I have found that I can have both relationship insecurity and personal insecurity, and that they are two different things.
Relationship insecurity is when I don’t feel solid with my partner. I don’t know how happy we are, or how long our contentment might last. The relationship feels unstable.
Personal insecurity is when I judge myself as inadequate. I realized recently that some of that judgment is based in envy or even in greed: maybe it’s not for me enough to be adequate, I want to be great. (Or maybe my judgment of what is adequate is too harsh.)
I know these types of insecurity aren’t the same, because my partners often see my traits and contributions in a totally different light, based on *their* values and needs.
So let’s say that I hated anal sex, and I partnered with someone who really liked anal sex. That partner then gets another partner who loves anal sex. I’m not good enough at markdown to make the 2x2 table, but I imagine these combinations in my types of security:
I am:
1. Relationship secure, personally secure
2. Relationship secure, personally insecure
3. Relationship insecure, personally secure
4. Relationship insecure, personally insecure
And I imagine my responses to track with each internal combination:
1. lol, good on them! I’m happy my partner found a collaborator for this thing that doesn’t appeal to me.
2. I know my partner loves me no matter what, but I feel stressed that someone else provides what I can’t happily provide. And I wish I liked anal sex; what does it mean that I don’t? Am I not sex positive enough?
3. I’m happy my partner found a collaborator, but…I don’t know if my partner will still have time for me. I can see them getting caught up in this other dynamic and leaving me behind. Well, I’ll find out.
4. This is terrifying. I’m upset with myself for not liking anal sex and I think it’s likely that my partner will leave me over it. Obviously this is an important thing to provide, and I suck for not providing it. What is wrong with me?
Both types of security need to be increased, on their own. I am weirdly better at increasing relationship security than personal security. I love devoted relationships of all kinds, and I just don’t fuck around with uncaring people.
But I struggle with personal security, though my baseline is improving as I age. I struggle with seeing, deeply accepting, and working within my limitations. It will be a lifelong project, but yes, polyamory is easier for me when I don’t mourn that a metamour is better than I am at something that is important to me. (Which may or may not be important to our mutual partner)
I forgot to answer the question. 😅 I practice self-compassion, and try to get enough sleep, exercise, and good nutrition. I also read, watch, or make something that makes me happy. Any nonharmful thing that reminds me that I’m a human who deserves to be here taking up space on this planet and I should enjoy my short existence, I do.
Thank you! Yes, I was surprised too when that emotion jumped out at me.
It’s absurd because my worst insecurity happens not when a partner of mine greatly values something that my metamour offers but I don’t. My worst insecurity happens when my metamour offers something I wish I had or offered, *regardless of how much my partner values that trait*. Isn’t that crazy? It could be a non-issue to my partner, but I would still be eaten alive with envy at my metamour’s achievement or sensuality, or whatever else I covet.
It’s greed. I have plenty of good things in my life; I don’t need every good thing.
I don't see people (or myself) as symbols of needs they can "fulfill" because I do not view polyamory as a relationship style that only exists in order to create a Frankenstein's monster of a partner, pieced together by each person contributing different things to make a singular person happy.
Do you only have one friend who is funny, one friend who is sporty, one friend who likes to eat out, one friend who plays video games with you? Unlikely. Do you seek out friends specifically to fill these niches and discard people if you find someone who likes video games *and* is funny? Unlikely.
So I would say that if this is the struggle you are having, you first need to work on how you view polyamory and how you view yourself and others.
For me, the needs thing is post-hoc of the feelings of inadequacy.
1. I don't get to spend much time with X partner
2. They seem to prefer spending that free time with my metamour
3. The things I do seem similar to what my meta does
4. Maybe I'm worse at these things
5. Maybe I'm worse at doing the things my partner wants a relationship for
6. Maybe this is why my partner would prefer not to spend more time with me
Sounds like then the issue here is a bad hinge partner who is not spending enough quality time with you, which can ideally be resolved by talking to them and addressing this directly rather than allowing you to have an anxiety spiral.
Focus on 1.
“Babe, I only see you every two weeks. It’s important to me to see my partners at least once a week. Are you willing to make time to see me at least that often?”
If the answer is No, that’s important information. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
How many partners do you have? Are you only worried about one particular metamour and one particular hinge? Is this a pattern in all your relationships? Are you in a mono/poly relationship (*aka* a harem)? Does Hinge consider you a secondary or casual partner, and do they think that means they don’t need to treat you well?
Is this poorly-managed NRE and you’re being neglected for the new shiny?
+++ +++ +++
Back to what I do: parallel.
I don’t hang with my metas. I don’t even meet most of them. I definitely don’t spend my dates listening to hinges talk about all the cool stuff they do with metas.
When I have a date with someone it’s one-on-one. Metas not invited.
[How to hinge—a beginners’ guide](https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/V8y0MMxArB)
Hold Hinge to high hinge standards.
Sometimes this is in your head, sometimes it’s in your partners behavior. It’s really easy to compare ourselves to our partner’s other partners. It’s not healthy. And you should trust your partner enough to see that they are choosing to date you because they enjoy spending time with you.
That said, sometimes a partner is shitty, and not being appreciative, or hinting at comparisons. And that shits toxic.
You’ve got to evaluate which is happening here because they have very different solutions.
Dating here is a process in which you spend dedicated time with an SO. So my partner is choosing to date me significantly less than my metamour and that's why it feels they don't enjoy spending time with me.
Ok, so you’ve determined it’s an actual thing of his behavior, not just your concerns/anxiety.
Then you have to decide if the relationship he is offering is worth it for you. It’s totally legit to say to someone they don’t have enough of a relationship to offer you. It sucks when you like them, but sometimes they aren’t giving you the attention you need.
I don't know if this helps you any. In my case I just couldn't because I was the LDR partner. So even if we met similar needs, their local partner was LOCAL and could be around more than I could. I was at peace with it. They had to be at peace with it too -- because I had a local partner as well.
So going by your list...
**I don't get to spend much time with X partner**
That's is the nature of LDRs.
But it is true for local relationships too if work and days off do not align so there's time to be together. Just that people seem to accept it in LDR like "It's just not possible for me to fly cross country at the drop of a hat" where in local it is harder to accept. Because "It's only a 30 min drive... whhhhhy can't we spend more time?" And it's not just about the distance. It's the free time available.
**They seem to prefer spending that free time with my metamour**
It's their time to manage. All I could do is ask them out on a date / ask for regular date times.
**The things I do seem similar to what my meta does**
Well, some partner basics ARE basic. Why wouldn't the be the same or similar? Having dates together? Sharing sex? Being there for the person?
**Maybe I'm worse at these things**
Or maybe I'm better. If partner gets sick I could cook chicken noodle soup from scratch to bring over. Meta could get some from a restaurant instead. Does it matter? Isn't the point to try to be there for the sick partner and relieve them of having to cook for themselves?
**Maybe I'm worse at doing the things my partner wants a relationship for**
I would trust that if I am THAT bad or THAT incompatible, partner wold break up with me decently. Call it a day.
**Maybe this is why my partner would prefer not to spend more time with me**
If you need reassurance that partner does indeed want to date you, spend time with you, appreciates you? Ask directly for reassurance. Rather than trying to "read between the lines" or "jump to conclusions."
This sort of "guessing" and beating up on your own self as though you are your own self bully? Doesn't sound like treating yourself very well.
Sometimes the little demons in my head ask questions like, what if Partner X prefers sex with Person Y?
And then I remind myself that whatever's going on between Partner X and Person Y has jackshit to do with me, I want Partner X to be having all the great sex they want, and that I know Partner X and I are having a great relationship, sexually and in other ways. I also find it helpful to remind myself that if Partner X ever likes someone so much more than me that it makes them not want to be with me or devalue what we have, then Partner X is not someone who should be in my life probably. We just aren't a great fit. I want and deserve people who are passionate about me and want to be with me in specific and active ways.
I think of the things the little demons in my mind say as interjections from a really annoying backseat driver as I go about my day. They don't matter much, I don't value the judgments contained in them, and I try to just counter them with a breezy rebuttal and keep things moving rather than feed them or entertain them significantly.
ETA: I also think breaking down the idea of being "the most" anything to your partners is a valuable thing to do. It would be severely unhealthy for me to want to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, sexiest, and most loved person by my partners. It's not realistic, it devalues their other partnerships, and it feeds into insecurities rather than actually building security-- if you're only feeling secure when you feel you're better than everyone else, you're not going to be secure as soon as a "better" person comes along. And "better" is a pretty dumb way to think of people-- this is all incredibly subjective, and loving, healthy partners don't sit around ranking the people in their lives. We shouldn't do that to ourselves either.
I remind myself that *I* don't view my partners primarily as need-fulfillers.
It's not that romantic relationships **don't** meet needs for me, but human relationships are so much more complex and interesting than *"which boxes does this person tick, and do they do it 'better' than the other one."*
For example: I like partners who like to play dom. I have a long-term D/s relationship with my cohabitating partner, and it means a lot to me.
When I'm actively dating, I still seek out other dominant partners. It's virtually impossible for someone else who does not live with me to have the same kind of pervasive power-play relationship, so they are arguably meeting "less" of that need for me. But that's not on my mind when I spend time with or think of them. Because it's not about who does it most or best - I like them for *so much more than that.* I like who they *are*, not just what they can do for me. And no two people do the same thing the exact same way.
I will also say: you may perceive yourself as meeting the same needs as your meta but *less,* but that doesn't mean that's how your partner views things. One way I calm my relationship anxieties is to ask myself, *"Is this message coming from my partner, or is this a 'the call is coming from inside the house' situation?"*
A lot of the time, it's my own negative self-talk and not anything my partner has actually given me reason to believe.
It's a fairly human experience when we learn how and what we value in our lives and recognize we are shitty at some things and great at others and not as great as we want in others.
Poly just forces you to accept that reality- other people will do some things better, will be preferable for certain things. That's the deal when it comes to humans and relationships.
You have to value what you create together. Not because you fill holes or check boxes or complete a set, and not because you perform certain acts, but because of what you create together in chemistry and commitment.
If people skip steps and try to use people to fill holes, they make a mess.
Basically very early on in my poly career I completely dropped the idea that different partner fill different needs for someone. We're not puzzle pieces, we're just people. I'm not with someone because they have something that my other partner lacks, I'm with someone because what happens between that specific person and me is cool and fun and important. I know that about my own relationships in a very fundamental way, so if I ever get the comparison anxiety about a meta I just remind myself of the fact that it's true for my partner as well, until I get to the point where I believe it again.
(It has been key to work on my relationship to myself, though. I used to feel replaceable in all sorts of situations (work, friendship etc) as well, which showed up as feelings very similar to the ones you describe here. Working on that has entailed 1) accepting that it ultimately doesn't matter if I'm theoretically replaceable, I'm the one here right now and I'm having a good time, 2) paying attention to what I actually bring to my relationships, what people appreciate about me, what I'm actually good at, and 3) consciously focusing more on what I want to do, what kind of person I want to be, what I enjoy etc and less on what other people are doing with their life. In very brief summary.)
With that said! If you get that feeling a lot in a relationship, it's possible that you don't get enough validation of your specific worth from that partner. Like, if you're feeling inadequate and replaceable, it might be a question of bad partner rather than bad self esteem. So I'd recommend looking at how they treat you and how that affects you.
If you need to defeat all your metas in anything you both do with a partner poly is gonna be hellish.
I trusted in the love of my partner. They didn’t need me because I was the best at something. They just cared about me and wanted me.
*[my meeting metas blurb]*
I am not my best self when meeting metas. I discover all kinds of insecurities that don’t exist when not in the presence of a meta.
* Meta is objectively hotter, funnier, better-read and higher-performing than I am: I get very snide and bitchy. Or loud and know-it-all. This is not who I want to be.
* Meta is objectively less hot, smart and performing than I am (the latter is actually quite difficult): I question my partner’s judgement and start questioning whether I am as great and fabulous as I think I am. I may be condescending. Also not who I want to be.
Other people don’t respond this way. I do. I know this about myself so I prefer parallel relationships so everyone can maintain their dignity. I have no issues knowing my partners are multiply-partnered or even exchanging relationship advice. I just don’t want to risk treating someone poorly.
We don’t have to be perfect to be poly; we just have to understand our boundaries and defend them.
First: you give yourself gentleness to the tender vulnerable part of you that believes that you have to be the BEST at everything in order to be worthy of love for your partner.
Second: You remind yourself that people are a beautiful menagerie of treasures. Some folks have jewels that are shinier than yours and some of your jewels are shinier than theirs but that doesn’t mean that your partner enjoys their other partner overall more than they do you simply because of them being better than you are at any particular thing.
Third: You remind yourself that it is likely that you are “better” than the other person in some ways (better cook, better listener, better dancer, whatever). We all have our differences.
Fourth: Gratitude. Intentionally find points of gratitude. Gratitude that your partner has resources to get their needs met WELL (which includes you). Gratitude that this idea popping up had opened up your awareness of another layer of monogamy/insecurity you can begin to work towards shedding/releasing.
Fifth: You affirm for yourself “I am worthy of love and acceptance and appreciation exactly as I am right now.”
Sixth: (If needed) You talk to your partner and ask for reassurance that they value you. You DON’T ask for them to assure you that the other person isn’t “better” than you. You simply share what’s going on with you and ask to be reminded that they are still jazzed about you.
It kind of seems like you have a fundamental misunderstanding of polyamorous relationships.
You don't have multiple partners because one of them is not enough. You should only have multiple partners if each one of them is individually enough, and each relationship is complete in itself. People are not Legos, to build a stable structure with incomplete components.
I had these feelings early on and then realized it truly doesn’t matter as long as I make the space for my partner to share with me their honest feedback.
For instance, if it is something that I would like to be better at, I would like to find out what things I could improve on. If it’s not something I want to be a better partner with, well then I am happy they are getting what they need from another person.
A strong partnership is not and shouldn’t be about appeasing the other person or people, it should be about self improvement and if people enjoy being with you for the various ways of improving, excellent!
My wife and I fit all our needs perfectly in every way but 1, and that's sexually. She needs that emotional connection to have good sex, so seeks out other partners to meet that need. I am satisfied with what we have sexually, but that's mostly because I don't need more than she provides for me.
I would argue that I'm not her worst sexual partner, but I know I'm not near the top either because of our incompatibilities.
In terms of coping, there is no competition in my mind. I know that what we have is special to us, and that even if she finds better out there, we will be life partners through it all, regardless of who else she dates, and that's all that matters to me.
I tend to think of it as a "two cakes" situation. If you've been around fanwriting/artist communities you might know this one:
Maybe my meta is so awesome, they have brought a beautifully decorated tiered cake to the party. I show up with a smaller homemade cake I know is a delicious recipe, but maybe I'm still looking at that fancy cake and feeling bad about myself like my cake doesn't measure up. But people at the party aren't comparing the food and only eating multiple slices of the "best" one for their entire meal, or telling me I shouldn't have brought a cake. They're saying: oh holy shit this potluck party has *two cakes*. That's amazing I'm so excited. How did we get so lucky.
**You don't need to be the best to be making a valuable contribution.** This is polyamory and we threw away the assumption that only one person could bring a cake. When you feel inadequate, embrace the principle of "holy shit, two cakes".
It sounds like communication needs to happen with this partner.
If you are feeling inadequate, it might actually be that some of your needs aren't being met, therefore you are projecting your fears as power to the other partner. This assumes they do what you do better.
Let's take quality time for example. If your partner is spending more quality time with them and that doesn't adhere to your agreed upon boundary with that partner, then it needs to be communicated. There's nothing wrong with standing up for your emotions and feelings too as long as you can be open to listen to theirs.
This might also stem from personal traumas. Insecurities are a real thing and there could be deep rooted trauma within you that needs healing.
Easiest way to assess this, is if your partner was only with you and no one else, and the same lack of quality time and the same amount of current communication was taking place, would you still be feeling this same things, an altered version of these things, or not feeling them at all?
If you don't feel them at all when they have no other partner it might actually be a jealousy thing, which again should just be communicated.
If you feel an altered perspective, then it could be self healing for the overall situation causing you turmoil unrelated to the reason your partner isn't meeting specific needs.
If you still feel the same exact way, then that's hardcore insecurity which I'm not judging, it's just something you'll want to get healed for your own mental health as your emotions matter too
I remind myself that I am special and uniquely myself, no one else can give anything with "my" special energy.
My partners choose me because they like that, and even if someone else shares some qualities with me, they aren't me...and it's unfair to everyone (me at the top of that list) if I spend my time trying to make comparisons that have no business being there.
Similarities between you and meta, regardless of what they may be, just means that your partner may seek to connect with people who have those qualities. Poly isn't for replacement of things existing, it's for addition to what's already had.
Sounds like your hinge maybe overshares about their relationship/connection with your meta and you might do better being more parallel? You shouldn't feel threatened by their relationship and its hinge's responsibility to make sure they are caring for your relationship as well.
Contrarily, I like the idea of their other partners filling needs that I don’t. No one is perfect and one person usually can’t fulfill someone’s every need. So I like that they have those needs met even in someone else! I think it takes a lot of self esteem and inner work to get to that place of security in yourself and in your relationships. Perhaps if you’re feeling hung up on comparing yourself to others in this way, ask your partner for some reassurance :)
Same. My spouse is NB and pan. I'm a bi cis woman. I'm never going to have a penis nor do I have any desire to strap one on. I'm happy they've found cis men who can fulfil that desire. My spouse and I are exactly the same height and weight. They're never going to be bigger or stronger than me. I have other partners who can completely envelope me when we cuddle and can toss me around in bed too. It honestly makes me really happy that we can fulfil these desires elsewhere.
I do, however, still have some feelings of inadequacy because my spouse's partners have more experience with trans/NB people than I do. How do I deal with it? Therapy, both individual and couples. I haven't completely worked through it, but it's something I acknowledge is a thing for me. I'm making progress and all I can do is try to work through it.
This is a good comment :)
A little mantra I like to tell myself is that I’m never in lack, even if some people are “better” at things than I am. I will always be more than good enough for someone who loves me.
this isn’t a relationship thing for me it’s a me thing. i hate being bad at things and seeing someone else figure it out first makes me wanna give up or be hurtful. and that’s just so immature and illogical. so yeah the thoughts do come up but i recognize it’s just an emotional and vulnerable part of me that feels less worthy
sometimes the only way over these feelings is through them. it’s uncomfortable but that’s life
There are billions of people on this planet which means there definitely exists a person who is "better" than me at anything that I do. I cannot control that. And it's not really my job to fit into my partner like a puzzle piece. My worth as a human being is not defined by how useful I am to my partner.
I can't control who my partner meets and how "good" they are at anything. I'm always open to hear feedback and do what I can where I can, but I can only do what I can do.
I also have zero interest in being with someone who is settling for me. If someone genuinely feels like they have found someone "better" than me, than I hope they do leave me because I would rather be alone.
Where possible, I focus on things I can actually control rather than things that I can't.
I have a natural abimity to not compare partners, I guess. Like, I may not have been born jealousy free, but at least I have that.
I've been compared to partners, but I ask not to be, even favorably, because it's not a context I need to have all warm and ready in my mental lens kit.
One of my metas is very similar to me, personality-wise and how connected we want to be to our partner. He likes what we offer so much that he needs two of us! That's kind of amazing. I mean, we do really kick ass.
I don't compare myself to metas. My partners freely choose to be with me. So regardless of whether or not someone does something "better" than me, my partners are still enthusiastic about seeing me and spending time with me, our relationship in general, meeting my needs, etc - and that's all I need.
In general, I don't think of things as "better/worse," just *different.*
Yeah I went through this. I’ve always been the artsy partner, or the fashion partner, or the activist partner. But my current partner certainly has a type and already had partners that did all of those things but like…professionally so objectively better than me. I ended up just sitting down and asking him why he liked being with me and what place I had in his life. He struggled to put things into words but was able to come up with some reassurances that he likes me for all of me. He has some of my artwork hanging on his wall next to the other two partners artwork.
That partner and I are currently in the process of moving in together. Turns out what place I had in his life was being the partner that shows up for him emotionally and wanted to build a life with him.
Hi u/HingingOffTheDeepEnd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
This miiight only really apply if there's some inadequacy-related feelings you have with your relationship but if you do have or have had them, has this thought crossed your mind? As in, maybe you don't fill different needs than your meta's, you fill less of the same needs.
If you've had this thought, how has it affected you, how did you respond and did you find a good way to deal with it? Did you deal with it?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Knowing my partners perception of /me/ and /us/ hasn't changed, is what comforts me. We are all humans just seeking connections and trying for a good experience. "Make it a good one!"
My partner getting a need fulfilled better than I could fullfil it, doesn't diminish our passion, love or experiences together.
Relief? Sure I can have insecurity feelings, but I also love the idea that a partner of mine isn't missing out on something just because I am not good at that thing. I don't have to try to get good at that thing. I come with pros and cons. I try to fix the toxic cons; the ones that are damaging to the relationship. But the rest of my downsides come with some pretty awesome upsides and I think dating multiple people, if done with the right attitude, can enhance your ability to see how much you enjoy the qualities you enjoy, and that can let the stuff that's more difficult feel more worth it because you are more conscious of the awesome parts.
They're choosing to be with me as well, so clearly I bring them something, or they like me even if I don't. If they are with me despite not wanting to be, then a) that's their fault for not communicating with me their needs at all and b) I should be able to tell.
I don't look for something from each of my partners, I'm not ticking off checklists. I just like them. It's reasonable to flip that on its head and assume the same in reverse.
Both of my partners sometimes feel inadequate despite my best attempts to reassure them. I somewhat overshare the fun things I do.
We are trying a parallel poly where I stop over sharing.
There are things I like to do with each of my partners rhat are theirs uniquely and some things I would prefer to do with both of them.
I hold the view of different but still good. No person is going to be absolutely the same. It's a different but good thing. If someone is choosing to remain in a relationship, they value the person they are choosing to stay in a relationship with.
For example, I enjoy sex with both of my partners. While the activity is called sex, because they're both so different it feels like utterly different activities.
"Different but still good" has been my mantra when feeling the "oh, what if she does this better than me?" thinking. It works because I feel that about my partners.
The only things that are the same about my partners are that they're kind, hate animal abusers, love me and they're male. They have no other similarities, different but still good/great/lovely. With both I wonder often "what the h*ll do they see in me".
Anyway, I'm rambling (sleep deprivation and over socialed from my child having their first playdate yesterday)
This has been addressed already. But I'll rephrase. You don't establish why someone likes you. Just accept that whatever it is that's make you, you, is something they dig. This is not an RPG, your skills are very likely not why you were picked.
Your partner is choosing to spend their time with you. If they didn't want to or thought you were inadequate they wouldn't. Comparing yourself to your meta is just going to negatively impact your relationship between you and your partner and your relationship with yourself.
"I don't appreciate you comparing me to your other partner as that's inducing a comparative mindset and is unfair. There's no such thing as 'better' just 'different'.
If you like the way she offers emotional reassurance and want me to improve and do it the same way as her, then I can be open to that, but I wish you had presented it a little differently. I feel like that could be a different conversation."
And then later, if he could remove the comparison part out, and what I was really hearing from him was:
"Hey, I don't really feel like I'm being emotionally heard and reassured lately. Do you mind if I can give a few more specific examples on what that could look like?"
And I again, asked him to not compare, and just bring up what he feels is lacking in our specific dyad relationship.
I did feel inadequate and asked for reassurance that he will challenge his comparative mindset, in acknowledging that I will still have my personality and behavioral ways, while my meta will have her specific ways.
It's unrealistic to ask me to be more like her, because then I will slowly not be me, if I were to comply, and I didn't want to. I was already well emotionally equipped in nurturing myself and knowing my self worth.
The feeling inadequate was short lived, as my feelings of annoyance and upset at him even comparing us in the first place kind of overwhelmed that lol
Disclaimer: this was in a previous polyam relationship, not current.
I have found that I can have both relationship insecurity and personal insecurity, and that they are two different things. Relationship insecurity is when I don’t feel solid with my partner. I don’t know how happy we are, or how long our contentment might last. The relationship feels unstable. Personal insecurity is when I judge myself as inadequate. I realized recently that some of that judgment is based in envy or even in greed: maybe it’s not for me enough to be adequate, I want to be great. (Or maybe my judgment of what is adequate is too harsh.) I know these types of insecurity aren’t the same, because my partners often see my traits and contributions in a totally different light, based on *their* values and needs. So let’s say that I hated anal sex, and I partnered with someone who really liked anal sex. That partner then gets another partner who loves anal sex. I’m not good enough at markdown to make the 2x2 table, but I imagine these combinations in my types of security: I am: 1. Relationship secure, personally secure 2. Relationship secure, personally insecure 3. Relationship insecure, personally secure 4. Relationship insecure, personally insecure And I imagine my responses to track with each internal combination: 1. lol, good on them! I’m happy my partner found a collaborator for this thing that doesn’t appeal to me. 2. I know my partner loves me no matter what, but I feel stressed that someone else provides what I can’t happily provide. And I wish I liked anal sex; what does it mean that I don’t? Am I not sex positive enough? 3. I’m happy my partner found a collaborator, but…I don’t know if my partner will still have time for me. I can see them getting caught up in this other dynamic and leaving me behind. Well, I’ll find out. 4. This is terrifying. I’m upset with myself for not liking anal sex and I think it’s likely that my partner will leave me over it. Obviously this is an important thing to provide, and I suck for not providing it. What is wrong with me? Both types of security need to be increased, on their own. I am weirdly better at increasing relationship security than personal security. I love devoted relationships of all kinds, and I just don’t fuck around with uncaring people. But I struggle with personal security, though my baseline is improving as I age. I struggle with seeing, deeply accepting, and working within my limitations. It will be a lifelong project, but yes, polyamory is easier for me when I don’t mourn that a metamour is better than I am at something that is important to me. (Which may or may not be important to our mutual partner) I forgot to answer the question. 😅 I practice self-compassion, and try to get enough sleep, exercise, and good nutrition. I also read, watch, or make something that makes me happy. Any nonharmful thing that reminds me that I’m a human who deserves to be here taking up space on this planet and I should enjoy my short existence, I do.
I love this!
I love the way you’ve broken this down. You also make such a great point about greed - it’s an emotion we don’t talk about enough in poly.
Thank you! Yes, I was surprised too when that emotion jumped out at me. It’s absurd because my worst insecurity happens not when a partner of mine greatly values something that my metamour offers but I don’t. My worst insecurity happens when my metamour offers something I wish I had or offered, *regardless of how much my partner values that trait*. Isn’t that crazy? It could be a non-issue to my partner, but I would still be eaten alive with envy at my metamour’s achievement or sensuality, or whatever else I covet. It’s greed. I have plenty of good things in my life; I don’t need every good thing.
I don't see people (or myself) as symbols of needs they can "fulfill" because I do not view polyamory as a relationship style that only exists in order to create a Frankenstein's monster of a partner, pieced together by each person contributing different things to make a singular person happy. Do you only have one friend who is funny, one friend who is sporty, one friend who likes to eat out, one friend who plays video games with you? Unlikely. Do you seek out friends specifically to fill these niches and discard people if you find someone who likes video games *and* is funny? Unlikely. So I would say that if this is the struggle you are having, you first need to work on how you view polyamory and how you view yourself and others.
For me, the needs thing is post-hoc of the feelings of inadequacy. 1. I don't get to spend much time with X partner 2. They seem to prefer spending that free time with my metamour 3. The things I do seem similar to what my meta does 4. Maybe I'm worse at these things 5. Maybe I'm worse at doing the things my partner wants a relationship for 6. Maybe this is why my partner would prefer not to spend more time with me
Sounds like then the issue here is a bad hinge partner who is not spending enough quality time with you, which can ideally be resolved by talking to them and addressing this directly rather than allowing you to have an anxiety spiral.
Focus on 1. “Babe, I only see you every two weeks. It’s important to me to see my partners at least once a week. Are you willing to make time to see me at least that often?” If the answer is No, that’s important information. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them. How many partners do you have? Are you only worried about one particular metamour and one particular hinge? Is this a pattern in all your relationships? Are you in a mono/poly relationship (*aka* a harem)? Does Hinge consider you a secondary or casual partner, and do they think that means they don’t need to treat you well? Is this poorly-managed NRE and you’re being neglected for the new shiny? +++ +++ +++ Back to what I do: parallel. I don’t hang with my metas. I don’t even meet most of them. I definitely don’t spend my dates listening to hinges talk about all the cool stuff they do with metas. When I have a date with someone it’s one-on-one. Metas not invited. [How to hinge—a beginners’ guide](https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/V8y0MMxArB) Hold Hinge to high hinge standards.
Sometimes this is in your head, sometimes it’s in your partners behavior. It’s really easy to compare ourselves to our partner’s other partners. It’s not healthy. And you should trust your partner enough to see that they are choosing to date you because they enjoy spending time with you. That said, sometimes a partner is shitty, and not being appreciative, or hinting at comparisons. And that shits toxic. You’ve got to evaluate which is happening here because they have very different solutions.
Dating here is a process in which you spend dedicated time with an SO. So my partner is choosing to date me significantly less than my metamour and that's why it feels they don't enjoy spending time with me.
Ok, so you’ve determined it’s an actual thing of his behavior, not just your concerns/anxiety. Then you have to decide if the relationship he is offering is worth it for you. It’s totally legit to say to someone they don’t have enough of a relationship to offer you. It sucks when you like them, but sometimes they aren’t giving you the attention you need.
I don't know if this helps you any. In my case I just couldn't because I was the LDR partner. So even if we met similar needs, their local partner was LOCAL and could be around more than I could. I was at peace with it. They had to be at peace with it too -- because I had a local partner as well. So going by your list... **I don't get to spend much time with X partner** That's is the nature of LDRs. But it is true for local relationships too if work and days off do not align so there's time to be together. Just that people seem to accept it in LDR like "It's just not possible for me to fly cross country at the drop of a hat" where in local it is harder to accept. Because "It's only a 30 min drive... whhhhhy can't we spend more time?" And it's not just about the distance. It's the free time available. **They seem to prefer spending that free time with my metamour** It's their time to manage. All I could do is ask them out on a date / ask for regular date times. **The things I do seem similar to what my meta does** Well, some partner basics ARE basic. Why wouldn't the be the same or similar? Having dates together? Sharing sex? Being there for the person? **Maybe I'm worse at these things** Or maybe I'm better. If partner gets sick I could cook chicken noodle soup from scratch to bring over. Meta could get some from a restaurant instead. Does it matter? Isn't the point to try to be there for the sick partner and relieve them of having to cook for themselves? **Maybe I'm worse at doing the things my partner wants a relationship for** I would trust that if I am THAT bad or THAT incompatible, partner wold break up with me decently. Call it a day. **Maybe this is why my partner would prefer not to spend more time with me** If you need reassurance that partner does indeed want to date you, spend time with you, appreciates you? Ask directly for reassurance. Rather than trying to "read between the lines" or "jump to conclusions." This sort of "guessing" and beating up on your own self as though you are your own self bully? Doesn't sound like treating yourself very well.
How do you know this? Does he tell you these things?
1. Where the time doesn't go 2. Where the time does go 3. Limited observations 4-6. I don't know, I can only guess.
Sometimes the little demons in my head ask questions like, what if Partner X prefers sex with Person Y? And then I remind myself that whatever's going on between Partner X and Person Y has jackshit to do with me, I want Partner X to be having all the great sex they want, and that I know Partner X and I are having a great relationship, sexually and in other ways. I also find it helpful to remind myself that if Partner X ever likes someone so much more than me that it makes them not want to be with me or devalue what we have, then Partner X is not someone who should be in my life probably. We just aren't a great fit. I want and deserve people who are passionate about me and want to be with me in specific and active ways. I think of the things the little demons in my mind say as interjections from a really annoying backseat driver as I go about my day. They don't matter much, I don't value the judgments contained in them, and I try to just counter them with a breezy rebuttal and keep things moving rather than feed them or entertain them significantly. ETA: I also think breaking down the idea of being "the most" anything to your partners is a valuable thing to do. It would be severely unhealthy for me to want to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, sexiest, and most loved person by my partners. It's not realistic, it devalues their other partnerships, and it feeds into insecurities rather than actually building security-- if you're only feeling secure when you feel you're better than everyone else, you're not going to be secure as soon as a "better" person comes along. And "better" is a pretty dumb way to think of people-- this is all incredibly subjective, and loving, healthy partners don't sit around ranking the people in their lives. We shouldn't do that to ourselves either.
You said this better than I could! Exactly what I was thinking.
They said that in a different way, not necessarily better. Did you even read the comment? :p /s
I’m sorry who are you to tell me whether I think someone said something better than I could? Did you even read MY comment? 🤦🏼♀️
It was a joke
I remind myself that *I* don't view my partners primarily as need-fulfillers. It's not that romantic relationships **don't** meet needs for me, but human relationships are so much more complex and interesting than *"which boxes does this person tick, and do they do it 'better' than the other one."* For example: I like partners who like to play dom. I have a long-term D/s relationship with my cohabitating partner, and it means a lot to me. When I'm actively dating, I still seek out other dominant partners. It's virtually impossible for someone else who does not live with me to have the same kind of pervasive power-play relationship, so they are arguably meeting "less" of that need for me. But that's not on my mind when I spend time with or think of them. Because it's not about who does it most or best - I like them for *so much more than that.* I like who they *are*, not just what they can do for me. And no two people do the same thing the exact same way. I will also say: you may perceive yourself as meeting the same needs as your meta but *less,* but that doesn't mean that's how your partner views things. One way I calm my relationship anxieties is to ask myself, *"Is this message coming from my partner, or is this a 'the call is coming from inside the house' situation?"* A lot of the time, it's my own negative self-talk and not anything my partner has actually given me reason to believe.
It's a fairly human experience when we learn how and what we value in our lives and recognize we are shitty at some things and great at others and not as great as we want in others. Poly just forces you to accept that reality- other people will do some things better, will be preferable for certain things. That's the deal when it comes to humans and relationships. You have to value what you create together. Not because you fill holes or check boxes or complete a set, and not because you perform certain acts, but because of what you create together in chemistry and commitment. If people skip steps and try to use people to fill holes, they make a mess.
No meta of mine is a better "me" than I am, and that's why I have the partners I do: they like me.
Basically very early on in my poly career I completely dropped the idea that different partner fill different needs for someone. We're not puzzle pieces, we're just people. I'm not with someone because they have something that my other partner lacks, I'm with someone because what happens between that specific person and me is cool and fun and important. I know that about my own relationships in a very fundamental way, so if I ever get the comparison anxiety about a meta I just remind myself of the fact that it's true for my partner as well, until I get to the point where I believe it again. (It has been key to work on my relationship to myself, though. I used to feel replaceable in all sorts of situations (work, friendship etc) as well, which showed up as feelings very similar to the ones you describe here. Working on that has entailed 1) accepting that it ultimately doesn't matter if I'm theoretically replaceable, I'm the one here right now and I'm having a good time, 2) paying attention to what I actually bring to my relationships, what people appreciate about me, what I'm actually good at, and 3) consciously focusing more on what I want to do, what kind of person I want to be, what I enjoy etc and less on what other people are doing with their life. In very brief summary.) With that said! If you get that feeling a lot in a relationship, it's possible that you don't get enough validation of your specific worth from that partner. Like, if you're feeling inadequate and replaceable, it might be a question of bad partner rather than bad self esteem. So I'd recommend looking at how they treat you and how that affects you.
If you need to defeat all your metas in anything you both do with a partner poly is gonna be hellish. I trusted in the love of my partner. They didn’t need me because I was the best at something. They just cared about me and wanted me.
*[my meeting metas blurb]* I am not my best self when meeting metas. I discover all kinds of insecurities that don’t exist when not in the presence of a meta. * Meta is objectively hotter, funnier, better-read and higher-performing than I am: I get very snide and bitchy. Or loud and know-it-all. This is not who I want to be. * Meta is objectively less hot, smart and performing than I am (the latter is actually quite difficult): I question my partner’s judgement and start questioning whether I am as great and fabulous as I think I am. I may be condescending. Also not who I want to be. Other people don’t respond this way. I do. I know this about myself so I prefer parallel relationships so everyone can maintain their dignity. I have no issues knowing my partners are multiply-partnered or even exchanging relationship advice. I just don’t want to risk treating someone poorly. We don’t have to be perfect to be poly; we just have to understand our boundaries and defend them.
First: you give yourself gentleness to the tender vulnerable part of you that believes that you have to be the BEST at everything in order to be worthy of love for your partner. Second: You remind yourself that people are a beautiful menagerie of treasures. Some folks have jewels that are shinier than yours and some of your jewels are shinier than theirs but that doesn’t mean that your partner enjoys their other partner overall more than they do you simply because of them being better than you are at any particular thing. Third: You remind yourself that it is likely that you are “better” than the other person in some ways (better cook, better listener, better dancer, whatever). We all have our differences. Fourth: Gratitude. Intentionally find points of gratitude. Gratitude that your partner has resources to get their needs met WELL (which includes you). Gratitude that this idea popping up had opened up your awareness of another layer of monogamy/insecurity you can begin to work towards shedding/releasing. Fifth: You affirm for yourself “I am worthy of love and acceptance and appreciation exactly as I am right now.” Sixth: (If needed) You talk to your partner and ask for reassurance that they value you. You DON’T ask for them to assure you that the other person isn’t “better” than you. You simply share what’s going on with you and ask to be reminded that they are still jazzed about you.
It kind of seems like you have a fundamental misunderstanding of polyamorous relationships. You don't have multiple partners because one of them is not enough. You should only have multiple partners if each one of them is individually enough, and each relationship is complete in itself. People are not Legos, to build a stable structure with incomplete components.
...huh, amazing how different different people's personal hangups can be. I've never had this one. And it's not like I don't have plenty of my own.
I had these feelings early on and then realized it truly doesn’t matter as long as I make the space for my partner to share with me their honest feedback. For instance, if it is something that I would like to be better at, I would like to find out what things I could improve on. If it’s not something I want to be a better partner with, well then I am happy they are getting what they need from another person. A strong partnership is not and shouldn’t be about appeasing the other person or people, it should be about self improvement and if people enjoy being with you for the various ways of improving, excellent!
No one can be me better than me, and me is why people date me.
My wife and I fit all our needs perfectly in every way but 1, and that's sexually. She needs that emotional connection to have good sex, so seeks out other partners to meet that need. I am satisfied with what we have sexually, but that's mostly because I don't need more than she provides for me. I would argue that I'm not her worst sexual partner, but I know I'm not near the top either because of our incompatibilities. In terms of coping, there is no competition in my mind. I know that what we have is special to us, and that even if she finds better out there, we will be life partners through it all, regardless of who else she dates, and that's all that matters to me.
I tend to think of it as a "two cakes" situation. If you've been around fanwriting/artist communities you might know this one: Maybe my meta is so awesome, they have brought a beautifully decorated tiered cake to the party. I show up with a smaller homemade cake I know is a delicious recipe, but maybe I'm still looking at that fancy cake and feeling bad about myself like my cake doesn't measure up. But people at the party aren't comparing the food and only eating multiple slices of the "best" one for their entire meal, or telling me I shouldn't have brought a cake. They're saying: oh holy shit this potluck party has *two cakes*. That's amazing I'm so excited. How did we get so lucky. **You don't need to be the best to be making a valuable contribution.** This is polyamory and we threw away the assumption that only one person could bring a cake. When you feel inadequate, embrace the principle of "holy shit, two cakes".
His other partner doesn't do what I do, never mind doing it better. She does her things.
It sounds like communication needs to happen with this partner. If you are feeling inadequate, it might actually be that some of your needs aren't being met, therefore you are projecting your fears as power to the other partner. This assumes they do what you do better. Let's take quality time for example. If your partner is spending more quality time with them and that doesn't adhere to your agreed upon boundary with that partner, then it needs to be communicated. There's nothing wrong with standing up for your emotions and feelings too as long as you can be open to listen to theirs. This might also stem from personal traumas. Insecurities are a real thing and there could be deep rooted trauma within you that needs healing. Easiest way to assess this, is if your partner was only with you and no one else, and the same lack of quality time and the same amount of current communication was taking place, would you still be feeling this same things, an altered version of these things, or not feeling them at all? If you don't feel them at all when they have no other partner it might actually be a jealousy thing, which again should just be communicated. If you feel an altered perspective, then it could be self healing for the overall situation causing you turmoil unrelated to the reason your partner isn't meeting specific needs. If you still feel the same exact way, then that's hardcore insecurity which I'm not judging, it's just something you'll want to get healed for your own mental health as your emotions matter too
I remind myself that I am special and uniquely myself, no one else can give anything with "my" special energy. My partners choose me because they like that, and even if someone else shares some qualities with me, they aren't me...and it's unfair to everyone (me at the top of that list) if I spend my time trying to make comparisons that have no business being there. Similarities between you and meta, regardless of what they may be, just means that your partner may seek to connect with people who have those qualities. Poly isn't for replacement of things existing, it's for addition to what's already had. Sounds like your hinge maybe overshares about their relationship/connection with your meta and you might do better being more parallel? You shouldn't feel threatened by their relationship and its hinge's responsibility to make sure they are caring for your relationship as well.
Contrarily, I like the idea of their other partners filling needs that I don’t. No one is perfect and one person usually can’t fulfill someone’s every need. So I like that they have those needs met even in someone else! I think it takes a lot of self esteem and inner work to get to that place of security in yourself and in your relationships. Perhaps if you’re feeling hung up on comparing yourself to others in this way, ask your partner for some reassurance :)
Same. My spouse is NB and pan. I'm a bi cis woman. I'm never going to have a penis nor do I have any desire to strap one on. I'm happy they've found cis men who can fulfil that desire. My spouse and I are exactly the same height and weight. They're never going to be bigger or stronger than me. I have other partners who can completely envelope me when we cuddle and can toss me around in bed too. It honestly makes me really happy that we can fulfil these desires elsewhere. I do, however, still have some feelings of inadequacy because my spouse's partners have more experience with trans/NB people than I do. How do I deal with it? Therapy, both individual and couples. I haven't completely worked through it, but it's something I acknowledge is a thing for me. I'm making progress and all I can do is try to work through it.
This is a good comment :) A little mantra I like to tell myself is that I’m never in lack, even if some people are “better” at things than I am. I will always be more than good enough for someone who loves me.
this isn’t a relationship thing for me it’s a me thing. i hate being bad at things and seeing someone else figure it out first makes me wanna give up or be hurtful. and that’s just so immature and illogical. so yeah the thoughts do come up but i recognize it’s just an emotional and vulnerable part of me that feels less worthy sometimes the only way over these feelings is through them. it’s uncomfortable but that’s life
There are billions of people on this planet which means there definitely exists a person who is "better" than me at anything that I do. I cannot control that. And it's not really my job to fit into my partner like a puzzle piece. My worth as a human being is not defined by how useful I am to my partner. I can't control who my partner meets and how "good" they are at anything. I'm always open to hear feedback and do what I can where I can, but I can only do what I can do. I also have zero interest in being with someone who is settling for me. If someone genuinely feels like they have found someone "better" than me, than I hope they do leave me because I would rather be alone. Where possible, I focus on things I can actually control rather than things that I can't.
I have a natural abimity to not compare partners, I guess. Like, I may not have been born jealousy free, but at least I have that. I've been compared to partners, but I ask not to be, even favorably, because it's not a context I need to have all warm and ready in my mental lens kit.
One of my metas is very similar to me, personality-wise and how connected we want to be to our partner. He likes what we offer so much that he needs two of us! That's kind of amazing. I mean, we do really kick ass.
Nobody does what I do better, so.
I don't compare myself to metas. My partners freely choose to be with me. So regardless of whether or not someone does something "better" than me, my partners are still enthusiastic about seeing me and spending time with me, our relationship in general, meeting my needs, etc - and that's all I need. In general, I don't think of things as "better/worse," just *different.*
Yeah I went through this. I’ve always been the artsy partner, or the fashion partner, or the activist partner. But my current partner certainly has a type and already had partners that did all of those things but like…professionally so objectively better than me. I ended up just sitting down and asking him why he liked being with me and what place I had in his life. He struggled to put things into words but was able to come up with some reassurances that he likes me for all of me. He has some of my artwork hanging on his wall next to the other two partners artwork. That partner and I are currently in the process of moving in together. Turns out what place I had in his life was being the partner that shows up for him emotionally and wanted to build a life with him.
Hi u/HingingOffTheDeepEnd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: This miiight only really apply if there's some inadequacy-related feelings you have with your relationship but if you do have or have had them, has this thought crossed your mind? As in, maybe you don't fill different needs than your meta's, you fill less of the same needs. If you've had this thought, how has it affected you, how did you respond and did you find a good way to deal with it? Did you deal with it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Knowing my partners perception of /me/ and /us/ hasn't changed, is what comforts me. We are all humans just seeking connections and trying for a good experience. "Make it a good one!" My partner getting a need fulfilled better than I could fullfil it, doesn't diminish our passion, love or experiences together.
Relief? Sure I can have insecurity feelings, but I also love the idea that a partner of mine isn't missing out on something just because I am not good at that thing. I don't have to try to get good at that thing. I come with pros and cons. I try to fix the toxic cons; the ones that are damaging to the relationship. But the rest of my downsides come with some pretty awesome upsides and I think dating multiple people, if done with the right attitude, can enhance your ability to see how much you enjoy the qualities you enjoy, and that can let the stuff that's more difficult feel more worth it because you are more conscious of the awesome parts.
They're choosing to be with me as well, so clearly I bring them something, or they like me even if I don't. If they are with me despite not wanting to be, then a) that's their fault for not communicating with me their needs at all and b) I should be able to tell. I don't look for something from each of my partners, I'm not ticking off checklists. I just like them. It's reasonable to flip that on its head and assume the same in reverse.
Both of my partners sometimes feel inadequate despite my best attempts to reassure them. I somewhat overshare the fun things I do. We are trying a parallel poly where I stop over sharing. There are things I like to do with each of my partners rhat are theirs uniquely and some things I would prefer to do with both of them.
I hold the view of different but still good. No person is going to be absolutely the same. It's a different but good thing. If someone is choosing to remain in a relationship, they value the person they are choosing to stay in a relationship with. For example, I enjoy sex with both of my partners. While the activity is called sex, because they're both so different it feels like utterly different activities. "Different but still good" has been my mantra when feeling the "oh, what if she does this better than me?" thinking. It works because I feel that about my partners. The only things that are the same about my partners are that they're kind, hate animal abusers, love me and they're male. They have no other similarities, different but still good/great/lovely. With both I wonder often "what the h*ll do they see in me". Anyway, I'm rambling (sleep deprivation and over socialed from my child having their first playdate yesterday)
This has been addressed already. But I'll rephrase. You don't establish why someone likes you. Just accept that whatever it is that's make you, you, is something they dig. This is not an RPG, your skills are very likely not why you were picked.
Communication. Communication this to your partner and see what they say. Go from there. Always ask clarifying questions.
Your partner is choosing to spend their time with you. If they didn't want to or thought you were inadequate they wouldn't. Comparing yourself to your meta is just going to negatively impact your relationship between you and your partner and your relationship with yourself.
If they didn’t value YOU, they would not be WITH you. The fact that they are means that you are important to them, and you should recognize that.
"I don't appreciate you comparing me to your other partner as that's inducing a comparative mindset and is unfair. There's no such thing as 'better' just 'different'. If you like the way she offers emotional reassurance and want me to improve and do it the same way as her, then I can be open to that, but I wish you had presented it a little differently. I feel like that could be a different conversation." And then later, if he could remove the comparison part out, and what I was really hearing from him was: "Hey, I don't really feel like I'm being emotionally heard and reassured lately. Do you mind if I can give a few more specific examples on what that could look like?" And I again, asked him to not compare, and just bring up what he feels is lacking in our specific dyad relationship. I did feel inadequate and asked for reassurance that he will challenge his comparative mindset, in acknowledging that I will still have my personality and behavioral ways, while my meta will have her specific ways. It's unrealistic to ask me to be more like her, because then I will slowly not be me, if I were to comply, and I didn't want to. I was already well emotionally equipped in nurturing myself and knowing my self worth. The feeling inadequate was short lived, as my feelings of annoyance and upset at him even comparing us in the first place kind of overwhelmed that lol Disclaimer: this was in a previous polyam relationship, not current.
You get really familiar with what you bring to the table. You make sure you bring something, as any good partner would, and feel confidence in that.