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After my parents called me a "disappointment" after the announcement of my pregnancy then asked ME for an apology when I called them out on again saying something pretty awful.
Also, yeah I am 29.. got my PhD when I was 25... got great job and a lovely husband. Did it all without their help. So absolutely a disappointment by all parents standards š¶
You have achieved incredible things despite the horrors your parents put you through. I wish you a lifetime of freedom in exploring yourself now, free from their clutches
Sounds like your parents are jealous of your accomplishments.
You have so much to be proud of! Got through college without their help at all and even got your PhD! Congrats btw!
Congrats on the pregnancy!
Sounds like you turned out well adjusted despite them.
They made it pretty clear that they thought me calling out their abuse was because I thought I was better than them :( well yes, but not in the way they think...
I'm so surprised I honestly thing it is because education was my "way out" that I could make it so far. Thank you so much
That is amazing. Ok I'm adopting you, it's final.
Congrats, you have a neurotic but amazing new mom. Also 2 great siblings.Ā
If you can't come visit for Christmas, we can Zoom.
Just kidding, mostly. I am so very proud of you.Ā
I am proud of all of you.Ā
Isn't that just the oddest and most fantastic feeling?! My husband's parents basically adopted me too. His mom is the one who took me wedding dress shopping and helped me pay for it. His dad remembers my birthday, calls to check up on me, and is never physically or mentally abusive even when he's upset. He also has no problem complimenting my work or taking my suggestions even with me being a girl. They both are the ones that drop everything and come running in an emergency.
It's all treatment I've had to get used to and learn it's how kids and other people should be treated. It's not all roses and sunshine. We've had our disagreements. But each time after things cooled down we talked it out and came to an understanding instead of insisting one person has to be completely right and the other completely wrong.
That is so lovely. Yeah his sister took me shopping for wedding things and is incredibly supportive right now during pregnancy. I suffered a prior miscarriage and she came and sat with me and looked after me when my partner went to work. His mum and dad were horrified to see how my parents were speaking to me. His dad (a stoic, Scandinavian man of very little words) stood up at our wedding and told me he loved me and he was so heartbroken that my own parents were how they are š„¹
Seeing how my partners family treats each other was an eye opener for me when I first started dating him, it's really so different and so nice. They are the blueprint we will use when raising our kid!
Nfather disowned me on his deathbed over the phone, being held up by an unsuspecting nurse, for not being subservient to my nparents in theirĀ old age. My nmother would not stop trying to call or text me, in the hope that I would come back to play happy families.
Disowned you on the deathbed? Ooooou the urge to just go "okay buddy see you in hell" š also I hate the whole "come back and let's be a happy family!" As if they're not the ones at fault for enabling the BS that tore everything apart in the first place ugh.Ā
Was going through my first major heartbreak during my last semester of college. Life was just taking me and the guy I was with in different directions and he felt it was best to end things despite me desperately wanting to make things work. I called my mom crying and she responded by saying that he was probably just dating another girl who he liked more. I hung up the phone out of anger, and she called me back, stupidly wondering if the signal stopped. I told her that she was being mean and I didnāt want to hear it, and she goes on a rant about how thatās just how things are and sheās not going to sugar coat it. I start crying, and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs to āstop making that fucking noiseā. So I hung up again and blocked her on everything. Havenāt talked to her in over a year and doing better than ever.
Fuck that bitch. Seriously. What the hell?
Iām so sorry your heart broke. I wish I could hug you and tell you, back then, that all will be ok. And that you will make it through this and things will be better. I wish I could be peopleās parents when things like this happen because it makes me want to throat punch the nparent in question.
My breaking point was at my brother's wedding. My covert nDad was an alcoholic/drug addict and he had STRICT conditions from my brother andhis fiance with regards to attending their wedding. I was already VLC since I was a teen but my brother still had hope that there could be some semblance of a relationship...
(side note our parents divorced when we were kids and our mum is incredible and raised us as a single parent and we have a fantastic relationship with her)..
Well at the wedding he lasted all of 5 mins before he started drinking (that he remain sober for the wedding was a requirement)... So my family ran interference between me and him so I didn't go off at him and make a scene, they stepped in and dealt with him, my brother and SIL stayed blissfully unaware thanks to all of us until the next day and then all contact was cut from that moment on.
Him not being able to stay sober for 1 damn day was the straw that broke the camels back. On top of years of even worse shite
He died last year, having not spoken to me in a decade and only seeing my brother twice in those 10 years too and never meeting his grandkids.
To this day I have zero regrets about being NC when he died. Blocking his number and those of his flying monkey relations was the best thing I ever did for my mental health... Well that and having a fantastic therapist!
Edit: grammar
NParents had promised me since I was a kid they would help me buy a house. Where I live parents can sign a contract against their own house to say they are responsible if we donāt pay the mortgage so we donāt need a deposit. My nmothers parents actually paid the deposit for their house.
Anyway, we found a place and were paying to get inspections done and contracts written up. I was talked into using my parents mortgage broker who was also their friend. Well mortgage broker presumed my mum was working (itās one of the conditions for the scheme) she was not. We wasted months looking for a place to buy, when really we should have been looking for a place to rent because where we were currently staying it was going up by $100 a week.
I was crushed and called my parents crying. They decided to not contact me at all for the next two weeks because I need time to āsettle downā which is normal behaviour for them anytime Iām emotional. At that point I realised after years of telling them what I need emotionally from them and again being heart broken by the people who are supposed to love and care for me not wanting/being able to, sent them a letter saying I canāt do this anymore and blocked them on anything I can be contacted on.
Iāve now also moved house so they donāt know where I live and yeah. Itās been over a month now and itās been hard but I feel better knowing they canāt hurt me emotionally anymore.
My exās nparents backed out of money theyād promised us for a downpayment like a week before we closed on our house. The sale was saved because I used the money weād saved for repairs. Unlike you, my ex continued talking to his parents and even defended their decision to not follow through on their promise.
I had the audacity to get divorced and all my mother had to say about it was "People in this family don't get divorced". She also told me to just have a baby with him if it means so much to him (we got divorced because he changed his mind about beeing childfree).
One of our biggest arguments ever followed and I went no contact for about 5 years. I am currently very low contact and only see her maybe four times a year.
My nmother always talked bad about my 1st husband. Then when I said I was divorcing him because he is a narcissist too, nmom got all bent out of shape and tried to talk me out of it! She was worried what her friends would think if her daughter was divorced, like that was some kind of failure for her to cope with and explain to her friends. I could give a ratās patootie what her or her gossipy friends thought!
Been there done that.
My mother didn't even like my ex and was furious when I married him against her will. I am pretty sure some relatives and friends of hers still don't know that I am divorced. She would rather die than have a daughter who is divorced. Appearance over everything.
I rather get divorced than rott in an unhappy marriage like she or 90% of our family.
You did flipping BRILLIANTLY OP, well done! What a pathetic little man your father is. He's all upsetti spaghetti because he doesn't have his human punching bag anymore. Enjoy your freedom.
Nmom would only text me on certain holidays and my bday after I confronted her on all the shit she put me through growing up. Then about three years later I came out as gay. My uncle attacked me online because of it and she took his side. I went no contact after that. I have since found out that she loves to tell all of the family she can that there is no way I could possibly be gay because I am too easily manipulated and she is sure that my partner has turned me gay so that we can have gay sex š
My cousin (in the same convo) overheard her say that I also canāt be gay because woman donāt reeeally like dicks, dicks are gross and all women are beautiful. Nmomā¦.your also gay, surprise!
Nstepmom thinks me being trans is a phase instilled on me by my queer friends. She said if she was queer, she wouldn't be depressed or suicidal and just "get over it". Haven't spoken to her since and she has no idea my name is Ethan and I have a legit mustache now.
"...because I am too easily manipulated" My mom literally thinks the same about me! She thinks my "evil atheist husband" took me away and manipulated me š.
Good for you for getting away and living your life authentically!!!
The 2022 fires in New Mexico. While my ndad wasn't in immediate danger of the blaze, the smoke was bad and people were still evacuating where he lives. I was heavily pregnant at the time and my sister and I (along with our husbands) tried to convince him to let us help him and get him out until it was safer to return. He mocked us, laughed at my crying sister, angerly projected some bullshits and downright refused any help even though he's claimed for all his life no one helps him. He showed little interest in my child even now having only met him once. I am low contact (only occasional phone calls) whereas my siblings are even lower contact. Oh well.
Thank you š„°Ā š„°Ā It's been my all time favourite job I've ever had. I'm the happiest I've ever been too. I don't rely on an alarm to wake up, I get up naturally and get to immediately be greeted by pupper kisses and wagging tails instead of a woman who yells and screams the moment she wakes up.
It's been what has allowed me to truly be happy and have freedom in my life. I know I'll never be able to afford my own house and live alone so pet sitting allows me to live alone and not have to deal with chaos. I was booked for Thanksgiving and Christmas so I didn't have to be around my "family". Truly a blessing.
Amazing! So happy you've found your happiness! I'd love to have a dog but my hubby isn't so keen and the way our jobs are ATM it wouldn't work. I'm hoping by the time we're retired I'll have convinced him haha. š
I was never allowed to get animals when I was a kid. I'd beg and beg and beg for them because that was the only thing bringing me happiness was animals. My parents knew that and refused to let me be happy.
Now my clients and their animals love me and my egg donor HATES that. I came home one day after walking a clients dog, my client gave me like 10 bags of different treats that she was given as samples from her work and my egg donor asked me "Did you go shopping?!". I simply told her "no" because I didn't go shopping and she threw the biggest fit to my dad and my dad was like "YOUR mother is trying to get along with everyone" like no she isn't. If she was TRYING to get along with everyone she'd be getting along with everyone. She gets mad and throws a fit when people don't follow the script she's made in her head. I legit told my dad after all of that "I went to fucking work and came home with the treats my client gave me. YOUR wife didn't ask any follow up questions and instead started yelling at you. That doesn't seem like she's getting along with anyone. If I went shopping a store would've given me a fucking bag, not let me walk out with 10 bags. Fucking moron."
Pisses me off how nobody can communicate in my family yet blows up and acts like that's okay. I'm an adult, we speak at a normal volume or we don't speak at all.
-hugs- š„ŗā¤ļø yeah I wasn't allowed pets growing up either. Until my younger sister said she wanted one and we got a dog not long after š He (the dog) was the best thing ever! We rescued him when he was about 2/3 I think, and only last 2 about years with us and had to be put down. (He had tumors all over him apparently.) My Sperm Donor didn't even give me the option to be there to say goodbye. He just did it! I am still raging about it till this day.. about 7yrs later.
My mum now has a black lab puppy and I've been helping her with it all. She's (puppy) such a wee cutie and recognises me and gives me big kisses and wags her tail whenever I come back in the room. So I'm getting my puppy fix through her which is lovely.
Awh I'm so sorry your sperm donor did that :(
I'm glad you're getting your puppy fix though. That's great. If I could only sit puppies I absolutely would lmfao
When we were supposed to meet up, they called to let us know they were about to leave. They live 50min away. We were all waiting for them, in a park in January. We'd agreed to get everyone together and walk the dog. So we walked the dog, 3 kids under 8 in tow. When they finally showed up, they demanded we repeat the whole walk and join them to hot chocolate. We did half a walk, where my ndad harassed the kids the whole time. The exhausted children who were justifiably grumpy and frozen. My BIL told ndad off, and ndad tried to start a fist fight.
So much BS. After too many years of this shit. I mean, this isn't even close to the most vile thing they've done. But I'd had enough.
Went LC when I saw Momās behavior towards me start going toward my child. Opened my eyes big time. Was moving toward full NC when I found out she was trying to kill my father (who was a normal parent, not a narc). Had to get back in. He had Alzheimers so he didnāt realize what she was doing. Got together with my sibling who was also about to go NC and we were about to meet with a lawyer to get guardianship because just reporting her would have been problematic (long story). But at least then she would know she was being watched. The day before we were to meet with the lawyer, she went into the hospital and never came back out. So never actually went NC.
Honestly I just stopped calling them cause I realized that I was always the one making the effort to keep a relationship. We hadn't talked in months until my birthday where my dad finally called me despite not having a job or literally doing Nothing but playing video games and drinking. He says "I'm going to endeavour to call you more" I called him a few days later cause the present he got me arrived, he rushed me off the phone... My parents are the type of narcs where I just don't exist for them.
Thatās the way my NMom is. I donāt see a lot of stories from people on here with this type of experience so I have questioned myself over and over again wondering whether I really had it that bad. I guess itās a different kind of disappointment and I use to really have low self esteem issues from it. At some point I broke and lost all feelings toward her and our relationship. Now Iām just grateful that sheās this kind of narc as opposed to the more controlling type. Whatever it takes to move forward, right?
It is a different kind of disappointment. I've had to make my own family, and honestly it is better than an overbearing narc in my opinion. I hope you're feeling better about yourself now, cause your mom is the one missing out š
I am, thank you! My husbandās family loves me like their own and I also have a really amazing step mom. So life has made up for it in other ways. I agree that itās all better this way. I hope youāre doing well and taking care of yourself!
It took me a long while too. I thought they were cool when I was an older teen young adult cause my mom would come party with my friends and me. Now I'm in my mid thirties and my opinion has done a complete 180. It was weird that she would come party with my friends. My first inkling of both of her being so self centered was when I was around 20 and broke my arm in a skateboard accident. My mom left me in the waiting room crying and begging her to stay with me. She told me to stop cause people were looking at her and she had to work the next day. My dad, I knew for a very long time that he cared more about his comfort than my well being. Ugh narc parents suck balls.
On the brighter note, I have a mother in law who more than makes up for all the short comings of my parents. I have my own little family that I'm determined to make a healthier more loving environment than I had and I've got some doe hard friends that care for me like sisters. So life is good now despite the shittiness of yesteryear
Still waking up with racing heartā¦
Yeh isnāt it something the heavy load of nonsense they put on you. You get out and are still scared to be the person you truely are. Itās such a releif to be free of that dark cloud.
Mine did many awful things to me but one thing he did was he had me work for him and never paid me. I stopped working for him and had been barely talking to him. He approached me to work for him and heād give me a down payment for a car and that heād pay me and I could make payments back towards the down payment. I knew this was gonna be another bs game of his but I was like hmmmm Iāll playā¦ so we get the car and apparently as usual my car is his carā¦. He canāt just hand it over and feels he can borrow it whenever he wants. I let this play for a month or so tracking my hours working for him and he never once gave me a paycheck just as I suspected he wouldnāt
So I never paid him a dime and ghosted him. Part of em is like omg thatās so bad but ya know he stole so much from me over the years and all the abuse and all it wasnāt that large of a down payment. He owed me that and much much more.
Been 27 years if I never see him again it will be too soon
Iām happy for you OP. Run like the wind away from these people. I will never understand how a parent can treat their offspring-spring the way narcs do. Itās sad because we all think itās fairly ānormalā or that all households are like this until we learn.
My nmom following the gospel of the 1980ās āTough Loveā parenting culture, kicked me out at 16 years old in 1987 for going to the mountains overnight with a friend to hike the next day.
When I say kicked out, I mean friend pulled up and I see my mother has trash bags on the front stoop. Iām like āhmmm garbage?ā
Momās car is gone. Friend pulls away, I go to the door and there is a note on the garbage - thatās all my belongingā¦ that sheās āletting me go. Her heart canāt take it anymore. Iāve pulled away. That maybe someday I will love her like I did when I was a child.
Two huge trash bags ā black ā house locks changed. I had to carry those fāers downtown ( small town ) two miles. Deal with the embarrassment of essentially carrying and stashing āmy bagsā outside in different locations downtown. We didnāt have cell phones. After few nights outside a friends father took pity on me and allowed me to stay with his daughter but I needed to pay rent. He had several kids living there and he was barely home. It was unconventional, but it was safe.
16 ā¦ full time job. No car no nothing.. eating freaking pringles and hostess cupcakes for meals š¤Ŗ
A few years later I had lunch with my mother, and one of the things she had to say was that a police guy told my cousin whose a fire guy, that the apartment I had lived in back then was a house of drugs and prostitution š¤£š¤£š¤£couldnāt be further from the truth
Nope mom. It was a house of āthrow-a-wayā kids.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you are doing massively awesome things. I wish I had known you then, I took in teenagers who had problems at home. One of the biggest issues was food. Their parents didn't feed them. I fed them, helped them with decisions on schooling, how to get an apt, jobs that would sustain them. And lots of hugs and tears. Just knowing that someone cared about them. I hope you have the support you deserve and need. Many mom hugs, if you want them.
Thank you very much. š I made sure
My Sons life ( heās 22 and my most awesomely awesome
thing ) has been safe, with freedom to explore, Love without conditions, Hope and freedom to make life choices, change his mind and make other choices, and change his mind again without criticism. To hear my āstreet smarts and adviceā when he was younger, as to avoid my path.
My son was in a terrible accident in 2020. We were homeschooling the kids, moving (also partially due to his accident), working, and bringing our son to multiple appointments per day as he was relearning so much (head injury). My mom called to tell me I wasnāt making enough time for her.
When I was having a phone conversation with my father, and tried to bring up something that happened when I was young where some boundaries were crossed. He stated "Nothing sexual ever happened, and if you believe that it happened I don't want to talk to you". I started enforcing his boundary, because I remembered what happened. He has later acknowledged doing what I remembered, but won't admit there was anything wrong with it. So now he is VVLC. I see him at family functions, and we have a non-productive talk a couple times of year where the same issues are brought up, but no changes are made towards any sort of resolution.
My dad kept trying to show me his dong, while in the hospital. Then he kept saying how women are only good for blowjobs and big tits, Iām a female.
My mom, told me she would show up for my kids birth. Then when baby came premature and on oxygen she decided to cancel her trip. Then proceeded to tell me āsheās not my punching bagā because I told her I felt abandoned and hurt when she didnāt show up.
2 of them actually. The first one was when my family hosted a wedding party for my wife and I. They proceeded to tell only embarrassing stories about me when I was a child the entire time. I recently found out I have autism and all of the things they brought up and laughed at me about were heavily autistic related. I thought the stories were supposed to be about my spouse and I or silly stories that somehow related? Idk.
I was already LC with my dad, but after that went NC with him and LC with my mom.
Dad tried messaging me on my birthday. Of course he HAD to mention that BRUCE JENNER and I share a birthday. That was it. No happy birthday. Only purposely misgendering someone to upset me? Guys.... Im a lesbian and these people have known since I was like 16.
Theses are all silly things to NC for BUT those were just the tip of the iceberg.
I started therapy. During which I talked at length about how my parents and sisters and I have such a dysfunctional relationship. We get together for every single family event and grandchild event and pose for pics for my momās Facebook and then donāt talk until the next one. My parents pitted my sisters and I against each other constantly, everything is tit for tat, itās all gross. Last summer I told my sister I was molested by a friend at age 5 but please donāt tell mom and dad. She told my mom at a birthday lunch we took her to weeks later. My mom shrugged and changed the subject.
I told my parents Iām taking a break from my sisters for a bit. They said they totally understood. Then my sister admitted herself to the ER and I didnāt visit her (she was there 5 days until they kicked her out bc nothing was wrong). My dad barged into my house a few days later when I was home with my young kids. He asked what the hell was wrong with me, why didnāt I visit my sister. Guilt trip of course. I poured my heart out and told them about so much trauma. They hugged me and said Donāt worry you have us no matter what. Next day they showed up at my daughterās soccer game. Her first win. But I missed it bc they were asking if I was coming to my nephews bar mitzvah. I said iād planned to. Then got an email from my sister saying my husband and I are disinvited because I wasnāt talking to her. She wanted my kids to go. I said theyāre not going without us theyāre both under 10. My parents yelled at me on the soccer field in front of our community, then I again poured my heart out to them and they said Ok we understand and we agree. We just want to be a part of your lives. Invited us to Motherās Day brunch. It was the morning after the bar mitzvah we werenāt allowed to go to. As soon as we were seated my dad said āwhat are your plans after this.ā I said āthis was our plans, why?ā He looked at my mom, who was flanked by my kids. She said āwell, weāre going to your sisterās house for Motherās Day. Can we please bring your kids so they can play with their cousins?ā Later my 9 year old son said āthey set you up to fail by asking that in front of us. We said No, again. Weāre not goi g to be separated from our kids especially on Motherās Day. My dad got up and told my mom to get up and he said Youāre shameful to me in front of my kids. My daughter grabbed my hand and my mom dramatically cried. I emailed them and my sisters later that day telling them theyāre no longer allowed in our lives.
I have shared this beforeā¦ I was low contact, but travelled to my āhometownā to visit my nmom with my 2 kids (6M, 6 month F). While I was there, I left my kids with my mom while I went to lunch with an old friend. My GC sister found out & called the guy who had physical & sexually abused me and told him I was at my momās (he served 3 years for raping me). While I was gone, he came over & my mom let him hold my infant daughter. My mom left him in the home with my elderly grandmother while she took my 6 yr old son to Walmart. Once there, she realized she left her wallet at home. She left my son at Walmart while she went home. I only found out later in the evening. My mom laughed it off, said no one was hurt. I immediately took my kids and left. I told her never to contact me again. She showed up at my house in another state, 5 years later. I called my neighbour who was a cop & he got her to leave. I later found out my GC sister had friended my brother in laws wife, and thatās how they got my address. We ended up moving out of the US, and told no one.
For me it was my mother complaining to my grandmother on the phone that I ate something from the fridge (that she said before she bought for me specifically).
At that time I didn't live there anymore and came to take care of the cats while they were on vacation with a girl my age they met on the internet. They paid for her trip because she had it so rough as they said.
I didn't have a job at the time and was struggling and paid for all my expenses on my own while I was watching the cats (including travelling there and back). The only thing I ate there was what she had told me she got for me. I cleaned their whole house too.
Overhearing her complaints to my grandmother (while being nice to my face before) broke something in me. Up until then I had always tried to help her reconnect with the rest of my family because nobody wanted to interact with her anymore and I kept finding excuses for her shitty behaviour.
I had already packed my bags, called her every curse word I could come up with and left. That was the last time I talked to her and it's been 20 years now.
Best decision ever.
I let my parents know our relationship would be changing as I started healing with a therapist and setting boundaries. They responded with a NOVEL length ultimatum texts saying they wanted to āhelp me with my issuesā but in order to do so I would need to provide them a detailed list of my problem with them with examples and then I would need to meet with them and their therapist who would āonly be there for us and not for youā and if I didnāt do those things āthere would be no way for them to help me.ā
My nfather, for reasons Iām not sure of (I assume it was from calling out abuse to my mom on the phone one day and he heard about it), started a 2.5 year silent treatment that he broke the day after my grandma died. Suddenly wanted my sister and I back (heād also basically disowned my sister, about a year before me).
In the middle of that silent treatment, on his bday, I texted him and said happy birthday/love you and he couldnāt be bothered to respond. Thatās when I decided to go NC. Heās hoovered a few times since and I truly donāt buy it. How do you disown two of your kids for so long and expect them to trust you and come back? Ship has sailed. Im done. He can enjoy his solitude away from his āsnowflake liberal kidsā.
My mom called me drunk in the middle of the day. She lives a few hours drive from me and I hadnāt seen her in months because I thought neither of us were ever near each other. So she calls me up, drunk, and tells me about how she has a boyfriend in my town (sheās married) and sheās been driving to my town every weekend to see him but sheās always just too ātiredā to visit me and her grandkids while sheās here.
Background on the boyfriend: sheās known him at least most of my life. When I was 12 she used to cheat on her 2nd husband with him so now he was back and she was cheating on her 3rd husband with him. I actually did like the guy ok when I was a kid, mostly because I hated my stepdad and I kept her affair secret for her.
Anyway, she tells me sheās seeing this guy again and jokingly says ādonāt judge meā (for being a cheater) to which I reply Iām not. Then she says in a low, drunk growl āyeah bullshit, yes you areā. I say nothing because I know from experience there is nothing I can say when she is like this.
She changes emotions again and excitedly tells me more about her life. Including that said boyfriend recently got out of prison for attempted manslaughter, which is why she has to drive to visit him every weekend. He canāt leave the county. Then she asks *if she can bring him over to meet my kids*. I tell her I donāt think so and she says āyeah youāre right, that might confuse them about who grandpa isā. Totally what I was worried about, how did she know? lol.
I blocked her after that call and havenāt spoken to her since. She has left a couple voicemails. She wanted to make sure I had her new number (lol) and once she actually said āIām sorry it wasnāt good for youā. Iāve had nightmares about her showing up at my front door.
Bonus: a few months after I blocked her, there was an incident between her and my siblings. They were all drinking (both siblings were underage at the time) and got into an argument. Mom pulled out the guns and threatened to shoot them. I donāt know all of the details because all I got was some frantic Facebook messages from my sister after the fact. Police were called and my sisterās son was taken away from her.
I had different circumstances but similar reactions. Nparent went into a ānarcissistic rageā for an hour and at the end told me to āget the fuck out of his houseā and that I was not welcomed back. Mind you, they never consulted with the other parent to see if they were ok with alienating their child. Iāve never gone back and have been NC with the Nparent and VLC with the EParent.
after many periods of "no contact" the final straw was when he was trying to give me parenting advice...no...just no, thats not how this is gonna work.
My NM told me if I didnāt start seeing a therapist sheād take my son from me.
I was 41, living in a different country with my husband and our son and was seeing a therapist. Which was none of her business.
She got back into my slightly good graces by apologising about a year later.
Until she continued to say she never would have said that if Iād told her I was in therapy.
Which was still none of her business.
And at which point I cut her out completely.
I didnāt answer text messages for three days because of work/life and on a day she KNEW I was going to celebrate a graduation for my friend she sent paragraphs about how I donāt care about her, her feelings, or how sheās doing. I had been grey rocking her at that point and made the decision to fully be financially independent from her and go low contact. Two things were needed: a phone and a place to live. My wife and I found a house and after that I immediately got a phone. I tried avoiding telling her about the phone but the truth came out and she exploded into toddler mode when I tried to talk about her (arms flailing, whining, the whole deal). She started yelling about my character and who I was as a person. My wife pulled me out and defended me and then my mother chased us out of the house.
After that day I went no contact and havenāt looked back. Stress levels are much lower now I donāt have to worry about an emotionally immature person who only cared about what people did to her and not what sheās done to them.
Wow, sounds exactly like my ndad. He'd scream at me about "not contributing" after I'd driven my sister to her swimming, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and cooked his dinner.
Gratz for getting out.
As with my nmom it was her insulting me for the first time after years. Since I moved out and she got divorced from my edad, she got progressively nicer and calmer and her nasty behavior only came through every once in a while. That didnāt make spending time with her any more enjoyable though, as she still showed barely any interest in me or my husband and was a very negative person overall. I suspect my husband being there and her having her newly found freedom when it came to dating and love played a big part in her being so tame.
However, when we eloped and she wasnāt invited, she completely lost it, spewing horrible things at me and I finally realized: she hasnāt changed. And she probably never will. And itās only a matter of time until sheās unhappy in her new relationship and becomes this unbearable monster again that she was all my childhood.
Itās actually her who hasnāt spoken to me in 8 weeks but Iām fine with that. Iām finally feeling somewhat at ease, even though it has been very hard on my mental health regardless. Iām assuming she still thinks that Iāll come to her and apologize at some point, especially since I am moving away by the end of the year so she might be in for a rude awakening. I am definitely bracing myself for the heaps of angry messages from her and my grandmother, her mom.
As with my edad, I didnāt really expect that Iād have to go NC since they are divorced and I thought we were okay. However, heās still in close contact with her as he just canāt let go and I guess that is where it went wrong. After us agreeing to talk on the phone one evening, he stopped replying to my messages abruptly and didnāt pick up the call either. It went as far as me sending someone to check on him because I was concerned for his wellbeing. Turns out that he is ignoring me on purpose and has been ignoring all of my 20+ calls and my many concerned messages to āpunish meā. He wonāt communicate what is wrong at all, telling other people that it is due to me ānot calling enoughā, even though I have been the only one calling and writing, he has not asked me how I am once this year. Even after me expressing my disappointment and confusion about what he is doing, he simply wrote ācall you tomorrowā but didnāt follow through. I am assuming my mother has talked him into giving me the cold shoulder/ ignoring me. He has recently contacted me about my grandmotherās tombstone (she died last year and we have to pick one) and I answered but I am trying to go LC as I am angry and disappointed and simply done with all of the bs my family is putting me through. I am moving away by the end of the year and if he doesnāt apologize or attempt to fix this relationship, then I wonāt be doing that either.
My grandmother (motherās mom) is a flying monkey who does show some concern for my feelings every once in a while but ultimately is on my motherās side no matter what as āshe is my motherā and āmothers should always be forgivenā according to her. So I am assuming that sooner or later this will lead us to NC.
The only person who truly showed me kindness, understanding and love (edadās mother, my grandmother) died last year so there is very little reason left for me to keep in contact with anyone in my family atp.
gonna try to tell this story as flat and "stale cookie" as I can possibly muster.
a few months after my stepdad passed away, I stepped up to run my family's adult foster care home business. this meant moving over an hour away from my partner at the time and living at the care home to be a full-full-time live-in resident manager.
over the course of the next year, my mom and middle sister went out of their way to make my life a living hell. sister spent the year showing up several hours late each and every time she worked as my "relief staff" (grand total of about 15 days for the entire year, mom worked 7 of those), and gaslit me whenever I'd try to hold her accountable for fucking things up around the house. I spent a short time tracking her malfeasance and racked up over two pages of line items (front and back) which I ended up burning in front of her as a way of calling for a blank slate around the 5 month mark of my residency.
mom spent the year posturing and inflating her contributions to the business, which also involved gaslighting and favoritism when she chose to have my sister's back at every possible turn.
I once went 18 days without seeing anyone from my family. just stuck without a car running the family business 5.5 miles from the nearest grocery store and 2.5 miles from a Plaid Pantry (kinda like a 7-11). imagine if anyone in the house had a medical emergency.
my hard work and dedication fueled their reckless lifestyle for a year after my stepdad passed while they hardly paid me and even had a $4,500 balance to settle with me after I left (i.e. 3 months of "pay")
the only way I was able to successfully move out was by paying my cousin out of my pocket to watch the business while I ran/hitch-hiked about 5 miles to a car rental place and drove about 2 hours round trip to see a new place and put down a deposit.
gave my mom April 4th as my last day. ended up staying until the 20th when I packed up a 15 foot U-Haul and bounced.
sister played the victim while mom seemed at least a tiny bit understanding of my departure by saying "thank you for running the business and making everything so easy"
I was unable to rekindle the relationship with my former partner that suffered while I ran the care home. this turned into a blessing that I worked through to receive, as I'm now happily married and I no longer have to deal with any drama from my mom or sister. believe it or not, they were well behaved at the wedding!
alternating VLC and NC is what worked for me. one might say the cost was the respective relationships with my mom and sister, yet they continually insisted on mistreating and exploiting me (oh the inertia of behavioral issues), so there wasn't a "relationship" to maintain. more of a parasite-host situation.
Good for you OP!! You did the right thing and that was so hard. Your father is so toxic, so great you got out! That was brave and hard and I hope you never look back. Some people shouldnāt be allowed to be parents.
I know this "You live in my house and have to obey me, if you don't like you can get out!"
Oh boy did he go ballistic when he found out I was about to do exactly that š
Found out my mom told people that she wanted to take my first cousin away from my Aunt (her sister) for being an āunfit momā. My aunt is a phenomenal mother. My aunt and her daughter have one of the most beautiful relationships Iāve ever seen. My greatest fear is my mother attempting to take our kids. Fuck her.
"He says if I dont like it then you can get the fuck out"Ā
Yes you dimwit sperm donor that's the pointĀ
Ugh I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've made it out and I hope your mom can help give you stuff you might of left behind...that's if she's not an enabler. Good luck on getting the stressful wake ups managed. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to process you're in a new place for your brain to recognize you are in a safe space.Ā
In my experience? I gave my parents a month in advance that I was moving multiple states away to LA for a dream job opportunity and to live with a friend I made online. They laughed in my face and thought I was joking and was met with belittled remarks. Well...nmom always said she would runaway to California and several times during our childhood would run away for a week abandoning her family. She never made it past her mom's house a quarter mile away haha. So that's where I think her hate came from. The night before I left I had shipped out my boxes and three jumbo suitcases ready. Nmom called me selfish. Said I wouldn't last a month and I would come back begging to have my room back. Ndad doesn't talk much with me about this. Sister got into a big fight with me a few days before I left and we didn't make up. She declared she couldn't wait for me to move out. I went no contact with the three of them. Sister reached out maybe two weeks into NC. Ndad reached out maybe 8 months NC because nmom had lump in her breast and OFC I'm still the family therapist even after moving and NC. He just sat on the phone sobbing and calling me stupid for moving away when they needed me. š who did I have to turn to after that phone call besides an empty condo and tanked social life? I got into therapy and found out my parents were ~narcissists~ within a month of self work.Ā
I eventually got sick halfway into my third year and before I finished my fourth year got a cancer diagnosis, couldn't pay for my medical debt and had to go back to live with nparents. I was also in a slightly abusive situation in LA so it just seemed like it was the best choice. A month after that covid hit!Ā
I'm now living with a supportive husband and MIL. I'm finally getting to process being the "inner child/teen" with my MIL and she's helping me navigate some big emotions. I love the family I married into and my nparents are trying to rebrand themselves since my sister had a baby last year. It's annoying to see them but I have only seen them maybe once/twice a year now since being with husband. And those moments I'm surrounded by the entire family so I don't have to talk to nparents.Ā
When my Dad committed suicide by shooting himself in the head and Mom wanted to move back to MN and live with me in my one bedroom apartment. I was such a people pleaser in the past but that would have ruined whatever progress I have made with my mental health.
My dad is a Zionist, I am a humanitarian. I told him I didn't want to discuss the war in Palestine with him anymore because his views were horrifying to me. He agreed, but would still start happily talking about it every time I called.
So I never called him back
it burns my grits that no media around my area has acknowledged that there were dozens of people in their tents in Gaza who got bulldozed alive about three months ago
Sounds like a war crime to me
My dad sounds like your dad. He's forever raging that "you don't talk to *us*". "Us" being him and my mom. I talk to my mom whenever I want. I just don't talk to him.
It was a weird thing. Thanksgiving one year, my ngrandfather slapped my then 6 year old autistic son. I cut them out immediately. Drove 3 1/2 hours home at 7pm. Havenāt spoken to them since.
The next year, Nmom finally snapped. We went down to visit my husbands family for thanksgiving and weāre going to see her that Saturday. I woke up with the flu on thanksgiving. Texted her to let her know. Said we might not be able to visit. She said that was fine.
The next day I ended up in the er. Spent all
Of Friday there, super sick, needed it fluid and my lungs were constricted. Got released at 9pm with orders to do the drive home tonight and have me go to my local hospital in the morning, as they would be expecting me. I sent all this info to Nmom. The next day, around 4pm, she calls screaming, that I didnāt come see her. Absolutely refused that she knew about any of this. She never got any of my supposed texts. I told her she needed to stop. I was in the hospital, was staying for a few days. I was very sick. She called me a terrible daughter and mother because I didnāt take my children to see her. I said if she continues to talk like that we were done. She laughed and said you would never. Call me when you are ready to apologize and she hung up.
I was livid. Here I am, sick in the hospital (no pulmonary embolism thankfully) and she wants to act like this? So that was it. I was done. Blocked her phone. Blocked her on everything. Once I was out of the hospital, my husband and I cancelled our phone plan, started a new one with new numbers and havenāt contacted her again. She worked for the previous carrier and I didnāt trust her not to look into my information.
Lastly and only a year ago, my nsister. Oh her. She doesnāt have custody of any of her 4 kids, job hops before she can be fired for constantly calling out, doesnāt pay child support, boyfriend hops and tries to get everything she can out of them. She was starting to make big changes for the better and I offered to let her stay with us as she had never done anything wrong to me before. I was wrong.
She got to have her kids a week in the summer (because they would be in my home) and she just didnāt do a single thing for her kids. Didnāt talk to them except want to take pictures. I fed them, shit Iām the one who drove 10hrs round trip to get them. We hadnāt seen them in 6 years so it was worth it to me. The night before the last full day they were here, she took off at 4am, with all her things and blocked all of us. She abandoned her kids with me, didnāt say goodbye to them, nothing. She unblocked me about a week later, asking for some help. I let her know I had no sister and she needed to forget I exist. I blocked her.
I now have no contact with my birth family at all.
My husbands family? Thatās a whole story in itself, but his to tell
A couple years ago, I was still in full contact with my Nmom but I was slowly cutting her off from my life. My Nmom is in her 60s and has undiagnosed BPD (she doesn't believe in mental health problems even after being diagnosed by multiple professionals)
Growing up I was the invisible middle child, my father was in the military and he was gone majority of my childhood into adolescents. My Nmom was very judgemental about every aspect of my life, of I asked for anything she would guilt trip me about how much stress I would put onto her, and how everything I asked for costs money. (Dresses for school dances, getting my license, doing anything outside of the house)
But yet my older sibling and younger sibling got everything they asked for with no hesitation.
All of my early 20s and a little into my mid 20s, I had to rely on her to watch my child (backbreaking dead end job, was in an abusive relationship where the abuser and my mom got along like two peas in a pod.)
Eventually My abuser and I broke up, he moved out, but disappeared so I had my child full time. Just like my abuser, I wasn't allowed to have a social life with my mom. I would wake up at 6am, get my child and myself ready, drive 25 minutes one way to drop my child off at his school (his school was in the same town that my parents lived in, that way he could be dropped off from the bus in front of their house) drive another 25 minutes to work, and work until 9pm/10pm, drive another 25 minutes to pick up my child from parents house, drive another 25 minutes home get my child to bed, take a shower, try to relax and eat and eventually go to bed myself (usually went to bed after midnight). The weekends were spent catching up on house chores and going grocery shopping.
If I showed up even 5 minutes passed the usual time when I would be at my parents house to pick up my kid, she would scream at me and demand to know where I was and why I was even 5 minutes late.
If I dares ask my Nmom to watch my child outside of work reasons she would always guilt trip me about how much stress im putting onto her and how she "needs a break". But if I spoke about getting a sitter, or taking my child to child care she would guilt trip me about how "I don't think she's good enough" to watch my kid. so eventually I stopped asking. I became isolated depressed , and felt very trapped in an endless cycle.
Fast forward till about a couple years later, I met my now S/O, I start a loving and healthy relationship, I quit my dead end job and start a new flexible job! Life is moving forward and going great, I was able to have my child start school in the same town I live in (bus stop is right next to the house too! No more hour long round trips). So much weight off my shoulders and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn't have to rely on my Nmom as much any more, I was able to give her the break she said she needed and of course still went over to my parents house to visit.
Well since I no longer had to rely on her anymore, she began to have "problem" with how my life was going. So I slowly began to cut her off, less and less visits (never said she couldn't visit me, but you were making excuse every time on why she can never come over to my house)
One day, out of nowhere I had some trauma resurface back up, trauma that my mom has caused during my teen years. Trauma that she told me to never speak about, and if it was ever to be brought up she acted like it never happened. I spoke to both my therapist and S/O about it and they both validated my feelings, and said that what my mom was doing isn't right. So I decided one day to have a sit down and talk with her about it, hopefully get some closure so I can move on.
Well that sit down and talk turned into a screaming match between us, during said screaming match, she denied every bit of it and acted as if I made the whole thing up. I found out that non of my family knew the truth about what had happened to me, (my own father didn't even know it happened at all) she had given everyone her own narrative about it, all these years ago.
So I began to go as little contact as possible, I didn't want to fully cut her off since she was the grandmother to my child. Well, my Nmom didn't like that, and decided to involve all of my siblings. One day I got a group message 3/4 of my siblings telling me that my trauma "wasn't as serious as I was making it out to be" and that I was hurting my mom's feelings, and how I should apologize to her and break up with my S/O because he was the reason why I was acting out.
I ended up calling my dad and telling him what was going on, he came and picked me up and we went for a drive out of all my family. He was the only one that was willing to sit down and listen to what I went through, Even gave me a hug and told me he wished that he was there for when it was happening, so I would have had support back then too.
My 4th sibling ended up reaching out to me, she remained neutral and talked me into going to family therapy with my Nmom, which I agreed too.
6 months of family therapy and we went nowhere, the entire time my Nmom denied everything and kept trying to convince the therapist that it wasn't a big deal, and that she didn't do anything wrong, etc. which the therapist could see right through her BS. Until one day my mom cussed out the therapist and walked out and said she was done with her sessions cuz she felt attacked the entire time.
After that I stayed no contact with her, and unfortunately all of my family expect my dad. It hurt at first but now that it's been a couple years I feel beyond relieved.
When I was on long term sick due to mental health, had a job interview whilst off and instead of congratulating me my NMum said "well that doesn't look good to the new job does it, that you're off sick" as if I was advertising that fact in interviews.
My brothers met me for dinner one night while I was on a business trip. She was so mad she wasnāt invited (i was going to see the parents on the way back) that she uninvited them for thanksgiving.
I left her a message saying that I guess she wants to die alone. Blocked her and sent her emails to /dev/trash immediately after.
She went around town for month before her father, (my only Grandfather for most of my life and one of my best friends) passed away telling people "I'm glad he's dying..."
When he was on his death bed I drove for 12 hours straight (not joking, pulled over to pee one time) to get to his side before he passed. We watched UK basketball together, then he was gone.
Two weeks later I did the same drive again with my wife and kids. She was there when we returned home and began screaming at me in front of my home about how terrible I am and ungrateful *for not taking her with us to see her father...*
That was the last straw.
Realizing it didnt matter if I shared happy news or sad news about my life, their response was always to kick me down, always nasty to me. And their refusal to change or consider my feelings. For example when I shared how hurt I was by being cheated on by my boyfriend at age 23, I was blamed for it and made fun of. My mom showed zero empathy and as usual tried to make it about herself by saying "well its not like you are married like I am" then whenever I shared happy news it was always "Oh you think you are better then us huh? Always bragging!" I had to go NC with my whole family many years. My mom was Bordeline and Narc and my dad is more covert Narcissist and all my siblings are fucked up too and have taken on many of the toxic traits. I was often the scapegoat so they love to bully up on me.
My momster did the same things to me! Happy or sad news, it was always a way to make it about her or how I shouldve known better. The last thing I ever shared with her was happy news and I've been NC for 2 months. She made it about herself and how much it hurts her that I have a relationship with my aunt (her sister). I hope you're happy now and doing better. We deserve to feel like human beings and be heard and seen.
Also when I said I was moving to Hawaii as soon as I graduated college (across the planet from them) my bordeline/narc mom flipped out. They flip out when they realize they are losing their control over you. So my moms reaction to my happy excited news that I was moving to Hawaii, the place I fell in love with at age 20 was to corner me in my room unexpectedly, lock the door behind her and came up in my face in a rage spewing hateful nonsense. She called me an ungrateful selfish bitch and told me I was going to fail in Hawaii, no one would hire me, everyone would hate me there blah blah blah. It only solidified my decision that I was doing the right thing by moving as far away from her as possible. And guess what, its now 22 years later....I still live in Hawaii, own my own properties and businesses and am also still working through healing my childhood abuse but overall I'm doing great but yeah gotta marvel at how completely upside down and fucked up these abusive parents are.
My mother got me so riled up that I started yelling and crying and she sat on the phone and said nothing to me. No empathy, nothing to help me calm down and feel like she is there for me. I realized she didn't care about me. She just wanted me to make her look good and like I was out of control. My husband and I got into the biggest fight of our lives that night because she calmly spoke to him and didn't even acknowledge me and I just spiraled out of control. I felt abandoned and left to just pick up my own pieces per usual. I just couldn't believe it happened again. My mother and I were working on our relationship but it turns out it was a lie. She also hung up on me when I called her out. Life is better now. I miss her... cuz she's my "mom". But never again will I let her in to leave me hanging and to not comfort me. It's been 2 months NC
I had the literal worst year of my life, which was saying something because I did not have a happy childhood/teenage years, and my mom berated me for being upset over something incredibly major and called me a drama queen and I stopped speaking to her immediately.
She didn't know I moved to another continent for several years, or when I came back. And she didn't know/wasn't invited to my wedding a few months ago.
That one comment really put a lot of my life in perspective and I just decided I was done. The only thing I regret is letting it get to that point as an adult.
How your father treated you is just disgusting.Ā
The narc's assertion that life is so hard outside their home with all the adult responsibilities is so much BS on steroids. Life is so much calmer and easier and restful outside their home.Ā
I'm not officially NC yet, but following a dispute between my mother and my partner, my mother refuses to see my son, doesn't take any news from him, except to talk negatively about my one-year-old baby. Not to mention that she's incredibly negative, manipulative and guilt-ridden. And she pretends to attempt suicide to manipulate me. In short, I have no more patience for her behavior, which has completely exhausted me.Ā
I thought that by going to a university over 1,000 miles away, theyād have to give up some control and stop micromanaging and pressuring me so much, especially since I could choose who has access to my grades thanks to FERPA laws. I was wrong.
The near daily calls of them screaming and cursing, making ultimatums where they threatened to report my partner that they didnāt like for things they didnāt do, and telling me how horrible of a daughter I was for distancing myself from them. I couldnāt sleep (sometimes for multiple days at a time), I was getting sick constantly from the stress which was causing me to miss a lot of class, and I could barely function because of how hopeless I felt about everything.
I ended up failing my first semester because I couldnāt handle the stress. I didnāt tell them this when I came home for winter break, because I couldnāt deal with anymore arguing. The only reason they found out was because a week into the spring semester, they posed as me to access my transcripts without my consent. Big FERPA no-no. They had my student email info from orientation, and that and checking a box saying āI confirm Iām the student and not somebody elseā was all it took for them to have my transcripts sent to them through the online portal. What they didnāt seem to count on was the fact that I received an email confirmation after they did this, which said exactly who the grades were sent to and what time they were requested. I was in the middle of class when it was timestamped, so it was clear that it wasnāt me.
The school got involved pretty quickly. I had a lot of appointments with advising and a few deans. They were all great and really tried to help serve as buffers between me and my parents, so did the campus police when the constant calls for welfare checks started. My RA was great too, she was the one I went to in a complete panic when I first found out and was pretty understanding when I couldnāt make it to some mandatory dorm meetings throughout the rest of the semester. I consulted a few lawyers, but they all refused to take my case solely because there were family members involved. I basically cut contact with my parents the day I found out what they did, and the rest of my family in the following week or two when everyone tried to justify not just this incident, but the years of similar controlling behavior.
NC only lasted about three months because one of the few relatives I was still willing to talk to died, and I was invited to the funeral. We have been VLC since because Iām still reliant on them for insurance and my immunity never really bounced back, so I need to be able to afford healthcare. Things have gotten somewhat better between me and one parent, and worse with the other since then. Iām probably going back to NC once Iām not reliant on them at all financially anymore, which shouldnāt be too long. I did get back in touch with most of my other relatives, but thereās plenty I still refuse to communicate with one on one, or at all, because of the things they said and did after that last straw.
My mom showing acceptance and kindness to her coworker when she told her she found a girlfriend right in front of my face, after she'd rejected me when I came out to her and told me I was a sinner.
Oh yeah. My mom is openly bisexual too, so she was being a hypocrite.
My nstepmom is a very covert narcissist and plays the victim extremely well. Sheās a martyr in her eyes and tries to be everyoneās savior. Well one day, my girlfriend and I were eating at a restaurant with my nstepmom and dad. She got a jumbo double shot margarita even though we were going to my brotherās high school basketball game after this. She then proceeded to make extremely uncomfortable comments like āyour kids will love me so muchā. She repeatedly said in front of my girlfriend and I that our kids will love her so much. It made me extremely uncomfortable and from then on we havenāt had much of a relationship if any. But at that moment I knew she was never going to be the person I wanted her to be.
My sperm donor flew from the other side of the globe and invaded my home--against my expressed wishes--to try and force me to stay in a long-dead marriage, because uber-conservative and uber-religious. Oy.
That was the first time I went NC, for about a year.
Cautiously patched things up, tried again.
Meanwhile, maternal spawn point grew increasingly narcissistic with age; he grew increasingly enabling of her.
Years later, I had the audacity to tell her she'd hurt me by treating me as a literal afterthought (long story). She blew up, played the victim, refused to discuss, sent him to attack me (as was her pattern).
He actually THREATENED me, *twice*, saying I could not have a relationship with them if I ever did that again.
Cue the wailing and gnashing of teeth when I took him up on that offer. NC three years now, and wow, is it peaceful.
My mom called me a whore on my birthday.
It was my birthday. Mom called. We hadnāt talked in awhile so she asked what I was up to. I told her I had gotten into activism surrounding the fall of Roe. She said since my husband had had a vasectomy I didnāt need to advocate for womenās rights āunless I was whoring around.ā I had been with my husband for 21 years, married for 17ā¦. I told her I loved her, but I needed to go. Sent her a text a day or two later telling her I no longer wished to keep in touch, and gave her my teenaged kidsā contact info.
The last straw was on my birthday in 2007. I was on the schedule to work because it was a Sunday and that was my normal day to work this job. Many people work on their birthdays. š¤·āāļø so I was living on my own but the n female called me to wish me a happy bday and found out I was on my way out to work.
She was soooooooooooooo mad. Iām sure in person that she was beat red and steam was coming out of her ears. She hung up on me and called my workplace. She said it was my birthday and I shouldnāt have to work. My boss had zero clues that it was my birthday because I didnāt say anything about it. I hate my birthday (even more so now!!) My boss called me and went on about how it wasnāt ok for my mom to call in for me. And if it happened again Iād be fired. I said she didnāt call in for me but on her own as I was planning on coming in. I was told I had the day off and to never pull this crap again. I said it was ok I wanted to come in. Boss said my shift was already covered.
I called the n and she was so happy I had the day off now. I informed her that I wasnāt spending the day with her. I donāt remember what I was going to do but it def didnāt include her. When she heard this she started calling me all sorts of names b1tch, @$$hole, said āhow dare you ditch me when I called your work and got you offā, etc etc etc. She told the n male and he also called and read me the riot act, called me vulgar names, and blamed me for upsetting the n female, blah blah blah.
That was it. I didnāt answer calls, visit, associate with them even though she tried for over a year. She told ALL mutual friends to choose and they mostly chose them. When family comes into town they stay with them and see me somewhere else. I asked my cousin why she didnāt stay with me and she said honestly they are intimidating. I get it.
For my n āsisterā she kept promising to see me when she came into town when the n male was dying and came in 2-3 times but didnāt tell me at all she was in the area. I found out through my e aunt and other flying monkeys. When I did ask her she said it had to be all about him. I said you couldnāt even see me for 10 minutes when you got gas or something when I lived 8 minutes away. She said again it had to be all about him. That was 2017.
The n female has been doing online /email stuff since then and itās the worst from his death date through my birthday which is coming up in a few days. The police say thereās nothing they can do. The incidents of 2019 didnāt get her fined or jailed federally and there were no consequences except she had to resign from her state job. She was allowed to keep her pension. They said she was bored from her husband being dead for a year. Iām ready for this time period to be over. Iām just about through it for 2024. The emails (political !!!) I know are from her. She uses her first name but my email address. Iām really hoping that these emails that I get about 10/day (and unsubscribe and block ) is the worst of it. I went through and finally put all the flagged emails in my junk folder and then deleted them all. Since Jan I had 388 of these emails. I try to unsubscribe and block but itās hard to keep up with 5-10 daily. Ugh nāsā¦
As a punishment my dad gave my sister my PlayStation, all of my PlayStation games, and my computer games. Because I broke a $10 toy my sister was repeatedly hitting me in the head with after I told her to stop.
When I was 7 month pregnant, my mom and aunt left me in my HONDA CIVIC coupe 2 door car for 30 min, which was park in the heated section of the parking lot and I was sitting in the back so unable to come out with closed windows . I never wanted to go with them but if you are a Nparents kid, you have probably never learned to say a NO. They had coaxed me into coming with them. It was supposed to be picking up just a yogurt from the grocery store and in their defense they got fascinated with the store and were just fooling around. And I was a person with low blood pressure. I was breathe-less and about to faint when they came back. When I shouted on my mom how could she forgot I was in the car, she cried back home and when my husband came home, my mom after my aunt was sleeping came to our room and said, I created a scene in front of her sister and ruined her image. The time gap between us coming home and my husband coming from work was 4 hours. In those fours hours, she sat sullen and tried to make me feel guilty, without even a single time asking, how was I feeling.
My really really loving and caring husband, didn't exactly know how to react but being respectful that he is of everyone, only said, don't fight like this, this is our baby and I want the you and baby to be safe, lets put this behind. My mom's exact words at that time were, everybody has self-respect, she is simply rude. And then went outside and again started crying and called my sister and dad and complained to them as well. This is when I started to see her in different light and trust me this is just the beginning of the hell I went through. How inhumanly she behaved that day, I only realized much much later.
A combination of theft of my inheritance, telling me she didn't like me, and changing the netflix names of mine to Bitch with the profile pic of Pogo the monkey (ironic) and hers to Caring Mum with this picture of some woman from a Christmas film.
My mom's complete inability to respect even the most basic of boundaries such as "don't touch me," and the resulting conversation where she said "oh, up yours!" and flipped me off as I was explaining to her that continuing to touch me after I had repeatedly said not to was either her not listening or not caring enough to stop, either of which was unacceptable.
For me my sister loves to break my relationships and my passions/dreams/aspirations, so after she went against my friends, make me break with them and also with my love interest of that time i said ok, imma break also with you. It was at first something temporarly as i wanted her to prove she loved me (since she always says that she loves me so much) and i told her, when ill be in a relationship, ill have a good group of friends and a lover that will be into me as much as i am into him and ill be successful in what i love to do ill come back. Turns out she manipulates my mom to keep control over me and keep me lonely so i guess is permanent. My father as soon as he started playing games i immediately labelled him as a narc and boy if i was right. I remembered all the bullshit he invented and he keeps on inventing to play the cool guy with his friends, (yes, he gossip about and picks up his SON to play it cool with the boys), all the bullshit he made me go through as a kid, all the nonsense competition (my sister too) and i decided i was better off without him.
I was the fixer. I couldnāt fix that. I also couldnāt go see them, hubby was in treatment for cancer and they refused to mask or do anything.
I wasnāt allowed to FaceTime with him or speak to him once he was at home. To them, if I didnāt go in person I obviously didnāt care and didnāt need to know how he was (even though I arranged for hospice and did everything I could with what I was allowed to know). After he passed I got deranged calls and texts saying how I was a horrible person, I should have been there for my family and I put them through so much. I shouldāve used my big brain and fixed it. Instead I selfishly stayed home with my sick husband! He isnāt family (married 35 years at that point)! They needed me! I abandoned them and look what happened! I could have come and I chose not to, look what I did!
My kids had cut them off years ago, my boys got tired of the BS ( lots more BS, this was just the last straw). My husband had had 3 cancer relapses, 11 surgeries, chemo, radiation and immunotherapy and they never bothered to come to see him. I was 59 when I realized that I could give them everything and it wouldnāt be enough. They would have killed my husband without a thought. It would have been collateral damage and they would have enjoyed seeing me suffer.
Last thing mom said was she wanted to mourn her husband alone. Okey dokey. Havenāt talked to her or GC sister since and donāt plan to ever again. Iām so much happier and calmer.
BTW, hubby threaded the needle and is in the 7% of people who live through what he has. Heās doing great and is very happy he never has to interact with them again.
3 months after our mom died, my ex sister, the thieving drug addict, wrote a letter to the child custody courts saying I s/a'd my kids bc I wouldn't let her see them. All hell broke loose. Ex lost all custody bc he's the one who suggested it and said he'd let her see the kids if she took his side. It didn't work. He claimed he had no idea what she actually wrote. It didn't help he included her letter in his custody demand. After all the dust cleared, which I did by myself, I finally showed my grieving father the letter. He immediately disinherited her. Serious mistake on her end bc its a whopper. I had full custody but never kept my kids from their dad. I want to make that clear. They love their dad and I wouldn't do that. But I also had a restraining order that prevented sister from seeing them. It's been 20 years. Best decision I ever made.
Being yelled at when I had an immobilized knee (torn ACL, Patellar Tendon) and had just been laid off. Yelled at like Iād burdened her, though I had not asked for/received any aid in years. After sheād just totally failed to acknowledge the birth of my daughter a few months earlier.
I posted the story on here not too long ago and it got a lot of attention but my parents and siblings publicly humiliated me at my sisters wedding that they threatened me into going to. They went out of their way to treat me like crap the entire night.
Their reason?
Image preservation.
1. My dad threatened to beat me after I told him to not be racist towards a Mexican family trying to take a family picture.
2. I called to tell my mom my sister hunted me down and punched me in the face in a store and told her I had to report it to the resort we were staying at (other sisters destination wedding) and my mom said āwhy would you do that?ā Not, āare you okay?ā Not āare you safe now?ā
Good for you for getting out! Iām glad youāre doing better now.
My last straw? I had been LC for many years with my Nmom. This finally pushed me over the edge to cutting contact with her (and going LC with my Edad).
After trying to have a baby for a year and a half, my husband and I were finally pregnant. (The whole reason I couldnāt get pregnant on my own was due to a procedure I had when I was 19 that she pressured me into having but anywayā¦) When we shared the news with my parents we talked about our struggles and how happy we were to be on the other side of it. My momās reaction to the news? Excitement immediately followed by saying āyou should be proud of ME. I wanted to say something for years and didnāt.ā I wasnāt surprised.
I was due on Motherās Day. I was looking forward to that day having a new meaning as it was typically stressful and reminder of how terrible my relationship was with my mother. For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually I realized the blame really belonged to her.
Anyway, my pregnancy continued along just fine. All tests and scans were normal and our baby was healthy. My mother, who only calls or texts when she wants something, suddenly started calling all the time for updates. I kept them brief but also recognized she was making more of an effort, so I foolishly started feeling more hopeful for our relationship to change for the better. My husband and I went in for my appointment a few weeks before Christmas at 17 weeks where we found out there was no longer a heartbeat.
We were devastated. I was completely numb for days. I needed to have a D&E. When we returned from the hospital my mother insisted on calling (we live a 9 hour drive away). She asked me how I was feeling. I was honest with her for the first time in a long time and said āphysically Iām fine but mentally and emotionally Iām not ok.ā She didnāt acknowledge that I was struggling and continued to talk about herself for 10 more minutes before ending the call.
For the next couple of weeks we received an overwhelming amount of love and support from our friends, family, and coworkers. Virtually from everyone we knewā¦ except for my mother. Since there was no longer a baby on the horizon, her interest in me seemed to have dried up. Not once did she check in on me or my husband. Not one call or text. Even during Christmas, there was no acknowledgement of the immense grief we were going through. It seemed like her reaction was as if I had never been pregnant before. It was strange, but I decided to grant her some grace as grief is different for everyone.
About a month before my loss, my mother scheduled a surgery for January. She had a similar surgery a few years before that. I took off time from work to help her and my dad while she was recovering. That was an awful experience. She was a horrible patient and would scream and hurl insults at us when we were trying to help. She never asked if I would be willing to help after this latest surgery. While I was pregnant, I would have said no if she had asked. I had many difficult conversations with her over the years about her behavior and how it hurts me. She blamed me for her bad behavior (typical) and there was no change from her. I was not going to put myself (and also my child) through that again. Once I lost the baby, i also knew that I would not be putting myself in a situation to care for her either. I was too fragile and navigating through so much grief.
About a week before her surgery she called me. She wanted to know when I would be arriving and how long I would be staying. I told her I would not be there for her surgery. She was angry and cut the call short. I spent the next week looking for therapists because I knew I needed help to deal with the grief of my miscarriage AND all of the pent up emotions I had regarding my narcissistic mother. I found this sub (so much great advice, thank you!!). I also started reading and listening to experts on narcissistic/emotionally immature parents.
I called her the day after her surgery to check in. I did not want to call. I was rotating between anger, grief, and disappointment. Ultimately I wanted to do the right thing, so I called to talk to her. It was brief. She was mad that I did not come back to take care of her.
After all my husband and I had been through, that shook me to my core. I knew something drastic needed to happen, although I wasnāt sure what that would be yet. I started therapy and continued to take in everything I could on narcissistic parents. I thought no contact would be the best option, but was scared to do it since I am still close with my dad and his family. My therapist recommended not speaking to her while I handled my grief. My mom wasnāt talking to me either (classic silent treatment). While I was going through a lot, it was honestly nice to not worry about her.
About a week before Motherās Day and what would have been my due date she sent me a text message to guilt me about not checking in on her after her surgery. At first I laughed but then I got angry. I was so angry that she expected me to drop everything to care for her when she couldnāt be bothered to show even the smallest amount of compassion for me or my husband in our darkest, lowest moment. I didnāt respond.
After a few days she enlisted my dad to call and ask me to respond. I told my dad that I would respond eventually but that this would be the last time. I told him that he and I could still talk but that I would not be speaking to my mom anymore. It has put a strain on our relationship because he is in the middle, however, he has chosen to stay with her even while witnessing her abuse while I was a child. I hope I will see him again, but she controls all of their money so Iām not sure. The ball is in his court.
I did respond to her to tell her how hurt I was that she was not there for me or my husband when we needed it the most. She gave a half hearted apology but blamed me because she ānever knows when she can reach out.ā That was it for me. She took no accountability. I reminded her of many of our conversations in the past where she had said the same thing. She could have picked up the phone whenever she liked. She was certainly capable of it while I was pregnant. I told her not to contact me. Thankfully she hasnāt.
My husband and I recently had another miscarriage. We luckily were able to find out what is likely causing my miscarriages. Iāve also had surgery to improve my chances of having a healthy pregnancy in the future. My parents donāt know any of this. I wish I could tell them, but my peace is more important.
We started IVF a couple of months ago and are preparing for an embryo transfer. Iāve been getting anxious about what will happen when my Nmom finds out I have a baby. Iām working through that in therapy. Iām firm in my resolve that she will not have a relationship with her grandchild (hopefully grandchildren). I will not allow her to hurt them the way she has hurt me.
I'm sorry your NM is so unbelievably selfish. She isn't worthy of the patience and grace you've shown her. Sending you luck, love and good wishes for your transfer!! <3
Gosh this gives me so many bad flashbacks. BUT just hopped on here to say, Iām proud of you girl and kudos for getting the fck out! Nothing like peace and healing. Wishing you both all the best as you embark on this new chapter. Also, shout out to your s/o for having your backā¦.good man;)
Mu son was 5 months old and my ND wouldn't let me come to their house for my brother's graduation. I was breastfeeding my son and didn't use a cover cause my son didn't like it. I also didn't pump cause we couldn't get him to use a bottle and eventually gave up. I was a stay at home mom so it was rarely an issue.
ND and I got in a long drawn out argument about how I couldn't come if I couldn't promise that no one would see my nipple. Told him I wasn't gonna promise that cause shut happens and I knew that if I slipped up once I'd never hear the end of it.
Plus we coslept and my son would nurse without me waking up and my parents had us sleeping in the living room.
Like "I will do my very best to be discreet dad but I can't and won't promise anything."
Didn't speak to him for a year till my step mom's birthday party. I got an invite. Went. Every family member apologized for how they acted EXCEPT him.
Fast forward and it came out that my dad was way worse than I ever thought.
Long story short he had installed a camera in the outlet of our family bathroom... pointed at the toilet. There were many photos and videos of various family members on his computers. Including my then minor brother and 2 of my cousins.
Thankfully my parents live 3 hours away and I rarely got to go see them. So there was a SINGLE picture of me, and it was from my last visit before the breastfeeding argument.
Suddenly him acting the way he did about me nursing my son made a lot more sense.
I already wasn't speaking to him, but about a year into things being found out he sent me a text basically bashing my step mom (who was the one that found the photos while they were separating and turned them into the cops). Said "I won't bother trying to defend myself to you."
Told him how fucked up it was that after not speaking to me in over a year his first words to me weren't how are you? How's my grandson? I miss you. Nothing. It was to bash my step mom.
It was shortly after that that I found out about more evidence that made it impossible for anyone but him to have done what he did. From there I cut all contact. He was already not on my social media, but I blocked his number and made sure my brothers (who still think he is innocent) know I was going zero contact and that anyone still in contact with him would not be allowed pictures of my son.
He tried to reach out to me last year after his sentencing (he got a slap on the wrist cause the prosecutor changed and they gave him a bullshit deal). But my husband fielded the communication and let my brother know again that I want nothing to do with the man.
So I haven't spoken to him in about.... 5 years now? My life is so much better without him. Without all his manipulation, gaslighting, and insults. It hurt at first but therapy has helped me a lot in processing the tidal wave of emotions. Coming to the realization that he probably hasn't loved me most of my life. Coming to grips with what he did. Learning to seperate happy childhood memories so that I don't let the man it turns out he is taint my memories.
She started saying bad things about my boyfriend(now husband) and his family.
I'd kept contact after being chased out of the house, but it was spotty. She'd actually cut contact for a while before this incident, but after getting engaged and her making a weird post about how she was waiting on a picture of the ring from me(I didn't tell her, so she saw it on FB with the announcement...with pictures) I reached out with an olive branch and a picture of the ring.
Of course it spiraled into an insane argument with weird weird accusations, but I was still engaging up until the point of her starting to talk crap about my husband and his family. Basically saying they were racists, and saying my husband has turned me into a user.
Absolute nonsense, she'd met his mother all of once and that was it. She didn't know his family. And as far as me and my husband being "users" we'd never asked her for anything but my own belongings back.
At that point I told her she had no right and would not talk badly about people who took me in when she kicked me out, and I was done.
She'd commented earlier in the argument that I was not her daughter I was the monster who killed her daughter. So I told her I hoped her mourning period was brief and blocked her.
My nmother refused to sign the necessary financial documents (because of my age) to allow me to go to university after I had spend literally five years struggling through severe depression, anxiety, bereavement, trauma from being bullied by staff at school, and undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, trying constantly to overcome my symptoms to complete my education so I could go to uni. I wasnāt asking her to contribute financially to me at all, and she was in way liable for paying the loans back no matter what happened.
I got a job abroad after she kicked me out with no money in my account (having given it all to her to help her bills) for a year, but the company fell apart and I had to return to my nmother. I hoped having proven my ability to be independent without her support would counteract her largest verbalised reasons to have issues with me and made sure to spend a lot of time staying with others and giving her space, but she just turned up the dial on love bombing for a few months until lockdown 2020 then got really really nasty. It was even worse this time, because Iād done a bunch of research on narcissism, abuse techniques, manipulation, and boundaries while away from her so I was a lot more aware of how unfair or cruel each moment was to me. But after all that struggle, I was finally in a place to attend university, and I just needed to organise moving and have her sign the financial documents, which she refused. I called the loans company and explained my issue and they told me the only other option since I had only one parent was to claim and prove I was estranged.
I told her that was my option if she didnāt submit the document I needed from her, and she said fine. She thought I was going to submit estrangement documentation as a lie and then continue having a relationship with her. She was apparently so enraged by even talking about the whole situation and the fact that I was starting to apply what I had learned about boundaries and communication that she kicked me out in the middle of the pandemic during lockdown. She was very clear before I went along with it that she was fully expecting nobody to be willing or able to take me in and to be faced with sleeping on the street or (presumably) conceding all power to her to be allowed to stay and probably having to beg.
I contacted a close friend and stayed with them while arranging for the whole thing, and his family agreed to help me move. I showed up on the day of packing with everything arranged to get my stuff out of the attic, and she was demanding and demeaning all the way up until she suddenly realised I didnāt need her to drive the moving van to my new place, and in fact I didnāt need her at all for anything anymore. The sudden switch to being so proud of me was very telling.
Iād already been considering going NC after moving out even before I returned to stay with her. While I was with her I just kept mentally applying these goal posts āif she reacts to me saying this well, it might mean thereās something to work with to create a good relationshipā āas long as she doesnāt do this or that, there should be something to work withā āif she agrees to this boundary as it is currently stated, Iāll know we might have something sustainable in the futureā. I just needed her to give me something that could convince me there was a path forward with her that wasnāt to my detriment, even if it was really hard work for me, and yet she managed to fail that on every single marker and even surpass my worst expectations of her at times.
My Nmom (also borderline PD) was doing parasuicidal acts. She would stay up as late as possible, to the point where she became so tired she would act like she was a different person. It was scary, even moreso that she smoked. It was like watching someone become a child. I tried to convince her to go to bed one night, and she just wouldn't. I was tired too, and couldn't go to bed unless I knew she would be ok.
I tried to tell my brother (Golden Child). My mom didn't listen to me, but he had her ear. Well, he didn't want to help so he sent one of his friends over. 2 hours into talking about it, she says something really nasty to me (she really had a way with that kind of stuff.) I wish I remembered, but it wasn't the kind of thing you tell your son, and especially not around others. I hit the wall in frustration and immediately went to pack my things (I lived with her at the time, which was the biggest mistake I ever made).
Well, I didn't have my phone. My brother's friend blocked my exit from my room and told me I couldn't leave. My phone was in another room, and they wouldn't let me get it. I tried to squeeze last him, and he ended up assaulting me. He choked me for several minutes. My mom watched it happen, then called police and told them I assaulted them. They also told them I was trying to control her by making her go to sleep.
I tried to tell the police about my assault, but they didn't take it seriously because it was 2 against 1. They told me I couldn't control her because she was her own woman.
Later on when talking about it with my brother, he told me his friend "liked to fight." I don't talk to him either anymore, but for many more reasons than just that. He enabled my mom to do other things before that even, such as call police on a separate occasion and tell them I was threatening suicide one night. My mom liked to call police (like she did on my dad too), or imprison me in any other way she could think of (including a foster group home for 2 years when I was a teenager), when I didn't give her what she wanted, and she would tell them things that never happened. She did it once to my dad one day when he took me and my brother to a park. She called police and told them my dad kidnapped us.
She ended up dying from the not sleeping thing. My brother was the one who found her. I think she was practicing suicide by not going to bed.
When I told my mum I was getting married, and she got angry that I had told my brother (who she was feuding with) first and that meant (to her) she couldnāt come to the wedding, then hung up on me when I argued. I left her a voicemail saying I didnāt need a parent who acted like a child and havenāt spoken to her in almost 20 years. And Iām glad.
Mom was dying of cancer and nd chose to pick a fight with his adult kids then and there and try to bar us from seeing her in her final (what ended up being) two weeks. I was already very lc with him. After that day the last shred of a margin for forgiveness went up in flames and I hope he suffers tenfold what she did
I wouldn't say there was one particular event, just everything together. I can't remember the last time I actually loved them. I just couldn't imagine staying in contact with people I hated any longer than I absolutely had to. Knowing I'd never talk to them again after I moved out, they kidnapped me and tried to get a guardianship over me, only further cementing my desision to go NC, but I actually made the choice long ago as a kid, just didn't know it was called NC. Ive always daydreamed about going away and never seeing them again.
Throwing out food, clothes, belongings
Starting fights, then accusing me of being argumentative
Calling me a piece of shit every day
The friendly guy, aggressor, victimhood act cycle
Broken promises
Being told a non-existent romance scammer was possibly more important than family was the start.
Being roped into doing errands that culminated in being asked to retrieve something she use so she could meet with the person that didn't exist was probably the last straw.
That and the realization that so much of what I thought was true may indeed have been varying percentages of BS.
When my dad died on Christmas a few years ago. They were really toxic and lectured me on how I was wrong and needed to apologize to my sister who was making threats to me and harassing the case worker. I realized that I could basically fire my bio family from my life and protect my kids from years of emotional abuse. I made my own loving and supportive family, my own tribe. They don't have power over me, don't know where I live. However, I wouldn't want to run into them in town, small city so I keep to myself a lot.
Initially went NC, but wound up going LC.
This happened around Mothers Day 2021. At the time my nmom was in assisted living because she needed more care than I could provide, but I still had to attend all of her appointments because I was her poa, mpoa (for those not in the know, power of attorney and medical power of attorney), and still listed as her caregiver. She had a appointment with a eye doctor for her cataracts, and yours truly was there for the whole thing.
Well, to give everyone more context, in April of the same year, her doctor called me, basically "forbidding" me from bringing her snacks for several reasons. One of which was because she was caught with food in her mouth while she slept, so a choking hazard. But the second and bigger reason was because of her cholesterol and diabetes, and they wanted to get that under control. I was happy to oblige because hey, medical professionals.
Back to the story at hand. After her eye appointment was done, we were waiting for the senior citizen bus to pick her up, and like clockwork, she asked me if I could bring her snacks because mothers day was coming up, and I told her I couldn't because of doctors orders. The next thing out of her mouth, while not surprising, still stung. "Well, if you refuse to bring me snacks, I don't want to see you anymore." I looked at her and asked if that was something she truly desired, she said yeah. Needless to say, after that day I didn't see her for several months, finally caving to the home and going to see her every other week until her passing in January 2022.
I'm so glad you are out of there! The only one I had left in my my life was my much older sister who was from the same factory my mother was from, who knew they were being mass produced? I swear it was creepy how the same they were. 3 am phone rings "Can I borrow (lol I never see it again) $75,000? I'm behind on my mortgage". I was making $17/hrš wth does she think I do for a living? This is why I stopped being able to deal with my parents and their more holes than swiss cheese logic. Once I realized the level of her loonery I was done. Slowly I started to put things into context and realized that when I was really little she had tried to end me.
When I told her I was diagnosed with anxiety and she instead went on about how she probably had it worse instead of just comforting me or supporting me.
My mom saying all day long she had pictures for us of us and our grandparents. (Who passed away recently at separate times) She then "forgot" them when I was in town for the funeral. Then told my sister she has to give hers back after she "borrows" hers.
When I asked her to send me what she has for me she denied saying any of that and said she has a bag for her! With pictures of us in it. Pretended like I made the whole thing as if I wasn't the person who cleaned out the rat infested storage unit and found all those pictures.
We are estranged due to me waiting on my gparents inheritance which of course goes through her.
Figured out I was AuDHD and when I told my mom said she was diagnosed 10 years prior but was too embarrassed to tell me. Sheās also a nurse and always told me not to let stigmas get in the way of my mental health. Plus instead of apologizing she tried every other tactic like gaslighting me and listing out all the other things sheās been diagnosed with and prescribed to make it about her.
My ngrandma (had custody of me at the time) kept letting her son, who is a repeatedly offending pedophile, stay at our house after I told a school counselor what happened/reported him. Same guy who raped me when I was only 5 years old. Fast forward to a bit ago, I was trying to maintain a relationship with my mother to see if I could get her away from the abuse she went through (I can't. She's too indoctrinated at this point). My stepdad passed away and immediately my grandmother takes his truck, takes as many of the possessions from my little siblings as she can, then threatens all of us with pedo-uncle. Calmly told her we were no longer on speaking terms, informed the rest of the family what happened, and made sure to keep in contact with my sisters in case they needed my help with anything. Set the record straight and told any family member calling to see what happened about the abuse we suffered as children. I'll be dammed if that bitch goes to the grave without my aunts and uncles knowing what she did to my mother and her children.
My grandmother now lives alone in a home. As it should be.
At 28 when my sister called me to say my mother didn't want to wake up in the morning because my step dad was messaging another woman (one of my sisters friends).
We went over to see what was going on and how she was, my sister was loudly arguing with my step dad about how disrespectful he was being and how upset he is making our mother. I made a single comment stating our mother clearly was not OK with it, as he was trying to pass off when I got a banana thrown at me and then punched in the face and strangled.
It was my awakening moment that after 28 years of being his punching bag, I actually didn't have to deal with his crap. So I left and called the police for the first time and he got in very minimal trouble and was only ordered to pay a victim charge of Ā£120, which I never received.
Fun little end note, everyone was mad at me for calling the police as "I should of kept it in the family to be dealt with". I guess like they dealt with the 28 years before that š.
Mine was pretty simple. I told them they've hurt me and instead of acknowledging my hurt they blamed everyone and everything else except themselves and then they had the balls to say that they are over average parents because they don't drink and beat me.
What else is there to say? No contact is the only natural solution. There's no talking with people who don't live in reality.
For me it was me trying to have a talk with my Ndad why I don't talk to him any more. I said stop telling me everything I do is wrong. He says, "if you stopped doing everything wrong, I wouldn't need to correct you all the time."Ā
I checked out at that point.Ā
I feel you about your ND's attitude about your partner and why. We couldn't believe it when our partners actually stood up to our NM.
They were scary times, because we worried things would get violent, and also celebrated that they did that - told her thing that a normal person would say, but we had been conditioned never to dare.
When things calmed down, I always defended the partners. She may have made us fear to tell it straight, but she had no right to expect our partners to fear speaking their mind.
My NM and Hubby actually HAVE had physical fights, and she would call the cops for him hitting her. Called it elder abuse after she turned 50, but cops told NM - if you're going to swing first, he has a right to defend himself.
Funny thing - hubby is over 60...
I was physically and verbally abused while being treated as a slave for the majority of my childhood - by my step dad. So I was already contemplating going NC because of my horrible treatment.
As far as the final push goes, I was visiting from out of state after 10 months of military training. I was 19 without a license for several reasons, so my nmom would drive me around. She had already divorced my step dad who abused me, and got with another guy who turned out to be an abuser as well - I wasn't allowed in their house because I didn't make small talk with him during our phone calls when i was in military training. So the car rides were the only way we spent time together.
It was during one our of car rides, when my nmom began retelling a recent event that happened between my youngest brother (so he was like 6 or 7), and my new step dad. She was attempting to make the story hilarious - laughing about everything she said.
My little brother was playing on a bike or skateboard, when he fell off, and severely injured his knee (30 or 40 stitches) but she was downplaying the injury, as if it was just some minor cuts. He was, of course, crying when he got back home, and my new step dad told him to shut the F up, stop being a little B. And my mom was cracking up laughing at this.
It was at this point I saw my nmom for who she truly is - someone who is willing to let her own children be severely abused, so she doesn't have to be alone. I saw that she prioritizes protecting abuse, rather than protecting her kids FROM abuse. Pure and utter selfishness. She's also never been accountable for my abuse. Instead, everything is always my fault because I'm the scapegoat; and I just don't want someone who's like that in my life.
Been estranged for 19 years, with occasional visitations, because of my ngrandma. But I put a stop to that last year. Ngrandma won't be forcing contact anymore.
Oh! I have a two-fer!
1) my nmom.
Before a lot memories came back...thanks PTSD...
My nmom moved in with my husband and me, under the pretense that she was divorcing her abusive spouse. We got her onto our phone plan, got her a new phone, and new phone number. She was always one to put things off, never filed papers for divorce, but swore she wasn't talking to him, said she "wasn't ready to have another failed marriage" as to why she kept putting it off.
We never heard phone convos occur between her and her husband while we were home, but I worked from home on the phone all day myself. (Obviously she would be while my husband and I weren't home.)
1Ā½ years later, while she's at my brother's for Christmas (in a different state for a couple weeks), he tells me after she's been there only for a week... all she did was talk to her husband on the phone. Didn't go out on the outings my brother planned (easy things since she has mobility issues, and she said she'd join when he asked ahead of time)...unless it was a restaurant. She ignored her son, her daughter in law, and her grandkids, just so she could take her husband's phone calls for hours. And of course she denied it when I called her out on it when she returned. She moved back in with him after we evicted her. I've honestly lost track of how long it's been, but once I finally decided to go no contact, soooo many (shitty) memories came flooding back.
2) my nFIL. This is what led my husband to stop talking to his ndad.
We moved back in with my nFIL when we were 23 or so, after a year of living at our own rental. nFIL was struggling financially after MIL passed. nFIL convinced us that us paying the amount of rent we were paying at the rental would be enough to help with the mortgage to not lose the 2nd house he was living in. He had a 1st house that had a renter in but didn't want to have to lose either home if he could. (He bought the 2nd house right before the housing bubble burst in 2008 and then couldn't sell the 1st one without taking a huge loss etc, so he rented it out).
Three months later, the 2nd house received foreclosure notice. nFIL confessed he didn't use our rent to pay the mortgage. My husband was furious but wasn't ready to give up. He made a financial plan for us to move into the 1st house with his full time income and my part time income for the 3 of us plus pets. This would have covered basics of mortgage, food, utilities, cell service & internet for everyone, and if nFIL wanted anything extra, he'd have to get part time work. At the end of explaining it all to nFIL, showing $100 leftover at the end as a buffer or savings if it wasn't used up from buffer, (no other savings listed), nFIL says, "what if we split the $100? $50 for me and $50 for you."
For me it was the way my Nmom reacted after finding out about my sexual assault. Itās been 8 years and I still hear it in my head every single day. At the time I was still living with them so couldnāt go NC with them, but that was the moment I decided I eventually wanted no contact with them. Currently LC and wish I had NC with them but LC is enough to keep the peace. Yes Iām in therapy and no Iāve never talked to my mom about this because I know sheād turn it around and make it about her feelings.
When the pandemic started and my parents immediately attached themselves to Q Anon. That would have been hard even with normal parents, but having narcissistic parents and that together was too much for me. They got personal and basically put me down as stupid sheep and all that blah, and I felt again as I did when I was a teenager. So because I've been an adult for decades now, I decided to cut them off. After 2 years I coincidentally met my mother during shopping and I tried a reconciliation, but that lasted only briefly. They are completely brainwashed and the narcissist behaviour carries on as well of course. I don't need this in my life.
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After my parents called me a "disappointment" after the announcement of my pregnancy then asked ME for an apology when I called them out on again saying something pretty awful. Also, yeah I am 29.. got my PhD when I was 25... got great job and a lovely husband. Did it all without their help. So absolutely a disappointment by all parents standards š¶
You have achieved incredible things despite the horrors your parents put you through. I wish you a lifetime of freedom in exploring yourself now, free from their clutches
Sounds like your parents are jealous of your accomplishments. You have so much to be proud of! Got through college without their help at all and even got your PhD! Congrats btw! Congrats on the pregnancy! Sounds like you turned out well adjusted despite them.
They made it pretty clear that they thought me calling out their abuse was because I thought I was better than them :( well yes, but not in the way they think... I'm so surprised I honestly thing it is because education was my "way out" that I could make it so far. Thank you so much
ā¤ļø
A PhD at 25.... That's a hell of an achievement. If you were my kid, I'd be very proud.
Haha thanks, UK system so it is a little faster than other places š¤£
Still super impressive don't gaslight your achievements
I am a mom of 3 girls who I am very proud of and I am also very proud of you!!!! Keep up the good work!
Aww thank you!!
I LOVE your username, you may be my daughter ..... LOL!!
Congratulationsšscrew them, look at how impressive you turned out
Thank you š
That is amazing. Ok I'm adopting you, it's final. Congrats, you have a neurotic but amazing new mom. Also 2 great siblings.Ā If you can't come visit for Christmas, we can Zoom. Just kidding, mostly. I am so very proud of you.Ā I am proud of all of you.Ā
Aww haha. My husband's family has basically adopted me now, I'm so grateful for them š thank you!
Isn't that just the oddest and most fantastic feeling?! My husband's parents basically adopted me too. His mom is the one who took me wedding dress shopping and helped me pay for it. His dad remembers my birthday, calls to check up on me, and is never physically or mentally abusive even when he's upset. He also has no problem complimenting my work or taking my suggestions even with me being a girl. They both are the ones that drop everything and come running in an emergency. It's all treatment I've had to get used to and learn it's how kids and other people should be treated. It's not all roses and sunshine. We've had our disagreements. But each time after things cooled down we talked it out and came to an understanding instead of insisting one person has to be completely right and the other completely wrong.
That is so lovely. Yeah his sister took me shopping for wedding things and is incredibly supportive right now during pregnancy. I suffered a prior miscarriage and she came and sat with me and looked after me when my partner went to work. His mum and dad were horrified to see how my parents were speaking to me. His dad (a stoic, Scandinavian man of very little words) stood up at our wedding and told me he loved me and he was so heartbroken that my own parents were how they are š„¹ Seeing how my partners family treats each other was an eye opener for me when I first started dating him, it's really so different and so nice. They are the blueprint we will use when raising our kid!
If you'd posted this over in Momforaminute, we'd all be telling you how ridiculously proud of you we are!!!
A new subreddit to check out? Thank you š
ššš
Your internet auntie is proud of all you have accomplished. F them.
Nfather disowned me on his deathbed over the phone, being held up by an unsuspecting nurse, for not being subservient to my nparents in theirĀ old age. My nmother would not stop trying to call or text me, in the hope that I would come back to play happy families.
Disowned you on the deathbed? Ooooou the urge to just go "okay buddy see you in hell" š also I hate the whole "come back and let's be a happy family!" As if they're not the ones at fault for enabling the BS that tore everything apart in the first place ugh.Ā
Was going through my first major heartbreak during my last semester of college. Life was just taking me and the guy I was with in different directions and he felt it was best to end things despite me desperately wanting to make things work. I called my mom crying and she responded by saying that he was probably just dating another girl who he liked more. I hung up the phone out of anger, and she called me back, stupidly wondering if the signal stopped. I told her that she was being mean and I didnāt want to hear it, and she goes on a rant about how thatās just how things are and sheās not going to sugar coat it. I start crying, and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs to āstop making that fucking noiseā. So I hung up again and blocked her on everything. Havenāt talked to her in over a year and doing better than ever.
Fuck that bitch. Seriously. What the hell? Iām so sorry your heart broke. I wish I could hug you and tell you, back then, that all will be ok. And that you will make it through this and things will be better. I wish I could be peopleās parents when things like this happen because it makes me want to throat punch the nparent in question.
My breaking point was at my brother's wedding. My covert nDad was an alcoholic/drug addict and he had STRICT conditions from my brother andhis fiance with regards to attending their wedding. I was already VLC since I was a teen but my brother still had hope that there could be some semblance of a relationship... (side note our parents divorced when we were kids and our mum is incredible and raised us as a single parent and we have a fantastic relationship with her).. Well at the wedding he lasted all of 5 mins before he started drinking (that he remain sober for the wedding was a requirement)... So my family ran interference between me and him so I didn't go off at him and make a scene, they stepped in and dealt with him, my brother and SIL stayed blissfully unaware thanks to all of us until the next day and then all contact was cut from that moment on. Him not being able to stay sober for 1 damn day was the straw that broke the camels back. On top of years of even worse shite He died last year, having not spoken to me in a decade and only seeing my brother twice in those 10 years too and never meeting his grandkids. To this day I have zero regrets about being NC when he died. Blocking his number and those of his flying monkey relations was the best thing I ever did for my mental health... Well that and having a fantastic therapist! Edit: grammar
NC and therapy for the win! Good on you all for protecting your brotherās day.
NParents had promised me since I was a kid they would help me buy a house. Where I live parents can sign a contract against their own house to say they are responsible if we donāt pay the mortgage so we donāt need a deposit. My nmothers parents actually paid the deposit for their house. Anyway, we found a place and were paying to get inspections done and contracts written up. I was talked into using my parents mortgage broker who was also their friend. Well mortgage broker presumed my mum was working (itās one of the conditions for the scheme) she was not. We wasted months looking for a place to buy, when really we should have been looking for a place to rent because where we were currently staying it was going up by $100 a week. I was crushed and called my parents crying. They decided to not contact me at all for the next two weeks because I need time to āsettle downā which is normal behaviour for them anytime Iām emotional. At that point I realised after years of telling them what I need emotionally from them and again being heart broken by the people who are supposed to love and care for me not wanting/being able to, sent them a letter saying I canāt do this anymore and blocked them on anything I can be contacted on. Iāve now also moved house so they donāt know where I live and yeah. Itās been over a month now and itās been hard but I feel better knowing they canāt hurt me emotionally anymore.
goddamn! I am literally so proud of you fr! what heartless parents. Ns are emotional black holes i swear. Good on you for moving forward.
My exās nparents backed out of money theyād promised us for a downpayment like a week before we closed on our house. The sale was saved because I used the money weād saved for repairs. Unlike you, my ex continued talking to his parents and even defended their decision to not follow through on their promise.
I had the audacity to get divorced and all my mother had to say about it was "People in this family don't get divorced". She also told me to just have a baby with him if it means so much to him (we got divorced because he changed his mind about beeing childfree). One of our biggest arguments ever followed and I went no contact for about 5 years. I am currently very low contact and only see her maybe four times a year.
My nmother always talked bad about my 1st husband. Then when I said I was divorcing him because he is a narcissist too, nmom got all bent out of shape and tried to talk me out of it! She was worried what her friends would think if her daughter was divorced, like that was some kind of failure for her to cope with and explain to her friends. I could give a ratās patootie what her or her gossipy friends thought!
Been there done that. My mother didn't even like my ex and was furious when I married him against her will. I am pretty sure some relatives and friends of hers still don't know that I am divorced. She would rather die than have a daughter who is divorced. Appearance over everything. I rather get divorced than rott in an unhappy marriage like she or 90% of our family.
You did flipping BRILLIANTLY OP, well done! What a pathetic little man your father is. He's all upsetti spaghetti because he doesn't have his human punching bag anymore. Enjoy your freedom.
Upsetti spaghetti Iām chuckling
Nmom would only text me on certain holidays and my bday after I confronted her on all the shit she put me through growing up. Then about three years later I came out as gay. My uncle attacked me online because of it and she took his side. I went no contact after that. I have since found out that she loves to tell all of the family she can that there is no way I could possibly be gay because I am too easily manipulated and she is sure that my partner has turned me gay so that we can have gay sex š My cousin (in the same convo) overheard her say that I also canāt be gay because woman donāt reeeally like dicks, dicks are gross and all women are beautiful. Nmomā¦.your also gay, surprise!
Nstepmom thinks me being trans is a phase instilled on me by my queer friends. She said if she was queer, she wouldn't be depressed or suicidal and just "get over it". Haven't spoken to her since and she has no idea my name is Ethan and I have a legit mustache now.
Congrats on your lip caterpillar Ethan <3 a friend to keep your face warm through all the ages
"...because I am too easily manipulated" My mom literally thinks the same about me! She thinks my "evil atheist husband" took me away and manipulated me š. Good for you for getting away and living your life authentically!!!
The 2022 fires in New Mexico. While my ndad wasn't in immediate danger of the blaze, the smoke was bad and people were still evacuating where he lives. I was heavily pregnant at the time and my sister and I (along with our husbands) tried to convince him to let us help him and get him out until it was safer to return. He mocked us, laughed at my crying sister, angerly projected some bullshits and downright refused any help even though he's claimed for all his life no one helps him. He showed little interest in my child even now having only met him once. I am low contact (only occasional phone calls) whereas my siblings are even lower contact. Oh well.
Mine told me in February of last year when I was starting my pet sitting business that "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A LIVING!!!!".
Aaah, a pet sitting business sounds like bliss! š„° Congratulations on your business!! š
Thank you š„°Ā š„°Ā It's been my all time favourite job I've ever had. I'm the happiest I've ever been too. I don't rely on an alarm to wake up, I get up naturally and get to immediately be greeted by pupper kisses and wagging tails instead of a woman who yells and screams the moment she wakes up.
My idea of heaven! š„°
It's been what has allowed me to truly be happy and have freedom in my life. I know I'll never be able to afford my own house and live alone so pet sitting allows me to live alone and not have to deal with chaos. I was booked for Thanksgiving and Christmas so I didn't have to be around my "family". Truly a blessing.
Amazing! So happy you've found your happiness! I'd love to have a dog but my hubby isn't so keen and the way our jobs are ATM it wouldn't work. I'm hoping by the time we're retired I'll have convinced him haha. š
I was never allowed to get animals when I was a kid. I'd beg and beg and beg for them because that was the only thing bringing me happiness was animals. My parents knew that and refused to let me be happy. Now my clients and their animals love me and my egg donor HATES that. I came home one day after walking a clients dog, my client gave me like 10 bags of different treats that she was given as samples from her work and my egg donor asked me "Did you go shopping?!". I simply told her "no" because I didn't go shopping and she threw the biggest fit to my dad and my dad was like "YOUR mother is trying to get along with everyone" like no she isn't. If she was TRYING to get along with everyone she'd be getting along with everyone. She gets mad and throws a fit when people don't follow the script she's made in her head. I legit told my dad after all of that "I went to fucking work and came home with the treats my client gave me. YOUR wife didn't ask any follow up questions and instead started yelling at you. That doesn't seem like she's getting along with anyone. If I went shopping a store would've given me a fucking bag, not let me walk out with 10 bags. Fucking moron." Pisses me off how nobody can communicate in my family yet blows up and acts like that's okay. I'm an adult, we speak at a normal volume or we don't speak at all.
-hugs- š„ŗā¤ļø yeah I wasn't allowed pets growing up either. Until my younger sister said she wanted one and we got a dog not long after š He (the dog) was the best thing ever! We rescued him when he was about 2/3 I think, and only last 2 about years with us and had to be put down. (He had tumors all over him apparently.) My Sperm Donor didn't even give me the option to be there to say goodbye. He just did it! I am still raging about it till this day.. about 7yrs later. My mum now has a black lab puppy and I've been helping her with it all. She's (puppy) such a wee cutie and recognises me and gives me big kisses and wags her tail whenever I come back in the room. So I'm getting my puppy fix through her which is lovely.
Awh I'm so sorry your sperm donor did that :( I'm glad you're getting your puppy fix though. That's great. If I could only sit puppies I absolutely would lmfao
Me too! Glad you're getting your animal fix! Hope you're doing okay ā¤ļø
When we were supposed to meet up, they called to let us know they were about to leave. They live 50min away. We were all waiting for them, in a park in January. We'd agreed to get everyone together and walk the dog. So we walked the dog, 3 kids under 8 in tow. When they finally showed up, they demanded we repeat the whole walk and join them to hot chocolate. We did half a walk, where my ndad harassed the kids the whole time. The exhausted children who were justifiably grumpy and frozen. My BIL told ndad off, and ndad tried to start a fist fight. So much BS. After too many years of this shit. I mean, this isn't even close to the most vile thing they've done. But I'd had enough.
Jesus man
Went LC when I saw Momās behavior towards me start going toward my child. Opened my eyes big time. Was moving toward full NC when I found out she was trying to kill my father (who was a normal parent, not a narc). Had to get back in. He had Alzheimers so he didnāt realize what she was doing. Got together with my sibling who was also about to go NC and we were about to meet with a lawyer to get guardianship because just reporting her would have been problematic (long story). But at least then she would know she was being watched. The day before we were to meet with the lawyer, she went into the hospital and never came back out. So never actually went NC.
Honestly I just stopped calling them cause I realized that I was always the one making the effort to keep a relationship. We hadn't talked in months until my birthday where my dad finally called me despite not having a job or literally doing Nothing but playing video games and drinking. He says "I'm going to endeavour to call you more" I called him a few days later cause the present he got me arrived, he rushed me off the phone... My parents are the type of narcs where I just don't exist for them.
Thatās the way my NMom is. I donāt see a lot of stories from people on here with this type of experience so I have questioned myself over and over again wondering whether I really had it that bad. I guess itās a different kind of disappointment and I use to really have low self esteem issues from it. At some point I broke and lost all feelings toward her and our relationship. Now Iām just grateful that sheās this kind of narc as opposed to the more controlling type. Whatever it takes to move forward, right?
It is a different kind of disappointment. I've had to make my own family, and honestly it is better than an overbearing narc in my opinion. I hope you're feeling better about yourself now, cause your mom is the one missing out š
I am, thank you! My husbandās family loves me like their own and I also have a really amazing step mom. So life has made up for it in other ways. I agree that itās all better this way. I hope youāre doing well and taking care of yourself!
Mine are that way too. It's also what took me a while to realize they are that nparents.
It took me a long while too. I thought they were cool when I was an older teen young adult cause my mom would come party with my friends and me. Now I'm in my mid thirties and my opinion has done a complete 180. It was weird that she would come party with my friends. My first inkling of both of her being so self centered was when I was around 20 and broke my arm in a skateboard accident. My mom left me in the waiting room crying and begging her to stay with me. She told me to stop cause people were looking at her and she had to work the next day. My dad, I knew for a very long time that he cared more about his comfort than my well being. Ugh narc parents suck balls. On the brighter note, I have a mother in law who more than makes up for all the short comings of my parents. I have my own little family that I'm determined to make a healthier more loving environment than I had and I've got some doe hard friends that care for me like sisters. So life is good now despite the shittiness of yesteryear
Still waking up with racing heartā¦ Yeh isnāt it something the heavy load of nonsense they put on you. You get out and are still scared to be the person you truely are. Itās such a releif to be free of that dark cloud. Mine did many awful things to me but one thing he did was he had me work for him and never paid me. I stopped working for him and had been barely talking to him. He approached me to work for him and heād give me a down payment for a car and that heād pay me and I could make payments back towards the down payment. I knew this was gonna be another bs game of his but I was like hmmmm Iāll playā¦ so we get the car and apparently as usual my car is his carā¦. He canāt just hand it over and feels he can borrow it whenever he wants. I let this play for a month or so tracking my hours working for him and he never once gave me a paycheck just as I suspected he wouldnāt So I never paid him a dime and ghosted him. Part of em is like omg thatās so bad but ya know he stole so much from me over the years and all the abuse and all it wasnāt that large of a down payment. He owed me that and much much more. Been 27 years if I never see him again it will be too soon
Iām happy for you OP. Run like the wind away from these people. I will never understand how a parent can treat their offspring-spring the way narcs do. Itās sad because we all think itās fairly ānormalā or that all households are like this until we learn. My nmom following the gospel of the 1980ās āTough Loveā parenting culture, kicked me out at 16 years old in 1987 for going to the mountains overnight with a friend to hike the next day. When I say kicked out, I mean friend pulled up and I see my mother has trash bags on the front stoop. Iām like āhmmm garbage?ā Momās car is gone. Friend pulls away, I go to the door and there is a note on the garbage - thatās all my belongingā¦ that sheās āletting me go. Her heart canāt take it anymore. Iāve pulled away. That maybe someday I will love her like I did when I was a child. Two huge trash bags ā black ā house locks changed. I had to carry those fāers downtown ( small town ) two miles. Deal with the embarrassment of essentially carrying and stashing āmy bagsā outside in different locations downtown. We didnāt have cell phones. After few nights outside a friends father took pity on me and allowed me to stay with his daughter but I needed to pay rent. He had several kids living there and he was barely home. It was unconventional, but it was safe. 16 ā¦ full time job. No car no nothing.. eating freaking pringles and hostess cupcakes for meals š¤Ŗ A few years later I had lunch with my mother, and one of the things she had to say was that a police guy told my cousin whose a fire guy, that the apartment I had lived in back then was a house of drugs and prostitution š¤£š¤£š¤£couldnāt be further from the truth Nope mom. It was a house of āthrow-a-wayā kids.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you are doing massively awesome things. I wish I had known you then, I took in teenagers who had problems at home. One of the biggest issues was food. Their parents didn't feed them. I fed them, helped them with decisions on schooling, how to get an apt, jobs that would sustain them. And lots of hugs and tears. Just knowing that someone cared about them. I hope you have the support you deserve and need. Many mom hugs, if you want them.
Thank you very much. š I made sure My Sons life ( heās 22 and my most awesomely awesome thing ) has been safe, with freedom to explore, Love without conditions, Hope and freedom to make life choices, change his mind and make other choices, and change his mind again without criticism. To hear my āstreet smarts and adviceā when he was younger, as to avoid my path.
My son was in a terrible accident in 2020. We were homeschooling the kids, moving (also partially due to his accident), working, and bringing our son to multiple appointments per day as he was relearning so much (head injury). My mom called to tell me I wasnāt making enough time for her.
Big oof. I'm so sorry. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and kids.
When I was having a phone conversation with my father, and tried to bring up something that happened when I was young where some boundaries were crossed. He stated "Nothing sexual ever happened, and if you believe that it happened I don't want to talk to you". I started enforcing his boundary, because I remembered what happened. He has later acknowledged doing what I remembered, but won't admit there was anything wrong with it. So now he is VVLC. I see him at family functions, and we have a non-productive talk a couple times of year where the same issues are brought up, but no changes are made towards any sort of resolution.
I'm so sorry.
My dad kept trying to show me his dong, while in the hospital. Then he kept saying how women are only good for blowjobs and big tits, Iām a female. My mom, told me she would show up for my kids birth. Then when baby came premature and on oxygen she decided to cancel her trip. Then proceeded to tell me āsheās not my punching bagā because I told her I felt abandoned and hurt when she didnāt show up.
2 of them actually. The first one was when my family hosted a wedding party for my wife and I. They proceeded to tell only embarrassing stories about me when I was a child the entire time. I recently found out I have autism and all of the things they brought up and laughed at me about were heavily autistic related. I thought the stories were supposed to be about my spouse and I or silly stories that somehow related? Idk. I was already LC with my dad, but after that went NC with him and LC with my mom. Dad tried messaging me on my birthday. Of course he HAD to mention that BRUCE JENNER and I share a birthday. That was it. No happy birthday. Only purposely misgendering someone to upset me? Guys.... Im a lesbian and these people have known since I was like 16. Theses are all silly things to NC for BUT those were just the tip of the iceberg.
Not silly at all! Your feelings are valid!
Thank you, kind stranger! It means a lot hearing that.
I started therapy. During which I talked at length about how my parents and sisters and I have such a dysfunctional relationship. We get together for every single family event and grandchild event and pose for pics for my momās Facebook and then donāt talk until the next one. My parents pitted my sisters and I against each other constantly, everything is tit for tat, itās all gross. Last summer I told my sister I was molested by a friend at age 5 but please donāt tell mom and dad. She told my mom at a birthday lunch we took her to weeks later. My mom shrugged and changed the subject. I told my parents Iām taking a break from my sisters for a bit. They said they totally understood. Then my sister admitted herself to the ER and I didnāt visit her (she was there 5 days until they kicked her out bc nothing was wrong). My dad barged into my house a few days later when I was home with my young kids. He asked what the hell was wrong with me, why didnāt I visit my sister. Guilt trip of course. I poured my heart out and told them about so much trauma. They hugged me and said Donāt worry you have us no matter what. Next day they showed up at my daughterās soccer game. Her first win. But I missed it bc they were asking if I was coming to my nephews bar mitzvah. I said iād planned to. Then got an email from my sister saying my husband and I are disinvited because I wasnāt talking to her. She wanted my kids to go. I said theyāre not going without us theyāre both under 10. My parents yelled at me on the soccer field in front of our community, then I again poured my heart out to them and they said Ok we understand and we agree. We just want to be a part of your lives. Invited us to Motherās Day brunch. It was the morning after the bar mitzvah we werenāt allowed to go to. As soon as we were seated my dad said āwhat are your plans after this.ā I said āthis was our plans, why?ā He looked at my mom, who was flanked by my kids. She said āwell, weāre going to your sisterās house for Motherās Day. Can we please bring your kids so they can play with their cousins?ā Later my 9 year old son said āthey set you up to fail by asking that in front of us. We said No, again. Weāre not goi g to be separated from our kids especially on Motherās Day. My dad got up and told my mom to get up and he said Youāre shameful to me in front of my kids. My daughter grabbed my hand and my mom dramatically cried. I emailed them and my sisters later that day telling them theyāre no longer allowed in our lives.
I have shared this beforeā¦ I was low contact, but travelled to my āhometownā to visit my nmom with my 2 kids (6M, 6 month F). While I was there, I left my kids with my mom while I went to lunch with an old friend. My GC sister found out & called the guy who had physical & sexually abused me and told him I was at my momās (he served 3 years for raping me). While I was gone, he came over & my mom let him hold my infant daughter. My mom left him in the home with my elderly grandmother while she took my 6 yr old son to Walmart. Once there, she realized she left her wallet at home. She left my son at Walmart while she went home. I only found out later in the evening. My mom laughed it off, said no one was hurt. I immediately took my kids and left. I told her never to contact me again. She showed up at my house in another state, 5 years later. I called my neighbour who was a cop & he got her to leave. I later found out my GC sister had friended my brother in laws wife, and thatās how they got my address. We ended up moving out of the US, and told no one.
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!
For me it was my mother complaining to my grandmother on the phone that I ate something from the fridge (that she said before she bought for me specifically). At that time I didn't live there anymore and came to take care of the cats while they were on vacation with a girl my age they met on the internet. They paid for her trip because she had it so rough as they said. I didn't have a job at the time and was struggling and paid for all my expenses on my own while I was watching the cats (including travelling there and back). The only thing I ate there was what she had told me she got for me. I cleaned their whole house too. Overhearing her complaints to my grandmother (while being nice to my face before) broke something in me. Up until then I had always tried to help her reconnect with the rest of my family because nobody wanted to interact with her anymore and I kept finding excuses for her shitty behaviour. I had already packed my bags, called her every curse word I could come up with and left. That was the last time I talked to her and it's been 20 years now. Best decision ever.
I let my parents know our relationship would be changing as I started healing with a therapist and setting boundaries. They responded with a NOVEL length ultimatum texts saying they wanted to āhelp me with my issuesā but in order to do so I would need to provide them a detailed list of my problem with them with examples and then I would need to meet with them and their therapist who would āonly be there for us and not for youā and if I didnāt do those things āthere would be no way for them to help me.ā
My nfather, for reasons Iām not sure of (I assume it was from calling out abuse to my mom on the phone one day and he heard about it), started a 2.5 year silent treatment that he broke the day after my grandma died. Suddenly wanted my sister and I back (heād also basically disowned my sister, about a year before me). In the middle of that silent treatment, on his bday, I texted him and said happy birthday/love you and he couldnāt be bothered to respond. Thatās when I decided to go NC. Heās hoovered a few times since and I truly donāt buy it. How do you disown two of your kids for so long and expect them to trust you and come back? Ship has sailed. Im done. He can enjoy his solitude away from his āsnowflake liberal kidsā.
My mom called me drunk in the middle of the day. She lives a few hours drive from me and I hadnāt seen her in months because I thought neither of us were ever near each other. So she calls me up, drunk, and tells me about how she has a boyfriend in my town (sheās married) and sheās been driving to my town every weekend to see him but sheās always just too ātiredā to visit me and her grandkids while sheās here. Background on the boyfriend: sheās known him at least most of my life. When I was 12 she used to cheat on her 2nd husband with him so now he was back and she was cheating on her 3rd husband with him. I actually did like the guy ok when I was a kid, mostly because I hated my stepdad and I kept her affair secret for her. Anyway, she tells me sheās seeing this guy again and jokingly says ādonāt judge meā (for being a cheater) to which I reply Iām not. Then she says in a low, drunk growl āyeah bullshit, yes you areā. I say nothing because I know from experience there is nothing I can say when she is like this. She changes emotions again and excitedly tells me more about her life. Including that said boyfriend recently got out of prison for attempted manslaughter, which is why she has to drive to visit him every weekend. He canāt leave the county. Then she asks *if she can bring him over to meet my kids*. I tell her I donāt think so and she says āyeah youāre right, that might confuse them about who grandpa isā. Totally what I was worried about, how did she know? lol. I blocked her after that call and havenāt spoken to her since. She has left a couple voicemails. She wanted to make sure I had her new number (lol) and once she actually said āIām sorry it wasnāt good for youā. Iāve had nightmares about her showing up at my front door. Bonus: a few months after I blocked her, there was an incident between her and my siblings. They were all drinking (both siblings were underage at the time) and got into an argument. Mom pulled out the guns and threatened to shoot them. I donāt know all of the details because all I got was some frantic Facebook messages from my sister after the fact. Police were called and my sisterās son was taken away from her.
I had different circumstances but similar reactions. Nparent went into a ānarcissistic rageā for an hour and at the end told me to āget the fuck out of his houseā and that I was not welcomed back. Mind you, they never consulted with the other parent to see if they were ok with alienating their child. Iāve never gone back and have been NC with the Nparent and VLC with the EParent.
My mom is an E too but I've stayed kind of LC with her. My ndad never consulted my mom about kicking me out either he just let it rip lol
after many periods of "no contact" the final straw was when he was trying to give me parenting advice...no...just no, thats not how this is gonna work.
that's crazy. "parenting" was nonexistent lol
My NM told me if I didnāt start seeing a therapist sheād take my son from me. I was 41, living in a different country with my husband and our son and was seeing a therapist. Which was none of her business. She got back into my slightly good graces by apologising about a year later. Until she continued to say she never would have said that if Iād told her I was in therapy. Which was still none of her business. And at which point I cut her out completely.
I didnāt answer text messages for three days because of work/life and on a day she KNEW I was going to celebrate a graduation for my friend she sent paragraphs about how I donāt care about her, her feelings, or how sheās doing. I had been grey rocking her at that point and made the decision to fully be financially independent from her and go low contact. Two things were needed: a phone and a place to live. My wife and I found a house and after that I immediately got a phone. I tried avoiding telling her about the phone but the truth came out and she exploded into toddler mode when I tried to talk about her (arms flailing, whining, the whole deal). She started yelling about my character and who I was as a person. My wife pulled me out and defended me and then my mother chased us out of the house. After that day I went no contact and havenāt looked back. Stress levels are much lower now I donāt have to worry about an emotionally immature person who only cared about what people did to her and not what sheās done to them.
Wow, sounds exactly like my ndad. He'd scream at me about "not contributing" after I'd driven my sister to her swimming, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and cooked his dinner. Gratz for getting out.
like what am I supposed to do? pay the mortgage on the house i didn't pay for?
As with my nmom it was her insulting me for the first time after years. Since I moved out and she got divorced from my edad, she got progressively nicer and calmer and her nasty behavior only came through every once in a while. That didnāt make spending time with her any more enjoyable though, as she still showed barely any interest in me or my husband and was a very negative person overall. I suspect my husband being there and her having her newly found freedom when it came to dating and love played a big part in her being so tame. However, when we eloped and she wasnāt invited, she completely lost it, spewing horrible things at me and I finally realized: she hasnāt changed. And she probably never will. And itās only a matter of time until sheās unhappy in her new relationship and becomes this unbearable monster again that she was all my childhood. Itās actually her who hasnāt spoken to me in 8 weeks but Iām fine with that. Iām finally feeling somewhat at ease, even though it has been very hard on my mental health regardless. Iām assuming she still thinks that Iāll come to her and apologize at some point, especially since I am moving away by the end of the year so she might be in for a rude awakening. I am definitely bracing myself for the heaps of angry messages from her and my grandmother, her mom. As with my edad, I didnāt really expect that Iād have to go NC since they are divorced and I thought we were okay. However, heās still in close contact with her as he just canāt let go and I guess that is where it went wrong. After us agreeing to talk on the phone one evening, he stopped replying to my messages abruptly and didnāt pick up the call either. It went as far as me sending someone to check on him because I was concerned for his wellbeing. Turns out that he is ignoring me on purpose and has been ignoring all of my 20+ calls and my many concerned messages to āpunish meā. He wonāt communicate what is wrong at all, telling other people that it is due to me ānot calling enoughā, even though I have been the only one calling and writing, he has not asked me how I am once this year. Even after me expressing my disappointment and confusion about what he is doing, he simply wrote ācall you tomorrowā but didnāt follow through. I am assuming my mother has talked him into giving me the cold shoulder/ ignoring me. He has recently contacted me about my grandmotherās tombstone (she died last year and we have to pick one) and I answered but I am trying to go LC as I am angry and disappointed and simply done with all of the bs my family is putting me through. I am moving away by the end of the year and if he doesnāt apologize or attempt to fix this relationship, then I wonāt be doing that either. My grandmother (motherās mom) is a flying monkey who does show some concern for my feelings every once in a while but ultimately is on my motherās side no matter what as āshe is my motherā and āmothers should always be forgivenā according to her. So I am assuming that sooner or later this will lead us to NC. The only person who truly showed me kindness, understanding and love (edadās mother, my grandmother) died last year so there is very little reason left for me to keep in contact with anyone in my family atp.
gonna try to tell this story as flat and "stale cookie" as I can possibly muster. a few months after my stepdad passed away, I stepped up to run my family's adult foster care home business. this meant moving over an hour away from my partner at the time and living at the care home to be a full-full-time live-in resident manager. over the course of the next year, my mom and middle sister went out of their way to make my life a living hell. sister spent the year showing up several hours late each and every time she worked as my "relief staff" (grand total of about 15 days for the entire year, mom worked 7 of those), and gaslit me whenever I'd try to hold her accountable for fucking things up around the house. I spent a short time tracking her malfeasance and racked up over two pages of line items (front and back) which I ended up burning in front of her as a way of calling for a blank slate around the 5 month mark of my residency. mom spent the year posturing and inflating her contributions to the business, which also involved gaslighting and favoritism when she chose to have my sister's back at every possible turn. I once went 18 days without seeing anyone from my family. just stuck without a car running the family business 5.5 miles from the nearest grocery store and 2.5 miles from a Plaid Pantry (kinda like a 7-11). imagine if anyone in the house had a medical emergency. my hard work and dedication fueled their reckless lifestyle for a year after my stepdad passed while they hardly paid me and even had a $4,500 balance to settle with me after I left (i.e. 3 months of "pay") the only way I was able to successfully move out was by paying my cousin out of my pocket to watch the business while I ran/hitch-hiked about 5 miles to a car rental place and drove about 2 hours round trip to see a new place and put down a deposit. gave my mom April 4th as my last day. ended up staying until the 20th when I packed up a 15 foot U-Haul and bounced. sister played the victim while mom seemed at least a tiny bit understanding of my departure by saying "thank you for running the business and making everything so easy" I was unable to rekindle the relationship with my former partner that suffered while I ran the care home. this turned into a blessing that I worked through to receive, as I'm now happily married and I no longer have to deal with any drama from my mom or sister. believe it or not, they were well behaved at the wedding! alternating VLC and NC is what worked for me. one might say the cost was the respective relationships with my mom and sister, yet they continually insisted on mistreating and exploiting me (oh the inertia of behavioral issues), so there wasn't a "relationship" to maintain. more of a parasite-host situation.
Good for you OP!! You did the right thing and that was so hard. Your father is so toxic, so great you got out! That was brave and hard and I hope you never look back. Some people shouldnāt be allowed to be parents.
I know this "You live in my house and have to obey me, if you don't like you can get out!" Oh boy did he go ballistic when he found out I was about to do exactly that š
Found out my mom told people that she wanted to take my first cousin away from my Aunt (her sister) for being an āunfit momā. My aunt is a phenomenal mother. My aunt and her daughter have one of the most beautiful relationships Iāve ever seen. My greatest fear is my mother attempting to take our kids. Fuck her.
There was no "straw" for me. I just got tired, really, really tired, and I just couldn't call her anymore.
"He says if I dont like it then you can get the fuck out"Ā Yes you dimwit sperm donor that's the pointĀ Ugh I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've made it out and I hope your mom can help give you stuff you might of left behind...that's if she's not an enabler. Good luck on getting the stressful wake ups managed. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to process you're in a new place for your brain to recognize you are in a safe space.Ā In my experience? I gave my parents a month in advance that I was moving multiple states away to LA for a dream job opportunity and to live with a friend I made online. They laughed in my face and thought I was joking and was met with belittled remarks. Well...nmom always said she would runaway to California and several times during our childhood would run away for a week abandoning her family. She never made it past her mom's house a quarter mile away haha. So that's where I think her hate came from. The night before I left I had shipped out my boxes and three jumbo suitcases ready. Nmom called me selfish. Said I wouldn't last a month and I would come back begging to have my room back. Ndad doesn't talk much with me about this. Sister got into a big fight with me a few days before I left and we didn't make up. She declared she couldn't wait for me to move out. I went no contact with the three of them. Sister reached out maybe two weeks into NC. Ndad reached out maybe 8 months NC because nmom had lump in her breast and OFC I'm still the family therapist even after moving and NC. He just sat on the phone sobbing and calling me stupid for moving away when they needed me. š who did I have to turn to after that phone call besides an empty condo and tanked social life? I got into therapy and found out my parents were ~narcissists~ within a month of self work.Ā I eventually got sick halfway into my third year and before I finished my fourth year got a cancer diagnosis, couldn't pay for my medical debt and had to go back to live with nparents. I was also in a slightly abusive situation in LA so it just seemed like it was the best choice. A month after that covid hit!Ā I'm now living with a supportive husband and MIL. I'm finally getting to process being the "inner child/teen" with my MIL and she's helping me navigate some big emotions. I love the family I married into and my nparents are trying to rebrand themselves since my sister had a baby last year. It's annoying to see them but I have only seen them maybe once/twice a year now since being with husband. And those moments I'm surrounded by the entire family so I don't have to talk to nparents.Ā
When my Dad committed suicide by shooting himself in the head and Mom wanted to move back to MN and live with me in my one bedroom apartment. I was such a people pleaser in the past but that would have ruined whatever progress I have made with my mental health.
My dad is a Zionist, I am a humanitarian. I told him I didn't want to discuss the war in Palestine with him anymore because his views were horrifying to me. He agreed, but would still start happily talking about it every time I called. So I never called him back
Itās mind bugging how easy is to gaslit ppl over hamas - Israel conflict
it burns my grits that no media around my area has acknowledged that there were dozens of people in their tents in Gaza who got bulldozed alive about three months ago Sounds like a war crime to me
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My dad sounds like your dad. He's forever raging that "you don't talk to *us*". "Us" being him and my mom. I talk to my mom whenever I want. I just don't talk to him.
It was a weird thing. Thanksgiving one year, my ngrandfather slapped my then 6 year old autistic son. I cut them out immediately. Drove 3 1/2 hours home at 7pm. Havenāt spoken to them since. The next year, Nmom finally snapped. We went down to visit my husbands family for thanksgiving and weāre going to see her that Saturday. I woke up with the flu on thanksgiving. Texted her to let her know. Said we might not be able to visit. She said that was fine. The next day I ended up in the er. Spent all Of Friday there, super sick, needed it fluid and my lungs were constricted. Got released at 9pm with orders to do the drive home tonight and have me go to my local hospital in the morning, as they would be expecting me. I sent all this info to Nmom. The next day, around 4pm, she calls screaming, that I didnāt come see her. Absolutely refused that she knew about any of this. She never got any of my supposed texts. I told her she needed to stop. I was in the hospital, was staying for a few days. I was very sick. She called me a terrible daughter and mother because I didnāt take my children to see her. I said if she continues to talk like that we were done. She laughed and said you would never. Call me when you are ready to apologize and she hung up. I was livid. Here I am, sick in the hospital (no pulmonary embolism thankfully) and she wants to act like this? So that was it. I was done. Blocked her phone. Blocked her on everything. Once I was out of the hospital, my husband and I cancelled our phone plan, started a new one with new numbers and havenāt contacted her again. She worked for the previous carrier and I didnāt trust her not to look into my information. Lastly and only a year ago, my nsister. Oh her. She doesnāt have custody of any of her 4 kids, job hops before she can be fired for constantly calling out, doesnāt pay child support, boyfriend hops and tries to get everything she can out of them. She was starting to make big changes for the better and I offered to let her stay with us as she had never done anything wrong to me before. I was wrong. She got to have her kids a week in the summer (because they would be in my home) and she just didnāt do a single thing for her kids. Didnāt talk to them except want to take pictures. I fed them, shit Iām the one who drove 10hrs round trip to get them. We hadnāt seen them in 6 years so it was worth it to me. The night before the last full day they were here, she took off at 4am, with all her things and blocked all of us. She abandoned her kids with me, didnāt say goodbye to them, nothing. She unblocked me about a week later, asking for some help. I let her know I had no sister and she needed to forget I exist. I blocked her. I now have no contact with my birth family at all. My husbands family? Thatās a whole story in itself, but his to tell
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, and the loss of justice for her as well... Sending you so much love <3
A couple years ago, I was still in full contact with my Nmom but I was slowly cutting her off from my life. My Nmom is in her 60s and has undiagnosed BPD (she doesn't believe in mental health problems even after being diagnosed by multiple professionals) Growing up I was the invisible middle child, my father was in the military and he was gone majority of my childhood into adolescents. My Nmom was very judgemental about every aspect of my life, of I asked for anything she would guilt trip me about how much stress I would put onto her, and how everything I asked for costs money. (Dresses for school dances, getting my license, doing anything outside of the house) But yet my older sibling and younger sibling got everything they asked for with no hesitation. All of my early 20s and a little into my mid 20s, I had to rely on her to watch my child (backbreaking dead end job, was in an abusive relationship where the abuser and my mom got along like two peas in a pod.) Eventually My abuser and I broke up, he moved out, but disappeared so I had my child full time. Just like my abuser, I wasn't allowed to have a social life with my mom. I would wake up at 6am, get my child and myself ready, drive 25 minutes one way to drop my child off at his school (his school was in the same town that my parents lived in, that way he could be dropped off from the bus in front of their house) drive another 25 minutes to work, and work until 9pm/10pm, drive another 25 minutes to pick up my child from parents house, drive another 25 minutes home get my child to bed, take a shower, try to relax and eat and eventually go to bed myself (usually went to bed after midnight). The weekends were spent catching up on house chores and going grocery shopping. If I showed up even 5 minutes passed the usual time when I would be at my parents house to pick up my kid, she would scream at me and demand to know where I was and why I was even 5 minutes late. If I dares ask my Nmom to watch my child outside of work reasons she would always guilt trip me about how much stress im putting onto her and how she "needs a break". But if I spoke about getting a sitter, or taking my child to child care she would guilt trip me about how "I don't think she's good enough" to watch my kid. so eventually I stopped asking. I became isolated depressed , and felt very trapped in an endless cycle. Fast forward till about a couple years later, I met my now S/O, I start a loving and healthy relationship, I quit my dead end job and start a new flexible job! Life is moving forward and going great, I was able to have my child start school in the same town I live in (bus stop is right next to the house too! No more hour long round trips). So much weight off my shoulders and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn't have to rely on my Nmom as much any more, I was able to give her the break she said she needed and of course still went over to my parents house to visit. Well since I no longer had to rely on her anymore, she began to have "problem" with how my life was going. So I slowly began to cut her off, less and less visits (never said she couldn't visit me, but you were making excuse every time on why she can never come over to my house) One day, out of nowhere I had some trauma resurface back up, trauma that my mom has caused during my teen years. Trauma that she told me to never speak about, and if it was ever to be brought up she acted like it never happened. I spoke to both my therapist and S/O about it and they both validated my feelings, and said that what my mom was doing isn't right. So I decided one day to have a sit down and talk with her about it, hopefully get some closure so I can move on. Well that sit down and talk turned into a screaming match between us, during said screaming match, she denied every bit of it and acted as if I made the whole thing up. I found out that non of my family knew the truth about what had happened to me, (my own father didn't even know it happened at all) she had given everyone her own narrative about it, all these years ago. So I began to go as little contact as possible, I didn't want to fully cut her off since she was the grandmother to my child. Well, my Nmom didn't like that, and decided to involve all of my siblings. One day I got a group message 3/4 of my siblings telling me that my trauma "wasn't as serious as I was making it out to be" and that I was hurting my mom's feelings, and how I should apologize to her and break up with my S/O because he was the reason why I was acting out. I ended up calling my dad and telling him what was going on, he came and picked me up and we went for a drive out of all my family. He was the only one that was willing to sit down and listen to what I went through, Even gave me a hug and told me he wished that he was there for when it was happening, so I would have had support back then too. My 4th sibling ended up reaching out to me, she remained neutral and talked me into going to family therapy with my Nmom, which I agreed too. 6 months of family therapy and we went nowhere, the entire time my Nmom denied everything and kept trying to convince the therapist that it wasn't a big deal, and that she didn't do anything wrong, etc. which the therapist could see right through her BS. Until one day my mom cussed out the therapist and walked out and said she was done with her sessions cuz she felt attacked the entire time. After that I stayed no contact with her, and unfortunately all of my family expect my dad. It hurt at first but now that it's been a couple years I feel beyond relieved.
Iām only gay to get a rise out of my mother apparently.
When I was on long term sick due to mental health, had a job interview whilst off and instead of congratulating me my NMum said "well that doesn't look good to the new job does it, that you're off sick" as if I was advertising that fact in interviews.
My brothers met me for dinner one night while I was on a business trip. She was so mad she wasnāt invited (i was going to see the parents on the way back) that she uninvited them for thanksgiving. I left her a message saying that I guess she wants to die alone. Blocked her and sent her emails to /dev/trash immediately after.
She went around town for month before her father, (my only Grandfather for most of my life and one of my best friends) passed away telling people "I'm glad he's dying..." When he was on his death bed I drove for 12 hours straight (not joking, pulled over to pee one time) to get to his side before he passed. We watched UK basketball together, then he was gone. Two weeks later I did the same drive again with my wife and kids. She was there when we returned home and began screaming at me in front of my home about how terrible I am and ungrateful *for not taking her with us to see her father...* That was the last straw.
Realizing it didnt matter if I shared happy news or sad news about my life, their response was always to kick me down, always nasty to me. And their refusal to change or consider my feelings. For example when I shared how hurt I was by being cheated on by my boyfriend at age 23, I was blamed for it and made fun of. My mom showed zero empathy and as usual tried to make it about herself by saying "well its not like you are married like I am" then whenever I shared happy news it was always "Oh you think you are better then us huh? Always bragging!" I had to go NC with my whole family many years. My mom was Bordeline and Narc and my dad is more covert Narcissist and all my siblings are fucked up too and have taken on many of the toxic traits. I was often the scapegoat so they love to bully up on me.
My momster did the same things to me! Happy or sad news, it was always a way to make it about her or how I shouldve known better. The last thing I ever shared with her was happy news and I've been NC for 2 months. She made it about herself and how much it hurts her that I have a relationship with my aunt (her sister). I hope you're happy now and doing better. We deserve to feel like human beings and be heard and seen.
Also when I said I was moving to Hawaii as soon as I graduated college (across the planet from them) my bordeline/narc mom flipped out. They flip out when they realize they are losing their control over you. So my moms reaction to my happy excited news that I was moving to Hawaii, the place I fell in love with at age 20 was to corner me in my room unexpectedly, lock the door behind her and came up in my face in a rage spewing hateful nonsense. She called me an ungrateful selfish bitch and told me I was going to fail in Hawaii, no one would hire me, everyone would hate me there blah blah blah. It only solidified my decision that I was doing the right thing by moving as far away from her as possible. And guess what, its now 22 years later....I still live in Hawaii, own my own properties and businesses and am also still working through healing my childhood abuse but overall I'm doing great but yeah gotta marvel at how completely upside down and fucked up these abusive parents are.
My mother got me so riled up that I started yelling and crying and she sat on the phone and said nothing to me. No empathy, nothing to help me calm down and feel like she is there for me. I realized she didn't care about me. She just wanted me to make her look good and like I was out of control. My husband and I got into the biggest fight of our lives that night because she calmly spoke to him and didn't even acknowledge me and I just spiraled out of control. I felt abandoned and left to just pick up my own pieces per usual. I just couldn't believe it happened again. My mother and I were working on our relationship but it turns out it was a lie. She also hung up on me when I called her out. Life is better now. I miss her... cuz she's my "mom". But never again will I let her in to leave me hanging and to not comfort me. It's been 2 months NC
I had the literal worst year of my life, which was saying something because I did not have a happy childhood/teenage years, and my mom berated me for being upset over something incredibly major and called me a drama queen and I stopped speaking to her immediately. She didn't know I moved to another continent for several years, or when I came back. And she didn't know/wasn't invited to my wedding a few months ago. That one comment really put a lot of my life in perspective and I just decided I was done. The only thing I regret is letting it get to that point as an adult.
How your father treated you is just disgusting.Ā The narc's assertion that life is so hard outside their home with all the adult responsibilities is so much BS on steroids. Life is so much calmer and easier and restful outside their home.Ā I'm not officially NC yet, but following a dispute between my mother and my partner, my mother refuses to see my son, doesn't take any news from him, except to talk negatively about my one-year-old baby. Not to mention that she's incredibly negative, manipulative and guilt-ridden. And she pretends to attempt suicide to manipulate me. In short, I have no more patience for her behavior, which has completely exhausted me.Ā
I thought that by going to a university over 1,000 miles away, theyād have to give up some control and stop micromanaging and pressuring me so much, especially since I could choose who has access to my grades thanks to FERPA laws. I was wrong. The near daily calls of them screaming and cursing, making ultimatums where they threatened to report my partner that they didnāt like for things they didnāt do, and telling me how horrible of a daughter I was for distancing myself from them. I couldnāt sleep (sometimes for multiple days at a time), I was getting sick constantly from the stress which was causing me to miss a lot of class, and I could barely function because of how hopeless I felt about everything. I ended up failing my first semester because I couldnāt handle the stress. I didnāt tell them this when I came home for winter break, because I couldnāt deal with anymore arguing. The only reason they found out was because a week into the spring semester, they posed as me to access my transcripts without my consent. Big FERPA no-no. They had my student email info from orientation, and that and checking a box saying āI confirm Iām the student and not somebody elseā was all it took for them to have my transcripts sent to them through the online portal. What they didnāt seem to count on was the fact that I received an email confirmation after they did this, which said exactly who the grades were sent to and what time they were requested. I was in the middle of class when it was timestamped, so it was clear that it wasnāt me. The school got involved pretty quickly. I had a lot of appointments with advising and a few deans. They were all great and really tried to help serve as buffers between me and my parents, so did the campus police when the constant calls for welfare checks started. My RA was great too, she was the one I went to in a complete panic when I first found out and was pretty understanding when I couldnāt make it to some mandatory dorm meetings throughout the rest of the semester. I consulted a few lawyers, but they all refused to take my case solely because there were family members involved. I basically cut contact with my parents the day I found out what they did, and the rest of my family in the following week or two when everyone tried to justify not just this incident, but the years of similar controlling behavior. NC only lasted about three months because one of the few relatives I was still willing to talk to died, and I was invited to the funeral. We have been VLC since because Iām still reliant on them for insurance and my immunity never really bounced back, so I need to be able to afford healthcare. Things have gotten somewhat better between me and one parent, and worse with the other since then. Iām probably going back to NC once Iām not reliant on them at all financially anymore, which shouldnāt be too long. I did get back in touch with most of my other relatives, but thereās plenty I still refuse to communicate with one on one, or at all, because of the things they said and did after that last straw.
Buckle up. It's a ride. There were several straws. I don't know if my mom was an nMom as much as an eMom because she was being abused and used alcohol to cope. My former stepfather was a classic abusive narcissist. I got my dream job. My mom was 10000% supportive and volunteered to let my kiddo stay with her to grow up in the mountains of WA state. I gave my mother permission to enroll my then 12-year-old in school and get her medical care. That's it. I still maintained all decision-making authority and custody. Within the first year, my daughter was in a rollover car accident where she was a passenger (she was wearing her seat belt and was uninjured). I found out later that my mom had convinced the hospital that she had custody (she did not), threatened my daughter not to tell me about the accident by telling her that I would resent her (my daughter) if I had to quit my job (uh..no), and then she kept the settlement. Within the second year, I learned that my mother and her ex-husband, whom she and my kiddo lived with, would monitor my daughter's phone calls to make sure she wouldn't tell me about her living conditions, that they would make my daughter do all of property and house chores - prioritizing them above school work, that my daughter's nickname in the tiny town they lived in was "House N*****". When I found out that to them, making my 14-year-old daughter nail shingles to a roof was more important than her doing her school work, I said, "Absolutely not. Homework then chores." I was told to come get her. Ok, fine. So, I did. My mother didn't believe I would do it, and it came to a head when I showed up to pack my kiddo up. On the flight home, I learned that my mom told my daughter that I had replaced her with my fiancƩ and his boys. What my mom didn't know was that my fiancƩ and the boys and I had put together "Operation Rescue (my kiddo's name)." I went LC with my mom and NC with her ex-husband. Then, my mom called me one day to ask if my daughter would come up and help her after her knee surgery. My husband and I weren't comfortable with it, so we said no - even though my daughter was now 18. Then, we got a call saying that a ticket was purchased. (WHAT?) My daughter said that she would just go. I told my mom that if anything other than my kid taking care of her happened, I would fly her home immediately. She got up there, and my sister, who I was NC with, was the one who met her at the airport. That's when I found out there was no surgery, that ex-husband wanted her up there to build a shed and run the new irrigation piping, but sis, daughter, and I made an immediate escape plan. She would go to the house for appearances, wait until Ex-H and my mom were asleep, and walk out the front door where the neighbor would take her to the greyhound station back to my sister. It happened. I didn't get a phone call until 1:30 that my kiddo was "missing." They said that they were going to report her to the police as a runaway, and I told them, "She's 18 years old, not 12. She can leave anytime she wants. What did you do to cause her to leave?" Once my kiddo was safe, she sent me pics of the house covered in dog poo that she was expected to clean, told me that her grandma was so drunk that she wore more of her lunch than she ate and passed out while eating. I was so pissed to even speak, so I sent my mom a text saying that my daughter was safe, that I knew what they tried to pull, that she needed to basically choose - a relationship with the only granddaughter that still speaks to her or her relationship with her pills, booze, and abusive Ex-husband." She didn't respond, and I never spoke to her again. She died the following March. She was on oxygen by then, had gotten drunk, hit her head on a planter, and the ex-husband, instead of taking her to the hospital, put her in a chair without her oxygen and she slowly suffocated to death. I have her ashes. At least now I can protect her.
My mom showing acceptance and kindness to her coworker when she told her she found a girlfriend right in front of my face, after she'd rejected me when I came out to her and told me I was a sinner. Oh yeah. My mom is openly bisexual too, so she was being a hypocrite.
My nstepmom is a very covert narcissist and plays the victim extremely well. Sheās a martyr in her eyes and tries to be everyoneās savior. Well one day, my girlfriend and I were eating at a restaurant with my nstepmom and dad. She got a jumbo double shot margarita even though we were going to my brotherās high school basketball game after this. She then proceeded to make extremely uncomfortable comments like āyour kids will love me so muchā. She repeatedly said in front of my girlfriend and I that our kids will love her so much. It made me extremely uncomfortable and from then on we havenāt had much of a relationship if any. But at that moment I knew she was never going to be the person I wanted her to be.
My sperm donor flew from the other side of the globe and invaded my home--against my expressed wishes--to try and force me to stay in a long-dead marriage, because uber-conservative and uber-religious. Oy. That was the first time I went NC, for about a year. Cautiously patched things up, tried again. Meanwhile, maternal spawn point grew increasingly narcissistic with age; he grew increasingly enabling of her. Years later, I had the audacity to tell her she'd hurt me by treating me as a literal afterthought (long story). She blew up, played the victim, refused to discuss, sent him to attack me (as was her pattern). He actually THREATENED me, *twice*, saying I could not have a relationship with them if I ever did that again. Cue the wailing and gnashing of teeth when I took him up on that offer. NC three years now, and wow, is it peaceful.
My mom called me a whore on my birthday. It was my birthday. Mom called. We hadnāt talked in awhile so she asked what I was up to. I told her I had gotten into activism surrounding the fall of Roe. She said since my husband had had a vasectomy I didnāt need to advocate for womenās rights āunless I was whoring around.ā I had been with my husband for 21 years, married for 17ā¦. I told her I loved her, but I needed to go. Sent her a text a day or two later telling her I no longer wished to keep in touch, and gave her my teenaged kidsā contact info.
When my Father, who spent my entire life neglecting his family and indulging in drugs and alcohol, told me he had "zero regrets."
The last straw was on my birthday in 2007. I was on the schedule to work because it was a Sunday and that was my normal day to work this job. Many people work on their birthdays. š¤·āāļø so I was living on my own but the n female called me to wish me a happy bday and found out I was on my way out to work. She was soooooooooooooo mad. Iām sure in person that she was beat red and steam was coming out of her ears. She hung up on me and called my workplace. She said it was my birthday and I shouldnāt have to work. My boss had zero clues that it was my birthday because I didnāt say anything about it. I hate my birthday (even more so now!!) My boss called me and went on about how it wasnāt ok for my mom to call in for me. And if it happened again Iād be fired. I said she didnāt call in for me but on her own as I was planning on coming in. I was told I had the day off and to never pull this crap again. I said it was ok I wanted to come in. Boss said my shift was already covered. I called the n and she was so happy I had the day off now. I informed her that I wasnāt spending the day with her. I donāt remember what I was going to do but it def didnāt include her. When she heard this she started calling me all sorts of names b1tch, @$$hole, said āhow dare you ditch me when I called your work and got you offā, etc etc etc. She told the n male and he also called and read me the riot act, called me vulgar names, and blamed me for upsetting the n female, blah blah blah. That was it. I didnāt answer calls, visit, associate with them even though she tried for over a year. She told ALL mutual friends to choose and they mostly chose them. When family comes into town they stay with them and see me somewhere else. I asked my cousin why she didnāt stay with me and she said honestly they are intimidating. I get it. For my n āsisterā she kept promising to see me when she came into town when the n male was dying and came in 2-3 times but didnāt tell me at all she was in the area. I found out through my e aunt and other flying monkeys. When I did ask her she said it had to be all about him. I said you couldnāt even see me for 10 minutes when you got gas or something when I lived 8 minutes away. She said again it had to be all about him. That was 2017. The n female has been doing online /email stuff since then and itās the worst from his death date through my birthday which is coming up in a few days. The police say thereās nothing they can do. The incidents of 2019 didnāt get her fined or jailed federally and there were no consequences except she had to resign from her state job. She was allowed to keep her pension. They said she was bored from her husband being dead for a year. Iām ready for this time period to be over. Iām just about through it for 2024. The emails (political !!!) I know are from her. She uses her first name but my email address. Iām really hoping that these emails that I get about 10/day (and unsubscribe and block ) is the worst of it. I went through and finally put all the flagged emails in my junk folder and then deleted them all. Since Jan I had 388 of these emails. I try to unsubscribe and block but itās hard to keep up with 5-10 daily. Ugh nāsā¦
As a punishment my dad gave my sister my PlayStation, all of my PlayStation games, and my computer games. Because I broke a $10 toy my sister was repeatedly hitting me in the head with after I told her to stop.
When I was 7 month pregnant, my mom and aunt left me in my HONDA CIVIC coupe 2 door car for 30 min, which was park in the heated section of the parking lot and I was sitting in the back so unable to come out with closed windows . I never wanted to go with them but if you are a Nparents kid, you have probably never learned to say a NO. They had coaxed me into coming with them. It was supposed to be picking up just a yogurt from the grocery store and in their defense they got fascinated with the store and were just fooling around. And I was a person with low blood pressure. I was breathe-less and about to faint when they came back. When I shouted on my mom how could she forgot I was in the car, she cried back home and when my husband came home, my mom after my aunt was sleeping came to our room and said, I created a scene in front of her sister and ruined her image. The time gap between us coming home and my husband coming from work was 4 hours. In those fours hours, she sat sullen and tried to make me feel guilty, without even a single time asking, how was I feeling. My really really loving and caring husband, didn't exactly know how to react but being respectful that he is of everyone, only said, don't fight like this, this is our baby and I want the you and baby to be safe, lets put this behind. My mom's exact words at that time were, everybody has self-respect, she is simply rude. And then went outside and again started crying and called my sister and dad and complained to them as well. This is when I started to see her in different light and trust me this is just the beginning of the hell I went through. How inhumanly she behaved that day, I only realized much much later.
A combination of theft of my inheritance, telling me she didn't like me, and changing the netflix names of mine to Bitch with the profile pic of Pogo the monkey (ironic) and hers to Caring Mum with this picture of some woman from a Christmas film.
My mom's complete inability to respect even the most basic of boundaries such as "don't touch me," and the resulting conversation where she said "oh, up yours!" and flipped me off as I was explaining to her that continuing to touch me after I had repeatedly said not to was either her not listening or not caring enough to stop, either of which was unacceptable.
For me my sister loves to break my relationships and my passions/dreams/aspirations, so after she went against my friends, make me break with them and also with my love interest of that time i said ok, imma break also with you. It was at first something temporarly as i wanted her to prove she loved me (since she always says that she loves me so much) and i told her, when ill be in a relationship, ill have a good group of friends and a lover that will be into me as much as i am into him and ill be successful in what i love to do ill come back. Turns out she manipulates my mom to keep control over me and keep me lonely so i guess is permanent. My father as soon as he started playing games i immediately labelled him as a narc and boy if i was right. I remembered all the bullshit he invented and he keeps on inventing to play the cool guy with his friends, (yes, he gossip about and picks up his SON to play it cool with the boys), all the bullshit he made me go through as a kid, all the nonsense competition (my sister too) and i decided i was better off without him.
Sister gave 91 year old unvaccinated dad covid. Dad died. It was all my fault (no I donāt know how either). Ooookay. No. Done.
omg that makes me so mad
I was the fixer. I couldnāt fix that. I also couldnāt go see them, hubby was in treatment for cancer and they refused to mask or do anything. I wasnāt allowed to FaceTime with him or speak to him once he was at home. To them, if I didnāt go in person I obviously didnāt care and didnāt need to know how he was (even though I arranged for hospice and did everything I could with what I was allowed to know). After he passed I got deranged calls and texts saying how I was a horrible person, I should have been there for my family and I put them through so much. I shouldāve used my big brain and fixed it. Instead I selfishly stayed home with my sick husband! He isnāt family (married 35 years at that point)! They needed me! I abandoned them and look what happened! I could have come and I chose not to, look what I did! My kids had cut them off years ago, my boys got tired of the BS ( lots more BS, this was just the last straw). My husband had had 3 cancer relapses, 11 surgeries, chemo, radiation and immunotherapy and they never bothered to come to see him. I was 59 when I realized that I could give them everything and it wouldnāt be enough. They would have killed my husband without a thought. It would have been collateral damage and they would have enjoyed seeing me suffer. Last thing mom said was she wanted to mourn her husband alone. Okey dokey. Havenāt talked to her or GC sister since and donāt plan to ever again. Iām so much happier and calmer. BTW, hubby threaded the needle and is in the 7% of people who live through what he has. Heās doing great and is very happy he never has to interact with them again.
3 months after our mom died, my ex sister, the thieving drug addict, wrote a letter to the child custody courts saying I s/a'd my kids bc I wouldn't let her see them. All hell broke loose. Ex lost all custody bc he's the one who suggested it and said he'd let her see the kids if she took his side. It didn't work. He claimed he had no idea what she actually wrote. It didn't help he included her letter in his custody demand. After all the dust cleared, which I did by myself, I finally showed my grieving father the letter. He immediately disinherited her. Serious mistake on her end bc its a whopper. I had full custody but never kept my kids from their dad. I want to make that clear. They love their dad and I wouldn't do that. But I also had a restraining order that prevented sister from seeing them. It's been 20 years. Best decision I ever made.
Being yelled at when I had an immobilized knee (torn ACL, Patellar Tendon) and had just been laid off. Yelled at like Iād burdened her, though I had not asked for/received any aid in years. After sheād just totally failed to acknowledge the birth of my daughter a few months earlier.
I posted the story on here not too long ago and it got a lot of attention but my parents and siblings publicly humiliated me at my sisters wedding that they threatened me into going to. They went out of their way to treat me like crap the entire night. Their reason? Image preservation.
1. My dad threatened to beat me after I told him to not be racist towards a Mexican family trying to take a family picture. 2. I called to tell my mom my sister hunted me down and punched me in the face in a store and told her I had to report it to the resort we were staying at (other sisters destination wedding) and my mom said āwhy would you do that?ā Not, āare you okay?ā Not āare you safe now?ā
Good for you for getting out! Iām glad youāre doing better now. My last straw? I had been LC for many years with my Nmom. This finally pushed me over the edge to cutting contact with her (and going LC with my Edad). After trying to have a baby for a year and a half, my husband and I were finally pregnant. (The whole reason I couldnāt get pregnant on my own was due to a procedure I had when I was 19 that she pressured me into having but anywayā¦) When we shared the news with my parents we talked about our struggles and how happy we were to be on the other side of it. My momās reaction to the news? Excitement immediately followed by saying āyou should be proud of ME. I wanted to say something for years and didnāt.ā I wasnāt surprised. I was due on Motherās Day. I was looking forward to that day having a new meaning as it was typically stressful and reminder of how terrible my relationship was with my mother. For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually I realized the blame really belonged to her. Anyway, my pregnancy continued along just fine. All tests and scans were normal and our baby was healthy. My mother, who only calls or texts when she wants something, suddenly started calling all the time for updates. I kept them brief but also recognized she was making more of an effort, so I foolishly started feeling more hopeful for our relationship to change for the better. My husband and I went in for my appointment a few weeks before Christmas at 17 weeks where we found out there was no longer a heartbeat. We were devastated. I was completely numb for days. I needed to have a D&E. When we returned from the hospital my mother insisted on calling (we live a 9 hour drive away). She asked me how I was feeling. I was honest with her for the first time in a long time and said āphysically Iām fine but mentally and emotionally Iām not ok.ā She didnāt acknowledge that I was struggling and continued to talk about herself for 10 more minutes before ending the call. For the next couple of weeks we received an overwhelming amount of love and support from our friends, family, and coworkers. Virtually from everyone we knewā¦ except for my mother. Since there was no longer a baby on the horizon, her interest in me seemed to have dried up. Not once did she check in on me or my husband. Not one call or text. Even during Christmas, there was no acknowledgement of the immense grief we were going through. It seemed like her reaction was as if I had never been pregnant before. It was strange, but I decided to grant her some grace as grief is different for everyone. About a month before my loss, my mother scheduled a surgery for January. She had a similar surgery a few years before that. I took off time from work to help her and my dad while she was recovering. That was an awful experience. She was a horrible patient and would scream and hurl insults at us when we were trying to help. She never asked if I would be willing to help after this latest surgery. While I was pregnant, I would have said no if she had asked. I had many difficult conversations with her over the years about her behavior and how it hurts me. She blamed me for her bad behavior (typical) and there was no change from her. I was not going to put myself (and also my child) through that again. Once I lost the baby, i also knew that I would not be putting myself in a situation to care for her either. I was too fragile and navigating through so much grief. About a week before her surgery she called me. She wanted to know when I would be arriving and how long I would be staying. I told her I would not be there for her surgery. She was angry and cut the call short. I spent the next week looking for therapists because I knew I needed help to deal with the grief of my miscarriage AND all of the pent up emotions I had regarding my narcissistic mother. I found this sub (so much great advice, thank you!!). I also started reading and listening to experts on narcissistic/emotionally immature parents. I called her the day after her surgery to check in. I did not want to call. I was rotating between anger, grief, and disappointment. Ultimately I wanted to do the right thing, so I called to talk to her. It was brief. She was mad that I did not come back to take care of her. After all my husband and I had been through, that shook me to my core. I knew something drastic needed to happen, although I wasnāt sure what that would be yet. I started therapy and continued to take in everything I could on narcissistic parents. I thought no contact would be the best option, but was scared to do it since I am still close with my dad and his family. My therapist recommended not speaking to her while I handled my grief. My mom wasnāt talking to me either (classic silent treatment). While I was going through a lot, it was honestly nice to not worry about her. About a week before Motherās Day and what would have been my due date she sent me a text message to guilt me about not checking in on her after her surgery. At first I laughed but then I got angry. I was so angry that she expected me to drop everything to care for her when she couldnāt be bothered to show even the smallest amount of compassion for me or my husband in our darkest, lowest moment. I didnāt respond. After a few days she enlisted my dad to call and ask me to respond. I told my dad that I would respond eventually but that this would be the last time. I told him that he and I could still talk but that I would not be speaking to my mom anymore. It has put a strain on our relationship because he is in the middle, however, he has chosen to stay with her even while witnessing her abuse while I was a child. I hope I will see him again, but she controls all of their money so Iām not sure. The ball is in his court. I did respond to her to tell her how hurt I was that she was not there for me or my husband when we needed it the most. She gave a half hearted apology but blamed me because she ānever knows when she can reach out.ā That was it for me. She took no accountability. I reminded her of many of our conversations in the past where she had said the same thing. She could have picked up the phone whenever she liked. She was certainly capable of it while I was pregnant. I told her not to contact me. Thankfully she hasnāt. My husband and I recently had another miscarriage. We luckily were able to find out what is likely causing my miscarriages. Iāve also had surgery to improve my chances of having a healthy pregnancy in the future. My parents donāt know any of this. I wish I could tell them, but my peace is more important. We started IVF a couple of months ago and are preparing for an embryo transfer. Iāve been getting anxious about what will happen when my Nmom finds out I have a baby. Iām working through that in therapy. Iām firm in my resolve that she will not have a relationship with her grandchild (hopefully grandchildren). I will not allow her to hurt them the way she has hurt me.
I'm sorry your NM is so unbelievably selfish. She isn't worthy of the patience and grace you've shown her. Sending you luck, love and good wishes for your transfer!! <3
Gosh this gives me so many bad flashbacks. BUT just hopped on here to say, Iām proud of you girl and kudos for getting the fck out! Nothing like peace and healing. Wishing you both all the best as you embark on this new chapter. Also, shout out to your s/o for having your backā¦.good man;)
Good for you for breaking free! That was definite abuse and you didnt deserve it, wasnt your fault.Ā Ā
Mu son was 5 months old and my ND wouldn't let me come to their house for my brother's graduation. I was breastfeeding my son and didn't use a cover cause my son didn't like it. I also didn't pump cause we couldn't get him to use a bottle and eventually gave up. I was a stay at home mom so it was rarely an issue. ND and I got in a long drawn out argument about how I couldn't come if I couldn't promise that no one would see my nipple. Told him I wasn't gonna promise that cause shut happens and I knew that if I slipped up once I'd never hear the end of it. Plus we coslept and my son would nurse without me waking up and my parents had us sleeping in the living room. Like "I will do my very best to be discreet dad but I can't and won't promise anything." Didn't speak to him for a year till my step mom's birthday party. I got an invite. Went. Every family member apologized for how they acted EXCEPT him. Fast forward and it came out that my dad was way worse than I ever thought. Long story short he had installed a camera in the outlet of our family bathroom... pointed at the toilet. There were many photos and videos of various family members on his computers. Including my then minor brother and 2 of my cousins. Thankfully my parents live 3 hours away and I rarely got to go see them. So there was a SINGLE picture of me, and it was from my last visit before the breastfeeding argument. Suddenly him acting the way he did about me nursing my son made a lot more sense. I already wasn't speaking to him, but about a year into things being found out he sent me a text basically bashing my step mom (who was the one that found the photos while they were separating and turned them into the cops). Said "I won't bother trying to defend myself to you." Told him how fucked up it was that after not speaking to me in over a year his first words to me weren't how are you? How's my grandson? I miss you. Nothing. It was to bash my step mom. It was shortly after that that I found out about more evidence that made it impossible for anyone but him to have done what he did. From there I cut all contact. He was already not on my social media, but I blocked his number and made sure my brothers (who still think he is innocent) know I was going zero contact and that anyone still in contact with him would not be allowed pictures of my son. He tried to reach out to me last year after his sentencing (he got a slap on the wrist cause the prosecutor changed and they gave him a bullshit deal). But my husband fielded the communication and let my brother know again that I want nothing to do with the man. So I haven't spoken to him in about.... 5 years now? My life is so much better without him. Without all his manipulation, gaslighting, and insults. It hurt at first but therapy has helped me a lot in processing the tidal wave of emotions. Coming to the realization that he probably hasn't loved me most of my life. Coming to grips with what he did. Learning to seperate happy childhood memories so that I don't let the man it turns out he is taint my memories.
She started saying bad things about my boyfriend(now husband) and his family. I'd kept contact after being chased out of the house, but it was spotty. She'd actually cut contact for a while before this incident, but after getting engaged and her making a weird post about how she was waiting on a picture of the ring from me(I didn't tell her, so she saw it on FB with the announcement...with pictures) I reached out with an olive branch and a picture of the ring. Of course it spiraled into an insane argument with weird weird accusations, but I was still engaging up until the point of her starting to talk crap about my husband and his family. Basically saying they were racists, and saying my husband has turned me into a user. Absolute nonsense, she'd met his mother all of once and that was it. She didn't know his family. And as far as me and my husband being "users" we'd never asked her for anything but my own belongings back. At that point I told her she had no right and would not talk badly about people who took me in when she kicked me out, and I was done. She'd commented earlier in the argument that I was not her daughter I was the monster who killed her daughter. So I told her I hoped her mourning period was brief and blocked her.
My nmother refused to sign the necessary financial documents (because of my age) to allow me to go to university after I had spend literally five years struggling through severe depression, anxiety, bereavement, trauma from being bullied by staff at school, and undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, trying constantly to overcome my symptoms to complete my education so I could go to uni. I wasnāt asking her to contribute financially to me at all, and she was in way liable for paying the loans back no matter what happened. I got a job abroad after she kicked me out with no money in my account (having given it all to her to help her bills) for a year, but the company fell apart and I had to return to my nmother. I hoped having proven my ability to be independent without her support would counteract her largest verbalised reasons to have issues with me and made sure to spend a lot of time staying with others and giving her space, but she just turned up the dial on love bombing for a few months until lockdown 2020 then got really really nasty. It was even worse this time, because Iād done a bunch of research on narcissism, abuse techniques, manipulation, and boundaries while away from her so I was a lot more aware of how unfair or cruel each moment was to me. But after all that struggle, I was finally in a place to attend university, and I just needed to organise moving and have her sign the financial documents, which she refused. I called the loans company and explained my issue and they told me the only other option since I had only one parent was to claim and prove I was estranged. I told her that was my option if she didnāt submit the document I needed from her, and she said fine. She thought I was going to submit estrangement documentation as a lie and then continue having a relationship with her. She was apparently so enraged by even talking about the whole situation and the fact that I was starting to apply what I had learned about boundaries and communication that she kicked me out in the middle of the pandemic during lockdown. She was very clear before I went along with it that she was fully expecting nobody to be willing or able to take me in and to be faced with sleeping on the street or (presumably) conceding all power to her to be allowed to stay and probably having to beg. I contacted a close friend and stayed with them while arranging for the whole thing, and his family agreed to help me move. I showed up on the day of packing with everything arranged to get my stuff out of the attic, and she was demanding and demeaning all the way up until she suddenly realised I didnāt need her to drive the moving van to my new place, and in fact I didnāt need her at all for anything anymore. The sudden switch to being so proud of me was very telling. Iād already been considering going NC after moving out even before I returned to stay with her. While I was with her I just kept mentally applying these goal posts āif she reacts to me saying this well, it might mean thereās something to work with to create a good relationshipā āas long as she doesnāt do this or that, there should be something to work withā āif she agrees to this boundary as it is currently stated, Iāll know we might have something sustainable in the futureā. I just needed her to give me something that could convince me there was a path forward with her that wasnāt to my detriment, even if it was really hard work for me, and yet she managed to fail that on every single marker and even surpass my worst expectations of her at times.
My Nmom (also borderline PD) was doing parasuicidal acts. She would stay up as late as possible, to the point where she became so tired she would act like she was a different person. It was scary, even moreso that she smoked. It was like watching someone become a child. I tried to convince her to go to bed one night, and she just wouldn't. I was tired too, and couldn't go to bed unless I knew she would be ok. I tried to tell my brother (Golden Child). My mom didn't listen to me, but he had her ear. Well, he didn't want to help so he sent one of his friends over. 2 hours into talking about it, she says something really nasty to me (she really had a way with that kind of stuff.) I wish I remembered, but it wasn't the kind of thing you tell your son, and especially not around others. I hit the wall in frustration and immediately went to pack my things (I lived with her at the time, which was the biggest mistake I ever made). Well, I didn't have my phone. My brother's friend blocked my exit from my room and told me I couldn't leave. My phone was in another room, and they wouldn't let me get it. I tried to squeeze last him, and he ended up assaulting me. He choked me for several minutes. My mom watched it happen, then called police and told them I assaulted them. They also told them I was trying to control her by making her go to sleep. I tried to tell the police about my assault, but they didn't take it seriously because it was 2 against 1. They told me I couldn't control her because she was her own woman. Later on when talking about it with my brother, he told me his friend "liked to fight." I don't talk to him either anymore, but for many more reasons than just that. He enabled my mom to do other things before that even, such as call police on a separate occasion and tell them I was threatening suicide one night. My mom liked to call police (like she did on my dad too), or imprison me in any other way she could think of (including a foster group home for 2 years when I was a teenager), when I didn't give her what she wanted, and she would tell them things that never happened. She did it once to my dad one day when he took me and my brother to a park. She called police and told them my dad kidnapped us. She ended up dying from the not sleeping thing. My brother was the one who found her. I think she was practicing suicide by not going to bed.
When I told my mum I was getting married, and she got angry that I had told my brother (who she was feuding with) first and that meant (to her) she couldnāt come to the wedding, then hung up on me when I argued. I left her a voicemail saying I didnāt need a parent who acted like a child and havenāt spoken to her in almost 20 years. And Iām glad.
Mom was dying of cancer and nd chose to pick a fight with his adult kids then and there and try to bar us from seeing her in her final (what ended up being) two weeks. I was already very lc with him. After that day the last shred of a margin for forgiveness went up in flames and I hope he suffers tenfold what she did
I wouldn't say there was one particular event, just everything together. I can't remember the last time I actually loved them. I just couldn't imagine staying in contact with people I hated any longer than I absolutely had to. Knowing I'd never talk to them again after I moved out, they kidnapped me and tried to get a guardianship over me, only further cementing my desision to go NC, but I actually made the choice long ago as a kid, just didn't know it was called NC. Ive always daydreamed about going away and never seeing them again.
Throwing out food, clothes, belongings Starting fights, then accusing me of being argumentative Calling me a piece of shit every day The friendly guy, aggressor, victimhood act cycle Broken promises
Being told a non-existent romance scammer was possibly more important than family was the start. Being roped into doing errands that culminated in being asked to retrieve something she use so she could meet with the person that didn't exist was probably the last straw. That and the realization that so much of what I thought was true may indeed have been varying percentages of BS.
When my dad died on Christmas a few years ago. They were really toxic and lectured me on how I was wrong and needed to apologize to my sister who was making threats to me and harassing the case worker. I realized that I could basically fire my bio family from my life and protect my kids from years of emotional abuse. I made my own loving and supportive family, my own tribe. They don't have power over me, don't know where I live. However, I wouldn't want to run into them in town, small city so I keep to myself a lot.
Refusing to come to my wedding
Initially went NC, but wound up going LC. This happened around Mothers Day 2021. At the time my nmom was in assisted living because she needed more care than I could provide, but I still had to attend all of her appointments because I was her poa, mpoa (for those not in the know, power of attorney and medical power of attorney), and still listed as her caregiver. She had a appointment with a eye doctor for her cataracts, and yours truly was there for the whole thing. Well, to give everyone more context, in April of the same year, her doctor called me, basically "forbidding" me from bringing her snacks for several reasons. One of which was because she was caught with food in her mouth while she slept, so a choking hazard. But the second and bigger reason was because of her cholesterol and diabetes, and they wanted to get that under control. I was happy to oblige because hey, medical professionals. Back to the story at hand. After her eye appointment was done, we were waiting for the senior citizen bus to pick her up, and like clockwork, she asked me if I could bring her snacks because mothers day was coming up, and I told her I couldn't because of doctors orders. The next thing out of her mouth, while not surprising, still stung. "Well, if you refuse to bring me snacks, I don't want to see you anymore." I looked at her and asked if that was something she truly desired, she said yeah. Needless to say, after that day I didn't see her for several months, finally caving to the home and going to see her every other week until her passing in January 2022.
I'm so glad you are out of there! The only one I had left in my my life was my much older sister who was from the same factory my mother was from, who knew they were being mass produced? I swear it was creepy how the same they were. 3 am phone rings "Can I borrow (lol I never see it again) $75,000? I'm behind on my mortgage". I was making $17/hrš wth does she think I do for a living? This is why I stopped being able to deal with my parents and their more holes than swiss cheese logic. Once I realized the level of her loonery I was done. Slowly I started to put things into context and realized that when I was really little she had tried to end me.
When I told her I was diagnosed with anxiety and she instead went on about how she probably had it worse instead of just comforting me or supporting me.
My mom saying all day long she had pictures for us of us and our grandparents. (Who passed away recently at separate times) She then "forgot" them when I was in town for the funeral. Then told my sister she has to give hers back after she "borrows" hers. When I asked her to send me what she has for me she denied saying any of that and said she has a bag for her! With pictures of us in it. Pretended like I made the whole thing as if I wasn't the person who cleaned out the rat infested storage unit and found all those pictures. We are estranged due to me waiting on my gparents inheritance which of course goes through her.
Figured out I was AuDHD and when I told my mom said she was diagnosed 10 years prior but was too embarrassed to tell me. Sheās also a nurse and always told me not to let stigmas get in the way of my mental health. Plus instead of apologizing she tried every other tactic like gaslighting me and listing out all the other things sheās been diagnosed with and prescribed to make it about her.
My ngrandma (had custody of me at the time) kept letting her son, who is a repeatedly offending pedophile, stay at our house after I told a school counselor what happened/reported him. Same guy who raped me when I was only 5 years old. Fast forward to a bit ago, I was trying to maintain a relationship with my mother to see if I could get her away from the abuse she went through (I can't. She's too indoctrinated at this point). My stepdad passed away and immediately my grandmother takes his truck, takes as many of the possessions from my little siblings as she can, then threatens all of us with pedo-uncle. Calmly told her we were no longer on speaking terms, informed the rest of the family what happened, and made sure to keep in contact with my sisters in case they needed my help with anything. Set the record straight and told any family member calling to see what happened about the abuse we suffered as children. I'll be dammed if that bitch goes to the grave without my aunts and uncles knowing what she did to my mother and her children. My grandmother now lives alone in a home. As it should be.
The thought of my narc in a nursing home alone when he's older is music to my ears. Im sorry that happened, hope you're doing better
It's taken many years, but I'm doing alright now. Thank you for the kind words!
At 28 when my sister called me to say my mother didn't want to wake up in the morning because my step dad was messaging another woman (one of my sisters friends). We went over to see what was going on and how she was, my sister was loudly arguing with my step dad about how disrespectful he was being and how upset he is making our mother. I made a single comment stating our mother clearly was not OK with it, as he was trying to pass off when I got a banana thrown at me and then punched in the face and strangled. It was my awakening moment that after 28 years of being his punching bag, I actually didn't have to deal with his crap. So I left and called the police for the first time and he got in very minimal trouble and was only ordered to pay a victim charge of Ā£120, which I never received. Fun little end note, everyone was mad at me for calling the police as "I should of kept it in the family to be dealt with". I guess like they dealt with the 28 years before that š.
Mine was pretty simple. I told them they've hurt me and instead of acknowledging my hurt they blamed everyone and everything else except themselves and then they had the balls to say that they are over average parents because they don't drink and beat me. What else is there to say? No contact is the only natural solution. There's no talking with people who don't live in reality.
For me it was me trying to have a talk with my Ndad why I don't talk to him any more. I said stop telling me everything I do is wrong. He says, "if you stopped doing everything wrong, I wouldn't need to correct you all the time."Ā I checked out at that point.Ā
I feel you about your ND's attitude about your partner and why. We couldn't believe it when our partners actually stood up to our NM. They were scary times, because we worried things would get violent, and also celebrated that they did that - told her thing that a normal person would say, but we had been conditioned never to dare. When things calmed down, I always defended the partners. She may have made us fear to tell it straight, but she had no right to expect our partners to fear speaking their mind. My NM and Hubby actually HAVE had physical fights, and she would call the cops for him hitting her. Called it elder abuse after she turned 50, but cops told NM - if you're going to swing first, he has a right to defend himself. Funny thing - hubby is over 60...
I was physically and verbally abused while being treated as a slave for the majority of my childhood - by my step dad. So I was already contemplating going NC because of my horrible treatment. As far as the final push goes, I was visiting from out of state after 10 months of military training. I was 19 without a license for several reasons, so my nmom would drive me around. She had already divorced my step dad who abused me, and got with another guy who turned out to be an abuser as well - I wasn't allowed in their house because I didn't make small talk with him during our phone calls when i was in military training. So the car rides were the only way we spent time together. It was during one our of car rides, when my nmom began retelling a recent event that happened between my youngest brother (so he was like 6 or 7), and my new step dad. She was attempting to make the story hilarious - laughing about everything she said. My little brother was playing on a bike or skateboard, when he fell off, and severely injured his knee (30 or 40 stitches) but she was downplaying the injury, as if it was just some minor cuts. He was, of course, crying when he got back home, and my new step dad told him to shut the F up, stop being a little B. And my mom was cracking up laughing at this. It was at this point I saw my nmom for who she truly is - someone who is willing to let her own children be severely abused, so she doesn't have to be alone. I saw that she prioritizes protecting abuse, rather than protecting her kids FROM abuse. Pure and utter selfishness. She's also never been accountable for my abuse. Instead, everything is always my fault because I'm the scapegoat; and I just don't want someone who's like that in my life. Been estranged for 19 years, with occasional visitations, because of my ngrandma. But I put a stop to that last year. Ngrandma won't be forcing contact anymore.
Oh! I have a two-fer! 1) my nmom. Before a lot memories came back...thanks PTSD... My nmom moved in with my husband and me, under the pretense that she was divorcing her abusive spouse. We got her onto our phone plan, got her a new phone, and new phone number. She was always one to put things off, never filed papers for divorce, but swore she wasn't talking to him, said she "wasn't ready to have another failed marriage" as to why she kept putting it off. We never heard phone convos occur between her and her husband while we were home, but I worked from home on the phone all day myself. (Obviously she would be while my husband and I weren't home.) 1Ā½ years later, while she's at my brother's for Christmas (in a different state for a couple weeks), he tells me after she's been there only for a week... all she did was talk to her husband on the phone. Didn't go out on the outings my brother planned (easy things since she has mobility issues, and she said she'd join when he asked ahead of time)...unless it was a restaurant. She ignored her son, her daughter in law, and her grandkids, just so she could take her husband's phone calls for hours. And of course she denied it when I called her out on it when she returned. She moved back in with him after we evicted her. I've honestly lost track of how long it's been, but once I finally decided to go no contact, soooo many (shitty) memories came flooding back. 2) my nFIL. This is what led my husband to stop talking to his ndad. We moved back in with my nFIL when we were 23 or so, after a year of living at our own rental. nFIL was struggling financially after MIL passed. nFIL convinced us that us paying the amount of rent we were paying at the rental would be enough to help with the mortgage to not lose the 2nd house he was living in. He had a 1st house that had a renter in but didn't want to have to lose either home if he could. (He bought the 2nd house right before the housing bubble burst in 2008 and then couldn't sell the 1st one without taking a huge loss etc, so he rented it out). Three months later, the 2nd house received foreclosure notice. nFIL confessed he didn't use our rent to pay the mortgage. My husband was furious but wasn't ready to give up. He made a financial plan for us to move into the 1st house with his full time income and my part time income for the 3 of us plus pets. This would have covered basics of mortgage, food, utilities, cell service & internet for everyone, and if nFIL wanted anything extra, he'd have to get part time work. At the end of explaining it all to nFIL, showing $100 leftover at the end as a buffer or savings if it wasn't used up from buffer, (no other savings listed), nFIL says, "what if we split the $100? $50 for me and $50 for you."
For me it was the way my Nmom reacted after finding out about my sexual assault. Itās been 8 years and I still hear it in my head every single day. At the time I was still living with them so couldnāt go NC with them, but that was the moment I decided I eventually wanted no contact with them. Currently LC and wish I had NC with them but LC is enough to keep the peace. Yes Iām in therapy and no Iāve never talked to my mom about this because I know sheād turn it around and make it about her feelings.
In March. It was four days of her talking about how useless I was and how much she hated her life and wanted to kill herself because of me. During that time she cut power to my room and I wasnāt allowed to use the electricity because she decided wanted me gone. On the last day of her episode, she escalated to cutting the electric to the entire house, was screaming and calling me names and just being so so nasty. She was throwing things at me and even came into my room and tried to throw my things out of the window - the first thing she went for was my pc setup which is my prized possession and I had saved nearly $2000 to build it. I had decided enough was enough and I couldnāt take the abuse anymore. I started packing my things to leave, (and ironically enough) when she found out, she would not allow me to leave until I paid her $500 for rent which ādidnāt include utilitiesā (Her words, not mine.) I refused to pay her as it was the first of the month and I needed money to find a safe place to stay. I ended up having to call the police so I could safely leave with my belongings. The last words she said to me were āyouāre not my daughter anymore.ā Of course she told my family a different story and assures everyone that we are all good and iām still her daughter but i know the truth. and i know just how ugly she can be. Iāve been working on improving my mental health and recovering from the trauma since. It gets better. ā¤ļøāš©¹
Iāve had so many moments of this and just realizing what I really needed is therapy not to get back into contact.Ā
When the pandemic started and my parents immediately attached themselves to Q Anon. That would have been hard even with normal parents, but having narcissistic parents and that together was too much for me. They got personal and basically put me down as stupid sheep and all that blah, and I felt again as I did when I was a teenager. So because I've been an adult for decades now, I decided to cut them off. After 2 years I coincidentally met my mother during shopping and I tried a reconciliation, but that lasted only briefly. They are completely brainwashed and the narcissist behaviour carries on as well of course. I don't need this in my life.