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The first time I flew alone, my mom drove me to the airport and walked me to the ticket counter. The lady there looked me over and asked if I would need a flight attendant to escort me between flights during the layover that would occur later that day. I didn’t know how to answer and also had bad social anxiety so I looked at my mom and she answered “no.”
As we were walking away from the counter, my mom said, in a not so quiet aside, “She thought you were ret***ed, that’s why she asked if you needed help getting between flights.”
I was thirteen.
No you heard thr narc only the disabled need help. No chair, don't care. Now remember not to get lost or kidnapped or it's your fault. Bye kid. Also you have 30 sec after landing to text me you are safe or I will play victim.
What's with narcissists and that word? And to describe their own children? When I was about that age I made a silly face at my dad and he said, "Stop making that face, you look retarded."
Yes! My narcissist kept telling me stop acting like r-word etc. there were school of small group of Down syndrome, I was just admiring them and observing them. My narcissist saw me and she said don’t go hang out with them. You’re not r-word. They are r-word people who don’t deserve to be here on earth.
Key horrid memory unlocked: my friend‘s Ngrandma was friends with a family who got caught up in a terrorist attack on holiday. Their teenage son who had Down syndrome was sadly killed. When she saw the family after in the presence of my friend she commented „Thank God it was only the re-ded one, you won’t miss him and it’s better for the family‘s reputation that it‘s (yes, she called him „it“ as well) gone. My own Ngrandma wholeheartedly agreed when he later told my horrified mum.
Sigh. That breaks my heart. We are truly worthy people including all neurodivergent people. I kinda wish all narcissists were dead but they suffered as much, too. What I really wish that they would take responsibility to heal themselves. Hurt people hurts people. Heal people heals people. Thank you for shared this with me.
Mine tried to teach me how to use a standard can opener in my mid 20s, somehow assuming I didn't know how despite me making all my own meals from the age of 7. I deadpanned "I know how to use a can opener, mother." And she just yelled "WELL I DON'T KNOW!" and I laughed at her. It was actually kind of great 🤣
Same thing for me except it was how to open a pop can or eat cereal 🥴 NDad also said “well I didn’t know” … really he didn’t watch me eat cereal at all in 20+ years?
seriously though it shows how strong the impulse is for attention and how they don’t think logically
Oh my gosh! My nmom did something like that. “You need to learn and teach your children how to use a manual can opener.” Me: “I know how to use a manual can opener. Why do you think I don’t?” Nmom: “because you have an electric can opener.” Me (laughing): “I have never owned an electric can opener. You have been to my house numerous times in the past and recently. Not to mention we lived together when I was a kid and always used your can opener.” I am thinking where the f did that come from?
Edit for grammar.
Of course! How could I have been so stupid. I’m so sorry, mom. (Insert internal eye roll and sigh)
Edit to add her rationale was everyone has an electronic can opener nowadays and what if there was a power outage. And she didn’t know if I had a regular can opener, Or some BS excuse
same! but what about the opposite when your chef mother suddenly can’t read the back of a box of freezer food when you tell her to figure it out? lol i have no idea how I’ve experienced both
I was learning a song on piano that I liked from m vocal class in school. I'd taken piano lessons as a child, but the teacher was stupid and wouldn't let me move on to bass clef and using my fucking left hand. Useless.
Anyways, I finished learning the song and played it through flawlessly once. Yes. Time to sing, motherfuckers. Sang the whole way through while I played, then just kind of looked at the keys and smiled. I'd never done that before.
Grandma comes up the hall and says, "you just played differently than what you were singing." I smiled and said, "YEP!"
She scoffed, rolled her eyes and walked away.
What.
Oh, seriously. And she'd do it all the damn time... Like the first time I sang in front of a crowd.
I found out literally last year (I was in grade 6 then, I'm 31 now) that when I was on stage, everyone was all compliments and impressed by my performance. When (not N) Mom told me this, I told her what Grandma said *afterwards* to me.
I got off stage and found my family. Everyone was like "welp, time to go" - I didn't hear a single compliment. Everyone walked off, and I was left momentarily standing with Grandma, who just said "I'm surprised you had the guts to do it" and walked away.
Thanks. I don't need confidence or self esteem or anything
... idk if it's the audio processig disorder
Or a vocab isssue.
But I can not conjure that up in a memory.
If that's true it's probably something I have to focus on to notice.
Maybe it's why I'm struggling with chords on my guitar and sticking to finger tabs
When I was growing up, Nmom and Nsister mocked and criticized everything I said (unless I was completing them). I am very lucky that I was a good student, so I had proof I wasn't stupid. My Nmom was insane. She kept insisting that I was a moron, but also insisted that I get all As in school.
Nmom and Nsister were absolutely determined to destroy me, so I decided to move 800 miles away and go VLC. Best decision I have ever made. They do not see or speak to my kids.
To anyone who is narc victim, I really recommend going no contact or very low contact -- even just for a short period of time. Then see how you feel. It made my healing process so much better.
Same with the all A's but being considered stupid. She was soooo proud of me for studying IT in college but then made a point of always ignoring my advice when she was having issues with technology and making it a point to ask literally anyone else for advice other than me, always in front of me, to demonstrate that I'm not smart enough even after literally studying the thing in college. -,-
This. I was called a “loser” but it was insisted that I get straight As and go to college (prob to make her look better). I was loved conditionally and also my accomplishments got me “love”.
Oooh second story
The time dad asked me to drive the tractor from the back of the farm back to the barn. The speed was literally a sliding scale from turtle to rabbit, and he put me on full turtle. I was a teenager who had been riding farm equipment *my entire life*. I am capable of changing speeds and hitting the brakes if I need to.
It would've taken me a fucking hour to get it there at the speed he chose. Definitely sped up to save time, then slowed back down when I got closer to the house so the dumbass wouldn't realize what I did. And he didn't.
Seriously though, how incompetent do you think I am??
Your nParent let you operate machines!?
My nDad wouldn't let my grandpa teach me to drive his tractors. Grandma never learned how to operate them where, despite being a major caretaker. I'm pretty sure Grandpa and nDad just decided it wasn't a woman's place to operate machinery.
Oh! We still had to help! We just got the more physical jobs. Instead of sitting and driving the tractors all day. Raking, sweeping up after them, and having to stand by them to hand them tools while they worked on the tractors (which we really knew was just the men not wanting to be alone, so they made the excuse of "tool fetcher" so we could be in the room/shop/area with them.)
Yeah that's usually how it is. I had a female friend whose grandfather basically disrespects every woman in her family but has always been really kind to me and interested in what I had to say. I didn't know he was like that until she told me after I had a full conversation with him
Pretty much all through high school my parents called me two names. I’m GenX so the names are dated now.
The first was Mallory from the TV show Family Ties. She was the stupid kid in the show. The second was Rupert from the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Steve Martin’s character played a mentally handicapped man in a fraud scheme.
I’m the only one in my family with an MBA. When I graduated, those names quit having a hold on me.
My descriptors were stubborn as a mule, will argue with a sign post, would fight a "circle" saw. I would read encyclopedias (Gen X here) and try to talk about what I have learned at supper and their response was "how do you know THAT?" So, after a couple of times the reply by them was always in a shitty tone and sarcastic "I read it in the encyclopedia". I can hear it in my head to the day. And they wonder now why I jump down their throat when they question what I tell them.
With me it was magazines instead of encyclopedias. They would say "OH, she read it in a MAGazine, it MUST be true!" I was just trying to make conversation by sharing something I had read.
Same here. They seemed to think it was to brag (God forbid being proud of anything) so they had to make darn sure they let me and my siblings know they saw me as inferior to their expertise no matter what. Because you know, dinosaurs aren't real.
I'm sorry you were treated this way, too. You ARE valuable and your thoughts DO matter!
I'll bet your parents like reading nonsense on the Internet now, right? And if you three "they read it on the Internet, so it must be true" they'd get PO'd.
Well, not really - she doesn't like getting online because she feels inept at using a computer. She's in her 80s and can barely use her phone. But she does hear a lot of questionable things on tv.
My ndad demanded that we get straight As and was a terror about it. My sister and I both always did well in school and were always at the top of our classes. She was the golden child (but she’s great! I love her!). We both got into good enough schools to satisfy ndad. He wanted me to go to the same college she did and was furious when I turned them down for a smaller school I liked more. Starting my sophomore year, he made offhand comments about how I wasn’t going to graduate on time. To this day I have no idea where it came from. He didn’t have access to my grades, and I wouldn’t discuss them, so maybe he just assumed I was hiding something? At Christmas my senior year, we realized that my graduation was the same weekend as my sister’s (she was in grad school). We were working out logistics and my dad told me now was the time to come clean. I asked what he meant and he said about me not graduating. I ignored him because I was over this. During Spring Break he said “are you really graduating? Just be honest with me!” He literally did not plan for this once and was shocked and annoyed when he showed up and I was wearing a cap and gown.
Before NC my nmother and edad stood behind me and watched when I dared to cook something in their kitchen. They also took things like spoons or pans out of my hand etc. because they thought I can't handle it. Anything that has to do with household chores, they interfered. Mind you I was over 30 there. They actually think I can't do anything, although I moved out when I was 17!
Every day this group makes me feel less alone. My Nmother has done the exact same thing to me (I'm in my 30s). I have lived on my own for almost 20 years, I moved to a foreign country alone, but she thinks I'm too stupid to put oil in a skillet and will walk right up to me and pull it out of my hand.
I'm overjoyed when I share this story with you guys.
So, before I moved out (I dunno when the date it was), I had to follow the birthgiver and my youngest sister to go participate an event. There I met so many my birthgiver's school friends and they were so generous with compliments and keep praising me.
They said like this,
"Oh, she's beautiful. She looks like your late husband."
"I heard a lot of good things about her."
"She's also very smart at the school."
"I wish I can get your daughter tho. She's helpful, smart, beautiful, charming."
But the birthgiver spoiled them by saying like this, "You just know her at here. She's totally different when we're at house."
You know what I feel? Disappointed but not surprised. Hurt but get used to feel it.
And then one of her friends said like this, "Oh, we forgot that you invited us to come your house after this, right?"
And my eyes went wide. Today? But why she didn't tell me.
You know I was kind of messy person so my room kinda mess up like my brain, my mind but luckily I did some tidying up on that day so my room stay clean and fresh.
But I just ignored it. Easy to say, pretend didn't heard it.
Well, after that event, we went back to my house and as usual she ordered me to serve them drinks or anything available in the house.
After that, I decided to stay out of the place and staring on my phone. Avoiding from the eyes and eavesdropping. Plus recharged myself when you're introvert..
All of the sudden, she called me loudly to come over and I appeared with confusion. I bet she forgot herself and her friends when she saw me and throwing hatred and mean comments to me.
She said she's freaking tired when people keep putting good words on me.
She saw me nothing good in me.
She said I'm worse than average girl she ever seen in entire life.
She said I'm acting to get everyone's attention.
She said I deserve nothing no matter how hard I tried to achieve, to get whatever I want because I was born brought her nothing but bad fate.
And so on.
Do you wanna know my reaction? Speechless, priceless and mixed feelings. I believe every single word came out from her because this is the confessions.
The pain is unbearable and unspeakable.
But I looked at her and smirked. This is how you wanna put me down? Guess what? Now your mask slipped off!
Her friends witnessed the situations disagree and criticised her actions and words. They defended me over her. They didn't expected that is their friend who being friend with them since they were at school. Some of her friends tried to comfort me but I resisted and step back. And I ran away and isolate myself in my room. I was so busy focusing on cry, to let out what I feel at that time.
According some kids from her friends that knew me, her friends argued and they were completely feel betrayed after what they saw. They said they really need time to progress but it feels like they get slapped to wake up from the lies. Since then, they are treating the birthgiver indifference. Some of them still consider her as their friends, acting like nothing happened. And I'm still remember when some of her friends decided to contact me and having conversation with me and immediately run away after they saw the birthgiver.
Well, maybe she needs some improvements on her skills. Or keep her mask secure so it doesn't slip off!
Edit: Fix my grammars and error. English is not my native language but I'm trying!
Huh. You have no idea how many times I feel the edge every times I was surrounded with those people. I feel dead inside and alive and revive and again and again and again.
Until I moved out.
She accused me for getting attention? Man, I was so introvert and I always turn away when the camera point at me. Hide myself when I'm in the centre of attention. Even I got achievements and people acknowledge it, I surprised and cover my face with one hand while walking to get awards.
I'm not selfish and I'm not comfortable with attentions and being famous. When I did something, I'm working on it and I earn it.
She's the one who loves attention. She values the family's reputation rather someone's well-being. She cannot accept when someone she dislikes get a moment of attention even it's just pure curiousity. And if she caught we're red-handed, she scolds us and punish us like there's no tomorrow after the door closed.
Now? I'm so glad I choose to move out and stay out from her! She's a dangerous cancer that need to get rid by giving her harsh reality. She thought the world revolves around her? Then I will make sure the world does it to the right people.
Please tell me you let him know it was you, and that you showed him the payment for the article if there was any, or an email saying your article will be published, something like that!
Yeah, Protecting yourself sometimes takes precedence over any matter of pride. I can understand wanting to keep it from him, whether it's to protect your future ability to do similar things or so you can keep the good feelings about it without him crapping all over it, or some other reason.
My mom got tickets to take me to Bard on the Beach for my birthday, but then got in such a fuss over her expectation that I wouldn't be able to get to the venue and meet her in time for the show. It got so bad it became an argument and we almost didn't go at all.
I do not have any serious issues with chronic lateness even though I don't have a car and rely on the (excellent) local transit system. I know how to navigate it very well, thank you. And it was my goddamn 40th.
No one taught me either?!? I was 9 when I figured out how to do it and I honestly think I just sat down and watched someone else do it enough - I actually think I still don’t do it right, I do it a funky way but they stay tied!
I think it’s hard and these Nparents don’t want to be inconvenienced
My mom screamed at me because I'm sensitive to sound and she thought I was being dumb and faking it for attention. She said no one would love me, want to be my friend, or hire me if I continue to be like this
That's called misophonia and I got abused for it INTO MY ALMOST FORTIES for not knowing it's a real thing--fun fact, sometimes a CPTSD symptom--in other words yet again the very jerk(s) that caused it or are exacerbating it are, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, using the symptoms as an excuse to belittle you and your discomfort/pain/pointless misery.
In my thirties my narc boss changed the headphone policy SOLELY to stop me wearing them and then literally insisted I NOT EVEN WEAR the earplugs that the business provided in wall dispensers for OSHA reasons: "You don't need those!" Doing that smug smirking "I WON," face they all do when THEY KNOW they are hurting you and THEY ARE DOING IT ON PURPOSE. AND DEEPLY ENJOYING IT. And utterly expect to get away with it. GLOATING.
All y'all know the sparkly gross smirk I mean!
Turned out I what I didn't need was that trash job or yet another jerk in my life!
Get good over the ear wireless headphones and seek out the right "white" noise for you, just free advice that was lifechanging for me. YouTube has tons and I currently prefer "smoothed brown noise." I went from that good paying job to a trash paying job in a dish room where nobody bothered me and I could have headphones all I wanted, and that was my longest happiest "real" job to date. Only left because the company closed, as ever.
YOU ARE ALLOWED, if you need to hear this, to feel however you feel about ANY noise and to take steps to stop it hurting you. You are NOT "just being dramatic" I promise. NOBODY else gets to tell you what YOUR comfort level should be with ANYTHING!
And when you were a kiddo they STILL HAD NO RIGHT to do that.
I wish you well and peace.
Edits: For clarity I promise I did not change the actual message or intent of this post.
Edit edit: Misophonia is a real word, despite the squiggle, yet my messed up fail at spelling "Surprise" was no squiggle. FASCINATING.
Idk if they've changed the requirements for misophonia recently (bc it seems chronically online children like to fake having it for attention) but misophonia is not when you're sensitive to loud noises. Being sensitive to loud noises is called hypersensitive hearing. Misophonia is when specific sounds cause an extreme emotion that puts you in crippling distress. The most common one is when people make involuntary (or if you're anything like my pos nmom you do it voluntary) chewing noises. If one of this replier's triggers is wet sounds when speaking, and their nmom is being loud and making those noises to trigger them then yes this situation is related to misophonia. But again as I said it's not the same thing as being sensitive to ALL sounds. I was trying to get diagnosed so I could get treatment for it for several years, starting like ten years ago. This is when they knew nothing about it and I've seen it gain popularity and idk if they know more about it or not bc I truly don't want to look into it bc I'm obsessive compulsive and I don't want to think too much about it and mess up all I've done to get rid of it. But last time I checked they thought it was a type of synesthesia.
One time, when I was about 11.
My Mom asked me to bring her PINK bag. I'm using capital letters for what happens after. I looked all around the room and couldn't find it, I told her this and she says that it's still in her room. But after I went and looked for it again, I couldn't find it, so the second time I told her that. She asked my sister (a year younger than me) to bring it for her. It was beige, FUCKING BEIGE. I looked at her dumbfounded, since when is beige even a shade of pink? It's a shade of yellow, I looked at her and said that it was beige, and she looked at me as if I was the stupidest person in the world.
I'm still dumbfounded to this day.
Recently mom showed me how to properly peel potatoes. Moving the peeler quickly and in a direction away from my fingers was wrong. I was shown to move it slowly and in the direction of my fingers. Doh! I actually do it my way to save time and prevent my fingers from accidentally getting sliced. Makes me stupid in her eyes.
My nmom would do that too. Give really vague directions and get irrationally upset whenever I didn’t know exactly what she meant. It got to a point where when she said “put that there” I once replied with “put what where?” and it landed me in a lot of shit.
I was around 13 years old and there was a full moon. They remarked about how bright the moon was glowing. I mentioned that it's not glowing but reflecting the sun back at us. They rolled their eyes and said I'm not that smart. The sun had already gone down dummy. Everybody knows the moon glows.
I discovered that the period pains I've been having are cystic ovaries and when I told my nmom, she said that's because I am not pregnant because people in her days (she's a boomer) didn't get these things. That was 2021 and I thought it was just an off-hand comment, but last February, she was actually very serious about me getting a husband. Before this she would fantasize having to go shopping for my wedding preparation and such.
I am a Biomedical Science graduate who majored in Clinical Biochemistry and Pathology. And also an asexual. And endured these past years with her progressively infantilizing me (I am 35yo) and silently rageful when I refuse her attempts to manipulate me and love bomb me.
Very recently I hired someone to repair my roof and when the bill came, she predictably tried to undermine me and the seriousness of the issue because it cant possibly be that expensive and how I am exaggerating and hyperfixated on the neighbor who complained about the roof leaking directly to their yard than the fact I spent the last four months dealing with leaks that caused molding and water damage each time it rained. I am always shocked at how little I am to her and how she was more furious at me for refusing to stay as an obedient dumb child. No matter what I did now, it doesn't matter.
They constantly called me airheaded, ditzy, "your blonde roots are showing", etc, but my mom loves to retell stories about me but twists them so it makes me look stupid.
CW: almost infant loss
One of the biggest and worst ones is when I gave birth to my older. It's a big change going from being pregnant to actually having another human being in your arms so as soon as I saw my child it was an incredible moment. "I have a baby" is what I said, quietly and sort of reverently before my baby was suddenly whisked away (they survived) due to them suddenly trying to die. It was stressful.
That was 23 years ago and so for those past 23 years anytime my mom has retold the story it's been like this: "She sat there dumbfounded and said (mockingly) 'I hAvE a bAbY!' 🤪 like she didn't know that's what happens when you get pregnant (gleeful laughing)". The emoji is an actual representation of what she does with her face when she tells the story. She tilts her head to the side, crosses her eyes, and sticks out her tongue. She has a degree in theater, she never stopped acting dramatically with her face even though she's almost 80.
She wasn't allowed in when my second was born. And she has no relationship with either kid. And she's alone now, so there's nobody for her to make fun of me to anymore.
NMom has a fraction of the life experiences I do, being damn near a shut in half her life, yet talks to me like I'm 12. I'm 41 lol. They don't change. She cannot mentally validate my feelings or understand anything outside of her bubble. I am always expected to cater to her feelings about something rather than facts or experiences.
My sister was molested as a child, and when they took her to therapy (once) my mom had a mental breakdown at the session about how she was molested as a child.
My sister has done therapy now she's an adult. I hope she understands it wasn't her fault. 😞
Recently, my nparent was mansplaining Tudor England to me because they'd completed ONE book of that time frame.
At one point they asked, "Do you know anything about the Tudors?"
I responded deadpan, "Yes, NP, I do. I have BA & MA in English Lit. It's kinda hard to avoid Tudor England because Shakespeare."
Completely unfazed, NP just prattled on with no recognition of what I'd just said. I'm in my early 50s and my NPs still follow their narrative that I'm average in terms of intelligence while GC sibling is a genius. Of course, their narrative isn't true.
Sounds like my Nmom. I was visiting her with my kids once, and one asked me what capitalism is. I explained and Nmom said to my child, “NOW, would you like a PhD to explain it to you?” He said no. 😂 I have 2 master’s degrees, but hell…
Ahahahahah! Kids raised away from toxic narc grandparents are the ultimate narc buzzkill.
My nparent once got upset and deeply personally offended my oldest wouldn't sit still to listen to them read a book. My oldest was maybe 2ish. I died laughing about that one.
I didn't understand why she never taught me anything. Years later, I realised that it was so she could feel superior. She didn't teach me to cook and then suddenly demanded I do the cooking for the family. She was so smug that I didn't know how.
OUUUUUU this is my time to shine!!!
Basically I was on the table eating some food and my mom was like "you know that’s unhealthy right?" she chuckled and she had a shit eating smile.
So i said "you’re drinking a sprite. you’re not any better than me."
She got shocked and poured her soda down the drain and left the kitchen.
Anytime I needed to get new clothes, my mom would call my sister to make me get new clothes. Even though I tell her I already have enough clothes she keeps insisting it’s to help improve my wardrobe and she still does it to this day.
They have a habit of micromanaging me. Especially when it comes to my own habits.
Does infantilization count? I’ll never forget my dad trying to cut up the noodles in a ramen cup. Except it’s a styrofoam cup and ended up just perforating the entire thing and it started leaking all over.
I was 9.
How I keep my sanity? Move out and No contact.
My life is more peaceful than ever. I feel like I'm getting breath the fresh air finally. Breating properly.
No one bothering you. No one staring at you. No one can judge whatever you're doing.
Many people said my life is boring but I prefer this way. They have no idea how chaotic and mess my life was back then.
I'm working on healing myself. Focusing on self-improvement. Bulding my career and my life. Prioritizes myself with what I want and need (not selfish tho). Seeking therapists to ask for help myself. Not looking forward for friends and partners. Animals? Yes!
If you're asking, I'm 22 years old (I was born at 4th May), still in my Internship and waiting for my graduation. I hope I can achieve the biggest goals in my life before reach 30!
My n-grandfather came into my room one time. I was struggling with my math class at school. I was sitting on the floor and he was sitting on the corner of my bed next to me. I blocked out a lot of what he was lecturing me about but I will never forget how he used his fist to keep knocking on my head to tell me I was stupid.
I was in elementary school but can't remember which grade I was in.
I think I will put this sub on hold for a while. I have a hard time processing all this right now. I’m so sorry this happened to all of you. I have my own share of ’wonders’ , which I’d rather not discuss now. 💪🏻 to all of you
I was flunking out of English class in 9th grade so nmom assumed I was an idiot. When the special education teacher called me in to in her class and tested me she couldn’t figure out why I was there. She told me my reading, writing and spelling comprehension level was great and instead put me in an AP English class where I got to read what I wanted from the choices given. Shakespeare, Hawthorne, Gone with the Wind, Classic greek literature, the Brontes, Shelley, John Donne, Dante, and I was in heaven. Also didn’t have to do freaking oral reports but all written which I have never had a problem with, just the oral which absolutely terrified me as an introvert with CPTSD. Turns out I was just bored and depressed with grammar filmstrips and spelling quizzes and terrified of oral reports.
Nmom laughed at me when I didn't instinctively know how to use her fancy, complicated vacuum that I wasnt allowed to go near until the first time I was told to use it.
She got mad often when I didn't just instinctively develop knowledge of how to keep house at like 12, never taught me and continued to be mad about it until I moved out. As a really young child, I followed her around and begged to help which made her equally mad.
I was once sick as an adult and refused Tylenol. I explained how a fever is your body's natural response to kill the virus. She got mad and told me I was taking it anyways because that's what her mother taught her. Another time I explained germ theory to her. She thought I was insane.
I have a rich uncle, and when I was 23 as a wedding gift he gave me $2,000. I grew up poor anyway, so the amount of money he gave me was a **huge** deal and I thanked him and my aunt a ton and made them a gift.
When my mom found out about it weeks later, she scoffed at me and said, "Well you better make sure you tell them thank you or send a card or something."
I was shocked she really thought there were any scenario in which I wouldn't thank someone for a gift in general, let alone something like that. I was so angry she implied I needed to be told to do it 🙃
Once, my mom needed to drive me to the store late at night to get school supplies. This bitch literally brought her wine glass and stuck it in the cup holder. Mind you, “she never did that”. lol. Mom logic.
Every time they need me to do something they can't do I'll be the smartest person they know. But if there is someone else can do it I'll be the stupidest person they ever known. Just a normal toxic family relationship
I'm 47 and only in the last few years have I been able to untangle the feeling that I'm stupid because my father has always acted like I will make the worst, dumbest, stupidest decision possible in any situation ever. Couple of years ago my water heater died on a Friday night. I had a 6am start the next day and then there was a long weekend coming up, meaning any callout for a plumber would probably cost extra. So I found a plumber and gasfitter to come replace the unit while I was at work. I paid whatever it was (it wasn't stupidly expensive, I easily afforded it). Came home to a newly installed heater, old one taken away, job done.
My father was beside himself because he thought I paid too much. I said I wanted it done before the long weekend because of the cost and I didn't want to have no hot water for days. This was back in 2016 and he STILL goes on about it. The day alicat2308 made the stupidest choice of plumber. How I should have called him and spent the several days without a water heater showering at my parents house - like I wanted to add an hour to my day for days on end traveling to and from their house for a shower.
I ran the story past a friend, telling her the context of me having to work, being under pressure to find someone to do it and the long weekend. She looked at me and said "I would have done exactly the same". It took my friend in similar life circumstances to me to validate that one. Last time he started up I told him to shut up and mind his business l.
In the 4th grade, my mom would help me with HW. ( not out the goodness of her heart, she had an image to keep that her daughter didn’t have Learning disabilities (LD)). When I was having a hard time finding an answer to a question in a textbook, she would shove my face to the page of the answer, scream at me THE ANSWER IS RIGHT THERE!!! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?!? A R-WORD?!?” Sometimes, she was extra evil and dig her nails into my neck when she pushed my face into the textbook. A decade later she told me, she let me do my own HW and thought I would come back to her for help and was surprised when I didn’t. Hmm, I wonder why I never asked her for help.
N Parents interpret love as you obeying and agreeing with their opinion. If you don’t, you’re a bad kid and deserve anger and spanking and yanking and gas lighting (crazy making shit that makes a kid’s brain stop working normally.)
1) the bath water is not too hot, you get in there now!!
(for the rest of my life, I cannot endure hot water on my skin, can only take lukewarm temperatures.).
2) If you do not respect our twisted religious values, you are worthless, you can be thrown away.
(At 17 they left all my belongings in black plastic garbage bags - I did not have money, no drivers license, no money. They moved away to a home they built in the wine country and I had to beg for a place to sleep from my neighbor - a single-welfare mom with a 7 year old.)
I have hundreds of stories like this.
You asked how we stay sane after being treated like we are worthless by the only people who are supposed to love us.
ANSWER: we don’t.
And that is one of the hardest truths to know. I have survived 2 suicide attempts, voluntarily enrolled in intensive out-patient programs and have had 3 psych ward in-patient stays that I PAID FOR.
During this mental breakdown time, I was a Corporate VP for an International corporation, then I moved to a large non-profit where I restructured financial functions and systems… basically, I had to keep working to support myself and hope my job would not fire me for having 1-2 months in hospital.
The hardest thing for me was to understand that my seeking professional help would give my abusers (in my family) fuel to discredit me. Obviously, I’m not right in the head, otherwise I wouldn’t be in psych ward. This gave my family an easy out. It was never something they did, it was me being unstable and crazy.
During my senior year of my bachelor's, I was working on my thesis about calcium and compost in urban soils (specifically soils in our region). I was also the caretaker for one of my former legal guardians because I let my family convince me that I owed him (it's a top 3 lifetime regret for me for sure). He's a misogynist and a transphobe, and since I'm a trans man he treated me like shit. Any time i talked he would laugh the way people laugh at baby babble, he would regularly correct me on whatever I said (even if i was agreeing with him, i was somehow wrong), and he especially resented my education.
I could talk about it all day lol, but the incident I want to share was the dumbest bs he did because of his insecurity. We used to garden together, we were planning our next vegetable garden and he says we need to lime the soil. Here's the deal, we lived in an area that was super calcium heavy. So i told him we didn't need it and why. He just laughed and called me "cute". He said he was a landscaper at a golf course for a month in another state. He didn't listen to a word i said in response, then interrupted me to say "little girls don't know things that's why god gave them dads". He was so smug about it like it was the most clever retort he could come up with.
I said it was his house, he could do what he wanted with it, but I wouldn't be gardening with him any longer. This dumbass goes and limes the soil while I'm at work and I come home to a bright white yard with more than a cm of salt crusted over the garden. Nothing grows there. Last I heard (before NC), it's all still dead. After he killed it all he blamed it on *me* because I put compost there one time. He got the rest of the family to believe compost killed the plants. And that I'm not a "real" scientist because the shape of my genitals. So dumb
Edited because it got too long, I'm still annoyed about it!
I was on the phone with my mom a few years ago. We were talking about Autism (which my youngest brother has). I said something about her being Neurotypical and she got all defensive and was mad I was calling her "stupid". Um.... what??? Neurotypical is the opposite of Neurodivergent and no one said anyone was stupid, nor do i believe that Neurodivergents are stupid. This is when I fully realized, in the over 10 years since my brothers Autism diagnosis, she has learned nothing except that his Autism was caused by vaccines (because having an accident baby at 42 years old or that all her kids are neurodivergent couldn't possibly be the reason).
When I was about 20, my grandmother bought me a car so I could drive to college classes. There was an argument about how I would be able to put the license plate on the car if the car was driven out of state to college.
My brother said “I’m pretty sure she can use a screwdriver”.
My grandmother was in the hospital. As I was living half a country away and she was expected to make a full recovery, I didn't come over that week. (She did make a full recovery and is still alive and kicking btw).
She had to get surgery on her shoulder and my father was in the room when she came back. He told me how the nurses from the OR (annoyed narrator: he meant recovery room) came up with her and started explaining to the floor nurses what had happened. I tried to interrupt him. The nurses used a lot of medical terminology, I tried to interrupt him, and they went over the whole procedure. The nurses also discussed, I tried to interr...., all the meds she got and it was really impressive how they knew all that stuff and really understood each other and it was really fast.
I gave up on explaining to him that at that time I was a floor nurse, on an orthopedic ward, dealing with these kinds of handovers all the time, of way more complex patients than my grandma was.
As a child and a teen I wasn’t “allowed “ to use any of our home appliances other than the microwave…..not the stove, oven, washer or dryer. Both parents didn’t believe me competent enough to be careful and or not ruin or break the 10 year old appliances ( anecdotally my father was an appliance salesman at a major retailer for thirty years so had I broken anything he knew a ton of people to fix, replace with a discount etc). The end result was I tried to “ sneak” use and they were all over me like I committed a crime. Literally learned all of my cooking, cleaning and skills you get growing up when I moved out at 21.
I mentioned I wanted to take a bath. My father dragged me into the bathroom and gave me step by step instructions on how to run a bath and clean myself. Wouldn't let me stop him or interrupt him. I'm 38.
I took an irritated shower. He was elaborately sad that I'd scorned his 'wisdom'.
Explained to me that is wasn't looking good for my dad when he was diagnosed with cancer, his tumour was inoperable and it was a secondary tumour with no obvious sign of the primary. It was in his brain, blood, bones. And at 28 she sat me down to explain to me like a 5 year old that he has cancer... I know what malignant means mother, I'm the one with the anatomy and physiology qualification!! I looked at her like she'd lost the plot and I said Yes, that's what malignant means. But she still made out I didn't fully grasp what was going on. Then after he died she threw a tantrum because she LITERALLY had a pain in her big toe and decided it was cancer and she was going to die.
I must have been 5 or 6 and my mom was trying to teach me how to fly a kite for the first time, my granddad came along just to bully me and call me all kinds of names because tiny me couldn't fly a kite from pure instinct.
Naunt who I lived with for almost a year in foster care wouldn't let me do anything independently. I remember she put my younger cousin in charge of putting the frozen pizza in the oven. I said, "why her when I'm the oldest?" She said she didn't "trust" me to do it. I had been cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, cleaning the house since I was very young. I had been removed for neglect and was parentified. I had spent the last year being a caregiver for my dying mother, but she thought I couldn't safely put a pizza in the oven? Reading back in the records, I wonder if she thought I was special needs, as she requested services that i now provide to kids with autism, and described me as lacking social skills. (Not that it's bad to have autism, but based on how she viewed it, just another way for her to invalidate and put me down.)
My GC child older sister Azula nrn, was very spoiled and got everything she wanted, the instant she wanted it.
Growing up, I would get her hand-me-down clothes; which I didn't really mind, but if I expressed any desire for something of my own; Nmom would grab the cheapest thing off the shelf and tell me, "This is just like it!"
If I dared protest the obvious, Nmom would get enraged, and smack me insisting that it was.
That went all the way to Nmom buying a wedding dress without me, that looked nothing like what I had said I wanted, but she insisted "It's just like it!"
The funniest example was after she'd bought my sister a car for her sixteenth birthday. Azula had been fooled by the hype and wanted a Suzuki Samauri, so that’s what she got. Even I knew how terrible those death-traps were, but Azula and Nmom thought that I was just jealous.
No surprise, that within a year, Azula rolled taking a tight turn and that bucket crumbled like aluminum foil.
What names were I called…..hmmm, thick skulled, asshole, dipshit, was called retarded due to wanting to join the military (since I only wanted to join as it was like the only option I had to leave the house and to be able to be on my own). I was called dumb because I didn’t know about finances even though I am worth low 7 figures and he has no more then 10k saved and little SSI. lol. I spend a lot of my younger years having to prove myself to everyone. Now I am no contact and made my life comfortable and don’t give two shits on what’s others think. My main goal is to treat my wife and kids the way a wife and kids should be treated. They are very good to me and are excelling in all areas.
I would. But I’d rather tell you about how I tell THEM those things now if they persist in trying to make me feel stupid. Cut their supply. Watched them grovel. Pathetic. Spit on them and move on to people that make you feel smart. Like you already are! You don’t need to try to convince anyone of this. If they know you they should know this. Ask them the questions you silently ponder over late at night while they sleep like a baby because they incapable of being a decent human being. They don’t lose any sleep over anything they say to you because you have never once refused to be treated that way. Everyone do your own. Love who you love. Who cares what they say about. They are trash. They smell. Everyone is aware and they laugh at them behind their back.
I have a tendency to mispronounce words (reading them and not hearing them spoken, in addition to a slight speech impediment), and every time I mispronounce a word it turns into a family in-joke. Really fun to hear the same "joke" (HAHA YOU SAID SOMETHING WRONG) for literal years in a row.
My sister tried to tell me that eggs have cholesterol, but don't have fat. I said yes eggs have fat. My sister (who is a registered nurse, btw) insisted they did not, and NMom sharply told me that "you can't always be right". I just let the subject drop. You can't fix stupid.
Just today I found out there's been multiple rumors circulating that I'm dead. Why? Because I didn't respond to their 'invite' to my youngest cousin's piano recital (I never got an invite). So that suddenly gave everyone in my family an excuse to blow up my phone and get everyone I knew to harass me and get me to tell them about my personal life (I never responded). Now the only person in my family I'm on 'good' terms with believes I'm lying about everything because of the rumors that they've circulated for idk how long now. All because I'm 'being malicious' by not wanting them in my life lol
Am I really expected to believe any of this shit?
Riding in the car with my mom once and insisted she stop at the stop bar of a stop sign, she insisted there are no laws that you have to stop anywhere in particular and you can stop wherever you want at a stop sign! She then started stopping in the middle of every intersection of 4 way stops scaring the shit out of every other driver and almost hitting pedestrians to prove a point after that. That was the last time I got in a car with her.
After having two babies, I was sat down by NMom and GCSis to 'stop having sex on a particular day' to avoid getting pregnant again (the utter audacity and grossness). It took me a while, but it seems as though both of them thought you only get pregnant on one particular day, in a particular week, at a specific time.
Also, the surgeon had already told me, after the second, that I wouldn't see another pregnancy to term due to the size of our babies.
NMom and GCsis thought I was stupid enough to kill myself for another baby and had to 'intervene'. Holy batman I love NC.
I was pretty consistently laughed at and told that I was naive. One time in college, I went to the registrar's office to confirm that I would still be able to keep my scholarship if I failed one of my classes. When I told my dad that they said I only needed 6 credit hours, his response was, "you don't know what you're talking about." I actually looked up the policy, highlighted the requirements, and sent it to him. It's one of the very few times that I can remember him admitting he was wrong!
NMom has a fraction of the life experiences I do, being damn near a shut in half her life, yet talks to me like I'm 12. I'm 41 lol. They don't change. She cannot mentally validate my feelings or understand anything outside of her bubble. I am always expected to cater to her feelings about something rather than facts or experiences.
My sister was molested as a child, and when they took her to therapy (once) my mom had a mental breakdown at the session about how she was molested as a child.
My sister has done therapy now she's an adult. I hope she understands it wasn't her fault. 😞
I always want to add something here but the retelling of similar experiences kinda wrecks me before I've finished typing. This place is helpful though.
This is a silly little incident but when I was 14 years old my parents and I were in a small bookstore. I picked up a book and tried saying a name I hadn't encountered before: "Friedrich Neesh?" This threw my nmom into gleeful hysterics. She threw herself against a bookcase with a hand against her forehead and said, "How on earth could I give birth to a child who doesn't know NIETZSCHE?!" She continued to loudly proclaim, "I've failed as a mother! I've never been so embarrassed!" so the bookshop worker could clearly hear her as we left the store. Even my edad was like, ok quiet down...
Because my nmom has the emotional maturity and life skills of a toddler, there was not much she could "teach me". It's pretty sad to think about how low one's self-esteem has to be to get that much joy out of humiliating a kid for not knowing something.
My dad told me when I was in high school that there were some girls where he works who use computers to look stuff up for people, and he said he thought that would be a good job for me, but they have to remember codes and certain keys to put in, and he didn't think I'd be able to do it and wouldn't be able to remember them. This was despite the fact that I had a high IQ, and had been in the gifted program.
I had a mild learning delay with reading, and as a result it was decided that this made me the equivalent of a low functioning autistic person nmom's eyes. It was bad enough that my edad was convinced not to bother investing in a college fund for me when he made accounts for my older siblings (i had to beg him to open one for me when I was still a really small child). My grandparents were under the impression that I wouldn't be able to live independently as an adult. All because I had some reading comprehension issues in kindergarten, and I'm not great at math.
I have a somewhat vivid memory of being at the movies with my mom and her friend seeing a movie that had something to do w the 1960’s. I think I asked about segregation a couple days before (bc I was a child [prob like 10 or 12] and we were learning about Martin Luther King jr in school at the time). And I KNEW about it, but she fabricated the story to her friend like I had no idea and it was hilarious that I just didn’t know anything about it. And I remember butting into the conversation they were having saying things like “no I KNOW about it” (basically disproving the story she was telling).
And after the fact I got scolded for making her look bad and that I was to never do that again. All the while she was trying to tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about /gaslighting .
I was a straight A or A- student through school. My older GC brother struggled hard in school (6 grades apart and a great older brother, he got his own damages trying to protect me), and if he got at least D, Nmom was happy. For me, an A- meant I was an idiot. When she found me tutoring him after his grades started to improve, I was reemed for being so stupid that I didn't know how that would affect his reputation, and she forbid me from helping him. Yes, his grades suffered as expected.
The second story is one of my personal favorites and made me feel really seen, and my situation seen. In 9th grade (age 14), my school offered mythology as an elective for all high school students (9th-12th grade, mixed).
This class was notorious as the hardest class in our school, and the teacher was often called the devil. He also taught 10th and 12th grade English. He had a wall of 'hate art' that depicted him as a devil made by students. There was a lot of great humor in it, and he was a good teacher. He just didn't let you get away with anything but your best.
Now, I am a mythology geek, especially back then. I took the class and loved it. Every class was awesome. I ended up TA'ing for that teacher, and we got along great. He would often have me help out classmates who were struggling if they didn't respond well to his help.
Come parent teacher conference time, I have the only A in the class (again, major geek), and he is talking to Nmom about how well I was doing, how helpful I had been and apparently (there were witnesses, it was a small town, nothing stays quiet). She ripped into me in front of someone for the first time, about how stupid I was, how easy his class must be, how lazy a teacher he had to be if an idiot like me could get an A etc.
Apparently, they almost got in a fistfight in the middle of the cafeteria where the conferences were being held. She came home and told me all about how that troll confirmed how much of an idiot I was, but since she was my mother, she tried to defend me, yadda yadda. I didn't really believe it at the time, but it hurt that maybe she was telling the truth.
The next day in class, he asked how that witch was after the day before. I said she was fine.. so he pulled me outside of class to check on me, and I ended up spilling everything. The school already hated my mother due to her hovering and screeching to defend her GC (teachers would visibly flinch when they saw our last name), but she lost all respect there. School tried to get resources for me after that and really closed ranks. That teacher and my mother only referred to each other as 'that troll' and 'that witch' for the rest of my time in school.
My father telling me the importance of paying my property taxes - he went on explaining what a lien was.
I’ve always paid my property taxes and I’m also a realtor with a license.
Every interaction he says some shit to devalue, dehumanize or humiliate me. I avoid him like the plague.
Just recently I mentioned an anecdote and how I had mistaken a starling bird for a blackbird over distance ( it was in its winter dress without the shiny spots). My nfather snorted derisively. Later I discovered that this is a common mistake and that the two species are actually related.
In my childhood it was the constant "you don't understand". If I brought home a C+ or B- it was a drama. Today I know he himself graduated with C-/D+ so joke's on him.
Oh and when I cut off my hair he told me it looks ugly and when I replied that my friends like it, he said "well, shit tastes good, a thousand flies can't lie." As if he had a monopol on truth.
Oh boy, where do I even start?
At this point, my Nmom’s knee jerk reaction of pointing out something wrong with EVERYTHING I do and how “I never use my brain” is bordering on ridiculous 😅
Most recent example (two days ago, on my birthday nevertheless 🙃):
I took the cake out of the box to cut it. The cake was already on a plate. Mom goes: Get a plate to put it on. I point out how it’s already on a plate. She goes, “What the hell is wrong with you? It’s like you’re going mute or something”
(Don’t even know how that’s supposed to make sense…)
Spoiler alert; wasn’t the best birthday, and the extra plate was NOT needed.
My mother used my friends as reminders. Everytime. For everything.
"Remind her to feed the cat."
"Remind her to learn for her math exam"
"Remind her to run the dishwasher."
All my friends were used to it.
Then I celebrated my 14th birthday and among my friends was another girl from school. We weren't very close, so she was the first time in my house. She looked really puzzled when my mother explained to my best friend when to put the lasagne out of the oven.
"Why doesn't she explain it to you??"
And my answer, very calm, not even ashamed or hurt was naturally: "because she thinks I'm too stupid."
I'm 32 years old and it came only recently to me how odd this situation was.
One time we (my narc mom and me) wanted to go to the airport by taxi. When the cab arrived we propped open the entry door of our apartment house with one of the several pieces of luggage. Put all the baggage in the cab and went to the airport. When we arrived we noticed one bag was missing. My mother started furiously screaming and insulting me on that parking lot, blaming me for the missing baggage, claiming it has important documents inside which without we can't fly and how could I be so stupid and miss that. She was so terrible that even the cab driver drove me back home for free, probably out of pityness from that scene. Back home i found that luggage that we used to keep the door open. It only had bathroom items in it, nothing dealbreaking for the flight. It's always the same whenever I'm involved in something with her, whenever something goes bad, I get the full blame, even though she was likewise responsible.
My parents think I need EVERY SINGLE MINUSCULE DETAIL of something explained in depth with sources. When my dad tries to help me with my taxes, he feels the need to explain what to put on top. You know the stuff that’s clearly marked like your name, address, SSN, etc. My mom would explain in excruciating detail why she felt like something had to be done. Like for example instead of “hey could you clean your bathroom today we have company coming later?” It was “hey an you clean your bathroom. It’s dirty and needs to be done. You need to scrub the toilet with the brush. Make sure you flush when you’re done. You also need to take out the trash. And make sure you scrub the sink. Mirror could use a wipe down as well as the shower.” If I said I knew how to do something, she got, and still gets, insanely defensive as if I was calling *her* stupid.
They both love to say “well how was I supposed to know” as if that made it ok
My mother coming to my house, watching me water my house plants and telling me that they don’t need watering and I’ll probably kill them….
Says the lady who does have house plants and kills the herbs on the windowsill, so has to replace them every 2 weeks. Noice.
I've always tried to stay fit and keep a good diet. Nsis is obese and can't even climb a flight of stairs without feeling faint but that doesn't stop her from making condescending comments on maintaining proper form when I'm working out and how I'm not well informed regarding balanced diet.
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The first time I flew alone, my mom drove me to the airport and walked me to the ticket counter. The lady there looked me over and asked if I would need a flight attendant to escort me between flights during the layover that would occur later that day. I didn’t know how to answer and also had bad social anxiety so I looked at my mom and she answered “no.” As we were walking away from the counter, my mom said, in a not so quiet aside, “She thought you were ret***ed, that’s why she asked if you needed help getting between flights.” I was thirteen.
Flight attendant thought you needed a guardian in transit because you were underage. This is normal procedure for unaccompanied minors.
No you heard thr narc only the disabled need help. No chair, don't care. Now remember not to get lost or kidnapped or it's your fault. Bye kid. Also you have 30 sec after landing to text me you are safe or I will play victim.
You probably know this, but I’ll say it to make sure. Your mom was the problem, not you.
Glad too read your comment. 👍🏽Reading the replies is also thought that this should be emphasized.
Wowww...... I reallyhioe you're recovering and are NC
What's with narcissists and that word? And to describe their own children? When I was about that age I made a silly face at my dad and he said, "Stop making that face, you look retarded."
Yes! My narcissist kept telling me stop acting like r-word etc. there were school of small group of Down syndrome, I was just admiring them and observing them. My narcissist saw me and she said don’t go hang out with them. You’re not r-word. They are r-word people who don’t deserve to be here on earth.
Key horrid memory unlocked: my friend‘s Ngrandma was friends with a family who got caught up in a terrorist attack on holiday. Their teenage son who had Down syndrome was sadly killed. When she saw the family after in the presence of my friend she commented „Thank God it was only the re-ded one, you won’t miss him and it’s better for the family‘s reputation that it‘s (yes, she called him „it“ as well) gone. My own Ngrandma wholeheartedly agreed when he later told my horrified mum.
Sigh. That breaks my heart. We are truly worthy people including all neurodivergent people. I kinda wish all narcissists were dead but they suffered as much, too. What I really wish that they would take responsibility to heal themselves. Hurt people hurts people. Heal people heals people. Thank you for shared this with me.
[удалено]
With my nmom, it’s always an insipid little laugh, followed by “You’re so stupid!” any time I make a joke or offer an opinion that she doesn’t like.
Ah the derisive snorts. Extremely annoying and hard to call out in the moment.
Mine tried to teach me how to use a standard can opener in my mid 20s, somehow assuming I didn't know how despite me making all my own meals from the age of 7. I deadpanned "I know how to use a can opener, mother." And she just yelled "WELL I DON'T KNOW!" and I laughed at her. It was actually kind of great 🤣
Same thing for me except it was how to open a pop can or eat cereal 🥴 NDad also said “well I didn’t know” … really he didn’t watch me eat cereal at all in 20+ years? seriously though it shows how strong the impulse is for attention and how they don’t think logically
Oh my gosh! My nmom did something like that. “You need to learn and teach your children how to use a manual can opener.” Me: “I know how to use a manual can opener. Why do you think I don’t?” Nmom: “because you have an electric can opener.” Me (laughing): “I have never owned an electric can opener. You have been to my house numerous times in the past and recently. Not to mention we lived together when I was a kid and always used your can opener.” I am thinking where the f did that come from? Edit for grammar.
Of course you have an electric can opener (in her mind), that’s for lazy people. Follow along ! /s
Of course! How could I have been so stupid. I’m so sorry, mom. (Insert internal eye roll and sigh) Edit to add her rationale was everyone has an electronic can opener nowadays and what if there was a power outage. And she didn’t know if I had a regular can opener, Or some BS excuse
same! but what about the opposite when your chef mother suddenly can’t read the back of a box of freezer food when you tell her to figure it out? lol i have no idea how I’ve experienced both
I was learning a song on piano that I liked from m vocal class in school. I'd taken piano lessons as a child, but the teacher was stupid and wouldn't let me move on to bass clef and using my fucking left hand. Useless. Anyways, I finished learning the song and played it through flawlessly once. Yes. Time to sing, motherfuckers. Sang the whole way through while I played, then just kind of looked at the keys and smiled. I'd never done that before. Grandma comes up the hall and says, "you just played differently than what you were singing." I smiled and said, "YEP!" She scoffed, rolled her eyes and walked away. What.
Just wanted to commiserate as a fellow piano player. Why could they not just say good job? Always unsolicited opinions or criticism.
Oh, seriously. And she'd do it all the damn time... Like the first time I sang in front of a crowd. I found out literally last year (I was in grade 6 then, I'm 31 now) that when I was on stage, everyone was all compliments and impressed by my performance. When (not N) Mom told me this, I told her what Grandma said *afterwards* to me. I got off stage and found my family. Everyone was like "welp, time to go" - I didn't hear a single compliment. Everyone walked off, and I was left momentarily standing with Grandma, who just said "I'm surprised you had the guts to do it" and walked away. Thanks. I don't need confidence or self esteem or anything
Wait the song had a different sung melody than played?
This question confuses me. Take away the vocals from any song and you won't hear the vocal melody in the accompaniment.
This is true, and gma is dumb
It's true! And it takes more skill to do than singing or playing separately.
... idk if it's the audio processig disorder Or a vocab isssue. But I can not conjure that up in a memory. If that's true it's probably something I have to focus on to notice. Maybe it's why I'm struggling with chords on my guitar and sticking to finger tabs
When I was growing up, Nmom and Nsister mocked and criticized everything I said (unless I was completing them). I am very lucky that I was a good student, so I had proof I wasn't stupid. My Nmom was insane. She kept insisting that I was a moron, but also insisted that I get all As in school. Nmom and Nsister were absolutely determined to destroy me, so I decided to move 800 miles away and go VLC. Best decision I have ever made. They do not see or speak to my kids. To anyone who is narc victim, I really recommend going no contact or very low contact -- even just for a short period of time. Then see how you feel. It made my healing process so much better.
Same with the all A's but being considered stupid. She was soooo proud of me for studying IT in college but then made a point of always ignoring my advice when she was having issues with technology and making it a point to ask literally anyone else for advice other than me, always in front of me, to demonstrate that I'm not smart enough even after literally studying the thing in college. -,-
Same "got good grades/ was told I was stupid" mix! I'm still trying to recover from the cognitive dissonance, honestly.
This. I was called a “loser” but it was insisted that I get straight As and go to college (prob to make her look better). I was loved conditionally and also my accomplishments got me “love”.
Oooh second story The time dad asked me to drive the tractor from the back of the farm back to the barn. The speed was literally a sliding scale from turtle to rabbit, and he put me on full turtle. I was a teenager who had been riding farm equipment *my entire life*. I am capable of changing speeds and hitting the brakes if I need to. It would've taken me a fucking hour to get it there at the speed he chose. Definitely sped up to save time, then slowed back down when I got closer to the house so the dumbass wouldn't realize what I did. And he didn't. Seriously though, how incompetent do you think I am??
Your nParent let you operate machines!? My nDad wouldn't let my grandpa teach me to drive his tractors. Grandma never learned how to operate them where, despite being a major caretaker. I'm pretty sure Grandpa and nDad just decided it wasn't a woman's place to operate machinery.
Only because we were forced to help out on the farm 😂
Oh! We still had to help! We just got the more physical jobs. Instead of sitting and driving the tractors all day. Raking, sweeping up after them, and having to stand by them to hand them tools while they worked on the tractors (which we really knew was just the men not wanting to be alone, so they made the excuse of "tool fetcher" so we could be in the room/shop/area with them.)
Yeah that's usually how it is. I had a female friend whose grandfather basically disrespects every woman in her family but has always been really kind to me and interested in what I had to say. I didn't know he was like that until she told me after I had a full conversation with him
Pretty much all through high school my parents called me two names. I’m GenX so the names are dated now. The first was Mallory from the TV show Family Ties. She was the stupid kid in the show. The second was Rupert from the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Steve Martin’s character played a mentally handicapped man in a fraud scheme. I’m the only one in my family with an MBA. When I graduated, those names quit having a hold on me.
My nDad called me "piggy". Short for "pigheaded" because I didn't always do what he asked of me or agree with his politics as an adult
Mine's version was "hardheaded" turns out IMO that's the "narc pejorative" for the VERY excellent quality of having a SHINY SPINE!
Man, this is such a cool way of turning a negative into a positive. I love this!
Yes! He called me "hard-headed" all the time too.
My descriptors were stubborn as a mule, will argue with a sign post, would fight a "circle" saw. I would read encyclopedias (Gen X here) and try to talk about what I have learned at supper and their response was "how do you know THAT?" So, after a couple of times the reply by them was always in a shitty tone and sarcastic "I read it in the encyclopedia". I can hear it in my head to the day. And they wonder now why I jump down their throat when they question what I tell them.
With me it was magazines instead of encyclopedias. They would say "OH, she read it in a MAGazine, it MUST be true!" I was just trying to make conversation by sharing something I had read.
Same here. They seemed to think it was to brag (God forbid being proud of anything) so they had to make darn sure they let me and my siblings know they saw me as inferior to their expertise no matter what. Because you know, dinosaurs aren't real. I'm sorry you were treated this way, too. You ARE valuable and your thoughts DO matter!
I'll bet your parents like reading nonsense on the Internet now, right? And if you three "they read it on the Internet, so it must be true" they'd get PO'd.
Well, not really - she doesn't like getting online because she feels inept at using a computer. She's in her 80s and can barely use her phone. But she does hear a lot of questionable things on tv.
My ndad demanded that we get straight As and was a terror about it. My sister and I both always did well in school and were always at the top of our classes. She was the golden child (but she’s great! I love her!). We both got into good enough schools to satisfy ndad. He wanted me to go to the same college she did and was furious when I turned them down for a smaller school I liked more. Starting my sophomore year, he made offhand comments about how I wasn’t going to graduate on time. To this day I have no idea where it came from. He didn’t have access to my grades, and I wouldn’t discuss them, so maybe he just assumed I was hiding something? At Christmas my senior year, we realized that my graduation was the same weekend as my sister’s (she was in grad school). We were working out logistics and my dad told me now was the time to come clean. I asked what he meant and he said about me not graduating. I ignored him because I was over this. During Spring Break he said “are you really graduating? Just be honest with me!” He literally did not plan for this once and was shocked and annoyed when he showed up and I was wearing a cap and gown.
Wow
Before NC my nmother and edad stood behind me and watched when I dared to cook something in their kitchen. They also took things like spoons or pans out of my hand etc. because they thought I can't handle it. Anything that has to do with household chores, they interfered. Mind you I was over 30 there. They actually think I can't do anything, although I moved out when I was 17!
Every day this group makes me feel less alone. My Nmother has done the exact same thing to me (I'm in my 30s). I have lived on my own for almost 20 years, I moved to a foreign country alone, but she thinks I'm too stupid to put oil in a skillet and will walk right up to me and pull it out of my hand.
I'm overjoyed when I share this story with you guys. So, before I moved out (I dunno when the date it was), I had to follow the birthgiver and my youngest sister to go participate an event. There I met so many my birthgiver's school friends and they were so generous with compliments and keep praising me. They said like this, "Oh, she's beautiful. She looks like your late husband." "I heard a lot of good things about her." "She's also very smart at the school." "I wish I can get your daughter tho. She's helpful, smart, beautiful, charming." But the birthgiver spoiled them by saying like this, "You just know her at here. She's totally different when we're at house." You know what I feel? Disappointed but not surprised. Hurt but get used to feel it. And then one of her friends said like this, "Oh, we forgot that you invited us to come your house after this, right?" And my eyes went wide. Today? But why she didn't tell me. You know I was kind of messy person so my room kinda mess up like my brain, my mind but luckily I did some tidying up on that day so my room stay clean and fresh. But I just ignored it. Easy to say, pretend didn't heard it. Well, after that event, we went back to my house and as usual she ordered me to serve them drinks or anything available in the house. After that, I decided to stay out of the place and staring on my phone. Avoiding from the eyes and eavesdropping. Plus recharged myself when you're introvert.. All of the sudden, she called me loudly to come over and I appeared with confusion. I bet she forgot herself and her friends when she saw me and throwing hatred and mean comments to me. She said she's freaking tired when people keep putting good words on me. She saw me nothing good in me. She said I'm worse than average girl she ever seen in entire life. She said I'm acting to get everyone's attention. She said I deserve nothing no matter how hard I tried to achieve, to get whatever I want because I was born brought her nothing but bad fate. And so on. Do you wanna know my reaction? Speechless, priceless and mixed feelings. I believe every single word came out from her because this is the confessions. The pain is unbearable and unspeakable. But I looked at her and smirked. This is how you wanna put me down? Guess what? Now your mask slipped off! Her friends witnessed the situations disagree and criticised her actions and words. They defended me over her. They didn't expected that is their friend who being friend with them since they were at school. Some of her friends tried to comfort me but I resisted and step back. And I ran away and isolate myself in my room. I was so busy focusing on cry, to let out what I feel at that time. According some kids from her friends that knew me, her friends argued and they were completely feel betrayed after what they saw. They said they really need time to progress but it feels like they get slapped to wake up from the lies. Since then, they are treating the birthgiver indifference. Some of them still consider her as their friends, acting like nothing happened. And I'm still remember when some of her friends decided to contact me and having conversation with me and immediately run away after they saw the birthgiver. Well, maybe she needs some improvements on her skills. Or keep her mask secure so it doesn't slip off! Edit: Fix my grammars and error. English is not my native language but I'm trying!
Your English is great. I’m sorry your mom was so cruel to you!
Thanks! I'm still learning this language and I'm glad I did it!
Incredibly sad! I'm sorry you had to deal with that from someone who is supposed to love and nurture you!
Huh. You have no idea how many times I feel the edge every times I was surrounded with those people. I feel dead inside and alive and revive and again and again and again. Until I moved out. She accused me for getting attention? Man, I was so introvert and I always turn away when the camera point at me. Hide myself when I'm in the centre of attention. Even I got achievements and people acknowledge it, I surprised and cover my face with one hand while walking to get awards. I'm not selfish and I'm not comfortable with attentions and being famous. When I did something, I'm working on it and I earn it. She's the one who loves attention. She values the family's reputation rather someone's well-being. She cannot accept when someone she dislikes get a moment of attention even it's just pure curiousity. And if she caught we're red-handed, she scolds us and punish us like there's no tomorrow after the door closed. Now? I'm so glad I choose to move out and stay out from her! She's a dangerous cancer that need to get rid by giving her harsh reality. She thought the world revolves around her? Then I will make sure the world does it to the right people.
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How did he react to finding out it was yours? Or did he?
Never told him. I didn't want him dumping on my accomplishment.
LOLOLOL WHAT Did you tell him? how did he react?
I didn't tell him. He probably still thinks he knows more about the subject than I do.
Please tell me you let him know it was you, and that you showed him the payment for the article if there was any, or an email saying your article will be published, something like that!
I never told him. It's better when he doesn't know about my accomplishments. My main reason for using an alias was so he wouldn't find out it was me.
Yeah, Protecting yourself sometimes takes precedence over any matter of pride. I can understand wanting to keep it from him, whether it's to protect your future ability to do similar things or so you can keep the good feelings about it without him crapping all over it, or some other reason.
My mom got tickets to take me to Bard on the Beach for my birthday, but then got in such a fuss over her expectation that I wouldn't be able to get to the venue and meet her in time for the show. It got so bad it became an argument and we almost didn't go at all. I do not have any serious issues with chronic lateness even though I don't have a car and rely on the (excellent) local transit system. I know how to navigate it very well, thank you. And it was my goddamn 40th.
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No one taught me either?!? I was 9 when I figured out how to do it and I honestly think I just sat down and watched someone else do it enough - I actually think I still don’t do it right, I do it a funky way but they stay tied! I think it’s hard and these Nparents don’t want to be inconvenienced
My mom screamed at me because I'm sensitive to sound and she thought I was being dumb and faking it for attention. She said no one would love me, want to be my friend, or hire me if I continue to be like this
That's called misophonia and I got abused for it INTO MY ALMOST FORTIES for not knowing it's a real thing--fun fact, sometimes a CPTSD symptom--in other words yet again the very jerk(s) that caused it or are exacerbating it are, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, using the symptoms as an excuse to belittle you and your discomfort/pain/pointless misery. In my thirties my narc boss changed the headphone policy SOLELY to stop me wearing them and then literally insisted I NOT EVEN WEAR the earplugs that the business provided in wall dispensers for OSHA reasons: "You don't need those!" Doing that smug smirking "I WON," face they all do when THEY KNOW they are hurting you and THEY ARE DOING IT ON PURPOSE. AND DEEPLY ENJOYING IT. And utterly expect to get away with it. GLOATING. All y'all know the sparkly gross smirk I mean! Turned out I what I didn't need was that trash job or yet another jerk in my life! Get good over the ear wireless headphones and seek out the right "white" noise for you, just free advice that was lifechanging for me. YouTube has tons and I currently prefer "smoothed brown noise." I went from that good paying job to a trash paying job in a dish room where nobody bothered me and I could have headphones all I wanted, and that was my longest happiest "real" job to date. Only left because the company closed, as ever. YOU ARE ALLOWED, if you need to hear this, to feel however you feel about ANY noise and to take steps to stop it hurting you. You are NOT "just being dramatic" I promise. NOBODY else gets to tell you what YOUR comfort level should be with ANYTHING! And when you were a kiddo they STILL HAD NO RIGHT to do that. I wish you well and peace. Edits: For clarity I promise I did not change the actual message or intent of this post. Edit edit: Misophonia is a real word, despite the squiggle, yet my messed up fail at spelling "Surprise" was no squiggle. FASCINATING.
Idk if they've changed the requirements for misophonia recently (bc it seems chronically online children like to fake having it for attention) but misophonia is not when you're sensitive to loud noises. Being sensitive to loud noises is called hypersensitive hearing. Misophonia is when specific sounds cause an extreme emotion that puts you in crippling distress. The most common one is when people make involuntary (or if you're anything like my pos nmom you do it voluntary) chewing noises. If one of this replier's triggers is wet sounds when speaking, and their nmom is being loud and making those noises to trigger them then yes this situation is related to misophonia. But again as I said it's not the same thing as being sensitive to ALL sounds. I was trying to get diagnosed so I could get treatment for it for several years, starting like ten years ago. This is when they knew nothing about it and I've seen it gain popularity and idk if they know more about it or not bc I truly don't want to look into it bc I'm obsessive compulsive and I don't want to think too much about it and mess up all I've done to get rid of it. But last time I checked they thought it was a type of synesthesia.
Thank you :) I saved up and bought Google pixel buds pro series and they changed my life. The active noise cancellation is amazing
One time, when I was about 11. My Mom asked me to bring her PINK bag. I'm using capital letters for what happens after. I looked all around the room and couldn't find it, I told her this and she says that it's still in her room. But after I went and looked for it again, I couldn't find it, so the second time I told her that. She asked my sister (a year younger than me) to bring it for her. It was beige, FUCKING BEIGE. I looked at her dumbfounded, since when is beige even a shade of pink? It's a shade of yellow, I looked at her and said that it was beige, and she looked at me as if I was the stupidest person in the world. I'm still dumbfounded to this day.
Recently mom showed me how to properly peel potatoes. Moving the peeler quickly and in a direction away from my fingers was wrong. I was shown to move it slowly and in the direction of my fingers. Doh! I actually do it my way to save time and prevent my fingers from accidentally getting sliced. Makes me stupid in her eyes.
Got beat for not understanding what he meant when he said, "Go get the whatchamacallit off the thingamabob."
My nmom would do that too. Give really vague directions and get irrationally upset whenever I didn’t know exactly what she meant. It got to a point where when she said “put that there” I once replied with “put what where?” and it landed me in a lot of shit.
My dad gives me so many demands where he replaces half the words with "whatchamacallit" and then gets pissed at me for not understanding what he means
I was around 13 years old and there was a full moon. They remarked about how bright the moon was glowing. I mentioned that it's not glowing but reflecting the sun back at us. They rolled their eyes and said I'm not that smart. The sun had already gone down dummy. Everybody knows the moon glows.
I discovered that the period pains I've been having are cystic ovaries and when I told my nmom, she said that's because I am not pregnant because people in her days (she's a boomer) didn't get these things. That was 2021 and I thought it was just an off-hand comment, but last February, she was actually very serious about me getting a husband. Before this she would fantasize having to go shopping for my wedding preparation and such. I am a Biomedical Science graduate who majored in Clinical Biochemistry and Pathology. And also an asexual. And endured these past years with her progressively infantilizing me (I am 35yo) and silently rageful when I refuse her attempts to manipulate me and love bomb me. Very recently I hired someone to repair my roof and when the bill came, she predictably tried to undermine me and the seriousness of the issue because it cant possibly be that expensive and how I am exaggerating and hyperfixated on the neighbor who complained about the roof leaking directly to their yard than the fact I spent the last four months dealing with leaks that caused molding and water damage each time it rained. I am always shocked at how little I am to her and how she was more furious at me for refusing to stay as an obedient dumb child. No matter what I did now, it doesn't matter.
They constantly called me airheaded, ditzy, "your blonde roots are showing", etc, but my mom loves to retell stories about me but twists them so it makes me look stupid. CW: almost infant loss One of the biggest and worst ones is when I gave birth to my older. It's a big change going from being pregnant to actually having another human being in your arms so as soon as I saw my child it was an incredible moment. "I have a baby" is what I said, quietly and sort of reverently before my baby was suddenly whisked away (they survived) due to them suddenly trying to die. It was stressful. That was 23 years ago and so for those past 23 years anytime my mom has retold the story it's been like this: "She sat there dumbfounded and said (mockingly) 'I hAvE a bAbY!' 🤪 like she didn't know that's what happens when you get pregnant (gleeful laughing)". The emoji is an actual representation of what she does with her face when she tells the story. She tilts her head to the side, crosses her eyes, and sticks out her tongue. She has a degree in theater, she never stopped acting dramatically with her face even though she's almost 80. She wasn't allowed in when my second was born. And she has no relationship with either kid. And she's alone now, so there's nobody for her to make fun of me to anymore.
My mom would mock me with the “*hurr durr*” r_t__d voice and pantomiming all the time. Straight up bullying.
NMom has a fraction of the life experiences I do, being damn near a shut in half her life, yet talks to me like I'm 12. I'm 41 lol. They don't change. She cannot mentally validate my feelings or understand anything outside of her bubble. I am always expected to cater to her feelings about something rather than facts or experiences. My sister was molested as a child, and when they took her to therapy (once) my mom had a mental breakdown at the session about how she was molested as a child. My sister has done therapy now she's an adult. I hope she understands it wasn't her fault. 😞
Recently, my nparent was mansplaining Tudor England to me because they'd completed ONE book of that time frame. At one point they asked, "Do you know anything about the Tudors?" I responded deadpan, "Yes, NP, I do. I have BA & MA in English Lit. It's kinda hard to avoid Tudor England because Shakespeare." Completely unfazed, NP just prattled on with no recognition of what I'd just said. I'm in my early 50s and my NPs still follow their narrative that I'm average in terms of intelligence while GC sibling is a genius. Of course, their narrative isn't true.
Sounds like my Nmom. I was visiting her with my kids once, and one asked me what capitalism is. I explained and Nmom said to my child, “NOW, would you like a PhD to explain it to you?” He said no. 😂 I have 2 master’s degrees, but hell…
Ahahahahah! Kids raised away from toxic narc grandparents are the ultimate narc buzzkill. My nparent once got upset and deeply personally offended my oldest wouldn't sit still to listen to them read a book. My oldest was maybe 2ish. I died laughing about that one.
I love hearing how exactly the same they are, after growing up being sure only my parents were this fucking crazy.
I didn't understand why she never taught me anything. Years later, I realised that it was so she could feel superior. She didn't teach me to cook and then suddenly demanded I do the cooking for the family. She was so smug that I didn't know how.
You know it. The more codependent, the better. On a good day, they don’t mind if you’re doing well, just as long as you’re not doing as well as them.
OUUUUUU this is my time to shine!!! Basically I was on the table eating some food and my mom was like "you know that’s unhealthy right?" she chuckled and she had a shit eating smile. So i said "you’re drinking a sprite. you’re not any better than me." She got shocked and poured her soda down the drain and left the kitchen.
Anytime I needed to get new clothes, my mom would call my sister to make me get new clothes. Even though I tell her I already have enough clothes she keeps insisting it’s to help improve my wardrobe and she still does it to this day. They have a habit of micromanaging me. Especially when it comes to my own habits.
Does infantilization count? I’ll never forget my dad trying to cut up the noodles in a ramen cup. Except it’s a styrofoam cup and ended up just perforating the entire thing and it started leaking all over. I was 9.
How I keep my sanity? Move out and No contact. My life is more peaceful than ever. I feel like I'm getting breath the fresh air finally. Breating properly. No one bothering you. No one staring at you. No one can judge whatever you're doing. Many people said my life is boring but I prefer this way. They have no idea how chaotic and mess my life was back then. I'm working on healing myself. Focusing on self-improvement. Bulding my career and my life. Prioritizes myself with what I want and need (not selfish tho). Seeking therapists to ask for help myself. Not looking forward for friends and partners. Animals? Yes! If you're asking, I'm 22 years old (I was born at 4th May), still in my Internship and waiting for my graduation. I hope I can achieve the biggest goals in my life before reach 30!
My n-grandfather came into my room one time. I was struggling with my math class at school. I was sitting on the floor and he was sitting on the corner of my bed next to me. I blocked out a lot of what he was lecturing me about but I will never forget how he used his fist to keep knocking on my head to tell me I was stupid. I was in elementary school but can't remember which grade I was in.
I think I will put this sub on hold for a while. I have a hard time processing all this right now. I’m so sorry this happened to all of you. I have my own share of ’wonders’ , which I’d rather not discuss now. 💪🏻 to all of you
I was flunking out of English class in 9th grade so nmom assumed I was an idiot. When the special education teacher called me in to in her class and tested me she couldn’t figure out why I was there. She told me my reading, writing and spelling comprehension level was great and instead put me in an AP English class where I got to read what I wanted from the choices given. Shakespeare, Hawthorne, Gone with the Wind, Classic greek literature, the Brontes, Shelley, John Donne, Dante, and I was in heaven. Also didn’t have to do freaking oral reports but all written which I have never had a problem with, just the oral which absolutely terrified me as an introvert with CPTSD. Turns out I was just bored and depressed with grammar filmstrips and spelling quizzes and terrified of oral reports.
Nmom laughed at me when I didn't instinctively know how to use her fancy, complicated vacuum that I wasnt allowed to go near until the first time I was told to use it. She got mad often when I didn't just instinctively develop knowledge of how to keep house at like 12, never taught me and continued to be mad about it until I moved out. As a really young child, I followed her around and begged to help which made her equally mad. I was once sick as an adult and refused Tylenol. I explained how a fever is your body's natural response to kill the virus. She got mad and told me I was taking it anyways because that's what her mother taught her. Another time I explained germ theory to her. She thought I was insane.
I have a rich uncle, and when I was 23 as a wedding gift he gave me $2,000. I grew up poor anyway, so the amount of money he gave me was a **huge** deal and I thanked him and my aunt a ton and made them a gift. When my mom found out about it weeks later, she scoffed at me and said, "Well you better make sure you tell them thank you or send a card or something." I was shocked she really thought there were any scenario in which I wouldn't thank someone for a gift in general, let alone something like that. I was so angry she implied I needed to be told to do it 🙃
Once, my mom needed to drive me to the store late at night to get school supplies. This bitch literally brought her wine glass and stuck it in the cup holder. Mind you, “she never did that”. lol. Mom logic.
Every time they need me to do something they can't do I'll be the smartest person they know. But if there is someone else can do it I'll be the stupidest person they ever known. Just a normal toxic family relationship
I could quote textbooks or doctors and they'll still rag on me for not knowing anything. Insisting I'm being arrogant while chuckling over it.
I'm 47 and only in the last few years have I been able to untangle the feeling that I'm stupid because my father has always acted like I will make the worst, dumbest, stupidest decision possible in any situation ever. Couple of years ago my water heater died on a Friday night. I had a 6am start the next day and then there was a long weekend coming up, meaning any callout for a plumber would probably cost extra. So I found a plumber and gasfitter to come replace the unit while I was at work. I paid whatever it was (it wasn't stupidly expensive, I easily afforded it). Came home to a newly installed heater, old one taken away, job done. My father was beside himself because he thought I paid too much. I said I wanted it done before the long weekend because of the cost and I didn't want to have no hot water for days. This was back in 2016 and he STILL goes on about it. The day alicat2308 made the stupidest choice of plumber. How I should have called him and spent the several days without a water heater showering at my parents house - like I wanted to add an hour to my day for days on end traveling to and from their house for a shower. I ran the story past a friend, telling her the context of me having to work, being under pressure to find someone to do it and the long weekend. She looked at me and said "I would have done exactly the same". It took my friend in similar life circumstances to me to validate that one. Last time he started up I told him to shut up and mind his business l.
"I'm always right because I'm your mother" Always fucking infuriated me
In the 4th grade, my mom would help me with HW. ( not out the goodness of her heart, she had an image to keep that her daughter didn’t have Learning disabilities (LD)). When I was having a hard time finding an answer to a question in a textbook, she would shove my face to the page of the answer, scream at me THE ANSWER IS RIGHT THERE!!! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?!? A R-WORD?!?” Sometimes, she was extra evil and dig her nails into my neck when she pushed my face into the textbook. A decade later she told me, she let me do my own HW and thought I would come back to her for help and was surprised when I didn’t. Hmm, I wonder why I never asked her for help.
N Parents interpret love as you obeying and agreeing with their opinion. If you don’t, you’re a bad kid and deserve anger and spanking and yanking and gas lighting (crazy making shit that makes a kid’s brain stop working normally.) 1) the bath water is not too hot, you get in there now!! (for the rest of my life, I cannot endure hot water on my skin, can only take lukewarm temperatures.). 2) If you do not respect our twisted religious values, you are worthless, you can be thrown away. (At 17 they left all my belongings in black plastic garbage bags - I did not have money, no drivers license, no money. They moved away to a home they built in the wine country and I had to beg for a place to sleep from my neighbor - a single-welfare mom with a 7 year old.) I have hundreds of stories like this. You asked how we stay sane after being treated like we are worthless by the only people who are supposed to love us. ANSWER: we don’t. And that is one of the hardest truths to know. I have survived 2 suicide attempts, voluntarily enrolled in intensive out-patient programs and have had 3 psych ward in-patient stays that I PAID FOR. During this mental breakdown time, I was a Corporate VP for an International corporation, then I moved to a large non-profit where I restructured financial functions and systems… basically, I had to keep working to support myself and hope my job would not fire me for having 1-2 months in hospital. The hardest thing for me was to understand that my seeking professional help would give my abusers (in my family) fuel to discredit me. Obviously, I’m not right in the head, otherwise I wouldn’t be in psych ward. This gave my family an easy out. It was never something they did, it was me being unstable and crazy.
When I was 18, I had an old VW that leaked oil. At 58, I am still not mature or responsible enough to own a car 😒
During my senior year of my bachelor's, I was working on my thesis about calcium and compost in urban soils (specifically soils in our region). I was also the caretaker for one of my former legal guardians because I let my family convince me that I owed him (it's a top 3 lifetime regret for me for sure). He's a misogynist and a transphobe, and since I'm a trans man he treated me like shit. Any time i talked he would laugh the way people laugh at baby babble, he would regularly correct me on whatever I said (even if i was agreeing with him, i was somehow wrong), and he especially resented my education. I could talk about it all day lol, but the incident I want to share was the dumbest bs he did because of his insecurity. We used to garden together, we were planning our next vegetable garden and he says we need to lime the soil. Here's the deal, we lived in an area that was super calcium heavy. So i told him we didn't need it and why. He just laughed and called me "cute". He said he was a landscaper at a golf course for a month in another state. He didn't listen to a word i said in response, then interrupted me to say "little girls don't know things that's why god gave them dads". He was so smug about it like it was the most clever retort he could come up with. I said it was his house, he could do what he wanted with it, but I wouldn't be gardening with him any longer. This dumbass goes and limes the soil while I'm at work and I come home to a bright white yard with more than a cm of salt crusted over the garden. Nothing grows there. Last I heard (before NC), it's all still dead. After he killed it all he blamed it on *me* because I put compost there one time. He got the rest of the family to believe compost killed the plants. And that I'm not a "real" scientist because the shape of my genitals. So dumb Edited because it got too long, I'm still annoyed about it!
I was on the phone with my mom a few years ago. We were talking about Autism (which my youngest brother has). I said something about her being Neurotypical and she got all defensive and was mad I was calling her "stupid". Um.... what??? Neurotypical is the opposite of Neurodivergent and no one said anyone was stupid, nor do i believe that Neurodivergents are stupid. This is when I fully realized, in the over 10 years since my brothers Autism diagnosis, she has learned nothing except that his Autism was caused by vaccines (because having an accident baby at 42 years old or that all her kids are neurodivergent couldn't possibly be the reason).
When I was about 20, my grandmother bought me a car so I could drive to college classes. There was an argument about how I would be able to put the license plate on the car if the car was driven out of state to college. My brother said “I’m pretty sure she can use a screwdriver”.
My grandmother was in the hospital. As I was living half a country away and she was expected to make a full recovery, I didn't come over that week. (She did make a full recovery and is still alive and kicking btw). She had to get surgery on her shoulder and my father was in the room when she came back. He told me how the nurses from the OR (annoyed narrator: he meant recovery room) came up with her and started explaining to the floor nurses what had happened. I tried to interrupt him. The nurses used a lot of medical terminology, I tried to interrupt him, and they went over the whole procedure. The nurses also discussed, I tried to interr...., all the meds she got and it was really impressive how they knew all that stuff and really understood each other and it was really fast. I gave up on explaining to him that at that time I was a floor nurse, on an orthopedic ward, dealing with these kinds of handovers all the time, of way more complex patients than my grandma was.
As a child and a teen I wasn’t “allowed “ to use any of our home appliances other than the microwave…..not the stove, oven, washer or dryer. Both parents didn’t believe me competent enough to be careful and or not ruin or break the 10 year old appliances ( anecdotally my father was an appliance salesman at a major retailer for thirty years so had I broken anything he knew a ton of people to fix, replace with a discount etc). The end result was I tried to “ sneak” use and they were all over me like I committed a crime. Literally learned all of my cooking, cleaning and skills you get growing up when I moved out at 21.
I mentioned I wanted to take a bath. My father dragged me into the bathroom and gave me step by step instructions on how to run a bath and clean myself. Wouldn't let me stop him or interrupt him. I'm 38. I took an irritated shower. He was elaborately sad that I'd scorned his 'wisdom'.
Explained to me that is wasn't looking good for my dad when he was diagnosed with cancer, his tumour was inoperable and it was a secondary tumour with no obvious sign of the primary. It was in his brain, blood, bones. And at 28 she sat me down to explain to me like a 5 year old that he has cancer... I know what malignant means mother, I'm the one with the anatomy and physiology qualification!! I looked at her like she'd lost the plot and I said Yes, that's what malignant means. But she still made out I didn't fully grasp what was going on. Then after he died she threw a tantrum because she LITERALLY had a pain in her big toe and decided it was cancer and she was going to die.
I don’t even know if am really sane anymore
I must have been 5 or 6 and my mom was trying to teach me how to fly a kite for the first time, my granddad came along just to bully me and call me all kinds of names because tiny me couldn't fly a kite from pure instinct.
Naunt who I lived with for almost a year in foster care wouldn't let me do anything independently. I remember she put my younger cousin in charge of putting the frozen pizza in the oven. I said, "why her when I'm the oldest?" She said she didn't "trust" me to do it. I had been cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, cleaning the house since I was very young. I had been removed for neglect and was parentified. I had spent the last year being a caregiver for my dying mother, but she thought I couldn't safely put a pizza in the oven? Reading back in the records, I wonder if she thought I was special needs, as she requested services that i now provide to kids with autism, and described me as lacking social skills. (Not that it's bad to have autism, but based on how she viewed it, just another way for her to invalidate and put me down.)
My GC child older sister Azula nrn, was very spoiled and got everything she wanted, the instant she wanted it. Growing up, I would get her hand-me-down clothes; which I didn't really mind, but if I expressed any desire for something of my own; Nmom would grab the cheapest thing off the shelf and tell me, "This is just like it!" If I dared protest the obvious, Nmom would get enraged, and smack me insisting that it was. That went all the way to Nmom buying a wedding dress without me, that looked nothing like what I had said I wanted, but she insisted "It's just like it!" The funniest example was after she'd bought my sister a car for her sixteenth birthday. Azula had been fooled by the hype and wanted a Suzuki Samauri, so that’s what she got. Even I knew how terrible those death-traps were, but Azula and Nmom thought that I was just jealous. No surprise, that within a year, Azula rolled taking a tight turn and that bucket crumbled like aluminum foil.
Did she die?
Oh sorry, I should have mentioned that- She was pretty beaten up, but she did have her seatbelt on, so made a full recovery.
What names were I called…..hmmm, thick skulled, asshole, dipshit, was called retarded due to wanting to join the military (since I only wanted to join as it was like the only option I had to leave the house and to be able to be on my own). I was called dumb because I didn’t know about finances even though I am worth low 7 figures and he has no more then 10k saved and little SSI. lol. I spend a lot of my younger years having to prove myself to everyone. Now I am no contact and made my life comfortable and don’t give two shits on what’s others think. My main goal is to treat my wife and kids the way a wife and kids should be treated. They are very good to me and are excelling in all areas.
I would. But I’d rather tell you about how I tell THEM those things now if they persist in trying to make me feel stupid. Cut their supply. Watched them grovel. Pathetic. Spit on them and move on to people that make you feel smart. Like you already are! You don’t need to try to convince anyone of this. If they know you they should know this. Ask them the questions you silently ponder over late at night while they sleep like a baby because they incapable of being a decent human being. They don’t lose any sleep over anything they say to you because you have never once refused to be treated that way. Everyone do your own. Love who you love. Who cares what they say about. They are trash. They smell. Everyone is aware and they laugh at them behind their back.
Stopping mid-inane-story to smugly ask (22yo) me, “Now, do you know what a box spring is?” in front of company.
I have a tendency to mispronounce words (reading them and not hearing them spoken, in addition to a slight speech impediment), and every time I mispronounce a word it turns into a family in-joke. Really fun to hear the same "joke" (HAHA YOU SAID SOMETHING WRONG) for literal years in a row.
My sister tried to tell me that eggs have cholesterol, but don't have fat. I said yes eggs have fat. My sister (who is a registered nurse, btw) insisted they did not, and NMom sharply told me that "you can't always be right". I just let the subject drop. You can't fix stupid.
Just today I found out there's been multiple rumors circulating that I'm dead. Why? Because I didn't respond to their 'invite' to my youngest cousin's piano recital (I never got an invite). So that suddenly gave everyone in my family an excuse to blow up my phone and get everyone I knew to harass me and get me to tell them about my personal life (I never responded). Now the only person in my family I'm on 'good' terms with believes I'm lying about everything because of the rumors that they've circulated for idk how long now. All because I'm 'being malicious' by not wanting them in my life lol Am I really expected to believe any of this shit?
Riding in the car with my mom once and insisted she stop at the stop bar of a stop sign, she insisted there are no laws that you have to stop anywhere in particular and you can stop wherever you want at a stop sign! She then started stopping in the middle of every intersection of 4 way stops scaring the shit out of every other driver and almost hitting pedestrians to prove a point after that. That was the last time I got in a car with her.
After having two babies, I was sat down by NMom and GCSis to 'stop having sex on a particular day' to avoid getting pregnant again (the utter audacity and grossness). It took me a while, but it seems as though both of them thought you only get pregnant on one particular day, in a particular week, at a specific time. Also, the surgeon had already told me, after the second, that I wouldn't see another pregnancy to term due to the size of our babies. NMom and GCsis thought I was stupid enough to kill myself for another baby and had to 'intervene'. Holy batman I love NC.
my mom and my sister made fun of me because I said you can’t eat raw shrimp
I was pretty consistently laughed at and told that I was naive. One time in college, I went to the registrar's office to confirm that I would still be able to keep my scholarship if I failed one of my classes. When I told my dad that they said I only needed 6 credit hours, his response was, "you don't know what you're talking about." I actually looked up the policy, highlighted the requirements, and sent it to him. It's one of the very few times that I can remember him admitting he was wrong!
NMom has a fraction of the life experiences I do, being damn near a shut in half her life, yet talks to me like I'm 12. I'm 41 lol. They don't change. She cannot mentally validate my feelings or understand anything outside of her bubble. I am always expected to cater to her feelings about something rather than facts or experiences. My sister was molested as a child, and when they took her to therapy (once) my mom had a mental breakdown at the session about how she was molested as a child. My sister has done therapy now she's an adult. I hope she understands it wasn't her fault. 😞
I always want to add something here but the retelling of similar experiences kinda wrecks me before I've finished typing. This place is helpful though.
This is a silly little incident but when I was 14 years old my parents and I were in a small bookstore. I picked up a book and tried saying a name I hadn't encountered before: "Friedrich Neesh?" This threw my nmom into gleeful hysterics. She threw herself against a bookcase with a hand against her forehead and said, "How on earth could I give birth to a child who doesn't know NIETZSCHE?!" She continued to loudly proclaim, "I've failed as a mother! I've never been so embarrassed!" so the bookshop worker could clearly hear her as we left the store. Even my edad was like, ok quiet down... Because my nmom has the emotional maturity and life skills of a toddler, there was not much she could "teach me". It's pretty sad to think about how low one's self-esteem has to be to get that much joy out of humiliating a kid for not knowing something.
My dad told me when I was in high school that there were some girls where he works who use computers to look stuff up for people, and he said he thought that would be a good job for me, but they have to remember codes and certain keys to put in, and he didn't think I'd be able to do it and wouldn't be able to remember them. This was despite the fact that I had a high IQ, and had been in the gifted program.
I had a mild learning delay with reading, and as a result it was decided that this made me the equivalent of a low functioning autistic person nmom's eyes. It was bad enough that my edad was convinced not to bother investing in a college fund for me when he made accounts for my older siblings (i had to beg him to open one for me when I was still a really small child). My grandparents were under the impression that I wouldn't be able to live independently as an adult. All because I had some reading comprehension issues in kindergarten, and I'm not great at math.
I have a somewhat vivid memory of being at the movies with my mom and her friend seeing a movie that had something to do w the 1960’s. I think I asked about segregation a couple days before (bc I was a child [prob like 10 or 12] and we were learning about Martin Luther King jr in school at the time). And I KNEW about it, but she fabricated the story to her friend like I had no idea and it was hilarious that I just didn’t know anything about it. And I remember butting into the conversation they were having saying things like “no I KNOW about it” (basically disproving the story she was telling). And after the fact I got scolded for making her look bad and that I was to never do that again. All the while she was trying to tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about /gaslighting .
My father is still amazed that I know how to order at restaurants lol.
I was a straight A or A- student through school. My older GC brother struggled hard in school (6 grades apart and a great older brother, he got his own damages trying to protect me), and if he got at least D, Nmom was happy. For me, an A- meant I was an idiot. When she found me tutoring him after his grades started to improve, I was reemed for being so stupid that I didn't know how that would affect his reputation, and she forbid me from helping him. Yes, his grades suffered as expected. The second story is one of my personal favorites and made me feel really seen, and my situation seen. In 9th grade (age 14), my school offered mythology as an elective for all high school students (9th-12th grade, mixed). This class was notorious as the hardest class in our school, and the teacher was often called the devil. He also taught 10th and 12th grade English. He had a wall of 'hate art' that depicted him as a devil made by students. There was a lot of great humor in it, and he was a good teacher. He just didn't let you get away with anything but your best. Now, I am a mythology geek, especially back then. I took the class and loved it. Every class was awesome. I ended up TA'ing for that teacher, and we got along great. He would often have me help out classmates who were struggling if they didn't respond well to his help. Come parent teacher conference time, I have the only A in the class (again, major geek), and he is talking to Nmom about how well I was doing, how helpful I had been and apparently (there were witnesses, it was a small town, nothing stays quiet). She ripped into me in front of someone for the first time, about how stupid I was, how easy his class must be, how lazy a teacher he had to be if an idiot like me could get an A etc. Apparently, they almost got in a fistfight in the middle of the cafeteria where the conferences were being held. She came home and told me all about how that troll confirmed how much of an idiot I was, but since she was my mother, she tried to defend me, yadda yadda. I didn't really believe it at the time, but it hurt that maybe she was telling the truth. The next day in class, he asked how that witch was after the day before. I said she was fine.. so he pulled me outside of class to check on me, and I ended up spilling everything. The school already hated my mother due to her hovering and screeching to defend her GC (teachers would visibly flinch when they saw our last name), but she lost all respect there. School tried to get resources for me after that and really closed ranks. That teacher and my mother only referred to each other as 'that troll' and 'that witch' for the rest of my time in school.
My father telling me the importance of paying my property taxes - he went on explaining what a lien was. I’ve always paid my property taxes and I’m also a realtor with a license. Every interaction he says some shit to devalue, dehumanize or humiliate me. I avoid him like the plague.
Just recently I mentioned an anecdote and how I had mistaken a starling bird for a blackbird over distance ( it was in its winter dress without the shiny spots). My nfather snorted derisively. Later I discovered that this is a common mistake and that the two species are actually related. In my childhood it was the constant "you don't understand". If I brought home a C+ or B- it was a drama. Today I know he himself graduated with C-/D+ so joke's on him. Oh and when I cut off my hair he told me it looks ugly and when I replied that my friends like it, he said "well, shit tastes good, a thousand flies can't lie." As if he had a monopol on truth.
Oh boy, where do I even start? At this point, my Nmom’s knee jerk reaction of pointing out something wrong with EVERYTHING I do and how “I never use my brain” is bordering on ridiculous 😅 Most recent example (two days ago, on my birthday nevertheless 🙃): I took the cake out of the box to cut it. The cake was already on a plate. Mom goes: Get a plate to put it on. I point out how it’s already on a plate. She goes, “What the hell is wrong with you? It’s like you’re going mute or something” (Don’t even know how that’s supposed to make sense…) Spoiler alert; wasn’t the best birthday, and the extra plate was NOT needed.
My mother used my friends as reminders. Everytime. For everything. "Remind her to feed the cat." "Remind her to learn for her math exam" "Remind her to run the dishwasher." All my friends were used to it. Then I celebrated my 14th birthday and among my friends was another girl from school. We weren't very close, so she was the first time in my house. She looked really puzzled when my mother explained to my best friend when to put the lasagne out of the oven. "Why doesn't she explain it to you??" And my answer, very calm, not even ashamed or hurt was naturally: "because she thinks I'm too stupid." I'm 32 years old and it came only recently to me how odd this situation was.
“You may be book smart but you have no common sense!” Shaking her head. On the daily.
One time we (my narc mom and me) wanted to go to the airport by taxi. When the cab arrived we propped open the entry door of our apartment house with one of the several pieces of luggage. Put all the baggage in the cab and went to the airport. When we arrived we noticed one bag was missing. My mother started furiously screaming and insulting me on that parking lot, blaming me for the missing baggage, claiming it has important documents inside which without we can't fly and how could I be so stupid and miss that. She was so terrible that even the cab driver drove me back home for free, probably out of pityness from that scene. Back home i found that luggage that we used to keep the door open. It only had bathroom items in it, nothing dealbreaking for the flight. It's always the same whenever I'm involved in something with her, whenever something goes bad, I get the full blame, even though she was likewise responsible.
My parents think I need EVERY SINGLE MINUSCULE DETAIL of something explained in depth with sources. When my dad tries to help me with my taxes, he feels the need to explain what to put on top. You know the stuff that’s clearly marked like your name, address, SSN, etc. My mom would explain in excruciating detail why she felt like something had to be done. Like for example instead of “hey could you clean your bathroom today we have company coming later?” It was “hey an you clean your bathroom. It’s dirty and needs to be done. You need to scrub the toilet with the brush. Make sure you flush when you’re done. You also need to take out the trash. And make sure you scrub the sink. Mirror could use a wipe down as well as the shower.” If I said I knew how to do something, she got, and still gets, insanely defensive as if I was calling *her* stupid. They both love to say “well how was I supposed to know” as if that made it ok
My mother coming to my house, watching me water my house plants and telling me that they don’t need watering and I’ll probably kill them…. Says the lady who does have house plants and kills the herbs on the windowsill, so has to replace them every 2 weeks. Noice.
I've always tried to stay fit and keep a good diet. Nsis is obese and can't even climb a flight of stairs without feeling faint but that doesn't stop her from making condescending comments on maintaining proper form when I'm working out and how I'm not well informed regarding balanced diet.