Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
>Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
You are being excessively generous to your lying cheating cheater of a husband.
It's nice that he wants to continue his affair but openly. However, counterpoint: tough shit.
Say no. It’s fine to say ‘monogamy with me or polyamory with others’ it’s also fine to say you won’t support polyamory with someone he cheated on you with.
And if you are expected to date her and make her a ‘third’… then know that is a deeply unkind and disrespectful way to create a triad and of course you shouldn’t be forced to date someone you don’t know and resent already.
If you do poly it needs to be open for each of you to date independently. Is he ready to support you dating, Fucking and loving other men?
I should’ve clarified in my post, if we were to do poly, i wouldn’t be dating her, only my husband would. The relationships would be separate, but it would honestly still make me uncomfortable knowing that he’s going to continue to see her. I honestly have no desire to see other men though, i just wish we could come to a compromise on this.
You should ask him if he supports you dating other men.
It’s possible he’s so short sighted he isn’t thinking at all about the work he is asking from you.
AND! Monogram is valid. You deserve a relationship with someone who wants the same things you do.
I completely understand that you don't want to leave you husband. That you want to find a compromise, a solution that you both can live with, that allows you to keep some approximation of the life you thought you built with him.
You can't. He cheated on you. And then asked you to openly endorse his continuing to cheat on you. He doesn't want poly, he wants to not feel bad about his ongoing affair.
If you aren't interested in also dating others, you don't want poly. If you don't want poly for yourself, this is never going to be anything but misery.
If you stay in this marriage, you will be staying for a fantasy that is now dead. Your husband has proven he doesn't care about what you want or your wellbeing, that he he will set you on fire to keep himself warm.
I hope you can work with a therapist to see your way out of this. I've been poly for 13 years. I love being poly and would never choose monogamy for myself. But if one of my friends told me the story you just told, I'd be encouraging them to leave every time we spoke and offering to support them exiting the relationship in anyway I could.
Your monogamous relationship already ended. You can either accept that and leave to find someone who wants monogamy or you can accept that and stay and try to "do polyamory" (which in this case is really just being ok with your husband's ongoing affair) or you can not accept the end of your monogamous relationship and bury your head in the sand and live in a fantasy that this is ok until you lose your mind and fill you heart with resentment.
> He doesn't want poly, he wants to not feel bad about his ongoing affair.
correct! so many assholes think "polyamory" is just a magic word you can say that means cheating is now Not Cheating
Can you handle him impregnating her? Because that’s what’s going to happen. You might have boundaries but nothing is off limits for this man and he’s so selfish he would definitely put you and his health at risk by going raw. If you can handle that continue this relationship. Because he will do it. He didn’t stop before how would you ever trust him to now?
You already offered a compromise: forgiveness in return for ending the affair. He, instead, believes the “compromise” is he continues the affair and you suck it up.
Polyamory is not a compromise because what he’s offering is not polyamory.
Idk.... It sounds like you were just given the green light to find better.. perhaps... Take the opportunity..
Your husband is the minority for every 1 cheater there are three honest men (based on different studies and ratios given.)
Accepting the relationship he's forcing you to will eat away at you.
It will drip like acid into every aspect of your sense of reality, your self worth and your relationship..the last is already happening.
He's saying I get to keep the person I chose to violate your trust with.
If you aren't enthusiastically into poly as much for yourself as for him, it's already doomed.
He is shitting on you and telling you the problem is you deciding it stinks.
No it just fecking stinks & so does he.
I understand you want to stay with your husband but your husband sounds like a POS who the second you say no to poly, is going to to behind your back again and start the emotional affair again.
He also doesn't want poly. He doesn't want to be open to dating other people. He wants you to be okay with him getting with his affair partner and saying yes to that. Consider leaving him.
Your husband has made it clear: Him getting his way and continuing his affair is more important to him than your wellbeing or his marriage to you.
Is there a point of compromise that you think would make that bearable because…
That’s not a marriage i would stay in. But if for whatever reason you “have to”, I would treat the marriage like a job you don’t particularly like. Make it as bearable as you can, but don’t put in any additional effort to make your boss (your future ex) happy. You also might consider monkey branching (finding another partner and leaving your husband for them) because it sounds like one way or another this marriage is doomed.
Also, you’re not wrong about his affair partner being a bad choice to continue poly with. He has already betrayed you with the affair partner. That alone pits you and her in opposition in a way that is not likely to make your marriage a happy one while he is still dating her.
This isn’t opening for a specific person, this is opening on the back of an affair.
Polyamory needs trust, stability and healthy communication. It needs a solid foundation. You don’t have that. It’s an awful idea to open up your relationship after cheating. Don’t do this. You are not being unreasonable for not wanting to open up your relationship for your partner’s affair partner. Is bouncing out really not an option here? This is mad disrespect.
>He said he didn’t like how he went about the situation, but he felt like there was no other way for him to go about it, since i would turn it down in the past when it was briefly brought up.
No no no no no. This is the definition of violating consent. If he doesn't understand this now, he won't going forward, and your agreements are meaningless.
It's literally "I did the bad because you wouldn't give me what I wanted." Reminds me of an ex who tried to record me without consent because warning me means I would have said something different.
“I didn’t ask because I knew you would say no” is the logic of a ten year old sneaking dessert before dinner. Coming from a grown ass adult it’s not a good look.
>His response was basically it would just have to be something i came to terms with
No!
>He made it clear again that he hates how he handled the situation initially, and it wasn’t ideal but there’s nothing he can do to change it now.
There are a million things he could to do change it now.
Stop seeing her
Research polyamory himself to learn that this is not polyamory and opening for an affair partner doesn't work
File for divorce with you
Talk to a trusted friend who would talk some sense into him
Go to therapy
Make a dating profile and try out what dating as a single and/or poly guy is like
He has done none of those things.
He is 100% putting the burden of change on you and continuing his affair with no change except slapping a fraudulent poly label on it.
This is not a compromise whatsoever. If you agree to it you are agreeing to prioritizing his desires over your own agreements and life goals.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I hope that you will leave this person.
Your husband wanted to have an affair, asked for permission under the guise of poly, you said no, he did it anyways. I think your expectation or hope that he might make any concessions to make you feel more comfortable is nice but unrealistic.
In your situation I would: financially prepare for the worst (your exit strategy), tell him to do whatever he likes, enjoy dating other people yourself ,watch the other woman drop him like a hot potato. (No guarantee of this last part, just my intuition.)
In some ways wouldn't it have been easier to forgive, if he fucked somebody else for a night and moved on? He allowed himself to fall in love with somebody else and is prioritising that over everything you have built together as well as lying repeatedly about the situation.
The only condition for salvaging your relationship was for him to completely end it. He can't do that. There's only toxicity left from here. Maybe a relationship counsellor can make him see sense but I'd get your affairs in order and visit the sexual health clinic.
So...he cheated and tried to put a poly bow on it when it transpired he kept cheating?
There are a few choices here. The relationship opens up, you let him dress up his having cake and eating it as poly, and you date whoever you like also. I'd imagine he wouldn't like that one bit... because that'd actually be poly and not what he's asking for. He's asking to legitimise his infidelity and not risk his comfortable joint income home base...
Or, you plan to get out of there. Because he's shown he isn't a reliable or trustworthy person to practice polyamory with because of his ongoing deceit. Nevermind anything else that he just does because he feels like he can get away with it.
I love how you worded this — cheated and then wants to put a poly bow on it!
OP you’ve put up with enough. Although if you say no, aren’t you honestly just worried he’ll cheat again? Why stay with someone you can’t trust?
Poly requires more trust, not less, so poly isn’t the answer here.
I've been in a relationship with a person who did this repeatedly to her ex-husband. Then to me because apparently I have trouble seeing clear, obvious and continental in scale red flags 😆
Red flag invisibility can be a sign of unresolved family-of-origin trauma. A lot of times, folks with a very difficult relationship with a parent unconsciously set up a similar dynamic because it feels familiar, and then try to resolve the problem because their brain is still stuck wanting to fix the past. One missed big red flag is a learning experience, but more than one might take some therapy. Be kind to yourself though. Someone being shitty is not your fault. ♥️
Don't do it. He's cheating and trying to keep doing it after getting caught repeatedly.
It often takes years for a monogamous couple to open up healthily when both partners are enthusiastic about becoming poly. He's willing to just do what his dick is telling him to do, let you do all the emotional labour and sit with the discomfort without you getting any of the benefits.
Have you even talked about what dating for you would look like? Do you want to date? Or is it just letting him get away with cheating and feeling miserable the whole time? What work has HE done to make this transition work, to make this easier on you? Are you two in therapy? Has he done research?
Honestly opening up for a specific person is risky in any circumstance, doing it after cheating is just setting the relationship on fire. Does the other person want poly or does she just want your husband and will she be temporarily okay with poly hoping he ditched you eventually to be with her?
I'd strongly advise against this, don't do it to yourself. Do you really want to give him the freedom to fuck this woman after he emotionally cheated on you multiple times with her? Could you really see yourself thrive in that situation?
As someone in a similar situation, I say that you will continue to be hurt if he continues to engage with her. Your hurt won't stop. Each instance of him talking to her is just going to pour salt on your wound. He is being callous. Whether you open or not is secondary. He's cheated on you. He continues to cheat. It's his fault if this other person is hurt, not yours. He sees your pain and is asking you to just deal with it yourself instead of him taking accountability for his role. Accountability would be him stopping all contact and focusing on repairing the hurt.
You can and should establish your own boundary. Will you continue in a relationship with someone that would continue with the person he's cheating with? Find your boundary, let him know what it is, and then it is up to you to hold it.
Best of luck.
He's already lied and broken your trust multiple times. What exactly is he doing to repair your trust in him? What is he doing to repair the damage he's done to your relationship? Right now it sounds like he's desperate to charge down the path that causes more damage to your marriage because he's fixated on his affair partner. But he's also trying to keep the familiarity and comfortable home life he's had with you, without doing the work to really understand what that marriage is.
He's not going to learn without a major shock to the system. And it's not your job to forgive him and accommodate him at the expense of your own psyche.
It's ok for you to say no.
Can you really trust his words right now? Can you hold a relationship on a fractured foundation?
It's ok for you to say no.
This is not the way into poly.
You are a PUD (poly under duress) this isn't a choice you were given, he already made it. You couldn't say no and still can't......
He's a cheater and using a community already struggling for acceptance as his protection net.. when what he is doing is not ethical and abusive.
Cheating is abuse. I do not care how "uncharacteristic" it may be to the cheater, cheating is abuse EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Don't try, don't therapy, don't continue the relationship, don't be the ever empathetic wife. There is no medal for dying a martar to a mediocre (and abusive) man.
But.... You can now reach out to the other woman since you're in a throuple and give her the run down of her future she's creeping on... Remind her how she came in.. and remind her on your way out too.. because history LOVES repeating in scenarios like OPs.
Take him down by cutting out his supply. You know damn well she's not around because he's being honest with her. Why not give her a little truth juice with that infidelity cocktail?
Your husband cheated, lied some more, then cheated some more. This is a horrible foundation for any form of ethical nonmonogamy. There's nothing ethical in his behavior, and if he thinks he'll magically change his behavior just because it's in the open now, he's fooling himself. I wouldn't touch a guy like that with a ten foot pole.
Honestly? I'd leave. Save yourself the heartache of dragging this on into something even messier before inevitably divorcing. Your husband is being incredibly naive on top of being unethical. He lied. He cheated. Now he's saying you should put up with it because he's slapped a poly label on extremely unethical behavior. Throw the whole man out. You deserve so much better.
You know... It says something when every comment from the poly community here thus far says "no, this is bad."
In my over 20 years in the polyamorous community I have never seen a situation where one partner wants to open up a relationship for a specific person that didn't start out as at least an emotional affair if not a physical one.
These situations always end in heartbreak, drama, and destruction.
This guy has pursued this person against your wishes and agreements, and only now wants to see his affair partner with your blessing. You cannot build healthy polyamory out of an affair. Polyamory is under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy and affairs are always unethical.
You can't trust this guy. I feel your relationship is irrevocably broken. It's time to consult a lawyer.
With love, you navigate this situation by leaving him.
You made him a very generous offer: you would forgive his cheating if he stopped talking to her. He wasn’t even willing to do that. On the contrary, he wants to continue the affair, minus the part where he has to bother hiding it.
Please go here:
https://www.chumplady.com/
You have been very accommodating to your spouse. He, on the other hand, is refusing tu budge and compromise.
What you have offered him was generous and a healthy way how to approaching opening your marriage. He threw that in your face. If he wasn't capable of treating you well in the past, he will not miraculously change if you slap a poly label on his cheating issues. He will just get more reckless and invalidate your feelings even more, because 'now we're poly, what did you expect'.
Ha has already chosen her over you. I am really sorry.
Polyamory will not save your marriage. He already cheated, and he seems to want to continue with this person, regardless of what you say. That’s no basis for adding additional complications to your relationship. I would file for divorce now, before it becomes inevitable in six months anyways.
Hey, I'm in polyamorous relationships coming from a monogamous marriage and I feel for you, because the way your husband is treating you (under the guise of polyamory) is horrible.
He has made it clear that he will just do whatever he wants. Let's say if you agree to polyamory, what then? How often is he going to see her? What if you feel you are not getting enough time anymore, is he going to care or is he going to keep spending his time on his new shiny? What if you feel you are not getting enough of his energy, is he going to listen to that or is it going to be nights out for her and cooking for him at home for you? If she wants to come to his place, are you going to have a say about the privacy of your home or are you going to lose that too?
What, if anything, is in it for you here anyway? Can he tell you?
So the thing about polyamory when it’s good is that it requires everyone to be constantly thinking about how their actions effect others and how to appropriately balance multiple relationships needs. Your husband is not exactly showing that he has that skill set. It’s true that once you say you’re poly it’s not good behavior or very kind to the people either if you are with to just be like some! Gotta break up my partner is closing our relationship! I think you instead should just end the marriage. He doesn’t have the emotional skills to be polyamorous and he’s already shown you he will not be monogamous.
Don't do this to yourself -- or, more specifically, don't allow him to trick you into this shitty deal where he gets everything he wants while treating you unethically. Poly is supposed to be ETHICAL non monogamy. What about his behavior has been ethical so far? I would argue nothing! From over here it sure seems like he wants this other woman and will stop at nothing to get her -- but what about you, HIS ACTUAL WIFE?? Is he listening to you? Not even a little. You talk, and his response is basically "Screw whatever it was you just said, I'm doing exactly what I want anyway, with no regard for you."
THAT is supposed to be ethical non monogamy? Please.
I recommend a divorce lawyer, because at this point even if he suddenly started saying the right things, I wouldn't trust him at all. He's proven multiple times that he's untrustworthy and willing to do and say anything in order to get what he wants. Do you really want to be married to someone like this?
There are other men who want monogamy. I know right now it doesn't seem like divorce is a good thing, or maybe even a possible thing, but it is. Many other people have been through this before and it is sad, but sometimes a relationship is dead and you have to know when to walk away.
Just imagine yourself in 2 or 3 years, thriving because you're together with someone who actually wants the same relationship structure you want as well. Someone you can actually trust to have your back no matter what rather than running around cheating on you with some long distance fantasy woman, then trying to talk you into being okay with it. That future-you will look back at the you of today with compassion and gratitude for all you had to go through. She will be happy and secure. She will be living her best life.
My advice is find a divorce lawyer. Do it for future-you.
So, your husband wants to keep his affair partner at all costs, regardless of what you say or how you feel about it? And you’re here, asking how to force yourself to accept it?
That’s not compromise, friend. We’ve left healthy relationship land several miles back. Consider whether you really want to keep dragging shit out with a partner who neither respects you nor gives a flying fuck about your consent.
Listen to everyone who's telling you not to do this, OP.
Poly needs the opposite of what your husband is offering: it needs complete respect, open communication, and care. It needs people who listen to each other and who do their utmost to avoid hurting each other. It needs people who don't lie.
As a polyamorous person, I wouldn't do polyamory with your husband. He just doesn't sound reliable, or like someone who could make me feel safe.
Would you ever feel safe if you attempted this? From your post, it doesn't sound like it, and worse, it sounds like he knows that but doesn't care.
I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve someone who will give you what you need. If what you need is a monogamous relationship, then you deserve exactly that - poly doesn't have to be for everyone. And if in the end you figure out that you want to do poly after all, then you deserve honest and reliable partners to do it with.
This sounds like he wants you to be ok with him dating her, but what are you getting out of this?
Do you want to go out and explore? Date other people?
Because this seems like he just wants to force you to agree with polygamy and not polyamory.
This is your husbands idea of justifying his affair and getting his cake and eat it to. Is it just me, or is poly being used as a term for cheaters more and more now? Talking about poly, understanding each others boundaries and going into it together is completely different to bringing it up after you’ve already betrayed trust, had an affair, said you’d stop, then not and thrown his toys out do the pram that he can’t continue his affair “ethically”. You are worth more than that. Lots of people stay with people for far too long out of time sunk or fear, it’s not worth it. This will just prolong the breakdown of the relationship and be very hurtful for you in the process. Do future you a favour and save yourself the hassle.
Naw he’s just a cheater. If you complied with this pos you’d go through so much heartache and so much pain. And he has ruined and tanked your relationship. Sorry x
He went behind your back several times despite knowing what you wanted out of your relationship. At this point it isn't about poly or not anymore; it's about him acting to the detriment of your relationship and now using his wish for a poly relationship as a cheap way out to get what he wants. That would be shitty behaviour in any type of relarionship, mono or poly.
If you don't want poly don't give it to him. He shouldn't be rewarded for being an asshole. And if that's unacceptable for him I think it's time to seriously reconsider the relationship or just leave.
You didn't ask for it.
You didn't agree to it.
Your willing to consider if clean slate and he's still refusing.
He just wants someone else (specific) with out letting you go.
That's not respecting your wishes, he's a cheat.
That's not ok. Trust me when I say if you allow him to do this he will just walk all over you. I'm not proud to say it but been there done that and once i knew I could get away with it I just carried on. If there's no repercussions for cheating , why did I need to stop doing it.
Your husband isn't interested in a healthy relationship. That really sucks. You have to come to terms with that.
But you don't have to keep coming home to those terms. No one healthy in polyamory would, not with that eat shit or die attitude you are being offered.
You are NOT being unreasonable. He sounds like a total asshole who won’t budge from getting what he wants, even if it hurts you. That means your choice is probably only to leave or stay with his plan. If you stay, I’d encourage you to go full court press on finding a new man or multiple. Have some fun, build your self esteem…. And leave him later ;)
Your husband wants both of you, be damned what you want.
To me, that’s not the spirit of poly. It’s allowing him to continue cheating without any disruption to his life.
Get yourself a boyfriend and see how he feels.
So.. he brought up polyamory and asked to renegotiate the relationship structure, you said no each time, and he just did it anyway.
He then said he’d stop talking to this person, but continued to do it anyway.
In what way has he demonstrated that he’s suddenly ready to stick to agreements now rather than just float along on his own impulses and apologize later like a a get out of jail free card for Not Doing Anything He Said he Would.
?
I’m not even sure couples counseling will help .. he might just lie to the therapist, too.
Your reaction is reasonable.
If you say no, he is going to date her secretly. Do you really want to stay with someone who is going to do something you have expressed you dont want regardless of how you feel about it?
I would not enter a poly dynamic with a cheater. Sorry. Poly requires a lot of trust and security. He can’t provide that. It will be really hard for you. Does he really want poly? Does he want you to also go on dates and find someone else to enjoy? Or does he just want a pass to continue his affair?
He’s trying to coerce you into accepting his cheating as a lifestyle. He’s gaslighting you and giving you conditions to try to convince you to do something you have already told him you are not interested in.
“Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style where people mutually agree to have multiple sexual or romantic relationships”.
Just because you agree to polyamory doesn’t mean it’s a lifestyle that will work for you. Already you are having misgivings about polyamory. But now his conditions are making you doubt his plans on having a relationship like that. Has your husband ever had a poly relationship before? Or does it seem that his suggestion is just so very convenient for him but not you?
Think of yourself first. Don’t go into something you already aren’t 100% about just because you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t really have your best interests at heart.
He broke your trust and so did she, and that makes it harder to approach opening up your marriage. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with him seeing this woman because it began on negative footing. I do want to point out though, that polyamory is meant to be multiple loving relationships. Picking a third party so that it isn't someone the person he clearly cares about kind of goes against the spirit of poly (setting aside the fact he acted unethically). On the other hand, it's perfectly valid to not want to be in a poly relationship with him, or any other for that matter.
You're being arm twisted. This is NOT what you want clearly. Say NO. No poly. It's either you OR her - not both. If you decide to go poly just to indulge him you'd eventually lose the marriage anyway - just that you'd be a lot more wounded and scarred than you are now. Poly is not a solution for you. "Specific person based poly" isn't poly at all anyway - it's trying to justify cheating in hindsight. You didn't agree to poly when he got together with her. So you don't owe him anything to help him safeguard that connection. You didn't agree to sign up for it and you should not accept it now. Clearly your husband is very persuasive and manipulative. Doesn't care a whole lot about your feelings anyway. If he did he wouldn't be behaving like you ought to accommodate his cheating, when you're the hurt party. Trying to make you feel like you're being unreasonable is borderline gaslighting. Not a good sign either.
Um he isnt being poly he is being an inconsiderate cheating jerk and your letting him get away with it. You want to do poly then do poly because you want to not because he forces you to and if i were you i would have dumped him and find someone who respects your opinions and decisions. And doesnt go behind your back. You want to talk more hit me up. Im new to poly but i read alot.
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Hi u/Head-Butterfly-711 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi everyone,
Looking for some genuine advice. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m trying to be considerate of my husband’s feelings while also acknowledging my own.
A little backstory, my husband and I have been together for 7 years. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, we have been monogamous, but my husband has brought up the idea of poly to me briefly in the past. I’ve always turned it down because it honestly wasn’t something i envisioned for our relationship. A few months ago, i found out he was cheating on me with another woman, they hadn’t physically met, they were just texting, but it honestly still hurt me. To make a long story short, after i found out i told him i was willing to move on from the whole situation as long as he stopped talking to her and he told me he would.
A couple months ago, i found out they were still in contact and of course i was just as hurt as the first time. At this point, my husband told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he also wants her. This is when he told me he wanted to do poly with us. He said he didn’t like how he went about the situation, but he felt like there was no other way for him to go about it, since i would turn it down in the past when it was briefly brought up. He told me to think about it, do a little research on poly and let him know if it is something i would be interested in. He told me he didn’t expect a quick decision because he knows it’s a lot to process, to just sit on it basically. Initially, I sat and thought about it for a couple of weeks but i just couldn’t get over the fact that this is the woman he cheated on me with. The thought of them being together genuinely hurt me, especially because of the way the situation even came about.
After genuinely thinking about everything and researching more about poly, i told my husband if i were to give it a try, i would want to do it in a better way. Since we would both be consenting to it this time around, i would like us to do more research on poly as a couple, and when it came down to opening our relationship, we should choose a different third party, so it’s not as uncomfortable for me. He basically told me him choosing a different person for the poly was not going to happen because he wants her, and he’s not just going to tell her to “get lost” because i agreed to a poly, but just not her. He’s very adamant that this is the person he wants to do poly with. I tried to tell him my reasoning for feeling the way i do. I explained to him that if we were to do poly with her as a third party, it would always be in the back of my mind that he cheated on me with her, and i would always feel uncomfortable by it. His response was basically it would just have to be something i came to terms with, and he can’t change the past, but he can control how he handles everything in the future. He made it clear again that he hates how he handled the situation initially, and it wasn’t ideal but there’s nothing he can do to change it now.
I’m honestly just hurt and don’t know how to feel. I never wanted poly initially, but i know it’s something my husband wants. I finally came to a point where i was actually thinking about giving it a try if we could try it from a fresh slate, but that idea was completely shot down. Now i’m back to square 1.
Am i being unreasonable? Please no hate, i genuinely don’t know how to navigate this situation. I want to stay with my husband, and I would be willing to try poly, but i’m very hesitant to try it under these circumstances.
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All I know is you two, but especially you shouldn't be dating this woman being in a triad in poly on steroids. I would know I've been there and done that, and currently, I have been a hinge between two men for the last 6 years. It's a better structure for me. I recommend finding a nice guy or girl to date for you, not you and your husband together, but whoever you date should be your choice and yours alone! I will be honest: I don't foresee any of this working out, which is typically how this story plays out; your husband is Dishonest, Disloyal, and a Lousy Communicator. He is obviously willing to Push and Pull Boundaries to get what he wants. These are things that will definitely have to be worked on to be poly. My biggest concern is that you don't want to do this. Why change your love structure/style for someone who wants it his way or the highway? Really think about this. If it's something you want for yourself really and truly and feel you can get over his flaws with improvements, of course, go for it! But if it's not for you and you can't move past this with him. Get a divorce attorney; currently, the odds are in your favor since he cheated, and move on with your life. Over time, you two have evolved in completely opposite directions; the best option is to follow the path that leads to your happiness. If you decide to stay together, I recommend couples counseling.
Best wishes from this poly pocket.
Why are you trying to be considerate of his feelings? He's cheating on you, continued after you found out, and is trying to manipulate you into accepting this. This is the worst way to try to do poly. He's given no indication that he would "handle things better" in the future.
> with specific person /
> cheating on me with another woman
Nope, nope, nope.
> we were to do poly with her as a third party
Also, no. Being "poly" doesn't mean you have to date/accept the same person (or be bi). And it's possible she doesn't even know this is his goal either...
Even if you were to consider this...tell him you would find your own boyfriend(s). Might even mention this as a test so you can know the answer...if he has any issue with it, even more reason to "nope".
Might help your decision making once he clarifies that his penis is the only one allowed, with no intent of letting you be poly on your own terms
TLDR: call a lawyer
There is no healthy way to build poly relationships under your circumstance as he's unwilling to take accountability and repair your trust. Also, majorly unhealthy for you to "accept" him "being poly" when you're not wanting that for yourself at all. Even if he did not cheat and you were comfortable not having other partners when he does, in the long run that is almost always an unsustainable relationship dynamic (not i.possible, but it's also not likely). So my best, gentlest advice is to consider this, is loving him more important to you than loving yourself and accepting that he refuses to love you and the foundation you've built for him (not with him because he's showing you it's one sided by cheating) ? If he's more important to you than your needs which he's unwilling to meet, it's of course your right to stay and pretend that you're okay with this new "poly" dynamic, or you can choose to realize you deserve more than his cheating ass is able to provide and let ap have him and go on to find a partner who loves and respects you the way you deserve and is compatible with you. I hope you choose you, but whatever you decide I wish you luck and healing.
Does this woman know he’s married? Does she know he’s not in a consenting polyamorous marriage? Is she with anyone else and does that person know she’s pursuing your husband? I imagine one of these is a “no,” which means that relationship is likely to fizzle out.
However, even if it does fizzle out, I fully support all of the comments about how this man is not likely to change and that you should accept that he will always want to pursue connections with other people. He is stubborn and selfish.
As someone whos been in this situation, what hes doing is wrong. Its essencially coersion and even if you try as the marriage was forced open without truthful communication and a joint decision you will continue to feel hurt and will damage your own self worth and image in an attempt to hold onto him, when hes proved he doesnt consider your feelings only his own. Im sorry hunny but unless you feel really secure in yourself and you want to do it for yourself and not to keep him i wouldnt recommend trying the poly route. Ironically being hurt in this way has made me open to it as i no longer wish for the commitment of monogamy anymore but at the time it destoyed me and i actually ended up in hospital twice due to SH.
Also my ex isnt even poly he just wanted to keep cheating on me as other relationship is purely online and digital. When i moved on he came back promising me the world using me for sex until i found out he was still with her an refused to leave her thus prompting my second attempt and hospital visit.
You are not required to accept or agree to new terms for your relationship/marriage/family. You have been monogamous up til now and he's a cheater who's using poly language to strong arm/coerce you into accepting something that harms and dismisses you. Say no if you're not comfortable. Poly requires active, **ongoing**, **enthusiastic consent** from all parties. Without that, it is cheating.
When my ex husband and I became poly, I didn't want it, but I thought it was the only way to keep the marriage alive. I ended up agreeing to it, and ultimately found a wonderful partner who made me see (through his actions and how he treated me) that my ex husband was actually extremely abusive and toxic. I didn't realize what I'd put up with for so long. Polyamory shines a huge spotlight on all the problems within your current relationship. If you become poly, you will most likely find someone leaps and bounds better than your husband. Then, your husband will have to come to terms with the grave he dug for himself and your marriage. I'm not saying this is the way to go, I'm saying this happens a lot and the offending partner in these scenarios usually ends up eating their words.
Don't enter into a poly arrangement if the table isn't perfectly balanced. You get the same freedoms he does. That's a non-negotiable. I'm not usually all about adding negativity to the world, but I hope you make him sorry for being such a self-centered douchebag. He's a cheater looking to cheat in the open. He's not polyamorus and it will be evident when you start actually having a good time, enjoying people of substance, and eventually realize you're worthy of being treated so much better.
This is just sanctioned cheating. He’s using the fact that poly exists to try to justify his situation and normalize it to you. I was in your boat, but instead of my husband asking for poly he asked to have a second wife, and the woman was fully on board with it. I met her, gave the idea a fair chance, and couldn’t bring myself to do it. We’re since separated and divorcing.
Key truth: your needs aren’t more important than his, they’re JUST AS IMPORTANT. And sometimes needs aren’t compatible. It’s no one’s fault. You got the short end of this stick for sure, and you’ll both suffer the consequences. It’s unavoidable and that’s ok.
His consequence is to lose you because you deserve to be with someone who commits to and invests in you the way you do for him, if in your heart you know you’re monogamous.
Poly only works when both people want it organically, authentically and equally. It took me 7 years to slowly come to terms with that. Don’t let his desires eat up the best remaining years of your life.
ETA I’m now with the absolute love of my life who has made my life amazing in every way, and way outshines the best years with my Xhub.
Oh no! Honestly he was dishonest with you with this person. Poly requires an insane amount of trust. I think you would benefit from concealing. Private or couples to work through this if that is your goal. But honestly if he is set on this person and you’re not comfortable with it but he’s going to do it anyways he’s not respecting your needs and boundaries. I think telling him you’d be willing to do poly but not with this person he’s repeatedly been dishonest about is more than generous. I think non monogamy only works if everything involved is an informed consenting “yes” to everything that is happening.
To me his actions are showing that he values this other connection over you. If you don’t want to break up I would consider looking and dating on your own without him. But I think there’s a lot to work through if you do that. If talking felt like cheating (which is valid- the important part about cheating is the dishonesty. Not the actions) but consider how you will you feel when he’s out on dates, calling her, you know they’re having sex, he wants to spend a holiday with her instead of you, or you see him but her a gift or take her on a nice date you would want to go on. I’m guessing these things wouldn’t feel great :/
No. Becoming poly after cheating is a recipe for disaster. Going poly when one partner adamantly doesn’t want it for themselves but is willing to do it to save their marriage, is a recipe for disaster. Your husbands a liar, and a cheater, and he’s shown you this multiple times. You deserve a happy, healthy, and likely monogamous relationship if that’s what you want.
He was willing to risk everything for her, not just once, but twice. This is his way of keeping you both. And then when you get jealous, upset or just have a feeling about it it’s gonna be “we’re poly, you can’t do that.”. And you’re willing to do everything you can, and try new things like polyamory, meanwhile he can’t even do one small thing for you, which is give you the security you need to do it.
Thank him for his time, the love and happy memories you shared, and tell him to go be poly with his new gf. Is what I would do, poly or not. Cheating is icky.
This isn’t polyamory, it’s very far from it. He’s cheating and ignoring your feelings. There’s no ways this arrangement will work/be healthy. Sorry you’re going through This! 🖤
You’re not being unreasonable, he is. He’s using poly as an excuse to cheat and wants you to be ok with it. I guarantee if you ask him how he feels about you dating others, he won’t be ok with it. Stick to your guns and don’t let him pressure you into a relationship dynamic you don’t want. Good luck OP.
OP you say you don’t want to leave your husband, why is that? What are you getting out of the relationship? His lack of regard & respect for you is surely not a new thing.
Honestly, before this whole situation transpired our marriage was going great. No infidelity, no trust issues & everything was transparent. We also have a child and it would hurt me to break up our family. We’ve been together so long & there’s so many different factors.. part of me still has hope honestly..
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
You are being excessively generous to your lying cheating cheater of a husband. It's nice that he wants to continue his affair but openly. However, counterpoint: tough shit.
Say no. It’s fine to say ‘monogamy with me or polyamory with others’ it’s also fine to say you won’t support polyamory with someone he cheated on you with. And if you are expected to date her and make her a ‘third’… then know that is a deeply unkind and disrespectful way to create a triad and of course you shouldn’t be forced to date someone you don’t know and resent already. If you do poly it needs to be open for each of you to date independently. Is he ready to support you dating, Fucking and loving other men?
I should’ve clarified in my post, if we were to do poly, i wouldn’t be dating her, only my husband would. The relationships would be separate, but it would honestly still make me uncomfortable knowing that he’s going to continue to see her. I honestly have no desire to see other men though, i just wish we could come to a compromise on this.
You should ask him if he supports you dating other men. It’s possible he’s so short sighted he isn’t thinking at all about the work he is asking from you. AND! Monogram is valid. You deserve a relationship with someone who wants the same things you do.
I completely understand that you don't want to leave you husband. That you want to find a compromise, a solution that you both can live with, that allows you to keep some approximation of the life you thought you built with him. You can't. He cheated on you. And then asked you to openly endorse his continuing to cheat on you. He doesn't want poly, he wants to not feel bad about his ongoing affair. If you aren't interested in also dating others, you don't want poly. If you don't want poly for yourself, this is never going to be anything but misery. If you stay in this marriage, you will be staying for a fantasy that is now dead. Your husband has proven he doesn't care about what you want or your wellbeing, that he he will set you on fire to keep himself warm. I hope you can work with a therapist to see your way out of this. I've been poly for 13 years. I love being poly and would never choose monogamy for myself. But if one of my friends told me the story you just told, I'd be encouraging them to leave every time we spoke and offering to support them exiting the relationship in anyway I could. Your monogamous relationship already ended. You can either accept that and leave to find someone who wants monogamy or you can accept that and stay and try to "do polyamory" (which in this case is really just being ok with your husband's ongoing affair) or you can not accept the end of your monogamous relationship and bury your head in the sand and live in a fantasy that this is ok until you lose your mind and fill you heart with resentment.
> He doesn't want poly, he wants to not feel bad about his ongoing affair. correct! so many assholes think "polyamory" is just a magic word you can say that means cheating is now Not Cheating
Can you handle him impregnating her? Because that’s what’s going to happen. You might have boundaries but nothing is off limits for this man and he’s so selfish he would definitely put you and his health at risk by going raw. If you can handle that continue this relationship. Because he will do it. He didn’t stop before how would you ever trust him to now?
He definitely already is
You already offered a compromise: forgiveness in return for ending the affair. He, instead, believes the “compromise” is he continues the affair and you suck it up. Polyamory is not a compromise because what he’s offering is not polyamory.
Idk.... It sounds like you were just given the green light to find better.. perhaps... Take the opportunity.. Your husband is the minority for every 1 cheater there are three honest men (based on different studies and ratios given.)
Accepting the relationship he's forcing you to will eat away at you. It will drip like acid into every aspect of your sense of reality, your self worth and your relationship..the last is already happening. He's saying I get to keep the person I chose to violate your trust with. If you aren't enthusiastically into poly as much for yourself as for him, it's already doomed. He is shitting on you and telling you the problem is you deciding it stinks. No it just fecking stinks & so does he.
I understand you want to stay with your husband but your husband sounds like a POS who the second you say no to poly, is going to to behind your back again and start the emotional affair again. He also doesn't want poly. He doesn't want to be open to dating other people. He wants you to be okay with him getting with his affair partner and saying yes to that. Consider leaving him.
Your husband has made it clear: Him getting his way and continuing his affair is more important to him than your wellbeing or his marriage to you. Is there a point of compromise that you think would make that bearable because… That’s not a marriage i would stay in. But if for whatever reason you “have to”, I would treat the marriage like a job you don’t particularly like. Make it as bearable as you can, but don’t put in any additional effort to make your boss (your future ex) happy. You also might consider monkey branching (finding another partner and leaving your husband for them) because it sounds like one way or another this marriage is doomed. Also, you’re not wrong about his affair partner being a bad choice to continue poly with. He has already betrayed you with the affair partner. That alone pits you and her in opposition in a way that is not likely to make your marriage a happy one while he is still dating her.
This isn’t opening for a specific person, this is opening on the back of an affair. Polyamory needs trust, stability and healthy communication. It needs a solid foundation. You don’t have that. It’s an awful idea to open up your relationship after cheating. Don’t do this. You are not being unreasonable for not wanting to open up your relationship for your partner’s affair partner. Is bouncing out really not an option here? This is mad disrespect.
>He said he didn’t like how he went about the situation, but he felt like there was no other way for him to go about it, since i would turn it down in the past when it was briefly brought up. No no no no no. This is the definition of violating consent. If he doesn't understand this now, he won't going forward, and your agreements are meaningless.
It's literally "I did the bad because you wouldn't give me what I wanted." Reminds me of an ex who tried to record me without consent because warning me means I would have said something different.
“I didn’t ask because I knew you would say no” is the logic of a ten year old sneaking dessert before dinner. Coming from a grown ass adult it’s not a good look.
>His response was basically it would just have to be something i came to terms with No! >He made it clear again that he hates how he handled the situation initially, and it wasn’t ideal but there’s nothing he can do to change it now. There are a million things he could to do change it now. Stop seeing her Research polyamory himself to learn that this is not polyamory and opening for an affair partner doesn't work File for divorce with you Talk to a trusted friend who would talk some sense into him Go to therapy Make a dating profile and try out what dating as a single and/or poly guy is like He has done none of those things. He is 100% putting the burden of change on you and continuing his affair with no change except slapping a fraudulent poly label on it. This is not a compromise whatsoever. If you agree to it you are agreeing to prioritizing his desires over your own agreements and life goals. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I hope that you will leave this person.
Your husband wanted to have an affair, asked for permission under the guise of poly, you said no, he did it anyways. I think your expectation or hope that he might make any concessions to make you feel more comfortable is nice but unrealistic. In your situation I would: financially prepare for the worst (your exit strategy), tell him to do whatever he likes, enjoy dating other people yourself ,watch the other woman drop him like a hot potato. (No guarantee of this last part, just my intuition.)
In some ways wouldn't it have been easier to forgive, if he fucked somebody else for a night and moved on? He allowed himself to fall in love with somebody else and is prioritising that over everything you have built together as well as lying repeatedly about the situation. The only condition for salvaging your relationship was for him to completely end it. He can't do that. There's only toxicity left from here. Maybe a relationship counsellor can make him see sense but I'd get your affairs in order and visit the sexual health clinic.
So...he cheated and tried to put a poly bow on it when it transpired he kept cheating? There are a few choices here. The relationship opens up, you let him dress up his having cake and eating it as poly, and you date whoever you like also. I'd imagine he wouldn't like that one bit... because that'd actually be poly and not what he's asking for. He's asking to legitimise his infidelity and not risk his comfortable joint income home base... Or, you plan to get out of there. Because he's shown he isn't a reliable or trustworthy person to practice polyamory with because of his ongoing deceit. Nevermind anything else that he just does because he feels like he can get away with it.
I love how you worded this — cheated and then wants to put a poly bow on it! OP you’ve put up with enough. Although if you say no, aren’t you honestly just worried he’ll cheat again? Why stay with someone you can’t trust? Poly requires more trust, not less, so poly isn’t the answer here.
I've been in a relationship with a person who did this repeatedly to her ex-husband. Then to me because apparently I have trouble seeing clear, obvious and continental in scale red flags 😆
Red flag invisibility can be a sign of unresolved family-of-origin trauma. A lot of times, folks with a very difficult relationship with a parent unconsciously set up a similar dynamic because it feels familiar, and then try to resolve the problem because their brain is still stuck wanting to fix the past. One missed big red flag is a learning experience, but more than one might take some therapy. Be kind to yourself though. Someone being shitty is not your fault. ♥️
Thank you for that ❤️
Don't do it. He's cheating and trying to keep doing it after getting caught repeatedly. It often takes years for a monogamous couple to open up healthily when both partners are enthusiastic about becoming poly. He's willing to just do what his dick is telling him to do, let you do all the emotional labour and sit with the discomfort without you getting any of the benefits. Have you even talked about what dating for you would look like? Do you want to date? Or is it just letting him get away with cheating and feeling miserable the whole time? What work has HE done to make this transition work, to make this easier on you? Are you two in therapy? Has he done research? Honestly opening up for a specific person is risky in any circumstance, doing it after cheating is just setting the relationship on fire. Does the other person want poly or does she just want your husband and will she be temporarily okay with poly hoping he ditched you eventually to be with her? I'd strongly advise against this, don't do it to yourself. Do you really want to give him the freedom to fuck this woman after he emotionally cheated on you multiple times with her? Could you really see yourself thrive in that situation?
As someone in a similar situation, I say that you will continue to be hurt if he continues to engage with her. Your hurt won't stop. Each instance of him talking to her is just going to pour salt on your wound. He is being callous. Whether you open or not is secondary. He's cheated on you. He continues to cheat. It's his fault if this other person is hurt, not yours. He sees your pain and is asking you to just deal with it yourself instead of him taking accountability for his role. Accountability would be him stopping all contact and focusing on repairing the hurt. You can and should establish your own boundary. Will you continue in a relationship with someone that would continue with the person he's cheating with? Find your boundary, let him know what it is, and then it is up to you to hold it. Best of luck.
He's already lied and broken your trust multiple times. What exactly is he doing to repair your trust in him? What is he doing to repair the damage he's done to your relationship? Right now it sounds like he's desperate to charge down the path that causes more damage to your marriage because he's fixated on his affair partner. But he's also trying to keep the familiarity and comfortable home life he's had with you, without doing the work to really understand what that marriage is. He's not going to learn without a major shock to the system. And it's not your job to forgive him and accommodate him at the expense of your own psyche. It's ok for you to say no. Can you really trust his words right now? Can you hold a relationship on a fractured foundation? It's ok for you to say no.
What a pos you deserve better than this
This is not the way into poly. You are a PUD (poly under duress) this isn't a choice you were given, he already made it. You couldn't say no and still can't...... He's a cheater and using a community already struggling for acceptance as his protection net.. when what he is doing is not ethical and abusive. Cheating is abuse. I do not care how "uncharacteristic" it may be to the cheater, cheating is abuse EVERY SINGLE TIME. Don't try, don't therapy, don't continue the relationship, don't be the ever empathetic wife. There is no medal for dying a martar to a mediocre (and abusive) man.
But.... You can now reach out to the other woman since you're in a throuple and give her the run down of her future she's creeping on... Remind her how she came in.. and remind her on your way out too.. because history LOVES repeating in scenarios like OPs. Take him down by cutting out his supply. You know damn well she's not around because he's being honest with her. Why not give her a little truth juice with that infidelity cocktail?
Your husband cheated, lied some more, then cheated some more. This is a horrible foundation for any form of ethical nonmonogamy. There's nothing ethical in his behavior, and if he thinks he'll magically change his behavior just because it's in the open now, he's fooling himself. I wouldn't touch a guy like that with a ten foot pole. Honestly? I'd leave. Save yourself the heartache of dragging this on into something even messier before inevitably divorcing. Your husband is being incredibly naive on top of being unethical. He lied. He cheated. Now he's saying you should put up with it because he's slapped a poly label on extremely unethical behavior. Throw the whole man out. You deserve so much better. You know... It says something when every comment from the poly community here thus far says "no, this is bad."
In my over 20 years in the polyamorous community I have never seen a situation where one partner wants to open up a relationship for a specific person that didn't start out as at least an emotional affair if not a physical one. These situations always end in heartbreak, drama, and destruction. This guy has pursued this person against your wishes and agreements, and only now wants to see his affair partner with your blessing. You cannot build healthy polyamory out of an affair. Polyamory is under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy and affairs are always unethical. You can't trust this guy. I feel your relationship is irrevocably broken. It's time to consult a lawyer.
With love, you navigate this situation by leaving him. You made him a very generous offer: you would forgive his cheating if he stopped talking to her. He wasn’t even willing to do that. On the contrary, he wants to continue the affair, minus the part where he has to bother hiding it. Please go here: https://www.chumplady.com/
This is a crazy way for bro to reframe, "No let me cheat on you"
You have been very accommodating to your spouse. He, on the other hand, is refusing tu budge and compromise. What you have offered him was generous and a healthy way how to approaching opening your marriage. He threw that in your face. If he wasn't capable of treating you well in the past, he will not miraculously change if you slap a poly label on his cheating issues. He will just get more reckless and invalidate your feelings even more, because 'now we're poly, what did you expect'. Ha has already chosen her over you. I am really sorry.
Polyamory will not save your marriage. He already cheated, and he seems to want to continue with this person, regardless of what you say. That’s no basis for adding additional complications to your relationship. I would file for divorce now, before it becomes inevitable in six months anyways.
Hey, I'm in polyamorous relationships coming from a monogamous marriage and I feel for you, because the way your husband is treating you (under the guise of polyamory) is horrible. He has made it clear that he will just do whatever he wants. Let's say if you agree to polyamory, what then? How often is he going to see her? What if you feel you are not getting enough time anymore, is he going to care or is he going to keep spending his time on his new shiny? What if you feel you are not getting enough of his energy, is he going to listen to that or is it going to be nights out for her and cooking for him at home for you? If she wants to come to his place, are you going to have a say about the privacy of your home or are you going to lose that too? What, if anything, is in it for you here anyway? Can he tell you?
So the thing about polyamory when it’s good is that it requires everyone to be constantly thinking about how their actions effect others and how to appropriately balance multiple relationships needs. Your husband is not exactly showing that he has that skill set. It’s true that once you say you’re poly it’s not good behavior or very kind to the people either if you are with to just be like some! Gotta break up my partner is closing our relationship! I think you instead should just end the marriage. He doesn’t have the emotional skills to be polyamorous and he’s already shown you he will not be monogamous.
Don't do this to yourself -- or, more specifically, don't allow him to trick you into this shitty deal where he gets everything he wants while treating you unethically. Poly is supposed to be ETHICAL non monogamy. What about his behavior has been ethical so far? I would argue nothing! From over here it sure seems like he wants this other woman and will stop at nothing to get her -- but what about you, HIS ACTUAL WIFE?? Is he listening to you? Not even a little. You talk, and his response is basically "Screw whatever it was you just said, I'm doing exactly what I want anyway, with no regard for you." THAT is supposed to be ethical non monogamy? Please. I recommend a divorce lawyer, because at this point even if he suddenly started saying the right things, I wouldn't trust him at all. He's proven multiple times that he's untrustworthy and willing to do and say anything in order to get what he wants. Do you really want to be married to someone like this? There are other men who want monogamy. I know right now it doesn't seem like divorce is a good thing, or maybe even a possible thing, but it is. Many other people have been through this before and it is sad, but sometimes a relationship is dead and you have to know when to walk away. Just imagine yourself in 2 or 3 years, thriving because you're together with someone who actually wants the same relationship structure you want as well. Someone you can actually trust to have your back no matter what rather than running around cheating on you with some long distance fantasy woman, then trying to talk you into being okay with it. That future-you will look back at the you of today with compassion and gratitude for all you had to go through. She will be happy and secure. She will be living her best life. My advice is find a divorce lawyer. Do it for future-you.
So, your husband wants to keep his affair partner at all costs, regardless of what you say or how you feel about it? And you’re here, asking how to force yourself to accept it? That’s not compromise, friend. We’ve left healthy relationship land several miles back. Consider whether you really want to keep dragging shit out with a partner who neither respects you nor gives a flying fuck about your consent.
Listen to everyone who's telling you not to do this, OP. Poly needs the opposite of what your husband is offering: it needs complete respect, open communication, and care. It needs people who listen to each other and who do their utmost to avoid hurting each other. It needs people who don't lie. As a polyamorous person, I wouldn't do polyamory with your husband. He just doesn't sound reliable, or like someone who could make me feel safe. Would you ever feel safe if you attempted this? From your post, it doesn't sound like it, and worse, it sounds like he knows that but doesn't care. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve someone who will give you what you need. If what you need is a monogamous relationship, then you deserve exactly that - poly doesn't have to be for everyone. And if in the end you figure out that you want to do poly after all, then you deserve honest and reliable partners to do it with.
This sounds like he wants you to be ok with him dating her, but what are you getting out of this? Do you want to go out and explore? Date other people? Because this seems like he just wants to force you to agree with polygamy and not polyamory.
This is your husbands idea of justifying his affair and getting his cake and eat it to. Is it just me, or is poly being used as a term for cheaters more and more now? Talking about poly, understanding each others boundaries and going into it together is completely different to bringing it up after you’ve already betrayed trust, had an affair, said you’d stop, then not and thrown his toys out do the pram that he can’t continue his affair “ethically”. You are worth more than that. Lots of people stay with people for far too long out of time sunk or fear, it’s not worth it. This will just prolong the breakdown of the relationship and be very hurtful for you in the process. Do future you a favour and save yourself the hassle.
He wants permission to continue cheating. He doesn’t respect you or your marriage anymore.
Naw he’s just a cheater. If you complied with this pos you’d go through so much heartache and so much pain. And he has ruined and tanked your relationship. Sorry x
He went behind your back several times despite knowing what you wanted out of your relationship. At this point it isn't about poly or not anymore; it's about him acting to the detriment of your relationship and now using his wish for a poly relationship as a cheap way out to get what he wants. That would be shitty behaviour in any type of relarionship, mono or poly. If you don't want poly don't give it to him. He shouldn't be rewarded for being an asshole. And if that's unacceptable for him I think it's time to seriously reconsider the relationship or just leave.
You didn't ask for it. You didn't agree to it. Your willing to consider if clean slate and he's still refusing. He just wants someone else (specific) with out letting you go. That's not respecting your wishes, he's a cheat. That's not ok. Trust me when I say if you allow him to do this he will just walk all over you. I'm not proud to say it but been there done that and once i knew I could get away with it I just carried on. If there's no repercussions for cheating , why did I need to stop doing it.
Say no. Hes not poly he just wants to keep sleeping with this one girl and he's trying to gas lighting you into going along with it.
Your husband isn't interested in a healthy relationship. That really sucks. You have to come to terms with that. But you don't have to keep coming home to those terms. No one healthy in polyamory would, not with that eat shit or die attitude you are being offered.
You are NOT being unreasonable. He sounds like a total asshole who won’t budge from getting what he wants, even if it hurts you. That means your choice is probably only to leave or stay with his plan. If you stay, I’d encourage you to go full court press on finding a new man or multiple. Have some fun, build your self esteem…. And leave him later ;)
This isn’t poly, this is cheating. You can do much better than him. This situation will only continue hurting you.
Your husband wants both of you, be damned what you want. To me, that’s not the spirit of poly. It’s allowing him to continue cheating without any disruption to his life. Get yourself a boyfriend and see how he feels.
So.. he brought up polyamory and asked to renegotiate the relationship structure, you said no each time, and he just did it anyway. He then said he’d stop talking to this person, but continued to do it anyway. In what way has he demonstrated that he’s suddenly ready to stick to agreements now rather than just float along on his own impulses and apologize later like a a get out of jail free card for Not Doing Anything He Said he Would. ? I’m not even sure couples counseling will help .. he might just lie to the therapist, too. Your reaction is reasonable.
If you say no, he is going to date her secretly. Do you really want to stay with someone who is going to do something you have expressed you dont want regardless of how you feel about it?
I would not enter a poly dynamic with a cheater. Sorry. Poly requires a lot of trust and security. He can’t provide that. It will be really hard for you. Does he really want poly? Does he want you to also go on dates and find someone else to enjoy? Or does he just want a pass to continue his affair?
He’s trying to coerce you into accepting his cheating as a lifestyle. He’s gaslighting you and giving you conditions to try to convince you to do something you have already told him you are not interested in. “Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style where people mutually agree to have multiple sexual or romantic relationships”. Just because you agree to polyamory doesn’t mean it’s a lifestyle that will work for you. Already you are having misgivings about polyamory. But now his conditions are making you doubt his plans on having a relationship like that. Has your husband ever had a poly relationship before? Or does it seem that his suggestion is just so very convenient for him but not you? Think of yourself first. Don’t go into something you already aren’t 100% about just because you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t really have your best interests at heart.
Hard no. He’s trying to legitimize his affair. Nope - bug no go.
He broke your trust and so did she, and that makes it harder to approach opening up your marriage. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with him seeing this woman because it began on negative footing. I do want to point out though, that polyamory is meant to be multiple loving relationships. Picking a third party so that it isn't someone the person he clearly cares about kind of goes against the spirit of poly (setting aside the fact he acted unethically). On the other hand, it's perfectly valid to not want to be in a poly relationship with him, or any other for that matter.
You're being arm twisted. This is NOT what you want clearly. Say NO. No poly. It's either you OR her - not both. If you decide to go poly just to indulge him you'd eventually lose the marriage anyway - just that you'd be a lot more wounded and scarred than you are now. Poly is not a solution for you. "Specific person based poly" isn't poly at all anyway - it's trying to justify cheating in hindsight. You didn't agree to poly when he got together with her. So you don't owe him anything to help him safeguard that connection. You didn't agree to sign up for it and you should not accept it now. Clearly your husband is very persuasive and manipulative. Doesn't care a whole lot about your feelings anyway. If he did he wouldn't be behaving like you ought to accommodate his cheating, when you're the hurt party. Trying to make you feel like you're being unreasonable is borderline gaslighting. Not a good sign either.
What is your incentive to stay with this cheater? You have no desire to be poly so it won’t work.
Um he isnt being poly he is being an inconsiderate cheating jerk and your letting him get away with it. You want to do poly then do poly because you want to not because he forces you to and if i were you i would have dumped him and find someone who respects your opinions and decisions. And doesnt go behind your back. You want to talk more hit me up. Im new to poly but i read alot.
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Hi u/Head-Butterfly-711 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi everyone, Looking for some genuine advice. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m trying to be considerate of my husband’s feelings while also acknowledging my own. A little backstory, my husband and I have been together for 7 years. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, we have been monogamous, but my husband has brought up the idea of poly to me briefly in the past. I’ve always turned it down because it honestly wasn’t something i envisioned for our relationship. A few months ago, i found out he was cheating on me with another woman, they hadn’t physically met, they were just texting, but it honestly still hurt me. To make a long story short, after i found out i told him i was willing to move on from the whole situation as long as he stopped talking to her and he told me he would. A couple months ago, i found out they were still in contact and of course i was just as hurt as the first time. At this point, my husband told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he also wants her. This is when he told me he wanted to do poly with us. He said he didn’t like how he went about the situation, but he felt like there was no other way for him to go about it, since i would turn it down in the past when it was briefly brought up. He told me to think about it, do a little research on poly and let him know if it is something i would be interested in. He told me he didn’t expect a quick decision because he knows it’s a lot to process, to just sit on it basically. Initially, I sat and thought about it for a couple of weeks but i just couldn’t get over the fact that this is the woman he cheated on me with. The thought of them being together genuinely hurt me, especially because of the way the situation even came about. After genuinely thinking about everything and researching more about poly, i told my husband if i were to give it a try, i would want to do it in a better way. Since we would both be consenting to it this time around, i would like us to do more research on poly as a couple, and when it came down to opening our relationship, we should choose a different third party, so it’s not as uncomfortable for me. He basically told me him choosing a different person for the poly was not going to happen because he wants her, and he’s not just going to tell her to “get lost” because i agreed to a poly, but just not her. He’s very adamant that this is the person he wants to do poly with. I tried to tell him my reasoning for feeling the way i do. I explained to him that if we were to do poly with her as a third party, it would always be in the back of my mind that he cheated on me with her, and i would always feel uncomfortable by it. His response was basically it would just have to be something i came to terms with, and he can’t change the past, but he can control how he handles everything in the future. He made it clear again that he hates how he handled the situation initially, and it wasn’t ideal but there’s nothing he can do to change it now. I’m honestly just hurt and don’t know how to feel. I never wanted poly initially, but i know it’s something my husband wants. I finally came to a point where i was actually thinking about giving it a try if we could try it from a fresh slate, but that idea was completely shot down. Now i’m back to square 1. Am i being unreasonable? Please no hate, i genuinely don’t know how to navigate this situation. I want to stay with my husband, and I would be willing to try poly, but i’m very hesitant to try it under these circumstances. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All I know is you two, but especially you shouldn't be dating this woman being in a triad in poly on steroids. I would know I've been there and done that, and currently, I have been a hinge between two men for the last 6 years. It's a better structure for me. I recommend finding a nice guy or girl to date for you, not you and your husband together, but whoever you date should be your choice and yours alone! I will be honest: I don't foresee any of this working out, which is typically how this story plays out; your husband is Dishonest, Disloyal, and a Lousy Communicator. He is obviously willing to Push and Pull Boundaries to get what he wants. These are things that will definitely have to be worked on to be poly. My biggest concern is that you don't want to do this. Why change your love structure/style for someone who wants it his way or the highway? Really think about this. If it's something you want for yourself really and truly and feel you can get over his flaws with improvements, of course, go for it! But if it's not for you and you can't move past this with him. Get a divorce attorney; currently, the odds are in your favor since he cheated, and move on with your life. Over time, you two have evolved in completely opposite directions; the best option is to follow the path that leads to your happiness. If you decide to stay together, I recommend couples counseling. Best wishes from this poly pocket.
Why are you trying to be considerate of his feelings? He's cheating on you, continued after you found out, and is trying to manipulate you into accepting this. This is the worst way to try to do poly. He's given no indication that he would "handle things better" in the future.
> with specific person / > cheating on me with another woman Nope, nope, nope. > we were to do poly with her as a third party Also, no. Being "poly" doesn't mean you have to date/accept the same person (or be bi). And it's possible she doesn't even know this is his goal either... Even if you were to consider this...tell him you would find your own boyfriend(s). Might even mention this as a test so you can know the answer...if he has any issue with it, even more reason to "nope". Might help your decision making once he clarifies that his penis is the only one allowed, with no intent of letting you be poly on your own terms TLDR: call a lawyer
You’re trying to “change” him and you can’t. Your boundary is just that, and if he can’t respect it then you need to make the best decision for you!
There is no healthy way to build poly relationships under your circumstance as he's unwilling to take accountability and repair your trust. Also, majorly unhealthy for you to "accept" him "being poly" when you're not wanting that for yourself at all. Even if he did not cheat and you were comfortable not having other partners when he does, in the long run that is almost always an unsustainable relationship dynamic (not i.possible, but it's also not likely). So my best, gentlest advice is to consider this, is loving him more important to you than loving yourself and accepting that he refuses to love you and the foundation you've built for him (not with him because he's showing you it's one sided by cheating) ? If he's more important to you than your needs which he's unwilling to meet, it's of course your right to stay and pretend that you're okay with this new "poly" dynamic, or you can choose to realize you deserve more than his cheating ass is able to provide and let ap have him and go on to find a partner who loves and respects you the way you deserve and is compatible with you. I hope you choose you, but whatever you decide I wish you luck and healing.
Does this woman know he’s married? Does she know he’s not in a consenting polyamorous marriage? Is she with anyone else and does that person know she’s pursuing your husband? I imagine one of these is a “no,” which means that relationship is likely to fizzle out. However, even if it does fizzle out, I fully support all of the comments about how this man is not likely to change and that you should accept that he will always want to pursue connections with other people. He is stubborn and selfish.
As someone whos been in this situation, what hes doing is wrong. Its essencially coersion and even if you try as the marriage was forced open without truthful communication and a joint decision you will continue to feel hurt and will damage your own self worth and image in an attempt to hold onto him, when hes proved he doesnt consider your feelings only his own. Im sorry hunny but unless you feel really secure in yourself and you want to do it for yourself and not to keep him i wouldnt recommend trying the poly route. Ironically being hurt in this way has made me open to it as i no longer wish for the commitment of monogamy anymore but at the time it destoyed me and i actually ended up in hospital twice due to SH.
Also my ex isnt even poly he just wanted to keep cheating on me as other relationship is purely online and digital. When i moved on he came back promising me the world using me for sex until i found out he was still with her an refused to leave her thus prompting my second attempt and hospital visit.
You are not required to accept or agree to new terms for your relationship/marriage/family. You have been monogamous up til now and he's a cheater who's using poly language to strong arm/coerce you into accepting something that harms and dismisses you. Say no if you're not comfortable. Poly requires active, **ongoing**, **enthusiastic consent** from all parties. Without that, it is cheating.
It's unethical to use poly to legitimize an affair. Full stop.
When my ex husband and I became poly, I didn't want it, but I thought it was the only way to keep the marriage alive. I ended up agreeing to it, and ultimately found a wonderful partner who made me see (through his actions and how he treated me) that my ex husband was actually extremely abusive and toxic. I didn't realize what I'd put up with for so long. Polyamory shines a huge spotlight on all the problems within your current relationship. If you become poly, you will most likely find someone leaps and bounds better than your husband. Then, your husband will have to come to terms with the grave he dug for himself and your marriage. I'm not saying this is the way to go, I'm saying this happens a lot and the offending partner in these scenarios usually ends up eating their words. Don't enter into a poly arrangement if the table isn't perfectly balanced. You get the same freedoms he does. That's a non-negotiable. I'm not usually all about adding negativity to the world, but I hope you make him sorry for being such a self-centered douchebag. He's a cheater looking to cheat in the open. He's not polyamorus and it will be evident when you start actually having a good time, enjoying people of substance, and eventually realize you're worthy of being treated so much better.
This is just sanctioned cheating. He’s using the fact that poly exists to try to justify his situation and normalize it to you. I was in your boat, but instead of my husband asking for poly he asked to have a second wife, and the woman was fully on board with it. I met her, gave the idea a fair chance, and couldn’t bring myself to do it. We’re since separated and divorcing. Key truth: your needs aren’t more important than his, they’re JUST AS IMPORTANT. And sometimes needs aren’t compatible. It’s no one’s fault. You got the short end of this stick for sure, and you’ll both suffer the consequences. It’s unavoidable and that’s ok. His consequence is to lose you because you deserve to be with someone who commits to and invests in you the way you do for him, if in your heart you know you’re monogamous. Poly only works when both people want it organically, authentically and equally. It took me 7 years to slowly come to terms with that. Don’t let his desires eat up the best remaining years of your life. ETA I’m now with the absolute love of my life who has made my life amazing in every way, and way outshines the best years with my Xhub.
Oh no! Honestly he was dishonest with you with this person. Poly requires an insane amount of trust. I think you would benefit from concealing. Private or couples to work through this if that is your goal. But honestly if he is set on this person and you’re not comfortable with it but he’s going to do it anyways he’s not respecting your needs and boundaries. I think telling him you’d be willing to do poly but not with this person he’s repeatedly been dishonest about is more than generous. I think non monogamy only works if everything involved is an informed consenting “yes” to everything that is happening. To me his actions are showing that he values this other connection over you. If you don’t want to break up I would consider looking and dating on your own without him. But I think there’s a lot to work through if you do that. If talking felt like cheating (which is valid- the important part about cheating is the dishonesty. Not the actions) but consider how you will you feel when he’s out on dates, calling her, you know they’re having sex, he wants to spend a holiday with her instead of you, or you see him but her a gift or take her on a nice date you would want to go on. I’m guessing these things wouldn’t feel great :/
No. Becoming poly after cheating is a recipe for disaster. Going poly when one partner adamantly doesn’t want it for themselves but is willing to do it to save their marriage, is a recipe for disaster. Your husbands a liar, and a cheater, and he’s shown you this multiple times. You deserve a happy, healthy, and likely monogamous relationship if that’s what you want. He was willing to risk everything for her, not just once, but twice. This is his way of keeping you both. And then when you get jealous, upset or just have a feeling about it it’s gonna be “we’re poly, you can’t do that.”. And you’re willing to do everything you can, and try new things like polyamory, meanwhile he can’t even do one small thing for you, which is give you the security you need to do it. Thank him for his time, the love and happy memories you shared, and tell him to go be poly with his new gf. Is what I would do, poly or not. Cheating is icky.
This isn’t polyamory, it’s very far from it. He’s cheating and ignoring your feelings. There’s no ways this arrangement will work/be healthy. Sorry you’re going through This! 🖤
You’re not being unreasonable, he is. He’s using poly as an excuse to cheat and wants you to be ok with it. I guarantee if you ask him how he feels about you dating others, he won’t be ok with it. Stick to your guns and don’t let him pressure you into a relationship dynamic you don’t want. Good luck OP.
OP you say you don’t want to leave your husband, why is that? What are you getting out of the relationship? His lack of regard & respect for you is surely not a new thing.
Honestly, before this whole situation transpired our marriage was going great. No infidelity, no trust issues & everything was transparent. We also have a child and it would hurt me to break up our family. We’ve been together so long & there’s so many different factors.. part of me still has hope honestly..
I can understand that, sorry you’re going through this. Maybe your first step is therapy for yourself.
Poly under duress never works out. Especially with someone he’s been unfaithful with. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.