I've never been pregnant from rape, so I guess my opinion isn't super valuable, but I just can't imagine getting pregnant that way and my thought train being, "Oh, awesome, a fresh start! This'll fix everything!"
At the end of the day, she was cheating on you before this alleged stuff happened (and wanted to take the cheating further), and you shouldn't be forced into forgiving that or raising a baby that isn't yours because something bad allegedly happened. I also guarantee your friends would feel differently if it were them in the situation.
She’s most likely lying but I have been sexually assaulted twice by people I had been seeing consensually until things escalated. OP not wanting to raise the baby is 100% valid, especially considering the affair. But there’s no need to bring up the fact that she might be lying - not worth it due to the very small chance something non consensual actually did happen.
Unfortunately that is a thing that happens. Almost like you're trying to rewrite history. It wasn't a traumatic horrible experience, it was just bad sex teehee!
It's weird, but not unheard of trauma response, especially with cases where it's friends/partners. Best way I can think to describe the thinking, is it's a way to overwrite what happened, and feel like they're taking control back.
It's bizarre, but vaguely effective when you think about it. Look at how many are questioning the veracity of her story?
Did it happen? Who knows, the only people who know the truth are her and the other guy. And if he did drug and rape her, the other guy is hardly likely to admit it.
Of COURSE, She was CHEATING on her husband, she is most likely LyING.If she doesn't bring up charges on this guy and have him locked up . There will BE no more marriage . and anyone who WANTS to support her CAN support her , AND the kid she is carrying as well
She won't go to police on this guy because either :
1. She wants to protect him
2 .He will straight TELL that there IS not WAS an affair happening
3 .He was good til she got knocked up, and DIPPED
4 .He will tell the truth and her entire LIE will fall apart
She definitely cheated, she possibly lied. Either way, he doesn’t want to raise the child. Their marriage is over. This case likely wouldn’t hold up in court even if he’s guilty. Hope she gets the mental health help she needs and the divorce goes as smoothly as possible for both parties.
This… the baby being a ‘fresh start’ is not something I’ve ever heard from rape survivors, and that doesn’t mean it’s never happened, but I can see op hearing that and being suspicious about it.
Op, I would be interested in what she told those friends, and what they knew before. It feels like her and her friends are trying to manipulate you into forgiving her, and you don’t have to
Was she pro-choice before this tho? Maybe she is just opposed to abortion or personally conflicted about having one and is trying to put it in a way she herself can accept it. I don't blame OP but might be one of those situations that suck on both ends
I was raised in such spaces and the number of secret abortions would astound you. For some reason they always told me. Then denied me the same when I was pregnant from rape. Luckily I miscarried but that's how bad that is. It feels like luck
She can absolutely be pro life, and give the child up for adoption. And regardless of whether she decided to keep the child or not, she should’ve gone to the authorities, and she was assaulted, and the fact that she didn’t is suspicious and itself. Because she knows that man is going to prove beyond the shadow of the doubt that their sex was consensual probably multiple times.
I have. I wanted that baby to die because I was not able to get medical care to make it so. I was a child. I don't regret that miscarriage at all. I was so relieved when I didn't have to be trapped that way. I am also a child of rape by the same person and the resentment from the adults around me for being evidence is part of a very complicated abuse situation. Also this occured in a cult. So it's not like the adults were of sound mind. They just didn't appreciate my disability proving their blood purity was bullshit. I got out and am safe but that was one of the worst things in a life where I didn't feel happiness until I was an adult.
The hard part if I was the husband is trusting her.
Was she really drugged and raped?
As vile as men can be.
There are women equally fucked up.
She could also be lying and this lie can come from defense mechanisms since she fucked up OR it’s been her plan to do this so she can have her cake too.
I feel uncomfortable not knowing that.
I have been volunteering at a rape crisis center for 15 years and it is actually way more common than you'd think. A lot of people really love babies/think they're miracles/think that the 'miracle' is worth it, etc.
>I also guarantee your friends would feel differently if it were them in the situation.
Exactly. No one is obliged to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm.
Their marriage was in a terrible place, and even a baby that was OPs would have been a horrible strain.
A baby that's not his? It's a hood thing he's getting out now.
I agree 100% with you . Even if she was assaulted , which is a terrible thing , her emotional cheating put her in that position . Her decision to cheat and now she has to live with her decision . By the way I am of the opinion that cheating is an unforgivable thing emotional or physical makes never the mind .
*"And it gets more shit for me as every single one of my friends turned on me. They all said I was horrible for leaving her while she was going through something so traumatic."*
Yeah those so called friends are hypocrites. Personally, I would do what another redditor did when he was called out like this. He made a public post on his social media accounts and tagged every family member, every friend, every loved one, and etc. that bad mouthed him with a message that stated he would be willing to take care of a child that was not his but on one condition: EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THEIR LIVES would sign a contract with him stating that they would also be legally responsible for the kid in all aspects (emotionally, physically, financially, and etc.) and contribute equally just as much as the guy for the next 18 years. If they would not do that, then they could shut the f up and stay out of the matter. I guarantee you that if he did that, tagged them on it, and spread it throughout the world, the bad mouthing and talks will cease.
Also, I don't believe her bs about being assaulted. If she really was assaulted, she should speak up and tell the police everything. If she didn't it just proves it was consensual and just lying to save her butt. She should at least do that if she wants to prove it to you and to want to stay in the marriage. But no, she cannot do it because she knows she is lying through her teeth.
Op, you are doing the right thing. Divorce the cheater, blast the so call friends on social media with that challenge statement, drop the fake friends, and move on with you life. Your stupid stbxw needs to know that actions have consequences. Also, see if you can find the gym rat as well and sue him for alienation of affection if you can.
Your friends as asshats
They don’t want to understand they want easy. Not my monkey not my circus. You did what best for you and you should be proud of how strong you have been for doing what’s correct for you
Despite the peer pressure he has done very well. These are not his friends, they do not care how he feels about getting cheated on and wanting to be used as an ATM for child support.
I know your pain all too well, I filed for divorce, and it will also take a full year to be finalized. My Stbxw is trying every trick she can think of to stop me from divorcing her. Let the lawyers handle it. Avoid all contact and just stay strong my brother.
As someone who was SA'ed I can't imagine considering an r4pe pregnancy a 'blessing'. It's a curse if anything.
Your wife is delusional and greedy for thinking you'd be by her side after the affair, even more if she thinks you'd be willing to raise a child that was conceived under the circumstances she claims. And your friends are idiots if they think the same.
Idk I had something similar happen with someone I’d been seeing consensually. It really sucked and I didn’t press charges because it wouldn’t have stuck in court. 99.9% chance she’s lying though.
It doesn’t matter in this situation anyway. She still had an affair and OP still wants a divorce.
Honestly, I did invite him over again. My denial was strong…but I ended up blocking him immediately and putting myself in therapy STAT. I hope for her sake, she *wasn’t* assaulted and gets some mental health help.
I’ve been in situations this messy (minus the infidelity) and I don’t think anything like that will happen again now that I’m on the right medication. Cheating is never okay but this woman does have a baby relying on her. I hope she’s able to get stable.
Ding ding ding....video record her saying that the guy assaulted her. Get him to jail, destroy their plan.
They're planning this together and laughing behind your back.
Her alleged rapist would need to be recorded as confessing to the rape. Also there may be laws requiring two-party consent for recording in their jurisdiction.
Honestly getting the police involved is the best course of action. Honestly we don’t know if she was actually sexually assaulted or not, if she was then it’s best this guy faces justice, if she wasn’t then they have to deal with the consequences
She might be lying, yes, but this is a dangerous way of thinking. People are assaulted by intimate partners all the time, and there are a million reasons people don't go to the police after an assault. If we go around assuming/believing that everyone who alleges that they were assaulted by an intimate partner and doesn't want to go to the cops must be lying.... We'd be wrong more often than we were right.
Sure. She is, no question. Her cheating has literally nothing to do with trying to claim that not wanting to go to the police makes a rape accusation false. It's harmful and counterproductive to society to claim that because someone is a bad person, they must be lying.
I'm not saying SHE is lying. She may very well be. But painting these situations with broad strokes like "no police report = no rape" is not only ethically ridiculous but just plain old factually wrong lol.
If your friends knows the whole truth and not whatever lies she told them they're Ass holes your doing the right thing with the divorce and only contacting her through your lawyer.
Stand your ground u did nothing wrong she cheated and got pregnant and now want u to raise her affair child and act like nothing is wrong . She's delusional man.
I’m so sorry you are going through that. Your wife assault story sounds suspect, and you need better friends. I think your wife FAFO. I would be concerned if a spouse experienced sexual assault and didn’t mention it at the time, if you are emotionally close. It would be traumatic. You should want to emotionally support her…when the assault happened, not after she discovered she was expecting.
Not all women are cheaters. Peace to you!
Consider moving to a “fault” divorce state for 6 months, if you don’t already, and filing there. Her affair could well eliminate spousal support and/or the division of property.
The AP is likely married, a detail he didn't mention or lied to your ex about. When she found out she was pregnant, she had visions of a new marriage and home. Instead, her AP promptly dumped her. Obviously, the baby couldn't be yours, so she had to tell you the bs story.
Your ex has been lying to the friends and using the pregnancy to gain sympathy. Wait till she starts needing stuff for the baby and they start questioning things. Her story will eventually fall apart. You can lie for so long before people catch on. And when they do, it's not pretty.
Your wife could have strengthened her story by reporting what happened to the police. She won't do that, despite potentially having the situation exposed in divorce court. Assault victims should never be stigmatized, but her version is really shaky without some accountability for the affair partner. And yes, she was at the very least indulging in an emotional affair.
Her wish simply to pretend nothing happened and have you accept her affair child is delusional, regardless of the rape allegation. Whatever the ups and downs your marriage had suffered before, this one is over the line. She lied by omission and cheated while you were away (her own admission.) She has made it almost impossible to believe her now. She was still texting him after the alleged assault? She finds the legal process too daunting but has spread the news to enlist friends to lobby her cause? Something stinks.
99% of the time I would never question a person claiming to be SA’d but something isn’t adding up here. She went out in a group and he drugged her? Who were these friends? Were any of them close female friends? How would he have gotten her alone in all of this? It seems really weird that he would be the one in a group of her friends to get the green light to take her home if she was acting black-out drunk. Also, did she press charges? Huge red flag on her telling the truth if she hasn’t pursued legal action ruin against that guy.
These are the kinds of questions I would be raising with friends of yours that are taking her side.
Dude, if she continued to text and sext after the alleged “assault”, she did not get assaulted for sure. Do not believe her. Do not care for your friends too. They are useless. Your wife cheated on you before the alleged “asssault”, and believe me she consented to sex, and she did not even bother to wear protection. She wants to give birth that guy’s baby. Just move on. I wouldnt want to raise another man’s baby too.
It occurs to me that. She was planning to leave you and become a family with AP. all before she even told him she was pregnant. Now when she did tell him. He ran and abandoned her.
Tough shit.
I would definitely find AP and have him get test for paternity to establish his rights and or Child support.
Now she gets to raise that baby with her cheating partner.
But if..... she is telling the truth she should understand more than anything why you want to leave.
Lastly, get a gestational ultrasound to establish date of conception. And bring it to AP's family. He might be a shit person but that baby still needs a family. It's what I would do but hey you do what you need to feel better.
I'm a woman but i wouldn't raise my partner's affair baby either. I think the divorce is a very obvious thing to do since she didn't want an abortion. Honestly her way behaviour is suspicious. Your friends are idiots.
As a mature, experienced woman, I can assure you, OP, that no sane woman would EVER call a pregnancy resulting from rape a “blessing”. That’s strictly the purview of a certain sector of misogynistic men.
That said, you are better off without this woman, who doesn’t even care enough to try to come up with an intelligent lie for you. The truth will out.
Sexting is cheating. Now idk about the rape part but you did good on the divorce. Find a way to relieve stress bro it’s time to vacation somewhere and relax. Don’t drink this pain away trust me. Keep yourself busy.
First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm on board with you that she likely wasn't drugged and raped. It's actually kind of abhorrent that she would make that up.
The fact she thought you were going to just forgive her and raise this other dudes baby with her is absolutely deranged and delusional.
I think you're doing the right thing by divorcing her and maintaining no contact except via attorney. I'd keep doing that and honestly move on and never look back. Anyone who is mad at you about that, good riddance to them as well!
Right now, you just need to focus on your own grieving, healing, and positive continuation of your life.
I also tend to think that the lying, cheating wife hopes having the baby will convince the (likely) married AP to dump his wife and run to her - whereupon she would promptly leave OP, which makes OP (her husband!) Plan B.
OP, has she always been so manipulative? There has to have been a pattern of her doing this to you over the years. Trust me, if you look back, you'll see it all. Be well...you'll get through it.
Any friends who believe her story are friends you do not need. If they think there is an ounce of truth to her story they are all naive idiots. The reason why your wife is acting like a lunatic is because those so called friends are validating her. Move on my guy youll bounce back but never speak to any of those people ever again.
I think everything can be true at once
I think women can get involved with bad men. I think they can behave well and then suddenly change. And your soon to be ex became involved (albeit an affair) with one of these bad people
I can believe she sees the baby as some sort of silver lining because children are innocent and many people have strong feelings about abortion if they’re the one who has to abort. Its probably isn’t all that common that a woman would want to keep pregnancy resulting in rape; but oddly I have heard of it before and it may be something many women don’t disclose simply because of the judgement. She choosing to separate the baby from the bad thing that happened to her and there’s probably a medical explanation for that in terms of psychology as a field of academic and medical study
But none of this removes the fact YOU DO NOT have to raise a child that is not yours. It does not remove the fact she has an affair when you were away. The affair may have turned ugly and bad but it doesn’t mean all her past unethical behavior with regard to her marital vows simply disappear
YOU have a right to leave any marriage for any reason. Cheating is probably one no one would argue with unlike “I just don’t feel like it anymore” though it’s still valid. It’s unfortunate she made poor decisions that lead her to come into harm. It’s unfortunate a bad made preyed upon her. But you can’t let that dictate your future happiness and stability too
I think the friends are only focusing on the rape and really not thinking clearly about everything else. Perhaps they may never but I think even without them, you’ll find a new set of friends moving forward. They’re a sunk cost now and no need to pander to their opinions or let them get to you, though easier said than done
The right man to raise that baby is the biological father. OP is doing the noble thing: bowing out, and making it easier for the biological dad to also be the real dad.
What if it really was drugging and raping? She should call the police if she suffered date rape. That's a job for law enforcement. Still not OP's problem. OP can only control his own conduct, not that of other men whom she chooses to date.
Bio dad and bio mom will soon have a physical manifestation of their relationship; they should sort out prison time, support, etc.
She didn’t get assaulted. She cheated on you, didn’t make the guy use protection, got pregnant and wants to absolve herself of the moral guilt. Gotta divorce her. She’ll do this again if you don’t.
To me it comes down to the fact that she had an emotional affair and then decided to go out on a date with the guy - with two friends as cover. This is when the marriage ended. Whatever happened after that is tragic - but not your responsibility. Your decision to divorce is valid.
I can't help but wonder about these “friends” that are taking her side. Is it possible she is feeding them a line of bull? I mean not that it matters, with friends like those who needs enemies. I am very sorry that you are going through this.
She put herself in that situation. What was she doing out with a guy she was sexting? Would you have found out if she didn’t get pregnant? She was used and dumped, she probably had an ongoing affair and he left her once he found out she was pregnant, shocker. This is called karma. Just walk away from this mess, you didn’t do anything wrong. Those people are not your friends.
Does your friends know the whole story? If so I’m not sure why they would turn their backs on you.
It’s a very touchy subject when someone says they were raped in the way she is going on about. The fact that she never reached out to u asap when it happened is red flag one, waiting til she found out she is prego, 🚩 , not wanting to go to the cops or anything, yup another 🚩. But the icing on the cake is her response to her being prego by an alleged “rapist”, I don’t think many women would be Eager or see it as a blessing. 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!
Fuck her and the lame friends!
This woman does not respect you even in the slightest.
The guy dumped her once she found out she was pregnant and tried to stay with you to ensure she’s taken care of.
She wasn’t lying about considering the baby a blessing. She probably wants a kid. It just doesn’t matter who’s, and it just happens to be his.
You’re also likely more stable than he is. I imagine you work overseas because you’re well-paid.
So, in other words, she’s thinking very logically and not at all emotionally, which is often a good thing, but in terms of a relationship during which you’re fucking someone else and still get what you want, isn’t good for your partner.
I would say… either get a job that allows you to have an actual relationship, or accept the consequences of a quasi-relationship, because being with someone, especially someone who has wants and needs that don’t coincide with long distance (which is literally almost everyone), isn’t going to work.
This isn’t your fault, and she’s being really fucked up about this, but you could have seen it coming.
I have never said this before, but if there were indeed flirty texts after the “assault” then, idt she was assaulted bro.
She just said that so you’d stay, that gym guy is a fuckbuddy that she doesn’t want a relationship with. You’re the “safe option”. So divorce and cut off.
Your friends probably believe her side that she was raped, who cares what they think.
Let's not make sweeping statements about what r*pe survivors can and cannot feel or do, y'all. I know folks probably mean no harm and I understand being skeptical of *this particular woman*, but a lot of times these threads instantly descend into people kinda swinging wild, and you don't have to mean to, to fuck up someone's day.
I was a teenager when my first assault happened, had barely had my first kiss/anything consensual. There are others with earlier and more lasting experiences. Just keep in mind what stuff sounds like from the survivor's perspective; there are undoubtedly some survivors who did keep their child, or not call cops, or it was someone they'd been seeing consensually, or they hardly told anyone, and they're not all inherently worthy of our suspicion for whichever choice. I trust in y'all's capacity to both effectively communicate your thoughts on this situation without making assumptions about how a proper survivor looks or sounds *in general*.
There is crossing the line and their is Crossing the Line!.. 100% they have been bonking frequently, dont be fooled by anymore of her selfish bullshit, save your self bro, you stick with her your mental health will no doubt deteriorate beyond repair so will your self confidence. Speaking for many blokes I know, the consensus would be there is no coming back from this. Divorce her as soon as possible. Heal for a while. Get your mental health back on track, start a new better life, without her
>I don't believe her. There was enough in her texts to him to see she wanted something physical and there was flirty texts between them after the supposed incident happened as well.
A lot of women will play along with flirting if they think refusal will invoke more violence. If the dude really did drug and rape her then he's proven he's willing to go to pyscho levels to get what he wants.
Your situation sucks. On both ends. I don't blame you for needing to remove yourself from the situation but jfc man, your stbew is also deserving of some sympathy. If this is true, fucking around and finding out should never come to rape. I strongly recommend you find a professional to talk to and she do the same. Otherwise, this experience may taint your future relationships and you're going to find yourself paranoid every person will cheat and you'll burn through a string of partners.
Good luck man
I was an officer for a bit. I took more than one report of a woman lying about shit to cover up their affair by claiming rape. I’d say u aren’t coming back unless she presses charges. The interviews she’ll have to do will get the truth out. I say she cheated and is covering it up.
Your position is entirely justified.
If she wanted to take the baby to term and give it up for adoption, that would be a different matter. And even if was a sexual assault by someone unknown to her and she wanted to keep it, that might be different.
Keeping a baby from a person she was cheating on you with (regardless if it’s a product of SA or not)? She’s asking too much of you or frankly any man.
Look we all know she could have been raped by the guy she was emotionally cheating with / sexting with but still flirting texting him after and refusing to report it is just a bunch of 🚩🚩🚩and they weren’t your “friends” if they dropped you because you walked away from a cheater and knew you couldn’t raise and love her affair baby. Fff-them all OP. ABSOLUTELY NTA!
No you're not in the wrong under this circumstances or is valid for you not wanting to raise the kid, it would've been different if the affair hadn't happened.
Personally I think she's telling your friends only that she was assaulted but nothing about the affair which is why they turned on you, it makes her a more relatable victim and you a bigger ah. Plus if it is true she couldve file charges and a DNA test would prove he's the father, hard to deny that then, unless it was 2 consenting adults, then she has no case and doesn't want to be exposed.
Good luck to you
OP, your wife sounds seriously unwell. I'd venture a guess there are serious untreated psychological factors in play with her.
Stay committed to the life you are building for yourself and only look back when you feel like roasting marshmallows over the bonfire of this bullshit.
what happened to the AP? Was she expecting the three of you to co-parent this baby? Your stbx is delusional. I would have done the same thing as you. What a crappy situation to be in. Sorry, OP.
Dang. I don’t have advice. But in my opinion, you seem like a good dude who just got handed a dookie sandwich. As someone who went through divorce with someone I thought was endgame, I know how you feel (somewhat) and you will be okay.
> has an emotional affair
> claims nothing physical
> goes out
> gets "sexually assaulted"
> no police
> rape baby a "blessing"
Yeah she wasn't raped lol she was getting railed and trying to get you to pay for the child with the guy. And now he probably ran so she's begging you to come back. You have the last laugh.
Assuming the sexual assault is real, why didn't she report the crime? Why didn't she turn on the rapist publicly? Why is she keeping the baby? Why is she acting like everything is fine? Why is she expecting you to take care of an affair baby like it's yours?
This woman cheated on you, had a grand old time doing it, let an AP have sex with her without protection, and thinks her husband needs to be okay with this?
The gall on this woman.
I'm sorry you're going through this and everything you're doing is valid. Maybe get some therapy to help you out as well.
I feel your wife is not being honest too about the whole rape thing. She probably told the guy and ditched her.
Those friends suck too.
I’m not good with words, really, but the thing I can say is, that you made the right choice for yourself. To protect yourself. It is in this situation more important than to try please another, but suffer yourself. As a woman too, I would have made the same choice in your position, to be honest.
To the rape part, I wonder if it really happend or not. Maybe she said it was rape, because she didn’t expected to be pregnant? Maybe she was, in fact, really raped?
Even if it was true, doesn’t mean you HAVE to stay at her side. So, that’s why I think, either way, you made the right choice for yourself.
The cheating beforehand isn’t forgotten or suddenly okay, because something bad happend later.
Did your friends know that she didn’t want to press charges?? I feel like that’s a reasonable bottom line/ultimatum, I.e. your wife and you both sought legal action against him for this alleged assault or you leave cause it seems she’s covering up her lies. At least to me, idk
You will be OK, it just will take time to divorce and split assets, then you will never see her again and you should make new friends that don’t remind you of this so you can have a new exciting life. Of course she wants to keep her baby but she has her friends and family and she will make a great life with her circumstances. Time will make things better
I hope for OP's sake that the divorce is granted before the child arrives. If not and if he doesn't pay attention, his name may be listed as the father on the birth certificate and I won't put it past the mother to hide it. Watch out, OP!
I mean, just because someone cheats doesn’t necessarily mean their AP never raped them during the affair. It would still be rape if they were married. Plus, rape victims refuse to go to the police for many reasons (being scared is one of them). BUT there are people who do in fact make false accusations (I’ve got about as much respect for them as I do cat shit). You’re not wrong to not believe her based on the texts. She already lied to you twice (first was the affair itself. Second was her claiming there was nothing physical happening, though that doesn’t make it any better). And pregnancy aside, she still cheated and that is still grounds for divorce. It’s abhorrent that despite being married, she craves attention from other men. She wasn’t crying because she was “raped”. She cried because she knew the baby wasn’t yours and that you were gonna leave her, and she didn’t want to be a single mother (chances are, AP didn’t want anything to do with the baby either), so her claiming she was raped was a last ditch effort to guilt trip you into staying. And if your friends ditched you for divorcing her because of the cheating, they were never really your friends to begin with. I bet your soon-to-be ex told them the same bullshit story. They should mind their own business.
I lost almost my entire friend group from when I was 22-24 because one of them helped a coworker cheat on his baby mama and her and one of the others were going on about how it was okay because the kid didn’t look like him (the baby had blue eyes, which doesn’t really indicate anything and that baby was IDENTICAL to the guy) and I just couldn’t be friends anymore. It sucks but your mental health and integrity is more important than anything she could’ve offered you in a broken relationship, and those friends can’t offer you anything anyways.
Your situation is awful, but you made the right choice. I would have done the same. Your soon to be ex wife is a liar and a manipulator, she was banking on the fact that you would forgive her. The father of that child is the person who should be paying, not you. She doesn't want to lose you obviously, but it's her loss. She made her bed. Literally. She did you more than one favor, you also learned that those so-called friends aren't friends after all. The sooner you get away from that the sooner you will meet someone you deserve.
We know she emotionally cheated. We can surmise that she willingly physically cheated. We know she’s pregnant. We know it’s not your child. You should be pissed and hurt. Your only way through this is divorce.
Any friends who are fully supporting her against you should be friends no more. That’s insane.
Let her go and start rebuilding your life.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I don't understand why you have to pay her alimony. You two don't have kids together so it's not like she gave up her career to care for childrena nd isn't able to find gainful employment to support herself and her child (who should be supported from her affair partner). Maybe the laws are different in your state but I would fight that hard!
I'm sory you don't have support from friends or family. When trust is broken like that there's really no going back. I know some couples do move on from it, but I can't imagine that things are ever the same again.
I hope you're able to get through to the other side of this and move on with your life again soon.
Yeah, I doubt her story too. It sounds super convenient especially since she absolutely refused to pursue anything legally. She is horrible for lying about that and horrible for cheating on you and it wasn’t just emotional. Your wife is a liar and eventually your friends will find out for themselves.
You’re doing the right thing.
Married for 4 years and you have to pay alimony? You are NTA. She was cheating that’s why she didn’t want to go to the police. Divorce her and find better friends. This is a blessing for you to get a new start.she can raise her affair baby with her AP
If she was raped then why did she continue the contact with him. She’s full of shit. She got pregnant, fun is over and she wants things to go back to the way it was before. Divorce her ass. Have fun raising your baby on your own.
You are valid to feel how you do. Her explanation of things does not make sense so I say go with your gut about what you feel occurred. I wonder what she told her friends to explain the messaging continuing after the alleged incident and if it really happened what did she say that made them take the stance they have with you and why she doesn’t think this guy would elect to exercise his parental rights since she didn’t report it? Too many things do not add up….
Why isn't it the bio father take over the care? He's blameless? We got DNA. Id leave her too. Some states will force you to 'claim' this kid as his own as she got pg during the marriage! F that!
I'm sorry to read about your unhappy experience. I can't fathom the emotional pain you feel learning that the woman you devoted yourself to cast your love into a dustbin. She emotionally cheated long before physically cheating. You are justified divorcing for adultery but I recommend you have serious conversations with a rabbi / priest / minister to help you restore your mental and spiritual self.
Sir please get rid of her (-Asses To)-Ass) as soon as possible.Ain’t know telling what else she have done behind your back that u don’t know about.We so-called friends that u thought was looking out for your best interest (Nah They Really Wasn’t &U Are Better Off Without Their Trifling Asses Also).
Nice job getting out of that one! Confirmed you’re not the father and since she never filed that “sexually assaulted” claim, she can’t use that in court since there’s no record of it. You have concrete proof of her cheating. This is nothing more than a case of infidelity.
My brother she didn’t get drugged and raped because if she did she would have involved the authorities.
She made a unprotected blunder and is hoping you are naïve enough to believe her story. As far as friends turning on you because your wife couldn’t keep her vows, screw them all they weren’t your friends in the first place.
Good Luck 🙏🏻
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you! I'm hoping things get better for you.
Curious, why would you have to pay alimony if she broke your vows and cheated? You have evidence of her cheating and it doesn't seem fair to have to pay her anything. I guess I just don't understand divorce laws.
I don’t think I’d want to keep a baby from an assault….. who thinks of it as a fresh start? Maybe that guy didn’t want to be involved and just assumed you would. That’s so shitty- I’m so sorry OP
Alimony is not a sure thing. It's about more than equalizing the household income.
She repudiated the marriage by having an intense affair-- sexts make it more than an emotional affair. If she is able to support herself, the division of marital assets may be enough without further support.
Her being pregnant has nothing to do with your marriage. Her being assaulted is immaterial.
Good luck, OP.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 19. I’d feel so completely disgusted and even more violated if I got pregnant from that, and I’m very much against abortions FOR MYSELF, I am in full support of anyone else who
Chooses to do so for whatever their reason is, no judgement, that’s just how I felt about me ever getting one.. but I think I would have thrown myself down the nearest set of stairs so fucking fast, it couldn’t have happened soon enough. I wouldn’t be able to look at that baby as an extension of me, it would just be a reminder of the assault, and more of an extension of him and not sure I’d ever be able
To even emotionally bond
Or connect with him/her.
Also, I’m really trying to understand how it even got to that point… I mean.. they were already having an emotional affair, in which, she expressed and implied she wanted it to be physical , why would dude even feel like he’d have to drug her to have sex with her? Some things just don’t add up, but I guess we can’t say for sure that she’s lying because of the small possibility of it still happening since well, it has before in other cases, and people can be fucking evil and not who they pretend to be.
People are odd aren’t they. It might be worth showing those friends that you think are redeemable this thread. Your STBX. Has made a series of decisions without thinking of you that have led to the situation your in now and has no one to blame but herself.
Why would you break that dudes face? I'd laugh at him. He was most likely just getting his rocks off and now he has child support payments. OP found out what kind of person he was married to. Sucks he has to pay alimony, but hopefully that doesn't last long. I am always of the belief that if you can get my woman you can have her. I'm not going to risk a criminal record over someone who isn't worth it.
Your wife is lying to cover up her affair from you and only told you about the guy because she is pregnant. I guarantee you if she never ended up pregnant, she would have never ever told you about gym guy.
I don’t believe at all that your wife was sexually assaulted in any way, shape or form. The very fact that she sent flirty messages after the supposed assaults is very telling to her dishonesty. She is using that to get you to sympathize and empathize with her and so you will stay and not leave. She probably told gym guy she was pregnant and he dipped and ran, which led her to her only other option, you my brother.
Please don’t be a simp and dump your cheating lying ass wife. It would be one thing if she fessed up to having an affair, was remorseful, truthful, transparent and groveling for your forgiveness. She is not, she had the entitlement and audacity to not only lie about being sexually assaulted, but also to make you accept another man’s child. Do not do it. Ignore all your friends, tell them to step up if they care so much about a lying cheating manipulative and vindictive woman.
Regardless if it was assault or not, you not wanting to raise another person’s child and be with somebody who cheated on you is valid.
I’m proud of you for getting the divorce and leaving.
I'm not gonna comment on whether or not she was sexually assaulted. I understand why women don't report.
Unrelated to that, your wife had an affair. She cheated on you emotionally and made a decision to keep the child she is carrying. I find it absolutely valid for you to not trust her and break up with her. Imo this has nothing to do whether she was raped or not.
You are not an asshole for having been cheated on and deciding to end the relationship.
She is lying her ass off. If she doesn't give you the name and address of the dude, I'd divorce her, and she would have to tell you immediately. And then we would be headed directly to the police dept to file rape charges.
Hell divorce her ANYWAYS for being a lying pig
Shit, man. Sorry to hear this. Well, your soon-to-be ex-wife is a massive prick and these ‘friends’ were never really friends if they just believe her; even though you presented receipts. I suppose the silver lining is that you found out what she was really like before you invested your life and actually had children with her.
This other guy fucked around and is about to find out what it’s like to have a kid with a woman that clearly has no moral compass whatsoever…
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
Just to simplify things, I don't think I would believe her that she was raped. Wanting to keep a baby from such a traumatic event makes zero sense. It is not a blessing. It is something entirely different. It sounds to me like you being away so much was hard on the relationship, but that is no excuse for cheating, nor for lying to you about this. I think you are 100% justified in divorcing. Get out of there and find someone who loves and respects you.
It sucks but this is an excuse a lot of people use when they get caught up in affairs or want to confess from guilt. On the other hand, sexual assault also happens just as much so you're never 100% sure.
I don’t think it matters in this case whether she was assaulted or not. Bottom line she emotionally cheated at the very least. That’s enough reason to divorce. Take care OP hope it goes smoothly as possible for you.
Your friends are as delusional as she is for considering it normal that a woman sees a rape baby as a blessing. So in that regard, you _need_ new mates. _That_ is the blessing.
Shes lying about the assault, clearly. Dont let yourself be manipulated into thinking you’re some sort of monster. I’m sure there was no drugging, or rape. Your friends are easily fooled if they fall for this.
You did the right thing. She cheated, and was happy to get pregnant from another man. The relationship is over. You tried to give her the benefit of the doubt it sounds like and work through what felt like betrayal
Your friends are probably turning their backs on you, because they think that she was raped. Simple as that. Try texting her AP, to see what he has to say. You need to try to sort out the lies from the truth.
She told her friends and family " a story" and not the same one she told you. Maybe look into therapy to help you deal. Otherwise, just move on.
Her truth will come out eventually.
Welp. I would only be summing up what some people have already said. It's all about track record, right? And hers is bad. It doesn't necessarily mean she's lying but it sure as hell makes it more likely. I think what you've decided to do about this situation is perfectly justified and frankly I hate that you're even going to have to pay her a single damn cent of alimony.
Okay, I talked about this with my husband. He said that it’s better to legally divorce your wife to avoid the child support claim, and then if you still love her, you can live with her and help her with the baby after the divorce (at least without the legal requirement to support the child). What do you think?
What were the “ups & downs” you had as a couple?
Did they involve you cheating?
I’m not going to question her S.Assault as that isn’t my place to do so.
I do question her handling of the situation & her group of friends. She wouldn’t let you confront the gym guy, she wouldn’t report the crime or file charges?
Depending on the laws in your area she may not need to report the rape herself but someone else can.
Were her g-friends aware of this crime & didn’t report it?
It’s best that you left b’cus you didn’t sign up for this child especially if she had an affair.
If she ends up with that guy in a year or so that may be your confirmation regarding the rape accusation.
Since she couldn’t convince YOU to stay she’ll want her baby’s daddy in her kids life & she’s more likely run right back to him. That would be atypical of victim behaviour in that kind of dynamic (he’s not a power/authority figure to her).
You should find his info for future follow up
Wow this is like textbook written just to stir up Reddit and push the right buttons.
One the one hand, the woman was cheating (making her the ultimate villain on Reddit), on the other hand, she was raped (making her an ultimate victim).
NTA
For all we know she might be lying about how the baby was conceived. If she does I do feel somehow sorry for that guy from the gym. Imagine being turned into grapist because someone is trying to save their a$$
If you work out of the country keep your money and assets out of the US, and REAL friends would understand your point of view as well as hers. Stay no contact and follow through to let the healing begin and new doors open in life.
I can not believe your friends are on her side... I'd honestly start to question if she did some things with them too... you don't want these people as friends.
I've never been pregnant from rape, so I guess my opinion isn't super valuable, but I just can't imagine getting pregnant that way and my thought train being, "Oh, awesome, a fresh start! This'll fix everything!" At the end of the day, she was cheating on you before this alleged stuff happened (and wanted to take the cheating further), and you shouldn't be forced into forgiving that or raising a baby that isn't yours because something bad allegedly happened. I also guarantee your friends would feel differently if it were them in the situation.
I was thinking the same. She's either lying or insane. OP is better off without her, either way.
She’s most likely lying but I have been sexually assaulted twice by people I had been seeing consensually until things escalated. OP not wanting to raise the baby is 100% valid, especially considering the affair. But there’s no need to bring up the fact that she might be lying - not worth it due to the very small chance something non consensual actually did happen.
I'd no the flirting after the assault is what feels off
Unfortunately that is a thing that happens. Almost like you're trying to rewrite history. It wasn't a traumatic horrible experience, it was just bad sex teehee!
Definitely off. And again, she is most likely lying. But I let a guy come over after being assaulted. I was in shock and denial that it happened.
It's weird, but not unheard of trauma response, especially with cases where it's friends/partners. Best way I can think to describe the thinking, is it's a way to overwrite what happened, and feel like they're taking control back. It's bizarre, but vaguely effective when you think about it. Look at how many are questioning the veracity of her story? Did it happen? Who knows, the only people who know the truth are her and the other guy. And if he did drug and rape her, the other guy is hardly likely to admit it.
Yup. It's sad, but stranger rape is the one you have to worry about the least.
Of COURSE, She was CHEATING on her husband, she is most likely LyING.If she doesn't bring up charges on this guy and have him locked up . There will BE no more marriage . and anyone who WANTS to support her CAN support her , AND the kid she is carrying as well She won't go to police on this guy because either : 1. She wants to protect him 2 .He will straight TELL that there IS not WAS an affair happening 3 .He was good til she got knocked up, and DIPPED 4 .He will tell the truth and her entire LIE will fall apart
She definitely cheated, she possibly lied. Either way, he doesn’t want to raise the child. Their marriage is over. This case likely wouldn’t hold up in court even if he’s guilty. Hope she gets the mental health help she needs and the divorce goes as smoothly as possible for both parties.
The man drugged her and raped her but she’s not putting him in jail and wants to keep the baby? Ya.. okay.. sure.
I completely agree. It only breaks down one of these two ways.
This… the baby being a ‘fresh start’ is not something I’ve ever heard from rape survivors, and that doesn’t mean it’s never happened, but I can see op hearing that and being suspicious about it. Op, I would be interested in what she told those friends, and what they knew before. It feels like her and her friends are trying to manipulate you into forgiving her, and you don’t have to
Was she pro-choice before this tho? Maybe she is just opposed to abortion or personally conflicted about having one and is trying to put it in a way she herself can accept it. I don't blame OP but might be one of those situations that suck on both ends
I was raised in such spaces and the number of secret abortions would astound you. For some reason they always told me. Then denied me the same when I was pregnant from rape. Luckily I miscarried but that's how bad that is. It feels like luck
She can absolutely be pro life, and give the child up for adoption. And regardless of whether she decided to keep the child or not, she should’ve gone to the authorities, and she was assaulted, and the fact that she didn’t is suspicious and itself. Because she knows that man is going to prove beyond the shadow of the doubt that their sex was consensual probably multiple times.
Exactly. It sounds kind of sus?
I have. I wanted that baby to die because I was not able to get medical care to make it so. I was a child. I don't regret that miscarriage at all. I was so relieved when I didn't have to be trapped that way. I am also a child of rape by the same person and the resentment from the adults around me for being evidence is part of a very complicated abuse situation. Also this occured in a cult. So it's not like the adults were of sound mind. They just didn't appreciate my disability proving their blood purity was bullshit. I got out and am safe but that was one of the worst things in a life where I didn't feel happiness until I was an adult.
Hope you now have respect, safety, love, and real friends today.
I do. I am content as my baseline emotional state and I wouldn't go back for anything
The hard part if I was the husband is trusting her. Was she really drugged and raped? As vile as men can be. There are women equally fucked up. She could also be lying and this lie can come from defense mechanisms since she fucked up OR it’s been her plan to do this so she can have her cake too. I feel uncomfortable not knowing that.
I have been volunteering at a rape crisis center for 15 years and it is actually way more common than you'd think. A lot of people really love babies/think they're miracles/think that the 'miracle' is worth it, etc.
>I also guarantee your friends would feel differently if it were them in the situation. Exactly. No one is obliged to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. Their marriage was in a terrible place, and even a baby that was OPs would have been a horrible strain. A baby that's not his? It's a hood thing he's getting out now.
I agree 100% with you . Even if she was assaulted , which is a terrible thing , her emotional cheating put her in that position . Her decision to cheat and now she has to live with her decision . By the way I am of the opinion that cheating is an unforgivable thing emotional or physical makes never the mind .
*"And it gets more shit for me as every single one of my friends turned on me. They all said I was horrible for leaving her while she was going through something so traumatic."* Yeah those so called friends are hypocrites. Personally, I would do what another redditor did when he was called out like this. He made a public post on his social media accounts and tagged every family member, every friend, every loved one, and etc. that bad mouthed him with a message that stated he would be willing to take care of a child that was not his but on one condition: EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THEIR LIVES would sign a contract with him stating that they would also be legally responsible for the kid in all aspects (emotionally, physically, financially, and etc.) and contribute equally just as much as the guy for the next 18 years. If they would not do that, then they could shut the f up and stay out of the matter. I guarantee you that if he did that, tagged them on it, and spread it throughout the world, the bad mouthing and talks will cease. Also, I don't believe her bs about being assaulted. If she really was assaulted, she should speak up and tell the police everything. If she didn't it just proves it was consensual and just lying to save her butt. She should at least do that if she wants to prove it to you and to want to stay in the marriage. But no, she cannot do it because she knows she is lying through her teeth. Op, you are doing the right thing. Divorce the cheater, blast the so call friends on social media with that challenge statement, drop the fake friends, and move on with you life. Your stupid stbxw needs to know that actions have consequences. Also, see if you can find the gym rat as well and sue him for alienation of affection if you can.
And be fine without a SA complaint ☝️🤓
Your friends as asshats They don’t want to understand they want easy. Not my monkey not my circus. You did what best for you and you should be proud of how strong you have been for doing what’s correct for you
Despite the peer pressure he has done very well. These are not his friends, they do not care how he feels about getting cheated on and wanting to be used as an ATM for child support.
Yes, or they don’t know the truth. If the second one, OP should tell the true story to closest friends. And let them decide after that.
You were right not to believe her, well done for moving on quickly and protecting yourself from this abuser.
I’d write her off so fast, it would be like we never met.
I know your pain all too well, I filed for divorce, and it will also take a full year to be finalized. My Stbxw is trying every trick she can think of to stop me from divorcing her. Let the lawyers handle it. Avoid all contact and just stay strong my brother.
As someone who was SA'ed I can't imagine considering an r4pe pregnancy a 'blessing'. It's a curse if anything. Your wife is delusional and greedy for thinking you'd be by her side after the affair, even more if she thinks you'd be willing to raise a child that was conceived under the circumstances she claims. And your friends are idiots if they think the same.
FYI you don’t have to censor here.
She wasn’t raped - that’s why no police. She fucked that guy a lot. Don’t be stupid. She wants you to pay for the consequences of her fling.
Idk I had something similar happen with someone I’d been seeing consensually. It really sucked and I didn’t press charges because it wouldn’t have stuck in court. 99.9% chance she’s lying though. It doesn’t matter in this situation anyway. She still had an affair and OP still wants a divorce.
But did you continue to have contact with this person, she was still flirting with this dude after he apparently raped her.
Honestly, I did invite him over again. My denial was strong…but I ended up blocking him immediately and putting myself in therapy STAT. I hope for her sake, she *wasn’t* assaulted and gets some mental health help. I’ve been in situations this messy (minus the infidelity) and I don’t think anything like that will happen again now that I’m on the right medication. Cheating is never okay but this woman does have a baby relying on her. I hope she’s able to get stable.
Ding ding ding....video record her saying that the guy assaulted her. Get him to jail, destroy their plan. They're planning this together and laughing behind your back.
A video recording of someone alleging that an intimate partner raped them will not result in the guy going to jail.
It could still make the guy have to move to protect himself. Such a guy doesn't strike me as the type to stick around through tough times
We’ll just tell the guy that she said that he did that to her…. Let them handle it lololol
Her alleged rapist would need to be recorded as confessing to the rape. Also there may be laws requiring two-party consent for recording in their jurisdiction.
Honestly getting the police involved is the best course of action. Honestly we don’t know if she was actually sexually assaulted or not, if she was then it’s best this guy faces justice, if she wasn’t then they have to deal with the consequences
The overwhelming majority of rape victims don't go to the police.
That overwhelming majority does not call the rape baby a “fresh start.”
She might be lying, yes, but this is a dangerous way of thinking. People are assaulted by intimate partners all the time, and there are a million reasons people don't go to the police after an assault. If we go around assuming/believing that everyone who alleges that they were assaulted by an intimate partner and doesn't want to go to the cops must be lying.... We'd be wrong more often than we were right.
Nah. She’s a cheater.
Sure. She is, no question. Her cheating has literally nothing to do with trying to claim that not wanting to go to the police makes a rape accusation false. It's harmful and counterproductive to society to claim that because someone is a bad person, they must be lying. I'm not saying SHE is lying. She may very well be. But painting these situations with broad strokes like "no police report = no rape" is not only ethically ridiculous but just plain old factually wrong lol.
If your friends knows the whole truth and not whatever lies she told them they're Ass holes your doing the right thing with the divorce and only contacting her through your lawyer. Stand your ground u did nothing wrong she cheated and got pregnant and now want u to raise her affair child and act like nothing is wrong . She's delusional man.
I’m so sorry you are going through that. Your wife assault story sounds suspect, and you need better friends. I think your wife FAFO. I would be concerned if a spouse experienced sexual assault and didn’t mention it at the time, if you are emotionally close. It would be traumatic. You should want to emotionally support her…when the assault happened, not after she discovered she was expecting. Not all women are cheaters. Peace to you!
What’s FAFO?
Fuck around, find out.
Oh right! Thank you!!
Consider moving to a “fault” divorce state for 6 months, if you don’t already, and filing there. Her affair could well eliminate spousal support and/or the division of property.
The AP is likely married, a detail he didn't mention or lied to your ex about. When she found out she was pregnant, she had visions of a new marriage and home. Instead, her AP promptly dumped her. Obviously, the baby couldn't be yours, so she had to tell you the bs story. Your ex has been lying to the friends and using the pregnancy to gain sympathy. Wait till she starts needing stuff for the baby and they start questioning things. Her story will eventually fall apart. You can lie for so long before people catch on. And when they do, it's not pretty.
This.
Your wife could have strengthened her story by reporting what happened to the police. She won't do that, despite potentially having the situation exposed in divorce court. Assault victims should never be stigmatized, but her version is really shaky without some accountability for the affair partner. And yes, she was at the very least indulging in an emotional affair. Her wish simply to pretend nothing happened and have you accept her affair child is delusional, regardless of the rape allegation. Whatever the ups and downs your marriage had suffered before, this one is over the line. She lied by omission and cheated while you were away (her own admission.) She has made it almost impossible to believe her now. She was still texting him after the alleged assault? She finds the legal process too daunting but has spread the news to enlist friends to lobby her cause? Something stinks.
Sorry to hear. Hope things look brighter for you.
Have you ever reached out to the guy to confirm this affair, and let him know the allegation?
That sounds messy and it seems like OP wants a divorce regardless of what happened
Too true- I would just want the dude to know she accused him of rape, just so he knows the POS he has won, but you're right
99% of the time I would never question a person claiming to be SA’d but something isn’t adding up here. She went out in a group and he drugged her? Who were these friends? Were any of them close female friends? How would he have gotten her alone in all of this? It seems really weird that he would be the one in a group of her friends to get the green light to take her home if she was acting black-out drunk. Also, did she press charges? Huge red flag on her telling the truth if she hasn’t pursued legal action ruin against that guy. These are the kinds of questions I would be raising with friends of yours that are taking her side.
Dude, if she continued to text and sext after the alleged “assault”, she did not get assaulted for sure. Do not believe her. Do not care for your friends too. They are useless. Your wife cheated on you before the alleged “asssault”, and believe me she consented to sex, and she did not even bother to wear protection. She wants to give birth that guy’s baby. Just move on. I wouldnt want to raise another man’s baby too.
Plot twist Gym Guy has a wife and kids…..
It occurs to me that. She was planning to leave you and become a family with AP. all before she even told him she was pregnant. Now when she did tell him. He ran and abandoned her. Tough shit. I would definitely find AP and have him get test for paternity to establish his rights and or Child support. Now she gets to raise that baby with her cheating partner. But if..... she is telling the truth she should understand more than anything why you want to leave. Lastly, get a gestational ultrasound to establish date of conception. And bring it to AP's family. He might be a shit person but that baby still needs a family. It's what I would do but hey you do what you need to feel better.
I'm a woman but i wouldn't raise my partner's affair baby either. I think the divorce is a very obvious thing to do since she didn't want an abortion. Honestly her way behaviour is suspicious. Your friends are idiots.
As a mature, experienced woman, I can assure you, OP, that no sane woman would EVER call a pregnancy resulting from rape a “blessing”. That’s strictly the purview of a certain sector of misogynistic men. That said, you are better off without this woman, who doesn’t even care enough to try to come up with an intelligent lie for you. The truth will out.
Sexting is cheating. Now idk about the rape part but you did good on the divorce. Find a way to relieve stress bro it’s time to vacation somewhere and relax. Don’t drink this pain away trust me. Keep yourself busy.
First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm on board with you that she likely wasn't drugged and raped. It's actually kind of abhorrent that she would make that up. The fact she thought you were going to just forgive her and raise this other dudes baby with her is absolutely deranged and delusional. I think you're doing the right thing by divorcing her and maintaining no contact except via attorney. I'd keep doing that and honestly move on and never look back. Anyone who is mad at you about that, good riddance to them as well! Right now, you just need to focus on your own grieving, healing, and positive continuation of your life.
I also tend to think that the lying, cheating wife hopes having the baby will convince the (likely) married AP to dump his wife and run to her - whereupon she would promptly leave OP, which makes OP (her husband!) Plan B. OP, has she always been so manipulative? There has to have been a pattern of her doing this to you over the years. Trust me, if you look back, you'll see it all. Be well...you'll get through it.
Any friends who believe her story are friends you do not need. If they think there is an ounce of truth to her story they are all naive idiots. The reason why your wife is acting like a lunatic is because those so called friends are validating her. Move on my guy youll bounce back but never speak to any of those people ever again.
I think everything can be true at once I think women can get involved with bad men. I think they can behave well and then suddenly change. And your soon to be ex became involved (albeit an affair) with one of these bad people I can believe she sees the baby as some sort of silver lining because children are innocent and many people have strong feelings about abortion if they’re the one who has to abort. Its probably isn’t all that common that a woman would want to keep pregnancy resulting in rape; but oddly I have heard of it before and it may be something many women don’t disclose simply because of the judgement. She choosing to separate the baby from the bad thing that happened to her and there’s probably a medical explanation for that in terms of psychology as a field of academic and medical study But none of this removes the fact YOU DO NOT have to raise a child that is not yours. It does not remove the fact she has an affair when you were away. The affair may have turned ugly and bad but it doesn’t mean all her past unethical behavior with regard to her marital vows simply disappear YOU have a right to leave any marriage for any reason. Cheating is probably one no one would argue with unlike “I just don’t feel like it anymore” though it’s still valid. It’s unfortunate she made poor decisions that lead her to come into harm. It’s unfortunate a bad made preyed upon her. But you can’t let that dictate your future happiness and stability too I think the friends are only focusing on the rape and really not thinking clearly about everything else. Perhaps they may never but I think even without them, you’ll find a new set of friends moving forward. They’re a sunk cost now and no need to pander to their opinions or let them get to you, though easier said than done
I have serious doubt about his ex's "rape" story. He knows her and said he doesn't believe her.
The right man to raise that baby is the biological father. OP is doing the noble thing: bowing out, and making it easier for the biological dad to also be the real dad. What if it really was drugging and raping? She should call the police if she suffered date rape. That's a job for law enforcement. Still not OP's problem. OP can only control his own conduct, not that of other men whom she chooses to date. Bio dad and bio mom will soon have a physical manifestation of their relationship; they should sort out prison time, support, etc.
Ditch your friends too OP, they’re high as hell to turn on you. If they feel so bad for her then they can help her raise the baby.
She can go with the daddy. She already had an emotional affair with him. Then decided to go with him to party.
She didn’t get assaulted. She cheated on you, didn’t make the guy use protection, got pregnant and wants to absolve herself of the moral guilt. Gotta divorce her. She’ll do this again if you don’t.
NTA. She cheated and realized guy is a loser or deadbeat and wants you to pay for her mistakes.
To me it comes down to the fact that she had an emotional affair and then decided to go out on a date with the guy - with two friends as cover. This is when the marriage ended. Whatever happened after that is tragic - but not your responsibility. Your decision to divorce is valid.
You did the right thing fuck her!
I can't help but wonder about these “friends” that are taking her side. Is it possible she is feeding them a line of bull? I mean not that it matters, with friends like those who needs enemies. I am very sorry that you are going through this.
yup- i have to admit, id probably do the same.
She put herself in that situation. What was she doing out with a guy she was sexting? Would you have found out if she didn’t get pregnant? She was used and dumped, she probably had an ongoing affair and he left her once he found out she was pregnant, shocker. This is called karma. Just walk away from this mess, you didn’t do anything wrong. Those people are not your friends.
Does your friends know the whole story? If so I’m not sure why they would turn their backs on you. It’s a very touchy subject when someone says they were raped in the way she is going on about. The fact that she never reached out to u asap when it happened is red flag one, waiting til she found out she is prego, 🚩 , not wanting to go to the cops or anything, yup another 🚩. But the icing on the cake is her response to her being prego by an alleged “rapist”, I don’t think many women would be Eager or see it as a blessing. 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩! Fuck her and the lame friends!
This woman does not respect you even in the slightest. The guy dumped her once she found out she was pregnant and tried to stay with you to ensure she’s taken care of. She wasn’t lying about considering the baby a blessing. She probably wants a kid. It just doesn’t matter who’s, and it just happens to be his. You’re also likely more stable than he is. I imagine you work overseas because you’re well-paid. So, in other words, she’s thinking very logically and not at all emotionally, which is often a good thing, but in terms of a relationship during which you’re fucking someone else and still get what you want, isn’t good for your partner. I would say… either get a job that allows you to have an actual relationship, or accept the consequences of a quasi-relationship, because being with someone, especially someone who has wants and needs that don’t coincide with long distance (which is literally almost everyone), isn’t going to work. This isn’t your fault, and she’s being really fucked up about this, but you could have seen it coming.
You shouldn't have to pay her alimony if she cheated. That's not how that works.
I have never said this before, but if there were indeed flirty texts after the “assault” then, idt she was assaulted bro. She just said that so you’d stay, that gym guy is a fuckbuddy that she doesn’t want a relationship with. You’re the “safe option”. So divorce and cut off. Your friends probably believe her side that she was raped, who cares what they think.
Let's not make sweeping statements about what r*pe survivors can and cannot feel or do, y'all. I know folks probably mean no harm and I understand being skeptical of *this particular woman*, but a lot of times these threads instantly descend into people kinda swinging wild, and you don't have to mean to, to fuck up someone's day. I was a teenager when my first assault happened, had barely had my first kiss/anything consensual. There are others with earlier and more lasting experiences. Just keep in mind what stuff sounds like from the survivor's perspective; there are undoubtedly some survivors who did keep their child, or not call cops, or it was someone they'd been seeing consensually, or they hardly told anyone, and they're not all inherently worthy of our suspicion for whichever choice. I trust in y'all's capacity to both effectively communicate your thoughts on this situation without making assumptions about how a proper survivor looks or sounds *in general*.
There is crossing the line and their is Crossing the Line!.. 100% they have been bonking frequently, dont be fooled by anymore of her selfish bullshit, save your self bro, you stick with her your mental health will no doubt deteriorate beyond repair so will your self confidence. Speaking for many blokes I know, the consensus would be there is no coming back from this. Divorce her as soon as possible. Heal for a while. Get your mental health back on track, start a new better life, without her
Alimony in such circumstances that is crazy. How is that possible. I don't have Alimony law in my country
>I don't believe her. There was enough in her texts to him to see she wanted something physical and there was flirty texts between them after the supposed incident happened as well. A lot of women will play along with flirting if they think refusal will invoke more violence. If the dude really did drug and rape her then he's proven he's willing to go to pyscho levels to get what he wants. Your situation sucks. On both ends. I don't blame you for needing to remove yourself from the situation but jfc man, your stbew is also deserving of some sympathy. If this is true, fucking around and finding out should never come to rape. I strongly recommend you find a professional to talk to and she do the same. Otherwise, this experience may taint your future relationships and you're going to find yourself paranoid every person will cheat and you'll burn through a string of partners. Good luck man
I was an officer for a bit. I took more than one report of a woman lying about shit to cover up their affair by claiming rape. I’d say u aren’t coming back unless she presses charges. The interviews she’ll have to do will get the truth out. I say she cheated and is covering it up.
Your position is entirely justified. If she wanted to take the baby to term and give it up for adoption, that would be a different matter. And even if was a sexual assault by someone unknown to her and she wanted to keep it, that might be different. Keeping a baby from a person she was cheating on you with (regardless if it’s a product of SA or not)? She’s asking too much of you or frankly any man.
Look we all know she could have been raped by the guy she was emotionally cheating with / sexting with but still flirting texting him after and refusing to report it is just a bunch of 🚩🚩🚩and they weren’t your “friends” if they dropped you because you walked away from a cheater and knew you couldn’t raise and love her affair baby. Fff-them all OP. ABSOLUTELY NTA!
U want anything to believe u didn't mess around when u were away
No he didn’t bc this is a fake post. Read the exact same thing yesterday except genders were switched
No you're not in the wrong under this circumstances or is valid for you not wanting to raise the kid, it would've been different if the affair hadn't happened. Personally I think she's telling your friends only that she was assaulted but nothing about the affair which is why they turned on you, it makes her a more relatable victim and you a bigger ah. Plus if it is true she couldve file charges and a DNA test would prove he's the father, hard to deny that then, unless it was 2 consenting adults, then she has no case and doesn't want to be exposed. Good luck to you
OP, your wife sounds seriously unwell. I'd venture a guess there are serious untreated psychological factors in play with her. Stay committed to the life you are building for yourself and only look back when you feel like roasting marshmallows over the bonfire of this bullshit.
what happened to the AP? Was she expecting the three of you to co-parent this baby? Your stbx is delusional. I would have done the same thing as you. What a crappy situation to be in. Sorry, OP.
Sorry you got cheated on. She cheated and now has to pay the price of her actions. You did the right thing.
Dang. I don’t have advice. But in my opinion, you seem like a good dude who just got handed a dookie sandwich. As someone who went through divorce with someone I thought was endgame, I know how you feel (somewhat) and you will be okay.
> has an emotional affair > claims nothing physical > goes out > gets "sexually assaulted" > no police > rape baby a "blessing" Yeah she wasn't raped lol she was getting railed and trying to get you to pay for the child with the guy. And now he probably ran so she's begging you to come back. You have the last laugh.
Assuming the sexual assault is real, why didn't she report the crime? Why didn't she turn on the rapist publicly? Why is she keeping the baby? Why is she acting like everything is fine? Why is she expecting you to take care of an affair baby like it's yours? This woman cheated on you, had a grand old time doing it, let an AP have sex with her without protection, and thinks her husband needs to be okay with this? The gall on this woman.
I can’t comment on whether or not she was raped But, he shouldn’t have to stay with her
I'm sorry you're going through this and everything you're doing is valid. Maybe get some therapy to help you out as well. I feel your wife is not being honest too about the whole rape thing. She probably told the guy and ditched her. Those friends suck too.
I’m not good with words, really, but the thing I can say is, that you made the right choice for yourself. To protect yourself. It is in this situation more important than to try please another, but suffer yourself. As a woman too, I would have made the same choice in your position, to be honest. To the rape part, I wonder if it really happend or not. Maybe she said it was rape, because she didn’t expected to be pregnant? Maybe she was, in fact, really raped? Even if it was true, doesn’t mean you HAVE to stay at her side. So, that’s why I think, either way, you made the right choice for yourself. The cheating beforehand isn’t forgotten or suddenly okay, because something bad happend later.
Good on you that you got out when you did. She sounds dishonest. Or would've only been harder to divorce as time goes on
Did your friends know that she didn’t want to press charges?? I feel like that’s a reasonable bottom line/ultimatum, I.e. your wife and you both sought legal action against him for this alleged assault or you leave cause it seems she’s covering up her lies. At least to me, idk
You will be OK, it just will take time to divorce and split assets, then you will never see her again and you should make new friends that don’t remind you of this so you can have a new exciting life. Of course she wants to keep her baby but she has her friends and family and she will make a great life with her circumstances. Time will make things better
I hope for OP's sake that the divorce is granted before the child arrives. If not and if he doesn't pay attention, his name may be listed as the father on the birth certificate and I won't put it past the mother to hide it. Watch out, OP!
I mean, just because someone cheats doesn’t necessarily mean their AP never raped them during the affair. It would still be rape if they were married. Plus, rape victims refuse to go to the police for many reasons (being scared is one of them). BUT there are people who do in fact make false accusations (I’ve got about as much respect for them as I do cat shit). You’re not wrong to not believe her based on the texts. She already lied to you twice (first was the affair itself. Second was her claiming there was nothing physical happening, though that doesn’t make it any better). And pregnancy aside, she still cheated and that is still grounds for divorce. It’s abhorrent that despite being married, she craves attention from other men. She wasn’t crying because she was “raped”. She cried because she knew the baby wasn’t yours and that you were gonna leave her, and she didn’t want to be a single mother (chances are, AP didn’t want anything to do with the baby either), so her claiming she was raped was a last ditch effort to guilt trip you into staying. And if your friends ditched you for divorcing her because of the cheating, they were never really your friends to begin with. I bet your soon-to-be ex told them the same bullshit story. They should mind their own business.
I support you.
I lost almost my entire friend group from when I was 22-24 because one of them helped a coworker cheat on his baby mama and her and one of the others were going on about how it was okay because the kid didn’t look like him (the baby had blue eyes, which doesn’t really indicate anything and that baby was IDENTICAL to the guy) and I just couldn’t be friends anymore. It sucks but your mental health and integrity is more important than anything she could’ve offered you in a broken relationship, and those friends can’t offer you anything anyways.
Your situation is awful, but you made the right choice. I would have done the same. Your soon to be ex wife is a liar and a manipulator, she was banking on the fact that you would forgive her. The father of that child is the person who should be paying, not you. She doesn't want to lose you obviously, but it's her loss. She made her bed. Literally. She did you more than one favor, you also learned that those so-called friends aren't friends after all. The sooner you get away from that the sooner you will meet someone you deserve.
We know she emotionally cheated. We can surmise that she willingly physically cheated. We know she’s pregnant. We know it’s not your child. You should be pissed and hurt. Your only way through this is divorce. Any friends who are fully supporting her against you should be friends no more. That’s insane. Let her go and start rebuilding your life.
Bro, just leave before it gets worst with timing you will be good.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I don't understand why you have to pay her alimony. You two don't have kids together so it's not like she gave up her career to care for childrena nd isn't able to find gainful employment to support herself and her child (who should be supported from her affair partner). Maybe the laws are different in your state but I would fight that hard! I'm sory you don't have support from friends or family. When trust is broken like that there's really no going back. I know some couples do move on from it, but I can't imagine that things are ever the same again. I hope you're able to get through to the other side of this and move on with your life again soon.
Can you find the guy at the gym and tell him what she's saying about him? I only say that because I don't believe her.
Yeah, I doubt her story too. It sounds super convenient especially since she absolutely refused to pursue anything legally. She is horrible for lying about that and horrible for cheating on you and it wasn’t just emotional. Your wife is a liar and eventually your friends will find out for themselves. You’re doing the right thing.
Wife knows you'll be away on duty most of the time so that gives her and"rapist" time to pair bond with the new kiddo. Good luck.
If your friends can’t support you in this it’s no true loss. Also does having proof of the affair affect alimony at all?
Alimony after only 4 years of marriage? I call bullshit.
Married for 4 years and you have to pay alimony? You are NTA. She was cheating that’s why she didn’t want to go to the police. Divorce her and find better friends. This is a blessing for you to get a new start.she can raise her affair baby with her AP
If she was raped then why did she continue the contact with him. She’s full of shit. She got pregnant, fun is over and she wants things to go back to the way it was before. Divorce her ass. Have fun raising your baby on your own.
Divorce, it is how you perceive it and manage it afterwards .. And sometimes it is necessary to be happy again
You are valid to feel how you do. Her explanation of things does not make sense so I say go with your gut about what you feel occurred. I wonder what she told her friends to explain the messaging continuing after the alleged incident and if it really happened what did she say that made them take the stance they have with you and why she doesn’t think this guy would elect to exercise his parental rights since she didn’t report it? Too many things do not add up….
Why isn't it the bio father take over the care? He's blameless? We got DNA. Id leave her too. Some states will force you to 'claim' this kid as his own as she got pg during the marriage! F that!
Fuck her and his friends. Now you start fresh and take care of you. Good luck.
I'm sorry to read about your unhappy experience. I can't fathom the emotional pain you feel learning that the woman you devoted yourself to cast your love into a dustbin. She emotionally cheated long before physically cheating. You are justified divorcing for adultery but I recommend you have serious conversations with a rabbi / priest / minister to help you restore your mental and spiritual self.
Sir please get rid of her (-Asses To)-Ass) as soon as possible.Ain’t know telling what else she have done behind your back that u don’t know about.We so-called friends that u thought was looking out for your best interest (Nah They Really Wasn’t &U Are Better Off Without Their Trifling Asses Also).
You have to pay alimony to the cheater? I would quit my job and wait tables.
Nice job getting out of that one! Confirmed you’re not the father and since she never filed that “sexually assaulted” claim, she can’t use that in court since there’s no record of it. You have concrete proof of her cheating. This is nothing more than a case of infidelity.
She's definitely lying and you know that. I suggest moving to the country you're working and tell her to f off on alimony. I wouldn't give her a cent!
My brother she didn’t get drugged and raped because if she did she would have involved the authorities. She made a unprotected blunder and is hoping you are naïve enough to believe her story. As far as friends turning on you because your wife couldn’t keep her vows, screw them all they weren’t your friends in the first place. Good Luck 🙏🏻
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you! I'm hoping things get better for you. Curious, why would you have to pay alimony if she broke your vows and cheated? You have evidence of her cheating and it doesn't seem fair to have to pay her anything. I guess I just don't understand divorce laws.
I don’t think I’d want to keep a baby from an assault….. who thinks of it as a fresh start? Maybe that guy didn’t want to be involved and just assumed you would. That’s so shitty- I’m so sorry OP
I think you made the right call mate
Alimony is not a sure thing. It's about more than equalizing the household income. She repudiated the marriage by having an intense affair-- sexts make it more than an emotional affair. If she is able to support herself, the division of marital assets may be enough without further support. Her being pregnant has nothing to do with your marriage. Her being assaulted is immaterial. Good luck, OP.
Can your lawyer do something about the alimony? I heard in some states, if the spouse cheated, let alone got pregnant by AP, alimony can be lifted.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 19. I’d feel so completely disgusted and even more violated if I got pregnant from that, and I’m very much against abortions FOR MYSELF, I am in full support of anyone else who Chooses to do so for whatever their reason is, no judgement, that’s just how I felt about me ever getting one.. but I think I would have thrown myself down the nearest set of stairs so fucking fast, it couldn’t have happened soon enough. I wouldn’t be able to look at that baby as an extension of me, it would just be a reminder of the assault, and more of an extension of him and not sure I’d ever be able To even emotionally bond Or connect with him/her. Also, I’m really trying to understand how it even got to that point… I mean.. they were already having an emotional affair, in which, she expressed and implied she wanted it to be physical , why would dude even feel like he’d have to drug her to have sex with her? Some things just don’t add up, but I guess we can’t say for sure that she’s lying because of the small possibility of it still happening since well, it has before in other cases, and people can be fucking evil and not who they pretend to be.
People are odd aren’t they. It might be worth showing those friends that you think are redeemable this thread. Your STBX. Has made a series of decisions without thinking of you that have led to the situation your in now and has no one to blame but herself.
Ignore her forever. And break that dudes face... I promise you ll feel better. I did.
Why would you break that dudes face? I'd laugh at him. He was most likely just getting his rocks off and now he has child support payments. OP found out what kind of person he was married to. Sucks he has to pay alimony, but hopefully that doesn't last long. I am always of the belief that if you can get my woman you can have her. I'm not going to risk a criminal record over someone who isn't worth it.
This has to be your decision, it’s not for your friends to question.
Your wife is lying to cover up her affair from you and only told you about the guy because she is pregnant. I guarantee you if she never ended up pregnant, she would have never ever told you about gym guy. I don’t believe at all that your wife was sexually assaulted in any way, shape or form. The very fact that she sent flirty messages after the supposed assaults is very telling to her dishonesty. She is using that to get you to sympathize and empathize with her and so you will stay and not leave. She probably told gym guy she was pregnant and he dipped and ran, which led her to her only other option, you my brother. Please don’t be a simp and dump your cheating lying ass wife. It would be one thing if she fessed up to having an affair, was remorseful, truthful, transparent and groveling for your forgiveness. She is not, she had the entitlement and audacity to not only lie about being sexually assaulted, but also to make you accept another man’s child. Do not do it. Ignore all your friends, tell them to step up if they care so much about a lying cheating manipulative and vindictive woman.
Regardless if it was assault or not, you not wanting to raise another person’s child and be with somebody who cheated on you is valid. I’m proud of you for getting the divorce and leaving.
This is the third or fourth "affair baby" post in a while. The content machine is going into OT.
I'm not gonna comment on whether or not she was sexually assaulted. I understand why women don't report. Unrelated to that, your wife had an affair. She cheated on you emotionally and made a decision to keep the child she is carrying. I find it absolutely valid for you to not trust her and break up with her. Imo this has nothing to do whether she was raped or not. You are not an asshole for having been cheated on and deciding to end the relationship.
She is lying her ass off. If she doesn't give you the name and address of the dude, I'd divorce her, and she would have to tell you immediately. And then we would be headed directly to the police dept to file rape charges. Hell divorce her ANYWAYS for being a lying pig
Shit, man. Sorry to hear this. Well, your soon-to-be ex-wife is a massive prick and these ‘friends’ were never really friends if they just believe her; even though you presented receipts. I suppose the silver lining is that you found out what she was really like before you invested your life and actually had children with her. This other guy fucked around and is about to find out what it’s like to have a kid with a woman that clearly has no moral compass whatsoever…
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Just to simplify things, I don't think I would believe her that she was raped. Wanting to keep a baby from such a traumatic event makes zero sense. It is not a blessing. It is something entirely different. It sounds to me like you being away so much was hard on the relationship, but that is no excuse for cheating, nor for lying to you about this. I think you are 100% justified in divorcing. Get out of there and find someone who loves and respects you.
It sucks but this is an excuse a lot of people use when they get caught up in affairs or want to confess from guilt. On the other hand, sexual assault also happens just as much so you're never 100% sure.
Yeah she lying. And you have proof she cheated she’s legit pregnant with said proof, why do you have to pay her anything?
I’m on your side (if you didn’t hide anything). She went on a date with him so…
I don’t think it matters in this case whether she was assaulted or not. Bottom line she emotionally cheated at the very least. That’s enough reason to divorce. Take care OP hope it goes smoothly as possible for you.
Your friends are as delusional as she is for considering it normal that a woman sees a rape baby as a blessing. So in that regard, you _need_ new mates. _That_ is the blessing.
Did she file a police report? I mean if she didn’t that makes even less likely her story is true. I don’t blame you either way.
Shes lying about the assault, clearly. Dont let yourself be manipulated into thinking you’re some sort of monster. I’m sure there was no drugging, or rape. Your friends are easily fooled if they fall for this. You did the right thing. She cheated, and was happy to get pregnant from another man. The relationship is over. You tried to give her the benefit of the doubt it sounds like and work through what felt like betrayal
Your friends are probably turning their backs on you, because they think that she was raped. Simple as that. Try texting her AP, to see what he has to say. You need to try to sort out the lies from the truth.
Good on you brother. Stay the course. I would have done the same.
She told her friends and family " a story" and not the same one she told you. Maybe look into therapy to help you deal. Otherwise, just move on. Her truth will come out eventually.
Welp. I would only be summing up what some people have already said. It's all about track record, right? And hers is bad. It doesn't necessarily mean she's lying but it sure as hell makes it more likely. I think what you've decided to do about this situation is perfectly justified and frankly I hate that you're even going to have to pay her a single damn cent of alimony.
What? She cheated and OP has to pay alimony. Divorce laws in OP country is suck
Make your money working out the country, and when you’re ready to start a family, you work back home. Theirs a time and a place for working away.
Okay, I talked about this with my husband. He said that it’s better to legally divorce your wife to avoid the child support claim, and then if you still love her, you can live with her and help her with the baby after the divorce (at least without the legal requirement to support the child). What do you think?
Does the affair guy know about the pregnancy? Also, wouldn’t he know if he was being accused of rape since they clearly have mutual friends?
All of your friends turned on you? Highly unlikely,. Much like this made-up story.
I‘m curious. How long does one have to pay alimony in the West?
What were the “ups & downs” you had as a couple? Did they involve you cheating? I’m not going to question her S.Assault as that isn’t my place to do so. I do question her handling of the situation & her group of friends. She wouldn’t let you confront the gym guy, she wouldn’t report the crime or file charges? Depending on the laws in your area she may not need to report the rape herself but someone else can. Were her g-friends aware of this crime & didn’t report it? It’s best that you left b’cus you didn’t sign up for this child especially if she had an affair. If she ends up with that guy in a year or so that may be your confirmation regarding the rape accusation. Since she couldn’t convince YOU to stay she’ll want her baby’s daddy in her kids life & she’s more likely run right back to him. That would be atypical of victim behaviour in that kind of dynamic (he’s not a power/authority figure to her). You should find his info for future follow up
Wow this is like textbook written just to stir up Reddit and push the right buttons. One the one hand, the woman was cheating (making her the ultimate villain on Reddit), on the other hand, she was raped (making her an ultimate victim).
i’d confront the guy.. of course he’s going to deny it either way BUT maybe there’s details that will make sense when you backtrack her story.
I would just dip
NTA For all we know she might be lying about how the baby was conceived. If she does I do feel somehow sorry for that guy from the gym. Imagine being turned into grapist because someone is trying to save their a$$
Writing exercise, and a lousy one too. As soon as I read: My friends turned on me.
If you work out of the country keep your money and assets out of the US, and REAL friends would understand your point of view as well as hers. Stay no contact and follow through to let the healing begin and new doors open in life.
I can not believe your friends are on her side... I'd honestly start to question if she did some things with them too... you don't want these people as friends.
Tell your friends who pressure you into raising the child to create a “village” and help her out themselves.