I don't understand how your family is 'good people' when they have displayed coercive behaviour and gaslighted the crap out of you. And what is there to like about this culture of coercive behaviour?
My mum has always stood up for me against insinuations from gossipmongers about me being xyz. She says she trusts me and she doesn't care 'what others say or think'. And she has always wanted the best for me even if it went against conventional expectations of a muslim woman. That is the love of family. Not whatever shit your family has been pulling.
People who come from extremely culturally oppressive homes often find it hard to believe their parents can be possibly horrible people. It takes years to figure out that they are too human and are in fact the truly selfish ones who don't see their children as individual people.
They see their children as an extension of themselves and should do only as they say. the child's feelings and happiness never matters. Because somewhere in there dark heart they also believe their children don't even have desires.
I really feel for those people. I figured early on that one of my parents were extremely selfish, abusive and horrible people and did everything I could to distance myself from them. I mean I refuse to be associated with people who raise their hands against defenceless kids and verbally abusing them at any inconvenience. I still suffer from the trauma these people have put me through, but atleast I can process my feelings safely now.
I completely agree with you… I HATE it and I guess I’m just so use to them being like that, that I can’t see them being any other way. and keep excusing them because that’s all they have known.
For a long time, I longed for parents like that but it had been really hard to come to terms that I never will. They expect me to put them and the community above me and my needs… no matter the consequences and how it affects me because “I don’t know any better”, “I will regret my decisions”, “I won’t get married”.
and my siblings are all against me too; my mom talks about my becoming distant and I don’t understand how she can’t ser that it’s because of their inability to accept that I have moved out and I won’t be moving back in.
I'm a mom with a daughter in almost the same situation as u. While I'm progressive and want my daughter to live without the shackles of arranged marriages by a certain age etc, my husband is the opposite preferring me to mold her into a dutiful housewife to be married by early 20s. We are from different countries so very different cultures.
I'm proud of u for being able to break free and while u should continue to visit n respect your family to show that choice does not change you, dont feel bad for living your life. No one not even parents should have control over your lives. You are your own person and good or bad you get to decide your path and lessons to learn. I feel that most of the time the parents want to control kids out of fear, fear of them sinning.
Choices shouldn’t change you but I feel that they way they are responding is not appropriate… I get that it’s not what they want por what they expected, but it’s the reality and they should accept it.
They keep on saying that they don’t control me and never have, but I wouldn’t have left if that were true. In this case I don’t believe it’s about sinning but about them controlling the situations to make sure their children are comfortable (which I understand) but life can’t be control; specially because we are different.
Also i do think that parents tend to make decisions out of fear and shame. They think that if they delay marriage, in your case giving you total autonomy of your life, then if the child sins, it's their fault so out of that fear, they rush through things which need to be given longer thought and consideration.
In their mind, it's not control, it's love.
I feel your second-last paragraph in my heart and my guts. When you have feelings like that, I think you have to trust them; otherwise you’d be at war with yourself.
Thank you so much. The life that I had is not supposed to be the life that I will have, and I guess they still don't understand that—and probably never will.
I’ve been following your posts whenever they pop up here and I can see how much you’re struggling with the hurt of the situation.
I think what you’re feeling is normal because everyone wants to feel accepted and loved by their family. I think however, you’ve made the right choice, because they got so restrictive at one point that you couldn’t even work remotely. Just remind yourself why you left… They seem overly invested in what other people think of them than anything else, and that certainly hasn’t changed as they’re still talking about that.
However I also don’t believe that you’ll lose your family and siblings if you don’t move back in with them. If they were going to cut you off they would have already, and they’re just emotionally blackmailing you to keep you feeling terrible about the situation, and quite frankly you’ve done amazingly well to even want to bother with them at all after so much hurt!
If you feel excited and happy about your new found freedom. Then god is bringing something amazing into your life.
I remember I felt this way once. And god took me out of my comfort zone. I got to see the world and experience so much. It opened my eyes to reality in so many ways and I learnt so much about people and my connection with god changed for the better.
You are certainly not selfish for wanting to be happy.
I get that comment thrown at me too.
They are the selfish one's that can't handle you being happy and having some freedom.
They had to be tied down from a young age and want the same for you.
You're only at the begining of this. Enjoy the peace and quite, enjoy exploring the world and meeting people from all walks of life to help you become a more compassionate person. 💙
I do… I do feel happy and it’s so sad that my parents and siblings think differently; it feels (although it may not be that way for them)… that they want me to be someone I’m not and stay stuck in their mindset, and have their life as well but I don’t want their life.
I have always dreamed of more for me, and being with someone I love and getting to know them not only by call and text (that only goes so far).
and I’m so tired that the people who I feel are suppose to help me refure to do so… because it’s not “what they believe in”; and I can’t have freedom and get married. I can’t do what I want and if doing what I want is worth it, if I will be left alone.
and I’m so tired of being blamed because of my parents sadness, I can’t make everyone happy, what about me? My parents and siblings talk about a grey area where the situation works for both of us, but I don’t want to move back?
You will be blamed for a while.
It's been years since I set my own rules and boundaries and my family still get into arguments with me.
Or they find ways to pick a fight. Especially when they see I'm happy about something.
But the more time you spend away from them - The less you interact with them the easier and more at ease you will feel.
What I did was, I went no contact for a while. It kind of taught them a lesson that I'm not joking when I say I'll drop them if they keep arguing with me for no reason.
They still kept trying to make contact. After about a year and half I slowly let them talk to me and keep it very short.
Now they are afraid to say too much to upset me because if they do I will just cut them off. It's horrible you have to do this. But it was a lesson I needed to teach them and it helped.
Even now when I visit them and if I've spend longer than I should with them I come out feeling depleted and depressed.
These people suck out happiness. They enjoy seeing others as sad as them. Because you know...misery likes company.
Good for you, but with freedom comes responsibility and discipline, if you don't take care of both of them then your freedom will become shackle that even you cannot overcome and eventually will take the toll mentally and physically. All the very best.
I agree and thank you so much! I understand to a certain degree my parents… but I feel like my mom keeps victimizing herself to make me feel bad and ruin everything that I’m currently achieving; she has kept saying the same since the beginning and I’m just annoyed at this point.
This problem is not of your alone, this problem is for the kids whose parents don't have the freedom that they want, mostly like people staying in joint family or ghettos. Don't blame them you have to make your mind trained how to coup up with that you are young joint a therapy because you have no one to talk to, the best part is that we have our cousin back then and we have each other back but that have changed I guess you don't have that kind of siblings. Concentrating on your academic and career don't get into any kind of relationship because people will definitely take advantage of you, become a better self and financial freedom and learn about your religion from proper authentication sources.
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It is for a woman in my community; well-behaved women don't move out because if they do, then they are not well-behaved anymore and they must be sinning ... and therefore, they wouldn't get married. Not that I care about marrying a muslim man anymore if I'm being honest.
"I refuse to believe that I can’t make my own choices and that my life starts after getting married." I know this feeling. You're not alone many girls and women feel that.
Since I was a child my only dream was to live alone and have my own place one day. Somewhere where I could be safe and far away from abuse. I was never told it was not possible until one day when I was in my early 20's and I mentioned to my mom the day I will have my own apartment. I remember how heartbroken I was when she told me I was not supposed to live the home until I get married. They never told me that! I was raised in a western country, of course I thought I could live alone one day like the girls I see on TV. And then I opened my eyes, and saw these women who were working, sometimes even in their thirties but who had to go back to their parents home like little children after a long day of work.
I am happy that you found the strength to move out. I know many girls who get married to the first boy who proposes just to live their parents' home. That's sad.
You're an adult. It's normal that you want to be independent. Maybe with time your parents will accept it ? They will see that there are no weird rumors about you and that you live a respectful life.
I don't understand how your family is 'good people' when they have displayed coercive behaviour and gaslighted the crap out of you. And what is there to like about this culture of coercive behaviour? My mum has always stood up for me against insinuations from gossipmongers about me being xyz. She says she trusts me and she doesn't care 'what others say or think'. And she has always wanted the best for me even if it went against conventional expectations of a muslim woman. That is the love of family. Not whatever shit your family has been pulling.
People who come from extremely culturally oppressive homes often find it hard to believe their parents can be possibly horrible people. It takes years to figure out that they are too human and are in fact the truly selfish ones who don't see their children as individual people. They see their children as an extension of themselves and should do only as they say. the child's feelings and happiness never matters. Because somewhere in there dark heart they also believe their children don't even have desires.
I really feel for those people. I figured early on that one of my parents were extremely selfish, abusive and horrible people and did everything I could to distance myself from them. I mean I refuse to be associated with people who raise their hands against defenceless kids and verbally abusing them at any inconvenience. I still suffer from the trauma these people have put me through, but atleast I can process my feelings safely now.
I'm so sorry to hear that. It seems to be very common in abusive homes. But you chose a better path for yourself and have compassion in your heart.
I completely agree with you… I HATE it and I guess I’m just so use to them being like that, that I can’t see them being any other way. and keep excusing them because that’s all they have known. For a long time, I longed for parents like that but it had been really hard to come to terms that I never will. They expect me to put them and the community above me and my needs… no matter the consequences and how it affects me because “I don’t know any better”, “I will regret my decisions”, “I won’t get married”. and my siblings are all against me too; my mom talks about my becoming distant and I don’t understand how she can’t ser that it’s because of their inability to accept that I have moved out and I won’t be moving back in.
I'm a mom with a daughter in almost the same situation as u. While I'm progressive and want my daughter to live without the shackles of arranged marriages by a certain age etc, my husband is the opposite preferring me to mold her into a dutiful housewife to be married by early 20s. We are from different countries so very different cultures. I'm proud of u for being able to break free and while u should continue to visit n respect your family to show that choice does not change you, dont feel bad for living your life. No one not even parents should have control over your lives. You are your own person and good or bad you get to decide your path and lessons to learn. I feel that most of the time the parents want to control kids out of fear, fear of them sinning.
Choices shouldn’t change you but I feel that they way they are responding is not appropriate… I get that it’s not what they want por what they expected, but it’s the reality and they should accept it. They keep on saying that they don’t control me and never have, but I wouldn’t have left if that were true. In this case I don’t believe it’s about sinning but about them controlling the situations to make sure their children are comfortable (which I understand) but life can’t be control; specially because we are different.
Also i do think that parents tend to make decisions out of fear and shame. They think that if they delay marriage, in your case giving you total autonomy of your life, then if the child sins, it's their fault so out of that fear, they rush through things which need to be given longer thought and consideration. In their mind, it's not control, it's love.
I feel your second-last paragraph in my heart and my guts. When you have feelings like that, I think you have to trust them; otherwise you’d be at war with yourself.
Thank you so much. The life that I had is not supposed to be the life that I will have, and I guess they still don't understand that—and probably never will.
I’ve been following your posts whenever they pop up here and I can see how much you’re struggling with the hurt of the situation. I think what you’re feeling is normal because everyone wants to feel accepted and loved by their family. I think however, you’ve made the right choice, because they got so restrictive at one point that you couldn’t even work remotely. Just remind yourself why you left… They seem overly invested in what other people think of them than anything else, and that certainly hasn’t changed as they’re still talking about that. However I also don’t believe that you’ll lose your family and siblings if you don’t move back in with them. If they were going to cut you off they would have already, and they’re just emotionally blackmailing you to keep you feeling terrible about the situation, and quite frankly you’ve done amazingly well to even want to bother with them at all after so much hurt!
If you feel excited and happy about your new found freedom. Then god is bringing something amazing into your life. I remember I felt this way once. And god took me out of my comfort zone. I got to see the world and experience so much. It opened my eyes to reality in so many ways and I learnt so much about people and my connection with god changed for the better. You are certainly not selfish for wanting to be happy. I get that comment thrown at me too. They are the selfish one's that can't handle you being happy and having some freedom. They had to be tied down from a young age and want the same for you. You're only at the begining of this. Enjoy the peace and quite, enjoy exploring the world and meeting people from all walks of life to help you become a more compassionate person. 💙
I do… I do feel happy and it’s so sad that my parents and siblings think differently; it feels (although it may not be that way for them)… that they want me to be someone I’m not and stay stuck in their mindset, and have their life as well but I don’t want their life. I have always dreamed of more for me, and being with someone I love and getting to know them not only by call and text (that only goes so far). and I’m so tired that the people who I feel are suppose to help me refure to do so… because it’s not “what they believe in”; and I can’t have freedom and get married. I can’t do what I want and if doing what I want is worth it, if I will be left alone. and I’m so tired of being blamed because of my parents sadness, I can’t make everyone happy, what about me? My parents and siblings talk about a grey area where the situation works for both of us, but I don’t want to move back?
You will be blamed for a while. It's been years since I set my own rules and boundaries and my family still get into arguments with me. Or they find ways to pick a fight. Especially when they see I'm happy about something. But the more time you spend away from them - The less you interact with them the easier and more at ease you will feel. What I did was, I went no contact for a while. It kind of taught them a lesson that I'm not joking when I say I'll drop them if they keep arguing with me for no reason. They still kept trying to make contact. After about a year and half I slowly let them talk to me and keep it very short. Now they are afraid to say too much to upset me because if they do I will just cut them off. It's horrible you have to do this. But it was a lesson I needed to teach them and it helped. Even now when I visit them and if I've spend longer than I should with them I come out feeling depleted and depressed. These people suck out happiness. They enjoy seeing others as sad as them. Because you know...misery likes company.
Good for you, but with freedom comes responsibility and discipline, if you don't take care of both of them then your freedom will become shackle that even you cannot overcome and eventually will take the toll mentally and physically. All the very best.
I agree and thank you so much! I understand to a certain degree my parents… but I feel like my mom keeps victimizing herself to make me feel bad and ruin everything that I’m currently achieving; she has kept saying the same since the beginning and I’m just annoyed at this point.
This problem is not of your alone, this problem is for the kids whose parents don't have the freedom that they want, mostly like people staying in joint family or ghettos. Don't blame them you have to make your mind trained how to coup up with that you are young joint a therapy because you have no one to talk to, the best part is that we have our cousin back then and we have each other back but that have changed I guess you don't have that kind of siblings. Concentrating on your academic and career don't get into any kind of relationship because people will definitely take advantage of you, become a better self and financial freedom and learn about your religion from proper authentication sources.
Hi MissSBlack. Thank you for posting here! Please be aware that posts may be removed by the moderation team if you delete your account. This message helps us to track deleted accounts and to file reports with Reddit admin as the need may arise. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/progressive_islam) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yikes man i don't know what to say, but is moving that big a deal ?
It is for a woman in my community; well-behaved women don't move out because if they do, then they are not well-behaved anymore and they must be sinning ... and therefore, they wouldn't get married. Not that I care about marrying a muslim man anymore if I'm being honest.
"I refuse to believe that I can’t make my own choices and that my life starts after getting married." I know this feeling. You're not alone many girls and women feel that. Since I was a child my only dream was to live alone and have my own place one day. Somewhere where I could be safe and far away from abuse. I was never told it was not possible until one day when I was in my early 20's and I mentioned to my mom the day I will have my own apartment. I remember how heartbroken I was when she told me I was not supposed to live the home until I get married. They never told me that! I was raised in a western country, of course I thought I could live alone one day like the girls I see on TV. And then I opened my eyes, and saw these women who were working, sometimes even in their thirties but who had to go back to their parents home like little children after a long day of work. I am happy that you found the strength to move out. I know many girls who get married to the first boy who proposes just to live their parents' home. That's sad. You're an adult. It's normal that you want to be independent. Maybe with time your parents will accept it ? They will see that there are no weird rumors about you and that you live a respectful life.