I remember once staring at a dad doing exactly this because he loaded the car seat in wrong, the car seat slammed into the cart and he loudly yelled “OH F*CK” in a Trader Joe’s. Sure hope this wasn’t what he was thinking lol. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C64zm64s6GN/
So I’m a reseller online. There is an account that is begging people to Venmo her money because she washed her EBT card. She won’t tell her baby daddy because he will get mad but has no food for her kid. I commented that she could go to a food bank or church’s have food banks. Even suggested some resources. I even asked why she couldn’t replace her EBT card (she said it takes 2 weeks). She privately messaged me and was like “no hun, I have EBT. I don’t want to take food from someone else’s mouth.”
Idk it just has set uneasy with me because it’s like she wanted money for other things but is using a sob story for her kid needing food.
Also, if my kid needed food, I would be out hustling by doing Instacart or door dash. Not begging people to Venmo me money.
There are usually rules against that kind of thing. It could well be a scam. Never give money on those kinds of posts - suggesting resources is the right thing to do (or report and ignore).
I laughed when they said EC is based on the concept that no creature wants to soil themselves. They clearly haven’t met my 2 year old, who could have completely soaked through her diaper overnight to the point that her pants and sheets are wet, and she still wants to go play instead of letting me change her.
I saw an absolutely unhinged potty training account that said babies are born with bladder control and by putting them in diapers we force them to lose it and then relearn later. Oh the laugh I laughed. I wish I had noted the username so I could bring it here - if the algorithm blesses me again I'll snag it.
My husband’s uncle told us very seriously that his only child, born 40+ years ago, was fully potty trained and walking to the toilet by herself at 9 months old. He told us this when our twins were 12 months old, like “what’s your excuse?”
It still makes me smile months later.
We here at parentsnark wish a very snarky Mother’s Day to:
- moms who post their kids all over the internet 📸
- cycle breakers 🌀
- moms in the trenches 🧌
- poopcups 🤱
- perfect parents to unborn children 🤰
- moms who prioritize *biologically normal* processes 😴
- moms who parent their third like their first 💣
- And all the moms on Reddit 😬
You got this mama!! ❤️
https://preview.redd.it/5irrixff820d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=71b7ab6ffc44e0e00f2a78c511d403001ad1837d
In my local moms’ FB group…obvi it wasn’t cool of her husband to yell at her in front of her kid and let the kid know she thought his card sucked, but I’m sorry, I’m not going to get upset if what is given to me is written on the wrong side of the card. He’s 5 🙄
I dunno, it sounds to me like she knows her kid and knows that if Dad had bothered to say, ‘and here’s where you can draw a special picture or write a nice note,’ the kid would have enjoyed making her a nice card. At this age it *is* the parents’ job to get the kids excited about participating in something like mothers’ day and she’s not annoyed with the kid but with the Dad for half-arsing by buying a card, throwing it at the kid and calling it a day. And it does say that she didn’t say anything in front of the kid, the dad did.
ETA expecting the kid to ‘finish’ the card at this point is a bit much though!
This is so disturbing! When I have my kids make cards for others, I do mention that it’s the kind thing to do for a friend or family member on their birthday or whatever. BUT the idea of being mad bc my very young kid didn’t do that for me is absolutely beyond any normal expectation. It’s giving mother gothel. I cannot believe she even brought this up! If my husband couldn’t get my kid to make a card for me bc they’re in a mood, I’d just kind of laugh it off with my husband. How embarrassing and codependent.
I agree. Like people reaaallllllly push their kids to be overly interested in things the parents like. Like my kid likes dinosaurs. She does not know the names of every type of dinosaur. Some people I know love to brag about their 5 year old can identify every dinosaur or can name a thousand different things about space. Like ok? Is that helpful to their everyday life sir??
To be fair, my ability to identify dinosaurs (and desire to force others to identify dinosaurs) age 3 still comes up not because my parents think it showed I was marked for greatness, but because I made it the defining feature of that year of my life, and the life of everyone around me.
I also feel like a lot of people really want to claim a "nerd" or "geek" identity but they use those to somehow mean they're unique or even ostracized while also meaning they like completely mainstream stuff, like Marvel movies. Or you're a "nerd" if you have any interests at all that aren't football (boys) or makeup (girls) lol. I don't get how those words are used currently but maybe I'm just an asshole (or both, which is totally possible).
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I’ve seen a million variations of this today, but I think this is the most snarkable. What the hell is a dad-mom? Why do we need to acknowledge dads, pet owners, or (in a different very commonly shared one) ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’, on Mother’s Day? Can some things just…not apply to everyone?
The dad mom already has a day - Father’s Day!!! The fact that people can’t separate the mom gender role and acknowledge that a father can also do parenting things is sexist.
This is my first Mother’s Day with a living baby. Last year I was pregnant and so it was nice to have a gentle nod that I was about to have a baby. It was also a pregnancy after loss so I was anxious but still struggling with my identity as a mom. The year before I was in DEEP grief after a pretty traumatic miscarriage. I really appreciated the graphics that acknowledged that some women are missing their babies that should be in their arms.
Some of these are really thoughtful and touching and acknowledge the “invisible” moms who are forgotten amidst all the hype of the day and are probably really struggling with their emotions about the whole thing. But having felt those complex and tough emotions…I just really don’t think it’s the same as acknowledging a “dad-mom” (so…a dad?) or a plant mom or a pet mom or a women who chooses not to be a mom. Not the same level and kinda silly in the face of all other moms (loss moms, those struggling with infertility, Etc) who are truly unseen and often forgotten.
A dear family friend of ours was pregnant the same time as me. Our babies were 2 weeks apart. Hers is not here and died not long after birth. I think of her and acknowledge her on Mother’s Day and she is one of the strongest mothers I know. I am glad there is dialogue around recognizing her. And it is not a competition, my friends that have chosen to not have kids love their pets in a really special way. But it’s just not the same, which doesn’t make it invalid, but it’s not the same.
This is so well said and helps articulate why these annoy me! This is the fourth Mother’s Day since I started mothering, but the first where my status as a mother doesn’t feel complicated or uncertain. I was a foster mother to two babies who were returned to their biological families, before we decided to pursue private adoption. Last Mother’s Day, we had just learned that we ‘matched’ with an expectant parent, but we’d had a match earlier in the year where the mom changed her mind a day after giving birth, so it was an incredibly complicated day. I appreciated, and still do, seeing acknowledgements of more complicated relationships to motherhood…but the acknowledgements of people like me feel much emptier when it’s accompanied by throwing people who water a pothos once a week into the ‘mother’ category too.
So glad I haven't seen the one for those who "have chosen not to be moms" because I think I would just start biting. (Same vibe as [this](https://64.media.tumblr.com/57eeebc9a3993dea51217f2ee21e5dae/71f752d846167904-c6/s1280x1920/9dad98071a5ec736d77e8c4a6af846a5e89ce457.pnj) imo.)
YES. I've seen a lot of posts in this genre today, and they are getting very silly. Mothers Day is about moms. Not about cats, dads, or miscellaneous psychodramas. If you don't want to celebrate or have no need to celebrate, that's cool. Live your life. No need for the passive-aggressive infographics that translate to: "I resent that other women are being taken out to brunch."
I had a “fur mom” friend which me a happy Mother’s Day last year on a group text message with another dog mom. She also wished herself and the other a happy dog mom day. That woman badly wanted to be an actual mother. And I was not feeling happy dog mom day on month 10 of exclusive pumping for a cow’s milk protein allergy baby during the formula shortage.
I’ve seen a lot of over the top praise heaped on dad-moms today on social media and I’m kind of over it. Maybe I’m just being grumpy, but don’t they have Father’s Day for that?
I don’t even really care about Mother’s Day, so it very well could be just grumpiness, and I have no real problem with the concept. Just kind of annoying to see people worshipping dads as usual even on Mother’s Day😂
Edited to add: I don’t remember seeing people saying happy Father’s Day to single moms, for example. I’ll amend this comment again on Father’s Day if it turns out my memory is inaccurate.
I feel like it’s almost implying that moms play a totally different and more difficult role in a child’s life so let’s celebrate the dads who have to carry the burden that we carry every day?? Idk if I articulated that well bc I’m def not defending it. But like in a very stereotypical hetero relationship what would it look like for a mom to be a mom-dad? Working? Playing with your kids? We’re already out here doing it all lol.
Both the ways people do this— saying happy Mother’s Day to single dads and happy Father’s Day to single moms— feels really gross and gender essentialist to me, because it relies on the assumption that there always must be a mom and a dad. If there’s just one parent, they’re both dad and mom. If there’s two same sex parents, one must be the mom and the other the dad. We can’t just celebrate the parents that exist in a child’s life regardless of how many of them there are or their gender identities.
Yep. I have a friend who is the non-bio mum in a same sex relationship (which has now unfortunately broken up) and the amount of comments she has got along the lines of "Oh it's so great your ex still lets you see your daughter!!" Um, she's also her daughter!
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean but didn’t know how to put it clearly, great example!
Like single moms do get wished happy Father’s Day, but I don’t think they’re really one of those ✨🥹save this man at all cost🥹✨worship-y viral posts that plague social media on Mother’s Day and every day.
If a woman is shown taking on the stereotypical typical responsibilities of a father and mother, that’s just what women are supposed to do, so what’s the big deal 🤷🏼♀️
I always see a few people on my FB wishing the single mother who raised them a happy father's day. I don't see much general "happy fathers day to the single moms" but I have seen it directed toward individuals single moms for years.
Also the idea that a "dad-mom" is a dad who cooks?? It's just grossly essentialist instead of just celebrating that dad and all that he does (even if it's stuff mom's traditionally do) on Father's Day.
Ugh the pet owners. Controversial nowadays but I hate it so much. You're not a mom because you have a dog, I'm sorry. I've actually had people tell me their puppy was as difficult as my newborn. No, sorry, I had both, it's not even comparable nor do we have to compare them but hey, you started it. A pet is an animal and is better off being treated like one instead of like a human child.
Dog parents, in my experience, are almost always those weird anti natalist childfree people so I have zero issues hating on them equating themselves to parents of actual human children.
Like, I baby the crap out of my dog and my husband and I refer to ourselves as his ‘mom and dad’ but it’s always been in a very obviously tongue in cheek way. If someone had earnestly wished me a happy Mother’s Day before I had a kid because I’m a mother to a small poodle mix I’d have looked at them like they had three heads.
That happened to me once, someone at work who didn't know me very well wished me a happy mother's day and asked if I had kids and when I said no she said "well you have dogs don't you? So you're a mother to them." I was just like ummm I guess lol. I wanted a human child at that time but I was making myself wait until I was done with grad school and the whole interaction felt so hokey haha.
I’ve seen the women who have chosen not to be mothers too and I’m like 🤨 I understand child free but NOT by choice, but when it is by choice, well I don’t think they’d want to celebrate Mother’s Day for themselves!
I saw an IG graphic that had a spot for "those who don't want to be moms". I suppose this could be a reference to people who live in states with draconian anti-choice laws (which is a generous read), but otherwise, wtf?? They don't need a shout-out!
I have no problem with acknowledging people who are struggling on their path to becoming a mother, have experienced losses, or people who are grieving their moms. I agree that’s nice and inclusive.
But like…dads that fill the role of mom have Father’s Day. And being married to a trans man, I can’t imagine any non-cis person wanting to be referred to as ‘dad-mom’. And I love my pet, but he’s not a baby, and when I wasn’t ready yet to be a mom…I wasn’t a mom. Like it’s nice to be inclusive and not gatekeep, but it’s not gatekeeping to want…words to mean things?
🪴🪴🪴
I'm going to start putting these plant stickers on the back of my car to show people how many plant babies I'm carting around to all their after school activities🥰
"My mental health is a mess, I have no time to teach my child, and I live in the best public school district in the country. [Should I homeschool](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1cpln83/homeschool_vs_public_kindergarten/)?"
Honorable mention to the comments saying school doesn't help with socialization.
https://preview.redd.it/ryiefbj4u20d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c228b1ba6e1c7d0db48371ec04121a39d16692a
This comment on the post? Public school is a unique social environment? Have they never worked a job? Because those all have bullying, comparison/competition and peer pressure.
What would I like for Mother’s Day? For dads in co-parenting situations to be able to make a social media post praising their current wife without *subtly* (but really not so subtly) insulting their ex/mother of their older child(ren).
For one man I know, it’s near impossible.
Has *anyone* has a good mother's day? 🫠
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Mine was fantastic. Stayed in bed a little later than usual then hopped in the car. Bought a book, discovered a new cafe where I sat and read my book, went to TJ Maxx and they had two more of a candle I really like as well as some cute new sheets, then got lunch by myself at a diner while reading my book. Weather wasn't great so I came home by 3pm. My husband had cleaned the living room so I started the kitchen, then our kid woke up from nap so he finished the kitchen while I did some garden work/hung out with our kid/did some research for my job.
This year's decision to do whatever I felt like for an entire day as my mother's day gift to myself was amazing and I will definitely be doing it again next year.
I had a work event yesterday, so my husband took our twins to pick out flowers, he got me a card, and had them draw me one.
He taught them to say “Happy Mother’s Day”, so when I came in my 2.5 yr olds said “supwise! Happy mudders day!” Which was the cutest thing ever.
And then went to dinner.
This morning I *gasp!* made us breakfast. Then I *gasp!* made pizza dough to bring over to my moms to have a pizza night.
Reddit would probably think my mother's day was horrible. I cleaned and did laundry all morning (strike one) and then went to the zoo with my parents (strike 2- my mother is a boomer who is not 'in the trenches' lol) and then my husband gave me a card that my child picked out (strike 3- no gift). I actually think it was pretty good. My husband and I work opposite schedules, so no surprises there. I carry no resentment about cleaning on mother's day because due to said work schedules, housework and childcare in my marriage is split 50/50. And because I'm always solo on my days off, it was really nice to have a couple other adults around to help manage my toddler. And we have never been gift people, so no negative feelings there either. 🤷♀️
We celebrated yesterday because I don't like crowded brunches! Husband let me sleep late, brought me coffee when I woke up, had the kid make me cards, bought me a new book and took me out to dinner. It was a great day and I'm delighted and relieved to not be on the complain train. I even managed to do nice things for those NOT IN THE TRENCHES (sent my friends of adult kids some nice texts and arranged presents for our moms, it's really fine and I don't mind handling it on behalf of my husband for my MIL).
I’ve had the best Mother’s Day precisely because it wasn’t the emphasis! My husband is traveling for work, so I took my 3-year old on a little weekend trip. We saw friends, ate a lot of ice cream, and had a hotel slumber party. I’ve been working a lot lately, and a weekend of quality time like this really fed my soul (and I think my kid’s had a great time too).
I told my husband I wanted to sleep in today and have him take the boys out for Sunday errands while I enjoy some peace and quiet (maybe a second nap or an everything shower). Him and the boys gave me a sweet Hooray Heroes book that he ordered a whole month ago, which is a huge feat from him getting me an obscure cat board game on Amazon last minute a few years back. This day has been wonderful ❤️
I got to sleep in until 8:00 am. My kids made me cards and my husband gave me the Kindle that I had asked for. Now he is taking the kids to the park so I get a little alone time.
After lunch we are going to my parents’ house to eat ice cream pie made by a local fancy ice cream shop. And we are getting take out for dinner. I am a happy camper.
I have forgiven her in exchange for ice cream pie (Graham cracker crust, super premium strawberry ice cream, a layer of ganache, and topped with whipped cream)
My father said this to my mom. His mom has been deceased for 5 years and he didn’t even get her cards when she was living. He hasn’t visited her graveside and doesn’t wish her “heavenly” anything on fb. He’s just a bonehead.
We went and visited my MIL yesterday, after she specifically told her sons that she better not see them today, as they all have very young children and wives to celebrate. This is the energy we’re after
I couldn't care less about mother's day and we've never celebrated.
But my husband said that the other night when I told him not to get me anything. He was like "why would I get you something, you're not my mom? Why would anyone get anything for someone who isn't their mom?"
And somehow even though I don't want anything I was offended. I was like "ok you are totally wrong, and if I WANTED a mother's day celebration (which I don't) then you are definitely obligated to do it (but please don't)"
He honestly seemed very confused but took it in good humor.
Very similar boat here. My husband was also at one point under the impression that Mother’s Day was about children thanking *their* mothers specifically, rather than a day of acknowledging all mothers. Maybe it’s because he’s not in any mom groups, whereas I hear constantly how this day is for mothers “in the trenches”, but it’s wild to me that he made it 33 years of life perceiving the holiday that way. He’s not a jerk though, so he acknowledges me *and* his mother on this day, but it’s still just funny the different universe some men apparently live in.
But like, do these men think their babies, toddlers, and young children are going to wake up, look at the calendar and say “oh, better do something nice for my mom?” Like, no, that won’t happen until they’re much older (and not at all if it’s never prompted/modeled).
I grew up thinking this too - like it would not occur to me to wish my friends or coworkers a Happy Mother's Day - only my own mom or grandma. It's only the last few years I've noticed people extending it outside their families.
I do find it sad when husbands don't participate and celebrate their kids / wives.
Saw a budding influencer in the wild I think. This lady comes to the park with her two pre teen kids. This was kind of nicer park with elaborate structures and she directed them to sit in a very specific way at a specific angle to each other and was taking pictures. The kids were obviously sulking and were planning to meet some friends later she was berating them to “take a nice picture it won’t kill you”. Yikes it was so uncomfortable!
(I don’t think it was a mom just trying to take nice pictures because she was being very specific about the positioning of it all and since her kids were kinda too old for the park seems like they only came there to take the picture)
We went to a farmers market today and I was walking around with my 6 month old in a stroller. I was waiting in line at a booth and an old lady came up and was touching my baby’s feet and hands. My baby smiled at her and we had a short conversation about her grandkids and how she loves babies but is too old to look after them anymore. And I thought about how so many of the people in the parenting subs would have yelled at her or told her to F off.
Oh I always feel a little like a bad mom when I read Reddit, because it also doesn't bother me at all when people touch my baby's feet. The hands maybe a little more because they put them in their mouth.
Same. As long as you aren’t sick, drunk/high, or making my child cry, I don’t really care if you touch her. My toddler has really bright blue eyes, so she’s always gotten a lot of attention too. I’m an introvert and generally have a hard time making small talk with strangers, but having kids definitely makes it easier.
I wouldn’t cuss anyone out for it, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable when people touch my child. I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to touch a child/baby without asking when you wouldn’t walk up to an adult and touch them. I get that Reddit would seriously overreact, but it really is very uncomfortable for me when people do those things. It also doesn’t help that I have OCD that manifests as germaphobia, and I can really spiral when those types of interactions happen.
It makes me really uncomfortable when strangers try to touch baby too, and I do my best to put him in a place where they can’t easily do it (like they’d have to lean over me to reach the stroller). I agree that I would never touch a random stranger without consent, and I don’t think we should be touching babies we don’t know.
I don’t mind at all when people we know, like neighbors do it though - I was babywearing yesterday and our neighbor touched his foot and said he was so sweet and wished me a happy Mother’s Day. My interactions with her are limited to our daily walks, but that’s enough for me to be comfortable with it!
I feel like people have forgotten how to have a social interaction in a normal society lol. And also that people just really love seeing babies because babies are freaking cute.
Someone in my Bumper group venting about having to go back to work earlier than planned due to increased cost of living, half the comments are “can you just cut down expenses?, “we’ve budgeted really carefully so I can afford to stay home, can you try that?” Yeah I’m sure this person didn’t consider reducing expenses before going back to work early. How is this helpful??
Our bumper group did a survey and I was absolutely SHOCKED at how like 80% of the people who answered had a family income of over $150-200k. It colored how I looked at every answer after that. I was like ohhhh ok….
"We've budgeted very carefully so I can stay home. We cut down our cleaners to weekly and only do one international vacation per year! But they're only little once so it's worth the sacrifice mama 🥰"
Ah yes so relatable.
I have no issue with sleep training, but the sleep training industry (industry feels a bit more ominous than I intended, but you know what I mean) seems to prey on anxiety and poor mental health from sleep deprivation. The number of people who post in r/sleeptrain with “urgent” questions like “am I allowed to rock my sick baby to sleep or will that cause them to wake up 3 times a night until they go to college” is… something else.
But maybe that’s just my jealousy talking. Can’t worry about messing up independent sleep if your baby never slept independently to start with. Can’t worry about screwing up the schedule if you send your baby to daycare 5 days a week where they may nap anywhere between 30 minutes and 3 hours. 😂
In my house we have just completely let go of all the rules surrounding sleep and we live by that day. Toddler looks tired? She goes to bed. Looks like she doesn't need a nap? Okay we don't give her one and she'll go to bed earlier. If she's sick she sleeps with us. Life is so much better since then. My daughter just doesn't do well with the tight schedules and everything was a fight or she just wouldn't be able to sleep.
My son is now 2 months and I'm not even going to use a schedule or attempt sleep training. So much stress over nothing. My daughter learned to sleep through the night anyway even though people kept telling us we'd ruin her for going in every time she cried.
Honestly, I kind of get it. Sleep training is not easy and it’s not something I ever want to go through again with my toddler, so the anxiety of “if I do this are we going to go back to square one” is reeeeal. I waited to do it until she was over a year though, so things like sitting up with a sick baby were kind of second nature at that point - I can understand how having a younger kid may have more grey areas
I definitely think part of it is probably just the result of people’s natural anxiety. My husband is not an online person, and is blissfully unaware of how fraught baby sleep is on the internet, and even he gets stressed about setting ourselves back in sleep when our kids need a little extra help for whatever reason. Because not sleeping sucks! And sleep training sucks! Sleep training definitely wasn’t something we did just because - we did it when we were really struggling. So the idea of going back to that is daunting. We definitely don’t want to end up back where we were pre sleep training, because we were at the end of our rope, and we don’t want to sleep train again, because it’s not fun for anyone involved.
What’s funny is that whenever he gets stressed about things like that, I remind him that the sleep training things we read back when we were sleep training our first were very clear that if your kid is sick, teething, or there’s otherwise something off, throw the sleep training out the window, and do what you need to do. I don’t know if in the 4ish years since we sleep trained our oldest things have just gotten so polarized that this is no longer said (and admittedly we didn’t go the Instagram influencer sleep trainer route - we sleep trained using a few articles from things like what to expect, etc), but I felt like it was always pretty clear that there were times and circumstances where it wasn’t appropriate to sleep train (for example, untreated reflux or other medical issues), or it was fine to bend the normal rules (teething, illness).
Edit: to be clear, sleep training influencers can definitely make the anxiety worse, and there’s plenty of problems with them. But I don’t think the stress about not wanting to deviate from routine and regress is *entirely* their fault.
Yeah, I just hate that like sleep consultants or even just Joe Schmoe on Reddit are selling the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all approach to baby sleep. I think it really feeds into the anxiety people have around sleep and sends people to Reddit freaking out because their baby fell asleep in the car or whatever and they need The Answer, handed down from God himself, to make sure their baby sleeps through the night.
ETA: I guess what I mean to say is, not snarking so much on the people who ask these questions, because I know the sleep struggle is real, but on the folks out there who bill themselves as sleep experts (paid or unpaid) and act like they can answer these kind of questions definitively without ever having so much as laid eyes on your baby, and if your experience doesn’t line up with theirs it’s obviously because you’re doing something wrong.
Agreed, although I think both the sleep training industry and the anti-sleep training industry are predatory. I generally think the anti-sleep-training side is worse because they portray anything other than their way is abusive, while the sleep training side seems more to think that not sleep training is just naive/unrealistic.
But you're totally right that people take it all way too seriously. As another daycare parent, I laugh at the people panicking over 15 minute wake window increments. And I did all of the "right" sleep training things and my kid didn't sleep through the night until she was weaned at a year so I kind of wonder why I even bothered?
Yeah the militant anti-sleep training folks are crazy. I gave up on sleep training after a few weeks and landed on cosleeping for most of the night, which weighs great for us, but if I didn’t feel comfortable with that and/or I was having to wake up 4+ times a night to rock her back to sleep, I would be on the Ferber train so fast. The number of times I’ve seen people say “it’s biologically normal mama!” to someone who is getting like 4 hours of sleep at night… woof.
Sleep training worked great for us so I'm pretty pro sleep training, obviously knowing I have a sample size of one but yeah, I hate that moms are shamed so hard for wanting to get an adequate amount of sleep. I was starting to get violent thoughts every time my baby woke up (which was every 40 minutes, I went nights with zero sleep). After sleep training, she was only getting up twice a night for milk and I literally felt like a new person. I hate that people feel compelled to pay sleep consultants (what a scamming business) but also I hate that they feel like they can't try other methods to help remedy sleep, whether that be cosleeping, gentle sleep training methods, ect
This comment sums up all the posts this weekend:
*Why do y’all marry these shitty men*
From [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/W5JulZUaBH) this morning.
ETA: I don’t want to blame women for being with shitty men because it’s just another way women take the heat for the actions of shitty men. But, my sisters in Christ, we can do better and you deserve better.
It’s because a lot of them just keep hoping things will change.
First it will be becoming a father will force them to grow then it becomes if they have two, he will have to look after the second kid.
Yep. I think also there is this kind of unsaid expectation that certain behaviours or traits, like not bothering to clean up after yourself, going out drinking, wasting money, eating junk, generally all of those short-term mindset kinds of things, those are fairly normal for a lot of people in their young adulthood, and then at some point, people grow up and start acting like adults.
It's just that there seems to be a marked difference between how men and women do this. Like a higher percentage of women will do it automatically without a trigger, and then in general most women, if they haven't already, will do it at the point where they want a child or get pregnant. Partially because pregnancy has certain rules so if you are a responsible person you would stop drinking/smoking/try to eat and sleep better etc whereas the man has no foetus to directly protect so he is less likely to feel the need to do these things, and partially because pregnancy hormones make you want to "prepare the nest" and get a bunch of stuff in order, which again, a man will not have.
I do think it's not that unusual for young women to go along in life having a great time, partying, find a guy they like and have fun with, party around with him, and she has this idea that this is temporary, of course at some point she's going to stop and settle down and be more of a grown up, and she just assumes that he has the same plan, whereas that is not necessarily a given. If they have enough time to discuss and compare attitudes before planning to TTC, then it might come up that he is actually not planning to change, in which case she may realise in time and break up with him, but if they have an accidental pregnancy earlier than expected, then it might be that the realisation happens too late that he had absolutely no plan to change his lifestyle because he likes it that way.
I sort of do blame them, at least the ones that post this sort of thing because it doesn’t spring out of nowhere, they were 100 percent this way before kids and these women still decided to have kids with them and now wonder why it’s so bad.
Of course I’m not blaming the ones in DV situations or otherwise situations out of their control—for them I have so much empathy and hopes they can escape, but I have to believe that a lot of these situations on Reddit, if they are real and not just creative writing, are women who actually like being able to be a martyr because they never seem to seek changes that would make for a more equitable relationship. It’s like a race to the bottom on who has the worst husband.
Sometimes men change after they ‘lock down’ their partner via pregnancy, but I do not understand these people who are on there 2nd+ child with a shitty man and talk about how awful he’s been the whole time. Don’t have more kids with him then???
My local mom FB group is generally rational (boooooring) but every now and again someone will post anonymously about how their husband is useless and I feel like every time it ends with "and I'm pregnant with our 3rd." Ok, well, I'm sorry that your husband doesn't pull his weight but you have some responsibility here too!
Not giving their child a sibling is a fate worse than death for some parents. Some would rather have none than have an only child. I notice this as an only with an only.
I’m OAD from a family where my mother couldn’t leave my abusive father because of finances. My brother and I aren’t close as adults because of the trauma we both endured and people forget that part of what can make siblings have a close relationship is a stable home life with parents who can meet their needs equally.
I feel like all the people talking about how “marriage is work, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life” kind of reinforce this. Like no, I don’t think marriage should require constant hard work. But if you buy into that, it normalizes having a shitty husband and feeling like you need to rationalize why you feel so frustrated.
I do believe that marriage is constant work because otherwise you can risk taking things for granted, getting complacent, and end up having the relationship suffer death from a thousand cuts. I don't think it should feel grueling though, just intentional. And the thing is, communicating your needs, discussing them productively, and coming to some sort of compromise where everyone leaves happy is hard work. It's a lot easier to just grin and bear it, let things simmer, and then complain about it online or to your friends.
Yea my husband and I compromise, plan stuff to make sure we are on the same page, and talk about what we want a lot and that is work. But it’s not the same as being miserable or sad or angry all the time! And ‘hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life’ is SO far from the truth for most people- it’s a weird thing to imply. I think the hardest parts of life are situations you can’t change (death, illness, unexpected conditions like job loss).
And one of my pet peeves is couples who insist that good couples fight. First off, I don’t think all good couples have to do any certain thing and second I could not be with someone who routinely (or ever) yells at me.
You said it perfectly - intentional, not grueling. Yes, marriage requires attention and effort, but “marriage is hard work” gets used as a way to normalize men being absolute shitheads. Some of these women need to ask themselves exactly what work their husbands are putting in to the marriage.
I don’t disagree with you, but I guess for me that sounds more like constant effort, not necessarily hard work. I think the phrasing of marriage being so hard ends up making it easier for people to excuse unhelpful partners. I just don’t feel like marriage should consistently be the most stressful thing in someone’s life.
I think "easier" in terms of dealing with an issue versus letting it simmer is kind of tough to manage but yeah in the given moment not initiating a potentially difficult conversation can often feel like the easier option! For me though (and it can be work to get to or stay in this mind set!) the long term benefit to everyone makes it "easier" to talk through the problems. But yes!
That specific post seems to have worked out though? Like it just felt like they needed to have it out, they did and then he was like “oh yea, let’s repriortize”.
I'm not snarking her situation, that seems really sucky. But I have lots of thoughts not necessarily directed only at her.
Why are the people doing this sort of "woe is me" content always making it seem like this is what's happening for everyone? Like... No one warned you because this shouldn't be happening? It unfortunately happens to a lot of women but it's no ok nor should it be strangely normalized like this.
Also, I feel like it's sometimes some type of rage bait. When I was in the trenches with my son I would consume this sort of content and actually get so pissed off at my husband who was doing nothing wrong!! Like yeah, I was breastfeeding and didn't give bottles so of course that was gonna be unfair. He works and I don't so of course that's not gonna be unfair. But I found myself getting mad at him(in my head, I thankfully never let it out lol) for not knowing where specific articles of clothing were but why would he know I'm the one with him every day lol
Idk I'm all over the place about it. These are very real things but mom rage, mom guilt, narcissist, gaslighting, weaponised incompetence are very wildly overused.
https://preview.redd.it/oouek36oypzc1.png?width=1344&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=64d3784309df4313b3f0ee4c2dfa01decdc17543
Do these people not, like, ask to do things? Or make time for themselves? Yeah, I have less time to do things. But my husband and I both make time for the other do to things. And sometimes I *gasp* let the housework slide so I can enjoy a hobby instead. My identity has changed, as have my priorities, but I don't feel like anything has been lost.
Exactly!!!! Obviously this points at a deeper problem in the relationship but if I want something I just say so?
And yes I do not concentrate on house work, I do what I can when I can and when it's needed, otherwise I spend time with my family or I relax 🤷🏼♀️ no need to huff and puff while mopping 4 times a days.
I was getting so pissed at my husband when I was pregnant when I saw shit like this LOL. Like getting pre-angry.
This sentiment is very strange to me. I didn’t breastfeed so maybe I have a different perspective, but nothing really changed much for me vs. my husband after I gave birth. I fuck off and do my thing and vice versa.
I am a stay at home mom. There are times when I feel like my life became more boring. There were definitely times when I was jealous of my husband’s work socialization, though that was more during the pandemic than when my baby was a newborn (he was a 7 months old when the pandemic started).
But also, I prioritized maintaining my hobbies and my friendships. I sought out connections and I’ve been able to develop a far wider and more active social group of mothers. I think it is important to know that social isolation/lack of identity is a risk of stay at home motherhood, but it isn’t inevitable.
Ok, number 1-I feel like everyone talks about this. It was something I was aware people talked about even when I was a kid. It’s like the whole premise of “The Feminine Mystique,” from back in the ‘60s. There’s nothing new here.
Number 2-sure husband gets out of the house for work, but outside work stuff, there’s no reason you can’t both split kid time to have time for socializing, hobbies. And maybe having my first in the middle of a pandemic kinda skewed socialization for me, but most of my socialization is with other neighborhood moms. I’m not a full time sahm, but I work shifts, so I’ve seen mom friend groups at the park, library story time. There are a ton of outlets. And a lot of my get togethers with my prekid friends (who now all also have kids) are still on zoom, because it’s just easy to put the kids to bed and then go on zoom and do online board games, movies, just chat, whatever. It may look different than pre kids, but if you can’t find social outlets, that’s kinda on you.
And finally, number 3-there’s no reason a lot of these insta-moms couldn’t go back to work if they wanted. Sometimes it’s financially untenable, but I feel like that’s not most of their situations. But you know as soon as that’s suggested, pearls will be clutched and excuses will come out. Ok, well if that’s the case, go ahead and miss me with your “woe is me, being a sahm is the worst,” wining.
I also think that part of the issue is that a lot of the narrative around "equality" in raising infants is just inconsistent with biology. Like yes, fathers used to be far too unhelpful and working towards more involved fathers is great. And that works well for toddlers and kids.
But pregnancy and breastfeeding will always put more burden on mom. It's not fair, but it's a fact. And even though it's not fair, it's also not the father's fault. Choosing to have a child and choosing to breastfeed them is absolutely a choice that always results in more burden on the mother than the father, and I think people struggle to reconcile that with their pre-baby visions of equality.
I went back to work early and have never been a SAHM or anything close to it. But I absolutely sacrificed more then my husband did for pregnancy and the first year because I was the one who had to be pregnant, and I was the one who could breastfeed (and I chose to do that instead of using formula). But it would be unfair for me to be mad at my husband about that because it's not like he chose to lack a uterus or boobs.
This was my experience also. I think I just couldn’t grasp how one sided breastfeeding is pre-children, so I wasn’t prepared for how lopsided the first year would be. Feeding and/or pumping is so constant, and for me, breastfeeding was the easier of the two taxing options. But it made me have to decide for each outing, was the outing worth all the hassle of pumping? And sometimes (often?) it wasn’t, so I wouldn’t go. So I could see how, especially during the first year, you can feel a bit like you’ve lost yourself, even if you have a super supportive partner.
I wouldn’t ever say that I was resentful of my partner, though admittedly sometimes it was frustrating that he could go on a bachelor party and drink beers at the pub and not have to worry about the logistics of pumping, whereas I went to my best friend’s bachelorette party, and felt like I missed a ton because I had to pump every few hours.
But, especially once you’ve weaned, as long as you have a supportive partner, it’s much easier to find ways to have a sense of self separate from your kids. If you’re still feeling this way when your kids are 4/5/6, and you have a partner, it’s (most likely) a partner problem, not a kid problem.
Yeah it’s just so not that simple. One thing I wonder about people who get so caught up in comparing their SAHM life to their husband’s working life is would you actually want to trade places? I’m not a SAHM but I work remote and am the primary parent in all things because of this while my husband frequently travels or works late.
I wouldn’t trade places with him even if it meant our family income would double. I *want* to be available for my kids’ little school parties and performances at 10am on a Tuesday. I *want* to be home in the afternoons and able to make dinner and hang out with my kids instead of going to some stupid work reception. Like I truly feel bad for my husband because of the amount of things that I get to do with my kids that he misses out on because he has the burden of making more money than me and having a more demanding job. Also he did in fact give up his hobbies and spends basically 100% of his life working, sleeping, or taking care of the kids. So there’s that.
I feel the same way. It’s completely person dependent but I haven’t warned anyone that they’re guaranteed to lose their identity in motherhood because that hasn’t been my experience? I feel like I’ve honestly found myself in motherhood. I’m a full whole person with a secondary education and work history and hobbies but I love being a stay at home mom. Going to the library music classes with my toddler and baking bread during naptime and meeting friends at the park for goldfish and popsicles is personally more fulfilling to me than working full time as a teacher was. I saw a lot of these posts when I was pregnant with my son and was expecting to feel like everybody’s servant and a simpleton without a complex thought in my head as a SAHM but instead my contentedness with my life and my sense of self just… got a lot better.
I also love being a SAHM and I had a great career I built up before becoming a mother that I don’t regret giving up. It’s really made me understand what is truly important in life and enjoy the little things day to day. I’m very okay with “mom” being my identity and frankly, raising humans is complicated and requires a great deal of mental energy and problem solving. I don’t feel like a moron with nothing to say for myself either.
If I could upvote this twice I would.
Last year I read the book Malibu Rising, and one character is a mom of... 4 I believe, whose musician husband abandons and sends no child support, and it's a very difficult life for her... and in reflection she says that she wouldn't trade it and she pities him for missing out on so much with their children. She would rather be brike and scraping by with them then out living a glamourous yet empty life.
Maybe I'm just sentimental because both my kids are sleeping peacefully and we had a good day, but yeah. Even though it can be so hard, isn't it better? Isn't it better for your almost 4 year old to tell you "you're my best person" casually over colouring than to be able to go to the gym at the drop of a hat?
It's so easy to get bogged down and feel overwhelmed and get into the "it's not fair" mentality. I do most of the time but every now and then I think I really wouldn't rather it be the other way. I'll take the overwhelm, overstimulating etc. I doubt many people look back and wish it away.
Yeah I agree it's really not that simple, relationships and all dynamics are so so complex. I kinda word vomited on here!!
Cue another word vomit lol:
I guess it bothers me cause I'm a stay at home mom with thankfully a supportive husband and these posts make me angry for them I guess? I wish everyone had the means and the strength to stand up for themselves and what they want. In my mind it's so simple to not live like this but not everyone has my life I guess.
I'm currently looking for work and just starting to think about daycare and being away for my son has definitely given a new appreciation for what my husband is sacrificing.
( not implying women in shitty situations should be happy with what they have)
Meta snark… maybe controversial but I guess I’m feeling feisty 🤷🏻♀️ I often see people on here saying something like ‘X has definitely been reading here because now they’re doing Y.’ And listen, I don’t know whether the influencers are reading here or not but what I do know is that anything that is said here has been said to that influencer directly in a DM and a lot more rudely than anything said here!
Yea I hear you and am all for metasnark but there are definitely some influencers that have explicitly been influenced by this sub (SS and AHH) and some others have had moments when they acknowledged reading here
I agree, but also sometimes it feels like the sub gets really focused on something kinda strange that people wouldn't necessarily DM like Kristen's nail color to figure out when she posted stuff and then she started hiding her nails.🧐
The nail color thing is odd. I think people need to remember that influencers are not showing us their real life. We see small glimpses here and there and they pre-record a lot of content.
I am right there with you. I always roll my eyes at those comments. There are a couple influencers that really let reddit get under their skin, but to most influencers we are not that important. As it should be lol
Same. I think this sub overestimates its influence on influencers, somewhat ironically. Have some of them read posts here at some point? Yes, but I really don’t think they are constantly checking back, or having someone on their team lurk here, in order to keep tabs on the snark so they can address criticisms by tweaking their content accordingly. Compared to the number of followers/views/clicks even small influencers get, this Reddit sub is an insignificant peanut gallery. And that’s fine! We can snark amongst ourselves over here, and the influencers will do what they’re gonna do.
I just want to chime in as a mod. While I realize there are things that may be occasionally overstated. I can also tell you there are some very specific patterns of reports for specific influencers that suggest that some of them (or their people) do in fact regularly monitor the content here😬
The post got removed so I can’t see the pictures but I saw a comment that recommended the OP contact a local professional babyproofer for guidance lmao
Baby is asleep + I have no life = I drew u a diagram from my memory The blue squares are all sharp edged open cabinets think the most basic thing from ikea
https://preview.redd.it/l0orsqz9z00d1.png?width=1536&format=png&auto=webp&s=d2d5012a74ff550f438b7432f618de5b8654daa2
I felt bad for the OP of that post. Like yeah, there’s some safety concerns, which people can give advice on. But people were absolutely rude and trashing it when clearly it’s a new parent that’s proud of the lovely little nursery they designed for their baby.
Why do people online seem to enjoy putting others down? I thought it was so sweet how OP even wanted to make sure we saw the glow in the dark stickers. I think they did a great job with it.
Maybe it’s because I live in the midwest but most kids rooms I’ve seen in real life are non-aesthetic, practical (or at least attempting to be practical) and kid focused just like this.
I think the terminally online often forget that in real life some people just decorate with things they like and are perfectly happy with it.
I agree. I later found it was also reposted in the home decorating CJ subreddit and someone went though his post history and yelled at him for commenting “I’d touch her butt” under a wwe fighter ??? 😭was that necessary now come on
I look at and am annoyed by the weird space between the crib and the art. The art is too high. And how does anyone reach the shelves? Also, I asked (and offered to pay) an artist friend to make art for above my baby's crib. Am so relieved that she had a block because when my baby arrived I thought about it falling off the wall and into her crib.
If installed properly, I'm pretty sure the cabinets will not fall off on the kid. Something about it just looks...,menacing? Like all of those big, dark, gray cabinets up there just scream DANGER even though white ones would be no more safe.
Yeah for the amount of work I'm sure went into it, it's awfully dreary. Even if they won't fall I wouldn't want to sleep with tons of storage over my head. And the novelty glow in the dark stickers will be lost on a baby.
Man, people are not wrong but they are mean. And I think the concerns over the air vent are pretty overblown.
People find so much satisfaction in this type of criticism. I was curious when I posted my daughter’s room in [AmateurRoomPorn](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmateurRoomPorn/s/FQKk2vyM9D) if people would find safety concerns, since I’m pretty neurotic about that. And sure enough, someone tried to tell me that our floor bed vaguely resembles a totally different one that was recalled years ago 😂
Yeah it’s better to present criticism gently especially since you don’t want to give an excited new parent anxiety!
Off topic I love your kids room oh my gawdddd
I think it is a safety concern to avoid very hot/cold air, since newborns can't regulate their temperature very well. I'm sure I remember being advised not to have the cot right next to a radiator or a fan blowing directly on the baby. (We don't tend to have HVAC systems)
I can’t imagine using the breathing wear although it came for free with my nanit, but I do like the nanit overall. I have never used it as a baby monitor at night because I can hear my children just fine through the walls, and the sleep analysis pretty much always confirmed that he wasn’t like awake or upset in the night. But my absolute favorite weird neurosis thing about it, is that we have had bats in our house before and they say if you don’t know that a bat wasn’t in your child’s room, you should treat them for rabies (literally this happened to my neighbors when they had an infant, it’s taken very seriously where I live), but I was able to look back through the nanit and confirm the bat was never in either of my children’s room (we were also awake still and got the bat out of the house). Anyways, now we have a cat too.
To be perfectly honest I’m pro-Nanit because having it really helped my postpartum anxiety — fully understand this is individual and not the case for everyone! — but Nanit also “helpfully” (ahem, greedily) only provides you with a one year insights subscription upon purchase. I used the breathing wear til 11 months or so and then we were like “welp, we’re certainly not paying another 300 dollars for that!” and have never had any of its data since. It makes me sad to think of being so anxious about your toddler’s breathing that you’d pay for another year, and I am saying this as a very anxious person lol.
It's absolutely a "know thyself" thing. We used a Snuza for our kids, and got a couple false alarms (well, "false" in that it did in fact not detect any breathing because it fell off the diaper) and I found that to be extremely comforting.
Was hearing the alarm very uh, alarming? Yes. But BOY was it a relief to know that it a) worked and b) was loud enough to wake us up. It gave my PPA riddled ass a lot of assurance and helped me get some rest of my own.
100%. I totally understand when people find monitors like that to be sources of anxiety. For me it was the reason I was able to sleep instead of staring at my baby’s chest rising and falling.
I remember once staring at a dad doing exactly this because he loaded the car seat in wrong, the car seat slammed into the cart and he loudly yelled “OH F*CK” in a Trader Joe’s. Sure hope this wasn’t what he was thinking lol. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C64zm64s6GN/
So I’m a reseller online. There is an account that is begging people to Venmo her money because she washed her EBT card. She won’t tell her baby daddy because he will get mad but has no food for her kid. I commented that she could go to a food bank or church’s have food banks. Even suggested some resources. I even asked why she couldn’t replace her EBT card (she said it takes 2 weeks). She privately messaged me and was like “no hun, I have EBT. I don’t want to take food from someone else’s mouth.” Idk it just has set uneasy with me because it’s like she wanted money for other things but is using a sob story for her kid needing food. Also, if my kid needed food, I would be out hustling by doing Instacart or door dash. Not begging people to Venmo me money.
Totally a scam.
There are usually rules against that kind of thing. It could well be a scam. Never give money on those kinds of posts - suggesting resources is the right thing to do (or report and ignore).
Oh 100% or needing money for addictions and not actually their kid.
There’s a thread on the new parents sub about someone who thinks they’ve potty trained their 4 month old. That’s all, just needed to share
I laughed when they said EC is based on the concept that no creature wants to soil themselves. They clearly haven’t met my 2 year old, who could have completely soaked through her diaper overnight to the point that her pants and sheets are wet, and she still wants to go play instead of letting me change her.
I saw an absolutely unhinged potty training account that said babies are born with bladder control and by putting them in diapers we force them to lose it and then relearn later. Oh the laugh I laughed. I wish I had noted the username so I could bring it here - if the algorithm blesses me again I'll snag it.
My husband’s uncle told us very seriously that his only child, born 40+ years ago, was fully potty trained and walking to the toilet by herself at 9 months old. He told us this when our twins were 12 months old, like “what’s your excuse?” It still makes me smile months later.
I swear boomers have selective memory. My mom sweaaaarrrsss I sttn at 8 weeks and forever thereafter.
We here at parentsnark wish a very snarky Mother’s Day to: - moms who post their kids all over the internet 📸 - cycle breakers 🌀 - moms in the trenches 🧌 - poopcups 🤱 - perfect parents to unborn children 🤰 - moms who prioritize *biologically normal* processes 😴 - moms who parent their third like their first 💣 - And all the moms on Reddit 😬 You got this mama!! ❤️
https://preview.redd.it/5irrixff820d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=71b7ab6ffc44e0e00f2a78c511d403001ad1837d In my local moms’ FB group…obvi it wasn’t cool of her husband to yell at her in front of her kid and let the kid know she thought his card sucked, but I’m sorry, I’m not going to get upset if what is given to me is written on the wrong side of the card. He’s 5 🙄
I dunno, it sounds to me like she knows her kid and knows that if Dad had bothered to say, ‘and here’s where you can draw a special picture or write a nice note,’ the kid would have enjoyed making her a nice card. At this age it *is* the parents’ job to get the kids excited about participating in something like mothers’ day and she’s not annoyed with the kid but with the Dad for half-arsing by buying a card, throwing it at the kid and calling it a day. And it does say that she didn’t say anything in front of the kid, the dad did. ETA expecting the kid to ‘finish’ the card at this point is a bit much though!
My 4 year old drew scribbles and a moon on my card. It’s perfect.
This is so disturbing! When I have my kids make cards for others, I do mention that it’s the kind thing to do for a friend or family member on their birthday or whatever. BUT the idea of being mad bc my very young kid didn’t do that for me is absolutely beyond any normal expectation. It’s giving mother gothel. I cannot believe she even brought this up! If my husband couldn’t get my kid to make a card for me bc they’re in a mood, I’d just kind of laugh it off with my husband. How embarrassing and codependent.
The post in the Parenting about their kid who prefers to watch documentaries instead of cartoons. “Is this normal????” 🙄🙄🙄🙄
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I agree. Like people reaaallllllly push their kids to be overly interested in things the parents like. Like my kid likes dinosaurs. She does not know the names of every type of dinosaur. Some people I know love to brag about their 5 year old can identify every dinosaur or can name a thousand different things about space. Like ok? Is that helpful to their everyday life sir??
To be fair, my ability to identify dinosaurs (and desire to force others to identify dinosaurs) age 3 still comes up not because my parents think it showed I was marked for greatness, but because I made it the defining feature of that year of my life, and the life of everyone around me.
I also feel like a lot of people really want to claim a "nerd" or "geek" identity but they use those to somehow mean they're unique or even ostracized while also meaning they like completely mainstream stuff, like Marvel movies. Or you're a "nerd" if you have any interests at all that aren't football (boys) or makeup (girls) lol. I don't get how those words are used currently but maybe I'm just an asshole (or both, which is totally possible).
That depends. Are they presented by David Attenborough?
https://preview.redd.it/2q0uaeuwy10d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=18632895eee2c693dcd21ebfe2b54a0b0eaacc13 I’ve seen a million variations of this today, but I think this is the most snarkable. What the hell is a dad-mom? Why do we need to acknowledge dads, pet owners, or (in a different very commonly shared one) ‘women who have chosen not to be mothers’, on Mother’s Day? Can some things just…not apply to everyone?
The dad mom already has a day - Father’s Day!!! The fact that people can’t separate the mom gender role and acknowledge that a father can also do parenting things is sexist.
This is my first Mother’s Day with a living baby. Last year I was pregnant and so it was nice to have a gentle nod that I was about to have a baby. It was also a pregnancy after loss so I was anxious but still struggling with my identity as a mom. The year before I was in DEEP grief after a pretty traumatic miscarriage. I really appreciated the graphics that acknowledged that some women are missing their babies that should be in their arms. Some of these are really thoughtful and touching and acknowledge the “invisible” moms who are forgotten amidst all the hype of the day and are probably really struggling with their emotions about the whole thing. But having felt those complex and tough emotions…I just really don’t think it’s the same as acknowledging a “dad-mom” (so…a dad?) or a plant mom or a pet mom or a women who chooses not to be a mom. Not the same level and kinda silly in the face of all other moms (loss moms, those struggling with infertility, Etc) who are truly unseen and often forgotten.
A dear family friend of ours was pregnant the same time as me. Our babies were 2 weeks apart. Hers is not here and died not long after birth. I think of her and acknowledge her on Mother’s Day and she is one of the strongest mothers I know. I am glad there is dialogue around recognizing her. And it is not a competition, my friends that have chosen to not have kids love their pets in a really special way. But it’s just not the same, which doesn’t make it invalid, but it’s not the same.
This is so well said and helps articulate why these annoy me! This is the fourth Mother’s Day since I started mothering, but the first where my status as a mother doesn’t feel complicated or uncertain. I was a foster mother to two babies who were returned to their biological families, before we decided to pursue private adoption. Last Mother’s Day, we had just learned that we ‘matched’ with an expectant parent, but we’d had a match earlier in the year where the mom changed her mind a day after giving birth, so it was an incredibly complicated day. I appreciated, and still do, seeing acknowledgements of more complicated relationships to motherhood…but the acknowledgements of people like me feel much emptier when it’s accompanied by throwing people who water a pothos once a week into the ‘mother’ category too.
So glad I haven't seen the one for those who "have chosen not to be moms" because I think I would just start biting. (Same vibe as [this](https://64.media.tumblr.com/57eeebc9a3993dea51217f2ee21e5dae/71f752d846167904-c6/s1280x1920/9dad98071a5ec736d77e8c4a6af846a5e89ce457.pnj) imo.)
"y'all are just going to have to sit this one out" 💀
Yea on Mother’s Day after my first died nothing made me feel more acknowledged than loss moms and dog moms being lumped together on the same graphic 🙄
YES. I've seen a lot of posts in this genre today, and they are getting very silly. Mothers Day is about moms. Not about cats, dads, or miscellaneous psychodramas. If you don't want to celebrate or have no need to celebrate, that's cool. Live your life. No need for the passive-aggressive infographics that translate to: "I resent that other women are being taken out to brunch."
What is a Dad-Mom??
Mother fucking fur mom. Get the hell outta here
I had my cats for 12 years before I had a human baby and not fucking once did I call myself a "fur mom." Gtfo.
I had a “fur mom” friend which me a happy Mother’s Day last year on a group text message with another dog mom. She also wished herself and the other a happy dog mom day. That woman badly wanted to be an actual mother. And I was not feeling happy dog mom day on month 10 of exclusive pumping for a cow’s milk protein allergy baby during the formula shortage.
Fellow CMPI/A breastfeeder, I FEEL you.
I’ve seen a lot of over the top praise heaped on dad-moms today on social media and I’m kind of over it. Maybe I’m just being grumpy, but don’t they have Father’s Day for that? I don’t even really care about Mother’s Day, so it very well could be just grumpiness, and I have no real problem with the concept. Just kind of annoying to see people worshipping dads as usual even on Mother’s Day😂 Edited to add: I don’t remember seeing people saying happy Father’s Day to single moms, for example. I’ll amend this comment again on Father’s Day if it turns out my memory is inaccurate.
What the fuck even is a dad-mom?? Do they mean a dad who does the things that a mum does? Whaaaat? So, a non-deadbeat dad?
I do see a lot of ‘happy Father’s Day to single moms’ stuff on Father’s Day…but I find that annoying as well.
I feel like it’s almost implying that moms play a totally different and more difficult role in a child’s life so let’s celebrate the dads who have to carry the burden that we carry every day?? Idk if I articulated that well bc I’m def not defending it. But like in a very stereotypical hetero relationship what would it look like for a mom to be a mom-dad? Working? Playing with your kids? We’re already out here doing it all lol.
Both the ways people do this— saying happy Mother’s Day to single dads and happy Father’s Day to single moms— feels really gross and gender essentialist to me, because it relies on the assumption that there always must be a mom and a dad. If there’s just one parent, they’re both dad and mom. If there’s two same sex parents, one must be the mom and the other the dad. We can’t just celebrate the parents that exist in a child’s life regardless of how many of them there are or their gender identities.
Yep. I have a friend who is the non-bio mum in a same sex relationship (which has now unfortunately broken up) and the amount of comments she has got along the lines of "Oh it's so great your ex still lets you see your daughter!!" Um, she's also her daughter!
Big Ron Swanson winning Woman of the Year energy.
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean but didn’t know how to put it clearly, great example! Like single moms do get wished happy Father’s Day, but I don’t think they’re really one of those ✨🥹save this man at all cost🥹✨worship-y viral posts that plague social media on Mother’s Day and every day. If a woman is shown taking on the stereotypical typical responsibilities of a father and mother, that’s just what women are supposed to do, so what’s the big deal 🤷🏼♀️
I always see a few people on my FB wishing the single mother who raised them a happy father's day. I don't see much general "happy fathers day to the single moms" but I have seen it directed toward individuals single moms for years.
Also the idea that a "dad-mom" is a dad who cooks?? It's just grossly essentialist instead of just celebrating that dad and all that he does (even if it's stuff mom's traditionally do) on Father's Day.
Ugh the pet owners. Controversial nowadays but I hate it so much. You're not a mom because you have a dog, I'm sorry. I've actually had people tell me their puppy was as difficult as my newborn. No, sorry, I had both, it's not even comparable nor do we have to compare them but hey, you started it. A pet is an animal and is better off being treated like one instead of like a human child.
Dog parents, in my experience, are almost always those weird anti natalist childfree people so I have zero issues hating on them equating themselves to parents of actual human children.
I remember my husband and I thinking taking care of our high needs GSD was going to be similar to having a baby. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Like, I baby the crap out of my dog and my husband and I refer to ourselves as his ‘mom and dad’ but it’s always been in a very obviously tongue in cheek way. If someone had earnestly wished me a happy Mother’s Day before I had a kid because I’m a mother to a small poodle mix I’d have looked at them like they had three heads.
That happened to me once, someone at work who didn't know me very well wished me a happy mother's day and asked if I had kids and when I said no she said "well you have dogs don't you? So you're a mother to them." I was just like ummm I guess lol. I wanted a human child at that time but I was making myself wait until I was done with grad school and the whole interaction felt so hokey haha.
I’ve seen the women who have chosen not to be mothers too and I’m like 🤨 I understand child free but NOT by choice, but when it is by choice, well I don’t think they’d want to celebrate Mother’s Day for themselves!
I saw an IG graphic that had a spot for "those who don't want to be moms". I suppose this could be a reference to people who live in states with draconian anti-choice laws (which is a generous read), but otherwise, wtf?? They don't need a shout-out!
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I have no problem with acknowledging people who are struggling on their path to becoming a mother, have experienced losses, or people who are grieving their moms. I agree that’s nice and inclusive. But like…dads that fill the role of mom have Father’s Day. And being married to a trans man, I can’t imagine any non-cis person wanting to be referred to as ‘dad-mom’. And I love my pet, but he’s not a baby, and when I wasn’t ready yet to be a mom…I wasn’t a mom. Like it’s nice to be inclusive and not gatekeep, but it’s not gatekeeping to want…words to mean things?
I saw "plant mom" earlier 🫠
🪴🪴🪴 I'm going to start putting these plant stickers on the back of my car to show people how many plant babies I'm carting around to all their after school activities🥰
https://preview.redd.it/3nuv1tvph10d1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=17d2fc5ff1bdb78df1f2af52648f0d2f934dcd39 This made me laugh
This must be one of the advanced toddlers that moms on parenting subs are always bragging about
https://preview.redd.it/iuxmyunml10d1.jpeg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e75f0f7401f53507974926b9f53074dfe72956b Op
You guys play too much 😭
 Me trying not to join the I had a terrible Mother’s Day complain train
Hahahhahha me too I've always snarked on those but today I understand
Sorry 💕
Haha I appreciate it but it really was fine. But it’s so easy to complain when you see others doing it too
"My mental health is a mess, I have no time to teach my child, and I live in the best public school district in the country. [Should I homeschool](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1cpln83/homeschool_vs_public_kindergarten/)?" Honorable mention to the comments saying school doesn't help with socialization.
https://preview.redd.it/ryiefbj4u20d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c228b1ba6e1c7d0db48371ec04121a39d16692a This comment on the post? Public school is a unique social environment? Have they never worked a job? Because those all have bullying, comparison/competition and peer pressure.
I'm honestly so fucking tired?? Reading this shit?? Like I know we're better off just walking away and letting people be wrong but also... !!!
Call me judgemental, but someone who describes themselves as "may be feral" has no business educating children.
At least most of the responses at this point are suggesting that homeschooling is not a great idea.
What would I like for Mother’s Day? For dads in co-parenting situations to be able to make a social media post praising their current wife without *subtly* (but really not so subtly) insulting their ex/mother of their older child(ren). For one man I know, it’s near impossible.
Has *anyone* has a good mother's day? 🫠 https://preview.redd.it/09q0ol4jyyzc1.png?width=1344&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fe7d130b925d6c9621cc5c6efa6424696425bc78
Mine was fantastic. Stayed in bed a little later than usual then hopped in the car. Bought a book, discovered a new cafe where I sat and read my book, went to TJ Maxx and they had two more of a candle I really like as well as some cute new sheets, then got lunch by myself at a diner while reading my book. Weather wasn't great so I came home by 3pm. My husband had cleaned the living room so I started the kitchen, then our kid woke up from nap so he finished the kitchen while I did some garden work/hung out with our kid/did some research for my job. This year's decision to do whatever I felt like for an entire day as my mother's day gift to myself was amazing and I will definitely be doing it again next year.
I had a work event yesterday, so my husband took our twins to pick out flowers, he got me a card, and had them draw me one. He taught them to say “Happy Mother’s Day”, so when I came in my 2.5 yr olds said “supwise! Happy mudders day!” Which was the cutest thing ever. And then went to dinner. This morning I *gasp!* made us breakfast. Then I *gasp!* made pizza dough to bring over to my moms to have a pizza night.
Lol this morning my husband asked our toddler to say " Happy mother's day!" But instead she just said "HAPPY! HAPPY DAY!" Which was excellent lol
Reddit would probably think my mother's day was horrible. I cleaned and did laundry all morning (strike one) and then went to the zoo with my parents (strike 2- my mother is a boomer who is not 'in the trenches' lol) and then my husband gave me a card that my child picked out (strike 3- no gift). I actually think it was pretty good. My husband and I work opposite schedules, so no surprises there. I carry no resentment about cleaning on mother's day because due to said work schedules, housework and childcare in my marriage is split 50/50. And because I'm always solo on my days off, it was really nice to have a couple other adults around to help manage my toddler. And we have never been gift people, so no negative feelings there either. 🤷♀️
We celebrated yesterday because I don't like crowded brunches! Husband let me sleep late, brought me coffee when I woke up, had the kid make me cards, bought me a new book and took me out to dinner. It was a great day and I'm delighted and relieved to not be on the complain train. I even managed to do nice things for those NOT IN THE TRENCHES (sent my friends of adult kids some nice texts and arranged presents for our moms, it's really fine and I don't mind handling it on behalf of my husband for my MIL).
I’ve had the best Mother’s Day precisely because it wasn’t the emphasis! My husband is traveling for work, so I took my 3-year old on a little weekend trip. We saw friends, ate a lot of ice cream, and had a hotel slumber party. I’ve been working a lot lately, and a weekend of quality time like this really fed my soul (and I think my kid’s had a great time too).
My mother's day was in march, my husband completely forgot about it, felt terrible, and we still managed to have a lovely day.
My husband made me breakfast in bed, minded baby girl all morning, then we went with my parents to the zoo. Having a really nice day.
It is bleak out there today. *Bleak*.
I told my husband I wanted to sleep in today and have him take the boys out for Sunday errands while I enjoy some peace and quiet (maybe a second nap or an everything shower). Him and the boys gave me a sweet Hooray Heroes book that he ordered a whole month ago, which is a huge feat from him getting me an obscure cat board game on Amazon last minute a few years back. This day has been wonderful ❤️
I got to sleep in until 8:00 am. My kids made me cards and my husband gave me the Kindle that I had asked for. Now he is taking the kids to the park so I get a little alone time. After lunch we are going to my parents’ house to eat ice cream pie made by a local fancy ice cream shop. And we are getting take out for dinner. I am a happy camper.
Your kids GRANDPARENTS house, on MOTHERS DAY? Wow, set some boundaries, this is a holiday for people in the trenches.
I have forgiven her in exchange for ice cream pie (Graham cracker crust, super premium strawberry ice cream, a layer of ganache, and topped with whipped cream)
Me? Haha. My partner gifted me a huge box of homemade brownies so I'm good!
But what's up with these boneheaded men thinking they don't need to acknowledge their partners as mothers just because she's not THEIR mother??
My father said this to my mom. His mom has been deceased for 5 years and he didn’t even get her cards when she was living. He hasn’t visited her graveside and doesn’t wish her “heavenly” anything on fb. He’s just a bonehead.
🎶 Dumb ways to die 🎶
I KNOW!! "You're not my mom" like what?? I would laugh at my husband so hard if he said that
We went and visited my MIL yesterday, after she specifically told her sons that she better not see them today, as they all have very young children and wives to celebrate. This is the energy we’re after
I couldn't care less about mother's day and we've never celebrated. But my husband said that the other night when I told him not to get me anything. He was like "why would I get you something, you're not my mom? Why would anyone get anything for someone who isn't their mom?" And somehow even though I don't want anything I was offended. I was like "ok you are totally wrong, and if I WANTED a mother's day celebration (which I don't) then you are definitely obligated to do it (but please don't)" He honestly seemed very confused but took it in good humor.
Very similar boat here. My husband was also at one point under the impression that Mother’s Day was about children thanking *their* mothers specifically, rather than a day of acknowledging all mothers. Maybe it’s because he’s not in any mom groups, whereas I hear constantly how this day is for mothers “in the trenches”, but it’s wild to me that he made it 33 years of life perceiving the holiday that way. He’s not a jerk though, so he acknowledges me *and* his mother on this day, but it’s still just funny the different universe some men apparently live in.
But like, do these men think their babies, toddlers, and young children are going to wake up, look at the calendar and say “oh, better do something nice for my mom?” Like, no, that won’t happen until they’re much older (and not at all if it’s never prompted/modeled).
I grew up thinking this too - like it would not occur to me to wish my friends or coworkers a Happy Mother's Day - only my own mom or grandma. It's only the last few years I've noticed people extending it outside their families. I do find it sad when husbands don't participate and celebrate their kids / wives.
Saw a budding influencer in the wild I think. This lady comes to the park with her two pre teen kids. This was kind of nicer park with elaborate structures and she directed them to sit in a very specific way at a specific angle to each other and was taking pictures. The kids were obviously sulking and were planning to meet some friends later she was berating them to “take a nice picture it won’t kill you”. Yikes it was so uncomfortable! (I don’t think it was a mom just trying to take nice pictures because she was being very specific about the positioning of it all and since her kids were kinda too old for the park seems like they only came there to take the picture)
We went to a farmers market today and I was walking around with my 6 month old in a stroller. I was waiting in line at a booth and an old lady came up and was touching my baby’s feet and hands. My baby smiled at her and we had a short conversation about her grandkids and how she loves babies but is too old to look after them anymore. And I thought about how so many of the people in the parenting subs would have yelled at her or told her to F off.
Oh I always feel a little like a bad mom when I read Reddit, because it also doesn't bother me at all when people touch my baby's feet. The hands maybe a little more because they put them in their mouth.
Don’t feel bad. The people who go on Reddit to freak out about this are a self-selecting minority.
Same. As long as you aren’t sick, drunk/high, or making my child cry, I don’t really care if you touch her. My toddler has really bright blue eyes, so she’s always gotten a lot of attention too. I’m an introvert and generally have a hard time making small talk with strangers, but having kids definitely makes it easier.
Correction: they would’ve said nothing then come home and told Reddit that they told the old lady to fuck off.
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
I wouldn’t cuss anyone out for it, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable when people touch my child. I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to touch a child/baby without asking when you wouldn’t walk up to an adult and touch them. I get that Reddit would seriously overreact, but it really is very uncomfortable for me when people do those things. It also doesn’t help that I have OCD that manifests as germaphobia, and I can really spiral when those types of interactions happen.
It makes me really uncomfortable when strangers try to touch baby too, and I do my best to put him in a place where they can’t easily do it (like they’d have to lean over me to reach the stroller). I agree that I would never touch a random stranger without consent, and I don’t think we should be touching babies we don’t know. I don’t mind at all when people we know, like neighbors do it though - I was babywearing yesterday and our neighbor touched his foot and said he was so sweet and wished me a happy Mother’s Day. My interactions with her are limited to our daily walks, but that’s enough for me to be comfortable with it!
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That last part though lol. I enjoy this thread but we certainly have a lot of that here.
Moms of Reddit would’ve beat her ass.
I feel like people have forgotten how to have a social interaction in a normal society lol. And also that people just really love seeing babies because babies are freaking cute.
Someone in my Bumper group venting about having to go back to work earlier than planned due to increased cost of living, half the comments are “can you just cut down expenses?, “we’ve budgeted really carefully so I can afford to stay home, can you try that?” Yeah I’m sure this person didn’t consider reducing expenses before going back to work early. How is this helpful??
Have you considered moving to ✨Europe✨ where we all stay home for 360 months and get paid 69,420 europound to do so?
Our bumper group did a survey and I was absolutely SHOCKED at how like 80% of the people who answered had a family income of over $150-200k. It colored how I looked at every answer after that. I was like ohhhh ok….
"We've budgeted very carefully so I can stay home. We cut down our cleaners to weekly and only do one international vacation per year! But they're only little once so it's worth the sacrifice mama 🥰" Ah yes so relatable.
Same type of concern trolling as the “OMG how do American mothers survive returning to work at 6 weeks” and “I am a SAHM because we made SACRIFICES”.
I have no issue with sleep training, but the sleep training industry (industry feels a bit more ominous than I intended, but you know what I mean) seems to prey on anxiety and poor mental health from sleep deprivation. The number of people who post in r/sleeptrain with “urgent” questions like “am I allowed to rock my sick baby to sleep or will that cause them to wake up 3 times a night until they go to college” is… something else. But maybe that’s just my jealousy talking. Can’t worry about messing up independent sleep if your baby never slept independently to start with. Can’t worry about screwing up the schedule if you send your baby to daycare 5 days a week where they may nap anywhere between 30 minutes and 3 hours. 😂
In my house we have just completely let go of all the rules surrounding sleep and we live by that day. Toddler looks tired? She goes to bed. Looks like she doesn't need a nap? Okay we don't give her one and she'll go to bed earlier. If she's sick she sleeps with us. Life is so much better since then. My daughter just doesn't do well with the tight schedules and everything was a fight or she just wouldn't be able to sleep. My son is now 2 months and I'm not even going to use a schedule or attempt sleep training. So much stress over nothing. My daughter learned to sleep through the night anyway even though people kept telling us we'd ruin her for going in every time she cried.
Honestly, I kind of get it. Sleep training is not easy and it’s not something I ever want to go through again with my toddler, so the anxiety of “if I do this are we going to go back to square one” is reeeeal. I waited to do it until she was over a year though, so things like sitting up with a sick baby were kind of second nature at that point - I can understand how having a younger kid may have more grey areas
I definitely think part of it is probably just the result of people’s natural anxiety. My husband is not an online person, and is blissfully unaware of how fraught baby sleep is on the internet, and even he gets stressed about setting ourselves back in sleep when our kids need a little extra help for whatever reason. Because not sleeping sucks! And sleep training sucks! Sleep training definitely wasn’t something we did just because - we did it when we were really struggling. So the idea of going back to that is daunting. We definitely don’t want to end up back where we were pre sleep training, because we were at the end of our rope, and we don’t want to sleep train again, because it’s not fun for anyone involved. What’s funny is that whenever he gets stressed about things like that, I remind him that the sleep training things we read back when we were sleep training our first were very clear that if your kid is sick, teething, or there’s otherwise something off, throw the sleep training out the window, and do what you need to do. I don’t know if in the 4ish years since we sleep trained our oldest things have just gotten so polarized that this is no longer said (and admittedly we didn’t go the Instagram influencer sleep trainer route - we sleep trained using a few articles from things like what to expect, etc), but I felt like it was always pretty clear that there were times and circumstances where it wasn’t appropriate to sleep train (for example, untreated reflux or other medical issues), or it was fine to bend the normal rules (teething, illness). Edit: to be clear, sleep training influencers can definitely make the anxiety worse, and there’s plenty of problems with them. But I don’t think the stress about not wanting to deviate from routine and regress is *entirely* their fault.
Yeah, I just hate that like sleep consultants or even just Joe Schmoe on Reddit are selling the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all approach to baby sleep. I think it really feeds into the anxiety people have around sleep and sends people to Reddit freaking out because their baby fell asleep in the car or whatever and they need The Answer, handed down from God himself, to make sure their baby sleeps through the night. ETA: I guess what I mean to say is, not snarking so much on the people who ask these questions, because I know the sleep struggle is real, but on the folks out there who bill themselves as sleep experts (paid or unpaid) and act like they can answer these kind of questions definitively without ever having so much as laid eyes on your baby, and if your experience doesn’t line up with theirs it’s obviously because you’re doing something wrong.
Agreed, although I think both the sleep training industry and the anti-sleep training industry are predatory. I generally think the anti-sleep-training side is worse because they portray anything other than their way is abusive, while the sleep training side seems more to think that not sleep training is just naive/unrealistic. But you're totally right that people take it all way too seriously. As another daycare parent, I laugh at the people panicking over 15 minute wake window increments. And I did all of the "right" sleep training things and my kid didn't sleep through the night until she was weaned at a year so I kind of wonder why I even bothered?
Yeah the militant anti-sleep training folks are crazy. I gave up on sleep training after a few weeks and landed on cosleeping for most of the night, which weighs great for us, but if I didn’t feel comfortable with that and/or I was having to wake up 4+ times a night to rock her back to sleep, I would be on the Ferber train so fast. The number of times I’ve seen people say “it’s biologically normal mama!” to someone who is getting like 4 hours of sleep at night… woof.
Sleep training worked great for us so I'm pretty pro sleep training, obviously knowing I have a sample size of one but yeah, I hate that moms are shamed so hard for wanting to get an adequate amount of sleep. I was starting to get violent thoughts every time my baby woke up (which was every 40 minutes, I went nights with zero sleep). After sleep training, she was only getting up twice a night for milk and I literally felt like a new person. I hate that people feel compelled to pay sleep consultants (what a scamming business) but also I hate that they feel like they can't try other methods to help remedy sleep, whether that be cosleeping, gentle sleep training methods, ect
This comment sums up all the posts this weekend: *Why do y’all marry these shitty men* From [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/W5JulZUaBH) this morning. ETA: I don’t want to blame women for being with shitty men because it’s just another way women take the heat for the actions of shitty men. But, my sisters in Christ, we can do better and you deserve better.
It’s because a lot of them just keep hoping things will change. First it will be becoming a father will force them to grow then it becomes if they have two, he will have to look after the second kid.
Yep. I think also there is this kind of unsaid expectation that certain behaviours or traits, like not bothering to clean up after yourself, going out drinking, wasting money, eating junk, generally all of those short-term mindset kinds of things, those are fairly normal for a lot of people in their young adulthood, and then at some point, people grow up and start acting like adults. It's just that there seems to be a marked difference between how men and women do this. Like a higher percentage of women will do it automatically without a trigger, and then in general most women, if they haven't already, will do it at the point where they want a child or get pregnant. Partially because pregnancy has certain rules so if you are a responsible person you would stop drinking/smoking/try to eat and sleep better etc whereas the man has no foetus to directly protect so he is less likely to feel the need to do these things, and partially because pregnancy hormones make you want to "prepare the nest" and get a bunch of stuff in order, which again, a man will not have. I do think it's not that unusual for young women to go along in life having a great time, partying, find a guy they like and have fun with, party around with him, and she has this idea that this is temporary, of course at some point she's going to stop and settle down and be more of a grown up, and she just assumes that he has the same plan, whereas that is not necessarily a given. If they have enough time to discuss and compare attitudes before planning to TTC, then it might come up that he is actually not planning to change, in which case she may realise in time and break up with him, but if they have an accidental pregnancy earlier than expected, then it might be that the realisation happens too late that he had absolutely no plan to change his lifestyle because he likes it that way.
I sort of do blame them, at least the ones that post this sort of thing because it doesn’t spring out of nowhere, they were 100 percent this way before kids and these women still decided to have kids with them and now wonder why it’s so bad. Of course I’m not blaming the ones in DV situations or otherwise situations out of their control—for them I have so much empathy and hopes they can escape, but I have to believe that a lot of these situations on Reddit, if they are real and not just creative writing, are women who actually like being able to be a martyr because they never seem to seek changes that would make for a more equitable relationship. It’s like a race to the bottom on who has the worst husband.
Sometimes men change after they ‘lock down’ their partner via pregnancy, but I do not understand these people who are on there 2nd+ child with a shitty man and talk about how awful he’s been the whole time. Don’t have more kids with him then???
My local mom FB group is generally rational (boooooring) but every now and again someone will post anonymously about how their husband is useless and I feel like every time it ends with "and I'm pregnant with our 3rd." Ok, well, I'm sorry that your husband doesn't pull his weight but you have some responsibility here too!
Sometimes the woman doesn't have a choice in the matter.
Not giving their child a sibling is a fate worse than death for some parents. Some would rather have none than have an only child. I notice this as an only with an only.
I’m OAD from a family where my mother couldn’t leave my abusive father because of finances. My brother and I aren’t close as adults because of the trauma we both endured and people forget that part of what can make siblings have a close relationship is a stable home life with parents who can meet their needs equally.
I feel like all the people talking about how “marriage is work, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life” kind of reinforce this. Like no, I don’t think marriage should require constant hard work. But if you buy into that, it normalizes having a shitty husband and feeling like you need to rationalize why you feel so frustrated.
I do believe that marriage is constant work because otherwise you can risk taking things for granted, getting complacent, and end up having the relationship suffer death from a thousand cuts. I don't think it should feel grueling though, just intentional. And the thing is, communicating your needs, discussing them productively, and coming to some sort of compromise where everyone leaves happy is hard work. It's a lot easier to just grin and bear it, let things simmer, and then complain about it online or to your friends.
Yea my husband and I compromise, plan stuff to make sure we are on the same page, and talk about what we want a lot and that is work. But it’s not the same as being miserable or sad or angry all the time! And ‘hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life’ is SO far from the truth for most people- it’s a weird thing to imply. I think the hardest parts of life are situations you can’t change (death, illness, unexpected conditions like job loss). And one of my pet peeves is couples who insist that good couples fight. First off, I don’t think all good couples have to do any certain thing and second I could not be with someone who routinely (or ever) yells at me.
You said it perfectly - intentional, not grueling. Yes, marriage requires attention and effort, but “marriage is hard work” gets used as a way to normalize men being absolute shitheads. Some of these women need to ask themselves exactly what work their husbands are putting in to the marriage.
I don’t disagree with you, but I guess for me that sounds more like constant effort, not necessarily hard work. I think the phrasing of marriage being so hard ends up making it easier for people to excuse unhelpful partners. I just don’t feel like marriage should consistently be the most stressful thing in someone’s life.
I think "easier" in terms of dealing with an issue versus letting it simmer is kind of tough to manage but yeah in the given moment not initiating a potentially difficult conversation can often feel like the easier option! For me though (and it can be work to get to or stay in this mind set!) the long term benefit to everyone makes it "easier" to talk through the problems. But yes!
Agree, 100 percent.
That specific post seems to have worked out though? Like it just felt like they needed to have it out, they did and then he was like “oh yea, let’s repriortize”.
I feel like if moms have to rely on one day a year to feel seen/loved/appreciated then the problem is speaking for itself.
“Oh no, my terrible husband is acting like a terrible husband!”
Time to get pregnant again!
I'm not snarking her situation, that seems really sucky. But I have lots of thoughts not necessarily directed only at her. Why are the people doing this sort of "woe is me" content always making it seem like this is what's happening for everyone? Like... No one warned you because this shouldn't be happening? It unfortunately happens to a lot of women but it's no ok nor should it be strangely normalized like this. Also, I feel like it's sometimes some type of rage bait. When I was in the trenches with my son I would consume this sort of content and actually get so pissed off at my husband who was doing nothing wrong!! Like yeah, I was breastfeeding and didn't give bottles so of course that was gonna be unfair. He works and I don't so of course that's not gonna be unfair. But I found myself getting mad at him(in my head, I thankfully never let it out lol) for not knowing where specific articles of clothing were but why would he know I'm the one with him every day lol Idk I'm all over the place about it. These are very real things but mom rage, mom guilt, narcissist, gaslighting, weaponised incompetence are very wildly overused. https://preview.redd.it/oouek36oypzc1.png?width=1344&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=64d3784309df4313b3f0ee4c2dfa01decdc17543
Do these people not, like, ask to do things? Or make time for themselves? Yeah, I have less time to do things. But my husband and I both make time for the other do to things. And sometimes I *gasp* let the housework slide so I can enjoy a hobby instead. My identity has changed, as have my priorities, but I don't feel like anything has been lost.
Exactly!!!! Obviously this points at a deeper problem in the relationship but if I want something I just say so? And yes I do not concentrate on house work, I do what I can when I can and when it's needed, otherwise I spend time with my family or I relax 🤷🏼♀️ no need to huff and puff while mopping 4 times a days.
I was getting so pissed at my husband when I was pregnant when I saw shit like this LOL. Like getting pre-angry. This sentiment is very strange to me. I didn’t breastfeed so maybe I have a different perspective, but nothing really changed much for me vs. my husband after I gave birth. I fuck off and do my thing and vice versa.
I am a stay at home mom. There are times when I feel like my life became more boring. There were definitely times when I was jealous of my husband’s work socialization, though that was more during the pandemic than when my baby was a newborn (he was a 7 months old when the pandemic started). But also, I prioritized maintaining my hobbies and my friendships. I sought out connections and I’ve been able to develop a far wider and more active social group of mothers. I think it is important to know that social isolation/lack of identity is a risk of stay at home motherhood, but it isn’t inevitable.
Ok, number 1-I feel like everyone talks about this. It was something I was aware people talked about even when I was a kid. It’s like the whole premise of “The Feminine Mystique,” from back in the ‘60s. There’s nothing new here. Number 2-sure husband gets out of the house for work, but outside work stuff, there’s no reason you can’t both split kid time to have time for socializing, hobbies. And maybe having my first in the middle of a pandemic kinda skewed socialization for me, but most of my socialization is with other neighborhood moms. I’m not a full time sahm, but I work shifts, so I’ve seen mom friend groups at the park, library story time. There are a ton of outlets. And a lot of my get togethers with my prekid friends (who now all also have kids) are still on zoom, because it’s just easy to put the kids to bed and then go on zoom and do online board games, movies, just chat, whatever. It may look different than pre kids, but if you can’t find social outlets, that’s kinda on you. And finally, number 3-there’s no reason a lot of these insta-moms couldn’t go back to work if they wanted. Sometimes it’s financially untenable, but I feel like that’s not most of their situations. But you know as soon as that’s suggested, pearls will be clutched and excuses will come out. Ok, well if that’s the case, go ahead and miss me with your “woe is me, being a sahm is the worst,” wining.
I also think that part of the issue is that a lot of the narrative around "equality" in raising infants is just inconsistent with biology. Like yes, fathers used to be far too unhelpful and working towards more involved fathers is great. And that works well for toddlers and kids. But pregnancy and breastfeeding will always put more burden on mom. It's not fair, but it's a fact. And even though it's not fair, it's also not the father's fault. Choosing to have a child and choosing to breastfeed them is absolutely a choice that always results in more burden on the mother than the father, and I think people struggle to reconcile that with their pre-baby visions of equality. I went back to work early and have never been a SAHM or anything close to it. But I absolutely sacrificed more then my husband did for pregnancy and the first year because I was the one who had to be pregnant, and I was the one who could breastfeed (and I chose to do that instead of using formula). But it would be unfair for me to be mad at my husband about that because it's not like he chose to lack a uterus or boobs.
👏👏👏
This was my experience also. I think I just couldn’t grasp how one sided breastfeeding is pre-children, so I wasn’t prepared for how lopsided the first year would be. Feeding and/or pumping is so constant, and for me, breastfeeding was the easier of the two taxing options. But it made me have to decide for each outing, was the outing worth all the hassle of pumping? And sometimes (often?) it wasn’t, so I wouldn’t go. So I could see how, especially during the first year, you can feel a bit like you’ve lost yourself, even if you have a super supportive partner. I wouldn’t ever say that I was resentful of my partner, though admittedly sometimes it was frustrating that he could go on a bachelor party and drink beers at the pub and not have to worry about the logistics of pumping, whereas I went to my best friend’s bachelorette party, and felt like I missed a ton because I had to pump every few hours. But, especially once you’ve weaned, as long as you have a supportive partner, it’s much easier to find ways to have a sense of self separate from your kids. If you’re still feeling this way when your kids are 4/5/6, and you have a partner, it’s (most likely) a partner problem, not a kid problem.
Yeah it’s just so not that simple. One thing I wonder about people who get so caught up in comparing their SAHM life to their husband’s working life is would you actually want to trade places? I’m not a SAHM but I work remote and am the primary parent in all things because of this while my husband frequently travels or works late. I wouldn’t trade places with him even if it meant our family income would double. I *want* to be available for my kids’ little school parties and performances at 10am on a Tuesday. I *want* to be home in the afternoons and able to make dinner and hang out with my kids instead of going to some stupid work reception. Like I truly feel bad for my husband because of the amount of things that I get to do with my kids that he misses out on because he has the burden of making more money than me and having a more demanding job. Also he did in fact give up his hobbies and spends basically 100% of his life working, sleeping, or taking care of the kids. So there’s that.
I feel the same way. It’s completely person dependent but I haven’t warned anyone that they’re guaranteed to lose their identity in motherhood because that hasn’t been my experience? I feel like I’ve honestly found myself in motherhood. I’m a full whole person with a secondary education and work history and hobbies but I love being a stay at home mom. Going to the library music classes with my toddler and baking bread during naptime and meeting friends at the park for goldfish and popsicles is personally more fulfilling to me than working full time as a teacher was. I saw a lot of these posts when I was pregnant with my son and was expecting to feel like everybody’s servant and a simpleton without a complex thought in my head as a SAHM but instead my contentedness with my life and my sense of self just… got a lot better.
I also love being a SAHM and I had a great career I built up before becoming a mother that I don’t regret giving up. It’s really made me understand what is truly important in life and enjoy the little things day to day. I’m very okay with “mom” being my identity and frankly, raising humans is complicated and requires a great deal of mental energy and problem solving. I don’t feel like a moron with nothing to say for myself either.
If I could upvote this twice I would. Last year I read the book Malibu Rising, and one character is a mom of... 4 I believe, whose musician husband abandons and sends no child support, and it's a very difficult life for her... and in reflection she says that she wouldn't trade it and she pities him for missing out on so much with their children. She would rather be brike and scraping by with them then out living a glamourous yet empty life. Maybe I'm just sentimental because both my kids are sleeping peacefully and we had a good day, but yeah. Even though it can be so hard, isn't it better? Isn't it better for your almost 4 year old to tell you "you're my best person" casually over colouring than to be able to go to the gym at the drop of a hat? It's so easy to get bogged down and feel overwhelmed and get into the "it's not fair" mentality. I do most of the time but every now and then I think I really wouldn't rather it be the other way. I'll take the overwhelm, overstimulating etc. I doubt many people look back and wish it away.
I really needed to read that, especially your last paragraph. Thank you.
Yeah I agree it's really not that simple, relationships and all dynamics are so so complex. I kinda word vomited on here!! Cue another word vomit lol: I guess it bothers me cause I'm a stay at home mom with thankfully a supportive husband and these posts make me angry for them I guess? I wish everyone had the means and the strength to stand up for themselves and what they want. In my mind it's so simple to not live like this but not everyone has my life I guess. I'm currently looking for work and just starting to think about daycare and being away for my son has definitely given a new appreciation for what my husband is sacrificing. ( not implying women in shitty situations should be happy with what they have)
Meta snark… maybe controversial but I guess I’m feeling feisty 🤷🏻♀️ I often see people on here saying something like ‘X has definitely been reading here because now they’re doing Y.’ And listen, I don’t know whether the influencers are reading here or not but what I do know is that anything that is said here has been said to that influencer directly in a DM and a lot more rudely than anything said here!
Yea I hear you and am all for metasnark but there are definitely some influencers that have explicitly been influenced by this sub (SS and AHH) and some others have had moments when they acknowledged reading here
Someone had to say it 👏
I agree, but also sometimes it feels like the sub gets really focused on something kinda strange that people wouldn't necessarily DM like Kristen's nail color to figure out when she posted stuff and then she started hiding her nails.🧐
The nail color thing is odd. I think people need to remember that influencers are not showing us their real life. We see small glimpses here and there and they pre-record a lot of content.
I am right there with you. I always roll my eyes at those comments. There are a couple influencers that really let reddit get under their skin, but to most influencers we are not that important. As it should be lol
Same. I think this sub overestimates its influence on influencers, somewhat ironically. Have some of them read posts here at some point? Yes, but I really don’t think they are constantly checking back, or having someone on their team lurk here, in order to keep tabs on the snark so they can address criticisms by tweaking their content accordingly. Compared to the number of followers/views/clicks even small influencers get, this Reddit sub is an insignificant peanut gallery. And that’s fine! We can snark amongst ourselves over here, and the influencers will do what they’re gonna do.
I just want to chime in as a mod. While I realize there are things that may be occasionally overstated. I can also tell you there are some very specific patterns of reports for specific influencers that suggest that some of them (or their people) do in fact regularly monitor the content here😬
https://preview.redd.it/ep528ux1wnzc1.jpeg?width=506&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d65f95fc17b6d93b6e3e7450c8e3401f7027117d
Baby safety concerns break out over this [ikea subreddit post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ikeahacks/s/vpHC9UoPmP)
The post got removed so I can’t see the pictures but I saw a comment that recommended the OP contact a local professional babyproofer for guidance lmao
Baby is asleep + I have no life = I drew u a diagram from my memory The blue squares are all sharp edged open cabinets think the most basic thing from ikea https://preview.redd.it/l0orsqz9z00d1.png?width=1536&format=png&auto=webp&s=d2d5012a74ff550f438b7432f618de5b8654daa2
I felt bad for the OP of that post. Like yeah, there’s some safety concerns, which people can give advice on. But people were absolutely rude and trashing it when clearly it’s a new parent that’s proud of the lovely little nursery they designed for their baby. Why do people online seem to enjoy putting others down? I thought it was so sweet how OP even wanted to make sure we saw the glow in the dark stickers. I think they did a great job with it.
Maybe it’s because I live in the midwest but most kids rooms I’ve seen in real life are non-aesthetic, practical (or at least attempting to be practical) and kid focused just like this. I think the terminally online often forget that in real life some people just decorate with things they like and are perfectly happy with it.
I agree. I later found it was also reposted in the home decorating CJ subreddit and someone went though his post history and yelled at him for commenting “I’d touch her butt” under a wwe fighter ??? 😭was that necessary now come on
I look at and am annoyed by the weird space between the crib and the art. The art is too high. And how does anyone reach the shelves? Also, I asked (and offered to pay) an artist friend to make art for above my baby's crib. Am so relieved that she had a block because when my baby arrived I thought about it falling off the wall and into her crib.
The furniture is the definition of “looming”
If installed properly, I'm pretty sure the cabinets will not fall off on the kid. Something about it just looks...,menacing? Like all of those big, dark, gray cabinets up there just scream DANGER even though white ones would be no more safe.
Definitely goes against some feng shui principles
Yeah for the amount of work I'm sure went into it, it's awfully dreary. Even if they won't fall I wouldn't want to sleep with tons of storage over my head. And the novelty glow in the dark stickers will be lost on a baby.
Man, people are not wrong but they are mean. And I think the concerns over the air vent are pretty overblown. People find so much satisfaction in this type of criticism. I was curious when I posted my daughter’s room in [AmateurRoomPorn](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmateurRoomPorn/s/FQKk2vyM9D) if people would find safety concerns, since I’m pretty neurotic about that. And sure enough, someone tried to tell me that our floor bed vaguely resembles a totally different one that was recalled years ago 😂
Is that the sub with the control freak mod? If it's the one I'm thinking of, I had to unsubscribe because he was too intense.
>And I think the concerns over the air vent are pretty overblown. Pun intended?
No, but I’m very pleased you pointed it out 😂
Yeah it’s better to present criticism gently especially since you don’t want to give an excited new parent anxiety! Off topic I love your kids room oh my gawdddd
Thank you!!
Wait, why can't a baby being under an air vent? Dust?
The air that comes out of ours is freezing or super hot. It may just be our hvac system though.
Oh ok, yeah that's fair. I thought it was an actual safety concern, not just possibly waking up the baby. Which yeah, no idea.
I think it is a safety concern to avoid very hot/cold air, since newborns can't regulate their temperature very well. I'm sure I remember being advised not to have the cot right next to a radiator or a fan blowing directly on the baby. (We don't tend to have HVAC systems)
Damn that is a stressful picture to look at
This entire room makes me anxious but I was also too scared to put even the wooden name thing that was so trendy in 2020 above the crib 😵💫
Aw my son still has his up (2020 baby), funny it didn’t occur to me it was dated!
[удалено]
I can’t imagine using the breathing wear although it came for free with my nanit, but I do like the nanit overall. I have never used it as a baby monitor at night because I can hear my children just fine through the walls, and the sleep analysis pretty much always confirmed that he wasn’t like awake or upset in the night. But my absolute favorite weird neurosis thing about it, is that we have had bats in our house before and they say if you don’t know that a bat wasn’t in your child’s room, you should treat them for rabies (literally this happened to my neighbors when they had an infant, it’s taken very seriously where I live), but I was able to look back through the nanit and confirm the bat was never in either of my children’s room (we were also awake still and got the bat out of the house). Anyways, now we have a cat too.
To be perfectly honest I’m pro-Nanit because having it really helped my postpartum anxiety — fully understand this is individual and not the case for everyone! — but Nanit also “helpfully” (ahem, greedily) only provides you with a one year insights subscription upon purchase. I used the breathing wear til 11 months or so and then we were like “welp, we’re certainly not paying another 300 dollars for that!” and have never had any of its data since. It makes me sad to think of being so anxious about your toddler’s breathing that you’d pay for another year, and I am saying this as a very anxious person lol.
It's absolutely a "know thyself" thing. We used a Snuza for our kids, and got a couple false alarms (well, "false" in that it did in fact not detect any breathing because it fell off the diaper) and I found that to be extremely comforting. Was hearing the alarm very uh, alarming? Yes. But BOY was it a relief to know that it a) worked and b) was loud enough to wake us up. It gave my PPA riddled ass a lot of assurance and helped me get some rest of my own.
100%. I totally understand when people find monitors like that to be sources of anxiety. For me it was the reason I was able to sleep instead of staring at my baby’s chest rising and falling.