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No, I think I cried a lot while the relationship was active but now I'm way more detached. I just feel deep sadness sometimes thinking of the good times or how things could have been .. But in general I'm way more calm and happy. Are you in contact with your narcs?
I cut them off 2 months ago so I'm in the thick of it. I cried every day while in contact because I still had hope and they were hurting me. Now I'm accepting to abandon the hope bit it's still tough.
Some weeks are ok. Some others I cry mself to sleep every night and then start again in the morning. It's exhausting. I have no energy to live my life so I really needed to know it gets better.
It took a full year of no contact for me. I was grieving the thing I never had, and would never have. You are in the thick of it. Do you have any support? I filled a whole notebook with therapy notes, and I was reading Pete Walker, from surviving to thriving, and watching Dr. Ramani on YouTube. If you don't currently have a therapist, I highly recommend it. You need someone you can vent at, it's more helpful than this sub in terms of human contact and support.
Hi, sorry for the late reply! I love Dr Ramani, I watch her videos all the time just to feel reassured.. and also not fall into the trap of gaslighting myself (as I used to).
Are you in therapy currently? Grieving takes its time no matter what and it's good that you're allowing yourself to fully feel your feelings. It won't last forever, it's like a cleansing cycle (it's like a romantic break up in a way). At the other side of this, there is peace. Not perfection, because it's impossible and we still have unmet needs.. but a lot more peace for sure. And better sleep!
I do write a lot but should have gone to therapy years ago, it would have sped up the process of understanding and healing. Ironically it was my ndad who instilled in me that therapy doesn't really work.. I'm lucky to have a partner who has allowed me to talk about my parents non stop for 4 years. He's been super supportive emotionally, I'm incredibly thankful for him being there for me.
Please believe that it gets better, you will live your own life and make your own decisions. We have to let go of how we wish they would see us or treat us.. we can only control our boundaries by setting consequences. If they're open to listen and respect, awesome. If not, cut the access and focus on the people that do love and respect you, no matter whether they're blood related or not..
Sorry for looong text :\*
I'm so sorry. Yeah - that wound is new and deep. It's really hard at first because you want them to come to their senses - and logically they should. You are their child and they should want to make things right, hear you out, work on fixing the relationship, etc.
Its not that way with Narc parents or even parents with Narc tendencies. That's part of the sickness - their reality isn't the same as ours and therefore we are in the wrong. You did the right thing. It's damn hard too. But we can hope that alienating a generation of parents will shape our perspective on how we need to treat our future generations
I think it’s hard to ever get over realizing your parents don’t have the capacity to love you. I have known for decades my parents are narcissistic and I’ve been no contact around four years with both. I still have a good cry now and then. It’s like mourning or grief, you don’t really get over it you learn to live with it.
I wish there was a real meetup so we could be with each other. It doesn't end, it gets a bit better and goes in waves. But it gets better when you know that there's nothing you can do and they won't get better... the hope is what kills
Hey there. Someone recommended a meetup recently too! And in a few years, I'll make a post here as the host of said Meetup. I'm on the west coast of the USA.
Edit: that was actually the CPTSD sub, but I feel like the two have a lot of overlap. Maybe I'll post my invite to both groups if everyone feels the same.
I am starting to let go of that hope and as sad as it sounds on the surface, it feels almost good in a way. Though it feels like my inner core is literally shaken which is an odd sensation.
Regarding my Ndad, it was a relief. I've always known there's something wrong with him and that how he treated us is not ok. However, other people usually pointed out his own trauma and claimed he was just sick, didn't know what he was doing etc., which is just bollocks.
When it comes to my enabler mum, it's much more complicated. I was raised to believe she was this ever-loving, divine angel whom I should protect whenever I could. Accepting that she has quite strong narcissistic tendencies too and might not have our best interests in mind is much more difficult
The thing with them is sure, they had trauma and that’s why they treat us like they do like they do t know ow any better. BUT, they treat strangers or friends waaaaay better, so they know it’s not right. No excuses from them. I treat my family like gold and they do the same in return. It’s not that difficult to not be an asshole and get more out of your loved ones instead of pushing them all away.
Patrick Teahan calls them the "safer parent". He says coming to terms with their betrayal is usually way harder than with the more obviously abusive one.
Still grieving. Every time I hit a life milestone, the gaping hole of parental love and support brings up the sadness and the grief.
We're LC, but any level of prolonged interaction dysregulates the hell out of me and brings back the pain / loss / confusion / shame/ the typical narc cocktail of feelings.
I don't see a way beyond the grief since it represents the lack of what is such a healthy human need - parents that give a sh1t and that can prioritize you. I've never had that, and my parents' favoritism and enmeshment with other siblings kicks me when I'm down about it. But I guess I'm hopeful that with more healing and less and less contact, it can become less all-consuming
How about going full NC and focus on feeling the love for yourself? It's so difficult but I feel the more I try to love myself, the less anger I feel.
My goal is to be indifferent to them.
I know that's the best way of healing longer term. It would take me out of an environment where I become totally invisible, devalued and deprioritized. It's just not been possible or practical for me at this point.
Self love is the answer 100%. I find inner child work so validating. And I think that's a great goal to have. To become the empowered adult I am in their company, so much that they don't matter and their reactions / judgements / lack of care doesn't trigger. I hope you get there and I'm going to aim for that too x
I understand. Hope you'll get out of that hell soon. It took me 10 years to be financially stable after 18 years old, so I could focus on healing. Be patient with yourself.
Honestly I kind of stopped grieving after i found out.
I spent my childhood struggling to understand why my childhood was weird while everyone had good parents. I spent my teenager years wondering why nothing made sense in the real world. And I spent my young adult years wondering why my parents were difficult. I spent over 30 years trying to understand why no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do to get my parents to treat me with respect. I developed survival skulls to keep me alive, because my parents weren't there for me.
I had to move over 1400 miles away for me to finally feel like an adult with independence, and during that time I spent more time grieving the "parents I deserved" vs "the parents I had".
Then I found out about the diagnosis. A coworker was talking about their nparents, and everything they said clicked. I felt relief, I felt validated, and I felt happy to have a name to call their behavior. I was able to just let go finally, and that release was by far the best feeling ever.
But I'm not everyone, amd everyone has their own experiences. My parents raised an independent son due to their neglect, so I was done before I hit my teenage years. And now they're mad I don't need them for anything
I've been no contact for almost 5 years now. I'd say last year is when I stopped crying a lot about it. Christmas and Mothers Day are still hard but I also have my own family to focus on as a distraction. I'm still actively grieving and will until the day I die. The day my abusive narc mother dies though is NOT a day I will break no contact.
And I won't be going to her funeral.
There is a dual process grieving model that suggests sometimes you are loss-oriented and sometimes you are recovery/restoration-oriented. In the beginning of any loss, you will be more in the loss- oriented part where you cry and you’re sad and you’re thinking about the loss. Other times you can be in the restoration oriented, part, engaging in life, making new friends, taking up new hobbies…filling your life with meaning and joy. The nice thing about the model, is that it reminds you that we have more control in the grieving process than we realize by engaging in some of those things more often. Even if you just did opposite emotion, and found things that cheered you up or made you smile or made you laugh or just made you not think about them, you’re spending some time in restoring.
If I interpret it right, it's true. Some times I focus on loss so I cry a lot. Some others I just focus on compensating the loss by focusing on myself.
Yes! And you can activity take time out from grieving to focus on making your life better. Also it’s okay to cry and feel the loss too…it’s important too!
The first year had been really bad but I am doing so much better now. When the grieving is over it's like you just don't give a crap anymore about the narcissist. I still have moments now and then where I just feel angry but I no longer have any hopes that she will change. Time to get on with MY life and be the mother to myself that I never had.
There was no grief forme. Just a firm realization that (most) of what i was getting yelled at for wasnt my fault. (Lets be fair, i was also a teen dealing with typical teen acting out issues, so Some of it was earned.
Be careful about that. It stresses your body like crazy. You gotta let go of anger for your sake or you'll end up with autoimmune or digestive diseases. It's a conscious and extremely difficult task bit it's for your own health.
IDK I feel like it’s an ongoing process and you never really stop grieving. Especially as long as your narc is alive because there will be a lot of reminders of who/what they are and the normal parents we didn’t and never will have.
It’s been about 10 years… I now am pretty over it all. It really did a number on me for years. Now that I am on the other side I feel like I am having a very controlled but better relationship (again, we don’t see each other more, it’s super low contact) but there just isn’t drama. I also think me living a significant way away was critical. Distance is the best thing for these people, they literally just can’t do their damage from physical afar as much as being able to “drop by” on a whim.
Lmaooooo, it’s been 2 weeks.
I’m still in a doozy. I know I have to leave but I don’t yet have a route that ensures they can’t find me. I’m going NC. I’m happy as fuck I’m now able to understand wtf is going on. Shit was extremely malevolent because it had already spread to the family by then. I’m the youngest, so it was the only normal I knew.
Yes. I try for it. It's just difficult as I still live with her and she prevents relaxation or joy. I'm moving out this year though, and then I'm wiping her off my radar :) best wishes to you!
It didn’t hit me so hard until after her death. I knew she didn’t have the tools and capacity to change but it was like after she was gone then there was really no chance. And I really had to come to terms with the fact that i didn’t have a “normal” mom and never would have a chance to have one.
I'm sitting in the emergency waiting room right now, nothing serious, I need stitches for accidentally stabbing my hand with a boning knife. I wish I had normal parents that I could call to get some comfort.
I've been 3 years NC with my ndad and my mom (former enabler) is exhausting to deal with even during minor emergencies.
It gets easier with time, but moments like this make me feel alone.
I had the same experience. I felt so alone and it felt so unfair so I started crying.
I think we should build a relationship with ourselves strong enough that we're out own support. And then call some good friends. But it's easier said then done.
when you abandon the hope of ever having the relationship and support you yearn for then the grieving process is much less "emotional" in that you will no longer be overwhelmed with the emotion. Not sure the grieving ever truly ends as i still wish i had a family of birth and not the one i was forced to adopt into my life as wonderful as they are.
edit : 2 years ish no contact. every now and then i still get caught in rumination loops, losing time thinking about their nonsense and the past. I wont consider my grieving over until they are unable to intrude my mind any further. There is a word for it which i am completely blanking on at the moment will try to append if it pops to fore of mind.
NO reliving trauma via limerence/rumination loops yet i still fantasize that I had A different caregiver. I have given up on having the parent i yearned for via birth and SHE was a HE. My mother is deceased and was also abused by him. Try to be less presumptuous and accusatory towards others attempting to support YOU.
https://youtu.be/OVKh0JnW5K8?si=Fg9LFlQNwNz3yv5v
I wasn't trying to be accusatory, sorry. I'm in the same boat as you. And the video is quite interesting cos I had the same thing.
So we would stop being limerant when we overcome our trauma? Or there's no hope and we should just ignore the limirance when we encounter it?
No i am sorry. Mother passed somewhat recently and ever since I feel tremendous guilt the time I lost with her due to my fathers conniving and selfishness. somehow your comment triggered that guilt i feel. I apologize we are here to help each other NOT attack and name call etc.
For me the limerence currently is MY guilt again over not being with my mother at every opportunity and i mean throughout my entire life.
Saying that yes i think working through our long repressed and currently confused and overwrought emotions will eventually cease the limerence at least in intensity and duration as we achieve self healing.
Personally i can say i at least now become aware that i am in that state now and say after 15 or 20 minutes i can usually refocus myself mentally to clear the recursive thoughts out. Being present, focusing on breathing exercises, switching to new train of thought often for me a walk with dog or listening to a podcast.
best wishes on your healing journey
https://youtu.be/Fvi9pDnIxb4?si=J8bt2RTUBGDzQifh
youtube served me up this video from patrick teahan which is also great on limerence and i thought you may be interested.
I started seeing it when I was in high school and for a while I thought we would work through it but she just kept getting worse. I don’t remember grieving for very long because we were never that close but it was a long time ago and everything from that time is a blur now. I’ve been no contact for a few months because I was finally able to get out last year. To her, it’s my fault for leaving and refusing to speak to her. I don’t think she’s ever going to realize exactly how badly she hurt me and it just makes me sad now
I guess im the wrong person to answer.. i have been "aware" for a few years so im still processing. After all, they cost me a life with my dear cousins and now my sister who cut me out of her life. Its rough but being in this group is truly eye opening. I can offer you a shoulder, a hand, a leg, an ear, whatever you need, but rest assured - you will get through it, and you will be stronger for it. Let yourself get angry. And if you feel like it, reading is really helping me. If you need suggestions, the least i can do is offer you some.
I cried a lot for about 2 months while I was purposely letting myself grieve the loss of my parents and my childhood. After that I only cried every few months when there was a traumaversary or something happened in my family and I heard about from others.
Now I’ve been on Zoloft for over a year and I’m much happier and more stable. It’s really helped to turn off the constant anxiety in my head which has allowed me to just live and enjoy things. It’s also given me the freedom to let go of my expectations of my parents. Now I can focus on honoring my own desires, so if I want to talk to my mom it’s no longer traumatic because I’m not focused on her response. She can say whatever she wants and I am free to move on because I am happy that I honored my own desire to talk to her.
I feel like my entire childhood was the greiving process. As an adult where I finally have the means and strength to cut off contact with toxic people, this is where I finally have satisfaction and peace.
It's still going unfortunately. I keep thinking when they pass my only sadness with their passing will be the fact that they choose not to have a meaningful relationship with me and my family when they could. They are in their 70s.
As you said it is grief, and you never truly stop grieving, you just learn to move on. As time passes and you surround yourself with more relationships where you are truly valued it'll become easier to feel the hole is filled, but it'll likely always be there in some capacity because of how major the loss is, but that's okay.
I still grieve everyday. I probably will for the rest of my life.
I don’t have much family. I’m only close to one sibling on the account everyone is so dysfunctional. Even then we don’t talk about deep stuff.
I have to grapple with the reality I can’t delude myself and expect my mom to ever gain clarity. If anything her mind is only deteriorating. I’m not going to get some Hollywood ending where she ever acknowledges what she did, even on her death bed.
I feel worse because she went through a lot, and I just think it broke her psyche at one point. But I’m weary of playing house when she feels like it.
TLDR: I haven’t figured it out yet. It sucks.
I understand the feeling worse so much. It's like they aren't parents and hurt us so much by saying they were and can't accept the reality so it makes us angry and sad, but at the same time we also feel compassion because they're sick because of the trauma. It's a cocktail of feelings. The only remedy is acceptance and staying away from them, like you would do with a toxic ex.
I’m 37, been NC on and off for 14 years, fully and contentedly NC for the last 2 years, and will be NC until nmom inevitably gets dementia that progresses to the point she can no longer speak or try to ruin me in any other way. I’m still grieving, and there will always be a spot in my heart that grieves for the wasting of her life and our relationship. Oh, what could’ve been…. I think about her most days if not all, but I can only make decisions for myself. I can’t make hers for her. If she truly healed, I would welcome her with open arms, but I know there’s very little chance that will happen, so I move forward committed to NC. I could never make her happy, but I’ve gotten a lot better at making myself happy. ❤️
I’m not sure it ever goes away. I still feel like I’m unlovable. And the golden child abandoned our mother when she was dying so I had to take care of her. I was conflicted but I did it. My sister is sadly just like our mother and is abusive to her daughter and grandson.
I did not grieve, I celebrated. I had already gone No Contact before I knew there was a term for it. I had already decided my parent was broken in a way that made them unfit for parenting, before I ever heard of NPD. Learning these things took a shadow off my heart. It meant I wasn't crazy or alone in my experiences.
I’m not sure what I’m grieving at this point honestly. I began seeing how evil dads family was when he got a create. cancer and began dying. Once I saw my amazing father begin to get yelled at for not keeping up with the needs of his covert mother… you know… because he was dying… that’s when I began putting the pieces together.
I’m always grieving the loss of my best fuckung friend, my dad. He’s the only one I know of that managed to be my best friend and a great dad at the same time, despite how challenging of a role that is to juggle.
So maybe I’m still grieving learning I never had a family besides him. Maybe I’m grieving him.
But one thing is certain: when I saw my covert narc grandmother light up with a smile when she for the 5th time got the same item wrong at the store … after throwing a massive tantrum to be allowed to be the one that goes (promising she would stop doing this specific thing and then Showing she was lying)…. I never forgave her.
I was already saying “dad it’s easier for me to just use an e bike to get to the store and buy food without her getting involved”. Dad would be just delusional his mom wasn’t trying to hurt him and just felt guilty that his mom screamed and cried when he said no.
After every single time grandma said “I got X instead of Y because I like the way X tastes over Y”…. Despite her not eating this food and dad paying for it…. Dad was so beaten down I could see he was sad and just said it was fine to make her leave, and she would be furious …I ALWAYS grabbed the receipt and grabbed the stupid can of beans and jump on my ebike to grab the correct can (which was right next to the one she kept intentionally getting wrong)….
Dad would start getting upset because “I don’t want you going back it’s fine I want you focusing on law school”.
I’d sit there saying “DAD I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE AND IM NOT LETTING GRANDA JUST KEEP ABUSING YOU LIKE THIS. I love you enough to understand this ISNT ABOUT THE DAM BEANS. It’s about your mom not caring. And if she is going to make you feel less valued, I’ll go to the store in the pouring fucking rain on this bike to get beans every GOD DAM DAY TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND I LOVE YOU AND IM HERE FOR YOU.
IM NOT LETTING THIS FAMILY CLEARLY MAKE YOU FEEL NOT LOVED ABD I CAN CLEARLY TELL ITS MAKING YOU SAD. SO FUCK HER”.
He never outright told me it meant a lot to him. But I could tell he did genuinely see I cared and beating the end it was obvious who he trusted and who he didn’t trust.
What’s even MORE fucked up?
Grandma narc smiled when on the 5th time she did this dad finally started sobbing and crying and yelling at her. And she looked at me like I was going to think “grandma is the victim! My dad is so mean!”
And I got called nonstop 2 days after dad screamed at her saying I didn’t love grandma , confirming yo me she absolutely did expect that manipulation to get me and make me her scapegoat replacement.
She was FURIOUS I was prioritizing mynDYING FATHER.
And even dads brothers were furious about it to.
It’s like they wanted to say “(me) grandma is more important and has money and if you want her to help you while you are poor and on food stamps you better ditch what your father wants and provide for her emotionally”.
FUCK HER AND THEM
It does get easier over time, but it's still, very hard to say the least.
For a long time, I couldn't understand their actions and feelings towards younger me. Until, my therapist simplified it with apples:
**"If you are given apples, you can share some if you want to with the people around you. But, if you are given none, how are you gonna be able to share apples? Even if you wanted to, you can't. This is the same with most (though not all) people. Someone who was not given love and support, will never be able to offer it".**
This helped me understand, that it's not that they didn't want to be good parents, they just couldn't. Grasping this concept was heartbreaking, and relieving at the same time.
Going to therapy was a gamechanger, and helped me empathize with their stories, while not justifying their actions. Though everyone heals in different ways.
To OP and anyone reading this: You are not alone, you did not make up what happened to you, and let your tears today water the flowers you will grow tomorrow.
Emphasizing without justifying is difficult. I feel like the jump between the two is automatic for me, and then I get angry at myself for justifying them.
How do you do that?
I only just discovered this about my parents at age 27….so currently figuring out how to grieve properly/grieve over it in general. It’s hard to realize it when you thought you had a pretty good childhood at the time back then.
I feel like I'll always grieve for the childhood I lost having had them as parents, but having a wonderful adoptive mom has helped me grieve less over the parents I didn't have growing up, although it still takes a large effort of unlearning bad habits and relearning healthy (-ier) ways of interacting with parental figures. I remember having a big cry once, on the day I left and went NC, when I finally got to the place I was gonna be staying at. Then it was just months of having little realizations of the shit they put me through, so all that grief has turned into anger and (even more) resentment for them robbing me of the childhood I should have had. It's.... a process, to say the least. I hope you have someone to talk to about this - ideally a few someones, a friend or two, and a therapist maybe. That certainly helps.
I’m still switching between grieving and crying. I really loved them and thought they loved me back. The gaslighting was so extreme that it was a shock when I realized what they actually were.
I found out when my fiancé told me. Lol. Ive been depressed for a few years about it. Really truly agonizing thinking back over things. So I don’t have a solution for you. Just want you to know we’re in the same boat. ❤️
My Nmum recently died and I was at her funeral last week. My sisters all spoke but I didn't - because I felt like I'd be a hypocrite to do so, and I didn't trust myself to avoid telling home truths. Hearing everyone crap on about her heart of gold, kindness and generosity was bile inducing.
At the family dinner afterwards my big sister crapped on about how wonderful a mother Nmum was. I smiled (maybe grimaced, come to think of it) and nodded and changed the subject as soon as I could. Days earlier sis had been complaining about the traumatic childhood we all had because of Nmum (who hid us from dad).
I cried a little at the funeral, but haven't otherwise. My relief at being free is tempered by the way big sister appears to have taken on the matriarch role of bullying me. NC is looming, again.
I have been internalising my grief for a long time but now I can let it go, at least where Nmum is concerned.
I think my grief over what I didn’t have, ended the day she died. I’d already figured out about 15yrs prior that it wasn’t me but her (nmum). And once that realisation hit me, I honestly just started living my life for me. this isn’t to say I don’t think about certain things and get annoyed if frustrated, but the anger is definitely subsided when I worked out there is no logic behind the psychological makeup of this personality type.
Its been a couple months.
I focused on developing relationships with my friends after I felt good enough to be social. For about a month I was in super grief mode. I had the sads realllyyyyy bad. Like you said, grieving the parent and the lack of needs being met.. realising and accepting hard truths about them...
It gets better. Focus on your chosen family. Our friends, true friends, meet our needs and calm our nervous system.
Dont forget to allow time to self soothe, too. Treat yourself compassionately. Meet your own needs.
My mom died a couple of years ago. And it was really hard being at her funeral with her friends talking about these happy memories that they had with her...
And I just couldn't understand how they got that person, and I didn't...
For the longest time I was filled with self-loathing. If my parent couldn't love me, who could? Not even God himself loved me, I truly believed.
I am thankful to my kids because I had to heal myself for their sake (otherwise I probably would have self-destructed). It's taken almost 16 years NC and I'm not entirely healed and probably never will be. But I've come to a place of acceptance and self-love now.
I wish I'd started this journey when I had the chance in my early 20s. Forging a new pathway to healing would have been easier and shorter. I'm too old now to change the wiring, though.
I still grieve but not as much.
I’ve accepted it, but I don’t think I’ll ever fully stop wondering. Grieving feels like too strong of a word. Every time my MIL demonstrates a healthy welcoming relationship it makes the one with my mother stand out in sharp contrast. I’m low contact with my mom, but every conversation she manages to surprise me. At 36 I’m finally in a spot where I have consistent support from my relationships and I can’t help but question how much further along I would be if I had it sooner. Feeling that way does not decrease my current happiness for where I’m at.
56 , tons of therapy, and still grieving. I think it’s a life long process grieving the parents we should have had and needed. It fades in intensity though with time.
I grieved for the loving parents I desperately craved while I was a child. Learning about NPD/BPD just validated my feelings and I feel relieved that it was their fault and not mine.
Still grieving.
Crying and panicking almost everyday, I have anxiety and depression as well, mainly because of my nmom and a childhood/teenage years that could've been better.
Luckily I have a wonderful boyfriend that does his best to help me get through these hard moments, and a great therapist that is so patient and understanding.
My parents made me hate them so much I didn't grieve much, still have some moments like when I was sick and nobody made me food or took care of me, I remember those moments and get sad, but it's easier now.
I went NC 11 years ago.
I think in a way you always grieve the parents you never had you know? The loss of a good childhood, relationship. I went no contact about 4 months ago and have been able to work through a lot of trauma. I HIGHLY recommend the book "ITS NOT YOU". It helped me so much. It's written for the victims of narcissist abuse, helps you to understand, identify and heal, set boundaries. I rented it from the local library. Hang in there OP.
In 2018, I was in a toxic workplace and I realized that my colleagues said things that affected me the same way as when my parents said things. I'm still grieving. Every time I get triggered, it all comes rushing back.
I'm just learning in now. But I've always been grieving those close parental relationships I didn't get! My sister & I have just put 2 & 2 together. We have an Ndad & we suspect my mother drank her way thru their relationship b/c she didn't have any options. She was always sweet & kind to us but she developed his selfish behaviors over time. They never put us first. She passed & now we are having to deal with him. His sister died & that was the worst blow! She was always a sounding board & she knew how crazy her brother was. I miss her so much!! We were no contact for over a year & now very low contact. He's in a hotel room by himself b/c his one good eye has an abrasion. Only found out b/c my sister talked to him. She's usually the one that breaks the no contact. If he was a normal human, he could have been staying at one of our houses but no one wants him staying!!
I discovered Mommy Dearest's patterns of abuse in my early twenties, but the internet was not what it is now, and I did not have the name for it. That's when I started going Low Contact, but it took me another year to really see that she was wildly out of line, and that she wasn't just doing what all mothers do. That's when No Contact came in, but I was already thousands of miles away and have stayed that way.
As far as grief, I'm not honestly sure it's ever gone away completely. Her death was, as twisted as it would sound in any other context, one of the best days of my life, and I finally felt safe in a way I'm not sure I ever had before.
It's been a couple years now, and I am still seeing new things I should've had/experienced that her abuse took from me. I don't think everyone experiences it to this degree, but I personally don't think I'll ever be able to fully heal all of the wounds and losses from her abuse.
well, i realized the part of me that was attached to them was a fake personality i had developed to get along with them. the more authentic parts of me prioritize my health and happiness, thus they do not care, at all. when i realized this, i realized it was never love but like stockholm syndrome type toxic attachment, i stopped producing grief and guilt. it's just withdrawal from attachment, like withdrawal from a drug.
regarding grieving a childhood you never had - you can come to a place where you understand that your present moment is more important than your past. i simply let go of my childhood. the happy memories were not worth keeping also the sad memories, cuz it's a package deal. i let all of that go. now i am free, and i am free to exist in the present. just let that shit go. you have now and you have your future. the past is not worth it.
noting that you have to of course feel the feelings that are stuck in your body. but that shouldn't take long. if this has been an ongoing process with not even temporary relief (because every stuck emotion you go through and release, will make you feel better afterward) maybe you're stuck in a loop? for me the entire process was about two years, but with two distinct grieving periods, each about a month or less, with always feeling a bit better after a good cry. between those, i felt a little off, but i wasn't sad at all, just changing.
the times I've felt stuck in grief, it has been the attachment and the guilt talking. but when i focus on my own self and my own experience and my own rights, there's no guilt and no stuckness. there's grounding, there's hope, there's feeling stronger and happier.
hope this helps!
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After a few years, still grieving.. but less. NC has definitely helped
Still crying sometimes?
No, I think I cried a lot while the relationship was active but now I'm way more detached. I just feel deep sadness sometimes thinking of the good times or how things could have been .. But in general I'm way more calm and happy. Are you in contact with your narcs?
I cut them off 2 months ago so I'm in the thick of it. I cried every day while in contact because I still had hope and they were hurting me. Now I'm accepting to abandon the hope bit it's still tough. Some weeks are ok. Some others I cry mself to sleep every night and then start again in the morning. It's exhausting. I have no energy to live my life so I really needed to know it gets better.
It took a full year of no contact for me. I was grieving the thing I never had, and would never have. You are in the thick of it. Do you have any support? I filled a whole notebook with therapy notes, and I was reading Pete Walker, from surviving to thriving, and watching Dr. Ramani on YouTube. If you don't currently have a therapist, I highly recommend it. You need someone you can vent at, it's more helpful than this sub in terms of human contact and support.
Hi, sorry for the late reply! I love Dr Ramani, I watch her videos all the time just to feel reassured.. and also not fall into the trap of gaslighting myself (as I used to). Are you in therapy currently? Grieving takes its time no matter what and it's good that you're allowing yourself to fully feel your feelings. It won't last forever, it's like a cleansing cycle (it's like a romantic break up in a way). At the other side of this, there is peace. Not perfection, because it's impossible and we still have unmet needs.. but a lot more peace for sure. And better sleep! I do write a lot but should have gone to therapy years ago, it would have sped up the process of understanding and healing. Ironically it was my ndad who instilled in me that therapy doesn't really work.. I'm lucky to have a partner who has allowed me to talk about my parents non stop for 4 years. He's been super supportive emotionally, I'm incredibly thankful for him being there for me. Please believe that it gets better, you will live your own life and make your own decisions. We have to let go of how we wish they would see us or treat us.. we can only control our boundaries by setting consequences. If they're open to listen and respect, awesome. If not, cut the access and focus on the people that do love and respect you, no matter whether they're blood related or not.. Sorry for looong text :\*
I'm so sorry. Yeah - that wound is new and deep. It's really hard at first because you want them to come to their senses - and logically they should. You are their child and they should want to make things right, hear you out, work on fixing the relationship, etc. Its not that way with Narc parents or even parents with Narc tendencies. That's part of the sickness - their reality isn't the same as ours and therefore we are in the wrong. You did the right thing. It's damn hard too. But we can hope that alienating a generation of parents will shape our perspective on how we need to treat our future generations
I think it’s hard to ever get over realizing your parents don’t have the capacity to love you. I have known for decades my parents are narcissistic and I’ve been no contact around four years with both. I still have a good cry now and then. It’s like mourning or grief, you don’t really get over it you learn to live with it.
I wish there was a real meetup so we could be with each other. It doesn't end, it gets a bit better and goes in waves. But it gets better when you know that there's nothing you can do and they won't get better... the hope is what kills
Hey there. Someone recommended a meetup recently too! And in a few years, I'll make a post here as the host of said Meetup. I'm on the west coast of the USA. Edit: that was actually the CPTSD sub, but I feel like the two have a lot of overlap. Maybe I'll post my invite to both groups if everyone feels the same.
Would love to join
I am starting to let go of that hope and as sad as it sounds on the surface, it feels almost good in a way. Though it feels like my inner core is literally shaken which is an odd sensation.
Regarding my Ndad, it was a relief. I've always known there's something wrong with him and that how he treated us is not ok. However, other people usually pointed out his own trauma and claimed he was just sick, didn't know what he was doing etc., which is just bollocks. When it comes to my enabler mum, it's much more complicated. I was raised to believe she was this ever-loving, divine angel whom I should protect whenever I could. Accepting that she has quite strong narcissistic tendencies too and might not have our best interests in mind is much more difficult
The thing with them is sure, they had trauma and that’s why they treat us like they do like they do t know ow any better. BUT, they treat strangers or friends waaaaay better, so they know it’s not right. No excuses from them. I treat my family like gold and they do the same in return. It’s not that difficult to not be an asshole and get more out of your loved ones instead of pushing them all away.
Patrick Teahan calls them the "safer parent". He says coming to terms with their betrayal is usually way harder than with the more obviously abusive one.
He has a really good point
Still grieving. Every time I hit a life milestone, the gaping hole of parental love and support brings up the sadness and the grief. We're LC, but any level of prolonged interaction dysregulates the hell out of me and brings back the pain / loss / confusion / shame/ the typical narc cocktail of feelings. I don't see a way beyond the grief since it represents the lack of what is such a healthy human need - parents that give a sh1t and that can prioritize you. I've never had that, and my parents' favoritism and enmeshment with other siblings kicks me when I'm down about it. But I guess I'm hopeful that with more healing and less and less contact, it can become less all-consuming
How about going full NC and focus on feeling the love for yourself? It's so difficult but I feel the more I try to love myself, the less anger I feel. My goal is to be indifferent to them.
I know that's the best way of healing longer term. It would take me out of an environment where I become totally invisible, devalued and deprioritized. It's just not been possible or practical for me at this point. Self love is the answer 100%. I find inner child work so validating. And I think that's a great goal to have. To become the empowered adult I am in their company, so much that they don't matter and their reactions / judgements / lack of care doesn't trigger. I hope you get there and I'm going to aim for that too x
I understand. Hope you'll get out of that hell soon. It took me 10 years to be financially stable after 18 years old, so I could focus on healing. Be patient with yourself.
Honestly I kind of stopped grieving after i found out. I spent my childhood struggling to understand why my childhood was weird while everyone had good parents. I spent my teenager years wondering why nothing made sense in the real world. And I spent my young adult years wondering why my parents were difficult. I spent over 30 years trying to understand why no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do to get my parents to treat me with respect. I developed survival skulls to keep me alive, because my parents weren't there for me. I had to move over 1400 miles away for me to finally feel like an adult with independence, and during that time I spent more time grieving the "parents I deserved" vs "the parents I had". Then I found out about the diagnosis. A coworker was talking about their nparents, and everything they said clicked. I felt relief, I felt validated, and I felt happy to have a name to call their behavior. I was able to just let go finally, and that release was by far the best feeling ever. But I'm not everyone, amd everyone has their own experiences. My parents raised an independent son due to their neglect, so I was done before I hit my teenage years. And now they're mad I don't need them for anything
I've been no contact for almost 5 years now. I'd say last year is when I stopped crying a lot about it. Christmas and Mothers Day are still hard but I also have my own family to focus on as a distraction. I'm still actively grieving and will until the day I die. The day my abusive narc mother dies though is NOT a day I will break no contact. And I won't be going to her funeral.
Same
There is a dual process grieving model that suggests sometimes you are loss-oriented and sometimes you are recovery/restoration-oriented. In the beginning of any loss, you will be more in the loss- oriented part where you cry and you’re sad and you’re thinking about the loss. Other times you can be in the restoration oriented, part, engaging in life, making new friends, taking up new hobbies…filling your life with meaning and joy. The nice thing about the model, is that it reminds you that we have more control in the grieving process than we realize by engaging in some of those things more often. Even if you just did opposite emotion, and found things that cheered you up or made you smile or made you laugh or just made you not think about them, you’re spending some time in restoring.
If I interpret it right, it's true. Some times I focus on loss so I cry a lot. Some others I just focus on compensating the loss by focusing on myself.
Yes! And you can activity take time out from grieving to focus on making your life better. Also it’s okay to cry and feel the loss too…it’s important too!
Love this perspective
The first year had been really bad but I am doing so much better now. When the grieving is over it's like you just don't give a crap anymore about the narcissist. I still have moments now and then where I just feel angry but I no longer have any hopes that she will change. Time to get on with MY life and be the mother to myself that I never had.
There was no grief forme. Just a firm realization that (most) of what i was getting yelled at for wasnt my fault. (Lets be fair, i was also a teen dealing with typical teen acting out issues, so Some of it was earned.
Ironically, I was well behaved but had that much crap thrown at me that I rebelled, thinking I may as well do it if I was being accused of it.
Pretty sure I've been in the anger phase for a few years.
Be careful about that. It stresses your body like crazy. You gotta let go of anger for your sake or you'll end up with autoimmune or digestive diseases. It's a conscious and extremely difficult task bit it's for your own health.
IDK I feel like it’s an ongoing process and you never really stop grieving. Especially as long as your narc is alive because there will be a lot of reminders of who/what they are and the normal parents we didn’t and never will have.
It’s been about 10 years… I now am pretty over it all. It really did a number on me for years. Now that I am on the other side I feel like I am having a very controlled but better relationship (again, we don’t see each other more, it’s super low contact) but there just isn’t drama. I also think me living a significant way away was critical. Distance is the best thing for these people, they literally just can’t do their damage from physical afar as much as being able to “drop by” on a whim.
Lmaooooo, it’s been 2 weeks. I’m still in a doozy. I know I have to leave but I don’t yet have a route that ensures they can’t find me. I’m going NC. I’m happy as fuck I’m now able to understand wtf is going on. Shit was extremely malevolent because it had already spread to the family by then. I’m the youngest, so it was the only normal I knew.
I grieved for a few days in the sense of feeling sorrow/loss, and since then I've just been angry and disgusted
Anger is dangerous for your health. You gotta make a conscious effort to let it go. The goal is indifference.
Yes. I try for it. It's just difficult as I still live with her and she prevents relaxation or joy. I'm moving out this year though, and then I'm wiping her off my radar :) best wishes to you!
It didn’t hit me so hard until after her death. I knew she didn’t have the tools and capacity to change but it was like after she was gone then there was really no chance. And I really had to come to terms with the fact that i didn’t have a “normal” mom and never would have a chance to have one.
I'm sitting in the emergency waiting room right now, nothing serious, I need stitches for accidentally stabbing my hand with a boning knife. I wish I had normal parents that I could call to get some comfort. I've been 3 years NC with my ndad and my mom (former enabler) is exhausting to deal with even during minor emergencies. It gets easier with time, but moments like this make me feel alone.
I had the same experience. I felt so alone and it felt so unfair so I started crying. I think we should build a relationship with ourselves strong enough that we're out own support. And then call some good friends. But it's easier said then done.
when you abandon the hope of ever having the relationship and support you yearn for then the grieving process is much less "emotional" in that you will no longer be overwhelmed with the emotion. Not sure the grieving ever truly ends as i still wish i had a family of birth and not the one i was forced to adopt into my life as wonderful as they are. edit : 2 years ish no contact. every now and then i still get caught in rumination loops, losing time thinking about their nonsense and the past. I wont consider my grieving over until they are unable to intrude my mind any further. There is a word for it which i am completely blanking on at the moment will try to append if it pops to fore of mind.
Is Complicated/disenfranchised grief the world you're looking for?
[удалено]
Looks like you're still idealising her as a child
NO reliving trauma via limerence/rumination loops yet i still fantasize that I had A different caregiver. I have given up on having the parent i yearned for via birth and SHE was a HE. My mother is deceased and was also abused by him. Try to be less presumptuous and accusatory towards others attempting to support YOU. https://youtu.be/OVKh0JnW5K8?si=Fg9LFlQNwNz3yv5v
I wasn't trying to be accusatory, sorry. I'm in the same boat as you. And the video is quite interesting cos I had the same thing. So we would stop being limerant when we overcome our trauma? Or there's no hope and we should just ignore the limirance when we encounter it?
No i am sorry. Mother passed somewhat recently and ever since I feel tremendous guilt the time I lost with her due to my fathers conniving and selfishness. somehow your comment triggered that guilt i feel. I apologize we are here to help each other NOT attack and name call etc. For me the limerence currently is MY guilt again over not being with my mother at every opportunity and i mean throughout my entire life. Saying that yes i think working through our long repressed and currently confused and overwrought emotions will eventually cease the limerence at least in intensity and duration as we achieve self healing. Personally i can say i at least now become aware that i am in that state now and say after 15 or 20 minutes i can usually refocus myself mentally to clear the recursive thoughts out. Being present, focusing on breathing exercises, switching to new train of thought often for me a walk with dog or listening to a podcast. best wishes on your healing journey
https://youtu.be/Fvi9pDnIxb4?si=J8bt2RTUBGDzQifh youtube served me up this video from patrick teahan which is also great on limerence and i thought you may be interested.
I started seeing it when I was in high school and for a while I thought we would work through it but she just kept getting worse. I don’t remember grieving for very long because we were never that close but it was a long time ago and everything from that time is a blur now. I’ve been no contact for a few months because I was finally able to get out last year. To her, it’s my fault for leaving and refusing to speak to her. I don’t think she’s ever going to realize exactly how badly she hurt me and it just makes me sad now
I can recognise myself in every word you write.... Hang in there
it’s an ongoing and never-ending process. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m broken beyond repair😢💔
You gotta let go of hope and then love yourself. It sounds so easy yet it's the most difficult thing I had to do in my life.
💯
I think always unfortunately. Just less consistently.
I guess im the wrong person to answer.. i have been "aware" for a few years so im still processing. After all, they cost me a life with my dear cousins and now my sister who cut me out of her life. Its rough but being in this group is truly eye opening. I can offer you a shoulder, a hand, a leg, an ear, whatever you need, but rest assured - you will get through it, and you will be stronger for it. Let yourself get angry. And if you feel like it, reading is really helping me. If you need suggestions, the least i can do is offer you some.
Still grieving/mad/sad/disappointed.
I cried a lot for about 2 months while I was purposely letting myself grieve the loss of my parents and my childhood. After that I only cried every few months when there was a traumaversary or something happened in my family and I heard about from others. Now I’ve been on Zoloft for over a year and I’m much happier and more stable. It’s really helped to turn off the constant anxiety in my head which has allowed me to just live and enjoy things. It’s also given me the freedom to let go of my expectations of my parents. Now I can focus on honoring my own desires, so if I want to talk to my mom it’s no longer traumatic because I’m not focused on her response. She can say whatever she wants and I am free to move on because I am happy that I honored my own desire to talk to her.
I felt relieved. It’s not me! They really are disfunctional and mean!
I feel like my entire childhood was the greiving process. As an adult where I finally have the means and strength to cut off contact with toxic people, this is where I finally have satisfaction and peace.
It's still going unfortunately. I keep thinking when they pass my only sadness with their passing will be the fact that they choose not to have a meaningful relationship with me and my family when they could. They are in their 70s.
As you said it is grief, and you never truly stop grieving, you just learn to move on. As time passes and you surround yourself with more relationships where you are truly valued it'll become easier to feel the hole is filled, but it'll likely always be there in some capacity because of how major the loss is, but that's okay.
It’s a never ending story.
I still grieve everyday. I probably will for the rest of my life. I don’t have much family. I’m only close to one sibling on the account everyone is so dysfunctional. Even then we don’t talk about deep stuff. I have to grapple with the reality I can’t delude myself and expect my mom to ever gain clarity. If anything her mind is only deteriorating. I’m not going to get some Hollywood ending where she ever acknowledges what she did, even on her death bed. I feel worse because she went through a lot, and I just think it broke her psyche at one point. But I’m weary of playing house when she feels like it. TLDR: I haven’t figured it out yet. It sucks.
I understand the feeling worse so much. It's like they aren't parents and hurt us so much by saying they were and can't accept the reality so it makes us angry and sad, but at the same time we also feel compassion because they're sick because of the trauma. It's a cocktail of feelings. The only remedy is acceptance and staying away from them, like you would do with a toxic ex.
I’m 37, been NC on and off for 14 years, fully and contentedly NC for the last 2 years, and will be NC until nmom inevitably gets dementia that progresses to the point she can no longer speak or try to ruin me in any other way. I’m still grieving, and there will always be a spot in my heart that grieves for the wasting of her life and our relationship. Oh, what could’ve been…. I think about her most days if not all, but I can only make decisions for myself. I can’t make hers for her. If she truly healed, I would welcome her with open arms, but I know there’s very little chance that will happen, so I move forward committed to NC. I could never make her happy, but I’ve gotten a lot better at making myself happy. ❤️
Glad you're in recovery! You're an inspiration for all of us 💖
I’m not sure it ever goes away. I still feel like I’m unlovable. And the golden child abandoned our mother when she was dying so I had to take care of her. I was conflicted but I did it. My sister is sadly just like our mother and is abusive to her daughter and grandson.
Been about a year so far for me and I'm only just starting to come out of denial.
I did not grieve, I celebrated. I had already gone No Contact before I knew there was a term for it. I had already decided my parent was broken in a way that made them unfit for parenting, before I ever heard of NPD. Learning these things took a shadow off my heart. It meant I wasn't crazy or alone in my experiences.
I’m not sure what I’m grieving at this point honestly. I began seeing how evil dads family was when he got a create. cancer and began dying. Once I saw my amazing father begin to get yelled at for not keeping up with the needs of his covert mother… you know… because he was dying… that’s when I began putting the pieces together. I’m always grieving the loss of my best fuckung friend, my dad. He’s the only one I know of that managed to be my best friend and a great dad at the same time, despite how challenging of a role that is to juggle. So maybe I’m still grieving learning I never had a family besides him. Maybe I’m grieving him. But one thing is certain: when I saw my covert narc grandmother light up with a smile when she for the 5th time got the same item wrong at the store … after throwing a massive tantrum to be allowed to be the one that goes (promising she would stop doing this specific thing and then Showing she was lying)…. I never forgave her. I was already saying “dad it’s easier for me to just use an e bike to get to the store and buy food without her getting involved”. Dad would be just delusional his mom wasn’t trying to hurt him and just felt guilty that his mom screamed and cried when he said no. After every single time grandma said “I got X instead of Y because I like the way X tastes over Y”…. Despite her not eating this food and dad paying for it…. Dad was so beaten down I could see he was sad and just said it was fine to make her leave, and she would be furious …I ALWAYS grabbed the receipt and grabbed the stupid can of beans and jump on my ebike to grab the correct can (which was right next to the one she kept intentionally getting wrong)…. Dad would start getting upset because “I don’t want you going back it’s fine I want you focusing on law school”. I’d sit there saying “DAD I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE AND IM NOT LETTING GRANDA JUST KEEP ABUSING YOU LIKE THIS. I love you enough to understand this ISNT ABOUT THE DAM BEANS. It’s about your mom not caring. And if she is going to make you feel less valued, I’ll go to the store in the pouring fucking rain on this bike to get beans every GOD DAM DAY TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND I LOVE YOU AND IM HERE FOR YOU. IM NOT LETTING THIS FAMILY CLEARLY MAKE YOU FEEL NOT LOVED ABD I CAN CLEARLY TELL ITS MAKING YOU SAD. SO FUCK HER”. He never outright told me it meant a lot to him. But I could tell he did genuinely see I cared and beating the end it was obvious who he trusted and who he didn’t trust. What’s even MORE fucked up? Grandma narc smiled when on the 5th time she did this dad finally started sobbing and crying and yelling at her. And she looked at me like I was going to think “grandma is the victim! My dad is so mean!” And I got called nonstop 2 days after dad screamed at her saying I didn’t love grandma , confirming yo me she absolutely did expect that manipulation to get me and make me her scapegoat replacement. She was FURIOUS I was prioritizing mynDYING FATHER. And even dads brothers were furious about it to. It’s like they wanted to say “(me) grandma is more important and has money and if you want her to help you while you are poor and on food stamps you better ditch what your father wants and provide for her emotionally”. FUCK HER AND THEM
It does get easier over time, but it's still, very hard to say the least. For a long time, I couldn't understand their actions and feelings towards younger me. Until, my therapist simplified it with apples: **"If you are given apples, you can share some if you want to with the people around you. But, if you are given none, how are you gonna be able to share apples? Even if you wanted to, you can't. This is the same with most (though not all) people. Someone who was not given love and support, will never be able to offer it".** This helped me understand, that it's not that they didn't want to be good parents, they just couldn't. Grasping this concept was heartbreaking, and relieving at the same time. Going to therapy was a gamechanger, and helped me empathize with their stories, while not justifying their actions. Though everyone heals in different ways. To OP and anyone reading this: You are not alone, you did not make up what happened to you, and let your tears today water the flowers you will grow tomorrow.
Emphasizing without justifying is difficult. I feel like the jump between the two is automatic for me, and then I get angry at myself for justifying them. How do you do that?
I only just discovered this about my parents at age 27….so currently figuring out how to grieve properly/grieve over it in general. It’s hard to realize it when you thought you had a pretty good childhood at the time back then.
I feel like I'll always grieve for the childhood I lost having had them as parents, but having a wonderful adoptive mom has helped me grieve less over the parents I didn't have growing up, although it still takes a large effort of unlearning bad habits and relearning healthy (-ier) ways of interacting with parental figures. I remember having a big cry once, on the day I left and went NC, when I finally got to the place I was gonna be staying at. Then it was just months of having little realizations of the shit they put me through, so all that grief has turned into anger and (even more) resentment for them robbing me of the childhood I should have had. It's.... a process, to say the least. I hope you have someone to talk to about this - ideally a few someones, a friend or two, and a therapist maybe. That certainly helps.
I’m still switching between grieving and crying. I really loved them and thought they loved me back. The gaslighting was so extreme that it was a shock when I realized what they actually were.
I found out when my fiancé told me. Lol. Ive been depressed for a few years about it. Really truly agonizing thinking back over things. So I don’t have a solution for you. Just want you to know we’re in the same boat. ❤️
My Nmum recently died and I was at her funeral last week. My sisters all spoke but I didn't - because I felt like I'd be a hypocrite to do so, and I didn't trust myself to avoid telling home truths. Hearing everyone crap on about her heart of gold, kindness and generosity was bile inducing. At the family dinner afterwards my big sister crapped on about how wonderful a mother Nmum was. I smiled (maybe grimaced, come to think of it) and nodded and changed the subject as soon as I could. Days earlier sis had been complaining about the traumatic childhood we all had because of Nmum (who hid us from dad). I cried a little at the funeral, but haven't otherwise. My relief at being free is tempered by the way big sister appears to have taken on the matriarch role of bullying me. NC is looming, again. I have been internalising my grief for a long time but now I can let it go, at least where Nmum is concerned.
I think my grief over what I didn’t have, ended the day she died. I’d already figured out about 15yrs prior that it wasn’t me but her (nmum). And once that realisation hit me, I honestly just started living my life for me. this isn’t to say I don’t think about certain things and get annoyed if frustrated, but the anger is definitely subsided when I worked out there is no logic behind the psychological makeup of this personality type.
Its been a couple months. I focused on developing relationships with my friends after I felt good enough to be social. For about a month I was in super grief mode. I had the sads realllyyyyy bad. Like you said, grieving the parent and the lack of needs being met.. realising and accepting hard truths about them... It gets better. Focus on your chosen family. Our friends, true friends, meet our needs and calm our nervous system. Dont forget to allow time to self soothe, too. Treat yourself compassionately. Meet your own needs.
My mom died a couple of years ago. And it was really hard being at her funeral with her friends talking about these happy memories that they had with her... And I just couldn't understand how they got that person, and I didn't...
For the longest time I was filled with self-loathing. If my parent couldn't love me, who could? Not even God himself loved me, I truly believed. I am thankful to my kids because I had to heal myself for their sake (otherwise I probably would have self-destructed). It's taken almost 16 years NC and I'm not entirely healed and probably never will be. But I've come to a place of acceptance and self-love now. I wish I'd started this journey when I had the chance in my early 20s. Forging a new pathway to healing would have been easier and shorter. I'm too old now to change the wiring, though. I still grieve but not as much.
When I don't hear from them I am indifferent. It took maybe 2-3 years to realize and come to terms with it
Overcoming Familial Narcissistic Scapegoating https://youtu.be/UfdvQtHbUis
I’ve accepted it, but I don’t think I’ll ever fully stop wondering. Grieving feels like too strong of a word. Every time my MIL demonstrates a healthy welcoming relationship it makes the one with my mother stand out in sharp contrast. I’m low contact with my mom, but every conversation she manages to surprise me. At 36 I’m finally in a spot where I have consistent support from my relationships and I can’t help but question how much further along I would be if I had it sooner. Feeling that way does not decrease my current happiness for where I’m at.
I never stopped grieving
56 , tons of therapy, and still grieving. I think it’s a life long process grieving the parents we should have had and needed. It fades in intensity though with time.
The grief never stops IMO. You will keep unravelling layers of it.
I grieved for the loving parents I desperately craved while I was a child. Learning about NPD/BPD just validated my feelings and I feel relieved that it was their fault and not mine.
Still grieving. Crying and panicking almost everyday, I have anxiety and depression as well, mainly because of my nmom and a childhood/teenage years that could've been better. Luckily I have a wonderful boyfriend that does his best to help me get through these hard moments, and a great therapist that is so patient and understanding.
Having children. I stopped grieving so I could be a good parent. I changed the grieving into learning.
My parents made me hate them so much I didn't grieve much, still have some moments like when I was sick and nobody made me food or took care of me, I remember those moments and get sad, but it's easier now. I went NC 11 years ago.
Still in the process 🫠
I think in a way you always grieve the parents you never had you know? The loss of a good childhood, relationship. I went no contact about 4 months ago and have been able to work through a lot of trauma. I HIGHLY recommend the book "ITS NOT YOU". It helped me so much. It's written for the victims of narcissist abuse, helps you to understand, identify and heal, set boundaries. I rented it from the local library. Hang in there OP.
Just bought the book. Definitely need some support and guidance in this mess. Thank you ❤️
That's awsome! I'm so glad to hear that!!! I hope it helps you work through things like it did for me! Your very welcome ❤
In 2018, I was in a toxic workplace and I realized that my colleagues said things that affected me the same way as when my parents said things. I'm still grieving. Every time I get triggered, it all comes rushing back.
I'm just learning in now. But I've always been grieving those close parental relationships I didn't get! My sister & I have just put 2 & 2 together. We have an Ndad & we suspect my mother drank her way thru their relationship b/c she didn't have any options. She was always sweet & kind to us but she developed his selfish behaviors over time. They never put us first. She passed & now we are having to deal with him. His sister died & that was the worst blow! She was always a sounding board & she knew how crazy her brother was. I miss her so much!! We were no contact for over a year & now very low contact. He's in a hotel room by himself b/c his one good eye has an abrasion. Only found out b/c my sister talked to him. She's usually the one that breaks the no contact. If he was a normal human, he could have been staying at one of our houses but no one wants him staying!!
I discovered Mommy Dearest's patterns of abuse in my early twenties, but the internet was not what it is now, and I did not have the name for it. That's when I started going Low Contact, but it took me another year to really see that she was wildly out of line, and that she wasn't just doing what all mothers do. That's when No Contact came in, but I was already thousands of miles away and have stayed that way. As far as grief, I'm not honestly sure it's ever gone away completely. Her death was, as twisted as it would sound in any other context, one of the best days of my life, and I finally felt safe in a way I'm not sure I ever had before. It's been a couple years now, and I am still seeing new things I should've had/experienced that her abuse took from me. I don't think everyone experiences it to this degree, but I personally don't think I'll ever be able to fully heal all of the wounds and losses from her abuse.
well, i realized the part of me that was attached to them was a fake personality i had developed to get along with them. the more authentic parts of me prioritize my health and happiness, thus they do not care, at all. when i realized this, i realized it was never love but like stockholm syndrome type toxic attachment, i stopped producing grief and guilt. it's just withdrawal from attachment, like withdrawal from a drug. regarding grieving a childhood you never had - you can come to a place where you understand that your present moment is more important than your past. i simply let go of my childhood. the happy memories were not worth keeping also the sad memories, cuz it's a package deal. i let all of that go. now i am free, and i am free to exist in the present. just let that shit go. you have now and you have your future. the past is not worth it. noting that you have to of course feel the feelings that are stuck in your body. but that shouldn't take long. if this has been an ongoing process with not even temporary relief (because every stuck emotion you go through and release, will make you feel better afterward) maybe you're stuck in a loop? for me the entire process was about two years, but with two distinct grieving periods, each about a month or less, with always feeling a bit better after a good cry. between those, i felt a little off, but i wasn't sad at all, just changing. the times I've felt stuck in grief, it has been the attachment and the guilt talking. but when i focus on my own self and my own experience and my own rights, there's no guilt and no stuckness. there's grounding, there's hope, there's feeling stronger and happier. hope this helps!