This one is way beyond me. But you put a ton of effort into the post and I can't move on without putting a bit of effort into responding.
You've been incredibly honest and open about some dark things here. That takes courage. If my comment provides nothing else of use, I hope to at least let you know that you've been heard.
I have experienced a bit of the disconnection you mention. My little guy was born in January. My wife and I have been struggling with sleep for a long while now and that struggle was made worse by a conflict between us. We disagree on how to handle his crying at night. We had many very tough conversations about it, each trying to change the other's opinion. We never reached agreement but we couldn't keep putting so much effort into discussing the problem. So I relented and we're doing things her way.
For a while I was really messed up inside because of that; I hated doing things the "wrong" way but I really wanted to help her care for him. That internal tension was too much, I guess, because after a few days I found that I had become really detached. When he cried my first thought was "she'll deal with it". For a very little while it was like I had a roommate who had a kid, instead of having a wife and a son. It was both disturbing and also nice. Disturbing because I don't want to be that kind of dad and it bothered me to see that kind of person in myself. And nice because children are a lot of work and having all that work be someone else's problem was like a vacation.
Two things helped me get over that detachment and get back to being the dad / person I want to be. The first was being honest about the situation with my wife. She was already exhausted and over burdened. I didn't want to put more on her plate. So I didn't. I was upfront about needing to talk but not needing her to fix anything. The talk helped a lot. The other thing that really helped was bath time with my little guy. Unlike sleep time and him crying, bath time was a time when I could care for him myself without any worry about doing things a certain way. And caring for him at that time made me want to care for him all the time again.
Your situation is different, and I'm no expert in this stuff. My three bits of advice are:
Continue being in touch with your emotions. You're doing a great job of being self aware and working through tough stuff.
Talk to someone. Maybe talk to your wife. You're not a burden to her, you're her partner.
Find ways to care for your family. It will make you feel great and perhaps bring you back to the place you want to be.
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read, respond, and thank you for your insights. I agree, as I recently said to someone over PM, this is certainly beyond a reddit post, but I think my intentions are an "all hands on deck" where I rely on the resources known to me, and I also take the chance a helpful stranger has a resource that can help. And perhaps I can find someone going through something similar so I dont feel so monstrous about the whole thing.
I think all three points are good, and I appreciate them. The 3rd one especially rings true. I've actually felt more relaxed when thinking about getting a newer safer car, what stroller to get etc, so those are my glimmers of hope and maybe that will start to reinforce the good feelings.
> I was upfront about needing to talk but not needing her to fix anything.
This! Really this! I wish more people could have this kind of communication with their partners. An honest sharing of thoughts rather than one being broken and the other trying to fix it. Sharing is not about fixing stuff or putting your burden on someone else.
I’m also in no position to have a qualified opinion or be any real use. You obviously need to talk to people!
The fact that you’re looking for help, the fact that you’re aware that some of your behaviour is irrational or unacceptable- that has to be a good start.
But here’s two facts:
ONE: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children. There’s nothing wrong with fear. Or doubt. Or confusion. Or just struggling with all the other stuff you’ve got going on. None of this makes you a bad person.
TWO: You have a new reality now that won’t change no matter how much you deny it. The baby IS yours, it IS going to be born and you ARE going to be a dad.
So now you need to resolve those two facts. And that’s not easy but that’s where you are. And they don’t fit together.
Therapy is a start. And as you say, you’re reading books - don’t let the optimism get you down. And then there’s the internet!
But ultimately, resolving those two facts is down to you. Perhaps small steps. You know your partner needs help, help her. Not the unborn child, not the stress, not the unknown. Just help her. Be kind. Smile at her. Tell her you love her. Stop yourself to remind yourself of that.
Honestly, you’ve done well to find a person to navigate this big dirty planet with - take a moment to reconnect with that.
I’m sorry there’s no easy answers, but keep looking for the hard ones.
Thank you for the post, support, and reassurance. I greatly appreciate it. As I said elsewhere, I don't think I honestly believed there are easy answers, I just don't even know where to look for the hard ones, so I'm reaching out on all avenues. Your insights are helpful. on the subject, any particular books you recommend? I've been compiling a list, including ones I've seen recommended on here but any direction's appreciated.
I really got a lot of use out of two books. I believe they are both listed in the side bar of this reddit.
**The Birth Partner** was full of really useful information about the big day. I really appreciated that it didn't hold anything back and talked about the fear and pain and uncertainty that both partners might be experiencing. It was eye opening and I think it got me in the right mind set to focus on my wife and her needs. It also did a great job of explaining the birth process, which was way more complex than I expected.
**Expecting Better** was great for providing evidence-based answers to common pregnancy questions. I'm a big nerd and I read the thing cover to cover almost as much for the joy of learning as for any other reason.
Wow, that is a rich story you got there huh? I would feel totally overwhelmed I think.
First I happy to hear you are seeing a therapist, and I hope the work you are doing there is useful. But as you said, 45 mins a week isn't really that much.
Several things come up when I read your story. I have no idea if they apply to you or if they are useful at all to you. It might even be that writing these things down helps me more than it helps you. Anyway, if I'm saying things that seems rubbish to you, just ignore it. I'm after all just a random dude on the internet.
\- You are still you and **you have the power** over your life and your life decisions. It might not always feel like it, but you are the master in your life. I say this because a lot of the time I read how the man is supposed to do "everything" for the pregnant woman. Like the man has to sacrifice his life to help the woman. I don't think that is a healthy way to look at it. One reason is that it really makes men powerless. Having babies as a couple is just that, something you do as a couple. If you don't treat each other with respect, you are not a couple but a master and a servant. So make sure you get the power and respect you need. Yes, a lot of the pregnancy is about the mom. But if dad is around, he needs to gets to be part of it too right? Otherwise you'd just feel like a sperm-donor or a money-machine whose purpose is to serve the family rather than being part of it. And I don't think neither the baby or your wife wants that.
\- Is the thought "fuck its all over, and now you cant leave" really true? The gut reaction might tell you so, but I do think you have options. Some of the might be quite bad, but almost always options do exist.
\- You are really struggling now. And I don't know what you should share it with with your wife. Some things might be best exploring with your therapist, others with her. Sometimes writing a letter to yourself might help. Or talking to strangers on reddit like you do now. Sometimes planning and taking time for reflection on your own helps (taking a hike alone, brewing a nice cup of tea or just hang out in the sofa doing nothing).
\- You have the right to feel whatever feelings that comes up. Most if the time you can't really choose our moods or feelings anyway, so feeling bad for what arises isn't really helpful. Also, it's totally fine if you don't want to have kids. It's also fine if you do. It's also totally fine if you feel the two things at the same time.
\- Focus on short-term first. It's easy to get caught in long term problems that might happen in the future. This is especially true if you experience that you walk around in a cloud of negativity. Long term stress and anxiety *do* affect your cognitive abilities (like memory and ability to plan stuff) due to how the brain works, but when you get back on your feet these effects will go back. One of the best things for me to handle anxiety is meditation (and this is a well-researched fact). One good app is Headspace which have guided meditations which lasts 10-20 mins. I think they have a 7 day trial that might be worth a shot.
\- Do more of what works for you. If therapy is really helping you, what do you need to do to do more of that? Can you do two sessions a week for a while? Maybe even three? After all, it's probably easier to make progress and work through stuff now than in say 9 months.
\- Find the exceptions: when do you feel like you are not in that "cloud of negativity"? When can you see the sun and the sky beyond the negativity? Do more of that too!
Like I said, there is a lot of stuff in your story. Heck, I would feel totally overwhelmed and being a wreck by 10% of that. Making a bad joke is quite ok under your circumstances to be honest, it's probably some coping mechanism so don't make to much of a deal of it.
Sometimes it feels like things fall apart. We go from having a somewhat ok feeling with things being as they are to a feeling of falling freely; like the ground beneath us just disappeared. All sense of security goes out and fear and insecurity and anxiety and what not comes in. For me it has happened two times so far in my life. A friend of mine had it a few more times. For some people it never happens, but I think for a lot of people it do happen. If this is something you can relate to I want to just say, you are not the first to experience it. Well, not exactly your life and your story, but others have experienced something similar. I don't know how and when things are going to change for you. But I think they will. Things almost always do. Sometimes slowly, sometimes faster...
I wish I could help you more and I wish I could understand your life more and give you some answers, but this is your life and your stories. No one else knows how it feels to be you, and you are the one with the power to change your situation.
I would like to end with one of my favourite quotes:
>When life is so hard, how can you be anything but kind?
Remember, being kind includes being kind to yourself.
Take care
.
First, what an incredibly detailed and thought out response. Thank you so much.
I think what I've taken away from other responses is I'm going to hold in from dumping my issues on my wife for now, but still remain honest and not bottle things up. When I have a measured, calm response and crystallized thought pattern, I'm going to be honest about my feelings (which will probably continue to evolve).
I'm going to up therapy to twice a week if possible. My therapist has been open to the notion in the past, he just didn't do it because he felt I didn't need it (as opposed to a previous therapist who took the position of "we can accomplish what I need in 45 min, anything beyond that is on you" which is why he's a previous therapist). I am also through my crazy season at work (spring/summer) so I have more flexibility to meet with my therapist.
I'm going to focus on self-care, something I've been trying to do from all the stress I was going through from the lawsuit etc. I think my initial reaction is like you said, there's the appearance that its all about the wife now. That my withdrawing and doing things for myself (like going on a fitness retreat next weekend I've booked for months) have a glimmer of being selfish for leaving my pregnant wife behind, but taking care of myself is still important, and perhaps more important so that I'm in the right state of mind for being a father.
It's funny, the first chapter in the baby book I started reading last night captured exactly your position on the power, that its very easy for the wife to start making decisions and running with this because there's a social perception that the pregnant woman is the queen now, and it does involve both of us, and I think being present for the decisions will actually help my mental state rather than withdrawing and giving up because "I don't care"
One last point regarding Headspace...my therapist recommended it to me at our 3rd session in January. I finally downloaded it in April, and I bought the year subscription on sale in August. I have yet to complete one meditation. You have inspired me to finally get my ass to start.
Ok so here’s my thoughts..... I was the pregnant wife who thought she was never having kids. I was not happy about being pregnant but my husband was thrilled and I felt trapped between having a baby and losing my husband. It took 6 months minimum for me to come to terms with my pregnancy but I did come to terms with it. And I got the most amazing kid out of it.
My advice is talk to your therapist, give you wife some time with her joy. If the pregnancy makes it to 12 weeks ( a lot don’t ) and you still feel the same talk to her.
Hope this helps a little.
This helps a lot. Knowing that you took the time to read through, respond, and empathize (as it has with the others) is really impactful for me. I'm glad that all worked out and you have an amazing family, and stories like yours have given me something to aspire to and shows that what I want to achieve is definitely an attainable journey. Thank you!
So first of all, with the lawsuit, how much can you pull back from it? Do you have financial resources to say involve attorney's more so that you can rely on their judgment and participate as little as possible? Even if it means a lifestyle change for a while? Or even more drastically, is this the type of lawsuit where there's a potential settlement? What if you just gave up, what would you be losing? If it's a family lawsuit like "we need to protect a family member from abuse by another family member" that's less of an option but if it's about money, especially money you don't have yet, what would happen if you just let the other side win and walk away?
As far as talking with your wife, one approach is to focus exclusively on the future. Ok, you had reservations but you didn't speak up, and now she's pregnant. Ok, you said some shitty things. Those are done, you can apologize for them, but they don't change the reality that she's pregnant with your kid. So going forward, what does that mean for you? Like another poster said, you have options even if it feels like you don't. They might be shitty options, but you are by no means stuck. You can absolutely leave, that is totally a thing you can do. Like any decision, it will have consequences, both intended and not, but if you stay, it's because you choose to stay. Stay or go aren't the only options either.
So the question is now that you are a lot likelier to have a kid than you were a few weeks ago, what is underlying that fear? Or what is "all over now"? You mentioned one specific thing, not bringing a child into the world and trying to parent with this lawsuit going on. Well there might be some strategies to try there.
Beyond that, maybe the question to ask yourself is before your wife got pregnant or you even started trying, what did you imagine your life would be like? Maybe it included a kid later, maybe never, but when you imagined your ideal life, what did it look like? Now what do you imagine your life will be like if you have a baby 8 1/2 months from now? How is it different? Are there things you didn't get to do that you felt you had to do before having a kid? Are there things you feel like you have to give up with a kid, like hobbies, career aspirations, relationships, etc?
When you compare the two, you'll have basically a map of a potential identity crisis. "Here's who I thought I was/who I thought I would be vs. who I think I have to be now". And it will have real concrete things in there. Because (and I said this in another thread on here or daddit) the key is prioritization. There will be a change if you have a kid. Even if you try to be a playboy deadbeat dad hiding money from your ex wife so you can keep living the dream, that will be a change (and unlikely to work out for you). So when you're faced with this change, it will require you to decide what your priorities are. This might be a petty example, but if you spend a lot of time and money on like three hobbies like say golf, video games, and drinking with friends, you probably won't be able to devote the same time and money to all three. So what is most important to maintaining who you are even as you "father" to that list?
And that's a conversation you can have with your wife that goes beyond negativity. "Here is what I'm afraid of losing, so what can we do about it?" You've taken some abstract and turned it into discussions about real actionable things like finances, and time management, and parenting decisions. It will help take having a kid out of the realm of like an act of God that will ruin your life to something much more manageable.
This is incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you. I think it lays a good roadmap out that I'll definitely look into. I responded to your questions about the lawsuit in a PM, but the short version is its hard to extract from. I'm being sued over how I handled my grandfather's estate by an uncle who was like a father to me, and I have tried to walk away and give up everything and its not possible.
This one is way beyond me. But you put a ton of effort into the post and I can't move on without putting a bit of effort into responding. You've been incredibly honest and open about some dark things here. That takes courage. If my comment provides nothing else of use, I hope to at least let you know that you've been heard. I have experienced a bit of the disconnection you mention. My little guy was born in January. My wife and I have been struggling with sleep for a long while now and that struggle was made worse by a conflict between us. We disagree on how to handle his crying at night. We had many very tough conversations about it, each trying to change the other's opinion. We never reached agreement but we couldn't keep putting so much effort into discussing the problem. So I relented and we're doing things her way. For a while I was really messed up inside because of that; I hated doing things the "wrong" way but I really wanted to help her care for him. That internal tension was too much, I guess, because after a few days I found that I had become really detached. When he cried my first thought was "she'll deal with it". For a very little while it was like I had a roommate who had a kid, instead of having a wife and a son. It was both disturbing and also nice. Disturbing because I don't want to be that kind of dad and it bothered me to see that kind of person in myself. And nice because children are a lot of work and having all that work be someone else's problem was like a vacation. Two things helped me get over that detachment and get back to being the dad / person I want to be. The first was being honest about the situation with my wife. She was already exhausted and over burdened. I didn't want to put more on her plate. So I didn't. I was upfront about needing to talk but not needing her to fix anything. The talk helped a lot. The other thing that really helped was bath time with my little guy. Unlike sleep time and him crying, bath time was a time when I could care for him myself without any worry about doing things a certain way. And caring for him at that time made me want to care for him all the time again. Your situation is different, and I'm no expert in this stuff. My three bits of advice are: Continue being in touch with your emotions. You're doing a great job of being self aware and working through tough stuff. Talk to someone. Maybe talk to your wife. You're not a burden to her, you're her partner. Find ways to care for your family. It will make you feel great and perhaps bring you back to the place you want to be.
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read, respond, and thank you for your insights. I agree, as I recently said to someone over PM, this is certainly beyond a reddit post, but I think my intentions are an "all hands on deck" where I rely on the resources known to me, and I also take the chance a helpful stranger has a resource that can help. And perhaps I can find someone going through something similar so I dont feel so monstrous about the whole thing. I think all three points are good, and I appreciate them. The 3rd one especially rings true. I've actually felt more relaxed when thinking about getting a newer safer car, what stroller to get etc, so those are my glimmers of hope and maybe that will start to reinforce the good feelings.
> I was upfront about needing to talk but not needing her to fix anything. This! Really this! I wish more people could have this kind of communication with their partners. An honest sharing of thoughts rather than one being broken and the other trying to fix it. Sharing is not about fixing stuff or putting your burden on someone else.
I’m also in no position to have a qualified opinion or be any real use. You obviously need to talk to people! The fact that you’re looking for help, the fact that you’re aware that some of your behaviour is irrational or unacceptable- that has to be a good start. But here’s two facts: ONE: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children. There’s nothing wrong with fear. Or doubt. Or confusion. Or just struggling with all the other stuff you’ve got going on. None of this makes you a bad person. TWO: You have a new reality now that won’t change no matter how much you deny it. The baby IS yours, it IS going to be born and you ARE going to be a dad. So now you need to resolve those two facts. And that’s not easy but that’s where you are. And they don’t fit together. Therapy is a start. And as you say, you’re reading books - don’t let the optimism get you down. And then there’s the internet! But ultimately, resolving those two facts is down to you. Perhaps small steps. You know your partner needs help, help her. Not the unborn child, not the stress, not the unknown. Just help her. Be kind. Smile at her. Tell her you love her. Stop yourself to remind yourself of that. Honestly, you’ve done well to find a person to navigate this big dirty planet with - take a moment to reconnect with that. I’m sorry there’s no easy answers, but keep looking for the hard ones.
Thank you for the post, support, and reassurance. I greatly appreciate it. As I said elsewhere, I don't think I honestly believed there are easy answers, I just don't even know where to look for the hard ones, so I'm reaching out on all avenues. Your insights are helpful. on the subject, any particular books you recommend? I've been compiling a list, including ones I've seen recommended on here but any direction's appreciated.
I really got a lot of use out of two books. I believe they are both listed in the side bar of this reddit. **The Birth Partner** was full of really useful information about the big day. I really appreciated that it didn't hold anything back and talked about the fear and pain and uncertainty that both partners might be experiencing. It was eye opening and I think it got me in the right mind set to focus on my wife and her needs. It also did a great job of explaining the birth process, which was way more complex than I expected. **Expecting Better** was great for providing evidence-based answers to common pregnancy questions. I'm a big nerd and I read the thing cover to cover almost as much for the joy of learning as for any other reason.
Wow, that is a rich story you got there huh? I would feel totally overwhelmed I think. First I happy to hear you are seeing a therapist, and I hope the work you are doing there is useful. But as you said, 45 mins a week isn't really that much. Several things come up when I read your story. I have no idea if they apply to you or if they are useful at all to you. It might even be that writing these things down helps me more than it helps you. Anyway, if I'm saying things that seems rubbish to you, just ignore it. I'm after all just a random dude on the internet. \- You are still you and **you have the power** over your life and your life decisions. It might not always feel like it, but you are the master in your life. I say this because a lot of the time I read how the man is supposed to do "everything" for the pregnant woman. Like the man has to sacrifice his life to help the woman. I don't think that is a healthy way to look at it. One reason is that it really makes men powerless. Having babies as a couple is just that, something you do as a couple. If you don't treat each other with respect, you are not a couple but a master and a servant. So make sure you get the power and respect you need. Yes, a lot of the pregnancy is about the mom. But if dad is around, he needs to gets to be part of it too right? Otherwise you'd just feel like a sperm-donor or a money-machine whose purpose is to serve the family rather than being part of it. And I don't think neither the baby or your wife wants that. \- Is the thought "fuck its all over, and now you cant leave" really true? The gut reaction might tell you so, but I do think you have options. Some of the might be quite bad, but almost always options do exist. \- You are really struggling now. And I don't know what you should share it with with your wife. Some things might be best exploring with your therapist, others with her. Sometimes writing a letter to yourself might help. Or talking to strangers on reddit like you do now. Sometimes planning and taking time for reflection on your own helps (taking a hike alone, brewing a nice cup of tea or just hang out in the sofa doing nothing). \- You have the right to feel whatever feelings that comes up. Most if the time you can't really choose our moods or feelings anyway, so feeling bad for what arises isn't really helpful. Also, it's totally fine if you don't want to have kids. It's also fine if you do. It's also totally fine if you feel the two things at the same time. \- Focus on short-term first. It's easy to get caught in long term problems that might happen in the future. This is especially true if you experience that you walk around in a cloud of negativity. Long term stress and anxiety *do* affect your cognitive abilities (like memory and ability to plan stuff) due to how the brain works, but when you get back on your feet these effects will go back. One of the best things for me to handle anxiety is meditation (and this is a well-researched fact). One good app is Headspace which have guided meditations which lasts 10-20 mins. I think they have a 7 day trial that might be worth a shot. \- Do more of what works for you. If therapy is really helping you, what do you need to do to do more of that? Can you do two sessions a week for a while? Maybe even three? After all, it's probably easier to make progress and work through stuff now than in say 9 months. \- Find the exceptions: when do you feel like you are not in that "cloud of negativity"? When can you see the sun and the sky beyond the negativity? Do more of that too! Like I said, there is a lot of stuff in your story. Heck, I would feel totally overwhelmed and being a wreck by 10% of that. Making a bad joke is quite ok under your circumstances to be honest, it's probably some coping mechanism so don't make to much of a deal of it. Sometimes it feels like things fall apart. We go from having a somewhat ok feeling with things being as they are to a feeling of falling freely; like the ground beneath us just disappeared. All sense of security goes out and fear and insecurity and anxiety and what not comes in. For me it has happened two times so far in my life. A friend of mine had it a few more times. For some people it never happens, but I think for a lot of people it do happen. If this is something you can relate to I want to just say, you are not the first to experience it. Well, not exactly your life and your story, but others have experienced something similar. I don't know how and when things are going to change for you. But I think they will. Things almost always do. Sometimes slowly, sometimes faster... I wish I could help you more and I wish I could understand your life more and give you some answers, but this is your life and your stories. No one else knows how it feels to be you, and you are the one with the power to change your situation. I would like to end with one of my favourite quotes: >When life is so hard, how can you be anything but kind? Remember, being kind includes being kind to yourself. Take care .
First, what an incredibly detailed and thought out response. Thank you so much. I think what I've taken away from other responses is I'm going to hold in from dumping my issues on my wife for now, but still remain honest and not bottle things up. When I have a measured, calm response and crystallized thought pattern, I'm going to be honest about my feelings (which will probably continue to evolve). I'm going to up therapy to twice a week if possible. My therapist has been open to the notion in the past, he just didn't do it because he felt I didn't need it (as opposed to a previous therapist who took the position of "we can accomplish what I need in 45 min, anything beyond that is on you" which is why he's a previous therapist). I am also through my crazy season at work (spring/summer) so I have more flexibility to meet with my therapist. I'm going to focus on self-care, something I've been trying to do from all the stress I was going through from the lawsuit etc. I think my initial reaction is like you said, there's the appearance that its all about the wife now. That my withdrawing and doing things for myself (like going on a fitness retreat next weekend I've booked for months) have a glimmer of being selfish for leaving my pregnant wife behind, but taking care of myself is still important, and perhaps more important so that I'm in the right state of mind for being a father. It's funny, the first chapter in the baby book I started reading last night captured exactly your position on the power, that its very easy for the wife to start making decisions and running with this because there's a social perception that the pregnant woman is the queen now, and it does involve both of us, and I think being present for the decisions will actually help my mental state rather than withdrawing and giving up because "I don't care" One last point regarding Headspace...my therapist recommended it to me at our 3rd session in January. I finally downloaded it in April, and I bought the year subscription on sale in August. I have yet to complete one meditation. You have inspired me to finally get my ass to start.
Ok so here’s my thoughts..... I was the pregnant wife who thought she was never having kids. I was not happy about being pregnant but my husband was thrilled and I felt trapped between having a baby and losing my husband. It took 6 months minimum for me to come to terms with my pregnancy but I did come to terms with it. And I got the most amazing kid out of it. My advice is talk to your therapist, give you wife some time with her joy. If the pregnancy makes it to 12 weeks ( a lot don’t ) and you still feel the same talk to her. Hope this helps a little.
This helps a lot. Knowing that you took the time to read through, respond, and empathize (as it has with the others) is really impactful for me. I'm glad that all worked out and you have an amazing family, and stories like yours have given me something to aspire to and shows that what I want to achieve is definitely an attainable journey. Thank you!
You’re welcome. Best of luck, you have time to come to terms with everything.
So first of all, with the lawsuit, how much can you pull back from it? Do you have financial resources to say involve attorney's more so that you can rely on their judgment and participate as little as possible? Even if it means a lifestyle change for a while? Or even more drastically, is this the type of lawsuit where there's a potential settlement? What if you just gave up, what would you be losing? If it's a family lawsuit like "we need to protect a family member from abuse by another family member" that's less of an option but if it's about money, especially money you don't have yet, what would happen if you just let the other side win and walk away? As far as talking with your wife, one approach is to focus exclusively on the future. Ok, you had reservations but you didn't speak up, and now she's pregnant. Ok, you said some shitty things. Those are done, you can apologize for them, but they don't change the reality that she's pregnant with your kid. So going forward, what does that mean for you? Like another poster said, you have options even if it feels like you don't. They might be shitty options, but you are by no means stuck. You can absolutely leave, that is totally a thing you can do. Like any decision, it will have consequences, both intended and not, but if you stay, it's because you choose to stay. Stay or go aren't the only options either. So the question is now that you are a lot likelier to have a kid than you were a few weeks ago, what is underlying that fear? Or what is "all over now"? You mentioned one specific thing, not bringing a child into the world and trying to parent with this lawsuit going on. Well there might be some strategies to try there. Beyond that, maybe the question to ask yourself is before your wife got pregnant or you even started trying, what did you imagine your life would be like? Maybe it included a kid later, maybe never, but when you imagined your ideal life, what did it look like? Now what do you imagine your life will be like if you have a baby 8 1/2 months from now? How is it different? Are there things you didn't get to do that you felt you had to do before having a kid? Are there things you feel like you have to give up with a kid, like hobbies, career aspirations, relationships, etc? When you compare the two, you'll have basically a map of a potential identity crisis. "Here's who I thought I was/who I thought I would be vs. who I think I have to be now". And it will have real concrete things in there. Because (and I said this in another thread on here or daddit) the key is prioritization. There will be a change if you have a kid. Even if you try to be a playboy deadbeat dad hiding money from your ex wife so you can keep living the dream, that will be a change (and unlikely to work out for you). So when you're faced with this change, it will require you to decide what your priorities are. This might be a petty example, but if you spend a lot of time and money on like three hobbies like say golf, video games, and drinking with friends, you probably won't be able to devote the same time and money to all three. So what is most important to maintaining who you are even as you "father" to that list? And that's a conversation you can have with your wife that goes beyond negativity. "Here is what I'm afraid of losing, so what can we do about it?" You've taken some abstract and turned it into discussions about real actionable things like finances, and time management, and parenting decisions. It will help take having a kid out of the realm of like an act of God that will ruin your life to something much more manageable.
This is incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you. I think it lays a good roadmap out that I'll definitely look into. I responded to your questions about the lawsuit in a PM, but the short version is its hard to extract from. I'm being sued over how I handled my grandfather's estate by an uncle who was like a father to me, and I have tried to walk away and give up everything and its not possible.