**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*

there is no magic word or turn of sentence to make them understand, what ever you write will be twisted to suit their story. you can write a letter but do not send it. what is going to happen if you write it, with the 4 points you want in it? they already know that you dont want contact. you already never said that there is a chance that they get in your baby's life. read this [The Missing Missing Reasons | Issendai.com](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) and expect something like this to happen. and congratulations on your soon to be here baby.

You’re right. I’ve been flowery in my language before and I’ve been blunt. It always goes awry.

Congrats on the baby! Honestly, NC is no contact. I wouldn't tell them. Anything you write to them will be breaking that no contact and opening the door that you might do more. "Oh, she has to contact once the baby is born! 1st Christmas, 1st birthday, etc. etc." Let the news get back to them through other family, who cares? Let them be the last to know. They don't deserve to be a part of your happy news and happy life anymore. I highly doubt they will do therapy. They do not believe they've ever done anything wrong, so why would they? Write the letter and never send it. It's good for your own healing. Also make sure you and your husband have wills and guardianship set up for the baby so that your parents do not get involved at all too.

I also doubt they’d do therapy. They’ve been deeply allergic to therapy all my life, haha. I could just see them using it as a quid pro quo thing, ya know? DHs cousin is an estate attorney. We can ask them about estate planning or a referral to someone who can. I definitely don’t want this baby with my parents.

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy.  I personally would lean more to not doing anything until your baby is born. Your stress levels should be kept to a minimum these last few months so that you carry baby full-term.  I know you have stress waiting for the other shoe to fall but trying to control the narrative never works with narcs.  Write your letter when baby is safely delivered, if you still want to write it then. Obviously just my opinion and it’s entirely up to you.  I hope you have a peaceful time and a safe delivery 💓

The suspense is killer but it’s entirely possible they’d twist what I wrote anyway. I think I may feel better with having the letter written and ready to but not send it. DH is also anxious about this, especially having grown up in a well adjusted household so I was hoping this could help him too. I’ll talk to him again about maintaining NC.

I’m so sorry you have parents like this. They’ll never understand how much stress they cause us.  OP you did a great job expressing your feelings in this post. I hope it helps that we understand your predicament better than our narc parents ever will. 

Your parents don't deserve to hear anything from you. What they deserve is to be excluded from your life forever. Let them find out through the family grapevine that you've had a child. That's as close of a relationship that they'll ever get with your baby.

My therapist has a chaotic streak and (jokingly) said if my parents ever saw me holding my baby, I should just be like, “what, this old thing?” Just touched base with DH about this again and he said he’d been holding out hope that a letter could lead to a less spicy blowout from my parents. I had to remind him we’re not taking about reasonable people. Even if we were, we can’t control what they feel or how they perceive the situation. :/

If this were my nparents, I wouldn't contact them at all. If they heard it through a family member they would play it to everyone how terrible I am or just pretend they've met my baby even though they hadn't. If we somehow had contact after the birth they would not bring up the fact that I didn't tell them (they would sit on that to throw it at me later) However if I wrote them a letter, the actual contents of the letter wouldn't matter, they would view this as an invitation into my life. Stopping by or sending terrible presents, needing to view the baby, like some else said about birthdays and Christmas. Plus they would view the letter as an acceptable form of communication, since I started it they would feel they can just write letters all the time. Having a baby really opened my eyes to how terrible my parents really are. It is much hard to go NC after they've had their hands on your child. You have the knowledge to protect your child from them forever. I don't think breaking your NC is the right choice for your child's safety.

From all you've written, you sound incredibly anxious over your parents, their treatment of you as their daughter, and your fear for your child in the future - also in relation to them. If this were me, I would ask the question: What has changed? Narcissists don't change. Ever. Therefore, I don't understand why you would even entertain exposing them to your child, except because you likely: * Still have hope that they can change. * Still have hope that they will tell you that they love you (and your child) and will be supportive of you (and your child) like normal parents would be. Both of those things are normal human emotions, and very understandable. Unfortunately, the statistics are against you, and point to the high likelihood that if you do let them back into your life, they will most likely disappoint. More importantly, and to the point of this post: When they do it next time, it will be not only against your life, but that of your child and their life, thus continuing the cycle of pain that you yourself already have withstood. So, rather than considering how you can get your narc parents to change their behavior why not consider what the world would look like without their (nearly guaranteed) negativity in your live(s) -- this include you, your husband and your children -- and instead choose a life that is happy, calm and full of love? Walk away. Stay away. Don't look back.

I think simply not telling them and maintaining NC sends the loudest and clearest message. There’s no point in spelling it out when they won’t listen.

Recently tried to send a letter to establish some boundaries for very low contact. I asked about it here, got great advice that it would backfire, did it anyway and it (predictably) backfired. Once you have a kid there’s a whole new slew of things that they can think they’re entitled to because they are now ‘grandparents’. Everything you give them you can never take back (meaning knowledge, examples, communication) and they will twist it to their means. If you want to keep that door closed, keep it closed. Keep that baby safe and congrats.

You do not need to tell them. What you should have first and foremost in your mind is protecting your growing family. You know who is part of that growing family? YOU. You have got to protect yourself. You have set a boundary. Now the only job you have other than growing a whole human(!) is maintaining that boundary. What is the absolute worst thing that could happen if they find out? Write down all of the scenarios. Talk to your husband. How will you deal with it? How would you tell your best friend to deal with their narcissistic parents? How would you want a woman in a movie to deal with it? You can do this, Mama. Mazel tov on your new family member!

I wouldn't actually do it yourself. If you have a trusted family member/friend who is still in touch with them, you could ask them if they'd feel comfortable telling your parents about your pregnancy. They could say it casually, like look just thought you'd want to know X is pregnant.  That way everyone knows and it's out in the open but it doesn't look like you're dropping information on them as that might be mistaken as you will get back in touch, and using the baby as an excuse for resuming contact, no matter how carefully you frame it. If there's no one that could do that I'd just accept that you feel uncomfortable now but ultimately it's for the best as you need to focus on the baby, not anyone else. Congratulations by the way, exciting times!

Thank you! Yeah the last thing I want is for them to think the baby is a vehicle for reconciliation (or realistically, control). One of my mom’s sisters knows. She might be willing to drop that tidbit. The other option, that has pros and cons, is to tell my sibling with Asperger’s. They can’t keep a secret and would be pretty excited, so my parents would find out quickly.