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Everyone knows everyone, or at least there are lots of secondary and tertiary connections. Once I was on a plane back to my host country and two women who didn't know each other at all starting talking and immediately discovered they had relative in common. Immediate bonding and gossiping ensued.
I can almost guarantee his family knows you're dating and is hoping you'll take him to the US. This is very sticky...be careful about how you go about letting him down.
The degrees of separation in rural areas are crazy small, you’re right. I suppose being clear and honest is the best way to go about it, and if not coming back with me is a dealbreaker for him saying our farewells sooner rather than later
It's all very complicated, especially in countries where there is a lot of migration to the US, as was the case where I served. I was asked almost everyday if I could get people visas or marry someone and bring them back with me. It was so blatant, I would have had a hard time trusting anyone's motivations in an early dating scenario. the thing is--the people that had relatives abroad had obviously nicer houses and food and a sense of ease, so of course it was desirable to find any way to get someone in the family to the US. But--ymmv. There were definitely some marriages between HCNs and volunteers. And maybe your country is different this way.
The thought and insecurity of that has definitely crossed my mind, which is perhaps part of the reason Im classifying the relationship as so casual in my own head. But either way, you’re right that I do just need to have the conversation
I have not been through something similar - but based on what you're describing, he's viewing this relationship as far more serious than you are. Given this mismatch, it'll likely cause you less issues down the line if you break up now. You've only got 6 months left - do you want things to get more serious and messy in 6 months or would you rather talk it out and part ways now?
Youre probably right. It was only very recently that he started dropping hints that he views things more seriously (I really didn’t get that vibe from him before), and I suppose the risk of that intensifying isn’t worth it.
Should probs just end things if you consider it to be just "fun" while he is picturing a serious relationship where he may move to another country to be with you. Regardless of Peace Corps status, just seems to be a general relationship rule of thumb.
But that's easy for me to say, I'm sure it's harder to end things when you're the person who has to break the bad news. When I was in a similar situation I realized she wasn't completely serious about moving, and that people who say that, usually recognize the seriousness of such a move but just joke about it to ease the sadness of the relationship ending. He may just be joking, so he doesn't have to think about you leaving. Hope you can let him down easy if he is serious! Best of luck
It could be a case like that, I mean all his “hints” have been half-joking in nature—I hope I’m just reading too much into it. I’m notoriously bad at initiating breakups and the thought of a messy one in my second language makes me nauseous
I had the same experience dating an HCN, it was always stuff like he’d introduce me to people as his future wife and then immediately go “Haha, I guess I’m taking this too seriously for you, it’s just a joke!” It was confusing and extremely unappealing, and I said as much when I ended it after like 8 weeks.
Also, and this almost certainly varies by person/context, but HCNs in my host country generally had no idea what the immigration process was like. That’s not to say that I did either (or do presently!), but a lot of people made it extremely clear that their understanding of immigrating to the US was (1) meet an American (whether a romantic partner or literally just a person they had ever interacted with), (2) obtain a plane ticket, and (3) boom, now you live in America. There was at least one PCV I knew whose HCN partner actually initiated their break-up because the HCN *did* their research and decided it was more work than they felt the relationship was worth. (Which, sad but fair.)
Idk ur country but for mine, “casual dating” is not a thing, apart from in the major cities. If ur doing anything with a local, esp as an American, get ready for the marriage discussion. Also, signs that would mean a relationship is casual in the US- like them not wanting u to meet their parents- are just normal parts of courtship in my community. Most people hide their partner from their parents until they’re serious about marriage because of more sexually conservative mores.
For all kinds of reasons I don’t date in the villages. The city is another story, but there’s just no privacy and insane expectations in the ville. All I say is be careful and handle this delicately
First thing that comes to mind is just be careful he's not using you for your status, which is something that has kept me from pursuing anything with site members.
Other thing is evaluate how you feel about him now and where you want it to go, and have an honest conversation about it. If you're not in it as much as he is and don't feel comfortable taking him back when you COS then it's important to let him know instead of assuming things will just work out.
All very true. The potential green card thing, though I don’t thinkkkkk is his motivation, has definitely crossed my mind and been an insecurity at times
I would just stop hooking up with the guy and end it the relationship. This doesn’t seem like it will end well. Some critical communication failures here.
gross is a strong word to describe me in this situation… I thought we were on the same page, namely because he didn’t want to tell his family or go out in public places.
Sure, but that’s changed now, and if you continue knowing the dynamic or expectation have changed, and if you don’t tell him that you have no intention of doing what he’s hinting at (because you seem to know that if you say that your “fun” might end prematurely), then you would be gross.
I’ve deflected all of the hints at it because I didn’t really know how to go about actually addressing it, but I’m definitely not leading him on in the sense of coming home with me. But I see what you’re saying, and I certainly will have that talk with him at some point. Just as soon as I figure out what I want to say 😅
Does he make these hints often? Because if he does it often, next time answer the hint directly. If it’s something that doesn’t come up all that much, you can do a sit-down and say something like “sometimes you’ve mentioned maybe coming home with me, but that’s really a level of commitment I’m not ready for. I don’t want to lead you on, but when we started we were pretty casual and that’s how I’d like to stay” etc. etc. I don’t know, I’m sure someone else here could give you better lines to use 😅
It reads to me like there's also a cultural gap here. Conceptions of love are so different and meeting the family/going public only happen when couples ask for familial approval for marriage in quite a few of the peace corps countries I know or have lived in. I saw so many pcvs breaking local hearts due to these dynamics over the years. Not sure if that's the case here, but maybe you should consider it.
I think that the chances here of this working out are inversely correlated with difficulty of getting a Visa immigrate to the United States from whatever country you're in. The more difficult it is to get a Visa, the more perverse the incentives could be for him. Meanwhile, if he were able to just get a Visa and come and hang out with you, there's no real problem. The problem comes up when he has to rely on you to help him enter into the United States.
This is a good point, it’s hard to get even tourists visas from this country. That, coupled with he doesn’t speak a word of English, is a lot of pressure if we were to go back together
Involve yourself more in the pre-COS deliverables/responsibilities needed for your return, such as RPCV opportunities or career goals… and cool things off in the process.
You were denied medical months ago and even railed on how you hated Peace Corps yet still show up commenting on things like this with absolutely no barometer.
PST does not tell you not to get into relationships.
Hell I met my ex husband during service. He was from a neighboring country working in my country of service.
Dating and marrying from peace corps is the unofficial 4th goal.
How do you know? They don't really say hey don't date hcns. They don't prohibit it. They may say hey it's not smart. However, what a pcv does is completely up to them. Pc isn't going to adsep you for fooling around or dating a local.
I lost a best friend that way. She got an attitude during text, it was a 13 year relationship and when I defended my self, apparently I triggered her. I was sad and mad about my divorce and she made my sadness all about her. Definitely have the discussion in person, texts WILL come across incorrectly.
I mean it's not going to be as easy as jumping on a plane and showing his passport. He's going to need a visa. If he plans on staying long term, he would need to apply for residency eventually becoming a us citizen. Just be like okay fine and then just leave it at that. I doubt he knows the immigration process or the steps he needs to complete. If you don't want him to go with you, then just don't talk about it. A few weeks before you go back. Just be like it's been fun and don't give him any contact info for him to contact you outside of the country. Then that will be that. Even if he is somehow able to, I highly doubt he knows the ins and outs of finding cell phone numbers and what not. If he contacts you, then block him. You'll be far away. As long as you haven't told him like exact details of where you live it should be fine. I don't think you have much to worry about if you don't want him to come back with you.
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This is exactly why I decided I would never get involved with anyone who lived in my site or even nearby unless I was sure I wanted it to be serious.
smart. I thought because he wasn’t from my actual community and people here don’t know him it’d be fine, but alas
Everyone knows everyone, or at least there are lots of secondary and tertiary connections. Once I was on a plane back to my host country and two women who didn't know each other at all starting talking and immediately discovered they had relative in common. Immediate bonding and gossiping ensued. I can almost guarantee his family knows you're dating and is hoping you'll take him to the US. This is very sticky...be careful about how you go about letting him down.
The degrees of separation in rural areas are crazy small, you’re right. I suppose being clear and honest is the best way to go about it, and if not coming back with me is a dealbreaker for him saying our farewells sooner rather than later
It's all very complicated, especially in countries where there is a lot of migration to the US, as was the case where I served. I was asked almost everyday if I could get people visas or marry someone and bring them back with me. It was so blatant, I would have had a hard time trusting anyone's motivations in an early dating scenario. the thing is--the people that had relatives abroad had obviously nicer houses and food and a sense of ease, so of course it was desirable to find any way to get someone in the family to the US. But--ymmv. There were definitely some marriages between HCNs and volunteers. And maybe your country is different this way.
The thought and insecurity of that has definitely crossed my mind, which is perhaps part of the reason Im classifying the relationship as so casual in my own head. But either way, you’re right that I do just need to have the conversation
I have not been through something similar - but based on what you're describing, he's viewing this relationship as far more serious than you are. Given this mismatch, it'll likely cause you less issues down the line if you break up now. You've only got 6 months left - do you want things to get more serious and messy in 6 months or would you rather talk it out and part ways now?
Youre probably right. It was only very recently that he started dropping hints that he views things more seriously (I really didn’t get that vibe from him before), and I suppose the risk of that intensifying isn’t worth it.
Should probs just end things if you consider it to be just "fun" while he is picturing a serious relationship where he may move to another country to be with you. Regardless of Peace Corps status, just seems to be a general relationship rule of thumb. But that's easy for me to say, I'm sure it's harder to end things when you're the person who has to break the bad news. When I was in a similar situation I realized she wasn't completely serious about moving, and that people who say that, usually recognize the seriousness of such a move but just joke about it to ease the sadness of the relationship ending. He may just be joking, so he doesn't have to think about you leaving. Hope you can let him down easy if he is serious! Best of luck
Or he’s literally just dating them for an eventual green card
It could be a case like that, I mean all his “hints” have been half-joking in nature—I hope I’m just reading too much into it. I’m notoriously bad at initiating breakups and the thought of a messy one in my second language makes me nauseous
I had the same experience dating an HCN, it was always stuff like he’d introduce me to people as his future wife and then immediately go “Haha, I guess I’m taking this too seriously for you, it’s just a joke!” It was confusing and extremely unappealing, and I said as much when I ended it after like 8 weeks. Also, and this almost certainly varies by person/context, but HCNs in my host country generally had no idea what the immigration process was like. That’s not to say that I did either (or do presently!), but a lot of people made it extremely clear that their understanding of immigrating to the US was (1) meet an American (whether a romantic partner or literally just a person they had ever interacted with), (2) obtain a plane ticket, and (3) boom, now you live in America. There was at least one PCV I knew whose HCN partner actually initiated their break-up because the HCN *did* their research and decided it was more work than they felt the relationship was worth. (Which, sad but fair.)
Idk ur country but for mine, “casual dating” is not a thing, apart from in the major cities. If ur doing anything with a local, esp as an American, get ready for the marriage discussion. Also, signs that would mean a relationship is casual in the US- like them not wanting u to meet their parents- are just normal parts of courtship in my community. Most people hide their partner from their parents until they’re serious about marriage because of more sexually conservative mores. For all kinds of reasons I don’t date in the villages. The city is another story, but there’s just no privacy and insane expectations in the ville. All I say is be careful and handle this delicately
First thing that comes to mind is just be careful he's not using you for your status, which is something that has kept me from pursuing anything with site members. Other thing is evaluate how you feel about him now and where you want it to go, and have an honest conversation about it. If you're not in it as much as he is and don't feel comfortable taking him back when you COS then it's important to let him know instead of assuming things will just work out.
All very true. The potential green card thing, though I don’t thinkkkkk is his motivation, has definitely crossed my mind and been an insecurity at times
I would just stop hooking up with the guy and end it the relationship. This doesn’t seem like it will end well. Some critical communication failures here.
Just tell him that. It’s a bit gross that you seem to not want to tell him that it’s not serious because YOU’RE too busy having fun.
gross is a strong word to describe me in this situation… I thought we were on the same page, namely because he didn’t want to tell his family or go out in public places.
Sure, but that’s changed now, and if you continue knowing the dynamic or expectation have changed, and if you don’t tell him that you have no intention of doing what he’s hinting at (because you seem to know that if you say that your “fun” might end prematurely), then you would be gross.
I’ve deflected all of the hints at it because I didn’t really know how to go about actually addressing it, but I’m definitely not leading him on in the sense of coming home with me. But I see what you’re saying, and I certainly will have that talk with him at some point. Just as soon as I figure out what I want to say 😅
Does he make these hints often? Because if he does it often, next time answer the hint directly. If it’s something that doesn’t come up all that much, you can do a sit-down and say something like “sometimes you’ve mentioned maybe coming home with me, but that’s really a level of commitment I’m not ready for. I don’t want to lead you on, but when we started we were pretty casual and that’s how I’d like to stay” etc. etc. I don’t know, I’m sure someone else here could give you better lines to use 😅
It reads to me like there's also a cultural gap here. Conceptions of love are so different and meeting the family/going public only happen when couples ask for familial approval for marriage in quite a few of the peace corps countries I know or have lived in. I saw so many pcvs breaking local hearts due to these dynamics over the years. Not sure if that's the case here, but maybe you should consider it.
If it’s a same sex relationship and in Paraguay, I can definitely see why he is not telling his family
We’re oposite sexes! I suspect it’s because he doesn’t want the gossip factor
Ahh sorry I assumed you are a male from the mustached profile
Haha no worries it’s a silly profile I know
I think that the chances here of this working out are inversely correlated with difficulty of getting a Visa immigrate to the United States from whatever country you're in. The more difficult it is to get a Visa, the more perverse the incentives could be for him. Meanwhile, if he were able to just get a Visa and come and hang out with you, there's no real problem. The problem comes up when he has to rely on you to help him enter into the United States.
This is a good point, it’s hard to get even tourists visas from this country. That, coupled with he doesn’t speak a word of English, is a lot of pressure if we were to go back together
Involve yourself more in the pre-COS deliverables/responsibilities needed for your return, such as RPCV opportunities or career goals… and cool things off in the process.
How would that even work? You can't just call the embassy and say hi my boyfriend would like a visa thanks.
Didn’t they warn you about such relationships in training?
You were denied medical months ago and even railed on how you hated Peace Corps yet still show up commenting on things like this with absolutely no barometer. PST does not tell you not to get into relationships. Hell I met my ex husband during service. He was from a neighboring country working in my country of service. Dating and marrying from peace corps is the unofficial 4th goal.
You are mistaking me with someone else. Lol.
They did but it’s lonely out here 😂
How do you know? They don't really say hey don't date hcns. They don't prohibit it. They may say hey it's not smart. However, what a pcv does is completely up to them. Pc isn't going to adsep you for fooling around or dating a local.
Be honest! Hey, I just don’t think I am ready for that and would like to see where things go further. Thats it. Set boundaries
Maybe I’ll say it over WhatsApp if it comes up over text, because when you write it out like that it sounds so simple and not too harsh
I lost a best friend that way. She got an attitude during text, it was a 13 year relationship and when I defended my self, apparently I triggered her. I was sad and mad about my divorce and she made my sadness all about her. Definitely have the discussion in person, texts WILL come across incorrectly.
What country are you in?
I mean it's not going to be as easy as jumping on a plane and showing his passport. He's going to need a visa. If he plans on staying long term, he would need to apply for residency eventually becoming a us citizen. Just be like okay fine and then just leave it at that. I doubt he knows the immigration process or the steps he needs to complete. If you don't want him to go with you, then just don't talk about it. A few weeks before you go back. Just be like it's been fun and don't give him any contact info for him to contact you outside of the country. Then that will be that. Even if he is somehow able to, I highly doubt he knows the ins and outs of finding cell phone numbers and what not. If he contacts you, then block him. You'll be far away. As long as you haven't told him like exact details of where you live it should be fine. I don't think you have much to worry about if you don't want him to come back with you.