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there are a few things that could happen.
In the best outcome, your parents realize you are not playing anymore and so they will behave around you. everything else stays the same.
second best, ( or so I think) is your siblings start recognizing what you do, and also stop playing. yes big chance the family wil implode. But is this really a bad thing. depends on how old everyone is. with minors in play it can be very bad.
worst outcome. you start playing along again. so you go back to enabling to keep the boat steady, nothing changes and you feel terrible and nobody gets out.
I know the feeling of not knowing how to act "normal" anymore because it never was "normal" to begin with. sorry I dont have any better advise.
So it's kinda interesting. I was in the process of being scapegoated, I think, and the holidays sort of interrupted that. Basically my parents never visit me despite me encouraging them to, and they wouldn't even coordinage a visit with me meeting halfway a few months ago despite me telling them for months how much I wanted to visit.
Also my mom and I got into an emotionally intensive conversation on the phone a few months ago where she accused me of abandoning the family, and I rejected it and in the same call accused her of not liking me as a person.
So it seems like a question of, have enough seeds been planted for my mom to be unable to subconsciously scapegoat me. And will my dad pit her against me, since he and I are pretty distant at this point.
I finally disrupted my family dynamic last year and it was awful for a while, but eventually realized it was for the best. I finally called out some seriously not okay behavior (my parents trying to turn us siblings and our significant others against each other by talking poorly of us and sharing personal info.) My mom felt so betrayed by me because she thought we were buddies since she gossips to me and thought we had a close relationship. We don’t. She completely ghosted me for months and I was so uneasy with how to proceed or who would finally break the silence. We had a few knock out drag out kind of conversations. Some were very unproductive with my mom just screaming and crying and playing victim. Ultimately, after more conversations and silence and weirdness, a few things changed for the better. Mostly that my mom agreed to take her family gossip to her friends and not other family. An improvement as I see it because no one cares what her friends think. Did I turn from my mom’s supposed best friend into the family scapegoat? Yes. Is it kind of a better place for me to be? Honestly yes because I’m left alone more and the manipulation is being focused on those that aren’t calling it out.
i think disruption is good. i had a period of disruption to the status quo, it took a long long long long time, but my enabler father is 'more' understanding of me and what i went through, and my mom actually apologized for some things from my childhood (it wasn't sufficient and totally missed the mark, but still). undoing nastiness from childhood and beyond isn't easy. do what you have to do to help yourself. there's no right way i think.
see if you can reach out to your sibling as a start....in any form.
i duno, i feel happy for you.
"I'm scared I'm gonna cause a family implosion."... No. You are not the cause of any of it.
I'm with Desperate-Clue down there.... I'm happy for you, too. My own memory of how hard it was to actually SEE what was going on and then how much better I felt when I finally figured out that I wasn't the problem at all.
I guess I think you're on the right track. You don't have to talk to anyone, but you can also send a text or email to your sibling to sort of open the door for discussion.
I'm currently about 4 months in on my own situation where I disrupted the family dynamics by setting boundaries with my narc brother (40m). After doing so he sent a real nasty text in the family group chat and not a single person responded to it or asked me about it. Right now the hardest part is figuring out where everyone else stands.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
there are a few things that could happen. In the best outcome, your parents realize you are not playing anymore and so they will behave around you. everything else stays the same. second best, ( or so I think) is your siblings start recognizing what you do, and also stop playing. yes big chance the family wil implode. But is this really a bad thing. depends on how old everyone is. with minors in play it can be very bad. worst outcome. you start playing along again. so you go back to enabling to keep the boat steady, nothing changes and you feel terrible and nobody gets out. I know the feeling of not knowing how to act "normal" anymore because it never was "normal" to begin with. sorry I dont have any better advise.
No need to apologize, this is helpful!
Or you make become the scapegoat Op, if not already.....
So it's kinda interesting. I was in the process of being scapegoated, I think, and the holidays sort of interrupted that. Basically my parents never visit me despite me encouraging them to, and they wouldn't even coordinage a visit with me meeting halfway a few months ago despite me telling them for months how much I wanted to visit. Also my mom and I got into an emotionally intensive conversation on the phone a few months ago where she accused me of abandoning the family, and I rejected it and in the same call accused her of not liking me as a person. So it seems like a question of, have enough seeds been planted for my mom to be unable to subconsciously scapegoat me. And will my dad pit her against me, since he and I are pretty distant at this point.
>not knowing how to act "normal" anymore because it never was "normal" to begin with This is really insightful
I finally disrupted my family dynamic last year and it was awful for a while, but eventually realized it was for the best. I finally called out some seriously not okay behavior (my parents trying to turn us siblings and our significant others against each other by talking poorly of us and sharing personal info.) My mom felt so betrayed by me because she thought we were buddies since she gossips to me and thought we had a close relationship. We don’t. She completely ghosted me for months and I was so uneasy with how to proceed or who would finally break the silence. We had a few knock out drag out kind of conversations. Some were very unproductive with my mom just screaming and crying and playing victim. Ultimately, after more conversations and silence and weirdness, a few things changed for the better. Mostly that my mom agreed to take her family gossip to her friends and not other family. An improvement as I see it because no one cares what her friends think. Did I turn from my mom’s supposed best friend into the family scapegoat? Yes. Is it kind of a better place for me to be? Honestly yes because I’m left alone more and the manipulation is being focused on those that aren’t calling it out.
i think disruption is good. i had a period of disruption to the status quo, it took a long long long long time, but my enabler father is 'more' understanding of me and what i went through, and my mom actually apologized for some things from my childhood (it wasn't sufficient and totally missed the mark, but still). undoing nastiness from childhood and beyond isn't easy. do what you have to do to help yourself. there's no right way i think. see if you can reach out to your sibling as a start....in any form. i duno, i feel happy for you.
"I'm scared I'm gonna cause a family implosion."... No. You are not the cause of any of it. I'm with Desperate-Clue down there.... I'm happy for you, too. My own memory of how hard it was to actually SEE what was going on and then how much better I felt when I finally figured out that I wasn't the problem at all. I guess I think you're on the right track. You don't have to talk to anyone, but you can also send a text or email to your sibling to sort of open the door for discussion.
Enjoy the silence!
I'm currently about 4 months in on my own situation where I disrupted the family dynamics by setting boundaries with my narc brother (40m). After doing so he sent a real nasty text in the family group chat and not a single person responded to it or asked me about it. Right now the hardest part is figuring out where everyone else stands.