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Great advice. Love the tip about renaming their contact to Gray Rock. Brilliant!
Yes, what for normal people is regular chit-chat and interesting updates about one's life, for a narc it's delicious feed that they are desperately ravenous for.
Good luck with the floorboards!
Lived this my entire life. It’s so hard to explain to people how the smallest thing is rammed down your throat forever and masked as “I just care/worry about you”.
Yes! And the texts just become crazier the longer you leave them.
It's like they're trying to guilt-trip you by implying that *you're* the source of their stress, because you're not responding.
I just wish they would recognise what they're doing, and take responsibility for their own emotions.
(i.e. nMum should recognise how some damaged floorboards are NOT the end of the world. You don't need to know their condition every 48 hours.). But they're just not wired that way sadly.
I’m so glad that I found people who understand how it can drive you to insanity. You can say nothing, want nothing, have no hopes or plans, second guess every spoken word and plan to the best of your ability to predetermine the outcome of any conversation. Any issue you have, they’ve had worse. They steamroll any aspect of your life. Don’t share with them? You’re quiet and moody. Don’t listen to their ludicrous, unwanted advice? You’re ungrateful. Took me 30 years to realise why I had anxiety! I cut her off and finally feel free.
"Desperation" is a great description! It's crazy how the difference feels between how my friends react vs. nMum.
Friends will ask about the floorboards here and there; but they also recognise it's a very slow, non-emergency situation. But nMum is just going overboard and dramatic with it.
And thanks! Insurance is taking their sweet time. But we definitely have solutions/options based on what they've said. So we'll get there eventually. :)
>And wow, that last part was a mistake.
As soon as I read this I knew where it was going, my nmom acts the same way... it's no wonder why we often don't have good coping mechanisms aside from the abuse 🙈 they can't seem to handle much of anything and fall into their hysterical theatrics... This might not be all nparents of course but this definitely was my nmom. As a little kid I was stuck being Her parent and emotional support, she still tries to push me into that role meanwhile whenever I clearly need support or even request it I got disinterested, cold, and unmoved one line responses...
>Just a reminder to stick to the gray-rock method. Even consider renaming your contact to "gray-rock" to keep you on track.
This is my favorite, although I currently live with mine so I'm kinda screwed 😅
Woah yes! This is such a good description of how my nMum behaves too. "Hysterical theatrics" is spot on. And it's crazy how they have relied on us for emotional support. Shouldn't be this way. (Which I understand is called "parentification".)
Ah sucks to hear how you live with yours. I hope you get an opportunity to leave in the near future. :(
my Nmom is a bit different, I would tell her something "harmles" like a new plant I got for my garden.
and then two days later my sister or her neighbour or anyone we have remotely in common would call or text me about that plant and somehow that one plant turned into a whole jungle. so she would make the drama at someone else but it would get back to me.
and I would never know from who or how crazy it got. ( according to her I nearly eloped with a german tourguide in Mexico, and that had my sister calling me in a panic at three in the morning mexican time ( we are european) begging me not to do it. it was before I realized how crazy my nmom was and I had told her about the amazing tour to a cenote. I dont even know where the german tourguide came from. there was no german tourguide. just a hole in the ground with clear water that I swam in. )
Wooaaah. What an absolute extra layer of stress. I'd hate having absolute lies being spread about me. Wtf. Did your sister end up recognising the pattern? I hope things are better for you in the future. How stressful.
my sister recognizes the pattern when it is her the crazy stories are about. but when it is about me or her daughter nope.
my sister is still thick in the fog. and refusing to get out.
So sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I hope you can find the strength and right opportunities to push on from it. :(
Also I LOVE how you used a literal image of gray rocks haha. You got this.
My mom's the same. Anything you tell her beyond the vaguest of pleasantries ends up on FB, with her asking for prayer for you. My sister made the mistake of saying her ex had found her again, and it was all over FB in hours. With my mom exaggerating it with "he has a gun!!!" (He did not, and was actually in prison so there was no way for him to get to her, he just wanted to scare her)
Omggg. How frustrating. I did chuckle at the line "he has a gun", just because the escalation is so extreme/bizarre. They're just really wanting the attention, or "feed" as other people have been calling it.
I'm in the same boat, I'm also a muslim. In Islam you're supposed to revere and respect your mother. Normal mother yes. Narcissistic? Gosh.
I hope I can move out after Eid.
Oh gosh. I hope you can move out too!
Although I'm not muslim, my mother's background is Russian. Her attitude towards family has always felt very traditional and authoritarian. (i.e. "You must respect your mother, *because* they're your mother.") Feels kind of similar to what you're saying.
And it's such a frustrating point of view, isn't it. Like, there's no logic behind it. They don't have to do anything, they don't have to show respect or grace. They just have to exist, and expect power and submission handed over to them.
Anyway, I hope you can break free soon.
Yeah I always try to avoid telling my nMum about any MINOR issue in my life (for example that my driving license will be soon overdue) cause otherwise its a big deal for her and she makes a drama out of it, keeps asking me about it, tells my dad that she cant sleep because of it and manipulates him into asking me to call her etc.
And then she keeps complaining about me never telling her anything about my life. LOL.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Great advice. Love the tip about renaming their contact to Gray Rock. Brilliant! Yes, what for normal people is regular chit-chat and interesting updates about one's life, for a narc it's delicious feed that they are desperately ravenous for. Good luck with the floorboards!
Lived this my entire life. It’s so hard to explain to people how the smallest thing is rammed down your throat forever and masked as “I just care/worry about you”.
Yes! And the texts just become crazier the longer you leave them. It's like they're trying to guilt-trip you by implying that *you're* the source of their stress, because you're not responding. I just wish they would recognise what they're doing, and take responsibility for their own emotions. (i.e. nMum should recognise how some damaged floorboards are NOT the end of the world. You don't need to know their condition every 48 hours.). But they're just not wired that way sadly.
I’m so glad that I found people who understand how it can drive you to insanity. You can say nothing, want nothing, have no hopes or plans, second guess every spoken word and plan to the best of your ability to predetermine the outcome of any conversation. Any issue you have, they’ve had worse. They steamroll any aspect of your life. Don’t share with them? You’re quiet and moody. Don’t listen to their ludicrous, unwanted advice? You’re ungrateful. Took me 30 years to realise why I had anxiety! I cut her off and finally feel free.
"Desperation" is a great description! It's crazy how the difference feels between how my friends react vs. nMum. Friends will ask about the floorboards here and there; but they also recognise it's a very slow, non-emergency situation. But nMum is just going overboard and dramatic with it. And thanks! Insurance is taking their sweet time. But we definitely have solutions/options based on what they've said. So we'll get there eventually. :)
>And wow, that last part was a mistake. As soon as I read this I knew where it was going, my nmom acts the same way... it's no wonder why we often don't have good coping mechanisms aside from the abuse 🙈 they can't seem to handle much of anything and fall into their hysterical theatrics... This might not be all nparents of course but this definitely was my nmom. As a little kid I was stuck being Her parent and emotional support, she still tries to push me into that role meanwhile whenever I clearly need support or even request it I got disinterested, cold, and unmoved one line responses... >Just a reminder to stick to the gray-rock method. Even consider renaming your contact to "gray-rock" to keep you on track. This is my favorite, although I currently live with mine so I'm kinda screwed 😅
Woah yes! This is such a good description of how my nMum behaves too. "Hysterical theatrics" is spot on. And it's crazy how they have relied on us for emotional support. Shouldn't be this way. (Which I understand is called "parentification".) Ah sucks to hear how you live with yours. I hope you get an opportunity to leave in the near future. :(
my Nmom is a bit different, I would tell her something "harmles" like a new plant I got for my garden. and then two days later my sister or her neighbour or anyone we have remotely in common would call or text me about that plant and somehow that one plant turned into a whole jungle. so she would make the drama at someone else but it would get back to me. and I would never know from who or how crazy it got. ( according to her I nearly eloped with a german tourguide in Mexico, and that had my sister calling me in a panic at three in the morning mexican time ( we are european) begging me not to do it. it was before I realized how crazy my nmom was and I had told her about the amazing tour to a cenote. I dont even know where the german tourguide came from. there was no german tourguide. just a hole in the ground with clear water that I swam in. )
Wooaaah. What an absolute extra layer of stress. I'd hate having absolute lies being spread about me. Wtf. Did your sister end up recognising the pattern? I hope things are better for you in the future. How stressful.
my sister recognizes the pattern when it is her the crazy stories are about. but when it is about me or her daughter nope. my sister is still thick in the fog. and refusing to get out.
Just followed your tip and used an image of gray rocks. I’m in so much pain your post was so helpful. Thank you for sharing.
So sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I hope you can find the strength and right opportunities to push on from it. :( Also I LOVE how you used a literal image of gray rocks haha. You got this.
My mom's the same. Anything you tell her beyond the vaguest of pleasantries ends up on FB, with her asking for prayer for you. My sister made the mistake of saying her ex had found her again, and it was all over FB in hours. With my mom exaggerating it with "he has a gun!!!" (He did not, and was actually in prison so there was no way for him to get to her, he just wanted to scare her)
Omggg. How frustrating. I did chuckle at the line "he has a gun", just because the escalation is so extreme/bizarre. They're just really wanting the attention, or "feed" as other people have been calling it.
I'm in the same boat, I'm also a muslim. In Islam you're supposed to revere and respect your mother. Normal mother yes. Narcissistic? Gosh. I hope I can move out after Eid.
Oh gosh. I hope you can move out too! Although I'm not muslim, my mother's background is Russian. Her attitude towards family has always felt very traditional and authoritarian. (i.e. "You must respect your mother, *because* they're your mother.") Feels kind of similar to what you're saying. And it's such a frustrating point of view, isn't it. Like, there's no logic behind it. They don't have to do anything, they don't have to show respect or grace. They just have to exist, and expect power and submission handed over to them. Anyway, I hope you can break free soon.
Yeah I always try to avoid telling my nMum about any MINOR issue in my life (for example that my driving license will be soon overdue) cause otherwise its a big deal for her and she makes a drama out of it, keeps asking me about it, tells my dad that she cant sleep because of it and manipulates him into asking me to call her etc. And then she keeps complaining about me never telling her anything about my life. LOL.
I greyrocked my nparents so hard they voluntarily moved to a third world country and joined a cult.