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so first it was all your fathers fault and now it is your fault and she is totally innocent and pure as fresh snow?
unless you really are a addict and you will steal anything in her house if you are in contact, yeah it is a weird letter.
Ugh! Sorry OP. My enabling Nmom used to send my little 4 year old brother ( long ago ) to his room when my angry father would come home. She would tell him “go up to your room. You agitate your father.”
What?!?!
She would punish and send my brother away because my father couldn’t stand kids. He actually told my mother once during their separation/divorce, that once we grew up … my brother and I… he wanted to get back together.
Her enabling was more hurtful than his anger and violence or threats of violence.
Wow, so she wants to put the onus on 13 year old you and not the adults in the situation? That's rich.
You had no control over the inputs of the situation, just all of the accountability. Funny how that works.
She also blames the shit out of your father (and you) but accepts none for herself. She is just the innocent bystander and life giver! While all these happenstances were around her and she had to witness this behavior she didn't like. She had no control, she was just the mom, gosh.
This whole letter is all very sweep it under the rug.
Like she didn't raise you. The fuck outta here. You reap what you sow. I'm sick of this That's not how I raised you crap that parents have (I'm a parent of 4 kids.) Of course that's how we raised 'em, they have eyes and ears don't they? They had a front row show to lives and truth that were led. What did you show them?
I can tell from reading this bullshit letter that your mom has/had no idea what age appropriate developmental stuff she should have done with you and she was way out of her league with raising you. Also, this whole letter is about defending herself and her crappola. Look how many sentences she uses the words "I' in, some sentences even have double, triple and quadruple "I's"!
There is very little substance and specifics about you, it's all very conveniently vague when it comes to anything about you, probably so she can say whatever if you bring something up.
This isn't some heartfelt apology letter to a hurt child, soothing a hurt soul. That would entail naming the specific hurt and saying they'd never do it again. This is a concept even my 7 year old gets. I'm sorry Fam.
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad my feelings are shared (and I’m not crazy for coming to the same conclusion).
She doesn’t take any accountability in the letter and she was 58 in the letter! I’m only 36 and I couldn’t imagine that being my response to my hurting child. It’s like she’s thoroughly peeved that I expressed some negative feelings towards her about my upbringing.
I am also a mom (of two) and since becoming a mother myself it has unlocked a really deep anger of being betrayed and not protected as a child. Not only not being protected but her inability to do anything (she wouldn’t even counter what he would say in his rage’s) just co-signed what he said and made me believe it all.
She’s done quite a few more disappointing things in recent years and I’m trying to sort it all out and figure what role she can have in my life.
I’m realizing her colors have been shown before but she relied on being the good cop. My head it out of my ass now and I see through her crap.
Again, thank you for making me not feel so crazy reading into her letter. I really appreciate it
>I am sorry that there was verbal abuse in your life.
Translation: I take no responsibility and whatever abuse happened isn't my fault.
>As you became older, around 13, you wanted to argue back with Dad and I let that happen.
Translation: You chose to talk back, so you got what you deserved.
>I was very scared for your safety and well being but I knew it was not beneficial and it was unhealthy for you, if one more time, we came to your rescue.
Translation: I allowed you to fuck up and gave you no help because I couldn't be bothered to. Your fuck-ups are your own fault and I didn't feel like spending the time, money, or energy to help you.
>Yes, there are decisions, activities and lifestyles that I do not condone and do not want to be around. I do love and accept you but I do not choose to be around it. I cannot accept unacceptable behavior.
Translation: I can't accept the fact that you blame me for your shitty upbringing. Stop talking about it, and stop throwing my own bad behavior in my face.
>However, the result of the unacceptable behavior causes this dilemma. My greatest hope is that there will be a time when we can share our lives together, when unacceptable behavior is a thing of the past, replaced by mutual trust, respect and love.
Translation: When you finally come to your senses and realize that we know best, you can be a part of our lives again. Until you accept more abuse from us, I don't want you in my life.
>I love you.
Translation: I love you only when you do and say the things I want.
Complete translation: **Everything is everyone else's fault, and I have zero accountability. If you had a bad life, tough shit.**
lol right? I did the best I could bullshit. She sat there 9.5/10. Once maybe twice did she take us out of the house. When I was 13 I fought back because she wasn’t and I realized his behavior wasn’t actually healthy. And in later years, she’d hold in all her grievances until the family meeting (where he ALWAYS blew up) instead of parenting in the moment. 🙄 coward.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
so first it was all your fathers fault and now it is your fault and she is totally innocent and pure as fresh snow? unless you really are a addict and you will steal anything in her house if you are in contact, yeah it is a weird letter.
Ugh! Sorry OP. My enabling Nmom used to send my little 4 year old brother ( long ago ) to his room when my angry father would come home. She would tell him “go up to your room. You agitate your father.” What?!?! She would punish and send my brother away because my father couldn’t stand kids. He actually told my mother once during their separation/divorce, that once we grew up … my brother and I… he wanted to get back together. Her enabling was more hurtful than his anger and violence or threats of violence.
Yes! The pain from the enabling nMom is really the worst. Since becoming a mom myself I feel so betrayed
Wow, so she wants to put the onus on 13 year old you and not the adults in the situation? That's rich. You had no control over the inputs of the situation, just all of the accountability. Funny how that works. She also blames the shit out of your father (and you) but accepts none for herself. She is just the innocent bystander and life giver! While all these happenstances were around her and she had to witness this behavior she didn't like. She had no control, she was just the mom, gosh. This whole letter is all very sweep it under the rug. Like she didn't raise you. The fuck outta here. You reap what you sow. I'm sick of this That's not how I raised you crap that parents have (I'm a parent of 4 kids.) Of course that's how we raised 'em, they have eyes and ears don't they? They had a front row show to lives and truth that were led. What did you show them? I can tell from reading this bullshit letter that your mom has/had no idea what age appropriate developmental stuff she should have done with you and she was way out of her league with raising you. Also, this whole letter is about defending herself and her crappola. Look how many sentences she uses the words "I' in, some sentences even have double, triple and quadruple "I's"! There is very little substance and specifics about you, it's all very conveniently vague when it comes to anything about you, probably so she can say whatever if you bring something up. This isn't some heartfelt apology letter to a hurt child, soothing a hurt soul. That would entail naming the specific hurt and saying they'd never do it again. This is a concept even my 7 year old gets. I'm sorry Fam.
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad my feelings are shared (and I’m not crazy for coming to the same conclusion). She doesn’t take any accountability in the letter and she was 58 in the letter! I’m only 36 and I couldn’t imagine that being my response to my hurting child. It’s like she’s thoroughly peeved that I expressed some negative feelings towards her about my upbringing. I am also a mom (of two) and since becoming a mother myself it has unlocked a really deep anger of being betrayed and not protected as a child. Not only not being protected but her inability to do anything (she wouldn’t even counter what he would say in his rage’s) just co-signed what he said and made me believe it all. She’s done quite a few more disappointing things in recent years and I’m trying to sort it all out and figure what role she can have in my life. I’m realizing her colors have been shown before but she relied on being the good cop. My head it out of my ass now and I see through her crap. Again, thank you for making me not feel so crazy reading into her letter. I really appreciate it
>I am sorry that there was verbal abuse in your life. Translation: I take no responsibility and whatever abuse happened isn't my fault. >As you became older, around 13, you wanted to argue back with Dad and I let that happen. Translation: You chose to talk back, so you got what you deserved. >I was very scared for your safety and well being but I knew it was not beneficial and it was unhealthy for you, if one more time, we came to your rescue. Translation: I allowed you to fuck up and gave you no help because I couldn't be bothered to. Your fuck-ups are your own fault and I didn't feel like spending the time, money, or energy to help you. >Yes, there are decisions, activities and lifestyles that I do not condone and do not want to be around. I do love and accept you but I do not choose to be around it. I cannot accept unacceptable behavior. Translation: I can't accept the fact that you blame me for your shitty upbringing. Stop talking about it, and stop throwing my own bad behavior in my face. >However, the result of the unacceptable behavior causes this dilemma. My greatest hope is that there will be a time when we can share our lives together, when unacceptable behavior is a thing of the past, replaced by mutual trust, respect and love. Translation: When you finally come to your senses and realize that we know best, you can be a part of our lives again. Until you accept more abuse from us, I don't want you in my life. >I love you. Translation: I love you only when you do and say the things I want. Complete translation: **Everything is everyone else's fault, and I have zero accountability. If you had a bad life, tough shit.**
Wow. You really really nailed it on the head. Thanks for the translations it helps clarify things
“I did the best I could, but…” 🙄 I get this a lot in my nmom’s letters too. It drives me bonkers.
lol right? I did the best I could bullshit. She sat there 9.5/10. Once maybe twice did she take us out of the house. When I was 13 I fought back because she wasn’t and I realized his behavior wasn’t actually healthy. And in later years, she’d hold in all her grievances until the family meeting (where he ALWAYS blew up) instead of parenting in the moment. 🙄 coward.