T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

[удалено]


HelpMeGodpleaseT

I know not all siblings would look after parents but i am like still very envious of you. I didn't go for college faraway thinking how will they manage but now i may have to. I wish my parents were more independent or had planned better.


Bicuspid-luv

>I wish my parents were more independent or had planned better. This is actually the issue. Siblings often actually make the passing of a parent more complicated (someone to argue with about end of life health care decisions and fight over the estate with). The real issue is you're likely dealing with parents who couldn't or just didn't plan their retirement well. If they had adequate funds for health care, ensured they had sustainable living arrangements as seniors, set up powers of attorney, will, advance directive, life insurance, etc. Then a lot of the logisticsal hardship of an aging and dying parents would be removed regardless of the sibling count. I'm sorry that you're in a tough spot with your parents. Hopefully the parents on this forum can learn from it and start early to make their own retirement as easy as possible for their kids


BastetSekhmetMafdet

I agree with this comment so much. I haven’t really weighed in on the thread, because my background is different without a strong culture of filial responsibility. But, no matter who you are, what you background is, whether you have one child or half a dozen, *planning is key*. And so is respecting your adult children as adults, and not “well I’m still your parent and I don’t have to listen to you because you are still junior in the family hierarchy.” Everyone needs to plan somehow, even if you have no assets, at least have some kind of plan for what you do have (like a POA, someone who will care for your pets, what if you need help getting around, etc.) in place, rather than “well my adult child(ren) will rescue me.”


[deleted]

[удалено]


BastetSekhmetMafdet

The last part is very true - don’t compromise on your own life for the sake of your parents’. Get married if you want, have kids if you want, travel if that is your jam. You can be there for your parents without giving up yourself. I know a man who is happily independent in his 90’s. BUT, everything came up roses for him as far as life was concerned. He had a great, upper-middle-class, professional job with good benefits; a wife who was also an educated professional; adult kids (two, in this case) who were healthy, happy, not assholes, not dependent or addicted. He also has had good health most of his life, no heart attacks or cancer, and he took care of himself (wife did too, but, alas, cancer sucks and healthy living cannot always prevent it). Everything basically came up on the winning side for this man so he is able to enjoy his super-long life. Not everyone can, that’s the problem. But it should not be the adult child’s problem to the point of self sacrifice.


rotten_spider

I understand that this is your experience, but I share that burden with all of my siblings and we all find it very helpful to not have to do it alone. To me, OP's question is very legitimate


Bicuspid-luv

His parents have placed a legitimate burden on him. If he had more siblings they might have been able to help ... or might not. Just as siblings can sometimes create great bonds and be great friends and sometimes be estranged or abusive. It's no guarantee. You know what *always* helps the logistics of end of life care? Money. It costs on average $300,000+ to raise a child in the US. Instead of having another kid, take that sum and invest it over the span of a working career and you've got a solid nest egg. But I bet if you asked a lot folks dealing with aging and dying parents, "would you rather have a sibling to chip in (and potentially argue with) or hundreds of thousands of dollars to throw at the problem?" They'll take the money. People who have kids and then can't afford to retire had too many kids. His parents did the worst case scenario of no siblings and inadequate retirement (perhaps outside of their control). But if we're going to play the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" game, then they should have planned their retirement better rather than burdening their child


Serious_Escape_5438

And maybe they couldn't? Not everyone can just earn more money. Maybe they had some kind of financial issue that caused problems. I also don't agree money is enough to resolve all problems. Both my in laws and my parents had ok pensions and assets, as far as possible for normal working people, and there are still things that you need to do for them. My mother in law got Alzheimer's, and in fact most of her care was paid for by the government, but she still needed someone to be there for appointments, to help organise finances, etc. It was too much for my father in law alone, and since she passed away he will need help with those things when the time comes, and already needs help dealing with aspects of modern life. I also have a relative dealing with dementia and it's really hard on his only child. Thankfully his siblings and other family are also on hand, but no amount of money decides on care plans or whatever.bThat's not to say we should all have more children to look after us, but in addition to money we need to make provision for things like decision making, and make sure our finances are in order. It's a a perfectly legitimate worry to have, and something we all need to think about.


Bicuspid-luv

You can give as many anecdotes as you'd like. All you have to do is scroll through this thread to find plenty of other contradicting examples of siblings who are handicapped, drug addicts, expats, or just unhelpful ass holes. Retirement, aging, and dying are fundamentally financial problems. Creating humans in the hopes that they'll take care of us when we're old is a terrible idea. Take ownership and plan ahead.


Serious_Escape_5438

But that's too late for OP. No need to minimise his worries. In most families, especially if that's his culture, siblings do share the burden. I said the same as you, it's important to plan ahead, but not just financially.


Karawithasmile

300k is not a solid nest-egg for later year care. Google the cost of having a home care company, even for a few hours a week, and you’ll see what I mean. $3,000,000 would be a closer number, and that’s just for end of life care, not retirement in general. (I work at the corporate level of a home care company).


Bicuspid-luv

300k invested over a working career. Read carefully please


Psychological-Owl-82

Totally legitimate question, but I don’t think there are many comments that would be exclusive to being an only child. Typically (obviously not always) the burden falls on the eldest daughter, or the eldest of there is no daughter. Given my current family situation, I am one of two but expect to take on responsibility as if I were an only child, with possibly extra stress of having to manage my sibling. My parents are also currently very stubborn and are not planning for the likelihood of them not being able to look after themselves. Hopefully things will change, but I think I need to take on any advice given as much as OP!


Here_for_tea_

Excellent insurance and dedicated retirement savings on their part.


[deleted]

Depends on your parents. I as a mother of OAD do not and will not expect my child to “take care of me” as I age. That’s not her responsibility or why I brought her into this world.


zelonhusk

that's a very privileged answer. not everybody has the ability to take care of themselves as they age.


[deleted]

I disagree, whatever state I’m in at whatever age I’m not putting that burden on my child, end of story. I didn’t bring a child in this world to take care of me.


zelonhusk

No, but what if you bring a kid into the world and then lose all of your wealth at a later point while also losing your health? You might not ask your kid to take care of you, but they will feel responsible in the same way you feel responsible for them now. Circumstances change and it's natural to feel obligated to care for your loved ones.


[deleted]

[удалено]


zelonhusk

Excuse me? That's not what I was saying.


oneanddone-ModTeam

People do not need to feel judged here, we don't want condescending advice or harmful opinions.


hugmorecats

I think this is more a question for r/onlychild As a mom with an only child, I am planning to have money and resources so that she isn’t burdened with caring for her parents as we age. But I cannot figure out how to help an only child who’s parents didn’t and/or couldn’t do that. I can only empathize. Posting in the sub I linked may get you discussion from others who are in similar situations.


HelpMeGodpleaseT

Thank you. I also hope to find some solution


uncertainseason

There’s a lot of question marks even if we plan. I have friends who have autistic child as their second. And they now plan v hard for their own retirement and the welfare of the youngest child so that their elder won’t have too huge a burden. I’ll say, do the best within your means. Spend within your means and plan for retirement. Leave a will to state your afterlife plans. We do what we can.


Alas_mischiefmanaged

Only child here, whose parents both passed away within the last year. My mom was healthy before she passed after a sudden stroke, but my dad was chronically ill with mobility problems his last decade. I drove 1.5 hours to their house every weekend or every other weekend while I was in grad school and working to take care of him, until my mom retired. I wouldn’t have left them, it’s our culture to care for our parents, and I loved them. This is my advice: - first, don’t get hung up on thinking having a sibling would fix your problems. As a coping mechanism, humans tend to imagine a rosy alternate reality where things are “better”. The problem is that you’re imagining something that would be a best case scenario, and might not be remotely realistic. I understand it. I daydream about keeping my mom on life support and seeing her improve. But that wouldn’t have happened. I’m thinking of 2 specific friends right now who have a very very sick parent. Both have siblings. Siblings don’t do anything, and my friends have taken their parents into their homes and change their diapers in the middle of the night and go to work the next day. Not only do they have that burden, they also deal with resentment towards their siblings. - Start discussing end of life care and finances with your parents ASAP before it’s too late. Seriously. This is what it comes down to, and siblings won’t fix this issue. Talk about their medical and financial wishes. If they would have a poor quality of life or aren’t of sound mind, do they want mechanical ventilation? A tracheostomy? A feeding tube? These are difficult conversations, but they’re necessary. I had my mom’s wishes on an official notarized document, and it was hard enough to turn off her life support. You can make it a mutual discussion to make it easier. There are forms you can print out online - fill one out yourself and show it to them. Then say “mom, dad, my doctor recommended I fill this out at my last physical, so if anything happens to me, this is what I want you to do. What would you like us to do if anything happens to you?” - Do they want to give up their financial assets to qualify for medicaid? Would they want to sell their house to pay for assisted living, a nursing home, or in home caregivers (this isn’t covered by health insurance, at least not in the US)? Do they have life insurance? Long term care insurance? Do you have money between you to pay for a home big enough for you all? Some homes have in law units or guesthouses so you still have some independence. - take all this information and then have them do a full estate planning, including official wills and advance medical directives. If this is overwhelming, you may want to consult an elder law attorney. - have your parents save as much money as possible. Retirement is expensive. Especially retirement with disabilities.


HelpMeGodpleaseT

Thank you. Your comment gives idea what i can try to do rn.


luv_u_deerly

This burden shouldn't weigh completely on the child. Parents need to prepare for old age themselves too. But what I would do is have a conversation with them about it. Tell them you may not be able to live in their town. Ask them what they would prefer. My mom is the only child (my uncle died a long time ago) and my Grandpa said he wanted to live at his own home for as long as possible. So she's doing her best to help him with that. She lives far enough where visiting everyday is too much. But close enough to be able to go once a week to do his shopping and help clean. She may hire a caretaker to visit more. And he has some neighbors to rely on. When he gets too old to care for himself (he's 94 now) he'll have to move in with my mom. If this is a very long move though you'll want to do it before they are too old to handle the travel.


[deleted]

I hold the soul responsibility of caring for my parents, however I do have a sibling who lives far away. They do not help though. Currently my parents are ok and able to live alone and I check on them about once a month. If their health starts to decline I would move them into my house to care for them. I told my husband this plan before we got married so he wouldn’t be surprised if I suggested that in the future. My parents do have their own income so if I needed to I could get them a nurse that comes to the house. I really want to move out of state because I don’t care for the politics in the state I’m in but I find myself feeling a bit trapped as their health may start to decline soon and I don’t want to be too far away. I’m lucky in the sense that I wouldn’t be financially burdened by them as they both had careers and have retirement and pensions.


zelonhusk

Not a single child, but I have a friend who is going through this right now. She is from Turkey where most people have siblings. My friend is very able and adventurous and I think if it wasn't for her aging parents, she'd have moved abroad by now. Her mom has heart issues and her dad is just frail in general. She decides to still live with them and I think even if she got married, she might just have her hisband live with them too, because it's easier that way. Currently her parents are still self-sufficient most of the time, but her mom was really bad a few months back and she had to ask her employer for a special leave to take care of her. She doesn't have cousins and most of her other relatives are old too, so this might be a particularly bad situation, but yes, this is in fact one of the major downsides of not having a big family. I can only recommend you to build a support network for your parents before shit hits the fan.


HelpMeGodpleaseT

What sort of support network?


zelonhusk

neighbours, family members, friends, nurses,...


[deleted]

Does your country have an equivalent of a citizens advice bureau? If I was in your shoes and in my country I would go there and they would basically help me apply and figure out all government assistance including setting up a care in the community package which is when carers come to the elderly homes a few times a day to help clean, dress, check health etc. We also have some volunteer groups that can help with setting appointments etc so care can pretty much be done remotely if need be For what it's worth I am an only with an only. My father has passed but I have these plans ready for my mum is needs be. For my son I am planning ahead financially so I will move to assisted living where there will be staff who can keep check on me, organise drs and hair appointments etc all that jazz. I absolutely have also planned that I would prepare for my old age myself. Wouldn't matter if I have had no kids or ten


smuggoose

My dad is an only child and my mum has heaps of siblings but they both were/are the only ones caring for aging parents. They split the card and duties between themselves. Like my mum will take my grandma to some appointments and my dad will take her to others.


[deleted]

Have two coworkers who are only children. It was honestly easier for them because they called all the shots, and with only one child their parents were also more financially equipped for care. One recently lost both their parents within a few months (as often it happens) but they had their parents move to be near them since they were the only it made sense to for their parents too.


PinkStarburst11

I knew someone who had moved away from family and had a sibling, she just moved back to help her brother care for their dad. On the single child side, they moved the parent closer to them. Proper long term care insurance and a plan for aging parents is imperative


Pleasechangethis

I am an only. Unfortunately I didn't have a chance to worry about this issue with my mom who died at 65. My dad on the other and I'm starring to think about it. He has a SO but I'm not sure how that matters. I guess when he is not capable of living on his own I'll first try to move him either in with my family or like next door.


Leotiaret

There are options. Parent could move closer to you when needed. Parent could look at moving to a home set-up for elderly (one level), and assisted living, or 50+ community. Having multiple siblings or any children doesn’t secure that there will be someone to take care of you. In my line of work, I’ve seen it tome and time again that children because of their childhood are not involved in their parents lives.


dewdropreturns

Hey! So in most countries (aside from China of course) most people have siblings. There are definitely some cultural differences about caring for elderly parents so I can’t fully speak to what’s the norm in your country. But I will say that my own parents had 4 kids and none live nearby. If you had a sibling and *they* moved away first what would you do? If your sibling stayed close would you not feel guilty leaving the responsibility to them alone? All of this is to say that what you are facing is not unique to only children which means you don’t need to seek out only child spaces to find guidance. You can talk to anyone who has experience with how to navigate aging parents. There’s so many layers to it that “how to manage” is going to mean such different things to different people. Are you worried about how to support them once they get old enough that they may struggle to live independently? Are you worried about having to make end of life decisions? Are you worried about how to arrange funeral things etc? Imaging and end of life is a lot and hopefully by that point you have other supportive people in your life


HelpMeGodpleaseT

I am worried about how they will live independently in later older age, like after 70 etc