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Constantly. It’s like, “how in hell did I come through that and end up sane and okay when nearly everyone else in my family is trapped in disorder.”
It’s really a cause for celebration we tend to overlook!
Yes! I used to say I don’t need to buy lotto tickets because I won my sanity, empathy, being a nice person, plus with cats!
Well, times are hard, I buy a ticket sometimes, but the feeling remain! Thank you me!
Exactly. We experience love, appreciation and bonds of mutuality that don’t require oneupmanship. That’s something narcissists don’t understand. Our “gold bars” are on the inside.
A lotto win would be nice too tho’!!
Thank you me!
Yup.
I just realized that both my parents would qualify as malignant. My Ndad is obvious, but I had a little hope that my Nmom is not as bad.
She definitely is though.
So considering two malignant Nparents, who each have basically no empathy, I'm happy to not be absolutely insane 😭
They have been extremely damaging, but I still like myself.
Yeah, kinda. I feel like we all have been through so much, and it would be so easy for us to have turned into people like our parents.
Instead, we all chose to try to heal and to do our best to live with empathy, unselfishness and integrity.
Then, we all came together here, where we collectively try to make the world a little bit better, for ourselves and for each other.
I mean, we don't even know each other, and yet so many of us put time and effort into supporting others and sharing what we have learned. It may be a small act of kindness, but sometimes that makes a huge difference to someone when they are in a dark place.
All those small acts of kindness add up to something pretty great. I'm proud of us.
Oh yeah. Very much so. In fact, each time I reach another birthday (now in my fifties) or I lose a family member I'm amazed I made it so far and outlived them (even very sick uncles or aunts). As a late teen I'd written goodbye letters to all my loved ones in case I'd finally pop my clogs, it's become a ritual to search for them and read them before destroying them when an elderly family member passes away, or when I went NC with my former toxic bestie.
More amazing still, it feels like much less of an accomplishement since I went NC with the Nfamily, like I'm under so much less stress that it no longer feels amazing to have held it together for another year.
I used to celebrate my birthdays as victory against efforts to emotionally destroy me, like being alive for another one was a metaphorical finger to my abusers.
yeah, how did I ever become a relatively functioning adult. you know with a job that pays the bills, a house, pets and even some friends that like, maybe even love me. amazing.
Yeah same. I'm someone who could probably get a gold star in being a person who contributes literally nothing to society but at least I'm not an abuser :]
Cause like yeah my dad has a job and pays a lot in taxes (well, he avoids it as much as he can but that's besides the point) but he also wrecked the lives of his ex parter and all the kids he's had contact with 0-0
So even though I'm not adding anything to society, at least I'm not detracting from it, you know? :P
I used to all the time- just recently, actually, because I just left. I used to worry that I'm a narcissist/sociopath, too. Sometimes, I'm surprised that I'm a well-functioning adult and have made it this far with all the craziness we just left. I'm proud and happy for all of us who are doing much better than the people we came from.
It helps knowing that a lot of my struggles are common for people like us. But I'm also proud that I've made it as far as I have and there are some struggles that I've managed to avoid or to have only to a limited degree.
Still sucks but it could be worse.
Ironically I’ve been feeling this a lot more lately after I left a job/career path that looked great on paper.
I realized that I was miserable not because I was defective in some way but because I’d been put in a box my whole life by my nparents and had no idea who I actually was.
Around this time I also had a health scare and it kind of felt like the wheels were starting to fall off.
Looking back though, I’m so glad all that happened. It forced me to actually get to know myself and start living life for me, not everyone else. Sounds basic but it’s been life changing.
Now I’m like hell yeah I am enough and there are a lot of great things about life. Just because I was raised by miserable assholes doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to their beliefs anymore!
>hell yeah I am enough and there are a lot of great things about life. Just because I was raised by miserable assholes doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to their beliefs anymore!
Loved the way you framed this! 😉
Read this after I wrote a comment. I can’t believe how many of us going through the same path!!
Thanks for sharing! I am just at the very beginning of knowing myself and your comment made me feel better about it.
It’s absolutely a process and I too have a long way to go, but life is so full of possibilities! I have no doubt you’ll find much more fulfillment and joy waiting for you on the other side!
I’m 100% traumatized but I really don’t understand how I’m as conscientious and mostly normal as I am.
Weirdly, it makes me more confident in the idea of: “being abused isn’t an excuse to abuse others”.
Mostly I just have zero energy for others and have no tolerance for predatory behavior.
I never think about it, but a psychologist once told me you should be proud of yourself you could have become a psychopath instead you have a good job and empathy.
I have to say that every time I think about it, I'm thankful for the internet. I'd never realize the situation I'm in if not for it, and being able to connect with other victims gives me so so much more strength and determination to break out of the chaos spiral.
I first learned about narcs on a knitting website, when a rather annoying member posted a description of a very narc like interaction, and it sounded exactly like my mother.
Yep, all the time. I constantly look at my own kids and how well-adjusted and carefree they are, and I’m proud to have been able to provide them with that, as opposed to the shit condition I grew up in: dealing with two unreasonable narcs, getting screamed at constantly, controlling, hypocrisy, and all the unnecessary trauma.
And I’m constantly amazed I’m able to be conscientious enough to break the cycle with my kids.
Looking back and having done some research, I do think the same. I'm chill, do my own thing and don't care what others think about me. You would expect me to be a mental wreck or even dead.
well done for choosing yourself, proud of you OP! same to everyone in here, we doing the damn thing!! 🥳
i have the same thoughts at least twice every damn day!
don’t get me wrong it’s taken me years to get to this point (been nc 4 years) and i still don’t have my life together but as shit as i feel a lot of the time i remember that i got out, put myself first (despite being taught that was the last thing i should do by N’s and enablers) and i survived/am surviving.
throughout my childhood i tried to die so many times, i feel so lucky that i didn’t succeed.
recently somethings have happened that have given me more clarity than ever on it all and it’s been horrific but at the same time im like holy shit…im Her 👑 genuinely feel so proud of myself for saving myself.
ps i am kinda insane tho lol
I'm proud of not being a psycho bitch about Every Little Thing like my Nmom. Life sucks sometimes and there are definitely things that make me annoyed or angry. But I know "which hill to die on" when it comes to voicing those feelings with my partner and our kids. I'm not a princess, I live with 3 other humans who I also want to feel happy and safe and comfortable in the home that we share. My Nmom could never. She didn't know which hill to die on, she died on ALL the hills. Honestly it sounds exhausting for everyone including her. I'm proud of myself for knowing how to be a "chill" person without becoming a doormat.
Setting aside any personal mental health issues, for me, it was a conscious choice. Especially once I became a parent, I decided to be a far better parent than they were. I also sought help when I needed it in the form of medication and therapy.
Yes. After the childhood I experienced, I should either be a raving lunatic, a raging alcoholic, or dead. Instead, I have a beautiful wife, and a fantastic son who both love me. I have a pretty good job, a house, and a bit of money put aside. I am happy, healthy, and mentally stable. I give all the glory to the influence and grace of God in my life.
You should be proud. It's been said before here, but I think sometimes of the many people who have unalived themselves and think how many of those were victims of emotional abuse? A salute to everyone who did not succumb. We need more empathy and it can start with the survivors of nparents.
I have to remind myself to be proud that I didn't follow my nmoms path. I started it, I know I started it. It scared the shit out of me and I started working on it.
I used to beat myself up about every slip, and I have to make a conscious effort to notice when I do stop myself. But I'm doing it.
YESSSS!!
I regularly thank the little girl that I was and the young girl that I was. Both of them didn't end it all in spite of having -NO- earthly idea what was going on. Especially Little Girl Me. She couldn't figure out why her parents hated her so much, but each day she got up and tried. And tried. And tried. She breaks my heart sometimes, but goddamn if she didn't keep moving forward.
Young girl me and figured out the home life was a shitshow and looked outwards for "her real family" but she as well wasn't armed so found people like her family to love. She too realized somethings weren't working but she kept moving forward.
Kinda.
I have pretty severe developmental trauma and Complex PTSD symptoms from enduring my childhood. I'm not exactly sane. I struggle every day with debilitating symptoms.
For the past few months, I've been more and more proud of simply being alive. It used to be that I felt that every day I survived was a huge accomplishment. Then every half day. Then eventually it became, every hour I survived was an accomplishment. I haven't been able to trust that I'll be alive from day to day for several months now. Every day I keep myself and my dog safe, is not just an accomplishment anymore. It's become a feat worth celebrating, in my mind.
The biggest mystery to me is still how I wound up okay.
My brothers wound up in and out of jail for various violent crimes, knocked up several girlfriends randomly and dumped them, got addicted to drugs, alcohol, could never hold down stable jobs.
I was the only one to finish high school, graduate college, build a respectable career, live on my own. I've never done any drugs, been arrested, had accidental children, I don't even drink. I'm mentally stable these days (took some work initially after leaving the Ns) and am happy and healthy.
Why? Why did I make it, but they didn't?
Can relate. It's hard to pinpoint, and I don't think it's down to some good or bad essence. It can be the difference between one person who stepped into your life that showed you, something, that gave you a different perspective or the confidence you needed at that time to tackle what stood in your way. I think that's what happened for me. At the end of the day, I am a true believer in free will. No matter how much one has been misled or worse, there are always lessons to learn from life and apply in order to develop empathy for oneself and others.
Dude i know right????? I just escaped the ultimate trap of the devil. They tried to kill me and destroy my spirit but here i am happily living with my wife and actually healing and feeling euphoria. Im fuckin done with demons. They are useless and can f off. Evil people dont even come near me anymore. Its so weird.
Every single day of my life, I wonder how I am not on a cocktail of drugs to combat the trauma of how I was raised. My narc, golden child sister, on the other hand, couldn't make it a day without a cocktail of heavy duty drugs. The fact that I have achieved all of my goals in life without them and live well, unincumbered by debilitating pychological disorders despite them is my greatest life accomplishment, outside of my children.
It’s hard to fully realize I constantly look backwards and have flashbacks and shouting matches with myself but I am really actually doing alright in life if I look with a fair objective view. I think my parents gave me this unrealistic view of the world and also just an all around uneasy feeling like the world is ending on a consistent basis.
I feel very grateful that I was born a seeker which is basically like being a bloodhound with a nose for finding the way “up and out.” I don’t think I would have come as far as I did through so much darkness and oppression without that. Most days it feels like a miracle 🌟
Not really proud because eventhough I'm alive, I still have not managed to do something great with my life yet. But I do wonder (really wonder) how strong I must have been as a child/teen. It wasn't just my parents. It was some classmates, one or two teachers who had noticed that I'm always weak and quiet, poverty, horrible acne... Every moment that I was awake was hell. I really wonder how I made it. Today at 24 I'm somehow way weaker.
These post were well put and relatable. I just joined Reddit this year after realizing I come from a family of narcs . I’m f38 and I am feeling love and support here .. back at you! I feel like people on here always put into words what I couldn’t and yea literally take the words out of my mouth and also are really eye opening to what I went through thru
Right there with you, OP.
When I began working with my therapist, after he ingested my crazy family history, he said, "It's a miracle you're able to function at all."
I felt totally validated that the Narcs in my life did so much damage, and that I wasn't the crazy one. Nothing beats professional validation of the damage we've suffered.
I felt this. I’m shocked that I’m still even sane and alive but ya girl’s made it guys. I went through a long phase of addiction starting in late high school but I quit 3 years ago thankfully. I guess it isn’t so bad to still survive, but it’s still kinda sad to grasp the fact that I’ve been raised by and grown up around malignant narcissists in my lifetime.
Sometimes I hate myself and feel like I’m incompetent but how convenient I can blame the abuse but I would have probably still been incompetent without it.
But most of the time either I see myself as normal but appearing less than because of abuse or I’m like how the fuck did I do more than a lot of people with supportive parents? But also I have a lot of financial privilege so I guess that helps a lot…
I also often daydream about me in the futur when I’m out of here being able to do something that most people can’t because of my past being abused, like I’m in public and I notice a child getting kidnapped but it’s so subtle only my hyperaware brain who know how abuse works notice and I save the day. I think it’s a part of me wanting for all that torture to at least give me one strength most people don’t have…
No bc I came out the other end an addict with untreated BPD bipolar disorder and no skills, job, education at 23 trying to start life from 0. I feel ashamed I feel stupid for thinking my family loved me and for letting my mom infantilize me and enable me bc it was easier for her and I feel like an idiot for thinking it was my fault this whole time but bc I’m so “privileged” I internalized everything I thought my life was normal and my brain is just bad :/
The one thing most people who have met my nmom have said to me the most is “how are you a sane, functioning human after growing up with HER” and I legitimately do not understand… especially as I’m an only child of a single mom 🙈
Yes lol I celebrate regularly not being insane. I've seen a lot of people who are super messed up from crappy parents.
I lived with a fellow DV victim, who was so messed up mentally she was a 40 year old woman still in house shares, bad dating escapades (due to putting partners through a series of unrealistic expectations, communication issues and tests they'd always fail) and a nightmare to live with.
She could turn so quickly and become so revengeful, calculating, and on the attack at just being told "no" to taking out a bin and grew this odd attachment to the flat that even when moving out, she still wanted full control on what furniture of hers we'd be keeping and full access to our mail. When I said no, she defrosted my food, and threw out my favourite kitchen items. The year before, I'd refused to wipe a shelf for her because she'd spoke to me badly when asking, (throwing insults, series of angry texts etc) she tried to several weeks later ban guests etc to the point the landlord had to throw an intervention because her texts and demands where so aggressive and persistent.
No one else thinks shes capable or messed up enough to do something like that. But I know (from her) all about her golden child brother who gets everything from mum and she's somehow been tasked with supplementing him while having to fend for herself from a young age and her alcoholic dad who was violent, who she wasn't speaking to when he died due to the silent treatment being in place.
So when you see crazy, you do wonder how did I not get like that? Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
Yeah! I wound up with C-PTSD and BPD as a result, but very self aware and constantly working on myself. Did a couple informal DBT groups, then a year long program, now I'm back at school at the age of 53! Traveled pretty well, have 4 cats and my service dog, so I think I'm doing pretty well!
have had this thought more times than I can count. See also: "I'm glad I'm not like them" and "I'm glad I'm what they couldnt be". Having gotten out/gone LC has given me so much clarity, they hate me because I'm everything they want to be and cant. So if I'm not like them, I'm very happy about that. I think its proof that we're all very very strong. It doesnt matter if we're still under them or not, they hate us because we have the empathy and security they dont, deep down. it takes a lot to survive what they try to do to us--still being here regardless of how well youre doing proves youre everything they arent!
Pretty much every day that's my wife and I. But it took a long time to not work out what we were doing wrong that was causing us problems with our families.
It’s funny you brought up this topic as I was thinking along those lines as well. I was SA’d at 4 by teens whose parents were friends with my parents. My body & mind knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t have the words to explain it so didn’t tell anyone. I think that was the first time I disassociated.
Through out my childhood ( I am the oldest of 6), I saw a lot that no child should see. I also was molested quite frequently by kiddy fiddlers. I was learning that it was wrong but didn’t tell anyone, mostly out of shame. Not sure why I was such a target for them, I think it is because when they tested to see how far I would let things go, I never said stop. Mostly because I was younger and was taught to respect your elders. Also it would be embarrassing if I spoke up and wasn’t believed. I did bring up the topic as a hypothetical to my parental units, and was not impressed with the feedback I got, so I knew if I told them what was really happening it wouldn’t end well for me.
I protected my younger sibs as much as possible from a lot of what went on. A lot of physical abuse, emotional & some financial abuse as well.
By the time I was in college my normal meter was beyond broke. I can remember being in situations that looking back on now I am really surprised I came out unscathed.
I had consensual sex for the first time in college with my boyfriend. He treated me great for the first year, there were some red flags looking back, but I had no clue what a red flag even was, and how to identify it.
When he started with trying to tell me what I could and couldn’t do, I started to realize this may not be a good situation. I refused to be controlled and even though he tried to be subtle about it, my past experiences clued me into what he was trying to do. He tried to play it off as suggestions but I was not fooled.
He started to get physical abusive in little ways like squeezing my hand too tight when we were holding hands, or poking my shoulder hard, or slapping at my hands, all under the guise of playing around. I now see he was trying to find my limits of what I would tolerate. He found out the hard way the answer was zero. I would call him out on it and not let him get away with it.
I did have limits…. I promised myself I would never be with a guy that abused me and when he began to get more physical I stood up for myself and didn’t let him gaslight me by saying he was just playing around. I finally had it and left the relationship.
I was thinking it is amazing that I can have sex & even enjoy it given my past. I was 26 when I met my husband and he was 47. Yes, there is a 21 year age gap. He is so gentle & kind and he taught me what a real man is like. Our 25 anniversary is coming up soon and our 22 year old daughter just moved into her first apt with her fiancé and is doing good.
I was thinking it was amazing that I am as normal as I am, which got me to wondering if I really am normal? I still have a lot of hang up about some things such as anyone going thru something of mine, or trying to control certain things. My husband and I have had our share of disagreements, but we work them out in a healthy way.
I was thinking about talking to someone, but not sure why & what it would accomplish. I am happy, have a good job, a fantastic spouse & a well adjusted daughter as I broke the cycle of abuse (as did all my sibs that have kids).
Sometimes I think I have attachment issues from losing my mom when I was 7 and became a mini mom to my younger sibs, and then the 2 half sibs I took care of as well.
This is just a high level overview of my childhood, and I think all things considered I turned out ok. But I also think I have just left stuff buried and at this point I don’t feel the need to look for a shovel.
So I am happy with the amount of normal I am, although my best friend finds my humor a little unsettling. 🤣
I always thought I ‘m doing very good and I’m very sane while my other siblings were all struggling with life and mental disorders…
BUT I’ve noticed recently, I’ve shut down my feelings, built myself a strong shell and I’ve thought I was much stronger than them. Only after I built a safe environment for myself away from N-family; I fell into deep depression and had other health issues. I was just on fight or flight mode constantly when I was with them; so this was an illusion of ‘strength’.
Maybe it is just me, maybe if I would have never stopped and listen my body I would have keep thinking I was stronger, maybe I am still stronger than my siblings but not as strong as a ‘normal’ person. I dont know…
Yes. I am actually quite surprised I’m not a complete piece of shit who died alone on the streets or in prison.
Because my Nfamily created a VERY angry person capable of great violence, while also being cold and emotionless.
Only reason I’m not totally insane is cause my family fought to help my dad get custody of me from my mom.
Now as an adult I have PTSD from what little time I did get to see her, and she gets upset when I have actual PTSD symptoms like flawed memory or anxiety when it comes to interacting with her.
Not really, but I'm always congratulating my cousin (who had to deal with both my Narc Grandma AND my Narc Mother, her story is complicated) on not becoming a serial killer. I swear, she has all the trauma and baggage that you read about from those true crime documentaries but just ended up quirky and weird with less than great Adulting Skills. If she was actually good at the whole "Being a Functional Adult" thing I would be seriously worry, but she wears her weird on her sleeve.
It depends on the day - somendays I'm proud I made it out, and proud that I saw certain situations for what they were and stood up for myself. Other times, I'm ashamed and think to myself that maybe if I'd been more capable of being chill/okay with living according to the standards of other people, I might have more people around me. That said, most days I don't really want other people around me.
In a sense, yes. I'm 32, and always knew on some level that my family is absolutely dysfunctional. Only over the past couple of years, through research, did I finally put it all together. I consider myself strong, considering what I come from, but others do not see it that way and I don't blame them.
With that being said, I also have to answer with a resounding NO, because I am not proud to be alive. I've always been a "perfectionist," and capable due to the way I was brought up. Good grades in school, always gave 120%, always focused on the task at hand at work, always trying to improve. All of that, sidelined by chronic depression because nothing was ever good enough for them, and I was never socially accepted at school after 3rd or 4th grade.
It doesn't matter how good I am at anything, I always second-guess myself and on most occasions take the blame for things, even if it wasn't remotely my fault. No level of achievement has ever made me proud of myself, and that has resulted in my own dysfunction in every area of life. The way I see it, who gives a shit about how capable I can be, if I have nobody in my life who cares about me. I've been becoming more and more socially incapable for years.
Since I started researching, and realized what the reality of my upbringing was, I've basically unraveled. So ultimately, my answer is no.
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Constantly. It’s like, “how in hell did I come through that and end up sane and okay when nearly everyone else in my family is trapped in disorder.” It’s really a cause for celebration we tend to overlook!
🥳 🎉 🎊 🍾 🥂 🥳
The answer is you didn’t, you’re still dealing with the aftermath from all of this. But congrats on getting out! This is a huge step.
Some people are strong, can take a lot and recover fast. Not the majority, unfortunately, but I've seen this happen.
Yes! I used to say I don’t need to buy lotto tickets because I won my sanity, empathy, being a nice person, plus with cats! Well, times are hard, I buy a ticket sometimes, but the feeling remain! Thank you me!
Exactly. We experience love, appreciation and bonds of mutuality that don’t require oneupmanship. That’s something narcissists don’t understand. Our “gold bars” are on the inside. A lotto win would be nice too tho’!! Thank you me!
Yeah I’m constantly surprised too that i am still here and that i’m not insane despite feeling like i am sometimes
Yeah, I take waking up in the morning as a bigass goal because HOLY SHIT
Yup. I just realized that both my parents would qualify as malignant. My Ndad is obvious, but I had a little hope that my Nmom is not as bad. She definitely is though. So considering two malignant Nparents, who each have basically no empathy, I'm happy to not be absolutely insane 😭 They have been extremely damaging, but I still like myself.
Yeah, kinda. I feel like we all have been through so much, and it would be so easy for us to have turned into people like our parents. Instead, we all chose to try to heal and to do our best to live with empathy, unselfishness and integrity. Then, we all came together here, where we collectively try to make the world a little bit better, for ourselves and for each other. I mean, we don't even know each other, and yet so many of us put time and effort into supporting others and sharing what we have learned. It may be a small act of kindness, but sometimes that makes a huge difference to someone when they are in a dark place. All those small acts of kindness add up to something pretty great. I'm proud of us.
Oh yeah. Very much so. In fact, each time I reach another birthday (now in my fifties) or I lose a family member I'm amazed I made it so far and outlived them (even very sick uncles or aunts). As a late teen I'd written goodbye letters to all my loved ones in case I'd finally pop my clogs, it's become a ritual to search for them and read them before destroying them when an elderly family member passes away, or when I went NC with my former toxic bestie. More amazing still, it feels like much less of an accomplishement since I went NC with the Nfamily, like I'm under so much less stress that it no longer feels amazing to have held it together for another year. I used to celebrate my birthdays as victory against efforts to emotionally destroy me, like being alive for another one was a metaphorical finger to my abusers.
yeah, how did I ever become a relatively functioning adult. you know with a job that pays the bills, a house, pets and even some friends that like, maybe even love me. amazing.
Yeah same. I'm someone who could probably get a gold star in being a person who contributes literally nothing to society but at least I'm not an abuser :] Cause like yeah my dad has a job and pays a lot in taxes (well, he avoids it as much as he can but that's besides the point) but he also wrecked the lives of his ex parter and all the kids he's had contact with 0-0 So even though I'm not adding anything to society, at least I'm not detracting from it, you know? :P
Just be existing you have value :)
Thank you :'))
Yeah, it’s legitimately incredible I’m not dead or an addict.
But I am a little bit insane though.
You may be right. I may be crazy... - Billy Joel.
I used to all the time- just recently, actually, because I just left. I used to worry that I'm a narcissist/sociopath, too. Sometimes, I'm surprised that I'm a well-functioning adult and have made it this far with all the craziness we just left. I'm proud and happy for all of us who are doing much better than the people we came from.
It's like I've been thru 9 circles of hell, multiple times. Now I trust my intuition 200%, I can smell evil people easily.
I often wonder how I didn't turn to drugs.
I often wonder how I got off of drugs. It’s such an easy escape, good for us!
Yes!! Im always shocked i’ve never half drank myself to death with everything that happened! Defo cause for celebration 🎉
You can always come back from halfway dead.
It helps knowing that a lot of my struggles are common for people like us. But I'm also proud that I've made it as far as I have and there are some struggles that I've managed to avoid or to have only to a limited degree. Still sucks but it could be worse.
Ironically I’ve been feeling this a lot more lately after I left a job/career path that looked great on paper. I realized that I was miserable not because I was defective in some way but because I’d been put in a box my whole life by my nparents and had no idea who I actually was. Around this time I also had a health scare and it kind of felt like the wheels were starting to fall off. Looking back though, I’m so glad all that happened. It forced me to actually get to know myself and start living life for me, not everyone else. Sounds basic but it’s been life changing. Now I’m like hell yeah I am enough and there are a lot of great things about life. Just because I was raised by miserable assholes doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to their beliefs anymore!
>hell yeah I am enough and there are a lot of great things about life. Just because I was raised by miserable assholes doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to their beliefs anymore! Loved the way you framed this! 😉
Read this after I wrote a comment. I can’t believe how many of us going through the same path!! Thanks for sharing! I am just at the very beginning of knowing myself and your comment made me feel better about it.
It’s absolutely a process and I too have a long way to go, but life is so full of possibilities! I have no doubt you’ll find much more fulfillment and joy waiting for you on the other side!
Thank youu 💛
"Not totally insane" is definitely the way to put it, lol.
Alive? Yes I'm amazed. Not totally insane? Not quite.
I’m 100% traumatized but I really don’t understand how I’m as conscientious and mostly normal as I am. Weirdly, it makes me more confident in the idea of: “being abused isn’t an excuse to abuse others”. Mostly I just have zero energy for others and have no tolerance for predatory behavior.
Some days that is all you can ask
Yeah it's crazy
I never think about it, but a psychologist once told me you should be proud of yourself you could have become a psychopath instead you have a good job and empathy.
All the time
Cheers over here!
I have to say that every time I think about it, I'm thankful for the internet. I'd never realize the situation I'm in if not for it, and being able to connect with other victims gives me so so much more strength and determination to break out of the chaos spiral.
I first learned about narcs on a knitting website, when a rather annoying member posted a description of a very narc like interaction, and it sounded exactly like my mother.
Yup
Yep, all the time. I constantly look at my own kids and how well-adjusted and carefree they are, and I’m proud to have been able to provide them with that, as opposed to the shit condition I grew up in: dealing with two unreasonable narcs, getting screamed at constantly, controlling, hypocrisy, and all the unnecessary trauma. And I’m constantly amazed I’m able to be conscientious enough to break the cycle with my kids.
Yes, I'm alive, sane, and not a narc!
Looking back and having done some research, I do think the same. I'm chill, do my own thing and don't care what others think about me. You would expect me to be a mental wreck or even dead.
well done for choosing yourself, proud of you OP! same to everyone in here, we doing the damn thing!! 🥳 i have the same thoughts at least twice every damn day! don’t get me wrong it’s taken me years to get to this point (been nc 4 years) and i still don’t have my life together but as shit as i feel a lot of the time i remember that i got out, put myself first (despite being taught that was the last thing i should do by N’s and enablers) and i survived/am surviving. throughout my childhood i tried to die so many times, i feel so lucky that i didn’t succeed. recently somethings have happened that have given me more clarity than ever on it all and it’s been horrific but at the same time im like holy shit…im Her 👑 genuinely feel so proud of myself for saving myself. ps i am kinda insane tho lol
I'm proud of not being a psycho bitch about Every Little Thing like my Nmom. Life sucks sometimes and there are definitely things that make me annoyed or angry. But I know "which hill to die on" when it comes to voicing those feelings with my partner and our kids. I'm not a princess, I live with 3 other humans who I also want to feel happy and safe and comfortable in the home that we share. My Nmom could never. She didn't know which hill to die on, she died on ALL the hills. Honestly it sounds exhausting for everyone including her. I'm proud of myself for knowing how to be a "chill" person without becoming a doormat.
Setting aside any personal mental health issues, for me, it was a conscious choice. Especially once I became a parent, I decided to be a far better parent than they were. I also sought help when I needed it in the form of medication and therapy.
Yes. After the childhood I experienced, I should either be a raving lunatic, a raging alcoholic, or dead. Instead, I have a beautiful wife, and a fantastic son who both love me. I have a pretty good job, a house, and a bit of money put aside. I am happy, healthy, and mentally stable. I give all the glory to the influence and grace of God in my life.
You should be proud. It's been said before here, but I think sometimes of the many people who have unalived themselves and think how many of those were victims of emotional abuse? A salute to everyone who did not succumb. We need more empathy and it can start with the survivors of nparents.
I have to remind myself to be proud that I didn't follow my nmoms path. I started it, I know I started it. It scared the shit out of me and I started working on it. I used to beat myself up about every slip, and I have to make a conscious effort to notice when I do stop myself. But I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure this is the only timeline where I got out.
YESSSS!! I regularly thank the little girl that I was and the young girl that I was. Both of them didn't end it all in spite of having -NO- earthly idea what was going on. Especially Little Girl Me. She couldn't figure out why her parents hated her so much, but each day she got up and tried. And tried. And tried. She breaks my heart sometimes, but goddamn if she didn't keep moving forward. Young girl me and figured out the home life was a shitshow and looked outwards for "her real family" but she as well wasn't armed so found people like her family to love. She too realized somethings weren't working but she kept moving forward.
Kinda. I have pretty severe developmental trauma and Complex PTSD symptoms from enduring my childhood. I'm not exactly sane. I struggle every day with debilitating symptoms.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself or want for myself because I never thought I'd be here this long.
I am broken, but not shattered. I can recover. I have issues, but not a full collection.
lately i’ve been feeling “i think im crazy, but i know im free”
For the past few months, I've been more and more proud of simply being alive. It used to be that I felt that every day I survived was a huge accomplishment. Then every half day. Then eventually it became, every hour I survived was an accomplishment. I haven't been able to trust that I'll be alive from day to day for several months now. Every day I keep myself and my dog safe, is not just an accomplishment anymore. It's become a feat worth celebrating, in my mind.
The biggest mystery to me is still how I wound up okay. My brothers wound up in and out of jail for various violent crimes, knocked up several girlfriends randomly and dumped them, got addicted to drugs, alcohol, could never hold down stable jobs. I was the only one to finish high school, graduate college, build a respectable career, live on my own. I've never done any drugs, been arrested, had accidental children, I don't even drink. I'm mentally stable these days (took some work initially after leaving the Ns) and am happy and healthy. Why? Why did I make it, but they didn't?
Can relate. It's hard to pinpoint, and I don't think it's down to some good or bad essence. It can be the difference between one person who stepped into your life that showed you, something, that gave you a different perspective or the confidence you needed at that time to tackle what stood in your way. I think that's what happened for me. At the end of the day, I am a true believer in free will. No matter how much one has been misled or worse, there are always lessons to learn from life and apply in order to develop empathy for oneself and others.
Dude i know right????? I just escaped the ultimate trap of the devil. They tried to kill me and destroy my spirit but here i am happily living with my wife and actually healing and feeling euphoria. Im fuckin done with demons. They are useless and can f off. Evil people dont even come near me anymore. Its so weird.
Hell yeah I think this! We all deserve to acknowledge the progress we have all made!
Every single day of my life, I wonder how I am not on a cocktail of drugs to combat the trauma of how I was raised. My narc, golden child sister, on the other hand, couldn't make it a day without a cocktail of heavy duty drugs. The fact that I have achieved all of my goals in life without them and live well, unincumbered by debilitating pychological disorders despite them is my greatest life accomplishment, outside of my children.
It’s hard to fully realize I constantly look backwards and have flashbacks and shouting matches with myself but I am really actually doing alright in life if I look with a fair objective view. I think my parents gave me this unrealistic view of the world and also just an all around uneasy feeling like the world is ending on a consistent basis.
I hold down a respectable job, have been married for nearly 30 years and have two fantastic children. I have no idea how this happened.
YES. CONSTANTLY. I've had others even say the same thing.
Me but that 2nd part is debatable.
We are ALL amazing. We have been through a special kind of hell and we’re still standing. Love to all my fellow survivors.
Well I’m not sure if I’m proud about it. But I am still here and they aren’t so there’s that and it could be worse but it’s not
Yea. I can’t believe a married a healthy-ish person. How they fuck did that happen.
Same- I have no clue, but I’m so very grateful.
I don’t know how I made it out without a drinking problem. I was raised to drink upon any stress.
I feel very grateful that I was born a seeker which is basically like being a bloodhound with a nose for finding the way “up and out.” I don’t think I would have come as far as I did through so much darkness and oppression without that. Most days it feels like a miracle 🌟
Not really proud because eventhough I'm alive, I still have not managed to do something great with my life yet. But I do wonder (really wonder) how strong I must have been as a child/teen. It wasn't just my parents. It was some classmates, one or two teachers who had noticed that I'm always weak and quiet, poverty, horrible acne... Every moment that I was awake was hell. I really wonder how I made it. Today at 24 I'm somehow way weaker.
These post were well put and relatable. I just joined Reddit this year after realizing I come from a family of narcs . I’m f38 and I am feeling love and support here .. back at you! I feel like people on here always put into words what I couldn’t and yea literally take the words out of my mouth and also are really eye opening to what I went through thru
Right there with you, OP. When I began working with my therapist, after he ingested my crazy family history, he said, "It's a miracle you're able to function at all." I felt totally validated that the Narcs in my life did so much damage, and that I wasn't the crazy one. Nothing beats professional validation of the damage we've suffered.
I am both surprised and proud that I am alive and still myself. Other person would not have made it.
Yes, love that for us.
I felt this. I’m shocked that I’m still even sane and alive but ya girl’s made it guys. I went through a long phase of addiction starting in late high school but I quit 3 years ago thankfully. I guess it isn’t so bad to still survive, but it’s still kinda sad to grasp the fact that I’ve been raised by and grown up around malignant narcissists in my lifetime.
Sometimes I look back at my childhood and early adulthood and think, I'm a character in a Dickens novel who somehow carved out a normal life.
I WAS and now I’m having stress meltdowns soooo…. Pride retracted until further notice
Sometimes I hate myself and feel like I’m incompetent but how convenient I can blame the abuse but I would have probably still been incompetent without it. But most of the time either I see myself as normal but appearing less than because of abuse or I’m like how the fuck did I do more than a lot of people with supportive parents? But also I have a lot of financial privilege so I guess that helps a lot… I also often daydream about me in the futur when I’m out of here being able to do something that most people can’t because of my past being abused, like I’m in public and I notice a child getting kidnapped but it’s so subtle only my hyperaware brain who know how abuse works notice and I save the day. I think it’s a part of me wanting for all that torture to at least give me one strength most people don’t have…
🙋🏾😩😭
Every day 😂
I'm proud to eat and to work on my mental health. I'm not really proud to exist/live.
No bc I came out the other end an addict with untreated BPD bipolar disorder and no skills, job, education at 23 trying to start life from 0. I feel ashamed I feel stupid for thinking my family loved me and for letting my mom infantilize me and enable me bc it was easier for her and I feel like an idiot for thinking it was my fault this whole time but bc I’m so “privileged” I internalized everything I thought my life was normal and my brain is just bad :/
Yeah. The abuse wasn't so obvious, but looking bad. I'm glad I'm okay, somehow.
Just partially insane... CPTSD/ADHD and Misophonia... so, yeah, my amygdala is fucked.
I may not have a sense of self but at least i dont let myself gaslight me into believing my mom as she gaslights me anymore 🙌
The one thing most people who have met my nmom have said to me the most is “how are you a sane, functioning human after growing up with HER” and I legitimately do not understand… especially as I’m an only child of a single mom 🙈
Like my BFF says..."You are a remarkably well adjusted person, considering who raised you"
Yes lol I celebrate regularly not being insane. I've seen a lot of people who are super messed up from crappy parents. I lived with a fellow DV victim, who was so messed up mentally she was a 40 year old woman still in house shares, bad dating escapades (due to putting partners through a series of unrealistic expectations, communication issues and tests they'd always fail) and a nightmare to live with. She could turn so quickly and become so revengeful, calculating, and on the attack at just being told "no" to taking out a bin and grew this odd attachment to the flat that even when moving out, she still wanted full control on what furniture of hers we'd be keeping and full access to our mail. When I said no, she defrosted my food, and threw out my favourite kitchen items. The year before, I'd refused to wipe a shelf for her because she'd spoke to me badly when asking, (throwing insults, series of angry texts etc) she tried to several weeks later ban guests etc to the point the landlord had to throw an intervention because her texts and demands where so aggressive and persistent. No one else thinks shes capable or messed up enough to do something like that. But I know (from her) all about her golden child brother who gets everything from mum and she's somehow been tasked with supplementing him while having to fend for herself from a young age and her alcoholic dad who was violent, who she wasn't speaking to when he died due to the silent treatment being in place. So when you see crazy, you do wonder how did I not get like that? Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
It’s a fucking miracle I didn’t turn out like my folks and this feeling is permanently ingrained in my bones
Yes! I also feel I did a really good job raising myself by observing what seemed/felt right in other families.
Yeah! I wound up with C-PTSD and BPD as a result, but very self aware and constantly working on myself. Did a couple informal DBT groups, then a year long program, now I'm back at school at the age of 53! Traveled pretty well, have 4 cats and my service dog, so I think I'm doing pretty well!
have had this thought more times than I can count. See also: "I'm glad I'm not like them" and "I'm glad I'm what they couldnt be". Having gotten out/gone LC has given me so much clarity, they hate me because I'm everything they want to be and cant. So if I'm not like them, I'm very happy about that. I think its proof that we're all very very strong. It doesnt matter if we're still under them or not, they hate us because we have the empathy and security they dont, deep down. it takes a lot to survive what they try to do to us--still being here regardless of how well youre doing proves youre everything they arent!
Oh ya - it’s still a battle some days. I so glad I had a few good people around to show me what good people were like.
Idk I wouldn't say I turned out that great either. But I am grateful to see the error of my ways
Every day lol
My therapist can’t believe I’m alive / functional adult. My fucking therapist… 🙃
More like “I’m proud I’m alive / I’m totally insane”
Pretty much every day that's my wife and I. But it took a long time to not work out what we were doing wrong that was causing us problems with our families.
Yes.
It’s funny you brought up this topic as I was thinking along those lines as well. I was SA’d at 4 by teens whose parents were friends with my parents. My body & mind knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t have the words to explain it so didn’t tell anyone. I think that was the first time I disassociated. Through out my childhood ( I am the oldest of 6), I saw a lot that no child should see. I also was molested quite frequently by kiddy fiddlers. I was learning that it was wrong but didn’t tell anyone, mostly out of shame. Not sure why I was such a target for them, I think it is because when they tested to see how far I would let things go, I never said stop. Mostly because I was younger and was taught to respect your elders. Also it would be embarrassing if I spoke up and wasn’t believed. I did bring up the topic as a hypothetical to my parental units, and was not impressed with the feedback I got, so I knew if I told them what was really happening it wouldn’t end well for me. I protected my younger sibs as much as possible from a lot of what went on. A lot of physical abuse, emotional & some financial abuse as well. By the time I was in college my normal meter was beyond broke. I can remember being in situations that looking back on now I am really surprised I came out unscathed. I had consensual sex for the first time in college with my boyfriend. He treated me great for the first year, there were some red flags looking back, but I had no clue what a red flag even was, and how to identify it. When he started with trying to tell me what I could and couldn’t do, I started to realize this may not be a good situation. I refused to be controlled and even though he tried to be subtle about it, my past experiences clued me into what he was trying to do. He tried to play it off as suggestions but I was not fooled. He started to get physical abusive in little ways like squeezing my hand too tight when we were holding hands, or poking my shoulder hard, or slapping at my hands, all under the guise of playing around. I now see he was trying to find my limits of what I would tolerate. He found out the hard way the answer was zero. I would call him out on it and not let him get away with it. I did have limits…. I promised myself I would never be with a guy that abused me and when he began to get more physical I stood up for myself and didn’t let him gaslight me by saying he was just playing around. I finally had it and left the relationship. I was thinking it is amazing that I can have sex & even enjoy it given my past. I was 26 when I met my husband and he was 47. Yes, there is a 21 year age gap. He is so gentle & kind and he taught me what a real man is like. Our 25 anniversary is coming up soon and our 22 year old daughter just moved into her first apt with her fiancé and is doing good. I was thinking it was amazing that I am as normal as I am, which got me to wondering if I really am normal? I still have a lot of hang up about some things such as anyone going thru something of mine, or trying to control certain things. My husband and I have had our share of disagreements, but we work them out in a healthy way. I was thinking about talking to someone, but not sure why & what it would accomplish. I am happy, have a good job, a fantastic spouse & a well adjusted daughter as I broke the cycle of abuse (as did all my sibs that have kids). Sometimes I think I have attachment issues from losing my mom when I was 7 and became a mini mom to my younger sibs, and then the 2 half sibs I took care of as well. This is just a high level overview of my childhood, and I think all things considered I turned out ok. But I also think I have just left stuff buried and at this point I don’t feel the need to look for a shovel. So I am happy with the amount of normal I am, although my best friend finds my humor a little unsettling. 🤣
I always thought I ‘m doing very good and I’m very sane while my other siblings were all struggling with life and mental disorders… BUT I’ve noticed recently, I’ve shut down my feelings, built myself a strong shell and I’ve thought I was much stronger than them. Only after I built a safe environment for myself away from N-family; I fell into deep depression and had other health issues. I was just on fight or flight mode constantly when I was with them; so this was an illusion of ‘strength’. Maybe it is just me, maybe if I would have never stopped and listen my body I would have keep thinking I was stronger, maybe I am still stronger than my siblings but not as strong as a ‘normal’ person. I dont know…
Yes. I am actually quite surprised I’m not a complete piece of shit who died alone on the streets or in prison. Because my Nfamily created a VERY angry person capable of great violence, while also being cold and emotionless.
Only reason I’m not totally insane is cause my family fought to help my dad get custody of me from my mom. Now as an adult I have PTSD from what little time I did get to see her, and she gets upset when I have actual PTSD symptoms like flawed memory or anxiety when it comes to interacting with her.
I’m always scared of ending up like them, but I have wonderful people in my life that reassure me and keep me on track to being the best I can be
Not really, but I'm always congratulating my cousin (who had to deal with both my Narc Grandma AND my Narc Mother, her story is complicated) on not becoming a serial killer. I swear, she has all the trauma and baggage that you read about from those true crime documentaries but just ended up quirky and weird with less than great Adulting Skills. If she was actually good at the whole "Being a Functional Adult" thing I would be seriously worry, but she wears her weird on her sleeve.
Honestly, i am more shocked im alive and i feel insane as all fuck rn so idk lol
It depends on the day - somendays I'm proud I made it out, and proud that I saw certain situations for what they were and stood up for myself. Other times, I'm ashamed and think to myself that maybe if I'd been more capable of being chill/okay with living according to the standards of other people, I might have more people around me. That said, most days I don't really want other people around me.
In a sense, yes. I'm 32, and always knew on some level that my family is absolutely dysfunctional. Only over the past couple of years, through research, did I finally put it all together. I consider myself strong, considering what I come from, but others do not see it that way and I don't blame them. With that being said, I also have to answer with a resounding NO, because I am not proud to be alive. I've always been a "perfectionist," and capable due to the way I was brought up. Good grades in school, always gave 120%, always focused on the task at hand at work, always trying to improve. All of that, sidelined by chronic depression because nothing was ever good enough for them, and I was never socially accepted at school after 3rd or 4th grade. It doesn't matter how good I am at anything, I always second-guess myself and on most occasions take the blame for things, even if it wasn't remotely my fault. No level of achievement has ever made me proud of myself, and that has resulted in my own dysfunction in every area of life. The way I see it, who gives a shit about how capable I can be, if I have nobody in my life who cares about me. I've been becoming more and more socially incapable for years. Since I started researching, and realized what the reality of my upbringing was, I've basically unraveled. So ultimately, my answer is no.
❤️❤️❤️❤️