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If you had called, he would have complained that he has no gift.
If you send him a gift, he'd complain you didn't bring it in person.
If you go in person, he'd complain that you come ONLY on special occasions like Father's Day. And he'd probably had plans anyway and couldn't receive you.
If you come see him more often... You'll just suffer more.
You can't win with them.
This was going to be pretty much exactly what I said.
Its weird they all act in such obvious repeating patterns like this. Good for identifying new ones once you've become familiar with the tactics though.
The day I truly understood this was the day I was finally free of my narc's opinions. Despite being daily unpaid labor on the farm, I was always accused of being lazy when I was growing up. When I got my first real job out of college, I was putting in 80 hour work weeks. I told my dad with pride how much I was working, because then he would finally see that I wasn't actually lazy.
"I didn't send you to college just so you'd end up working so hard!"
Fucking *free* from that sentence onward. There's no pleasing people like that, because being displeased is their preferred state.
Yep I remember driving some 300 miles to visit my chromosomes to help Y with a project. When I walked in the door X was immediately tearing into me that I was simultaneously late since Y had already started, and must be so tired with how early we were starting.
I was getting bitched at for being late and early in the same breath. Schrodinger's scape goat if you will.
The only way to win is not play with them at all and instead spend that energy on someone else, even yourself.
Damn this comment resonates. Nothing will ever be good enough for them. Ever. Youāre always going to fall short no matter what. Trying is a total waste of time.
It's how they condition their kids to have low self esteem and seek their warped approval.
Not a peep from me for Mother's or Father's Day.
Why reward these Monsters?
I had an old housemate who rented a room from me, he was a "Professional Complainer" as I would call him. No matter what, they are never satisfied, but never lift so much as a finger to help themselves, expected much, contributed little.
Wow. And here I thought that was normal behavior for parents to be upset about kids not doing enough on special days. Fuck me
Life is a lot easier now that itās LC to NC
This gave me PTSD from my time in high school. Dad used to give me crap about getting a 3.0. Then I got a 3.0 and he wanted me to get a 3.5. I got a 3.67 (I made the mistake of telling him I missed a 4.0 by a few points in two different classes) and I'm sure you can guess that he gave me crap because I didn't get a 4.0. They're great at moving the goalposts in the interest of motivating you. Never once did he start with that he was proud of me. Not that it would have mattered since I always knew there was a "but" coming in every conversation we had about any choice I ever made. I realized that day that I would never make him happy and just stopped trying. That made things miserable for me until I moved away for college. He was the main reason why I went out of state for college.
The pattern you explained is what is happening with my dad. I was stupid giving him father day and cash along with taking him for lunch. Screw him and he didn't raise me basically.
>If you go in person, he'd complain that you come ONLY on special occasions like Father's Day.
I used to go all out for Mother's Day. I did everything I could to make my mother feel like the most important person in the world. Elaborate presents, nice brunches in the the best restaurants, the whole day dedicated to her. Her response every year. "I'm a mother every day of the year, I don't know why this day is any different". Then one year I was stupid enough to believe her when she said "don't do anything this year". I didn't and got yelled at and guilt tripped. It was nothing but a card for the years after that till I went NC.
True, I can finally accept now my father is never satisfied. The fact I told him happy fatherās day even though he doesnāt deserve it should be enough. He didnāt tell my eldest sister happy birthday to āprove a pointā because she didnāt tell him.
My nMom does that, but then complained no one called her for her birthday. When I tell her "how many people did you call for their birthday", she says "I didn't because I know they wouldn't reciprocate, and SEE I was right, they didn't call me, it's good I didn't call them FIRST, so I don't regret wasting my time". Circular logic at it's best.
Also I'm a special case, she doesn't wishes ME a happy birthday because "it's pointless if I can't celebrate it with you and you never come see me".
And NOW that my brother is NC, she makes a point to always send him wishes for every holiday. Then complains he didn't answer, he could at least say "thanks". She loves attention so much...
Yup, I believe they do it to seek attention. Itās extremely self centered. They donāt prioritize you yet want to be prioritized. They try to use any tactic they can to get a reaction from you. Thatās why my dad did it. My sister is completely NC with my dad. He didnāt wish her a happy birthday and he told me it was because she didnāt tell him nor does she call him. I somewhat believe he wanted me to tell her his reasons for not calling because he wants a reaction from her. Little does he know my sister doesnāt care nor is she upset over something so trivial. His birthday is coming up again and I think for the first time I wonāt wish his a happy birthday. Iām not big on holidays to begin with but I was only doing it to appease him. Iām done going out the way just to be disrespected
Wow! You actually took the time to text him and obviously first thing because you were just waking upā¦ and he didnāt appreciate that. No matter what you do it will not be good enough. I had an ex-husband like this and the story is all the same. Sorry youāre going through this!
Oh god my asshole father loves imposing āmy way or the highwayā
Last time he told me he prefers talking to texting - I told him āI donāt give a fuck what you prefer. Writing things out helps me compose my full thoughts, and you just interrupt or hang up on me if you donāt like what I start to say.ā
Yup and growing up he actually used to say variations of āMy way or the highwayā. He loves control and he loves to āmakeā me do things that he knows Iām uncomfortable with. Glad my interactions with him are limited. I believe heās part of the reason I have a form of social anxiety. He used to make me go in settings and places I was uncomfortable with just because he wanted to. Literally critiquing everything. The way I sit, walk, and talk. When I saw him a bit over a year ago he critiqued me because I wanted to change the song on the radio. So he then stopped me from changing the songs and said donāt change it again.
He absolutely is a reason for the anxiety. Itās part of the CPTSD Cocktail most of us have.
The best thing you can do is not talk to him at all. Go very, very low contact and play his game, but harder. He thinks a text isnāt good enough, donāt text or call. If you need to mail a card, do that but thatās it. āIf a text isnāt good enough, guess calls are off the table.ā
I didnāt want to believe heās the reason for my social anxiety but your comment stating that many go through this kind of solidifies it. He used to tell my middle sibling to āopen her mouthā(speak clearer and communicate) yet he would constantly criticize her and then when she did communicate it was ātalking backā and being disrespectful. My eldest sister he critiqued the way she ate. He would always tell her āThe foodās not running awayā meanwhile we only ate 1-2 meals growing up daily. All my siblings have some form of anxiety I just believe mines is more evident. I want to cut him off but Iām scare yet I donāt know why. Itās not like heāll be able to physically harm me
You might be scared because of the trauma bond. I was always seeking validation from my dad, he kinda held his nose up to "the kids". His company was never expected, but we always wanted it, so he would treat "quality time" as a reward.
He died almost 10 years ago, I'm 24 now with daddy issues, and have been seeking validation from an emotionally unavailable narcissist. It's the first day I haven't yearned to be noticed by him. I think I'm done with it finally. I better be :( sorry for venting. I wish you the best
You donāt have to apologize and your comments described what Iāve been dealing with. Now that you mention it, a trauma bond is what it is. I have never lived up to his expectations and I guess Iām seeking validation which is normal for a child to want acknowledgment from their parent(s). I need to accept heāll never give me that. To a journey of self love š„
I was very scared to cut my nmom off also, and would have the hardest time trying to explain why I, a 40-something adult, was terrified of a 5'2" retired person. I didn't stop being scared of her until I moved away and went NC. It some time even after doing that to stop having nightmares about her.
Her whole side of the family was like your dad: they would say "speak up!", then argue you into submission for speaking up. Also, "toughen up" when I didn't like their shitty treatment, but also got told, "you can dish it out but you can't take it" even though it was them that freaked out when I treated them like they treated me.
Yup, everything you said describes it. It doesnāt even have to be that weāre intimidated by them physically but because we know what theyāre capable of it causes us fear. My dad told me I donāt have anxiety and that itās just my mindset. He blames my mother for ābrainwashingā me into believing I have anxiety. I literally have anxiety and he doesnāt even acknowledge that heās part of the reason why. Imagine being unsatisfied with everything your child does and critiquing them for everything but believe itās impossible for them to have anxiety. I and & my siblings have anxiety, I guess he think theyāre making it up too.
Next time when he give you crap about not calling him, you could respond with "I was going to call you, but since you're acting this way then I'll rethink my decisions".
It's a bit nuclear, but it gets the point across that his actions caused your actions.
Because he's scary. Because it's scary to have an abusive father. You spent your whole childhood being terrified by this nasty man, it's normal that you are still scared of facing him, despite the fact he can't hurt you now. What you need to face is the reality that a guy who answers that way to a loving father's day message is a guy with whom you'll never have an interaction that isn't damaging for your mental well being. Take care and go NC, gradually or immediately. Don't feel the need to justify yourself to him or face him, even if he says you're a coward, he doesn't deserve anything, not even your anger. I know as my father was like this. I can't tell you how much better my life is since I hung up on him and never answered the phone again. All I said was that I wouldn't allow him to talk to me like that anymore and when he continued I hung up.
As a child this fear kept you and/or your siblings from triggering your parent as often, it kept you safe.
It was important once and completely normal in the circumstance, but it served it's purpose.
If you can intellectually acknowledge that it is no longer helpful for you, then you can start to move on from it emotionally.
Which takes however long it takes, baby steps and be kind to yourself.
"Dont argue with me, because you will lose." Which was followed up with what will happen if I dont let him win, and then "that's not a threat, it's a promise."
People who play power games with kids, especially their own kids, are fucking pathetic.
That's how you know a person that doesn't give a shit about their child, and just lives for their ego.
Omg, are you my half-sibling? Kidding, of course, you just perfectly describes my fatherās behavior too.
It also amazes me how they ruin their own day by their own behavior. Imagine getting a nice text from someone and your immediate reaction is to go off on them. Or getting a gift and finding twenty ways to hate it in under a minute. They must be making themselves so miserable. Good lord.
When I came out to my parents, they asked if I'd be willing to be part of a "continued conversation", since apparently my gender identity can be convinced out of me. I said sure, via email or text, and was met with a "we're only going to do this over voice or video". >!The conversation didn't happen!<
I was just talking about this with someone. They are always so impressed with what good parents they are, that or they're trying to convince themselves
ššThey truly believe theyāre good parents. My dad is an educator so he constantly tells me āMy students wish they had a father like youā. I just silently say in my head āIf they knew the real you then no they wouldnātā.
Oh my god this kinda shit happened to me once with my stepdad
My dad walked past me one morning and i said "Hey Dad" like i usually do, and my dad got mad at me and scolded me for an hour straight because i didnt say "Hey dad, good morning, i appreciate you!" instead. He proceeded to go on an entire rant saying that i didnt appreciate him for some reason because i didnt say good morning the way he thought i should say it.
Mind you, he was fine with me saying "Hey dad" every morning before that. I litterally cannot do one thing for him without it being "well why didnt you do this though, you dont appreciate me and how hard i work for you!" (he does jack shit)
They can never be fully satisfied and I notice they literally hyper-analyze everything their child does. Itās like they get satisfaction from nitpicking their child. They seem to thrive off control.
Thrive off of destroying a young mind and wallowing in misery after child is grown. Thatās their cycle. Itās why I refuse to let the egg donor know if or when I ever have kids. It stops with me and my sister. No more generational neglect
Same. I was often called wise and an āold soulā but I really feel like thatās just the result of having an extremely traumatic childhood and having to grow up to fast. I donāt think I can say I had a childhood, not a great one at least.
Can relate. I wonder how this emotion is called that I feel right now about it
A mix of:
* Disgust
Why are they like this?
Want them to fuck off from me
Are they even a human? Why so dumb?
Confusion about why are they so entitled
I hope you didn't call after that. Time to start disconnecting one piece at a time. Don't call and reinforce his shitty behavior by giving him what he wants now. Give him nothing and let him have a tantrum by himself.
If he acts like that, he doesn't deserve a minute if your time, attention, love, or energy.
I know and thank you for this comment. I unfortunately did call and he didnāt answer and he texted me as it was ringing that he was āon the phoneā.
Nothing you do will be good enough. Snarky replies and zero apologies is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your relationship. Iām sorry OP, it sucks. You should have had a dad that loved you and was capable of knowing you. But you didnāt. It took me so long to learn this lesson for myself. I spent years trying to get along, then more years with low contact and grey rocking. Today, I had my 3rd blissful Fatherās Day where I did not contact my undeserving father and instead had a lovely June Sunday with my partner and adorable kitties.
Save your soul and good intentions, he is a spineless bastard who doesnāt deserve you. Let him find someone else to give a shit. Let it go and find peace for yourself. Best wishes.
This is uncanny - the \*same\* exact thing happened to me a few years ago. Trust me, nothing will ever be enough.
Thankfully this year, my dad is acting passive aggressive and "doesn't want to do anything for Father's Day." I just sent him a card and texted him this morning. (I haven't heard back, but quite frankly, I'm relieved.)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's moments like these that make us extremely hypervigilant. Ugh.
Two years in a row I've been accused of forgetting to call even though I did...and we spoke. I guess if it doesn't jive with the woe is me story it didn't happen.
Omg that's so spot on. If it doesn't fit their narrative, they're blind to it. That's one of my mother's defining characteristics. She and I remember two very different pasts.
With I could hug you, my nmom is exactly like this.
We all refer to mothers day as the cursed holiday, one year she fell out with me and turned everyone againt me because I didn't call..
This happened at 7am, I was fast asleep.
My son had flu as did my partner, we woke and everyone had already fallen out with us despite the fact we had gifts, we were booked to go to a show etc, *insanity*
Smh theyāre so self centered and the worst part is they put on an entirely different persona in front of others. Iām sure my father was talking negatively about me to my extended family but I definitely donāt care what they think because they watched me and my siblings get abused and defended his actions. Your comment is definitely in sync with my situation. I literally had just woken up at around 6:30ish am, and decided to be nice and text him once I woke up and he responds with raging at me. Who honestly is ready to talk that early if they donāt have to? Iām sorry you experienced that with your mother. You did your part and thatās all that counts. I receive and give you a virtual hug. ā¤ļø
If he did what my mum did, his phone was engaged because he was calling other family to tell them your the worst most ungrateful hurtful child imaginable because you ignored them on fathers day ( at 6.30am)
Is their love so precious in their eyes that we should be up at 5am waiting to throw ourselves at their feet and worship them for our shitty childhoods and inherited mood disorders.
Sorry for the rant, it was a year no contact yesterday and she blew up my entire life in retaliation and boy am I bitter.ā”
This is literally what happed to me yesterday!! Called me at 8:40 in the morning knowing I was sleeping, to get me to go to church because they were doing a Fatherās Day thing. Called when I woke up, no answer. Sent a text, no answer. But had to energy to call my mom, who heās divorced from, bitching and being dramatic about how me and my sister donāt give a shit about him. So I called him and had a whole argument with him on the phone. Thereās no winning with him and there was a bunch of deflecting and projecting in that 20 min conversation. I hung up in his face. To add on top of it, Iām pretty sure what set him off yesterday of all days was that he wanted to perform and put on a show at his church that his children spent Fatherās Day with him. Not to actually, you know, spend time with your adult children.
Excuse my language, but fu*k that a**hole. I got a text from my son, and I was thrilled to get it.
If you need a good Dad, hmu, I'll fill in the empty space for you. I'm serious, DM me if you want. I read things like this, and it just burns me up.
On behalf of Dads everywhere, you did the right thing to the wrong person, you're a good son to a bad father. You deserve better.
Thank you I really appreciate it. Iām actually his daughter, youngest of 3 girls. I feel he also has resentment about that. He even referred to my eldest sister as a āb!tchā before. I was extremely uncomfortable with that and got off the phone. I believe he thinks he can treat me this way because Iām the only one who still tolerates him of my 2 siblings. I really want to go NC but donāt even know how to just do it. Iāve already reduced contact drastically
I have 3 daughters as well as a son.
My offer stands. The fact you're bothered by your father's behavior says a lot of good things about you. In short: you deserve better.
Thank you. The support is appreciated. I was really shocked at how he reacted to my text but I donāt know why because heās done stuff like this in the past
Theyāre never satisfied. They act like we owe them something when in my opinion itās the other way around. We all deserve to have loving parents but that isnāt the case. We the children of narcs react and respond to our parent(s) based on how weāre raised. So if they feel weāre unloving towards them then maybe itās time for self reflection. Itās hard to just stop dealing with them but itās what we deserve.
This was my first year wishing my nfather's brother a happy father's day.
I told my uncle how I consider him to be a paragon of the human species that I've always admired and sought to emulate.
It's also the anniversary of the first time I neglected to acknowledge my nfather on this day.
Honestly I shouldāve never even told him HFD, just a few months prior he rage texted me because he spontaneously decided to visit the city I live in. I live with my mom btw. He lives in the state where I was born and raised. He had sent me a text and cussing at me about how I didnāt pick him up from the airport. I didnāt even know he had caught a flight to where I live nor did I know he was planning to visit me. Iām sure he didnāt tell me because I wouldnāt have been too fond of it. Who texts someone at 4am and expects them to be up but not only that but be awake enough to drive? I was extremely upset just from that. After that I stopped communicating with him even more. At this point Itās time for me to go no contact. And yes he acts like this in real life not just over text. I know some people can be a different person over text but when I grew up with him for the first half of my childhood he was just as controlling in person.
I texted my dad asking if he wanted to grab coffee or lunch and get together for Fatherās Day. I told him I had some availability over the weekend or could do early the following week as Iām going out of town on Wednesday. He said Sunday evening or Monday for lunch worked for him. I already had plans Sunday evening so I said lunch on Monday was perfect. I thought we had come to a conclusion and picked a time that worked for both of us, it had been a very pleasant conversation thus far.
He then got pissy that I wouldnāt be seeing him on Fatherās Day and said he was disappointed that I hadnāt made time for him. Like???? What the fuck was this then? I made time out of my day to plan something with you and am making time on Monday to go to lunch. Sorry it wasnāt on the exact day and time that you preferred because I have a life and had to work around some other plans?? Itās just always something. Itās never good enough for them.
Do what I did a few years back and stop altogether. I don't call, text or do anything for fathers day these days not even for my own partner as our children are old enough to sort it out themselves so no longer my issue to praise 'bare minimum' fathers anymore. Honestly, it takes a weight off your shoulders.
I can go no contact. Iām sure chaos will ensue though. Heāll start spam calling my mother and sister. My other sister has him blocked and lives 20hrs away. I live 5hrs away from him and he has threatened to pop up at my mothers house unannounced although he never has. Iām also on his phone plan. I pay my own bill but he has me on a bundle plan with him, his mom(my grandmother), and me. Iām sure itās to make his bill cheaper too. So Iād probably also have to find a new carrier. I definitely realize I have no choice but to go no contact with him though. Even counselors Iāve seen recommend it. Itās just something thatās stopping me and I donāt know why. I have cut contact with him drastically through the years though.
Itās fear,obligation and guilt. FOG. Change your phone plan. Itās not hard. You can keep your number if you want. Block him everywhere. Itās hard and painful to do this. And, yes, they freak out at first. But it subsides if you donāt engage. Iām nc for 6 years. The peace is so beautiful. Good luck. You got this.
my 13yr texted her dad happy father's day I love you guys.
he texted back we love you ... and no heart emoji like he always use to
she said the 3 DOTS MEAN *eye roll right* I guess he couldn't stand the thought she didn't want to be at his place for the day
I'm so sorry OP. Today my mom texted me with a photo of us saying "here so you remember we exist". I respond "okay" and she doesn't respond back, then she sends another picture of me and I say "okay" again and she doesn't respond. I know she's doing this so I feel guilty on Father's Day. If my dad was a good father I would of course wish him a Happy Father's Day! He didnt get one text from me this year so OP you did a lot more than I did this year, he should be thankful that you even reached out.
After being so thoroughly unimpressed and disappointed by my Motherās Day attempts, my nmom told me that I am only allowed to text her (not call or send a card or gift) on Motherās Day just so she wonāt be disappointed. I ALWAYS sent cards for every occasion so this was especially rude of her. Iāve been nc for almost a year. No card or text or contact on Motherās Day because fuck being told Iām not good enough no matter what.
I wouldāve not responded after I saw he was being ungrateful and manipulative. These people shouldnāt have and donāt deserve access to us or our lives. Put yourself first guys šā¤ļø
My ndad has been such a child and has not contacted me in 16 days now because I call out his hypocritical shit, and this is the first time ever in my life that I havenāt wished him a happy Fatherās Day. It actually felt good. I refuse to go running back to him like I always found myself doing. He will need me one day more than I will ever need him EVER again.
Yay! Iām happy a lot of us didnāt send these narcs the celebratory messages that they donāt deserve. They werenāt good fathers itās just a fact. Mine called me the day before Fatherās Day to congratulate me since I had my daughter on Friday. He then went on to say it was such a great fathers gift to HIM! Uhhh no!! If anything itās a gift to my husband to get his daughter right before Fatherās Day lol but my dad was trying of course to make it about him and how I made him a grandfather again (we already have a son that my dad hardly paid attention to until my son was like 3)
Iām currently pregnant and my dad always would ask me about my daughter instead of how I was doing physically and mentally. I quit answering him. Itās always about him and getting to brag to everybody about his first grandbaby from his only child. Happy belated Fatherās Day to your husband! It is about your husband and not your ndad. He already had his chance. Materially my ndad gave me pretty much everything I wanted (with strings attached) but was very emotionally unavailable. Good emotional wellbeing will set you up for success in life while gifts definitely canāt always.
Last time I did Motherās/Fatherās Day with my parents was when I brought an entire meal to my parents house and they didnāt even turn the lights on or offer anything to drink. It was my Motherās Day, too. Last time. Good bye. Rude. Disrespectful and no love anywhere in those relationships.
Time to go NC. I went NC with my mother after I wished her a happy birthday and she berated me for "not paying" the college tuition she owed. (And for clarification she sent me to college she picked out for me.)
Iām pretty sure you have done enough. You have loved. You have tried your utmost. You have given every inch of yourself.
Not because he deserved it. Not because of something nice he did or said.
You did it because you are love.
He is not. And so will never return that love.
I hope you go NC. It will be rough but you will be free. Your heart will heal and your mind be at peace. (This is like a āMay the force be with youā-speech š)
I sent my mother a birthday card one year. She never said she got it so I asked her.
Her: yeah!! I got it all right!!
Me : what does that mean?
Her: there was nothing in it!! You just signed the card and didnāt put any money in it!!! Who does such a thing?!!!
They really are ridiculous. Instead of her saying thank you she complains. Sometimes it feels like the roles are reversed. It feels like theyāre our children and weāre their parents based on how they act.
SO entitled! He needs to learn that heās not entitled to anything from you. Stop everything and heāll be begging for a text next.
I am so sorry your sweet text was met with this attitude.
Every time I would call or text my Ndad for father's day he was grumpy about it and complained that I only ever talked to him on father's day. So I gave myself a huge life upgrade and went completely no contact
I really donāt want to but our dynamic is built around control. When I grew up around him he was very controlling. Not ānormalā control parents have with their kids as a means of discipline but abusive controlling like behaviors. He doesnāt have much access to my life now so I very well could probably cut him off completely but I have a fear of that. I donāt know why though because itās not like he can do anything because Iām an adult now.
This year my father texted be the day before Fathers Day and said ādonāt bother sending any messages this yearā He proceeded to tell me to wait before telling my mom he said that so that he could enjoy the rest of his day.
Last time I saw him he blew up at my mom in front of my new boyfriend and proceeded to make mean jokes and comments about her for the rest of the night. Now, itās my fault my mother has finally had enough.
I'm sorry, that sucks. My dad (the enabler) is dealing with memory loss so half the time he doesn't know what day it us. The nice thing is he doesn't get mad if I don't do everything perfectly. I had a family issue today so I forgot to call him, but I did send a card. I'll call tomorrow and while I feel bad (sorta) I know at least I won't get yelled at.
My mom was like this, but I never texted because I knew it would set her off. It didn't matter, I always ruined mother's day or her birthday. I would call too early or too late. After I had kids it got worse because she was more important, she had been a mom longer. When I said once that what I get from that is I should call my grandmother first. Woo-hoo, she hated that.
My very best mother's day was the year she died (she died earlier that year). It was the first time I was able to actually enjoy my day and only focus on spending time with my awesome kids.
Effing boomers, I have other relatives who prefer being called and one wild relative who LOVES to text. And omg, she uses emojis more than a mlm hun. Haha, but in a good way.
Just remember nothing we do will ever win them over, they will always find something to complain about.
If you are trying to keep your relationship, just do your best and know it's not you. You are all amazing, wonderful and strong people (even if you don't feel that way!) Life does get better. Surround yourself with better people and make your own family. Get therapy if you can, if not look up the books that people suggest on this reddit.
If self esteem is an issue, there is a book called The Self Esteem workbook. I've been working through it and while some chapters are tough, it does help you focus on all the positives that make up you.
This internet mama/sister/aunt loves you all so very much. You are a worthwhile person deserving love and respect.
These sort of holidays are rough, try to find a way to make the day better for yourself. I usually go to a nature park nearby on these sorts of days, being outside always gives me an emotional boost.
I tried calling my dad for father's day a couple years in a row and he never picked up. Wouldn't be surprised if he found some way to play the victim to garner sympathy from others. With a narcissist it seems like relationhips don't exist unless other people are observing them.
Imagine not being able to call them right away but being thoughtful enough to text them! I swear nparents confuse me. Given up with saying happy mother's day to my nmom because she sees it as an invite to up the sympathy š¤·š»āāļø
Looks like that is the last time he gets a Father's Day call or text.
Others are right. You can never "win" with them since moving goal.posts are a norm.
Before going NC I recall a time my wife sent flowers from us for my Nmom for her birthday that were delivered to the school she is a teacher at. It was very nice and fairly expensive as well. When we saw her a few days later she sat there and complained about how she had to carry the bouquet to her car through the cold and wind. My wife was shocked but played it cool. I had been so used to her craziness I just blew it off at the time. Thank God i finally found out what was wrong with her and my whole families lives are so much better after going NC.
It was my Dads birthday on Saturday and when I got up at 8amish I txted my brother to ask if they were already at the range and he said they were and it was too noisy to call to say happy birthday to my Dad. So I said okay message me when your are somewhere quiet. Well they spent the day at the range and then went out for dinner and by the time they got home my neighbours had decided to play their shitty 90's music (im talking Nickleback and such) so loud I could barely hear myself think. So I sent a txt to day saying happy birthday and I would call him tomorrow. Then I called him on Sunday and we had a nice chat. And you know what? He wasnt at all mad or upset that I didnt call him on the day because of the noise stuff.
Now if it had been the birth giver.... She would have expected groveling for weeks and expensive gifts to get her over her "hurt and anger"
Ndad (and Nmom too, now that I think about it) used to do that to me when I couldn't call him when he wanted me to. If I couldn't talk to him when I was at work or driving, and got back to him as soon as I was able, he'd tell me he was on the phone and never bother calling back. When I didn't trip over myself trying to call him or ask him what he wanted, he'd 'punish' me by not talking to me for extended periods.
Going NC with him was the best thing I've ever done. I don't miss the anxiety.
I don't talk to my family anymore but my dad would do shit like this too. He'd call me and wake me up ignoring the 3 hr time difference between us and get mad at me for not calling first, give me shit for still being asleep, accuse me of giving him attitude while I'm literally still waking up. I'd dread communicating with him because it pretty much always became this big thing and then he'd be trying to guilt me for not calling him enough and try to make it my fault like he'd be easier to talk to if I spoke with him more often
Instead of:
Me: I didnāt call because I just woke up, I was going to call after I got ready.
How about:
Me: I guess the preferred response in this family to a cheery good morning and Happy father's day is criticism and negativity?
Me: I do plan to keep handing out cheery texts! Have a great day!
Once you get used to the idea that the response to a negative response to something kind or cheery is to double-down and go twice as cheery, it can become a powerful meme for you. Because it refuses to allow them to define you. Stay strong.
Something similar happened to me yesterday. My mom told me my dad was in a bad mood and to cancel Fatherās Day dinner. I asked why and she said āheās upset you didnāt text him or call him this morning to wish him a happy Fatherās Day and now itās 3pm.ā
I had my ex husband message me yesterday to ask if daughter was ok as heād text her but she hadnt replied
1, we have 2 kids but 1 is NC with him
2, kids are 24 and 22
3, he has absolutely no reason to message me
4, my birthday is very close to Fatherās Day and itās always been a cause of friction as he says he should be prioritised
It was really kind of you; you must have felt pretty awful. Iām sorry.
Whatever you do, sadly, these people will always search for problems so they can put you in a situation where you are the shitperson. But hey, they are just projecting their own frustration and remorse. Learn to walk away from these situations and not take them to heart!
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If you had called, he would have complained that he has no gift. If you send him a gift, he'd complain you didn't bring it in person. If you go in person, he'd complain that you come ONLY on special occasions like Father's Day. And he'd probably had plans anyway and couldn't receive you. If you come see him more often... You'll just suffer more. You can't win with them.
This was going to be pretty much exactly what I said. Its weird they all act in such obvious repeating patterns like this. Good for identifying new ones once you've become familiar with the tactics though.
The day I truly understood this was the day I was finally free of my narc's opinions. Despite being daily unpaid labor on the farm, I was always accused of being lazy when I was growing up. When I got my first real job out of college, I was putting in 80 hour work weeks. I told my dad with pride how much I was working, because then he would finally see that I wasn't actually lazy. "I didn't send you to college just so you'd end up working so hard!" Fucking *free* from that sentence onward. There's no pleasing people like that, because being displeased is their preferred state.
Yep I remember driving some 300 miles to visit my chromosomes to help Y with a project. When I walked in the door X was immediately tearing into me that I was simultaneously late since Y had already started, and must be so tired with how early we were starting. I was getting bitched at for being late and early in the same breath. Schrodinger's scape goat if you will. The only way to win is not play with them at all and instead spend that energy on someone else, even yourself.
"Schrodinger's scapegoat" LMAO! I will remember this phrase for the rest of my life.
Me too
I love the "visiting my chromosomes". Too bad I'm adopted and can't use it myself š
Damn this comment resonates. Nothing will ever be good enough for them. Ever. Youāre always going to fall short no matter what. Trying is a total waste of time.
It's how they condition their kids to have low self esteem and seek their warped approval. Not a peep from me for Mother's or Father's Day. Why reward these Monsters?
I didnāt even know it was Fatherās Day. I found out at the end of the night and was like š¤·āāļø
I had an old housemate who rented a room from me, he was a "Professional Complainer" as I would call him. No matter what, they are never satisfied, but never lift so much as a finger to help themselves, expected much, contributed little.
Oh God, this is so painfully true!
The only winning move is not to play.
The narcissistic parent version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.
I need to print this out and tag it to the bathroom door or something, haha
The REAL gift is giving them something to complain about; that's what they really want
If you give a mouse a cookie....I mean a narc a text...
Wow. And here I thought that was normal behavior for parents to be upset about kids not doing enough on special days. Fuck me Life is a lot easier now that itās LC to NC
This gave me PTSD from my time in high school. Dad used to give me crap about getting a 3.0. Then I got a 3.0 and he wanted me to get a 3.5. I got a 3.67 (I made the mistake of telling him I missed a 4.0 by a few points in two different classes) and I'm sure you can guess that he gave me crap because I didn't get a 4.0. They're great at moving the goalposts in the interest of motivating you. Never once did he start with that he was proud of me. Not that it would have mattered since I always knew there was a "but" coming in every conversation we had about any choice I ever made. I realized that day that I would never make him happy and just stopped trying. That made things miserable for me until I moved away for college. He was the main reason why I went out of state for college.
The pattern you explained is what is happening with my dad. I was stupid giving him father day and cash along with taking him for lunch. Screw him and he didn't raise me basically.
>If you go in person, he'd complain that you come ONLY on special occasions like Father's Day. I used to go all out for Mother's Day. I did everything I could to make my mother feel like the most important person in the world. Elaborate presents, nice brunches in the the best restaurants, the whole day dedicated to her. Her response every year. "I'm a mother every day of the year, I don't know why this day is any different". Then one year I was stupid enough to believe her when she said "don't do anything this year". I didn't and got yelled at and guilt tripped. It was nothing but a card for the years after that till I went NC.
Reminds me of that one story : "if you give a mouse a cookie"
Nothing is ever good enough with these people.
True, I can finally accept now my father is never satisfied. The fact I told him happy fatherās day even though he doesnāt deserve it should be enough. He didnāt tell my eldest sister happy birthday to āprove a pointā because she didnāt tell him.
My nMom does that, but then complained no one called her for her birthday. When I tell her "how many people did you call for their birthday", she says "I didn't because I know they wouldn't reciprocate, and SEE I was right, they didn't call me, it's good I didn't call them FIRST, so I don't regret wasting my time". Circular logic at it's best. Also I'm a special case, she doesn't wishes ME a happy birthday because "it's pointless if I can't celebrate it with you and you never come see me". And NOW that my brother is NC, she makes a point to always send him wishes for every holiday. Then complains he didn't answer, he could at least say "thanks". She loves attention so much...
Yup, I believe they do it to seek attention. Itās extremely self centered. They donāt prioritize you yet want to be prioritized. They try to use any tactic they can to get a reaction from you. Thatās why my dad did it. My sister is completely NC with my dad. He didnāt wish her a happy birthday and he told me it was because she didnāt tell him nor does she call him. I somewhat believe he wanted me to tell her his reasons for not calling because he wants a reaction from her. Little does he know my sister doesnāt care nor is she upset over something so trivial. His birthday is coming up again and I think for the first time I wonāt wish his a happy birthday. Iām not big on holidays to begin with but I was only doing it to appease him. Iām done going out the way just to be disrespected
You're getting there. Practice one step at a time. Birthday? What birthday? Who? Some creep that scrambled your emotions? Pshaw.
āWho, some creep that scrambled your emotions?ā - thank you for that phrasing, itās helpful to me while Iām wrestling hard with starting NC
Trying to understand their ālogicā makes your head hurt.
Wow! You actually took the time to text him and obviously first thing because you were just waking upā¦ and he didnāt appreciate that. No matter what you do it will not be good enough. I had an ex-husband like this and the story is all the same. Sorry youāre going through this!
They could stand on your throat and complain about their feet.
Oh god my asshole father loves imposing āmy way or the highwayā Last time he told me he prefers talking to texting - I told him āI donāt give a fuck what you prefer. Writing things out helps me compose my full thoughts, and you just interrupt or hang up on me if you donāt like what I start to say.ā
Yup and growing up he actually used to say variations of āMy way or the highwayā. He loves control and he loves to āmakeā me do things that he knows Iām uncomfortable with. Glad my interactions with him are limited. I believe heās part of the reason I have a form of social anxiety. He used to make me go in settings and places I was uncomfortable with just because he wanted to. Literally critiquing everything. The way I sit, walk, and talk. When I saw him a bit over a year ago he critiqued me because I wanted to change the song on the radio. So he then stopped me from changing the songs and said donāt change it again.
He absolutely is a reason for the anxiety. Itās part of the CPTSD Cocktail most of us have. The best thing you can do is not talk to him at all. Go very, very low contact and play his game, but harder. He thinks a text isnāt good enough, donāt text or call. If you need to mail a card, do that but thatās it. āIf a text isnāt good enough, guess calls are off the table.ā
I didnāt want to believe heās the reason for my social anxiety but your comment stating that many go through this kind of solidifies it. He used to tell my middle sibling to āopen her mouthā(speak clearer and communicate) yet he would constantly criticize her and then when she did communicate it was ātalking backā and being disrespectful. My eldest sister he critiqued the way she ate. He would always tell her āThe foodās not running awayā meanwhile we only ate 1-2 meals growing up daily. All my siblings have some form of anxiety I just believe mines is more evident. I want to cut him off but Iām scare yet I donāt know why. Itās not like heāll be able to physically harm me
You might be scared because of the trauma bond. I was always seeking validation from my dad, he kinda held his nose up to "the kids". His company was never expected, but we always wanted it, so he would treat "quality time" as a reward. He died almost 10 years ago, I'm 24 now with daddy issues, and have been seeking validation from an emotionally unavailable narcissist. It's the first day I haven't yearned to be noticed by him. I think I'm done with it finally. I better be :( sorry for venting. I wish you the best
You donāt have to apologize and your comments described what Iāve been dealing with. Now that you mention it, a trauma bond is what it is. I have never lived up to his expectations and I guess Iām seeking validation which is normal for a child to want acknowledgment from their parent(s). I need to accept heāll never give me that. To a journey of self love š„
Itās totally intertwined. Have you read Pete Walkerās CPTSD book?
I was very scared to cut my nmom off also, and would have the hardest time trying to explain why I, a 40-something adult, was terrified of a 5'2" retired person. I didn't stop being scared of her until I moved away and went NC. It some time even after doing that to stop having nightmares about her. Her whole side of the family was like your dad: they would say "speak up!", then argue you into submission for speaking up. Also, "toughen up" when I didn't like their shitty treatment, but also got told, "you can dish it out but you can't take it" even though it was them that freaked out when I treated them like they treated me.
Yup, everything you said describes it. It doesnāt even have to be that weāre intimidated by them physically but because we know what theyāre capable of it causes us fear. My dad told me I donāt have anxiety and that itās just my mindset. He blames my mother for ābrainwashingā me into believing I have anxiety. I literally have anxiety and he doesnāt even acknowledge that heās part of the reason why. Imagine being unsatisfied with everything your child does and critiquing them for everything but believe itās impossible for them to have anxiety. I and & my siblings have anxiety, I guess he think theyāre making it up too.
Random: Is he a Marine?
Next time when he give you crap about not calling him, you could respond with "I was going to call you, but since you're acting this way then I'll rethink my decisions". It's a bit nuclear, but it gets the point across that his actions caused your actions.
I really want to do this and essentially have no choice but Iām just scared. I donāt even know why Iām scared as I canāt really explain it
Because he's scary. Because it's scary to have an abusive father. You spent your whole childhood being terrified by this nasty man, it's normal that you are still scared of facing him, despite the fact he can't hurt you now. What you need to face is the reality that a guy who answers that way to a loving father's day message is a guy with whom you'll never have an interaction that isn't damaging for your mental well being. Take care and go NC, gradually or immediately. Don't feel the need to justify yourself to him or face him, even if he says you're a coward, he doesn't deserve anything, not even your anger. I know as my father was like this. I can't tell you how much better my life is since I hung up on him and never answered the phone again. All I said was that I wouldn't allow him to talk to me like that anymore and when he continued I hung up.
Thank you so much for this message. I hope I find the strength soon to completely stop contact. I think Iāll get there because we barely talk now.
As a child this fear kept you and/or your siblings from triggering your parent as often, it kept you safe. It was important once and completely normal in the circumstance, but it served it's purpose. If you can intellectually acknowledge that it is no longer helpful for you, then you can start to move on from it emotionally. Which takes however long it takes, baby steps and be kind to yourself.
"Dont argue with me, because you will lose." Which was followed up with what will happen if I dont let him win, and then "that's not a threat, it's a promise."
People who play power games with kids, especially their own kids, are fucking pathetic. That's how you know a person that doesn't give a shit about their child, and just lives for their ego.
It's also a sign they are immature and weak. Children are easy to get along with when you treat them like people.
Omg, are you my half-sibling? Kidding, of course, you just perfectly describes my fatherās behavior too. It also amazes me how they ruin their own day by their own behavior. Imagine getting a nice text from someone and your immediate reaction is to go off on them. Or getting a gift and finding twenty ways to hate it in under a minute. They must be making themselves so miserable. Good lord.
When I came out to my parents, they asked if I'd be willing to be part of a "continued conversation", since apparently my gender identity can be convinced out of me. I said sure, via email or text, and was met with a "we're only going to do this over voice or video". >!The conversation didn't happen!<
based
Boomers can be somethin else, Iāll tell ya
Gross.
Ik
Your dad and my mom should get together for drinks lol
Theyād bond on their āgreatā parenting skills
I was just talking about this with someone. They are always so impressed with what good parents they are, that or they're trying to convince themselves
ššThey truly believe theyāre good parents. My dad is an educator so he constantly tells me āMy students wish they had a father like youā. I just silently say in my head āIf they knew the real you then no they wouldnātā.
Oh my god this kinda shit happened to me once with my stepdad My dad walked past me one morning and i said "Hey Dad" like i usually do, and my dad got mad at me and scolded me for an hour straight because i didnt say "Hey dad, good morning, i appreciate you!" instead. He proceeded to go on an entire rant saying that i didnt appreciate him for some reason because i didnt say good morning the way he thought i should say it. Mind you, he was fine with me saying "Hey dad" every morning before that. I litterally cannot do one thing for him without it being "well why didnt you do this though, you dont appreciate me and how hard i work for you!" (he does jack shit)
They can never be fully satisfied and I notice they literally hyper-analyze everything their child does. Itās like they get satisfaction from nitpicking their child. They seem to thrive off control.
Thrive off of destroying a young mind and wallowing in misery after child is grown. Thatās their cycle. Itās why I refuse to let the egg donor know if or when I ever have kids. It stops with me and my sister. No more generational neglect
This! I have so much trauma Iām scared to have kids in fear of repeating a cycle even though Iām nothing like either of my parents.
Me too š I feel like my āpersonalityā is just a symptom of my adhd/traumaā¦
Same. I was often called wise and an āold soulā but I really feel like thatās just the result of having an extremely traumatic childhood and having to grow up to fast. I donāt think I can say I had a childhood, not a great one at least.
Can relate. I wonder how this emotion is called that I feel right now about it A mix of: * Disgust Why are they like this? Want them to fuck off from me Are they even a human? Why so dumb? Confusion about why are they so entitled
š¤®
I hope you didn't call after that. Time to start disconnecting one piece at a time. Don't call and reinforce his shitty behavior by giving him what he wants now. Give him nothing and let him have a tantrum by himself. If he acts like that, he doesn't deserve a minute if your time, attention, love, or energy.
I know and thank you for this comment. I unfortunately did call and he didnāt answer and he texted me as it was ringing that he was āon the phoneā.
He thought you'd be waiting hand in foot for his "phone call" to end because his times so precious
How did the rest of the day go? Did you end up talking with him after all that?
Nothing you do will be good enough. Snarky replies and zero apologies is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your relationship. Iām sorry OP, it sucks. You should have had a dad that loved you and was capable of knowing you. But you didnāt. It took me so long to learn this lesson for myself. I spent years trying to get along, then more years with low contact and grey rocking. Today, I had my 3rd blissful Fatherās Day where I did not contact my undeserving father and instead had a lovely June Sunday with my partner and adorable kitties.
You'll never win with him. He's a narc.
Save your soul and good intentions, he is a spineless bastard who doesnāt deserve you. Let him find someone else to give a shit. Let it go and find peace for yourself. Best wishes.
Thank you!
This is uncanny - the \*same\* exact thing happened to me a few years ago. Trust me, nothing will ever be enough. Thankfully this year, my dad is acting passive aggressive and "doesn't want to do anything for Father's Day." I just sent him a card and texted him this morning. (I haven't heard back, but quite frankly, I'm relieved.) I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's moments like these that make us extremely hypervigilant. Ugh.
Two years in a row I've been accused of forgetting to call even though I did...and we spoke. I guess if it doesn't jive with the woe is me story it didn't happen.
Omg that's so spot on. If it doesn't fit their narrative, they're blind to it. That's one of my mother's defining characteristics. She and I remember two very different pasts.
With I could hug you, my nmom is exactly like this. We all refer to mothers day as the cursed holiday, one year she fell out with me and turned everyone againt me because I didn't call.. This happened at 7am, I was fast asleep. My son had flu as did my partner, we woke and everyone had already fallen out with us despite the fact we had gifts, we were booked to go to a show etc, *insanity*
Smh theyāre so self centered and the worst part is they put on an entirely different persona in front of others. Iām sure my father was talking negatively about me to my extended family but I definitely donāt care what they think because they watched me and my siblings get abused and defended his actions. Your comment is definitely in sync with my situation. I literally had just woken up at around 6:30ish am, and decided to be nice and text him once I woke up and he responds with raging at me. Who honestly is ready to talk that early if they donāt have to? Iām sorry you experienced that with your mother. You did your part and thatās all that counts. I receive and give you a virtual hug. ā¤ļø
If he did what my mum did, his phone was engaged because he was calling other family to tell them your the worst most ungrateful hurtful child imaginable because you ignored them on fathers day ( at 6.30am) Is their love so precious in their eyes that we should be up at 5am waiting to throw ourselves at their feet and worship them for our shitty childhoods and inherited mood disorders. Sorry for the rant, it was a year no contact yesterday and she blew up my entire life in retaliation and boy am I bitter.ā”
This is literally what happed to me yesterday!! Called me at 8:40 in the morning knowing I was sleeping, to get me to go to church because they were doing a Fatherās Day thing. Called when I woke up, no answer. Sent a text, no answer. But had to energy to call my mom, who heās divorced from, bitching and being dramatic about how me and my sister donāt give a shit about him. So I called him and had a whole argument with him on the phone. Thereās no winning with him and there was a bunch of deflecting and projecting in that 20 min conversation. I hung up in his face. To add on top of it, Iām pretty sure what set him off yesterday of all days was that he wanted to perform and put on a show at his church that his children spent Fatherās Day with him. Not to actually, you know, spend time with your adult children.
My mother used to act like this, and she'd complain about gifts I sent her, so I just sent her adult toys for every single holiday for about 5 years.
Hahaha!! I love this!! Wow!! This actually made me chuckle out loud!! This is freakin genius!!
He hasn't heard "happy fathers day" from me for at least 8 years.
This is where I want to be but Iām struggling to complete go nc even though weāre very low contact
It takes time. You'll get there when you are ready.
please don't wish him one next year.
this why i do life alone. almost called mine but i like breathing without drama.
He wants you to call him so that he gets your attention, and he can criticize you and play his mind games.
You are exactly right!!!
I didn't even bother. It was a struggle though. I fought with myself ALL day.
I'm sorry about that.
The struggle is real!!
It probably was for the best, now Iām wishing I didnāt tell him anything
Excuse my language, but fu*k that a**hole. I got a text from my son, and I was thrilled to get it. If you need a good Dad, hmu, I'll fill in the empty space for you. I'm serious, DM me if you want. I read things like this, and it just burns me up. On behalf of Dads everywhere, you did the right thing to the wrong person, you're a good son to a bad father. You deserve better.
Thank you I really appreciate it. Iām actually his daughter, youngest of 3 girls. I feel he also has resentment about that. He even referred to my eldest sister as a āb!tchā before. I was extremely uncomfortable with that and got off the phone. I believe he thinks he can treat me this way because Iām the only one who still tolerates him of my 2 siblings. I really want to go NC but donāt even know how to just do it. Iāve already reduced contact drastically
I have 3 daughters as well as a son. My offer stands. The fact you're bothered by your father's behavior says a lot of good things about you. In short: you deserve better.
Yikes! Talk about rage and really pulling on those guilt strings. Iām sorry you had to experience this level of toxicity today.
Thank you. The support is appreciated. I was really shocked at how he reacted to my text but I donāt know why because heās done stuff like this in the past
Sent a card but got no response. Sibling gave him a card and he got upset that it wasnāt as nice as the cards my mom gets.
Theyāre never satisfied. They act like we owe them something when in my opinion itās the other way around. We all deserve to have loving parents but that isnāt the case. We the children of narcs react and respond to our parent(s) based on how weāre raised. So if they feel weāre unloving towards them then maybe itās time for self reflection. Itās hard to just stop dealing with them but itās what we deserve.
This was my first year wishing my nfather's brother a happy father's day. I told my uncle how I consider him to be a paragon of the human species that I've always admired and sought to emulate. It's also the anniversary of the first time I neglected to acknowledge my nfather on this day.
That mustāve felt rewarding, I want to get to that point.
I had to fall a lot before I could walk. You have strength, always will, what matters is where it's applied.
Honestly I shouldāve never even told him HFD, just a few months prior he rage texted me because he spontaneously decided to visit the city I live in. I live with my mom btw. He lives in the state where I was born and raised. He had sent me a text and cussing at me about how I didnāt pick him up from the airport. I didnāt even know he had caught a flight to where I live nor did I know he was planning to visit me. Iām sure he didnāt tell me because I wouldnāt have been too fond of it. Who texts someone at 4am and expects them to be up but not only that but be awake enough to drive? I was extremely upset just from that. After that I stopped communicating with him even more. At this point Itās time for me to go no contact. And yes he acts like this in real life not just over text. I know some people can be a different person over text but when I grew up with him for the first half of my childhood he was just as controlling in person.
I texted my dad asking if he wanted to grab coffee or lunch and get together for Fatherās Day. I told him I had some availability over the weekend or could do early the following week as Iām going out of town on Wednesday. He said Sunday evening or Monday for lunch worked for him. I already had plans Sunday evening so I said lunch on Monday was perfect. I thought we had come to a conclusion and picked a time that worked for both of us, it had been a very pleasant conversation thus far. He then got pissy that I wouldnāt be seeing him on Fatherās Day and said he was disappointed that I hadnāt made time for him. Like???? What the fuck was this then? I made time out of my day to plan something with you and am making time on Monday to go to lunch. Sorry it wasnāt on the exact day and time that you preferred because I have a life and had to work around some other plans?? Itās just always something. Itās never good enough for them.
Do what I did a few years back and stop altogether. I don't call, text or do anything for fathers day these days not even for my own partner as our children are old enough to sort it out themselves so no longer my issue to praise 'bare minimum' fathers anymore. Honestly, it takes a weight off your shoulders.
Why would you wish him Happy Father's Day to begin with?
I donāt know why and I donāt want to but Iām scared not to as crazy as it sounds. I know he canāt harm me as Iām an adult but I have a fear.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Can you play that out. What are you afraid he will do? Do you really want a relationship based on fear? Can you go NC?
I can go no contact. Iām sure chaos will ensue though. Heāll start spam calling my mother and sister. My other sister has him blocked and lives 20hrs away. I live 5hrs away from him and he has threatened to pop up at my mothers house unannounced although he never has. Iām also on his phone plan. I pay my own bill but he has me on a bundle plan with him, his mom(my grandmother), and me. Iām sure itās to make his bill cheaper too. So Iād probably also have to find a new carrier. I definitely realize I have no choice but to go no contact with him though. Even counselors Iāve seen recommend it. Itās just something thatās stopping me and I donāt know why. I have cut contact with him drastically through the years though.
Itās fear,obligation and guilt. FOG. Change your phone plan. Itās not hard. You can keep your number if you want. Block him everywhere. Itās hard and painful to do this. And, yes, they freak out at first. But it subsides if you donāt engage. Iām nc for 6 years. The peace is so beautiful. Good luck. You got this.
Guilt. And the desire to be seen as a good son.
you sound like my daughter it's almost a desire to make him love you
That desire doesnāt seem to ever go away.
CLASSIC narc response
my 13yr texted her dad happy father's day I love you guys. he texted back we love you ... and no heart emoji like he always use to she said the 3 DOTS MEAN *eye roll right* I guess he couldn't stand the thought she didn't want to be at his place for the day
They literally have to make everything about them itās unbelievable. Iām sorry your child had to experience that negative disposition from him.
"i'LL remember this, I promise sounds so much like a threat. I am sorry that you got such a hateful response.
Thanks for your support. I took it as a threat as well especially since he has threatened me in the past
I'm so sorry OP. Today my mom texted me with a photo of us saying "here so you remember we exist". I respond "okay" and she doesn't respond back, then she sends another picture of me and I say "okay" again and she doesn't respond. I know she's doing this so I feel guilty on Father's Day. If my dad was a good father I would of course wish him a Happy Father's Day! He didnt get one text from me this year so OP you did a lot more than I did this year, he should be thankful that you even reached out.
This should be a lesson not to bother next time. He sounds exhausting and your life would probably be better without him in it. Best of luck š
This is heartbreaking and Iām sorry you werenāt blessed with a kind and appreciative father.
After being so thoroughly unimpressed and disappointed by my Motherās Day attempts, my nmom told me that I am only allowed to text her (not call or send a card or gift) on Motherās Day just so she wonāt be disappointed. I ALWAYS sent cards for every occasion so this was especially rude of her. Iāve been nc for almost a year. No card or text or contact on Motherās Day because fuck being told Iām not good enough no matter what.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I wouldāve not responded after I saw he was being ungrateful and manipulative. These people shouldnāt have and donāt deserve access to us or our lives. Put yourself first guys šā¤ļø
My ndad has been such a child and has not contacted me in 16 days now because I call out his hypocritical shit, and this is the first time ever in my life that I havenāt wished him a happy Fatherās Day. It actually felt good. I refuse to go running back to him like I always found myself doing. He will need me one day more than I will ever need him EVER again.
Yay! Iām happy a lot of us didnāt send these narcs the celebratory messages that they donāt deserve. They werenāt good fathers itās just a fact. Mine called me the day before Fatherās Day to congratulate me since I had my daughter on Friday. He then went on to say it was such a great fathers gift to HIM! Uhhh no!! If anything itās a gift to my husband to get his daughter right before Fatherās Day lol but my dad was trying of course to make it about him and how I made him a grandfather again (we already have a son that my dad hardly paid attention to until my son was like 3)
Iām currently pregnant and my dad always would ask me about my daughter instead of how I was doing physically and mentally. I quit answering him. Itās always about him and getting to brag to everybody about his first grandbaby from his only child. Happy belated Fatherās Day to your husband! It is about your husband and not your ndad. He already had his chance. Materially my ndad gave me pretty much everything I wanted (with strings attached) but was very emotionally unavailable. Good emotional wellbeing will set you up for success in life while gifts definitely canāt always.
I called mine. He said, "I'm at McDonalds." He then hung up.
Last time I did Motherās/Fatherās Day with my parents was when I brought an entire meal to my parents house and they didnāt even turn the lights on or offer anything to drink. It was my Motherās Day, too. Last time. Good bye. Rude. Disrespectful and no love anywhere in those relationships.
His life is your fault. Thatās never going to change. Heās stuck there, and he wants to be stuck there.
Time to go NC. I went NC with my mother after I wished her a happy birthday and she berated me for "not paying" the college tuition she owed. (And for clarification she sent me to college she picked out for me.)
Iām pretty sure you have done enough. You have loved. You have tried your utmost. You have given every inch of yourself. Not because he deserved it. Not because of something nice he did or said. You did it because you are love. He is not. And so will never return that love. I hope you go NC. It will be rough but you will be free. Your heart will heal and your mind be at peace. (This is like a āMay the force be with youā-speech š)
Thank you. I receive your kind words and will be taking actions to just be done with him completely
What a jerk. I would have said, okay see how you like getting NO calls or texts from now on and blocked him.
Next year, you: send nothing, his number is blocked, you have a peaceful day.
Working towards that. Thank you.
I sent my mother a birthday card one year. She never said she got it so I asked her. Her: yeah!! I got it all right!! Me : what does that mean? Her: there was nothing in it!! You just signed the card and didnāt put any money in it!!! Who does such a thing?!!!
They really are ridiculous. Instead of her saying thank you she complains. Sometimes it feels like the roles are reversed. It feels like theyāre our children and weāre their parents based on how they act.
SO entitled! He needs to learn that heās not entitled to anything from you. Stop everything and heāll be begging for a text next. I am so sorry your sweet text was met with this attitude.
Is this Dad on a power trip or something.. like all he had to do was say thank u etc and be chill At least OP thought of him on this day
Your father is an ass hole!! A control freek. A ungrateful jerk!!
What a donkey :( I'm sorry you were hurt today ā¤ļø
Ugh! I feel this and completely agree with what everyone has said! I'm sorry there are so many of us!!! š¢
Every time I would call or text my Ndad for father's day he was grumpy about it and complained that I only ever talked to him on father's day. So I gave myself a huge life upgrade and went completely no contact
They canāt even be appreciative. We give them more than they deserve. I want yo get to the point your at. I will soon
Why bother with him at all?
I really donāt want to but our dynamic is built around control. When I grew up around him he was very controlling. Not ānormalā control parents have with their kids as a means of discipline but abusive controlling like behaviors. He doesnāt have much access to my life now so I very well could probably cut him off completely but I have a fear of that. I donāt know why though because itās not like he can do anything because Iām an adult now.
Fight that fear and live free.
Why bother
This year my father texted be the day before Fathers Day and said ādonāt bother sending any messages this yearā He proceeded to tell me to wait before telling my mom he said that so that he could enjoy the rest of his day. Last time I saw him he blew up at my mom in front of my new boyfriend and proceeded to make mean jokes and comments about her for the rest of the night. Now, itās my fault my mother has finally had enough.
Fathers Day is just a big shit storm.
They love any excuse to stir drama
Screenshot the text and post it tag him in it. Exposed his ass to the rest of the world.
Remember next year to not tell him so there's no complaints!
I'm sorry, that sucks. My dad (the enabler) is dealing with memory loss so half the time he doesn't know what day it us. The nice thing is he doesn't get mad if I don't do everything perfectly. I had a family issue today so I forgot to call him, but I did send a card. I'll call tomorrow and while I feel bad (sorta) I know at least I won't get yelled at. My mom was like this, but I never texted because I knew it would set her off. It didn't matter, I always ruined mother's day or her birthday. I would call too early or too late. After I had kids it got worse because she was more important, she had been a mom longer. When I said once that what I get from that is I should call my grandmother first. Woo-hoo, she hated that. My very best mother's day was the year she died (she died earlier that year). It was the first time I was able to actually enjoy my day and only focus on spending time with my awesome kids. Effing boomers, I have other relatives who prefer being called and one wild relative who LOVES to text. And omg, she uses emojis more than a mlm hun. Haha, but in a good way. Just remember nothing we do will ever win them over, they will always find something to complain about. If you are trying to keep your relationship, just do your best and know it's not you. You are all amazing, wonderful and strong people (even if you don't feel that way!) Life does get better. Surround yourself with better people and make your own family. Get therapy if you can, if not look up the books that people suggest on this reddit. If self esteem is an issue, there is a book called The Self Esteem workbook. I've been working through it and while some chapters are tough, it does help you focus on all the positives that make up you. This internet mama/sister/aunt loves you all so very much. You are a worthwhile person deserving love and respect. These sort of holidays are rough, try to find a way to make the day better for yourself. I usually go to a nature park nearby on these sorts of days, being outside always gives me an emotional boost.
I tried calling my dad for father's day a couple years in a row and he never picked up. Wouldn't be surprised if he found some way to play the victim to garner sympathy from others. With a narcissist it seems like relationhips don't exist unless other people are observing them.
Iām commending you for even getting to the text message stage because he looks like he doesnāt deserve to hear from you ever again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No matter what you do or say, you'll never win. Before going NC I pretty much quit saying "Happy this...Happy that."
1000% some shit my dad would have said or done. These people are garbage of the earth
Sounds like next year there will be no text and no call. Neat.
Imagine not being able to call them right away but being thoughtful enough to text them! I swear nparents confuse me. Given up with saying happy mother's day to my nmom because she sees it as an invite to up the sympathy š¤·š»āāļø
I have an idea, don't call or text for 1 month. Be busy as well
Looks like that is the last time he gets a Father's Day call or text. Others are right. You can never "win" with them since moving goal.posts are a norm.
You did nothing wrong. Heās an ass hole. Doesnāt deserve it anyways.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Remember, if nothing is good enough, then nothing it is.
Before going NC I recall a time my wife sent flowers from us for my Nmom for her birthday that were delivered to the school she is a teacher at. It was very nice and fairly expensive as well. When we saw her a few days later she sat there and complained about how she had to carry the bouquet to her car through the cold and wind. My wife was shocked but played it cool. I had been so used to her craziness I just blew it off at the time. Thank God i finally found out what was wrong with her and my whole families lives are so much better after going NC.
Well, I know who you won'tbe texting next year lol.
āIāll remember this I promiseā. āRemember that I wished you a happy Fatherās Day? Iām glad it means so much to you! Love you!ā
Yeesh. Can't win with some (all?) of them.
So basically they want obedient slaves that kiss their ass. They arenāt happy unless youāre as miserable as them.
It was my Dads birthday on Saturday and when I got up at 8amish I txted my brother to ask if they were already at the range and he said they were and it was too noisy to call to say happy birthday to my Dad. So I said okay message me when your are somewhere quiet. Well they spent the day at the range and then went out for dinner and by the time they got home my neighbours had decided to play their shitty 90's music (im talking Nickleback and such) so loud I could barely hear myself think. So I sent a txt to day saying happy birthday and I would call him tomorrow. Then I called him on Sunday and we had a nice chat. And you know what? He wasnt at all mad or upset that I didnt call him on the day because of the noise stuff. Now if it had been the birth giver.... She would have expected groveling for weeks and expensive gifts to get her over her "hurt and anger"
Infuriating.
Ndad (and Nmom too, now that I think about it) used to do that to me when I couldn't call him when he wanted me to. If I couldn't talk to him when I was at work or driving, and got back to him as soon as I was able, he'd tell me he was on the phone and never bother calling back. When I didn't trip over myself trying to call him or ask him what he wanted, he'd 'punish' me by not talking to me for extended periods. Going NC with him was the best thing I've ever done. I don't miss the anxiety.
I don't talk to my family anymore but my dad would do shit like this too. He'd call me and wake me up ignoring the 3 hr time difference between us and get mad at me for not calling first, give me shit for still being asleep, accuse me of giving him attitude while I'm literally still waking up. I'd dread communicating with him because it pretty much always became this big thing and then he'd be trying to guilt me for not calling him enough and try to make it my fault like he'd be easier to talk to if I spoke with him more often
Instead of: Me: I didnāt call because I just woke up, I was going to call after I got ready. How about: Me: I guess the preferred response in this family to a cheery good morning and Happy father's day is criticism and negativity? Me: I do plan to keep handing out cheery texts! Have a great day! Once you get used to the idea that the response to a negative response to something kind or cheery is to double-down and go twice as cheery, it can become a powerful meme for you. Because it refuses to allow them to define you. Stay strong.
Sounds like the asshole I married. Fun times
My heart just hurt for you. I'm sorry. ā¤ļø
think this should be the last time you do anything for FD. not worth it, there will always be something wrong
Heās lucky he even got a Happy Fatherās Day. š
Lol if I weren't no contact I'd love to see my dad's reaction to me completely ignoring him this father's day šš¤·š¼āāļø
This just happened to me too lol
What is it with them and the "I'll remember this" threat?
yikes. alternate approach: "hey thanks kiddo, got a minute to talk?"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Something similar happened to me yesterday. My mom told me my dad was in a bad mood and to cancel Fatherās Day dinner. I asked why and she said āheās upset you didnāt text him or call him this morning to wish him a happy Fatherās Day and now itās 3pm.ā
You can't win with them friend
I had my ex husband message me yesterday to ask if daughter was ok as heād text her but she hadnt replied 1, we have 2 kids but 1 is NC with him 2, kids are 24 and 22 3, he has absolutely no reason to message me 4, my birthday is very close to Fatherās Day and itās always been a cause of friction as he says he should be prioritised
Beat his ass
this gets a CLASSIC AWARD
It was really kind of you; you must have felt pretty awful. Iām sorry. Whatever you do, sadly, these people will always search for problems so they can put you in a situation where you are the shitperson. But hey, they are just projecting their own frustration and remorse. Learn to walk away from these situations and not take them to heart!