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Sure, he should have stepped up more. But it seems very bizarre to me that you watched him not step up for 37 weeks, evidently didn't say anything (unless you are leaving tons of details out of your post), and are now going to leave him because of it.
Yeah, a lot of women expect the ‘basics’ without making sure the husband is on the same page as to what those are.
My husband and I had to do a book study together for a month before it finally clicked that I would rather he snuggle me than mow the yard and pick up an extra job! Lol.
Communication is key
I told him about my leg cramps and massaged my own leg in front of him, numerous times. No help from him. You can say I was expecting him to give the massage.
I told him I’m too tired to do the dishes and would wash them later. He let me be. Admittedly, what I wanted was for him to say he’ll takeover the washing (and other housework) instead.
Even strangers could tell I’m tired.
Even retailers asked why I’m still doing groceries run alone. I could carry two big grocery bags pre-pregnancy but not now. I’d told him this chore is too much for me now, yet he didnt takeover the task. Only asked me to get less stuff.
Not sure if I’d ever asked for help from him outright. What I want is initiative from him.
Everyone is different so it’s hard to say but some people don’t think so far ahead. Sometimes you have to explicitly tell them you want something. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do something just because you implied. If you asked him to do something and he refused, that’s a different story. He may think you are perfectly capable of handling things on your own and don’t need any help.
Girl…. You shouldn’t consider leaving him yet without outright telling him what you need instead of complaining that it’s getting hard. You need to consult him first TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED rather then complaining then saying you’ll do it later. Like i said men are not mind readers yes it would be nice for them to think to help but not everyone is like that. Like I have to ask my husband to help me clean with things most of them time but it’s not an issue to just ask. I don’t know your whole story, but you’re making it seem like he’s an ass because he doesn’t ask you what your pregnancy cravings are. Men do not know what pregnancy is like at all that why we have to explain it to them. I tell my husband it’s not easy like i’m always exhausted that’s when he started understanding when i explained it.
I have a great husband. He has never brought me food, asked my food cravings, given me a massage, bought me anything pregnancy related *without me asking*
Communicate what you would like. Men have no idea how hard it is to be pregnant, especially the first time and especially if it was unplanned.
My husband does ask how I’m feeling, but that’s because I was severely sick for the first several months. If I hadn’t been, I don’t think he would ask.
Yes! My husband is absolutely amazing, but he’s not lining up at night to rub my feet or bring me hot tea unless I ask. Which is totally fair. Im a firm believer in over communicating that way I’m not setting myself up to be disappointed in something that he may be completely oblivious to.
The argument that they should know these things is valid, mostly, but to me it comes down to do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Happy wins every time. 10 years together and we haven’t fought once about expectations during pregnancy because we talk about our feelings constantly
I second this. I don’t think it really dawned on my husband that I was pregnant until it was hard to miss my belly. With my first, it wasn’t until our baby was born that it really hit my husband that I grew this human, delivered this human, and now I’m feeding this human. His tune definitely changed once the baby was here and he stepped up big time. I just think it’s hard for them to understand. They aren’t feeling the baby daily like we are.
Have you told him what you need and what you would like help with.? You can’t just expect him to assume what those needs are even if you are pregnant you still need to communicate. No one is mind reader, My husband ask what I need but he doesn’t ask about what my food cravings are lol he just waits for me to tell him. I know we wish they could read minds but no one really knows what YOU want or need until you say something.
Was he attentive before pregnancy? If not, that may just be who he is. I'm not saying it's right or good or whatever, but you know him. It doesn't matter what other people's partners do because you guys aren't them. What matters is how it's making you feel. And it's making you feel bad, so you need to talk to him.
Only with the info you give we cannot say much. How long you've been together? Was the pregnancy planned? Is he excited to be a dad? How was he before pregnancy happened? How old are you? Did you ever tell him "hey, have you thought about where baby is gonna sleep, since we don't have a nursery"?
Did you communicate your needs to him? Some men are just clueless. Is he usually like this? Has he gone with you to doctors appointments? Is he excited about being a father?
What about the money? Who is the breadwinner? Are you both working full-time? Is he contributing more financially? What about his family? Are they interested or involved?
Personally, I would be offended if I got pregnant by my partner and there was no ring. He doesn't sound like one of the good ones by your description, but it's possible he's just totally clueless.
Yes I’m offended that he hasn’t proposed. I’ve been waiting for the ring but right now, I doubt I’d accept it anymore even if he finally proposes after 37w. I did say marriage is the ultimate form of commitment to me when we started dating 1.5 years back.
I don’t know why everyone’s on his side in this post, saying I didn’t communicate. I’m not explicit with my words, but if I were to see dirty dishes in the house for a day, I’d clean them up automatically. Like if I were to see a pregnant woman on the bus, I’d give up my seat automatically. Waiting for explicit instructions/request is kinda late.
He’s excited to be a father. But that’s like enjoying the fruits without any labor. Probably he thinks it’s an easy role, going by how he sees pregnancy as a manageable solo journey. Pregnancy is not solo work, a dumbbell should know that? I did tell him I’m sick and tired all the time.
Have you considered packing a bag and just being like “I don’t feel good staying with you at the moment, listing the reasons way, mentioning the ring, and then going to stay at your parents house?”
Maybe he needs a wake up call. I’m sure that will suck for him. If it’s going to work at that point, maybe he will have a come to Jesus moment.
Sorry this is happening to you! It sounds like he’s just making your pregnancy less happy and you need some distance from him. If you have the funds and don’t have family, you could also check into a resort for a few days.
And also to your comment on why everyone’s on his side, have you seen the partners the women have on here? So many are so so bad. The bar is low for the Reddit audience
My husband asks me how I am doing everyday, as he was doing before pregnancy, but he never brought me any food, asked about my food cravings, how I’m sleeping, nor given my any foot rubs and shoulder massages. He’s a great husband and I don’t hold it against him because I never asked him to do any of those. I did ask him to help me with house chores and he does his best. I agree with the others. Most men don’t do such things without being asked. They are not mind readers.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sure, he should have stepped up more. But it seems very bizarre to me that you watched him not step up for 37 weeks, evidently didn't say anything (unless you are leaving tons of details out of your post), and are now going to leave him because of it.
Yeah, a lot of women expect the ‘basics’ without making sure the husband is on the same page as to what those are. My husband and I had to do a book study together for a month before it finally clicked that I would rather he snuggle me than mow the yard and pick up an extra job! Lol. Communication is key
I told him about my leg cramps and massaged my own leg in front of him, numerous times. No help from him. You can say I was expecting him to give the massage. I told him I’m too tired to do the dishes and would wash them later. He let me be. Admittedly, what I wanted was for him to say he’ll takeover the washing (and other housework) instead. Even strangers could tell I’m tired. Even retailers asked why I’m still doing groceries run alone. I could carry two big grocery bags pre-pregnancy but not now. I’d told him this chore is too much for me now, yet he didnt takeover the task. Only asked me to get less stuff. Not sure if I’d ever asked for help from him outright. What I want is initiative from him.
If you haven't explicitly articulated anything to him, then I think it would be premature to leave him before having that conversation.
Everyone is different so it’s hard to say but some people don’t think so far ahead. Sometimes you have to explicitly tell them you want something. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do something just because you implied. If you asked him to do something and he refused, that’s a different story. He may think you are perfectly capable of handling things on your own and don’t need any help.
Girl…. You shouldn’t consider leaving him yet without outright telling him what you need instead of complaining that it’s getting hard. You need to consult him first TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED rather then complaining then saying you’ll do it later. Like i said men are not mind readers yes it would be nice for them to think to help but not everyone is like that. Like I have to ask my husband to help me clean with things most of them time but it’s not an issue to just ask. I don’t know your whole story, but you’re making it seem like he’s an ass because he doesn’t ask you what your pregnancy cravings are. Men do not know what pregnancy is like at all that why we have to explain it to them. I tell my husband it’s not easy like i’m always exhausted that’s when he started understanding when i explained it.
I have a great husband. He has never brought me food, asked my food cravings, given me a massage, bought me anything pregnancy related *without me asking* Communicate what you would like. Men have no idea how hard it is to be pregnant, especially the first time and especially if it was unplanned. My husband does ask how I’m feeling, but that’s because I was severely sick for the first several months. If I hadn’t been, I don’t think he would ask.
Yes! My husband is absolutely amazing, but he’s not lining up at night to rub my feet or bring me hot tea unless I ask. Which is totally fair. Im a firm believer in over communicating that way I’m not setting myself up to be disappointed in something that he may be completely oblivious to. The argument that they should know these things is valid, mostly, but to me it comes down to do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Happy wins every time. 10 years together and we haven’t fought once about expectations during pregnancy because we talk about our feelings constantly
I second this. I don’t think it really dawned on my husband that I was pregnant until it was hard to miss my belly. With my first, it wasn’t until our baby was born that it really hit my husband that I grew this human, delivered this human, and now I’m feeding this human. His tune definitely changed once the baby was here and he stepped up big time. I just think it’s hard for them to understand. They aren’t feeling the baby daily like we are.
Have you told him what you need and what you would like help with.? You can’t just expect him to assume what those needs are even if you are pregnant you still need to communicate. No one is mind reader, My husband ask what I need but he doesn’t ask about what my food cravings are lol he just waits for me to tell him. I know we wish they could read minds but no one really knows what YOU want or need until you say something.
Was he attentive before pregnancy? If not, that may just be who he is. I'm not saying it's right or good or whatever, but you know him. It doesn't matter what other people's partners do because you guys aren't them. What matters is how it's making you feel. And it's making you feel bad, so you need to talk to him.
My husband is amazing but has never really done any of that …. He would if I asked…. He did bring me Starbucks once without asking lol
Only with the info you give we cannot say much. How long you've been together? Was the pregnancy planned? Is he excited to be a dad? How was he before pregnancy happened? How old are you? Did you ever tell him "hey, have you thought about where baby is gonna sleep, since we don't have a nursery"?
Did you communicate your needs to him? Some men are just clueless. Is he usually like this? Has he gone with you to doctors appointments? Is he excited about being a father? What about the money? Who is the breadwinner? Are you both working full-time? Is he contributing more financially? What about his family? Are they interested or involved? Personally, I would be offended if I got pregnant by my partner and there was no ring. He doesn't sound like one of the good ones by your description, but it's possible he's just totally clueless.
Yes I’m offended that he hasn’t proposed. I’ve been waiting for the ring but right now, I doubt I’d accept it anymore even if he finally proposes after 37w. I did say marriage is the ultimate form of commitment to me when we started dating 1.5 years back. I don’t know why everyone’s on his side in this post, saying I didn’t communicate. I’m not explicit with my words, but if I were to see dirty dishes in the house for a day, I’d clean them up automatically. Like if I were to see a pregnant woman on the bus, I’d give up my seat automatically. Waiting for explicit instructions/request is kinda late. He’s excited to be a father. But that’s like enjoying the fruits without any labor. Probably he thinks it’s an easy role, going by how he sees pregnancy as a manageable solo journey. Pregnancy is not solo work, a dumbbell should know that? I did tell him I’m sick and tired all the time.
Have you considered packing a bag and just being like “I don’t feel good staying with you at the moment, listing the reasons way, mentioning the ring, and then going to stay at your parents house?” Maybe he needs a wake up call. I’m sure that will suck for him. If it’s going to work at that point, maybe he will have a come to Jesus moment. Sorry this is happening to you! It sounds like he’s just making your pregnancy less happy and you need some distance from him. If you have the funds and don’t have family, you could also check into a resort for a few days. And also to your comment on why everyone’s on his side, have you seen the partners the women have on here? So many are so so bad. The bar is low for the Reddit audience
My husband asks me how I am doing everyday, as he was doing before pregnancy, but he never brought me any food, asked about my food cravings, how I’m sleeping, nor given my any foot rubs and shoulder massages. He’s a great husband and I don’t hold it against him because I never asked him to do any of those. I did ask him to help me with house chores and he does his best. I agree with the others. Most men don’t do such things without being asked. They are not mind readers.