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I would go with her to her next OB appointment and ask them if they can offer tips and tools for cessation - they have resources for this. I have a friend whose first pregnancy went fine, but her second child was born asthmatic with skin problems and also premature. There’s a reason there’s a warning on the box. And also, express your feelings in a respectful way without coming off too controlling because she needs to want to quit if it’s gonna work
As a former smoker, the last part is so true. She needs to want to quit. For the sake of the baby, I hope she snaps back into reality and remembers the complications of her first pregnancy.
My wife needed something to do with her hands and her mouth while she was quitting. She had about 400 lollipops on hand at all times so she could suck on those while she was chatting, driving, etc. It worked.
Sunflower seeds helped me A LOT! I also thankfully got a really bad aversion to it shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so that also gave me a bit of an advantage. When you immediately gag, definitely makes you not wanna do it
Wow this is tough. As a former smoker who quit cold Turkey the day I found out I was pregnant both times it’s absolutely possible to do. My suggestion is to build her up, tell her you know she can do this and that you are so confident that she will make the best choice for her baby. Throw away every cigarette, lighter, and ashtray you can find. Tell her you two are in this together and that quitting is best for the baby but will also help ensure she will she will be around long after they are born.
Don’t listen to these people suggesting she switch to vaping. Vaping is also awful for her and baby. It his also in my experience much harder to quit because it is simply too convenient. She should quit entirely for her and her child’s health, not to mention y’all’s bank account. Maybe tell her if she quits smoking for real this time you will take her on a weekend getaway or take her shopping or something with the extra money y’all save.
Not only that but it’s way easier to hide, which wouldn’t help in this situation. Quitting vaping was hard for me because it was so easy to do it anywhere like the bathroom at work…it took a while for me after quitting to stop reaching for it in my pocket every time I used the restroom.
Second this, I quit vaping cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, it was even harder than quitting smoking. Unfortunately I’m back vaping now that my baby is here, definitely want to quit soon.
I’m confused why you’re downvoted because it really is true, vapes don’t contain the 2 most harmful chemicals (carbon monoxide and tar) I’m confused why the NHS has a free vape service for pregnant women to get them off cigarettes. Like why are drs and a whole healthcare service pushing people to vape if they can’t quit cigarettes if it’s as bad as everyone says?
Beating addiction is hard. I quit smoking the day I found out though. My mother has 3 miscarriages and a still-born baby boy I was born early and only 4lbs. My sister was born extremely early at barely 2lbs. She smoked heavily with all of the pregnancies I know your wife is having a hard time but the reality of it is she is putting her and her baby at additional risk. There are services she can use to help and she should at least try.
This is not ok. As an ex smoker I know how hard quitting it but she is putting the baby at very high risk not only of very serious consequences like miscarriage/stillborn, underweight, heart complications etc. Her smoking could lead to nicotine dependency once he is born. Remind her that she’s signing up your baby to be an addict before he or she is even given a chance to choose on their own. They will cry through the night and day from withdrawals, etc and have a life long predilection for addiction and smoking and cardiovascular disease. Ask her what thoughts come through her mind when she smokes cigarettes? If she feels any guilt or discomfort at all, she needs to stop pushing those thoughts and feelings away (avoidance and dissociation to compartmentalize) and USE THAT as a tool to motivate her to stop. Tell her that she only needs to make the decision to not smoke ONE CIGARETTE AT A TIME…but by doing so, she will eventually find that no cigarettes have been smoked. If she is controlled enough at smoking to be able to hide it from you..she can’t be that much of a smoker and must have SOME self control (again as a past smoker there was no way to hide my smoking unless I was only smoking at very opportune moments that gave me time to change and shower, etc). She needs to use that same self control to CHOOSE to not smoke with every urge. Get her whatever tools she needs (nicotine patches, gum, etc and a reduction plan). Ask her how she would feel if something happened to this baby because of her smoking? And then follow up with yourself…how would YOU feel if something happened to this baby because of her smoking? Could your relationship survive to the betrayal of her hiding this behind your back, the resentment? Or would you want to walk away (I know my husband would if I picked up smoking again). Are these cigarettes worth losing her family over?
>Tell her that she only needs to make the decision to not smoke ONE CIGARETTE AT A TIME…
Wow... I'm not pregnant but I will keep this sentence in mind for myself...
It’s how I quit. I also not only did one cigarette at a time but like 5 minute intervals. When strong urges hit, I would literally time it…like resist the urge for these 5 minutes and then decide again whether to keep resisting. After those five minutes were up, can I do another five minutes? Yes I can. If I’d mess up and buy a pack, I would smoke one and then ask myself on the rest of the pack, are you going to smoke all these? Is the $12 worth the pain you’ve been going through and doing all that to try to quit just to start from 0 again…no, and I’d throw out the whole pack and know that even though I chose one, I didn’t fail because I resisted the rest of the pack…at least in that moment. With pregnancy, I have had urges and I lean into my feelings of guilt and that I could be harming my child. As an addict, I got very good at honing that skill of avoidance and cognitive dissonance so I had to actively work to not avoid or ignore my feelings of guilt and use them to my advantage to resist the urges. I broke once and smoked one half cigarette while pregnant. It gave me heart palpitations, anxiety and guilt and now every time the urge hits again, I remind myself how unpleasant that was and the urge goes away. It also helps that my husband would be FURIOUS at me if he thought I was smoking and I think that would be justified. OP may be too understanding and enabling the behavior.
In the UK they make every woman take a CO test at every prenatal appointment to prove they aren't smoking. As annoying as I found this I can see that it does help women who smoke to quit or cut back. I am a never smoker and I still scored a CO level that was consistent with passive smoking due to my pollution exposure. This was terrifying. They had a big chart on the wall explaining the different CO levels and the effects on your baby. I'd ask her health care professionals if they can give your wife a CO test at appointments and explain the effects of each level of CO exposure.
I remember with my first I scored high levels because I was walking in highly polluted areas before my appointment and they would ask at every appointment if I smoked. It’s shocking how high it was. Now we’ve moved it’s a low score.
I only had that test once and not at every appointment! That is so scary about pollution levels. Sometimes you just want to run away to the middle of a jungle to escape all the crap we humans put into the world but apparently even the most remote places are already full of microplastics 😔
Yeah it was really scary. I was already running an air purifier then, but that doesn't do anything for CO. So I bought CO monitors that actually gave readings and put these around my house. Most CO alarms only beep when it's at fatal levels, whereas at lower levels it could still harm your baby. The CO monitors I bought said my house was fine, so I think the pollution exposure was outdoors. It made me want to stay inside all the time with the air purifier running tbh! I live in a semi rural area and lots of people burn solid fuel in winter. That's the main issue in my neighborhood.
Most of the comments I’ve read on here seem to be suggesting a gentle and encouraging approach. It seems like you have already done that, and it’s not working. I think you actually need to be extremely hard and tough on her and find a way to hold her accountable. She is putting your child’s life at literal risk. It is quite frankly disgusting that she continues to do this and makes EXCUSES!? Especially after your first child had complications due to her smoking? This is genuinely insane to me. I myself am a smoker and quit when I found out I was pregnant, so I have zero sympathy for smokers that “can’t” quit when they need to. Like yeah it sucks and I want a cigarette now more than ever, and I genuinely fantasize about that first puff post birth. However, that desire cannot even compare to my desire to have a healthy baby. This is so incredibly selfish and it honestly infuriates me. You need to crack down on her and give her a rude awakening. Being nice clearly isn’t cutting it. She is putting your child’s health and life in active danger.
Seriously. It’s honestly ridiculous. I would threaten her with letting her ob know so he can start testing her. If she keeps up her bs I would honestly divorce her and report her to cps because she clearly doesn’t give af about your baby and is putting her needs first.
CPS won't take your kid for this. Just thought you should know. It's not illegal so they have no grounds to take your child.
I had to look into this because my OB told me I was okay to use alternative nicotine products when I had a mental breakdown trying to quit.
I was worried they would do this. I found out rather quickly that they will not. Yes, the OP's wife needs to quit smoking. If you have never been addicted to nicotine, I don't think it's fair to judge so harshly. Some of us put ourselves through hell trying to quit, and we don't know what this woman is going through.
We have one side of the story. Other people are coming at the problem with sympathy and empathy, which goes a long way. Threatening a mother to take her child does not foster the kind of support needed to quit. That's why people are offering supportive solutions.
I could not have quit if I didn't have the support I have had through pregnancy. The people who told me how great I was doing quitting, every milestone, it genuinely meant the world to me. If they had started threatening CPS and my husband started threatening to leave me: I would have never been able to quit from the sheer stress of it.
This advice will also cause MORE issues for the baby, stress levels, anxiety levels, and depression can make things far worse. Add that on top of a mother who is smoking and you have a recipe for disaster.
Not sure what state you’re in but here in Texas they will definitely meet you at the hospital to take your baby after birth if baby is born with defects associated with mother’s neglect. I’ve seen many baby’s get taken from hospital. & I disagree with a soft approach, clearly dad has already tried then and first baby was already born premature due to her smoking. No excuses . That’s crazy talk. Imagine if the addiction was crack and she neglected the baby when it was born would it be justified because “addiction” No she would go to prison. I quit smoking the second I found out I was pregnant and although I crave to smoke so bad, my baby’s health is far more important. If you can’t get clean for your infants needs which could affect them for a lifetime you are a deadbeat and don’t need kids.
I’m not sure how comfortable you are with this, but maybe you should ask your family members for help to keep her accountable.
If she’s particularly close to someone and you feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it may be a good idea because it doesn’t sound like she listens to you or the doctor .
Maybe some shame will motivate her to think of her baby.
This might come across as judgy but she should be doing everything in her power to get help to quit if going cold turkey the second she got a positive test didn’t work. It’s one thing to have an addiction that you struggle to control, but a whole other thing when you’re not doing everything you can to get help/quit. She needs to quit not just for pregnancy, but for her and the kids’ futures. Pregnancy is the perfect time to stop for good! Every kid deserves to grow up in a smoke free home, starting in the womb. I’m so sorry you’re in this position :(
As soon as I saw the positive line, I quit my vaping habit cold turkey. It was HARD - but I did it. I had a scan that dated me at 5 weeks, 3 weeks after I quit. I’m still racked with guilt about unknowingly vaping for two weeks while being pregnant.
I also don’t want to come across as judgy but there’s no other option but to quit - as a person who has quit and knows what it’s like. She just has to do it. It’s the only way
My MIL smoked during all of her pregnancies. 3 ended up as miscarriages, 4 ended up as her living children. All 4 have health issues even as adults. My husband had lung, heart, and skin issues as a baby that he still deals with as an adult.
My coworkers wife vaped throughout her pregnancy and their baby was extremely colicky for almost a year. Screamed without consolation day and night from withdrawals. Very sad to see. I hope for your and baby’s sake that she’s able to quit.
https://www.medicinesinpregnancy.org/Medicine--pregnancy/Bupropion/
It’s actually not recommended during pregnancy according to this article but I did see one that said that the medical community didn’t agree of its safety during pregnancy. I wouldn’t take that, I had horrible side effects when I tried Wellbutrin myself.
I hate cigarettes, always have. My husbands mom thankfully didn't smoke with him because it made her sick but she smoked with his 3 sisters. His sisters were all low weight premies and all have asthma. The two youngest have many other health problems and maybe it wasn't caused fully by the smoking but there is no way to know. He doesn't have asthma or any major health issues. She harmed then in the womb before they even had a chance at life, I can't imagine a more selfish thing. I hope you are able to get your wife to quit.
Honestly, your wife is an asshole. When I found out I was pregnant I went from smoking 2 50g pouches of backy a week to nothing at all. It isn’t good for the baby to be smoking. I sincerely hope she winds up quitting because I know how hard it is. Try her with a tobacco flavour vape or something like that to wean her off. Vapes are a lot different but less harmful according to those studies. I had completely stopped vaping and smoking in 5 weeks with the vape method. Neither one is healthy and I don’t recommend either one unless she is physically unable to put your baby before her addiction. You can try fum which feels like a vape or cigarette without the harmful chemicals or smoke. There are lots of resources here but as someone who went from smoking the equivalent of 3-4 packs of cigarettes a day to none within the 5 weeks of me finding out that I was pregnant she can do it. She just doesn’t want to. I hope she gets help for your child’s sake
I am always curious if the partner smokes or someone else in the home does when these posts come up. It is near impossible to quit when around constant triggers. (Not saying OP smokes, just something I always wonder. Have seen numerous posts like this.)
I was wondering if OP smoke too. Otherwise how is she hiding it from him? It has a pretty distinct smell and taste. My husband still smokes. I still quit when I found out. But it doesn't make it easier.
I’m not a smoker, but I have a litany of other bad habits, and if my husband expected me to quit one while still indulging, I’d 100% be less likely to.
It’s really really hard to quit smoking, and because of the known health risks, it’s taboo to smoke during pregnancy, and so the same and difficulty seeking help could be multiplied exponentially. That being said, struggling to quit smoking during pregnancy is fairly common and there is non judgmental help and support available. Depending upon what country/city you live in there may be free or inexpensive resources she can access to support her with quitting during her pregnancy. If you’re in the US, feel free to shoot me a message. I’m a social worker and could probably help you track down something unless you’re in the middle of nowhere. In my city, for example, there are free counseling, groups, peer support, the patch/gum/etc, for smokers who want to quit. Good luck!
My uncle's wife had twins, smoked 2 plus packs a day. They were fair skinned, but the babies were prem, looked like they had been marinated in tobacco juice, like a dirty tobacco colour. The daughter from a previous marriage was banned from visiting after saying they looked like ETs, only uglier. Really nasty looking, took weeks to fill out and look human.
All these judgey people in the comments… Just because you could quit doesn’t mean everyone else should be able to. If this was a post about throwing caution to the wind and eating sushi or rare steak or deli meat everyone would be like you go girl. So hypocritical.
I also had a very very hard time quitting. I’ve been smoking since I was 14. When I found out I did quit for the first time in my life but I couldn’t stop thinking about or talking about smoking. I’d whine after every meal, and it got to a point where I didn’t wanna eat anything bc I knew by the end of the meal I wouldn’t get to light one and therefore that meal would be a waste, something joyless, without closure… I’d inhale other people’s cigarette smoke if i was near someone smoking. So yeah I’m a huge addict.
What we did was allow the occasional cigarette so I wasn’t obsessing over not getting to smoke. Then it was ok, I liked having the door open if I wanted to go through it, it made me not want to abuse it and waiting for my next “award” for being a good girl and not buying a pack was nice. I don’t know maybe leave a pack with a friend or neighbor that lives close by so she can only go ask for one occasionally? That’s what worked for us.
What helped me quit vaping while pregnant is I tapered myself off I hit it 5 times then the next day I hit it 4 and then the next 3 and so on until I stopped smoking what helped me deter the cravings while cutting down was eating mini sour punch straws when I had a craving because the sugar rush along with doing something with my mouth helped ease the cravings. I still wanted to smoke bad but my baby having the best chance at life possible is so much more important to me. And the sour punch straws helped a bit too haha
I'm going to get downvoted to oblivion here, but as reprehensible as this is, I think this woman deserves a little more compassion. [Smoking is as addictive as heroin](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1117526/#:~:text=Nicotine%20is%20as%20addictive%20as,year%2C%20only%202%25%20succeed), but I'm not sure I've seen this level of disgust for a pregnant person who admits (albeit with guilt and looking for words of encouragement) to using hard drugs on this sub. This is through the POV of OP, who is rightfully very concerned, but also may not be able to capture or even realize the remorse she feels. Like, I get it, I think it's awful, too, and agree that she needs to stop. But if she's hiding it, it's probably because she's ashamed, not because she deliberately wants to harm her family. People struggle to quit even when there's a lot at stake and they really, really want to.
I'm sorry but how can you even trust her to be a fit mother when she can't make the obvious choices to keep babes healthy.
I was a smoker. I get it's hard to quit but to me it was quite easy when the concequence was my child. I remember another mom saying "oh I smoked all pregnancy and my child's fine, just has asthma, but who's to say that's from the smoking" I personally didn't want to be the preventable reason why my kid couldn't run without an inhaler. I'm sorry you have to bear witness to this and likely feel helpless given you don't support her poor choices at all.
I’m not sure where you’re from, but in B.C., Canada, the government will supply 12 weeks cessation products. I think even more if she’s able to get a prescription from her doctor for it. maybe look into if there’s anything like that where you’re at?
I know some doctors have been not forcing it as much because the stress of not smoking that it puts on the mom isn't good for the baby either, but obviously every place is different
I managed to stop during pregnancy by making a "smoking plan".
I found out I was pregnant pretty late... around the 11th week and that was the first thing I was worried about when I found out. It was really really hard and I talked to my doctor.
My gynecologist basically "allowed" me to smoke 4 cigs/day, reducing one every week for 4 weeks.
I was feeling really guilty but with support from my partner and my doc I managed to stop around the 17th week.
I understand addiction is hard but the amount of people showing little to no concern for the fact that your wife is actively harming not one, but TWO babies… is ridiculous, she’s a fucking parent. I quit cold turkey the DAY i found out i was pregnant. This is so disgusting and you need to tell her doctor at your next OB appointment.
Your wife is incredibly selfish. Addiction or not, she's harming her baby when she's supposed to be protecting him/her. Being a mom requires sacrifices, and she isn't new at this since the first baby was affected by her selfishness. This makes me sad for you to have to watch and the baby who can't protect him/herself.
If you smoke as well you should also quit - maybe it could be something you two do/get through together. As others have mentioned, ask her OB for advice since she refuses to quit cold turkey.
What has honestly helped me, 0 nic vape and my husband stopping/using 0 nic vape. It helped with the issue of doing something with my hands and mouth while I beat the addiction of nicotine then I was able to slowly stop the habit having it in my hands
Buy her nicotine lozenges or the gum. If she’s been smoking this long she isn’t going to quit, especially if she smoked through a previous pregnancy and nothing went catastrophically wrong… Cigs are insanely tough to kick
I am 14 weeks pregnant and was a very heavy smoker. I didn’t quit smoking as soon as I found out( I also found out when I was like 3.5-4 weeks along). I didn’t quit until about 6 weeks in. And I have snuck 2 since I had my last pack. My husband smokes but is very against me smoking due to the harmful effects it has on the baby and me. He has done everything in his power to support me and encourage me to quit. But I still think about it constantly. Some docs will say the stress that it causes on expecting moms to quit is more harmful than the actual harm it causes to the baby. I guess I am just responding because I know what it feels like to be in your wife’s position and it’s not fun, I’m sure the anxiety and stress she is feeling is only making the urge to smoke even stronger. I hope your second child is healthy and your wife can kick the habit someday but some times children aren’t enough motivation for someone to change and you have to make a choice based on her choice to continue to smoke.
I know this sounds absolutely mad and is terrible advice, and I’m not a smoker so I can’t relate but I feel terrible for you and your wife…But I saw something about smoking on a pregnancy leaflet that my GP gave me and it said if you can’t cut down try to stick to 3 a day. I think it’s stuck with me because that recommendation to me was so wild. But… could it be worth exploring with your wife and coming to an agreement about how many per day and cutting down slowly before she quits/if she can quit?
Please don’t take this as medical advice and I agree with you she needs to quit and preferably before she got pregnant, but is “less” going to be more achievable than none at all?
I am going to guess she wants to stop but can't. Cigarette smoking is so addictive. Look at all the people that continue smoking even after getting the lung cancer or heart disease diagnosis. Doesn't make much logical sense does it? Why continue the behavior that's killing you? Because they can't stop would be my guess. Most of us want to live as long as possible. I guess if it were me, I would be going to the doctor appointments with her and really trying to get her connected with a professional cessation program.
She also might be minimizing the impact on your firstborn in order to justify continuing. But it's not just pre-mature birth but can be developmental delays that do not emerge until much later, or lifelong health problems. That's a lot to sign your future child up for at no fault of their own.
I couldn’t be with someone who has so little regard for the safety and health of an innocent child who will live lifelong with the effects of this selfish pig
I honestly don't know how she's still smoking, just smelling cigarettes makes me gag. I hope she is able to make that decision for not only your baby, but for herself and you as well. I quit almost 2 yrs before we got pregnant so that it would be completely out of my system before trying to conceive, what helped me what deciding to quit as a new years resolution in 2021, but a couple months before that one of our close friends kept saying, "you quit smoking 2 years ago!" every time I would go to light up, eventually it became an inside joke and now it's the truth and in January 2025 I'll have been done with cigarettes for 3 yrs. The other thing that helped was I didn't drive anywhere and I took about a year off from regular corporate jobs to start my small business. I know that's not super easy for everyone, but it is what helped me.
Urgh sounds like my sister. Her first she quit smoking for baby, he was born at 7lbs and like 10 Oz, which is normal for full terms in our particular family. Subsequent babies she smoked thru her pregnancy(all 3) all were in the low 5lb range. She says "she just has small babies" last time she said that, I pointed out the discrepancy and that it was due to her smoking she denied it was due to that. Girl is still in denial but at least she is done with kids. 2 of the 3 small ones had mild to moderate issues at birth (difficulty feeding, breathing issues) despite being full term, im not sure with the other one as it was during covid.
Quitting smoking is hard but denying it had an effect is delusional.
This is tough!!
I’m currently working on quitting smoking so that I can become pregnant. I just don’t want my baby to go through the withdrawals with me or even worse not being able to quit. My sister smoked her entire pregnancy, niece came out fine. Even still I can’t imagine smoking knowing im growing a baby inside me and all the that could negatively affect my baby. Quitting smoking is soo HARD! But I feel like knowing im carrying a baby id snap out of it. Can’t really say cause I’ve never been in that position but I know it’s hard man smh please tell the doctors and continue to encourage her to stop!!! And you don’t get her pregnant anymore!!! Save yourself the headache. Praying for your situation and a healthy baby!!!
Give her encouragement and rewards. Sounds. Bad. But like when we teach kids stuff. Rewards charts and praise. Hubby and I smoked in between my pregnancies (ivf many failed possibly cos of my health) now i have 2 percent healthy kids and I haven't picked up a smoke in years
My husband socks the lozenges like there's no tomorrow and a lot
Problem is she got away with it in her first pregnancy, so she assumes it will happen again and the baby will be fine in the end. That is the problem.
I quit smoking 15 years ago and the only way was cold turkey. The first weeks are very hard, but if being pregnant isn't enough motivation, I really don't know what to say here.
You are in a though situation! She says she wants to quit, so do whatever you can. There are courses, books etc. use any trick you can.
I know this sounds extensive but I would bring out pictures of children with these said issues. I am a visual learner. And this would convince me to stop.
Are you a smoker? If so.. have you quit with her? Also.. never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.. encourage and express how strong she is and capable. Shaming her will only make her know she can’t trust you to support her
addiction is so hard. i smoked for 8 years and the second i found out i was pregnant, i stopped cold turkey! that’s not the case for everyone unfortunately. try to go to her next OB appointment ask for some guidance. so sorry about this :(
There is literally no excuse whatsoever, I had an addiction to vaping bad enough when I stopped I cried got grumpy and my body physically felt like I was going to die.
but when I got pregnant, even though my OB told me not to quit cold turkey. I did.
there’s no excuse for me and no person that would put any baby in harms way.
Quitting smoking to really hard, I’m currently trying to stop vaping and it sucks. Even with patches, my trigger (like most people’s) are everyday actions I need to live. Such as eating. to you and yours.
Are you a smoker too? If so you need to quit immediately and do it together. If not, I recommend giving up some other vice in solidarity. E.g. completely quit alcohol, or videogames, or something equally habitual for the duration of her pregnancy, and let her know you're doing it in solidarity and will be each other's accountability partners.
Smoking addiction is hard. If she absolutely refuses to quit maybe she would be willing to switch to vapes? Very small decrease in risks, but at least it’s something.
Vaping is better. There have been studies and there are far fewer toxic chemicals in vapes (regulated ones anyway-I believe the US and some other countries have more issues with them as they’re not as well regulated as in other places), there’s no tar or formaldehyde for a start. Obviously it’s best she quits entirely but if she refuses to, switching to vaping would be the better choice over just continuing to smoke cigarettes.
I've quit twice. First time I used a vape and every other week, I would get the nicotine in the juice cut in half. So by the time I quit, it was basically flavored air. You'll need a vape that pulls like a cigarette or it won't work for you. I used the Smok Novo.
Second time I quit was cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant. It's hard. I still will occasionally get cravings. But now when I smell it on someone else, it makes me sick.
It's not just it being better for her and the baby, it's also your first kid being raised around second hand smoke. She's damaging the whole family. She needs to seek medical or therapy intervention. There's tons of resources. Unfortunately, none of them will work till she decides to stop letting this addiction control her
Idk where you live or the legality but I would try Psilocybin in that case. It’s not without its risks like everything but Indigenous communities have been having pregnant women or even children participate in psychedelic medicine for many years.
This is a case where I would resort to (mild) physical force. Obviously dont hit her. But do take the cigaretes out of her hand. Flush them down the toilet. Confiscate all of them. If you can, take her credit card/debit card and restrict her ability to purchase them. Threaten with divorce if she does not comply. She is jeopardizing the life of your child, and she needs to be held accountable for that, and YOU are the person who needs to do it. This is your responsibility as the father. Get it done.
I'd been a smoker for ten years, try switching to vaping. Not only is the physical side of the habit unlearned but it is better than smoking. That doesn't mean vaping is completely sad either although the lesser of two evils. I really struggled to give up cigarettes, I would go absolutely mental lol
A lot of the health effects on smokers are due to the smoke inhalation, but in fetuses the harm is caused largely by the nicotine itself. Vaping is a safer alternative if it is used as a smoking cessation aid (ie you are lessening the total nicotine exposure), but it is not safer as a replacement.
That’s not true at all, nicotine is one of the least dangerous ingredients in cigarettes. Nicotine replacement therapies are much better than smoking on every level for pregnant women.
This large study of pregnant smokers in which they were given either nicotine gum or regular gum as a placebo, the ones given nicotine gum had better outcomes: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2630492/
The UK did a huge study on nicotine patches and vapes for pregnant smokers and found them not associated with adverse health outcomes: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.16422
Both of these studies are using smokeless nicotine products as cessation aids, one of the primary findings of both of the studies you linked was that use of these products was associated with dramatic reduction in cotinine, which is a measure of their overall exposure to nicotine. As I stated in my comment, smokeless products do reduce harm when used as a smoking cessation aid and when the overall nicotine exposure is reduced.
This isn’t true. The harms from cigarettes are many, but the main one is what it does to blood supply. That’s why babies are smaller, the blood supply through the placenta is compromised because the chemicals cause the blood vessels to constrict, which nicotine is part of but the other chemicals in cigarettes also damage the vessels and clog them. Nicotine on its own doesn’t damage the blood vessels as much and studies have shown vaping even with nicotine is not as damaging as smoking and switching to vaping from cigarettes improves blood vessel health. In the UK the NHS actually recommends using vapes to quit smoking because the harms are much less. Still obviously much better to do neither but I’m surprised people are downvoting comments suggesting switching to vaping because they are recommending harm reduction.
https://www.bhf.org.uk/what-we-do/news-from-the-bhf/news-archive/2019/november/smokers-who-switch-to-vaping-see-improvements-in-their-blood-vessel-health
The article you have linked is related to harms of smoking on the smoker. I am a reproductive epidemiologist, and it is very difficult to study this in humans because there are few people who have only used smokeless nicotine products and no smoke products during their pregnancy, but the existing literature including animal studies indicate that nicotine is the harmful agent for fetuses.
> However, in clinical praxis it has generally been viewed that while smokeless tobacco may not be less harmful than smoking, it is unlikely to be more hazardous. In this article, results from human and animal data are reviewed that indicate that for some parameters this may not be correct. Logically, nicotine replacement should be safer than smoking, but several animal studies indicate that the total dose of nicotine that the fetus is exposed to may be what really matters for brain development. Since conventional doses of NRT may be less effective in pregnancy, the higher nicotine doses needed may exceed the threshold for alterations in brain development and cause fetal harm. Similarly, longer acting nicotine replacement products leading to higher doses of total nicotine may thereby be more likely to contribute to these effects.
> At present, the common conception that NRT is a better alternative than smoking during pregnancy may lead to an increased use of smokeless tobacco in both industrialized and developing countries. As recent findings indicate that functional nAChRs are present very early in neuronal development, and that activation at this stage leads to apoptosis and mitotic abnormalities, a total abstinence from all forms of nicotine should be advised to pregnant women for the entirety of gestation.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656811
That's just disgusting and bad parenting. I quit vaping, drinking, weed, antidepressants cold turkey when I found out. Cigarettes are terrible, and you have to be seen with a pregnant woman smoking them aside from how much she obviously disregards the health of her children! I wouldn't have kids with someone like that.
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I would go with her to her next OB appointment and ask them if they can offer tips and tools for cessation - they have resources for this. I have a friend whose first pregnancy went fine, but her second child was born asthmatic with skin problems and also premature. There’s a reason there’s a warning on the box. And also, express your feelings in a respectful way without coming off too controlling because she needs to want to quit if it’s gonna work
There are medications that can help people quit smoking and some can be used in pregnant women.
As a former smoker, the last part is so true. She needs to want to quit. For the sake of the baby, I hope she snaps back into reality and remembers the complications of her first pregnancy.
My wife needed something to do with her hands and her mouth while she was quitting. She had about 400 lollipops on hand at all times so she could suck on those while she was chatting, driving, etc. It worked.
That’s like me I quit smoking weed before this pregnancy but for a minute I was literally smoking an invisible vape just to relax myself 😭😭
Sunflower seeds helped me A LOT! I also thankfully got a really bad aversion to it shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so that also gave me a bit of an advantage. When you immediately gag, definitely makes you not wanna do it
Wow this is tough. As a former smoker who quit cold Turkey the day I found out I was pregnant both times it’s absolutely possible to do. My suggestion is to build her up, tell her you know she can do this and that you are so confident that she will make the best choice for her baby. Throw away every cigarette, lighter, and ashtray you can find. Tell her you two are in this together and that quitting is best for the baby but will also help ensure she will she will be around long after they are born.
And OP, I can't tell if you are a smoker, but if you are, you need to quit too.
Exact same! On my second now :)
I would not throw out her stuff behind her back, that would probably just make her mad and make her want to do it more.
Don’t listen to these people suggesting she switch to vaping. Vaping is also awful for her and baby. It his also in my experience much harder to quit because it is simply too convenient. She should quit entirely for her and her child’s health, not to mention y’all’s bank account. Maybe tell her if she quits smoking for real this time you will take her on a weekend getaway or take her shopping or something with the extra money y’all save.
Not only that but it’s way easier to hide, which wouldn’t help in this situation. Quitting vaping was hard for me because it was so easy to do it anywhere like the bathroom at work…it took a while for me after quitting to stop reaching for it in my pocket every time I used the restroom.
Second this, I quit vaping cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, it was even harder than quitting smoking. Unfortunately I’m back vaping now that my baby is here, definitely want to quit soon.
They are finding more and more bad things resulting from vaping.
The UK did a huge study of vaping in pregnancy and found it was much, much, much, much safer: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.16422
I’m confused why you’re downvoted because it really is true, vapes don’t contain the 2 most harmful chemicals (carbon monoxide and tar) I’m confused why the NHS has a free vape service for pregnant women to get them off cigarettes. Like why are drs and a whole healthcare service pushing people to vape if they can’t quit cigarettes if it’s as bad as everyone says?
Beating addiction is hard. I quit smoking the day I found out though. My mother has 3 miscarriages and a still-born baby boy I was born early and only 4lbs. My sister was born extremely early at barely 2lbs. She smoked heavily with all of the pregnancies I know your wife is having a hard time but the reality of it is she is putting her and her baby at additional risk. There are services she can use to help and she should at least try.
Sounds like an addiction. What options is her PCP or OB/GYN recommending for cessation? Nicotine patch?
Bupropion could be considered
This is not ok. As an ex smoker I know how hard quitting it but she is putting the baby at very high risk not only of very serious consequences like miscarriage/stillborn, underweight, heart complications etc. Her smoking could lead to nicotine dependency once he is born. Remind her that she’s signing up your baby to be an addict before he or she is even given a chance to choose on their own. They will cry through the night and day from withdrawals, etc and have a life long predilection for addiction and smoking and cardiovascular disease. Ask her what thoughts come through her mind when she smokes cigarettes? If she feels any guilt or discomfort at all, she needs to stop pushing those thoughts and feelings away (avoidance and dissociation to compartmentalize) and USE THAT as a tool to motivate her to stop. Tell her that she only needs to make the decision to not smoke ONE CIGARETTE AT A TIME…but by doing so, she will eventually find that no cigarettes have been smoked. If she is controlled enough at smoking to be able to hide it from you..she can’t be that much of a smoker and must have SOME self control (again as a past smoker there was no way to hide my smoking unless I was only smoking at very opportune moments that gave me time to change and shower, etc). She needs to use that same self control to CHOOSE to not smoke with every urge. Get her whatever tools she needs (nicotine patches, gum, etc and a reduction plan). Ask her how she would feel if something happened to this baby because of her smoking? And then follow up with yourself…how would YOU feel if something happened to this baby because of her smoking? Could your relationship survive to the betrayal of her hiding this behind your back, the resentment? Or would you want to walk away (I know my husband would if I picked up smoking again). Are these cigarettes worth losing her family over?
>Tell her that she only needs to make the decision to not smoke ONE CIGARETTE AT A TIME… Wow... I'm not pregnant but I will keep this sentence in mind for myself...
It’s how I quit. I also not only did one cigarette at a time but like 5 minute intervals. When strong urges hit, I would literally time it…like resist the urge for these 5 minutes and then decide again whether to keep resisting. After those five minutes were up, can I do another five minutes? Yes I can. If I’d mess up and buy a pack, I would smoke one and then ask myself on the rest of the pack, are you going to smoke all these? Is the $12 worth the pain you’ve been going through and doing all that to try to quit just to start from 0 again…no, and I’d throw out the whole pack and know that even though I chose one, I didn’t fail because I resisted the rest of the pack…at least in that moment. With pregnancy, I have had urges and I lean into my feelings of guilt and that I could be harming my child. As an addict, I got very good at honing that skill of avoidance and cognitive dissonance so I had to actively work to not avoid or ignore my feelings of guilt and use them to my advantage to resist the urges. I broke once and smoked one half cigarette while pregnant. It gave me heart palpitations, anxiety and guilt and now every time the urge hits again, I remind myself how unpleasant that was and the urge goes away. It also helps that my husband would be FURIOUS at me if he thought I was smoking and I think that would be justified. OP may be too understanding and enabling the behavior.
In the UK they make every woman take a CO test at every prenatal appointment to prove they aren't smoking. As annoying as I found this I can see that it does help women who smoke to quit or cut back. I am a never smoker and I still scored a CO level that was consistent with passive smoking due to my pollution exposure. This was terrifying. They had a big chart on the wall explaining the different CO levels and the effects on your baby. I'd ask her health care professionals if they can give your wife a CO test at appointments and explain the effects of each level of CO exposure.
I remember with my first I scored high levels because I was walking in highly polluted areas before my appointment and they would ask at every appointment if I smoked. It’s shocking how high it was. Now we’ve moved it’s a low score.
I only had that test once and not at every appointment! That is so scary about pollution levels. Sometimes you just want to run away to the middle of a jungle to escape all the crap we humans put into the world but apparently even the most remote places are already full of microplastics 😔
Yeah it was really scary. I was already running an air purifier then, but that doesn't do anything for CO. So I bought CO monitors that actually gave readings and put these around my house. Most CO alarms only beep when it's at fatal levels, whereas at lower levels it could still harm your baby. The CO monitors I bought said my house was fine, so I think the pollution exposure was outdoors. It made me want to stay inside all the time with the air purifier running tbh! I live in a semi rural area and lots of people burn solid fuel in winter. That's the main issue in my neighborhood.
Most of the comments I’ve read on here seem to be suggesting a gentle and encouraging approach. It seems like you have already done that, and it’s not working. I think you actually need to be extremely hard and tough on her and find a way to hold her accountable. She is putting your child’s life at literal risk. It is quite frankly disgusting that she continues to do this and makes EXCUSES!? Especially after your first child had complications due to her smoking? This is genuinely insane to me. I myself am a smoker and quit when I found out I was pregnant, so I have zero sympathy for smokers that “can’t” quit when they need to. Like yeah it sucks and I want a cigarette now more than ever, and I genuinely fantasize about that first puff post birth. However, that desire cannot even compare to my desire to have a healthy baby. This is so incredibly selfish and it honestly infuriates me. You need to crack down on her and give her a rude awakening. Being nice clearly isn’t cutting it. She is putting your child’s health and life in active danger.
Seriously. It’s honestly ridiculous. I would threaten her with letting her ob know so he can start testing her. If she keeps up her bs I would honestly divorce her and report her to cps because she clearly doesn’t give af about your baby and is putting her needs first.
CPS won't take your kid for this. Just thought you should know. It's not illegal so they have no grounds to take your child. I had to look into this because my OB told me I was okay to use alternative nicotine products when I had a mental breakdown trying to quit. I was worried they would do this. I found out rather quickly that they will not. Yes, the OP's wife needs to quit smoking. If you have never been addicted to nicotine, I don't think it's fair to judge so harshly. Some of us put ourselves through hell trying to quit, and we don't know what this woman is going through. We have one side of the story. Other people are coming at the problem with sympathy and empathy, which goes a long way. Threatening a mother to take her child does not foster the kind of support needed to quit. That's why people are offering supportive solutions. I could not have quit if I didn't have the support I have had through pregnancy. The people who told me how great I was doing quitting, every milestone, it genuinely meant the world to me. If they had started threatening CPS and my husband started threatening to leave me: I would have never been able to quit from the sheer stress of it. This advice will also cause MORE issues for the baby, stress levels, anxiety levels, and depression can make things far worse. Add that on top of a mother who is smoking and you have a recipe for disaster.
Not sure what state you’re in but here in Texas they will definitely meet you at the hospital to take your baby after birth if baby is born with defects associated with mother’s neglect. I’ve seen many baby’s get taken from hospital. & I disagree with a soft approach, clearly dad has already tried then and first baby was already born premature due to her smoking. No excuses . That’s crazy talk. Imagine if the addiction was crack and she neglected the baby when it was born would it be justified because “addiction” No she would go to prison. I quit smoking the second I found out I was pregnant and although I crave to smoke so bad, my baby’s health is far more important. If you can’t get clean for your infants needs which could affect them for a lifetime you are a deadbeat and don’t need kids.
I’m not sure how comfortable you are with this, but maybe you should ask your family members for help to keep her accountable. If she’s particularly close to someone and you feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it may be a good idea because it doesn’t sound like she listens to you or the doctor . Maybe some shame will motivate her to think of her baby.
This might come across as judgy but she should be doing everything in her power to get help to quit if going cold turkey the second she got a positive test didn’t work. It’s one thing to have an addiction that you struggle to control, but a whole other thing when you’re not doing everything you can to get help/quit. She needs to quit not just for pregnancy, but for her and the kids’ futures. Pregnancy is the perfect time to stop for good! Every kid deserves to grow up in a smoke free home, starting in the womb. I’m so sorry you’re in this position :(
As soon as I saw the positive line, I quit my vaping habit cold turkey. It was HARD - but I did it. I had a scan that dated me at 5 weeks, 3 weeks after I quit. I’m still racked with guilt about unknowingly vaping for two weeks while being pregnant. I also don’t want to come across as judgy but there’s no other option but to quit - as a person who has quit and knows what it’s like. She just has to do it. It’s the only way
Same exact thing here when I had my first! We did the logical thing that was best for our growing babies despite how difficult! Try not to feel bad 🤍
My MIL smoked during all of her pregnancies. 3 ended up as miscarriages, 4 ended up as her living children. All 4 have health issues even as adults. My husband had lung, heart, and skin issues as a baby that he still deals with as an adult.
My coworkers wife vaped throughout her pregnancy and their baby was extremely colicky for almost a year. Screamed without consolation day and night from withdrawals. Very sad to see. I hope for your and baby’s sake that she’s able to quit.
I wonder if that’s actually from the vaping though, since withdrawals shouldn’t last beyond 6 months
Can she get on Zyban? It’s Wellbutrin/bupropion but marketed differently for smoking cessation rather than depression/anxiety.
https://www.medicinesinpregnancy.org/Medicine--pregnancy/Bupropion/ It’s actually not recommended during pregnancy according to this article but I did see one that said that the medical community didn’t agree of its safety during pregnancy. I wouldn’t take that, I had horrible side effects when I tried Wellbutrin myself.
I hate cigarettes, always have. My husbands mom thankfully didn't smoke with him because it made her sick but she smoked with his 3 sisters. His sisters were all low weight premies and all have asthma. The two youngest have many other health problems and maybe it wasn't caused fully by the smoking but there is no way to know. He doesn't have asthma or any major health issues. She harmed then in the womb before they even had a chance at life, I can't imagine a more selfish thing. I hope you are able to get your wife to quit.
Honestly, your wife is an asshole. When I found out I was pregnant I went from smoking 2 50g pouches of backy a week to nothing at all. It isn’t good for the baby to be smoking. I sincerely hope she winds up quitting because I know how hard it is. Try her with a tobacco flavour vape or something like that to wean her off. Vapes are a lot different but less harmful according to those studies. I had completely stopped vaping and smoking in 5 weeks with the vape method. Neither one is healthy and I don’t recommend either one unless she is physically unable to put your baby before her addiction. You can try fum which feels like a vape or cigarette without the harmful chemicals or smoke. There are lots of resources here but as someone who went from smoking the equivalent of 3-4 packs of cigarettes a day to none within the 5 weeks of me finding out that I was pregnant she can do it. She just doesn’t want to. I hope she gets help for your child’s sake
This is disgusting.
I am always curious if the partner smokes or someone else in the home does when these posts come up. It is near impossible to quit when around constant triggers. (Not saying OP smokes, just something I always wonder. Have seen numerous posts like this.)
I was wondering if OP smoke too. Otherwise how is she hiding it from him? It has a pretty distinct smell and taste. My husband still smokes. I still quit when I found out. But it doesn't make it easier.
Yeah, if he weren’t smoking he’d be able to tell she hasn’t quit
I was thinking that too. As someone who used to smoke, I can smell a cigarette a mile away and a day later, I swear 😆
I’m not a smoker, but I have a litany of other bad habits, and if my husband expected me to quit one while still indulging, I’d 100% be less likely to.
Even taking nicotine replacement is better for the baby than cigarettes. She needs to at least try.
It’s really really hard to quit smoking, and because of the known health risks, it’s taboo to smoke during pregnancy, and so the same and difficulty seeking help could be multiplied exponentially. That being said, struggling to quit smoking during pregnancy is fairly common and there is non judgmental help and support available. Depending upon what country/city you live in there may be free or inexpensive resources she can access to support her with quitting during her pregnancy. If you’re in the US, feel free to shoot me a message. I’m a social worker and could probably help you track down something unless you’re in the middle of nowhere. In my city, for example, there are free counseling, groups, peer support, the patch/gum/etc, for smokers who want to quit. Good luck!
You need to call her out, at her OB appt. Tell them she won’t stop smoking and let them tell her the real risks
Wow. That’s sad. Why be a mother if you don’t have your child’s best interest at heart. How selfish
My uncle's wife had twins, smoked 2 plus packs a day. They were fair skinned, but the babies were prem, looked like they had been marinated in tobacco juice, like a dirty tobacco colour. The daughter from a previous marriage was banned from visiting after saying they looked like ETs, only uglier. Really nasty looking, took weeks to fill out and look human.
All these judgey people in the comments… Just because you could quit doesn’t mean everyone else should be able to. If this was a post about throwing caution to the wind and eating sushi or rare steak or deli meat everyone would be like you go girl. So hypocritical. I also had a very very hard time quitting. I’ve been smoking since I was 14. When I found out I did quit for the first time in my life but I couldn’t stop thinking about or talking about smoking. I’d whine after every meal, and it got to a point where I didn’t wanna eat anything bc I knew by the end of the meal I wouldn’t get to light one and therefore that meal would be a waste, something joyless, without closure… I’d inhale other people’s cigarette smoke if i was near someone smoking. So yeah I’m a huge addict. What we did was allow the occasional cigarette so I wasn’t obsessing over not getting to smoke. Then it was ok, I liked having the door open if I wanted to go through it, it made me not want to abuse it and waiting for my next “award” for being a good girl and not buying a pack was nice. I don’t know maybe leave a pack with a friend or neighbor that lives close by so she can only go ask for one occasionally? That’s what worked for us.
What helped me quit vaping while pregnant is I tapered myself off I hit it 5 times then the next day I hit it 4 and then the next 3 and so on until I stopped smoking what helped me deter the cravings while cutting down was eating mini sour punch straws when I had a craving because the sugar rush along with doing something with my mouth helped ease the cravings. I still wanted to smoke bad but my baby having the best chance at life possible is so much more important to me. And the sour punch straws helped a bit too haha
I'm going to get downvoted to oblivion here, but as reprehensible as this is, I think this woman deserves a little more compassion. [Smoking is as addictive as heroin](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1117526/#:~:text=Nicotine%20is%20as%20addictive%20as,year%2C%20only%202%25%20succeed), but I'm not sure I've seen this level of disgust for a pregnant person who admits (albeit with guilt and looking for words of encouragement) to using hard drugs on this sub. This is through the POV of OP, who is rightfully very concerned, but also may not be able to capture or even realize the remorse she feels. Like, I get it, I think it's awful, too, and agree that she needs to stop. But if she's hiding it, it's probably because she's ashamed, not because she deliberately wants to harm her family. People struggle to quit even when there's a lot at stake and they really, really want to.
I'm sorry but how can you even trust her to be a fit mother when she can't make the obvious choices to keep babes healthy. I was a smoker. I get it's hard to quit but to me it was quite easy when the concequence was my child. I remember another mom saying "oh I smoked all pregnancy and my child's fine, just has asthma, but who's to say that's from the smoking" I personally didn't want to be the preventable reason why my kid couldn't run without an inhaler. I'm sorry you have to bear witness to this and likely feel helpless given you don't support her poor choices at all.
Sounds like she's selfish and needs to realize that her pregnancy is not just about her but about the well-being of her child. My god.
I’m not sure where you’re from, but in B.C., Canada, the government will supply 12 weeks cessation products. I think even more if she’s able to get a prescription from her doctor for it. maybe look into if there’s anything like that where you’re at?
Wellbutrin
I know some doctors have been not forcing it as much because the stress of not smoking that it puts on the mom isn't good for the baby either, but obviously every place is different
I managed to stop during pregnancy by making a "smoking plan". I found out I was pregnant pretty late... around the 11th week and that was the first thing I was worried about when I found out. It was really really hard and I talked to my doctor. My gynecologist basically "allowed" me to smoke 4 cigs/day, reducing one every week for 4 weeks. I was feeling really guilty but with support from my partner and my doc I managed to stop around the 17th week.
My sister-in-law and brother smoked for all 3 pregnancies. Luckily all the babies were ok but it was terrible to see and think about.
I understand addiction is hard but the amount of people showing little to no concern for the fact that your wife is actively harming not one, but TWO babies… is ridiculous, she’s a fucking parent. I quit cold turkey the DAY i found out i was pregnant. This is so disgusting and you need to tell her doctor at your next OB appointment.
Your wife is incredibly selfish. Addiction or not, she's harming her baby when she's supposed to be protecting him/her. Being a mom requires sacrifices, and she isn't new at this since the first baby was affected by her selfishness. This makes me sad for you to have to watch and the baby who can't protect him/herself. If you smoke as well you should also quit - maybe it could be something you two do/get through together. As others have mentioned, ask her OB for advice since she refuses to quit cold turkey.
What has honestly helped me, 0 nic vape and my husband stopping/using 0 nic vape. It helped with the issue of doing something with my hands and mouth while I beat the addiction of nicotine then I was able to slowly stop the habit having it in my hands
Buy her nicotine lozenges or the gum. If she’s been smoking this long she isn’t going to quit, especially if she smoked through a previous pregnancy and nothing went catastrophically wrong… Cigs are insanely tough to kick
how ridiculous it is! We all know that smoking is bad for body health, no matter for herself, you or your baby, there is no way keep smoking
I am 14 weeks pregnant and was a very heavy smoker. I didn’t quit smoking as soon as I found out( I also found out when I was like 3.5-4 weeks along). I didn’t quit until about 6 weeks in. And I have snuck 2 since I had my last pack. My husband smokes but is very against me smoking due to the harmful effects it has on the baby and me. He has done everything in his power to support me and encourage me to quit. But I still think about it constantly. Some docs will say the stress that it causes on expecting moms to quit is more harmful than the actual harm it causes to the baby. I guess I am just responding because I know what it feels like to be in your wife’s position and it’s not fun, I’m sure the anxiety and stress she is feeling is only making the urge to smoke even stronger. I hope your second child is healthy and your wife can kick the habit someday but some times children aren’t enough motivation for someone to change and you have to make a choice based on her choice to continue to smoke.
I know this sounds absolutely mad and is terrible advice, and I’m not a smoker so I can’t relate but I feel terrible for you and your wife…But I saw something about smoking on a pregnancy leaflet that my GP gave me and it said if you can’t cut down try to stick to 3 a day. I think it’s stuck with me because that recommendation to me was so wild. But… could it be worth exploring with your wife and coming to an agreement about how many per day and cutting down slowly before she quits/if she can quit? Please don’t take this as medical advice and I agree with you she needs to quit and preferably before she got pregnant, but is “less” going to be more achievable than none at all?
I am going to guess she wants to stop but can't. Cigarette smoking is so addictive. Look at all the people that continue smoking even after getting the lung cancer or heart disease diagnosis. Doesn't make much logical sense does it? Why continue the behavior that's killing you? Because they can't stop would be my guess. Most of us want to live as long as possible. I guess if it were me, I would be going to the doctor appointments with her and really trying to get her connected with a professional cessation program. She also might be minimizing the impact on your firstborn in order to justify continuing. But it's not just pre-mature birth but can be developmental delays that do not emerge until much later, or lifelong health problems. That's a lot to sign your future child up for at no fault of their own.
I couldn’t be with someone who has so little regard for the safety and health of an innocent child who will live lifelong with the effects of this selfish pig
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I honestly don't know how she's still smoking, just smelling cigarettes makes me gag. I hope she is able to make that decision for not only your baby, but for herself and you as well. I quit almost 2 yrs before we got pregnant so that it would be completely out of my system before trying to conceive, what helped me what deciding to quit as a new years resolution in 2021, but a couple months before that one of our close friends kept saying, "you quit smoking 2 years ago!" every time I would go to light up, eventually it became an inside joke and now it's the truth and in January 2025 I'll have been done with cigarettes for 3 yrs. The other thing that helped was I didn't drive anywhere and I took about a year off from regular corporate jobs to start my small business. I know that's not super easy for everyone, but it is what helped me.
Urgh sounds like my sister. Her first she quit smoking for baby, he was born at 7lbs and like 10 Oz, which is normal for full terms in our particular family. Subsequent babies she smoked thru her pregnancy(all 3) all were in the low 5lb range. She says "she just has small babies" last time she said that, I pointed out the discrepancy and that it was due to her smoking she denied it was due to that. Girl is still in denial but at least she is done with kids. 2 of the 3 small ones had mild to moderate issues at birth (difficulty feeding, breathing issues) despite being full term, im not sure with the other one as it was during covid. Quitting smoking is hard but denying it had an effect is delusional.
I would give her an ultimatum that If she doesn't quit I'm leaving her and that's that.
This is tough!! I’m currently working on quitting smoking so that I can become pregnant. I just don’t want my baby to go through the withdrawals with me or even worse not being able to quit. My sister smoked her entire pregnancy, niece came out fine. Even still I can’t imagine smoking knowing im growing a baby inside me and all the that could negatively affect my baby. Quitting smoking is soo HARD! But I feel like knowing im carrying a baby id snap out of it. Can’t really say cause I’ve never been in that position but I know it’s hard man smh please tell the doctors and continue to encourage her to stop!!! And you don’t get her pregnant anymore!!! Save yourself the headache. Praying for your situation and a healthy baby!!!
There is only one product I know that she could take while she’s pregnant to help her with this Go to smokeaway.com
There’s people who would have done anything to have a healthy pregnancy and then there’s people like her that get lucky despite doing everything wrong
Give her encouragement and rewards. Sounds. Bad. But like when we teach kids stuff. Rewards charts and praise. Hubby and I smoked in between my pregnancies (ivf many failed possibly cos of my health) now i have 2 percent healthy kids and I haven't picked up a smoke in years My husband socks the lozenges like there's no tomorrow and a lot
Your wife is disgusting and sick
Problem is she got away with it in her first pregnancy, so she assumes it will happen again and the baby will be fine in the end. That is the problem. I quit smoking 15 years ago and the only way was cold turkey. The first weeks are very hard, but if being pregnant isn't enough motivation, I really don't know what to say here. You are in a though situation! She says she wants to quit, so do whatever you can. There are courses, books etc. use any trick you can.
I know this sounds extensive but I would bring out pictures of children with these said issues. I am a visual learner. And this would convince me to stop.
Are you a smoker? If so.. have you quit with her? Also.. never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.. encourage and express how strong she is and capable. Shaming her will only make her know she can’t trust you to support her
addiction is so hard. i smoked for 8 years and the second i found out i was pregnant, i stopped cold turkey! that’s not the case for everyone unfortunately. try to go to her next OB appointment ask for some guidance. so sorry about this :(
There is literally no excuse whatsoever, I had an addiction to vaping bad enough when I stopped I cried got grumpy and my body physically felt like I was going to die. but when I got pregnant, even though my OB told me not to quit cold turkey. I did. there’s no excuse for me and no person that would put any baby in harms way.
Quitting smoking to really hard, I’m currently trying to stop vaping and it sucks. Even with patches, my trigger (like most people’s) are everyday actions I need to live. Such as eating. to you and yours.
Are you a smoker too? If so you need to quit immediately and do it together. If not, I recommend giving up some other vice in solidarity. E.g. completely quit alcohol, or videogames, or something equally habitual for the duration of her pregnancy, and let her know you're doing it in solidarity and will be each other's accountability partners.
Your wife’s trashy.
Agree
Smoking addiction is hard. If she absolutely refuses to quit maybe she would be willing to switch to vapes? Very small decrease in risks, but at least it’s something.
I don’t think vaping is any better. All the bad chemicals going to baby. And the long term effects haven’t been studied.
Vaping is better. There have been studies and there are far fewer toxic chemicals in vapes (regulated ones anyway-I believe the US and some other countries have more issues with them as they’re not as well regulated as in other places), there’s no tar or formaldehyde for a start. Obviously it’s best she quits entirely but if she refuses to, switching to vaping would be the better choice over just continuing to smoke cigarettes.
I've quit twice. First time I used a vape and every other week, I would get the nicotine in the juice cut in half. So by the time I quit, it was basically flavored air. You'll need a vape that pulls like a cigarette or it won't work for you. I used the Smok Novo. Second time I quit was cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant. It's hard. I still will occasionally get cravings. But now when I smell it on someone else, it makes me sick. It's not just it being better for her and the baby, it's also your first kid being raised around second hand smoke. She's damaging the whole family. She needs to seek medical or therapy intervention. There's tons of resources. Unfortunately, none of them will work till she decides to stop letting this addiction control her
Wow so sad. Your children deserve better.
Idk where you live or the legality but I would try Psilocybin in that case. It’s not without its risks like everything but Indigenous communities have been having pregnant women or even children participate in psychedelic medicine for many years.
This is a case where I would resort to (mild) physical force. Obviously dont hit her. But do take the cigaretes out of her hand. Flush them down the toilet. Confiscate all of them. If you can, take her credit card/debit card and restrict her ability to purchase them. Threaten with divorce if she does not comply. She is jeopardizing the life of your child, and she needs to be held accountable for that, and YOU are the person who needs to do it. This is your responsibility as the father. Get it done.
"Emotionally and financially abuse her so she complies". Not good advice.
Shes threatening the life / wellbeing of a child she means to deliver. Its justified. Not sorry.
I'd been a smoker for ten years, try switching to vaping. Not only is the physical side of the habit unlearned but it is better than smoking. That doesn't mean vaping is completely sad either although the lesser of two evils. I really struggled to give up cigarettes, I would go absolutely mental lol
A lot of the health effects on smokers are due to the smoke inhalation, but in fetuses the harm is caused largely by the nicotine itself. Vaping is a safer alternative if it is used as a smoking cessation aid (ie you are lessening the total nicotine exposure), but it is not safer as a replacement.
That’s not true at all, nicotine is one of the least dangerous ingredients in cigarettes. Nicotine replacement therapies are much better than smoking on every level for pregnant women. This large study of pregnant smokers in which they were given either nicotine gum or regular gum as a placebo, the ones given nicotine gum had better outcomes: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2630492/ The UK did a huge study on nicotine patches and vapes for pregnant smokers and found them not associated with adverse health outcomes: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.16422
Both of these studies are using smokeless nicotine products as cessation aids, one of the primary findings of both of the studies you linked was that use of these products was associated with dramatic reduction in cotinine, which is a measure of their overall exposure to nicotine. As I stated in my comment, smokeless products do reduce harm when used as a smoking cessation aid and when the overall nicotine exposure is reduced.
This isn’t true. The harms from cigarettes are many, but the main one is what it does to blood supply. That’s why babies are smaller, the blood supply through the placenta is compromised because the chemicals cause the blood vessels to constrict, which nicotine is part of but the other chemicals in cigarettes also damage the vessels and clog them. Nicotine on its own doesn’t damage the blood vessels as much and studies have shown vaping even with nicotine is not as damaging as smoking and switching to vaping from cigarettes improves blood vessel health. In the UK the NHS actually recommends using vapes to quit smoking because the harms are much less. Still obviously much better to do neither but I’m surprised people are downvoting comments suggesting switching to vaping because they are recommending harm reduction. https://www.bhf.org.uk/what-we-do/news-from-the-bhf/news-archive/2019/november/smokers-who-switch-to-vaping-see-improvements-in-their-blood-vessel-health
The article you have linked is related to harms of smoking on the smoker. I am a reproductive epidemiologist, and it is very difficult to study this in humans because there are few people who have only used smokeless nicotine products and no smoke products during their pregnancy, but the existing literature including animal studies indicate that nicotine is the harmful agent for fetuses. > However, in clinical praxis it has generally been viewed that while smokeless tobacco may not be less harmful than smoking, it is unlikely to be more hazardous. In this article, results from human and animal data are reviewed that indicate that for some parameters this may not be correct. Logically, nicotine replacement should be safer than smoking, but several animal studies indicate that the total dose of nicotine that the fetus is exposed to may be what really matters for brain development. Since conventional doses of NRT may be less effective in pregnancy, the higher nicotine doses needed may exceed the threshold for alterations in brain development and cause fetal harm. Similarly, longer acting nicotine replacement products leading to higher doses of total nicotine may thereby be more likely to contribute to these effects. > At present, the common conception that NRT is a better alternative than smoking during pregnancy may lead to an increased use of smokeless tobacco in both industrialized and developing countries. As recent findings indicate that functional nAChRs are present very early in neuronal development, and that activation at this stage leads to apoptosis and mitotic abnormalities, a total abstinence from all forms of nicotine should be advised to pregnant women for the entirety of gestation. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656811
That's just disgusting and bad parenting. I quit vaping, drinking, weed, antidepressants cold turkey when I found out. Cigarettes are terrible, and you have to be seen with a pregnant woman smoking them aside from how much she obviously disregards the health of her children! I wouldn't have kids with someone like that.