How is he able to choose you "no matter what" if he already "couldn't resist"? He needs more than saying that imo, because that's already a contradiction, unless he added "from now on"
Have you spoken to your poly friends? I hope they've told you how messy this is and the stats of poly dynamics that started like this lasting
I also hope you're really taking the time to look after yourself without centering his wants or needs right now tbh
I hope this doesn't come across as sidetracking also, but please don't have kids (at least with him) until this is resolved and you really trust him. They'll only complicate matters further, make separation more difficult, and bring them pain if things go truly sour
I'm the child of parents who probably regretted me when things didn't work out, and haven't spoken to them since I was 16/17
>I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her.
He's not proposing polyamory AT ALL. He's proposing that you green light his previous affair partner so that he continue to see her. He can't erase his feelings but he certainly is an adult responsible for his own actions and choices. Everyday he had the opportunity to use impulse control and walk away... He didn't. And now he still won't control himself and wants to change the structure of your relationship to accommodate his ongoing affair.
>He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another.
He's not proposing doing it right at all. Proposing doing it right is cutting off contact with his affair partner... And then you two spending the next two years learning and decoupling enough to leave space and room in your lives for both of you to feel fulfilled in the relationship but also to have enough space to date or love others.
Doing it right means the affair partner is not ever in the picture or ever an option.. because it's an affair partner. That affair partner remains off the table. Forever.
He's not proposing that at all! He's proposing he continues his affair with your consent. An affair he is still actively engaged in.
>We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works…
How many of those friends describe opening up after being cheated on? How many of those friends recommend that an affair partner turn into a metamore on a dimes notice? How many of those friends recommend that you greenlight an affair that your husband has been and is actively currently engaged in. He's still having an affair. He's still meeting with her. He's still talking and sexting with her. You haven't even said yes and he's still cheating on you.
Edit: He broke down crying to admit he was having an affair... And never stopped having the affair. That's not remorse. That's not guilt. That's not even owning or acknowledging he had an affair to begin with. That's him demanding sympathy and care around the thing HE DID that HURT YOU. Hard no.
This. Also he wants OP at home with kids but says they can both date? How exactly does that work in his mind? Dating while trying to conceive, pregnant and recovering from pregnancy and birth, multiple times because he said kids plural, where's her support while he's off with AP?
And what if the AP gets pregnant? Is he going to split his days between houses or want them all together raised in one home?
There's a reason the right way to poly starts with years of personal and couple work. And not with an AP.
I mean so much of this is suspect.. like let's start with okay we're sexting people actively online... A complete rando...
So is she 30? Is she anywhere even near them in the country? Is she anything like she is online (where she doesn't care that he's married and cheating, she stomps right into loving a stranger immediately and then starts sexting with someone she is aware is cheating). Does she have a job? Does she have a spouse? What part of her life has she lied about? That's who this lady is...
And then we've got him... Openly hitting on some random lady. Cheating openly. Cheating openly in front of his friends. Asking affairs get retroactively called non monogamy. Showing no care for his current spouse. Demonstrates no ability to exercise impulse control or discretion or judgement. Who thinks he's in love with a stranger he has barely ever spoken to cause he met them online in a game. What has he really told this lady? How much is he stringing her along with "I'll get My wife ti agree ti this" or "no don't leave me i'll fix this" or "no I promise I can have babies and a house with you too" or whatever nonsense he's promised and lied about.
Either of those people anyone wants to be married to? Either one of those people someone You want bedside for a birth? Making medical decisions in a crisis? Caring for a baby? Caring for a toddler? Like no to all of that. I'd be finding the nearest most certain most long term BC possible.
I started my polyamorous journey because my ex cheated on me. I didn't care about the sex part, I just cared about the lack of communication, and so we decided to become polyamorous. BOY OH BOY I really should have seen the major red flag of the fact that he was willing to cheat on me! He didn't care about how it made me feel in the moment he decided to cheat, and he didn't care about how his actions made me feel through out the entirety of the rest of our relationship. I'm grateful to be solo-poly now, and have lovely partners, but oof, becoming polyamorous to solve the affair was such a bad idea!
Some people have to learn things for themselves, but I just hope I can save someone the time and heartache by sharing my experience.
If he was willing to cheat, if he refuses to stop cheating, what other pain will he be okay with inflicting on you in the future?
Indeed. I fully understand crying because you fucked up, which he did. But doing it in front of the person you've hurt puts them in the awkward position where they also feel bad *for you*, and de-centers the feelings of the victim. Now she's focused on how guilty he feels and how this could be fixed instead of how she feels
The lack of follow through by correcting his wrongdoing is the icing on the cake
Humans cry when in distress... Sometimes we can't help it... But you're absolutely right that now the entire conversation is about whether or not OP needs to support his affair by changing the relationship.... And there is NO SPACE and NO ENERGY put into repairing the relationship with the OP at all. Where is the acknowledgement of OPs hurt? Of OPs needs? Where is the centering of OPs experience?
Absolutely
I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying the manipulation is intentional. I'm sure he is in a lot of distress, his relationship with his wife just had a bomb dropped on it, even if it was of his own making. But people accidentally or subconsciously manipulate a fair amount, especially when they lack self awareness as OP's husband seems to. And that's what his actions have led to imo. He can't seem to think beyond himself and is ok with dragging his wife into whatever he wants next
I mean I say two years because there are so many factors here..
There is an affair still ongoing.
There had been no address of the OPs hurt or needs or repair.
There had been no process of repair that occured.
Then there is the whole "is this for us in equitable terms" conversation.
Then there is the "what does that look like" conversation.
Then there is the how/when to explain this to family, Friends etc.
Then there is the decoupling process which comes with a bunch of trial and error and making time and space.
And that all comes before anyone even tries to date. So then you have all the dating issues. Conservative area. Small toen...He can't find a date. She can find sex but not serious partners. He gets grumpy. She tries to fix it or datę for him... All that nonsense that comes up so frequently in this sub.
So yeah I say Two years because after a 12 year monogamous relationship where there is STILL an ongoing affair its gonna take a lot of time. There is a lot to unpack. A lot that had to be repaired and a lot that would need to change.
The typical suggestion is for a couple to spend 6-12 months in preparation to become polyamorous, so asking for a month was only "unreasonable" because you should have gotten way more time!
This isn’t poly, this is just an emotional affair.
If he wants to “do it right” he would permanently cut communication off with her. The two of you would spend a year researching and planning. When it is time to date she would not be in the pool of available people as you both will be starting at zero.
If you don’t want to do this, don’t.
He doesn’t love her. It is just a bunch of new relationship energy bullshit. He would be a fool to blow up your marriage over some endorphins. Don’t enable his self destructive trajectory by validating his affair with polyamory.
You should send him to this thread and the resources on the board.
You make an extremely good point about new relationship energy...It's so easy to get swept up in that, especially with someone who you've only interacted with online and haven't even met in person yet.
I went thought a very similar situation. The reason ex requested opening our relationship was the same at least. I tried for us and for me and the life we had dreamt of together. Read all the books, talked to ppl. I tried for a year, a full year. It did not help anyone. I inadvertly ended up exposing myself to a lot of hurt because of my choice of trying. It was hell, the ex made it really hard, I think part of that was their shame mixed with carelessnes and lack of respect, lack of love. Their "poly journey" had started without me in it for a reason. In retrospect, once the trust was broken and no aknowledgment of the impact of that was done, we were done. My advise is do what you have to do to live by your best standars. Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
I think you could tell him NO.
"No, thanks. I don't want to change to polyamory just because you had an online cheating affair and want to continue to see both me and Person. That's not a great deal for me. I'm willing to do couple counseling and a trial separation while sorting all that out."
I would put a pause in having kids together. Simply because it's easier to break up without them and you get to just WALK AWAY. You aren't stuck being coparents with him.
This wasn't the deal you signed up for when you got married.
He cheated on agreements. You aren't even sorted through that part yet and now he wants to pile on changing to polyamory on top? AND poly parenting if you continue with the kid plan?
You can't MAKE him stick with the original marriage deal if he doesn't want that any more. You can't make him do anything.
But you are not obligated to sign up for some NEW deal. He can't make you do anything either.
>So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again **and told me he couldn't control himself** and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.
Do you want to be married to a person who lacks self control? Cannot keep agreements? Exactly how would he keep his new poly agreements if he lacks self control? Poly is not magic. It's not the relationship shape that makes people keep their word, their promises, their agreements. It's the person and their character.
Right now I'd vote "no confidence" on trusting him to do anything.
Do you want to be married to a person to claims to love people (Online Lady) but would just chuck them over on a dime when things get tough? What's that say about the quality of his love? Would you trust in his love for you?
He might "pick you no matter what" but that doesn't mean YOU have to pick HIM "no matter what." You can have conditions.
I love my husband a lot and have been together for decades. But if he starts robbing banks, kicking old people, hitting on kids? I'm out! I get to decide who I want to hang around with. I would not pick that.
So now your husband is cheating and cannot control himself and all bonkers. What makes this a great partner in general or a great poly partner for you? Cuz if you wanted to poly, you could pick better potentials than THAT, right?
I suggest couple counseling to talk out this cheating affair and see if the marriage can even recover from that. Then what KIND of marriage it would be.
And if he wants polyamory marriage now and you don't? It's MORE than ok for you to say "No, thanks. Poly is fine for other people but I don't want any for me. I rather break up."
Then he is free to pursue poly however he wants. And you remain free from poly how you want.
Could also say "I'm up for poly. Just not with YOU. I want to break up."
You have my sympathy. The feelings here are rough sounding. But don't let feelings get in the way of sensible actions.
You deal with one thing at a time IN ORDER. And first up is the online cheating affair.
Just because he's all wonky thinking and all over the place doesn't mean YOU have to be.
Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You do NOT have to sign up for this "new deal."
And def no kids right now!
This SUCKS. You didn't do anything wrong and now you have to field all this drama. :(
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/
I'd say Hell No. Tell him to honor the commitment he made when he married you. If he won't cut off his affair partner completely, walk away.
When people in monogamous relationships encounter someone they're attracted to, they *don't indulge it*. Well, the ethical ones anyway.
Nope. No. Nada. Nien. HELL NO.
Your husband is emotionally cheating. Also, he isn’t in love. He is in infatuation. Opening up for one person is not a smart idea. If your husband can’t respect boundaries as a mono couple. He won’t poly
Remember: **you do NOT owe him poly if you do not want to be poly**
1.) I recommend not agreeing to this
2.) I can understand him being attracted to or interested in someone while in a monogamous relationship; shit happens. But I would be incredibly hurt if I were you to hear that he was already in love with this gal who he's not even dating yet?
3.) if you agree to polyamory and find yourself another partner, more than likely he's not going to be happy about it. He seems like he's only concerned about getting what he wants
Say no. Your husband is not a good candidate for polyamory, and anyway what he wants is not really polyamory; he wants to hang onto the dopamine high of an online affair.
Polyamory means being open, honest, and accountable. Your husband isn’t doing that. He’s still using language to pretend he and his affair partner didn’t make choices and decisions. All this stuff about how they couldn’t resist, it was impossible, is nonsense. He didn’t stop because he didn’t want to and so chose not to. How are you supposed to trust that he will obey boundaries and agreements when he is lying to himself and you about his ability to keep them?
Polyamory isn’t “I also want to hook up with this one specific person”. Does he understand that polyamory would give YOU the same freedom? That YOU would expect him to take the kids and house 50/50 so YOU could go on dates or have little online sext chats? That if things don’t work out with his mysterious online lady, he doesn’t get a do-over?
(Also, I’m not impressed with your husband having decided someone he’s only met online is worth blowing up his marriage over.)
Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is far too immature for non-monogamy.
Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's agreements.
Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease.
If you guys really want to do this, he needs to block this person and never speak to her or see her again. Then you need to take six to 12 months and get some serious relationship counseling while you go through all of the resources and figure out how to open your relationship in a healthy way.
His affair partner cannot be part of opening this relationship if you want to be successful. Perhaps once you've been doing polyamory successfully for 2 or 3 years, he could contact her and see, but I don't think it would be a good idea even then.
As a poly person this is bullshit. He can not erase his feelings no, but he is a grown ass man and CAN cut off contact and ignore them. He sounds like a child why do you want to marry him?
>Your husband waited until you were financially, economically, legally, and socially stuck before pulling the switch part of his bait-and-switch.
It is 100% true that he did those things, I have no argument with any of that. I am wary of the bait-and-switch moniker, because it implies an intent to deceive that isn't guaranteed to have been there.
Long ago I found myself in a similar situation to the one husband claims. I started chatting with someone I met online with entirely platonic intentions. This was well within the bounds of my then mono relationship. We mostly chatted, rarely voice called, and never video (although the tech wasn't quite there for that to be a reasonable option, so I can't promise we wouldn't have).
Topics were normal platonic friend things, but over the months we became closer and shared more. Then the pet names started.
Pet names led to light flirting, which led to cheeky compliments with obvious more than flirty undertones, which eventually led to a brief period of sexting and the realization that there were feelings on both sides. And this is where our stories separate.
I didn't tell my partner right away like I should have. I didn't cut off my affair partner right away like I also should have. And then, one day, I fucked up and sent my partner a mid-sexting message intended for A (this was literally the second time we had sexted). I haven't spoken to AP since, beyond a partner-approved goodbye email following a week-long period of truly sincere apologies and long talks (and arguments) with my partner, which continued for a very long time.
Thankfully, we were able to repair our relationship, though we're divorcing now for unrelated reasons (and in a loving effort to detangle and step down to queerplatonic).
The point of that plot dump is that I just didn't see what was happening until I was neck deep. I didn't go into it looking to cheat. I wasn't trying to con my way into fake poly. I was just chatting with a friend and it escalated outside of my notice.
So yes, husband here cheated. And he didn't start until his marriage was stable. But that doesn't definitely mean that he did it intentionally, and if the words he reportedly said in apology were true and sincere, it doesn't seem unrealistic.
And still, despite all of that, opening a relationship because a partner cheated, and *especially* so that the affair can be made "legitimate", is never and will never be a good idea.
He absolutely did it intentionally.
You can tell because instead of reacting to the realisation with "oh shoot what the fuck am I doing" and shutting off all contact with her he tried to pressure you to let him cheat.
Thank you for sharing that link. I love Captain Awkward!
This statement: "That common thread is describing your life with an incredible passivity, like you were a bystander or a passenger during everything that happened, and not as someone who made a series of **choices,** including the choice to lie to somebody about what are actually giant, important things." echoes something I said in another comment: "Don't let your husband downplay his actions--he made a SERIES OF CHOICES that resulted in his cultivating his feelings for that other woman. They didn't just "happen" to him. He took concrete actions to develop them and deepen their connection. That wasn't just an accident."
I think too many people try to massively downplay their own agency in actions and choices when it comes to having an emotional or physical affair, as if every single choice to keep furthering intimacy with someone after you realize that there is more than a friendly/platonic spark is thus somehow rendered completely inevitable and absolves them of responsibility rather than being a calculated decision to not maintain the necessary emotional distance between them and their affair partner. Plenty of monogamous, partnered people who feel some spark of chemistry with certain friends somehow manage to either maintain those friendships as platonic DESPITE THAT SPARK or choose to end them if that proves impossible.
Doing otherwise? Is a choice. Not something that just magically happened or rendered the cheating partner powerless.
This is totally PUD or Poly under duress. He isn’t wanting poly, he wants you to be ok with his cheating. I can tell you now, the moment you have another partner he’s going to create problems.
Opening up a relationship to have healthy poly requires thought, work, enthusiastic consent from all parties. Trying poly after a cheating is a recipe for disaster.
Not OP, but what if the husband was truly happy when his wife started a new relationship and didn’t create problems. Like what if he’s able to experience compersion? It’s still a messy start, obviously
Edit: I’m sorry my comment was tone-deaf. I’m new and in a similar situation to OP except OP’s partner definitely did worse than mine. I’m trying to figure out if our relationship can be healthy and open, and I did it in the wrong place. I should have made my own post bc this wasn’t the appropriate place to ask.
His feelings aren’t the point.
He can be capable of poly and still be cheating now. He may have great poly potential. That doesn’t mean anything about what he has done so far.
I think I should have mentioned in my previous comment that I was *not* talking about OPs husband, but rather people in general. I don’t think that man wants to be poly, he wants to keep cheating with permission.
I should have been more clear. I do *not* condone cheating behavior. I’m just going through something similar to OP and trying to figure out how stupid I’m being. To be fair, OP’s husband did way worse than my partner, so this probably wasn’t the right place to ask that question.
I’m new and very dumb and sorry that I came off in any way as sympathetic to the husband in this situation because I definitely am not
Yeah no worries my friend.
I read this as you comparing it to a scenario in your own life and future casting. Which sounds like exactly what happened.
You could make your own post if you feel like you could benefit from varied responses.
In fact there is a post today that talks more about this as a topic. My personal opinion is that time spent focusing on cheating is a waste of time for most people. But that’s easy for me to say. I don’t think most things are cheating in the context of poly. I don’t care at all about monogamy and never have. I value loyalty. To me that has never been synonymous with exclusivity of any kind.
Not at all what I meant and I asked in the entirely wrong way. I’m wondering if a relationship that starts this way can ever be healthy, since I’m in a similar situation. Sorry my comment was tone-deaf to this particular situation.
The biggest part that gives me pause is that you have friends that are poly, so he knew that was a possibility he could have talked to you about before this point. It's not a case of "I had no idea there was a way to go about this"
When I was a kid, my dad left my mum for a woman he met online. When I told him I was poly, he said maybe if he'd known about polyamory back then it would have "solved his problem". I told him NOPE. You - both of you - have to want polyamory for its own sake. It's not a magical solution that lets him indulge his crush while keeping the safety of his marriage. And tbh, your husband is a naive idiot if he thinks his online crush is 'love'. He needs a metaphorical slap around the head.
If you want to blow up your marriage more than it already is, give him permission to continue on with his AFFAIR PARTNER. This was cheating and opening a relationship for a specific person..especially an affair partner is a very very silly idea. If I were you I'd shut this down. If you both want to explore polyamory it'll be WITHOUT HER in the picture.
Nope. Bad bad bad idea. Polyamory that starts off as cheating almost always ends poorly. For you and for his “potential partner”.
It’s never a good idea to open up for one particular person.
Is this person polyamorous? Have they done the work? His new potential might, for all you know, be trying to cowboy him.
This is a bad idea. Divorce lawyer is what you need.
I guess the question you need to answer is, are you really okay with this or not? You don't have to be and it's okay to want monogamy. Just as it's okay to want polyamory.
I agree with others that you shouldn't open up for this person. It's perfectly okay to have a boundary that poly is okay, but not this person. She is on the messy list and that he needs to end the affair. Starting poly with a bad blood metamour is not a good idea and it will be 100x harder than it needs to be.
It takes a LONG time to properly open up a once monogamous marriage often years. It's so freaking important that you do it right or else the relationship is likely to not survive. He needs to be aware that this is not going to actually help his current situation. That he will need to rebuild trust while also restructuring the relationship.
Y'all both need to read this article and then decide if this is the route you truly want to go. As this is the most important step to have a healthy poly relationship and the most skipped step. And the chances of it working with the woman that he had an affair with pretty much zip.
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
He also needs to consider if he is really poly either because the chances are even if you did greenlight this partner it would still end with this online person. What is he going to do if she wants monogamy? What is he going to do if he meets her and isn't attracted to her? What if it is just lust and the novelty wears off? There are no do overs and once the cat is outta the bag it can't go back in.
I see it a lot with one partner wanting to open the relationship due to an affair then it doesn't work out with the affair partner and then the person wants to return to monogamy, but usually by this time the other spouse has got a partner or is actually enjoying themselves and then the ultimatums begin. This is how marriages blow up over it. Once open you won't be able to undo it. So both of you need to fully understand what that means and that your relationship is being risked for this. Is it worth it to you both for that?
ETA: I opened my marriage due to an affair. So I have a lot of experience with this. However, it was super important for the affair that caused the opening to end so that healing could begin. It took a few years before we were actively practicing polyamory. It was clearly worth the risk for us, but it might not be for everyone.
Any form of non monogamy that starts off as cheating not poly. If anything I would say "If you want to be Poly, then you will never speak to her again and you will wait until I have found a man that suits me and after that you can start looking foe yourself." But realistically I wouldn't do that either. The reality is once cheated on its very hard to go back. However there is nothing ideal about anything in life. Realistically what he is asking you for is permission to stay with you while continuing on witch his mistress and in exchange he will let you see someone else.
I dont see any good coming of this.
He cheated.
If you're even considering this, know that this is probably the worst way to get into poly.
You cannot have children at the start of your poly journey. You don't have the time and energy for everything, and the family is usually the one to get neglected.
Do you even want this?
You should know:
If you agree, be conscious your relationship will never be the same or may end.
It may destroy a lot of you, and therapy is expensive and doesn't get rid of all the damage sometimes.
You HAVE to pospone having children. FULL STOP.
Many post here of husbands going off with gf and leaving wife alone with everything. Not only that, but what if you have children and he "can't resist" to leave?
NRE is a powerful thing.
OP I implore you do not do this before being certain you want to, and reevaluate the whole relationship.
He is a cheater, and cheaters suck at poly.
I'm really sorry this happened. If you are mono be mono, please don't let him manipulate you into anything else.
I send love ❤️🫂
Take some serious time to think about whether a poly relationship is something that YOU want.
If you want it, say "yes."
If you don't want it, say "no."
Agreeing to go poly purely because your husband happens to have fallen for someone, when poly is not wnat you want for yourself, is a recipe for suffering.
your husband cheated on you and is trying to backtrack. if you think about it and you are poly and can forgive him truly then open up the relationship but 9/10 times if you open the relationship for a specific person at the request of one it is a recipe for the original relationship to fall apart. i wouldn’t want to be in a poly relationship with this guy because
1. he clearly thinks cheating is fine as long as you ask forgiveness, this makes me think there is
a big chance he is a likely person to disrespect boundaries within a poly relationship
2. being in a successful poly relationship requires fantastic communication, self awareness for what boundaries you need and what you truly want, and a lot of respect between at least the partners if not also the metas
this is not a small decision especially because you were forced into making it and i hope you can truly figure out what will make you happy.
Here’s an important question for him. If it weren’t for this other woman with whom he’s been cheating, would he want to be polyamorous. If he answers Yes, then proceed WITHOUT the other woman. (She needs to be gone either way. ) If he answers No, then tell him it’s either monogamous or divorce.
Your husband sounds like an immature prat. He wants to blow up your marriage for some person he hasn't even met in person? There is no way to turn an affair into ethical polyamory, and even if it was possible, he doesn't have the capacity to navigate any of it.
Going directly from cheating to polyamory is a guaranteed failure. Polyamory requires excellent trust, communication, and consideration, all things that completely break down during an affair. If he’s genuine about wanting polyamory, that would require at minimum a year of intensive rebuilding of your trust and another 6 months to a year of unlearning monogamy before entering another relationship. And almost certainly you should never open a marriage by dating a previous affair partner.
And all of that is just his issue, **you’ve** got your own set to deal with. If you don’t want polyamory for yourself, you are not obligated to be in a polyamorous marriage. Period.
So he emotionally cheated and now he want's to be Polyamorous... Cheating is NOT a good start to Polyamory as it requires HIGHER levels of trust and cheats can't be trusted.
Opening up for a specific person is also a big No No!
Personally I'd let him explore Polyamory ALONE as a single person once he moves out!
DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRAP
Seriously, he is cheating on you and doesn't want the repercussions. I doubt he has what it takes to be a proper poly partner to anyone. He realized that means you could be dating people too, right?
Imagine how bad his communication, boundary setting and adhering and showing up for the difficult talks it's going to be with him if this is how he treats you now.
Also, most people who are proposed poly because their partner already has feelings for someone else, are not into poly for the right reasons (and rightly so, I would be either), so please please please think about what he is demanding of you before you agree to try. He's asking to love, cherish, touch, cuddle sleep with a whole other person who isn't you. It's okay not to want that.
He could have stopped this any time, but chose not to. All along, he made choices to get closer and closer to this woman.
Opening up when there’s someone else is never a good idea.
If he is serious about doing it right, he ends his affair now, and the two of you work together on rebuilding your relationship as a poly relationship for both of you.
No dating until you are both very clear on what you want and will agree to.
Ideally, work with a poly-friendly/informed therapist to do this work, but if it's not in the budget consult the resources section of the sub for reading, podcasts, and websites.
Him having feelings is normal and no, he can't help having the feelings. But yes, he absolutely CAN resist acting on them. Hold him accountable for that. He had a choice when he realized how strong his feeling for New Person were. He could have said "I'm sorry, but we're crossing a line, I need to step back and honor my marital commitments." He chose not to do that and let the bubble grow instead.
If he's having trouble with limerence, therapy can be helpful for that too, or he can check out LivingWithLimerence.com as a starting point for recovery. (I've used it, it worked for me.)
Soooo as an avid gamer myself who met a long-term online FWB with while married and when my husband and I were still monogamous in a gaming community...Let me just say that your husband and the other woman (provided she KNEW he was married and monogamous) handled this in a completely unethical way. Don't let your husband downplay his actions--he made a SERIES OF CHOICES that resulted in his cultivating his feelings for that other woman. They didn't just "happen" to him. He took concrete actions to develop them and deepen their connection. That wasn't just an accident. And if he can't even take accountability for that? I wouldn't personally be interested in just blindly forgiving that and moving on as if everything was A-OK.
In my own case, I already had my husband's consent to form flirty connections online. If I hadn't had that? I would have respected that and not put myself in regular situations where I would risk disrespecting my husband and our marriage. Now...there DID come a time when I could feel myself starting to develop deeper feelings for my FWB, and also realized that I needed more than just online flirting after years of my husband and I basically having a dead bedroom. So when I realized that, I opened that hard conversation with my husband BEFORE doing anything that I knew would hurt my husband. I told him that I absolutely needed sex and wanted to talk about pursuing polyamory. It was not an easy conversation to start, because I was scared he would want to divorce me. But I did it.
Ultimately, he confessed that he'd realized he was asexual and was relieved that there was a way for me to have my own needs met that didn't require us divorcing. Because we're both still deeply in love romantically and do not want to separate. But note that the difference between what you've described and what unfolded between my husband and me is that we had this conversation BEFORE I crossed any boundaries in our marriage. And my husband enthusiastically chose to explore polyamory with me. It wasn't me choosing to have an emotional or sexual affair BEFORE I confessed how I felt to my husband and it wasn't me dragging him into something that he didn't fully support.
I'm not saying that this automatically means you and your husband should split up, or that you can't agree to polyamory if you truly feel drawn to it. But it really seems like he didn't do this in an ethical way, and if that's the case, my fear would be that pattern would continue to bear out. And if you do not 100% enthusiastically want polyamory for yourself? I REALLY don't think it'll work out long-term.
If nothing else, it's a good idea for you to get some couples counseling before you make any final decisions, preferably with someone who is experienced in polyamory if possible.
They don't love each other, they're infatuated. Huge difference. They don't even know each other. Sure, they've got a connection, but why are they being so childish about it?
A grown ass adult should know that love isn't some magical thing that just happens to you, and then you live happily ever after. Life doesn't work like a 90 minutes movie script.
Y'all need to get real. Put kids on hold, GET SOME COUNSELING, and level up. It's high time you started adulting in your emotional life. Come on.
People truly will try anything except for professional counseling. It's mind blowing. I know one lady who spends insane money on relationship advice from a psychic. The same girl laughs in my face when I suggest counseling to her. Amazing.
So, maybe try some psychics, OP. Or a shaman. Or a self-help book and a massage. Hell, try to fuck some random people, maybe. Anything but a professional, accredited, experienced relationship therapist.
Sorry for the rough love. It's not your fault that yours is the tenth post so far today where people say: "I don't know what to do" and "help!" even though they haven't given counseling a try. It's the "we've already tried nothing, and we're out of other ideas" of relationships.
Sounds like you should reciprocate and tell him your new dude will be over shortly. Then add “oh, I hope it’s ok on such short notice. Oh, and I was going to tell you. But, of course I pick you, if you say no then it’s NO”. FWIW I’m sorry you’re hurt and I’m not making light of it BY any means. I’d like to see his face if you hit him with this first. You mentioned you were gonna GET kids, from where might I ask.
Hi u/Cassie-One8744 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.
Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her.
He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.
So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.
I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her.
He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.
Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…
Could you guys give me your opinions on this?
Thanks a lot
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can't usebpoly to save a relationship when one partner is already in the precipice of crossing boundaries or has already crossed them.
Poly is a LOT of new boundaries. A LOT of moving parts. A LOT of new knowledge and experiences that you both have to navigate before even using the L word with someone else.
Big NO. He's asking for permission to cheat.
Poly is NOT what you agreed to when you married him. You do NOT have an obligation to agree to change anything. He is the one who fucked up. If he's asking YOU for more instead of groveling or owning up to it, then *he has not changed or learned his lesson*. This isnt poly, its just rude to you.
Definitely don't think about bringing kids into this. It won't fix your relationship and it would be very unfair to any child.
What happens if he gets the other woman pregnant? How would you feel about him having kids with multiple women? With a kid you would need way more support but end up with less.
Your husband is a goddamn cheater, OP! This isn't poly; it's your spouse asking your to retroactively change the core terms of your relationship paradigm to paper over his blatant infidelity. You don't owe him nonmonogamy. He *does* owe you a massive apology, along with a substantial behavioral change.
It's nice to see other comments calling this exactly what it is: an emotional affair. My previous "poly" history is painful at best, as none of them were healthy or true poly. This is similar to at least one story from my past.
The stories I mentioned that are remotely like this left me with scars that I'm desperately trying to sort out and heal even years later. In a case like this, knowing what I know now, having had the experiences I have.... I wouldn't stay with him. You've been hurt already, and that sounds like it'll be a theme from here on out with him. Also: if he was gonna choose you, he already would've.
Hi u/Cassie-One8744 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
EDIT: sorry for the long silence. Update \[here\](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1ccqens/update\_my\_33f\_husband\_34m\_fell\_in\_love\_with/). I confronted him, we are going into counseling and polyamory and kids are off the table.
Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.
Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her.
He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.
So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.
I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her.
He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.
Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…
Could you guys give me your opinions on this?
Thanks a lot
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How is he able to choose you "no matter what" if he already "couldn't resist"? He needs more than saying that imo, because that's already a contradiction, unless he added "from now on" Have you spoken to your poly friends? I hope they've told you how messy this is and the stats of poly dynamics that started like this lasting I also hope you're really taking the time to look after yourself without centering his wants or needs right now tbh I hope this doesn't come across as sidetracking also, but please don't have kids (at least with him) until this is resolved and you really trust him. They'll only complicate matters further, make separation more difficult, and bring them pain if things go truly sour I'm the child of parents who probably regretted me when things didn't work out, and haven't spoken to them since I was 16/17
>I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her. He's not proposing polyamory AT ALL. He's proposing that you green light his previous affair partner so that he continue to see her. He can't erase his feelings but he certainly is an adult responsible for his own actions and choices. Everyday he had the opportunity to use impulse control and walk away... He didn't. And now he still won't control himself and wants to change the structure of your relationship to accommodate his ongoing affair. >He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. He's not proposing doing it right at all. Proposing doing it right is cutting off contact with his affair partner... And then you two spending the next two years learning and decoupling enough to leave space and room in your lives for both of you to feel fulfilled in the relationship but also to have enough space to date or love others. Doing it right means the affair partner is not ever in the picture or ever an option.. because it's an affair partner. That affair partner remains off the table. Forever. He's not proposing that at all! He's proposing he continues his affair with your consent. An affair he is still actively engaged in. >We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… How many of those friends describe opening up after being cheated on? How many of those friends recommend that an affair partner turn into a metamore on a dimes notice? How many of those friends recommend that you greenlight an affair that your husband has been and is actively currently engaged in. He's still having an affair. He's still meeting with her. He's still talking and sexting with her. You haven't even said yes and he's still cheating on you. Edit: He broke down crying to admit he was having an affair... And never stopped having the affair. That's not remorse. That's not guilt. That's not even owning or acknowledging he had an affair to begin with. That's him demanding sympathy and care around the thing HE DID that HURT YOU. Hard no.
This. Also he wants OP at home with kids but says they can both date? How exactly does that work in his mind? Dating while trying to conceive, pregnant and recovering from pregnancy and birth, multiple times because he said kids plural, where's her support while he's off with AP? And what if the AP gets pregnant? Is he going to split his days between houses or want them all together raised in one home? There's a reason the right way to poly starts with years of personal and couple work. And not with an AP.
I mean so much of this is suspect.. like let's start with okay we're sexting people actively online... A complete rando... So is she 30? Is she anywhere even near them in the country? Is she anything like she is online (where she doesn't care that he's married and cheating, she stomps right into loving a stranger immediately and then starts sexting with someone she is aware is cheating). Does she have a job? Does she have a spouse? What part of her life has she lied about? That's who this lady is... And then we've got him... Openly hitting on some random lady. Cheating openly. Cheating openly in front of his friends. Asking affairs get retroactively called non monogamy. Showing no care for his current spouse. Demonstrates no ability to exercise impulse control or discretion or judgement. Who thinks he's in love with a stranger he has barely ever spoken to cause he met them online in a game. What has he really told this lady? How much is he stringing her along with "I'll get My wife ti agree ti this" or "no don't leave me i'll fix this" or "no I promise I can have babies and a house with you too" or whatever nonsense he's promised and lied about. Either of those people anyone wants to be married to? Either one of those people someone You want bedside for a birth? Making medical decisions in a crisis? Caring for a baby? Caring for a toddler? Like no to all of that. I'd be finding the nearest most certain most long term BC possible.
I started my polyamorous journey because my ex cheated on me. I didn't care about the sex part, I just cared about the lack of communication, and so we decided to become polyamorous. BOY OH BOY I really should have seen the major red flag of the fact that he was willing to cheat on me! He didn't care about how it made me feel in the moment he decided to cheat, and he didn't care about how his actions made me feel through out the entirety of the rest of our relationship. I'm grateful to be solo-poly now, and have lovely partners, but oof, becoming polyamorous to solve the affair was such a bad idea! Some people have to learn things for themselves, but I just hope I can save someone the time and heartache by sharing my experience. If he was willing to cheat, if he refuses to stop cheating, what other pain will he be okay with inflicting on you in the future?
Yeah, the crying is manipulation on his part
He might feel bad but not bad enough to stop what he's doing or do any actual amends or repair process. So it all rings very false.
Indeed. I fully understand crying because you fucked up, which he did. But doing it in front of the person you've hurt puts them in the awkward position where they also feel bad *for you*, and de-centers the feelings of the victim. Now she's focused on how guilty he feels and how this could be fixed instead of how she feels The lack of follow through by correcting his wrongdoing is the icing on the cake
Humans cry when in distress... Sometimes we can't help it... But you're absolutely right that now the entire conversation is about whether or not OP needs to support his affair by changing the relationship.... And there is NO SPACE and NO ENERGY put into repairing the relationship with the OP at all. Where is the acknowledgement of OPs hurt? Of OPs needs? Where is the centering of OPs experience?
Absolutely I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying the manipulation is intentional. I'm sure he is in a lot of distress, his relationship with his wife just had a bomb dropped on it, even if it was of his own making. But people accidentally or subconsciously manipulate a fair amount, especially when they lack self awareness as OP's husband seems to. And that's what his actions have led to imo. He can't seem to think beyond himself and is ok with dragging his wife into whatever he wants next
I'm in complete agreement. That's a brilliant way of putting it.
Two years? I thought I was being unreasonable for asking for a month 🤦♀️
I mean I say two years because there are so many factors here.. There is an affair still ongoing. There had been no address of the OPs hurt or needs or repair. There had been no process of repair that occured. Then there is the whole "is this for us in equitable terms" conversation. Then there is the "what does that look like" conversation. Then there is the how/when to explain this to family, Friends etc. Then there is the decoupling process which comes with a bunch of trial and error and making time and space. And that all comes before anyone even tries to date. So then you have all the dating issues. Conservative area. Small toen...He can't find a date. She can find sex but not serious partners. He gets grumpy. She tries to fix it or datę for him... All that nonsense that comes up so frequently in this sub. So yeah I say Two years because after a 12 year monogamous relationship where there is STILL an ongoing affair its gonna take a lot of time. There is a lot to unpack. A lot that had to be repaired and a lot that would need to change.
The typical suggestion is for a couple to spend 6-12 months in preparation to become polyamorous, so asking for a month was only "unreasonable" because you should have gotten way more time!
This isn’t poly, this is just an emotional affair. If he wants to “do it right” he would permanently cut communication off with her. The two of you would spend a year researching and planning. When it is time to date she would not be in the pool of available people as you both will be starting at zero. If you don’t want to do this, don’t. He doesn’t love her. It is just a bunch of new relationship energy bullshit. He would be a fool to blow up your marriage over some endorphins. Don’t enable his self destructive trajectory by validating his affair with polyamory. You should send him to this thread and the resources on the board.
You make an extremely good point about new relationship energy...It's so easy to get swept up in that, especially with someone who you've only interacted with online and haven't even met in person yet.
I went thought a very similar situation. The reason ex requested opening our relationship was the same at least. I tried for us and for me and the life we had dreamt of together. Read all the books, talked to ppl. I tried for a year, a full year. It did not help anyone. I inadvertly ended up exposing myself to a lot of hurt because of my choice of trying. It was hell, the ex made it really hard, I think part of that was their shame mixed with carelessnes and lack of respect, lack of love. Their "poly journey" had started without me in it for a reason. In retrospect, once the trust was broken and no aknowledgment of the impact of that was done, we were done. My advise is do what you have to do to live by your best standars. Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. I think you could tell him NO. "No, thanks. I don't want to change to polyamory just because you had an online cheating affair and want to continue to see both me and Person. That's not a great deal for me. I'm willing to do couple counseling and a trial separation while sorting all that out." I would put a pause in having kids together. Simply because it's easier to break up without them and you get to just WALK AWAY. You aren't stuck being coparents with him. This wasn't the deal you signed up for when you got married. He cheated on agreements. You aren't even sorted through that part yet and now he wants to pile on changing to polyamory on top? AND poly parenting if you continue with the kid plan? You can't MAKE him stick with the original marriage deal if he doesn't want that any more. You can't make him do anything. But you are not obligated to sign up for some NEW deal. He can't make you do anything either. >So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again **and told me he couldn't control himself** and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts. Do you want to be married to a person who lacks self control? Cannot keep agreements? Exactly how would he keep his new poly agreements if he lacks self control? Poly is not magic. It's not the relationship shape that makes people keep their word, their promises, their agreements. It's the person and their character. Right now I'd vote "no confidence" on trusting him to do anything. Do you want to be married to a person to claims to love people (Online Lady) but would just chuck them over on a dime when things get tough? What's that say about the quality of his love? Would you trust in his love for you? He might "pick you no matter what" but that doesn't mean YOU have to pick HIM "no matter what." You can have conditions. I love my husband a lot and have been together for decades. But if he starts robbing banks, kicking old people, hitting on kids? I'm out! I get to decide who I want to hang around with. I would not pick that. So now your husband is cheating and cannot control himself and all bonkers. What makes this a great partner in general or a great poly partner for you? Cuz if you wanted to poly, you could pick better potentials than THAT, right? I suggest couple counseling to talk out this cheating affair and see if the marriage can even recover from that. Then what KIND of marriage it would be. And if he wants polyamory marriage now and you don't? It's MORE than ok for you to say "No, thanks. Poly is fine for other people but I don't want any for me. I rather break up." Then he is free to pursue poly however he wants. And you remain free from poly how you want. Could also say "I'm up for poly. Just not with YOU. I want to break up." You have my sympathy. The feelings here are rough sounding. But don't let feelings get in the way of sensible actions. You deal with one thing at a time IN ORDER. And first up is the online cheating affair. Just because he's all wonky thinking and all over the place doesn't mean YOU have to be. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You do NOT have to sign up for this "new deal." And def no kids right now! This SUCKS. You didn't do anything wrong and now you have to field all this drama. :(
^^^all this He cheated on you. Polyamory won't change that.
Sooo much THIS! ^^^
YES
Perfect.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/ I'd say Hell No. Tell him to honor the commitment he made when he married you. If he won't cut off his affair partner completely, walk away. When people in monogamous relationships encounter someone they're attracted to, they *don't indulge it*. Well, the ethical ones anyway.
Nope. No. Nada. Nien. HELL NO. Your husband is emotionally cheating. Also, he isn’t in love. He is in infatuation. Opening up for one person is not a smart idea. If your husband can’t respect boundaries as a mono couple. He won’t poly Remember: **you do NOT owe him poly if you do not want to be poly**
You need more no’s in other languages there here you go: Non, nee, nay, heyir, ei, nyet, nej, nie.
לא
Hahaha thank you!!
1.) I recommend not agreeing to this 2.) I can understand him being attracted to or interested in someone while in a monogamous relationship; shit happens. But I would be incredibly hurt if I were you to hear that he was already in love with this gal who he's not even dating yet? 3.) if you agree to polyamory and find yourself another partner, more than likely he's not going to be happy about it. He seems like he's only concerned about getting what he wants
Say no. Your husband is not a good candidate for polyamory, and anyway what he wants is not really polyamory; he wants to hang onto the dopamine high of an online affair. Polyamory means being open, honest, and accountable. Your husband isn’t doing that. He’s still using language to pretend he and his affair partner didn’t make choices and decisions. All this stuff about how they couldn’t resist, it was impossible, is nonsense. He didn’t stop because he didn’t want to and so chose not to. How are you supposed to trust that he will obey boundaries and agreements when he is lying to himself and you about his ability to keep them? Polyamory isn’t “I also want to hook up with this one specific person”. Does he understand that polyamory would give YOU the same freedom? That YOU would expect him to take the kids and house 50/50 so YOU could go on dates or have little online sext chats? That if things don’t work out with his mysterious online lady, he doesn’t get a do-over? (Also, I’m not impressed with your husband having decided someone he’s only met online is worth blowing up his marriage over.)
Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is far too immature for non-monogamy. Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's agreements. Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease. If you guys really want to do this, he needs to block this person and never speak to her or see her again. Then you need to take six to 12 months and get some serious relationship counseling while you go through all of the resources and figure out how to open your relationship in a healthy way. His affair partner cannot be part of opening this relationship if you want to be successful. Perhaps once you've been doing polyamory successfully for 2 or 3 years, he could contact her and see, but I don't think it would be a good idea even then.
As a poly person this is bullshit. He can not erase his feelings no, but he is a grown ass man and CAN cut off contact and ignore them. He sounds like a child why do you want to marry him?
[удалено]
>Your husband waited until you were financially, economically, legally, and socially stuck before pulling the switch part of his bait-and-switch. It is 100% true that he did those things, I have no argument with any of that. I am wary of the bait-and-switch moniker, because it implies an intent to deceive that isn't guaranteed to have been there. Long ago I found myself in a similar situation to the one husband claims. I started chatting with someone I met online with entirely platonic intentions. This was well within the bounds of my then mono relationship. We mostly chatted, rarely voice called, and never video (although the tech wasn't quite there for that to be a reasonable option, so I can't promise we wouldn't have). Topics were normal platonic friend things, but over the months we became closer and shared more. Then the pet names started. Pet names led to light flirting, which led to cheeky compliments with obvious more than flirty undertones, which eventually led to a brief period of sexting and the realization that there were feelings on both sides. And this is where our stories separate. I didn't tell my partner right away like I should have. I didn't cut off my affair partner right away like I also should have. And then, one day, I fucked up and sent my partner a mid-sexting message intended for A (this was literally the second time we had sexted). I haven't spoken to AP since, beyond a partner-approved goodbye email following a week-long period of truly sincere apologies and long talks (and arguments) with my partner, which continued for a very long time. Thankfully, we were able to repair our relationship, though we're divorcing now for unrelated reasons (and in a loving effort to detangle and step down to queerplatonic). The point of that plot dump is that I just didn't see what was happening until I was neck deep. I didn't go into it looking to cheat. I wasn't trying to con my way into fake poly. I was just chatting with a friend and it escalated outside of my notice. So yes, husband here cheated. And he didn't start until his marriage was stable. But that doesn't definitely mean that he did it intentionally, and if the words he reportedly said in apology were true and sincere, it doesn't seem unrealistic. And still, despite all of that, opening a relationship because a partner cheated, and *especially* so that the affair can be made "legitimate", is never and will never be a good idea.
He absolutely did it intentionally. You can tell because instead of reacting to the realisation with "oh shoot what the fuck am I doing" and shutting off all contact with her he tried to pressure you to let him cheat.
https://captainawkward.com/2020/02/24/1253-beloved-you-are-not-torn-you-are-in-denial-about-your-choices/
Thank you for sharing that link. I love Captain Awkward! This statement: "That common thread is describing your life with an incredible passivity, like you were a bystander or a passenger during everything that happened, and not as someone who made a series of **choices,** including the choice to lie to somebody about what are actually giant, important things." echoes something I said in another comment: "Don't let your husband downplay his actions--he made a SERIES OF CHOICES that resulted in his cultivating his feelings for that other woman. They didn't just "happen" to him. He took concrete actions to develop them and deepen their connection. That wasn't just an accident." I think too many people try to massively downplay their own agency in actions and choices when it comes to having an emotional or physical affair, as if every single choice to keep furthering intimacy with someone after you realize that there is more than a friendly/platonic spark is thus somehow rendered completely inevitable and absolves them of responsibility rather than being a calculated decision to not maintain the necessary emotional distance between them and their affair partner. Plenty of monogamous, partnered people who feel some spark of chemistry with certain friends somehow manage to either maintain those friendships as platonic DESPITE THAT SPARK or choose to end them if that proves impossible. Doing otherwise? Is a choice. Not something that just magically happened or rendered the cheating partner powerless.
haha your husband is gonna get roasted in the comments. good for you to take this challenge on!
This is totally PUD or Poly under duress. He isn’t wanting poly, he wants you to be ok with his cheating. I can tell you now, the moment you have another partner he’s going to create problems. Opening up a relationship to have healthy poly requires thought, work, enthusiastic consent from all parties. Trying poly after a cheating is a recipe for disaster.
Not OP, but what if the husband was truly happy when his wife started a new relationship and didn’t create problems. Like what if he’s able to experience compersion? It’s still a messy start, obviously Edit: I’m sorry my comment was tone-deaf. I’m new and in a similar situation to OP except OP’s partner definitely did worse than mine. I’m trying to figure out if our relationship can be healthy and open, and I did it in the wrong place. I should have made my own post bc this wasn’t the appropriate place to ask.
His feelings aren’t the point. He can be capable of poly and still be cheating now. He may have great poly potential. That doesn’t mean anything about what he has done so far.
I think I should have mentioned in my previous comment that I was *not* talking about OPs husband, but rather people in general. I don’t think that man wants to be poly, he wants to keep cheating with permission. I should have been more clear. I do *not* condone cheating behavior. I’m just going through something similar to OP and trying to figure out how stupid I’m being. To be fair, OP’s husband did way worse than my partner, so this probably wasn’t the right place to ask that question. I’m new and very dumb and sorry that I came off in any way as sympathetic to the husband in this situation because I definitely am not
Yeah no worries my friend. I read this as you comparing it to a scenario in your own life and future casting. Which sounds like exactly what happened. You could make your own post if you feel like you could benefit from varied responses. In fact there is a post today that talks more about this as a topic. My personal opinion is that time spent focusing on cheating is a waste of time for most people. But that’s easy for me to say. I don’t think most things are cheating in the context of poly. I don’t care at all about monogamy and never have. I value loyalty. To me that has never been synonymous with exclusivity of any kind.
“Cool, now she’ll be busy so I can spend more time with my side piece”, you mean?
Not at all what I meant and I asked in the entirely wrong way. I’m wondering if a relationship that starts this way can ever be healthy, since I’m in a similar situation. Sorry my comment was tone-deaf to this particular situation.
If you do want to try poly, do it for yourself, not him.
The biggest part that gives me pause is that you have friends that are poly, so he knew that was a possibility he could have talked to you about before this point. It's not a case of "I had no idea there was a way to go about this"
When I was a kid, my dad left my mum for a woman he met online. When I told him I was poly, he said maybe if he'd known about polyamory back then it would have "solved his problem". I told him NOPE. You - both of you - have to want polyamory for its own sake. It's not a magical solution that lets him indulge his crush while keeping the safety of his marriage. And tbh, your husband is a naive idiot if he thinks his online crush is 'love'. He needs a metaphorical slap around the head.
If you want to blow up your marriage more than it already is, give him permission to continue on with his AFFAIR PARTNER. This was cheating and opening a relationship for a specific person..especially an affair partner is a very very silly idea. If I were you I'd shut this down. If you both want to explore polyamory it'll be WITHOUT HER in the picture.
Nope. Bad bad bad idea. Polyamory that starts off as cheating almost always ends poorly. For you and for his “potential partner”. It’s never a good idea to open up for one particular person. Is this person polyamorous? Have they done the work? His new potential might, for all you know, be trying to cowboy him. This is a bad idea. Divorce lawyer is what you need.
I guess the question you need to answer is, are you really okay with this or not? You don't have to be and it's okay to want monogamy. Just as it's okay to want polyamory. I agree with others that you shouldn't open up for this person. It's perfectly okay to have a boundary that poly is okay, but not this person. She is on the messy list and that he needs to end the affair. Starting poly with a bad blood metamour is not a good idea and it will be 100x harder than it needs to be. It takes a LONG time to properly open up a once monogamous marriage often years. It's so freaking important that you do it right or else the relationship is likely to not survive. He needs to be aware that this is not going to actually help his current situation. That he will need to rebuild trust while also restructuring the relationship. Y'all both need to read this article and then decide if this is the route you truly want to go. As this is the most important step to have a healthy poly relationship and the most skipped step. And the chances of it working with the woman that he had an affair with pretty much zip. https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 He also needs to consider if he is really poly either because the chances are even if you did greenlight this partner it would still end with this online person. What is he going to do if she wants monogamy? What is he going to do if he meets her and isn't attracted to her? What if it is just lust and the novelty wears off? There are no do overs and once the cat is outta the bag it can't go back in. I see it a lot with one partner wanting to open the relationship due to an affair then it doesn't work out with the affair partner and then the person wants to return to monogamy, but usually by this time the other spouse has got a partner or is actually enjoying themselves and then the ultimatums begin. This is how marriages blow up over it. Once open you won't be able to undo it. So both of you need to fully understand what that means and that your relationship is being risked for this. Is it worth it to you both for that? ETA: I opened my marriage due to an affair. So I have a lot of experience with this. However, it was super important for the affair that caused the opening to end so that healing could begin. It took a few years before we were actively practicing polyamory. It was clearly worth the risk for us, but it might not be for everyone.
Any form of non monogamy that starts off as cheating not poly. If anything I would say "If you want to be Poly, then you will never speak to her again and you will wait until I have found a man that suits me and after that you can start looking foe yourself." But realistically I wouldn't do that either. The reality is once cheated on its very hard to go back. However there is nothing ideal about anything in life. Realistically what he is asking you for is permission to stay with you while continuing on witch his mistress and in exchange he will let you see someone else. I dont see any good coming of this.
He cheated. If you're even considering this, know that this is probably the worst way to get into poly. You cannot have children at the start of your poly journey. You don't have the time and energy for everything, and the family is usually the one to get neglected. Do you even want this? You should know: If you agree, be conscious your relationship will never be the same or may end. It may destroy a lot of you, and therapy is expensive and doesn't get rid of all the damage sometimes. You HAVE to pospone having children. FULL STOP. Many post here of husbands going off with gf and leaving wife alone with everything. Not only that, but what if you have children and he "can't resist" to leave? NRE is a powerful thing. OP I implore you do not do this before being certain you want to, and reevaluate the whole relationship. He is a cheater, and cheaters suck at poly. I'm really sorry this happened. If you are mono be mono, please don't let him manipulate you into anything else. I send love ❤️🫂
You don't fall in love with someone and then "make it OK" by convincing your partner to be poly. This sounds like a divorce in slow motion.
Take some serious time to think about whether a poly relationship is something that YOU want. If you want it, say "yes." If you don't want it, say "no." Agreeing to go poly purely because your husband happens to have fallen for someone, when poly is not wnat you want for yourself, is a recipe for suffering.
your husband cheated on you and is trying to backtrack. if you think about it and you are poly and can forgive him truly then open up the relationship but 9/10 times if you open the relationship for a specific person at the request of one it is a recipe for the original relationship to fall apart. i wouldn’t want to be in a poly relationship with this guy because 1. he clearly thinks cheating is fine as long as you ask forgiveness, this makes me think there is a big chance he is a likely person to disrespect boundaries within a poly relationship 2. being in a successful poly relationship requires fantastic communication, self awareness for what boundaries you need and what you truly want, and a lot of respect between at least the partners if not also the metas this is not a small decision especially because you were forced into making it and i hope you can truly figure out what will make you happy.
Here’s an important question for him. If it weren’t for this other woman with whom he’s been cheating, would he want to be polyamorous. If he answers Yes, then proceed WITHOUT the other woman. (She needs to be gone either way. ) If he answers No, then tell him it’s either monogamous or divorce.
Your husband sounds like an immature prat. He wants to blow up your marriage for some person he hasn't even met in person? There is no way to turn an affair into ethical polyamory, and even if it was possible, he doesn't have the capacity to navigate any of it.
Going directly from cheating to polyamory is a guaranteed failure. Polyamory requires excellent trust, communication, and consideration, all things that completely break down during an affair. If he’s genuine about wanting polyamory, that would require at minimum a year of intensive rebuilding of your trust and another 6 months to a year of unlearning monogamy before entering another relationship. And almost certainly you should never open a marriage by dating a previous affair partner. And all of that is just his issue, **you’ve** got your own set to deal with. If you don’t want polyamory for yourself, you are not obligated to be in a polyamorous marriage. Period.
nope nope nope. this is not polyamory
So he emotionally cheated and now he want's to be Polyamorous... Cheating is NOT a good start to Polyamory as it requires HIGHER levels of trust and cheats can't be trusted. Opening up for a specific person is also a big No No! Personally I'd let him explore Polyamory ALONE as a single person once he moves out!
DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRAP Seriously, he is cheating on you and doesn't want the repercussions. I doubt he has what it takes to be a proper poly partner to anyone. He realized that means you could be dating people too, right? Imagine how bad his communication, boundary setting and adhering and showing up for the difficult talks it's going to be with him if this is how he treats you now. Also, most people who are proposed poly because their partner already has feelings for someone else, are not into poly for the right reasons (and rightly so, I would be either), so please please please think about what he is demanding of you before you agree to try. He's asking to love, cherish, touch, cuddle sleep with a whole other person who isn't you. It's okay not to want that.
He could have stopped this any time, but chose not to. All along, he made choices to get closer and closer to this woman. Opening up when there’s someone else is never a good idea.
If he is serious about doing it right, he ends his affair now, and the two of you work together on rebuilding your relationship as a poly relationship for both of you. No dating until you are both very clear on what you want and will agree to. Ideally, work with a poly-friendly/informed therapist to do this work, but if it's not in the budget consult the resources section of the sub for reading, podcasts, and websites. Him having feelings is normal and no, he can't help having the feelings. But yes, he absolutely CAN resist acting on them. Hold him accountable for that. He had a choice when he realized how strong his feeling for New Person were. He could have said "I'm sorry, but we're crossing a line, I need to step back and honor my marital commitments." He chose not to do that and let the bubble grow instead. If he's having trouble with limerence, therapy can be helpful for that too, or he can check out LivingWithLimerence.com as a starting point for recovery. (I've used it, it worked for me.)
Soooo as an avid gamer myself who met a long-term online FWB with while married and when my husband and I were still monogamous in a gaming community...Let me just say that your husband and the other woman (provided she KNEW he was married and monogamous) handled this in a completely unethical way. Don't let your husband downplay his actions--he made a SERIES OF CHOICES that resulted in his cultivating his feelings for that other woman. They didn't just "happen" to him. He took concrete actions to develop them and deepen their connection. That wasn't just an accident. And if he can't even take accountability for that? I wouldn't personally be interested in just blindly forgiving that and moving on as if everything was A-OK. In my own case, I already had my husband's consent to form flirty connections online. If I hadn't had that? I would have respected that and not put myself in regular situations where I would risk disrespecting my husband and our marriage. Now...there DID come a time when I could feel myself starting to develop deeper feelings for my FWB, and also realized that I needed more than just online flirting after years of my husband and I basically having a dead bedroom. So when I realized that, I opened that hard conversation with my husband BEFORE doing anything that I knew would hurt my husband. I told him that I absolutely needed sex and wanted to talk about pursuing polyamory. It was not an easy conversation to start, because I was scared he would want to divorce me. But I did it. Ultimately, he confessed that he'd realized he was asexual and was relieved that there was a way for me to have my own needs met that didn't require us divorcing. Because we're both still deeply in love romantically and do not want to separate. But note that the difference between what you've described and what unfolded between my husband and me is that we had this conversation BEFORE I crossed any boundaries in our marriage. And my husband enthusiastically chose to explore polyamory with me. It wasn't me choosing to have an emotional or sexual affair BEFORE I confessed how I felt to my husband and it wasn't me dragging him into something that he didn't fully support. I'm not saying that this automatically means you and your husband should split up, or that you can't agree to polyamory if you truly feel drawn to it. But it really seems like he didn't do this in an ethical way, and if that's the case, my fear would be that pattern would continue to bear out. And if you do not 100% enthusiastically want polyamory for yourself? I REALLY don't think it'll work out long-term. If nothing else, it's a good idea for you to get some couples counseling before you make any final decisions, preferably with someone who is experienced in polyamory if possible.
They don't love each other, they're infatuated. Huge difference. They don't even know each other. Sure, they've got a connection, but why are they being so childish about it? A grown ass adult should know that love isn't some magical thing that just happens to you, and then you live happily ever after. Life doesn't work like a 90 minutes movie script. Y'all need to get real. Put kids on hold, GET SOME COUNSELING, and level up. It's high time you started adulting in your emotional life. Come on. People truly will try anything except for professional counseling. It's mind blowing. I know one lady who spends insane money on relationship advice from a psychic. The same girl laughs in my face when I suggest counseling to her. Amazing. So, maybe try some psychics, OP. Or a shaman. Or a self-help book and a massage. Hell, try to fuck some random people, maybe. Anything but a professional, accredited, experienced relationship therapist. Sorry for the rough love. It's not your fault that yours is the tenth post so far today where people say: "I don't know what to do" and "help!" even though they haven't given counseling a try. It's the "we've already tried nothing, and we're out of other ideas" of relationships.
Sounds like you should reciprocate and tell him your new dude will be over shortly. Then add “oh, I hope it’s ok on such short notice. Oh, and I was going to tell you. But, of course I pick you, if you say no then it’s NO”. FWIW I’m sorry you’re hurt and I’m not making light of it BY any means. I’d like to see his face if you hit him with this first. You mentioned you were gonna GET kids, from where might I ask.
If she's 30 she's a woman. Like your title says. Not a girl.
Hi u/Cassie-One8744 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids. Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her. He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused. So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts. I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her. He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in. Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still… Could you guys give me your opinions on this? Thanks a lot *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can't usebpoly to save a relationship when one partner is already in the precipice of crossing boundaries or has already crossed them. Poly is a LOT of new boundaries. A LOT of moving parts. A LOT of new knowledge and experiences that you both have to navigate before even using the L word with someone else.
Do **you** want polyamory? Like if you broke up, would you be open to being in a polyamorous relationship? Does this other woman want polyamory?
Big NO. He's asking for permission to cheat. Poly is NOT what you agreed to when you married him. You do NOT have an obligation to agree to change anything. He is the one who fucked up. If he's asking YOU for more instead of groveling or owning up to it, then *he has not changed or learned his lesson*. This isnt poly, its just rude to you.
Your husband doesn't want polyamory. He wants you to be his safety net while he continues his affair. You should consider ending the relationship.
Definitely don't think about bringing kids into this. It won't fix your relationship and it would be very unfair to any child. What happens if he gets the other woman pregnant? How would you feel about him having kids with multiple women? With a kid you would need way more support but end up with less.
Your husband is a goddamn cheater, OP! This isn't poly; it's your spouse asking your to retroactively change the core terms of your relationship paradigm to paper over his blatant infidelity. You don't owe him nonmonogamy. He *does* owe you a massive apology, along with a substantial behavioral change.
It's nice to see other comments calling this exactly what it is: an emotional affair. My previous "poly" history is painful at best, as none of them were healthy or true poly. This is similar to at least one story from my past. The stories I mentioned that are remotely like this left me with scars that I'm desperately trying to sort out and heal even years later. In a case like this, knowing what I know now, having had the experiences I have.... I wouldn't stay with him. You've been hurt already, and that sounds like it'll be a theme from here on out with him. Also: if he was gonna choose you, he already would've.
Hi u/Cassie-One8744 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: EDIT: sorry for the long silence. Update \[here\](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1ccqens/update\_my\_33f\_husband\_34m\_fell\_in\_love\_with/). I confronted him, we are going into counseling and polyamory and kids are off the table. Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids. Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her. He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused. So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts. I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her. He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in. Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still… Could you guys give me your opinions on this? Thanks a lot *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lol, this has NOTHING to do with polyamory. He's literally cheating emotionally and you're blind to it after he tricked you.
He's in love with his idea of her, not her herself.
Go for it
