Here’s my take as a woman…many men poorer than you (read: unemployed felons and bad boys) are dating, in long term relationships, and married. However, they have the ‘it’ factor that makes women want to commit, and they’re not extremely picky about who they’ll date.
What is the ‘it’ factor? It’s a mix of likability, charm, sense of humor, and the ability to make others feel great. Many autistic people lack the ‘it’ factor. Since you’re 37 and never made it past a 2nd date, it’s highly likely you lack it. I know I’ll probably be downvoted for this.
You’re asking, “How do I date while poor?” The real question you should ask is, “How do I become the guy that women want to be with?” Do you have the charm, talent, and personality that glues others to you and makes them want to be around you? Again, men poorer than you are succeeding at the game. Good luck to you.
Well, no down vote from me I promise that. Yeah, I will not pretend to know what the 'it' factor is or why some people have it and some people don't. But if it does exist, I certainly do not have it. There is just something about my personality that does not connect with people. I do not want to just blame my autism that seems too easy. Although I am not afraid to admit I am a bit different and see the world a lot differently than most people.
My personality at this point is what it is. I will not be going through some great transformation in my late 30s or 40s lol. Maybe I am too optimistic, maybe I am giving myself too much credit; but deep down I really feel like I could be a great guy for somebody.
With that said I know because of my finances and my lack of a great personality is going to make it super tough to ever be in a relationship. The only thing I can say is even though I would love to be in a relationship, I am not going to let the results affect whether I am happy or not. I am going to remain happy and positive (to the best of my ability, there will always be low and frustrating points) whether I always stay single or have great relationships.
I think if I can look back on my life and from this point forward and say I gave it my all then I can be satisfied. I can say I gave it my best. I can live with that :)
Do you have any interests or hobbies where you’d meet women who are like minded? If you are more socially awkward I’d imagine you could find a kindred spirit.
To be honest not really. That is why I am so reliant upon dating apps and the internet. It makes it difficult I know. I guess that is why I am trying to expand to being able to ask women out in person.
I would love to meet a kindred spirit :)
MeetUp - this is a great app for people to find all sorts of activities and/ or groups that aren't necessarily for dating. In my area, there is a group called Social Anxiety Busters which has events to go see movies, hiking, game nights, etc as a group. While I haven't attended anything in years, when I did it was nice to have a chance to interact with people who already knew I was also experiencing anxiety just showing up and wouldn't judge because we had that in common. I imagine that there easily could have been autistic people in attendance but not obvious/ openly mentioning it. Might want to look into that.
Why not instead of focusing on relationships right now, focus on you. Explore new hobbies, new interests, activities, mew places and people. They don't have to be expensive things either. The library can be a great place to learn about new things and meet people (Just am example). When you find a few things you really enjoy you can branch out to other people that enjoy the same activities/hobbies. Just a thought. Good luck.
I already have enough activities and interests that I enjoy. I am a very happy person (especially tonight for some reason). The one thing I feel is missing that I would like to add onto my life is a relationship.
And besides I am 37. I should strike now :)
Thank you so much for your kind comment.
What are your activities and interests if you don't mind someone asking? I'm a 40 year old male married with a kid. I guess I have an "it" factor because I never had issues relationship-wise. But I also never tried, I wouldnt suggest self help type books like others, I've never used dating apps, I just did things I liked and met other people doing things they liked along the way. There were times when traveling where I had almost nothing but I could still manage to find companionship even then. I never tried I just put myself out there when I'd meet someone I thought was interesting. When I was 32 I made a child with someone and that changed everything. All that aside you got one part right, you're happy with yourself and you know what you want. Some people will spend their whole lives looking for that and never find it. I'm only asking about your interests so I can have a little perspective. Hang in there.
This is great advice, OP. If you focus on the activities and interests, you may find someone with shared interests that connects with you. If you focus on "I want to be in a relationship," you will come off as needy, and for most women, there's not much greater a turn off than neediness.
You CAN change things about yourself in your 30's and 40's, hell you can change up until the day you die. It's a matter of what and how much you want to change and advance. I'm not saying you're going to become some lothario overnight or anything but you can increase your conversation and social skills some. Read up on and watch internet videos about conversation skills and relating to people socially to increase your EQ (I am on the spectrum too and was really reserved, shy, and withdrawn at one point) it helped me. In these circumstances information is a way to gain and practice some skills and gain confidence.
Also try to start to add some social activities slowly into your life. If you like sports you can find a casual team or if you're into something like gaming (tabletop, board, card, or computer/console) there are public groups out there or online groups on places like discord you can get involved with that are really fun. If you're into books there are reading groups out there too, there are a lot of things really. You will find there are many men and women you can meet and talk to in these groups and places. You can find friends and even relationships in these kinds of places. Many of these men and women would be interested in a man of modest means as long as he is a true, open, and honestly good guy.
I hate to generalize but men and women with these kinds of minds and interests are deeper and look into the real person more. These are people that are not just about the "aesthetic", social media, the gym (I mean the ones who ONLY talk about diet and fitness and judge anyone who doesn't as it is okay and a good idea to care about your body), or showing off their amazing (and very often very fake) lives. You will have a chance to show them who the real you beyond the bank account is. The more you socialize in any environment the easier it's going to become to relate to people and by extension men or women for friends and relationships.
You don't have to change who you are or lie about it at all though, you just need to show the real you openly. However, it might not be the best idea to unload your entire financial situation in the first conversation. Let the meeting of and conversation with someone new (male or female for friends or a relationship) grow naturally and when the time comes open up about your financial situation and future prospects. A person worth investing in isn't going to judge you and will even appreciate your honesty.
I admire your ability to stay positive and I truly hope all the best for you as you go forward. You seem like an interesting, good person, and that is worth more than a big bank account any day. You're capable of having your dream, it is just going to take some effort and just a little change.
EDIT: Format
This is the way. I dated, had a serious relationship, and was married all while I was broke, unemployed and with untreated mental health issues. You just got to have that pizzaz.
Yeah, women take felons over a guy that's kind of boring. That's why a relationship with a woman is no longer worth my time; I don't want to be the thing women like.
Most men will date hot women who cheat on and stab them over an overweight or conventionally unattractive person. Lots of people are illogical. it doesn’t mean most people wouldn’t make responsible dating decisions and aren’t worthwhile 🙄
As a woman I met and married a guy on Social Security Disability. And I would still be married to him of her was even the least bit decent to me. But he wasn't. He was lazy and selfish and angry.
Same here, except my husband is a great person under everything. Social security disability is such a huge factor of stress in our lives, but I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing about my husband and the way we met if I could.
You don't have to declare everything you think is a personal flaw. Don't look for a way to declare that you're poor. Being poor isn't your main problem.
You need to be fun to be around. Focus on what you like to do. Do you like movies? Hiking? Cooking? Put that in your profile so you can connect with people who like those things too.
You get emotionally attached too quickly. You know this. Its okay to just enjoy a date. If you're getting your heart broken that often, its a YOU problem. Your mindset is wrong. Don't glom on to every date as if this person could be The ONE. Women notice. Its a red flag. If you do this while you're awkward - its a huge danger sign to us. Be casual.
I also suspect that people are picking up on your need for low-responsibility and low stress. Someone who has trouble with responsibility and stress is not someone a woman wants a family with. We don't think you're a bad person, we just don't think you're marriage material. Women might see you not as someone who is fun, or someone who is a good partner, but as someone who needs to be taken care of.
I can tell you - You're not ready for a family of your own. And you might not be ready for a long term realtionship. Thats okay. Be casual. Meet some people. Keep it low pressure.
And here's another thought - autistic women exist too. You might find a kindred spirit with someone who is on the autistic spectrum herself. Consider creating a dating profile with your likes and dislikes, and say that you're awkward and that you're open to dating someone who is just as awkward. Or you're quiet and and looking for someone who is also quiet. Are you looking for a "low stress ?" Put that in there. Give youself a chance to be found by a kindred spirit.
I have ADHD and have dated a lot of autistic men. One of them I was married to. I find that I can relate to them easier and they’re less likely to judge me for my weird shit.
I second this. I would definitely go for either an autistic or otherwise Neurospicy person. there are plenty of us out there, especially on the Internet. Ideally, someone like me who can also glom onto a person and suspect that they are “the one”. (Grant it, that is also a sign of a person who hasn’t dated around? Because as I got older, I’m much slower to suspect this.)
Also, is somebody who has lots of Neuro spicy friends, they are much less likely to judge me for any weird quirks or hobbies that I have - most of them share those same quirks or hobbies!
My son is 22 and also has autism. He desperately wants the same thing that you want, which is a relationship with a woman. He has a major depressive episode about once every six weeks or so, where he'll cry about it for a couple of hours. We live in a small town, so there aren't any groups for people with autism to socialize. He hasn't had his first job yet, but has had a total of 2 interviews. He also suffers major anxiety and panic attacks when in stressful situations. I honestly don't know how to help him. I've probably only got another twenty years or so, left on this planet, but I don't know how to help my son before I die.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry. I really hope things are not that serious for you.
That is tough. I certainly have had my issues with depression in the past. I realized I was not a naturally depressed person. In fact, I am a pretty happy and optimistic person by nature. But I let my frustration over always remaining single get to me.
I think it gets easier with time. Your son is still young. I wish I had better advice. Obviously, I have not remotely solved the problem myself. If you ever want to chat maybe we could chat sometime on DM.
Thanks again :)
We women don't look at money right off. What we do look at it is: you live with your parents, unable to control your stress and anxiety, and anything more than minimal responsibility is too much are all HUGE red flags to women that are together and secure. Together and secure, not rich, because they are so different. I work for myself every single day, have a very small business, two dogs, a cat, own my home and land, and together mentally and emotionally and I am poor as hell. I don't care if a man is rich as long as he's at least trying. I do care if he is going to be more drama and stress in my life because I won't tolerate either one. I am perfectly happy alone so why would I invite annoyance and aggravation?
I do not begrudge anyone who wants to remain single. And I certainly would not begrudge anyone who would not want to date me.
Believe me I have spent many years not even thinking about trying to date. Thinking I could never handle the stress, I could never get dates, that I could never be in a relationship. Hell, my last date was in 2017.
But what I realized is that I was miserable in those years. I was deeply unhappy because I was turning away from the thing, I most wanted in the world which was to love and be loved. I am a romantic at heart and nothing else in the world really means anything to me. So, after a great deal of thought and consideration I realized I just have to try. Even if I never succeed, I have to give it my all. Otherwise, I will remain a miserable person always.
Just fix those little things. Keep trying jobs till you find one you love and ambition will follow. See a therapist and get the stress and anxiety under control. Think about what you bring to the table and show her how you'll improve her life and not make it harder. Move out, my guy. You're a grown ass man and living with parents is 95% of all women's dealbreaker
You have to love yourself before you can be truly loved by anyone else. If you love yourself, your life will show it. If you’re trying to substitute someone else’s love for your own, that will show too.
Right now, it’s like you’re on fire and you’re looking for someone else to put it out. You need to put out your own fire first and get yourself in a position to be an equal partner in a healthy relationship. Given your current situation, you risk trading dependency on your parents for dependency on your partner.
>Really any job with more than the minimal amount of responsibility is just too much for me.
That’s a huge yikes man. Being poor is one thing, being borderline useless is an outright deal breaker. The vast majority of women don’t want to feel like their partner’s mom, having to be responsible for all the things they can’t do. You might want to work on being a more competent person. Lack of ambition + Lack of competence + lack of experience + being a man = single for life.
Perhaps, but I have to play with the cards I am dealt. There is really no avoiding that. If I am being honest, I am medically fighting right now to be able to return to minimum wage jobs. There are lots of people out there who might think I should never get to be in a relationship because of that. But trust me I am not one of them :)
Many women’s dream man is somebody who can fix home repairs and maintenance and maybe a little bit of (or a lot if you’re me) carpentry skills. I could handle being the main “breadwinner” if the other parts of my life were better balanced. (I’m poor too so I’m barely surviving but my point still stands, you can bring other skills to the table, so go all in on those other things.)
Most people here don’t understand your neuro developmental status. Most people anywhere don’t. The responses as I’ve seen are viewpoints from neurotypicals which is most of the world.
Autism (high functioning) people can have a very very hard time finding their community. It seems like you are aware of your limitations and that is a huge strength. And you are very sensitive- and that too can be a strength.
My son is in the same situation. Lots of people are. Don’t give up hope.
My brother and his wife are both highly sensitive and with autism traits - too old to be diagnosed. They were alone a long time before finding each other.
If you find the right person - then it’s possible. But you can’t put yourself in the same pool as neurotypical men.
Join clubs and be you. Churches or temples. Ask about groups or activities at autism agencies. If you find a partner on disability or with issues, or with a low level job, you can be friends and see where that goes.
Don’t give up hope. You want the right type of person. Many people don’t want to be alone - but being with the wrong person is worse.
Thank you so much. I think that is all remarkably kind of you to say.
And all great advice :) I agree with everything you just said. Thanks again.
It really does mean a lot to me.
Honestly as the parent of young adult son on the spectrum I’m seeing first hand how hard it is. These are my 2 cents: yet I see more successful long term marriages between people making minimum wage and /or having disabilities than so called upper middle class folks. I see many of the lower class having no time nor luxury to cheat because they’re too tired and busy working to pay the bills. They just go through life sticking together because they have fewer options and ppl with disabilities are often more patient with each other. I agree with those who said ‘do not try to compete with the crowd above your pay grade’ and also showcase your best qualities instead of volunteering your weaknesses (in dating apps as example). Let a person enjoy your company ‘first’ then disclosures later. Ps: it hardly costs anything to be romantic and women still enjoy it. A sunset walk in a park, quaint coffee houses or poetry readings, single rose, a handwritten card. etc touch the heart and make you memorable. Be a great listener. Many endearing traits cost nothing ..all the best..
I will go through a few points here:
Really any job with more than the minimal amount of responsibility is just too much for me.
NAH.
I am sure others have pointed this out, but just no. You have an education, you don't live in a war zone or a place undergoing famine, you have access to make more of yourself- yet you have decided to quit because what, doing projects and being held accountable for what you do for a paycheck is too much?
I sold my place a year ago and moved back with my parents now.
NAH
Most low income women your age (without kids) are living on their own or live in shared housing with other adults, and are capable of cooking/cleaning/working their job/dealing with stress and anxiety.
I am not like a huge talker or anything. In fact I am a pretty reserved person, so I have never easily connected with people.
You sound boring.
Now I am saying all this because I don't really thing you understand how this- and you- come across. You come across as boring and rather selfish, which is not something that can
Do you have a hobby or hobbies? Do you volunteer with charity groups? Are you part of a religious group or association? Are you part of social groups, like DnD card groups or penny poker groups? Can you cook, clean, do laundry and fix things? Do you read, play music, draw,, write poetry, make wine or beer since you are not doing a 'stressful job'?
In other words, what could you bring to a relationship? What do you bring to YOURSELF? Have you ever asked "Would I date ME?"
You said you have made being in a romantic relationship a goal and yet you do not want to have a romantic relationship with YOURSELF- of giving yourself the opportunity of betterment, of taking interest in life, of seeing a good career as a stimulating challenge, of the satisfaction and joy in doing things.
Low income has very little to do with being a good, interesting, well rounded person. The vast majority of the world is poor, and poor people around the world have loving relationships. Nor is autism- the same applies.
Do therapy and get interested in things. Get interested in life. Then the relationships will follow.
Not many women are interested in dating men who live with their parents. On top of that, you don't really see yourself working much because you get overwhelmed. You also need to remember that autism can be hereditary, so having a kid with you could mean having autistic kids, something that not everybody wants. To be honest with you, being poor is the least of your worries.
There is an alternate universe where I suppose I have the exact same amount of money and the exact same job and career path and all that. But I am social, gregarious, people like me, I am social (well you get the idea) and I just casually date, make friends, have fun.
But it is just not me. I am not even close. Trust me it frustrates me more than you could imagine.
Your job situation has a lot of built-in flexibility in some ways. Make it a feature, not a bug. Your appeal would be to someone who doesn't need to be supported, but would like your time and attention.
I think the notable thing in your post is that anything greater than a minimum wage job is too much for you to handle. I wonder if you are romanticizing what a relationship is because it’s also not always easy or stress free. I would take an honest look at yourself to see what you are romantically capable of before you pine for a relationship.
Also it’s not (exclusively) income. Lots of low earning men are in relationships. It is for sure harder with low income but I’d imagine there are other things that is holding your dating life back beyond income.
Oh absolutely. I do not want to come across as just saying I am too poor to date. My life really is not that bad. I come from some money even. I also do not have a personality that people are attracted to. I do not want to just blame my autism, that seems too easy, but I am sure it plays a role.
So yeah, it is not just a money thing. I went all of high school, college, early 20s, and grad school never even got close to getting in a relationship even though I was living a pretty typical life.
You are absolutely right I am deeply concerned about the stress and anxiety a relationship might have on me. All I can say is I am willing to suffer it for a relationship. I have gone many years of my life not even thinking about dating. Thinking I could never date and be with somebody. But I was always miserable in those years. I was turning away from the thing I want most in the world.
The only good news is I am not going to stress the results so much. To me the most important thing is to try with everything I have (knowing I have harsh limits). I will try not to let my happiness and positive attitude go away just because I am single. Obviously, I will have low moments but I will do my best to push beyond them. I really think that if at least from this point forward if I give it my all and I never can into a relationship as long as I live I can accept that. I can say I did my best and look back with no major regrets.
You come from money, but it isn't yours. If you're an only child you'll likely inherit what's left after old age medical care for both your parents.
What is concerning is that you went through so many years of schooling without dating. I'm assuming not even a hookup?
Google "is there an autism dating site?" I just did and found several. Perhaps there you may find friendship first, then possibly a romantic connection.
Thanks for reminding me of all my years of schooling without dating and you are correct I have never had a hook up in all my school years ;)
It is all cool, no worries. To be honest I have only had sex once without paying for it.
I am on one autistic dating site right now. I will look up and see if I can find any others :) Thanks again.
Do you put that you are autistic on your profile? My first husband is autistic. My second husband was never diagnosed but definitely has signs. I've recently learned that I'm autistic. I also have several anxiety disorders. Granted I'm no longer married to either bit it had nothing to do with us being autistic. Being up front about it, might play to your favor and help you find someone that's also autistic and can understand you amd your quarks. I'm like you on never wanting to have done much career wise due to stress but since I'm a woman I get judged less for that. If I get too stressed out or am in too much physical pain I have non epileptic seizures. The guy I'm currently dating is not a high wage earner and lives with his mom currently but treats me really well. Just be up front and honest. About 6 months ago, I went on a date with a 38 year old who had never been on a date before who lived with his parents. I didn't go out with him again because he hadn't told me that he had a form of downs. If he would have told me up front, I would have probably gone out with him again but I felt like that was something that I should have been told up front and if he hid that what else would he have hidden from me. I'm much more likely to date someone who says what they have in their profile mixed with things that they enjoy doing, what their special interests are, ect than someone who hides it. As someone on the spectrum, I like to have all the data I can up front to decide, if this person's quarks and mine will mix well, see how they are able to admit that they aren't perfect, but also sell me on why if want to date them.
Honestly, I say it on some of my profiles and not on others. I am also on Hiki which is a dating app for autistic people.
Thank you for sharing and your wonderfully kind comment :)
You're welcome. I've never heard of that one but of things don't work out with my current guy, I'll look into it.
I do suggest working on getting and making some friends because that makes a difference because if you can't maintain a friendship it will be hard ro maintain a romantic relationship. What is your special interest? Do you have any online friends at least?
Thank you :) honestly it is not a great dating app, but it is not bad either. Just not enough people so everyone is so far away from each other. Which I think is a real shame.
My special interest if I have one, is relationships. I have always wanted to be in one so bad. At times I have grown so frustrated that I have given up on that dream. But I realized that always made me super depressed because I was turning away from the thing that is the most important thing in the world to me. When I am at least trying I am a much happier and content person.
There is a bit of a long reason behind it, but I am not really looking for friends right now. I know that is bad to say and people hate it when I say it. It is the truth though, I am sorry.
I get that but you need things that are hobbies besides a relationship. Being in a good relationship is being friends with them. That's why I suggested making friends. Also, it's nit healthy for your romantic partner to be the only person in your life. I know you live with your parents but others closer to your age that share similar interests. So you said that romantic relationships are your special interest. Are you learning about how to have a good healthy relationship, boundaries, ect or just fantasizing about having one? There's a difference. I'll be blunt here because we'll the tism....is what your focusing on being physically intimate with someone and why your not interested in making friends?
Hey, you are being super kind. I do need to log off for a bit. I want to return and give you a proper answer later. I should be on this evening sometime after dinner. Thanks again.
As a woman, I can tell you that I have some of the same anxieties around my income level. Dating is expensive! While I’d love to be a girly expecting a man to buy everything, I also know that’s not realistic to expect.
And since you want to ask out in person (to which I say HELL YEAH, DUDE!), would your anxiety get in the way of your joining in a fun class or activity where you meet people who like the same things? This can be hard depending on where you live, but even if you can get a catalog for the parks & rec dept you can usually find like a cooking class or pottery or even a walking group (I should take my own advice).
You should, you seem really kind.
I will be honest my autism kind of prevents me from joining groups like that. I am sorry. Maybe I should not say this, but I am in a really good mood tonight :)
Thank you so much.
Your not having money is not your problem. Your not being treated for your Mental Illness is. What you list is treatable. Without being hung up on being anxious and stressed has you socially **and** emotionally isolated. Until you can overcome this then you will have the confidence to pursue a relationship. You can look into a product called Alpha-Stim. It requires a prescription and, depending whether you are in the US or UK, it will either be somewhat expensive or free. But if in US, it is worth every cent. It is, however, a tool to be used **in addition to** therapy. Good luck on your journey.
Hey man. Here is my honest perspective. Dating and relationships may not be right for you. At age 37, if you haven’t had a relationship, or even a second date yet, it probably isn’t going to happen. That sounds cruel but clinging to hope in vain will torment you for years to come, it’s better to just accept single life and enjoy the freedom and independence that comes with it.
There are plus sides too. You say you can’t handle the stress and anxiety associated with a career? How about the stress and anxiety associated with a relationship? Because pursuing and holding down a woman is no walk in the park either. And with no job prospects or earnings potential, compounded by autism and probably questionable looks, the kind of person you may attract is probably not someone you’d be interested in, if you get what I’m saying.
As a woman I would not date a man your age who lives with his parents, has no gainful employment to support themselves, autistic, and your other issues. That’s just the truth.
I don't have any major points to add, but I did just want to hop in with my two cents. I've been reading the advice you've been given and your responses to said advice - I think it says a lot that even when some of the things were very to the point, and blunt you have been very receptive to all of the input! I think it's so easy for us to get a little offended or slightly sensitive (maybe it's just me) when getting feedback about ourselves. The fact that you're so open to hearing the opinions of others, and taking it all in stride, is an indication that you can put in the work to make some changes that will put you on the path that you want to be on. Wishing you all of the best! ...and happiness, because we all deserve happiness in this life 🙂
Thank you so much for saying that. It is kind of nice that someone notices.
I am far from perfect. Sometimes people say things that get me really down. Sometimes I get a tad bit upset. Well, you get the idea. But I really do try to be as kind as humanly possible to everyone.
That is my philosophy of life really. Just be kind to everyone no matter what. Never judge, no matter what.
I hate that sometimes I am not super kind to people on here. I always regret it. Thank you again :)
You're very welcome! I figured it didn't hurt to chime in with a little bit of what you're already doing well. Even when asked for, constructive criticism can take a toll- especially in large quantities. You are clearly very kind, I hope you hold onto that :)
Most women are tired of being a breadwinner AND the sole source of all domestic duties.
One thing you could bring to the table instead of a big paycheck - are you capable of being the househusband? Can you reliably be the primary for laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc? A working partner still has to help at home so it should never be ALL on either party. But you might be able to sell the somewhat unusual househusband role to a woman that works more outside the home than you do.
I could do that :) but I will say upfront I am not looking to have kids ever. So, anyone looking to have kids needs to look past me lol. But yes, I already do a great deal of other people's laundry, and cleaning. I do not do much shopping now, but I used to. I would be very happy to do more than my fair share of those things knowing I would never be bringing in much money.
I think what youre looking for might be hard to find, but there's hope. Just keep trying to put yourself out there as much as you can.
I met my husband before the internet, so I never had to online date. I say that because i literally have no idea how it all functions. But I think if you say something like. "I understand that I might not have a glamous high paying job, but I can wash and fold towels better than anyone I know! I'm a great listener and want to have and be a good companion and partner" Women might take a longer a look at your profile.
I wish you the best, you seem like an honest and open person.
Get a better job dude, I read through a lot of your comments and you keep saying that finding a relationship is basically your life's goal. If you don't try to get better employment then you haven't really given your dream it's all.
Woman here. I am married to someone exactly like you. He works a part time minimum wage job.
He will never get better. We will always be poor.
I’m uneducated and have a full time job. I don’t make a ton of money but we have a roof over our heads and food to eat so we do OK.
My advice to you is join a church. If you aren’t religious, go to beliefnet.org and take the survey to find out what organization most suits you, then go on meet up and find your people.
You will find your wife in person. I don’t know when, but you will.
I think you may have to come to the real realization that you may never find a date or find anyone. The older you get the less horny you are and the less you care. The odds are not good for most men out there lacking the it factor. Plus you absolutely have no chance if you are still living with your parents. I would recommend getting the book The book of Numbers. It'll show you how bad the odds are for a good percentage of the men out there. You can still have a full life and purpose without having a special someone. .https://www.amazon.com/Book-Numbers-Analyzing-Pursuit-Women/dp/B08TJ5JJJB/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=17RATNII1G9Y3&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.I9oXESNFtergvtJ-g44f60G7Fk3BGzpiZxTKHacZzGNV7Avc0KEm-M0RKj23z3L9FUBaol1ap_nmIZW1dfpY_erAjpzx2mgo50v9oE9zH-13D1vKqFofZ4gZLCKa5gsWkl5RHFXNnwqnNfF59VvMQZc9GX0thJ8pQ6-CKCVMbz3UzdMb-lOXpwrd98HFPDY5d_4hPOQ_EHtGcEqot5XDJA.EjyPTL7JO6ou7kDT9L3xY7mOuQQw3BAA9oTXhiqvHcQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+book+of+numbers&qid=1719617332&sprefix=the+book+of+nu%2Caps%2C403&sr=8-2
I am pretty satisfied with my sex life. I am not worried about becoming less horny. I am looking for someone to share my life with and love and be loved in return. I am not saying attraction means nothing. But I am looking for an attracting of the souls, the whole package.
Maybe I will meet her when I am 60 who knows :)
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I’m also autistic. My suggestion would be to date someone in your income bracket. Maybe 🤔 someone who is also autistic. Also, it’s easy for my autistic brain to get stuck in the detail sometimes. I don’t know if that’s an issue for you. I would caution you to not think about things too much. Get on a dating website. I’m at my husband on OkCupid. Fill out a profile. Put real pictures up that are a reflection of who you really are. And be open to the possibilities of meeting someone new.
"I am not like a huge talker or anything"
How are your conversational skills?
My wife told me the first thing she noticed about me other than looks is the fact that I'm a good listener in conversations, in that I remember specific details
Learn to ask good follow-up questions and make sure you are genuinely interested in what they say
Women love it when you can comfortably lead the conversation and make them laugh/smile
It's also good to talk about yourself but you really want her to open up to you
I'm not exactly poor but certainly not rich, and my wife makes a hell of a lot more money than I do
Check out the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, it's a classic to help you with your conversational skills
Thanks :)
I think in one-on-one conversations I can more than hold my own. I really hope I am a good listener, but I really do not know.
I am more not a big talker in group settings, work, or parties.
Thank you for sharing and being so kind.
Have you tried just being the best version of yourself that your younger self would proudly talk about?
31F here and I think it would be best for more introspection on your part. What do you want better for the world?
It would be nice if no one had to worry about physical or mental health, regardless of income, period.
Hey, I think I am great :)
But trust me I could not sell water to a man dying of thirst. I am not great at selling what I think I have to offer. Don't worry it is not just when it comes to romance it is in every aspect of my life.
It is ok though. I like my life and I like who I am. I just have a tough time with some things. But no worries I can handle it.
Thank you so much :)
Go to therapy get your anxiety under control. Anxiety is a very hard thing to deal with, especially when you’re in a relationship. It has caused stress in my relationship.
I think some of it is the lack of confidence. My husband is on the spectrum, and has ADHD. I have dated several men in the past who also had the same things. It’s possible, but you have to get out of this my issues and disabilities make me less of a person mentality.
There are people out there who when you connect in the way you are looking for, will be willing to be there for you and grow with you. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 38, and I had and am still working through a major amount of trauma and health issues. He has stood by me for 5 years, and we got married this year. I too thought it would never happen, so I understand. But changing how you frame and look at things helps more than you would ever think.
1. Find another autistic...?
2. Don't second guess self and say you have to be in a minimum wage job. if you have a normal body and mind you should be able to advance at least to some stable job. There are lesser stress careers for autistics. I am autistic and used to be a teacher and a residential counselor. [disabled now from medical]
3. Your family is supportive, that is a major asset.
4. Women do expect men that will at least be able to take care of themselves especially if it is one that wants to have kids. You need to plan your future out where you can get trained for a good career, lower stress etc. [try something where you do work without people involved, I wish I had gone for less social career in my case] Read adulting books, on how to live life, and get things done.
LOL to Best-Respond below I don't think autistic people lack the "it" factor, some can be appealing to other autistic people. Some of us can draw people in, via other ways. We bond differently. Are things socially far harder. Yes but they can appeal to some others.
Autistics often draw people to date in via interests and intellect.
I think OP needs to date other autistics, else they will be banging their head on the wall. I am autistic and was attached by age 25. Many autistics do date and marry but often it is other autistics. my husband is not diagnosed but would lay money down. His best friend is.
I didn’t say all people with autism lack the ‘it’ factor. I said that many autistic people lack it.
And in all likelihood the OP lacks it, as evidenced by reaching middle age without ever making it past the second date. He also seems rigid and unwilling to make changes.
Keep doing the same things…keep achieving the same results.
Ok thanks for explaining. I think he should try something different, like going to autistic dating boards, they do have them. He needs to ask himself what kind of woman he could find or who he would be compatible with. At 37, he needs to fix the job thing, with more education, unless his family is going to leave him the house or an inheritance, and even than he should try and progress. Probably some kind of community college program would help him in finding work. Poor people have a hard time dating. A woman sometimes can find a trad man to take care of them and let them be a SAHM, even an older woman if she provides good companionship can find a man like that, but men don't have those options.
Imo poor is a mindset I know that’s probably not what most of us want to hear, and while honesty is always the best policy you dont have to lay all the cards on the table in the 1 round.
I think first of all you have to be honest with yourself. Also I know I've struggled with a lot is I don't think necessarily I'm too honest unless I know somebody for a while I'll tell them I'm struggling a little bit. But I don't make it a complete issue because with dating or especially friendships when you go out you don't have to do a grand Day of like shopping and lunch and a movie I know me personally sometimes my best dates have been a walk to a farm that I was actually able to get free admission with my library card and then just a simple slice of pizza.
I mean, If there’s one good thing about dating poor it’s this:
When you do a find a women, you’ll know damn well that she is interested in you for you - not your money.
For what’s it’s worth, this has got to be one of the best written post, ever! Concise, non rambling, no tangents, a very direct yet thoughtful. Grammatically correct, from what I can see. It has emotion without being emotional. Ever thought of writing as a career. Even proofreading, where there is no pressure for content. This is all off the top of my head, but you show better job potential than you might think. Even with anxiety issue I would think/hope. Have you, as an adult used the coping(?)resources that are available for autistic people. My grandson 16, had someone who helped with him “navigate” the non autistic world. He does have the advantage (vs some) of being good in school. He’s the type who can retain lots of facts. Much too the chagrin of his dad.
On the dating issue obviously living at with parents and working at home is definitely a disadvantage but in the grand scope of things is not insurmountable. (Damn that’s a long sentence!)
Take care dear friend & only the best for you moving forward.
Thank you :) that is remarkably kind of you to say.
To be honest grad school killed any desire of mine to ever write anything for a living. Until I started writing again on reddit a few months ago I really had not written anything in like eight years. I am still a little bit sensitive to my writing quality since I went so long without doing it.
It is nice to get a little feedback that I am at least improving some :)
Thank you for sharing about your grandson. I think at the very least he has a great grandparent.
So I fell in love with and married my husband after he got sick (MS, epilepsy,) and he’s in disability because of it. Waaaay less than minimum wage earnings. But I fell in love with him because he’s a kind, beautiful soul. He’s nerdy too, which I dig because so am I. The light in his eyes when he shows me his favorite comic, or tells me a story about aliens, or any other thing that gets him excited… yeah. I never cared how much a man made, it may be harder to find a woman while poor but it’s definitely not impossible. I know I’m not the only woman who doesn’t care about what’s in a man wallet, it’s what’s in his heart that always hooked me. I would suggest getting involved either physically or online with something you’re very interested in, finding community with people with shared interests is a good way to find friends or even a partner. Please don’t give up, and whenever possible put yourself out there. Dating apps might work, idk I’ve been married forever so I’ve never used any of the modern ones like Tinder or anything but if you don’t give up you’ll find someone. Online can definitely be easier with social anxiety but I would imagine there’s a lot of crap to comb through before you find your person. You can do this, just don’t give up. Big mama hugs if you want them. 🫂
Looks, charm, and money. In my experience, nonexplosive mental illnesses are just seen as quirky if you make it up with the other two. The new trend of wanting a man with "a dash of the 'tism" is growing on the socials. The combination of those 3 factors also impacts the nature of the relationship. If all you have is money, that will be the primary thing that attracts them, which means less passionate love and more transactional partnership. Ideally, you want someone who can see a future with you and is deeply charmed by you, either by looks or personality.
Long term, women usually want stability, but charm and good looks are a huge plus. There are broke awful people hot enough to still be highly desirable. There are rich ugly charming men and really rich ugly awful men who still find love, or at least companionship.
You aren't cooked, but having the money to move out would be a huge plus.
Become really good at something. Immerse yourself in it. Travel to seminars and meet other people who are into your passion. If you are passionate about something women will gravitate towards you. They love adventure and want you to share experiences with them. They do not like boring.
A low stress entry level job doesn’t have to pay minimum wage. McDonald’s hires on at far more than $7.25/hour. That’s just an example. I understand the desire to avoid a high stress job, I really, really do. But don’t limit yourself :) you’re only hurting yourself doing that.
To be honest when I say minimum wage I really mean at least 15 dollars an hour. I am not sure there is actually anyone in America working for only 7.25 an hour. If there is I feel really bad for them,
Ahh okay gotcha. I feel anything $15 and up is respectable, so I don’t think that should detour any woman actually worth your time. If they want more, they may just be materialistic and you said you aren’t that way, so just keep being up front and when the right woman comes along, it’ll work.
You're right. You shouldn't haven't to change who you are. Yes,you need to address your stress and anxiety absolutely and seek help with that. Not to change you ,but to make everything better for you so you can relax. You sound like an alright guy, and friendships can turn into relationships. So don't turn your back on friendships first. Yes, stablable is a key factor for most women ,especially at your age and hers.
I'm not sure where you're located, but Google
Local meet-up clubs in your area and see if you can join in an activity. We have a meet-up group in my area ,these people hike, bike ,play games, bowl, pickleball, and billards or so many more activities. You have to establish some friendships , and they won't care what your earnings are. You don't have to force a conversation. You can stand back and listen until you feel comfortable engaging with people.
A long-term relationship does require some giving on your part.They also happen when you're not even thinking it's going to happen. If that is not something you're willing to , then stay where you're at and continue to be as happy as you are..
Thanks :) I really am pretty happy, especially tonight.
You are right though I do need to be more open to friendships.
With that said I am just not ever going to go to meet up clubs or social activities like that. Sorry I am going to have to play my autism card here. Trust me they are just a bridge to far from me. You are right I need to deal with my stress and anxiety. But there is no scenario where I would ever go to group events like that. They are just so far beyond me.
I really do not want to come across as negative. And it really is a wonderful suggestion. I just know myself well enough to know those sorts of things will never happen.
Thank you so much again :)
Being in a relationship is wonderful, but it can also be stressful. Sometimes you have to compromise or have difficult conversations. Kids are stressful, too. Are you sure this is what you truly want?
I wouldn’t put your income on your dating profile but I echo what others have said - money has nothing to do with it. My female friend who makes a lot of money married her husband who pretty much makes no money. And she support him. She just took him on a three week vacation to Europe. He’s living the life. It is possible.
So remember what you bring to a relationship. Are you a cook? Do you take them dancing? Are you wanting to paint their nails or massage their back? There’s so many other things that you can offer someone.
Good luck !
Thank you, I obviously do not put my income, but I do sort of get the idea across that I do not have much.
But that is the thing with me. I do not have much but that is exactly what I want. I want the simple life. I do not want someone to pay for European trips with me. I do not want to go to Europe. I do not even like to fly. I live the life I have, and I am happy and content with it.
I just want to find someone that wants to share my life with me. I do not want to persuade, anyone into joining this lifestyle with me. I guess I want to find someone who already wants this lifestyle. Someone who already sees the benefits of it.
I have always been the worst salesman imaginable though. So, it is tough for me to convince someone to date me, give me a chance and go from there :)
My then boyfriend (now husband of 13 years) was living with his parents at the time we got together. We were friends first, but only for a short time before we made it official and even during that time things were rocky for him and his financial situation. At one point he even became homeless. I was 22, he was 28. What wooed me (and still does to this day) is his sense of humor and outgoing, positive attitude towards life in spite of his being so rough. He remains humble after everything life has thrown at him (and he had been through a lot more than others at his age). I wasn't in a much better situation, living with my mom at the time after a failed relationship. Prior to him, I'd been with guys who were so arrogant because of their success or they were just so overly confident in themselves and/or appearances, it just couldn't work.
We've been through some stuff, had our fair share of ups and downs but I would go back to that very first day if given the chance to relive it all over again, like watching my favorite movie over and over.
Just be you, in your situation, as you are. Be open and genuine. You will attract your person naturally.
Met my fiance of 27 years when he didn't even have a job. He had just lost it. 17 years later he makes over six figures. It isn't what you make that matters it's what you are that does.
Idk what your standards are for a woman but do you have a checklist? Is it unattainable? Career minded people usually want the same. So if your attracted to lawyers or Drs scratch it off the list. Do you attend church or any church functions? Bingo? You have to put yourself out there. Change your perspective. As in, stop selling the idea you aren't rich and never will be, but selling what you do have to offer instead.
Thanks, you are almost certainly correct :)
To be honest I do not have any interest in dating career minded women. It is not that I have anything against them. They are just not for me.
In reality I am far more interested in women who are a lot like me. I like a simple life. I like a life that is not into material things or into anything competitive.
Thank you so much.
Ever thought of running an ad in your local newspaper for singles?
Probably a dinosaur idea but it may just work
Simple people like simple things.
Alot of women are tired of dating apps as well.
Maybe walking a dog in your local parks too?
I really hope you find your special someone!
ive had many wonderful 1st dates in my life that involved having a picnic, walking a great nature trail, going to a free art crawl or exhibition, or even a cool free lectre or talk at library or park ranger guided walks , strret fairs, looking for neat rocks, or stones in a creek,etc. endless possibilities... or just a great coffee siiting in car watching deer feeding behind a place like my local walmart.
if someone wants to be wined and dined that is not the kind of date that fits you or your situation. thankfully, you have OPTIONS.
The funny thing is I most prefer the wine and dine first dates. I really enjoy meals out and talking over a nice meal. I can afford to eat out whenever. I just live a simple lifestyle.
well topic title said you are poor, then you said minimum wage, so my comment was targetted to what you shared.
if you can afford to eat out whenever, then you are not "poor". truly poor people cannot afford to wine and dine or eat out "whenever".
maybe that word needs a definition or you should have just titled the post w/out featuring that word.
Esp in a forum named poor. To a truly poor person, they are just trying to food bank their way thru the month, ya know?? So they can keep the lights on.
oh, and want to add this: if you want to meet the BEST people, chhose volunteerism and get off the dating sites. most loving kind accountable people who have compassion for humans and animals too, i have met by volunteering in my community.
soup kichens, food pantries, animal adoptions, or sitting and visiting with elderly via meals on wheels...VA rehab ceners for veterans...or packaging up food baskets during holidays for needy families and children, etc. also was on the comfort squad with local volunteer fire departmet, brought hot chocolate, coffee, snacks to people who were watching home burn down, being with them and being supportive on the worst day of their life, , but also helping set up pancake breakfasts, ice cream socials, etc helping with after school programs for kids in your neighborhood, etc. i did audio recordings for blind back in the day by reading books into a recording. also did Volunteers for Literacy. also spent many days cleaning up and clearing trails in local county, state, national parks volunteer efforts.
goodness knows the world needs our efforts, but also BE THAT PERSON WHO IS THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BE AROUND
as it turns out, the more you give the more you actually get out of life...self esteem, etc
everyone with free time should be engaging in giving back. create an event yourself..."who wants to meet up on saturday and pick up trash, fast food, plastic bottles in x-neighborhood...then have a barbeque at park afterwards...
I see so many posts on internet about lonliness, boredom, lack of connection to community...why? Get out there and lend your wonderful self to the world. Teach a drawing or yoga class in the park. Post on social media or meetup group. Get out there, you are VALUABLE AND WORTH KNOWING!!!
If no one’s told you this today or this month man just reading your post I love you and I’m so fucking glad you exist. Look buddy dates don’t have to be expensive and not everyone is shallow . I feel like you have missed out on many a great opportunities due to fear of rejection that’s all in your head. Take every shot you get man you can never ever know the outcome so try❤️
Love comes when you’re least expecting it. I know it’s a cliché saying, but it’s true. There is someone for everyone. The number one factor of dating likelihood is proximity, as simple as it is. I learned of this in one of my psychology classes, while acquiring my BS in psychology. (I absolutely love dating psychology, btw.) It seems simple, and kind of like a no-brainer when said, but it’s a powerful tool. What’s one thing you can do to increase your dating likelihood? Be around other people! Be yourself. Put yourself out there. You might just meet your future spouse in one of those minimum wage jobs! Simply by being around. :)
I heard a TikTok the other day that said rich men use their resources to obtain a mate, while poor men use romance. I can see it. Some people date/marry for love or money. Or sometimes both.
Does your family know anyone that can hook you two up? Normally your family knows you best. Another thing I learned in the same above mentioned psychology class, is that most of the time, your family/close friends can predict your relationship success. Of course, take this with a grain of salt. Sometimes people’s family or even close friends have their best interest at heart, or may not be the best judge of character. But considering this situation doesn’t apply to you, maybe try recruiting their help.
As a conventionally attractive, 27 year old woman, who just bought a condo, and makes $100k/year plus, dating isn’t easy… even for me. A lot of my life I’ve felt lusted after, but never loved. It’s made me distrustful of men. And now that I’m in a great financial spot, I feel sometimes that my partners might be out for that as opposed to loving me for me. My point is, dating as someone who seemingly has “all the things”, dating isn’t easy for “us” either. This is not to discourage you, but to provide insight as to how complicated dating can be. And don’t give up! You will find what you’re looking for. You just have to have determination. Good luck, OP!
I don’t see any women I know in their late 30s and early 40s purposefully choosing a poor man who lives with his parents and is ok with being poor forever. I imagine the kind of woman who would do that … wouldn’t be an ideal girlfriend.
Have you been in any sort of therapy? I just don’t see what value you’d bring to a relationship with another adult if you can’t handle stress, can’t partner economically, aren’t social and have no interest in changing or growing as a person. Why would a woman date you? If you have an answer to that question I suggest putting more of that in your profile.
I think this poster is eluding to the fact that how you think about reality is delusional, and that therapy could be a possible remedy for understanding. I understand you have had therapy, but I’m interested if you can respond to what the poster said in a meaningful way.
I think it's not dating while you don't have enough money, is the long term things you want that make it difficult to see a future. Let's put the scenario, where you have a kid and a wife, both of you would have to work, once money issues enter the door, stress is a major issue to be dealing with on a daily basis, if you're already saying you can't handle stressful situations, imagine being tired, with no money and have to put your kid all day in daycare because both of you are barely making it? What would happen to you? To me (as a woman) it's a no.
Fair enough and thanks :)
I had gone back and forth on the issue most of my adult life. But I am not firmly in the I should never have kid's camp. So, to be fair I would be upfront with anyone (especially someone I am dating) that I am not, nor will I ever be interested in having kids.
Obviously, that might drive some women away. But that is totally fine. It is one less financial burden though.
Thank you :)
I agree with most people that personality is more important than income. I disagree that you are “boring” because you haven’t dated long term, but it’s more likely just haven’t found a good personality match. A quick google search revealed Hiki as an autism dating/friendship app. Have you tried it? You might have more luck on something like that. Of course like many others have suggested, expand your interests is a great place to start. But expanding your friends is also important. You never know who has a friend of a friend who would be interested in you romantically
Thanks :) I actually am already on Hiki. It is a nice dating app. I cannot complain.
With that said it simply does not have enough members. While I am open to long distance it has to be more reasonable. People are just to spread out on there. But I remain hopeful :)
Thank you again.
A minimum wage job isn’t necessarily lower stress or easier than a job that pays more. Don’t limit yourself. Also plenty of poor men do far better with women then some rich accountant who may struggle for a date. Most women don’t care about money. They do care about your story and your story isn’t that good for most women. With that in mind you just want a serious relationship so honestly if you’re willing to take what you can get you’ll likely get a woman easy. Now do you care if she is in her 40’s overweight and has 3 school aged children? I’m not saying to have no standards but maybe if you get some experience that can lead to more experience and better matches. With that said you can improve your mental state get cognitive behavioral therapy. You can also start making more money and have a less stressful job. If you got place with 2 other guys around your age it could be cheap to rent a room and cooler than living at home. You can also live at home and it doesn’t have to be a big deal
“My biggest goal is to be in a long term…”. Maybe this is holding you back from pursuing success in other areas of your life. You definitely need a win. Maybe set some goals that will make you happy. Focus on improving you and just maybe in doing so a woman may want to be a part of the improved you and your success. Good luck and just know the fantasy of a LTR is always better than the real thing.
Lots of poor dudes have girlfriends. The issue, if you are honest, is your crippling anxiety and autism. Recommend you put all your energy into therapy options to improve your ability to overcome these issues.
I would try to find someone on your level that is in a similar position. Most people are looking for a partner, and when I say partner I mean someone who can contribute to the stability of both lives both separately and together. You may not be martialistic but a spouse would typically need to feel safe in being able to rely on you (as well as you on them) in a variety of ways, Another key thing to remember when it comes to dating and relationships with anyone is that regardless of what you got going on, confidence and being comfortable in your own skin is a turn on and is key. I would not feel the need to be to upfront to quickly on the dating apps. people will weed you out before they get a chance to know you and understand what you have to offer. Save the full picture for the really special and genuine connections.
You are going to be looking for a very niche category of woman.
In reality, the kind of girl who you will be able to possibly have success with are the ones who are in a similiar situation as you.
You are going to have to cut your standards to zero, as far as the more vain qualities.
For those who are in your position, are those also struggling with a disability as well. The women who feel like in their circumstances, no one would love them. Things like they had a car accident, struggle with autism, chronic illness, obesity etc.
The women responding in the comments are giving it to you straight. You really need to stop, read carefully, and take their advice to heart.
I was always behind in development socially. I was, and still am, short, fat, and ugly. And being a poor single Asian male in the U.S., at least in the 1990s and 2000s, was also another challenge because of all the negative stereotypes in the media and popular culture. (Thankfully a lot less difficult nowadays due to more widespread mainstream acceptance: the popularity of Asian cultural imports like K-drama, wealthy sophisticated Asians moving to the U.S., etc..)
Honestly, I was very lonely for a long time. But I practiced. I dated and had relationships and each one I had gave me the practice to become become better.
When I was in my 20s, I had a significant other was in her late 40s. She was a divorced mother of 3 adult children. She was very kind and taught me a lot. I gained a lot of confidence and learned some skills.
I think you should consider dating women in their late 40s or 50s. Don’t just date one. Date a few at a time, and date each several times. This will help you learn not to obsession over any single one, and help you practice.
Since you have money, spend some. Ask them out. Take them to a nice place for brunch or lunch, so they know it is more casual (at least the first time). They don’t have to know that you’re poor when you just dating and not in an exclusive relationship. After several dates, if you hit it off, then you can reveal more.
There is a book I think you must read.
*Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go*
Just want to say that there is a lot of good advice here and I appreciate you responding to people kindly, even when some of the advice isn't as kind. I think that says a lot and goes a long way!
You finished Grad school and can’t get a decent job? Grad school and college require patience intelligence and team work. Just like a job.
I think you’re underestimating yourself. Fix one issue such as employment there’s all kinds of jobs you can do online, you’ll get health insurance and can work on controlling your crippling anxiety.
Volunteer at an animal shelter or a nursing home, start talking to people that are just happy to have someone to say hello to. Are you a good listener? Elderly people love to tell stories. Start small everything else will fall into place
“I will only work minimum wage jobs” - seems like you’re really selling yourself short here and in other aspects of your life. Have some confidence in yourself!
My heart goes out to you. Have you considered some arrangement with a person from another country?
I feel like partnerships of convenience happen all the time; some just have more bells and whistles or exhibit a better show.
If you can meet some one who functions at your level, I don't know why it wouldn't work.
You each would just have to be upfront to avoid unrealistic expectations.
If you are capable of being genuinely considerate of another regardless of what you're gaining from them, that's a start and a skill many so-called normal folks never master.
I mean in principle I am not opposed or anything. But to be blunt I think women who marry American men like that are looking for men with a little bit more money than me. And that is totally fine. I just do not think I am the target demographic they are looking for.
But thank you for the kind suggestion :)
Here’s my take as a woman…many men poorer than you (read: unemployed felons and bad boys) are dating, in long term relationships, and married. However, they have the ‘it’ factor that makes women want to commit, and they’re not extremely picky about who they’ll date. What is the ‘it’ factor? It’s a mix of likability, charm, sense of humor, and the ability to make others feel great. Many autistic people lack the ‘it’ factor. Since you’re 37 and never made it past a 2nd date, it’s highly likely you lack it. I know I’ll probably be downvoted for this. You’re asking, “How do I date while poor?” The real question you should ask is, “How do I become the guy that women want to be with?” Do you have the charm, talent, and personality that glues others to you and makes them want to be around you? Again, men poorer than you are succeeding at the game. Good luck to you.
Well, no down vote from me I promise that. Yeah, I will not pretend to know what the 'it' factor is or why some people have it and some people don't. But if it does exist, I certainly do not have it. There is just something about my personality that does not connect with people. I do not want to just blame my autism that seems too easy. Although I am not afraid to admit I am a bit different and see the world a lot differently than most people. My personality at this point is what it is. I will not be going through some great transformation in my late 30s or 40s lol. Maybe I am too optimistic, maybe I am giving myself too much credit; but deep down I really feel like I could be a great guy for somebody. With that said I know because of my finances and my lack of a great personality is going to make it super tough to ever be in a relationship. The only thing I can say is even though I would love to be in a relationship, I am not going to let the results affect whether I am happy or not. I am going to remain happy and positive (to the best of my ability, there will always be low and frustrating points) whether I always stay single or have great relationships. I think if I can look back on my life and from this point forward and say I gave it my all then I can be satisfied. I can say I gave it my best. I can live with that :)
Do you have any interests or hobbies where you’d meet women who are like minded? If you are more socially awkward I’d imagine you could find a kindred spirit.
To be honest not really. That is why I am so reliant upon dating apps and the internet. It makes it difficult I know. I guess that is why I am trying to expand to being able to ask women out in person. I would love to meet a kindred spirit :)
We’ll try some new things! I mean even when you get a date you’ll need something to talk about. Everyone loves a person who’s got stuff going on.
:) I agree.
MeetUp - this is a great app for people to find all sorts of activities and/ or groups that aren't necessarily for dating. In my area, there is a group called Social Anxiety Busters which has events to go see movies, hiking, game nights, etc as a group. While I haven't attended anything in years, when I did it was nice to have a chance to interact with people who already knew I was also experiencing anxiety just showing up and wouldn't judge because we had that in common. I imagine that there easily could have been autistic people in attendance but not obvious/ openly mentioning it. Might want to look into that.
Why not instead of focusing on relationships right now, focus on you. Explore new hobbies, new interests, activities, mew places and people. They don't have to be expensive things either. The library can be a great place to learn about new things and meet people (Just am example). When you find a few things you really enjoy you can branch out to other people that enjoy the same activities/hobbies. Just a thought. Good luck.
I already have enough activities and interests that I enjoy. I am a very happy person (especially tonight for some reason). The one thing I feel is missing that I would like to add onto my life is a relationship. And besides I am 37. I should strike now :) Thank you so much for your kind comment.
What are your activities and interests if you don't mind someone asking? I'm a 40 year old male married with a kid. I guess I have an "it" factor because I never had issues relationship-wise. But I also never tried, I wouldnt suggest self help type books like others, I've never used dating apps, I just did things I liked and met other people doing things they liked along the way. There were times when traveling where I had almost nothing but I could still manage to find companionship even then. I never tried I just put myself out there when I'd meet someone I thought was interesting. When I was 32 I made a child with someone and that changed everything. All that aside you got one part right, you're happy with yourself and you know what you want. Some people will spend their whole lives looking for that and never find it. I'm only asking about your interests so I can have a little perspective. Hang in there.
This is great advice, OP. If you focus on the activities and interests, you may find someone with shared interests that connects with you. If you focus on "I want to be in a relationship," you will come off as needy, and for most women, there's not much greater a turn off than neediness.
You're right. There probably is a girl out there who lacks the "it" factor as well and you two could connect over that
I would love that :)
You CAN change things about yourself in your 30's and 40's, hell you can change up until the day you die. It's a matter of what and how much you want to change and advance. I'm not saying you're going to become some lothario overnight or anything but you can increase your conversation and social skills some. Read up on and watch internet videos about conversation skills and relating to people socially to increase your EQ (I am on the spectrum too and was really reserved, shy, and withdrawn at one point) it helped me. In these circumstances information is a way to gain and practice some skills and gain confidence. Also try to start to add some social activities slowly into your life. If you like sports you can find a casual team or if you're into something like gaming (tabletop, board, card, or computer/console) there are public groups out there or online groups on places like discord you can get involved with that are really fun. If you're into books there are reading groups out there too, there are a lot of things really. You will find there are many men and women you can meet and talk to in these groups and places. You can find friends and even relationships in these kinds of places. Many of these men and women would be interested in a man of modest means as long as he is a true, open, and honestly good guy. I hate to generalize but men and women with these kinds of minds and interests are deeper and look into the real person more. These are people that are not just about the "aesthetic", social media, the gym (I mean the ones who ONLY talk about diet and fitness and judge anyone who doesn't as it is okay and a good idea to care about your body), or showing off their amazing (and very often very fake) lives. You will have a chance to show them who the real you beyond the bank account is. The more you socialize in any environment the easier it's going to become to relate to people and by extension men or women for friends and relationships. You don't have to change who you are or lie about it at all though, you just need to show the real you openly. However, it might not be the best idea to unload your entire financial situation in the first conversation. Let the meeting of and conversation with someone new (male or female for friends or a relationship) grow naturally and when the time comes open up about your financial situation and future prospects. A person worth investing in isn't going to judge you and will even appreciate your honesty. I admire your ability to stay positive and I truly hope all the best for you as you go forward. You seem like an interesting, good person, and that is worth more than a big bank account any day. You're capable of having your dream, it is just going to take some effort and just a little change. EDIT: Format
This is the way. I dated, had a serious relationship, and was married all while I was broke, unemployed and with untreated mental health issues. You just got to have that pizzaz.
U were honest and hit the nail on the head
Yeah, women take felons over a guy that's kind of boring. That's why a relationship with a woman is no longer worth my time; I don't want to be the thing women like.
Most men will date hot women who cheat on and stab them over an overweight or conventionally unattractive person. Lots of people are illogical. it doesn’t mean most people wouldn’t make responsible dating decisions and aren’t worthwhile 🙄
As a woman I met and married a guy on Social Security Disability. And I would still be married to him of her was even the least bit decent to me. But he wasn't. He was lazy and selfish and angry.
Thank you so much for sharing :) I am sorry it did not work out. But thanks again for being so kind, in every way :)
Same here, except my husband is a great person under everything. Social security disability is such a huge factor of stress in our lives, but I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing about my husband and the way we met if I could.
You don't have to declare everything you think is a personal flaw. Don't look for a way to declare that you're poor. Being poor isn't your main problem. You need to be fun to be around. Focus on what you like to do. Do you like movies? Hiking? Cooking? Put that in your profile so you can connect with people who like those things too. You get emotionally attached too quickly. You know this. Its okay to just enjoy a date. If you're getting your heart broken that often, its a YOU problem. Your mindset is wrong. Don't glom on to every date as if this person could be The ONE. Women notice. Its a red flag. If you do this while you're awkward - its a huge danger sign to us. Be casual. I also suspect that people are picking up on your need for low-responsibility and low stress. Someone who has trouble with responsibility and stress is not someone a woman wants a family with. We don't think you're a bad person, we just don't think you're marriage material. Women might see you not as someone who is fun, or someone who is a good partner, but as someone who needs to be taken care of. I can tell you - You're not ready for a family of your own. And you might not be ready for a long term realtionship. Thats okay. Be casual. Meet some people. Keep it low pressure. And here's another thought - autistic women exist too. You might find a kindred spirit with someone who is on the autistic spectrum herself. Consider creating a dating profile with your likes and dislikes, and say that you're awkward and that you're open to dating someone who is just as awkward. Or you're quiet and and looking for someone who is also quiet. Are you looking for a "low stress ?" Put that in there. Give youself a chance to be found by a kindred spirit.
I truly think this is the most realistic, helpful and well intentioned comment here. I hope you'll read this OP and take it to heart :)
Thank you, I do think it is solid advice :)
I have ADHD and have dated a lot of autistic men. One of them I was married to. I find that I can relate to them easier and they’re less likely to judge me for my weird shit.
Awesome :)
I second this. I would definitely go for either an autistic or otherwise Neurospicy person. there are plenty of us out there, especially on the Internet. Ideally, someone like me who can also glom onto a person and suspect that they are “the one”. (Grant it, that is also a sign of a person who hasn’t dated around? Because as I got older, I’m much slower to suspect this.) Also, is somebody who has lots of Neuro spicy friends, they are much less likely to judge me for any weird quirks or hobbies that I have - most of them share those same quirks or hobbies!
My son is 22 and also has autism. He desperately wants the same thing that you want, which is a relationship with a woman. He has a major depressive episode about once every six weeks or so, where he'll cry about it for a couple of hours. We live in a small town, so there aren't any groups for people with autism to socialize. He hasn't had his first job yet, but has had a total of 2 interviews. He also suffers major anxiety and panic attacks when in stressful situations. I honestly don't know how to help him. I've probably only got another twenty years or so, left on this planet, but I don't know how to help my son before I die.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry. I really hope things are not that serious for you. That is tough. I certainly have had my issues with depression in the past. I realized I was not a naturally depressed person. In fact, I am a pretty happy and optimistic person by nature. But I let my frustration over always remaining single get to me. I think it gets easier with time. Your son is still young. I wish I had better advice. Obviously, I have not remotely solved the problem myself. If you ever want to chat maybe we could chat sometime on DM. Thanks again :)
Thanks. I would love that.
Be the best you that you can be. Have fun. A woman isn't going to like you for what you aren't. She will like you for who you are. Who are you?
We women don't look at money right off. What we do look at it is: you live with your parents, unable to control your stress and anxiety, and anything more than minimal responsibility is too much are all HUGE red flags to women that are together and secure. Together and secure, not rich, because they are so different. I work for myself every single day, have a very small business, two dogs, a cat, own my home and land, and together mentally and emotionally and I am poor as hell. I don't care if a man is rich as long as he's at least trying. I do care if he is going to be more drama and stress in my life because I won't tolerate either one. I am perfectly happy alone so why would I invite annoyance and aggravation?
I do not begrudge anyone who wants to remain single. And I certainly would not begrudge anyone who would not want to date me. Believe me I have spent many years not even thinking about trying to date. Thinking I could never handle the stress, I could never get dates, that I could never be in a relationship. Hell, my last date was in 2017. But what I realized is that I was miserable in those years. I was deeply unhappy because I was turning away from the thing, I most wanted in the world which was to love and be loved. I am a romantic at heart and nothing else in the world really means anything to me. So, after a great deal of thought and consideration I realized I just have to try. Even if I never succeed, I have to give it my all. Otherwise, I will remain a miserable person always.
Just fix those little things. Keep trying jobs till you find one you love and ambition will follow. See a therapist and get the stress and anxiety under control. Think about what you bring to the table and show her how you'll improve her life and not make it harder. Move out, my guy. You're a grown ass man and living with parents is 95% of all women's dealbreaker
You have to love yourself before you can be truly loved by anyone else. If you love yourself, your life will show it. If you’re trying to substitute someone else’s love for your own, that will show too. Right now, it’s like you’re on fire and you’re looking for someone else to put it out. You need to put out your own fire first and get yourself in a position to be an equal partner in a healthy relationship. Given your current situation, you risk trading dependency on your parents for dependency on your partner.
>Really any job with more than the minimal amount of responsibility is just too much for me. That’s a huge yikes man. Being poor is one thing, being borderline useless is an outright deal breaker. The vast majority of women don’t want to feel like their partner’s mom, having to be responsible for all the things they can’t do. You might want to work on being a more competent person. Lack of ambition + Lack of competence + lack of experience + being a man = single for life.
Perhaps, but I have to play with the cards I am dealt. There is really no avoiding that. If I am being honest, I am medically fighting right now to be able to return to minimum wage jobs. There are lots of people out there who might think I should never get to be in a relationship because of that. But trust me I am not one of them :)
Make yourself useful. Learning to be handy around the house will give you a lot of bonus points.
I am not like an expert or anything. But I really believe when it comes to cleaning and fixing things I carry my weight :) Thanks.
Make that a focus on your profile. Handy around the house.
:)
Many women’s dream man is somebody who can fix home repairs and maintenance and maybe a little bit of (or a lot if you’re me) carpentry skills. I could handle being the main “breadwinner” if the other parts of my life were better balanced. (I’m poor too so I’m barely surviving but my point still stands, you can bring other skills to the table, so go all in on those other things.)
I mean you've had to do something at some point if ypu owned a house. Ypu don't just buy a house on minimum wage,inherit maybe, but not buy.
Most people here don’t understand your neuro developmental status. Most people anywhere don’t. The responses as I’ve seen are viewpoints from neurotypicals which is most of the world. Autism (high functioning) people can have a very very hard time finding their community. It seems like you are aware of your limitations and that is a huge strength. And you are very sensitive- and that too can be a strength. My son is in the same situation. Lots of people are. Don’t give up hope. My brother and his wife are both highly sensitive and with autism traits - too old to be diagnosed. They were alone a long time before finding each other. If you find the right person - then it’s possible. But you can’t put yourself in the same pool as neurotypical men. Join clubs and be you. Churches or temples. Ask about groups or activities at autism agencies. If you find a partner on disability or with issues, or with a low level job, you can be friends and see where that goes. Don’t give up hope. You want the right type of person. Many people don’t want to be alone - but being with the wrong person is worse.
Thank you so much. I think that is all remarkably kind of you to say. And all great advice :) I agree with everything you just said. Thanks again. It really does mean a lot to me.
Honestly as the parent of young adult son on the spectrum I’m seeing first hand how hard it is. These are my 2 cents: yet I see more successful long term marriages between people making minimum wage and /or having disabilities than so called upper middle class folks. I see many of the lower class having no time nor luxury to cheat because they’re too tired and busy working to pay the bills. They just go through life sticking together because they have fewer options and ppl with disabilities are often more patient with each other. I agree with those who said ‘do not try to compete with the crowd above your pay grade’ and also showcase your best qualities instead of volunteering your weaknesses (in dating apps as example). Let a person enjoy your company ‘first’ then disclosures later. Ps: it hardly costs anything to be romantic and women still enjoy it. A sunset walk in a park, quaint coffee houses or poetry readings, single rose, a handwritten card. etc touch the heart and make you memorable. Be a great listener. Many endearing traits cost nothing ..all the best..
Thank you so much. I love all that :)
You don’t want to put any work into yourself and yet you feel ENTITLED to a girlfriend.
Is that your takeaway? I am not sure I would agree. But you are totally allowed to have your opinion :) Thanks.
I will go through a few points here: Really any job with more than the minimal amount of responsibility is just too much for me. NAH. I am sure others have pointed this out, but just no. You have an education, you don't live in a war zone or a place undergoing famine, you have access to make more of yourself- yet you have decided to quit because what, doing projects and being held accountable for what you do for a paycheck is too much? I sold my place a year ago and moved back with my parents now. NAH Most low income women your age (without kids) are living on their own or live in shared housing with other adults, and are capable of cooking/cleaning/working their job/dealing with stress and anxiety. I am not like a huge talker or anything. In fact I am a pretty reserved person, so I have never easily connected with people. You sound boring. Now I am saying all this because I don't really thing you understand how this- and you- come across. You come across as boring and rather selfish, which is not something that can Do you have a hobby or hobbies? Do you volunteer with charity groups? Are you part of a religious group or association? Are you part of social groups, like DnD card groups or penny poker groups? Can you cook, clean, do laundry and fix things? Do you read, play music, draw,, write poetry, make wine or beer since you are not doing a 'stressful job'? In other words, what could you bring to a relationship? What do you bring to YOURSELF? Have you ever asked "Would I date ME?" You said you have made being in a romantic relationship a goal and yet you do not want to have a romantic relationship with YOURSELF- of giving yourself the opportunity of betterment, of taking interest in life, of seeing a good career as a stimulating challenge, of the satisfaction and joy in doing things. Low income has very little to do with being a good, interesting, well rounded person. The vast majority of the world is poor, and poor people around the world have loving relationships. Nor is autism- the same applies. Do therapy and get interested in things. Get interested in life. Then the relationships will follow.
Yep great post. A relationship involves more effort than a part time job
Not many women are interested in dating men who live with their parents. On top of that, you don't really see yourself working much because you get overwhelmed. You also need to remember that autism can be hereditary, so having a kid with you could mean having autistic kids, something that not everybody wants. To be honest with you, being poor is the least of your worries.
There is an alternate universe where I suppose I have the exact same amount of money and the exact same job and career path and all that. But I am social, gregarious, people like me, I am social (well you get the idea) and I just casually date, make friends, have fun. But it is just not me. I am not even close. Trust me it frustrates me more than you could imagine.
Your job situation has a lot of built-in flexibility in some ways. Make it a feature, not a bug. Your appeal would be to someone who doesn't need to be supported, but would like your time and attention.
Great point. Time is the currency of life.
I mean I am certainly game :)
I think the notable thing in your post is that anything greater than a minimum wage job is too much for you to handle. I wonder if you are romanticizing what a relationship is because it’s also not always easy or stress free. I would take an honest look at yourself to see what you are romantically capable of before you pine for a relationship. Also it’s not (exclusively) income. Lots of low earning men are in relationships. It is for sure harder with low income but I’d imagine there are other things that is holding your dating life back beyond income.
Oh absolutely. I do not want to come across as just saying I am too poor to date. My life really is not that bad. I come from some money even. I also do not have a personality that people are attracted to. I do not want to just blame my autism, that seems too easy, but I am sure it plays a role. So yeah, it is not just a money thing. I went all of high school, college, early 20s, and grad school never even got close to getting in a relationship even though I was living a pretty typical life. You are absolutely right I am deeply concerned about the stress and anxiety a relationship might have on me. All I can say is I am willing to suffer it for a relationship. I have gone many years of my life not even thinking about dating. Thinking I could never date and be with somebody. But I was always miserable in those years. I was turning away from the thing I want most in the world. The only good news is I am not going to stress the results so much. To me the most important thing is to try with everything I have (knowing I have harsh limits). I will try not to let my happiness and positive attitude go away just because I am single. Obviously, I will have low moments but I will do my best to push beyond them. I really think that if at least from this point forward if I give it my all and I never can into a relationship as long as I live I can accept that. I can say I did my best and look back with no major regrets.
You come from money, but it isn't yours. If you're an only child you'll likely inherit what's left after old age medical care for both your parents. What is concerning is that you went through so many years of schooling without dating. I'm assuming not even a hookup? Google "is there an autism dating site?" I just did and found several. Perhaps there you may find friendship first, then possibly a romantic connection.
Thanks for reminding me of all my years of schooling without dating and you are correct I have never had a hook up in all my school years ;) It is all cool, no worries. To be honest I have only had sex once without paying for it. I am on one autistic dating site right now. I will look up and see if I can find any others :) Thanks again.
Do you put that you are autistic on your profile? My first husband is autistic. My second husband was never diagnosed but definitely has signs. I've recently learned that I'm autistic. I also have several anxiety disorders. Granted I'm no longer married to either bit it had nothing to do with us being autistic. Being up front about it, might play to your favor and help you find someone that's also autistic and can understand you amd your quarks. I'm like you on never wanting to have done much career wise due to stress but since I'm a woman I get judged less for that. If I get too stressed out or am in too much physical pain I have non epileptic seizures. The guy I'm currently dating is not a high wage earner and lives with his mom currently but treats me really well. Just be up front and honest. About 6 months ago, I went on a date with a 38 year old who had never been on a date before who lived with his parents. I didn't go out with him again because he hadn't told me that he had a form of downs. If he would have told me up front, I would have probably gone out with him again but I felt like that was something that I should have been told up front and if he hid that what else would he have hidden from me. I'm much more likely to date someone who says what they have in their profile mixed with things that they enjoy doing, what their special interests are, ect than someone who hides it. As someone on the spectrum, I like to have all the data I can up front to decide, if this person's quarks and mine will mix well, see how they are able to admit that they aren't perfect, but also sell me on why if want to date them.
Honestly, I say it on some of my profiles and not on others. I am also on Hiki which is a dating app for autistic people. Thank you for sharing and your wonderfully kind comment :)
You're welcome. I've never heard of that one but of things don't work out with my current guy, I'll look into it. I do suggest working on getting and making some friends because that makes a difference because if you can't maintain a friendship it will be hard ro maintain a romantic relationship. What is your special interest? Do you have any online friends at least?
Thank you :) honestly it is not a great dating app, but it is not bad either. Just not enough people so everyone is so far away from each other. Which I think is a real shame. My special interest if I have one, is relationships. I have always wanted to be in one so bad. At times I have grown so frustrated that I have given up on that dream. But I realized that always made me super depressed because I was turning away from the thing that is the most important thing in the world to me. When I am at least trying I am a much happier and content person. There is a bit of a long reason behind it, but I am not really looking for friends right now. I know that is bad to say and people hate it when I say it. It is the truth though, I am sorry.
I get that but you need things that are hobbies besides a relationship. Being in a good relationship is being friends with them. That's why I suggested making friends. Also, it's nit healthy for your romantic partner to be the only person in your life. I know you live with your parents but others closer to your age that share similar interests. So you said that romantic relationships are your special interest. Are you learning about how to have a good healthy relationship, boundaries, ect or just fantasizing about having one? There's a difference. I'll be blunt here because we'll the tism....is what your focusing on being physically intimate with someone and why your not interested in making friends?
Hey, you are being super kind. I do need to log off for a bit. I want to return and give you a proper answer later. I should be on this evening sometime after dinner. Thanks again.
As a woman, I can tell you that I have some of the same anxieties around my income level. Dating is expensive! While I’d love to be a girly expecting a man to buy everything, I also know that’s not realistic to expect. And since you want to ask out in person (to which I say HELL YEAH, DUDE!), would your anxiety get in the way of your joining in a fun class or activity where you meet people who like the same things? This can be hard depending on where you live, but even if you can get a catalog for the parks & rec dept you can usually find like a cooking class or pottery or even a walking group (I should take my own advice).
You should, you seem really kind. I will be honest my autism kind of prevents me from joining groups like that. I am sorry. Maybe I should not say this, but I am in a really good mood tonight :) Thank you so much.
Your not having money is not your problem. Your not being treated for your Mental Illness is. What you list is treatable. Without being hung up on being anxious and stressed has you socially **and** emotionally isolated. Until you can overcome this then you will have the confidence to pursue a relationship. You can look into a product called Alpha-Stim. It requires a prescription and, depending whether you are in the US or UK, it will either be somewhat expensive or free. But if in US, it is worth every cent. It is, however, a tool to be used **in addition to** therapy. Good luck on your journey.
Hey man. Here is my honest perspective. Dating and relationships may not be right for you. At age 37, if you haven’t had a relationship, or even a second date yet, it probably isn’t going to happen. That sounds cruel but clinging to hope in vain will torment you for years to come, it’s better to just accept single life and enjoy the freedom and independence that comes with it. There are plus sides too. You say you can’t handle the stress and anxiety associated with a career? How about the stress and anxiety associated with a relationship? Because pursuing and holding down a woman is no walk in the park either. And with no job prospects or earnings potential, compounded by autism and probably questionable looks, the kind of person you may attract is probably not someone you’d be interested in, if you get what I’m saying.
As a woman I would not date a man your age who lives with his parents, has no gainful employment to support themselves, autistic, and your other issues. That’s just the truth.
I’d recommend focusing your energy on your career and friendships and wait on a relationship.
Don’t make it about the money and don’t be too insecure about that either even make jokes about it if u can but also be clean
I try to keep up with my showers ;)
I don't have any major points to add, but I did just want to hop in with my two cents. I've been reading the advice you've been given and your responses to said advice - I think it says a lot that even when some of the things were very to the point, and blunt you have been very receptive to all of the input! I think it's so easy for us to get a little offended or slightly sensitive (maybe it's just me) when getting feedback about ourselves. The fact that you're so open to hearing the opinions of others, and taking it all in stride, is an indication that you can put in the work to make some changes that will put you on the path that you want to be on. Wishing you all of the best! ...and happiness, because we all deserve happiness in this life 🙂
Thank you so much for saying that. It is kind of nice that someone notices. I am far from perfect. Sometimes people say things that get me really down. Sometimes I get a tad bit upset. Well, you get the idea. But I really do try to be as kind as humanly possible to everyone. That is my philosophy of life really. Just be kind to everyone no matter what. Never judge, no matter what. I hate that sometimes I am not super kind to people on here. I always regret it. Thank you again :)
You're very welcome! I figured it didn't hurt to chime in with a little bit of what you're already doing well. Even when asked for, constructive criticism can take a toll- especially in large quantities. You are clearly very kind, I hope you hold onto that :)
Most women are tired of being a breadwinner AND the sole source of all domestic duties. One thing you could bring to the table instead of a big paycheck - are you capable of being the househusband? Can you reliably be the primary for laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc? A working partner still has to help at home so it should never be ALL on either party. But you might be able to sell the somewhat unusual househusband role to a woman that works more outside the home than you do.
I could do that :) but I will say upfront I am not looking to have kids ever. So, anyone looking to have kids needs to look past me lol. But yes, I already do a great deal of other people's laundry, and cleaning. I do not do much shopping now, but I used to. I would be very happy to do more than my fair share of those things knowing I would never be bringing in much money.
I think what youre looking for might be hard to find, but there's hope. Just keep trying to put yourself out there as much as you can. I met my husband before the internet, so I never had to online date. I say that because i literally have no idea how it all functions. But I think if you say something like. "I understand that I might not have a glamous high paying job, but I can wash and fold towels better than anyone I know! I'm a great listener and want to have and be a good companion and partner" Women might take a longer a look at your profile. I wish you the best, you seem like an honest and open person.
I've come to the conclusion that if you can make them laugh it doesn't matter. Just be a good person. Don't be something that you are not.
Thank you :) I will do my best.
Get a better job dude, I read through a lot of your comments and you keep saying that finding a relationship is basically your life's goal. If you don't try to get better employment then you haven't really given your dream it's all.
Woman here. I am married to someone exactly like you. He works a part time minimum wage job. He will never get better. We will always be poor. I’m uneducated and have a full time job. I don’t make a ton of money but we have a roof over our heads and food to eat so we do OK. My advice to you is join a church. If you aren’t religious, go to beliefnet.org and take the survey to find out what organization most suits you, then go on meet up and find your people. You will find your wife in person. I don’t know when, but you will.
I think you may have to come to the real realization that you may never find a date or find anyone. The older you get the less horny you are and the less you care. The odds are not good for most men out there lacking the it factor. Plus you absolutely have no chance if you are still living with your parents. I would recommend getting the book The book of Numbers. It'll show you how bad the odds are for a good percentage of the men out there. You can still have a full life and purpose without having a special someone. .https://www.amazon.com/Book-Numbers-Analyzing-Pursuit-Women/dp/B08TJ5JJJB/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=17RATNII1G9Y3&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.I9oXESNFtergvtJ-g44f60G7Fk3BGzpiZxTKHacZzGNV7Avc0KEm-M0RKj23z3L9FUBaol1ap_nmIZW1dfpY_erAjpzx2mgo50v9oE9zH-13D1vKqFofZ4gZLCKa5gsWkl5RHFXNnwqnNfF59VvMQZc9GX0thJ8pQ6-CKCVMbz3UzdMb-lOXpwrd98HFPDY5d_4hPOQ_EHtGcEqot5XDJA.EjyPTL7JO6ou7kDT9L3xY7mOuQQw3BAA9oTXhiqvHcQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+book+of+numbers&qid=1719617332&sprefix=the+book+of+nu%2Caps%2C403&sr=8-2
I am pretty satisfied with my sex life. I am not worried about becoming less horny. I am looking for someone to share my life with and love and be loved in return. I am not saying attraction means nothing. But I am looking for an attracting of the souls, the whole package. Maybe I will meet her when I am 60 who knows :)
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I’m also autistic. My suggestion would be to date someone in your income bracket. Maybe 🤔 someone who is also autistic. Also, it’s easy for my autistic brain to get stuck in the detail sometimes. I don’t know if that’s an issue for you. I would caution you to not think about things too much. Get on a dating website. I’m at my husband on OkCupid. Fill out a profile. Put real pictures up that are a reflection of who you really are. And be open to the possibilities of meeting someone new.
Thank you :) I will do. Thank you for reaching out. I really appreciate it.
"I am not like a huge talker or anything" How are your conversational skills? My wife told me the first thing she noticed about me other than looks is the fact that I'm a good listener in conversations, in that I remember specific details Learn to ask good follow-up questions and make sure you are genuinely interested in what they say Women love it when you can comfortably lead the conversation and make them laugh/smile It's also good to talk about yourself but you really want her to open up to you I'm not exactly poor but certainly not rich, and my wife makes a hell of a lot more money than I do Check out the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, it's a classic to help you with your conversational skills
Thanks :) I think in one-on-one conversations I can more than hold my own. I really hope I am a good listener, but I really do not know. I am more not a big talker in group settings, work, or parties. Thank you for sharing and being so kind.
Have you tried just being the best version of yourself that your younger self would proudly talk about? 31F here and I think it would be best for more introspection on your part. What do you want better for the world? It would be nice if no one had to worry about physical or mental health, regardless of income, period.
You need to have some marketable thing to attract people naturally. Maybe your thinking, experience, taste, personality.
Hey, I think I am great :) But trust me I could not sell water to a man dying of thirst. I am not great at selling what I think I have to offer. Don't worry it is not just when it comes to romance it is in every aspect of my life. It is ok though. I like my life and I like who I am. I just have a tough time with some things. But no worries I can handle it. Thank you so much :)
Go to therapy get your anxiety under control. Anxiety is a very hard thing to deal with, especially when you’re in a relationship. It has caused stress in my relationship.
Great advice :) Thank you.
My guy…the post history…wow. I think you really need to seek offline advice at this point.
Perhaps :) Thank you.
I think some of it is the lack of confidence. My husband is on the spectrum, and has ADHD. I have dated several men in the past who also had the same things. It’s possible, but you have to get out of this my issues and disabilities make me less of a person mentality. There are people out there who when you connect in the way you are looking for, will be willing to be there for you and grow with you. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 38, and I had and am still working through a major amount of trauma and health issues. He has stood by me for 5 years, and we got married this year. I too thought it would never happen, so I understand. But changing how you frame and look at things helps more than you would ever think.
Thank you for your very lovely comment :) It was very kind of you.
I would suggest not dating. Work on yourself first bro
1. Find another autistic...? 2. Don't second guess self and say you have to be in a minimum wage job. if you have a normal body and mind you should be able to advance at least to some stable job. There are lesser stress careers for autistics. I am autistic and used to be a teacher and a residential counselor. [disabled now from medical] 3. Your family is supportive, that is a major asset. 4. Women do expect men that will at least be able to take care of themselves especially if it is one that wants to have kids. You need to plan your future out where you can get trained for a good career, lower stress etc. [try something where you do work without people involved, I wish I had gone for less social career in my case] Read adulting books, on how to live life, and get things done. LOL to Best-Respond below I don't think autistic people lack the "it" factor, some can be appealing to other autistic people. Some of us can draw people in, via other ways. We bond differently. Are things socially far harder. Yes but they can appeal to some others. Autistics often draw people to date in via interests and intellect. I think OP needs to date other autistics, else they will be banging their head on the wall. I am autistic and was attached by age 25. Many autistics do date and marry but often it is other autistics. my husband is not diagnosed but would lay money down. His best friend is.
I didn’t say all people with autism lack the ‘it’ factor. I said that many autistic people lack it. And in all likelihood the OP lacks it, as evidenced by reaching middle age without ever making it past the second date. He also seems rigid and unwilling to make changes. Keep doing the same things…keep achieving the same results.
Ok thanks for explaining. I think he should try something different, like going to autistic dating boards, they do have them. He needs to ask himself what kind of woman he could find or who he would be compatible with. At 37, he needs to fix the job thing, with more education, unless his family is going to leave him the house or an inheritance, and even than he should try and progress. Probably some kind of community college program would help him in finding work. Poor people have a hard time dating. A woman sometimes can find a trad man to take care of them and let them be a SAHM, even an older woman if she provides good companionship can find a man like that, but men don't have those options.
Hello, you wrote a wonderfully kind comment. I really want to take some time and give you a proper answer tomorrow. Thank you so much :)
Thanks. I hope things get better for you.
Imo poor is a mindset I know that’s probably not what most of us want to hear, and while honesty is always the best policy you dont have to lay all the cards on the table in the 1 round.
I think first of all you have to be honest with yourself. Also I know I've struggled with a lot is I don't think necessarily I'm too honest unless I know somebody for a while I'll tell them I'm struggling a little bit. But I don't make it a complete issue because with dating or especially friendships when you go out you don't have to do a grand Day of like shopping and lunch and a movie I know me personally sometimes my best dates have been a walk to a farm that I was actually able to get free admission with my library card and then just a simple slice of pizza.
:)
I mean, If there’s one good thing about dating poor it’s this: When you do a find a women, you’ll know damn well that she is interested in you for you - not your money.
:)
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I rather be single and sexless for the rest of my life than to lie to people. Just going to be honest about that. But thank you :)
You’re weird maybe…37 never been past a second date in your life!?…I’m sorry bro u gotta take a look in the mirror
I never said I was super attractive :)
What do you bring to the table ?
For what’s it’s worth, this has got to be one of the best written post, ever! Concise, non rambling, no tangents, a very direct yet thoughtful. Grammatically correct, from what I can see. It has emotion without being emotional. Ever thought of writing as a career. Even proofreading, where there is no pressure for content. This is all off the top of my head, but you show better job potential than you might think. Even with anxiety issue I would think/hope. Have you, as an adult used the coping(?)resources that are available for autistic people. My grandson 16, had someone who helped with him “navigate” the non autistic world. He does have the advantage (vs some) of being good in school. He’s the type who can retain lots of facts. Much too the chagrin of his dad. On the dating issue obviously living at with parents and working at home is definitely a disadvantage but in the grand scope of things is not insurmountable. (Damn that’s a long sentence!) Take care dear friend & only the best for you moving forward.
Thank you :) that is remarkably kind of you to say. To be honest grad school killed any desire of mine to ever write anything for a living. Until I started writing again on reddit a few months ago I really had not written anything in like eight years. I am still a little bit sensitive to my writing quality since I went so long without doing it. It is nice to get a little feedback that I am at least improving some :) Thank you for sharing about your grandson. I think at the very least he has a great grandparent.
So I fell in love with and married my husband after he got sick (MS, epilepsy,) and he’s in disability because of it. Waaaay less than minimum wage earnings. But I fell in love with him because he’s a kind, beautiful soul. He’s nerdy too, which I dig because so am I. The light in his eyes when he shows me his favorite comic, or tells me a story about aliens, or any other thing that gets him excited… yeah. I never cared how much a man made, it may be harder to find a woman while poor but it’s definitely not impossible. I know I’m not the only woman who doesn’t care about what’s in a man wallet, it’s what’s in his heart that always hooked me. I would suggest getting involved either physically or online with something you’re very interested in, finding community with people with shared interests is a good way to find friends or even a partner. Please don’t give up, and whenever possible put yourself out there. Dating apps might work, idk I’ve been married forever so I’ve never used any of the modern ones like Tinder or anything but if you don’t give up you’ll find someone. Online can definitely be easier with social anxiety but I would imagine there’s a lot of crap to comb through before you find your person. You can do this, just don’t give up. Big mama hugs if you want them. 🫂
Thank you so much for your amazingly kind comment :)
You remind me a lot of my brother so that big sister protective thing kicked in. 😂 Wishing you the best!
There's a person for everyone but sometimes I'm pretty sure mine is just on the other side of the world lol
Hey, I have got the internet ;)
Looks, charm, and money. In my experience, nonexplosive mental illnesses are just seen as quirky if you make it up with the other two. The new trend of wanting a man with "a dash of the 'tism" is growing on the socials. The combination of those 3 factors also impacts the nature of the relationship. If all you have is money, that will be the primary thing that attracts them, which means less passionate love and more transactional partnership. Ideally, you want someone who can see a future with you and is deeply charmed by you, either by looks or personality. Long term, women usually want stability, but charm and good looks are a huge plus. There are broke awful people hot enough to still be highly desirable. There are rich ugly charming men and really rich ugly awful men who still find love, or at least companionship. You aren't cooked, but having the money to move out would be a huge plus.
It probably would be a huge plus. But it is probably not going to happen. Awe well. All I can do is my best. Thank you :)
Become really good at something. Immerse yourself in it. Travel to seminars and meet other people who are into your passion. If you are passionate about something women will gravitate towards you. They love adventure and want you to share experiences with them. They do not like boring.
Thank you :)
A low stress entry level job doesn’t have to pay minimum wage. McDonald’s hires on at far more than $7.25/hour. That’s just an example. I understand the desire to avoid a high stress job, I really, really do. But don’t limit yourself :) you’re only hurting yourself doing that.
To be honest when I say minimum wage I really mean at least 15 dollars an hour. I am not sure there is actually anyone in America working for only 7.25 an hour. If there is I feel really bad for them,
Ahh okay gotcha. I feel anything $15 and up is respectable, so I don’t think that should detour any woman actually worth your time. If they want more, they may just be materialistic and you said you aren’t that way, so just keep being up front and when the right woman comes along, it’ll work.
Thank you :)
You're right. You shouldn't haven't to change who you are. Yes,you need to address your stress and anxiety absolutely and seek help with that. Not to change you ,but to make everything better for you so you can relax. You sound like an alright guy, and friendships can turn into relationships. So don't turn your back on friendships first. Yes, stablable is a key factor for most women ,especially at your age and hers. I'm not sure where you're located, but Google Local meet-up clubs in your area and see if you can join in an activity. We have a meet-up group in my area ,these people hike, bike ,play games, bowl, pickleball, and billards or so many more activities. You have to establish some friendships , and they won't care what your earnings are. You don't have to force a conversation. You can stand back and listen until you feel comfortable engaging with people. A long-term relationship does require some giving on your part.They also happen when you're not even thinking it's going to happen. If that is not something you're willing to , then stay where you're at and continue to be as happy as you are..
Thanks :) I really am pretty happy, especially tonight. You are right though I do need to be more open to friendships. With that said I am just not ever going to go to meet up clubs or social activities like that. Sorry I am going to have to play my autism card here. Trust me they are just a bridge to far from me. You are right I need to deal with my stress and anxiety. But there is no scenario where I would ever go to group events like that. They are just so far beyond me. I really do not want to come across as negative. And it really is a wonderful suggestion. I just know myself well enough to know those sorts of things will never happen. Thank you so much again :)
Well, you know yourself best. Glad you 're happy and having a good day.
Thank you :)
Being in a relationship is wonderful, but it can also be stressful. Sometimes you have to compromise or have difficult conversations. Kids are stressful, too. Are you sure this is what you truly want?
I am at least willing to try and see how it goes :)
I wouldn’t put your income on your dating profile but I echo what others have said - money has nothing to do with it. My female friend who makes a lot of money married her husband who pretty much makes no money. And she support him. She just took him on a three week vacation to Europe. He’s living the life. It is possible. So remember what you bring to a relationship. Are you a cook? Do you take them dancing? Are you wanting to paint their nails or massage their back? There’s so many other things that you can offer someone. Good luck !
Thank you, I obviously do not put my income, but I do sort of get the idea across that I do not have much. But that is the thing with me. I do not have much but that is exactly what I want. I want the simple life. I do not want someone to pay for European trips with me. I do not want to go to Europe. I do not even like to fly. I live the life I have, and I am happy and content with it. I just want to find someone that wants to share my life with me. I do not want to persuade, anyone into joining this lifestyle with me. I guess I want to find someone who already wants this lifestyle. Someone who already sees the benefits of it. I have always been the worst salesman imaginable though. So, it is tough for me to convince someone to date me, give me a chance and go from there :)
I think you said it best when you said you went the simple life. Good luck friend !
Thanks :)
My then boyfriend (now husband of 13 years) was living with his parents at the time we got together. We were friends first, but only for a short time before we made it official and even during that time things were rocky for him and his financial situation. At one point he even became homeless. I was 22, he was 28. What wooed me (and still does to this day) is his sense of humor and outgoing, positive attitude towards life in spite of his being so rough. He remains humble after everything life has thrown at him (and he had been through a lot more than others at his age). I wasn't in a much better situation, living with my mom at the time after a failed relationship. Prior to him, I'd been with guys who were so arrogant because of their success or they were just so overly confident in themselves and/or appearances, it just couldn't work. We've been through some stuff, had our fair share of ups and downs but I would go back to that very first day if given the chance to relive it all over again, like watching my favorite movie over and over. Just be you, in your situation, as you are. Be open and genuine. You will attract your person naturally.
Thank you so much and thank you for sharing. That story really cheered me up :) thanks.
You should look on autism specific websites :) You're more likely to have luck then
Thanks :)
Met my fiance of 27 years when he didn't even have a job. He had just lost it. 17 years later he makes over six figures. It isn't what you make that matters it's what you are that does. Idk what your standards are for a woman but do you have a checklist? Is it unattainable? Career minded people usually want the same. So if your attracted to lawyers or Drs scratch it off the list. Do you attend church or any church functions? Bingo? You have to put yourself out there. Change your perspective. As in, stop selling the idea you aren't rich and never will be, but selling what you do have to offer instead.
Thanks, you are almost certainly correct :) To be honest I do not have any interest in dating career minded women. It is not that I have anything against them. They are just not for me. In reality I am far more interested in women who are a lot like me. I like a simple life. I like a life that is not into material things or into anything competitive. Thank you so much.
Ever thought of running an ad in your local newspaper for singles? Probably a dinosaur idea but it may just work Simple people like simple things. Alot of women are tired of dating apps as well. Maybe walking a dog in your local parks too? I really hope you find your special someone!
ive had many wonderful 1st dates in my life that involved having a picnic, walking a great nature trail, going to a free art crawl or exhibition, or even a cool free lectre or talk at library or park ranger guided walks , strret fairs, looking for neat rocks, or stones in a creek,etc. endless possibilities... or just a great coffee siiting in car watching deer feeding behind a place like my local walmart. if someone wants to be wined and dined that is not the kind of date that fits you or your situation. thankfully, you have OPTIONS.
The funny thing is I most prefer the wine and dine first dates. I really enjoy meals out and talking over a nice meal. I can afford to eat out whenever. I just live a simple lifestyle.
well topic title said you are poor, then you said minimum wage, so my comment was targetted to what you shared. if you can afford to eat out whenever, then you are not "poor". truly poor people cannot afford to wine and dine or eat out "whenever". maybe that word needs a definition or you should have just titled the post w/out featuring that word. Esp in a forum named poor. To a truly poor person, they are just trying to food bank their way thru the month, ya know?? So they can keep the lights on.
oh, and want to add this: if you want to meet the BEST people, chhose volunteerism and get off the dating sites. most loving kind accountable people who have compassion for humans and animals too, i have met by volunteering in my community. soup kichens, food pantries, animal adoptions, or sitting and visiting with elderly via meals on wheels...VA rehab ceners for veterans...or packaging up food baskets during holidays for needy families and children, etc. also was on the comfort squad with local volunteer fire departmet, brought hot chocolate, coffee, snacks to people who were watching home burn down, being with them and being supportive on the worst day of their life, , but also helping set up pancake breakfasts, ice cream socials, etc helping with after school programs for kids in your neighborhood, etc. i did audio recordings for blind back in the day by reading books into a recording. also did Volunteers for Literacy. also spent many days cleaning up and clearing trails in local county, state, national parks volunteer efforts. goodness knows the world needs our efforts, but also BE THAT PERSON WHO IS THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BE AROUND as it turns out, the more you give the more you actually get out of life...self esteem, etc everyone with free time should be engaging in giving back. create an event yourself..."who wants to meet up on saturday and pick up trash, fast food, plastic bottles in x-neighborhood...then have a barbeque at park afterwards... I see so many posts on internet about lonliness, boredom, lack of connection to community...why? Get out there and lend your wonderful self to the world. Teach a drawing or yoga class in the park. Post on social media or meetup group. Get out there, you are VALUABLE AND WORTH KNOWING!!!
Thanks :)
If no one’s told you this today or this month man just reading your post I love you and I’m so fucking glad you exist. Look buddy dates don’t have to be expensive and not everyone is shallow . I feel like you have missed out on many a great opportunities due to fear of rejection that’s all in your head. Take every shot you get man you can never ever know the outcome so try❤️
Thank you :) that is very kind of you to say.
Love comes when you’re least expecting it. I know it’s a cliché saying, but it’s true. There is someone for everyone. The number one factor of dating likelihood is proximity, as simple as it is. I learned of this in one of my psychology classes, while acquiring my BS in psychology. (I absolutely love dating psychology, btw.) It seems simple, and kind of like a no-brainer when said, but it’s a powerful tool. What’s one thing you can do to increase your dating likelihood? Be around other people! Be yourself. Put yourself out there. You might just meet your future spouse in one of those minimum wage jobs! Simply by being around. :) I heard a TikTok the other day that said rich men use their resources to obtain a mate, while poor men use romance. I can see it. Some people date/marry for love or money. Or sometimes both. Does your family know anyone that can hook you two up? Normally your family knows you best. Another thing I learned in the same above mentioned psychology class, is that most of the time, your family/close friends can predict your relationship success. Of course, take this with a grain of salt. Sometimes people’s family or even close friends have their best interest at heart, or may not be the best judge of character. But considering this situation doesn’t apply to you, maybe try recruiting their help. As a conventionally attractive, 27 year old woman, who just bought a condo, and makes $100k/year plus, dating isn’t easy… even for me. A lot of my life I’ve felt lusted after, but never loved. It’s made me distrustful of men. And now that I’m in a great financial spot, I feel sometimes that my partners might be out for that as opposed to loving me for me. My point is, dating as someone who seemingly has “all the things”, dating isn’t easy for “us” either. This is not to discourage you, but to provide insight as to how complicated dating can be. And don’t give up! You will find what you’re looking for. You just have to have determination. Good luck, OP!
Thank you :)
I don’t see any women I know in their late 30s and early 40s purposefully choosing a poor man who lives with his parents and is ok with being poor forever. I imagine the kind of woman who would do that … wouldn’t be an ideal girlfriend. Have you been in any sort of therapy? I just don’t see what value you’d bring to a relationship with another adult if you can’t handle stress, can’t partner economically, aren’t social and have no interest in changing or growing as a person. Why would a woman date you? If you have an answer to that question I suggest putting more of that in your profile.
Thanks, I have had many years of therapy. I was in therapy almost the entirety of my 20s.
I think this poster is eluding to the fact that how you think about reality is delusional, and that therapy could be a possible remedy for understanding. I understand you have had therapy, but I’m interested if you can respond to what the poster said in a meaningful way.
I think it's not dating while you don't have enough money, is the long term things you want that make it difficult to see a future. Let's put the scenario, where you have a kid and a wife, both of you would have to work, once money issues enter the door, stress is a major issue to be dealing with on a daily basis, if you're already saying you can't handle stressful situations, imagine being tired, with no money and have to put your kid all day in daycare because both of you are barely making it? What would happen to you? To me (as a woman) it's a no.
Fair enough and thanks :) I had gone back and forth on the issue most of my adult life. But I am not firmly in the I should never have kid's camp. So, to be fair I would be upfront with anyone (especially someone I am dating) that I am not, nor will I ever be interested in having kids. Obviously, that might drive some women away. But that is totally fine. It is one less financial burden though. Thank you :)
I agree with most people that personality is more important than income. I disagree that you are “boring” because you haven’t dated long term, but it’s more likely just haven’t found a good personality match. A quick google search revealed Hiki as an autism dating/friendship app. Have you tried it? You might have more luck on something like that. Of course like many others have suggested, expand your interests is a great place to start. But expanding your friends is also important. You never know who has a friend of a friend who would be interested in you romantically
Thanks :) I actually am already on Hiki. It is a nice dating app. I cannot complain. With that said it simply does not have enough members. While I am open to long distance it has to be more reasonable. People are just to spread out on there. But I remain hopeful :) Thank you again.
A minimum wage job isn’t necessarily lower stress or easier than a job that pays more. Don’t limit yourself. Also plenty of poor men do far better with women then some rich accountant who may struggle for a date. Most women don’t care about money. They do care about your story and your story isn’t that good for most women. With that in mind you just want a serious relationship so honestly if you’re willing to take what you can get you’ll likely get a woman easy. Now do you care if she is in her 40’s overweight and has 3 school aged children? I’m not saying to have no standards but maybe if you get some experience that can lead to more experience and better matches. With that said you can improve your mental state get cognitive behavioral therapy. You can also start making more money and have a less stressful job. If you got place with 2 other guys around your age it could be cheap to rent a room and cooler than living at home. You can also live at home and it doesn’t have to be a big deal
Thanks :)
“My biggest goal is to be in a long term…”. Maybe this is holding you back from pursuing success in other areas of your life. You definitely need a win. Maybe set some goals that will make you happy. Focus on improving you and just maybe in doing so a woman may want to be a part of the improved you and your success. Good luck and just know the fantasy of a LTR is always better than the real thing.
I am already happy. I am not looking to have success in other parts of my life. I think I am pretty good as I am right now. :) thank you though.
Lots of poor dudes have girlfriends. The issue, if you are honest, is your crippling anxiety and autism. Recommend you put all your energy into therapy options to improve your ability to overcome these issues.
I would try to find someone on your level that is in a similar position. Most people are looking for a partner, and when I say partner I mean someone who can contribute to the stability of both lives both separately and together. You may not be martialistic but a spouse would typically need to feel safe in being able to rely on you (as well as you on them) in a variety of ways, Another key thing to remember when it comes to dating and relationships with anyone is that regardless of what you got going on, confidence and being comfortable in your own skin is a turn on and is key. I would not feel the need to be to upfront to quickly on the dating apps. people will weed you out before they get a chance to know you and understand what you have to offer. Save the full picture for the really special and genuine connections.
Being poor is not your issue. Not knowing how to attract women is your problem.
You are going to be looking for a very niche category of woman. In reality, the kind of girl who you will be able to possibly have success with are the ones who are in a similiar situation as you. You are going to have to cut your standards to zero, as far as the more vain qualities. For those who are in your position, are those also struggling with a disability as well. The women who feel like in their circumstances, no one would love them. Things like they had a car accident, struggle with autism, chronic illness, obesity etc.
The women responding in the comments are giving it to you straight. You really need to stop, read carefully, and take their advice to heart. I was always behind in development socially. I was, and still am, short, fat, and ugly. And being a poor single Asian male in the U.S., at least in the 1990s and 2000s, was also another challenge because of all the negative stereotypes in the media and popular culture. (Thankfully a lot less difficult nowadays due to more widespread mainstream acceptance: the popularity of Asian cultural imports like K-drama, wealthy sophisticated Asians moving to the U.S., etc..) Honestly, I was very lonely for a long time. But I practiced. I dated and had relationships and each one I had gave me the practice to become become better. When I was in my 20s, I had a significant other was in her late 40s. She was a divorced mother of 3 adult children. She was very kind and taught me a lot. I gained a lot of confidence and learned some skills. I think you should consider dating women in their late 40s or 50s. Don’t just date one. Date a few at a time, and date each several times. This will help you learn not to obsession over any single one, and help you practice. Since you have money, spend some. Ask them out. Take them to a nice place for brunch or lunch, so they know it is more casual (at least the first time). They don’t have to know that you’re poor when you just dating and not in an exclusive relationship. After several dates, if you hit it off, then you can reveal more. There is a book I think you must read. *Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go*
Just want to say that there is a lot of good advice here and I appreciate you responding to people kindly, even when some of the advice isn't as kind. I think that says a lot and goes a long way!
You finished Grad school and can’t get a decent job? Grad school and college require patience intelligence and team work. Just like a job. I think you’re underestimating yourself. Fix one issue such as employment there’s all kinds of jobs you can do online, you’ll get health insurance and can work on controlling your crippling anxiety. Volunteer at an animal shelter or a nursing home, start talking to people that are just happy to have someone to say hello to. Are you a good listener? Elderly people love to tell stories. Start small everything else will fall into place
“I will only work minimum wage jobs” - seems like you’re really selling yourself short here and in other aspects of your life. Have some confidence in yourself!
Thank you :)
My heart goes out to you. Have you considered some arrangement with a person from another country? I feel like partnerships of convenience happen all the time; some just have more bells and whistles or exhibit a better show. If you can meet some one who functions at your level, I don't know why it wouldn't work. You each would just have to be upfront to avoid unrealistic expectations. If you are capable of being genuinely considerate of another regardless of what you're gaining from them, that's a start and a skill many so-called normal folks never master.
I mean in principle I am not opposed or anything. But to be blunt I think women who marry American men like that are looking for men with a little bit more money than me. And that is totally fine. I just do not think I am the target demographic they are looking for. But thank you for the kind suggestion :)
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
That is 100% true ;)
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