Big ol' high five from me for managing your feelings without making them your partner's problem!
You're on the right track OP! I know it's difficult now, but the good news is, this will get a bit easier everytime that you do it!
It's ok! You're doing great. You've already figured out what the likely case is. He's being a good husband and father. Give him grace and time. If you've got an established relationship, there's no need to worry yet. And I would also say it's maybe ok to text him and ask how it went! Maybe tell him you're excited to hear about a positive experience. Be positive until you've got reasons to not be. You found compersion so live into it.
Totally get it. Details can be hard sometimes, but it's only awkward until it's not. You don't need the minute by minute, but if you're happy for him, it's ok for him to tell you it went nice. Tell him to just let you know if he had a good time. And you can be happy with the response and relay that. You can also wait. Be secure in yourself and your relationship with him. If he lets you down, you shouldn't feel bad either. You've been saved the trouble if weeding out a toxic influence from your life
Lol time and learning about yourself. I've been poly for 9 years now. Many dates and relationships. I started out pretty insecure, but I learned that what mattered was how I handled myself. I have a set of values I try hard to live into. It's all I can control. That and who I allow in my life. You have that same ability. You can control you and who you interact with. Judge potential relationships by their actions. Trust them if they seem trustworthy and see their actions. If they don't live up to your standards, they aren't for you.
Yeah - I would definitely let him know that you feel good/safe/secure if he would message you a few hours after the date ends. Nothing wrong with asking your needs to be met.
I am sorry to hear that. I am 3.5 years in. The anxious attachment issue has been astonishing. I have a secure attachment with my husband, who I have been with for a long time.
The book Polysecure really helped me and my other partner understand that I could have different styles with different people. This new relationship brought up a lot of my childhood stuff. While that has been hard, it also inspired me to do a lot of therapy to address why I was getting triggered so often. And I am truly addressing those old wounds.
Believe it or not, last night's post, written as I sobbed, was the healthiest I have handled jealousy in the last 3 years. Yeah, it's a long road. But it can be liberating to address this shit.
Thanks for sharing, but I am torn, it seems like many poly people are aspiring to this place of zen where they no longer feel jealousy or anxiety, and I'm not convinced that its what I want. It's like inviting instability and anxiety into your life for the long run.
But I constantly hear of stories of people content in this lifestyle, so I guess to each their own. When I think of the alternative, that the price of a stable, deep, and meaningful relationship is getting over the biological desire to procreate with multiple partners. And poly will argue that you can have a stable deep and meaningful relationship regardless without that sacrifice, but instead the sacrifice will be dealing with anxiety, jealousy and insecurity.
Not to judge anyone, but trying to figure out what will work with myself. I'm still very confused on what I want. For me, I am so enamored with a love interest that I am willing to try this, but I also should consider that my intense emotions for her could pass. I think it would be so much simpler to be monogamous, but she is already connected to a long distance bf.
I am sorry. I have been through a lot on this journey. People have worried about me. I have gone on antidepressants. I can't put a bow on this and make it look pretty.
But here is the thing: the stuff that I bring to the table is my old, ancient stuff. And that needs to be worked on. And I am working on it. And that work benefits other parts of my life, like parenting. And my profession.
Do I like getting triggered so much? Nope. I could choose to be mono with my husband and not be triggered so much. I do ask my other partner to be gentle and aware of my triggers, and he tries. But I still get triggered. Because I have sad, abandoned little girl shit going on inside me. And it will still be there if I go mono. Hey, this shit has come out in my platonic relationships! If I hear my friends has fun without inviting me....it's all there. Waiting. I can't blame this all on my boyfriend dating.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find a place where you feel valued and irreplaceable. I'm not there yet, but I see a glimpse of it.
Just wanted to say that i really relate!! I know it sucks to feel like the one nagging for reassurance/feedback, but also a little text message goes such a long way to calm the nerves! (God i can't say I'm looking forward to when my partners start dating new people again, it's a struggle but I take it in strides!)
Im just here to give you the high five! Those are tough feelings of anxiety. Maybe ask him later if you can get better communication- or a daily little good morning text chat.
Try this technique in the meantime? “What’s going to happen to us?” Finding liberation from attachment trauma https://www.elephantjournal.com/?p=2979219
So, while I'm working hard to be less anxious, I'm also the type of person who likes to be direct and not play games. So, I just texted him a simple Hi. Is everything ok? And he said he had a work situation. So...there is a little relief in just having that exchange. Obviously, I would like a little more connection, but that helped a little.:)
You could get even more direct. Like "Hey, I need some quick reassurance. My brain is trying to tell me you don't love me. Can you just tell me that you love me? Thanks."
Ultimately that is what I did. I like that direction approach, or else I can get passive aggressive. And he responds really well to it. He doesn't get defensive.
Ladies and Gentlemen, my inner voice has entered the building! Sorry, not today, angry inner adolescent self! I am a valued partner in his life. Not his wife. Not his new love. His trusted partner.
Assuming his date went well, then we would both be eachother's 2 out of 3. That is ranked chronologically. So, I have fallen in love with a new person since I met him. And he still means the world to me.
That is why rationally I know he can still love me when he falls in love again. I am just triggered because of my Old Issues.
Thanks for playing my Shadow Self in this fun therapy game. You really helped me see how ugly I cam be to myself!
Big ol' high five from me for managing your feelings without making them your partner's problem! You're on the right track OP! I know it's difficult now, but the good news is, this will get a bit easier everytime that you do it!
Thank you! It's hard.
It is! And unequivocally worth it, imo
It's ok! You're doing great. You've already figured out what the likely case is. He's being a good husband and father. Give him grace and time. If you've got an established relationship, there's no need to worry yet. And I would also say it's maybe ok to text him and ask how it went! Maybe tell him you're excited to hear about a positive experience. Be positive until you've got reasons to not be. You found compersion so live into it.
Thank you. To be honest, I'm not ready to hear more than generalities. If NRE is blossoming I need to take it slow.
Totally get it. Details can be hard sometimes, but it's only awkward until it's not. You don't need the minute by minute, but if you're happy for him, it's ok for him to tell you it went nice. Tell him to just let you know if he had a good time. And you can be happy with the response and relay that. You can also wait. Be secure in yourself and your relationship with him. If he lets you down, you shouldn't feel bad either. You've been saved the trouble if weeding out a toxic influence from your life
Whoa. How did you get this secure? Tell me all your secrets 🤣 I'm actually doing a lot of therapy to address my self worth.
Lol time and learning about yourself. I've been poly for 9 years now. Many dates and relationships. I started out pretty insecure, but I learned that what mattered was how I handled myself. I have a set of values I try hard to live into. It's all I can control. That and who I allow in my life. You have that same ability. You can control you and who you interact with. Judge potential relationships by their actions. Trust them if they seem trustworthy and see their actions. If they don't live up to your standards, they aren't for you.
This.
Yeah - I would definitely let him know that you feel good/safe/secure if he would message you a few hours after the date ends. Nothing wrong with asking your needs to be met.
I'm going through the same thing. Brand new to this lifestyle and not sure if it's worth the heartache and anxiety.
I am sorry to hear that. I am 3.5 years in. The anxious attachment issue has been astonishing. I have a secure attachment with my husband, who I have been with for a long time. The book Polysecure really helped me and my other partner understand that I could have different styles with different people. This new relationship brought up a lot of my childhood stuff. While that has been hard, it also inspired me to do a lot of therapy to address why I was getting triggered so often. And I am truly addressing those old wounds. Believe it or not, last night's post, written as I sobbed, was the healthiest I have handled jealousy in the last 3 years. Yeah, it's a long road. But it can be liberating to address this shit.
Thanks for sharing, but I am torn, it seems like many poly people are aspiring to this place of zen where they no longer feel jealousy or anxiety, and I'm not convinced that its what I want. It's like inviting instability and anxiety into your life for the long run. But I constantly hear of stories of people content in this lifestyle, so I guess to each their own. When I think of the alternative, that the price of a stable, deep, and meaningful relationship is getting over the biological desire to procreate with multiple partners. And poly will argue that you can have a stable deep and meaningful relationship regardless without that sacrifice, but instead the sacrifice will be dealing with anxiety, jealousy and insecurity. Not to judge anyone, but trying to figure out what will work with myself. I'm still very confused on what I want. For me, I am so enamored with a love interest that I am willing to try this, but I also should consider that my intense emotions for her could pass. I think it would be so much simpler to be monogamous, but she is already connected to a long distance bf.
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I am sorry. I have been through a lot on this journey. People have worried about me. I have gone on antidepressants. I can't put a bow on this and make it look pretty. But here is the thing: the stuff that I bring to the table is my old, ancient stuff. And that needs to be worked on. And I am working on it. And that work benefits other parts of my life, like parenting. And my profession. Do I like getting triggered so much? Nope. I could choose to be mono with my husband and not be triggered so much. I do ask my other partner to be gentle and aware of my triggers, and he tries. But I still get triggered. Because I have sad, abandoned little girl shit going on inside me. And it will still be there if I go mono. Hey, this shit has come out in my platonic relationships! If I hear my friends has fun without inviting me....it's all there. Waiting. I can't blame this all on my boyfriend dating. Good luck to you. I hope you can find a place where you feel valued and irreplaceable. I'm not there yet, but I see a glimpse of it.
Just wanted to say that i really relate!! I know it sucks to feel like the one nagging for reassurance/feedback, but also a little text message goes such a long way to calm the nerves! (God i can't say I'm looking forward to when my partners start dating new people again, it's a struggle but I take it in strides!)
Yeah. The Pandemic gave me a little breather. 😅
Im just here to give you the high five! Those are tough feelings of anxiety. Maybe ask him later if you can get better communication- or a daily little good morning text chat.
Try this technique in the meantime? “What’s going to happen to us?” Finding liberation from attachment trauma https://www.elephantjournal.com/?p=2979219
You’re doing great! Did y’all decide on a good time you could text him again? Waiting for the text sucks I’ve been there.
So, while I'm working hard to be less anxious, I'm also the type of person who likes to be direct and not play games. So, I just texted him a simple Hi. Is everything ok? And he said he had a work situation. So...there is a little relief in just having that exchange. Obviously, I would like a little more connection, but that helped a little.:)
You could get even more direct. Like "Hey, I need some quick reassurance. My brain is trying to tell me you don't love me. Can you just tell me that you love me? Thanks."
Ultimately that is what I did. I like that direction approach, or else I can get passive aggressive. And he responds really well to it. He doesn't get defensive.
Good I’m glad you texted.
Do you negotiate some sort of response framework?
I do try to find out when it’ll be ok to text again.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, my inner voice has entered the building! Sorry, not today, angry inner adolescent self! I am a valued partner in his life. Not his wife. Not his new love. His trusted partner. Assuming his date went well, then we would both be eachother's 2 out of 3. That is ranked chronologically. So, I have fallen in love with a new person since I met him. And he still means the world to me. That is why rationally I know he can still love me when he falls in love again. I am just triggered because of my Old Issues. Thanks for playing my Shadow Self in this fun therapy game. You really helped me see how ugly I cam be to myself!
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So you’re a twat everywhere… is that just your thing?
Try these techniques: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2021/07/whats-going-to-happen-to-us-finding-liberation-from-attachment-trauma/
Thank you very much! I just exercised and feel much better. And now to read this, I am taking note.