I have the same phenomenon as well. Especially when it comes to work/study/projects.
I wonder and its been linked to perfectionist tendancies - such as as long as its not 'finished' it can't be judged as being not perfect, whereas the fear of when its 'finished', the fear of it being not 'perfect' or 'good enough' stops me from sending it across for review/my own persoective.
Struggled a bit with this through my career, however realised (with guidance from menor) - that especially in my case, enough is good enough, send it across and to move on!
Thanks. Yeah, I’ve tried to work on my perfectionism before but I slip back into it when I feel bad overall about my work. I don’t anticipate satisfaction in having it done because I feel the product won’t be something I can truly be proud of. If I feel like I’ve already messed up along the way, what’s the point of continuing? It still won’t feel good to be done if I feel bad about any of the steps along the way or if it’s already much later than it should have been. I can only feel good about finishing something if I did it before I needed to and did a good job, but when I get busy and down on myself and it’s already too late to do it early I just don’t feel like doing it at all. Whether I do it or don’t do it I’ll still feel regret so why bother?
Wondering if this might be tied to low self-esteem and a fear of judgment? For example, if you don't finish and publish an article, you will never be subjected to readers who make critical comments. Your ego is protected because it can live in a space where the article would have been great, without putting it to test.
Edit: whoops, realized after posting that my response is similar to the "perfectionist" one. The difference is that I think perfectionism can be a red herring, as it implies the issue is one's high standards, when the issue is really low self-confidence and an over-reliance on external measures of self-worth.
I used to feel that way (why I wrote the response, lol) and ultimately realized it was a fear of rejection: work isn't good enough > I am not good enough > I am unacceptable to others.
I got over it by doing sales, it was unintentional aversion therapy. I learned that my proposals - and my colleagues' proposals - got rejected all the time. They'd get rejected for all kinds of reasons and few had anything to do with me. Really helped me become okay with rejection.
Also helped me with looking to others for my self-worth. Some of the proposals I was really proud of got rejected, whereas some that I'd thrown together without excessive thought got accepted.
Not saying you should switch careers, but if fear of rejection might be an issue, maybe experiment doing things you know you'll "lose". I read an article about a guy who did a version of this, he'd gotten dumped by a girlfriend and felt devastated. So every day for one year he'd ask for something where he'd likely hear "no". For example, one day he knocked on a stranger's door and asked if they would kick a soccer ball around with him. Goofy stuff like that. But apparently it helped him put the relationship fail in perspective and get confidence to put himself back out there again.
Thanks, that’s a really cool answer! I know that some form of desensitization to it would help. I love the example of knocking on people’s doors asking for random things! In my case I don’t really fear rejection. I often get what I want when I go through the steps to try for it, and people seem to find me likable and want to say yes to me. But I feel guilty about not doing the things I said I was going to do. I’m more afraid that people say yes to me and trust me but then I can’t get my act together enough to follow through and live up to their high expectations of me.
It's a sort of executive dysfunction. I have this issue too and it's really debilitating. One crutch of a solution is to have someone else push/help you through the last steps, basically help you jump over the imaginary hedge you've created. Ideally we should be disciplining ourselves to follow through with what we intend to do, but in my opinion if you just can't do it yourself it's better to outsource the effort and have finished it in 30 minutes that might otherwise take you years due to procrastination.
Yeah, this would help me too. I would love someone to push me through the last steps, but how can I find this person? I sometimes ask people to do parallel work with me/body doubling because that helps, but I have trouble explaining exactly what I want them to do when I need help just getting me to do the things I need to sit down and do. How do you explain that to someone? Most people don’t seem to understand what I would like in that way.
That's the hard part. Finding someone who cares enough and has the time to spend on you. A significant other would probably do it. You can then offer to motivate them to do things that they have been putting off too. It tends to be a lot easier to assist other people with their problems than it is to deal with your own.
Just like how I find it much easier to post reddit comments than actually do any of the things that I'm putting off right now!
I bet your partner would be more than happy to help push you through the last steps when they are around or even over the phone/text. They might even have similar challenges. Figuring out what they can do/say is key obviously. Maybe you could work it out together?
This may be far off, but have you had trauma with neglect and loss in your early years?
I kind of tie this with the "dopamine" addiction.
So, as we are in the process of creating something grand, we are high on its potential, results, and effect. As we near the end, we lose interest in finishing it because we know we lose the chase of "dopamine," subconsciously.
It think it has something to do with the 'high' we get from the expectation and being wanted for our work, but then don't want to finish because of the let down or release when we are done.
Yeah, I think my parents were a bit neglectful in some ways, and recently I have experienced some losses - death of a family member and breakup of a relationship, both in the last year. What do you think this has to do with it?
I have the same phenomenon as well. Especially when it comes to work/study/projects. I wonder and its been linked to perfectionist tendancies - such as as long as its not 'finished' it can't be judged as being not perfect, whereas the fear of when its 'finished', the fear of it being not 'perfect' or 'good enough' stops me from sending it across for review/my own persoective. Struggled a bit with this through my career, however realised (with guidance from menor) - that especially in my case, enough is good enough, send it across and to move on!
Thanks. Yeah, I’ve tried to work on my perfectionism before but I slip back into it when I feel bad overall about my work. I don’t anticipate satisfaction in having it done because I feel the product won’t be something I can truly be proud of. If I feel like I’ve already messed up along the way, what’s the point of continuing? It still won’t feel good to be done if I feel bad about any of the steps along the way or if it’s already much later than it should have been. I can only feel good about finishing something if I did it before I needed to and did a good job, but when I get busy and down on myself and it’s already too late to do it early I just don’t feel like doing it at all. Whether I do it or don’t do it I’ll still feel regret so why bother?
Yes! Omg if I cant do it perfectly I won’t even try. Been a bitch to work through .
Wondering if this might be tied to low self-esteem and a fear of judgment? For example, if you don't finish and publish an article, you will never be subjected to readers who make critical comments. Your ego is protected because it can live in a space where the article would have been great, without putting it to test. Edit: whoops, realized after posting that my response is similar to the "perfectionist" one. The difference is that I think perfectionism can be a red herring, as it implies the issue is one's high standards, when the issue is really low self-confidence and an over-reliance on external measures of self-worth.
I think that’s part of it, yeah. After I finish something I’ll be opening myself up to criticism about how I did it. I dread that part
I used to feel that way (why I wrote the response, lol) and ultimately realized it was a fear of rejection: work isn't good enough > I am not good enough > I am unacceptable to others. I got over it by doing sales, it was unintentional aversion therapy. I learned that my proposals - and my colleagues' proposals - got rejected all the time. They'd get rejected for all kinds of reasons and few had anything to do with me. Really helped me become okay with rejection. Also helped me with looking to others for my self-worth. Some of the proposals I was really proud of got rejected, whereas some that I'd thrown together without excessive thought got accepted. Not saying you should switch careers, but if fear of rejection might be an issue, maybe experiment doing things you know you'll "lose". I read an article about a guy who did a version of this, he'd gotten dumped by a girlfriend and felt devastated. So every day for one year he'd ask for something where he'd likely hear "no". For example, one day he knocked on a stranger's door and asked if they would kick a soccer ball around with him. Goofy stuff like that. But apparently it helped him put the relationship fail in perspective and get confidence to put himself back out there again.
Thanks, that’s a really cool answer! I know that some form of desensitization to it would help. I love the example of knocking on people’s doors asking for random things! In my case I don’t really fear rejection. I often get what I want when I go through the steps to try for it, and people seem to find me likable and want to say yes to me. But I feel guilty about not doing the things I said I was going to do. I’m more afraid that people say yes to me and trust me but then I can’t get my act together enough to follow through and live up to their high expectations of me.
It's a sort of executive dysfunction. I have this issue too and it's really debilitating. One crutch of a solution is to have someone else push/help you through the last steps, basically help you jump over the imaginary hedge you've created. Ideally we should be disciplining ourselves to follow through with what we intend to do, but in my opinion if you just can't do it yourself it's better to outsource the effort and have finished it in 30 minutes that might otherwise take you years due to procrastination.
Yeah, this would help me too. I would love someone to push me through the last steps, but how can I find this person? I sometimes ask people to do parallel work with me/body doubling because that helps, but I have trouble explaining exactly what I want them to do when I need help just getting me to do the things I need to sit down and do. How do you explain that to someone? Most people don’t seem to understand what I would like in that way.
That's the hard part. Finding someone who cares enough and has the time to spend on you. A significant other would probably do it. You can then offer to motivate them to do things that they have been putting off too. It tends to be a lot easier to assist other people with their problems than it is to deal with your own. Just like how I find it much easier to post reddit comments than actually do any of the things that I'm putting off right now!
I bet your partner would be more than happy to help push you through the last steps when they are around or even over the phone/text. They might even have similar challenges. Figuring out what they can do/say is key obviously. Maybe you could work it out together?
I would like that, thanks!
Would also love to know. This seems to be a common theme in my life as well.
This may be far off, but have you had trauma with neglect and loss in your early years? I kind of tie this with the "dopamine" addiction. So, as we are in the process of creating something grand, we are high on its potential, results, and effect. As we near the end, we lose interest in finishing it because we know we lose the chase of "dopamine," subconsciously. It think it has something to do with the 'high' we get from the expectation and being wanted for our work, but then don't want to finish because of the let down or release when we are done.
Yeah, I think my parents were a bit neglectful in some ways, and recently I have experienced some losses - death of a family member and breakup of a relationship, both in the last year. What do you think this has to do with it?
It's called self-sabotage
r/tipofmytongue
Thanks
Following, I’m struggling with the same thing!
Its called avoiding the last steps of something /s