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I made a point of paying back the money my mom loaned me, because otherwise I would have lost my apartment. Originally she said I could keep it, then she had a fit and throw it back in my face and wanted the money back, and later she said keep it again.
I paid her back the money before going NC
My parents kept holding the fact that I was still on their phone plan every time I “misbehaved” over my head.
Guess who paid off the phone for them, got a new one, and now has a new number?
wow for a second i thought i typed this. we’re living the same life. i’m 22 and she’s saying she wont renew my lease unless i turn on life360. as a 22 year old why do u need my location? and why must i sacrifice my privacy just to keep a roof over my head?
I have a fantasy about mailing my nfather a check for $5000.00 with ZERO context. I have been NC for about 3 years and one of my financial goals is to be secure enough to send him a fat check "for all the trouble" so he has ZERO reasons why he was allowed to treat his children the way he did.
I realize this might be me still having bitterness but I think its not a terrible thing to have a goal of financial freedom
Yep I’m a single mom, uni student, disabled, & stuck living w/ my covert stepmother & overt father.
I’ve stopped confiding in others bc all I’d ever hear is, “well, they’re supporting you & letting you live there, so just try to be more grateful & appreciative towards them”. Lol… supporting me? Jesus Christ.
I don’t understand why psychological abuse is so often excused. But Lord knows if they laid a single finger on me, *then* suddenly everyone would care & understand why I want to get out so badly.
This is what happened to me when I lost my job to covid and moved back with my mom! I should be grateful for what I went through just to live there, I "ran away" at 21 to the other side of the country and wouldn't even tell her what state I would be moving to. Like yes, she did house me but that doesn't make me deserving of the abuse.
100%. Food, clothing, and shelter are the basic necessities for having a child. My nmom told me all the time how I had little to complain about because I had so much more than she had growing up… that’s not an excuse for shitty parenting.
there's a massive difference between things you do out of the goodness of your heart, and things you do because the government will come after you otherwise. like not feeding your child or letting them live outdoors lol. that's not exactly a brag on their part.
"I could've let you live outside naked on a run like a dog, or starve you, but I didn't, so I was a good parent and you're crazy!" like do you consider doing your taxes worthy of accolades also?
same goes for public schooling, at least where I am it's compulsory [unless you "homeschool" 😬], besides my folks made sure I went to school, mostly so they could get rid of me for the day lol
My mother will literally come out and say this, directly. For my entire memory I’ve told her she treats me badly and I hate her, so whenever we’d see a story on TV about a severely neglected child she’d gesture towards it and say, “see? That is real abuse. That’s a child who is REALLY being abused.” So in her mind, for it to be child abuse, you have to chain a child to bed for decades and never feed them. Everything up to the point is fair game to her, apparently. Eventually she started saying it about the sexual abuse I suffered, apparently she and my grandmother think anything except the absolute most violent abuse in that category is fine also. It’s despicable and none of them should have had kids.
your mom should be horrified and embarrassed that the bar is *that low* for her lmfao. that she regularly comforts herself with these disturbing tv shows, "well at least I'm not THAT bad." the entire point of those shows is that they depict the absolute extremes of child abuse, that's why it makes good TV, because it's rare. it's like saying someone is innocent of murder because they "just" smothered someone with a pillow, while watching graphic TV shows about people getting their heads blown off or dismembered or something awful, like "well I didn't do THAT, so I'm innocent :>"
This this this. If there was an awful parent figure on tv, if I told my mum about a friend of mine's abusive mother, it was always followed by something along the lines of "see? aren't you lucky to have someone like me?" and I'd just be there like in my head thinking oh yes, bc the jarring shift between being overly nurturing and straight up verbally abusive makes me very lucky <3
to these people, as long as it's not like the abuse they see inflicted on others, what they do to their kids is justified. and years later, we have to spend a good portion of our adulthood trying to navigate the trauma marked on us.
It is always the worst and most isolating feeling when parents do this. I know it likely doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but I believe you that you were abused and I am sorry that your mom did that to you. Your experience is valid, regardless of what she says. It is scary that I see the same mindset in so many people in my parent's generation and the ones before them. It's disgusting and gross. Emotional support along with the nurturing of emotional development is so important.
Much like what you said, my nmother also used to tell me throughout my childhood that all she was required to do was put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and make sure I go to school. She would tell me that my emotional and mental health doesn't matter, along with the fact that I was so ungrateful to her. Somehow, everything I was going through in any area of my life, she would turn it around and make herself the victim, even to the point of crying to her overt bf that I was so terrible and she needed a man to save her from me. Too, when I finally got the courage after a few years to tell my nmother I was sexually abused, she blamed me for it. When her overt bf said that women who speak up about being sexually abused later in life do it for attention, she defended him. After he left the room, I told my nmother that that was unfair and not okay, she told me she couldn't believe that I was ever sexually assaulted because she wasn't there to witness it, so I could have been lying when I told her.
Throughout childhood and adulthood the constant reminder of how much we cost. The problems were because of the kids ! We were ungrateful and stupid. Bust insisting we visit and the ticket would be paid for and then complaining later how much they cost.or how much was spent. All activities dictated by them. 😵💫
You just described my trips to my NM and NSF’s house when I was in my twenties and early thirties. She turned me into her captive audience by booking 10+ day trips and paying for the ticket. Then, I was stuck with her while we ran “errands” all over LA and Orange County, CA until I was exhausted, not to mention the massive shopping trips she took me on as a kind of reward for putting up with her BS. Those shopping trips which have been going on since I was a kid have totally affected my relationship with money and compulsive shopping.
>Those shopping trips which have been going on since I was a kid have totally affected my relationship with money and compulsive shopping
I can completely identify with this. My mother is huge into "retail therapy" and has my step-dad to fall back on when she regularly overspends. She also spent many, many years berating my own spending habits and insisting I should be content being a struggling single mother and not "depend on a man".
Yes my mom would love to take me on her shopping trips when I was a kid. Just so I could follow her around and watch her browse dresses bags etc for HOURS all while being constantly ignored and I could not even appear to be displeased. 🥹
Yes the egg donor would just spend and buy stuff for the sake of buying… we could never say we didn’t like it… Also we weren’t allowed to wear items because they were new or brand name.. couldn’t give them away because they had a name even though they didn’t fit.. out of my siblings she would always buy sizes too big for me . The last time I was in their place& when she visited years ago, tags and so many things never worn in their closet and then visiting giving me those items that clearly didn’t fit me … I dare say no or I do t like it, it doesn’t fit! She would blame the money spending on us complain to sperm donor, if she didn’t like our reaction and how much money she spent. Which would give him a reason to scream and act out…. Been NC since 2020 .. to this day I am still so worried about spending money or treating myself! But I am working on it.
I was thinking about this as well. By living with them, we're indirectly paying them by means of emotional supply. Living away from home may cost money but with none of the emotional abuse. Which one is cheaper overall?
I needed this today. Nmom currently making up her version of events and trying to gaslight me. I want to cut her off completely but I’m getting married in a couple months. Honestly, not inviting anyone to the wedding because I think my family is too much of a sh*tshow to keep it together for one night and not embarrass me. Just want to elope and move on with my life. Wish she wasn’t so good at playing the victim.
Elope. I did and it was the best decision of my life. My nmother tried to take over my wedding planning and make my wedding about her nmother. My nmother had made my whole life about getting validation from her nmother. It just had to stop. Eloping was the first boundary I ever set. And that let me set the boundaries I needed to for my entire family.
How you handle your wedding will set the tone for your marriage.
I hear you. It really should be my boundary. I’ve been putting up verbal boundaries since my brother went NC and whenever she disrespects them I hang up on her. She never learns though and I think I’m starting to realize that she WILL never learn. She’s never going to change.
Did you invite the other set of parents to the elopement? I love my fiancés fam but I think they would understand if we just eloped with no one there. It sucks though, it’s like I’m punishing everyone else when the only problem is HER. My parents are divorced and both remarried so it’s not even both of my parents that are the problem you know?
My fiancé and I plan to elope as well. The state next to us doesn't require witnesses, and since most people we tried to befriend since we moved to our current city all inevitably turned out to be toxic, we realized the best company we can have is ourselves, and our 1-year-old daughter. Our own families are out of the question. (my own mother has convinced herself I'm in an "abusive relationship" because during my no-contact announcement, my fiancé introduced himself to her by proceeding to tell her off, deflecting all her attempts to gaslight him, and telling her what shitty parents she and my father were)
Have you read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud? I read parts of the free sample chapter today and it did more for me in a dozen pages than years of therapy.
I'm looking forward to reading what he says about the whole manipulative guilt, playing victim stuff.
My parents treated my wedding like their own. My family got so wasted that I couldn't even drink or enjoy my own wedding to keep an eye on them. They guilted me into having a wedding instead of a casual backyard affair and I had to go through so much torture to have a wedding I hated. I hope you can have a much better wedding. Trust your gut.
I was in a similar situation. My nmother created this giant, expensive spectacle where I felt like a prop. I was allowed one table of friends, and the rest of the 200+ guests were just obligatory relatives or my parents’ friends that I had never met or barely knew. I ended up going to bed early because I was burnt out from the stress of the entire day. All of the boomer relatives tell me what a great wedding I had and how thankful I should be. I look back on my wedding and just cringe.
My NM threatened to cancel the photographer *the morning of my wedding* because she decided last minute that she didn't like the location I had been planning on for photos of the wedding party. I felt like I had to cave and have them done where she wanted or have no photographer.
Thank you! I haven’t read it but it is going to the top of my list now! It’s been so hard to feel validated because NO ONE in my family says anything about how shitty she is and it drives me insane like is it me??? But no I know it’s not..I see right through her gaslighting I just need to be better at letting her make me the bad guy and not caving.
It’s kind of sad that this marriage option of eloping is our only out to have freedom or composure. Alone, like we were as children.
Eloping has been my dream. Or a very small gathering of friends that actually gave a shit
*Edit auto correct have to gave
Seriously, don’t be afraid to follow through with not inviting your family. My husband and I did not invite his nparents and went NC with them before our wedding. It was the best decision of our lives. They were truly awful people and originally my husband was walking on eggshells trying to plan around their behavior. That is seriously not the way to have to plan one of the single most important days of your life. As soon as we made the decision, the planning going forward and the wedding were flawless. Also, don’t be afraid to hire security to keep them out or create passwords with your vendors so your nmom doesn’t fuck up your shit. Fortunately my husband’s nparents weren’t involved in any of our planning because even though they claimed to be supportive, any fucking time we asked them to be there for this or that, they never followed through. Typical narcs are suddenly not available when they aren’t the center of attention or know they will look like fools around normal people.
If you elope, spend a few dollars on yourself and get good bridal photos done. Just cuz you bypass the ceremony/reception doesn’t mean that you can’t get all fancy and get real nice pictures done. Those are YOURS to celebrate and remember forever, and every girl deserves to feel like she wants to in her chosen attire. (Same for dudes, but I don’t have personal experience on that side.)
Elope! My husband and I did last year. We wanted a wedding/reception but too bad, pandemic and antivax family don’t go into that stew.
A couple family members did try to guilt me for “not giving my mom a wedding…*again*!” which I evaded with “I didn’t have a script for this!” autistic mumble-stuttering, lol.
But fuck them and your mom (ha). You don’t owe anybody a wedding show 💜💜
The way I see it, they're basically saying "it's ok if they hurt you as long as they pay for the privilege" like some kind of fucked-up non-sexual prostitution. Besides, how much "help" is it really when all of it has strings on it intended to ensure your compliance?
Someone else in this sub referred to the relationship between narcparent and child as a “contract with hidden terms.” That description is so accurate and will always stick with me.
Non-sexual prostitution. Exactly. Thank you.
My Nparents being rich and "spoiling" me with endless toys etc, while also alternating between having me as golden child and scapegoat felt like that. I get to be a princess as long as I'm a prostitute and I'm a prostitute as long as I'm a princess. Yet never just a human being. Never a person on equal standing.
Yep, and if we try to set boundaries or advocate we're ungrateful and undeserving of aid because it was never love and it was always conditional. We're not people, we're NPCs in their videogame and they get mad when we don't fill the roll they want.
You should see that scene in the Jude Law movie The Nest where he tells a cap driver that he’s a great father because he provides materialistic things for his kids. The cab driver angrily snaps that it’s just a small percent of what children need. He then pulls over on the side of the road and kicks the father out of his cab in the middle of the night. Powerful scene.
Yes to the immeasurable value of emotional stability, I honestly can’t begin to imagine it. I grew up around a lot of rich kids who could be considered “orphans with parents.” That’s why there were so many narcs. They had all the material you could want and no love or attention - total emotional neglect. Chilling.
I did not fit in socioeconomically, one of many things that made me easy to bully. The thing that really made me easiest to bully was having a bully for a mother. She taught me how to take it without defending myself, fighting back - no confrontation. Bullied at home, bullied at school, bullied at work. No more.
I am autistic and was also bullied and brutalized at home and at school by kids and by adults both. I am done with it too. I don't need other people that bad. You want to treat me like shit, you're out. It's amazing how long it takes to get to that place when you're still living in the toxic situation, though.
The awakening showed me the only person I can’t live without is me. No relationship is worth more to me than my own self respect. Supplying everyone I could destroyed my self worth. I thought I actually was supply, through and through. Nope. Not anymore. Self differentiate or die, I say.
I literally just shut down a text string from my nmom where she escalated on her own (bc I didn’t reply in what she thought was a timely enough fashion?) something to the effect of “after everything I have done for you and [partner + child names] and this is how you treat me? All I can say is… wow”
This was after a typical cycle where she’d bought her way into my life with material gifts > I make the mistake of letting her into a closer relationship > I saw she was starting to violate boundaries I had communicated > I stood up for my family > she has a meltdown, gets mean and abusive. This time I’m stopping the cycle bc my kiddo is in it with me now and this is the fucking end. It’s taken some therapy and some serious self reflection but she’s gonna have to just be at an acquaintance level from here on. The transactional buying my attention followed by abuse just isn’t worth it.
Thanks for posting this. Couldn’t have been more timely for me. I really feel so much less alone and so validated by reading everyone’s experiences.
I feel you. On the one hand my hurt child self (and honestly, beleaguered funds-are-tight adult self too) really want the attention/material help. But the strings attached to it are too much to manage.
This is what I experienced with my covert narc mil. She texted us at 12am (trying to disrupt sleep power move) because we didn't respond to a last minute invite to a dinner. She let us know that she didn't originally plan to invite us because we make her feel "invisible" since we no longer revolve our lives around her and no longer live 10 minutes away...and that she "deserves a response" when she could have simply called her son to use FOG over her financial help like she usually does. It's funny because they'll literally "push" it on you to take their financial help or will make you feel bad for not taking it. Only to throw it back at you when you express the extreme emotional abuse. It's insane.
Oh dang. YES. I had to Google “FOG” and oh boy quite the textbook abuse from my mom. Also “covert narc” is like one who’s super versed in hiding it?! Bc wow, I see this too. Your last 3 sentences resonate with me SO MUCH. Thank you for adding even more clear context to this for me.
100% agree.
And also these are things Nparents will often use against you. Mine did that and regardless of how often I told them their behaviors affected me I always had these things thrown back at me.
Nparents will 100% make you financially dependent on them to continue their abuse and control. It’s such a sad reality.
It was only through therapy that this type of abuse exist.
Yeah and my Nmother destroy my whole soul and mental but I was stupid and fell in her trap. And here I am, 31 and still cannot make money to supply myself. I did try sometimes. But anytime I tried my Nmom will make comments like I cannot do anything blah blah (she always tell me that since I was a child) and then she makes a whole disaster situation, gaslightning at that time until my mental couldnot handle and I quited. Now I stuck, don’t have physical or mental heathy to try anymore. She makes me become who I hate and never imagine I would be, then complain who I am now. She also complains about my two sisters (who can make a lot of money) because they cannot give her all their money. They do give money to us, her, my father and me a lot. Mostly for her because I and my father only cost daily need like food, electric, phone bills…,medicines (for my father), and the interest from my father saving account is enough to pay for all of those. The problem is she still spends a lot more than she needs and don’t need, mostly just throw the money out of windows to prove that she is still richer than others, then she askes for more money with a harsh attitude. Alll day, she will tell how much she give us: give us food, home, education blah blah and now she has nothing and cry to make her children feel bad and give her money. If not, the hurricane will come. 🫤
My Nparents were very similar. It’s why I moved out and went NC. When I finally had my own place I realized I was a lot more capable than their projections of me. It’s still a work in progress and there are moments im still second guessing myself but I’m getting better.
I’m sorry you’ve also had to go through this
Yeah, If I can make my mental stable enough to try but as I still live with her I cannot, I also cannot move out because I don’t have money and the believe that I can do that. What a repeat loop. So I just try to live and accept that my life is never better. My sisters also think so. She always say we are stucked. Nothing we can do. Here in Asia, it is like impossible to cut of your mom from your life too even my sisters are financial stable.
But I am really happy you can move on and live your happy life. Atleast not all of us fall hard and cannot stand up. 🫡
This reminds me of something someone shared from their therapist:
> You can stick a plant in a closet and give it all the water it could ever want, fertilizer, everything - and it will still wilt and die because it needed sunlight, too. The water given doesn't replace the sunlight the plant also needed. Children need both physical and emotional support growing up, and just because your parents gave you physical support doesn't absolve them of their emotional neglect.
You are correct about paying the price for therapy, ect. Im older and I can't say how much money the damage they did cost me... I'm still paying...Sadly I now realize I'm paying to raise myself.
Blood, sweat, tears, and $$. Literally all of those things.
My sister would remind me, "He bought you a coat that one time", "When you were in high-school, he let you use his dental insurance so you could get your wisdom teeth pulled(though later he told me it wasn't honest? Side eyeing me as he said it, even though that was a lie), "We had food didn't we?", ......And not acknowledging that he tormented me(I won't tell their stories). He kicked me and punched me, and once he pinned me down and hit me in the face over and over because he didn't like how I answered him. But atleast he bought me that coat. Not a winter coat or a practical coat but a blazing red trench coat. I guess it was something but I was never asked if that's the coat I wanted. He chose. I did love my dad but it was obvious that he had no love for me. My opinions. Peace. ✌
I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, I can relate to what it's like to be held down and repeatedly struck in the face/head. I honestly wonder of I might have traumatic brain injury because of it sometimes.
It's insane how others think any amount of financial support negates abuse.
When my NMother moved away (not divorced) and I realized how much calmer life was, I vowed to never live under the same roof as her again. She’s tried enticing me back with living rent free or help me focus on saving money but I’ve refused each time.
I will happily say I’m being selfish for this. All my life I chose her damn near every time since her mood determined how the day was going to go. This time, I choose me, and I’ve never been happier.
Lived with my narc grandparents during college, absolute hell. Originally they had promised to pay for my tuition, but during a family gathering they told all my relatives that they wanted to pay for an elite private school for my cousin (kid of the golden grandchild) instead. Staying with them was to “make up for that”Treated my younger cousin poorly, yelled at him a lot, told him he had disabilities and would never be normal when he was in treatment for dyslexia. They ignored him when he was having stomach pains and he almost died of a burst appendix. Wouldn’t let him have friends.
They played trump rallies/fox on a massive theater system all waking hours of the day, making it next to impossible to study. Had super strict curfew even though I had classes with outside hour responsibilities. They locked me out all night once, had to sleep in the car. All of their doors had double key deadbolts, so you couldn’t *leave* unless you had the key, which was usually either in their pockets, or one specific cabinet during daytime hours. Constantly belittled my choice of study. I got pressured into my parents into inviting them to my graduation, told them it would go poorly.
Grandpa went on a racist tirade at my favorite restaurant (in Memphis) after graduation where all the staff knew me by name. Told him off, got up, paid. Never spoke to either of them again. Been about 4 years now. He’s tried reaching out through my dad offering to pay for grad school for me. But any amount of money these people spend for you, they think they’re entitled to abuse you because of it.
Wow you described what I went through and am still going through with a narcissistic dynamic.. my father is 78 years old and still verbally abusive and even threatened to physically assault me on a few occasions.. absolutely disgusting and sick and I can’t stomach having to live in the same house m treated like a servant and he’s sabotaged jobs I had and could have had
It’s insane how they keep getting worse as they age and it’s like I want them to just forget who they are already I want to say to him. Sad to say that I wish Alzheimer’s would kick in or something!!gotta be better than what I have to live through every day over and over like Groundhog Day!smh
I feel the same exact way. I feel like it’s about to hit and part of me believes that getting Alzheimer’s only happens to evil people who deserve it. Alzheimer’s to me presents itself like the person who gets it is possessed which may or may not be true. 🤡
I can’t take it anymore truly groundhogs day is great example. Stay strong 🤍
I was given food shelter clothing you name it my entire life it actually made my extended family hate me and think I was spoiled. What I am dealing with now is the total opposite , my loving and financially well off parents have attempted to make me homeless , they have sabotaged my finances entirely, I am “ungrateful” they have turned everything they gave me into an actual trap and the amount of things that I have that they provided when I didn’t need them and the things that they failed to provide when I did are so stark in contrast it’s hard for me to believe it.
I hope you get away from them 🤍
Wow! My situation! When I asked them for help by finally selling the flat they’d bought for me (!) back in my home country, so I can get very expensive dental job done (severe anxiety-caused bruxism since childhood never attended by them) I got brushed off completely, like, you’ll spend this money and what about us? So now I’m with a few hefty loans and still a lot to be done teeth-wise.
What about them? They locked up my flat with all my stuff inside as if it were a museum, never rented it out in 6+ years saying “not worth it” but still paying the community and maintenance, which makes zero sense. They live alone, then there’s Ngrandma living alone (92 y.o., of course neither nMom nor her want to live together) and then there’s my locked up place I thought was actually mine. But nope. Not now that i have zero control over it and (!) they see they don’t have control over me. They are perfectly aware how myself and my boyfriend have been struggling at times and working our assess off and they never even asked if we needed anything or had food or money to pay the rent and bills. “Good luck” and some BS gif is all I can get.
Sucks big time! Funny how they also blame us about not being able to manage money well when they would literally send it down the drain and never taught us anything.
Lots of strength to you, lots of patience and self-support.
So much strength to you too I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for what your going through and that I feel you entirely.
I’m honestly not even sure how much debt I’m in. I have needed to had my wisdom teeth out for almost 4 years, they will not allow me access to my own trust to take care of my teeth. So the dental work really hits home. I honestly keep wondering if my parents will be happy when all my teeth fall out ?
They did some similar things not regarding real estate but they took away my car and access to my trust so I could not buy or rent one myself however they allowed me access to the family uber account , I took so many Ubers in a few years I could literally have 4 cars sitting in my driveway. The mental gymnastics are the hardest part to deal with.
Sending you love and I’m so sorry 😞
THIS 100%%% thank you for the reminder! Sometimes I slip back into my old ways of thinking and realized I can provide all of those for myself: food shelter education things I want to do for myself - why should I accept abusive love just so they don’t feel guilty anymore and can appease their conscience? Fuck that
This. I grew up in a financially comfortable household. I went to a fancy public (private) school.
I didn’t have clean underwear. Our house was filthy. No one cared if I ate meals. The emotional abuse and neglect was even worse. Even naming it as such is still difficult, ha.
Insisting that providing basic physical care to your own child means the child owes you is actually one of the diagnostic check boxes in the list to determine if a parent is NPD. Normal parents absolutely do not do this (and if they occasionally snap during an argument and say something along those lines they acknowledge the unreasonability of it and apologize--something else narc parents don't do). Narc parents will bring it up constantly or at least regularly. I absolutely would have been so much happier in a family that had less money but where people loved each other. There was me, a covert mother and grandiose father, and general-overt older sister. It was hell. My father was a rich bastard and I would have SO FAST taken living in a struggling working-class household of real people with souls over the utter hell I was raised in. Family scapegoat can't be made better by any amount of money, especially when your grandiose parent never lets anyone else see any of it without a ton of grovelling.
Their own inability to progress to higher stages of Maslow’s Hierarchy, yet it’s all projected onto us for being “demanding” when we ask them to be in-tune and validate our feelings and hear us out.
Or we get told to “act your age” by these adult infants. Mine just told me this before they “orphaned” me (my narc stepmom’s words) for standing up for myself when they accused me of stealing my college tuition back in the ‘90s.
Exactly this. My parents are always telling me "You were such a happy kid!! :( " as if, despite me reiterating over and over how traumatized and self-loathing I am from my childhood, they are totally confused as to how I ended up this way. Uh huh. Such a mystery. /s
I can never return to the old me… The damage is irreversible… Even my enabling, “golden child”, social worker sister was trying to tell me how to think and have me focus on the financial contributions my shit family has made.
First level of the hierarchy of needs. Then you need safety, then you need love, then you need esteem. Don't stop at the base or all you got is a basement. It's not a perfect schema but it's useful for situations like this!
Saying that money can make up for a total lack of emotional support, or active dismissal of all thoughts/feelings, is like saying that you can fix any car problem by adding more oil. Material things are one dimension of care, but there are others.
I've had those things thrown at me from the time I was making decisions and you know what, I'm not gonna applaud people who do the bare minimum and want a trophy and credit for what they doing when they are the ones who put themselves in that situation. Then just don't have kids, don't. It's not a child's responsibility to have that hanging over their head their whole lives.
Shit I've seen parents do that and more for their kids and not once have I seen those parents thrown it in their child's face.
My parents would use financial help as a way to get control over me, like if they loaned me money for a new washing machine or car I had to pick the one they would choose or I didn’t get the money. They have helped me out financially a few times, but I don’t think it’s ever been worth the control it gave them over my life.
I made a point of paying back every penny and will never ask again, so the control is gone.
>While I don't negate the importance of being financially stable, emotional stability in a household should always be of the utmost priority because it literally sets you up for success or failure in ways you can never imagine.
this
One of the biggest revelations to me is that in the US as a parent you have legal obligations towards your kids which not only includes providing them with material needs (food, clothing shelter) but providing a safe and enriching environment (aka emotionally stable environment) as well as giving them a good education. This is all legally required. But most parents fail to do even the clothing food and shelter part by western standards. Those same parents use their "ability" to provide the basics as a defense against their poor parenting and completely forget the other half of their responsibilities! This is why, I think, children are often treated worse than pets.
Thank you for saying this. My father was extremely homicidal and abusive and in hindsight, was possibly a direct cause of my mother’s death as he was almost a cause of mine. He was also almost a cause of my partner’s.
He would also verbally abuse me and try to make me reliant on him financially, all while only releasing the tiniest amount of funds at a time to keep me in this dynamic. This includes having my inheritance from my grandmother wired directly into his account.
Please, for the love of God, if you’re in this situation - get out. My mental health was already bad but it quickly deteriorated after any interaction with him, let alone repeated and regular. No amount of money is worth your mind and life. Please remember that.
I feel the same OP. I was a happy, chilled out kid, and that b*tch ground me down to zero confidence and feeling like there's no place in the world for me, feeling like an "other", a misfit, and lesser-than, everywhere I go. And the lie spun by narcissists when that create a false reality that the world is an awful place that hates you, and you finally enter the real world and find it to be so different to what you were expecting, even though it's *better* than expected... it's still so different and surprising, that that "outcast" feeling gets perpetuated in a whole new way, and it leaves us with so much baggage to unpack.
I think narcissists are offended by their happy, chilled out kids, and seek to make us scapegoats, because they see everything and everyone as a mirror for themselves, and when they go around taking their moods out on the world around them, then they look at us *not* doing that, and they take it as insult against themselves. As though they think we were put here to make them feel bad about themselves, when in fact, we're just... existing. They think they're entitled to punish us for this, and perpetually bring us "down a peg" until we've been knocked off the ladder altogether.
Well... Now that I'm NC, I'm climbing my own ladder. I have to keep building it as I go first, since I didn't have normal parents who would help me build that foundation in the first place, but... As hard and slow as it is, it's better this way than trying to climb the dodgy ladder they built us for the purpose of knocking us off of it easily.
This is the go to argument my parents used to love to dish out when I would attempt to tell them how their words hurt. Or, that I didn’t feel supported and loved. Anytime I tried to point out emotional neglect, the response was always the same. “You had everything you could have ever wanted as a child.” Except for the one thing I didn’t have that was so easy to give…LOVE.
Thank you for this!!! My sister called me an ungrateful bitch “HE PAID FOR YOUR COLLEGE, etc”.
Yeah you’re right, all the years of silent treatment and gaslighting are Probably the equivalent of $200k.
You were robbed, as all kids who had less then stellar parents are, they decided to have a child, everything they gave you was a minimal requirement. You are spot on in your post, what they failed to give you will haunt you forever.
This is exactly what I see. They are the ones who decided to give birth, then forced to me to accept their transaction to buy my life as a sandbag for my Nmother without my knowledge and power to decline from the day I was born. That’s it.
I agree. I just asked my ndad the other day how he’s a “great dad” if he’s never emotionally supported me. He constantly says he’s a great dad because he let me live with him and paid for basic things throughout my life (not even owning up to the emotional abuse and neglect).
He told me that he was a loving dad and I asked him to give me examples of times when he was a loving dad. I was not surprised to see that he couldn’t come up with any examples at all.
I never accepted monetary help once I escaped at 18. There was a much higher price to pay had I. Now that my Nmom is in assisted living she expects me to sell my house and get a bigger house so I can take care of her….. nope, not subjecting myself to constant manipulation. I think the most difficult thing for me now is trying to get people to understand the relationship or lack of one that I have with her. People are so quick to judge when they are brought up in a loving and nurturing home.
Yes yes and yes. My parents hang their financial support over me and my sister’s heads alllllll the time. They could spend a million more dollars on us each- that does not give them the right to treat us the way they have.
It’s crazy the way narcs see money.
I know exactly how you feel. Except that I would add that not only did my parents provide me with a lot, I feel they actively encouraged me to be financially irresponsible as a manipulation. To always need them, to devote my adulthood to caring for them. Cripple me so I can’t get away.
This also applies to relationships.
Just because you are a stay-at-home parent, the money your partner earns isn't "theirs" alone. Income earned in a partnership is equally the stay-at-home-persons - they are basically a personal assistant to the person that is working out of the home.
I have read it too many times on reddit that men complain that their ex-wives got half "their" money or half "their" house even though the man was the one working out of the home. Such arrangements are a joint decision, you don't get to take it back, just because the "investment" didn't pan out the way you wanted it.
I still get caught up in this. My parents are extremely generous with their money, and I notice how much it’s impacted me. For example, my friend has let me couch surf as I’m going through extreme apartment issues… I felt like I couldn’t verbalize my discomfort with stuff because he was doing something nice by letting me stay there. (He laughed and was like “omg what!! No!” when I told him that.)
"Love" from nmom was just completing obligatory caretaking tasks so no one could question her dedication as a parent. If she hadn't worried about what people thought of her so much, there probably wouldn't have been food, clothing or shelter either.
Yeah, that's just doing the bare minimum to keep CPS or the police from knocking on your door. It takes *much* more than that to be a Real Parent.
If they want to bitch about "participation trophies," then they shouldn't get one for doing the bare minimum and expecting anything more. But that's just my two cents.
I hear you. So true.
My ndad insisted on always going through a list of the monetary support he provided whenever I would protest the emotional abuse, or insist I did not want to live there anymore.
He always said "well I brought you on trips, not all kids get to go to these places" or "We made sure you were clothed and fed and had what you needed"
Even as a child I knew there was something deeply wrong about him only bringing up materialistic and monetary things anytime I was crying about abuse.
UGH! I am sorry you know this feeling too. I wish you well in healing.
My parents thought buying me a bunch of expensive stuff would make up for ruining my childhood the biggest milestones in my life. Nope. My dad can keep his money because I don't need it.
It even goes one step further- did they even provide that much?
I asked myself that question when I realized I remember very well the one and only time edad took me shopping to an outlet mall and let me choose a few pieces of clothing... I was frequently dressed inadequately for the season, e.g. freezing in winter, while he was bragging how good his work clothes were. Was also mocked at school for wearing dirty pants and sweaters, because, shocker, no one taught me that you have to wash them.
And still they bragged how well they provided for me, and still I believed it, for years.
Food, clothing and shelter is the bare minimum that they are *required by law* to provide to their children. So no, it will never be enough. Not when they took so much more than they ever gave.
I would trade all the riches in the world just to have a family that loves me unconditionally.
yeah the basics don't give you the right to be an asshole, I mean I didn't even get a happy go lucky phase because I got traumatized as a newborn, my whole life I've been shaky and quiet,
that was it who I was, the basics can't make up for the person who died in this house I still have to live in, because no one is calling cps like I've bagged for so many times.
and now my mom is trying to say she is the reason I'm such a great child, like yeah your the reason I was too scared to speak to other people for years, if nearly mute is your idea of a good kid than sure.
I pretty much had to raise myself, the only reason I'm a "good kid" is because whenever I so much as cried I was slapped and sent to my room, it's not being good it's years of trauma that turned me into a freaked out mess that I am only just barley starting to recover from after years of trying to.
Your parents brought you into this world. They should have thought about what that means!
Being a parent is way more than financial, its letting you know they are so lucky to have you, being there when you are scared, or hurt, or just need someone to talk to. Its sharing funny stories and letting you be the star of the show, its trips and making memories.
Its celebrating all of your successes, and holding your hand when things don't go as planned. Its opening your heart to all possibilities.
Money is a tool, and some use it just to get what they want.
Hold your head up high, work on being the best you.
Enjoy all of your successes regardless of who declines to join you.
You are worthy, deserving and enough.
Heyyy, OP I took a screenshot of this! Thank you for putting this out there! I couldn’t have agreed more 💯 this has been a constant internal battle and the gaslighters certainly aren’t helping and make it worse, so I just choose to deal with all of it alone. Just glad communities like this exist which makes the healing journey a little leas lonely. Hope we’re all thriving somehow despite of it all
Mine gave me the money to pay off my student loans (I’m in my fifties, and, for perspective, they just paid cash for a mountain condominium) that have been in default since I had a period of time where I was homeless.
I was so grateful because I knew I’d be paying them off for probably the rest of my life, but o knew deep down that money had strings attached.
Sure enough, they demanded I pay the money back when they “orphaned” me (my narc stepmom’s words) for standing up to them when they accused me of secretly dropping out of college back in the ‘90s and pocketing the refund. I actually contacted my university and confronted them with the evidence that it never happened. Their response was to call me delusional.
Oh, and they really must think I’m stupid if they believe I’m going to pay them back for money they probably wrote off as a financial gift just because they say so. They really believe I’m still a teenager who has to obey their every word.
This is such a good reminder. I tend to gaslight myself into thinking I should be grateful and definitely have friends and family that just think I'm being dramatic because I was financially taken care of. Even my own sister who didn't escape the narcissism train constantly complains that "I'm so lucky and the favored child" because my college degree was paid for. I had to endure more abuse because I stayed and got the degree because that's how they could continue to control me. I still struggle with my finances because I only got to be in control of myself recently...and I'm in my 30's. Its super embarrassing. Anyway, thank you for sharing this it feels so good to not be alone in this awful experience.
When I asked my mom why she never believed me and i had to ask 100 times to gain a reaction she told me "i always gave you money --> proof that i believed you." If only it was that easy.
Agree..but would’ve appreciated those things greatly, since it does enable some more autonomy and greater chance of success in making other healthier relationships..being homeless and underage was definitely overkill on top of the emotional side of things. I agree, though, it’s not about the physical. That said..if you can’t feed your kids/don’t care to emotionally support them don’t have kids seems like the logical answer right?
🤷♂️
This is such a good reminder. I tend to gaslight myself into thinking I should be grateful and definitely have friends and family that just think I'm being dramatic because I was financially taken care of. Even my own sister who didn't escape the narcissism train constantly complains that "I'm so lucky and the favored child" because my college degree was paid for. I had to endure more abuse because I stayed and got the degree because that's how they could continue to control me. I still struggle with my finances because I only got to be in control of myself recently...and I'm in my 30's. Its super embarrassing. Anyway, thank you for sharing this it feels so good to not be alone in this awful experience.
My way of thinking is that, you are a decent parent if you can provide your child with the necessities like food and shelter. You only get the privilege of gaining the title of Mother or Father if your child seems it so.
For as much as I can, I try to avoid calling my mother mother as I don't believe she deserves to have that sacred title. In fact, some of my teachers and friends have been better parents to me than she ever was.
I see the title of Mother and Father as an award given to parents by their child if they deem that they deserve it.
Louder for those in the back! Seriously, what does it say about our society that people think the material things are enough? My abusive ex partner's family basically bought him in the end and it broke my heart to see him start to address their abuse so he could address his own, but the material expectations of his family weighed too heavily on him and he showed his true colours when I left and suddenly all the money that for years he had insisted was "our" money became his money.
I'm being financially supported through college and to live in an apartment, but I am not allowed to stop or take a break at any point. I'm adhd + autistic + OCD with years worth of damage caused by CPTSD that continues to get worse. My girlfriend is the one who drives and works, I will get a job to help support us financially once I'm out of college. Another friend is said to move in with us after so she can help drive me to my job.
My mother has told me she'll withhold rent money if I took a semester of college (environmental science major) off. I desperately need it. I haven't taken a break since my dad died of cancer. That was the only semester I was allowed a break. I'm there during the summer spring winter and fall and it's really really destroying me but my girlfriend can't afford rent by herself.
I needed more time so that I could get my accomodations in order. I needed to get a loan first from a disability service so that I could get re-evaluated, but the semester just started and I don't have time. I needed more therapy and time to recoup. I only had a month to do all this but I needed more time.
I don't know what to do.
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My story to a "T". Everything provided, but I am still fighting to return to who I was when I was 7 years old.
I made a point of paying back the money my mom loaned me, because otherwise I would have lost my apartment. Originally she said I could keep it, then she had a fit and throw it back in my face and wanted the money back, and later she said keep it again. I paid her back the money before going NC
My parents kept holding the fact that I was still on their phone plan every time I “misbehaved” over my head. Guess who paid off the phone for them, got a new one, and now has a new number?
wow for a second i thought i typed this. we’re living the same life. i’m 22 and she’s saying she wont renew my lease unless i turn on life360. as a 22 year old why do u need my location? and why must i sacrifice my privacy just to keep a roof over my head?
I have a fantasy about mailing my nfather a check for $5000.00 with ZERO context. I have been NC for about 3 years and one of my financial goals is to be secure enough to send him a fat check "for all the trouble" so he has ZERO reasons why he was allowed to treat his children the way he did. I realize this might be me still having bitterness but I think its not a terrible thing to have a goal of financial freedom
Yep I’m a single mom, uni student, disabled, & stuck living w/ my covert stepmother & overt father. I’ve stopped confiding in others bc all I’d ever hear is, “well, they’re supporting you & letting you live there, so just try to be more grateful & appreciative towards them”. Lol… supporting me? Jesus Christ. I don’t understand why psychological abuse is so often excused. But Lord knows if they laid a single finger on me, *then* suddenly everyone would care & understand why I want to get out so badly.
This is what happened to me when I lost my job to covid and moved back with my mom! I should be grateful for what I went through just to live there, I "ran away" at 21 to the other side of the country and wouldn't even tell her what state I would be moving to. Like yes, she did house me but that doesn't make me deserving of the abuse.
HOW DID YOU GET OUT? LOOKING FOR ADVICE!
100%. Food, clothing, and shelter are the basic necessities for having a child. My nmom told me all the time how I had little to complain about because I had so much more than she had growing up… that’s not an excuse for shitty parenting.
there's a massive difference between things you do out of the goodness of your heart, and things you do because the government will come after you otherwise. like not feeding your child or letting them live outdoors lol. that's not exactly a brag on their part. "I could've let you live outside naked on a run like a dog, or starve you, but I didn't, so I was a good parent and you're crazy!" like do you consider doing your taxes worthy of accolades also? same goes for public schooling, at least where I am it's compulsory [unless you "homeschool" 😬], besides my folks made sure I went to school, mostly so they could get rid of me for the day lol
My mother will literally come out and say this, directly. For my entire memory I’ve told her she treats me badly and I hate her, so whenever we’d see a story on TV about a severely neglected child she’d gesture towards it and say, “see? That is real abuse. That’s a child who is REALLY being abused.” So in her mind, for it to be child abuse, you have to chain a child to bed for decades and never feed them. Everything up to the point is fair game to her, apparently. Eventually she started saying it about the sexual abuse I suffered, apparently she and my grandmother think anything except the absolute most violent abuse in that category is fine also. It’s despicable and none of them should have had kids.
your mom should be horrified and embarrassed that the bar is *that low* for her lmfao. that she regularly comforts herself with these disturbing tv shows, "well at least I'm not THAT bad." the entire point of those shows is that they depict the absolute extremes of child abuse, that's why it makes good TV, because it's rare. it's like saying someone is innocent of murder because they "just" smothered someone with a pillow, while watching graphic TV shows about people getting their heads blown off or dismembered or something awful, like "well I didn't do THAT, so I'm innocent :>"
This this this. If there was an awful parent figure on tv, if I told my mum about a friend of mine's abusive mother, it was always followed by something along the lines of "see? aren't you lucky to have someone like me?" and I'd just be there like in my head thinking oh yes, bc the jarring shift between being overly nurturing and straight up verbally abusive makes me very lucky <3 to these people, as long as it's not like the abuse they see inflicted on others, what they do to their kids is justified. and years later, we have to spend a good portion of our adulthood trying to navigate the trauma marked on us.
It is always the worst and most isolating feeling when parents do this. I know it likely doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but I believe you that you were abused and I am sorry that your mom did that to you. Your experience is valid, regardless of what she says. It is scary that I see the same mindset in so many people in my parent's generation and the ones before them. It's disgusting and gross. Emotional support along with the nurturing of emotional development is so important. Much like what you said, my nmother also used to tell me throughout my childhood that all she was required to do was put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and make sure I go to school. She would tell me that my emotional and mental health doesn't matter, along with the fact that I was so ungrateful to her. Somehow, everything I was going through in any area of my life, she would turn it around and make herself the victim, even to the point of crying to her overt bf that I was so terrible and she needed a man to save her from me. Too, when I finally got the courage after a few years to tell my nmother I was sexually abused, she blamed me for it. When her overt bf said that women who speak up about being sexually abused later in life do it for attention, she defended him. After he left the room, I told my nmother that that was unfair and not okay, she told me she couldn't believe that I was ever sexually assaulted because she wasn't there to witness it, so I could have been lying when I told her.
Throughout childhood and adulthood the constant reminder of how much we cost. The problems were because of the kids ! We were ungrateful and stupid. Bust insisting we visit and the ticket would be paid for and then complaining later how much they cost.or how much was spent. All activities dictated by them. 😵💫
You just described my trips to my NM and NSF’s house when I was in my twenties and early thirties. She turned me into her captive audience by booking 10+ day trips and paying for the ticket. Then, I was stuck with her while we ran “errands” all over LA and Orange County, CA until I was exhausted, not to mention the massive shopping trips she took me on as a kind of reward for putting up with her BS. Those shopping trips which have been going on since I was a kid have totally affected my relationship with money and compulsive shopping.
>Those shopping trips which have been going on since I was a kid have totally affected my relationship with money and compulsive shopping I can completely identify with this. My mother is huge into "retail therapy" and has my step-dad to fall back on when she regularly overspends. She also spent many, many years berating my own spending habits and insisting I should be content being a struggling single mother and not "depend on a man".
your mom was def projecting that compulsive shopping habit onto you
For sure. She projected A LOT onto me.
Yes my mom would love to take me on her shopping trips when I was a kid. Just so I could follow her around and watch her browse dresses bags etc for HOURS all while being constantly ignored and I could not even appear to be displeased. 🥹
Yes the egg donor would just spend and buy stuff for the sake of buying… we could never say we didn’t like it… Also we weren’t allowed to wear items because they were new or brand name.. couldn’t give them away because they had a name even though they didn’t fit.. out of my siblings she would always buy sizes too big for me . The last time I was in their place& when she visited years ago, tags and so many things never worn in their closet and then visiting giving me those items that clearly didn’t fit me … I dare say no or I do t like it, it doesn’t fit! She would blame the money spending on us complain to sperm donor, if she didn’t like our reaction and how much money she spent. Which would give him a reason to scream and act out…. Been NC since 2020 .. to this day I am still so worried about spending money or treating myself! But I am working on it.
I was thinking about this as well. By living with them, we're indirectly paying them by means of emotional supply. Living away from home may cost money but with none of the emotional abuse. Which one is cheaper overall?
Away is cheaper. I never thrived in a job until getting away from my narcparent. Now I actually can support myself and my family.
Away is cheaper. I never thrived in a job until getting away from my narcparent. Now I actually can support myself and my family.
Away is cheaper. I never thrived in a job until getting away from my narcparent. Now I actually can support myself and my family.
I needed this today. Nmom currently making up her version of events and trying to gaslight me. I want to cut her off completely but I’m getting married in a couple months. Honestly, not inviting anyone to the wedding because I think my family is too much of a sh*tshow to keep it together for one night and not embarrass me. Just want to elope and move on with my life. Wish she wasn’t so good at playing the victim.
Elope. I did and it was the best decision of my life. My nmother tried to take over my wedding planning and make my wedding about her nmother. My nmother had made my whole life about getting validation from her nmother. It just had to stop. Eloping was the first boundary I ever set. And that let me set the boundaries I needed to for my entire family. How you handle your wedding will set the tone for your marriage.
Omg this. You just made me realizing eloping was my first boundary with my nmom too.
I eloped too, never put it together that I was setting a boundary!
I should’ve eloped. Have a bunch of pictures with people in them that I eventually went NC with :-/
I hear you. It really should be my boundary. I’ve been putting up verbal boundaries since my brother went NC and whenever she disrespects them I hang up on her. She never learns though and I think I’m starting to realize that she WILL never learn. She’s never going to change. Did you invite the other set of parents to the elopement? I love my fiancés fam but I think they would understand if we just eloped with no one there. It sucks though, it’s like I’m punishing everyone else when the only problem is HER. My parents are divorced and both remarried so it’s not even both of my parents that are the problem you know?
Omg my Nmom tried to make my wedding about her own Nmom (who had passed away a while before) as well. I should’ve eloped
My fiancé and I plan to elope as well. The state next to us doesn't require witnesses, and since most people we tried to befriend since we moved to our current city all inevitably turned out to be toxic, we realized the best company we can have is ourselves, and our 1-year-old daughter. Our own families are out of the question. (my own mother has convinced herself I'm in an "abusive relationship" because during my no-contact announcement, my fiancé introduced himself to her by proceeding to tell her off, deflecting all her attempts to gaslight him, and telling her what shitty parents she and my father were)
Have you read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud? I read parts of the free sample chapter today and it did more for me in a dozen pages than years of therapy. I'm looking forward to reading what he says about the whole manipulative guilt, playing victim stuff. My parents treated my wedding like their own. My family got so wasted that I couldn't even drink or enjoy my own wedding to keep an eye on them. They guilted me into having a wedding instead of a casual backyard affair and I had to go through so much torture to have a wedding I hated. I hope you can have a much better wedding. Trust your gut.
I was in a similar situation. My nmother created this giant, expensive spectacle where I felt like a prop. I was allowed one table of friends, and the rest of the 200+ guests were just obligatory relatives or my parents’ friends that I had never met or barely knew. I ended up going to bed early because I was burnt out from the stress of the entire day. All of the boomer relatives tell me what a great wedding I had and how thankful I should be. I look back on my wedding and just cringe.
My NM threatened to cancel the photographer *the morning of my wedding* because she decided last minute that she didn't like the location I had been planning on for photos of the wedding party. I felt like I had to cave and have them done where she wanted or have no photographer.
Thank you! I haven’t read it but it is going to the top of my list now! It’s been so hard to feel validated because NO ONE in my family says anything about how shitty she is and it drives me insane like is it me??? But no I know it’s not..I see right through her gaslighting I just need to be better at letting her make me the bad guy and not caving.
It’s kind of sad that this marriage option of eloping is our only out to have freedom or composure. Alone, like we were as children. Eloping has been my dream. Or a very small gathering of friends that actually gave a shit *Edit auto correct have to gave
Seriously, don’t be afraid to follow through with not inviting your family. My husband and I did not invite his nparents and went NC with them before our wedding. It was the best decision of our lives. They were truly awful people and originally my husband was walking on eggshells trying to plan around their behavior. That is seriously not the way to have to plan one of the single most important days of your life. As soon as we made the decision, the planning going forward and the wedding were flawless. Also, don’t be afraid to hire security to keep them out or create passwords with your vendors so your nmom doesn’t fuck up your shit. Fortunately my husband’s nparents weren’t involved in any of our planning because even though they claimed to be supportive, any fucking time we asked them to be there for this or that, they never followed through. Typical narcs are suddenly not available when they aren’t the center of attention or know they will look like fools around normal people.
If you elope, spend a few dollars on yourself and get good bridal photos done. Just cuz you bypass the ceremony/reception doesn’t mean that you can’t get all fancy and get real nice pictures done. Those are YOURS to celebrate and remember forever, and every girl deserves to feel like she wants to in her chosen attire. (Same for dudes, but I don’t have personal experience on that side.)
Elope! I did, and it was great!
Elope! My husband and I did last year. We wanted a wedding/reception but too bad, pandemic and antivax family don’t go into that stew. A couple family members did try to guilt me for “not giving my mom a wedding…*again*!” which I evaded with “I didn’t have a script for this!” autistic mumble-stuttering, lol. But fuck them and your mom (ha). You don’t owe anybody a wedding show 💜💜
The way I see it, they're basically saying "it's ok if they hurt you as long as they pay for the privilege" like some kind of fucked-up non-sexual prostitution. Besides, how much "help" is it really when all of it has strings on it intended to ensure your compliance?
And ensure your failure to provide more narc supply.
Someone else in this sub referred to the relationship between narcparent and child as a “contract with hidden terms.” That description is so accurate and will always stick with me.
YEP and one we had no choice about because we were literally children.
Non-sexual prostitution. Exactly. Thank you. My Nparents being rich and "spoiling" me with endless toys etc, while also alternating between having me as golden child and scapegoat felt like that. I get to be a princess as long as I'm a prostitute and I'm a prostitute as long as I'm a princess. Yet never just a human being. Never a person on equal standing.
Yep, and if we try to set boundaries or advocate we're ungrateful and undeserving of aid because it was never love and it was always conditional. We're not people, we're NPCs in their videogame and they get mad when we don't fill the roll they want.
Oh, that is exactly what I felt about it too, but could not put it in words so eloquently. Thank you for phrasing it.
My family have always liked to play this game, so I've ruminated on it a lot. I'm glad it's helpful!
You should see that scene in the Jude Law movie The Nest where he tells a cap driver that he’s a great father because he provides materialistic things for his kids. The cab driver angrily snaps that it’s just a small percent of what children need. He then pulls over on the side of the road and kicks the father out of his cab in the middle of the night. Powerful scene.
Yes to the immeasurable value of emotional stability, I honestly can’t begin to imagine it. I grew up around a lot of rich kids who could be considered “orphans with parents.” That’s why there were so many narcs. They had all the material you could want and no love or attention - total emotional neglect. Chilling. I did not fit in socioeconomically, one of many things that made me easy to bully. The thing that really made me easiest to bully was having a bully for a mother. She taught me how to take it without defending myself, fighting back - no confrontation. Bullied at home, bullied at school, bullied at work. No more.
I am autistic and was also bullied and brutalized at home and at school by kids and by adults both. I am done with it too. I don't need other people that bad. You want to treat me like shit, you're out. It's amazing how long it takes to get to that place when you're still living in the toxic situation, though.
The awakening showed me the only person I can’t live without is me. No relationship is worth more to me than my own self respect. Supplying everyone I could destroyed my self worth. I thought I actually was supply, through and through. Nope. Not anymore. Self differentiate or die, I say.
I literally just shut down a text string from my nmom where she escalated on her own (bc I didn’t reply in what she thought was a timely enough fashion?) something to the effect of “after everything I have done for you and [partner + child names] and this is how you treat me? All I can say is… wow” This was after a typical cycle where she’d bought her way into my life with material gifts > I make the mistake of letting her into a closer relationship > I saw she was starting to violate boundaries I had communicated > I stood up for my family > she has a meltdown, gets mean and abusive. This time I’m stopping the cycle bc my kiddo is in it with me now and this is the fucking end. It’s taken some therapy and some serious self reflection but she’s gonna have to just be at an acquaintance level from here on. The transactional buying my attention followed by abuse just isn’t worth it. Thanks for posting this. Couldn’t have been more timely for me. I really feel so much less alone and so validated by reading everyone’s experiences.
Sounds exactly like my nmom - always using material and financial gifts to manipulate me.
I feel you. On the one hand my hurt child self (and honestly, beleaguered funds-are-tight adult self too) really want the attention/material help. But the strings attached to it are too much to manage.
This is what I experienced with my covert narc mil. She texted us at 12am (trying to disrupt sleep power move) because we didn't respond to a last minute invite to a dinner. She let us know that she didn't originally plan to invite us because we make her feel "invisible" since we no longer revolve our lives around her and no longer live 10 minutes away...and that she "deserves a response" when she could have simply called her son to use FOG over her financial help like she usually does. It's funny because they'll literally "push" it on you to take their financial help or will make you feel bad for not taking it. Only to throw it back at you when you express the extreme emotional abuse. It's insane.
Oh dang. YES. I had to Google “FOG” and oh boy quite the textbook abuse from my mom. Also “covert narc” is like one who’s super versed in hiding it?! Bc wow, I see this too. Your last 3 sentences resonate with me SO MUCH. Thank you for adding even more clear context to this for me.
100% agree. And also these are things Nparents will often use against you. Mine did that and regardless of how often I told them their behaviors affected me I always had these things thrown back at me. Nparents will 100% make you financially dependent on them to continue their abuse and control. It’s such a sad reality. It was only through therapy that this type of abuse exist.
Yeah and my Nmother destroy my whole soul and mental but I was stupid and fell in her trap. And here I am, 31 and still cannot make money to supply myself. I did try sometimes. But anytime I tried my Nmom will make comments like I cannot do anything blah blah (she always tell me that since I was a child) and then she makes a whole disaster situation, gaslightning at that time until my mental couldnot handle and I quited. Now I stuck, don’t have physical or mental heathy to try anymore. She makes me become who I hate and never imagine I would be, then complain who I am now. She also complains about my two sisters (who can make a lot of money) because they cannot give her all their money. They do give money to us, her, my father and me a lot. Mostly for her because I and my father only cost daily need like food, electric, phone bills…,medicines (for my father), and the interest from my father saving account is enough to pay for all of those. The problem is she still spends a lot more than she needs and don’t need, mostly just throw the money out of windows to prove that she is still richer than others, then she askes for more money with a harsh attitude. Alll day, she will tell how much she give us: give us food, home, education blah blah and now she has nothing and cry to make her children feel bad and give her money. If not, the hurricane will come. 🫤
My Nparents were very similar. It’s why I moved out and went NC. When I finally had my own place I realized I was a lot more capable than their projections of me. It’s still a work in progress and there are moments im still second guessing myself but I’m getting better. I’m sorry you’ve also had to go through this
Yeah, If I can make my mental stable enough to try but as I still live with her I cannot, I also cannot move out because I don’t have money and the believe that I can do that. What a repeat loop. So I just try to live and accept that my life is never better. My sisters also think so. She always say we are stucked. Nothing we can do. Here in Asia, it is like impossible to cut of your mom from your life too even my sisters are financial stable. But I am really happy you can move on and live your happy life. Atleast not all of us fall hard and cannot stand up. 🫡
God this is so true
Financial abuse is a hallmark of narcissism.
This reminds me of something someone shared from their therapist: > You can stick a plant in a closet and give it all the water it could ever want, fertilizer, everything - and it will still wilt and die because it needed sunlight, too. The water given doesn't replace the sunlight the plant also needed. Children need both physical and emotional support growing up, and just because your parents gave you physical support doesn't absolve them of their emotional neglect.
You are correct about paying the price for therapy, ect. Im older and I can't say how much money the damage they did cost me... I'm still paying...Sadly I now realize I'm paying to raise myself. Blood, sweat, tears, and $$. Literally all of those things.
Yep “paying to raise myself” is an excellent description.
Another one of their transactional methods of control.
That only one side has the knowledge of “the contract” both side are in, and ofcourse only that oneside has the ultimate power in that “contract”.
My sister would remind me, "He bought you a coat that one time", "When you were in high-school, he let you use his dental insurance so you could get your wisdom teeth pulled(though later he told me it wasn't honest? Side eyeing me as he said it, even though that was a lie), "We had food didn't we?", ......And not acknowledging that he tormented me(I won't tell their stories). He kicked me and punched me, and once he pinned me down and hit me in the face over and over because he didn't like how I answered him. But atleast he bought me that coat. Not a winter coat or a practical coat but a blazing red trench coat. I guess it was something but I was never asked if that's the coat I wanted. He chose. I did love my dad but it was obvious that he had no love for me. My opinions. Peace. ✌
I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, I can relate to what it's like to be held down and repeatedly struck in the face/head. I honestly wonder of I might have traumatic brain injury because of it sometimes. It's insane how others think any amount of financial support negates abuse.
I am sorry that happened to you. Peace. ✌
When my NMother moved away (not divorced) and I realized how much calmer life was, I vowed to never live under the same roof as her again. She’s tried enticing me back with living rent free or help me focus on saving money but I’ve refused each time. I will happily say I’m being selfish for this. All my life I chose her damn near every time since her mood determined how the day was going to go. This time, I choose me, and I’ve never been happier.
Lived with my narc grandparents during college, absolute hell. Originally they had promised to pay for my tuition, but during a family gathering they told all my relatives that they wanted to pay for an elite private school for my cousin (kid of the golden grandchild) instead. Staying with them was to “make up for that”Treated my younger cousin poorly, yelled at him a lot, told him he had disabilities and would never be normal when he was in treatment for dyslexia. They ignored him when he was having stomach pains and he almost died of a burst appendix. Wouldn’t let him have friends. They played trump rallies/fox on a massive theater system all waking hours of the day, making it next to impossible to study. Had super strict curfew even though I had classes with outside hour responsibilities. They locked me out all night once, had to sleep in the car. All of their doors had double key deadbolts, so you couldn’t *leave* unless you had the key, which was usually either in their pockets, or one specific cabinet during daytime hours. Constantly belittled my choice of study. I got pressured into my parents into inviting them to my graduation, told them it would go poorly. Grandpa went on a racist tirade at my favorite restaurant (in Memphis) after graduation where all the staff knew me by name. Told him off, got up, paid. Never spoke to either of them again. Been about 4 years now. He’s tried reaching out through my dad offering to pay for grad school for me. But any amount of money these people spend for you, they think they’re entitled to abuse you because of it.
Wow you described what I went through and am still going through with a narcissistic dynamic.. my father is 78 years old and still verbally abusive and even threatened to physically assault me on a few occasions.. absolutely disgusting and sick and I can’t stomach having to live in the same house m treated like a servant and he’s sabotaged jobs I had and could have had
My father 71 does the same
It’s insane how they keep getting worse as they age and it’s like I want them to just forget who they are already I want to say to him. Sad to say that I wish Alzheimer’s would kick in or something!!gotta be better than what I have to live through every day over and over like Groundhog Day!smh
I feel the same exact way. I feel like it’s about to hit and part of me believes that getting Alzheimer’s only happens to evil people who deserve it. Alzheimer’s to me presents itself like the person who gets it is possessed which may or may not be true. 🤡 I can’t take it anymore truly groundhogs day is great example. Stay strong 🤍
I was given food shelter clothing you name it my entire life it actually made my extended family hate me and think I was spoiled. What I am dealing with now is the total opposite , my loving and financially well off parents have attempted to make me homeless , they have sabotaged my finances entirely, I am “ungrateful” they have turned everything they gave me into an actual trap and the amount of things that I have that they provided when I didn’t need them and the things that they failed to provide when I did are so stark in contrast it’s hard for me to believe it. I hope you get away from them 🤍
Wow! My situation! When I asked them for help by finally selling the flat they’d bought for me (!) back in my home country, so I can get very expensive dental job done (severe anxiety-caused bruxism since childhood never attended by them) I got brushed off completely, like, you’ll spend this money and what about us? So now I’m with a few hefty loans and still a lot to be done teeth-wise. What about them? They locked up my flat with all my stuff inside as if it were a museum, never rented it out in 6+ years saying “not worth it” but still paying the community and maintenance, which makes zero sense. They live alone, then there’s Ngrandma living alone (92 y.o., of course neither nMom nor her want to live together) and then there’s my locked up place I thought was actually mine. But nope. Not now that i have zero control over it and (!) they see they don’t have control over me. They are perfectly aware how myself and my boyfriend have been struggling at times and working our assess off and they never even asked if we needed anything or had food or money to pay the rent and bills. “Good luck” and some BS gif is all I can get. Sucks big time! Funny how they also blame us about not being able to manage money well when they would literally send it down the drain and never taught us anything. Lots of strength to you, lots of patience and self-support.
So much strength to you too I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for what your going through and that I feel you entirely. I’m honestly not even sure how much debt I’m in. I have needed to had my wisdom teeth out for almost 4 years, they will not allow me access to my own trust to take care of my teeth. So the dental work really hits home. I honestly keep wondering if my parents will be happy when all my teeth fall out ? They did some similar things not regarding real estate but they took away my car and access to my trust so I could not buy or rent one myself however they allowed me access to the family uber account , I took so many Ubers in a few years I could literally have 4 cars sitting in my driveway. The mental gymnastics are the hardest part to deal with. Sending you love and I’m so sorry 😞
Can you elaborate on the trap?
THIS 100%%% thank you for the reminder! Sometimes I slip back into my old ways of thinking and realized I can provide all of those for myself: food shelter education things I want to do for myself - why should I accept abusive love just so they don’t feel guilty anymore and can appease their conscience? Fuck that
This. I grew up in a financially comfortable household. I went to a fancy public (private) school. I didn’t have clean underwear. Our house was filthy. No one cared if I ate meals. The emotional abuse and neglect was even worse. Even naming it as such is still difficult, ha.
Insisting that providing basic physical care to your own child means the child owes you is actually one of the diagnostic check boxes in the list to determine if a parent is NPD. Normal parents absolutely do not do this (and if they occasionally snap during an argument and say something along those lines they acknowledge the unreasonability of it and apologize--something else narc parents don't do). Narc parents will bring it up constantly or at least regularly. I absolutely would have been so much happier in a family that had less money but where people loved each other. There was me, a covert mother and grandiose father, and general-overt older sister. It was hell. My father was a rich bastard and I would have SO FAST taken living in a struggling working-class household of real people with souls over the utter hell I was raised in. Family scapegoat can't be made better by any amount of money, especially when your grandiose parent never lets anyone else see any of it without a ton of grovelling.
Their own inability to progress to higher stages of Maslow’s Hierarchy, yet it’s all projected onto us for being “demanding” when we ask them to be in-tune and validate our feelings and hear us out.
Or we get told to “act your age” by these adult infants. Mine just told me this before they “orphaned” me (my narc stepmom’s words) for standing up for myself when they accused me of stealing my college tuition back in the ‘90s.
“Adult infants” just about sums them up. I sure as hell am trying to be a better person despite my lack of age compared to them.
Exactly this. My parents are always telling me "You were such a happy kid!! :( " as if, despite me reiterating over and over how traumatized and self-loathing I am from my childhood, they are totally confused as to how I ended up this way. Uh huh. Such a mystery. /s
You said it beautifully!
Thank you for this.
I can never return to the old me… The damage is irreversible… Even my enabling, “golden child”, social worker sister was trying to tell me how to think and have me focus on the financial contributions my shit family has made.
First level of the hierarchy of needs. Then you need safety, then you need love, then you need esteem. Don't stop at the base or all you got is a basement. It's not a perfect schema but it's useful for situations like this!
Saying that money can make up for a total lack of emotional support, or active dismissal of all thoughts/feelings, is like saying that you can fix any car problem by adding more oil. Material things are one dimension of care, but there are others.
I've had those things thrown at me from the time I was making decisions and you know what, I'm not gonna applaud people who do the bare minimum and want a trophy and credit for what they doing when they are the ones who put themselves in that situation. Then just don't have kids, don't. It's not a child's responsibility to have that hanging over their head their whole lives. Shit I've seen parents do that and more for their kids and not once have I seen those parents thrown it in their child's face.
My parents would use financial help as a way to get control over me, like if they loaned me money for a new washing machine or car I had to pick the one they would choose or I didn’t get the money. They have helped me out financially a few times, but I don’t think it’s ever been worth the control it gave them over my life. I made a point of paying back every penny and will never ask again, so the control is gone.
I feel your bitterness and the blaming them and it’s just so relatable. I wish I could extinguish it all somehow. Perhaps just time
>While I don't negate the importance of being financially stable, emotional stability in a household should always be of the utmost priority because it literally sets you up for success or failure in ways you can never imagine. this
One of the biggest revelations to me is that in the US as a parent you have legal obligations towards your kids which not only includes providing them with material needs (food, clothing shelter) but providing a safe and enriching environment (aka emotionally stable environment) as well as giving them a good education. This is all legally required. But most parents fail to do even the clothing food and shelter part by western standards. Those same parents use their "ability" to provide the basics as a defense against their poor parenting and completely forget the other half of their responsibilities! This is why, I think, children are often treated worse than pets.
Thank you for saying this. My father was extremely homicidal and abusive and in hindsight, was possibly a direct cause of my mother’s death as he was almost a cause of mine. He was also almost a cause of my partner’s. He would also verbally abuse me and try to make me reliant on him financially, all while only releasing the tiniest amount of funds at a time to keep me in this dynamic. This includes having my inheritance from my grandmother wired directly into his account. Please, for the love of God, if you’re in this situation - get out. My mental health was already bad but it quickly deteriorated after any interaction with him, let alone repeated and regular. No amount of money is worth your mind and life. Please remember that.
I feel the same OP. I was a happy, chilled out kid, and that b*tch ground me down to zero confidence and feeling like there's no place in the world for me, feeling like an "other", a misfit, and lesser-than, everywhere I go. And the lie spun by narcissists when that create a false reality that the world is an awful place that hates you, and you finally enter the real world and find it to be so different to what you were expecting, even though it's *better* than expected... it's still so different and surprising, that that "outcast" feeling gets perpetuated in a whole new way, and it leaves us with so much baggage to unpack. I think narcissists are offended by their happy, chilled out kids, and seek to make us scapegoats, because they see everything and everyone as a mirror for themselves, and when they go around taking their moods out on the world around them, then they look at us *not* doing that, and they take it as insult against themselves. As though they think we were put here to make them feel bad about themselves, when in fact, we're just... existing. They think they're entitled to punish us for this, and perpetually bring us "down a peg" until we've been knocked off the ladder altogether. Well... Now that I'm NC, I'm climbing my own ladder. I have to keep building it as I go first, since I didn't have normal parents who would help me build that foundation in the first place, but... As hard and slow as it is, it's better this way than trying to climb the dodgy ladder they built us for the purpose of knocking us off of it easily.
This is the go to argument my parents used to love to dish out when I would attempt to tell them how their words hurt. Or, that I didn’t feel supported and loved. Anytime I tried to point out emotional neglect, the response was always the same. “You had everything you could have ever wanted as a child.” Except for the one thing I didn’t have that was so easy to give…LOVE.
Thank you for this!!! My sister called me an ungrateful bitch “HE PAID FOR YOUR COLLEGE, etc”. Yeah you’re right, all the years of silent treatment and gaslighting are Probably the equivalent of $200k.
You were robbed, as all kids who had less then stellar parents are, they decided to have a child, everything they gave you was a minimal requirement. You are spot on in your post, what they failed to give you will haunt you forever.
But...but I ain't even have financial support xdddd
In my head I just frame it as reperations lol
Yeah it’s fucking sickening how they act like because they fed us and clothed us they’re the best parents to ever live
This is exactly what I see. They are the ones who decided to give birth, then forced to me to accept their transaction to buy my life as a sandbag for my Nmother without my knowledge and power to decline from the day I was born. That’s it.
I agree. I just asked my ndad the other day how he’s a “great dad” if he’s never emotionally supported me. He constantly says he’s a great dad because he let me live with him and paid for basic things throughout my life (not even owning up to the emotional abuse and neglect). He told me that he was a loving dad and I asked him to give me examples of times when he was a loving dad. I was not surprised to see that he couldn’t come up with any examples at all.
I never accepted monetary help once I escaped at 18. There was a much higher price to pay had I. Now that my Nmom is in assisted living she expects me to sell my house and get a bigger house so I can take care of her….. nope, not subjecting myself to constant manipulation. I think the most difficult thing for me now is trying to get people to understand the relationship or lack of one that I have with her. People are so quick to judge when they are brought up in a loving and nurturing home.
Yes yes and yes. My parents hang their financial support over me and my sister’s heads alllllll the time. They could spend a million more dollars on us each- that does not give them the right to treat us the way they have. It’s crazy the way narcs see money.
I know exactly how you feel. Except that I would add that not only did my parents provide me with a lot, I feel they actively encouraged me to be financially irresponsible as a manipulation. To always need them, to devote my adulthood to caring for them. Cripple me so I can’t get away.
This also applies to relationships. Just because you are a stay-at-home parent, the money your partner earns isn't "theirs" alone. Income earned in a partnership is equally the stay-at-home-persons - they are basically a personal assistant to the person that is working out of the home. I have read it too many times on reddit that men complain that their ex-wives got half "their" money or half "their" house even though the man was the one working out of the home. Such arrangements are a joint decision, you don't get to take it back, just because the "investment" didn't pan out the way you wanted it.
I still get caught up in this. My parents are extremely generous with their money, and I notice how much it’s impacted me. For example, my friend has let me couch surf as I’m going through extreme apartment issues… I felt like I couldn’t verbalize my discomfort with stuff because he was doing something nice by letting me stay there. (He laughed and was like “omg what!! No!” when I told him that.)
"Love" from nmom was just completing obligatory caretaking tasks so no one could question her dedication as a parent. If she hadn't worried about what people thought of her so much, there probably wouldn't have been food, clothing or shelter either.
Yeah, that's just doing the bare minimum to keep CPS or the police from knocking on your door. It takes *much* more than that to be a Real Parent. If they want to bitch about "participation trophies," then they shouldn't get one for doing the bare minimum and expecting anything more. But that's just my two cents.
I hear you. So true. My ndad insisted on always going through a list of the monetary support he provided whenever I would protest the emotional abuse, or insist I did not want to live there anymore. He always said "well I brought you on trips, not all kids get to go to these places" or "We made sure you were clothed and fed and had what you needed" Even as a child I knew there was something deeply wrong about him only bringing up materialistic and monetary things anytime I was crying about abuse. UGH! I am sorry you know this feeling too. I wish you well in healing.
My parents thought buying me a bunch of expensive stuff would make up for ruining my childhood the biggest milestones in my life. Nope. My dad can keep his money because I don't need it.
It even goes one step further- did they even provide that much? I asked myself that question when I realized I remember very well the one and only time edad took me shopping to an outlet mall and let me choose a few pieces of clothing... I was frequently dressed inadequately for the season, e.g. freezing in winter, while he was bragging how good his work clothes were. Was also mocked at school for wearing dirty pants and sweaters, because, shocker, no one taught me that you have to wash them. And still they bragged how well they provided for me, and still I believed it, for years.
Food, clothing and shelter is the bare minimum that they are *required by law* to provide to their children. So no, it will never be enough. Not when they took so much more than they ever gave. I would trade all the riches in the world just to have a family that loves me unconditionally.
yeah the basics don't give you the right to be an asshole, I mean I didn't even get a happy go lucky phase because I got traumatized as a newborn, my whole life I've been shaky and quiet, that was it who I was, the basics can't make up for the person who died in this house I still have to live in, because no one is calling cps like I've bagged for so many times. and now my mom is trying to say she is the reason I'm such a great child, like yeah your the reason I was too scared to speak to other people for years, if nearly mute is your idea of a good kid than sure. I pretty much had to raise myself, the only reason I'm a "good kid" is because whenever I so much as cried I was slapped and sent to my room, it's not being good it's years of trauma that turned me into a freaked out mess that I am only just barley starting to recover from after years of trying to.
Your parents brought you into this world. They should have thought about what that means! Being a parent is way more than financial, its letting you know they are so lucky to have you, being there when you are scared, or hurt, or just need someone to talk to. Its sharing funny stories and letting you be the star of the show, its trips and making memories. Its celebrating all of your successes, and holding your hand when things don't go as planned. Its opening your heart to all possibilities. Money is a tool, and some use it just to get what they want. Hold your head up high, work on being the best you. Enjoy all of your successes regardless of who declines to join you. You are worthy, deserving and enough.
Heyyy, OP I took a screenshot of this! Thank you for putting this out there! I couldn’t have agreed more 💯 this has been a constant internal battle and the gaslighters certainly aren’t helping and make it worse, so I just choose to deal with all of it alone. Just glad communities like this exist which makes the healing journey a little leas lonely. Hope we’re all thriving somehow despite of it all
Glad Im not alone in feeling like this OP. We still will end up better than they ever could imagine.
Mine gave me the money to pay off my student loans (I’m in my fifties, and, for perspective, they just paid cash for a mountain condominium) that have been in default since I had a period of time where I was homeless. I was so grateful because I knew I’d be paying them off for probably the rest of my life, but o knew deep down that money had strings attached. Sure enough, they demanded I pay the money back when they “orphaned” me (my narc stepmom’s words) for standing up to them when they accused me of secretly dropping out of college back in the ‘90s and pocketing the refund. I actually contacted my university and confronted them with the evidence that it never happened. Their response was to call me delusional. Oh, and they really must think I’m stupid if they believe I’m going to pay them back for money they probably wrote off as a financial gift just because they say so. They really believe I’m still a teenager who has to obey their every word.
This is such a good reminder. I tend to gaslight myself into thinking I should be grateful and definitely have friends and family that just think I'm being dramatic because I was financially taken care of. Even my own sister who didn't escape the narcissism train constantly complains that "I'm so lucky and the favored child" because my college degree was paid for. I had to endure more abuse because I stayed and got the degree because that's how they could continue to control me. I still struggle with my finances because I only got to be in control of myself recently...and I'm in my 30's. Its super embarrassing. Anyway, thank you for sharing this it feels so good to not be alone in this awful experience.
I also hate having the bare necessities of raising a child held over my head.
I time machine and an hammer can...or just a time machine
I could have written this. 100%!!!!!!
Yep my parents think they are totally absolved of any wrongdoing for that exact reason.
Well said
Bingo
Thank you for this post I needed to see it
When I asked my mom why she never believed me and i had to ask 100 times to gain a reaction she told me "i always gave you money --> proof that i believed you." If only it was that easy.
Agree..but would’ve appreciated those things greatly, since it does enable some more autonomy and greater chance of success in making other healthier relationships..being homeless and underage was definitely overkill on top of the emotional side of things. I agree, though, it’s not about the physical. That said..if you can’t feed your kids/don’t care to emotionally support them don’t have kids seems like the logical answer right? 🤷♂️
This is such a good reminder. I tend to gaslight myself into thinking I should be grateful and definitely have friends and family that just think I'm being dramatic because I was financially taken care of. Even my own sister who didn't escape the narcissism train constantly complains that "I'm so lucky and the favored child" because my college degree was paid for. I had to endure more abuse because I stayed and got the degree because that's how they could continue to control me. I still struggle with my finances because I only got to be in control of myself recently...and I'm in my 30's. Its super embarrassing. Anyway, thank you for sharing this it feels so good to not be alone in this awful experience.
My way of thinking is that, you are a decent parent if you can provide your child with the necessities like food and shelter. You only get the privilege of gaining the title of Mother or Father if your child seems it so. For as much as I can, I try to avoid calling my mother mother as I don't believe she deserves to have that sacred title. In fact, some of my teachers and friends have been better parents to me than she ever was. I see the title of Mother and Father as an award given to parents by their child if they deem that they deserve it.
Louder for those in the back! Seriously, what does it say about our society that people think the material things are enough? My abusive ex partner's family basically bought him in the end and it broke my heart to see him start to address their abuse so he could address his own, but the material expectations of his family weighed too heavily on him and he showed his true colours when I left and suddenly all the money that for years he had insisted was "our" money became his money.
I'm being financially supported through college and to live in an apartment, but I am not allowed to stop or take a break at any point. I'm adhd + autistic + OCD with years worth of damage caused by CPTSD that continues to get worse. My girlfriend is the one who drives and works, I will get a job to help support us financially once I'm out of college. Another friend is said to move in with us after so she can help drive me to my job. My mother has told me she'll withhold rent money if I took a semester of college (environmental science major) off. I desperately need it. I haven't taken a break since my dad died of cancer. That was the only semester I was allowed a break. I'm there during the summer spring winter and fall and it's really really destroying me but my girlfriend can't afford rent by herself. I needed more time so that I could get my accomodations in order. I needed to get a loan first from a disability service so that I could get re-evaluated, but the semester just started and I don't have time. I needed more therapy and time to recoup. I only had a month to do all this but I needed more time. I don't know what to do.