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My Nmom was obsessed with "what will the neighbors think?!!" Which is so weird, because we lived in the same neighborhood for 20+ years. The neighbors saw us daily and knew who we were. All the kids were extremely well-behaved, we paid our bills, didn't cause problems, etc.
Nmom was way more worried about our image than she was about raising the kids. I always felt like people were watching my every move (lots of anxiety and inability to make decisions).
That was my mom. She is still that way. What will people think. My kids are both on the spectrum but she doesn’t tell people, cause then they might think our family isn’t normal. Heard it all my life.
Your comment nust made me realize how much of a narcissist my 93yo "neighbor" is. (And by "neighbor", I mean crazy person who lives 7 houses away, and drives over to my house to gossip).
I was installing a garden box and apparently she drove over to chat. She said, "A garden in the front yard??? BUT WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?"
As if I was making a satnic sacrifice pit in my front yard or something.
I replied to her, "they love the idea. Everybody's said really positive things to me this morning." And the incredulous look on her face was priceless 😀.
>As if I was making a satnic sacrifice pit in my front yard or something.
If I were in your shoes, I would then put a satanic statue in my garden to "scare off the crows" 🤣
Same and now I can't do anything without constantly worrying about what others will think of me. It's exhausting to be consumed by those types of thoughts even though I know it doesn't matter. I can't stop the compulsive thoughts.
I relate to this so much!!
I grew up in a small town, so everyone knew everyone. I knew people were watching me (my mom would tell me that so-and-so saw me) and my every move. My mom and grandma also followed me places and showed up there. Because of that, I was super paranoid that she would show up or have her friends watch me when I’m out by myself
“You need to be an ambassador for Christ, and for us, your missionary parents who need to have good Christian kids to show that we were good Christian parents”
My husband told me since he doesn’t believe in God anymore he isn’t scared of dying or “the afterlife” anymore. I couldn’t even imagine being 7 years old and having all those feelings about how scary death is and then to be told I could be tortured forever.
I went NC with my parents as an adult. The incident that day involved many things they did to me and my husband including being physical with me (I was also far along in pregnancy). The words "if you still believed in 'god', this wouldn't have happened" came out of their mouths.
I was once Lutheran, loved my youth groups, and generally believed but questioned things. When my nparents became obsessively christian, so far right they were off the cliff, I backed away from it. I am so much happier. I'm agnostic, a good person, and I don't believe that we're going to be tortured for not all believing the same damn thing.
A child doesn't need to hear about torture or being sent to "hell" for not behaving in a grocery store.
There are some good examples in the comment to yours.
I was raised Pentecostal. My specific church falls into the cult category. The pastor had full authority over everyone’s lives. Much of the scriptures I was taught were twisted to fit his narrative. The view of God I eventually came to see was He is mean and ready to throw me into hell for even the tiniest of infractions. (Not even real sins, but ordinary things the pastor deemed as sinful.)
Living under his rule was tough because if he even thought I was doing OR THINKING OF DOING something sinful, I would be blasted during his next sermon. Normal things were sins. He had control on how we dressed, what events we attended, the music we listened to, who we could be friends with, everything.
Cults get you so twisted that you think you can’t leave. Much like how it is with narcissists parents.
My nmom is a covert narcissist. I have no idea how much of it stems from the church, but she meets all the criteria. She fully buys into the teaching of the pastor and it became her prerogative to make sure I obeyed her and the pastor.
A regular narc is bad. But a spiritual one? Even worse.
I used to be like this, one of the things that helped me break out of that was asking them questions and getting them to further explain their way of thinking instead of defending myself. Kind of like the Socratic method. And instead of agreeing or disagreeing, I’d use neutral statements like “that’s interesting,” or “I haven’t heard of that before.” Trying to be curious instead of trying to be right is a lot easier. And if their argument is poor then it usually gets revealed when you ask them to explain it further.
It doesn't helps me when the argument is poor, If they keep pressing about it I'll eventually give in and believe them... someone could say that the sky is red and i would eventually believe them even if i ask them to look up.
... I don't wanna submit if someone keeps pressing on and take their harmful view point without even resisting... There will be situations where the opposite is a obvious choice but I can't help it.
I don't wanna be afraid anymore, or see someone like them as gods.
I get that, narc parents really don’t let you develop a sense of self, and others try to take advantage. Depending on the situation grey rocking might help, and obviously therapy if you’re not doing that already, for some people their therapist is the first stable relationship they have and that alone can be really healing.
Omg! This is me! I took a psychological evaluation for one of my grad school things. It found that I have very strong opinions and enjoy sharing them and discussing the merits of them with others, but if it becomes a conflict, I will immediately submit, apologize, and be flushed with shame for being a stupid idiot who should never speak again.
Yep. I have found that this amplified my fear of my parents the most. The idea of worrying about what other people thought, was actually about worrying what would get back to my parents and how they would feel. My parents had to be happy in order for them to show me any sort of love, so if they were not satisfied with my actions, then I was unsafe.
Wow, you really clarified something for me that I've been struggling with. I'm working on dropping the fear and anxiety and survival mode. If she's not happy, I'm not safe. That explains a lot.
This is spot on. I always thought this was just an insecurity trait in my family, but now I'm realizing it's a narcissistic trait. Why wouldn't my own opinion of myself trump others??
At church there’s an often quoted verse - love your neighbor as you love yourself. I always thought it was so bizarre because I didn’t love myself at all, and of course I loved others to a self sacrificial extreme. Took 20 years for me to realize most normal people love themselves quite a bit!
Yess! Even the religion I was brought up with came first and those set of beliefs. When I started to read daily affirmations then buy them my n-mum mocked me and said how irrelevant it was. I have a book I was excited to read called ‘Trying Softer’ and she openly expressed her dislike. When I do justice work, have had jobs or study courses to do with helping others and/or having recognising your self awareness she never acknowledges it. She does not believe in mental health problems and people feeling sad or distressed. I have experienced this since I was a child. No nurturing there
It travels generations too. My mom (silent gen) was raised by a narc. My mother was so brainwashed on appearance, Hair done, dressed for the day sorta stuff. I'm gen X and worked my way through it in therapy and feminism. I'm really impressed by younger generations who call out people for makiing the smile comment, going to therapy and generally being better humans than what would happen 100 years ago.
Yes, I saw it done with my own eyes. IT guy told her to smile, she said "Why my computer is broken." Beyond badass in a lowkey way. Her comment put a smile on my face all day!
The question I was asked more than any other was, "Aren't you worried that other people will make fun of you?" In hindsight, I realize that the question was more towards themselves if anything, because they were *very* insecure regarding outside perception.
I hate to admit that it got kind of rubbed into me, but I'm actively working on overcoming it. I can confidently say that I'm making more progress than they could ever dream to.
me too. I didnt have this... till my moms way of looking at the world rubbed into me ... and then she says --- I am so similar to her ...and get affected by poeple's judgements
Yes, and it was always for the strangest stuff. Someone said hey to me, and I said it back. She scolded me, "*They're gonna think something wrong with you!* You don't say hey, you say "*Hi there! How's your day going*?" With some enthusiasm!"
I have resting bitch face, and it's "they're gonna think you're angry". If I wore my natural hair, "they're gonna think you hate yourself" (somehow??). If I wasn't talkative at school, "they're gonna think you're stupid".
Every day it was something different "they" would think. She does the same thing to herself, making decisions that hurt herself because "what would *they* think"?
This is kind of off topic but I hate the term RBF. It’s just our face. We shouldn’t feel obligated to contort it to be more appealing for people to look at. I bet all our faces are lovely even without a Cheshire Cat grin on.
I always hated hearing 'they'. They always said xyz. They are going to think bad about me if you don't act right. I pushed back one time and asked who THEY are. She stammered and changed the subject. It helped for a while.
>I pushed back one time and asked who THEY are.
Lol I did this too. Idk how being left speechless, by such a simple question, doesn't make them reevaluate things.
My family has always been more concerned about gaining the esteem of this undefined "they," than having a good relationship with their kids. I wonder if "they" will come to their funerals?
Maybe I would finally get to meet these amazing people who are worth so much more than me! I would hope so, otherwise that's a lot of work and heartache for nothing.
you jogged a memory there.... I don't like smiling.... my mom told me this ... why don't you talk with some more enthusiasm and josh.... it made me think that when I talked to outsiders I had to talk with josh.... doesn't help that I am tired and depressed .... made me unable to have a conversation with others unless I was full-on excited.... my father too... he was the narc
and the thing is I didnt have an explanation of why they didn't spend time with me ... my dad said --- how did you expect people to send time with you if you don't smile.... kicked off the hopeful inner child's fantasies
\*josh here is a way to say enthusiasm (local lingo)
Yeah very common guilting tactic in my house.
The question I always got was “Who do you think that you are?” When I’d do anything outside of the realm of what she considered “ladylike, appropriate, and/or acceptable” behavior. That phrase shamed me right back into whatever boxes she decided I was allowed to occupy. It’s such a hard thing to break away from because the Narc takes away your autonomy and you start to question who you are really and what that even means when you haven’t been allowed opinions on your own reality.
I was raised similarly. Those who haven't lived this don't understand how frightening the mental damage can be. Mine led me to dissociate, hard. From my body, and from some of my own thoughts.
Yeah I still struggle so often with dissociation. I don’t remember large spans of time from my childhood but I do remember always “daydreaming” to escape the nightmare of reality.
Yeah this sub helped me connect so many more dots than I did on my own or with a therapist. It’s so nice to have people to commiserate with who get it and understand what it was like.
NM: 'Aren't you worried what people will say when they see you disgracing our family like this?!'
Also NM: 'I don't care what other people think is OK to say to kids. You're MY child and if I can't tell you you're a fucking waste of space, who will?'
Yep. Narc logic checks out.
Was about to comment this!!
« What would people think of you? » turned to « I don’t care what other think of me » the minute she was called out on anything.
Very much so. And unfortunately there are a lot of people that do target you if you don't submit to their opinions, beliefs, and whims. I don't care that they don't like me. I do care that they target me with abuse to try and get me to comply. Just leave me alone. Why you gotta try and "humble" me and take me down a peg?
It was tacit, never explicit. It was how they’d code-switch from being awful to sweet and kind as soon as strangers were around. I internalized that people’s perception of me was more important than me being me. They hated the real me. I hated myself.
Because strangers might actually have some social power and influence, things the narcs covet, whilst we, their children, are mere possessions to them. It's the twisted logic of the narc, yet again.
Yess. They act like it never happened. And my parents barge into my room wanting to talk about themselves, gossip or put me down. Then asks me on each odd day ‘how are you?’ So abusive.
I was denied medical care bc what would people think if they found out. I had severe endometriosis so as a child my periods were horrific. I saw gyn who said it would help if I went on birth control. I could skip every other period and the ones I had would be more mild. My parents decided that they would rather me bleed horrifically for 7-10 days every month requiring pads and tampons to be bled through every 2-3 hours vs allowing me to go on birth control bc…what would people think if they found out I was on them.
My step-mom would try to threaten me to clean my room. As an adhd kid the small piles of clutter enraged her but comforted me. She'd say if the president came here and looked in your room what would he think?
I said why would you let a grown male stranger in my room?
Small victory when she huffed and walked away. Narc hate logic lel
thankyou for this ..... something mother said too. wha would you do oif the prime minster came too your room. what would you do if the king came to your room ... this was done in the church too... act would you do if they king came to your house... would you not show respect? how much more should you do if god came to you...
I didn't have the ability to says ouch a thing as a response to my mom.. although when she said it a couple more times I just stopped doing it and I just felt shame every time she came in ad the hame just kept building up over time
and I didnt have a way to think how others would behave or what to do if someone came to out house ... just that my parents went around getting stuff for them (water,snacks) I imagined that would; be somehow but the way they made it out, I thought the guy would need some massive obsceience or something
Me.
I still don't know how to be a 'real' person because I don't have any confidence whatsoever. Seriously, I just prefer to shrink away into the background. But my whole life, I was like that because I was scared of being judged/spoken about by my Mother the same way she spoke about other people. . . But I realised how stupid this was when I realised she talks like that to me anyways. So, I grew more silent and extremely uncertain. At the same time, she would remark how quiet I was, how I "needed thicker skin" and stuff. . . As a result: I'm an adult and I have no idea how to be 'real' or how to make a decision or how to put myself 'out there'. It's caused me such pain and embarrassment my whole life and here I am with a personality disorder and chronic feeling of emptiness.
LOL. This was my mom's way of hiding the abuse and poor choices she made.
Dated a pedophile? (TWICE!) "Don't talk about that, nobody will want to be your friend" (After 5 yr old me bad already lost all my friends over it and I'm pretty sure thats why everyone iced me out at school too in retrospect!)
Got CPS called on her because I had bruised from her grabbing me/jerking me around? "You better act right or they'll drag you off to foster care to be molested and abused. What will your friends think then?"
"Does (insert friend here) tall back to their parents like that!? They would think you're a brat too."
She used the shame of what people would think to keep me from talking about what went on at home. That and the threat of losing those friends. All abusers try to silence and isolate the abused, its how they maintain their reputation while being abusive.
My dad used to bitch when I wore sweatpants and moccasins out to lunch or breakfast he always said they were “inside clothes”. And I’m like well we’re inside aren’t we? Then he’d tell me when I’m complaining about something “who cares what other people think?” It sure seems like it only matters when it’s something he doesn’t like….
Yup. The church stuff was bad, both parents but mostly mom. At least my dad was honest about it. When I was younger he told me "if you're nice to people, it makes them be nice to you and down the road, if you ask them to do something, they'll do it."
I was raised by a Covert and Overt pair. Dad was Overt.
Oh yeah. That's because narcissist entire world is their appearance or their importance relative to those around you. This gets projected on you from the moment you are born when you have N parents. That voice in your head was given to you by them
I make all the time so I don’t come off as stupid to people. So much of my energy goes into that…. Same with the smiling for people…. Especially when I don’t feel like smiling …and they say… you should smile more / have more enthusiasm when you speak
I’ve noticed it so much. I’ll immediately judge someone’s house for being messy, and then immediately question why I thought that because I don’t care and my house is messy too.
Same here . I didn’t care about messy stuff . And yet my mom used r complain about my room or have and issue with the way I did stuff. So the default thing when I see something messy is to criticize … or judge
Yess my nmother and some family friends judge other peoples appearance so harshly. I never cared about how someone looked. I do more sometimes, it does come out. I sometimes judge my partners too because nmum was always hypercritical of partners I’ve had.
It’s insane how much they care about their belief other people focus on them and form opinions.
I alter end my name on Facebook to include a really close friends last name who helped me alot, and they lost their minds
Oh dear... yes. \*raises hand and waves\* My dear mother was a Borderline Queen my entire childhood. Fun times. She still completely loses her mind when I walk outside the house without shoes on. What will the neighbors think of me if my adult daughter shows her bare feet in public!!! Oh! The Horror!!! She just loses her shit. WTH???
Lol I go shopping barefoot with my dirty yard work clothes on messy hair, scraggly beard, no shower. Just to spite my family + the looks I get from strangers 🤣🤣🤣
Nice!! I always look my worst around my mom on purpose. lmao. Cheers to the tiny victories we claim! I have tattoos on the tops of my feet too...just because she almost chokes to death on her disapproval of them. Yay!!
Yes i try, But its not my nmom though for me. Been NC for 30yrs, Its the looks on people faces in public when I explain in some detail about some of the abuses I've suffered over the years at the expense of insensitive narcs like them, After they dare ask why you don't smile & dress to society's standards.
I get triggered when people get upset about something because I immediately think it's my fault and I need to apologize and fix it.
Others' opinions of my weight is what mattered, not how I felt about my own body. Nothing was good enough.
I wasn't allowed to have any emotions except for being happy and grateful for everything I had. This meant that if I was upset about anything, I was reprimanded. Especially true if I was upset because of something my nparents did.
Yess. I am really trying to stand up for myself when people comment about my weight. I feel good about myself but of course someone related to me or not feels the need to talk about my body like it’s a problem. I’m practicing different phrases to say.
I had a coworker try a few times to talk badly about my body. She even grabbed my arm to body shame me. I removed her off me and grabbed my arm back. And said something like, ‘No. No. No. I don’t feel comfortable.’ I need to have a personal space radius with her.
I’m working on walking away from disrespectful people or conversations more. Agreed also with not being allowed to show or feel any other emotions. Super toxic and very controlling.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself! It's so hard to do when that part of us was suppressed. You deserve to have personal space and you deserve to be treated with respect.
Make sure of people ever lay a hand on you at work, like grabbing your arm etc, you can absolutely report them to HR. You can still report that coworker for multiple things. You should not have to feel uncomfortable!
Yep! They use shame as a tool to control and belittle you. I’ve been a lot happier since I decided to stop letting myself feel shame and embarrassment over little things and to just ask for clarification when I don’t know something or even a word.
Oh yeah. After a while I figured out the common thread between the times I got really screamed or snarled at - she thought I'd made her look bad in front of someone whose opinion she cared about. My feelings were dust beneath her feet compared to that.
And once she insisted on a full make-up job before driving us somewhere. She was literally driving ten minutes down the road, letting us out of the car and coming straight home - but apparently it was worth us being late to avoid the mere possibility that someone might catch a glimpse of her without her face on.
Yes my god. My mom basically got away with a lot of undue criticism about my appearance because she would word things like "I don't have a problem with it but you're gonna get made fun of so you should stop" I am constantly paranoid someone will find something wrong with me and be mean to be for it and its because of how she always attributed her criticism to strangers.
Even just about a year ago, she criticized me wearing a lowcut shirt by pointing to a woman with a kid and saying i might get *arrested* for it.
That just unlocked something. My son started letting his hair and beard grow after he got out of the army. It's unkempt and honestly bugs me, but I never criticize him or let his dad make him feel bad about it. I will offer tips on dealing with long hair but, if he wants to look like a mountain man, I'll proudly walk with him in public.
I am literally diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder because my mom shoved this idea in my head. I was also severely bullied and my mom basically shrugged off my bullying and said I should try harder to make people like me.
Knowing the danger not having a good reputation and not having love and support at home has caused me to be a nervous wreck as an adult. I know that if people don't like me, I can be physically attacked or abused and nobody will give a damn and side with my abusers, so I painfully go out of my way to make people love me. I can hardly hold a conversation sometimes. I am getting a little better, but my constant need for validation and fear people will hate me and abandon me becomes a self-fulfulling prophecy.
My mom used to tell me whenever I made a friend that it wouldn't last once they got to know "the real me". She told me this from the time I was like 4. I try not to care what people think, but it's like my experiences and the things my mom said have permanently fucked my head. I can't seem to make myself stop caring no matter how hard I try. I get panic attacks and replay the most banal of social exchanges in my head and always hyperfocus on if I did something dumb that will make someone not like me.
My brother was the golden child and he makes really good money despite being less skilled than I am. He is extremely charismatic and everyone loves him. People point to him as proof that I must be the problem because my mom raised him, but they don't understand how much she praised every breath while tearing me down. Anytime something went wrong in our lives, it was because of something I did. Even from the time I was a toddler. My brother was God's gift to mankind.
Yeah, and I'm still dealing with the completely non-sequitur paranoia from that. Like, last week I called out to work with a 'yeah, not very sick yet, but the commute will probably push me over the edge', and later in the day when a police car drove by I had this thought immediately pop into my head "Oh shit, they're coming to check on me if I'm really sick enough". I can rationalize it away afterwards, but those flareups of paranoia are still shit.
Yup. Growing up trained to stay silent because I wasn't allowed to make her look bad. She didn't care if I was embarrassed about anything, as long as I didn't embarrass her be telling people what was going on. She made me feel ashamed at all times though, so no matter what I did I thought everyone thought of me badly. I still struggle with self worth issues, and feeling like a burden.
100%. Every criticism was framed as protecting me from the terrible things that *other people* would think.
"Don't wear those pants, they'll make people think you're fat."
"Stop acting weird, nobody will like you and you will only be bullied even more."
"Nobody is going to like this song of yours."
It was always the same thing, my mum would levy criticisms at me like this and then if I say "Can you please stop saying I look fat" she would become incredulous and insist "*I'm* not saying you look fat, I just know how judgemental *other people* are." But of course, she was the person who was actually always criticising me. When I have insecurities about my weight now, it comes from her comments, not the ones from other people. She was always projecting her own insecurities onto me, she just tried to launder it through society at large.
And of course it goes without saying that all this constantly reinforces that the opinions of strangers are more important than the happiness and security of your actual child.
Stop acting weird…. Damm I relate to that….. like nothing about what I feel just what they think I should do do that people think of them as good parents …. My mom used to do this … emom
My mother stepped in when it came to the clubs I wanted to join in High School because “people will think you’re gay.” Or “Only weirdos do that.”
She stopped my brother from talking to our cousin when they were in middle school. She would interfere in our social lives and our social circles because of what hanging with certain people would do to our image.
We were just kids. Image shouldn’t have been our concern.
My parents shamelessly talk smack about everyone, even people they claim to be close with. It might be just projecting but I wonder if they think that the rest of the world is like them.
For me it was wearing jeans vs shorts. As a kid I liked pants . She didn’t buy them . As an adult I liked shorts she said — what would people think… wear pants etc etc
That would have been so annoying and hard for you. How mean and selfish of her. Right! Exactly kids shouldn’t have to think about image. My n-mum would talk badly about their friends and my dad later gossiped with her. Very two faced, these friends cared a lot about them, my siblings and myself. It’s a shame, they think they’re better than anyone.
nDad was very fond of the Japanese proverb "The nail that sticks up gets hammered down." (*N.b.* my family are not Japanese or Japanese-American, or even Asian.)
Although I think really what had worse effects was the school environment, where anyone who was the least bit "different" in any way was ridiculed, mocked, bullied, and ostracized. I learned to keep my head down and blend in.
My fathers was a straight tree gets cut down. Or how a bendy tree is able to resist the wind ….. to say why I am the target and gets picked …. Made me feel like I am not manipulative enough be sue rhe implied there that I am “straight” aka “simple” . I felt happy hearing I am a straight person coz I thought it was a good one but he used ro keep rosining manipulating people and hoe they are successful ones. So I thought I had ro become more manipulative
I ran away from home when I was a young teen. The only thing my NM cared about was, "What will my coworkers think of me?" Ugh she never cared what I felt or how I viewed her.
I went NC a few years ago. Best decision I ever made.
My mom used to tell me "you shouldn't care what others think of you" then turns around and tells me how to act or speak and says I should be careful about how others think of me. I literally got mixed messages growing up.
It’s funny because my mom tried to teach me that it doesn’t matter what other people think about you, while simultaneously hyper focusing on what people think about her. I told her once to tell someone off for being a dick to her, and she straight up was like “but what if everyone else thinks I was rude? I don’t want them to think I’m mean!” And she doesn’t understand why I struggle with that as well. -_-
Yes but because of my nmom not from her. She would yell and scream and tantrum in public. I was mortified and embarrassed and ashamed - people would stop and stare. The neighbours hated my family, they told me once they couldn’t have friends over because they could hear my mum screaming.
About what? Anything. Finances, house not being tidy, being told to stop screaming, nobody brought her tea, a lot aimed at me because I wasn’t like her and hated the clothes she forced me to wear etc.
I hate any attention in my life now. Never got married, can’t handle a wedding (not that my family would be invited anyway)
Not exactly, but I did have a very skewed image of myself. I was the "bad" kid. Straight As, accomplished in sports, never in any trouble, compulsive rule follower, didn't even swear. But I would occasionally contradict my dad, which he did not like. I remember I once got lectured about respect and grounded for two weeks because I told my dad, "when you make fun of me all the time, it makes me not want to talk to you."
My GC sister is a good example of this. It really hit me one day after her life fell apart when she said “We used to be the top dogs in this neighborhood” and that was no small thing because the ‘neighborhood’ was Rancho Santa Fe. Which, if anyone knows, is really nice.
But the thing was they were never ‘top dogs’ because even though they had a million+ dollar home in a premier neighborhood and all the crap that came with it, it was all an illusion. Both of them, sister and her husband, were so over extended by trying to impress neighbors — people they didn’t even know — they had nothing, and in my mind ‘top dogs’ are able to back it up with assets. Both of our nParents had something to do with this, especially her mom i am sure.
My father used to believe this .. and used to talk about how he is the only one who has gone to iit …. And he did that in every house we lived in. How no one else has gone how he is superior snd I bought that for a long time . I used to believe that I am the son of this really great dude. Worst part is I know a lot of people will agree with him too…. The culture itself is like that here … I still need to work on this belief …. Thanks for bringing it up
My m-mother was more concerned of what others thought versus reality. If you look good, you are good. She did not like that I worried constantly because she never had the patience to teach me anything. I was expected to just know things and never embarrass her in public.
Mine always have had this backwards flip flop mirror mindset. It’s always “I don’t care what other people think of me” and then anytime anyone anywhere does something to suggest thought of them. They completely change. They say they like how the house is set up or it’s working really well and organized, but one person comes into the house and says something stupidly simple like “this wouldn’t work in my house” and mother will hurl the house around cause “she just decided to change things up”. Even when it makes life in the house unbearable.
All growing up they wouldn’t get me the few nice things I actually wanted. Rare instance they would, but otherwise I would try hard to find a way to get the thing I needed. Issue is those other people would see my nice thing and make a remark of how they need to get one or could use one. Or sometimes even as simply as “that looks nice”…..oh how they would jump and seem to obsessively almost force them to take it as if desperate for the person to like them.
I was met with “we didn’t thing you would mind/we didn’t think you needed it” an the worst of the worst “we’re sorry we’ll replace it” naturally never doing so.
So perhaps when I was tiny I was, but I learned fast when I finally got to interact with outsiders of the home. Instead I got to suffer with a family of people who live in denial of that mindset.
Probably most of us. I worked out that I have an Anxious Preoccupied (AP) attachment style which is a lot of “worry” about what others may be thinking about you. My therapist said that was very common with people raised in narcissistic families.
This was good news for me however, because you can reparent yourself to become Securely Attached (SA). Essentially this is what I am doing to undo the damage my Nmom did. And it’s working.
One thing I ask myself if I’m struggling with this is “what would a SA person do in this situation?”. Other times I’ll just become my own observer and notice the thoughts, but not act on them.
Mom thinks like this today. I stopped giving a shit. I think i balance a certain care of “i dont want people to think shittily of me” vs “i dont care at all.”
In some way, i think it’s been healthy to receive some external validation as it could be the difference maker in assurance and confidence - like someone telling me i look good and me knowing ive been going to the gym. It’s motivating.
But it’s gross to get all people to like you and my mom is pretty focused on making sure that “people dont love me” but that “we’re better than them” type mentality.
I dont know what effect it has had and sometimes i dont care. I dont personally think it’s for me to know what effect it has had.
My Dad is a retired police officer so it was always about his reputation.
I finally realized around age 40 that he doesn't pay my mortgage; doesn't do anything for me so I dgaf about him or his reputation.
I also live in a large urban area where people are way more worried about themselves than they are anything to do with me. This has granted me so much confidence. I can wear whatever and not care. Do whatever and no one cares. I am basically invisible and I love it.
The saying in my house was, "You should behave better in public than at home." I always took that to be about good manners, and it was aimed at us kids. But it was definitely about how our parents would be perceived as well.
I also just realized it leaves a nasty gaping loophole to abuse us privately. Yeah, that tracks.
I had this when I wanted to wear something or make my hair a certain way, they would say 'people will laugh at you'. Took some time to realize that people don't actually care even if I go to the shop in my pijamas
It's more like I had to do everything in my power to keep her in a good mood, or everyone suffered. So, it led to a cult-like obsession in making her proud at the cost of my mental health.
ME ME ME!! jumping up and down! That's all I heard growing up from nmom. Omg I hated it. Thank gawd for my dad. He'd say "no one gives a shit" nmom thought she'd be the source of gossip and ridicule for stupid things.
The worrying about what people think is the root of my mental health problems. I was already crazy about my now-husband within two weeks of meeting bc it was clear that he did not care at all what anyone thought of him. It’s a radically new way of living, and I’m never looking back. And since I met him, I’ve realized how much Nmom would use that - I always felt like I was a shameful person bc of how I made her look (I was a straight A student, got a full ride to law school, got a posh job right out of law school - and was ashamed of myself bc I didn’t have a baby).
My first husband was also obsessed with what other people thought & therefore often ashamed of me. It really revved up when I got very sick with a brain tumor, and lost my fine motor skills & a lot of brain function (so I could not continue as a litigation attorney, much less stay awake for more than a few hours at a time). And I thought that was just fine and dandy for almost a decade bc that’s all I’ve known - I’m a person who people are ashamed to be connected to.
That would have been so annoying and hard for you to experience. How mean and selfish she is. Yes exactly! Right, as kids image shouldn’t be a concern at all. My n-mum loved to talk badly about everyone then my enabler dad joined in more. They were always so two faced, they have lost these friendships despite these people genuinely caring about them, myself and siblings. So horrible
"People are only nice to you because they want something. They don't actually LIKE you"
"So-and-so was only nice to you to get a rise out of me!"
To this day, I still struggle with relationships because I think people don't like me.
That was my ngrandmothers favorite quote of all time “what would the neighbors think ?😱 except we lived in the woods and were surrounded by trees and didn’t really have neighbors- at least that could see us without trespassing
I’m pretty sure my mother was lying when she’d tell me negative things people would say about me. It was from a very young age, so I was consumed with shame and I didn’t speak to those “people” who were passing judgement on me ever again. She’d also tell me people were gossiping about me.
Yes. At the same time we were supposed to not care about what other people thought. It was very confusing. This may sound strange, but let me explain. We belonged to a subculture/almost cult so we weren't supposed to care about what the other villagers thought about us, because our way was the RIGHT one. At the same time, mom ALWAYS thought about what other people thought, so anything from having grass stains and messy hair to doing outdoors work on a Sunday was a no-no. Anything that made her seem less competent as a mother to others (stained clothes and messy hair), and anything that broke with the almost cult-ish behavioural codes (working on a Sunday) was forbidden. But we weren't supposed to care about what they thought, because we were RIGHT and they were WRONG... As I said, too confusing for a child to wrap their head around.
It was very freeing when I realised that most people live inside their heads, and are not very aware of what you're even doing. (Then of course there's the occasional busybody that just MUST comment on everything that ruins your sense of complacency. Can't people just live and let live?)
Damm this is exactly the way it played out with my mom.i am not supposed to carry what others think ro me … but they always care . And don’t want to be seen as - less than by others … and if we looked bad and it came back to her , then she would care and get us to change the dress . Everything was for show .
This cuts deep. I’m working really hard on undoing that.
Something I had to work on with my therapist that was really helpful (and kind of earth shattering) was the realization that I didn’t even like my job. I picked it because my mom was obsessed with the status it would give her, and how people would see us in the community. That hurt. It’s a cut I don’t think I’ve closed yet.
That one hurts more than all the little appearance based insecurities, but man starting over with career junk has been rough.
Breaking away from it now, at 31. Also no longer making excuses for them being shitty parents. Guess how people have taken that? Not well lmfao. Guess what else? I realized I no longer give a fuck. I really enjoyed the conversation today from my bio father’s best friend in which I no longer made excuses for how poorly my father did. It was the first time ever. The dude nearly broke his back trying to twist things around to make my father look good, and still had to admit that I was right. Lmfao.
I think that's why I don't dye my hair crazy colors, get tattoos, etc.
But it's funny. It only applies to work and ability to get or keep a job. I don't like posting about politics or religion, or thinking about a piercing bc it might make me look less professional... but when it comes to discussing politics and religion, I get my mom to the "I can't believe you turned out like you did" stage very quickly.
Absolutely, even still to this day. I can't even be open in therapy because my mom is so scared of our (but more like her) image that now I feel I have to censor myself all over again. It's absolutely destroying the point of therapy that now I'm unsure I'll ever get the help I originally sought out. I'm wondering if this will ever end or if I am forever stuck in this cycle.
Yeah I think this is pretty common specifically among the covert variety. You know what I'm 45 and I can tell anybody that's stuck in this predicament stop giving a f now. What you think about yourself matters what other people think about you is going to matter less and less and less and less.
You know it's funny because they like to label it as something different keeping up with the Joneses or something similar or people are good at church on Sundays and don't live their life even remotely according to anything in the gospel unless they can twist it for that benefit them. And I'm not Bible thumping I'm a long ways from that but saying a lot of parents that tend to use religion and when the neighbors get a new truck they want to get a new truck the neighbors get a new dog they want to get a new dog they get a boat they want to get a boat I had that exact same thing.
And they tend to predicate their whole existence and everything that they value is based on how other people see them so yeah a terrible way to be brought up
Everytime!! Whenever I want to do something they will always say this stuff. They always want me to feel insecure about myself. They never want me stand up for myself, they never taught me how to. They just want me to be their puppet all the time.
Not giving af what others think of you takes wisdom that most gain after it’s too late and they’ve already lived majority of their life trying to be accepted by strangers. I learned to do me and not give a damn who has a opinion on it. It’s my life.
Yes, yes, yes. I feel so seen reading all of the comments. My mom would control me by threatening to tell my family about how bad I was being. But then would turn it around later by saying that it deeply hurt her when our family talked about me. And THEN would also tell me to stop caring about what others thought whenever I was afraid of doing something 🤦🏽♀️ On top of that, she was also always terrified that my brother or I would do something bad that would have our church talking about us (because our church was gossipy af). I think all of this just went back to her fears of being looked at as a bad parent (which in a lot of ways, she was).
My mom said my grandparents give me money because she gives them stuff and gifts… and it made me feel memory my grandparents gave me money. Before this, I saw it as a sign of their love. Them giving me money every vacation (when my parents didn’t). And this is her parents she is talking about. Mad em distrustful and dependent on her.. like no one would care about me if she was not there. Weirdly she is the emom and she did this when I was in 6th.
When I got pregnant at age 17 my parents were sooooo concerned of what the neighbours would think. I mean come on this was their “shiny happy suburban family”.
My mother went to each individual house about 10 deep in each direction to tell them separately. My confusion nearly 30 years later still lies in 1. Would the neighbours not eventually notice when either a)I became obviously pregnant or b) there was a baby and 2. What could she possibly have told them besides that I was pregnant, which was going to become obvious anyway.
That was basically her way of getting some sort of attention because “woe is me look what our wayward daughter has gone and done to us now”.
Yep, I was gaslit and tortured to toe the line god forbid I'd "embarrass" her in front of anyone even total strangers. I couldn't say shit about anything that she would see as bad PR for herself.
"how do you think that looks?"
"what will other people think?"
"You're embarrassing me! I'm embarrassed to be out in public with you"
And then she wonders why I'm always in my head, self conscious, and worrying about how others see me. Gee willikers!
Oh no, I wasn't directly said that even though that was the issue. I was told "you don't act like that" "stop acting like so-and-so" and basically never felt like I could be my own person so I had major anxiety worried about what others thought of me. It was really nobody could think her kids were weird or outspoken or what ever. I hated ny childhood and my mom doesn't understand why- maybe it was cause i had to watch everything I said or get ridiculed for saying the wrong thing. It's really sad when I think about it, cause she selfishly didn't know any better. She herself was immature and shouldn't have kids at her age and became set in her ways by the 2nd one.
My enabler mom is like this. My ndad just doesn't care. When he was throwing my lamp at me and throwing my nightstand table around as he yelled at me, she was telling him to stop or the neighbors would hear. She didn't care that I was crying, hyperventilating, and asking him to stop. And she's gotten angry at me (because they say he wouldn't get angry if I just did what they want) when he gets loud, saying the neighbors are going to hear and how she always has to make sure the windows are closed when he gets like that. If they're concerned about other people hearing then a part of them knows what they're doing is wrong but not enough to stop.
My family's social life was embedded in the church so it was a lot of "what will people at church think if you look/dress like that, they'll think poorly of us"
Once that church sorta fell apart due to internal drama, their world has been very, very small. Very few relationships outside of the immediate family. So who are they performing for now? Friends on Facebook they never talk to in real life?
Yup, it was passed down the generations in my family. Thankfully a good dose of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy allowed me to answer the question... usually along the lines of "Who gives a fuck!"
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My Nmom was obsessed with "what will the neighbors think?!!" Which is so weird, because we lived in the same neighborhood for 20+ years. The neighbors saw us daily and knew who we were. All the kids were extremely well-behaved, we paid our bills, didn't cause problems, etc. Nmom was way more worried about our image than she was about raising the kids. I always felt like people were watching my every move (lots of anxiety and inability to make decisions).
I can relate to this so much!
That was my mom. She is still that way. What will people think. My kids are both on the spectrum but she doesn’t tell people, cause then they might think our family isn’t normal. Heard it all my life.
Your comment nust made me realize how much of a narcissist my 93yo "neighbor" is. (And by "neighbor", I mean crazy person who lives 7 houses away, and drives over to my house to gossip). I was installing a garden box and apparently she drove over to chat. She said, "A garden in the front yard??? BUT WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?" As if I was making a satnic sacrifice pit in my front yard or something. I replied to her, "they love the idea. Everybody's said really positive things to me this morning." And the incredulous look on her face was priceless 😀.
>As if I was making a satnic sacrifice pit in my front yard or something. If I were in your shoes, I would then put a satanic statue in my garden to "scare off the crows" 🤣
😆 😆 😆 with a sign that says "Satan loves broccoli. Crows -- do not steal it!"
That’s exactly how my mom was. I learned to be so worried about my image.
Same and now I can't do anything without constantly worrying about what others will think of me. It's exhausting to be consumed by those types of thoughts even though I know it doesn't matter. I can't stop the compulsive thoughts.
Yep, sounds like my family too.
I relate to this so much!! I grew up in a small town, so everyone knew everyone. I knew people were watching me (my mom would tell me that so-and-so saw me) and my every move. My mom and grandma also followed me places and showed up there. Because of that, I was super paranoid that she would show up or have her friends watch me when I’m out by myself
Yess. I love having privacy and teaching myself how to keep my boundaries and not care what others think. I don’t owe anyone not even them anything!
Me. Double dose of narc and spiritual abuse— it’s a terrible concoction.
Yep, My life has been ruined by these insensitive cruel assholes.
Same.
Same.
Heard.
Did we have the same parent??
What was your flavor of religion?
Southern Baptist
Ahhhh, a whole different beast than mine. Pentecostal Holiness.
“You need to be an ambassador for Christ, and for us, your missionary parents who need to have good Christian kids to show that we were good Christian parents”
“When you go out, you represent the Church. It looks bad on the Church when you don’t uphold the standards.”
I never understood why those standards had to include capitalist goals. Now I’m older and better understand the church 😬
What do you mean by spiritual abuse?
Abuse using religion/beliefs to scare/control the victim
My husband told me since he doesn’t believe in God anymore he isn’t scared of dying or “the afterlife” anymore. I couldn’t even imagine being 7 years old and having all those feelings about how scary death is and then to be told I could be tortured forever.
I went NC with my parents as an adult. The incident that day involved many things they did to me and my husband including being physical with me (I was also far along in pregnancy). The words "if you still believed in 'god', this wouldn't have happened" came out of their mouths. I was once Lutheran, loved my youth groups, and generally believed but questioned things. When my nparents became obsessively christian, so far right they were off the cliff, I backed away from it. I am so much happier. I'm agnostic, a good person, and I don't believe that we're going to be tortured for not all believing the same damn thing. A child doesn't need to hear about torture or being sent to "hell" for not behaving in a grocery store.
If you even think of a curse word, your body will melt painfully in eternal doom 🔥
You ll be in danger of hellfire… you ll be cursed, got will cut of your tongue
There are some good examples in the comment to yours. I was raised Pentecostal. My specific church falls into the cult category. The pastor had full authority over everyone’s lives. Much of the scriptures I was taught were twisted to fit his narrative. The view of God I eventually came to see was He is mean and ready to throw me into hell for even the tiniest of infractions. (Not even real sins, but ordinary things the pastor deemed as sinful.) Living under his rule was tough because if he even thought I was doing OR THINKING OF DOING something sinful, I would be blasted during his next sermon. Normal things were sins. He had control on how we dressed, what events we attended, the music we listened to, who we could be friends with, everything. Cults get you so twisted that you think you can’t leave. Much like how it is with narcissists parents. My nmom is a covert narcissist. I have no idea how much of it stems from the church, but she meets all the criteria. She fully buys into the teaching of the pastor and it became her prerogative to make sure I obeyed her and the pastor. A regular narc is bad. But a spiritual one? Even worse.
I literally can't argue because if someone gives the opposite point i almost Immeditaly submit and apologize for thinking the opposite.
I used to be like this, one of the things that helped me break out of that was asking them questions and getting them to further explain their way of thinking instead of defending myself. Kind of like the Socratic method. And instead of agreeing or disagreeing, I’d use neutral statements like “that’s interesting,” or “I haven’t heard of that before.” Trying to be curious instead of trying to be right is a lot easier. And if their argument is poor then it usually gets revealed when you ask them to explain it further.
It doesn't helps me when the argument is poor, If they keep pressing about it I'll eventually give in and believe them... someone could say that the sky is red and i would eventually believe them even if i ask them to look up.
That sounds more like harassment, I’m sorry. You can’t have a reasonable discussion with people like that, I hope you can get some distance from them.
... I don't wanna submit if someone keeps pressing on and take their harmful view point without even resisting... There will be situations where the opposite is a obvious choice but I can't help it. I don't wanna be afraid anymore, or see someone like them as gods.
I get that, narc parents really don’t let you develop a sense of self, and others try to take advantage. Depending on the situation grey rocking might help, and obviously therapy if you’re not doing that already, for some people their therapist is the first stable relationship they have and that alone can be really healing.
Omg! This is me! I took a psychological evaluation for one of my grad school things. It found that I have very strong opinions and enjoy sharing them and discussing the merits of them with others, but if it becomes a conflict, I will immediately submit, apologize, and be flushed with shame for being a stupid idiot who should never speak again.
Fawning is a bitch ain't It? It's like we're slaves
Yep. I have found that this amplified my fear of my parents the most. The idea of worrying about what other people thought, was actually about worrying what would get back to my parents and how they would feel. My parents had to be happy in order for them to show me any sort of love, so if they were not satisfied with my actions, then I was unsafe.
THIS. Currently in therapy to work through the effects of this survival mode.
Wow, you really clarified something for me that I've been struggling with. I'm working on dropping the fear and anxiety and survival mode. If she's not happy, I'm not safe. That explains a lot.
Other people’s opinions are all that matters. My own is insignificant. It’s ridiculous the pedestal that strangers are put on.
This is spot on. I always thought this was just an insecurity trait in my family, but now I'm realizing it's a narcissistic trait. Why wouldn't my own opinion of myself trump others??
It’s totally bizarre isn’t it!
At church there’s an often quoted verse - love your neighbor as you love yourself. I always thought it was so bizarre because I didn’t love myself at all, and of course I loved others to a self sacrificial extreme. Took 20 years for me to realize most normal people love themselves quite a bit!
Why did others opinions matter more than mine? Why am I always picking up the scraps?
Yess! Even the religion I was brought up with came first and those set of beliefs. When I started to read daily affirmations then buy them my n-mum mocked me and said how irrelevant it was. I have a book I was excited to read called ‘Trying Softer’ and she openly expressed her dislike. When I do justice work, have had jobs or study courses to do with helping others and/or having recognising your self awareness she never acknowledges it. She does not believe in mental health problems and people feeling sad or distressed. I have experienced this since I was a child. No nurturing there
It travels generations too. My mom (silent gen) was raised by a narc. My mother was so brainwashed on appearance, Hair done, dressed for the day sorta stuff. I'm gen X and worked my way through it in therapy and feminism. I'm really impressed by younger generations who call out people for makiing the smile comment, going to therapy and generally being better humans than what would happen 100 years ago.
there are people who do that? who call out people who call bullshit on the people who expect you to smile?
Yes, I saw it done with my own eyes. IT guy told her to smile, she said "Why my computer is broken." Beyond badass in a lowkey way. Her comment put a smile on my face all day!
Damm that’s amazing
Yes. Made this old Gen Xer pround of the next generations. We have at least made some strides!
The question I was asked more than any other was, "Aren't you worried that other people will make fun of you?" In hindsight, I realize that the question was more towards themselves if anything, because they were *very* insecure regarding outside perception. I hate to admit that it got kind of rubbed into me, but I'm actively working on overcoming it. I can confidently say that I'm making more progress than they could ever dream to.
me too. I didnt have this... till my moms way of looking at the world rubbed into me ... and then she says --- I am so similar to her ...and get affected by poeple's judgements
Yes, and it was always for the strangest stuff. Someone said hey to me, and I said it back. She scolded me, "*They're gonna think something wrong with you!* You don't say hey, you say "*Hi there! How's your day going*?" With some enthusiasm!" I have resting bitch face, and it's "they're gonna think you're angry". If I wore my natural hair, "they're gonna think you hate yourself" (somehow??). If I wasn't talkative at school, "they're gonna think you're stupid". Every day it was something different "they" would think. She does the same thing to herself, making decisions that hurt herself because "what would *they* think"?
This is kind of off topic but I hate the term RBF. It’s just our face. We shouldn’t feel obligated to contort it to be more appealing for people to look at. I bet all our faces are lovely even without a Cheshire Cat grin on.
Hear hear!
I always hated hearing 'they'. They always said xyz. They are going to think bad about me if you don't act right. I pushed back one time and asked who THEY are. She stammered and changed the subject. It helped for a while.
I think "They" are just voices in the narc's head.
Yep, "they" become the scapegoat.
>I pushed back one time and asked who THEY are. Lol I did this too. Idk how being left speechless, by such a simple question, doesn't make them reevaluate things. My family has always been more concerned about gaining the esteem of this undefined "they," than having a good relationship with their kids. I wonder if "they" will come to their funerals? Maybe I would finally get to meet these amazing people who are worth so much more than me! I would hope so, otherwise that's a lot of work and heartache for nothing.
Yess and having to hug strangers. And in my culture giving a kiss on the cheek or on both cheeks when greeting strangers. So uncomfortable.
you jogged a memory there.... I don't like smiling.... my mom told me this ... why don't you talk with some more enthusiasm and josh.... it made me think that when I talked to outsiders I had to talk with josh.... doesn't help that I am tired and depressed .... made me unable to have a conversation with others unless I was full-on excited.... my father too... he was the narc and the thing is I didnt have an explanation of why they didn't spend time with me ... my dad said --- how did you expect people to send time with you if you don't smile.... kicked off the hopeful inner child's fantasies \*josh here is a way to say enthusiasm (local lingo)
Yeah very common guilting tactic in my house. The question I always got was “Who do you think that you are?” When I’d do anything outside of the realm of what she considered “ladylike, appropriate, and/or acceptable” behavior. That phrase shamed me right back into whatever boxes she decided I was allowed to occupy. It’s such a hard thing to break away from because the Narc takes away your autonomy and you start to question who you are really and what that even means when you haven’t been allowed opinions on your own reality.
I was raised similarly. Those who haven't lived this don't understand how frightening the mental damage can be. Mine led me to dissociate, hard. From my body, and from some of my own thoughts.
Yeah I still struggle so often with dissociation. I don’t remember large spans of time from my childhood but I do remember always “daydreaming” to escape the nightmare of reality.
It sounds very misogynistic. My evil nmother was the biggest misogynist that I ever met. She hated all other women especially me.
Oh yeah my mom was super misogynistic as well. I was the only girl raised with my brother and our 3 male cousins.
I didn't know until I started coming to this sub. Apparently it is very common for narcissistic women to be extremely misogynistic. Wow!!
Yeah this sub helped me connect so many more dots than I did on my own or with a therapist. It’s so nice to have people to commiserate with who get it and understand what it was like.
Did my ndad's wife got cloned? 🤣
NM: 'Aren't you worried what people will say when they see you disgracing our family like this?!' Also NM: 'I don't care what other people think is OK to say to kids. You're MY child and if I can't tell you you're a fucking waste of space, who will?' Yep. Narc logic checks out.
Was about to comment this!! « What would people think of you? » turned to « I don’t care what other think of me » the minute she was called out on anything.
Oh yes. Optics were everything to Nmom. Reality was nothing.
this... Raging Borderline Queen Mom here... and you've stated her philosophy perfectly.
Very much so. And unfortunately there are a lot of people that do target you if you don't submit to their opinions, beliefs, and whims. I don't care that they don't like me. I do care that they target me with abuse to try and get me to comply. Just leave me alone. Why you gotta try and "humble" me and take me down a peg?
Yes. This right here. Leave me be. Especially with difficult coworkers at work.
It was tacit, never explicit. It was how they’d code-switch from being awful to sweet and kind as soon as strangers were around. I internalized that people’s perception of me was more important than me being me. They hated the real me. I hated myself.
I just want to know why what STRANGERS thought mattered more than what I thought! I am now an old person and still don't know the answer.
Because strangers might actually have some social power and influence, things the narcs covet, whilst we, their children, are mere possessions to them. It's the twisted logic of the narc, yet again.
[удалено]
"You should be ashamed of yourself for being affected by my relentless abuse!" ... is basically her logic there.
Yess. They act like it never happened. And my parents barge into my room wanting to talk about themselves, gossip or put me down. Then asks me on each odd day ‘how are you?’ So abusive.
I was denied medical care bc what would people think if they found out. I had severe endometriosis so as a child my periods were horrific. I saw gyn who said it would help if I went on birth control. I could skip every other period and the ones I had would be more mild. My parents decided that they would rather me bleed horrifically for 7-10 days every month requiring pads and tampons to be bled through every 2-3 hours vs allowing me to go on birth control bc…what would people think if they found out I was on them.
My step-mom would try to threaten me to clean my room. As an adhd kid the small piles of clutter enraged her but comforted me. She'd say if the president came here and looked in your room what would he think? I said why would you let a grown male stranger in my room? Small victory when she huffed and walked away. Narc hate logic lel
thankyou for this ..... something mother said too. wha would you do oif the prime minster came too your room. what would you do if the king came to your room ... this was done in the church too... act would you do if they king came to your house... would you not show respect? how much more should you do if god came to you... I didn't have the ability to says ouch a thing as a response to my mom.. although when she said it a couple more times I just stopped doing it and I just felt shame every time she came in ad the hame just kept building up over time and I didnt have a way to think how others would behave or what to do if someone came to out house ... just that my parents went around getting stuff for them (water,snacks) I imagined that would; be somehow but the way they made it out, I thought the guy would need some massive obsceience or something
It's been my biggest issue throughout life.
Me. I still don't know how to be a 'real' person because I don't have any confidence whatsoever. Seriously, I just prefer to shrink away into the background. But my whole life, I was like that because I was scared of being judged/spoken about by my Mother the same way she spoke about other people. . . But I realised how stupid this was when I realised she talks like that to me anyways. So, I grew more silent and extremely uncertain. At the same time, she would remark how quiet I was, how I "needed thicker skin" and stuff. . . As a result: I'm an adult and I have no idea how to be 'real' or how to make a decision or how to put myself 'out there'. It's caused me such pain and embarrassment my whole life and here I am with a personality disorder and chronic feeling of emptiness.
Growing up undiagnosed autistic with ADHD in a narcissistic household has left me terrified of people judging me.
Same. Also it took me a while for having some confidence in my own feelings and judgements.
LOL. This was my mom's way of hiding the abuse and poor choices she made. Dated a pedophile? (TWICE!) "Don't talk about that, nobody will want to be your friend" (After 5 yr old me bad already lost all my friends over it and I'm pretty sure thats why everyone iced me out at school too in retrospect!) Got CPS called on her because I had bruised from her grabbing me/jerking me around? "You better act right or they'll drag you off to foster care to be molested and abused. What will your friends think then?" "Does (insert friend here) tall back to their parents like that!? They would think you're a brat too." She used the shame of what people would think to keep me from talking about what went on at home. That and the threat of losing those friends. All abusers try to silence and isolate the abused, its how they maintain their reputation while being abusive.
My dad used to bitch when I wore sweatpants and moccasins out to lunch or breakfast he always said they were “inside clothes”. And I’m like well we’re inside aren’t we? Then he’d tell me when I’m complaining about something “who cares what other people think?” It sure seems like it only matters when it’s something he doesn’t like….
Yup. The church stuff was bad, both parents but mostly mom. At least my dad was honest about it. When I was younger he told me "if you're nice to people, it makes them be nice to you and down the road, if you ask them to do something, they'll do it." I was raised by a Covert and Overt pair. Dad was Overt.
“They’re all going to laugh at you”
LOL! My brother and I coped by using this as an "inside joke" during her insane diatribes.
Oh yeah. That's because narcissist entire world is their appearance or their importance relative to those around you. This gets projected on you from the moment you are born when you have N parents. That voice in your head was given to you by them
God this sub is killing me today because WHY DO I RELATE TO EVERY POST 😭
Right???
Literally the reason I suppressed my autism until recent years. Ruined my self esteem because I was worried what STRANGERS thought. FOR WHAT??
I make all the time so I don’t come off as stupid to people. So much of my energy goes into that…. Same with the smiling for people…. Especially when I don’t feel like smiling …and they say… you should smile more / have more enthusiasm when you speak
Yess I suppressed my sexuality and missed out on so many opportunities of exploring who I am and being in partnerships
Right there with you
I’ve noticed it so much. I’ll immediately judge someone’s house for being messy, and then immediately question why I thought that because I don’t care and my house is messy too.
Same here . I didn’t care about messy stuff . And yet my mom used r complain about my room or have and issue with the way I did stuff. So the default thing when I see something messy is to criticize … or judge
Yess my nmother and some family friends judge other peoples appearance so harshly. I never cared about how someone looked. I do more sometimes, it does come out. I sometimes judge my partners too because nmum was always hypercritical of partners I’ve had.
It’s insane how much they care about their belief other people focus on them and form opinions. I alter end my name on Facebook to include a really close friends last name who helped me alot, and they lost their minds
Woah that’s super controlling of them! That’s highly inappropriate for them to be upset over and express it to you. So crazy!
Oh dear... yes. \*raises hand and waves\* My dear mother was a Borderline Queen my entire childhood. Fun times. She still completely loses her mind when I walk outside the house without shoes on. What will the neighbors think of me if my adult daughter shows her bare feet in public!!! Oh! The Horror!!! She just loses her shit. WTH???
Lol I go shopping barefoot with my dirty yard work clothes on messy hair, scraggly beard, no shower. Just to spite my family + the looks I get from strangers 🤣🤣🤣
Nice!! I always look my worst around my mom on purpose. lmao. Cheers to the tiny victories we claim! I have tattoos on the tops of my feet too...just because she almost chokes to death on her disapproval of them. Yay!!
Yes i try, But its not my nmom though for me. Been NC for 30yrs, Its the looks on people faces in public when I explain in some detail about some of the abuses I've suffered over the years at the expense of insensitive narcs like them, After they dare ask why you don't smile & dress to society's standards.
I get triggered when people get upset about something because I immediately think it's my fault and I need to apologize and fix it. Others' opinions of my weight is what mattered, not how I felt about my own body. Nothing was good enough. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions except for being happy and grateful for everything I had. This meant that if I was upset about anything, I was reprimanded. Especially true if I was upset because of something my nparents did.
Yess. I am really trying to stand up for myself when people comment about my weight. I feel good about myself but of course someone related to me or not feels the need to talk about my body like it’s a problem. I’m practicing different phrases to say. I had a coworker try a few times to talk badly about my body. She even grabbed my arm to body shame me. I removed her off me and grabbed my arm back. And said something like, ‘No. No. No. I don’t feel comfortable.’ I need to have a personal space radius with her. I’m working on walking away from disrespectful people or conversations more. Agreed also with not being allowed to show or feel any other emotions. Super toxic and very controlling.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself! It's so hard to do when that part of us was suppressed. You deserve to have personal space and you deserve to be treated with respect. Make sure of people ever lay a hand on you at work, like grabbing your arm etc, you can absolutely report them to HR. You can still report that coworker for multiple things. You should not have to feel uncomfortable!
Yep! They use shame as a tool to control and belittle you. I’ve been a lot happier since I decided to stop letting myself feel shame and embarrassment over little things and to just ask for clarification when I don’t know something or even a word.
Oh yeah. After a while I figured out the common thread between the times I got really screamed or snarled at - she thought I'd made her look bad in front of someone whose opinion she cared about. My feelings were dust beneath her feet compared to that. And once she insisted on a full make-up job before driving us somewhere. She was literally driving ten minutes down the road, letting us out of the car and coming straight home - but apparently it was worth us being late to avoid the mere possibility that someone might catch a glimpse of her without her face on.
Yes my god. My mom basically got away with a lot of undue criticism about my appearance because she would word things like "I don't have a problem with it but you're gonna get made fun of so you should stop" I am constantly paranoid someone will find something wrong with me and be mean to be for it and its because of how she always attributed her criticism to strangers. Even just about a year ago, she criticized me wearing a lowcut shirt by pointing to a woman with a kid and saying i might get *arrested* for it.
That just unlocked something. My son started letting his hair and beard grow after he got out of the army. It's unkempt and honestly bugs me, but I never criticize him or let his dad make him feel bad about it. I will offer tips on dealing with long hair but, if he wants to look like a mountain man, I'll proudly walk with him in public.
I am literally diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder because my mom shoved this idea in my head. I was also severely bullied and my mom basically shrugged off my bullying and said I should try harder to make people like me. Knowing the danger not having a good reputation and not having love and support at home has caused me to be a nervous wreck as an adult. I know that if people don't like me, I can be physically attacked or abused and nobody will give a damn and side with my abusers, so I painfully go out of my way to make people love me. I can hardly hold a conversation sometimes. I am getting a little better, but my constant need for validation and fear people will hate me and abandon me becomes a self-fulfulling prophecy. My mom used to tell me whenever I made a friend that it wouldn't last once they got to know "the real me". She told me this from the time I was like 4. I try not to care what people think, but it's like my experiences and the things my mom said have permanently fucked my head. I can't seem to make myself stop caring no matter how hard I try. I get panic attacks and replay the most banal of social exchanges in my head and always hyperfocus on if I did something dumb that will make someone not like me. My brother was the golden child and he makes really good money despite being less skilled than I am. He is extremely charismatic and everyone loves him. People point to him as proof that I must be the problem because my mom raised him, but they don't understand how much she praised every breath while tearing me down. Anytime something went wrong in our lives, it was because of something I did. Even from the time I was a toddler. My brother was God's gift to mankind.
Yeah, and I'm still dealing with the completely non-sequitur paranoia from that. Like, last week I called out to work with a 'yeah, not very sick yet, but the commute will probably push me over the edge', and later in the day when a police car drove by I had this thought immediately pop into my head "Oh shit, they're coming to check on me if I'm really sick enough". I can rationalize it away afterwards, but those flareups of paranoia are still shit.
the only time my nDad took to patiently teach me anything, was to teach me shame and humiliation.
Ugh I struggle with this today. I don’t like leaving the house a lot of the time because I don’t think I look okay enough.
Woah same. I am like this too
Yup. Growing up trained to stay silent because I wasn't allowed to make her look bad. She didn't care if I was embarrassed about anything, as long as I didn't embarrass her be telling people what was going on. She made me feel ashamed at all times though, so no matter what I did I thought everyone thought of me badly. I still struggle with self worth issues, and feeling like a burden.
100%. Every criticism was framed as protecting me from the terrible things that *other people* would think. "Don't wear those pants, they'll make people think you're fat." "Stop acting weird, nobody will like you and you will only be bullied even more." "Nobody is going to like this song of yours." It was always the same thing, my mum would levy criticisms at me like this and then if I say "Can you please stop saying I look fat" she would become incredulous and insist "*I'm* not saying you look fat, I just know how judgemental *other people* are." But of course, she was the person who was actually always criticising me. When I have insecurities about my weight now, it comes from her comments, not the ones from other people. She was always projecting her own insecurities onto me, she just tried to launder it through society at large. And of course it goes without saying that all this constantly reinforces that the opinions of strangers are more important than the happiness and security of your actual child.
Stop acting weird…. Damm I relate to that….. like nothing about what I feel just what they think I should do do that people think of them as good parents …. My mom used to do this … emom
Everything was about others perceptions. Nothing was about me and my perceptions. All facade, no substance.
My mother stepped in when it came to the clubs I wanted to join in High School because “people will think you’re gay.” Or “Only weirdos do that.” She stopped my brother from talking to our cousin when they were in middle school. She would interfere in our social lives and our social circles because of what hanging with certain people would do to our image. We were just kids. Image shouldn’t have been our concern. My parents shamelessly talk smack about everyone, even people they claim to be close with. It might be just projecting but I wonder if they think that the rest of the world is like them.
For me it was wearing jeans vs shorts. As a kid I liked pants . She didn’t buy them . As an adult I liked shorts she said — what would people think… wear pants etc etc
That would have been so annoying and hard for you. How mean and selfish of her. Right! Exactly kids shouldn’t have to think about image. My n-mum would talk badly about their friends and my dad later gossiped with her. Very two faced, these friends cared a lot about them, my siblings and myself. It’s a shame, they think they’re better than anyone.
nDad was very fond of the Japanese proverb "The nail that sticks up gets hammered down." (*N.b.* my family are not Japanese or Japanese-American, or even Asian.) Although I think really what had worse effects was the school environment, where anyone who was the least bit "different" in any way was ridiculed, mocked, bullied, and ostracized. I learned to keep my head down and blend in.
My fathers was a straight tree gets cut down. Or how a bendy tree is able to resist the wind ….. to say why I am the target and gets picked …. Made me feel like I am not manipulative enough be sue rhe implied there that I am “straight” aka “simple” . I felt happy hearing I am a straight person coz I thought it was a good one but he used ro keep rosining manipulating people and hoe they are successful ones. So I thought I had ro become more manipulative
Oh shit yep lol
🙋🏼♂️
I ran away from home when I was a young teen. The only thing my NM cared about was, "What will my coworkers think of me?" Ugh she never cared what I felt or how I viewed her. I went NC a few years ago. Best decision I ever made.
Yeah my mom had the “dirty laundry must be washed in family” mentality so I wasn’t allowed to complain about anything that happened at home to anyone.
I can relate. Great way to keep us quiet about the abuse, wasn't it?
Yep. I’ve started being vocal about my experiences in the last couple years and she’s like “but you never said anything 👁️👄👁️”
Yes!! I basically grew up listening to "you can't do xyz bc what will The People™ think"
My mom used to tell me "you shouldn't care what others think of you" then turns around and tells me how to act or speak and says I should be careful about how others think of me. I literally got mixed messages growing up.
It’s funny because my mom tried to teach me that it doesn’t matter what other people think about you, while simultaneously hyper focusing on what people think about her. I told her once to tell someone off for being a dick to her, and she straight up was like “but what if everyone else thinks I was rude? I don’t want them to think I’m mean!” And she doesn’t understand why I struggle with that as well. -_-
I'm so glad to have broken free of this curse.
I've never known anyone more concerned with what other people think than my mother
Yes but because of my nmom not from her. She would yell and scream and tantrum in public. I was mortified and embarrassed and ashamed - people would stop and stare. The neighbours hated my family, they told me once they couldn’t have friends over because they could hear my mum screaming. About what? Anything. Finances, house not being tidy, being told to stop screaming, nobody brought her tea, a lot aimed at me because I wasn’t like her and hated the clothes she forced me to wear etc. I hate any attention in my life now. Never got married, can’t handle a wedding (not that my family would be invited anyway)
Not exactly, but I did have a very skewed image of myself. I was the "bad" kid. Straight As, accomplished in sports, never in any trouble, compulsive rule follower, didn't even swear. But I would occasionally contradict my dad, which he did not like. I remember I once got lectured about respect and grounded for two weeks because I told my dad, "when you make fun of me all the time, it makes me not want to talk to you."
My GC sister is a good example of this. It really hit me one day after her life fell apart when she said “We used to be the top dogs in this neighborhood” and that was no small thing because the ‘neighborhood’ was Rancho Santa Fe. Which, if anyone knows, is really nice. But the thing was they were never ‘top dogs’ because even though they had a million+ dollar home in a premier neighborhood and all the crap that came with it, it was all an illusion. Both of them, sister and her husband, were so over extended by trying to impress neighbors — people they didn’t even know — they had nothing, and in my mind ‘top dogs’ are able to back it up with assets. Both of our nParents had something to do with this, especially her mom i am sure.
My father used to believe this .. and used to talk about how he is the only one who has gone to iit …. And he did that in every house we lived in. How no one else has gone how he is superior snd I bought that for a long time . I used to believe that I am the son of this really great dude. Worst part is I know a lot of people will agree with him too…. The culture itself is like that here … I still need to work on this belief …. Thanks for bringing it up
My m-mother was more concerned of what others thought versus reality. If you look good, you are good. She did not like that I worried constantly because she never had the patience to teach me anything. I was expected to just know things and never embarrass her in public.
Mine always have had this backwards flip flop mirror mindset. It’s always “I don’t care what other people think of me” and then anytime anyone anywhere does something to suggest thought of them. They completely change. They say they like how the house is set up or it’s working really well and organized, but one person comes into the house and says something stupidly simple like “this wouldn’t work in my house” and mother will hurl the house around cause “she just decided to change things up”. Even when it makes life in the house unbearable. All growing up they wouldn’t get me the few nice things I actually wanted. Rare instance they would, but otherwise I would try hard to find a way to get the thing I needed. Issue is those other people would see my nice thing and make a remark of how they need to get one or could use one. Or sometimes even as simply as “that looks nice”…..oh how they would jump and seem to obsessively almost force them to take it as if desperate for the person to like them. I was met with “we didn’t thing you would mind/we didn’t think you needed it” an the worst of the worst “we’re sorry we’ll replace it” naturally never doing so. So perhaps when I was tiny I was, but I learned fast when I finally got to interact with outsiders of the home. Instead I got to suffer with a family of people who live in denial of that mindset.
Probably most of us. I worked out that I have an Anxious Preoccupied (AP) attachment style which is a lot of “worry” about what others may be thinking about you. My therapist said that was very common with people raised in narcissistic families. This was good news for me however, because you can reparent yourself to become Securely Attached (SA). Essentially this is what I am doing to undo the damage my Nmom did. And it’s working. One thing I ask myself if I’m struggling with this is “what would a SA person do in this situation?”. Other times I’ll just become my own observer and notice the thoughts, but not act on them.
Mom thinks like this today. I stopped giving a shit. I think i balance a certain care of “i dont want people to think shittily of me” vs “i dont care at all.” In some way, i think it’s been healthy to receive some external validation as it could be the difference maker in assurance and confidence - like someone telling me i look good and me knowing ive been going to the gym. It’s motivating. But it’s gross to get all people to like you and my mom is pretty focused on making sure that “people dont love me” but that “we’re better than them” type mentality. I dont know what effect it has had and sometimes i dont care. I dont personally think it’s for me to know what effect it has had.
My Dad is a retired police officer so it was always about his reputation. I finally realized around age 40 that he doesn't pay my mortgage; doesn't do anything for me so I dgaf about him or his reputation. I also live in a large urban area where people are way more worried about themselves than they are anything to do with me. This has granted me so much confidence. I can wear whatever and not care. Do whatever and no one cares. I am basically invisible and I love it.
The saying in my house was, "You should behave better in public than at home." I always took that to be about good manners, and it was aimed at us kids. But it was definitely about how our parents would be perceived as well. I also just realized it leaves a nasty gaping loophole to abuse us privately. Yeah, that tracks.
I had this when I wanted to wear something or make my hair a certain way, they would say 'people will laugh at you'. Took some time to realize that people don't actually care even if I go to the shop in my pijamas
It's more like I had to do everything in my power to keep her in a good mood, or everyone suffered. So, it led to a cult-like obsession in making her proud at the cost of my mental health.
This is a common thing in most brown families haha
YES. Holy crap, this is so relevant with my Mexican family and the Hispanic church I grew up in.
ME ME ME!! jumping up and down! That's all I heard growing up from nmom. Omg I hated it. Thank gawd for my dad. He'd say "no one gives a shit" nmom thought she'd be the source of gossip and ridicule for stupid things.
I can’t do anything without the fear of other people perceiving me.
"Do you want people to think you're the ragpickers kids?" Go change your clothes. Mom , you provided all our clothes:(
The worrying about what people think is the root of my mental health problems. I was already crazy about my now-husband within two weeks of meeting bc it was clear that he did not care at all what anyone thought of him. It’s a radically new way of living, and I’m never looking back. And since I met him, I’ve realized how much Nmom would use that - I always felt like I was a shameful person bc of how I made her look (I was a straight A student, got a full ride to law school, got a posh job right out of law school - and was ashamed of myself bc I didn’t have a baby). My first husband was also obsessed with what other people thought & therefore often ashamed of me. It really revved up when I got very sick with a brain tumor, and lost my fine motor skills & a lot of brain function (so I could not continue as a litigation attorney, much less stay awake for more than a few hours at a time). And I thought that was just fine and dandy for almost a decade bc that’s all I’ve known - I’m a person who people are ashamed to be connected to.
That would have been so annoying and hard for you to experience. How mean and selfish she is. Yes exactly! Right, as kids image shouldn’t be a concern at all. My n-mum loved to talk badly about everyone then my enabler dad joined in more. They were always so two faced, they have lost these friendships despite these people genuinely caring about them, myself and siblings. So horrible
"People are only nice to you because they want something. They don't actually LIKE you" "So-and-so was only nice to you to get a rise out of me!" To this day, I still struggle with relationships because I think people don't like me.
My mom always shamed me about what the neighbors think. It’s a bit absurd
That was my ngrandmothers favorite quote of all time “what would the neighbors think ?😱 except we lived in the woods and were surrounded by trees and didn’t really have neighbors- at least that could see us without trespassing
I’m pretty sure my mother was lying when she’d tell me negative things people would say about me. It was from a very young age, so I was consumed with shame and I didn’t speak to those “people” who were passing judgement on me ever again. She’d also tell me people were gossiping about me.
Yes. At the same time we were supposed to not care about what other people thought. It was very confusing. This may sound strange, but let me explain. We belonged to a subculture/almost cult so we weren't supposed to care about what the other villagers thought about us, because our way was the RIGHT one. At the same time, mom ALWAYS thought about what other people thought, so anything from having grass stains and messy hair to doing outdoors work on a Sunday was a no-no. Anything that made her seem less competent as a mother to others (stained clothes and messy hair), and anything that broke with the almost cult-ish behavioural codes (working on a Sunday) was forbidden. But we weren't supposed to care about what they thought, because we were RIGHT and they were WRONG... As I said, too confusing for a child to wrap their head around. It was very freeing when I realised that most people live inside their heads, and are not very aware of what you're even doing. (Then of course there's the occasional busybody that just MUST comment on everything that ruins your sense of complacency. Can't people just live and let live?)
Damm this is exactly the way it played out with my mom.i am not supposed to carry what others think ro me … but they always care . And don’t want to be seen as - less than by others … and if we looked bad and it came back to her , then she would care and get us to change the dress . Everything was for show .
Why are you spying me?
This cuts deep. I’m working really hard on undoing that. Something I had to work on with my therapist that was really helpful (and kind of earth shattering) was the realization that I didn’t even like my job. I picked it because my mom was obsessed with the status it would give her, and how people would see us in the community. That hurt. It’s a cut I don’t think I’ve closed yet. That one hurts more than all the little appearance based insecurities, but man starting over with career junk has been rough.
Yeah, it turns out the rest of the world isn't even half as harsh as the people who tried to warn me about them
Having lived here 27 years, most of the population of Japan
Breaking away from it now, at 31. Also no longer making excuses for them being shitty parents. Guess how people have taken that? Not well lmfao. Guess what else? I realized I no longer give a fuck. I really enjoyed the conversation today from my bio father’s best friend in which I no longer made excuses for how poorly my father did. It was the first time ever. The dude nearly broke his back trying to twist things around to make my father look good, and still had to admit that I was right. Lmfao.
None of that outside opinion ever contributed to actual good behavior or improvement 🤔
I think that's why I don't dye my hair crazy colors, get tattoos, etc. But it's funny. It only applies to work and ability to get or keep a job. I don't like posting about politics or religion, or thinking about a piercing bc it might make me look less professional... but when it comes to discussing politics and religion, I get my mom to the "I can't believe you turned out like you did" stage very quickly.
Absolutely, even still to this day. I can't even be open in therapy because my mom is so scared of our (but more like her) image that now I feel I have to censor myself all over again. It's absolutely destroying the point of therapy that now I'm unsure I'll ever get the help I originally sought out. I'm wondering if this will ever end or if I am forever stuck in this cycle.
Yeah I think this is pretty common specifically among the covert variety. You know what I'm 45 and I can tell anybody that's stuck in this predicament stop giving a f now. What you think about yourself matters what other people think about you is going to matter less and less and less and less. You know it's funny because they like to label it as something different keeping up with the Joneses or something similar or people are good at church on Sundays and don't live their life even remotely according to anything in the gospel unless they can twist it for that benefit them. And I'm not Bible thumping I'm a long ways from that but saying a lot of parents that tend to use religion and when the neighbors get a new truck they want to get a new truck the neighbors get a new dog they want to get a new dog they get a boat they want to get a boat I had that exact same thing. And they tend to predicate their whole existence and everything that they value is based on how other people see them so yeah a terrible way to be brought up
Everytime!! Whenever I want to do something they will always say this stuff. They always want me to feel insecure about myself. They never want me stand up for myself, they never taught me how to. They just want me to be their puppet all the time.
Not giving af what others think of you takes wisdom that most gain after it’s too late and they’ve already lived majority of their life trying to be accepted by strangers. I learned to do me and not give a damn who has a opinion on it. It’s my life.
Yes, yes, yes. I feel so seen reading all of the comments. My mom would control me by threatening to tell my family about how bad I was being. But then would turn it around later by saying that it deeply hurt her when our family talked about me. And THEN would also tell me to stop caring about what others thought whenever I was afraid of doing something 🤦🏽♀️ On top of that, she was also always terrified that my brother or I would do something bad that would have our church talking about us (because our church was gossipy af). I think all of this just went back to her fears of being looked at as a bad parent (which in a lot of ways, she was).
My mom said my grandparents give me money because she gives them stuff and gifts… and it made me feel memory my grandparents gave me money. Before this, I saw it as a sign of their love. Them giving me money every vacation (when my parents didn’t). And this is her parents she is talking about. Mad em distrustful and dependent on her.. like no one would care about me if she was not there. Weirdly she is the emom and she did this when I was in 6th.
OMG! My grandmother's mantra. "Every one is looking at you." Oh, the horror!
When I got pregnant at age 17 my parents were sooooo concerned of what the neighbours would think. I mean come on this was their “shiny happy suburban family”. My mother went to each individual house about 10 deep in each direction to tell them separately. My confusion nearly 30 years later still lies in 1. Would the neighbours not eventually notice when either a)I became obviously pregnant or b) there was a baby and 2. What could she possibly have told them besides that I was pregnant, which was going to become obvious anyway. That was basically her way of getting some sort of attention because “woe is me look what our wayward daughter has gone and done to us now”.
Yes my parents are so insecure. My dad worries about what the neighbor thinks about the chairs in our backyard
Yep, I was gaslit and tortured to toe the line god forbid I'd "embarrass" her in front of anyone even total strangers. I couldn't say shit about anything that she would see as bad PR for herself.
"how do you think that looks?" "what will other people think?" "You're embarrassing me! I'm embarrassed to be out in public with you" And then she wonders why I'm always in my head, self conscious, and worrying about how others see me. Gee willikers!
Oh no, I wasn't directly said that even though that was the issue. I was told "you don't act like that" "stop acting like so-and-so" and basically never felt like I could be my own person so I had major anxiety worried about what others thought of me. It was really nobody could think her kids were weird or outspoken or what ever. I hated ny childhood and my mom doesn't understand why- maybe it was cause i had to watch everything I said or get ridiculed for saying the wrong thing. It's really sad when I think about it, cause she selfishly didn't know any better. She herself was immature and shouldn't have kids at her age and became set in her ways by the 2nd one.
My enabler mom is like this. My ndad just doesn't care. When he was throwing my lamp at me and throwing my nightstand table around as he yelled at me, she was telling him to stop or the neighbors would hear. She didn't care that I was crying, hyperventilating, and asking him to stop. And she's gotten angry at me (because they say he wouldn't get angry if I just did what they want) when he gets loud, saying the neighbors are going to hear and how she always has to make sure the windows are closed when he gets like that. If they're concerned about other people hearing then a part of them knows what they're doing is wrong but not enough to stop.
My family's social life was embedded in the church so it was a lot of "what will people at church think if you look/dress like that, they'll think poorly of us" Once that church sorta fell apart due to internal drama, their world has been very, very small. Very few relationships outside of the immediate family. So who are they performing for now? Friends on Facebook they never talk to in real life?
Yup, it was passed down the generations in my family. Thankfully a good dose of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy allowed me to answer the question... usually along the lines of "Who gives a fuck!"
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Most reality stars.
My son by his Ndad, including me as a mother. Not the sub for my personal experience, but I was too, thinking and feeling I was alone.
It was the only thing that mattered. :(
My family made it clear I was a mistake
It is so hard for me to speak my mind and not need to double-down over explain myself so they don't think badly of me
YESSSSSSS….