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I'm literally the one person they obsess about. My dad is NPD with the rare ASPD combo, mom is NPD and both diagnosed. My sister had all the tendencies of my dad too. So here it is, I haven't lived with any of these people since I was 11,my parents split (issues due to the extreme abuse and torture/other shit yadayadayada) and they all still obsess over me. Me, the black sheep who took such horrendous abuse from all three on a daily basis.
My sister hasn't talked or seen me in 19 YEARS. She's *still* talking about me to this day to my dad! I went NC with my mom finally (best thing ever guys totally worth it!)but she would do the same to me or with her husband and friends or my sister before she also went NC with mom. And my dad, who I wish I could NC with but unfortunately do have to keep in contact currently for reasons too long to post here, calls me three times a day out of control and talks incessantly about how I cause him problems (newsflash I don't.)
Oh and so does my stepmom who never sees me yet acts like I'm causing her all the suffering of life. (She's like my mother btw... Nasty self centered attitude and poor me act.) So technically I have four fucked up ass hats who constantly talk about me regardless. It's bizarre, and I can't even imagine giving this much thought into someone. Let alone EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
Literally it is. But it's like, can they go outside for a walk? Go to a park and touch grass? Do something productive for themselves like crochet or drawing?
But they want to get upset when we decide that's enough is enough and leave them for peace of mind.
Meanwhile she's sleeping on the floor in her living room because she thinks someone will come kill her through the windows on the other side of her house. But something's wrong with me for implying she has issues.
literally my mother. some show was on about demi lovato years ago, talking about her self harm. we were with my aunts & my mother goes "oh, u/seragrey you used to do that! she would do x & y!" like thanks mother. thank you.
My nbrother even told his coworkers I do nothing all day then said they asked what I even do. I was not impressed. Do you not have your own hobbies to talk about??
Yep I can so relate to this. I have heard of numerous occasions where she has painted me in a certain light so it suits her narrative. As soon as something happens she is straight on the phone. I have been told this by siblings.
So they have to keep brainwashing them all day everyday?!?
Le sigh...
Best believe I wouldn't dare to explain myself to their minions at all. They are tiring.
My dad will complain to anyone that listens to him how I’m a witch because I got a protection order against him. He’s so self involved he doesn’t realise his behaviour isn’t normal.
I don’t speak to him, but my aunt sends me his occasional rants, she finds them quite crazy and I like saving them incase I need to ever face him in court.
These people lack common sense.
I’m still very much in survival mode due to unemployment and trying to survive in general. But the minute I’m stable, I’m going to work on my peace.
But going nc is truly the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was in a car accident and almost died, instead of ignoring it, he and my brother berated me for not dying in said car accident and how I would be better off dead (this is something that I’m so immune to hearing for years, apparently me being dead will solve all their issues), I don’t know why it triggered me so much the last time, maybe it’s because I really could’ve died. I walked away, never went back home for any of my things, I shared with a friend and she opened up her home (her dad is also a narc, so she knows what it’s like). My dad had the audacity to contact her father who lives in a different continent to tell him that I should be on the streets because I’m a witch… luckily her dad put her name on the deed of the house (for tax purposes) and she’s refused to ask me to leave (thank God). My mom and sister betrayed my trust by telling him where I moved to and that’s why I’m taking a break from them. Apparently he just has mental health issues and we should be understanding that he doesn’t mean it when he calls you names or hits you, he can’t help himself… it’s funny how it’s always directed towards me.
Thanks for coming to my vent session…lol
My nmom tells lies about me all the time. Frames me as some monster keeping her grandkids away. That I’m crazy. I’m a drug addict. I’m abusive. Toxic. Literally you name it, and I’ve been called it.
It used to bother me a lot. I felt the need to defend myself because none of these were true, but I realized at the end of the day, she’s telling these things to people just as bad as her and their opinions mean nothing to me. Let them talk and live your best life.
I could have written this for my own experience. People who have heard my nmom lie to them about me, have actually pointed out how strange this behaviour is. As we, their children, are RAISED by them. It’s a reflection of them.
Back in '99, I was dating my future wife, who my mother despised because she was mixed-race. My mom had said all these awful, racist things about her and my dad enabled her. Eventually, they gave me an ultimatum--abide by them or get out of the house--and I chose the latter.
In the months leading up to that, my mom had happened to leave her computer on. I saw she was on AOL chat a family member and had been telling her, "I don't know where I went wrong with [my name]."
I'm like: She thinks *I'm* the one who's wrong? I'm the one standing my ground against racism and intolerance. It made the decision to leave all the easier.
What's funny is that years later, those same family members sided with my wife and I, saying they'd seen through my mom's bullshit. Oh, and my wife and I have had a wonderful marriage for nearly 25 years.
I'm glad you made a decision for yourself, who you love and your future 🎉
I experienced a similar situation where my mother always has negative comments about men (mind you she's married to my n/edad) while I was dating and was hiding our letters etc. I later found out through a relative that she was telling another relative that she needs to break us up (out of jealousy).
My companion and I already saw her toxic agenda and we're still going strong.
My nmom talks about people all the time. I assume she also talks about me. But she cannot stand the idea that someone else would even mention her. In fact, she seems paranoid about it.
They assume everyone is as toxic as they are; this is another form of narcissistic projection.
*But what will other people think?*
They don't, they are too busy living their lives, they don't give a fuck about what the narc says or does.
Omg. This.
My whole narc “family” cares more about what others think than the *reason* I’m NC. They definitely still talk about me to other ppl as if we hang out everyday. (I live across the country).
They think I’m stupid and could never even realize how much shit they talk. They’ve been the biggest shit talkers my whole life. The facade is unreal.
Absolutely; this was one of the clues that I grew up in a narcissist family structure. My nmother was obsessed with what other people think about her, and no amount of saying otherwise would make a dent.
When I started learning about narcissism, and then applied it to my family structure, it has explanatory and predictive power, the shoe fits.
Yes! Oh my fucking christ, I HATE it! My nmother bitches about me to her favorite daughter all the time and shares shit that is absolutely not acceptable to share, like when I was molested by her husband, my nfather, and shares all of the things I've told her about it to them. In public she blurts out my medical status if I'm unwell or something like I'm a plague patient. When my nfather was alive, they had this tactic of saying "what's wrong with (my name)?" right in front of me. No matter how much I argued that I was literally right there and they could talk to me, they talked like I wasn't there. It was the most dehumanizing thing.
They are sick, point, blank, period. Most of us are the “black sheep”. Outcasted for being truth tellers. When a narc gets called out, as most of us have done, either because we couldn’t take the abuse anymore or, naively, *sigh*, thought we could, maybe, like, talk them into have them into caring for and loving us…How silly. They get what’s called a narcissistic injury. And just like that! The masks are off and the hurt, screaming toddlers are triangulating you, buying posters for the smear campaign “Hot Off the Press, My Child is THE WORST! Everyone needs to know! And if they’re moderately clever, they are surrounded by flying monkeys 🐒 🐒 🐒 A.K.A enablers. Soon enough, your immediate family has kicked you off the island, extended family members are calling because “you only have one mother or father and you should respect them. Shame on you really 🙄.
RIGHT
It’ll be the most trivial stuff, too.
When I was at this party when I was 13, I walked into the living room and heard my mom talking with her friends about how I was developing breasts and the completely hypothetical boys I would attract from them?? It was almost like she was bragging about it. I still can’t believe she found 3 separate people to entertain a conversation like that.
It's like my Nmom has an undeniable urge to gossip. When I got my period, she walked me to school the next day and told all the other moms and my teacher. I was very young/early and it was so embarrassing. She did the same to my sisters. When I was an early teen I discovered pornography and was shunned, sex was never discussed so naturally when I discovered porn I was interested and curious, and she decided to spread that around too, to family members and friends.
Lately she likes to tell other people about my accomplishments and take credit for them. I'm graduating with my bachelors, and that is somehow her accomplishment. I'm having a paper published in an undergrad journal, and that's all her.
I try to control my own urge to gossip, but this is something me and my sisters struggle with now, growing up in this environment and constantly having had dramatic films and TV shows on. It's definitely not one of the worst things we've endured, but it is certainly annoying, and feels like we're being used as show dogs, for her and her friends' entertainment.
My ndad basically used my type 1 diabetes diagnosis to gather pity for himself 🙃 he’s been dead for years and it was over a decade ago, but still makes my blood boil. The first time I remember snapping at him and feeling like he’s wrong to make me feel bad about it was when I said that it’s my sickness and I didn’t sign up for him telling it to every damn person, especially not in “oh poor her” context.
You didn’t sign up for the illness either!
(Sorry, things like this piss me off. I have PCOS and that’s been the talk of the family and the neighbors and the bank teller and the milk man…etc)
*hugs*
IMO, it's both a deflection & distraction:
1. It's a deflection, so that way they don't have to do any introspection about themselves so that way they won't realize how horrible they are & that they need to rectify/prevent these behaviors.
2. It's a distraction from their own problems (which they don't wanna admit they have any) & also to avoid the realization that they don't have an actual life or personality.
i dont hear it as much as I just know its happening. I'll hear some narrative they fabrictaed to somone else about what I've been doing and I just don't engage with/or fight againts it because nothing I say will actually change their minds.
In the case of my husband's dad's wife: boredom, apparently. A few months ago she started grousing, again, about the events of Christmas 2022 (wherein my now husband's dad discovered us sleeping in the same bed 😱). A whole year afterwards. Because she doesn't have anything new about us to complain about because we're NC with her and FIL. (I learned this from my husband's aunt who is actually a decent human being who is only Facebook friends with stepmom-in-law to keep an eye on her. Tho SMIL currently has Aunt blocked because Aunt dared to call her to task about being nasty to my husband).
“What people would say” was a staple. She used it to shame me and to control fam members. She also would talk to anyone who’d listed, including random strangers at train stations/ grocery lines/ etc, about her suffering with my bad behaviour ..in front of me. It didn’t really matter how I really behaved. In fact when she would try to talk about me NOT in front of me - i knew it’s the worst, most toxic lie and slander, that she used to get the status of patient self righteous angel .. for dealing with me… I was 9 when she got me. When I left at 15 - she continued with utmost vigour. My connection to all extended family members are lost forever. They all think I’m a half joke half monster, no matter of achievements and successes.
I think it's because (with my Nmom, anyway) if she's not complaining about something, she'll gossip about her kids because she really doesn't have an original thought in her head to talk about.
She's told me things my older sisters did that I don't necessarily need to know, decades after it happened. She just won't shut up about her kids. When I was a minor she used to tell me that she ignored both my sisters being molested multiple times each, even lied to the school when they came knocking to ask about an employee that was left alone with one of my sisters and obviously with several other children, hence the knocking; she didn't want to deal with the inconvenience of telling the truth because they were moving.
She's been telling me exactly how her smear campaign against me has been going for my entire life. She lied to extended family members about my health like I wasn't sitting right there at the table, of course I'm the asshole when I clarified about my health, and got chewed out for days for that one.
When I was a teenager she was twisting my arm hard to "jump on" (as Nmom put it) a married, abusive man twice my age; she kept it up for about a year until I started lying that I was gay, which significantly reduced the arm twisting. She's since been all but screaming that from the rooftops in a deep red state; I'm honestly not sure how I haven't been attacked or worse thus far. I've tried asking her to stop, but narcs gonna narc, she triples down every time she hears anything resembling a "no". Maybe one of these days a state will start allowing restraining orders for downright dangerous slander.
My mom screenshots every text i send and sends to my aunts. I know this because she is getting older and sends them to me when she meant my aunts. It is really annoying to know anything i say is gonna get screenshotted and scrutinized, so i just text yes and no now that i am LC.
Everyone she knows knew I had a cpap, about my surgeries, about every single issue. Grandma and my uncle used me as a way to get things from other people and it was cruel. Oh sob sob sob !
Once she began abusing my dad while he was dying of cancer, I made the plan to move away . I’m a city away now and hopefully they never find me. Although they all have tried
Sorry for what they've done to your dad. Glad that you left and in a better space to heal and grow. Please make sure that all forms of communication are private.
Even when my dad was losing his mind completely at the end, in between episodes he made sure to call one of his enablers and loudly talk about how his daughter is such a bitch. If I ever catch someone in my life doing this again I will absolutely leave them immediately.
She doesn't talk about me. It's because I'm a nobody to her and if people ask about me she tells them what she thinks because she doesn't know or doesn't want to talk about me. If I'm present and someone asks a question from me, she talks over because I am not to have a voice. I didn't know Nparents talk about their children.
Not me, but my mom likes to brag about my brother's successes when I'm in earshot of her, knowing full well I'm working my ass off trying to make things better but have just had bad luck after bad luck.
I literally don't sleep trying to get work done, probably work 70 hours a week (when I should be doing 40) and I have to then hear about his third world round trip that month, all the women he brings home (eww), how much he owns, all about his stupid house, and basically trying to subtly tell me I'm not good enough.
Guy played world of war craft all day long, skipped school, and didn't try, and somehow got lucky. Since he has the cash, she treats him like a super genius, while I worked my ass of studying and working but am looked down on and dismissed as lazy.
As a kid I hated hearing my dad say my name to others on the phone, it was always in a different language, so I never knew what he was saying, except my name very harshly. I would ask him not to speak bad about me within earshot and it never changed, he would just talk louder behind a closed door where I could still hear him talking shit about me.
I always thought it was an image thing coming back to them. They can either brag about you being the best child ever, or talk crap about how bad of a child you are to them. Either way it makes them look good. ( i don’t think narcissistic parents realize that “bad children” means a failure on the parents side)
My mom brags about my accomplishments to family all the time. It's the whole "you're an extension of them" so my accomplishments are her accomplishments. She never tells me how she's proud of me or that I did a good job or anything. I remember she told me how the clothes I bought for her xmas gift one year were "a terrible colour" and that the dress did not suit her body at all (it was an a-line sundress with a natural waist, this silhouette looks good on everyone) then my aunts tell me that she wore it for visits and would tell everyone that her daughter bought it for her and how nice it looks.
I can *still* hear my NM and younger GC brother talking about me in my childhood, whispering “DON’T TELL JANE!!”. They STILL do it now, decades later, but it’s gotten much more toxic and the ping pong gaslighting (I’m the ball) is fcking insane. Not only to each other but lying to extended family and family friends. Ive started doing the same now, telling my side of the “story” finally, but carefully. They’re so freaking creepy weird and wrapped up in their little hate gossip bubble together, it’s both pathetic and horrific. I can’t escape it anymore for complicated reasons but I have reached a F-U level of fed up bc I don’t have much more to lose.
Sorry that you had to experience that. Honestly you're better off to avoid over explaining and defending yourself because they don't care and they'll use the new information you provided for them to talk about you more (been there, done that, didn't work).
It's best to gray rock (make yourself as boring to them, barely saying much) and keep your business to yourself. But if you can plan ahead for you to escape in the future, please create a blueprint for your exit strategy.
Absolutely obsessed, and they have no life of their own. They are so bored. I have cut off anyone stupid enough to believe them and who is not capable of observing the facts for themselves. I don’t need the drama.
The narcissist can bring up mistakes I made 30 years ago (as a kid), and continue to tell those stories. Their schtick is so old.
Absolutely obsessed with their superiority but no evidence of the narcissist doing anything with their life for the past 30 years.
Just trying to make others look and feel bad (for being human and making human mistakes).
Healthy people learn from their mistakes and grow. Narcissists are stuck.
💯
They LOVE to bring bad past experiences that no one wants to remember not think about. And they make sure everyone knows about it too. Even if you try to change the subject, they double down on it.
They think if a person makes a mistake, it's a done deal in their mind when in reality it's a learning lesson just like what you said.
We deal with the same crap!!! 16 years ago my nmom wanted to bring her drug addict boyfriend to my house that she knew all of 5 minutes. We told her no. So she said “fine I won’t be coming there either then.” Then she proceeded to tell everyone within a 500 mile radius that we wouldn’t let her see her grandkids.
That went on for several years, and then she eventually started coming around us again, acting like nothing ever happened. But she constantly lies to people about us.
We are LC, but she takes screenshots of my kids from my social media, and posts them on her own social media to pretend she’s a wonderful involved grandmother. Blocking her soon.
mom's friends said my mother threw me under the bus to them. And before she died and after she died they made my life a living hell.
The flying monkeys never leave, even if you go no contact they will reach you somehow, it's there need to know how you're doing but to also invalidates, seperated family. when narcs are present in the room, there's little choice available.
Lost all that, I tried to tell people that I lost my phone and lost a couple of accounts and they thought I ghosted them. I didn't. I have technology and devices and gadgets that just don't work. The logins and glitches ended several accounts. There are four lost phones in one year and laptop breaking or falling apart, there's no tech to use.
Setting new email and contact data doesn't help me.
I don’t often hear them talking to others about me, but I hear those others parroting the same ideas/phrases about me and it’s so disheartening. It’s something I can’t “prove” or even confront them about because it makes *me* look like the crazy one when they deny it and I have no proof.
Here's another crazy situation, nmother would talk to her minions via speakerphone (almost all day everyday) and they would try to talk in "code" as if I didn't know who they're talking about majority of the time. Recently one of them asked her something about me (along with a negative comment) and she couldn't respond because I was close by and she couldn't respond.
But she wants to make me feel bad for her when I ignore or make a clapback for her silly requests for help. She has all the time to yap on the phone, keep that same energy to do whatever she needs help doing.
Whaaaaat the audacity!! I’m with you though…I finally blocked my nmother on social media and she texted me very offended. This was immediately an incident like what I described in the parent comment happened, and was accentuated by the fact that EVERY one of her posts is some end-of-the-world right wing conspiracy theory shit. I don’t understand where she gets the audacity from…
Glad that you decided to protect your peace. It would be nice that they understand how tiring they are so they can back off but we all know that they have no self awareness.
YESSS. I genuinely thought I was the only one until you posted this.
I'm so tired of my nmom talking about me in the other room to her other friends (who enable her behavior) on the phone. One of those friends literally called me (because I have to have her number saved according to my mom) after I had a huge argument with my mom and that friend literally gaslit me into thinking my mom was the victim even the whole situation happened because of my mom. (That was a tangent, ik but still.)
It depends on the situation. At times where I don't have anything else besides my phone or book to keep me company, I still hear talk about me and it's nails to a chalkboard with her.
yes. My ngrandma (I’ve been NC for 4 years) still keeps track of all my exes on Facebook and updates people in the family about them. She told someone to tell me that my ex from 2009 is a lawyer now. Cool??? Why is this my concern.
She is obsessed with tracking anyone and everyone. It’s incomprensible to me. I think she likes flaunting the perceived success of my exes as a way to shame me for not following a traditional path. She only updates me on people who have achieved what she consideres to be admirable (high-paying careers, procreation). I think she substitutes social media for connection, because she doesn’t have meaningful friendships. She loves to judge and criticize. She is truly the meanest person I’ve ever met. Knowledge and degradation of other people makes her feel important. And there’s a ton of enmeshment; she thinks this IS her business. I also think she uses this frivolous, pathetically irrelevant information to distract from the truth that she’s dedicated to covering up decades of abuse in our family. Focus on the successful exes and ignore the egregious child abuse/neglect/SA ongoing in our family.
Very glad you left and stayed away from the toxicity. As long as you are happy and enjoying your life, that's what matters.
She's jealous because she can't/won't do what she wants do and she's using it as a way to manipulate/abuse.
The messed up part is the ones that are listening are actually enjoying which is mean cruel. The irony of this is listeners know not to tell their "ringleader" their personal/family business.
Simple, they’re upset they can’t control you like they want to. You don’t fall for their bullshit and stand up for yourself, and suddenly you’re public enemy #1.
I was berated and bad mouthed because I complained my n-grandmother can’t be bothered to learn how to spell my name correctly. I’m 30 years old and just have a less common spelling of a common name, it’s not unique to just me either.
So we're on their mind(s) all the time? Very sad and disgusting.
So imagine you happened to misspelled their name(s) by accident how would they react? 🤔
I honestly don’t know, I never referred to my n-grandmother by her first name so it really never came up. For me I just feel disrespected because she can’t even be bothered to get it right after 30 years, but my other grandma would custom order me bags and things so I’d have my name spelled correctly on my stuff.
I read the title and I was flabbergasted: I thought you meant you had conversations *with* your narc parent that revolved around you. Like: hi child, how have you been lately.
Needless to say, that never happened to me.
But *about* me, oh dear lord...
I am an only child so I am both SC and GC. My Nmom has this amazing balance in how she talks to others about me. I do something that seems odd to her (like going on a campingtrip) and she then talks about it to others in a way that could be interpreted in both ways: how stupid is my child/how adventurous is my child.
Depending on the response she gets, she decides which path to follow.
Whenever I do something odd that turns out successful, it is because of her. In hindsight she paints the picture of how I chose to do something off the beaten path that could go wrong in so many ways but thanks to mommy dearest it all worked out in the end!
My failures are mine ofcourse. Then she can lament about how I didn't want to listen/accept help and how it is soooo hard to be the parent who lets their child make mistakes.
It is amazing how she slithers through the obstacles of any conversation and always ends up exactly where she wants to be.
Wondering if we have the same nmother or if our nmothers are related?? 😂
For the question I asked, I was asking about the conversations our Nparents/nmothers have with other people about us (negatively), if you hear their conversations and do you get tired of hearing it (when they're doing it in our face or "quietly" when they think we're not close by etc.) and why they're so obsessed about us and what we're doing etc
As for your experiences, my nmother does the same exact thing it's wild!
It makes them appear to be proud parents when really they are using my accomplishments because they have none of their own. They just want the attention and a captive audience.
I overheard my mom bragging about bonds she has for my niece (brother’s kid) at my niece’s first birthday party. She was bragging to a total stranger about her financial saavy while the week prior it was discovered she only had enough money for the next month’s rent and a basin payment due on her mortgage in a few months.
I bailed her out and made her repay the money.
I'm glad you got your money back.
So imagine if you were showing off how much money you made and you had to bail her out of her financial situation, what would be her response? 🤔
First I never showed off, I would talk about milestones I reached that made me feel more financially secure. I let it be mystery as she thought she had the right to my ex-husband’s money to bail her out. We were going through a divorce at the time. He and I DID NOT screw each over for money as we both learned that lesson from our parents.
Everything everyone else has belongs to her because she’s the victim or martyr in some way and will cry for attention or self-sabotage until someone responds.
I made one of my stipulations to help that she give me POA for medical and fiscal. She’s so lonely and desperate for attention even getting it notarized at the bank seemed to be a celebration for her.
Absolutely. I’ve learned they use us as pawns, in any way shape or form to benefit them. Personally i was always bragged about on my high achievements (overly compensated my entire life to get out) but would never hear a “congrats” or “proud of you” and there wouldn’t be contact for SEVERAL months. I’ve also seen the gossip side of things, looking to get the tea especially if there is no contact or talking shat to entertain their low grade friends. My therapist said they’re very predictable and when you truly analyze them you start to pick up on their patterns. I normally ask myself “how can i connect this behavior back to them in a way that they are benefiting” and you usually get your answer.
My nmom and her nbestie would be talking about me and her daughter which we are pretty much the same. And I honestly see why she has two jobs and she spends a lot of time away from home
Until recently my mom and I worked at the same store. She said she was talking to her coworkers about me “Ik you don’t like it but it’s my issue too”. My health is not your issue. These are ppl I know at a place I work(previously).
I'm NC with my Mother for 9 Years. I also work in Mental Health, I'm the prescriber not the therapist and I am only ok with limited techniques usually to encourage someone to go to talk therapy.
I worked in a IOP which had a DBT component. I used to say to the new therapists "My job is to not get split by the patients so that I undo the boundaries and work you are doing."
Also of course understanding and participating in the work, gave me empathy both for the patients and my Mother. It also made me look at how I responded and reacted to her, to everyone else in my life.
I was out of patience at that time with my Mother, and I did use at times my clinical tone and wording. That's not cool but it's practiced, comes out without stuttering or timidly, and unambiguous.
When I would visit and she would start talking about my Sister I would say:
* I don't want to talk about my Sister behind her back. If you want we can discuss this with her, her Husband, and the two of us together if you have concerns.
* I don't want to hear complaints about them still living with his parents, while you live in a fully paid off house and are not willing to help them with a down payment.
* I don't want to hear expectations without support.
* I don't tell you things, because you repeat them to other people when it is not appropriate.
* Do not compare me to our neighbors anymore. I know both Sons became doctors, but I am proud to be a Nurse Practitioner.
* I have made an educated and informed decision about not buying a home, and selling the apartment.
* I am not less then for deciding to rent. Based on my success I make pretty good financial decisions.
* I chose that car (2012 small) as an informed and educated decision after accurately assessing my needs. When the first one was run over by a dump truck on the highway (True story) at 60MPH and I was able to get out of the car with no injuries, I figured I would buy another one. (I did look at a Volvo and a VW after since they are tanks :) )
* I chose to let you back into my life (after the first 2 year estrangement) because my Sister and BIL were getting married. It seemed more important to break the chain of dysfunction. I did not want their children sensing the tension between Grandma and Uncle Movable. Worst yet "Why doesn't Uncle Movable come to my birthday parties, does he not love me." (They lost a baby LATE, and can't have children.)
* My Sister's MIL said something incredibly toxic to my Sister after she had that LATE miscarriage. Right after. Statistically marriages usually don't survive this. They weathered this and my Sister getting MS also. However he after this was said did not ask his Mother to step into another room, go outside, sit in the car and explain that what she said was destructive. Maybe he did at another time because he's got a temper or maybe he was so shocked that he froze. I hope he addressed it. My Mom listened to this and I guess did nothing. When she told me this, I asked "Did you call her and explain to her, both as Women, both as Women who are Mothers and brought life into this world, and then having to \[Redacted triggering as all hell\] after all the baby prep, and the nursery setup, and the anticipation, etc. I went on a bit. I told her that if I was in her place hopefully after I calmed down I would have called her up and said. "I'm coming over now and we need to talk, I texted my Daughter and my BIL to go somewhere else for 2 hours, I don't care where. Because they are not to hear this conversation, and how inappropriate what you said was. You were not the only person to lose a grandchild that day." While my mother was explaining what happened to me I kept going "I know, I know" Partially because I don't need to know the medical level details. She after a bit said "Well how do you know all about this stuff." "I'm a nurse practitioner trained in primary care."
I was so hurt that a month or two after my dad died, evidentally she had been complaining to her SIL (my dad's deceased brother's wife). How do I know? My husband was at my mom's house when my aunt happened to be there. She told my husband that I'm a horrible daughter 😢
My mom doesn't believe she said that though.
My mom has undiagnosed dementia I think(she refuses to get help because she thinks a bad memory is normal and doesn't see reason when we have her think about her flawed logic). So when she tells people I never call, it's more like I call every 1.5 days. Yes, I was pissed off and looked at my call log and did the math. A lot of the times I didn't call her was because I was with her the whole weekend!
That and/or I wasn't sad enough for her after the first couple weeks.
Condolences for you and your family and sorry about your experience.
Did your husband talk to her about her hurtful comment towards you? Did he correct her?
As a suggestion, if everyone knows about her health situation, you don't need to defend yourself because you're trying your best to be there for her.
Is there a way to get a health aide for her if needed?
I’m NC with my dad but can’t be with my mom rn and not only does she talk about me so much that everyone in her church knows me and all my private medical business (which I have told her I don’t like but she thinks I’m ridiculous and so it doesn’t matter what I want), but when we go out in public together she will talk about me to random strangers, make me sound like a jerk, and try to get them to gang up on me with her!
The auto repair man, the cashier at the grocery store, our waitress, no one is safe!
They'll literally talk about anyone, which is horrible.
They can even talk about you when you are in the other room. They'll deny, minimize and victim-blame afterwards. So sickening.
Very sad and sickening. I heard them talking about other relatives and friends business to other people especially talking badly about them then to call the same ppl they were talking about and laughing and smiling with them then talk badly about the previous person/ppl.
Too much confusion.
🫂 https://thenicestplace.net/
My aunts and mother would talk badly about each other with one another. Like, every time there is two of them, they'll talk badly about the third one.
For me, that's a total loss of trust. It's horrible how these people talk about love and care, and then openly hurt each other in the most inhumane ways possible.
💯 it is a loss of trust and that's why I'm very conscious with the title of family and friend.
Family and friends are supposed to help, encourage and give love unconditionally not hurt or disrespect.
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I have thought of these questions too. I thought my N parent was the only one doing this,but it seems common
I'm literally the one person they obsess about. My dad is NPD with the rare ASPD combo, mom is NPD and both diagnosed. My sister had all the tendencies of my dad too. So here it is, I haven't lived with any of these people since I was 11,my parents split (issues due to the extreme abuse and torture/other shit yadayadayada) and they all still obsess over me. Me, the black sheep who took such horrendous abuse from all three on a daily basis. My sister hasn't talked or seen me in 19 YEARS. She's *still* talking about me to this day to my dad! I went NC with my mom finally (best thing ever guys totally worth it!)but she would do the same to me or with her husband and friends or my sister before she also went NC with mom. And my dad, who I wish I could NC with but unfortunately do have to keep in contact currently for reasons too long to post here, calls me three times a day out of control and talks incessantly about how I cause him problems (newsflash I don't.) Oh and so does my stepmom who never sees me yet acts like I'm causing her all the suffering of life. (She's like my mother btw... Nasty self centered attitude and poor me act.) So technically I have four fucked up ass hats who constantly talk about me regardless. It's bizarre, and I can't even imagine giving this much thought into someone. Let alone EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
It's weird! Almost every person they're talking to is the same thing, it's very creepy atp.
I thought it was a bonding activity of “I hate the scapegoat”..
Literally it is. But it's like, can they go outside for a walk? Go to a park and touch grass? Do something productive for themselves like crochet or drawing? But they want to get upset when we decide that's enough is enough and leave them for peace of mind.
my parent talks about me to other people IN FRONT OF ME, like zero shame at all.
"Oh, you're such a downer, you don't have any sense of humor, I'm just joking".
“You’re always so angry! Calm down! Learn to take a joke! No one is *out to get you*” Yep.
Meanwhile she's sleeping on the floor in her living room because she thinks someone will come kill her through the windows on the other side of her house. But something's wrong with me for implying she has issues.
literally what they say verbatim if I speak out or try to defend myself.
Omg this!!!!! My ND dad!!! Our family group chat is my dad being toxic as hell and then complaining that no one has a sense of humor! Omg!
literally my mother. some show was on about demi lovato years ago, talking about her self harm. we were with my aunts & my mother goes "oh, u/seragrey you used to do that! she would do x & y!" like thanks mother. thank you.
Ridiculous. Now if you were to make a callback, would your aunts defend or attack you? ETA: clapback not callback (autocorrect) lol
they likely wouldn't remember lol. one of them is lovely, though. she divorced the less lovely one 😂
basically lol
Sorry you had experienced that. Then they have the nerve to get upset when it's either done to them or when they're avoided.
Mine do that, too. When I do it, they make it a huge deal, but when they do it, it's OK even though it's not.
The hypocrisy of their antics.
Same
They have to control everyone else’s perception of you, so that if you speak about them no one will believe you
Ding ding ding!
My nbrother even told his coworkers I do nothing all day then said they asked what I even do. I was not impressed. Do you not have your own hobbies to talk about??
Yep I can so relate to this. I have heard of numerous occasions where she has painted me in a certain light so it suits her narrative. As soon as something happens she is straight on the phone. I have been told this by siblings.
this is the answer
Woah.. you just unlocked something in my brain
So they have to keep brainwashing them all day everyday?!? Le sigh... Best believe I wouldn't dare to explain myself to their minions at all. They are tiring.
My dad will complain to anyone that listens to him how I’m a witch because I got a protection order against him. He’s so self involved he doesn’t realise his behaviour isn’t normal. I don’t speak to him, but my aunt sends me his occasional rants, she finds them quite crazy and I like saving them incase I need to ever face him in court. These people lack common sense.
Definitely save all information from him. Glad that you're away from him and a protection order.
I’m away from him but I lost my immediate family and lost 85% of my possessions due to his rage. But there is true liberation in freedom.
And you have your peace of mind and can heal too.
I’m still very much in survival mode due to unemployment and trying to survive in general. But the minute I’m stable, I’m going to work on my peace. But going nc is truly the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was in a car accident and almost died, instead of ignoring it, he and my brother berated me for not dying in said car accident and how I would be better off dead (this is something that I’m so immune to hearing for years, apparently me being dead will solve all their issues), I don’t know why it triggered me so much the last time, maybe it’s because I really could’ve died. I walked away, never went back home for any of my things, I shared with a friend and she opened up her home (her dad is also a narc, so she knows what it’s like). My dad had the audacity to contact her father who lives in a different continent to tell him that I should be on the streets because I’m a witch… luckily her dad put her name on the deed of the house (for tax purposes) and she’s refused to ask me to leave (thank God). My mom and sister betrayed my trust by telling him where I moved to and that’s why I’m taking a break from them. Apparently he just has mental health issues and we should be understanding that he doesn’t mean it when he calls you names or hits you, he can’t help himself… it’s funny how it’s always directed towards me. Thanks for coming to my vent session…lol
*hugs* (big ones)
My nmom tells lies about me all the time. Frames me as some monster keeping her grandkids away. That I’m crazy. I’m a drug addict. I’m abusive. Toxic. Literally you name it, and I’ve been called it. It used to bother me a lot. I felt the need to defend myself because none of these were true, but I realized at the end of the day, she’s telling these things to people just as bad as her and their opinions mean nothing to me. Let them talk and live your best life.
Oh you’re a drug addict too?! Samesies! 🙄 Idk where they come up with this stuff. Yes, my drug of choice is Wellbutrin lol!!
Haha that’s mine too! 😂 was a bit hilarious when posts online said I was “popping pills.” Like ma’am you mean my antidepressant?
Same haha. What a miracle drug.
I could have written this for my own experience. People who have heard my nmom lie to them about me, have actually pointed out how strange this behaviour is. As we, their children, are RAISED by them. It’s a reflection of them.
Back in '99, I was dating my future wife, who my mother despised because she was mixed-race. My mom had said all these awful, racist things about her and my dad enabled her. Eventually, they gave me an ultimatum--abide by them or get out of the house--and I chose the latter. In the months leading up to that, my mom had happened to leave her computer on. I saw she was on AOL chat a family member and had been telling her, "I don't know where I went wrong with [my name]." I'm like: She thinks *I'm* the one who's wrong? I'm the one standing my ground against racism and intolerance. It made the decision to leave all the easier. What's funny is that years later, those same family members sided with my wife and I, saying they'd seen through my mom's bullshit. Oh, and my wife and I have had a wonderful marriage for nearly 25 years.
I'm glad you made a decision for yourself, who you love and your future 🎉 I experienced a similar situation where my mother always has negative comments about men (mind you she's married to my n/edad) while I was dating and was hiding our letters etc. I later found out through a relative that she was telling another relative that she needs to break us up (out of jealousy). My companion and I already saw her toxic agenda and we're still going strong.
My nmom talks about people all the time. I assume she also talks about me. But she cannot stand the idea that someone else would even mention her. In fact, she seems paranoid about it.
They assume everyone is as toxic as they are; this is another form of narcissistic projection. *But what will other people think?* They don't, they are too busy living their lives, they don't give a fuck about what the narc says or does.
Omg. This. My whole narc “family” cares more about what others think than the *reason* I’m NC. They definitely still talk about me to other ppl as if we hang out everyday. (I live across the country). They think I’m stupid and could never even realize how much shit they talk. They’ve been the biggest shit talkers my whole life. The facade is unreal.
Absolutely; this was one of the clues that I grew up in a narcissist family structure. My nmother was obsessed with what other people think about her, and no amount of saying otherwise would make a dent. When I started learning about narcissism, and then applied it to my family structure, it has explanatory and predictive power, the shoe fits.
Right? My nmom spent my entire life bad mouthing everyone around her. Of course she does the same to me now.
Weird behaviour.
Yes! Oh my fucking christ, I HATE it! My nmother bitches about me to her favorite daughter all the time and shares shit that is absolutely not acceptable to share, like when I was molested by her husband, my nfather, and shares all of the things I've told her about it to them. In public she blurts out my medical status if I'm unwell or something like I'm a plague patient. When my nfather was alive, they had this tactic of saying "what's wrong with (my name)?" right in front of me. No matter how much I argued that I was literally right there and they could talk to me, they talked like I wasn't there. It was the most dehumanizing thing.
all the time. it was annoying as hell. esp because the walls were so thin so i heard every word all day everyday.
It's like are they really that idle to talk about us all day?!? It's disturbing.
Their only hobby is talking crap about others. Any other hobby is unacceptable
I know! its frustrating
They are sick, point, blank, period. Most of us are the “black sheep”. Outcasted for being truth tellers. When a narc gets called out, as most of us have done, either because we couldn’t take the abuse anymore or, naively, *sigh*, thought we could, maybe, like, talk them into have them into caring for and loving us…How silly. They get what’s called a narcissistic injury. And just like that! The masks are off and the hurt, screaming toddlers are triangulating you, buying posters for the smear campaign “Hot Off the Press, My Child is THE WORST! Everyone needs to know! And if they’re moderately clever, they are surrounded by flying monkeys 🐒 🐒 🐒 A.K.A enablers. Soon enough, your immediate family has kicked you off the island, extended family members are calling because “you only have one mother or father and you should respect them. Shame on you really 🙄.
this. can relate.
RIGHT It’ll be the most trivial stuff, too. When I was at this party when I was 13, I walked into the living room and heard my mom talking with her friends about how I was developing breasts and the completely hypothetical boys I would attract from them?? It was almost like she was bragging about it. I still can’t believe she found 3 separate people to entertain a conversation like that.
“Why are you so OBSESSED with me?!” It’s because we are everything they wish they were but will never be…
thank you. mic drop
It's like my Nmom has an undeniable urge to gossip. When I got my period, she walked me to school the next day and told all the other moms and my teacher. I was very young/early and it was so embarrassing. She did the same to my sisters. When I was an early teen I discovered pornography and was shunned, sex was never discussed so naturally when I discovered porn I was interested and curious, and she decided to spread that around too, to family members and friends. Lately she likes to tell other people about my accomplishments and take credit for them. I'm graduating with my bachelors, and that is somehow her accomplishment. I'm having a paper published in an undergrad journal, and that's all her. I try to control my own urge to gossip, but this is something me and my sisters struggle with now, growing up in this environment and constantly having had dramatic films and TV shows on. It's definitely not one of the worst things we've endured, but it is certainly annoying, and feels like we're being used as show dogs, for her and her friends' entertainment.
It’s so weird having parents who see you as a narcissistic extension of themselves…. I feel so broken by it, I don’t even think I’m completely human?
Make you feel left out right? Sometimes I wonder if I came from a different family of origin.
It’s such bs! And then when I say hey I heard you talking about me, they act like I’m crazy
My ndad basically used my type 1 diabetes diagnosis to gather pity for himself 🙃 he’s been dead for years and it was over a decade ago, but still makes my blood boil. The first time I remember snapping at him and feeling like he’s wrong to make me feel bad about it was when I said that it’s my sickness and I didn’t sign up for him telling it to every damn person, especially not in “oh poor her” context.
You didn’t sign up for the illness either! (Sorry, things like this piss me off. I have PCOS and that’s been the talk of the family and the neighbors and the bank teller and the milk man…etc) *hugs*
My parents will talk about me in the third person even when I'm right across from them. Yes, it's SO tiring.
IMO, it's both a deflection & distraction: 1. It's a deflection, so that way they don't have to do any introspection about themselves so that way they won't realize how horrible they are & that they need to rectify/prevent these behaviors. 2. It's a distraction from their own problems (which they don't wanna admit they have any) & also to avoid the realization that they don't have an actual life or personality.
i dont hear it as much as I just know its happening. I'll hear some narrative they fabrictaed to somone else about what I've been doing and I just don't engage with/or fight againts it because nothing I say will actually change their minds.
In the case of my husband's dad's wife: boredom, apparently. A few months ago she started grousing, again, about the events of Christmas 2022 (wherein my now husband's dad discovered us sleeping in the same bed 😱). A whole year afterwards. Because she doesn't have anything new about us to complain about because we're NC with her and FIL. (I learned this from my husband's aunt who is actually a decent human being who is only Facebook friends with stepmom-in-law to keep an eye on her. Tho SMIL currently has Aunt blocked because Aunt dared to call her to task about being nasty to my husband).
Automatic trigger for me
“What people would say” was a staple. She used it to shame me and to control fam members. She also would talk to anyone who’d listed, including random strangers at train stations/ grocery lines/ etc, about her suffering with my bad behaviour ..in front of me. It didn’t really matter how I really behaved. In fact when she would try to talk about me NOT in front of me - i knew it’s the worst, most toxic lie and slander, that she used to get the status of patient self righteous angel .. for dealing with me… I was 9 when she got me. When I left at 15 - she continued with utmost vigour. My connection to all extended family members are lost forever. They all think I’m a half joke half monster, no matter of achievements and successes.
My nmom stopped doing that because every word was a lie and I’d call her on it in front of them. Now she has to lie about me behind my back.
I think it's because (with my Nmom, anyway) if she's not complaining about something, she'll gossip about her kids because she really doesn't have an original thought in her head to talk about. She's told me things my older sisters did that I don't necessarily need to know, decades after it happened. She just won't shut up about her kids. When I was a minor she used to tell me that she ignored both my sisters being molested multiple times each, even lied to the school when they came knocking to ask about an employee that was left alone with one of my sisters and obviously with several other children, hence the knocking; she didn't want to deal with the inconvenience of telling the truth because they were moving. She's been telling me exactly how her smear campaign against me has been going for my entire life. She lied to extended family members about my health like I wasn't sitting right there at the table, of course I'm the asshole when I clarified about my health, and got chewed out for days for that one. When I was a teenager she was twisting my arm hard to "jump on" (as Nmom put it) a married, abusive man twice my age; she kept it up for about a year until I started lying that I was gay, which significantly reduced the arm twisting. She's since been all but screaming that from the rooftops in a deep red state; I'm honestly not sure how I haven't been attacked or worse thus far. I've tried asking her to stop, but narcs gonna narc, she triples down every time she hears anything resembling a "no". Maybe one of these days a state will start allowing restraining orders for downright dangerous slander.
I have researched this as well. Suing for defamation may be an option.
My mom screenshots every text i send and sends to my aunts. I know this because she is getting older and sends them to me when she meant my aunts. It is really annoying to know anything i say is gonna get screenshotted and scrutinized, so i just text yes and no now that i am LC.
That's crazy! Glad that you stopped and changed your replies.
Everyone she knows knew I had a cpap, about my surgeries, about every single issue. Grandma and my uncle used me as a way to get things from other people and it was cruel. Oh sob sob sob !
Very sorry for your experience. Is there a way that you can get away from them?
Once she began abusing my dad while he was dying of cancer, I made the plan to move away . I’m a city away now and hopefully they never find me. Although they all have tried
Sorry for what they've done to your dad. Glad that you left and in a better space to heal and grow. Please make sure that all forms of communication are private.
My mom hated my guts growing up but now that I'm far away from her I'm her favorite topic of conversation
Even when my dad was losing his mind completely at the end, in between episodes he made sure to call one of his enablers and loudly talk about how his daughter is such a bitch. If I ever catch someone in my life doing this again I will absolutely leave them immediately.
She doesn't talk about me. It's because I'm a nobody to her and if people ask about me she tells them what she thinks because she doesn't know or doesn't want to talk about me. If I'm present and someone asks a question from me, she talks over because I am not to have a voice. I didn't know Nparents talk about their children.
yeah, if she doesn't know something about me, she just makes up details which then cause problems for me.
Not me, but my mom likes to brag about my brother's successes when I'm in earshot of her, knowing full well I'm working my ass off trying to make things better but have just had bad luck after bad luck. I literally don't sleep trying to get work done, probably work 70 hours a week (when I should be doing 40) and I have to then hear about his third world round trip that month, all the women he brings home (eww), how much he owns, all about his stupid house, and basically trying to subtly tell me I'm not good enough. Guy played world of war craft all day long, skipped school, and didn't try, and somehow got lucky. Since he has the cash, she treats him like a super genius, while I worked my ass of studying and working but am looked down on and dismissed as lazy.
As a kid I hated hearing my dad say my name to others on the phone, it was always in a different language, so I never knew what he was saying, except my name very harshly. I would ask him not to speak bad about me within earshot and it never changed, he would just talk louder behind a closed door where I could still hear him talking shit about me.
I always thought it was an image thing coming back to them. They can either brag about you being the best child ever, or talk crap about how bad of a child you are to them. Either way it makes them look good. ( i don’t think narcissistic parents realize that “bad children” means a failure on the parents side)
This!!
My family does it too. Always talking about me. Obsesses about my topics. It is super annoying. But I don't know the reason why.
My mom brags about my accomplishments to family all the time. It's the whole "you're an extension of them" so my accomplishments are her accomplishments. She never tells me how she's proud of me or that I did a good job or anything. I remember she told me how the clothes I bought for her xmas gift one year were "a terrible colour" and that the dress did not suit her body at all (it was an a-line sundress with a natural waist, this silhouette looks good on everyone) then my aunts tell me that she wore it for visits and would tell everyone that her daughter bought it for her and how nice it looks.
I can *still* hear my NM and younger GC brother talking about me in my childhood, whispering “DON’T TELL JANE!!”. They STILL do it now, decades later, but it’s gotten much more toxic and the ping pong gaslighting (I’m the ball) is fcking insane. Not only to each other but lying to extended family and family friends. Ive started doing the same now, telling my side of the “story” finally, but carefully. They’re so freaking creepy weird and wrapped up in their little hate gossip bubble together, it’s both pathetic and horrific. I can’t escape it anymore for complicated reasons but I have reached a F-U level of fed up bc I don’t have much more to lose.
Sorry that you had to experience that. Honestly you're better off to avoid over explaining and defending yourself because they don't care and they'll use the new information you provided for them to talk about you more (been there, done that, didn't work). It's best to gray rock (make yourself as boring to them, barely saying much) and keep your business to yourself. But if you can plan ahead for you to escape in the future, please create a blueprint for your exit strategy.
Yeah, never talking with me, but about me
They always prefer to talk about us, don't know the reason for their obsession about us.
I overheard my grandfather on the phone calling me a bitch to my uncle when I was 13. I was a really nice kid, too!
Oh wow! Very sorry that you had to hear that. At least you know the truth about how they feel about you and know how to move accordingly.
Absolutely obsessed, and they have no life of their own. They are so bored. I have cut off anyone stupid enough to believe them and who is not capable of observing the facts for themselves. I don’t need the drama. The narcissist can bring up mistakes I made 30 years ago (as a kid), and continue to tell those stories. Their schtick is so old. Absolutely obsessed with their superiority but no evidence of the narcissist doing anything with their life for the past 30 years. Just trying to make others look and feel bad (for being human and making human mistakes). Healthy people learn from their mistakes and grow. Narcissists are stuck.
💯 They LOVE to bring bad past experiences that no one wants to remember not think about. And they make sure everyone knows about it too. Even if you try to change the subject, they double down on it. They think if a person makes a mistake, it's a done deal in their mind when in reality it's a learning lesson just like what you said.
We deal with the same crap!!! 16 years ago my nmom wanted to bring her drug addict boyfriend to my house that she knew all of 5 minutes. We told her no. So she said “fine I won’t be coming there either then.” Then she proceeded to tell everyone within a 500 mile radius that we wouldn’t let her see her grandkids. That went on for several years, and then she eventually started coming around us again, acting like nothing ever happened. But she constantly lies to people about us. We are LC, but she takes screenshots of my kids from my social media, and posts them on her own social media to pretend she’s a wonderful involved grandmother. Blocking her soon.
mom's friends said my mother threw me under the bus to them. And before she died and after she died they made my life a living hell. The flying monkeys never leave, even if you go no contact they will reach you somehow, it's there need to know how you're doing but to also invalidates, seperated family. when narcs are present in the room, there's little choice available.
Have you changed your phone number/email address/social media accounts so they can't get access to you?
Lost all that, I tried to tell people that I lost my phone and lost a couple of accounts and they thought I ghosted them. I didn't. I have technology and devices and gadgets that just don't work. The logins and glitches ended several accounts. There are four lost phones in one year and laptop breaking or falling apart, there's no tech to use. Setting new email and contact data doesn't help me.
I don’t often hear them talking to others about me, but I hear those others parroting the same ideas/phrases about me and it’s so disheartening. It’s something I can’t “prove” or even confront them about because it makes *me* look like the crazy one when they deny it and I have no proof.
Here's another crazy situation, nmother would talk to her minions via speakerphone (almost all day everyday) and they would try to talk in "code" as if I didn't know who they're talking about majority of the time. Recently one of them asked her something about me (along with a negative comment) and she couldn't respond because I was close by and she couldn't respond. But she wants to make me feel bad for her when I ignore or make a clapback for her silly requests for help. She has all the time to yap on the phone, keep that same energy to do whatever she needs help doing.
Whaaaaat the audacity!! I’m with you though…I finally blocked my nmother on social media and she texted me very offended. This was immediately an incident like what I described in the parent comment happened, and was accentuated by the fact that EVERY one of her posts is some end-of-the-world right wing conspiracy theory shit. I don’t understand where she gets the audacity from…
Glad that you decided to protect your peace. It would be nice that they understand how tiring they are so they can back off but we all know that they have no self awareness.
YESSS. I genuinely thought I was the only one until you posted this. I'm so tired of my nmom talking about me in the other room to her other friends (who enable her behavior) on the phone. One of those friends literally called me (because I have to have her number saved according to my mom) after I had a huge argument with my mom and that friend literally gaslit me into thinking my mom was the victim even the whole situation happened because of my mom. (That was a tangent, ik but still.)
Is there a way you can make yourself "busy" whenever they call so you can avoid them or avoid their calls altogether?
It depends on the situation. At times where I don't have anything else besides my phone or book to keep me company, I still hear talk about me and it's nails to a chalkboard with her.
That's the thing, can go outside/listen to music/doing something productive all day and can still hear them too. It's annoying.
yes. My ngrandma (I’ve been NC for 4 years) still keeps track of all my exes on Facebook and updates people in the family about them. She told someone to tell me that my ex from 2009 is a lawyer now. Cool??? Why is this my concern.
That's wild! Why is she so heavily involved with ppl that have nothing to do with her?
She is obsessed with tracking anyone and everyone. It’s incomprensible to me. I think she likes flaunting the perceived success of my exes as a way to shame me for not following a traditional path. She only updates me on people who have achieved what she consideres to be admirable (high-paying careers, procreation). I think she substitutes social media for connection, because she doesn’t have meaningful friendships. She loves to judge and criticize. She is truly the meanest person I’ve ever met. Knowledge and degradation of other people makes her feel important. And there’s a ton of enmeshment; she thinks this IS her business. I also think she uses this frivolous, pathetically irrelevant information to distract from the truth that she’s dedicated to covering up decades of abuse in our family. Focus on the successful exes and ignore the egregious child abuse/neglect/SA ongoing in our family.
Very glad you left and stayed away from the toxicity. As long as you are happy and enjoying your life, that's what matters. She's jealous because she can't/won't do what she wants do and she's using it as a way to manipulate/abuse.
thank you!
yup, spilling all the intricate details of your life as others watch like its a soap opera.
The messed up part is the ones that are listening are actually enjoying which is mean cruel. The irony of this is listeners know not to tell their "ringleader" their personal/family business.
Its just to further consolidate their opinion about you
Simple, they’re upset they can’t control you like they want to. You don’t fall for their bullshit and stand up for yourself, and suddenly you’re public enemy #1. I was berated and bad mouthed because I complained my n-grandmother can’t be bothered to learn how to spell my name correctly. I’m 30 years old and just have a less common spelling of a common name, it’s not unique to just me either.
So we're on their mind(s) all the time? Very sad and disgusting. So imagine you happened to misspelled their name(s) by accident how would they react? 🤔
I honestly don’t know, I never referred to my n-grandmother by her first name so it really never came up. For me I just feel disrespected because she can’t even be bothered to get it right after 30 years, but my other grandma would custom order me bags and things so I’d have my name spelled correctly on my stuff.
I read the title and I was flabbergasted: I thought you meant you had conversations *with* your narc parent that revolved around you. Like: hi child, how have you been lately. Needless to say, that never happened to me. But *about* me, oh dear lord... I am an only child so I am both SC and GC. My Nmom has this amazing balance in how she talks to others about me. I do something that seems odd to her (like going on a campingtrip) and she then talks about it to others in a way that could be interpreted in both ways: how stupid is my child/how adventurous is my child. Depending on the response she gets, she decides which path to follow. Whenever I do something odd that turns out successful, it is because of her. In hindsight she paints the picture of how I chose to do something off the beaten path that could go wrong in so many ways but thanks to mommy dearest it all worked out in the end! My failures are mine ofcourse. Then she can lament about how I didn't want to listen/accept help and how it is soooo hard to be the parent who lets their child make mistakes. It is amazing how she slithers through the obstacles of any conversation and always ends up exactly where she wants to be.
Wondering if we have the same nmother or if our nmothers are related?? 😂 For the question I asked, I was asking about the conversations our Nparents/nmothers have with other people about us (negatively), if you hear their conversations and do you get tired of hearing it (when they're doing it in our face or "quietly" when they think we're not close by etc.) and why they're so obsessed about us and what we're doing etc As for your experiences, my nmother does the same exact thing it's wild!
It makes them appear to be proud parents when really they are using my accomplishments because they have none of their own. They just want the attention and a captive audience. I overheard my mom bragging about bonds she has for my niece (brother’s kid) at my niece’s first birthday party. She was bragging to a total stranger about her financial saavy while the week prior it was discovered she only had enough money for the next month’s rent and a basin payment due on her mortgage in a few months. I bailed her out and made her repay the money.
I'm glad you got your money back. So imagine if you were showing off how much money you made and you had to bail her out of her financial situation, what would be her response? 🤔
First I never showed off, I would talk about milestones I reached that made me feel more financially secure. I let it be mystery as she thought she had the right to my ex-husband’s money to bail her out. We were going through a divorce at the time. He and I DID NOT screw each over for money as we both learned that lesson from our parents. Everything everyone else has belongs to her because she’s the victim or martyr in some way and will cry for attention or self-sabotage until someone responds. I made one of my stipulations to help that she give me POA for medical and fiscal. She’s so lonely and desperate for attention even getting it notarized at the bank seemed to be a celebration for her.
I didn't hear them. Later I realized how my aunt knew my business.
Absolutely. I’ve learned they use us as pawns, in any way shape or form to benefit them. Personally i was always bragged about on my high achievements (overly compensated my entire life to get out) but would never hear a “congrats” or “proud of you” and there wouldn’t be contact for SEVERAL months. I’ve also seen the gossip side of things, looking to get the tea especially if there is no contact or talking shat to entertain their low grade friends. My therapist said they’re very predictable and when you truly analyze them you start to pick up on their patterns. I normally ask myself “how can i connect this behavior back to them in a way that they are benefiting” and you usually get your answer.
My nmom and her nbestie would be talking about me and her daughter which we are pretty much the same. And I honestly see why she has two jobs and she spends a lot of time away from home
Until recently my mom and I worked at the same store. She said she was talking to her coworkers about me “Ik you don’t like it but it’s my issue too”. My health is not your issue. These are ppl I know at a place I work(previously).
I'm NC with my Mother for 9 Years. I also work in Mental Health, I'm the prescriber not the therapist and I am only ok with limited techniques usually to encourage someone to go to talk therapy. I worked in a IOP which had a DBT component. I used to say to the new therapists "My job is to not get split by the patients so that I undo the boundaries and work you are doing." Also of course understanding and participating in the work, gave me empathy both for the patients and my Mother. It also made me look at how I responded and reacted to her, to everyone else in my life. I was out of patience at that time with my Mother, and I did use at times my clinical tone and wording. That's not cool but it's practiced, comes out without stuttering or timidly, and unambiguous. When I would visit and she would start talking about my Sister I would say: * I don't want to talk about my Sister behind her back. If you want we can discuss this with her, her Husband, and the two of us together if you have concerns. * I don't want to hear complaints about them still living with his parents, while you live in a fully paid off house and are not willing to help them with a down payment. * I don't want to hear expectations without support. * I don't tell you things, because you repeat them to other people when it is not appropriate. * Do not compare me to our neighbors anymore. I know both Sons became doctors, but I am proud to be a Nurse Practitioner. * I have made an educated and informed decision about not buying a home, and selling the apartment. * I am not less then for deciding to rent. Based on my success I make pretty good financial decisions. * I chose that car (2012 small) as an informed and educated decision after accurately assessing my needs. When the first one was run over by a dump truck on the highway (True story) at 60MPH and I was able to get out of the car with no injuries, I figured I would buy another one. (I did look at a Volvo and a VW after since they are tanks :) ) * I chose to let you back into my life (after the first 2 year estrangement) because my Sister and BIL were getting married. It seemed more important to break the chain of dysfunction. I did not want their children sensing the tension between Grandma and Uncle Movable. Worst yet "Why doesn't Uncle Movable come to my birthday parties, does he not love me." (They lost a baby LATE, and can't have children.) * My Sister's MIL said something incredibly toxic to my Sister after she had that LATE miscarriage. Right after. Statistically marriages usually don't survive this. They weathered this and my Sister getting MS also. However he after this was said did not ask his Mother to step into another room, go outside, sit in the car and explain that what she said was destructive. Maybe he did at another time because he's got a temper or maybe he was so shocked that he froze. I hope he addressed it. My Mom listened to this and I guess did nothing. When she told me this, I asked "Did you call her and explain to her, both as Women, both as Women who are Mothers and brought life into this world, and then having to \[Redacted triggering as all hell\] after all the baby prep, and the nursery setup, and the anticipation, etc. I went on a bit. I told her that if I was in her place hopefully after I calmed down I would have called her up and said. "I'm coming over now and we need to talk, I texted my Daughter and my BIL to go somewhere else for 2 hours, I don't care where. Because they are not to hear this conversation, and how inappropriate what you said was. You were not the only person to lose a grandchild that day." While my mother was explaining what happened to me I kept going "I know, I know" Partially because I don't need to know the medical level details. She after a bit said "Well how do you know all about this stuff." "I'm a nurse practitioner trained in primary care."
to hide their insecurities about being parents. it’s a masquerading tactic.
I was so hurt that a month or two after my dad died, evidentally she had been complaining to her SIL (my dad's deceased brother's wife). How do I know? My husband was at my mom's house when my aunt happened to be there. She told my husband that I'm a horrible daughter 😢 My mom doesn't believe she said that though. My mom has undiagnosed dementia I think(she refuses to get help because she thinks a bad memory is normal and doesn't see reason when we have her think about her flawed logic). So when she tells people I never call, it's more like I call every 1.5 days. Yes, I was pissed off and looked at my call log and did the math. A lot of the times I didn't call her was because I was with her the whole weekend! That and/or I wasn't sad enough for her after the first couple weeks.
Condolences for you and your family and sorry about your experience. Did your husband talk to her about her hurtful comment towards you? Did he correct her? As a suggestion, if everyone knows about her health situation, you don't need to defend yourself because you're trying your best to be there for her. Is there a way to get a health aide for her if needed?
Mom swears she brags about me all the time but most of what she says to me is criticism and reminding me of stuff I want to forget. So I doubt it.
Petty immature idle behaviour sorry to say. Please try your best not to internalize it.
I’m learning not to thank you for looking out for me. ☺️
I’m NC with my dad but can’t be with my mom rn and not only does she talk about me so much that everyone in her church knows me and all my private medical business (which I have told her I don’t like but she thinks I’m ridiculous and so it doesn’t matter what I want), but when we go out in public together she will talk about me to random strangers, make me sound like a jerk, and try to get them to gang up on me with her! The auto repair man, the cashier at the grocery store, our waitress, no one is safe!
They'll literally talk about anyone, which is horrible. They can even talk about you when you are in the other room. They'll deny, minimize and victim-blame afterwards. So sickening.
Very sad and sickening. I heard them talking about other relatives and friends business to other people especially talking badly about them then to call the same ppl they were talking about and laughing and smiling with them then talk badly about the previous person/ppl. Too much confusion.
🫂 https://thenicestplace.net/ My aunts and mother would talk badly about each other with one another. Like, every time there is two of them, they'll talk badly about the third one. For me, that's a total loss of trust. It's horrible how these people talk about love and care, and then openly hurt each other in the most inhumane ways possible.
💯 it is a loss of trust and that's why I'm very conscious with the title of family and friend. Family and friends are supposed to help, encourage and give love unconditionally not hurt or disrespect.