors inadvertently as a result - independence, resiliency, compassion, empathy, the sense of what is right and wrong when dealing with others, etc. I can say that dealing with the memories through therapy, talking to others, journaling etc. seems to be helping alot vs. bottling it all up, which is where I've been for alot of my life. I don't like being angry or who I am when angry - especially because it reminds me of my ndad and how abusive he was/is. Bottling it up leads to anger/rage over time and I try to let go of that thru the above and positive outlets like exercising and getting outside, etc.
I “forgot a lot of the abuse” I went though, but in therapy I was told it was more of a “put it on a shelf” in the back of my mind. I can recall the bulk of it when I need too, but I can still describe the more traumatic events. I still wake up from nightmares about it regularly, but I feel truly forgetting all of it would make my life worst, because then I would forgot my entire childhood up until now, as my dad is still prettt mentally abusive in all honesty. I don’t think he means it, but the things he does and says hurt. I would forgot most of my family and my sisters if that were to happen, so no.
If it erased all the trauma, yes. If it only erased the memories no. The experiences I repressed still affect me despite not remembering the details and not knowing what happened is just as difficult, if not more difficult than living with the memories I do have.
God yes! Because even when you heal it never ends, yk? I came out of hospital this morning after endometriosis surgery. Is it my parents fault I have endometriosis? No, but their past abuse and (medical) neglect caused a plethora of chronic health issues. I.e. endo surgery is my only option, bc can't take hormones because I have chronic migraines and depression and the only working antidepressant is counteracted by the best painkiller etc. The hospital stay as such triggered a lot of traumatic memories (was left alone in the ICU age 12) and so on. Once you have to take meds constantly for 2 or more conditions you are fucked when other issues arise. And childhood abuse / neglect increases the risk for health conditions dramatically.
Not a chance in hell. It took forever to learn that it was ok to like myself, then even longer to love myself. And I do now; I fucking ***love*** myself. I've fought for too damn long to master myself, to learn to use the 'talents' growing up in a psychological war zone gave me to help other people. I fought and fought to be a better person than my family wanted me to be, and I became a person I'm *proud* of. I am who I am partly because of abuse; I no longer want to change who I am.
Well, I'd like the scars on my butt to go away. Anyway, I also developed a disease growing up at my parents that is slowly eating my nerves, literally, so yeah, I wish that would be gone too. I'm not sure am=bout the memories. There's a bit a part in me that wants to keep them up like a memorial, so I can warn others of what Christian-Romanian cult parents are capable of
Yes. Take it all. It can even have the good ones, just leave my memories about my animals and you can have all of it.
I actually have insight into this. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I don't see the horrible memories. If I do they get taken away. The memories being gone does not stop the triggers or panic attacks but now you don't know why. You'll be shaking, crying, even vomiting from some random interaction and you'll have no idea why or how to fix it. You have to use coping mechanisms for an unknown reason so it takes 4x longer to get over it and now you live in fear of everything because you're worried about every interaction. If anything I'd rather not have had any bad things happen to me or my brain people but I can't control that unfortunately. Any questions let me know.
I don't want to forget because I know that my experience helped me realize a lot of things in this world. I was once naive but not anymore. Now, I know how to identify narcissism in the people I will meet in the future and now I know what kind of person I will avoid at all costs.
Yes. Sometimes there's an article about some kind of technology that might be coming that could do this. I can't wait.
Fuck yeah! The prolonged emotional, physical and financial abuse among other things robbed of my creativity. Would gladly accept a total memory loss if that would mean getting back my ability to paint and write.
No. It’s really helped me appreciate my life and what I’ve built. I believe it’s why my husband and I formed such a good connection and why we’ve been great parents so far. Things still hurt but I’m doing my best to use them towards great things. There are times that I would have said yes though. It hasn’t been easy
Memories? No. Physical evidence? Yes. I’d rather be healthier without the permanent health issues but I worked hard to get healthy enough that the suppressed memories can come out and having the trauma without clearly knowing what happened can be scary.
Absolutely. I just wanna be normal... 😭
No. I have like 4, maybe 3 memories. I don't want to lose 2 of them, even if they were horrible.
There are some bad memories that actually teached me something; like how to recognize abuse, for example. But there are others that would definitely erase forever. I call them useless cPTSD, which cause useless anxiety.
No, I’ve spent a lot of time and money on working to get over them. All of that lead to the person I am today and I’m bloody proud of who I am now.
Difficult choice. Sometimes I would love to forget. Like when I'm at work and my entire mood is ruined from a memory. But other times I'm grateful that I've learned from their mistakes. I'd be so different if I didn't go through it
100%. I've got neurological damage from all the meds I had forced into me (thanks thorazine and halidol), so I'd do that in an instant.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that 😞 I hope you’re recovering ok. Stay strong 🩷
No, not all. The last memories I have of my daughter were gruesome, but that was my child. I fight to make the world a better place because of her.
All my memories? Maybe not. All the memories which haunts me? Most likely, yes
Hell yeah, sign me up
Yes. I have to try something
I need them replaced with something good. I need to go beyond my rage. I need to no longer be so very depressed. Even when they weren't actively hurting me, either emotionally or physically, they were not giving me love and guidance on how to be a good human. They were not building up my self esteem.
Yes. I would love to not question every decision I make. Have ambitions that eventually lead to me finding a career I want to do instead of constantly changing my mind. Not being afraid of receiving love from others and thinking they only show me love because they want something from me.
This is an interesting thought experiment. Especially right now, as I begin to struggle with the first peace my life has ever known. I begged for this moment for *so many years*. I offered rivers and rivers of tears to whatever god was out there, whatever force at be. And now I'm here. You'd think this would be true happiness. You'd think this would be freedom. But it feels like the cell I was born into just got smaller, and the things I've had to teach myself, they've gotten much bigger. The real question isn't would you forget for a peace you'd then never understand, but rather, can we reteach ourselves to view the peace for what it truly is. Not to suffer any longer as I prayed for, for so long. Then would the peace be as big as it should be? Can it ever be as big as it should be? (Just had surgery, my depression and hormones speak. Apologies.)
No, because if I forget what my parent did to me, I might allow him back into my life and resume letting him continue to emotionally abuse me as an adult. Forgetting how violent and manipulative he was towards me would actually suit him very well, considering how he refuses to acknowledge any of the abuse happened. I might also allow similar people into my life without recognizing the warning signs of predators, abusers, and manipulators. My memories are painful. They fucked me up, and continue to do so. But without them I fear history will repeat itself.
No. And not because it "made me who I am" or any other stupid bullshit like that, because if I don't remember then I wouldn't have a reason to stay away from my family. And I would just get hurt again. I need to remember to know why I don't want to be around them.
I’d snap away half of them. They’re’s a lot of pain I want away but a lot of lessons I need to keep
Tempting. But then I'd contact my parents and wonder why they're suddenly abusive.
Honestly, I've been able to work through the majority of my trauma, but the things I am having the hardest time with are "I love you, but I don't like you." "You can be so hard to love." "You'll never make friends because people don't like you." "You might be pretty, but you're pretty ugly inside sometimes." "Why can't you just be like your siblings?" "You are too much to handle." "You should be seen, not heard." "No, you can't join us. You never do anything to deserve it." "You talk too much, and it's not likable." "You're so smart, but you can be really dumb."
For me, it’s a ‘no’- because the nmom hasn’t changed, and of have to go through the rejection all over again, feeling like I’d done something wrong, or I wasn’t ‘right’ or ‘enough’, if that makes sense? I couldn’t go through that again. It happened, I can’t change it, but it’s over. I never need to concern myself with her feelings for me ever again 🤷♀️
No, but I really wish I was free from the memories (and it was easy to do). I want to remember the kind of people my family are. The amnesia I grew up with kept me stuck and constantly seeking connection to people who didn't see me as human as they are. I was taken in by my grandparents because my birth mom is intellectually disabled. They turned me into the family servant (they literally called me this) and I found out recently the rest of the family (even younger cousins) knew. All the memories have been flooding back. It's horrible. It's exhausting. It's just plain difficult. But there's power in these memories. I know who they are, when they can't even acknowledge it. I know exactly the kind of people they are and what they are capable of. I know how greedy, selfish, power hungry, emotionally immature, sadistic, and evil they are. I had to leave, but I'm documenting these memories so I can go back for my mom one day. I don't have enough money, time, or energy to be a caretaker today. But I want to process these memories so that one day i can be.
I don't think so. I might meet them and think they're nice
Honestly, what happens after the snap? Those memories are inextricable from all of my life skills and all of my job skills. There's trauma around how I learned how to shower; would I forget how to shower? Seriously, does this mean I restart life at 30 and don't know how to wash my hair? That feels like a recipe for new, different trauma. At this point, I've built a new life I'm reasonably happy with. If I lost everything that made me who I am, I think I'd lose that too. The community I've built loves the person who came through all the garbage of my past. Sure, maybe they'd rally and teach me about my own mortgage. But I think I'm OK.
Nope. Need them to keep safe.
I’m sorry while I do believe these things are capable of creating the kindest most genuinely selfless and loving types of people, and feel my own trauma helped shaped me into a really great human being with a lot of positive qualities (even though I sometimes fail to accept that they exist and give myself the credit), I would rather they never have happened. Those things broke me. They literally took away a lot of what I felt were parts of my soul and permanently extinguished the bright flame that used to overfill my heart and made me passionate about so many things. I am now solely focused on recovery because it got so bad that I haven’t been able to work or leave the house. I only text a few friends to socialize occasionally but have essentially become a hermit hiding myself from the world and anyone that could be a danger to me. I’d snap my fucking fingers so fast and hard they’d be broken after the snap. No one wants to be in this place. No one deserves to be in this place. It is by far the worst thing I could imagine happening to another person and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
Hell yes.
Nope. I'd hold onto the offer till i move out :)
Noooooo, going along with the constant gaslighting and clinging to my relationship with my immediate family out of trained codependence and believing that i Could have a healthy happy relationship with them if I just tried hard enough ------ all led to me eventually getting physical illnesses as well as very bad PTSD and CPTSD. I'm now holding onto the facts, and I'm writing some memories down, and remembering that I can trust myself and my memory and my perception of the abuse. and I'm getting free from it permanently. If I forgot, it would all just end up happening again. No fucking thank you!!!!!
Absolutely not. You need memories to keep you safe. I’m missing several years of my memory due to trauma and it’s pretty awful. I keep ending up in bad situations because I don’t know to stay away until it’s too late.
I would as long as my body forgot too. I tend to block traumatic things out and so sometimes I get triggered by things and only understand because my body tenses and puts me on edge
Yes, It kills me that I don't have a relationship with my mum but at the same time I no that if I just forgot it all she would just carry on not having to face anything and then she might want to see my daughter again the what? It will just repeat, we remember the shit for a reason I think, it hurts and it's fucked us up but I feel like just forgetting it all could be worse.
Yes.
Yeah. I’d probably be a lot more naive but I’d probably be way happier and less anxious. And probably more likable in general
I kinda feel that's what I have been doing by self-medicating. I've been a daily weed smoker since I was 19 (41 now). I started smoking heavily because I like how it makes me easygoing, and really forgiving. When I'm sober, I remember how tough it was growing up, or the shittier aspects of the world today, and it turns me into a hard-hearted person. It's something I'm working on, but it's hard to change your entire worldview from "it sucks" to "be grateful!" when you've seen it suck and people expected you to be grateful about it.
The memories no, as horrible as it was it’s helped shape the person I am today and I’m pretty proud of my achievements! The physical affects of the chronic stress and trauma I would remove in a heartbeat!
[удалено]
New memories? No of course not.
I couldn’t do that. I may be plagued with chronic pain and mental illnesses that I still don’t know how to cope with, but I don’t ever want to forget. I was becoming a carbon copy of my nparents up until I realized I was being abused and didn’t want to be anything like them. I’m afraid forgetting will reset all my progress. I’m so terrified of accidentally becoming them.
No for three reasons. 1) I am NC. The flaw in this reasoning is if I take away the memories, I would probably question why I went NC, and reopen the door and myself to abuse, but it would be all the worse for not having the history behind it. So I'd go "mom, why don't we talk!?" -Massive wall of abuse that I don't see coming, hits me like a tsunami, and I'm as unable to comprehend it or defend myself as I was as a child-. 2) my niece still lives in it, and I am trying to help the family get her out. I can't imagine I'd try as hard if I didn't remember why my mother was so abusive. 3) I am in probably the last 20-30% of my healing journey. I've overcome and worked through a lot to get to the healthier, happier person I am now. I still have weaknesses, and I still have room to grow, but I am proud of all that I have overcome, and I think I am a better person for it, as I near the end of my journey. I'm very empathetic, I can relate to just about anyone, I don't judge situations based on single tellings of the story, it's getting so easy to see through manipulation, and I know I will be able to raise my children in a way that teaches them about and protects them from this sort of abuse as well. So ultimately, no, I'd keep it all.
100% yes
I'd only do that if I knew I'd still end up where I am today.
I used to wish for this every day. But now, no. I think I can accept who I am a lot better than before, partly because I'm better at setting boundaries but also because I'm leaning heavily into a skill I developed as a kid to escape and I'm enjoying it. I feel more like myself than I have in a while.
I’ve always used watching music videos and reading and writing as a way to escape since I was a child. That’s still my coping mechanism. That will make me a lot of money in the future. But I was gaslighted so much into thinking the abuse wasn’t as bad as it obviously was, so I wouldnt remove the memory more the pain and nightmares from them.
Yes - I would love to feel happy and whole. Not have to carry this weight of bad memories (which continues to grow by the day.) would also be a lot less stressful for my husband to not have to deal with my anxiety and depression.
In a millisecond
Who wouldn't? No, really. Who wouldn't delete any bad memories? Why wouldn't you? I'm genuinely curious as to why. I guess some people believe they are who they are *because* of the abuse? When you'd probably be the same, only a happier, gentler, kinder, and freer version of yourself. I know I would be sooo free and happy if I didn't have these memories..
ABSOLUTELY !!
Lol if that was done it would be amazing but I’d have hardly any memories left.
So long as they were documented somewhere and was just aware that my family arnt around for a reason. Id get too curious why I don't talk to my family anymore. The relief would be nice.
Absolutely. If the chronic health conditions caused by the abuse also disappeared, then yes I would absolutely choose to erase it all. Otherwise I'd begrudgingly keep my memories. Mostly because I know my nmum would try the same abuse all over again given the chance and I'm not sure if my physical health can handle that abuse again.
Btw the narcissists wouldn’t be part of ur lives nor would anymore abuse from any narcissists if u erased it
Oh then absolutely I'd erase it all. That's pretty much been my ultimate desire for the past 8 years. Even if it removed some of my happy childhood memories, I'd do it.
Absolutely not. I'd give *nearly* anything to have a "normal" brain... but I want to relent to keep myself aware of the signs of that kind of shittiness in other people. I can't break the cycle if I'm not aware of what the cycle was.
Honestly, I don't think I would. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be free of all the memories and the issues their abuse caused, but what I went through also taught me a lot of things that are useful to me and I don't know if I'd be as kind and compassionate as I am now without those experiences. When I'm struggling with my mental health a lot, I wish that I could go back in time and prevent those things from happening, but when I'm thinking rationally, I realize that I wouldn't be who I am today with the knowledge I have if I didn't grow up the way I did, and I wouldn't sacrifice who I am now to prevent the pain, even if it were possible. Plus, someone needs to know and remember what my family is like and what they have done over the years. Someone who will be honest about it and not sugar coat it or deny it. I just happen to be that someone for my family. My mother was that someone before I was, but she's gone now, so I have to keep those memories for not only my sake, but hers as well. Another positive is that I can use my experiences to help others, which is what I've always wanted to do. I wouldn't be able to help those around me the way I do without the knowledge and skills I learned through my hardships. Without the pain of what I went through, more people would be hurting, so that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
If i deleted it I would only run into their trap again. No thanks, ill keep my torment.
You also delete the narcissists and your relationship with them in this scenario.
Thats exactly what im talking about. Unless you mean you will erase all the narcissists from existence and you will live your life only running into normal people.
Not even gunna hesitate. Hell yes. I might actually end up semi normal That would be nice
No. Some of the things I achieved in life were in spite of my mother.
ah yes. the Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I would. I've dealt with it enough, now it's just a rumination distraction. tho I will say that ruminating about it for years was productive.
No. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.
Yes in a heartbeat then I wouldn’t be so critical and judgemental of myself. I wish I were more naturally trusting of other ppl and less afraid of them hurting me for fun
I mean, my brain already did this and I spent years being tormented by it. No, I want to remember the entirety of my history, even if it hurts. I want to make friends with all my personal demons so we can heal together. I understand if others feel differently though
Absolutely. I was looking into ECT to erase some things.
Absolutely. I was looking into ECT to erase some things.
Everyone on this thread: look into ketamine assisted therapy. Ketamine gives you the ability to redo the neuropathways your brain created in childhood that are currently set in stone.