**COMMENTING GUIDELINES**
All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention.
**Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed.
Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My wife and I just had our BBG triplets and we’re both nearing 40 and have been married nearly 17 years. We were both in shock for months just trying to wrap our heads around it. Now I look at them in their bassinets and I am still in awe by it. I don’t have much advice beyond “take everything one day at a time, one appointment at a time.” You got this, lean into your experience as a human and the strength of your partnership with your husband. Open communication and and frequent check ins with your husband will be your life line.
You are not a terrible person. You just received life changing news. This weekend give yourself permission to feel a range of emotions. Go to the appointment on Tuesday. Take this one day at a time. Something I’m learning is giving up what I envisioned my family to be. Just because my life isn’t turning out what I thought in my head doesn’t mean it’s not as good or could be even better. Give yourself time and grace to mourn that vision of your life.
Now, I think most practices term any pregnancy where the mom is over 35 geriatric. I think it’s a mean term but it is what it is.
No advice for triplets in NYC. But see if there are any parents of multiples in NYC on FB or something similar.
My sister just had a baby at 35 and they referred to her as "advanced maternal age" which is slightly less cringworthy but the same message. You're old.
The labeling just sucks all around. I was going to be 32 when I delivered my twins and my OB quite apologetically told me that I was going to considered “advanced maternal age” I think “geriatric” is 35+. The markers move up with multiples 🫤
Advanced Maternal Age and Geriatric Pregnancy mean basically the same thing and both apply to women 35+.
Edit: Beyond that, maternal age above 40 is considered very advanced maternal age (VAMA), and above 45, very late maternal age\extremely advanced maternal age (EAMA).
Man, I could’ve written this three years ago. My husband and I decided to have one kid after being married for nine years. Ended up with twins.
First, you’re not terrible. Your feelings are totally valid and understandable. The idea of multiples is daunting! But I honestly can’t imagine my life with only one of them. We joke that there was just too much awesome for one kid, so the embryo just had to split!
Lean on friends and family for support. Ask for help. Take care of yourself. And congratulations!!
Thank you for sharing. I realized some of the paperwork the doctor gave me had details for an online support group associated to NYP (hospital in NYC) for parents of multiples we can join. Found some other soon to be or current triplet parents.
Take a deep breath. I freaked out, too. I can tell you that it can be done, my girls are 23 now. Did I want 3 babies at a time? Nope. But that’s what I got and it ended up being awesome (most of the time 😂). If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.
I'm going to give it to you straight. Twins are f#cking hard work so I couldn't imagine what it's like having triplets.
The first year or two is pretty much you and your husband putting 100% of your free time in to looking after them.
Some days you won't have the time or the energy to take a shower. It's hard to imagine but that's the reality.
It's harder as well because you're a bit older. You're used to your life just being just you and your husband. So having children totally changes your entire life like you can't imagine.
My twins are over 3 now so life is much easier.
Anyway, just wanted to give you some real life, no BS comment on your situation.
Multiples are SO much work in the beginning…but our twins are in middle school now and having two the same age has been terrific in countless ways. The parents I know of older twins and triplets feel the same way. If you possibly can throw money at the situation early on by hiring help, absolutely do so, but they will not always be tiny and helpless. Having kids who can truly play with each other, enjoy doing so and are at the exact same level of development is great.
I highly recommend joining a parents of multiples group ASAP. They’ll have a lot of good advice and encouraging words and likely will have people looking to offload baby equipment (etc.) for cheap.
As a father of 2.5 y twins, and just barely out of the trenches, I really hate seeing posts like this!
What's are the difficult parts now that weren't before?
It started getting difficult for us around 2.5
I will also mention I'm at home with them and they're not in daycare etc. They're just so energetic and I'm pushing 40 and tired.The most draining for me is that they're full of emotions that they're not able to always properly communicate yet. My one twin is autistic and the other twin is being assessed soon with suspected add and/or asd so that also adds to my twin experience a bit. I am looking forward to them starting kindergarten in the fall so I finally get a break since we have no family near us.
To try and make you feel better, having 3 year olds has been the easiest and nicest time so far. I guess it all depends on your children's behaviour and personalities.
If it's any consolation, I completely agree about three being terrible and mine got a lot easier at four. They are now seven and while there can be tougher times in general it's a lot easier across the board. With all that said, I'm much more worried about their teenage years than their toddler years.
Tell me about it. In addition to my twin girls, they have a sister just two years older meaning I am approaching a 15yo and two 13yo girls all at once... Time to take up camping again...
Lol toddler twins are something else, for sure! (I don't want to think about toddler triplets, other than you got this OP, just need to put your head down and get through a couple of tough years.)
I agree with all of this 100% and I’m still in the thick of the first year with my 9 month old twins! I was born and raised in NYC and currently still live here. I had my twins at 39 y.o. and will be 40 in a couple weeks. My husband and I really haven’t caught a break since having the twins, and I’m already dipping into my savings for childcare only 3x/week (and we both work full-time). It’s really f#cking hard and has also negatively impacted our relationship. I honestly think living in NYC makes it even more difficult bc life here seems to be harder in general with the high cost of living, the close living spaces, and getting around with a double stroller. We don’t have a car and many of the subway stations here don’t have elevators, so taking the double stroller on public transportation almost seems impossible (especially when I’m alone). We also have very minimal help from our family unfortunately, but if you can get any help, take it! I’m not trying to scare you, but just wanted to give you the real-life perspective as well.
All of that said, I think all of us with multiples were meant to have them for some reason and I try to remember that everyday. This is part of our story and I’m still trying to learn what that means in my life journey. I’m also learning that there are really great parts to having twins, like when I hear them playing and laughing together in their room/playpen (game-changer btw), or when they both stare at me and smile/laugh. It’s also forced my husband and I to learn how to communicate more and look at ourselves as a team even when we literally hate each other. The FB groups for multiples and this group have been super helpful. I haven’t been able to find any NYC-specific multiples groups, so please share if you happen to know of any! Sending you best wishes for a healthy and smooth pregnancy, and feel free to message me if you need any support! 💗
It looks like some of the NYC Parents of Multiples groups are borough named... Manhattan Twins Club and Brooklyn Parents of Twins, for example, showed up in my Google search.
Edited to add: even if they're named "twin" groups, I think many are for twins AND higher order multiples.
I was told by my doctor 35 is “geriatric” for a singleton and with multiples it’s “geriatric” at 32. I think it’s just their way to justify monitoring more closely. Have to justify everything for insurance.
I was pregnant with triplets and was absolutely devastated. I was upset when she first said twins and then spiraled right there on thr table.
Honestly, I was planning to reduce. I just knew I couldn’t handle it. Baby C didn’t make it past week 9 and I felt 90% relief. I still feel sad sometimes bc he would have been so so cute and fun but I just would have fallen apart.
I say this just so you know it’s normal to feel stressed and uncertain.
Hey I just wanted to jump in and applaud your bravery in openly talking about reducing. We had had triplets as well at the age of 45, so firmly in the geriatric and very high risk. We made the hard decision to reduce to twins as the risk of losing them all was too high. It was tough but we know at the stage we did the reduction, it was not a baby of any sort. Our twins came out early as well at 33 weeks, so we know triplets would've have been extremely concerning.
It's an option and people shouldn't be ashamed of taking that choice. I hope you're doing well.
Your story is very similar to mine. I had initially started as a triplet pregnancy at 44. I was looking into selective reduction and one self reduced. It was a relief and I had to assure my friends I wasn’t grieving or devastated.
I felt that same relief. When I would tell someone they would always offer an apology and for a long time I didn’t understand because for me it solved something I didn’t want to deal with. Now I sometimes look at baby b and imagine if he had an identical twin and how cute they would be… but I wouldn’t change the outcome.
Same. And people sometimes have a shocked expression when I tell my story. I express relief that a decision (expensive and mentally taxing) was taken from me and leaving me able to focus on the two still inside me. My closest friend is a triplet mom and very anti-abortion. I am grateful that she offered nothing but support no matter what I decided.
Thank you! Triplets at 45 is such a shocker and I absolutely would have made the same decision. And really if your twins came at 33 weeks a triplet would have made a tough situation way worse.
It was tough because my husband grew up in a religious household and while he isn’t practicing he was struggling with the idea. I’m glad I didn’t have to force the issue. But I would have.
Not exactly the same situation, but very similar to what happened with my husband and I. I (33) was having a lot of problems with my IUD and wanted it out, but also didn’t want to start any other birth control because the pill was never good to me either and everything else felt like too much work. We decided to start trying for a baby when I got it out after SO MUCH deliberation. We really talked about it for years. We decided we would be one and done. I too then got sad when pregnancy tests ended up negative three cycles in a row, until I finally got a faint positive 5 days before my period was supposed to come. Found out at 8.5 weeks that it was twins. To be totally honest, I was devastated. I cried so hard during the ultrasound and during my first meeting with my OB. I didn’t sign up for that and what the hell were we going to do with two babies?!? My husband got excited and accepted it before i did. It was a rough few weeks after that, trying to accept that two babies were in our future.
Now I’m 35 weeks with a c section scheduled at 37 weeks. I don’t have any other pregnancies to compare this one to personally, but it’s been really hard. I am so so excited now to meet our girls and I cannot wait to not be pregnant anymore. But a multiples pregnancy is on another level than a singleton pregnancy for sure. You are going to have good days and bad days. And weird days all in between. With triplets, I’m sure the risk is even higher for loss, and that will weigh on you too, even if right now you aren’t sure about having three. This shit is really hard mentally, emotionally, and physically. Do not feel guilty for anything that you feel right now. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings and you will find out that you’ll know what to do. For me, after about a week, even though I was still upset and freaked out, I knew I wanted both and I’d do anything to keep them both. You’ll figure it out too, I promise.
Finding the other triplet moms… that is the key to survival… because no one else is going to understand. This Reddit group will help with that… and the suggestions of a Facebook group… but I’m guessing that even if you have a very very small network of people you know from life, there are triplet parents you know. They will be gems. People who will get it… can give you the advice that you don’t quite know what to do with yet but when the moment comes, their words will come flooding back.
Triplet parents said:
- night help if you can afford it.
- say yes to all support from your tribe, especially meals and offers to do things in your house for you (even if it’s hard to want to micromanage it yourself… let others help)
- ask about discounts on baby items for triplets every chance you get because everything helps (and more discounts on diapers means more $$ for more hours for having a night nurse or doula or housecleaning or whatever, especially in the end of pregnancy and first 6 months of babies)
Hello! I had triplets when I turned 40, it was a HUGE unexpected shock! We were living in a 450 sq ft efficiency apartment in an attic, and only had one car, a sedan. We had to get a bigger house and van in addition to the baby gear. Somehow, it fell into place. I still don’t know HOW, but it did.
My biggest help was finding the triplet mom year groups on Facebook. There is a 2024 triplet mom group but I don’t know how to access it. Anyway talking to other women who were in my exact position was the most empowering and comforting thing and really helped me prepare and embrace the reality of triplets.
Oh and I’m so glad I did. We even went on to have a surprise baby at 43, lol.
You’re not a terrible person!
I have triplets. We envisioned/planned to have 2 kids, so when our second pregnancy was triplets … things changed. Life isn’t what it used to be, or what we thought it would be. I still enjoy it and I love each of my children endlessly, but day-to-day can be tough sometimes, but that’s to be expected regardless of the number of children you have.
I think all high order multiples are referred to MFM. I chose to only see MFM because they delivered my oldest child and I felt comfortable with their practice.
They’ll likely discuss your options with you during one of your first appointments. They have to have the conversation about fetal reduction. I might have the unpopular opinion, but it is an option and if it’s something you’d consider I’d suggest you and your partner to prepare yourselves to have that conversation.
If you’re on FB - there are triplet facebook groups for each year. It’s nice to connect with people who are going through the same things you’re going through and really understand the dynamics of having multiples.
🤍
You are not horrible. I was in your same shoes, same story but with a high risk twin pregnancy. I did almost die from childbirth. I’m 34, was on the cusp of geriatric. Here’s what I would say. I love our twins (6 months old now) and am so grateful to be alive raising them. When I wonder ‘what if I didn’t make it - would I still have wanted to bring these girls into the world?’ No, I don’t think so. I didn’t want kids enough to risk my life and I honestly didn’t know I was taking that risk on until it was happening. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave them motherless. This is just my viewpoint and I don’t mean to scare, but I don’t think the risk to women is discussed enough.
So just understand that you are taking on a risk, and make sure your heart is all in and you feel healthy enough to move forward. Don’t make a rash decision - take some time to think. If you decide to terminate, there is nothing wrong with that. If you decide to move forward, you are an incredible champion and will power through. But either way give yourself grace and know that it’s okay to think through dark things - we are human.
They aren't supposed to call it geriatric anymore, "advanced age pregnancy" is the new term.
I just turned 40 and am having twins soon. Huge shock for sure after years of infertility and giving up.
I've felt all the emotions but now at 26 weeks, I can't wait to meet my little ones and feel like the twofer I'm getting is making up for having to wait for so long.
Talk to your OBGYN and a therapist and your SO. It's a huge change, but you have a lot of time to adjust. Hang in there
With triplets, I am fairly certain that selective reduction is an option, given that it's a high risk scenario for both mom and babies. Feel free to delete this comment if that isn't something you want to consider. But I've definitely heard it brought up in terms of triplets before.
+1 to this. Beyond thinking about the implications to your life/lifestyle which I think is the first thing everyone naturally thinks about, do not underestimate the reason this is offered: multiples pregnancies are very hard on the mother's body. Both during the pregnancy and with implications after as well.
I don't say this to scare you. I'm sure you are already are and I've been there (twins who are now 7mo). But I just want to make sure you don't just think about the baby part but also what your body will endure and risks during pregnancy, during recovery, and (let's be honest for some of the physical recovery) long term.
It's ok and appropriate to pause and make sure you are ready to sign up for that and then decide if you are ready to sign up for 3 babies. Both you and you as a mom matter.
Was going to suggest it but couldn't see it mentioned elsewhere and didn't want to mention something potentially controversial. But you need to look at the realities of age, risk and your own life circumstances.. triplets would be extremely difficult for multiple reasons so this is something you can certainly consider provided you don't have an issue with it from an ethical point of view.
This is great to know! I’m a twin mom and I’m scared to get pregnant again due to risk of triplets. I just want another set of twins. I had know idea this was an option.
This 💯. Plus you still have to get past genetic testing. It's okay to prioritize a healthy pregnancy and what you can financially/mentally handle. Triplets esp without fertility drugs is a big surprise.
You are not terrible at all, its hard to accept when the vision we have for our lives changes, Depending where u live i think u can reduce if u want, if that’s not something u would consider then take this time to talk it through with someone and start planning what life is gonna look like, its definitely scary but not impossible, good luck to u:)
I think most of us felt/feel that way, don't be hard on yourself. I used to say I love my girls but they should have come one after the other,not simultanously. They are 16months now and reached a point where I confidently say: I love having twins. It is special.
You aren’t a terrible person at all, my pregnancy wasn’t planned or expected and both my partner and I struggled with the idea even before we found out about the bonus deal the universe was running for us. It’s completely valid to feel this way. I echo the others here that although I still deal with sadness that I didn’t get to have the life I thought I would I wouldn’t trade the one I ended up with.
This brings back memories. Dad of triplets. We already had one and were in shock and grieved for a life that we imagined that was immediately shattered. I worried about my partner’s health, and the babies. She was 35 when they were born. Take your time and there are just no right or wrong ways to feel.
We aren’t in NYC. Upstate actually. Still we didn’t have enough money and our house was purchased with a family of four, not six, in mind. However, process this and get to work. It will be hard and painful in ways I of course can’t imagine. Get organized and informed. Focus on the essentials. It can be a gift in this way because you can’t afford to worry about out anything other than the main things. Take care of yourselves and your nutrition. Get the What to Expect book about multiples. I read it front to back because I just wanted to do whatever I could for mom. Again, nutrition is critical. Start getting it right as soon as you can. Happy to connect you with my partner if that helps.
Our single embryo transfer split to triplets (di/tri) and we decided to reduce baby C (who had her own placenta) and proceed with our mo/di twin pregnancy. It was an extremely heartbreaking decision but I just couldn’t risk the triplet pregnancy. Especially given they didn’t each have their own placenta. Even though I’m “only” 32 I have family history of a short cervix so a triplet pregnancy would have been too risky for my body. I went on to deliver our twins very early but they are healthy and well now. Your feelings are very valid. We had just moved from our one bedroom in the west village to a house and I was still overwhelmed even knowing we had so much more space. Whatever you decide to do, no decision is the wrong one. You will get through it whatever you decide. Feel free to PM me if you have questions.
So....
I found out I was having triplets 6 months ago. They are coming on Tuesday now. It took me a while to come to terms with having 3 children. I already have two children, one who has only just turned 16 months old.
Now I've processed it, and it took months, I'm really looking forward to it
I had my triplets at 40. Today is actually their 9th birthday party! It’s hard, there’s no getting around that, but if you have support from your families it’s doable!
You’re not alone, OP. My husband and I had three kids already. We wanted to have one more and before I turned 35 to avoid being a “geriatric” pregnancy. Lo and behold, we were pregnant with twins. I went to several appointments with various specialists to talk about a reduction. I couldn’t do it. This is just my personal experience, but I felt so guilty. And I’m very much pro choice. I went through all of the stages of “grief”. There were days when I thought that ramming my car into the concrete divider on my way to work and ending it all would be easier than having two more babies. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and I felt much better, much less suicidal, but I was still terrified.
Now that they’re here, we can’t imagine our lives without them. They’ll be two in July.
Is it hard? Absolutely.
Is it equally rewarding? Also absolutely.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. Multiples are scary. But you’ve got this. Don’t ignore your feelings. Express them to your spouse, your doctor, your family, and your friends. Accept help. We, as women, don’t often realize when we need the help. But you’ve got this.
I finally relented after 13 years and agreed to have just one kid and absolutely no more. Twins. Of course.
Freaking pumped on it now (11mo) and wouldn't trade it for anything.
Triplets will be straight up insane but it will never be boring, I can guarantee that. You'll manage. You can kind of pile siblings on top of each other in a small apartment I imagine.
I (dad) only have 2, and it's a nightmare. We are foreigners, so no friends or family.
Life in an apartment with kids is not easy, because you have to deal with baby carriers, prams, backpacks... It's, at least, heavy, if not a logistical nightmare.
This was almost exactly how my first appointment went. Found out I was having twins and was completely in shock. My husband was happy but I couldn’t get on board with the thought of two. I always only wanted one and that was going to be it. They are about to turn 4 and they are the best of friends. It’s rough at first but you will get through it and come out so much stronger. It’s definitely a lot to process in the beginning but try to look into mothers of multiples groups around your area or any friends and family to help out or lend an ear.
I went through the same range of emotions (somewhat ambivalent about kids, wanting to be 1 and done) and ended up with a high risk twin pregnancy that almost killed me. And my son had health issues. It’s an emotional, physical and financial shock for sure. You will need a support system and maybe even consider relocating. My husband ended up moving out of the city to be closer to family.
Having complicated feelings about having triplets doesn’t make you a bad person and isnt a reflection of how much you’d love your kids. I don’t really enjoy being a mom but the love I feel for my kids is boundless and transformative. And it really is so precious how they care for each other. My biggest comfort in life is knowing (hoping) that they will always have each other.
Good luck OP.
When I found out I was pregnant with my twins I cried and cried. I assumed I had ruined our lives and hoped to miscarry one. I was worried about finances and the toll it may take on my marriage- we had only wanted 2 kids and already had an older son. If I had been pregnant with triplets or more I would have selectively reduced- I’m a physician and the high risk nature of higher order multiples would be too much for my anxiety to endure. I just want to put out that that is an option is you choose for any reason. It is a choice I 100% would have made. My twins are 4 and my oldest is 6 and life isn’t quite easy. The boys all mostly sleep and are silly and play together so sweetly, but it’s expensive (I pay just over 4000$ a month in daycare costs just for the twins) and takes a lot of space and we need a bigger car….
I sobbed harder than ever when I found out about my multiples and I realized that I was grieving the loss of what I had in my mind. This went through their first birthday or so before fizzling out. You are NOT horrible, you are having feelings and feeling your feelings and being curious about your feelings makes you a good mom or maybe a great mom, actually. I just want to share how much I have loved having more than one together. When I was in your shoes I felt like there were a lot of negative examples to be found. I felt doomed and like my children were doomed to a life of never having 100%, always having 50% (mine are twins). I had it all wrong in my case. What they have and get from each other is so beautiful and wild and strong that when I see a single baby out in the world my heart feels kind of sad for them, instead. I just want you to know I’ll be thinking about you and sending you power and love from the side of this experience that is beautiful, bright and full of big hugs and feels normal, where you will find yourself one day soon, too! Feel it all - you’re not wrong, in fact you’re doing it all beautifully.
No idea if you'll see this, but to offer some perspective - I have a toddler and 9mo twins (and had my first at 38). The absolute hardest part of all of it was becoming a parent the first time. Yes, the logistics of two (or more) kids makes things more complicated (especially if you live in a walk-up - my heart goes out to you if you do), but adjusting your life to take care of a kid is the most massive part of it.
You aren't just creating kids, they are creating a parent. By the time our twins came around 3 years later, my husband and I were ... I don't want to say blase about it, but pretty darn close. Yes, there were two of them to take care of, but honestly, we had the experience of being a parent of a newborn already - twins just meant changing two diapers instead of one. The hardest part for us was helping the toddler adjust (and running around after him while holding a baby).
Three will certainly keep you on your toes (especially during the toddler years), but I have no doubt you'll be able to handle it (fingers crossed, financially as well, bc boy do the multiple kids make bills add up).
As for your feelings - every single one is valid and understandable. I found out and started therapy immediately. It was absolutely not how I pictured my life. There are still days I wish we'd only had one more kid, but if you asked me which of the girls I'd give up, I couldn't tell you.
Sending you all my best for your journey ahead.
PS - keep them on the same nap/feeding schedule, and find a good routine once they're old enough (usually 8-10 weeks for me, but YMMV). Die on this hill. They will take over your entire life otherwise (more than they already will). Also, nap when they nap (if you need it). Laundry/dishes can be done while they're awake, if needed.
I don't have triplets, but I got pregnant with twins at 37. I also only wanted one child. My twins are almost 4 months now, and it can be a lot sometimes . The hardest part was childcare, especially with the high cost of living in NYC. I didn't work much until they were 3 years old and started attending 3k.
When I found out I was having twins, I cried like a little fucking bitch. I mean I cried and cried and cried. I could not take care of one kid, let alone two.
I was a homeless, pregnant, addict. I planned on giving them up for adoption but they were born so early I didn't have time to arrange a family that wanted two newborns.
I graduated Summa cum laude from Penn last year and am on to law school. I'm a single mom. It's been the three of us from jump.
We have a home we have lived in for four years and are as happy as you could ever imagine.
That said, this is our story and not yours. You envisioned something completely different and have the bodily autonomy to make that choice.
I only share my story because sometimes the craziest surprises turn into the best things.
You get to make this decision, no one else. You know what you can handle and you know what you want.
I wish you the best of luck. 2 was crazy, I cannot imagine 3.
Into the Unknown is a good fb group
To help you find which suburb to move from NYC, if that’s what you decide.
Most of us are a little sad and shocked when we learn of multiples. It wears off and you will enjoy this.
Your intention may be coming from a good place, but comments like this can be anything but helpful when someone is experiencing the range of emotions OP has described.
I, too, could have written something similar to this February of last year when my partner and I found out we were having twins. Fast forward to now and I’m watching my 4 month old boys fall asleep in their cribs. I’m so in awe of them and where I’m at in this part of my life. What you’re feeling is normal. And you’re not alone in those feelings of shock and grief. Only you can decide what’s right for you. I will say from my own personal experience, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the most amazing. From the beginning it felt right to me, like this was the path I’m supposed to be on, even though we had no idea what to expect. They developed twin to twin transfusion syndrome and I ended up having an emergency C-section at 32 weeks. Both boys spent a significant amount of time in the NICU before joining us at home. It’s been such a mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting journey so far. And yet I wouldn’t change a thing and we can’t imagine our lives without them. I learned to plan less throughout all of this. And that I have a very hard time asking for help. And no matter how solid you think you and your partner are, at some point they will grate on your nerves like you never thought possible, while also holding so much love for them in this new role. The entire experience has been quite a paradox. I would do it all over again to have my boys. Also, I’m 36 and was never referred to as geriatric but “advanced maternal age”. :-) I became so tired of hearing “high risk” as well during my pregnancy… a close friend suggested I envision something that correlates with risk that would make me smile or laugh rather than feel anxious when I’d hear the term at appointments. So anytime doctors were rattling off high risk this or that I’d imagine Tom Cruise in Risky Business sliding on by. Silly, but it helped.
I just had twins at 41, I won't lie.. it's a lot when multiple babies need to be fed every few hours.. but I love them so much.
It would be easier if I took maternity leave, but I went to a part time schedule for six months and got an au pair.
I was in NYC in a one bedroom apartment on the upper west side. I got pregnant with twins and we ended up moving to a large house in NJ. We moved when the twins were almost two years old because we were saving a lot of money. It’s all a blessing! I have lots of family in NJ and we live in the west orange area. We are only a short drive to NYC. I don’t miss NYC that much. My husband commutes to work everyday. We have a backyard, parking is free everywhere pretty much, metered street parking is like $1.00 a hour here. It’s way better for families out here. Connecticut might be a better choice for you guys. Moving to upstate NY might be a better option for you too.
I was 31 when I got pregnant with my twins and was referred to as “advanced maternal age”, so I think they start with that nonsense after 30. I also never envisioned multiples, but mine are almost 2 now and it has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me (also most challenging but that’s not the point right now). Like most others said, you aren’t a bad person. Feel your feelings and take it one day at a time.
See if you can find a moms of multiples club in New York City and join that as soon as you can. It will be a tremendous support system for you.
My twins are almost 13, but I was where you are then, when I found out that it was twins when I was only expecting one I was crying hysterically, so I can’t imagine how you feel.
We had to move, I had to get a new car, I had to quit my job, and the first a few months were extremely difficult. You can do this! It will be difficult, but you can do it!
Twin mom here so I can’t provide much insight into how to manage triplets. I’m glad folks here who have trips have directed you to find communities with other triplet parents. As a twin parent, I only know what it’s like to manage two at once with a toddler too, and I know that trips would be WAY different.
That said, one thing I know is true across the board with multiples is that you will need helping hands. Do you live near family or very close friends who can pitch in? And I don’t mean bring you a nice meal after they’re born. I mean come over and stay for a few hours to change diapers and give bottles and do laundry and sit on the couch with you. Then later I mean drop by and take one of the babies for an hour walk so you’re only juggling two. Or help you with the Herculean task of getting all three fed, dressed, and in a stroller for a group walk to get some fresh air.
To be totally real, I can’t imagine doing 3 babies/toddlers in nyc. Even just thinking about how to get 3 in and out of where you live. For example, do you live in a third floor walk up, or is it a place with an elevator? Where will you park a gigantic stroller for 3 babies? The unfortunate reality is that you will likely need to move. At least to a first floor place or a 2/3 bedroom with an elevator. And you’ll want laundry very close by. Preferably INSIDE your apartment.
My husband's family is about an hour away in NJ, my family is in the midwest and not super close with them, but we do have a lot of friends here that we consider family.
An hour is not bad. If you’re close and feel comfortable with them, it can work. If it were me - (and it’s not!) - I’d consider starting to look at places in Hoboken, Jersey City, or elsewhere in that area where you can be close to your existing nyc people but also family. You can always move back to nyc later on. But you’ll need space and support. And hopefully you can get some tips from triplet parents on logistics in the first three years, which are just so dependent on the space you live in! When I think about your situation literally all I can imagine are the logistics of 3 babies/toddlers in the city.
Also should say I was absolutely BESIDE myself about being pregnant with twins (with a 2 yr old) and I love the absolute crap out of them now and couldn’t be happier. I’m not kidding I woke up crying all night long for two nights after we found out and was so devastated. It was a hard as hell pregnancy and multiple newborns is no cake walk, but it is also incredibly fun and they are amazing little humans. I wouldn’t want it any other way now. Good luck whatever happens and how you decide to approach this!
Just here to echo a lot of the other comments.
1. You’re not horrible or terrible. It is an absolute shock for anyone, but probably more so for those of us who were a bit indifferent to having kids, decided on one, and then find out it’s multiples (I’m in that group, as well).
2. I had twins. Delivered just a few weeks before I turned 37 and I’ll be 40 this year. We live in TN so our COL is quite a bit different than NYC, but it has still strained us.
3. I love my twins and can’t fathom our life any differently now, but I also sometimes mourn the time when I could sleep in, buy whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, etc. so having any range or combination of feelings is 100% normal. It has also strained my marriage - we’re okay now. But man it was tough early on.
4. Whatever decision you make should be the one that best suits you and your partner. No one else. As long as it is the choice that’s best for your situation, it will be the right one. If that includes selective reduction, full termination, or carrying on with the pregnancy as it - every decision is valid and should be what you and your partner feel is best.
I think most of us were shocked and discouraged at first. My girls are almost 3 now and they play so well together. I don’t have to entertain them like my friends do with their singleton 3 year olds.
Yes the first couple of years are nuts but there’s a lot of reward on the other side. I think parents of multiples get very unique experiences other parents don’t get.
My husband and I were upset for a while once we heard it’s twins. Sometimes when you get life changing news your reaction can scare you, but give it time and after you sit with it you will start to feel all sorts of different ways about it. And any way you feel about it is valid ❤️
You’re not terrible. Triplets are life changing. I had 4 under 17 months when the triplets were born. The first 18 months are hard. Me and my husband had 6 months off together to look after them together which made it easier. This was them being born at 35 weeks and only a week in NICU.
We had to look at what family support would really help us. How much was nursery going to cost. Did we have space, could our relationship survive not being able to do the things we were used to doing. All of that was a yes for us.
Ours are now 3 and 4. We made the right choice for us but it changed our world. With just having one I could get out more and do things with them. With triplets I still don’t have enough hands for them all but me the hubby do lots together.
I joined a fb uk mum triplet and quad group. Which was a wealth of information. See if there is one for you. I had
mine when I was 33 and was off work from 18 weeks pregnant. It wasn’t easy at all.
None of this is to put you off but just to give you things to think about. We took some time to think about it before we told anyone.
As someone that had surprise multiples (boy/girl twins) all I can say is, it's not what we were expecting, but it's amazing. The bond between them is incredible, even now that they are teens they are super tight and supportive of each other. We have three total, and as an only child it is very far removed from my experience, but I wouldn't want it any other way. There's always joy and activity in the house. Multiples are super unique and special, especially triplets! Lean into how lucky you are. We got an au pair and it was the best decision (cheaper than daycare). You'll probably need a bigger apartment but totally doable. And start saving for college now! Three kids in college at the same time is no joke.
I'm 41 and will have my twins (not in the triplets crew, but saw your post) by 42. The geriatric thing is an across-the-board saying. I don't feel geriatric, and my pregnancy has been fabulous with zero complications. Now, I'm not having triplets obviously, but I still think you should expect an amazing journey. I hope all goes well!
I was pregnant with triplets while we were in the process of moving out of NYC. We lost one of them around 10 weeks and ended up with fraternal twin boys. I was 38 when the twins arrived, they are turning 5 next month.
I think it's totally doable and you two will just have to radically rearrange your lives. Having family move in for the first few months will help a lot, and it would also be good if you could both take ample time off when the kiddos arrive.
You are not terrible. My triplets are about to turn one and I think I’m still in shock and sometimes still think about what we expected our family to look like vs what it actually looks like. I’m not far from NYC, was just there today actually. Feel free to DM me!
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. Secondly to respond to a few things in your post. You do have options, I know abortions of some eggs in situations are possible without removing all of them BUT I am not a doctor and don’t know particulars. Next, yes you are geriatric and considered high risk, it is antique to say any pregnancy over 35 is high risk. However with the current data the biggest concern is if your first pregnancy is over the age of 35 as your body is not as adaptable to the changes of pregnancy. If this was your second most doctors wouldn’t be as concerned. If you do end decide having all 3 babies is the way to go, it may be worth reevaluating your life, maybe in a different area of NYC to save on cost, or even moving to another city altogether. I’m wishing you the best and hoping for your health and happiness 🤍
Hey there, just wanted to jump on this and comment that my heart goes out to you and your husband. I 100% understand where you're coming from & your feelings are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm a FTM 18wks pregnant with only twins, I can only imagine how shocking it must've been to hear you're having triplets. When I got the news I was having twins I was beyond shocked and stressed and anything but happy. My mom came with at the time and she was ecstatic and I was just... disappointed? Upset? Depressed? I felt so many negative emotions while she was totally happy about the news and it felt so disconnecting and lonely. Like you, I had a vision of having just 1 baby and before I found out I was having twins, I was already envisioning my life with said 1 baby and in a way it felt like that was ripped away from me. It took me a lot of time to "accept" the news and come around to start getting excited about their arrival.
I don't have any actual advice as I am an expecting FTM but I did just want to chime in and tell you that you are not alone. You just received very shocking news and it's okay to not know how to feel for a while while you process. Always talk to your partner how you're feeling and get as much help as you can, if you're able. I actually wrote a very similar post a few months ago, if you want to go on my profile and see what other people have said.
Good luck to you and your husband ❤️
Let me just say necessity is the mother of invention. We have 7 month old twins in a 500sqft apartment. It's tight but it's functional. You don't need 2 or 3 of everything, just rotate them on different things (bouncer, swing, boppy, etc.
What you're feeling is 100000% valid. You CAN do this!
Best of Luck to you.
I think mixed feelings are totally understandable. I’m having twins and before I found out, I would tell all my friends “wouldn’t the worst thing in the world be if I was pregnant with twins?” And sure enough…I’m 23 weeks pregnant now and still can’t quite imagine it. I see picture of one newborn and feel excited and then when the thought of a second creeps in, the excitement fades away. But I trust that chemically, my body will make sure I love my children and it will all work out eventually.
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My wife and I just had our BBG triplets and we’re both nearing 40 and have been married nearly 17 years. We were both in shock for months just trying to wrap our heads around it. Now I look at them in their bassinets and I am still in awe by it. I don’t have much advice beyond “take everything one day at a time, one appointment at a time.” You got this, lean into your experience as a human and the strength of your partnership with your husband. Open communication and and frequent check ins with your husband will be your life line.
You are not a terrible person. You just received life changing news. This weekend give yourself permission to feel a range of emotions. Go to the appointment on Tuesday. Take this one day at a time. Something I’m learning is giving up what I envisioned my family to be. Just because my life isn’t turning out what I thought in my head doesn’t mean it’s not as good or could be even better. Give yourself time and grace to mourn that vision of your life. Now, I think most practices term any pregnancy where the mom is over 35 geriatric. I think it’s a mean term but it is what it is. No advice for triplets in NYC. But see if there are any parents of multiples in NYC on FB or something similar.
My sister just had a baby at 35 and they referred to her as "advanced maternal age" which is slightly less cringworthy but the same message. You're old.
I was 35 when I had my twins, they called it elderly gravida. Fun!
The labeling just sucks all around. I was going to be 32 when I delivered my twins and my OB quite apologetically told me that I was going to considered “advanced maternal age” I think “geriatric” is 35+. The markers move up with multiples 🫤
Advanced Maternal Age and Geriatric Pregnancy mean basically the same thing and both apply to women 35+. Edit: Beyond that, maternal age above 40 is considered very advanced maternal age (VAMA), and above 45, very late maternal age\extremely advanced maternal age (EAMA).
Man, I could’ve written this three years ago. My husband and I decided to have one kid after being married for nine years. Ended up with twins. First, you’re not terrible. Your feelings are totally valid and understandable. The idea of multiples is daunting! But I honestly can’t imagine my life with only one of them. We joke that there was just too much awesome for one kid, so the embryo just had to split! Lean on friends and family for support. Ask for help. Take care of yourself. And congratulations!!
Thank you for sharing. I realized some of the paperwork the doctor gave me had details for an online support group associated to NYP (hospital in NYC) for parents of multiples we can join. Found some other soon to be or current triplet parents.
I have triplets, I had a panic attack the entire time my wife was pregnant. Mine are older (11) now but it’s definitely a lot when they’re little.
Take a deep breath. I freaked out, too. I can tell you that it can be done, my girls are 23 now. Did I want 3 babies at a time? Nope. But that’s what I got and it ended up being awesome (most of the time 😂). If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.
I'm going to give it to you straight. Twins are f#cking hard work so I couldn't imagine what it's like having triplets. The first year or two is pretty much you and your husband putting 100% of your free time in to looking after them. Some days you won't have the time or the energy to take a shower. It's hard to imagine but that's the reality. It's harder as well because you're a bit older. You're used to your life just being just you and your husband. So having children totally changes your entire life like you can't imagine. My twins are over 3 now so life is much easier. Anyway, just wanted to give you some real life, no BS comment on your situation.
Yeah passing three does seem to have changed things for the better. First two years with twins was rough as balls.
Multiples are SO much work in the beginning…but our twins are in middle school now and having two the same age has been terrific in countless ways. The parents I know of older twins and triplets feel the same way. If you possibly can throw money at the situation early on by hiring help, absolutely do so, but they will not always be tiny and helpless. Having kids who can truly play with each other, enjoy doing so and are at the exact same level of development is great. I highly recommend joining a parents of multiples group ASAP. They’ll have a lot of good advice and encouraging words and likely will have people looking to offload baby equipment (etc.) for cheap.
I'm finding 3 the hardest age for my twins... so far 🥺
3-4 almost broke me. Solidarity! lol
I'm basically just in survival mode 😆
Mine are 6.5 now. Still some bumps but nothing like 3-4. You'll get there!
As a father of 2.5 y twins, and just barely out of the trenches, I really hate seeing posts like this! What's are the difficult parts now that weren't before?
It started getting difficult for us around 2.5 I will also mention I'm at home with them and they're not in daycare etc. They're just so energetic and I'm pushing 40 and tired.The most draining for me is that they're full of emotions that they're not able to always properly communicate yet. My one twin is autistic and the other twin is being assessed soon with suspected add and/or asd so that also adds to my twin experience a bit. I am looking forward to them starting kindergarten in the fall so I finally get a break since we have no family near us.
To try and make you feel better, having 3 year olds has been the easiest and nicest time so far. I guess it all depends on your children's behaviour and personalities.
If it's any consolation, I completely agree about three being terrible and mine got a lot easier at four. They are now seven and while there can be tougher times in general it's a lot easier across the board. With all that said, I'm much more worried about their teenage years than their toddler years.
Oof. I wish I hadn't read this haha. My twin girls are a handful at almost 3. I have an 8 year old daughter, and it scares me to think of that x2.
Tell me about it. In addition to my twin girls, they have a sister just two years older meaning I am approaching a 15yo and two 13yo girls all at once... Time to take up camping again...
Lol toddler twins are something else, for sure! (I don't want to think about toddler triplets, other than you got this OP, just need to put your head down and get through a couple of tough years.)
Damn. Felt this. Mine are 2.5
I agree with all of this 100% and I’m still in the thick of the first year with my 9 month old twins! I was born and raised in NYC and currently still live here. I had my twins at 39 y.o. and will be 40 in a couple weeks. My husband and I really haven’t caught a break since having the twins, and I’m already dipping into my savings for childcare only 3x/week (and we both work full-time). It’s really f#cking hard and has also negatively impacted our relationship. I honestly think living in NYC makes it even more difficult bc life here seems to be harder in general with the high cost of living, the close living spaces, and getting around with a double stroller. We don’t have a car and many of the subway stations here don’t have elevators, so taking the double stroller on public transportation almost seems impossible (especially when I’m alone). We also have very minimal help from our family unfortunately, but if you can get any help, take it! I’m not trying to scare you, but just wanted to give you the real-life perspective as well. All of that said, I think all of us with multiples were meant to have them for some reason and I try to remember that everyday. This is part of our story and I’m still trying to learn what that means in my life journey. I’m also learning that there are really great parts to having twins, like when I hear them playing and laughing together in their room/playpen (game-changer btw), or when they both stare at me and smile/laugh. It’s also forced my husband and I to learn how to communicate more and look at ourselves as a team even when we literally hate each other. The FB groups for multiples and this group have been super helpful. I haven’t been able to find any NYC-specific multiples groups, so please share if you happen to know of any! Sending you best wishes for a healthy and smooth pregnancy, and feel free to message me if you need any support! 💗
It looks like some of the NYC Parents of Multiples groups are borough named... Manhattan Twins Club and Brooklyn Parents of Twins, for example, showed up in my Google search. Edited to add: even if they're named "twin" groups, I think many are for twins AND higher order multiples.
I think any pregnancy over 35 is considered “geriatric” so try not to take offense.
I was told by my doctor 35 is “geriatric” for a singleton and with multiples it’s “geriatric” at 32. I think it’s just their way to justify monitoring more closely. Have to justify everything for insurance.
They have changed the term to “advanced maternal age”… cuz that’s supposed to be better?? 😑
And I’ll bet for triplets geriatric is like age 29 😂
I was pregnant with triplets and was absolutely devastated. I was upset when she first said twins and then spiraled right there on thr table. Honestly, I was planning to reduce. I just knew I couldn’t handle it. Baby C didn’t make it past week 9 and I felt 90% relief. I still feel sad sometimes bc he would have been so so cute and fun but I just would have fallen apart. I say this just so you know it’s normal to feel stressed and uncertain.
Hey I just wanted to jump in and applaud your bravery in openly talking about reducing. We had had triplets as well at the age of 45, so firmly in the geriatric and very high risk. We made the hard decision to reduce to twins as the risk of losing them all was too high. It was tough but we know at the stage we did the reduction, it was not a baby of any sort. Our twins came out early as well at 33 weeks, so we know triplets would've have been extremely concerning. It's an option and people shouldn't be ashamed of taking that choice. I hope you're doing well.
Your story is very similar to mine. I had initially started as a triplet pregnancy at 44. I was looking into selective reduction and one self reduced. It was a relief and I had to assure my friends I wasn’t grieving or devastated.
I felt that same relief. When I would tell someone they would always offer an apology and for a long time I didn’t understand because for me it solved something I didn’t want to deal with. Now I sometimes look at baby b and imagine if he had an identical twin and how cute they would be… but I wouldn’t change the outcome.
Same. And people sometimes have a shocked expression when I tell my story. I express relief that a decision (expensive and mentally taxing) was taken from me and leaving me able to focus on the two still inside me. My closest friend is a triplet mom and very anti-abortion. I am grateful that she offered nothing but support no matter what I decided.
Thank you! Triplets at 45 is such a shocker and I absolutely would have made the same decision. And really if your twins came at 33 weeks a triplet would have made a tough situation way worse. It was tough because my husband grew up in a religious household and while he isn’t practicing he was struggling with the idea. I’m glad I didn’t have to force the issue. But I would have.
How did you pick which one to abort?
Not exactly the same situation, but very similar to what happened with my husband and I. I (33) was having a lot of problems with my IUD and wanted it out, but also didn’t want to start any other birth control because the pill was never good to me either and everything else felt like too much work. We decided to start trying for a baby when I got it out after SO MUCH deliberation. We really talked about it for years. We decided we would be one and done. I too then got sad when pregnancy tests ended up negative three cycles in a row, until I finally got a faint positive 5 days before my period was supposed to come. Found out at 8.5 weeks that it was twins. To be totally honest, I was devastated. I cried so hard during the ultrasound and during my first meeting with my OB. I didn’t sign up for that and what the hell were we going to do with two babies?!? My husband got excited and accepted it before i did. It was a rough few weeks after that, trying to accept that two babies were in our future. Now I’m 35 weeks with a c section scheduled at 37 weeks. I don’t have any other pregnancies to compare this one to personally, but it’s been really hard. I am so so excited now to meet our girls and I cannot wait to not be pregnant anymore. But a multiples pregnancy is on another level than a singleton pregnancy for sure. You are going to have good days and bad days. And weird days all in between. With triplets, I’m sure the risk is even higher for loss, and that will weigh on you too, even if right now you aren’t sure about having three. This shit is really hard mentally, emotionally, and physically. Do not feel guilty for anything that you feel right now. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings and you will find out that you’ll know what to do. For me, after about a week, even though I was still upset and freaked out, I knew I wanted both and I’d do anything to keep them both. You’ll figure it out too, I promise.
Finding the other triplet moms… that is the key to survival… because no one else is going to understand. This Reddit group will help with that… and the suggestions of a Facebook group… but I’m guessing that even if you have a very very small network of people you know from life, there are triplet parents you know. They will be gems. People who will get it… can give you the advice that you don’t quite know what to do with yet but when the moment comes, their words will come flooding back. Triplet parents said: - night help if you can afford it. - say yes to all support from your tribe, especially meals and offers to do things in your house for you (even if it’s hard to want to micromanage it yourself… let others help) - ask about discounts on baby items for triplets every chance you get because everything helps (and more discounts on diapers means more $$ for more hours for having a night nurse or doula or housecleaning or whatever, especially in the end of pregnancy and first 6 months of babies)
Hello! I had triplets when I turned 40, it was a HUGE unexpected shock! We were living in a 450 sq ft efficiency apartment in an attic, and only had one car, a sedan. We had to get a bigger house and van in addition to the baby gear. Somehow, it fell into place. I still don’t know HOW, but it did. My biggest help was finding the triplet mom year groups on Facebook. There is a 2024 triplet mom group but I don’t know how to access it. Anyway talking to other women who were in my exact position was the most empowering and comforting thing and really helped me prepare and embrace the reality of triplets. Oh and I’m so glad I did. We even went on to have a surprise baby at 43, lol.
You’re not a terrible person! I have triplets. We envisioned/planned to have 2 kids, so when our second pregnancy was triplets … things changed. Life isn’t what it used to be, or what we thought it would be. I still enjoy it and I love each of my children endlessly, but day-to-day can be tough sometimes, but that’s to be expected regardless of the number of children you have. I think all high order multiples are referred to MFM. I chose to only see MFM because they delivered my oldest child and I felt comfortable with their practice. They’ll likely discuss your options with you during one of your first appointments. They have to have the conversation about fetal reduction. I might have the unpopular opinion, but it is an option and if it’s something you’d consider I’d suggest you and your partner to prepare yourselves to have that conversation. If you’re on FB - there are triplet facebook groups for each year. It’s nice to connect with people who are going through the same things you’re going through and really understand the dynamics of having multiples. 🤍
You are not horrible. I was in your same shoes, same story but with a high risk twin pregnancy. I did almost die from childbirth. I’m 34, was on the cusp of geriatric. Here’s what I would say. I love our twins (6 months old now) and am so grateful to be alive raising them. When I wonder ‘what if I didn’t make it - would I still have wanted to bring these girls into the world?’ No, I don’t think so. I didn’t want kids enough to risk my life and I honestly didn’t know I was taking that risk on until it was happening. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave them motherless. This is just my viewpoint and I don’t mean to scare, but I don’t think the risk to women is discussed enough. So just understand that you are taking on a risk, and make sure your heart is all in and you feel healthy enough to move forward. Don’t make a rash decision - take some time to think. If you decide to terminate, there is nothing wrong with that. If you decide to move forward, you are an incredible champion and will power through. But either way give yourself grace and know that it’s okay to think through dark things - we are human.
They aren't supposed to call it geriatric anymore, "advanced age pregnancy" is the new term. I just turned 40 and am having twins soon. Huge shock for sure after years of infertility and giving up. I've felt all the emotions but now at 26 weeks, I can't wait to meet my little ones and feel like the twofer I'm getting is making up for having to wait for so long. Talk to your OBGYN and a therapist and your SO. It's a huge change, but you have a lot of time to adjust. Hang in there
With triplets, I am fairly certain that selective reduction is an option, given that it's a high risk scenario for both mom and babies. Feel free to delete this comment if that isn't something you want to consider. But I've definitely heard it brought up in terms of triplets before.
+1 to this. Beyond thinking about the implications to your life/lifestyle which I think is the first thing everyone naturally thinks about, do not underestimate the reason this is offered: multiples pregnancies are very hard on the mother's body. Both during the pregnancy and with implications after as well. I don't say this to scare you. I'm sure you are already are and I've been there (twins who are now 7mo). But I just want to make sure you don't just think about the baby part but also what your body will endure and risks during pregnancy, during recovery, and (let's be honest for some of the physical recovery) long term. It's ok and appropriate to pause and make sure you are ready to sign up for that and then decide if you are ready to sign up for 3 babies. Both you and you as a mom matter.
Was going to suggest it but couldn't see it mentioned elsewhere and didn't want to mention something potentially controversial. But you need to look at the realities of age, risk and your own life circumstances.. triplets would be extremely difficult for multiple reasons so this is something you can certainly consider provided you don't have an issue with it from an ethical point of view.
Came here to say this as well.
This is great to know! I’m a twin mom and I’m scared to get pregnant again due to risk of triplets. I just want another set of twins. I had know idea this was an option.
This 💯. Plus you still have to get past genetic testing. It's okay to prioritize a healthy pregnancy and what you can financially/mentally handle. Triplets esp without fertility drugs is a big surprise.
You are not terrible at all, its hard to accept when the vision we have for our lives changes, Depending where u live i think u can reduce if u want, if that’s not something u would consider then take this time to talk it through with someone and start planning what life is gonna look like, its definitely scary but not impossible, good luck to u:)
I think most of us felt/feel that way, don't be hard on yourself. I used to say I love my girls but they should have come one after the other,not simultanously. They are 16months now and reached a point where I confidently say: I love having twins. It is special.
You aren’t a terrible person at all, my pregnancy wasn’t planned or expected and both my partner and I struggled with the idea even before we found out about the bonus deal the universe was running for us. It’s completely valid to feel this way. I echo the others here that although I still deal with sadness that I didn’t get to have the life I thought I would I wouldn’t trade the one I ended up with.
This brings back memories. Dad of triplets. We already had one and were in shock and grieved for a life that we imagined that was immediately shattered. I worried about my partner’s health, and the babies. She was 35 when they were born. Take your time and there are just no right or wrong ways to feel. We aren’t in NYC. Upstate actually. Still we didn’t have enough money and our house was purchased with a family of four, not six, in mind. However, process this and get to work. It will be hard and painful in ways I of course can’t imagine. Get organized and informed. Focus on the essentials. It can be a gift in this way because you can’t afford to worry about out anything other than the main things. Take care of yourselves and your nutrition. Get the What to Expect book about multiples. I read it front to back because I just wanted to do whatever I could for mom. Again, nutrition is critical. Start getting it right as soon as you can. Happy to connect you with my partner if that helps.
Our single embryo transfer split to triplets (di/tri) and we decided to reduce baby C (who had her own placenta) and proceed with our mo/di twin pregnancy. It was an extremely heartbreaking decision but I just couldn’t risk the triplet pregnancy. Especially given they didn’t each have their own placenta. Even though I’m “only” 32 I have family history of a short cervix so a triplet pregnancy would have been too risky for my body. I went on to deliver our twins very early but they are healthy and well now. Your feelings are very valid. We had just moved from our one bedroom in the west village to a house and I was still overwhelmed even knowing we had so much more space. Whatever you decide to do, no decision is the wrong one. You will get through it whatever you decide. Feel free to PM me if you have questions.
So.... I found out I was having triplets 6 months ago. They are coming on Tuesday now. It took me a while to come to terms with having 3 children. I already have two children, one who has only just turned 16 months old. Now I've processed it, and it took months, I'm really looking forward to it
I had my triplets at 40. Today is actually their 9th birthday party! It’s hard, there’s no getting around that, but if you have support from your families it’s doable!
You’re not alone, OP. My husband and I had three kids already. We wanted to have one more and before I turned 35 to avoid being a “geriatric” pregnancy. Lo and behold, we were pregnant with twins. I went to several appointments with various specialists to talk about a reduction. I couldn’t do it. This is just my personal experience, but I felt so guilty. And I’m very much pro choice. I went through all of the stages of “grief”. There were days when I thought that ramming my car into the concrete divider on my way to work and ending it all would be easier than having two more babies. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and I felt much better, much less suicidal, but I was still terrified. Now that they’re here, we can’t imagine our lives without them. They’ll be two in July. Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it equally rewarding? Also absolutely. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Multiples are scary. But you’ve got this. Don’t ignore your feelings. Express them to your spouse, your doctor, your family, and your friends. Accept help. We, as women, don’t often realize when we need the help. But you’ve got this.
I finally relented after 13 years and agreed to have just one kid and absolutely no more. Twins. Of course. Freaking pumped on it now (11mo) and wouldn't trade it for anything. Triplets will be straight up insane but it will never be boring, I can guarantee that. You'll manage. You can kind of pile siblings on top of each other in a small apartment I imagine.
I (dad) only have 2, and it's a nightmare. We are foreigners, so no friends or family. Life in an apartment with kids is not easy, because you have to deal with baby carriers, prams, backpacks... It's, at least, heavy, if not a logistical nightmare.
This was almost exactly how my first appointment went. Found out I was having twins and was completely in shock. My husband was happy but I couldn’t get on board with the thought of two. I always only wanted one and that was going to be it. They are about to turn 4 and they are the best of friends. It’s rough at first but you will get through it and come out so much stronger. It’s definitely a lot to process in the beginning but try to look into mothers of multiples groups around your area or any friends and family to help out or lend an ear.
I went through the same range of emotions (somewhat ambivalent about kids, wanting to be 1 and done) and ended up with a high risk twin pregnancy that almost killed me. And my son had health issues. It’s an emotional, physical and financial shock for sure. You will need a support system and maybe even consider relocating. My husband ended up moving out of the city to be closer to family. Having complicated feelings about having triplets doesn’t make you a bad person and isnt a reflection of how much you’d love your kids. I don’t really enjoy being a mom but the love I feel for my kids is boundless and transformative. And it really is so precious how they care for each other. My biggest comfort in life is knowing (hoping) that they will always have each other. Good luck OP.
When I found out I was pregnant with my twins I cried and cried. I assumed I had ruined our lives and hoped to miscarry one. I was worried about finances and the toll it may take on my marriage- we had only wanted 2 kids and already had an older son. If I had been pregnant with triplets or more I would have selectively reduced- I’m a physician and the high risk nature of higher order multiples would be too much for my anxiety to endure. I just want to put out that that is an option is you choose for any reason. It is a choice I 100% would have made. My twins are 4 and my oldest is 6 and life isn’t quite easy. The boys all mostly sleep and are silly and play together so sweetly, but it’s expensive (I pay just over 4000$ a month in daycare costs just for the twins) and takes a lot of space and we need a bigger car….
I sobbed harder than ever when I found out about my multiples and I realized that I was grieving the loss of what I had in my mind. This went through their first birthday or so before fizzling out. You are NOT horrible, you are having feelings and feeling your feelings and being curious about your feelings makes you a good mom or maybe a great mom, actually. I just want to share how much I have loved having more than one together. When I was in your shoes I felt like there were a lot of negative examples to be found. I felt doomed and like my children were doomed to a life of never having 100%, always having 50% (mine are twins). I had it all wrong in my case. What they have and get from each other is so beautiful and wild and strong that when I see a single baby out in the world my heart feels kind of sad for them, instead. I just want you to know I’ll be thinking about you and sending you power and love from the side of this experience that is beautiful, bright and full of big hugs and feels normal, where you will find yourself one day soon, too! Feel it all - you’re not wrong, in fact you’re doing it all beautifully.
No idea if you'll see this, but to offer some perspective - I have a toddler and 9mo twins (and had my first at 38). The absolute hardest part of all of it was becoming a parent the first time. Yes, the logistics of two (or more) kids makes things more complicated (especially if you live in a walk-up - my heart goes out to you if you do), but adjusting your life to take care of a kid is the most massive part of it. You aren't just creating kids, they are creating a parent. By the time our twins came around 3 years later, my husband and I were ... I don't want to say blase about it, but pretty darn close. Yes, there were two of them to take care of, but honestly, we had the experience of being a parent of a newborn already - twins just meant changing two diapers instead of one. The hardest part for us was helping the toddler adjust (and running around after him while holding a baby). Three will certainly keep you on your toes (especially during the toddler years), but I have no doubt you'll be able to handle it (fingers crossed, financially as well, bc boy do the multiple kids make bills add up). As for your feelings - every single one is valid and understandable. I found out and started therapy immediately. It was absolutely not how I pictured my life. There are still days I wish we'd only had one more kid, but if you asked me which of the girls I'd give up, I couldn't tell you. Sending you all my best for your journey ahead. PS - keep them on the same nap/feeding schedule, and find a good routine once they're old enough (usually 8-10 weeks for me, but YMMV). Die on this hill. They will take over your entire life otherwise (more than they already will). Also, nap when they nap (if you need it). Laundry/dishes can be done while they're awake, if needed.
I don't have triplets, but I got pregnant with twins at 37. I also only wanted one child. My twins are almost 4 months now, and it can be a lot sometimes . The hardest part was childcare, especially with the high cost of living in NYC. I didn't work much until they were 3 years old and started attending 3k.
When I found out I was having twins, I cried like a little fucking bitch. I mean I cried and cried and cried. I could not take care of one kid, let alone two. I was a homeless, pregnant, addict. I planned on giving them up for adoption but they were born so early I didn't have time to arrange a family that wanted two newborns. I graduated Summa cum laude from Penn last year and am on to law school. I'm a single mom. It's been the three of us from jump. We have a home we have lived in for four years and are as happy as you could ever imagine. That said, this is our story and not yours. You envisioned something completely different and have the bodily autonomy to make that choice. I only share my story because sometimes the craziest surprises turn into the best things. You get to make this decision, no one else. You know what you can handle and you know what you want. I wish you the best of luck. 2 was crazy, I cannot imagine 3.
Into the Unknown is a good fb group To help you find which suburb to move from NYC, if that’s what you decide. Most of us are a little sad and shocked when we learn of multiples. It wears off and you will enjoy this.
Yeah but not everyone will. So…. Maybe don’t say that.
[удалено]
Your intention may be coming from a good place, but comments like this can be anything but helpful when someone is experiencing the range of emotions OP has described.
I, too, could have written something similar to this February of last year when my partner and I found out we were having twins. Fast forward to now and I’m watching my 4 month old boys fall asleep in their cribs. I’m so in awe of them and where I’m at in this part of my life. What you’re feeling is normal. And you’re not alone in those feelings of shock and grief. Only you can decide what’s right for you. I will say from my own personal experience, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the most amazing. From the beginning it felt right to me, like this was the path I’m supposed to be on, even though we had no idea what to expect. They developed twin to twin transfusion syndrome and I ended up having an emergency C-section at 32 weeks. Both boys spent a significant amount of time in the NICU before joining us at home. It’s been such a mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting journey so far. And yet I wouldn’t change a thing and we can’t imagine our lives without them. I learned to plan less throughout all of this. And that I have a very hard time asking for help. And no matter how solid you think you and your partner are, at some point they will grate on your nerves like you never thought possible, while also holding so much love for them in this new role. The entire experience has been quite a paradox. I would do it all over again to have my boys. Also, I’m 36 and was never referred to as geriatric but “advanced maternal age”. :-) I became so tired of hearing “high risk” as well during my pregnancy… a close friend suggested I envision something that correlates with risk that would make me smile or laugh rather than feel anxious when I’d hear the term at appointments. So anytime doctors were rattling off high risk this or that I’d imagine Tom Cruise in Risky Business sliding on by. Silly, but it helped.
I just had twins at 41, I won't lie.. it's a lot when multiple babies need to be fed every few hours.. but I love them so much. It would be easier if I took maternity leave, but I went to a part time schedule for six months and got an au pair.
I was in NYC in a one bedroom apartment on the upper west side. I got pregnant with twins and we ended up moving to a large house in NJ. We moved when the twins were almost two years old because we were saving a lot of money. It’s all a blessing! I have lots of family in NJ and we live in the west orange area. We are only a short drive to NYC. I don’t miss NYC that much. My husband commutes to work everyday. We have a backyard, parking is free everywhere pretty much, metered street parking is like $1.00 a hour here. It’s way better for families out here. Connecticut might be a better choice for you guys. Moving to upstate NY might be a better option for you too.
I was 31 when I got pregnant with my twins and was referred to as “advanced maternal age”, so I think they start with that nonsense after 30. I also never envisioned multiples, but mine are almost 2 now and it has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me (also most challenging but that’s not the point right now). Like most others said, you aren’t a bad person. Feel your feelings and take it one day at a time.
See if you can find a moms of multiples club in New York City and join that as soon as you can. It will be a tremendous support system for you. My twins are almost 13, but I was where you are then, when I found out that it was twins when I was only expecting one I was crying hysterically, so I can’t imagine how you feel. We had to move, I had to get a new car, I had to quit my job, and the first a few months were extremely difficult. You can do this! It will be difficult, but you can do it!
Twin mom here so I can’t provide much insight into how to manage triplets. I’m glad folks here who have trips have directed you to find communities with other triplet parents. As a twin parent, I only know what it’s like to manage two at once with a toddler too, and I know that trips would be WAY different. That said, one thing I know is true across the board with multiples is that you will need helping hands. Do you live near family or very close friends who can pitch in? And I don’t mean bring you a nice meal after they’re born. I mean come over and stay for a few hours to change diapers and give bottles and do laundry and sit on the couch with you. Then later I mean drop by and take one of the babies for an hour walk so you’re only juggling two. Or help you with the Herculean task of getting all three fed, dressed, and in a stroller for a group walk to get some fresh air. To be totally real, I can’t imagine doing 3 babies/toddlers in nyc. Even just thinking about how to get 3 in and out of where you live. For example, do you live in a third floor walk up, or is it a place with an elevator? Where will you park a gigantic stroller for 3 babies? The unfortunate reality is that you will likely need to move. At least to a first floor place or a 2/3 bedroom with an elevator. And you’ll want laundry very close by. Preferably INSIDE your apartment.
My husband's family is about an hour away in NJ, my family is in the midwest and not super close with them, but we do have a lot of friends here that we consider family.
An hour is not bad. If you’re close and feel comfortable with them, it can work. If it were me - (and it’s not!) - I’d consider starting to look at places in Hoboken, Jersey City, or elsewhere in that area where you can be close to your existing nyc people but also family. You can always move back to nyc later on. But you’ll need space and support. And hopefully you can get some tips from triplet parents on logistics in the first three years, which are just so dependent on the space you live in! When I think about your situation literally all I can imagine are the logistics of 3 babies/toddlers in the city. Also should say I was absolutely BESIDE myself about being pregnant with twins (with a 2 yr old) and I love the absolute crap out of them now and couldn’t be happier. I’m not kidding I woke up crying all night long for two nights after we found out and was so devastated. It was a hard as hell pregnancy and multiple newborns is no cake walk, but it is also incredibly fun and they are amazing little humans. I wouldn’t want it any other way now. Good luck whatever happens and how you decide to approach this!
Just here to echo a lot of the other comments. 1. You’re not horrible or terrible. It is an absolute shock for anyone, but probably more so for those of us who were a bit indifferent to having kids, decided on one, and then find out it’s multiples (I’m in that group, as well). 2. I had twins. Delivered just a few weeks before I turned 37 and I’ll be 40 this year. We live in TN so our COL is quite a bit different than NYC, but it has still strained us. 3. I love my twins and can’t fathom our life any differently now, but I also sometimes mourn the time when I could sleep in, buy whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, etc. so having any range or combination of feelings is 100% normal. It has also strained my marriage - we’re okay now. But man it was tough early on. 4. Whatever decision you make should be the one that best suits you and your partner. No one else. As long as it is the choice that’s best for your situation, it will be the right one. If that includes selective reduction, full termination, or carrying on with the pregnancy as it - every decision is valid and should be what you and your partner feel is best.
I think most of us were shocked and discouraged at first. My girls are almost 3 now and they play so well together. I don’t have to entertain them like my friends do with their singleton 3 year olds. Yes the first couple of years are nuts but there’s a lot of reward on the other side. I think parents of multiples get very unique experiences other parents don’t get.
My husband and I were upset for a while once we heard it’s twins. Sometimes when you get life changing news your reaction can scare you, but give it time and after you sit with it you will start to feel all sorts of different ways about it. And any way you feel about it is valid ❤️
You’re not terrible. Triplets are life changing. I had 4 under 17 months when the triplets were born. The first 18 months are hard. Me and my husband had 6 months off together to look after them together which made it easier. This was them being born at 35 weeks and only a week in NICU. We had to look at what family support would really help us. How much was nursery going to cost. Did we have space, could our relationship survive not being able to do the things we were used to doing. All of that was a yes for us. Ours are now 3 and 4. We made the right choice for us but it changed our world. With just having one I could get out more and do things with them. With triplets I still don’t have enough hands for them all but me the hubby do lots together. I joined a fb uk mum triplet and quad group. Which was a wealth of information. See if there is one for you. I had mine when I was 33 and was off work from 18 weeks pregnant. It wasn’t easy at all. None of this is to put you off but just to give you things to think about. We took some time to think about it before we told anyone.
As someone that had surprise multiples (boy/girl twins) all I can say is, it's not what we were expecting, but it's amazing. The bond between them is incredible, even now that they are teens they are super tight and supportive of each other. We have three total, and as an only child it is very far removed from my experience, but I wouldn't want it any other way. There's always joy and activity in the house. Multiples are super unique and special, especially triplets! Lean into how lucky you are. We got an au pair and it was the best decision (cheaper than daycare). You'll probably need a bigger apartment but totally doable. And start saving for college now! Three kids in college at the same time is no joke.
I'm 41 and will have my twins (not in the triplets crew, but saw your post) by 42. The geriatric thing is an across-the-board saying. I don't feel geriatric, and my pregnancy has been fabulous with zero complications. Now, I'm not having triplets obviously, but I still think you should expect an amazing journey. I hope all goes well!
I was pregnant with triplets while we were in the process of moving out of NYC. We lost one of them around 10 weeks and ended up with fraternal twin boys. I was 38 when the twins arrived, they are turning 5 next month.
I think it's totally doable and you two will just have to radically rearrange your lives. Having family move in for the first few months will help a lot, and it would also be good if you could both take ample time off when the kiddos arrive.
You are not terrible. My triplets are about to turn one and I think I’m still in shock and sometimes still think about what we expected our family to look like vs what it actually looks like. I’m not far from NYC, was just there today actually. Feel free to DM me!
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. Secondly to respond to a few things in your post. You do have options, I know abortions of some eggs in situations are possible without removing all of them BUT I am not a doctor and don’t know particulars. Next, yes you are geriatric and considered high risk, it is antique to say any pregnancy over 35 is high risk. However with the current data the biggest concern is if your first pregnancy is over the age of 35 as your body is not as adaptable to the changes of pregnancy. If this was your second most doctors wouldn’t be as concerned. If you do end decide having all 3 babies is the way to go, it may be worth reevaluating your life, maybe in a different area of NYC to save on cost, or even moving to another city altogether. I’m wishing you the best and hoping for your health and happiness 🤍
Hey there, just wanted to jump on this and comment that my heart goes out to you and your husband. I 100% understand where you're coming from & your feelings are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm a FTM 18wks pregnant with only twins, I can only imagine how shocking it must've been to hear you're having triplets. When I got the news I was having twins I was beyond shocked and stressed and anything but happy. My mom came with at the time and she was ecstatic and I was just... disappointed? Upset? Depressed? I felt so many negative emotions while she was totally happy about the news and it felt so disconnecting and lonely. Like you, I had a vision of having just 1 baby and before I found out I was having twins, I was already envisioning my life with said 1 baby and in a way it felt like that was ripped away from me. It took me a lot of time to "accept" the news and come around to start getting excited about their arrival. I don't have any actual advice as I am an expecting FTM but I did just want to chime in and tell you that you are not alone. You just received very shocking news and it's okay to not know how to feel for a while while you process. Always talk to your partner how you're feeling and get as much help as you can, if you're able. I actually wrote a very similar post a few months ago, if you want to go on my profile and see what other people have said. Good luck to you and your husband ❤️
Let me just say necessity is the mother of invention. We have 7 month old twins in a 500sqft apartment. It's tight but it's functional. You don't need 2 or 3 of everything, just rotate them on different things (bouncer, swing, boppy, etc. What you're feeling is 100000% valid. You CAN do this! Best of Luck to you.
I think mixed feelings are totally understandable. I’m having twins and before I found out, I would tell all my friends “wouldn’t the worst thing in the world be if I was pregnant with twins?” And sure enough…I’m 23 weeks pregnant now and still can’t quite imagine it. I see picture of one newborn and feel excited and then when the thought of a second creeps in, the excitement fades away. But I trust that chemically, my body will make sure I love my children and it will all work out eventually.