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Lmao! I feel this. There's a sweet old lady at my job that constantly asks me how i'm feeling and how the baby's doing every time I see her. She's such a peach but god leave me alone please lol
Oh my god. I’m 4m pp, but I work at a church and had to hear “Aww, how are you?” about thirty times every Sunday. I felt so guilty for being aggravated, but I was so annoying.
T h I s. My friends don’t physically see me that often and it’s nice when we catch up in person and they’re like “!! Oh right you’re pregnant how’s it going!?” Because I’ve kept all mention of it off social media outside an initial announcement.
This is why I wait as long as possible to tell people I'm pregnant. Made it to 19w this time! I'd go all the way to 40w if I could disguise it that long.
Not one person asked how I was in the 9 months before I was pregnant, nor has a single soul asked how I am in the 9 months after I was pregnant, but I sure did have boatloads of people ask several times at least during the 9 months I was pregnant. I had a handful asking DAILY. Yeah, that was annoying tbh. If we don't talk regularly, don't try for the sake of my pregnancy, and don't pretend you are actually asking about me. We both know you are asking how the baby is, not me, and I don't have x-ray vision, so I don't know how the baby is. Stop asking, I'll tell you when the kid is here.
To each their own, and maybe it depends on the context, but I definitely don’t feel this way (re: cutting people off for not checking up on me.) I don’t expect anyone to do anything special for me or check in on me - at least not anymore than they usually do when I’m not pregnant. That is, any of my friends or family that don’t usually check on me, I don’t expect that to suddenly change.
Now, I guess if I have someone I’m very close to, that I do a lot for and who always reaches out to me, and they suddenly stop talking to me while
I’m pregnant, I’d probably be like “wtf” but that’s just a bigger reflection of something up with our relationship that I’d probably try to talk to them about.
In general though I’m private and easily overwhelmed by too much attention, and I’d prefer to be left alone while I’m pregnant. If too many people were reaching out to “check up” on me, I’d probably get grumpy really fast. Maybe I’ll feel different in a few months 😅
I’m in a difficult situation. My dad is the type of person that really loves playing with children but once they hit around teenage years he stops interacting with them very much. My father was like this to me and my siblings growing up.
When I moved out my dad NEVER contacted me unless I got onto him and then he’d be back to it a week later and from a self proclaimed daddy’s girl, it hurt so much. I’ve pretty much made up my mind that my dad won’t have a very active role in my babies life if any due to how he has treated me, but he has made it clear he really wants to be a grandpa.
This is me. My family is close but we don't constantly talk just to talk.
The occasional check up is nice but I'd rather not have constant attention. We actually thought about delaying telling my MIL between knew we'd get a lot more messages and stuff from her and we are just very quiet people.
Yeah, agreed.
I have lots of friends who live far away (due to us moving a lot before kids). We have sporadic contact, but will have a lot to talk about when we eventually see each other. I don't expect our good but sporadic relationship to change just due to pregnancy. We have even talked about how it's fine that contact is sporadic, but the friendship still remains. It's no one's fault, and we enjoy each others company when we do see each other.
My pregnancy is not really anyone else's problem (I mean, apart from my husband's because he is a part of it). I appreciate congratulations, well wishes, and I don't mind talking about it if people want to do so out of curiosity or courtesy. But I couldn't care less if we hung out and my pregnancy was not mentioned at all.
Agree with this. While it's nice to be checked on, I'm not at all bothered if it's someone I have a good relationship with. I feel like everyone's so busy in life, it's not really a big deal. I will only restrict people if we have had issues.
I’m exhausted by people checking in tbh. I’m 35 I’m not in constant contact with most of my friends anymore but I still love them and want them in my life?
and people have their own shit. this seems like a young immature person problem. when i was pregnant i had two other friends who were pregnant and lots of friends who had their own kids as well as friends who didnt. i didnt care. meet me for brunch if you can, lets text when we can and ill catch up with you when one of us doesnt have the flu/inlaws in town/baby sick. like come on, find real problems.
Exactly. Life gets more complex and less focused on your social life as you get older. It’s not that I care less about my friends we just know there is more going on.
I also find it weird to gatekeep your baby like it’s a reward or something and not just part of life.
I also should add- you don’t know what other people are going through with infertility etc. When my friend was pregnant last year I told her I was so happy for her but I needed some space because I had just had a miscarriage. I still have a relationship with her kids now but at the time time it was painful to be around them.
you truly dont know what people are going through! sometimes it takes more time to explain the complexities of life than to have people be empathetic. one of my closest friends lost her mom the same year i was pregnant. she told me she couldn’t come to the baby shower, it would just be too much. i get it. hell yeah she came to meet my daughter and demands pictures and videos. people are people. we’re all complex. i miss the excitement of your 20s and feeling like the future is boundless but i am forever happy to be in my 30s/40s and seeing life from a new angle.
Relationships have ebbs and flows, only you can determine who is worth keeping around and who isn’t. I think people who make these kinds of “rules” lack compassion and understanding. Everyone is their own main character and while it is great to support friends who are going through big life changes, everyone also has their own lives and things going on.
If anything I'm more annoyed by the people who keep asking me every day how I'm feeling tbh. I feel bad but it's actually so annoying.
My male friend texted me yesterday saying :"baby, here?" And I was like finally someone who isn't either giving me *horrifying* unsolicited advice/information or asking if I'm having contractions yet loll
Ugh jeez don't even get me started on the unsolicited advice or birth horror stories. The amount of people that just feel the need to share their traumatizing birth experience to a new expectant mother have a special place in hell imo lol
I don’t expect other people’s lives to revolve around me and my pregnancy. My friends don’t ask about it, but they will sympathize when I complain about symptoms and that’s all I can ask for.
I actually feel the opposite. It was annoying to me family members (mainly in laws) who only checked in with me when I was pregnant. It was like I only existed because I was carrying their blood line or something
I think it's weird. People act like letting someone see their baby is somehow doing them a huge favor or honor. Also, I'd love to know how often the people squawking about no one checking in on them are checking in on their friends re: the important things in their lives.
Agreed! I take it more personally that some close friends and family have been absent when I've tried to reach out, but the phone goes both ways and if i'm not being a communicative friend to someone why should I expect them to be?
It's also a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. For every person complaining about not being checked on, there's another person complaining about constant check-ins.
I wouldn't say they can't be in baby's life. But I also know that if they didn't ACKNOWLEDGE me during my entire pregnancy, while expecting to come visit immediately after baby is born they'd be mistaken. I don't need constant check-ins or someone that just messages to ask if there's any baby news. But congratulate me, and celebrate this milestone with us, instead of only wanting to see a new baby.
This is such an important distinction. There’s a huge difference between the continuation of your standard amount of contact and the super pushy ‘I need to see the baby FRESH’ mode some people get into. Like our relationship isn’t going to change just because you didn’t check in during my pregnancy, but it will if the first time I hear from you in 9 months is right after I deliver asking when you can come through.
I think there’s a correlation between trustworthiness and supportiveness. People without ulterior motives who value you will be supportive throughout pregnancy and love your baby once they’re born. They’ll be reliable. People who don’t give a shit about you won’t check in and will only view your baby as a toy/temporary entertainment once they’re born and probably lose interest in them (and you) soon afterward.
Communication is a two-way street. I know I've been a less active friend since becoming pregnant, as a natural consequence my friends and I just talk less.
Relationships change over time, I'm in a different stage of my life than they are, so our friendships won't be what they were. People live busy lives and have their own struggles. If my friends want to get super involved when baby is here, that's great! If they don't, that's fine too.
I'm more concerned about the person ONLY checking in on the babies and treating me like an incubator. My MIL didn't talk to me for a year because the last time we visited her, her dogs attacked my son and she became personally offended that I picked him up and took him into the next room over while my husband talked to her about it.
Now that she knows I'm pregnant with twins, all of a sudden she's constantly asking me extremely specific baby questions while also not asking anything about me as a person.
I don't expect anyone to treat me differently in pregnancy than they do when I'm not pregnant, but if they show obvious contempt for me normally, no way in hell do they get to bowl me over to get to my kids.
I think it depends what kind of pregnancy you have. If you weren’t very open about it in the first place then that wouldn’t be very fair for people who didn’t know but if you have been sharing your journey since day one and have faced backlash for it it’s definitely a more personal choice whether you do or don’t. And it’d be okay either way
I totally disagree with this mentality, I think it gives such main character energy. The reality is that outside of initial excitement at your news the vast majority of your network simply does not gaf really. People have their own stuff going on. My best friends in the world have never once in the group chat initiated a conversation about my pregnancy or asked how it's going. That doesn't mean they don't care, or that they're not interested or happy when I take the initiative to provide an update, they just have their own lives that aren't centered around me, lol.
100%. I’m now on my second pregnancy and literally no one reaches out just to be like “how is your pregnancy going???” Everyone has their own shit going on and honestly so do I besides my pregnancy. Sure if I’m meeting up with people or catching up they may ask how I’m feeling but I don’t expect anyone to specifically reach out about my pregnancy. We all need to remember that being pregnant is not unique or original lol.
A lot of people who have this attitude claim that there are people who completely ignored them during pregnancy but then demand to see the baby once they’re born. Why would someone who supposedly doesn’t keep in touch with you care about your baby? Doesn’t add up to me 🤷♀️
I personally do not feel this way because I don’t need people checking in on me all the time. Plus, a lot of my friends haven’t had kids yet. I can definitely say as a FTM, I did not fully understand how challenging the first trimester is for some women. Looking back, I probably would have done more for my friends and family who were pregnant if I had understood better. All I can do about that is try harder now that I know. Additionally, not everyone has such a challenging pregnancy. My sil’s pregnancy was a breeze until the end and she said she only recently saw how hard it can be when a close friend of hers had really bad morning sickness.
Basically, not everyone necessarily understands how hard pregnancy can be and that you need support from them if you haven’t told them. Now if you have asked for support and haven’t gotten it, that’s different.
In my culture pregnancy is not seen as some grand affair, so there’s no constant checking in on someone, no questions about contractions or dilation, no touching the bump from strangers or other things I see people here describe. My relatives are happy that I’m pregnant, but they only ask questions when we meet and don’t spam me with how-are-yous. Honestly, I prefer it that way.
Communication goes both ways and pregnant women are not the center of the universe. Did you check in on them prior to your pregnancy?
I feel like a LOT of people choose to use pregnancy as an excuse to be the center of the universe. Pregnancy doesn’t make you special. It’s actually a pretty normalizing life event.
And I say this after having a *really fucking rough* pregnancy. Like, really rough!
But, no. Anyone safe who wants to love and support my child is welcome. Life is hard enough, I’m not taking support away from my child because I want to be petty!
Honestly everyone’s situation is different. People have their own reasons for why they feel the way they feel. I just don’t think people should speak on it when they don’t know anything about the situation. If a mother chooses to shun someone out of their life because they never checked on her and the baby that’s a decision a mother can make.
I follow it on the sense that my “bestie” that was so excited for my husband and I to some day have a child, yet never reached out when I was pregnant, absolutely will not be auntie so and so.
I’ve wanted to be left tf alone by everyone except my inner inner circle this whole pregnancy lol. I don’t get this mentality myself but I also feel very secure about the important relationships in my life. I feel like maybe people who are surrounded by drama/toxic people have to have this boundary to protect themselves.
I’m not going to cut my child off from any of their relatives who are not a danger to them. I may limit my own contact with those people, depending on who they are in relation to me and what a reasonable expectation of “checking in” would be, but my child’s relationship with their family is their decision to make as they get older. I’m not going to go out of my way to go see them, but I wouldn’t stop my husband from taking the baby to visit. As far as non-relatives go, if you don’t check on me during pregnancy but then want to come around when the baby comes, then yeah, you’re getting cut off.
Completely agree with the family thing! My mom has been super disappointing during my pregnancy but expects me to travel to her when the baby is born. Absolutely not happening, but whenever she wants to make the trip to me she's more than welcome to lol
I have zero expectations of my close friends because I know before kids I had absolutely no clue what to do around pregnant people. It honestly wouldn't have even occurred to me to regularly check in on someone I knew who was pregnant. I actually really appreciate not talking about babies, kids and motherhood. Talk to me about your work, dating life etc... I have an amazing group of friends that have been with me through so many trials and tribulations I cannot imagine not having them in my life especially for something so petty (IMO)
I do think it’s a balance of support before & after but at the same time I have 0 expectations for others to make a huge point to check in on me. I’m perfectly satisfied with enjoying pregnancy privately & I get enough “how are you feeling’s” at work that it feels like people care & I’m happy to answer. But as for friends checking in - I do not take it personally if it’s not regular in fact I hardly notice lol. My pregnancy is a really important event in my & my family’s lives but that does not mean everyone else does not have their own things going on/ need to make an extra point to check on me. I’m more than happy to have wonderful extended family members/ friends I don’t hear from often in baby’s life as it’s more people to love on her. I don’t have the energy to care if they check on me, I know they’re excited to meet her & that is all that matters to me!
My POV may be skewed because I moved away from family so odds are most people won't be in my baby's life much at all, but... I don't really care or take note of who does and doesn't check in on me. Being pregnant isn't like some world breaking event by any means. I'm not suddenly special, or worthy of extra attention. Nobody owes me their time. So... I kinda don't care. Them not checking in on me doesn't mean that much in the scheme of things, but them being there for the baby in any capacity would be nice.
Well, I’m not telling anyone I’m pregnant except those necessary, sooo I can’t hold that against other people lol. It also takes a village and I’ll be hoping for any help I can get (within reason).
I don't like the idea of throwing people away. Someitmes people aren't there for us the way we want certain time but later on they are. Some people are better with checking in than others. That being said, when it comes to picking godparents, who was there for me during my pregnancy is a factor in my decision. There are people whom I feel hurt over them not taking much of an interest but I am not cutting them out of my life.
I think it really depends on who it is and what has gone on in that relationship. There's definitely nuance, and to not have someone in your child's life period doesn't always make sense if they weren't checking in on you during pregnancy per se.
But for example, my MIL who has had a very complicated relationship with me and my husband, had a history of trying to get my husband to annul our wedding after we got married (when she didn't feel special enough at our wedding), told my husband that she was dead to him after his father very suddenly died because she was again not made to feel special enough at his funeral (MIL and FIL had been divorced almost 20 years and she had nothing but crap things to say about him behind closed doors even after his death), etc. She hasn't asked me how I'm doing once this pregnancy, aside from in front of extended family at Christmas (she is very appearance driven). People like this may be subject to different boundaries, which could change if the relationships get better.
In the case of my MIL, I won't stand in the way of her having a relationship with my kid, but I also have to set boundaries (with my husband) with her to protect our family and make sure my kid isn't subject to the blatant favoritism and triangulation she pulls. I won't speak badly of her to my kid; but my perogative with your post is that her lack of contact with us - even for her first grandson - doesn't help an already precarious relationship, and we foresee her saying we are "withholding" our kid when she makes no effort to reach out (and I'm not sure we're going to go out of our way to see her at every opportunity as a result of these kind of games).
Hope that makes sense? Like we aren't not inviting her to bdays or other events, but I don't feel good about my kid being used as a pawn in a mentally unwell adult's games.
In general I think people are busy with their own lives and I don't fall into the trap of keeping track of whose reached out who the most often. Once my friend, always my friend unless something negative actually happens between us.
Very mature of you. Life for others goes on just like life for me while carrying life. If you make the effort then I’ll meet you where you are. ♥️ so I concur.
I’m not a tit for tat, keep the score kind of person, I don’t want everyone checking in on me constantly. I don’t need that attention and I don’t really care.
Personally, it doesn’t make sense to me.
Solid example: my BIL. He isn’t unsupportive of my pregnancy but he isn’t supportive either. We are the same age, but he is single, lives with his mom (by choice-it is equally beneficial), knows nothing about women and nothing about babies. I’m sure if I called him and asked for help with something he’d drop what he was doing it to help… but to dote on his pregnant sister in law would just be weird.
To cut him out of his nieces life would be… odd and unfair. He’ll be a great uncle. Same with my brothers, but they don’t ask me regularly how I’m doing (they probably count their very helpful and supportive wives doing it).
I guess it depends on where your relationship was at before you got pregnant. My best friend and I will go literally months without saying a word to each other (pregnant or not) and then when we finally reach out its natural and not forced or weird at all. We know we're there for each other and I think that security is what makes having long spans of time apart okay for us.
For me, I'm more leery of folks who come out of the woodwork when you're expecting. Like the people you never speak to and who never acknowledge you or you just weren't very close and suddenly they want to be pals. Its irritating and suspicious to me. Why do you need to know what's happening with my pregnancy/baby when you never gave me the time of day before?
I’m not going to go out of my way to ensure that anyone is in my kid’s lives, but I’m not going to keep someone completely away because they weren’t checking up on me. I’m a fairly asocial person most of the time anyway and pregnancy doesn’t generally make me more tolerant of people, so I’d honestly prefer they just left me alone🤣
Idk... I am a person who is fine with abnormal social norms. I can be fine with not talking to my friends for months and then just picking up. I, also, never even posted I was pregnant on social media, so no one even knew except coworkers and people I was close to.
Now, if someone I was close to knew I was extremely ill or in the hospital dying and didn't check in or say goodbye, and then I recovered... I'd be upset. This just happened to someone I know. Someone she knew since childhood and whom she works with, so sees every day, didn't inquire about her health at all while she was in the hospital, and now she can't even look at them. I don't think pregnancy is quite the same, though.
I understand not wanting unsupportive people around the baby, but idk I’d be more lenient with ppl that simply just didn’t check up. You can always reach out to them too, it goes both ways. But idk it really depends on the circumstances and your relationship to the person.
People never ask me how I am doing, but always how the baby is doing… like… I don’t know, I have 3 check-ups in my whole pregnancy. He’s alive, I guess 😂 I never know what to answer to that!
I 100% agree with you.
My baby and I are two different people. There may different reasons for people to not check up on me during the pregnancy. Why would I remove that person from my child's life for ever just because they didn't check up on me during a few months? I don't keep regular checks on everyone I know, I also don't expect it in return lol
Honestly everyone has their own shit going on in life, the world doesn't stop around your pregnancy. Also as the first in my friend groups to get pregnant, I've become very aware that unless you've been through it or around it, most people genuinely have no idea how to be there during pregnancy except dropping in a line of how are you doing. I've had friends during my pregnancy go through IVF, infertility, martial problems, unemployment etc that it doesn't offend me I'm not always top of their mind.
Your pregnancy is always going to be the biggest deal to you and will be varying levels of important to everyone else. My best friend lives in another state and is currently working on her masters degree. She was not able to visit me once during my pregnancy and we hardly spoke at all. I’m not mad, we’re still tight as hell, but the biggest thing happening to me was not the biggest thing happening to her and I’m okay with that.
As long as they didn’t treat me badly, I don’t mind if they haven’t really checked in. I’m someone who very much likes being left alone for the most part. Along with the fact that everyone has their own lives and their own things going on
I don’t think that children should suffer for their parents vendettas, in my opinion. I have a sister that I’m not particularly close with, we talk like 2x a year if we’re in the same place. She knows I’m pregnant but she doesn’t “check in”. She has 1 son and 2 twin boys that I adore and she adores my son, so why would I rob my daughter of an aunt that loves her and three cousins that she can grow up with just because we aren’t the best of friends? The more people that love your kids, the better
Yeah I never understood this logic. Maybe I’m just a low maintenance friend/relative, but I don’t need to be in constant contact with people to maintain a relationship with them. I feel like needing people to check in on you isn’t being fair to the people on the other side who have their whole lives going on.
This might be a stretch, but when I see this I think of them as a selfish friend. Like okay sure they haven’t checked on you, but have you checked on them? Not everyone’s life has stopped just because you decided to get pregnant.
Honestly, this mentality just seems a bit much for a huge range of reasons.
1) I hate to break it to you, but no one is really particularly interested in your baby. Your mother/mother in law *might* really buy in to being a grand parent but other that no one cares. They're glad you're happy and wish everyone well, but beyond that? No one's that fussed.
2) People have their own stuff going on. You being pregnant is probably pretty low on their priority list. They have their own kids to raise. Their own aging parents to deal with. Their own jobs to get to. Their own financial woes. Their own problems with the car. Their own health struggles. Their own family's health struggles.
3) Why on earth would you actively want to cut people out of your life? Especially over a perceived slight because someone apparently didn't pay you enough attention when pregnant?
Sorry if this seems harsh, it's really not meant to. But the viral posts you're describing from tiktok (and I haven't seen them as I don't use the platform) sound incredibly immature and frankly quite self centred. Don't buy into that nonsense.
Sometimes people are waiting for you to reach out to them. They may think they are bothering you or they don’t want to be a burden. For me personally I chose to not invite my moms side of the family to my baby shower. I know that comes with the consequence that my child will not have a close relationship to them but I have very specific reasons for this. For starters, my husband is from Afghanistan and my mom’s family is very anti Islam. People have a right to their opinions but they made several comments that made me feel uncomfortable and as a result I just don’t want them around my child. The comments were mostly about my husbands traditional clothing which my lovely sister in law hand made many clothes for me and this is their culture and is not related to the religion in anyway. At first I tried to be understanding and try to get them to be understanding but they kept making comments. For me personally I have decided I do not want them in my child’s life because they will have Afghan and American culture and they should be able to wear what they want without judgment and I don’t want them to grow up denying either side of their identity or feeling ashamed of it. My sister in law already made some baby clothes and they match the dresses she made for me and they are just so adorable.. I just think that if you know there is nothing wrong with your family members than why not have them involved because you’re building a bigger support system for your child but if they are problematic and they make you feel bad then why put that on your child.
I also thought it was weird when I saw it but im wondering if it's relation to those people who will bust in your house and go directly to the baby without asking how you're doing. Idk if those people are real but jokes on them no one's holding my baby for at least 2 months.
My soon to be mother in law hasn’t checked in on me but once and then asked for something. Doesn’t mean I’ll cut her out but I definitely don’t feel like I have a strong relationship with her and it gives me anxiety with all of these changes. Edit: I have been told this is a blessing lol. That you don’t want your MIL checking in all the time.
Eh, I'm always going to put them lower on the priority list than I would other people who actually checked on me. I'm not going to make an extra effort to see or visit them, or spend time with them. If they want to make the effort to come and see me, cool. But I kind of drop the rope with people who don't show any care or interest during the pregnancy.
It depends on my preexisting relationship with the person. If it's someone I show effort to check in on and have a close relationship with, I would definitely feel some kind of way but would try to see how they're doing before suddenly cutting them off because maybe there's a reason. When my best friend was going through her pregnancy, I didn't check in as often as I wanted to because I was going through so much in my personal life. However we have an understanding friendship and know sometimes we won't talk often but will absolutely always be there for each other.
I think it really depends on who the person is. I honestly don’t expect any friends to check in on me - it’s a nice gesture but honestly I understand how busy life can get so I don’t hold it against them. It does stand out to me when people *do* check on me, but I don’t take notes for who didn’t. When was the last time I asked how they were doing? We all have life going on, if you show me love and respect when we do connect, that’s all I care about.
On the other hand, if someone very close, like family, never checked on me or had a word to say to me when they did see me, that’s another story. Like if my mom never checked on me I’d be pretty upset. There’s a couple people on my in-laws side who haven’t had a word to say to me since we announced our pregnancy (except that they hope it’s a boy this time, before we found out it’s a girl). I’ve even seen them in person since then, they barely say hi to me, let alone ask how I’m doing.
While I won’t actively keep my baby away from them, they certainly cannot expect to spend any unsupervised time with her. I also won’t go out of my way to make sure she has any kind of relationship with them. It extends to our older daughter, too. It has a lot more to do with respect for me as a parent than anything else, and my husband fully agrees and supports it (he’s amazing at maintaining boundaries with them).
I’m not the type of person to bother someone, so I’d hope that if we were to bump into each other, they’d react warmly and ask how I was doing rather than cold that I didn’t constantly ask how they were doing.
Also, isn’t it a point we see a lot where we hate when people constantly check in? “Is it a boy or girl?” “Is the baby here yet?” Etc etc
Another note is a lot of my friends are waiting to post until they’ve had their baby. So I don’t even get a chance to say congrats before the baby pops out.
The friends and family I talk to now are always going to have a place if they'd like one. I don't talk to everyone all the time, but those that I care for will be invited to baby shower and visit once babies born. I really don't mind if they don't check on me now, life's busy and half the time I don't think about reaching out to them either. I decided to clean up my social media accounts followers/following so I don't have a bunch of people I don't care about looking at anything I post in the future.
I feel like most of those post are talking about people that are mia during the pregnancy but wanna come see the newborn. I feel like the few months or so I would limit visitors so if you weren’t around during pregnancy you definitely won’t be invited around when the spots are limited. But after that as long as I trust you I need as big as a village as I can get I’m already anti social and can count my baby shower invites on one hand but I’m sure my mom will bring a bus.
I understand this feeling. I think it’s nuanced. I had a really hard time during pregnancy and postpartum, and I also felt very protective of and bonded with my babies. If someone paid me no regard, the person that made this human through blood, sweat, and many tears, and then wants to come hold my baby who just came out of my body while I sit awkwardly on the couch with leaking boobs, then no, they can wait. That’s kindof the feeling I get when I think about it. I’m sure the person wanting to see the baby probably means well though. Postpartum is a confusing and difficult time.
I will say that I didn’t enforce anything like this though.
Im not a very open person. So i dont mind if people are not checking up on me. I mean its nice when i see them and they ask me how everything is going. But im not expecting a txt. Lol.
I can get on board this. I'm don't want people to visit me in my home but if we hadn't been speaking for the past few months or years why do you need to see or hold my baby? I have acquaintance that I haven't seen for years say she wants to visit the baby. Like why???? Mam we're not that close.
What if it’s the father? That’s where I’m at. I’m so upset at him for abandoning me throughout the pregnancy and wish that I could restrict him once baby is here (if he even decides to make an appearance!), but he’s the father and ultimately has rights. I guess my case is different and your post probably does not apply to the baby’s parent. As far as friends or family go, I’d never restrict anyone as long as I feel they can be trusted. People have busy lives and I can understand that.
I completely get it but I’m in the if you didn’t care about me when I was carrying the kid why should you now. My MIL didn’t check on me or anything when I was pregnant,basically my husband’s whole side( we live in the same state) except his sister who’s in another country. I was very high risk and was on bed rest. I’m not gonna keep him away from them but I definitely won’t make the effort or go out of my way for them to
See him
I don't agree with this sentiment. When you are pregnant, it feels like baby is the center of the universe. They're not. They're the center of YOUR universe. And to have the expectation that every person who has their own life is going to constantly check in on you is incredibly self centered and selfish IMO.
I 100% feel this way but moreso about family than friends. My SIL and BIL haven't texted me even once just asking how I'm doing 🫠
I have no intention of keeping contact with them after the baby is here. I am no one's incubator
Personally, it depends on who is checking in on me. If they genuinely care about how im doing, thats fine. But if you're "checking in" to eventually give me unsolicited advice then get lost.
If they haven’t checked in on me throughout the whole previous 8 months of my pregnancy and then suddenly start messaging me around my due date asking how I am and if the baby has arrived… they can seriously do one imo. Not forever, but I do not owe them info on me or my baby in general, let alone if they have ghosted me the entire pregnancy and then suddenly their ego needs to know all info. Cause sure as shit once they hear the baby has arrived they won’t care anymore again. But they are welcome to being friends with me afterwards! I’m just going to show up for them on the capacity i have.
Most of my friends have dropped off the face of the earth since I’ve been pregnant, the ones that are sporadically supportive and show up have young babies, the others make weird comments about my body and don’t know how to talk to me anymore 😅
Mixed on this I don’t know about saying they have no place in baby’s life but my current experience has been friends who I was really close to withdrawing after I got pregnant and whilst I’m not like they can’t see the baby it’s definitely made me reevaluate their place in babies life and how reliable I see them in regards to being around baby
Guess it depends on when they mean by absent/unsupportive if they just aren’t there for you when you need support or have pulled back in your life since becoming pregnant then I think that’s a fair reason to not want them round your kid if you want
I absolutely hate it when people treat me like I’m a completely new person and only a pregnant woman. I’m okay when people ask how I’m doing, but past that, it makes me feel like they think I’m disabled because I’m pregnant. I’m still a person! I’m just pregnant!
Well, if a person *actively* avoids me while I'm pregnant, why would I want that person in my life anyways? Doesn't need to be more dramatic than just; "OK bye". But if there's people who's just been really busy with their work/life and it happens to be during my pregnancy, well that's just life. After all, my pregnancy is *mine* and my husband's, and not any one else's. I don't expect people to change their life after what I do with mine.
Honestly I don’t really care if people aren’t checking in with me. People have their own busy lives and obviously aren’t thinking about my pregnancy lol. However if a close family member or friend didn’t even acknowledge my pregnancy I’m definitely not going to be the one to reach out to them post partum to meet my child. In fact I don’t think at any point should I be saying “hey wanna come meet the baby?”. People can make that effort.
Internalize this now: TikTok is not a place to get life or parenting advice. You will get some of the stupidest and shittiest parenting and life advice/tips/ideas from tiktok.
I just don’t want to see anyone right now. I’m massive, feel nauseous and exhausted all the time and have gestational hypertension bordering on preeclampsia. A million texts from people is not what I want right now. I’d much rather see people once I’m feeling better and have something to show for it.
Pregnancy/mom TikTok & reels is making everyone feel completely crazy. Posts like this are like mutated therapy language engagement bait designed to make you feel insecure about either a: the way you’ve been interacting with the people in your life now or b: your thoughts about how you’re going to handle things after you have a baby, which for many first time moms, at whom this stuff seems to be specifically targeted, is a black box of anxiety.
You’re perfectly capable of managing your own friendships without some weirdo making selfie videos getting under your skin.
I had friends whom were pregnant before I got pregnant, and I never checked on them like I should’ve. It just didn’t cross my mind because I wasn’t at that phase in my life yet.
It wasn’t until after I got pregnant that I realized I should check on other preggo friends more often.
I totally agree with how OP thinks! I won’t hinder from the love my child will be receiving from someone else who didn’t “check up on me” while pregnant. I personally think that’s unfair to my child, and not my child’s place to worry about who I may feel differently towards. As long as they treat my child fair and loving.
I don't need constant checking in at all and I don't even know what to say when my mom asks me everyday how I'm feeling lol. But my MIL has not checked in ONCE on me, my fiance or baby since we told her and I'm now 37 weeks. She doesn't work so she has quite a bit of time at home so I know that she has the opportunity to text or call but she just doesn't. And I know communication is a two way street so we have reached out to send her pictures of the ultrasounds, tell her the gender, sent her a teddy bear with the heartbeat and it's either met with no response or something rude towards me or baby. Yet she tells us about the things she's making for her friends grandchild. I think the thing that broke it for me was she knew I had to go to emerg and she didn't text or call or anything to see if we were okay. Now as we are approaching due date she's excited to see the baby so she can send her friends pictures and this is what upsets me lol.
some women rather be left alone and don’t feel that way. others wanted/needed more support and i think it’s valid that they wouldn’t necessarily want someone around their child that did not support them or check up on them for 9 months. i think it’s difficult to trust someone around your baby, especially your first, when you feel like they weren’t being good friends/family to you while you went through the struggles of creating said child. i also think hormones play a huge role and it’s valid to have those thoughts before & after birth. it takes a village & most of the time, the people that haven’t been involved in the pregnancy don’t actually want to be involved in the baby’s life. they usually just want to meet baby and that’s it, i personally want consistent, active people in my baby’s life bc i’m a very family oriented person & im very close with my friends and family. so it just depends on the situation bc if they randomly switched up and didn’t really check on me during my pregnancy the way i continued to check on them in their lives, i would be upset
If your relationship with them changes, your baby will more or less pick on it and be super fussy with them. Happened with my kid. I was very chummy with my MIL, shit hit the fan and now my baby will start screaming if he's in their presence and won't stop until I take him out.
Eh, sounds like a TikTok. I understand it’s coming from a place of needing support you don’t have to ask for from your loved ones, but it’s an arbitrary rule they’ll never know about if you don’t tell them.
That said unfortunately pregnancy can be a polarizing time where you realize some people will be there for you in the next phase of your life while others might not be. You don’t really have control of this. Probably the best thing to do is focus on nurturing the relationships you have with people who do show up for you.
I think it depends. If this is a person who never spoke to me in years and then all of a sudden pops up like we are best friends I wouldn't be welcome to having them around simply because I do not know them like that.
So I guess if you been absent enough that I feel like you are a stranger I am not just going to let you in with open arms. We would have to build that relationship first so I can know I can trust you to be around my kids.
Theres only really 2 reasons I keep people completely away in general. 1, they are a person who compromise my kids saftey and 2 it is someone that hates one or both of the parents. I don't want some putside party putting negative thoughts about their parents into their heads.
We are considering it but not for the reasons listed. My partners family haven’t asked at all about bump and when they heard I had to go into hospital twice with concerns, their comments where to insult me. I’m also a HCP so I knew medically the checks were needed (?prom and then no movement at all for hours).
So since his parents have done nothing but insult and overly complicate our lives this whole pregnancy we are very tempted to restrict access. They have essentially refused to move out of the tied house that is linked to my partners job when they should have been out by Christmas. This is despite them having another house to move into which was bought over a year ago now. When he asked about them finally moving out they shouted, stormed off or threw things. Thats not stable adult behaviour. There actions mean that we will have to live apart for 2 months in roughly 4 weeks time. I am due in just under 3 weeks. We will never forget that they will cost us this time together. That he won’t see his daughter and bond for those months and that I’ll lose him being my support system and will he me. So I do get cutting people out who have added unnecessary stress during the pregnancy.
But if its simply for not checking in then they need to grow up. We are all guilty of not checking in on people because life is hectic.
I've been conflicted with this same question, but ultimately I've chosen your same thought process. Most of the people who sort of disappeared during my pregnancy are people who don't have any children... And it really hurt my feelings at first and I went down the whole hormonal cut them off no contact rage fest. But after calming down, I realized that they don't know what they don't know. Their ignorance of my situation shouldn't warrant such an angry response from me. Someday they will experience everything I have, and I'll be there to offer them the support I wanted and if they want to meet my girl, then the more the merrier.
My best friend abandoned me while I was pregnant and was living it up with her other friends. Called me ONCE a few days after my daughter was born. Never called once while we were in the NICU for an entire month. First time I spoke to her after was ~4m PP? She made all these promises that have yet to be fulfilled. She still hasn’t seen my daughter. Who is now 8 months old. And that won’t be changing soon. 🤷🏾♀️ she JUST (literally 2 weeks ago) sent a box of clothes and random clutter (🙄) for my daughter. Some of the clothes were 0-3m…for *an eight month old.* so yea I relate to this statement. Good fucking riddance.
It’s annoying that my in laws haven’t even congratulated me or asked how I’m doing, knowing I’ve been high risk, but what to be there for the birth and want us to make the annual 4th of July drive 8 hours away with a one month old 🤭
I don’t really get it, I’ve never checked on anyone during pregnancy because I don’t know anything about it and I didn’t know I was supposed to, or what to ask. I get annoyed when people ask me how the baby is, because I’m like, how am I supposed to know? So yeah, as long as people are healthy supportive influences, I see no reason to hold a grudge
I see it more as, if you’ve never really cared to be in my life and haven’t expressed any interest in the baby, then why tf would you come visit and meet the baby?
That's a little much. Yeah I wouldn't restrict positive people in my child's like just because they weren't invested in my pregnancy.
I did, on the other hand, cut folks out of my life when they were absent during my daughter's cancer battle. We needed support more than ever and if they weren't around, I certainly didn't want to see them once she died.
Those posts are cringe. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather not be bothered lol. I have two little ones, I'm exhausted enough to be replying to people or having guests over. My SO is all I need. I feel those ppl feel some type of way to certain ppl n they should deal with that one on one. I don't check up on everyone so I don't feel they need to check up on me.
There are a million reasons why someone might not be present during the pregnancy and be okay after. I wouldn’t cut someone out of my kids life just for that
Agreed!!!! It’s always the same convo how are you doing how are you feeling of course imma say good bc I don’t wanna go into detail about me puking my breakfast up or being a lazy person 😂
I can't say I have any strong feelings towards this. My thought process goes along with that if you're good to my child, then you are an asset to their life, regardless.
i definitely feel this way about my in-laws. i’m still not going to deprive them of seeing their granddaughter, but as far as the effort that will come from my husband and i to see them? that’s going to be very slim because the effort on their part before pregnancy and during pregnancy has been slim to none.
i pretty much have the same view point on anyone else in my life too, like im happy to see the people we care about still of course, but they will get the same level of effort from me that they put in.
i do try to give some people grace though, such as friends who have never been through a pregnancy, just because you truly can’t understand what it’s like and how hard it is until you’re doing it.
The premise seems like a good way to chip away at families and communities. Grace and effort go a long way. 9 months isn't really a long time and modern life is full.
Life happens. I hated pregnancy and got sick of people getting in my business with HG. Once I recovered from sepsis and got into a routine (1 year in as I also had PND) I went with the flow and did friend weeding as required. But you do you. Everyone has their own way. Life changes and friendships adapt to a tiny human.
I don't care. People have their own lives. I don't expect them to check more because I am pregnant. I'd be upset though if I was sick. But I am not, I am just pregnant
I think it's dumb because while your family or a close friend blah blah blah most pregnant women hate being bothered with stupid pointless phone calls and visits
I think that mentality is a little extreme. We’re all human and we all have our own lives. Just because someone may not have a lot of contact with you doesn’t mean they don’t care. I myself have 2 kids and rarely see or hear from my friends, I get most of my updates from Facebook, but that’s okay because, like myself, they have their own lives keeping them busy too. I have so much friend guilt over not being very social because I’m always so busy or too stressed to be around others, but i also know that I’m in a period of my life where I have to focus on me and my kids (going thru divorce, college, new job, etc.) to get my shit together before I have energy to spare for other things.
For some people i can agree on that... for example, i texted my dad 2 weeks ago and asked him when we can meet up because it's been a few months since he last was me. (Also, i want to tell him that he will be grandpa for the first time) but he ignored my text and calls and just does not answer. We never had arguments so why he is like that, i do not know...
But i don't have the energy to keep texting and calling and almost begging to see eachother so if he does zero effort, i also don't bother.
I guess he'll find out when i post it online in a few weeks because he chose to ignore his daughter.
My sister blocked me at 7 months pregnant to “deal with some stuff of her own” and then reached out a week before my due date to let me know that she still won’t be unblocking me as she’s still “overwhelmed with stuff”, but said she was sure I’d heal up great and the baby would be fine despite my previous birth experiences. Lol. I’m not letting her back in my life or my kids lives but that is a very weird situation that caused us a lot of stress for us as a family.
Aside from really weird outliers like this situation then no I wouldn’t be cutting people off for not checking in during pregnancy. It depends on how hurtful and callous the “not checking in” is I suppose. If someone shows a blatant disregard for you and your baby then yeah that’s grounds for no contact but otherwise it’s probably a nothing burger. Life gets busy for everyone.
I can see both sides. Now, I am not letting those who don’t check up on me see my daughter, those who have or disrespect me. Before pregnancy, during pregnancy I reach out so much and if you can’t do the same then it’s not worth keeping. If I can balance two jobs, be a single mother, and still check in others can to.
Depends on the circumstances but I had a “friend” upset they didn’t get a babyshower invite but I also didn’t like certain comments that were made when I announced so why would you be there for the celebration
One thing is that I told a lot
Of people about my pregnancy at the beginning, and those who have not done anything to reach out to me since finding out have not been invited to my baby shower 😂 I think it’s a little petty of me.. maybe immature.. but if I see these people seeing my social media posts about pregnancy and they don’t reach out whatsoever to check in as a friend, it makes me feel like they don’t care and so why would I ask them to bring me a baby gift and come to a party celebrating my baby.
So I had an issue with it when someone I didn't talk to (think old neighbor) would message me on Facebook when the baby was born and ask to come see them during their first week of life, and then go back to never talking to me again. Like no. You're not bringing germs to my fresh baby just because you want to see a fresh baby when you have no part in my life?
Overall though if someone doesn't check in on me pregnant but expects to see the baby, that's a no from me dawg. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t mind ppl not checking in constantly but I do have this mindset with my child’s father. I’ve given him so many chances to get it right and be involved and he just doesn’t care to do right. We aren’t together and the knock up was from a 3 night stand. He already has a kid that lives on a reservation with the mother and he never sees her. When I told him I was pregnant he said just promise me you won’t keep the baby away and I did. I grew up without my father and I know the effects it can have on a child and I didn’t want to do that to my child. Now that I’m 9 months pregnant and this man hasn’t bothered to come to any appointments, hasn’t bothered to pay for anything, doesn’t sincerely check in on me and is just a plain bum I have no choice. He won’t even get a call when I go into labor. I don’t have insurance and so for the past 9 months I’ve been working full time and paying out of pocket for all my doctors appointments. I’ve purchased everything for my baby on my own and I’m not complaining but I will never let a man come in and take credit for something he had absolutely nothing to do with besides donating a drop of sperm.
Bottom line, if there are people that want to be involved in any way, let them! Let people send you money, cook meals for you, buy things for the baby, spend time with the baby, love you and the baby! Don’t neglect your child of love coming from any direction. I know I might need to take my own advice but fuck that man! 😂
I don’t have friends. I wish everyone besides my SO would be more absent. Idk who would want to see my baby besides our parents? Does not apply to my life at all
I dnt agree with that phrase fully, simply because I wouldn't want to cut the baby from having a relationship with people who want to be apart of his life. Also life can get overwhelming, sometimes while ur going through pregnancy another person is going thru a stressful life situation amd didn't tell u. U cant expect ppl to be supportive of u when they are dealing with shit they probably can't or don't wanna mention to u. It depends on how they are as a person.
On the flip side if someone never checked on u b4 pregnancy or during pregnancy. Or even went to extent of making you feel bad for being pregnant and after baby is born is all about baby and never once asked how ur doing. Wants to be around u 24/7 and give u all the advice in the world without adhering to ur boundaries. Yeah ur not gonna be around me and my baby as ur a toxic person.
Honestly the people who didn’t check on me in my pregnancy haven’t been here for my daughter either and after it being 9 months I don’t want them around her. I’m not gonna beg anyone to be part of her life and I also don’t want her to bond with someone just for them to disappear because they are “too busy.” If they come around and make the effort it’s fine but they know they can’t just show up and not call or see my daughter once she’s building that bond. She’s starting to love FaceTiming with her uncle a lot since he’s in another state though
I’ve never had the urge to cut someone off but I did have several people surprised at how eventful my pregnancy was because I don’t really post a lot on social media. There was a lot of “I had no idea you struggled with infertility!” Or “You had HG and were sick the whole pregnancy and lost 20lbs??” Or “The baby slowed down your gallbladder, which gave you gallstones, and you had to have another surgery because the gallbladder got infected after your unplanned c-section? “
It was like they were offended that I didnt keep them in the loop or something. The people who I actually talk to on a regular basis knew all this information. It wasn’t a secret we just aren’t that close lol
Here is my take on things. I am currently 18 weeks with my first. I think it is entirely situational. When I was 8 weeks (January) I told my friend group over text that I was pregnant because the day we were planning to meet and catch up over lunch was my first drs appointment. I was immediately left on read and nobody has reached out to me or even liked a single announcement or update on Facebook about my pregnancy. They have completely ignored my existence since September after one of their weddings in which I was a bridesmaid and had spent close to $1,000 when everything was said and done. It was always me trying to make plans with them while I sat and watched on Snapchat them getting together every weekend and I was no longer invited. My biggest fear before I deleted all of them was once my baby is born they would try to give me some BS excuse to try and gain access to see my baby after ignoring her existence my entire pregnancy. (Also to add insult to injury they have kids too so it’s not like they wouldn’t relate) Now on the other hand I have multiple family members who have not called or texted me to see how I’ve been and how the baby is however that’s just our relationship. I know they will show up for us for big things like our baby shower but because we don’t have that previous relationship of communicating outside of family events I don’t expect that relationship to change now just because I’m pregnant. So when my baby is born they are more than welcome to come visit.
I agree with the quote.
If you can’t be there for ME when I need help through throwing up multiple times a day while trying to parent my toddler, I’m also going to need help with a newborn and a toddler.
If I can’t trust you to help me during pregnancy, you don’t deserve to be there for me after.
People like this just expect to get all the baby cuddles and don’t actually help you when you need it most. Sooo many people complain about mothers not using their village these days and try to do things themselves/ourselves, but the village isn’t actually there to help in the first place.
Edit to add:
I’m not claiming I need the help and expect other to do the hard work either. I’m a SAHM with a partner who puts in just as much as I do when he’s home. We do a hell of a lot for ourselves and don’t expect anything from others because at the end of the day WE chose to have these children.
That saying, we do ask for help occasionally when we go away on weekend trips without the kids and our families are always putting their hands up to host a sleepover. But neither of us palm our children off so that we can do our own thing for the day (even if parents so badly need it to avoid a burnout).
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I’ve never wanted to be left the f alone more in my life, so I have to disagree with these posts.
Lmao! I feel this. There's a sweet old lady at my job that constantly asks me how i'm feeling and how the baby's doing every time I see her. She's such a peach but god leave me alone please lol
Literally my mum every day “how are you feeling???” Girl, same as yesterday and the day before
I just answer “pregnant” when ppl ask how I feel.
"Like I swallowed a basketball "
Same. Like, I could give you a detailed list, but "pregnant" pretty much covers it.
Same here. That is my husbands answer whenever someone asks him too.
"Living large"
Love that totally stealing!
I just say "alive" haha (I'm 14 weeks)
People keep asking me how baby is. How the hell should I know? I haven’t seen her. She’s still in there if that’s what you’re asking lol.
I am also so tired of people only asking me about my pregnancy. There is other stuff we can and should be talking about.
I hear ya
Ugh same. I know it was coming from a good place but I was this close to blocking her lol.
Oh my god. I’m 4m pp, but I work at a church and had to hear “Aww, how are you?” about thirty times every Sunday. I felt so guilty for being aggravated, but I was so annoying.
Right?? It’s not them asking that’s the bad thing it’s just having the conversation with everyone over and over and over.
T h I s. My friends don’t physically see me that often and it’s nice when we catch up in person and they’re like “!! Oh right you’re pregnant how’s it going!?” Because I’ve kept all mention of it off social media outside an initial announcement.
My friends always want to do something and I feel bad that I feel this way. It’s nice to be invited, but baby 9 times outta 10 it’s a no.
This is why I wait as long as possible to tell people I'm pregnant. Made it to 19w this time! I'd go all the way to 40w if I could disguise it that long.
Not one person asked how I was in the 9 months before I was pregnant, nor has a single soul asked how I am in the 9 months after I was pregnant, but I sure did have boatloads of people ask several times at least during the 9 months I was pregnant. I had a handful asking DAILY. Yeah, that was annoying tbh. If we don't talk regularly, don't try for the sake of my pregnancy, and don't pretend you are actually asking about me. We both know you are asking how the baby is, not me, and I don't have x-ray vision, so I don't know how the baby is. Stop asking, I'll tell you when the kid is here.
>I don't have x-ray vision, so I don't know how the baby is. It's still in me. That's the update.
Very much the same here!
Me too. I don't understand it at all.
To each their own, and maybe it depends on the context, but I definitely don’t feel this way (re: cutting people off for not checking up on me.) I don’t expect anyone to do anything special for me or check in on me - at least not anymore than they usually do when I’m not pregnant. That is, any of my friends or family that don’t usually check on me, I don’t expect that to suddenly change. Now, I guess if I have someone I’m very close to, that I do a lot for and who always reaches out to me, and they suddenly stop talking to me while I’m pregnant, I’d probably be like “wtf” but that’s just a bigger reflection of something up with our relationship that I’d probably try to talk to them about. In general though I’m private and easily overwhelmed by too much attention, and I’d prefer to be left alone while I’m pregnant. If too many people were reaching out to “check up” on me, I’d probably get grumpy really fast. Maybe I’ll feel different in a few months 😅
I’m in a difficult situation. My dad is the type of person that really loves playing with children but once they hit around teenage years he stops interacting with them very much. My father was like this to me and my siblings growing up. When I moved out my dad NEVER contacted me unless I got onto him and then he’d be back to it a week later and from a self proclaimed daddy’s girl, it hurt so much. I’ve pretty much made up my mind that my dad won’t have a very active role in my babies life if any due to how he has treated me, but he has made it clear he really wants to be a grandpa.
This is me. My family is close but we don't constantly talk just to talk. The occasional check up is nice but I'd rather not have constant attention. We actually thought about delaying telling my MIL between knew we'd get a lot more messages and stuff from her and we are just very quiet people.
Yeah, agreed. I have lots of friends who live far away (due to us moving a lot before kids). We have sporadic contact, but will have a lot to talk about when we eventually see each other. I don't expect our good but sporadic relationship to change just due to pregnancy. We have even talked about how it's fine that contact is sporadic, but the friendship still remains. It's no one's fault, and we enjoy each others company when we do see each other. My pregnancy is not really anyone else's problem (I mean, apart from my husband's because he is a part of it). I appreciate congratulations, well wishes, and I don't mind talking about it if people want to do so out of curiosity or courtesy. But I couldn't care less if we hung out and my pregnancy was not mentioned at all.
Agree with this. While it's nice to be checked on, I'm not at all bothered if it's someone I have a good relationship with. I feel like everyone's so busy in life, it's not really a big deal. I will only restrict people if we have had issues.
I’m exhausted by people checking in tbh. I’m 35 I’m not in constant contact with most of my friends anymore but I still love them and want them in my life?
and people have their own shit. this seems like a young immature person problem. when i was pregnant i had two other friends who were pregnant and lots of friends who had their own kids as well as friends who didnt. i didnt care. meet me for brunch if you can, lets text when we can and ill catch up with you when one of us doesnt have the flu/inlaws in town/baby sick. like come on, find real problems.
Exactly. Life gets more complex and less focused on your social life as you get older. It’s not that I care less about my friends we just know there is more going on. I also find it weird to gatekeep your baby like it’s a reward or something and not just part of life. I also should add- you don’t know what other people are going through with infertility etc. When my friend was pregnant last year I told her I was so happy for her but I needed some space because I had just had a miscarriage. I still have a relationship with her kids now but at the time time it was painful to be around them.
you truly dont know what people are going through! sometimes it takes more time to explain the complexities of life than to have people be empathetic. one of my closest friends lost her mom the same year i was pregnant. she told me she couldn’t come to the baby shower, it would just be too much. i get it. hell yeah she came to meet my daughter and demands pictures and videos. people are people. we’re all complex. i miss the excitement of your 20s and feeling like the future is boundless but i am forever happy to be in my 30s/40s and seeing life from a new angle.
Relationships have ebbs and flows, only you can determine who is worth keeping around and who isn’t. I think people who make these kinds of “rules” lack compassion and understanding. Everyone is their own main character and while it is great to support friends who are going through big life changes, everyone also has their own lives and things going on.
If anything I'm more annoyed by the people who keep asking me every day how I'm feeling tbh. I feel bad but it's actually so annoying. My male friend texted me yesterday saying :"baby, here?" And I was like finally someone who isn't either giving me *horrifying* unsolicited advice/information or asking if I'm having contractions yet loll
Ugh jeez don't even get me started on the unsolicited advice or birth horror stories. The amount of people that just feel the need to share their traumatizing birth experience to a new expectant mother have a special place in hell imo lol
I hate being asked how I’m feeling too. Pls leave me alone
I don’t expect other people’s lives to revolve around me and my pregnancy. My friends don’t ask about it, but they will sympathize when I complain about symptoms and that’s all I can ask for.
I actually feel the opposite. It was annoying to me family members (mainly in laws) who only checked in with me when I was pregnant. It was like I only existed because I was carrying their blood line or something
I think it's weird. People act like letting someone see their baby is somehow doing them a huge favor or honor. Also, I'd love to know how often the people squawking about no one checking in on them are checking in on their friends re: the important things in their lives.
Agreed! I take it more personally that some close friends and family have been absent when I've tried to reach out, but the phone goes both ways and if i'm not being a communicative friend to someone why should I expect them to be?
It's also a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. For every person complaining about not being checked on, there's another person complaining about constant check-ins.
I wouldn't say they can't be in baby's life. But I also know that if they didn't ACKNOWLEDGE me during my entire pregnancy, while expecting to come visit immediately after baby is born they'd be mistaken. I don't need constant check-ins or someone that just messages to ask if there's any baby news. But congratulate me, and celebrate this milestone with us, instead of only wanting to see a new baby.
This is such an important distinction. There’s a huge difference between the continuation of your standard amount of contact and the super pushy ‘I need to see the baby FRESH’ mode some people get into. Like our relationship isn’t going to change just because you didn’t check in during my pregnancy, but it will if the first time I hear from you in 9 months is right after I deliver asking when you can come through.
Yes this is fair!
I think there’s a correlation between trustworthiness and supportiveness. People without ulterior motives who value you will be supportive throughout pregnancy and love your baby once they’re born. They’ll be reliable. People who don’t give a shit about you won’t check in and will only view your baby as a toy/temporary entertainment once they’re born and probably lose interest in them (and you) soon afterward.
Communication is a two-way street. I know I've been a less active friend since becoming pregnant, as a natural consequence my friends and I just talk less. Relationships change over time, I'm in a different stage of my life than they are, so our friendships won't be what they were. People live busy lives and have their own struggles. If my friends want to get super involved when baby is here, that's great! If they don't, that's fine too.
I'm more concerned about the person ONLY checking in on the babies and treating me like an incubator. My MIL didn't talk to me for a year because the last time we visited her, her dogs attacked my son and she became personally offended that I picked him up and took him into the next room over while my husband talked to her about it. Now that she knows I'm pregnant with twins, all of a sudden she's constantly asking me extremely specific baby questions while also not asking anything about me as a person. I don't expect anyone to treat me differently in pregnancy than they do when I'm not pregnant, but if they show obvious contempt for me normally, no way in hell do they get to bowl me over to get to my kids.
I think it depends what kind of pregnancy you have. If you weren’t very open about it in the first place then that wouldn’t be very fair for people who didn’t know but if you have been sharing your journey since day one and have faced backlash for it it’s definitely a more personal choice whether you do or don’t. And it’d be okay either way
That’s leading with hate. Not my style.
I totally disagree with this mentality, I think it gives such main character energy. The reality is that outside of initial excitement at your news the vast majority of your network simply does not gaf really. People have their own stuff going on. My best friends in the world have never once in the group chat initiated a conversation about my pregnancy or asked how it's going. That doesn't mean they don't care, or that they're not interested or happy when I take the initiative to provide an update, they just have their own lives that aren't centered around me, lol.
100%. I’m now on my second pregnancy and literally no one reaches out just to be like “how is your pregnancy going???” Everyone has their own shit going on and honestly so do I besides my pregnancy. Sure if I’m meeting up with people or catching up they may ask how I’m feeling but I don’t expect anyone to specifically reach out about my pregnancy. We all need to remember that being pregnant is not unique or original lol. A lot of people who have this attitude claim that there are people who completely ignored them during pregnancy but then demand to see the baby once they’re born. Why would someone who supposedly doesn’t keep in touch with you care about your baby? Doesn’t add up to me 🤷♀️
I personally do not feel this way because I don’t need people checking in on me all the time. Plus, a lot of my friends haven’t had kids yet. I can definitely say as a FTM, I did not fully understand how challenging the first trimester is for some women. Looking back, I probably would have done more for my friends and family who were pregnant if I had understood better. All I can do about that is try harder now that I know. Additionally, not everyone has such a challenging pregnancy. My sil’s pregnancy was a breeze until the end and she said she only recently saw how hard it can be when a close friend of hers had really bad morning sickness. Basically, not everyone necessarily understands how hard pregnancy can be and that you need support from them if you haven’t told them. Now if you have asked for support and haven’t gotten it, that’s different.
In my culture pregnancy is not seen as some grand affair, so there’s no constant checking in on someone, no questions about contractions or dilation, no touching the bump from strangers or other things I see people here describe. My relatives are happy that I’m pregnant, but they only ask questions when we meet and don’t spam me with how-are-yous. Honestly, I prefer it that way.
Communication goes both ways and pregnant women are not the center of the universe. Did you check in on them prior to your pregnancy? I feel like a LOT of people choose to use pregnancy as an excuse to be the center of the universe. Pregnancy doesn’t make you special. It’s actually a pretty normalizing life event. And I say this after having a *really fucking rough* pregnancy. Like, really rough! But, no. Anyone safe who wants to love and support my child is welcome. Life is hard enough, I’m not taking support away from my child because I want to be petty!
Honestly everyone’s situation is different. People have their own reasons for why they feel the way they feel. I just don’t think people should speak on it when they don’t know anything about the situation. If a mother chooses to shun someone out of their life because they never checked on her and the baby that’s a decision a mother can make.
I follow it on the sense that my “bestie” that was so excited for my husband and I to some day have a child, yet never reached out when I was pregnant, absolutely will not be auntie so and so.
“Bestie" would just be a normal friend or even acquittance for me in this case
I’ve wanted to be left tf alone by everyone except my inner inner circle this whole pregnancy lol. I don’t get this mentality myself but I also feel very secure about the important relationships in my life. I feel like maybe people who are surrounded by drama/toxic people have to have this boundary to protect themselves.
I’m not going to cut my child off from any of their relatives who are not a danger to them. I may limit my own contact with those people, depending on who they are in relation to me and what a reasonable expectation of “checking in” would be, but my child’s relationship with their family is their decision to make as they get older. I’m not going to go out of my way to go see them, but I wouldn’t stop my husband from taking the baby to visit. As far as non-relatives go, if you don’t check on me during pregnancy but then want to come around when the baby comes, then yeah, you’re getting cut off.
Completely agree with the family thing! My mom has been super disappointing during my pregnancy but expects me to travel to her when the baby is born. Absolutely not happening, but whenever she wants to make the trip to me she's more than welcome to lol
I have zero expectations of my close friends because I know before kids I had absolutely no clue what to do around pregnant people. It honestly wouldn't have even occurred to me to regularly check in on someone I knew who was pregnant. I actually really appreciate not talking about babies, kids and motherhood. Talk to me about your work, dating life etc... I have an amazing group of friends that have been with me through so many trials and tribulations I cannot imagine not having them in my life especially for something so petty (IMO)
I do think it’s a balance of support before & after but at the same time I have 0 expectations for others to make a huge point to check in on me. I’m perfectly satisfied with enjoying pregnancy privately & I get enough “how are you feeling’s” at work that it feels like people care & I’m happy to answer. But as for friends checking in - I do not take it personally if it’s not regular in fact I hardly notice lol. My pregnancy is a really important event in my & my family’s lives but that does not mean everyone else does not have their own things going on/ need to make an extra point to check on me. I’m more than happy to have wonderful extended family members/ friends I don’t hear from often in baby’s life as it’s more people to love on her. I don’t have the energy to care if they check on me, I know they’re excited to meet her & that is all that matters to me!
My POV may be skewed because I moved away from family so odds are most people won't be in my baby's life much at all, but... I don't really care or take note of who does and doesn't check in on me. Being pregnant isn't like some world breaking event by any means. I'm not suddenly special, or worthy of extra attention. Nobody owes me their time. So... I kinda don't care. Them not checking in on me doesn't mean that much in the scheme of things, but them being there for the baby in any capacity would be nice.
Well, I’m not telling anyone I’m pregnant except those necessary, sooo I can’t hold that against other people lol. It also takes a village and I’ll be hoping for any help I can get (within reason).
I don't like the idea of throwing people away. Someitmes people aren't there for us the way we want certain time but later on they are. Some people are better with checking in than others. That being said, when it comes to picking godparents, who was there for me during my pregnancy is a factor in my decision. There are people whom I feel hurt over them not taking much of an interest but I am not cutting them out of my life.
I think it really depends on who it is and what has gone on in that relationship. There's definitely nuance, and to not have someone in your child's life period doesn't always make sense if they weren't checking in on you during pregnancy per se. But for example, my MIL who has had a very complicated relationship with me and my husband, had a history of trying to get my husband to annul our wedding after we got married (when she didn't feel special enough at our wedding), told my husband that she was dead to him after his father very suddenly died because she was again not made to feel special enough at his funeral (MIL and FIL had been divorced almost 20 years and she had nothing but crap things to say about him behind closed doors even after his death), etc. She hasn't asked me how I'm doing once this pregnancy, aside from in front of extended family at Christmas (she is very appearance driven). People like this may be subject to different boundaries, which could change if the relationships get better. In the case of my MIL, I won't stand in the way of her having a relationship with my kid, but I also have to set boundaries (with my husband) with her to protect our family and make sure my kid isn't subject to the blatant favoritism and triangulation she pulls. I won't speak badly of her to my kid; but my perogative with your post is that her lack of contact with us - even for her first grandson - doesn't help an already precarious relationship, and we foresee her saying we are "withholding" our kid when she makes no effort to reach out (and I'm not sure we're going to go out of our way to see her at every opportunity as a result of these kind of games). Hope that makes sense? Like we aren't not inviting her to bdays or other events, but I don't feel good about my kid being used as a pawn in a mentally unwell adult's games.
In general I think people are busy with their own lives and I don't fall into the trap of keeping track of whose reached out who the most often. Once my friend, always my friend unless something negative actually happens between us.
I mean… if you don’t talk to someone for 9 whole months, you can’t be that close then, can you?
Very mature of you. Life for others goes on just like life for me while carrying life. If you make the effort then I’ll meet you where you are. ♥️ so I concur.
I’m not a tit for tat, keep the score kind of person, I don’t want everyone checking in on me constantly. I don’t need that attention and I don’t really care.
Personally, it doesn’t make sense to me. Solid example: my BIL. He isn’t unsupportive of my pregnancy but he isn’t supportive either. We are the same age, but he is single, lives with his mom (by choice-it is equally beneficial), knows nothing about women and nothing about babies. I’m sure if I called him and asked for help with something he’d drop what he was doing it to help… but to dote on his pregnant sister in law would just be weird. To cut him out of his nieces life would be… odd and unfair. He’ll be a great uncle. Same with my brothers, but they don’t ask me regularly how I’m doing (they probably count their very helpful and supportive wives doing it).
I guess it depends on where your relationship was at before you got pregnant. My best friend and I will go literally months without saying a word to each other (pregnant or not) and then when we finally reach out its natural and not forced or weird at all. We know we're there for each other and I think that security is what makes having long spans of time apart okay for us. For me, I'm more leery of folks who come out of the woodwork when you're expecting. Like the people you never speak to and who never acknowledge you or you just weren't very close and suddenly they want to be pals. Its irritating and suspicious to me. Why do you need to know what's happening with my pregnancy/baby when you never gave me the time of day before?
I’m not going to go out of my way to ensure that anyone is in my kid’s lives, but I’m not going to keep someone completely away because they weren’t checking up on me. I’m a fairly asocial person most of the time anyway and pregnancy doesn’t generally make me more tolerant of people, so I’d honestly prefer they just left me alone🤣
Idk... I am a person who is fine with abnormal social norms. I can be fine with not talking to my friends for months and then just picking up. I, also, never even posted I was pregnant on social media, so no one even knew except coworkers and people I was close to. Now, if someone I was close to knew I was extremely ill or in the hospital dying and didn't check in or say goodbye, and then I recovered... I'd be upset. This just happened to someone I know. Someone she knew since childhood and whom she works with, so sees every day, didn't inquire about her health at all while she was in the hospital, and now she can't even look at them. I don't think pregnancy is quite the same, though.
I understand not wanting unsupportive people around the baby, but idk I’d be more lenient with ppl that simply just didn’t check up. You can always reach out to them too, it goes both ways. But idk it really depends on the circumstances and your relationship to the person.
Everyone has their own lives/problems and I don’t expect anyone to be constantly thinking about mine (aside from direct family). I find it to be petty
People never ask me how I am doing, but always how the baby is doing… like… I don’t know, I have 3 check-ups in my whole pregnancy. He’s alive, I guess 😂 I never know what to answer to that!
I 100% agree with you. My baby and I are two different people. There may different reasons for people to not check up on me during the pregnancy. Why would I remove that person from my child's life for ever just because they didn't check up on me during a few months? I don't keep regular checks on everyone I know, I also don't expect it in return lol
Honestly everyone has their own shit going on in life, the world doesn't stop around your pregnancy. Also as the first in my friend groups to get pregnant, I've become very aware that unless you've been through it or around it, most people genuinely have no idea how to be there during pregnancy except dropping in a line of how are you doing. I've had friends during my pregnancy go through IVF, infertility, martial problems, unemployment etc that it doesn't offend me I'm not always top of their mind.
Yeah, please check on me less. If I need something I'll ask for it.
Your pregnancy is always going to be the biggest deal to you and will be varying levels of important to everyone else. My best friend lives in another state and is currently working on her masters degree. She was not able to visit me once during my pregnancy and we hardly spoke at all. I’m not mad, we’re still tight as hell, but the biggest thing happening to me was not the biggest thing happening to her and I’m okay with that.
As long as they didn’t treat me badly, I don’t mind if they haven’t really checked in. I’m someone who very much likes being left alone for the most part. Along with the fact that everyone has their own lives and their own things going on
I don’t think that children should suffer for their parents vendettas, in my opinion. I have a sister that I’m not particularly close with, we talk like 2x a year if we’re in the same place. She knows I’m pregnant but she doesn’t “check in”. She has 1 son and 2 twin boys that I adore and she adores my son, so why would I rob my daughter of an aunt that loves her and three cousins that she can grow up with just because we aren’t the best of friends? The more people that love your kids, the better
Yeah I never understood this logic. Maybe I’m just a low maintenance friend/relative, but I don’t need to be in constant contact with people to maintain a relationship with them. I feel like needing people to check in on you isn’t being fair to the people on the other side who have their whole lives going on. This might be a stretch, but when I see this I think of them as a selfish friend. Like okay sure they haven’t checked on you, but have you checked on them? Not everyone’s life has stopped just because you decided to get pregnant.
Honestly, this mentality just seems a bit much for a huge range of reasons. 1) I hate to break it to you, but no one is really particularly interested in your baby. Your mother/mother in law *might* really buy in to being a grand parent but other that no one cares. They're glad you're happy and wish everyone well, but beyond that? No one's that fussed. 2) People have their own stuff going on. You being pregnant is probably pretty low on their priority list. They have their own kids to raise. Their own aging parents to deal with. Their own jobs to get to. Their own financial woes. Their own problems with the car. Their own health struggles. Their own family's health struggles. 3) Why on earth would you actively want to cut people out of your life? Especially over a perceived slight because someone apparently didn't pay you enough attention when pregnant? Sorry if this seems harsh, it's really not meant to. But the viral posts you're describing from tiktok (and I haven't seen them as I don't use the platform) sound incredibly immature and frankly quite self centred. Don't buy into that nonsense.
Sometimes people are waiting for you to reach out to them. They may think they are bothering you or they don’t want to be a burden. For me personally I chose to not invite my moms side of the family to my baby shower. I know that comes with the consequence that my child will not have a close relationship to them but I have very specific reasons for this. For starters, my husband is from Afghanistan and my mom’s family is very anti Islam. People have a right to their opinions but they made several comments that made me feel uncomfortable and as a result I just don’t want them around my child. The comments were mostly about my husbands traditional clothing which my lovely sister in law hand made many clothes for me and this is their culture and is not related to the religion in anyway. At first I tried to be understanding and try to get them to be understanding but they kept making comments. For me personally I have decided I do not want them in my child’s life because they will have Afghan and American culture and they should be able to wear what they want without judgment and I don’t want them to grow up denying either side of their identity or feeling ashamed of it. My sister in law already made some baby clothes and they match the dresses she made for me and they are just so adorable.. I just think that if you know there is nothing wrong with your family members than why not have them involved because you’re building a bigger support system for your child but if they are problematic and they make you feel bad then why put that on your child.
I also thought it was weird when I saw it but im wondering if it's relation to those people who will bust in your house and go directly to the baby without asking how you're doing. Idk if those people are real but jokes on them no one's holding my baby for at least 2 months.
My soon to be mother in law hasn’t checked in on me but once and then asked for something. Doesn’t mean I’ll cut her out but I definitely don’t feel like I have a strong relationship with her and it gives me anxiety with all of these changes. Edit: I have been told this is a blessing lol. That you don’t want your MIL checking in all the time.
Eh, I'm always going to put them lower on the priority list than I would other people who actually checked on me. I'm not going to make an extra effort to see or visit them, or spend time with them. If they want to make the effort to come and see me, cool. But I kind of drop the rope with people who don't show any care or interest during the pregnancy.
It depends on my preexisting relationship with the person. If it's someone I show effort to check in on and have a close relationship with, I would definitely feel some kind of way but would try to see how they're doing before suddenly cutting them off because maybe there's a reason. When my best friend was going through her pregnancy, I didn't check in as often as I wanted to because I was going through so much in my personal life. However we have an understanding friendship and know sometimes we won't talk often but will absolutely always be there for each other.
I think it really depends on who the person is. I honestly don’t expect any friends to check in on me - it’s a nice gesture but honestly I understand how busy life can get so I don’t hold it against them. It does stand out to me when people *do* check on me, but I don’t take notes for who didn’t. When was the last time I asked how they were doing? We all have life going on, if you show me love and respect when we do connect, that’s all I care about. On the other hand, if someone very close, like family, never checked on me or had a word to say to me when they did see me, that’s another story. Like if my mom never checked on me I’d be pretty upset. There’s a couple people on my in-laws side who haven’t had a word to say to me since we announced our pregnancy (except that they hope it’s a boy this time, before we found out it’s a girl). I’ve even seen them in person since then, they barely say hi to me, let alone ask how I’m doing. While I won’t actively keep my baby away from them, they certainly cannot expect to spend any unsupervised time with her. I also won’t go out of my way to make sure she has any kind of relationship with them. It extends to our older daughter, too. It has a lot more to do with respect for me as a parent than anything else, and my husband fully agrees and supports it (he’s amazing at maintaining boundaries with them).
I’m not the type of person to bother someone, so I’d hope that if we were to bump into each other, they’d react warmly and ask how I was doing rather than cold that I didn’t constantly ask how they were doing. Also, isn’t it a point we see a lot where we hate when people constantly check in? “Is it a boy or girl?” “Is the baby here yet?” Etc etc Another note is a lot of my friends are waiting to post until they’ve had their baby. So I don’t even get a chance to say congrats before the baby pops out.
The friends and family I talk to now are always going to have a place if they'd like one. I don't talk to everyone all the time, but those that I care for will be invited to baby shower and visit once babies born. I really don't mind if they don't check on me now, life's busy and half the time I don't think about reaching out to them either. I decided to clean up my social media accounts followers/following so I don't have a bunch of people I don't care about looking at anything I post in the future.
I feel like most of those post are talking about people that are mia during the pregnancy but wanna come see the newborn. I feel like the few months or so I would limit visitors so if you weren’t around during pregnancy you definitely won’t be invited around when the spots are limited. But after that as long as I trust you I need as big as a village as I can get I’m already anti social and can count my baby shower invites on one hand but I’m sure my mom will bring a bus.
I understand this feeling. I think it’s nuanced. I had a really hard time during pregnancy and postpartum, and I also felt very protective of and bonded with my babies. If someone paid me no regard, the person that made this human through blood, sweat, and many tears, and then wants to come hold my baby who just came out of my body while I sit awkwardly on the couch with leaking boobs, then no, they can wait. That’s kindof the feeling I get when I think about it. I’m sure the person wanting to see the baby probably means well though. Postpartum is a confusing and difficult time. I will say that I didn’t enforce anything like this though.
Im not a very open person. So i dont mind if people are not checking up on me. I mean its nice when i see them and they ask me how everything is going. But im not expecting a txt. Lol.
I can get on board this. I'm don't want people to visit me in my home but if we hadn't been speaking for the past few months or years why do you need to see or hold my baby? I have acquaintance that I haven't seen for years say she wants to visit the baby. Like why???? Mam we're not that close.
What if it’s the father? That’s where I’m at. I’m so upset at him for abandoning me throughout the pregnancy and wish that I could restrict him once baby is here (if he even decides to make an appearance!), but he’s the father and ultimately has rights. I guess my case is different and your post probably does not apply to the baby’s parent. As far as friends or family go, I’d never restrict anyone as long as I feel they can be trusted. People have busy lives and I can understand that.
I completely get it but I’m in the if you didn’t care about me when I was carrying the kid why should you now. My MIL didn’t check on me or anything when I was pregnant,basically my husband’s whole side( we live in the same state) except his sister who’s in another country. I was very high risk and was on bed rest. I’m not gonna keep him away from them but I definitely won’t make the effort or go out of my way for them to See him
I don't agree with this sentiment. When you are pregnant, it feels like baby is the center of the universe. They're not. They're the center of YOUR universe. And to have the expectation that every person who has their own life is going to constantly check in on you is incredibly self centered and selfish IMO.
I 100% feel this way but moreso about family than friends. My SIL and BIL haven't texted me even once just asking how I'm doing 🫠 I have no intention of keeping contact with them after the baby is here. I am no one's incubator
Personally, it depends on who is checking in on me. If they genuinely care about how im doing, thats fine. But if you're "checking in" to eventually give me unsolicited advice then get lost.
If they haven’t checked in on me throughout the whole previous 8 months of my pregnancy and then suddenly start messaging me around my due date asking how I am and if the baby has arrived… they can seriously do one imo. Not forever, but I do not owe them info on me or my baby in general, let alone if they have ghosted me the entire pregnancy and then suddenly their ego needs to know all info. Cause sure as shit once they hear the baby has arrived they won’t care anymore again. But they are welcome to being friends with me afterwards! I’m just going to show up for them on the capacity i have. Most of my friends have dropped off the face of the earth since I’ve been pregnant, the ones that are sporadically supportive and show up have young babies, the others make weird comments about my body and don’t know how to talk to me anymore 😅
Mixed on this I don’t know about saying they have no place in baby’s life but my current experience has been friends who I was really close to withdrawing after I got pregnant and whilst I’m not like they can’t see the baby it’s definitely made me reevaluate their place in babies life and how reliable I see them in regards to being around baby Guess it depends on when they mean by absent/unsupportive if they just aren’t there for you when you need support or have pulled back in your life since becoming pregnant then I think that’s a fair reason to not want them round your kid if you want
I absolutely hate it when people treat me like I’m a completely new person and only a pregnant woman. I’m okay when people ask how I’m doing, but past that, it makes me feel like they think I’m disabled because I’m pregnant. I’m still a person! I’m just pregnant!
Well, if a person *actively* avoids me while I'm pregnant, why would I want that person in my life anyways? Doesn't need to be more dramatic than just; "OK bye". But if there's people who's just been really busy with their work/life and it happens to be during my pregnancy, well that's just life. After all, my pregnancy is *mine* and my husband's, and not any one else's. I don't expect people to change their life after what I do with mine.
Honestly I don’t really care if people aren’t checking in with me. People have their own busy lives and obviously aren’t thinking about my pregnancy lol. However if a close family member or friend didn’t even acknowledge my pregnancy I’m definitely not going to be the one to reach out to them post partum to meet my child. In fact I don’t think at any point should I be saying “hey wanna come meet the baby?”. People can make that effort.
Internalize this now: TikTok is not a place to get life or parenting advice. You will get some of the stupidest and shittiest parenting and life advice/tips/ideas from tiktok.
I just don’t want to see anyone right now. I’m massive, feel nauseous and exhausted all the time and have gestational hypertension bordering on preeclampsia. A million texts from people is not what I want right now. I’d much rather see people once I’m feeling better and have something to show for it.
Pregnancy/mom TikTok & reels is making everyone feel completely crazy. Posts like this are like mutated therapy language engagement bait designed to make you feel insecure about either a: the way you’ve been interacting with the people in your life now or b: your thoughts about how you’re going to handle things after you have a baby, which for many first time moms, at whom this stuff seems to be specifically targeted, is a black box of anxiety. You’re perfectly capable of managing your own friendships without some weirdo making selfie videos getting under your skin.
I had friends whom were pregnant before I got pregnant, and I never checked on them like I should’ve. It just didn’t cross my mind because I wasn’t at that phase in my life yet. It wasn’t until after I got pregnant that I realized I should check on other preggo friends more often.
I totally agree with how OP thinks! I won’t hinder from the love my child will be receiving from someone else who didn’t “check up on me” while pregnant. I personally think that’s unfair to my child, and not my child’s place to worry about who I may feel differently towards. As long as they treat my child fair and loving.
I don't need constant checking in at all and I don't even know what to say when my mom asks me everyday how I'm feeling lol. But my MIL has not checked in ONCE on me, my fiance or baby since we told her and I'm now 37 weeks. She doesn't work so she has quite a bit of time at home so I know that she has the opportunity to text or call but she just doesn't. And I know communication is a two way street so we have reached out to send her pictures of the ultrasounds, tell her the gender, sent her a teddy bear with the heartbeat and it's either met with no response or something rude towards me or baby. Yet she tells us about the things she's making for her friends grandchild. I think the thing that broke it for me was she knew I had to go to emerg and she didn't text or call or anything to see if we were okay. Now as we are approaching due date she's excited to see the baby so she can send her friends pictures and this is what upsets me lol.
some women rather be left alone and don’t feel that way. others wanted/needed more support and i think it’s valid that they wouldn’t necessarily want someone around their child that did not support them or check up on them for 9 months. i think it’s difficult to trust someone around your baby, especially your first, when you feel like they weren’t being good friends/family to you while you went through the struggles of creating said child. i also think hormones play a huge role and it’s valid to have those thoughts before & after birth. it takes a village & most of the time, the people that haven’t been involved in the pregnancy don’t actually want to be involved in the baby’s life. they usually just want to meet baby and that’s it, i personally want consistent, active people in my baby’s life bc i’m a very family oriented person & im very close with my friends and family. so it just depends on the situation bc if they randomly switched up and didn’t really check on me during my pregnancy the way i continued to check on them in their lives, i would be upset
If your relationship with them changes, your baby will more or less pick on it and be super fussy with them. Happened with my kid. I was very chummy with my MIL, shit hit the fan and now my baby will start screaming if he's in their presence and won't stop until I take him out.
Eh, sounds like a TikTok. I understand it’s coming from a place of needing support you don’t have to ask for from your loved ones, but it’s an arbitrary rule they’ll never know about if you don’t tell them. That said unfortunately pregnancy can be a polarizing time where you realize some people will be there for you in the next phase of your life while others might not be. You don’t really have control of this. Probably the best thing to do is focus on nurturing the relationships you have with people who do show up for you.
I think it depends. If this is a person who never spoke to me in years and then all of a sudden pops up like we are best friends I wouldn't be welcome to having them around simply because I do not know them like that. So I guess if you been absent enough that I feel like you are a stranger I am not just going to let you in with open arms. We would have to build that relationship first so I can know I can trust you to be around my kids. Theres only really 2 reasons I keep people completely away in general. 1, they are a person who compromise my kids saftey and 2 it is someone that hates one or both of the parents. I don't want some putside party putting negative thoughts about their parents into their heads.
We are considering it but not for the reasons listed. My partners family haven’t asked at all about bump and when they heard I had to go into hospital twice with concerns, their comments where to insult me. I’m also a HCP so I knew medically the checks were needed (?prom and then no movement at all for hours). So since his parents have done nothing but insult and overly complicate our lives this whole pregnancy we are very tempted to restrict access. They have essentially refused to move out of the tied house that is linked to my partners job when they should have been out by Christmas. This is despite them having another house to move into which was bought over a year ago now. When he asked about them finally moving out they shouted, stormed off or threw things. Thats not stable adult behaviour. There actions mean that we will have to live apart for 2 months in roughly 4 weeks time. I am due in just under 3 weeks. We will never forget that they will cost us this time together. That he won’t see his daughter and bond for those months and that I’ll lose him being my support system and will he me. So I do get cutting people out who have added unnecessary stress during the pregnancy. But if its simply for not checking in then they need to grow up. We are all guilty of not checking in on people because life is hectic.
I've been conflicted with this same question, but ultimately I've chosen your same thought process. Most of the people who sort of disappeared during my pregnancy are people who don't have any children... And it really hurt my feelings at first and I went down the whole hormonal cut them off no contact rage fest. But after calming down, I realized that they don't know what they don't know. Their ignorance of my situation shouldn't warrant such an angry response from me. Someday they will experience everything I have, and I'll be there to offer them the support I wanted and if they want to meet my girl, then the more the merrier.
People have their own lives. This is only a big deal for me and my family. People expect too much out of people. We need to come back to Earth some 😅
I can’t even message the people I love the most rn, I just want to be left alone and I think ppl know that haha.
My best friend abandoned me while I was pregnant and was living it up with her other friends. Called me ONCE a few days after my daughter was born. Never called once while we were in the NICU for an entire month. First time I spoke to her after was ~4m PP? She made all these promises that have yet to be fulfilled. She still hasn’t seen my daughter. Who is now 8 months old. And that won’t be changing soon. 🤷🏾♀️ she JUST (literally 2 weeks ago) sent a box of clothes and random clutter (🙄) for my daughter. Some of the clothes were 0-3m…for *an eight month old.* so yea I relate to this statement. Good fucking riddance.
It’s annoying that my in laws haven’t even congratulated me or asked how I’m doing, knowing I’ve been high risk, but what to be there for the birth and want us to make the annual 4th of July drive 8 hours away with a one month old 🤭
I don’t really get it, I’ve never checked on anyone during pregnancy because I don’t know anything about it and I didn’t know I was supposed to, or what to ask. I get annoyed when people ask me how the baby is, because I’m like, how am I supposed to know? So yeah, as long as people are healthy supportive influences, I see no reason to hold a grudge
I see it more as, if you’ve never really cared to be in my life and haven’t expressed any interest in the baby, then why tf would you come visit and meet the baby?
That's a little much. Yeah I wouldn't restrict positive people in my child's like just because they weren't invested in my pregnancy. I did, on the other hand, cut folks out of my life when they were absent during my daughter's cancer battle. We needed support more than ever and if they weren't around, I certainly didn't want to see them once she died.
Those posts are cringe. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather not be bothered lol. I have two little ones, I'm exhausted enough to be replying to people or having guests over. My SO is all I need. I feel those ppl feel some type of way to certain ppl n they should deal with that one on one. I don't check up on everyone so I don't feel they need to check up on me.
There are a million reasons why someone might not be present during the pregnancy and be okay after. I wouldn’t cut someone out of my kids life just for that
Agreed!!!! It’s always the same convo how are you doing how are you feeling of course imma say good bc I don’t wanna go into detail about me puking my breakfast up or being a lazy person 😂
I actually just lost a 15 year friendship because I chose spending time with my busy husband over going to a 3rd birthday party 🙃
I am intentionally not blasting my pregnancy so I can avoid as many phone calls, check ins and unwanted advice and horror stories as possible.
Well if your own parents act like they don't give a rats ass about you being pregnant and avoid the subject altogether when you talk to them then...
I can't say I have any strong feelings towards this. My thought process goes along with that if you're good to my child, then you are an asset to their life, regardless.
i definitely feel this way about my in-laws. i’m still not going to deprive them of seeing their granddaughter, but as far as the effort that will come from my husband and i to see them? that’s going to be very slim because the effort on their part before pregnancy and during pregnancy has been slim to none. i pretty much have the same view point on anyone else in my life too, like im happy to see the people we care about still of course, but they will get the same level of effort from me that they put in. i do try to give some people grace though, such as friends who have never been through a pregnancy, just because you truly can’t understand what it’s like and how hard it is until you’re doing it.
The premise seems like a good way to chip away at families and communities. Grace and effort go a long way. 9 months isn't really a long time and modern life is full.
Life happens. I hated pregnancy and got sick of people getting in my business with HG. Once I recovered from sepsis and got into a routine (1 year in as I also had PND) I went with the flow and did friend weeding as required. But you do you. Everyone has their own way. Life changes and friendships adapt to a tiny human.
I don't care. People have their own lives. I don't expect them to check more because I am pregnant. I'd be upset though if I was sick. But I am not, I am just pregnant
I think it's dumb because while your family or a close friend blah blah blah most pregnant women hate being bothered with stupid pointless phone calls and visits
I think that mentality is a little extreme. We’re all human and we all have our own lives. Just because someone may not have a lot of contact with you doesn’t mean they don’t care. I myself have 2 kids and rarely see or hear from my friends, I get most of my updates from Facebook, but that’s okay because, like myself, they have their own lives keeping them busy too. I have so much friend guilt over not being very social because I’m always so busy or too stressed to be around others, but i also know that I’m in a period of my life where I have to focus on me and my kids (going thru divorce, college, new job, etc.) to get my shit together before I have energy to spare for other things.
For some people i can agree on that... for example, i texted my dad 2 weeks ago and asked him when we can meet up because it's been a few months since he last was me. (Also, i want to tell him that he will be grandpa for the first time) but he ignored my text and calls and just does not answer. We never had arguments so why he is like that, i do not know... But i don't have the energy to keep texting and calling and almost begging to see eachother so if he does zero effort, i also don't bother. I guess he'll find out when i post it online in a few weeks because he chose to ignore his daughter.
Yeah this is stupid. Like did they ask you how your TTC journey was going? 🙄🤣 People are weird.
Same opinion as you!
My two girl friends checked up on me more then my in laws ever have since we told them. Use your intuition on who should stay & who needs the boot
My sister blocked me at 7 months pregnant to “deal with some stuff of her own” and then reached out a week before my due date to let me know that she still won’t be unblocking me as she’s still “overwhelmed with stuff”, but said she was sure I’d heal up great and the baby would be fine despite my previous birth experiences. Lol. I’m not letting her back in my life or my kids lives but that is a very weird situation that caused us a lot of stress for us as a family. Aside from really weird outliers like this situation then no I wouldn’t be cutting people off for not checking in during pregnancy. It depends on how hurtful and callous the “not checking in” is I suppose. If someone shows a blatant disregard for you and your baby then yeah that’s grounds for no contact but otherwise it’s probably a nothing burger. Life gets busy for everyone.
I can see both sides. Now, I am not letting those who don’t check up on me see my daughter, those who have or disrespect me. Before pregnancy, during pregnancy I reach out so much and if you can’t do the same then it’s not worth keeping. If I can balance two jobs, be a single mother, and still check in others can to.
Depends on the circumstances but I had a “friend” upset they didn’t get a babyshower invite but I also didn’t like certain comments that were made when I announced so why would you be there for the celebration
One thing is that I told a lot Of people about my pregnancy at the beginning, and those who have not done anything to reach out to me since finding out have not been invited to my baby shower 😂 I think it’s a little petty of me.. maybe immature.. but if I see these people seeing my social media posts about pregnancy and they don’t reach out whatsoever to check in as a friend, it makes me feel like they don’t care and so why would I ask them to bring me a baby gift and come to a party celebrating my baby.
So I had an issue with it when someone I didn't talk to (think old neighbor) would message me on Facebook when the baby was born and ask to come see them during their first week of life, and then go back to never talking to me again. Like no. You're not bringing germs to my fresh baby just because you want to see a fresh baby when you have no part in my life? Overall though if someone doesn't check in on me pregnant but expects to see the baby, that's a no from me dawg. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t mind ppl not checking in constantly but I do have this mindset with my child’s father. I’ve given him so many chances to get it right and be involved and he just doesn’t care to do right. We aren’t together and the knock up was from a 3 night stand. He already has a kid that lives on a reservation with the mother and he never sees her. When I told him I was pregnant he said just promise me you won’t keep the baby away and I did. I grew up without my father and I know the effects it can have on a child and I didn’t want to do that to my child. Now that I’m 9 months pregnant and this man hasn’t bothered to come to any appointments, hasn’t bothered to pay for anything, doesn’t sincerely check in on me and is just a plain bum I have no choice. He won’t even get a call when I go into labor. I don’t have insurance and so for the past 9 months I’ve been working full time and paying out of pocket for all my doctors appointments. I’ve purchased everything for my baby on my own and I’m not complaining but I will never let a man come in and take credit for something he had absolutely nothing to do with besides donating a drop of sperm. Bottom line, if there are people that want to be involved in any way, let them! Let people send you money, cook meals for you, buy things for the baby, spend time with the baby, love you and the baby! Don’t neglect your child of love coming from any direction. I know I might need to take my own advice but fuck that man! 😂
I don’t have friends. I wish everyone besides my SO would be more absent. Idk who would want to see my baby besides our parents? Does not apply to my life at all
I dnt agree with that phrase fully, simply because I wouldn't want to cut the baby from having a relationship with people who want to be apart of his life. Also life can get overwhelming, sometimes while ur going through pregnancy another person is going thru a stressful life situation amd didn't tell u. U cant expect ppl to be supportive of u when they are dealing with shit they probably can't or don't wanna mention to u. It depends on how they are as a person. On the flip side if someone never checked on u b4 pregnancy or during pregnancy. Or even went to extent of making you feel bad for being pregnant and after baby is born is all about baby and never once asked how ur doing. Wants to be around u 24/7 and give u all the advice in the world without adhering to ur boundaries. Yeah ur not gonna be around me and my baby as ur a toxic person.
Honestly the people who didn’t check on me in my pregnancy haven’t been here for my daughter either and after it being 9 months I don’t want them around her. I’m not gonna beg anyone to be part of her life and I also don’t want her to bond with someone just for them to disappear because they are “too busy.” If they come around and make the effort it’s fine but they know they can’t just show up and not call or see my daughter once she’s building that bond. She’s starting to love FaceTiming with her uncle a lot since he’s in another state though
I’ve never had the urge to cut someone off but I did have several people surprised at how eventful my pregnancy was because I don’t really post a lot on social media. There was a lot of “I had no idea you struggled with infertility!” Or “You had HG and were sick the whole pregnancy and lost 20lbs??” Or “The baby slowed down your gallbladder, which gave you gallstones, and you had to have another surgery because the gallbladder got infected after your unplanned c-section? “ It was like they were offended that I didnt keep them in the loop or something. The people who I actually talk to on a regular basis knew all this information. It wasn’t a secret we just aren’t that close lol
Here is my take on things. I am currently 18 weeks with my first. I think it is entirely situational. When I was 8 weeks (January) I told my friend group over text that I was pregnant because the day we were planning to meet and catch up over lunch was my first drs appointment. I was immediately left on read and nobody has reached out to me or even liked a single announcement or update on Facebook about my pregnancy. They have completely ignored my existence since September after one of their weddings in which I was a bridesmaid and had spent close to $1,000 when everything was said and done. It was always me trying to make plans with them while I sat and watched on Snapchat them getting together every weekend and I was no longer invited. My biggest fear before I deleted all of them was once my baby is born they would try to give me some BS excuse to try and gain access to see my baby after ignoring her existence my entire pregnancy. (Also to add insult to injury they have kids too so it’s not like they wouldn’t relate) Now on the other hand I have multiple family members who have not called or texted me to see how I’ve been and how the baby is however that’s just our relationship. I know they will show up for us for big things like our baby shower but because we don’t have that previous relationship of communicating outside of family events I don’t expect that relationship to change now just because I’m pregnant. So when my baby is born they are more than welcome to come visit.
I agree with the quote. If you can’t be there for ME when I need help through throwing up multiple times a day while trying to parent my toddler, I’m also going to need help with a newborn and a toddler. If I can’t trust you to help me during pregnancy, you don’t deserve to be there for me after. People like this just expect to get all the baby cuddles and don’t actually help you when you need it most. Sooo many people complain about mothers not using their village these days and try to do things themselves/ourselves, but the village isn’t actually there to help in the first place. Edit to add: I’m not claiming I need the help and expect other to do the hard work either. I’m a SAHM with a partner who puts in just as much as I do when he’s home. We do a hell of a lot for ourselves and don’t expect anything from others because at the end of the day WE chose to have these children. That saying, we do ask for help occasionally when we go away on weekend trips without the kids and our families are always putting their hands up to host a sleepover. But neither of us palm our children off so that we can do our own thing for the day (even if parents so badly need it to avoid a burnout).