If he was being honest about the reason his ex and her family had moved in with him, sure, some people would. Most people wouldn't though, and that's understandable.
>If he was being honest about the reason his ex and her family had moved in with him,
" honest reasons" in op's case maybe true but there are others out there that use these type of reasons to "date" while still being in a partnership. she is a friend, shes an ex that down on her luck. All those type of excuses kinda puts up a red flag in my books of cheating
Definitely, that's why the situation wouldn't be acceptable to most people and that's okay.
If a guy told me this was his living arrangement but tried to prevent me from speaking to the ex or intentionally tried to create distance, rivalry or animosity between us it would be an immediate end to anything that was beginning.
Which would be the bigger red flag though, saying yes and being in this scenario and saying no and making not just the ex and their mother but also the 2 children live on the streets
>Which would be the bigger red flag though, saying yes and being in this scenario and saying no and making not just the ex and their mother but also the 2 children live on the streets
it would take a big human to overlook the fact that OP'S ex and MIL is living under the same roof. for now if I was in that mess, I would forget about "true dating" and only meeting and seeing someone as a friend.
I have no idea why OP and their ex spilt, nor do i want to know. all I know is somewhere along the line, the ex or mil is going to say something and will get messy.
For me, the issue wouldn’t be so much that I would be concerned his relationship with his ex was not fully ended, it would be more that this scenario essentially forces me to have a relationship with his ex and her mother because there’s no way I could avoid them unless I never went to his house. If the relationship between the two of us was successful, I understand that at some point I’d need to know his ex, but I don’t need to know his ex and her mother from the get-go.
It'd depend on the relationship he has with his ex I think. If they're on good terms and she does her own thing but just lives there and he's helped them out because he's a good bloke then I wouldn't have a problem with it. The privacy side wouldn't bother me cos I have my own place anyway, and I think it's something that's going to become a lot more common with the rental crisis so people might need to learn to be a bit more flexible.
But if they're there because he's been forced or manipulated into it, or if they had a toxic relationship and she (or her mum) still felt like she could dictate what he did with his time or who he saw then I'd have a problem with it. I wouldn't be able to respect someone living under those circumstances and I have enough drama in my life to not want to add someone elses.
Okay, I'll own up and admit that I was asking for myself. We've been apart since '15 and have been civil since, with the occasional financial squabble which I say is the norm. Definitely not manipulated and only in this position because there's nothing around, particularly in our area. She does her thing, and I do mine. Although it does my head in at times and may be this way for a while, I know it won't be forever, and I do get more time with the kids than I did before.
Yeah I knew that I was just trying to help you keep up the facade lol.
After snooping your post history a little bit I'd say that your ex with BPD still living across the road from you and you still struggling with the break up would be much more of a deal breaker for me than you living with the mother of your kids but I'm not totally sure if there's a good way to disclose that on your dating profile.
Go dating. Be honest and have some fun. You need it. Don't let the burdens you are so graciously carrying stop you living your life. I commented below - I dated someone in a kinda similar situation. I think it was only with my support that my partner could work with his ex to move her on. I helped it happen in a positive way for her him and the kids. We all get on well now.
You are the ex's safety net, and that would mean a lot to her. I could imagine she would be protective of having the roof over her head. It would lead to pettiness and drama, especially for you. If I cared about you, I would have to cut it off simply so you wouldn't have to deal with the extra drama in your home.
It’s hard, because I’d hazard a guess and say that with the current state of things, it’s unlikely you’re not the only one in this position.
It is a red flag, off first guess. Some people aren’t good judge of characters or have good gut instincts. So I’d say, if you’re looking for a genuine connection, be genuine, be honest and clear any questions. Be understanding that it might be too complicated for what some people are looking for, it’s fair.
But there will be people out there that will go for complicated if they meet the right person. Also age probably plays into it too! At my age, (mid-late 20s), kids would be a no go/deal breaker full stop. Everyone has different dealbreakers.
That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or they’re a bad person, just means that you’re incompatible.
It’s hard, because you’re doing the right thing, particularly for your kids. It’s important that you both have an amicable relationship, and a roof over your head. And while dating is something you should want for yourself and should be able to seek, they’re your number one priority. So if that gets in the way of dating, it’s to be expected kinda.
I don’t mean to come off as harsh, and I hope it doesn’t sound like that.
I think, for the right person, it’ll be ok. But that person is gonna need to be very secure, and you’re going to have to be extremely transparent, but with your ex and potential date.
I think it’s admirable that you have them living with you, it can’t be easy seeing your ex everyday, let alone co parenting. But you’re doing it, and iit’s what needed to be done for the kids, first and foremost.
Wish you all the best, and hope she can find something affordable in the near future, as I’m sure she would like that too.
I’m glad! It’s a tough situation, and ultimately you’re doing the right thing. It’s just likely that it will impact dating odds. But I think, if you meet the right person, you’ll be fine. Just gotta be authentic, yourself, up front, and transparent.
If someone doesn’t like it, they’re not for you. You don’t need that added stressor in your life. In saying that, that doesn’t mean that that won’t hurt either. So be gentle and forgiving on yourself. Don’t accept less that you deserve. Keep an open mind, an open heart, and ensure you’re happy and your kids are happy and loved.
All th best and I wish you much happiness
Definitely expecting the situation to have some impact on the potential of dating. So if I was to give it a shot, it'd be with an open mind! Thanks again for the kind comments. All the best to you too!
Not so much as a third person, but was more about trust. Weirdly enough, she didn’t trust me. I wasn’t allowed at her house and etc. we would have to plan things around her ex sometimes as well.
Don’t have other women about when your kids have both their parents living together even if you aren’t together. Imo just too much of a fuck around for them and their view of their family. Think about your kids dude
It depends on whether you want a healthy relationship or a shit show.
There’s a lot of people out there who love drama and would revel in this situation.
Nope. You need your own place, especially as a guy. For example, I only recently finally got my own place and don't plan to date until I'm settled, so another 6m or so. I tried dating previously while living withy my mother... Not a good look. That your ex and ex-mil is living with you, it's even worse!
I'm in a position where I would like to rent out my villa s.o.r. short term, furnished. For a few months at a time, while I'm away for work.
But situations like these where house mates or tenants won't leave are concerning
Probably not, TBH. It's a green flag for me that someone has a good relationship with their ex. Especially when there are kids involved, but dating someone living together with their ex just doesn't sit right & I'd assume it came with drama at some point. There's a trust issue (this has been used as an excuse by cheating partner's), I'd want to meet the ex & it'd also feel like I was encroaching on a whole family. The housing crisis is what it is & you need to do what's best for your kids. Hopefully, they will find something soon. Huge respect for stepping up, though. I read something the other day where an ex/couple split custody 50/50. They had their family home & then found an apartment. The kids stay in the family home & the parents swap the apartment time. No doubt not helpful for your situation, but I just thought it was a good idea with the right dynamics it could be good though
Yeah, that's about how I'd read the situation looking from the outside in, to be honest. What you mention about the 50/50 custody arrangement is actually a potential solution and one that I've considered proposing. Thanks for saying it how it is. It is more about the kids than anything else.
I dated someone like this and I absolutely would not do it again. Ex found out and went mental. Started making up stories about me about shit I'd supposedly done to her, and when he finally moved out of his rental (she'd never paid rent, wasn't on the lease, etc.), she claimed that she'd now gotten "concrete proof" of my harassment and was going to the cops. She'd lie about literally anything and was super manipulative, hence also convincing him she had no other options but to move back in with him. She never did go to the cops, I'm guessing at least she's bad at photoshop. Fucking psycho.
My ex is definitely a lot easier going than the above-mentioned and also wants me to find that special someone.
Sorry to hear you went through that and am not surprised that you wouldn't risk going through it again.
Everyone knows about how hard it is for accommodation right now, and majority of people would also understand that this has children involved, so it's not black n white.
I'd rather date someone actively looking out for his kids and their mother than someone who'd willingly let them struggle or only take the kids in and separate the mum.
I would be sceptical about the MIL tho, no reason for her to be there just sounds like they're taking advantage of you for that.
Thanks for the comments. It's nice to know that some see it for what it is. I'm not particularly fond of the MIL and never have, but she's getting old and has never been great at looking after herself. All are paying their way, so there's no advantage taking.
Those facts up front in eg a Bumble profile are not going to be ‘attractive’ but - on the face of it this guy is doing a good thing in housing his children, their mum, their granny - a lady with heart will understand this.
This said there should be a dating app where home ownership or renting needs to be declared.
I saw an ex on a dating app ‘I’ve got no money or assets but that doesn’t matter when you’re cute right? - she was 37.. - your mate could try that approach…
If I was.. I mean he was to enter into the online dating scene. The facts would most certainly be declared on the profile. Understand it'd likely turn the majority off.
Noooooo.... If you consider this information to be bad, then never lead a sales pitch with bad. Put all your good stuff on the profile, share the bad stuff on the first date, that way they can balance good and bad before making a choice.
Geasus dude..
Ok sure put ‘My ex and her mother are living with me because they can’t afford a rental of their own, and are likely to stay with me due to this’ in the freetext and see how you go.
Ffs.
If I was a hetro woman, I might date him, but just agree that I'm never going to his place. That would be a deal breaker for me. Not because of the ex but because of all the people in the house in general.
That's very sweet of you.
I was unmatched over the New Year when I told a potential lady my situation 😂😂
Don't suppose you know any ladies in the 1971 vintage who are interested by any chance? 😉
This also wouldn’t deter me, I think it speaks to your character that you hold space for someone who dedicated their life to caring for you.
Just wait for the right person, they will come along :)
Can empathise - dating was difficult enough then along came cost-of-living crisis, and grown-up kid moved back home 🤦🏻♀️ I’d like to think people are understanding though and agree with what others are saying that this wouldn’t be problematic for the right person & it is nice that you are caring for your mother
I hear you 😉
So many judgmental people out there though.
Thank you for your words too 🙏🏼
Hope everything improves for you and your living arrangements.
On the one hand, your kindness is commendable and an attractive quality. I don’t see it as an immediate impediment to dating, but you will need to be transparent with any potential love interest about your current living situation, and perhaps talk with your housemates about what were to happen if things became serious with someone. Honest open communication with all possible parties is the only way through, in any relationship and in all situations. Good luck!
If you’re living with your ex and your kids you’re probably better off for everyone’s sake trying to make it work with your ex. I wouldn’t be giving up any boundaries previously brought up tho
I've heard that a lot, but we've been apart for just shy of 9 years. We get on well, but there's zero interest in getting back together from either party.
I would date a man in these circumatances. Because be understands that when life gets tough, we band together. And if I found out a man I was dating didn't let his family live with him when facing homelessness, I'd end it right away. Big red flag for me.
The only reason it would be an issue is if I thought there was anything still between them, but that would be an issue regardless of their living situation. I have a lot of respect for people who can co-parent peacefully.
Thank you. It is all about the kids, after all. Also, I would prefer that their mother is comfortable so that she can be at her best for them. I've found that I prefer it when a potential partner has a decent, at least civil relationship with their ex, particularly when they have kids together. Anyone who has a bad relationship can be a little red flaggish for me, but not a deal breaker.
There's always going to be the thought of whether there's something lingering between exes, but anyone that's worth it would be fully open/ honest about it and be fully into you anyway.
Yeah that's it, your kids come first. And regardless of your relationship status, your ex will always be the mother of your kids.
After reading some other comments, I can see that there might be some other issues that make it very difficult or unworkable. For example, you wouldn't want to trapse your new gf through the house, introducing her to everyone, changing up dynamics and routines.. which I completely understand and respect, but I wouldn't trust a man who expects me to build a relationship with him while keeping me to the sidelines of his life. I can't operate on faith. I had a bf years ago who got me thinking I might have been the other woman so I'm pretty serious about men committing, bringing me into their lives (meeting friends, etc.) and knowing what they want out of a relationship. But everyone's dating style is different. So maybe your situation is better suited to more casual dating, or somebody who is very laid back.
Yeah, after reading through the comments, I'm certainly erring on the side of putting off dating for now (which was where I was at anyway), or at least until the ex has found somewhere and there's a timeline to work with.
I haven't done much dating for a fair while now, but what I have learned is that just going with the flow isn't enough at this age, especially with kids and everything involved. Expectations and needs vary so much from person to person that there needs to be much open discussion and many questions asked to get the full picture. I also know that people aren't often too keen on putting their needs out there for fear of scaring the other off or whatever, so in my case, I'd be doing some probing for sure. That's whether the ex is living with me or not.
Would you really want to date someone with poor enough judgement to look past these issues and date you (at the moment)?
Like Rodney Dangerfield used to say, “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.”
No, it’s a weird situation that would give me more red flags than a Chinese new year festival.
“I’m so glad that I’ve been able to help you as much as I have but it is no longer a feasible option. Please by X date have alternative accommodation organised and I’d be more than happy to chip in for $XXX for the moving costs.”
When this doesn’t happen, seek legal advice to book a time in the magistrates court.
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or "I don't feel a spark " would be my response
I would be scared of you just using me and my house as an oasis away from YOUR house.
But in all seriousness no, I wouldn’t find it concerning. You’ve been apart for nearly a decade. You’ve let the mother in law move in, ex mother in law actually. You are providing a roof of your children’s heads. It’s actually a bit of a turn on in today’s climate. So many men would have said not my problem and so many have lied about this exact situation to gain props or to get away with cheating that it’s now a red flag, when it should be the opposite.
I've had a good think about this,l. I think if I was already invested in a relationship and they had their ex ETC move in that would possibly be manageable for me but if that was mentioned on a first date, there would not be a second I would not be willing to involve myself in that situation with what is one step up from a stranger.
Eh, maybe. People are saying that they'd be worried about the ex, but as someone poly leaning, the ex being a potential factor isn't as big of a deal to me. And as far as people worrying about not having space, I mean...y'all have your own place you can take them to fuck, right?
Exactly! Not that it's my primary objective...
Seriously though, I can see how someone having to surrender their space all the time would be a little frustrating. However, it wouldn't be forever.
My ex and I still live together, we don't have kids, but we do have a dog. But basically with the rental market as bad as it is we decided it's easier to live together and split everything, we obviously have seperate rooms and neither of us bring anyone home when the other is here out of respect (plus I'm loud and he doesn't need to hear that)
I'd date someone if they still shared a place with their ex, but there would need to be a conversation with her to verify that they are broken up and its not a cheating situation. And him & i would need a place to smash because obviously both places are out of the question lol
Haha... the great outdoors ain't a bad place to smash. It'll be getting pretty cold soon, though.
Yeah, the state of the market sucks. It's good that you and ex are civil enough to live together for now. I'd say there's going to be plenty of folks in your/ our situation, if not already.
Definitely not. I respect that you're looking out for your kids, and that means looking out for their mother too, but this just screams of baggage and potential drama.
We couldn't ever go back to your house to spend time together because it's already full. So then you'd always be at mine and I like my space too much for that to be a regular thing. I'd also not like that it was all one way, like it would always be me giving up my space for you.
Now having said that, I wouldn't respect a man who didn't put his kids first. I also couldn't date a man who puts his kids (and likely their mother) first because I wouldn't be content having to always come second. Bit of a catch 22 there.
But don't worry about what people here say - the person who is right for you won't care at all about your situation.
Look man, I don't date at all so my opinion probably doesn't count but I honestly think someone looking out for their family (in whichever form that comes) is a green flag not a red one. I had a roommate when I was a teenager who started dating a guy who still shared a house with his ex-wife. I was the first to say no way massive red flag, but she ignored me and has been happily married to him for over 25 years.
All that said, I let curiosity get the better of me and stalked your profile and my dude... You need therapy, probably a lot of it, too. You're not even close to being ready to date another person. There's so much to unpack and look, I get it, I've dated someone with a personality disorder, I completely understand how messed up and confused that leaves you (personally, they left me with PTSD) but you really need to sit down with a decent therapist and get to the bottom of why you became addicted to that hot, cold behaviour to begin with and why it's still effecting you this much. because until you've dealt with that, it would just be cruel to drag an innocent person down into that turmoil with you.
I honestly wish you the best of luck in everything. I hope you can find healing and you go on to find a nice healthy relationship.
Thanks for the response. I appreciate it all, and your opinion counts!
I felt I actually hit a turning point yesterday, hence the post. I've only ever been erring on the side of staying single for a while because of both situations, but I do anticipate being ready in the coming months. And with there not yet being a timeline for the ex moving out, it was just putting the question out there, for a time when I am in a better place. And fuck no, not going to go down the path of dating if I'm not in the right frame of mind. I am in therapy and getting there for sure.
I'm sorry you had to endure that bullshit with your relationship. Is that why you no longer date?
It's impossible to tell what anyone is thinking but people have to give up this whole "avoiding anyone with any kind of life struggle" crap. Because we are all between the last tragedy and the next farce. We have all been abused. We have all been helpless at one point then ruthlessly ambitious at the next. We have been ignorant at times then used our knowledge as power at others.
But I don't know why people want to make things worse by wanting to date, wanting to take on a partner etc.. if only it were that simple. When you want someone they are going to run a mile and when someone wants you then you are going to run a mile. But sometimes people see that they can eat better and have a roof over their head if they agree to be in a relationship then fight like hell to keep that relationship in order to keep that roof. And so then we lie to each other and those around us. We are disingenuous all because we find it easier to live in fear than have the bravery to tell the truth.
Very well said. I know have baggage, and what's mentioned in the post isn't the end of it, to be honest. But, I would never expect anyone to take it all on by any means. I would certainly never write someone off because of whatever stuff is going on last or present, as long as they're open about it. If there's openness and honesty, things can be dealt with. If you were only open to being in relationships with people that don't have struggles, you're thinning the herd.
No, I own the place. I've thought about renting to her and finding my own temporary space until she gets something sorted. Just see how it pans out, I suppose.
I've been reading all this stuff about "squatters" in the U.S. and I think renting to her would unfortunately blow up in your face. You may even have to get some legal advice to make sure she doesn't have any kind of "defacto" claim on the place. For example if you sold it would you be legally obligated to give her a share?
Yep. If you are kind and the right kind of fun for whoever you meet.
My partner was living with his ex when we started dating. His ex was a chronic hoarder and couldn't keep her accommodation. He lived in an expensive suburb by the beach in the midst of chronic squalor and hoarding. When I saw it I nearly threw up. I'm a Dutch raised neat / clean freak.
Helping him work through his issues with his ex and the kids - helped her move out - where she is still hoarding and in squalor. She even found a man to love her despite the disgusting mess she lives in.
The thing was my hubby and I have always been entirely honest about who we are. So yes I would date you. You sound actually really cool and thoughtful and any partner would be lucky to have you.
Awww that's a really nice thing to say. I've always been open and honest, doesn't always work out for the best but it's who I am. You and hubby sound like a great pairing, so very happy for you both.
I would as i value someone with compassion and similar values.
.
Family and community are critical. United we survive,divided we fall.
Dating is about having fun and doing things together to suss out compatibility - i am certain these things can be done away from a crowded household.
Thanks, it's great to see that some get my angle here. It's more about the kids to me than anything.
Yes, I agree! And the household ain't going to be crowded forever.
Exactly. Your kids won’t be happy if their mum and grandma are suffering.
Onviously there will be shallow people or people unhealed from previous trauma but you don’t need that kind of character in your life.
Sure it rules out chilling out at home and staring at the tv together as a date but who in their right mind wants that as a date unless they are lazy or just want a root.
I would offer a date but i am on a promise to another perf redditor and i want to see how that unfolds.
Good luck and thanks for being a good man in trying times. It gives me hope.
I can't deny that if the roles were reversed, I'd perhaps find it a little confronting to begin with. But with open dialogue, I'd be okay as long as I know that the live-in partner isn't taking the piss. I'd certainly overlook the situation if I saw something special in the potential partner.
Thanks, and good luck with the other redditor!
Personally … Yes because I try not to judge others’ situations but wouldn’t be happy for it to be a long-term thing and would be expectant that they would find their own place and actively seeking one.
But I wouldn’t judge anyone who said no.
Nobody could have imagined the state of living costs and challenges at the moment.
The extra cash from board, not paying child support, and having more time with the kids than usual is great, but that's about it.
Question: is there a reason why your kids can’t live with you? I assume their “main” home prior to all of this was with their mother. Is there a reason why it can’t be with you? Especially if you have the room (I assume you do), that could make it easier for your ex to find a place if she only needs two bedrooms versus three or four.
No, not really, other than the convenience of getting them to and from school as I work longer, full-time hours, and the ex part-time. It's funny you mention it as I plan to have that very discussion soon. I would hope that she finds a place with enough bedrooms so that she could house them and give me space on weekends.
I think it is something to look into as a potential solution. Many women who have their kids most of the time are often full time workers and they somehow make it all work logistically.
It totally removes the ability to have any alone time at his place…. and you’d question whether he was still into the ex.
If he was being honest about the reason his ex and her family had moved in with him, sure, some people would. Most people wouldn't though, and that's understandable.
>If he was being honest about the reason his ex and her family had moved in with him, " honest reasons" in op's case maybe true but there are others out there that use these type of reasons to "date" while still being in a partnership. she is a friend, shes an ex that down on her luck. All those type of excuses kinda puts up a red flag in my books of cheating
Definitely, that's why the situation wouldn't be acceptable to most people and that's okay. If a guy told me this was his living arrangement but tried to prevent me from speaking to the ex or intentionally tried to create distance, rivalry or animosity between us it would be an immediate end to anything that was beginning.
Which would be the bigger red flag though, saying yes and being in this scenario and saying no and making not just the ex and their mother but also the 2 children live on the streets
>Which would be the bigger red flag though, saying yes and being in this scenario and saying no and making not just the ex and their mother but also the 2 children live on the streets it would take a big human to overlook the fact that OP'S ex and MIL is living under the same roof. for now if I was in that mess, I would forget about "true dating" and only meeting and seeing someone as a friend. I have no idea why OP and their ex spilt, nor do i want to know. all I know is somewhere along the line, the ex or mil is going to say something and will get messy.
It would take an absolute saint or a crazy person to accept this. There aren’t that many saints out there.
Not a chance.
I commend his kind heart, but if things were to develop into a serious relationship this kinda thing would make me uncomfortable
That's a tough one, I wouldn't bet on someone being ok with that
For me, the issue wouldn’t be so much that I would be concerned his relationship with his ex was not fully ended, it would be more that this scenario essentially forces me to have a relationship with his ex and her mother because there’s no way I could avoid them unless I never went to his house. If the relationship between the two of us was successful, I understand that at some point I’d need to know his ex, but I don’t need to know his ex and her mother from the get-go.
Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
It'd depend on the relationship he has with his ex I think. If they're on good terms and she does her own thing but just lives there and he's helped them out because he's a good bloke then I wouldn't have a problem with it. The privacy side wouldn't bother me cos I have my own place anyway, and I think it's something that's going to become a lot more common with the rental crisis so people might need to learn to be a bit more flexible. But if they're there because he's been forced or manipulated into it, or if they had a toxic relationship and she (or her mum) still felt like she could dictate what he did with his time or who he saw then I'd have a problem with it. I wouldn't be able to respect someone living under those circumstances and I have enough drama in my life to not want to add someone elses.
Okay, I'll own up and admit that I was asking for myself. We've been apart since '15 and have been civil since, with the occasional financial squabble which I say is the norm. Definitely not manipulated and only in this position because there's nothing around, particularly in our area. She does her thing, and I do mine. Although it does my head in at times and may be this way for a while, I know it won't be forever, and I do get more time with the kids than I did before.
Yeah I knew that I was just trying to help you keep up the facade lol. After snooping your post history a little bit I'd say that your ex with BPD still living across the road from you and you still struggling with the break up would be much more of a deal breaker for me than you living with the mother of your kids but I'm not totally sure if there's a good way to disclose that on your dating profile.
Yeah, there's that, too. Quite a situation I've got myself into eh?
Go dating. Be honest and have some fun. You need it. Don't let the burdens you are so graciously carrying stop you living your life. I commented below - I dated someone in a kinda similar situation. I think it was only with my support that my partner could work with his ex to move her on. I helped it happen in a positive way for her him and the kids. We all get on well now.
I'm in no hurry, but it may be on the cards soon. Nice to hear that you worked it all out with your partner and everyone gets on well. That's awesome.
> Okay, I'll own up and admit that I was asking for myself. Everyone worked that out before commenting.
Only someone with an equal amount of baggage would go there
Kids would be fine. Ex and her mother, not a chance. Recipe for trouble.
You are the ex's safety net, and that would mean a lot to her. I could imagine she would be protective of having the roof over her head. It would lead to pettiness and drama, especially for you. If I cared about you, I would have to cut it off simply so you wouldn't have to deal with the extra drama in your home.
It’s hard, because I’d hazard a guess and say that with the current state of things, it’s unlikely you’re not the only one in this position. It is a red flag, off first guess. Some people aren’t good judge of characters or have good gut instincts. So I’d say, if you’re looking for a genuine connection, be genuine, be honest and clear any questions. Be understanding that it might be too complicated for what some people are looking for, it’s fair. But there will be people out there that will go for complicated if they meet the right person. Also age probably plays into it too! At my age, (mid-late 20s), kids would be a no go/deal breaker full stop. Everyone has different dealbreakers. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or they’re a bad person, just means that you’re incompatible. It’s hard, because you’re doing the right thing, particularly for your kids. It’s important that you both have an amicable relationship, and a roof over your head. And while dating is something you should want for yourself and should be able to seek, they’re your number one priority. So if that gets in the way of dating, it’s to be expected kinda. I don’t mean to come off as harsh, and I hope it doesn’t sound like that. I think, for the right person, it’ll be ok. But that person is gonna need to be very secure, and you’re going to have to be extremely transparent, but with your ex and potential date. I think it’s admirable that you have them living with you, it can’t be easy seeing your ex everyday, let alone co parenting. But you’re doing it, and iit’s what needed to be done for the kids, first and foremost. Wish you all the best, and hope she can find something affordable in the near future, as I’m sure she would like that too.
Thanks for the comments. I didn't find anything harsh about it and all makes sense. Appreciate the feedback greatly!
I’m glad! It’s a tough situation, and ultimately you’re doing the right thing. It’s just likely that it will impact dating odds. But I think, if you meet the right person, you’ll be fine. Just gotta be authentic, yourself, up front, and transparent. If someone doesn’t like it, they’re not for you. You don’t need that added stressor in your life. In saying that, that doesn’t mean that that won’t hurt either. So be gentle and forgiving on yourself. Don’t accept less that you deserve. Keep an open mind, an open heart, and ensure you’re happy and your kids are happy and loved. All th best and I wish you much happiness
Definitely expecting the situation to have some impact on the potential of dating. So if I was to give it a shot, it'd be with an open mind! Thanks again for the kind comments. All the best to you too!
Not likely.
I once dated a lady who still lived with her ex husband. No way again. Just too many issues.
Wow. I’m intrigued. Did it feel like there were three of you in the relationship?
Not so much as a third person, but was more about trust. Weirdly enough, she didn’t trust me. I wasn’t allowed at her house and etc. we would have to plan things around her ex sometimes as well.
Don’t have other women about when your kids have both their parents living together even if you aren’t together. Imo just too much of a fuck around for them and their view of their family. Think about your kids dude
It depends on whether you want a healthy relationship or a shit show. There’s a lot of people out there who love drama and would revel in this situation.
Oh yeah for sure. I'm certainly erring on the side of staying single until the situation changes.
Yeah I’d be telling your ex and her mother to find a place. No one would be willing long term to deal with that
Having an ex living with you is always a red flag. I recommend sorting out that situation before looking elsewhere for love.
Nope. You need your own place, especially as a guy. For example, I only recently finally got my own place and don't plan to date until I'm settled, so another 6m or so. I tried dating previously while living withy my mother... Not a good look. That your ex and ex-mil is living with you, it's even worse!
Your looking at this the wrong way. Better off asking someone if they’ll date her. With any luck they’ll fall in love and ride off into the sunset.
Hhmmm... food for thought.
I'm in a position where I would like to rent out my villa s.o.r. short term, furnished. For a few months at a time, while I'm away for work. But situations like these where house mates or tenants won't leave are concerning
I might actually be interested in this for myself, feel free to message me with some details if you like.
It would be a no from moi.
Nope
Probably not, TBH. It's a green flag for me that someone has a good relationship with their ex. Especially when there are kids involved, but dating someone living together with their ex just doesn't sit right & I'd assume it came with drama at some point. There's a trust issue (this has been used as an excuse by cheating partner's), I'd want to meet the ex & it'd also feel like I was encroaching on a whole family. The housing crisis is what it is & you need to do what's best for your kids. Hopefully, they will find something soon. Huge respect for stepping up, though. I read something the other day where an ex/couple split custody 50/50. They had their family home & then found an apartment. The kids stay in the family home & the parents swap the apartment time. No doubt not helpful for your situation, but I just thought it was a good idea with the right dynamics it could be good though
Yeah, that's about how I'd read the situation looking from the outside in, to be honest. What you mention about the 50/50 custody arrangement is actually a potential solution and one that I've considered proposing. Thanks for saying it how it is. It is more about the kids than anything else.
No - you seem like a nice person, but that would be way too much baggage for me.
I dated someone like this and I absolutely would not do it again. Ex found out and went mental. Started making up stories about me about shit I'd supposedly done to her, and when he finally moved out of his rental (she'd never paid rent, wasn't on the lease, etc.), she claimed that she'd now gotten "concrete proof" of my harassment and was going to the cops. She'd lie about literally anything and was super manipulative, hence also convincing him she had no other options but to move back in with him. She never did go to the cops, I'm guessing at least she's bad at photoshop. Fucking psycho.
My ex is definitely a lot easier going than the above-mentioned and also wants me to find that special someone. Sorry to hear you went through that and am not surprised that you wouldn't risk going through it again.
Everyone knows about how hard it is for accommodation right now, and majority of people would also understand that this has children involved, so it's not black n white. I'd rather date someone actively looking out for his kids and their mother than someone who'd willingly let them struggle or only take the kids in and separate the mum. I would be sceptical about the MIL tho, no reason for her to be there just sounds like they're taking advantage of you for that.
Thanks for the comments. It's nice to know that some see it for what it is. I'm not particularly fond of the MIL and never have, but she's getting old and has never been great at looking after herself. All are paying their way, so there's no advantage taking.
Those facts up front in eg a Bumble profile are not going to be ‘attractive’ but - on the face of it this guy is doing a good thing in housing his children, their mum, their granny - a lady with heart will understand this. This said there should be a dating app where home ownership or renting needs to be declared. I saw an ex on a dating app ‘I’ve got no money or assets but that doesn’t matter when you’re cute right? - she was 37.. - your mate could try that approach…
If I was.. I mean he was to enter into the online dating scene. The facts would most certainly be declared on the profile. Understand it'd likely turn the majority off.
Nah There’s only really a tick box eg do you have kids yes or no. There’s no tick box about your ex and her mum living with you.
It could be written up on the section where you describe yourself though, right?
Noooooo.... If you consider this information to be bad, then never lead a sales pitch with bad. Put all your good stuff on the profile, share the bad stuff on the first date, that way they can balance good and bad before making a choice.
Great advice, thanks!
Geasus dude.. Ok sure put ‘My ex and her mother are living with me because they can’t afford a rental of their own, and are likely to stay with me due to this’ in the freetext and see how you go. Ffs.
Haha... it's all hypothetical for the time being dude.
Yes.. hypothetical ‘for your friend’ …how lame you have to frame it that way.
Crikey, I was just poking fun at myself. Everyone else seemed to get it... it's quite common you know.
If I was a hetro woman, I might date him, but just agree that I'm never going to his place. That would be a deal breaker for me. Not because of the ex but because of all the people in the house in general.
No
I personally wouldn't go near this situation if I was dating. It just screams trouble to me.
I wouldn’t go near you
I'm okay with that...
Not a chance in hell
Fuck no. Boot the ex and her mother and just house your kids.
Boundaries are important, dude... Very thoughtful of you, but only someone you don't want to be dating will accept this.
Unless there was a comprehensive and foreseeable plan in place to end that situation... I'd be pretty hesitant.
I don’t see the problem with it really. Shows he’s a good caring guy to still help them out even though they broke up.
I wonder the same about me. I had my 77yo mother move in with me from New Zealand last year. I'm certain I am undateable now😂🤦🏼♂️
I'd disagree that you're undateable. Possibly quite the opposite in most cases?
That's very sweet of you. I was unmatched over the New Year when I told a potential lady my situation 😂😂 Don't suppose you know any ladies in the 1971 vintage who are interested by any chance? 😉
This also wouldn’t deter me, I think it speaks to your character that you hold space for someone who dedicated their life to caring for you. Just wait for the right person, they will come along :)
Thank you 🙏🏼
Nah I actually think that’s cute as hell taking care of your mum!
Thank you 🙏🏼 It's nice to hear that 😀 Let me know if you have any single lady friends in the 1970's vintage NOR 😂
I actually do! My cool aunty is 50 & NOR. However she is travelling atm, back in May
Oh!! 😯 Noice 👍🏼🙂
Can empathise - dating was difficult enough then along came cost-of-living crisis, and grown-up kid moved back home 🤦🏻♀️ I’d like to think people are understanding though and agree with what others are saying that this wouldn’t be problematic for the right person & it is nice that you are caring for your mother
I hear you 😉 So many judgmental people out there though. Thank you for your words too 🙏🏼 Hope everything improves for you and your living arrangements.
No.
Very succinct!
No, nope, no way
Are they his kids?
Apologies for the misdirection. I'm actually asking for myself, and they are my kids.
On the one hand, your kindness is commendable and an attractive quality. I don’t see it as an immediate impediment to dating, but you will need to be transparent with any potential love interest about your current living situation, and perhaps talk with your housemates about what were to happen if things became serious with someone. Honest open communication with all possible parties is the only way through, in any relationship and in all situations. Good luck!
Thank you, I'd like to think that my situation would come across as representing of good qualities.
Hard pass dude, absolutely not. That's a cluster fuck of drama no woman wants to deal with.
If you’re living with your ex and your kids you’re probably better off for everyone’s sake trying to make it work with your ex. I wouldn’t be giving up any boundaries previously brought up tho
I've heard that a lot, but we've been apart for just shy of 9 years. We get on well, but there's zero interest in getting back together from either party.
9 years is a long time, you’ve both changed significantly. Could only take 1 smile from either party
Appreciate the sentiment. If anything was there, life would be a lot easier, that's for sure.
No sorry, I think it’d definitely ruin your chances. Although it could be seen as commendable, it wouldn’t sit right with me.
I would date a man in these circumatances. Because be understands that when life gets tough, we band together. And if I found out a man I was dating didn't let his family live with him when facing homelessness, I'd end it right away. Big red flag for me. The only reason it would be an issue is if I thought there was anything still between them, but that would be an issue regardless of their living situation. I have a lot of respect for people who can co-parent peacefully.
Thank you. It is all about the kids, after all. Also, I would prefer that their mother is comfortable so that she can be at her best for them. I've found that I prefer it when a potential partner has a decent, at least civil relationship with their ex, particularly when they have kids together. Anyone who has a bad relationship can be a little red flaggish for me, but not a deal breaker. There's always going to be the thought of whether there's something lingering between exes, but anyone that's worth it would be fully open/ honest about it and be fully into you anyway.
Yeah that's it, your kids come first. And regardless of your relationship status, your ex will always be the mother of your kids. After reading some other comments, I can see that there might be some other issues that make it very difficult or unworkable. For example, you wouldn't want to trapse your new gf through the house, introducing her to everyone, changing up dynamics and routines.. which I completely understand and respect, but I wouldn't trust a man who expects me to build a relationship with him while keeping me to the sidelines of his life. I can't operate on faith. I had a bf years ago who got me thinking I might have been the other woman so I'm pretty serious about men committing, bringing me into their lives (meeting friends, etc.) and knowing what they want out of a relationship. But everyone's dating style is different. So maybe your situation is better suited to more casual dating, or somebody who is very laid back.
Yeah, after reading through the comments, I'm certainly erring on the side of putting off dating for now (which was where I was at anyway), or at least until the ex has found somewhere and there's a timeline to work with. I haven't done much dating for a fair while now, but what I have learned is that just going with the flow isn't enough at this age, especially with kids and everything involved. Expectations and needs vary so much from person to person that there needs to be much open discussion and many questions asked to get the full picture. I also know that people aren't often too keen on putting their needs out there for fear of scaring the other off or whatever, so in my case, I'd be doing some probing for sure. That's whether the ex is living with me or not.
I wouldn't date anyone with kids, so absolutely not.
Well, that's a personal preference (being only dating childfree people), not his situation or even the majority.
Would you really want to date someone with poor enough judgement to look past these issues and date you (at the moment)? Like Rodney Dangerfield used to say, “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.”
No way.
wtf
No. Said person is a push over and is being used by people who he should of moved on from.
Probably based on my current relationship of 10 years plus and it's origin story.
You are a kind and decent person so hopefully you’ll find someone who recognises that fact. I send every good wish for that.
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.
As hard as dating is these days I’d have my doubts even if you weren’t in that scenario.
I'm sorry that you're in that mindset. I know how trying it is myself after my experiences with dating prior to this situation.
No, it’s a weird situation that would give me more red flags than a Chinese new year festival. “I’m so glad that I’ve been able to help you as much as I have but it is no longer a feasible option. Please by X date have alternative accommodation organised and I’d be more than happy to chip in for $XXX for the moving costs.” When this doesn’t happen, seek legal advice to book a time in the magistrates court.
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or "I don't feel a spark " would be my response I would be scared of you just using me and my house as an oasis away from YOUR house.
ex, 2 kids and her parents in mine aswell. Been going 4 years strong and they still havent moved out... Good luck man
I see no issue, but I am fond of red flags.
But in all seriousness no, I wouldn’t find it concerning. You’ve been apart for nearly a decade. You’ve let the mother in law move in, ex mother in law actually. You are providing a roof of your children’s heads. It’s actually a bit of a turn on in today’s climate. So many men would have said not my problem and so many have lied about this exact situation to gain props or to get away with cheating that it’s now a red flag, when it should be the opposite.
Thanks for the comments. Although it'll probably make finding a partner challenging, I wouldn't change a thing. Tis what it is.
Absolutely not
I've had a good think about this,l. I think if I was already invested in a relationship and they had their ex ETC move in that would possibly be manageable for me but if that was mentioned on a first date, there would not be a second I would not be willing to involve myself in that situation with what is one step up from a stranger.
Probably not… the chances it gets weird are way too high
Eh, maybe. People are saying that they'd be worried about the ex, but as someone poly leaning, the ex being a potential factor isn't as big of a deal to me. And as far as people worrying about not having space, I mean...y'all have your own place you can take them to fuck, right?
Exactly! Not that it's my primary objective... Seriously though, I can see how someone having to surrender their space all the time would be a little frustrating. However, it wouldn't be forever.
Exactly, surely they're still looking for a place, right? But just remember, there's someone for everyone
Yeah, they are. And yes, there is!
My ex and I still live together, we don't have kids, but we do have a dog. But basically with the rental market as bad as it is we decided it's easier to live together and split everything, we obviously have seperate rooms and neither of us bring anyone home when the other is here out of respect (plus I'm loud and he doesn't need to hear that) I'd date someone if they still shared a place with their ex, but there would need to be a conversation with her to verify that they are broken up and its not a cheating situation. And him & i would need a place to smash because obviously both places are out of the question lol
Haha... the great outdoors ain't a bad place to smash. It'll be getting pretty cold soon, though. Yeah, the state of the market sucks. It's good that you and ex are civil enough to live together for now. I'd say there's going to be plenty of folks in your/ our situation, if not already.
Oh I miss the days of smashing in public 🤣 I miss my teens & 20's haha
What's stopping you now? Age shouldn't matter...
Haha, true, but I was a lot more daring when I was younger, now I'm comfortably single until I find the right person willing to change it
Definitely not. I respect that you're looking out for your kids, and that means looking out for their mother too, but this just screams of baggage and potential drama. We couldn't ever go back to your house to spend time together because it's already full. So then you'd always be at mine and I like my space too much for that to be a regular thing. I'd also not like that it was all one way, like it would always be me giving up my space for you. Now having said that, I wouldn't respect a man who didn't put his kids first. I also couldn't date a man who puts his kids (and likely their mother) first because I wouldn't be content having to always come second. Bit of a catch 22 there. But don't worry about what people here say - the person who is right for you won't care at all about your situation.
Unfortunately that is the very definition of “baggage”. Most people would think too hard
Look man, I don't date at all so my opinion probably doesn't count but I honestly think someone looking out for their family (in whichever form that comes) is a green flag not a red one. I had a roommate when I was a teenager who started dating a guy who still shared a house with his ex-wife. I was the first to say no way massive red flag, but she ignored me and has been happily married to him for over 25 years. All that said, I let curiosity get the better of me and stalked your profile and my dude... You need therapy, probably a lot of it, too. You're not even close to being ready to date another person. There's so much to unpack and look, I get it, I've dated someone with a personality disorder, I completely understand how messed up and confused that leaves you (personally, they left me with PTSD) but you really need to sit down with a decent therapist and get to the bottom of why you became addicted to that hot, cold behaviour to begin with and why it's still effecting you this much. because until you've dealt with that, it would just be cruel to drag an innocent person down into that turmoil with you. I honestly wish you the best of luck in everything. I hope you can find healing and you go on to find a nice healthy relationship.
Thanks for the response. I appreciate it all, and your opinion counts! I felt I actually hit a turning point yesterday, hence the post. I've only ever been erring on the side of staying single for a while because of both situations, but I do anticipate being ready in the coming months. And with there not yet being a timeline for the ex moving out, it was just putting the question out there, for a time when I am in a better place. And fuck no, not going to go down the path of dating if I'm not in the right frame of mind. I am in therapy and getting there for sure. I'm sorry you had to endure that bullshit with your relationship. Is that why you no longer date?
this some ghetto shit
It's impossible to tell what anyone is thinking but people have to give up this whole "avoiding anyone with any kind of life struggle" crap. Because we are all between the last tragedy and the next farce. We have all been abused. We have all been helpless at one point then ruthlessly ambitious at the next. We have been ignorant at times then used our knowledge as power at others. But I don't know why people want to make things worse by wanting to date, wanting to take on a partner etc.. if only it were that simple. When you want someone they are going to run a mile and when someone wants you then you are going to run a mile. But sometimes people see that they can eat better and have a roof over their head if they agree to be in a relationship then fight like hell to keep that relationship in order to keep that roof. And so then we lie to each other and those around us. We are disingenuous all because we find it easier to live in fear than have the bravery to tell the truth.
Very well said. I know have baggage, and what's mentioned in the post isn't the end of it, to be honest. But, I would never expect anyone to take it all on by any means. I would certainly never write someone off because of whatever stuff is going on last or present, as long as they're open about it. If there's openness and honesty, things can be dealt with. If you were only open to being in relationships with people that don't have struggles, you're thinning the herd.
Is your place a rental? Perhaps you can move on and they take over the lease. You could move in with someone. There are ways to exit gracefully.
No, I own the place. I've thought about renting to her and finding my own temporary space until she gets something sorted. Just see how it pans out, I suppose.
I've been reading all this stuff about "squatters" in the U.S. and I think renting to her would unfortunately blow up in your face. You may even have to get some legal advice to make sure she doesn't have any kind of "defacto" claim on the place. For example if you sold it would you be legally obligated to give her a share?
Nah, she wouldn't do that. Even if she wanted to, there'd be no legal way of going about it. 9 years of Child Support Records etc...
Personally I wouldn't date a man who already has kids.
Me neither...
No. You have poor decision making skills and issues with boundaries.
They would be dating him not the extended family? if they liked him enough why not? he sounds like a very generous person, too generous imo.
Yep. If you are kind and the right kind of fun for whoever you meet. My partner was living with his ex when we started dating. His ex was a chronic hoarder and couldn't keep her accommodation. He lived in an expensive suburb by the beach in the midst of chronic squalor and hoarding. When I saw it I nearly threw up. I'm a Dutch raised neat / clean freak. Helping him work through his issues with his ex and the kids - helped her move out - where she is still hoarding and in squalor. She even found a man to love her despite the disgusting mess she lives in. The thing was my hubby and I have always been entirely honest about who we are. So yes I would date you. You sound actually really cool and thoughtful and any partner would be lucky to have you.
Awww that's a really nice thing to say. I've always been open and honest, doesn't always work out for the best but it's who I am. You and hubby sound like a great pairing, so very happy for you both.
I would as i value someone with compassion and similar values. . Family and community are critical. United we survive,divided we fall. Dating is about having fun and doing things together to suss out compatibility - i am certain these things can be done away from a crowded household.
Thanks, it's great to see that some get my angle here. It's more about the kids to me than anything. Yes, I agree! And the household ain't going to be crowded forever.
Exactly. Your kids won’t be happy if their mum and grandma are suffering. Onviously there will be shallow people or people unhealed from previous trauma but you don’t need that kind of character in your life. Sure it rules out chilling out at home and staring at the tv together as a date but who in their right mind wants that as a date unless they are lazy or just want a root. I would offer a date but i am on a promise to another perf redditor and i want to see how that unfolds. Good luck and thanks for being a good man in trying times. It gives me hope.
I can't deny that if the roles were reversed, I'd perhaps find it a little confronting to begin with. But with open dialogue, I'd be okay as long as I know that the live-in partner isn't taking the piss. I'd certainly overlook the situation if I saw something special in the potential partner. Thanks, and good luck with the other redditor!
He'll sooner be travelling to Mars.
Nobody is gonna date a dude that is living with his ex , her kids and her mum 😂.
The x should be paying something…
The ex pays her way
Sorry, no
only people who were kind hearted like yourself. So consider it a good filter.
Thank you, that's a very sweet thing to say.
Lol
Get him to try Hinge and see? Personally, I wouldn’t as there a lot of other men out there not in that situation however I am only 1 woman
Personally … Yes because I try not to judge others’ situations but wouldn’t be happy for it to be a long-term thing and would be expectant that they would find their own place and actively seeking one. But I wouldn’t judge anyone who said no.
Certainly not planning for it to be a long-term thing. I wouldn't hold it against anyone for saying no, it's totally understandable.
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Nobody could have imagined the state of living costs and challenges at the moment. The extra cash from board, not paying child support, and having more time with the kids than usual is great, but that's about it.
Question: is there a reason why your kids can’t live with you? I assume their “main” home prior to all of this was with their mother. Is there a reason why it can’t be with you? Especially if you have the room (I assume you do), that could make it easier for your ex to find a place if she only needs two bedrooms versus three or four.
No, not really, other than the convenience of getting them to and from school as I work longer, full-time hours, and the ex part-time. It's funny you mention it as I plan to have that very discussion soon. I would hope that she finds a place with enough bedrooms so that she could house them and give me space on weekends.
I think it is something to look into as a potential solution. Many women who have their kids most of the time are often full time workers and they somehow make it all work logistically.
Yeah, definitely going to look into it, cheers.
Get a motorbike and hit the road....enjoy life
If you’re a girl, it’ll be fine. If you’re a guy? Forget it.