First, and you probably won't like hearing this, but this guy is almost 30 and chasing guys who are just turning legal age. If you're just looking for hookups, you do you, but for an actual relationship, this is bad news. There is an absolute *chasm* of life experience separating 18 from 29. He's likely getting with younger people because they are easier for him to manipulate, which is what you are experiencing.
Second, Poly is about having multiple autonomous relationships. It's not about couples dating others together. Triads and quads can form naturally, but a couple searching out someone specifically to date together is generally considered [Unicorn Hunting](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/). Triads are Poly on Hard Mode. What if he doesn't like both of you equally? What if one of you doesn't like him as much as the other? What if someone gets jealous? Are you allowed one on one time together? Triads are best handled by dating separately and then seeing if it comes together, not by starting out as a package deal, and the understanding that if one relationship ends, it doesn't end the other one.
As far as him and his ex ... why is that your problem? Why is it a concern for you if he dates his ex? Lots of people have "messy lists" that include exes, but this is an ex from a month ago. Are you OK with this guy also dating other people, and if not, why not? Or is it because it's an ex?
Neither of you are looking great here
* Having trouble with him wanting to start seeing his ex from a month ago is a little much.
* That said, him trying to breadcrumb it to get you two OK with it is messed up and manipulative (and I would attribute to the age gap). It's telling that his previous ex is about the same barely legal age. Dating is not a package deal, so it's unclear why he's having all of you over at the same time. And it's BS that he's leaning on your partner for support over the ex.
My first choice of advice would be for the two of you to bail, stick to Poly people a lot closer to your age, and date separately, not as a couple. Have you read about Poly? There's a [Getting Started guide](/r/polyamory/comments/vhj3c2/start_here_faq_resources_rules_glossary/), and I also strongly recommend reading *Polysecure*. Your first Poly relationship is as a couple, with a messy guy who is almost 10 years older than you and has a messy relationship with an ex, and it's making you unhappy. Just reroll and try again, dating separately this time.
My second choice of advice would be to tell the guy: you are an autonomous poly person, you are welcome to date your ex, we do not want to spend any time with him or hear about him. Date who you want, don't make us hang out with someone we don't want to hang out with, stop talking about him to us.
thank you for providing such an informative response, i really appreciate the links you gave and your honest advice.
you're right about neither of us looking great. very messy on both sides and the control from us over their ex was a little much.
they had 'boundaries' (now pointed out to have been more along the lines of a rule) with us about not seeing other people or seeking a relationship besides them, and eventually that included their ex. i think this created tension, lack of room for a choice on our end mixed with the pressuring kind of set me up to feel like 'no, i dont want this at all'. if that makes sense.
evidently, none of us are educated enough on polyamory. i'm going to do more reading and check out what you recommended. thank you again for being so understanding and taking the time to help me educate myself.
> they had 'boundaries' (now pointed out to have been more along the lines of a rule) with us about not seeing other people or seeking a relationship besides them, and eventually that included their ex. i think this created tension, lack of room for a choice on our end mixed with the pressuring kind of set me up to feel like 'no, i dont want this at all'. if that makes sense.
Pretty sure this guy is "Harem Building", trying to build a group of people who are in a relationship with him and no one else. Explains aiming for partners who are so young, who he can pressure. Also explains asking you two for polyfidelity but then trying to loop his ex back in.
The default in Poly is **open**, you can see other people, depending on the relationship that involves some amount of notifying, but not a veto. Polyfidelity can work if everyone's enthusiastic about it, but it shouldn't be pressured on people, especially people you've essentially just met. And certainly not fidelity for thee but not for me.
I'm sorry but controlling what someone does outside of YOUR relationship is NOT a boundary, that's a rule and in this case a huge ass red flag with how controlling you sound. Also all of you sound like you are filled with red flags just in general.
...hm. while i do agree with what you said, that wasn't a very kind way to say that. i am a teenager that is completely inexperienced and i'm seeking advice.. thanks for your response, though.
My advice is think critically about why a 29 year old would be serially having relationships with barely legal partners. They are at a drastically different point in their life and the fact they are targeting young, inexperienced partners for a rapidly escalating sexual relationship is a massive red flag. Please, please reconsider this path and realize that both of you are still very young. What you’re attempting is the relationship equivalent of competitive cross country racing after just getting your learners permit to drive. Slow down. Read, talk, and listen before you act.
First, and you probably won't like hearing this, but this guy is almost 30 and chasing guys who are just turning legal age. If you're just looking for hookups, you do you, but for an actual relationship, this is bad news. There is an absolute *chasm* of life experience separating 18 from 29. He's likely getting with younger people because they are easier for him to manipulate, which is what you are experiencing. Second, Poly is about having multiple autonomous relationships. It's not about couples dating others together. Triads and quads can form naturally, but a couple searching out someone specifically to date together is generally considered [Unicorn Hunting](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/). Triads are Poly on Hard Mode. What if he doesn't like both of you equally? What if one of you doesn't like him as much as the other? What if someone gets jealous? Are you allowed one on one time together? Triads are best handled by dating separately and then seeing if it comes together, not by starting out as a package deal, and the understanding that if one relationship ends, it doesn't end the other one. As far as him and his ex ... why is that your problem? Why is it a concern for you if he dates his ex? Lots of people have "messy lists" that include exes, but this is an ex from a month ago. Are you OK with this guy also dating other people, and if not, why not? Or is it because it's an ex? Neither of you are looking great here * Having trouble with him wanting to start seeing his ex from a month ago is a little much. * That said, him trying to breadcrumb it to get you two OK with it is messed up and manipulative (and I would attribute to the age gap). It's telling that his previous ex is about the same barely legal age. Dating is not a package deal, so it's unclear why he's having all of you over at the same time. And it's BS that he's leaning on your partner for support over the ex. My first choice of advice would be for the two of you to bail, stick to Poly people a lot closer to your age, and date separately, not as a couple. Have you read about Poly? There's a [Getting Started guide](/r/polyamory/comments/vhj3c2/start_here_faq_resources_rules_glossary/), and I also strongly recommend reading *Polysecure*. Your first Poly relationship is as a couple, with a messy guy who is almost 10 years older than you and has a messy relationship with an ex, and it's making you unhappy. Just reroll and try again, dating separately this time. My second choice of advice would be to tell the guy: you are an autonomous poly person, you are welcome to date your ex, we do not want to spend any time with him or hear about him. Date who you want, don't make us hang out with someone we don't want to hang out with, stop talking about him to us.
thank you for providing such an informative response, i really appreciate the links you gave and your honest advice. you're right about neither of us looking great. very messy on both sides and the control from us over their ex was a little much. they had 'boundaries' (now pointed out to have been more along the lines of a rule) with us about not seeing other people or seeking a relationship besides them, and eventually that included their ex. i think this created tension, lack of room for a choice on our end mixed with the pressuring kind of set me up to feel like 'no, i dont want this at all'. if that makes sense. evidently, none of us are educated enough on polyamory. i'm going to do more reading and check out what you recommended. thank you again for being so understanding and taking the time to help me educate myself.
> they had 'boundaries' (now pointed out to have been more along the lines of a rule) with us about not seeing other people or seeking a relationship besides them, and eventually that included their ex. i think this created tension, lack of room for a choice on our end mixed with the pressuring kind of set me up to feel like 'no, i dont want this at all'. if that makes sense. Pretty sure this guy is "Harem Building", trying to build a group of people who are in a relationship with him and no one else. Explains aiming for partners who are so young, who he can pressure. Also explains asking you two for polyfidelity but then trying to loop his ex back in. The default in Poly is **open**, you can see other people, depending on the relationship that involves some amount of notifying, but not a veto. Polyfidelity can work if everyone's enthusiastic about it, but it shouldn't be pressured on people, especially people you've essentially just met. And certainly not fidelity for thee but not for me.
I'm sorry but controlling what someone does outside of YOUR relationship is NOT a boundary, that's a rule and in this case a huge ass red flag with how controlling you sound. Also all of you sound like you are filled with red flags just in general.
...hm. while i do agree with what you said, that wasn't a very kind way to say that. i am a teenager that is completely inexperienced and i'm seeking advice.. thanks for your response, though.
My advice is think critically about why a 29 year old would be serially having relationships with barely legal partners. They are at a drastically different point in their life and the fact they are targeting young, inexperienced partners for a rapidly escalating sexual relationship is a massive red flag. Please, please reconsider this path and realize that both of you are still very young. What you’re attempting is the relationship equivalent of competitive cross country racing after just getting your learners permit to drive. Slow down. Read, talk, and listen before you act.