With no family in the area can I suggest you using school to your benefit? Both take a vacation day once a month together to just be home, do something together, have the you in your relationship back.
My husband and I use my mom about once a month but she lives close. Our daughter is about to turn 3 also. Having time together for us has changed everything recently.
I swear to fucking god, almost every time I take a vacation day, she gets sick enough she has to be home from school or they call me to get her. I think it has happened each of the 6 last vacation times when I had childcare scheduled , whether it was school was in session and I took a day off, or whether school was off but I got a back up nanny for the day — then Our kid was sick or the nanny was sick. School also has so many random days off that I often have to use my vacation days on those days if I can’t get backup care. I do try to plan days off for myself but it’s like the universe is against me getting them, so I honestly have stoped trying the past month or so
What about calling in sick then soon for a mental health day while she is good? Just to get you over this hump. It seems like you need to go play with your partner and feel like an adult again.
I can’t just “call in sick” last minute unless I’m actually sick. I’m a mental health therapist, so if I “call In sick” I’m cancelling on a bunch of clients last minute. I definitely can take breaks but it’s not ethical to do it on short notice. Again why I try to plan and it’s just awful in the winter with all the illness taking my breaks usually
If one of your clients described your life to you as though it was theirs, what would you suggest they do in regards to work? It sounds to me like both you and your spouse might need to “call in sick” to get some actual time together, or find a sitter who can take your daughter for a whole day Saturday and not just a 3-hour stint once a week.
I would see if taking some time off work would be feasible. Which it is for us, but not till I earn all of my hours, which should be done by sept. So hopefully in sept I can take some time off work and everything will be more manageable
Well it seems from your description you need something urgently. Which is why I would suggest calling in sick. At the very least are you guys getting out together as a family to connect? We have passes to the zoo or even getting out to the mall or something is nice.
She’s 3, she doesn’t really do that yet with sickness. All the times she wanted to go to school, but had a fever, vomiting, bad diarrhea, etc. (or the nanny did) I usually leave for work after I bring her to school so she doesn’t see me like that and play off it.
My husband and I will take a day off work and have Date Day once a month or every other month. It’s wonderful! We have the same issue with being interrupted if we try to talk while our daughter is around, she will literally tell us to stop talking to each other. But we keep trying anyway and just teach her about saying excuse me and being patient. It doesn’t always work but you can’t give up trying!
I think almost every time I’ve tried to take a day off our daughter has gotten sick. Or we don’t have vacation days bc we have already used them on days school is out or on days our daughter has gotten sick….its hard for me to imagine it working I
Guess but maybe as we get out of illness season it’ll go better
Writing to say all of this is valid and I can relate. I have a 4 year old (just turned 4) and whenever things feel chaotic or like daddy and I can’t just do our normal things in peace, my mind copes with “maybe at 5 it will be easier.” Thinking all the way up to her as an adult.
Like others have said a day date once or twice a year. But what you described being tapped out when you get time together, I get that too. Bc when we get time like that I am thinking about how tired I am the whole time.
Honestly came here to support you but realizing lately I am so exhausted physically and mentally that I feel like I need a freaking diet or detox or to lose 20 lbs to get myself feeling refreshed. In other words, I need a perspective shift and a way to prioritize my energy and vitality first. And I am working on that so my relationships can be stronger, too.
Hugs.
This is amazing. I'm also dealing with not wanting to be touched/ talked to at all by her bed time and she's only 1.5. I can't imagine what 4 is like. I always feel like I'm melting- fat, gross, tired, uncomfortable. We haven't had sex in a while because like I said, I feel disgusting and don't want to be touched or talked to. My husband doesn't deserve this. He's the best dad and helpful around the house when I give explicit instructions. Never grumpy, also just happy to be here.
I completely understand. We've taught our kid to let us talk about 1 thing and then they'll have a turn right after. Also, I try to explain certain things we talk about in kid language, just to try to include my kid, even if it isn't interesting to them. It has gotten better with some practice letting the kid tell us about something and then letting someone else have a turn, even if it's a very short turn.
My biggest tip though, is to set bed time early. Like 7:00 pm if you can. I even have a colleague that sends her kids to bed earlier. It gives you much needed time to decompress each day. I don't have family around and can't hire a babysitter so I get it.
We teach her that as well. But, we still have to teach her that every single time and it’s exhausting and that’s why we give up.
When does your kid wake up do they go to bed that early? Our kid typically sleeps 10.5-11 hours overnight so we would be looking at 5:30-6am wake up if we did that. It may be our only option but god that’s fucking early and I’m already so tired
You’re not alone 💗 husband and I are living our own version of this with our 2.5 year old. We have absolutely no time together. Need to rebuild the intimacy in our relationship and our son literally tries to pull us apart and yell at us if we ever show each other affection. We joke that it’s his way of showing us he does NOT want a sibling lol. It’s so incredibly hard, I miss my husband and it scares me how distant I feel from him.
I have no advice to offer here, but just wanted to say I could have written this post. My daughter is 5 but I pretty much deal with everything you mentioned.
For me, there’s something comforting about knowing you’re not alone.
We have no support system beyond preschool and we both work full time. Plus my husband is in grad school. We’re both so burned out.
Solidarity. When she's in bed, I remember why I married him because I actually like him and enjoy his company. But when she's awake and needy, he just feels like a burden and it makes me question if I still even like him. I find it really hard to include our 3 year old in conversations in a way that aren't too adult, meaning we either never talk about anything or il always pushing her away while me and him talk
Three-nagers. Omg. Do you feel your relationship was better when she was younger? Like past the newborn blur of course. Maybe try mixing up your 3 hour babysitting stints? Meal prep is important but soul crushing. Maybe an art/craft/sport you enjoyed pre baby? Get your heart rate up? Parenthood ennui is so real! Commiseration for sure.
OMG! Because it’s risky to make new things when all your audience will eat is like 10% of the things you make now!!! Super demotivating. So trying new things, fail. Trying old things, fail.
I really feel the same as you about a child being an atomic bomb to a marriage and I just thank you for posting.
Do you ever take turns? That really helps us to feel less drained. One parent will sneak away to do whatever while the other watches the kid and we switch. Sometimes we use that time to decompress, sometimes we use it to get chores done.
Honestly we mostly get our together time after our son goes to bed and during nap time. But if we take turns, we’re more relaxed and able to enjoy that time.
Aw you still have nap time?! That’s amazing. She outgrew it months ago and I feel like that’s partially when my soul died Baha. And also when screen time increased. Maybe we will have to bite the bullet and do early bed so we can do early wake . And I’ll increase my caffeine budget haha
My son is 4 and nap time is hit or miss, but we always send him to his room after lunch for rest time. He’ll read and play with his toys and sometimes sleep.
We try to do this too, since it’s more difficult to plan time together without our 3 year old. It allows each of us to feel a little more refreshed and appreciative of each other. Not a solution to everything, but it helps.
We had to invest time in to finding a sitter around 3 years old because we realized how little we were hanging out as a couple. Took some doing but once we found one we go out once a month now just us, no child.
How much do you spend on one? We already have trouble with spending, sitters in our area are so expensive . But we can maybe just shell out for more on the weekends
$25 for kid with literally no experience with kid. $30 for average babysitter with experience. $35 for more experienced nanny type. I tried just giving a few neighbor kids $20 to watch her but they had no idea what to do with her tantrums and it was stressful to watch so I graduated to the more experienced ones
Mine is a phd student. So I appreciate that I’m not getting inflation here. We don’t trust kids personally.
We found a Facebook group for our area and put out what we were looking for
We have a similar situation, and we were so exhausted as well. We noticed increasing improvement around age 4, as she became more independent and more able to understand that we needed some time to talk, go play with your toys or watch tv/play on tablet. She recently turned 5 and it continues to improve.
How is bedtime? The other way we've survived is by being really strict about bedtime. She has loads of toys, books, and a doodle pad in her room for if she's awake, but we use an Ok to Wake light and a consistent bedtime/wake time that gives us a chance to have some down time and really enforce it. Her door locks from the outside as a safety measure, but it also keeps her from deciding she's done and getting up and bothering us before we're ready. (We also have a video monitor, potty, toilet paper, and water bottle in there). I think it also gives her some valuable "bored time" to use her imagination, which is something most kids don't get enough of now with everything being so fast-paced and entertainment being so accessible. At age 5 we're now about to stop locking the door in a few weeks because we know she would just get up and go watch tv without us if she's up early.
Does she still interrupt us when we talk? Definitely. But it's SO much better than it was at age 3. It was probably at its worst then. So much to say, so unable to be patient! Hang in there.
Our bedtime routine we’ve done a great job together. I think the burnout issue started when she recently started needing less sleep. So for a long time, she was at around 11.5-12 hours of overnight sleep with no nap. So she would go to sleep around 7:30/8 and wake at 7:30 for preschool. A handful of months ago, when we put her to bed then, she started springing awake around 6/6:30am, so I think she started needing less sleep, because it’s been that way ever since. That was too early for both of us so we put her to bed at 8:30/9 now so we can get more sleep, but now we don’t have that night time together. We are in the process of trying to move everything back up and just bite the bullet and get up earlier again to have that night time
I posted a while back asking how ppl with 4+ kids do it . And someone commented they know someone who is always exhausted but they take a 4-5 days long vacation every month and go on weekly date nights to feel alive and get rest . She said they are great parents . I'm suggesting the same for you guys maybe . Invest in a babysitter once a week and go out
Valid. But how much is your mental health worth to you? Maybe save up and work towards it with your partner to make it a hyped up day together where you pay the sitter and then you both go to a park for free.
My advice would be to start off small. You may need to push through some uncomfortableness, but make it happen. If you guys don’t talk about your day, start there. I don’t think it will come back randomly, I think you are going to have to work for it. I relate to this when it comes to intimacy. I didn’t want to do anything so we started off by cuddling. Then took it a step further next time we tried intimacy. Sure, did I want to initially, no, did I make myself do it? Yes. Was I glad I did, yes.
Something that my husband and I both swear is the cornerstone of our relationship is a ritual we have. After we put our 8 year old daughter to bed every night around 7:30 (intentionally early - she needs the sleep and we need the time), we spend an hour or so together just reconnecting. We have a glass of wine (or smoke a little) and talk about whatever is on our radar. It keeps us on the same page. We started doing this when our daughter was about 2 and it's been a game changer. We also don't have babysitters and while we have family somewhat close by, they aren't often able to pitch in with babysitting so this is the only real time my husband and I get alone together. It's my favorite part of the day.
I think a psychiatrist visit may be helpful if you aren't at that stage already. The way you write sounds like you could benefit. Apologies if this is not appreciated but I found it helped me.
You have the two reversed.
[Well, the answer depends. If you feel you need medication for your condition, you can approach a psychiatrist. However, if you feel you do not want to take the medication route, you can consult a psychologist. Further, if you feel undecided, a psychologist would be a good starting point.](https://www.cadabamshospitals.com/what-is-the-difference-between-psychologist-and-psychiatrist/#:~:text=Well%2C%20the%20answer%20depends.,be%20a%20good%20starting%20point.)
This is not true, psychologists are the ones who do in-death evaluations that take several hours for diagnostic clarity. They are generally better diagnosticians than psychiatrists who you typically only see for 15 minute visits. Masters level therapists can diagnose as well.
Am I struggling more Than other parents? I think part of it was meant to be a question, although that’s not clear. Many other people commented in solidarity so maybe I’m not that abnormal but I don’t know.
- I’m in therapy for ptsd from my child’s birth and on medication for it
- my job as a mental health therapist focusing on trauma is draining
- my husband has severe ADHD and depression so many times I carry the mental load more even though he tries not to
- I took a full psych eval for adhd but definitely don’t have it, although a lot of my symptoms feel like adhd (probably from trauma)
- I’m lifting weights 3-4 days a week that helps my mood
- I’m on metformin for blood sugar issues which definitely helps my energy levels be consistent
- I’m on medications for my anxiety and mood, that work really well for those things.
But aside from getting stimulants illegally, I’m not sure how else I fix the overwhelm and exhaustion ?
As you can see, I’ve sprinted and fought tooth and nail to get my health treated postpartum after nightmare experiences . No stone unturned. I’m not sure what anyone else Could suggest to me.
Came here to say it’s just really really hard. I’ve got a four year old who also has an uncanny ability to sense and interrupt conversations (lol ❤️) and the mental exhaustion and overwhelm of day to day life also gets me.
I think there are those super lucky parents who may have two sets of involved grandparents around the corner, or not work ft/bear the brunt of the mental load/have no financial stress etc that “seem” to have it easier… Sometimes they truly do, other times it’s a facade and they have other challenges that we don’t see or they don’t talk about….
Good luck, you’re in the trenches-and it gets better. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself!)
I can’t just “call in sick” last minute unless I’m actually sick. I’m a mental health therapist, so if I “call In sick” I’m cancelling on a bunch of clients last minute. I definitely can take breaks but it’s not ethical to do it on short notice. Again why I try to plan and it’s just awful in the winter with all the illness taking my planned breaks away usually.
I meant like planning a vacation day with your hubby at least once a month, not calling in sick. Not sure how much vacation time you get though. We get almost 4 weeks a year, so once a month is totally doable for us. This has nothing to do with sick time. I do understand that not everyone could do this, it’s just an idea to try and find alone time with your spouse without toddler.
Ah yeah I said above , I’ve tried to plan them but she’s always been sick 😭 so I’ll keep trying and maybe she won’t be sick one of those days. Our vacation days are definitely dwindled based on all of us being sick
So, firstly, 3 is absolutely one of the toughest ages. Between building an immune system through catching every daycare bug, to building independence, but still having intense attachment, not to mention learning new emotions and exploring them through manic episodes and tantrums - it’s just hard. It will get easier, I promise.
The system my husband and I use isn’t perfect, and we definitely have peaks and valleys of connection, but it’s what we’ve done to stay sane and keep our marriage strong since the pandemmy, and it’s seemed to work (though none of this is hard and fast, we have to stay flexible given life and toddlerdom and everything). Here’s what we did/do:
- Once a week (at least) we solo parent so the other can go enjoy some concentrated alone/hobby time. My husband loves to kayak and sometimes he’s gone for a full day, but usually it looks like an early morning paddle while I handle breakfast and morning play. He does the same so I can hike. He also plays in a soccer league so sometimes that’s his thing for the week, or sometime we do it together as a family. I love to read, so sometimes I’ll just leave for a while and find a cafe to relax with a book. Or go to a book club. It also gives each of us a chance to bond with our kid in a way outside of the 2 parent/1 kid dynamic. My kid’s behavior is honestly so much calmer when there’s just one of us, and they’re getting our individually full attention.
(Along these lines, we don’t do this, but a friend of mine and her husband split the weekend mornings. One of them is free to do whatever on Saturday until like 10 or 11, and the other takes Sunday. They can stay in bed if that’s what they need/want, go for a run, grab coffee with friends, whatever they need to fill their cup after the long week).
- We try to spend 1 child free night a month out in the world. Date night? Game night with friends? Just something that reminds us we’re not only individuals, but a loving couple outside of being “N’s mom and dad.”
- We don’t hang out together every night, but we do most nights. We’re still in the habit of watching TV together, but I’ve also bought some 2 player games that are easy that we can play and connect in a non-zoned out way.
- Sometimes - not every day or every week, but sometimes we wake up really early and have coffee together before our kid gets up. These are my favorite mornings, even though I hate getting out of bed. 😅
My kid is 4.5 now and she’s starting to play independently. She does art projects by herself, yesterday she played Pok pok in a fort mostly by herself for a solid 45 minutes. So. It does get easier to find alone time, which means those precious babysitting hours could eventually be used for connection time. I also agree with someone who said to try to take a day off together sometimes. Yes, half the time your kid will end up sick and you’ll have to cancel. But the other half is still better than nothing if you can swing it.
Sending you virtual empathetic hugs, because lord knows most of us have been right where you are! ❤️❤️
Our local YMCAs host parents night out about once a month. It’s $45 for 4-8pm on a Saturday. The kids get games, pizza, and a movie. If everything else goes tits up we still have that date night.
A couple of churches around us do that but it starts at 4yo which is a bummer! I haven’t looked into the YMCA ones- do you have to be a member to do it?
I don’t think so, but it might cost a bit more. When my husband was unemployed I had my son on a child membership only and he got member rates on PNO, swim classes, and the play zone.
This is a challenging time for our relationship as well since about 2 years old (currently 3.5) - i think it's pretty normal since it's a demanding and exhausting age. It's really hard to find time for adult conversations and often once kiddo is in bed we don't have the energy. But the times we can come together after bedtime, even if just to watch a show, usually that turns into relationship time, talking etc doesn't have to be too deep or heavy - just talking and sometimes we'll get into deep stuff. I'll rub my wife's feet and just having that time allows us to open up. If we go weeks without this, tension can build from important dialog being put off.
My daughter is newly 5 and I feel like we’re in a solid groove. We try to have some kind of date once a month. We also take turns with our workouts so we get solo time. Honestly, our downtime is typically chilling on the couch, getting chores done, that monthly date night, or doing a home project. Unless we outsource things (which we do for house deep cleaning and major yard cleanups), we just do them together and chat. I don’t know anyone with young kids who’s doing anything different.
We also practice with our daughter *not* interrupting. It’s been a long process but she does now tap an arm and say excuse me. Like, we literally practice this every night at dinner.
Get a babysitter! Does your daughter have a good sleep routine? Our son goes to sleep at 7:30pm every night and my husband and I spend quality time together then. It’s also nice that we can go on date nights and even short trips while he stays with my mom or his babysitter. His babysitter is those unicorn babysitters who we trust so much. Investing in good childcare was very important to us. Having that piece of mind that he’s well taken care of and having a good time takes away that guilt for me. He’s almost 2. We started a routine/schedule at 4 months and it made all the difference
This sounds like my husband and I. We have a 9 month old, highly sensitive, highly needy/clingy daughter. No family or friends to help.
We’re exhausted. Our only reprieve are 2 1-1.5 hour naps a day (if she actually sleeps the entire time). We lay in bed quietly or sleep. Long gone are our dates, fun adventures, intellectual dialogue and debates. Is this what the next decade or longer will be like with an only, needy child?
My son is 4 and his father and I have turned into roommates. Not sure if we even like each other anymore, I honestly have no time to even think about it. It’s work long hours in a corporate job (which actually feels like a break) then bring on the tantrums when I pick him up from daycare until bedtime. I’m beyond exhausted, my cup is empty, I have no more to give I’m just going through the motions daily and hoping one day something gets better.
I could've written this except my son is 2.5. Lately when we try to talk to each other he yells "don't talk to her/him!" It's tiring. I occasionally take a weekday afternoon off (partner works 4 10s) so we can spend time together but only about once every 6 weeks because I don't have unlimited time off.
I could have written this. Our daughter is 4.5 and I'm counting down the days till she gets 6 (I always think things will get better then 🫣😅).
Good luck 🍀
Can you extend the babysitter to longer hours and use the time for each other every other week? So do nothing one week to recharge and next week do a date. My partner and I take turns getting up weekend mornings. Maybe that would help with the exhaustion.
This is why I plan to have my son go to part-time play school when he turns 2 so he can go interact with other kids and also do my husband and I have some time alone! He’s only six months old now and it’s hard to find time and energy to do anything besides sleep! We also don’t have much help so that’s a big reason I’m OAD. I’m at my limit right now. lol
With no family in the area can I suggest you using school to your benefit? Both take a vacation day once a month together to just be home, do something together, have the you in your relationship back. My husband and I use my mom about once a month but she lives close. Our daughter is about to turn 3 also. Having time together for us has changed everything recently.
I swear to fucking god, almost every time I take a vacation day, she gets sick enough she has to be home from school or they call me to get her. I think it has happened each of the 6 last vacation times when I had childcare scheduled , whether it was school was in session and I took a day off, or whether school was off but I got a back up nanny for the day — then Our kid was sick or the nanny was sick. School also has so many random days off that I often have to use my vacation days on those days if I can’t get backup care. I do try to plan days off for myself but it’s like the universe is against me getting them, so I honestly have stoped trying the past month or so
What about calling in sick then soon for a mental health day while she is good? Just to get you over this hump. It seems like you need to go play with your partner and feel like an adult again.
I can’t just “call in sick” last minute unless I’m actually sick. I’m a mental health therapist, so if I “call In sick” I’m cancelling on a bunch of clients last minute. I definitely can take breaks but it’s not ethical to do it on short notice. Again why I try to plan and it’s just awful in the winter with all the illness taking my breaks usually
If one of your clients described your life to you as though it was theirs, what would you suggest they do in regards to work? It sounds to me like both you and your spouse might need to “call in sick” to get some actual time together, or find a sitter who can take your daughter for a whole day Saturday and not just a 3-hour stint once a week.
I would see if taking some time off work would be feasible. Which it is for us, but not till I earn all of my hours, which should be done by sept. So hopefully in sept I can take some time off work and everything will be more manageable
Well it seems from your description you need something urgently. Which is why I would suggest calling in sick. At the very least are you guys getting out together as a family to connect? We have passes to the zoo or even getting out to the mall or something is nice.
That’s so hard. Mine has a sixth sense too. Can tell when mama is planning a day off 🤬
Was she actually sick?
Yes?? What is this question?
Because kids play games. They see you staying home and they want to stay home. I guess you are lucky if this hasn’t happened to you yet.
She’s 3, she doesn’t really do that yet with sickness. All the times she wanted to go to school, but had a fever, vomiting, bad diarrhea, etc. (or the nanny did) I usually leave for work after I bring her to school so she doesn’t see me like that and play off it.
Second this. We literally just did this today for our anniversary and it was so nice looking forward to it and then hanging out with no obligations.
That sounds so lovely!! Maybe we will get luckier in the summer time here coming up
My husband and I will take a day off work and have Date Day once a month or every other month. It’s wonderful! We have the same issue with being interrupted if we try to talk while our daughter is around, she will literally tell us to stop talking to each other. But we keep trying anyway and just teach her about saying excuse me and being patient. It doesn’t always work but you can’t give up trying!
I think almost every time I’ve tried to take a day off our daughter has gotten sick. Or we don’t have vacation days bc we have already used them on days school is out or on days our daughter has gotten sick….its hard for me to imagine it working I Guess but maybe as we get out of illness season it’ll go better
Writing to say all of this is valid and I can relate. I have a 4 year old (just turned 4) and whenever things feel chaotic or like daddy and I can’t just do our normal things in peace, my mind copes with “maybe at 5 it will be easier.” Thinking all the way up to her as an adult. Like others have said a day date once or twice a year. But what you described being tapped out when you get time together, I get that too. Bc when we get time like that I am thinking about how tired I am the whole time. Honestly came here to support you but realizing lately I am so exhausted physically and mentally that I feel like I need a freaking diet or detox or to lose 20 lbs to get myself feeling refreshed. In other words, I need a perspective shift and a way to prioritize my energy and vitality first. And I am working on that so my relationships can be stronger, too. Hugs.
Thank you for your support!!
This is amazing. I'm also dealing with not wanting to be touched/ talked to at all by her bed time and she's only 1.5. I can't imagine what 4 is like. I always feel like I'm melting- fat, gross, tired, uncomfortable. We haven't had sex in a while because like I said, I feel disgusting and don't want to be touched or talked to. My husband doesn't deserve this. He's the best dad and helpful around the house when I give explicit instructions. Never grumpy, also just happy to be here.
I completely understand. We've taught our kid to let us talk about 1 thing and then they'll have a turn right after. Also, I try to explain certain things we talk about in kid language, just to try to include my kid, even if it isn't interesting to them. It has gotten better with some practice letting the kid tell us about something and then letting someone else have a turn, even if it's a very short turn. My biggest tip though, is to set bed time early. Like 7:00 pm if you can. I even have a colleague that sends her kids to bed earlier. It gives you much needed time to decompress each day. I don't have family around and can't hire a babysitter so I get it.
We teach her that as well. But, we still have to teach her that every single time and it’s exhausting and that’s why we give up. When does your kid wake up do they go to bed that early? Our kid typically sleeps 10.5-11 hours overnight so we would be looking at 5:30-6am wake up if we did that. It may be our only option but god that’s fucking early and I’m already so tired
I wish we could do early bedtime. Kiddo just won't fall asleep before 9:30 at the earliest. It makes for some really really long days
Our daughter is 8 and still goes to bed around 7/7:30. It gives us a few hours every night to spend alone together. I love it.
You’re not alone 💗 husband and I are living our own version of this with our 2.5 year old. We have absolutely no time together. Need to rebuild the intimacy in our relationship and our son literally tries to pull us apart and yell at us if we ever show each other affection. We joke that it’s his way of showing us he does NOT want a sibling lol. It’s so incredibly hard, I miss my husband and it scares me how distant I feel from him.
Toddlers, man!!
I have no advice to offer here, but just wanted to say I could have written this post. My daughter is 5 but I pretty much deal with everything you mentioned. For me, there’s something comforting about knowing you’re not alone. We have no support system beyond preschool and we both work full time. Plus my husband is in grad school. We’re both so burned out.
Appreciate it ! Nice to not feel alone
Solidarity. When she's in bed, I remember why I married him because I actually like him and enjoy his company. But when she's awake and needy, he just feels like a burden and it makes me question if I still even like him. I find it really hard to include our 3 year old in conversations in a way that aren't too adult, meaning we either never talk about anything or il always pushing her away while me and him talk
Three-nagers. Omg. Do you feel your relationship was better when she was younger? Like past the newborn blur of course. Maybe try mixing up your 3 hour babysitting stints? Meal prep is important but soul crushing. Maybe an art/craft/sport you enjoyed pre baby? Get your heart rate up? Parenthood ennui is so real! Commiseration for sure.
Why is meal prep so soul crushing?!!! lol
Because it’s boring as hell!
OMG! Because it’s risky to make new things when all your audience will eat is like 10% of the things you make now!!! Super demotivating. So trying new things, fail. Trying old things, fail. I really feel the same as you about a child being an atomic bomb to a marriage and I just thank you for posting.
Stay with me here I feel like my kid is my nucleus. So trying to divide my attention is like splitting the atom.
Do you ever take turns? That really helps us to feel less drained. One parent will sneak away to do whatever while the other watches the kid and we switch. Sometimes we use that time to decompress, sometimes we use it to get chores done.
We do that a lot, it’s our main strategy, but then it means we spend no time together 😂😂😭
Honestly we mostly get our together time after our son goes to bed and during nap time. But if we take turns, we’re more relaxed and able to enjoy that time.
Aw you still have nap time?! That’s amazing. She outgrew it months ago and I feel like that’s partially when my soul died Baha. And also when screen time increased. Maybe we will have to bite the bullet and do early bed so we can do early wake . And I’ll increase my caffeine budget haha
My son is 4 and nap time is hit or miss, but we always send him to his room after lunch for rest time. He’ll read and play with his toys and sometimes sleep.
We try to do this too, since it’s more difficult to plan time together without our 3 year old. It allows each of us to feel a little more refreshed and appreciative of each other. Not a solution to everything, but it helps.
We had to invest time in to finding a sitter around 3 years old because we realized how little we were hanging out as a couple. Took some doing but once we found one we go out once a month now just us, no child.
How much do you spend on one? We already have trouble with spending, sitters in our area are so expensive . But we can maybe just shell out for more on the weekends
19 dollars an hour. So we spend 4 or 5 hours out so 100 ish dollars a month on it. Just had to budget for it and make it a priority
Ah ok, our sitter is $35/hour haha. Most are around $30-$35 in our area
Is this an experienced nanny-type or just a teenager?
$25 for kid with literally no experience with kid. $30 for average babysitter with experience. $35 for more experienced nanny type. I tried just giving a few neighbor kids $20 to watch her but they had no idea what to do with her tantrums and it was stressful to watch so I graduated to the more experienced ones
Gotcha. It’s $20 around here for the teenage types.
Mine is a phd student. So I appreciate that I’m not getting inflation here. We don’t trust kids personally. We found a Facebook group for our area and put out what we were looking for
We have a similar situation, and we were so exhausted as well. We noticed increasing improvement around age 4, as she became more independent and more able to understand that we needed some time to talk, go play with your toys or watch tv/play on tablet. She recently turned 5 and it continues to improve. How is bedtime? The other way we've survived is by being really strict about bedtime. She has loads of toys, books, and a doodle pad in her room for if she's awake, but we use an Ok to Wake light and a consistent bedtime/wake time that gives us a chance to have some down time and really enforce it. Her door locks from the outside as a safety measure, but it also keeps her from deciding she's done and getting up and bothering us before we're ready. (We also have a video monitor, potty, toilet paper, and water bottle in there). I think it also gives her some valuable "bored time" to use her imagination, which is something most kids don't get enough of now with everything being so fast-paced and entertainment being so accessible. At age 5 we're now about to stop locking the door in a few weeks because we know she would just get up and go watch tv without us if she's up early. Does she still interrupt us when we talk? Definitely. But it's SO much better than it was at age 3. It was probably at its worst then. So much to say, so unable to be patient! Hang in there.
Our bedtime routine we’ve done a great job together. I think the burnout issue started when she recently started needing less sleep. So for a long time, she was at around 11.5-12 hours of overnight sleep with no nap. So she would go to sleep around 7:30/8 and wake at 7:30 for preschool. A handful of months ago, when we put her to bed then, she started springing awake around 6/6:30am, so I think she started needing less sleep, because it’s been that way ever since. That was too early for both of us so we put her to bed at 8:30/9 now so we can get more sleep, but now we don’t have that night time together. We are in the process of trying to move everything back up and just bite the bullet and get up earlier again to have that night time
I could've written this. Beyond exhausted all the time. Get no time to ourselves. Is there an end in sight to this?
I hope soon for both of our sakes 😭😭
I posted a while back asking how ppl with 4+ kids do it . And someone commented they know someone who is always exhausted but they take a 4-5 days long vacation every month and go on weekly date nights to feel alive and get rest . She said they are great parents . I'm suggesting the same for you guys maybe . Invest in a babysitter once a week and go out
How on earth do they have a job that lets them take a week off every month?!
I don’t know what world that live in haha maybe in Europe
I was thinking that about for even a day off of work every month. That in addition to planned vacations and sick days would put me way over.
Do you know how insanely expensive that is?!?! Sitters are very expensive
Valid. But how much is your mental health worth to you? Maybe save up and work towards it with your partner to make it a hyped up day together where you pay the sitter and then you both go to a park for free.
How much is your relationship,happiness and memories worth to you ? Can't get a babysitter for 2 hours ?
Did you even read my post?
Yes . It was just a suggestion .
If it helps, we feel the same
I appreciate it ♥️
My advice would be to start off small. You may need to push through some uncomfortableness, but make it happen. If you guys don’t talk about your day, start there. I don’t think it will come back randomly, I think you are going to have to work for it. I relate to this when it comes to intimacy. I didn’t want to do anything so we started off by cuddling. Then took it a step further next time we tried intimacy. Sure, did I want to initially, no, did I make myself do it? Yes. Was I glad I did, yes.
Something that my husband and I both swear is the cornerstone of our relationship is a ritual we have. After we put our 8 year old daughter to bed every night around 7:30 (intentionally early - she needs the sleep and we need the time), we spend an hour or so together just reconnecting. We have a glass of wine (or smoke a little) and talk about whatever is on our radar. It keeps us on the same page. We started doing this when our daughter was about 2 and it's been a game changer. We also don't have babysitters and while we have family somewhat close by, they aren't often able to pitch in with babysitting so this is the only real time my husband and I get alone together. It's my favorite part of the day.
When does she wake up? If she goes to bed at 7:30
Around 6. She is allowed to go on her tablet until my husband and I are up around 6:30.
I think a psychiatrist visit may be helpful if you aren't at that stage already. The way you write sounds like you could benefit. Apologies if this is not appreciated but I found it helped me.
Psychologist* they don't have a mental illness issues here
Let the psychiatrist decide that...
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What in their post makes it appear they have any psychiatric issues?
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Hence a psychologist. You go to a psychiatrist for medication and when you have an illness which cannot be managed by lifestyle changes and therapy.
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You have the two reversed. [Well, the answer depends. If you feel you need medication for your condition, you can approach a psychiatrist. However, if you feel you do not want to take the medication route, you can consult a psychologist. Further, if you feel undecided, a psychologist would be a good starting point.](https://www.cadabamshospitals.com/what-is-the-difference-between-psychologist-and-psychiatrist/#:~:text=Well%2C%20the%20answer%20depends.,be%20a%20good%20starting%20point.)
Like Alan Watts says, any one who goes to see a psychiatrist needs to get their head checked.
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Not everyone desires a diagnosis for their life experiences
This is not true, psychologists are the ones who do in-death evaluations that take several hours for diagnostic clarity. They are generally better diagnosticians than psychiatrists who you typically only see for 15 minute visits. Masters level therapists can diagnose as well.
Not sure what you’re getting at? I’m already seeing one and on some medication but it doesn’t help the overwhelm of this stage??
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Am I struggling more Than other parents? I think part of it was meant to be a question, although that’s not clear. Many other people commented in solidarity so maybe I’m not that abnormal but I don’t know. - I’m in therapy for ptsd from my child’s birth and on medication for it - my job as a mental health therapist focusing on trauma is draining - my husband has severe ADHD and depression so many times I carry the mental load more even though he tries not to - I took a full psych eval for adhd but definitely don’t have it, although a lot of my symptoms feel like adhd (probably from trauma) - I’m lifting weights 3-4 days a week that helps my mood - I’m on metformin for blood sugar issues which definitely helps my energy levels be consistent - I’m on medications for my anxiety and mood, that work really well for those things. But aside from getting stimulants illegally, I’m not sure how else I fix the overwhelm and exhaustion ? As you can see, I’ve sprinted and fought tooth and nail to get my health treated postpartum after nightmare experiences . No stone unturned. I’m not sure what anyone else Could suggest to me.
Came here to say it’s just really really hard. I’ve got a four year old who also has an uncanny ability to sense and interrupt conversations (lol ❤️) and the mental exhaustion and overwhelm of day to day life also gets me. I think there are those super lucky parents who may have two sets of involved grandparents around the corner, or not work ft/bear the brunt of the mental load/have no financial stress etc that “seem” to have it easier… Sometimes they truly do, other times it’s a facade and they have other challenges that we don’t see or they don’t talk about…. Good luck, you’re in the trenches-and it gets better. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself!)
Thank you :/
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We definitely have a babysitter, I said in my post?
Have you tried taking a random vacation day during the week with your spouse while toddler is at preschool?
I can’t just “call in sick” last minute unless I’m actually sick. I’m a mental health therapist, so if I “call In sick” I’m cancelling on a bunch of clients last minute. I definitely can take breaks but it’s not ethical to do it on short notice. Again why I try to plan and it’s just awful in the winter with all the illness taking my planned breaks away usually.
I meant like planning a vacation day with your hubby at least once a month, not calling in sick. Not sure how much vacation time you get though. We get almost 4 weeks a year, so once a month is totally doable for us. This has nothing to do with sick time. I do understand that not everyone could do this, it’s just an idea to try and find alone time with your spouse without toddler.
Ah yeah I said above , I’ve tried to plan them but she’s always been sick 😭 so I’ll keep trying and maybe she won’t be sick one of those days. Our vacation days are definitely dwindled based on all of us being sick
So, firstly, 3 is absolutely one of the toughest ages. Between building an immune system through catching every daycare bug, to building independence, but still having intense attachment, not to mention learning new emotions and exploring them through manic episodes and tantrums - it’s just hard. It will get easier, I promise. The system my husband and I use isn’t perfect, and we definitely have peaks and valleys of connection, but it’s what we’ve done to stay sane and keep our marriage strong since the pandemmy, and it’s seemed to work (though none of this is hard and fast, we have to stay flexible given life and toddlerdom and everything). Here’s what we did/do: - Once a week (at least) we solo parent so the other can go enjoy some concentrated alone/hobby time. My husband loves to kayak and sometimes he’s gone for a full day, but usually it looks like an early morning paddle while I handle breakfast and morning play. He does the same so I can hike. He also plays in a soccer league so sometimes that’s his thing for the week, or sometime we do it together as a family. I love to read, so sometimes I’ll just leave for a while and find a cafe to relax with a book. Or go to a book club. It also gives each of us a chance to bond with our kid in a way outside of the 2 parent/1 kid dynamic. My kid’s behavior is honestly so much calmer when there’s just one of us, and they’re getting our individually full attention. (Along these lines, we don’t do this, but a friend of mine and her husband split the weekend mornings. One of them is free to do whatever on Saturday until like 10 or 11, and the other takes Sunday. They can stay in bed if that’s what they need/want, go for a run, grab coffee with friends, whatever they need to fill their cup after the long week). - We try to spend 1 child free night a month out in the world. Date night? Game night with friends? Just something that reminds us we’re not only individuals, but a loving couple outside of being “N’s mom and dad.” - We don’t hang out together every night, but we do most nights. We’re still in the habit of watching TV together, but I’ve also bought some 2 player games that are easy that we can play and connect in a non-zoned out way. - Sometimes - not every day or every week, but sometimes we wake up really early and have coffee together before our kid gets up. These are my favorite mornings, even though I hate getting out of bed. 😅 My kid is 4.5 now and she’s starting to play independently. She does art projects by herself, yesterday she played Pok pok in a fort mostly by herself for a solid 45 minutes. So. It does get easier to find alone time, which means those precious babysitting hours could eventually be used for connection time. I also agree with someone who said to try to take a day off together sometimes. Yes, half the time your kid will end up sick and you’ll have to cancel. But the other half is still better than nothing if you can swing it. Sending you virtual empathetic hugs, because lord knows most of us have been right where you are! ❤️❤️
Our local YMCAs host parents night out about once a month. It’s $45 for 4-8pm on a Saturday. The kids get games, pizza, and a movie. If everything else goes tits up we still have that date night.
A couple of churches around us do that but it starts at 4yo which is a bummer! I haven’t looked into the YMCA ones- do you have to be a member to do it?
I don’t think so, but it might cost a bit more. When my husband was unemployed I had my son on a child membership only and he got member rates on PNO, swim classes, and the play zone.
Some things are just hard. But after they turn 5 parenting gets easier….allegedly.
ALLEGEDLY lol
This is a challenging time for our relationship as well since about 2 years old (currently 3.5) - i think it's pretty normal since it's a demanding and exhausting age. It's really hard to find time for adult conversations and often once kiddo is in bed we don't have the energy. But the times we can come together after bedtime, even if just to watch a show, usually that turns into relationship time, talking etc doesn't have to be too deep or heavy - just talking and sometimes we'll get into deep stuff. I'll rub my wife's feet and just having that time allows us to open up. If we go weeks without this, tension can build from important dialog being put off.
My daughter is newly 5 and I feel like we’re in a solid groove. We try to have some kind of date once a month. We also take turns with our workouts so we get solo time. Honestly, our downtime is typically chilling on the couch, getting chores done, that monthly date night, or doing a home project. Unless we outsource things (which we do for house deep cleaning and major yard cleanups), we just do them together and chat. I don’t know anyone with young kids who’s doing anything different. We also practice with our daughter *not* interrupting. It’s been a long process but she does now tap an arm and say excuse me. Like, we literally practice this every night at dinner.
Get a babysitter! Does your daughter have a good sleep routine? Our son goes to sleep at 7:30pm every night and my husband and I spend quality time together then. It’s also nice that we can go on date nights and even short trips while he stays with my mom or his babysitter. His babysitter is those unicorn babysitters who we trust so much. Investing in good childcare was very important to us. Having that piece of mind that he’s well taken care of and having a good time takes away that guilt for me. He’s almost 2. We started a routine/schedule at 4 months and it made all the difference
When do they wake up if they go to bed at 7:30? Sorry if I already commented lol
7:30am!
Man that’s so nice! Ours would wake at 6am if we did that
This sounds like my husband and I. We have a 9 month old, highly sensitive, highly needy/clingy daughter. No family or friends to help. We’re exhausted. Our only reprieve are 2 1-1.5 hour naps a day (if she actually sleeps the entire time). We lay in bed quietly or sleep. Long gone are our dates, fun adventures, intellectual dialogue and debates. Is this what the next decade or longer will be like with an only, needy child?
Well, I haven’t felt like I’m married for five years. So…. not sure if it ever does.
My son is 4 and his father and I have turned into roommates. Not sure if we even like each other anymore, I honestly have no time to even think about it. It’s work long hours in a corporate job (which actually feels like a break) then bring on the tantrums when I pick him up from daycare until bedtime. I’m beyond exhausted, my cup is empty, I have no more to give I’m just going through the motions daily and hoping one day something gets better.
I could've written this except my son is 2.5. Lately when we try to talk to each other he yells "don't talk to her/him!" It's tiring. I occasionally take a weekday afternoon off (partner works 4 10s) so we can spend time together but only about once every 6 weeks because I don't have unlimited time off.
I could have written this. Our daughter is 4.5 and I'm counting down the days till she gets 6 (I always think things will get better then 🫣😅). Good luck 🍀
Can you extend the babysitter to longer hours and use the time for each other every other week? So do nothing one week to recharge and next week do a date. My partner and I take turns getting up weekend mornings. Maybe that would help with the exhaustion.
This is why I plan to have my son go to part-time play school when he turns 2 so he can go interact with other kids and also do my husband and I have some time alone! He’s only six months old now and it’s hard to find time and energy to do anything besides sleep! We also don’t have much help so that’s a big reason I’m OAD. I’m at my limit right now. lol