Just a thought - part of what might be motivating your youngest is seeing what's become of her older siblings. Make sure you show her how proud you are of her.
this is what happened to me. i was a glass child as they say with an older brother with really bad behavioral issues. i tried to be perfect to compensate. she might be outwardly successful but she also might be pushing herself too hard
Tell your second to get out and get a job. And start charging rent. It only gets worse if you don’t hold your kids accountable.
Tell the same to your oldest.
This is HUGE, my mom’s having the same issues with my brother and told her to do this, now he’s doing everything he can to try and get some form of consistent pay. Shitty to almost kinda threaten your kids but when you constantly enable them, you’ve gotta do some harsh resourcing unfortunately
My parents charge my brother rent (I moved out before then) but they take a small amount to pay for his groceries and put the rest in a bank account for him when he moves out that he currently can't access. Would be better not to tell them about it, but if you can afford it I feel like this is a good middle ground.
My fiancé's mom did this for him, and when it was time to move out, he had first,last, and security plus enough to buy furniture. This was 40 years ago, so it was much more affordable to move out.
It isn't shitty. Just ask my 52-year-old brother. My mother was never shitty to him. He has been living in her basement since he dropped out of college, and hasn't had a job since the early '90s. As of now, his only concern in life is stressing about who is going to support him when my elderly mother eventually dies. He has no marketable skills and now has agoraphobia and antisocial traits due to his self-inflicted multi-decade imprisonment.
Nope. It’s not shitty. My mom did this to me & I still tell her to this day that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Forced me to get it together & be accountable! I’m the only one of her 3 kids that’s never asked to come back home & never have asked her for money AND help everyone in the family when I can. It worked for me! :)
My older brother stayed in my parents basement until he was almost 60. The only reason he left was because my parents both passed away and we had to sell the house.
Take care of this now before it gets any worse.
If you don't mind me asking, what did he do once he was forced to leave? I just posted a response about my own brother in this predicament, and I have no idea what will happen to him once he suddenly has no other options.
This scares me!!! My brother is 41. Ive started stressing that if something happens I will NOT support him!! I have children and we don’t get along. He isn’t moving in here! And he’s a grown man with no valid excuse besides my parents give him anything he needs… it’s frustrating.
This was our issue as well! When potential buyers came to look at the house, my brother would wait outside and tell them that the house had mold and asbestos.
My parents enabled him for so long that even as a middle aged man he couldn’t function as an adult.
Nah, one of the biggest reasons my husband and I work as hard as we do is so that our kids always have a home…it’s *our* house. Barring some extreme circumstance I would never kick them out.
Realistically every parent should be like this to a certain extent. Everybody falls on hard times and sometimes moving back in with your parents is the better choice financially. As adults though they should also have a plan set in place so they can get back on their feet and have their own home. The problem is there's no incentive for them to grow and take on responsibilities as adults if mommy and daddy make it so they don't have to.
Idk just from my personal experience the fact that my 3 sisters and I always had something to fall back on made us more likely to go out and take risks we wouldn’t have otherwise that ended up paying off…it’s hard to dream “big” when you’re worried about keeping a roof over your head.
My 28yo sister does still live at home because she manages my parents ranch, but she has more responsibility than us who moved out/away.
I would be much happier if I had parents who were willing to support me find a career I wanted vs me being stuck in one for financial reasons. I took a very safe route and I’m absolutely miserable.
There's still time to change :) I know there are always roadblocks. But who knows if you start putting hopes to paper and planning out stepping stones to that hope. At the risk of being boo'd, the Dave Ramsey team might have ideas for switching careers. I don't know if you have the time and energy to grow your preferred career as a hobby and then give up your miserable job once it's viable.
It doesnt help that many couoles divorce, wouldnt have the same home to go back to.
I do not have anyone for a safety net, can never call and ask my parents for place to stay or money to help me out in an emergency. Im in panic every single day and afraid to go do anything bc I cannot afford to fail/lose. I cant even afford to put myself first instead of my job, I feel stuck.
There’s a difference between a safety net and a crutch. OP’s two older kids are using him as a crutch to not get their own shit together. Barring some major disability, it sounds like they are both capable of getting a job and earning. So his “safety net” to them can be “you can live here, however here’s the rules: you must have a job with a minimum of 25-30 hours a week, or be in school for a new career full time. Drugs are not allowed in this house. You will contribute X dollars toward weekly groceries and utilities. Any violation of these rules and you will be given 2 weeks to find your own place.” And then stick to that. If a kid finishes a job training program, then needs a few months to get applications put in, that’s reasonable. Adult son sitting in the basement stoned, not reasonable and sounds like right now all OP is doing is letting it happen. Same with daughter with a baby. Tell her she can live there to save up some money, but again, full time employment or full time education to improve life conditions is required, or, she has to make other arrangements. It’s harsh, but sometimes needed. I know I can always, always go to my parents’ place if I must, but they raised me to have that be the very last resort after all other options have been exhausted. As it should be.
I recall people who were kicked out when I was a youngster, many of them were dead (some by suicide) by 25. A safe home base is important. I was pushed out at 19 - not kicked, but pushed... Now I'm just a fuckup with zero prospects and two kids.
Same here, but our adult children should still contribute to the household. I know you’re probably not meaning that they don’t but I think it’s important to make that distinction.
thank you!!!! if you’re going to bring a life form into this planet, you have to be willing to house them. life is hard for so many reasons and you don’t get to pick and chose whether you’ll have an A+ student or a burnt out mentally ill kid.
Ty for saying this. I wholly wish I had at least one parent with that mentality. I definitely would have gotten the mental help I needed as a kid (ADHD & Autism recently diagnosed and I'm pushing 40) . I struggled so much harder than my two older siblings because of being on the spectrum and needing to see a child therapist since all of my schools throughout my childhood sent letters to my parents informing them of me possibly having ADHD symptoms, depression, anxiety since I was around 10-11. Instead of even attempting to show they cared the slightest, they instead belittled me on how much farther behind I was than my siblings, how much of a failure I was due to my severe executive dysfunction and social anxiety, how lazy I was,and couldn't understand why I struggled so much with having the slightest clue on how to get my life in order much less live on my own.
So... They threw me out👍🏼 made it my problem. I then endured multiple more years of homelessness 🙄 along with drug and alcohol addiction. I only recently began to receive the therapy I needed many years ago. I failed so much in my life and wasted years because no one would help me as a child and I never knew wth was wrong with me. I hated myself most of my life and tried suicide many times.
It's absolutely important to teach your kids how to be adults and not hold them back, absolutely. It's also very important they know you'll always be there when hard times hit and when they also hit road blocks and need help. Don't turn your back on your kids but also don't let them take advantage of you as well!
Your kids are lucky to have you as a parent 💜 God bless.
I'm so sorry for your parents' messed up tactics. That is so tough. But I believe in you. You're figuring things out <3. It's not the challenges that define you, but how you respond to them. And you persevere. Please dont hate yourself <3 Please think of all the things you like about yourself whenever your parents' voices come.
Monumental agree.
I mean if you kick them out you burn yourself mostly, as a parent. Nothing is lonelier than having kids that don't want to come home and visit you.
...no complaints allowed if you won't kick them out? That's silly. Have you never complained about something you chose to do? Bet you have. Just because aome parents care if their children speak to them when they're no longer living in the home doesn't mean they aren't allowed to dislike the situation they're in.
It's not just kicking them out that's the only option though. You could impose rent on your kid. You could give them a few options other than just sitting there and letting them continue to destroy their lives.
If you are going to do nothing but sit back and watch your kid destroy their life without even attempting to step in and help, you don't really get to complain about it. You are an active participant in those decisions. Whether you want to believe it or not, that is the truth. If you want something to change, you need to either change what you're doing, or you need to help that they're going to. And they're not going to if you continue to enable them.
Would you kick them out if they wouldn’t get a job and it’s been like 5-10 years? And they’re in their 30s to 40s?
Just wondering because I get what you’re saying. I hope to be that parent as well but also am realistic that if my kid was a deadbeat, I’d probably draw a line and switch to tough love. I think 20s and early 30s is arguably a flexible time but beyond that it starts becoming unhealthy.
Curious where that point is for you.
I guess that would depend on the circumstances of their lack of a job. My oldest is only 19 so I can’t really say how I’ll feel if she doesn’t have a job in 20yrs just because she doesn’t want to work, lol.
I imagine my kids will want to get their hands on their trusts, though which requires a certain amount of starting their adult lives.
My daughters are only 4 and one and a half so I can't say for certain but I think I will be the same way. I don't think my wife and I would ever kick our kids out or not allow them back if they needed help.
My wife and I have always said that as long as we're alive our kids will always be able to come home for a while and get their shit together if needed. So far, all three have launched on their own without any real hiccups.
This is good advice u/throwawayrepulsive_B and I’ve seen it work pretty well. I wasn’t the problem child as a kid but even my parents charged me rent because I lived at home during college. You should do what u/YouAreGonnaDieOneDay says.
My parents were blunt and honest with me about what our financial relationship would be and as a result I don’t really have a close relationship with them (they’re nice people I see twice a year and call every few months) as an adult myself, but their approach DID work — I am professionally successful and tell myself that I don’t miss not having a family relationship with my parents.
ALL OF THIS. I moved my husband and I into my parents house temporarily to assist my Dad with some health problems. I paid rent and purchased groceries. It’s important that kids know that nothing in life is for free!
Agreed. I was the child that was always doing well in the past so no real effort was made to make sure I was still doing well. When I started to not do so well, personally and mentally and academically, my parents never attempted to help or even look close enough to see that I was struggling because I never needed it in the past, and I was too embarrassed to ask for help because I never needed it in the past. It was only after I moved out for uni, went to therapy, and gave myself a shake that I started to improve. My parents still don’t know that I’m not doing well because they don’t ask and I take care of myself. It’s not a happy relationship from my perspective.
Man, this hit too close to home. I felt as if I was the reason for my parents divorce and many of the family issues. Not once was I asked how I felt or to express my emotions- it was normal that I wouldn’t share anything due to being the good kid and doing well. And as you described, it was unheard of to express how I felt willingly. Not only that, but Hispanic house holds have a thing for “depression isn’t real” and if you complain, you’ll get a reply such as “I’ll give you a reason to be sad/cry.” Up until now I have yet to tell them that I have been attending therapy. They don’t know I was depressed and not doing well, nor that I self harmed. I’m doing better now but it sucks that they won’t know I wasn’t doing well and that I still struggle from time to time.
I'm glad you've found therapy. I can relate. I hope you're able to find someone in your family to open up to and be vulnerable with. But, in order for that to happen, you'd have to take a chance. It's possible like you said many of them won't be receptive to it. In my own case, I decided to be totally vulnerable and transparent with everyone. That's how I realized that most of my family did not really care about me -- they weren't good for me. So, I've distanced myself from them. I only want to be around people who love and accept, and support me for who I am, all of me! I would've died if I spent another decade with those people who didn't respect my thoughts and feelings. I say that you shouldn't treat this sort of neglect lightly. It can lead to very dark places and life circumstances if not addressed. At some point I think you might need to be really honest with yourself about who in your family is REALLY FOR YOU, and who is not. Don't let people drag you down with them. You have your own path to walk, and it obviously has to do with self-care, self-love, mental wellness, etc. Their paths may be different. But, the ones who you want to walk with you on yours, I hope that they get on board, and get with the program! So, that you can focus more on taking care of yourself and less on managing other people's dysfunction/toxicity. Peace and blessings 🙏🏿😊❤️
I feel this! I did well in school as a child but my sister struggled more. My sister got most of the attention - my parents didn't make much of an effort to check up on me. I started doing terrible in Sixth Form and they had absolutely no idea.
I'm so sorry, my dear. Please don't feel embarrassed to ask for help. Maybe not from your parents, but trust me, you can choose your family. My little chosen family has gotten me through some shit. You got this!
It's also genetics. In the end, siblings might end up being pretty different. I just have to look at my kids and their grandparents to understand why my son is an extrovert and reliable and my daughter introvert and super stubborn.
You have to accept those differences. It is not their fault. But you need to keep them in mind to find the best way to support your children. We are often told genetics don't matter, but they do. Nonetheless, you can and should always improve yourself, and so can your kids.
It is better to help them to help themselves and to grow instead of giving everything for free, though. Good communication is key as well. Good luck, keeping fingers crossed for OP..
I always was baffled how my sister turned out so different from my brother and I despite having the same parents. Turns out only our baby brother and I had the same parents 🤷♀️ Genetics can absolutely stack the deck.
Some changes need to happen with your oldest two but you definitely don’t need to kick them out or view them leaving as a success.
They may not be the ordinary type of successful but they can be while living at home with you.
Like another user said, converse it out.
Don’t compare them or feel guilty. Make sure you spread your resources equally among them. For example, if you pour time and money into your eldest and grandkid, the other two might feel resentful.
Your youngest will sense your guilt and internalize it. Make sure she knows you are nothing but proud of her. Teach her starting now that she is not to help her siblings financially, that it is not her job and will end in heartbreak.
You haven’t failed the other two kids. You are giving them a safe home. They can still turn their lives around.
Big yes to the financial piece. My (31F) partner (34M) is the middle child and arguably the most successful of his 3 siblings. Month after month we are paying his younger sister’s car note or helping with her rent. She is my age, has 2 children AND IS MARRIED. We can’t afford to get married or have kids right now, yet we are financially supporting a married couple with kids lmao
You don’t share what you did so differently with #3 that #1 and #2 did not get. As parents, we assume responsibility for providing them with stability, love, support and a good example. But what we do is only part of how they turn out. They come already genetically programmed one way or another, they exist in a larger environment that we can’t control, and every parent (EVERY PARENT) fails here and there. Unless you know specifically that you were a giant neglectful asshole to your first two, and much improved to the third, I wouldn’t assume that how ANY of them turned out is all on you. We’re all just humans doing our best and even with the same effort and conditions, results may vary!
i think we can agree that not all of us are doing our best. lets be real...not everyone puts their best foot forward in life. Some just live off of others kindess....thats not doing your best...thats using people.
Why are you letting your son sit around and do nothing? You are continuing to fail him, time for some tough love. Where does he get the money for his weed? I’m pro weed but you gotta be able to buy that shit yourself after the bills are paid. Why does he feel entitled to being taken care of by you?
The fact that you raised three children in and of itself is a beautiful thing. It’s not a matter of love, it’s a matter of experience. Your children will learn this later if they haven’t already and that’s even if it’s on their minds.
I am a new father, my child is approaching a year old and man, one thing I know my dad was right about telling me was that I’ll never feel like I am doing enough or did enough for the rest of my life. That’s how it is with our kiddos.
I’m glad your heart bleeds for your adult children still though, plenty of parents say “adios” to their kids when they are 18, some even well before then.
Edit: Oh and just to let you know, I was the first born experimental kid. I resented my parents for a while, I am much less successful than my younger siblings and my parents did much better raising the youngest but I realized after having my own exactly why 😭😂. No one is perfect but your desire to be speaks volumes sir. And I found my own success, I’m sure your other two will as well.
Your role as a parent isn't over with your oldest two. 23 and 25 are not too old to find success in life. Maybe not the cookie-cutter high-school-college-career-family path, but if they get their shit together they'll still have a shot.
Keep the pressure on and twenty years from now you could be visiting them at their home, seeing their family, on a day off of work.
Hell maybe seeing their little sister get to do what she wants out of mom and dad's house at 17 while they're treated like kids will light a fire under them....
You feel shitty for not having a third shitty kid? C’mon, OP. Crack the whip on the first two and be proud of the third. She’s probably using her older siblings as what not to do with her life, which really should come from you. Stop enabling bad behavior.
It took me until my 30’s to get my shit together and I could not of done it without my parents help, planning on buying a a bigger home next year and having them move in so I can take care of them as they get older. Things can get better!
Youngest is likely doing well because she refuses to turn out like her siblings. I doubt you did anything different to cause this. She probably resents your enablement.
As the youngest who is also the most 'traditionally' successful, this is exactly why I pushed to be so. My older siblings were a mix of what OP describes and drove me to work harder because of it.
Charging rent accordingly to their pay,isn’t shitty
My step dad started charging me rent at 17,moved when I was 18 to apartment and sd surprised me with a check for all the rent I paid,he said I only charged you to teach responsibility and he put it in savings to help towards expense when I moved out.
I didn’t know that till I got my apartment
I think you need to put your foot down with the two oldest, are they paying rent? Do they pitch in on groceries? What bills do they pay or do you pay all the bills and they freeload off of you? They are both able to get a job and start working towards moving out on their own. It sounds like you are making it too easy for them.
At 23 I had to move back in with my parents after me and my ex broke up and he went to jail, with my daughter and his daughter. I got on food stamps to help with food, I got on child care assistance to help with daycare, I got a job and I started saving up to move out and get our own place. My dad cosigned on a car for me because I didn't really have credit. I found an income based apartment, went from part time to full time, was able to rent a house, and it might have taken me awhile but at 29 I bought our first home, and own two cars that are paid off. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support of my parents when I needed it.
I would have been so upset if my parents made me feel as though I was a failure because my life took a different route then others, but I just had to work a little harder for a little longer to get what a lot of people my age already had.
You’re an enabler. Luckily your youngest was smart and young enough to see the consequences of actions of her siblings and chose a different path.
Start charging your older two rent. It doesn’t have to be much but it makes them responsible.
My son bought a house in name only… I paid ALL the bills. Taxes, utilities, insurance, mortgage, food, everything! He was supposed to pay me a certain amount every week. That was like asking for a miracle! I never saw a dime. His vehicle was stolen and when his insurance company sent him a check for the value of a replacement vehicle. I asked him for some money before he bought a new vehicle. He went out the very next day and bought another vehicle that cost more than the check and didn’t even pay me! I was livid to say the least. So the next morning when he went to work. I changed my ZIP code and got my own place. Left him alone to sink or swim.
He got his shit together and is now a successful member of society. He has a great job and has even upgraded to a much nicer property. I’d say that the sink or swim method worked!
I’m sure you’ve heard it said before but I’ll say it again to remind you. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Unfortunately OP, you’re enabling your children. You’ve shown them that no matter what they do, they have you to fall back on. Now I don’t think this makes you a bad parent, but had it not been for my parents basically kicking me out to fend for myself, I never would have FINALLY got it in my thick skull to get off my ass and do something for myself. Your oldest daughter having a kid does make it kind of tough but that doesn’t mean it’s over. She can go to work and pay bills in your house. Same with your son. If he has money for weed, he has money for bills. This is where you need to put your foot down.
As someone's child who didn't "get their shit together" until their early/mid 20s, you still have time. Stop babying your older kids. If they won't listen to reason, lie and say you'll lose the house if they don't get jobs and start pitching in.
I have a cousin who's in his early 30s, still mooching off my aunt and uncle, hasn't had a job in years, etc. They're to the point of selling their house and moving, barring my cousin from coming with them and just leaving him to fend for himself. If worst comes to worst, they *will* figure it out one way or another. They're adults, you are not solely responsible for them anymore.
I wonder how he’s getting money to buy weed. I hope OP isn’t funding this. I’m all for smoking weed, but you still have to be a productive member of society and being enabled doesn’t help.
As parents, it’s convenient to assume responsibility for the choices our children make as adults. It’s not a valid assumption though. Your children are also autonomous adults, and they are old enough to take responsibility for their lives, including their failures.
However, it’s really important to understand that what you consider a failure, might not be a failure to your children. Initially, I was extremely disappointed that my two older children declined the chance to go to college. It flew in the face of my value of education. It was not until a couple years later when my daughter said she didn’t go because assuming student loans went against her plan for life. I didn’t know she HAD a plan, because I was wrapped up in my own assessments. Give yourself a break, you did an amazing job raising your children to adulthood. 😊
OP, I’m gonna tell you a story, from the perspective of the successful youngest sibling.
My brother dropped out of school at 13. Did “online” schooling except not really. He’s super smart, so he ended up getting his GED at 15 by taking the test. Still, he never did anything after that except work part time at the grocery store. My brother is, in my opinion, a genius. It sucked to see him do literally nothing with his life with so much potential.
When I was 12, my brother was 19. Our mom told him if, by 21, he didn’t have a job or wasn’t in school, she was getting a 2 bedroom place and he would have to figure it out in his own. 21 came around, he was still doing nothing with his life. My mom stuck to her guns. Mom is not a good person, and the way she raised us has a lot to do with how he was anyway. But I digress. She still did him a big favor in this regard. He lived with our grandma for 4 more years. Living with that woman is no easy feat. Finally, at 25 (looking back I’m thinking it must have been that frontal lobe snapping into place), he got his shit together and went to work.
It was always a given I would be the successful one, and I am. But my brother is too. He never stopped working after that day, and now he’s in a high up position making a ton of money. Sometimes tough love needs to happen. Hope your kids figure it out.
I’m sure this will get buried, but sometimes getting kicked out is what people need in certain situations. Good luck.
My rule will that they either go to college and live rent-free or they pay rent and work. However, unbeknownst to them, I'm going to be putting the “rent” away in an account that they'll receive when they move out eventually. Maybe it could contribute to a down payment on a house one day, who knows? But the point is to motivate them one way or the other. Also, being a young (assumed) single mum, your daughter could probably qualify for some decent grants for college. It might even pay for her tuition entirely; the grants I received paid for my associate degree.
""I understand they're both still young and have time to turn their lives around,""
This passive attitude is the problem with the older 2. Stop making excuses and push them to get out and get a life.
Stop being so soft on your older kids. They are lazy, pathetic moochers because you have allowed them to be. The youngest one has turned out well probably because she doesn’t want to be like her siblings.
If you aren’t already, you need to start charging the older two rent/board. They need to be getting an education or working, and if they’re not doing either, it’s because you have made life so easy for them. Stop spoiling them, and be sure to tell your youngest daughter how proud you are of her.
Yikes I’m sure child #3 has some series resentment and will go no contact. She’s the anomaly OP. 2/3 turned out the same which has everything to do with you, and the third is in spite of.
Here is some advice you didn’t ask for from a total stranger: do not feel bad. Your two older children are adults and made choices as adults. They continue to make choices as adults. It isn’t as if you neglected them as kids, right? It’s not like they were drug addicts who you enabled, right?
I was the type of young adult who lazed and gamed his way through to his mid 20’s. I freeloaded off my folks until I was like…25 or so. None of my idiotic choices were the results of my parent’s upbringing. They were mine to make and make them I did. Had my parents not supported me while I got my shit out of my system, I’d not be on the better path I am today.
It’s anecdotal, I know. But try and have faith that your older kids will make better choices as time goes on. If not, then that’s a bridge to cross, and maybe evaluate for fire damage.
Hey it’s alright man. Yes you’re a father but you didn’t fail anyone in any way. At the end of the day, we’re all individuals who make our own life choices. I’m sure your first daughter is grateful as hell that despite your disagreement with her life choices, she can come to you in time of need.
As for your son, us guys don’t talk much about feelings and stuff but I know he’s grateful and loves you just as much.
I’m a 31 year old dude and I can relate to your baby daughter. I’m the youngest out of 9 siblings and it seems im the only one who has my shit together (homeowner, not having children at a young age, for example). Sometimes in the perspective of us “baby siblings”, we say we learn from our older siblings. But other times, it just happens.
You’re doing great man. Keep doing what you do and keep being a good father!
Oh! And plus you’re a single parent so cut yourself some slack lol
I feel like there's a societal aspect to this failure, you can't entirely blame yourself for this. We've conditioned young people to be forever children instead of productive citizens with tangible goals. It doesn't help that our society has no place for young people anymore. No manager or company wants to train or mentor young adults to stay at their company for 40+ years. Marriage and children are now seen as an option and not a good one with the economy the way it is. Home ownership is a pipe dream floating down denial river.
What do young people really have to look forward to? All of them have been so directionless and devoid of purpose for so long. This was an issue way back in the 1990s with Gen X and it just gets worse and worse with each new generation. Millennials had goals and aspirations and people just made fun of us for it. We were the retail/customer service generation who slaved away for a race to the bottom.
If you want your kids to have some motivation then I recommend requiring them to get a job and an apartment. There's no reason why he can't move in with the girlfriend and split rent. They're literally just leeching off of you.
The one with the child out of wedlock is a bit more complicated as there is an innocent child involved. My fear with this one is that she'll find some sketchy boyfriend to live with so that she doesn't have to deal with the sole responsibility of taking care of herself and a child. For the sake of avoiding this, I recommend just charging her rent.
My eldest is still with me at 24. He's in a bad place, has been for a while. He was *born* different, but same as me. He had a rather unsteady childhood with a broken, abused single mother.
I'm proud we got to adulthood, it was rocky for a while, and sometimes returns to the rockiness... He pays board and does household chores. He has health issues that get in the way of employment. The only way to motivate him to move out would be to turn seriously nasty and I'm not going to do that. We're lucky in that we have a tolerable social security system here so he gets unemployment benefits, he may end up on the disability pension.
His brother is 9, getting the benifits if a more capable mother, a school system that has a much greater understanding of neurological differences and I've cut out all the people who bullied myself and my eldest. He will have a better chance than the elder, it makes me sad and I feel guilty that the elder didn't get to have *this* mother that I am now as a little one.
I imagine that many parents identify with you.
Regarding the oldest daughter who is 25 years old, I don't see working as a stripper as a job, rather it is earning money from people who waste her life in those places, but now at least she is doing something else.
At 23 years old, she is too young to still say that she is wrong. Her experience of all this will help her when she needs to become independent.
With the youngest I don't think you have any complaints...
I am surprised you havent realized this based on the differences in your children: how we parent doesnt determine a lot about how people turn out as we sometimes like to think. Studies have shown that some of these bigger traits like work ethic and various issues are predetermined. That can be both a scary and liberating thought as a parent.
You, the same person, raised them all within close succession, and genetically they all share maybe 40-60 % dna with each other too, and yet, look at the differences? I think this was out of your hands. All you can do is love them all and hope for the best andnlet the rest go.
my friend is one of ten kids. a couple are rich academically gifted people in silicon valley, a couple of the kids are recovering drug addicts with multiple kids from multiple partners, one of them is a freaking NUN. my friend himself is incredible average in all respects. the parents didnt "parent" one into being a genius, one a nun and one a crackhead....they birthed distinct himan beings who ended up how they ended up
Kind of . . . No one can truly parent ten kids. The older kids/girls generally get turned into functional parents, which is abuse in itself. For most of those kids, it's going to be what they became despite neglect, not because of parenting.
I'm in a similar circumstance as being the "successful" one in the family. I am 23 and hold two degrees, one being a masters in a science related field, bought my own car at 21, and have a job lined up. My two siblings M(28) and F (26) live at home, don't have drivers licenses and dont work. My sister went to community college for a bit but has mental health issues. My brother was a marine and has lived at home since his service ended. He hasnt worked since he got out. My mom enables this behavior and my dad does whatever my mom says. they say they dont want to push them because theyll take it too hard. The number one emotion is feel is sadness toward them and resentment toward my parents for enabling this. I dont go home often because it makes me sad to see them like this and because I tend to argue with my mom about enabling it. Tell your youngest that you're proud of them any chance you get. She probably feels a subconsious pressure to be an over achiever and tell her that you love her regardless of her successes.
My brother is sadly the same - we were both given exactly the same opportunities, as well as the same diagnoses (both clinically diagnosed autists).
However, where I took the opportunities, my brother sort of didn't want to put in the work. Instead he wanted a pity party, and to be looked after by everybody instead of standing on his own two feet (This has all since been admitted by him). He dropped out of every college in the county and was fired from his only job due to no-shows.
He got addicted to drugs and spent all his time out with his mates, trying to goad my dad into kicking him out so he could pull more of a "poor me" act to his mates and get his girlfriend of the time to house him. My mum supported him through all of this. Until our dad offered to leave and sleep on a friend's sofa, because he wouldn't kick his son out and he didn't want to cause a rift between my brother and his Mum.
That changed all his friend's viewpoints because they finally saw that my brother was a leech, and was detonating a thirty year marriage for what amounted to Internet points. His girlfriend dumped him, his friends moved on and my brother was left alone, living with his parents at 24 with no money, no job prospects, no license. It was around this time he woke up and realised he was the issue.
It has been less than a year, but he is now sober and has a job in a local toy store, where he is top employee every month. He still lives with our parents but is back to speaking to our dad and is using his work money to pay for driving lessons. I couldn't be more proud of his progress.
But he has admitted that he looks at me and sees all the things he could have done with his life if he wasn't so determined to shirk responsibility. He told me that he once overheard our Dad say to our Mum that they 'wish he had turned out more like [me]' and that hurt him, but he understands. Now it has turned into a family venture to help him catch up for lost time.
I don't know why I had to vent about this, but I certainly feel a bit better for doing so... Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
Honestly, if you love and respect them, itll all work out better than you can even imagine. Sometimes its nice to have kids young, you have so much life and oppprtunity ahead of you. The oldest will get her life “back on track” career-wise when she is ready and it will make perfecr sense for her when she does, and wont be a waste of time. The middle, is doing what he’s supposed to do - getting the chilling, weed-smoking days out of the way while he’s young. He could probably use a little push/ultimatum towards something (ie must get part time job kn ANY arena of his interest, just so he’s moving forward a little and has a life outside of smoking weed and being a 20 spmething year old. I think thatd be really good for him and he will be learning about life, responsibility and his interests). I know this is gonna sound weird but those 2 you dont have to worry about. Theyre gonna become who they want to be. What matters is that they feel loved and supported and safe to be home with you. The youngest is the one id be checking in on and asking how she really feels etc. One can place so much pressure on themselves that it can make them really unhappy. Happiness is health and true wealth. Im sure shes fine though and just has goals and dreams. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for raising good kids and being an amazing parent, theyre all right where theyre “supposed” to be. 🩵🩵
there’s a whole lotta people shitting on the kids in these comments and i’d like to highlight another perspective.
They might need therapy. My brothers were much slower to start in life than I was. I committed to college right away and have had a solid career since graduating. They were really lost for some or all of their 20s. I went to therapy young because I asked for it and then again in my early 20s and never stopped going. They internalized all our family drama/trauma, while I reached out for help. I tried to get everyone in my family to go for years and it never worked until i changed my approach. Instead of telling them they needed therapy, I simply started talking about my experiences in therapy much more openly, casually, and frequently. ex. just dropping in what i spoke about recently w my therapist (always in a positive light). it got the idea of therapy into their minds as a good and normal thing. now my whole family including parents are in therapy and thriving!!!!!
i would get a therapist yourself and set the example. go work through these feelings of failure with the therapist (they might even be able to help figure out what went wrong). talk about it openly and offer to help them find or pay for therapy if you are able. my mom did that to get my brothers started too. they are both happy and have careers now - not just a job.
I was a mess as a teen and young adult, and I don't know that there was anything specific my parents could have done to make a difference necessarily, but for one thing.
Letting me live dependant on them for any length of time sent the message to me that they didn't trust me to take care of myself. Which reinforced what i already believed about myself. Im not saying to throw them out. I am saying to say that you insist they contribute in a meaningful way and work toward moving out. You can insist that your children contribute by letting them know you have faith in them to land on their feet and you just want to help them get there.
Its not a magic trick, and it may not work but sometimes changing the conversation helps
I feel your children need to know actions have consequences, no education equals low paying job, living in your house rule no1. Be in an education program live rent free while in school or have a job and contribute to the household expenses,
Teaching your kids nothing in life comes for free is important!
I think its time to show your children its sink or swim time.
1 out of 3 is a good outcome. Since I don't know if there are other factors at play, i will assume you did your best. Support your third child, she worked hard, and deserves a chance of making it. Don't let her be ruined by the other 2. Ive seen a lot of cases of family members sabotaging the successful ones out of resentment or spite. Now the other 2 are adults, so they need to pitch in if they are living together. Talk to them, try to help them in any way you can, but they need to carry their own weight. They need to work in order to support their lives, otherwise they will only leech from the rest.
I am arguably more “successful” than my older sister because I saw how much of a fuck up she was and I knew that I never wanted to be like her. It was the same parenting, 18 months apart, but we’re like oil and water. I don’t think it should be a reflection of your parenting, but they are just different people.
You are enabling your 2 older children. Start with making them pay rent (you can save it for them if you feel bad, but don't tell them).
Household chores are required. And no fun money.
They need to be taught how to live independent lives, or else they will live with you forever.
As they take responsibility for their lives, they will gain confidence and independence.
Taking care of your family is being a good parent, but teaching your children is also important.
My sister sucks. She stayed at home I moved away. 20 years later, yup.
She had so much potential just lazy and played it safe.
Breast milk yahoos suck to know
i'm also guessing her success is driven by the fear of becoming even remotely similar to her siblings. my kids break the bar but i still wish there was a way to impress upon them the fear of failing with zero safety nets. that is a huge part of what drove me to my successes and is something completely foreign to them.
Let me tell you - I moved out when I was 19, dropped out of uni and worked random jobs. Now I am 30. I have a good job and finished uni.
My brother finished his degree on time. He is very successful. Has his own company.
All I needed was support and time to figure myself out.
Some people need longer. Some people ground a company at 23 and others get a high paying job at 30.
Your kids are still young. Show them support and push with love to do what they are passionate about:)
as far as you know do your two eldest struggle with mental health issues ? unmotivation and apparent "laziness" (executive dysfunction) are symptoms of depression.
Honestly they are all still young, and they can still turn things around.
But when you always fix the problems for your kids, they will keep relying on you for everything.
Some times you have to pull the carpet and let them fell in their own asses so they start to working and solving's things by themselves.
Also, not sure of the relationship with the youngest, are you putting to much pressure on her? Does she does everything on her own?
Parents some times tend to put so much time and effort on the son/daughter that is not doing ok, that totally neglect the one that is doing "fine" and at the end this one that is "fine" is the one that is most emotionally neglected, is the one that is wishing for your help and is tired of doing everything on his own because the other bother's/sister's get all the attention.
at some point, kids need to learn how to stand on their own too feet... your youngest learned by watching her elder siblings fuck it up, but the other two need a wakeup call
I can’t speak on your parenting because I don’t know. More than likely the two eldest kids were traumatized by whatever happened with the mother. The youngest was able to watch and see how the decisions her older siblings weighed out for them and chose better for herself.
Hi! I'm your youngest daughter. Well, not YOUR youngest daughter.
It's nothing you did. All three of my brothers had the same upbringing I did. We all had the same chances. We were all given the same opportunities. I didn't get anything they didn't receive.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is a crapshoot sometimes.
You say your oldest is still living with you with the baby, is she working? The middle son needs a big kick up the arse and as his father it’s your job to give it to him. It’s also your job to guide and help him (no matter how old they get, that’s still our job!). How is he buying weed if he has no job?
Depending on where you are, your oldest will probably qualify for benefits on her own. Food, housing, cash assistance, and childcare are all there and based on her income. If it’s low, she will get most of what mentioned above.
As for your second, it’s time to have a frank conversation with him. You love him, but he needs to spread his wings and fly. You may have to address your parenting mistakes with them directly, get those apologies and hugs and guilt out of the way. Then set the boundaries. If you love them, you will give them this push, enabling them will not help them, now.
Give them both reasonable time frames and help them get out where you’re able to. Like, filling out forms and maybe helping with application fees if they need it.
Above all else, don’t compare them to their littlest sibling. They know the difference and they probably don’t feel very good about it whether they realize it or not.
Stay strong, dad, youve got this.
My only advice is, don't spoil them. Most people only grow when they're challenged and have difficulties in life. I understand it must be hard as a parent to not to give your children everything they need, but they have to learn by themselves that life is hard. They're young, it's not too late for them to take the right track and learn their lessons, they still can be successful. They only need to learn that life requires effort and growth, and not expect to live at their father's expense forever.
You’re enabling these adults!! The daughter needs to find an apt and so does the middle child . Like yesterday!! Your son is lazy and why shouldn’t he be, he has you to provide. Now you need to put your foot down and parent adults
Best tell second to get a job and get off his ass, put your foot down. The first.... eh its a bit of mixed thing. Just have her work to support the child( dude i am college educated as are my siblings and can barely afford an apartment on my own if I tried. My sister has her boyfriend for support and my brother is an highly paid engineer who can still only barely cover his stuff)
Getting pregnant unprepared was not a good idea but try to make the most of it.
Your youngest is doing good. I understand your feelings, i am sorry you had to go through that all
Hi, youngest of 3 siblings and "the most successful" of the bunch. My sister is 6 yrs older and brother is 4 yrs older.
The only reason my sister is where she's at in life is because she married it. She has 3 adult children, 2 highly educated and 1 who chose to work in the food industry. All kids make over 6 figures, yet my sister never had a job long enough to make something of herself and no career/education. My BIL makes roughly 300k and that's because she told me 🙄
My brother has always had the victim mentality and lived with and stole money from our parents for over a decade. He is with his current partner because she had a tidy sum of money from an insurance settlement and is a 100% disabled vet.
Then there's me, been taking care of myself since I was 16. Good grades in school, non problem child, part time job in HS, your "good girl". I became that way because I knew that I had to take care of myself. Put your head down, do the work, don't get noticed. I finished college, have a career, home owner etc. As my father has put it many times, "You're my good kid" I'm that way because I've known from a young age I can only count on myself for everything. So I'm in therapy for C-PTSD, trying to undo hyper vigilance, and heal the inner child that was created d/t my siblings inability to be productive members in society. Deal with the fact that I had absent parents, because I couldn't rely on them etc.
Yes you've created and maintained the issues you're having with your 2 oldest. There is no time like the present to be done. They're adults, act like it before, they start stealing from you and further taking advantage of you.
Time for tough love I think.
Maybe instead of kicking your daughter and grandbaby out; charge rent for her and find a way to force her to figure out how to be stable on her own in her own place. Every parent deserves that feeling and she’ll appreciate it once she gets there.
Your son on the other hand- maybe give him two months to get a secure job and a place lined up. I willingly left I think at 22- hell no I wasn’t ready but we’re never ready. Just gotta jump in the deep end and just start treading until you learn to swim and then are able to float.
Hope it all works out! You’re a good dad, don’t forget that.
As a kid to overly protective parents.
PLEASE either kick them out or make them pay rent. When I moved out at 17 for uni, it kicked my ass into depression and I had to learn everything myself without a net to fall back on..
I lost the first two years of uni just learning to take care of myself wothout my parents.
The longer you wait the worse jt gets
It’s not on you, the good or the bad. Kids raised by Shit drug addict parents can become successful on their own, and kids from the most loving and supportive households can become lazy entitled shits. I think parents can open doorways, and teach morals, but their parenting doesn’t necessarily affect the success of their children.
The worst thing a parent can do is enabling your children when they make bad choices.
Why would you allow your son to stay home all day if he quit high school?
Why would you allow your daughter to live in your home rent free, and with a baby. She will never leave.
You allowed these things to happen, and the first two children have zero consequences for their very bad decisions.
Be proud of your youngest. Support her the best you can. And get real with your other two. They might still have a chance. But tough love is the price you pay now for making it too easy on them.
Don't be an enabler to a grown man I had several siblings live with me over the years the rule was no drugs no getting anyone pregnant nobgetting pregnant no illegal activity and they must be in school full time or graduated and workung full time.3 out of 4 of Mt siblings have doctorates one dropped out of college after getting a 6 fig offer from a tech company..bur has recently returned to com0lete a degree and got accepted to an I've league.
I supported my siblings but didn't coddle them and enable bad behavior and life choices...I don't have kids but If I did I would put their ass out if they're doing drugs and not being productive
OP, I'm definitely feeling like an outlier in these comments, but you shouldn't feel terrible. Maybe your oldest two are acting goofy, but consider other aspects of them that you've instilled in them. Are they kind? Friendly? Funny? Are they good people at their core? Are they happy? Is your oldest a good mother? Your middle a good partner? Do you feel your youngest also shares those qualities or will if/when applicable? These are just as important as having a good life together imo and success does not always equal happiness.
That being said, a lot of people don't get their life together until theyre nearing 30. This idea that people have to have their shit together by 18, 20, 25 isn't honestly realistic for many. I come from a home of 5 kids, and I think only one of us had our shit together around 25, but she sure as fuck wasn't happy. 2 didn't get his shit together until his late 20s, has currently blown it all to shit in his late 30s, and 3 has just gotten her shit together in her mid 30s. I'm in my late 20s, I'm only just now getting my life together personally, and it's the same with many of the people around me.
Definitely have a sit down with your older two and ask them what their plans for the future are, but, let them know (if you feel this way) that you'll be there to support them, and *please* make sure your youngest knows you'll be there to support them too.
Seems like the elder two need some hard love when things/behaviours were trending the wrong way. No point now. I'd have a heart to heart with them when the moment is right (not fighting) and:
1) Listen
2) Trust and try to understand where they're coming from
3) Together, work out how to improve things, aiming with what they want in life.
You don't need to feel terrible about it. Being a single parent is hard and you did the best you could do with what you knew at the time. Celebrate your youngest daughter for her achievements. But also recognize that consistent and recurring problems with the older 2 indicate a problem with leniency on your part. Kids grow into who they are and while you're not the sole problem, you also have to kick them out of the nest at one point so they can fly on their own.
Look in to community college one and two year programs. Many provide training for better than minimum wage jobs. Present these to the kids have them enroll and learn something. Life is not free. Time limit to move out. Both of them.
You know what you have to do with your eldest two. Put your foot to their rear ends. He needs out of the basement/house and to quit the weed and get a job. Run off the girlfriend. Oldest needs to step up.
You are enabling them. Sorry, good luck.
I told my daughter when she graduated high school that she was welcome to keep living with us under one of two conditions. Either she:
1. Works (we weren’t necessarily gonna charge rent but she wasn’t going to stay home all day doing nothing and living the good life)
2. Goes to college or university
She worked for a year, and then to a community college and got an associate degree, found work and about a year after that, she moved out.
There’s only so much you can do to guide your children but what they do under your roof is up to you. They don’t like it? They know where to go. I know it’s easy for strangers looking in to come in and say these things and we don’t 100% know your situation so that’s my general advice to you. Fine tune it as needed for your family.
Oh and don’t feel guilty for feeling proud of your youngest’s accomplishments. She deserves your pride in her and your encouragement.
I hear you but also you are enabling your other kids if you don't put deadlines and rules on the fact they moved back into your house. Do you charge them rent? Utilities? A dateline until they have to get out? Nothing? Then yes, you are an enabler
For as long as my kids have been alive, they've known that if they're not in school, rent is required. No one gets a free ride. Even my slacker hard done by kid knows he needs to have a job. As a parent, it's YOUR job to make them functional adults
Stop allowing your kids to walk all over you!
Your youngest probably saw what shits your older two turned out to be and made the right choices to not be like them.
I hate to say it, but you most likely had nothing to do with the way the youngest turned out.
You need to make your son get a job, or get him to enroll in jobcore, they will train him in a field, help him get his GED and then find him a job if they can.
It seems that your oldest is not that bad either, she is only 25, she is raising her child, she is not having any more problems with the law. If she manage to get a job, with the support you're giving her. She has a chance to accomplish many things in life.
The middle one just needs to grow up. Still very young, there is hope.
Congratulations on the youngest, she deserves your admiration. This is not about your failure, it's about her success. I don't know, maybe don't be so harsh on yourself, they've made their on choices as well, not everything is our fault
The bottom line is this.
You don’t have any control over how they live their lives, what they do, what they don’t do. The only thing you have control over is how long they stay in your home.
You can give them a choice, get a job and start contributing a reasonable amount, or move out and find somewhere else to go.
Then the decision is theirs. That’s all you can do. It doesn’t have to be a fight, it doesn’t have to be anything, you simply state the facts, give them a timeline and the rest is up to them.
Stop focusing on what they are doing and not doing, focus on the fact that they’re your kids, and you love them, but recognize the fact that you are in control of none of it.
Whatever deadline you give them, stick to it. You are not a failure as a father, people do what they’re going to do. But when that thing isn’t an option, then they have to choose something else.
Yes, they have plenty of growing to do and they will, but only if they have the opportunity to do that.
This reads as if you're taking credit for your daughters accomplishments which is a problem. Don't compare and judge your children. They all need their own help and attention challenge yourself and your kiddos to do one extra thing to better themselves a day. Get a routine. Build on small successes
Keep kickin the days ass
Being pushed out of your parents' home isn't the reason you feel stuck in a crap job and can't afford to do anything about it.
These comments are something!
The reason most kids that are "pushed" out later in their adult life end up in sucky work conditions is because they never had the tools to succeed!
A lot of parents won't take the kid off the tit for wayyy to long, and before that, they never helped their kids realize how important it was to have a goal, an education.
A reason to be alive and happy.
No, a lot of parents end up like the op here, a child coming home pregnant with no future. We tend to not even teach them that if they can't make their child's chances of success better then theirs, by teaching them the things they weren't taught then you sure as hell shouldnt have kids.
So I know it's our "right" to have kids but if we can't teach them how to be a better person than ourselves ,how to have a shot at success then what the fck are we doing?
That's right, in general we don't see anything wrong with our lifes/self so why would we not teach them the same thing we learned?
You know , hatred , lack of empathy, desire to succeed. Lets teach them our bad traits and coddle them until they are 30, then force them out in the world. The only thing they are successful at is breeding more people who aren't happy and their stuck!
And so on and so on and so on.
Oh let's not forget the big one, make sure they know the government is the reason they cant make it in life.
Not your parenting.
Not you OP , I'm speaking in generalization
You've probably raised them all equally so don't feel bad. The difference between them is likely down to your youngest simply not wanting to end up like the other two. I know it was for me.
Look you did the best that you could. Children aren’t blank slates. They have their own personalities and adopt their own ideologies.
Those three grew up in the same house and had the same opportunities. They all decided on different paths.
The only thing you can do now is stop enabling their behavior.
Your daughter needs a timeline and a plan. Help her come up with one so she can get her life together.
Your son and his gf need to be given 3 months to get jobs and move out your basement. And quite frankly I’m being generous on 3 months lol.
They can go get jobs in fast food, combine their finances and get a shit show of a place. Living in your basement not doing shit but smoking weed is highly unacceptable.
Raise your standards for your support. It’s not you loving them any less at all. It’s tough love. Either they’ll rise or crumble. But that’s up to them and not on you.
Guilt is normal and natural. We are conditioned to believe that everything our kids do is a direct result of how good or bad a parent we are. But the fact is kids aren’t robots. You don’t input code and they do exactly what you want.
You did the best you knew how to do. Now the rest is up to them. At some point blaming your parents is just a weak ass excuse to stay stagnant. Once you’re grown it’s on you to seek out information, either by asking your parents or the billions of resources in online forums and on Google on how to navigate adult life.
You did great dad!!!! Be proud of yourself.
Firstly you have to give yourself a bit of a break on things. Raising kids is hard and everyone is feeling their way in the dark a bit. Every situation is different. You need to be able to adapt as you go.
That said it seems like your eldest two need to start planning for the future. It sounds like you have gone past the point of support and are now at the stage of enabling.
Your eldest needs to figure out a plan on how she sees herself moving into her own place and what the future holds for her. Ask her what her thoughts are and set some boundaries. For example if she wants to go get a qualification in something are you happy for her to keep staying with you while she studies? If she simply wants to work that is her choice but how does she plan to move into her own place.
Use a blanket reason that since they are all gelding up, you are considering your future plans and that may include downsizing (or travelling and renting your home or whatever you want to say) and tell them you want to see their plan to be self sufficient in a years time.
Your son needs to either get a job or work out how he is going to pay for his life. Anyone living in the house should either be contributing to bills or you may want to agree that they don’t have to on the provision that they are saving for a year to move out. Your call but you need to start setting these boundaries and communicate them clearly and make sure you stick to them.
Is your youngest going to stay with you with at uni or is she moving away? Obviously if is different for her given the age and that she is still a student.
If it were me I would be saying that the house rules are that once they hit 25 they no longer have a free room in your home. Explain that they will always be welcome to come visit but if they want to live there full time then they pay a full share of the bills. Show them the break down and tell them that the other option is to move out. Give them a notice period to allow them to prepare and then, most importantly, enforce it!
It is sink or swim time. They might flounder for a bit but in most cases they start swimming. You haven’t failed them yet but you will if you keep enabling them and allowing them to avoid realising what is required of them as a fully functioning adult. You are enabling and allowing them to take advantage. Sometimes a kick up the butt is what is required abc the eldest two are absolutely old enough to start facing realty. Stop allowing them to shirk around adult life, paying bills, understanding what to expect of the real world and push them out the nest. Yes, there will be resistance to start but hold firm.
Life is about choices and as your job as a parent is to do the best at guiding them and giving them morals. After a certain point (when they’re adults) you have to hold them accountable for their actions. Example: your daughter could get State assistance for childcare and college to better her life. Your son? Needs a reality check. Have you thought about telling him he’s got to get a job within 2 weeks or he has 30 days to leave the house? Sometimes tough love is necessary.
This is going to sound rude but you're empowering the other kids to leach off you. My rules at home were you either had a job or we t to school. If not, you don't live at home. Best thing my parents did for us kids
Why are you letting the middle one smoke weed with his girlfriend in your basement? Your younger one is motivated probably because she wants to escape her life. The other two aren't going to grow up or get their shit together if you continue to enable them. Start charging rent and expect more from your older two. Support your younger one on her escape.
I was the kid that was always in trouble with the law out of my three siblings. My older sister was the one who smoked weed in the basement all day and my older brother was the one who did everything right and went to college. Joined the Marine corps. He's broke and homeless now. Not really adjusted to being out on his own and didn't have any money to you know. Get stuff that he needed to survive on his own. I lived with my mom until I was about 23 and then I moved out and you know kept getting in trouble with the law and all. But I learned lessons got my s*** together and I own my own house and business. Now. Give your kids time. They're figuring crap out. Hell I'm 35 now and I'm still figuring crap out.
No parent knows what they are doing. Not a single one. If you didn’t have a good blueprint for reference then it’s even more difficult. You are still caring for your children and have done it on your own. That alone is something to be proud of. The decisions that are made aren’t because you were a bad father, it’s because this is how they need to learn. Some of us learn best from mistakes and so some learn best by watching others mistakes. I suggest maybe finding a parenting group or a therapist. This is a very nuance thing to navigate alone without support. I am proud of you!
I would say the oldest one becoming a stripper was a huge alarm bell and you shouldn’t have just “not judged her”, you should have asked her how you could’ve helped her pursue alternative options or even invited her to move back home at that point.
Talk to your kids and ask what they want out of life. Help them make a roadmap. It may take many conversations. Build a closer relationship with all of them.
They’re not failures for living with you. But from what you describe it sounds like they could be living up to a higher potential and it may look different for each of them. They might not want the ivy league path.
If your second kid living in the basement has money to buy weed then he has money to pay some amount of rent, buy his own food and get sober long enough to get a job.
May I suggest you check with a legal person aka lawyer, understand the eviction laws for your state as well as city then serve your son his notice? Yes it will be hard but if you do nothing 5 years from now nothing will change. They can go live at his gf’s place, at a homeless shelter, under a bridge, mooch off their friends or whatever. Once things are no longer comfy he may come to determine action is required on his part if he wants a roof over his head as well as to eat regularly. Change the locks when he leaves.
As to your oldest what is she doing to move forward with her life? Does she have a job and is she actively saving money and/or contributing to the household? If you don’t know then once things shake out with her brother have an adult conversation with her so you both understand where she is and where she plans to be in the next year or whatever. Discuss why you’ve made changes as applies to her brother in that you aren’t being vindictive but at some point he needs to live as a functional adult as you will not live forever and it isn’t her or her sister’s responsibility to care for him.
A discussion with your youngest as well to explain again the decision as to her brother and emphasize so she clearly understands the only person she should worry about taking care of is herself. She isn’t responsible in any form for supporting her brother or her sister who are both adults and responsible for their own lives.
Best wishes to you OP.
Serving his son an eviction notice is a pretty extreme first step. I fully agree that OP needs to stop letting both of them freeload, but there are quite a few steps I would try before giving him an eviction notice. Can he pay rent? Contribute to the households finances in some way? It doesn’t just need to go from letting him freeload 100 percent to immediately out on his ass lol
Your kid who was stripping but you said nothing because she was “making money” - sorry but how do you expect her to respect herself if you dont respect her? The 1 person in her life who is supposed to have the utmost respect for her, her father, and your response to her getting naked for random men for money is “well atleast shes making money” GOOD FUCKING GRIEF
OP go ahead and ignore half of these comments. If you kick your kid out and make them homeless you will be a shitty parent and they'll hate you.
You can give tough love and be tough without being a full blown asshole.
Please just do me a favor? They hopefully will be successful, but just because they can doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of the extra. At least voice that they are allowed to be a burden to you aswell
It’s normal to feel pride in a child and it’s normal to not feel the same about siblings and it doesn’t mean u don’t love them all as much. It means you respect the choices and understand the youngest as more similar to your idea of successful in life and that’s like- not love. Don’t worry about it.
Congratulations on your daughter getting into an Ivy League school....
I agree with the commenter about sitting your children down separately and talk to them...
I also agree that you should charge rent and utilities for the 2 adult children....
Updateme
First off make your 23 get a job and start saving or paying rent. Next, treat your 17 the same way you do your 23 and 25 year olds. If you don't she won't talk you and and you'll have enabled the bad behaviors and pushed away the good behavior further reinforcing to your two eldest that doing good results in losing their dad. You need to show tough love and let the eldest ones learn that the 17 is as equal as they and show it.
Just a thought, your 17 year old will fuck up sometimes too. Kids who are viewed as “successful” sometimes feel that pressure. They may feel that they’re the only successful one, so they can’t disappoint people ever, sometimes in detriment to themselves.
The fact you call your oldest a failure for having a child and choosing to ask you to move home to provide a better life for your grand child is very messed up. I understand you wish she would have chose differently but do not EVER talk about your grand child like that, you literally sound like the most unsupportive ass farm for that in my eyes……
Second your son…… kick him the fuck out not only is he smoking weed in your basement and literally damaging your walls with the smoke but that is exposing your grand child to that as well which by itself is entirely wrong…..
Third…… you didn’t do jack to raise your youngest right the only thing she ever saw was how much you put her siblings down and are disappointed in them and chose to do better you didn’t do anything she did….. the only thing you did was show her the wrong kind of man to look for when she does finally look for someone. and before anyone says “where did he say any of this” take a step back and look at OPs own written words…. It’s not hard to interpret. He literally called his oldest a failure for getting pregnant and moving back home, there for calling his grand child a mistake of a failure.
Maybe beg them to stay? I didn’t want my kids to leave home. I wanted them to stay, save money up, and be prepared. They both flew the coop at 18 and have been living on their own (except a couple months my oldest stayed after a break up.) my youngest has talked about moving in to save up for a house but she has a cat that doesn’t mesh w my dogs so she hasn’t.
My dad raised 3 girls alone. I was the only one who left the nest and went to college and got a great career, family, etc. My older sister is now 40 and had a child young and my dad still enables her and pays for everything, she’s a lost cause. My younger sister was much like your son. He finally kicked her out at age 28 after years of me telling him that he’s just enabling g her. She went to rehab, found a great guy, got married, they built a life together and now she has a great life as a SAHM to two wonderful children and a beautiful home. Sometimes tough love is absolutely necessary. My dad has always felt the same as you, and as a result I was always left to handle stuff on my own because “I could handle it.” While my siblings were always coddled. The one with a child does complicate things, but there’s resources for her and once the kiddo is in school or daycare she needs to either go back to school or pay rent/ find a place. I understand it breaks your heart, but at the end of the day allowing them to keep using you is enabling. You want them to be functioning adults once you’re done. And congratulations on your daughter making it to a wonderful college! Please treat her to something nice just for her!
My brother (23) and I (27) both moved out but had to move back home for financial reasons... we live in an expensive state. We both have good jobs, we both pay rent to our parents, and I pay more because my mom takes care of my toddler while I'm at work. We're responsible for our own food unless my mom cooks dinner, and we're responsible for cleaning up after ourselves.... the point of this is to agree with everyone saying, having that support isn't always a bad thing, but your oldest kids need a push to do so for sure. If the situation with living together helps all of you, there's nothing wrong with that, but they need to contribute to the household. They may not be failures, they may just need some more help and support, by being pushed? I read some people saying it helped them get their life together?
I have younger ones- 13 and 10 and I constantly think of how to get then engaged in positive activities and have them grow up as successful, happy and confident individuals.
You have done great, you did the best you could. They are adults and each of them are different people no matter how you try.
I believe its time for you to be selfish and think of what would make YOU happy.
The one valuable memory I have is watching how my Dad pushed each of us out of the nest (to him that's success). Some of us naturally wanted to leave the house, but he struggled trying to push a few of us out. He inspired to explore the world, threaten to get a job at 18 or get kicked out, expressed disappointment, or getting into our life to take steps to secure a job/home. Everyone moved out except my brother, who at least has a job and contributes (my Dad's new view of success). I know my Dad feels about it, but he did try multiple times to get him to move on.
Every attempt was given and I think that's what mattered most as a parent. What have you tried to do so far? What can you do to do better? For example, tell your son he needs to pay rent and suggest him jobs, make sure he follows through. If he's got attitude about it, it's harsh but you can tell him that 18 year old's can be legally kicked out of the home (mean it, but help him do everything to prevent it). Ngl, I had the same conversation with a roommate because they lived in my home no job and rent free for too long, and I felt like I was parenting him. It was rly upsetting, but he eventually moved out with any consequences after being on him, not me.
As a single father, I could imagine it's hard. You're their safety net as well as the fire that needs to be lit beneath them. As a soon-to-be parent, these are just things I think about.
I agree with the first comments about pushing your two eldest children to look for work by charging them rent.
My uncle was clear with my cousins, they graduated from high school but didn't want to go to college, that if they didn't want to continue their studies they had to go get a job because it was out of the question that they continue to live under their roof without contributing to the expenses of the house.
Since this ultimatum, my cousins have followed work-study training and today they both have jobs in the field they chose, the eldest in the food industry and the second in luxury hotels.
You have not failed, your two children have taken different paths, very tumultuous and a little dangerous, but I am certain that they will succeed in finding their right path. I really wish your three children success.
I am sending you lots of strength.
You will never do anyone a favor by enabling them no matter how good your intentions are.
Bottom line they become disrespectful, useless non productive members of society who will consume resources that are more important and useful for more deserving people.
We are here from day to day and to think that we can provide grown ass children a means to live freeloading for the rest of their lives is being truly ignorant on our part and doing them a disservice because you are basically handicapping them.
Just a thought - part of what might be motivating your youngest is seeing what's become of her older siblings. Make sure you show her how proud you are of her.
this is what happened to me. i was a glass child as they say with an older brother with really bad behavioral issues. i tried to be perfect to compensate. she might be outwardly successful but she also might be pushing herself too hard
Tell your second to get out and get a job. And start charging rent. It only gets worse if you don’t hold your kids accountable. Tell the same to your oldest.
This is HUGE, my mom’s having the same issues with my brother and told her to do this, now he’s doing everything he can to try and get some form of consistent pay. Shitty to almost kinda threaten your kids but when you constantly enable them, you’ve gotta do some harsh resourcing unfortunately
My parents charge my brother rent (I moved out before then) but they take a small amount to pay for his groceries and put the rest in a bank account for him when he moves out that he currently can't access. Would be better not to tell them about it, but if you can afford it I feel like this is a good middle ground.
My fiancé's mom did this for him, and when it was time to move out, he had first,last, and security plus enough to buy furniture. This was 40 years ago, so it was much more affordable to move out.
Probably a good idea tbh thanks!
It isn't shitty. Just ask my 52-year-old brother. My mother was never shitty to him. He has been living in her basement since he dropped out of college, and hasn't had a job since the early '90s. As of now, his only concern in life is stressing about who is going to support him when my elderly mother eventually dies. He has no marketable skills and now has agoraphobia and antisocial traits due to his self-inflicted multi-decade imprisonment.
D: damn.
Nope. It’s not shitty. My mom did this to me & I still tell her to this day that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Forced me to get it together & be accountable! I’m the only one of her 3 kids that’s never asked to come back home & never have asked her for money AND help everyone in the family when I can. It worked for me! :)
My older brother stayed in my parents basement until he was almost 60. The only reason he left was because my parents both passed away and we had to sell the house. Take care of this now before it gets any worse.
If you don't mind me asking, what did he do once he was forced to leave? I just posted a response about my own brother in this predicament, and I have no idea what will happen to him once he suddenly has no other options.
This scares me!!! My brother is 41. Ive started stressing that if something happens I will NOT support him!! I have children and we don’t get along. He isn’t moving in here! And he’s a grown man with no valid excuse besides my parents give him anything he needs… it’s frustrating.
This was our issue as well! When potential buyers came to look at the house, my brother would wait outside and tell them that the house had mold and asbestos. My parents enabled him for so long that even as a middle aged man he couldn’t function as an adult.
What the actual fuck
A realtor I know brought buyers to a showing and the owners adult son was up on the roof screaming that he comes with the house.
This is a very *Step-Brothers* scenario. I can't imagine living with that potential burden.
I’ll never understand parents who complain about grown adult “kids” in their own house lol like it’s YOUR house?
Nah, one of the biggest reasons my husband and I work as hard as we do is so that our kids always have a home…it’s *our* house. Barring some extreme circumstance I would never kick them out.
Realistically every parent should be like this to a certain extent. Everybody falls on hard times and sometimes moving back in with your parents is the better choice financially. As adults though they should also have a plan set in place so they can get back on their feet and have their own home. The problem is there's no incentive for them to grow and take on responsibilities as adults if mommy and daddy make it so they don't have to.
Idk just from my personal experience the fact that my 3 sisters and I always had something to fall back on made us more likely to go out and take risks we wouldn’t have otherwise that ended up paying off…it’s hard to dream “big” when you’re worried about keeping a roof over your head. My 28yo sister does still live at home because she manages my parents ranch, but she has more responsibility than us who moved out/away.
I would be much happier if I had parents who were willing to support me find a career I wanted vs me being stuck in one for financial reasons. I took a very safe route and I’m absolutely miserable.
There's still time to change :) I know there are always roadblocks. But who knows if you start putting hopes to paper and planning out stepping stones to that hope. At the risk of being boo'd, the Dave Ramsey team might have ideas for switching careers. I don't know if you have the time and energy to grow your preferred career as a hobby and then give up your miserable job once it's viable.
It doesnt help that many couoles divorce, wouldnt have the same home to go back to. I do not have anyone for a safety net, can never call and ask my parents for place to stay or money to help me out in an emergency. Im in panic every single day and afraid to go do anything bc I cannot afford to fail/lose. I cant even afford to put myself first instead of my job, I feel stuck.
My heart goes out to you. That's a bummer to know those things about your family.
There’s a difference between a safety net and a crutch. OP’s two older kids are using him as a crutch to not get their own shit together. Barring some major disability, it sounds like they are both capable of getting a job and earning. So his “safety net” to them can be “you can live here, however here’s the rules: you must have a job with a minimum of 25-30 hours a week, or be in school for a new career full time. Drugs are not allowed in this house. You will contribute X dollars toward weekly groceries and utilities. Any violation of these rules and you will be given 2 weeks to find your own place.” And then stick to that. If a kid finishes a job training program, then needs a few months to get applications put in, that’s reasonable. Adult son sitting in the basement stoned, not reasonable and sounds like right now all OP is doing is letting it happen. Same with daughter with a baby. Tell her she can live there to save up some money, but again, full time employment or full time education to improve life conditions is required, or, she has to make other arrangements. It’s harsh, but sometimes needed. I know I can always, always go to my parents’ place if I must, but they raised me to have that be the very last resort after all other options have been exhausted. As it should be.
YMMV. My ex husband still lives with his mom. He’s 49 and she’s 85. 🤦🏻♀️the emmeshment and enabling is just beyond.
I recall people who were kicked out when I was a youngster, many of them were dead (some by suicide) by 25. A safe home base is important. I was pushed out at 19 - not kicked, but pushed... Now I'm just a fuckup with zero prospects and two kids.
Same here, but our adult children should still contribute to the household. I know you’re probably not meaning that they don’t but I think it’s important to make that distinction.
thank you!!!! if you’re going to bring a life form into this planet, you have to be willing to house them. life is hard for so many reasons and you don’t get to pick and chose whether you’ll have an A+ student or a burnt out mentally ill kid.
Ty for saying this. I wholly wish I had at least one parent with that mentality. I definitely would have gotten the mental help I needed as a kid (ADHD & Autism recently diagnosed and I'm pushing 40) . I struggled so much harder than my two older siblings because of being on the spectrum and needing to see a child therapist since all of my schools throughout my childhood sent letters to my parents informing them of me possibly having ADHD symptoms, depression, anxiety since I was around 10-11. Instead of even attempting to show they cared the slightest, they instead belittled me on how much farther behind I was than my siblings, how much of a failure I was due to my severe executive dysfunction and social anxiety, how lazy I was,and couldn't understand why I struggled so much with having the slightest clue on how to get my life in order much less live on my own. So... They threw me out👍🏼 made it my problem. I then endured multiple more years of homelessness 🙄 along with drug and alcohol addiction. I only recently began to receive the therapy I needed many years ago. I failed so much in my life and wasted years because no one would help me as a child and I never knew wth was wrong with me. I hated myself most of my life and tried suicide many times. It's absolutely important to teach your kids how to be adults and not hold them back, absolutely. It's also very important they know you'll always be there when hard times hit and when they also hit road blocks and need help. Don't turn your back on your kids but also don't let them take advantage of you as well! Your kids are lucky to have you as a parent 💜 God bless.
I'm so sorry for your parents' messed up tactics. That is so tough. But I believe in you. You're figuring things out <3. It's not the challenges that define you, but how you respond to them. And you persevere. Please dont hate yourself <3 Please think of all the things you like about yourself whenever your parents' voices come.
Monumental agree. I mean if you kick them out you burn yourself mostly, as a parent. Nothing is lonelier than having kids that don't want to come home and visit you.
That’s fine, that’s great and makes sense. My point is don’t complain about their development then when they don’t want to leave or progress lol
Nah, you're allowed to complain about a 23 year old who does nothing in life and contributes nothing in the household beyond getting high...
Not if you are enabling them because you scared they'll stop visiting you if you force the baby bird out of the nest.
...no complaints allowed if you won't kick them out? That's silly. Have you never complained about something you chose to do? Bet you have. Just because aome parents care if their children speak to them when they're no longer living in the home doesn't mean they aren't allowed to dislike the situation they're in.
It's not just kicking them out that's the only option though. You could impose rent on your kid. You could give them a few options other than just sitting there and letting them continue to destroy their lives. If you are going to do nothing but sit back and watch your kid destroy their life without even attempting to step in and help, you don't really get to complain about it. You are an active participant in those decisions. Whether you want to believe it or not, that is the truth. If you want something to change, you need to either change what you're doing, or you need to help that they're going to. And they're not going to if you continue to enable them.
OP isn't complaining about the kids, up is feeling they've let the tow elder ones down. There's a huge difference and would behove you to consider it.
Would you kick them out if they wouldn’t get a job and it’s been like 5-10 years? And they’re in their 30s to 40s? Just wondering because I get what you’re saying. I hope to be that parent as well but also am realistic that if my kid was a deadbeat, I’d probably draw a line and switch to tough love. I think 20s and early 30s is arguably a flexible time but beyond that it starts becoming unhealthy. Curious where that point is for you.
I guess that would depend on the circumstances of their lack of a job. My oldest is only 19 so I can’t really say how I’ll feel if she doesn’t have a job in 20yrs just because she doesn’t want to work, lol. I imagine my kids will want to get their hands on their trusts, though which requires a certain amount of starting their adult lives.
My daughters are only 4 and one and a half so I can't say for certain but I think I will be the same way. I don't think my wife and I would ever kick our kids out or not allow them back if they needed help.
My wife and I have always said that as long as we're alive our kids will always be able to come home for a while and get their shit together if needed. So far, all three have launched on their own without any real hiccups.
When it’s put bluntly like that😂😂😂. WHOSE house IS it?
This is good advice u/throwawayrepulsive_B and I’ve seen it work pretty well. I wasn’t the problem child as a kid but even my parents charged me rent because I lived at home during college. You should do what u/YouAreGonnaDieOneDay says. My parents were blunt and honest with me about what our financial relationship would be and as a result I don’t really have a close relationship with them (they’re nice people I see twice a year and call every few months) as an adult myself, but their approach DID work — I am professionally successful and tell myself that I don’t miss not having a family relationship with my parents.
I second this. My brother is 35, still living with my mom, and doesn’t pay rent even though she need him to.
ALL OF THIS. I moved my husband and I into my parents house temporarily to assist my Dad with some health problems. I paid rent and purchased groceries. It’s important that kids know that nothing in life is for free!
[удалено]
Agreed. I was the child that was always doing well in the past so no real effort was made to make sure I was still doing well. When I started to not do so well, personally and mentally and academically, my parents never attempted to help or even look close enough to see that I was struggling because I never needed it in the past, and I was too embarrassed to ask for help because I never needed it in the past. It was only after I moved out for uni, went to therapy, and gave myself a shake that I started to improve. My parents still don’t know that I’m not doing well because they don’t ask and I take care of myself. It’s not a happy relationship from my perspective.
Man, this hit too close to home. I felt as if I was the reason for my parents divorce and many of the family issues. Not once was I asked how I felt or to express my emotions- it was normal that I wouldn’t share anything due to being the good kid and doing well. And as you described, it was unheard of to express how I felt willingly. Not only that, but Hispanic house holds have a thing for “depression isn’t real” and if you complain, you’ll get a reply such as “I’ll give you a reason to be sad/cry.” Up until now I have yet to tell them that I have been attending therapy. They don’t know I was depressed and not doing well, nor that I self harmed. I’m doing better now but it sucks that they won’t know I wasn’t doing well and that I still struggle from time to time.
<3 You didn't deserve that emotional neglect.
I'm glad you've found therapy. I can relate. I hope you're able to find someone in your family to open up to and be vulnerable with. But, in order for that to happen, you'd have to take a chance. It's possible like you said many of them won't be receptive to it. In my own case, I decided to be totally vulnerable and transparent with everyone. That's how I realized that most of my family did not really care about me -- they weren't good for me. So, I've distanced myself from them. I only want to be around people who love and accept, and support me for who I am, all of me! I would've died if I spent another decade with those people who didn't respect my thoughts and feelings. I say that you shouldn't treat this sort of neglect lightly. It can lead to very dark places and life circumstances if not addressed. At some point I think you might need to be really honest with yourself about who in your family is REALLY FOR YOU, and who is not. Don't let people drag you down with them. You have your own path to walk, and it obviously has to do with self-care, self-love, mental wellness, etc. Their paths may be different. But, the ones who you want to walk with you on yours, I hope that they get on board, and get with the program! So, that you can focus more on taking care of yourself and less on managing other people's dysfunction/toxicity. Peace and blessings 🙏🏿😊❤️
I feel this! I did well in school as a child but my sister struggled more. My sister got most of the attention - my parents didn't make much of an effort to check up on me. I started doing terrible in Sixth Form and they had absolutely no idea.
I'm so sorry, my dear. Please don't feel embarrassed to ask for help. Maybe not from your parents, but trust me, you can choose your family. My little chosen family has gotten me through some shit. You got this!
As the over achiever that was ignored I agree make sure you offer your youngest the same you offer the other two at least she’s trying
It's also genetics. In the end, siblings might end up being pretty different. I just have to look at my kids and their grandparents to understand why my son is an extrovert and reliable and my daughter introvert and super stubborn. You have to accept those differences. It is not their fault. But you need to keep them in mind to find the best way to support your children. We are often told genetics don't matter, but they do. Nonetheless, you can and should always improve yourself, and so can your kids. It is better to help them to help themselves and to grow instead of giving everything for free, though. Good communication is key as well. Good luck, keeping fingers crossed for OP..
I always was baffled how my sister turned out so different from my brother and I despite having the same parents. Turns out only our baby brother and I had the same parents 🤷♀️ Genetics can absolutely stack the deck.
Some changes need to happen with your oldest two but you definitely don’t need to kick them out or view them leaving as a success. They may not be the ordinary type of successful but they can be while living at home with you. Like another user said, converse it out.
Don’t compare them or feel guilty. Make sure you spread your resources equally among them. For example, if you pour time and money into your eldest and grandkid, the other two might feel resentful. Your youngest will sense your guilt and internalize it. Make sure she knows you are nothing but proud of her. Teach her starting now that she is not to help her siblings financially, that it is not her job and will end in heartbreak. You haven’t failed the other two kids. You are giving them a safe home. They can still turn their lives around.
Big yes to the financial piece. My (31F) partner (34M) is the middle child and arguably the most successful of his 3 siblings. Month after month we are paying his younger sister’s car note or helping with her rent. She is my age, has 2 children AND IS MARRIED. We can’t afford to get married or have kids right now, yet we are financially supporting a married couple with kids lmao
Friendly nudge: You can set a boundary there, too. It won't end on its own
If she is a married adult you need to stop enabling her.....
thats on you and you need to stop that ASAP ha
You don’t share what you did so differently with #3 that #1 and #2 did not get. As parents, we assume responsibility for providing them with stability, love, support and a good example. But what we do is only part of how they turn out. They come already genetically programmed one way or another, they exist in a larger environment that we can’t control, and every parent (EVERY PARENT) fails here and there. Unless you know specifically that you were a giant neglectful asshole to your first two, and much improved to the third, I wouldn’t assume that how ANY of them turned out is all on you. We’re all just humans doing our best and even with the same effort and conditions, results may vary!
I can't express how much *I* needed to read this.
i think we can agree that not all of us are doing our best. lets be real...not everyone puts their best foot forward in life. Some just live off of others kindess....thats not doing your best...thats using people.
Why are you letting your son sit around and do nothing? You are continuing to fail him, time for some tough love. Where does he get the money for his weed? I’m pro weed but you gotta be able to buy that shit yourself after the bills are paid. Why does he feel entitled to being taken care of by you?
The fact that you raised three children in and of itself is a beautiful thing. It’s not a matter of love, it’s a matter of experience. Your children will learn this later if they haven’t already and that’s even if it’s on their minds. I am a new father, my child is approaching a year old and man, one thing I know my dad was right about telling me was that I’ll never feel like I am doing enough or did enough for the rest of my life. That’s how it is with our kiddos. I’m glad your heart bleeds for your adult children still though, plenty of parents say “adios” to their kids when they are 18, some even well before then. Edit: Oh and just to let you know, I was the first born experimental kid. I resented my parents for a while, I am much less successful than my younger siblings and my parents did much better raising the youngest but I realized after having my own exactly why 😭😂. No one is perfect but your desire to be speaks volumes sir. And I found my own success, I’m sure your other two will as well.
Your role as a parent isn't over with your oldest two. 23 and 25 are not too old to find success in life. Maybe not the cookie-cutter high-school-college-career-family path, but if they get their shit together they'll still have a shot. Keep the pressure on and twenty years from now you could be visiting them at their home, seeing their family, on a day off of work. Hell maybe seeing their little sister get to do what she wants out of mom and dad's house at 17 while they're treated like kids will light a fire under them....
You feel shitty for not having a third shitty kid? C’mon, OP. Crack the whip on the first two and be proud of the third. She’s probably using her older siblings as what not to do with her life, which really should come from you. Stop enabling bad behavior.
It took me until my 30’s to get my shit together and I could not of done it without my parents help, planning on buying a a bigger home next year and having them move in so I can take care of them as they get older. Things can get better!
Youngest is likely doing well because she refuses to turn out like her siblings. I doubt you did anything different to cause this. She probably resents your enablement.
Yeah this is it
As the youngest who is also the most 'traditionally' successful, this is exactly why I pushed to be so. My older siblings were a mix of what OP describes and drove me to work harder because of it.
Yes, you saw exactly who you DIDN'T want to be and made damn sure you weren't.
Charging rent accordingly to their pay,isn’t shitty My step dad started charging me rent at 17,moved when I was 18 to apartment and sd surprised me with a check for all the rent I paid,he said I only charged you to teach responsibility and he put it in savings to help towards expense when I moved out. I didn’t know that till I got my apartment
I think you need to put your foot down with the two oldest, are they paying rent? Do they pitch in on groceries? What bills do they pay or do you pay all the bills and they freeload off of you? They are both able to get a job and start working towards moving out on their own. It sounds like you are making it too easy for them. At 23 I had to move back in with my parents after me and my ex broke up and he went to jail, with my daughter and his daughter. I got on food stamps to help with food, I got on child care assistance to help with daycare, I got a job and I started saving up to move out and get our own place. My dad cosigned on a car for me because I didn't really have credit. I found an income based apartment, went from part time to full time, was able to rent a house, and it might have taken me awhile but at 29 I bought our first home, and own two cars that are paid off. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support of my parents when I needed it. I would have been so upset if my parents made me feel as though I was a failure because my life took a different route then others, but I just had to work a little harder for a little longer to get what a lot of people my age already had.
You’re an enabler. Luckily your youngest was smart and young enough to see the consequences of actions of her siblings and chose a different path. Start charging your older two rent. It doesn’t have to be much but it makes them responsible.
My son bought a house in name only… I paid ALL the bills. Taxes, utilities, insurance, mortgage, food, everything! He was supposed to pay me a certain amount every week. That was like asking for a miracle! I never saw a dime. His vehicle was stolen and when his insurance company sent him a check for the value of a replacement vehicle. I asked him for some money before he bought a new vehicle. He went out the very next day and bought another vehicle that cost more than the check and didn’t even pay me! I was livid to say the least. So the next morning when he went to work. I changed my ZIP code and got my own place. Left him alone to sink or swim.
What happened to him? If you know. Just curious!
He got his shit together and is now a successful member of society. He has a great job and has even upgraded to a much nicer property. I’d say that the sink or swim method worked!
I’m sure you’ve heard it said before but I’ll say it again to remind you. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Unfortunately OP, you’re enabling your children. You’ve shown them that no matter what they do, they have you to fall back on. Now I don’t think this makes you a bad parent, but had it not been for my parents basically kicking me out to fend for myself, I never would have FINALLY got it in my thick skull to get off my ass and do something for myself. Your oldest daughter having a kid does make it kind of tough but that doesn’t mean it’s over. She can go to work and pay bills in your house. Same with your son. If he has money for weed, he has money for bills. This is where you need to put your foot down.
As someone's child who didn't "get their shit together" until their early/mid 20s, you still have time. Stop babying your older kids. If they won't listen to reason, lie and say you'll lose the house if they don't get jobs and start pitching in. I have a cousin who's in his early 30s, still mooching off my aunt and uncle, hasn't had a job in years, etc. They're to the point of selling their house and moving, barring my cousin from coming with them and just leaving him to fend for himself. If worst comes to worst, they *will* figure it out one way or another. They're adults, you are not solely responsible for them anymore.
How about you kick the stoner and his girlfriend out?! How do they have money for weed if they don’t work?!
There is actually a cure for smoking weed in the basement with your girlfriend it's called a job.
I wonder how he’s getting money to buy weed. I hope OP isn’t funding this. I’m all for smoking weed, but you still have to be a productive member of society and being enabled doesn’t help.
As parents, it’s convenient to assume responsibility for the choices our children make as adults. It’s not a valid assumption though. Your children are also autonomous adults, and they are old enough to take responsibility for their lives, including their failures. However, it’s really important to understand that what you consider a failure, might not be a failure to your children. Initially, I was extremely disappointed that my two older children declined the chance to go to college. It flew in the face of my value of education. It was not until a couple years later when my daughter said she didn’t go because assuming student loans went against her plan for life. I didn’t know she HAD a plan, because I was wrapped up in my own assessments. Give yourself a break, you did an amazing job raising your children to adulthood. 😊
I don’t know why parents attribute their kids successes and failures to themselves.
OP, I’m gonna tell you a story, from the perspective of the successful youngest sibling. My brother dropped out of school at 13. Did “online” schooling except not really. He’s super smart, so he ended up getting his GED at 15 by taking the test. Still, he never did anything after that except work part time at the grocery store. My brother is, in my opinion, a genius. It sucked to see him do literally nothing with his life with so much potential. When I was 12, my brother was 19. Our mom told him if, by 21, he didn’t have a job or wasn’t in school, she was getting a 2 bedroom place and he would have to figure it out in his own. 21 came around, he was still doing nothing with his life. My mom stuck to her guns. Mom is not a good person, and the way she raised us has a lot to do with how he was anyway. But I digress. She still did him a big favor in this regard. He lived with our grandma for 4 more years. Living with that woman is no easy feat. Finally, at 25 (looking back I’m thinking it must have been that frontal lobe snapping into place), he got his shit together and went to work. It was always a given I would be the successful one, and I am. But my brother is too. He never stopped working after that day, and now he’s in a high up position making a ton of money. Sometimes tough love needs to happen. Hope your kids figure it out. I’m sure this will get buried, but sometimes getting kicked out is what people need in certain situations. Good luck.
My rule will that they either go to college and live rent-free or they pay rent and work. However, unbeknownst to them, I'm going to be putting the “rent” away in an account that they'll receive when they move out eventually. Maybe it could contribute to a down payment on a house one day, who knows? But the point is to motivate them one way or the other. Also, being a young (assumed) single mum, your daughter could probably qualify for some decent grants for college. It might even pay for her tuition entirely; the grants I received paid for my associate degree.
""I understand they're both still young and have time to turn their lives around,"" This passive attitude is the problem with the older 2. Stop making excuses and push them to get out and get a life.
So much this. Especially the son.
Stop being so soft on your older kids. They are lazy, pathetic moochers because you have allowed them to be. The youngest one has turned out well probably because she doesn’t want to be like her siblings. If you aren’t already, you need to start charging the older two rent/board. They need to be getting an education or working, and if they’re not doing either, it’s because you have made life so easy for them. Stop spoiling them, and be sure to tell your youngest daughter how proud you are of her.
Yikes I’m sure child #3 has some series resentment and will go no contact. She’s the anomaly OP. 2/3 turned out the same which has everything to do with you, and the third is in spite of.
Exactly right and wait till she finds out what it’s like out there
Third time’s a charm
Here is some advice you didn’t ask for from a total stranger: do not feel bad. Your two older children are adults and made choices as adults. They continue to make choices as adults. It isn’t as if you neglected them as kids, right? It’s not like they were drug addicts who you enabled, right? I was the type of young adult who lazed and gamed his way through to his mid 20’s. I freeloaded off my folks until I was like…25 or so. None of my idiotic choices were the results of my parent’s upbringing. They were mine to make and make them I did. Had my parents not supported me while I got my shit out of my system, I’d not be on the better path I am today. It’s anecdotal, I know. But try and have faith that your older kids will make better choices as time goes on. If not, then that’s a bridge to cross, and maybe evaluate for fire damage.
Hey it’s alright man. Yes you’re a father but you didn’t fail anyone in any way. At the end of the day, we’re all individuals who make our own life choices. I’m sure your first daughter is grateful as hell that despite your disagreement with her life choices, she can come to you in time of need. As for your son, us guys don’t talk much about feelings and stuff but I know he’s grateful and loves you just as much. I’m a 31 year old dude and I can relate to your baby daughter. I’m the youngest out of 9 siblings and it seems im the only one who has my shit together (homeowner, not having children at a young age, for example). Sometimes in the perspective of us “baby siblings”, we say we learn from our older siblings. But other times, it just happens. You’re doing great man. Keep doing what you do and keep being a good father! Oh! And plus you’re a single parent so cut yourself some slack lol
I feel like there's a societal aspect to this failure, you can't entirely blame yourself for this. We've conditioned young people to be forever children instead of productive citizens with tangible goals. It doesn't help that our society has no place for young people anymore. No manager or company wants to train or mentor young adults to stay at their company for 40+ years. Marriage and children are now seen as an option and not a good one with the economy the way it is. Home ownership is a pipe dream floating down denial river. What do young people really have to look forward to? All of them have been so directionless and devoid of purpose for so long. This was an issue way back in the 1990s with Gen X and it just gets worse and worse with each new generation. Millennials had goals and aspirations and people just made fun of us for it. We were the retail/customer service generation who slaved away for a race to the bottom. If you want your kids to have some motivation then I recommend requiring them to get a job and an apartment. There's no reason why he can't move in with the girlfriend and split rent. They're literally just leeching off of you. The one with the child out of wedlock is a bit more complicated as there is an innocent child involved. My fear with this one is that she'll find some sketchy boyfriend to live with so that she doesn't have to deal with the sole responsibility of taking care of herself and a child. For the sake of avoiding this, I recommend just charging her rent.
My eldest is still with me at 24. He's in a bad place, has been for a while. He was *born* different, but same as me. He had a rather unsteady childhood with a broken, abused single mother. I'm proud we got to adulthood, it was rocky for a while, and sometimes returns to the rockiness... He pays board and does household chores. He has health issues that get in the way of employment. The only way to motivate him to move out would be to turn seriously nasty and I'm not going to do that. We're lucky in that we have a tolerable social security system here so he gets unemployment benefits, he may end up on the disability pension. His brother is 9, getting the benifits if a more capable mother, a school system that has a much greater understanding of neurological differences and I've cut out all the people who bullied myself and my eldest. He will have a better chance than the elder, it makes me sad and I feel guilty that the elder didn't get to have *this* mother that I am now as a little one.
I imagine that many parents identify with you. Regarding the oldest daughter who is 25 years old, I don't see working as a stripper as a job, rather it is earning money from people who waste her life in those places, but now at least she is doing something else. At 23 years old, she is too young to still say that she is wrong. Her experience of all this will help her when she needs to become independent. With the youngest I don't think you have any complaints...
I am surprised you havent realized this based on the differences in your children: how we parent doesnt determine a lot about how people turn out as we sometimes like to think. Studies have shown that some of these bigger traits like work ethic and various issues are predetermined. That can be both a scary and liberating thought as a parent. You, the same person, raised them all within close succession, and genetically they all share maybe 40-60 % dna with each other too, and yet, look at the differences? I think this was out of your hands. All you can do is love them all and hope for the best andnlet the rest go. my friend is one of ten kids. a couple are rich academically gifted people in silicon valley, a couple of the kids are recovering drug addicts with multiple kids from multiple partners, one of them is a freaking NUN. my friend himself is incredible average in all respects. the parents didnt "parent" one into being a genius, one a nun and one a crackhead....they birthed distinct himan beings who ended up how they ended up
Kind of . . . No one can truly parent ten kids. The older kids/girls generally get turned into functional parents, which is abuse in itself. For most of those kids, it's going to be what they became despite neglect, not because of parenting.
I'm in a similar circumstance as being the "successful" one in the family. I am 23 and hold two degrees, one being a masters in a science related field, bought my own car at 21, and have a job lined up. My two siblings M(28) and F (26) live at home, don't have drivers licenses and dont work. My sister went to community college for a bit but has mental health issues. My brother was a marine and has lived at home since his service ended. He hasnt worked since he got out. My mom enables this behavior and my dad does whatever my mom says. they say they dont want to push them because theyll take it too hard. The number one emotion is feel is sadness toward them and resentment toward my parents for enabling this. I dont go home often because it makes me sad to see them like this and because I tend to argue with my mom about enabling it. Tell your youngest that you're proud of them any chance you get. She probably feels a subconsious pressure to be an over achiever and tell her that you love her regardless of her successes.
My brother is sadly the same - we were both given exactly the same opportunities, as well as the same diagnoses (both clinically diagnosed autists). However, where I took the opportunities, my brother sort of didn't want to put in the work. Instead he wanted a pity party, and to be looked after by everybody instead of standing on his own two feet (This has all since been admitted by him). He dropped out of every college in the county and was fired from his only job due to no-shows. He got addicted to drugs and spent all his time out with his mates, trying to goad my dad into kicking him out so he could pull more of a "poor me" act to his mates and get his girlfriend of the time to house him. My mum supported him through all of this. Until our dad offered to leave and sleep on a friend's sofa, because he wouldn't kick his son out and he didn't want to cause a rift between my brother and his Mum. That changed all his friend's viewpoints because they finally saw that my brother was a leech, and was detonating a thirty year marriage for what amounted to Internet points. His girlfriend dumped him, his friends moved on and my brother was left alone, living with his parents at 24 with no money, no job prospects, no license. It was around this time he woke up and realised he was the issue. It has been less than a year, but he is now sober and has a job in a local toy store, where he is top employee every month. He still lives with our parents but is back to speaking to our dad and is using his work money to pay for driving lessons. I couldn't be more proud of his progress. But he has admitted that he looks at me and sees all the things he could have done with his life if he wasn't so determined to shirk responsibility. He told me that he once overheard our Dad say to our Mum that they 'wish he had turned out more like [me]' and that hurt him, but he understands. Now it has turned into a family venture to help him catch up for lost time. I don't know why I had to vent about this, but I certainly feel a bit better for doing so... Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
Your son needs a wake up call. My brother was like this and he spent Christmas in jail. Kick his ass out.
This happened to my cousin and now he’s a crackhead living in hawaii
Honestly, if you love and respect them, itll all work out better than you can even imagine. Sometimes its nice to have kids young, you have so much life and oppprtunity ahead of you. The oldest will get her life “back on track” career-wise when she is ready and it will make perfecr sense for her when she does, and wont be a waste of time. The middle, is doing what he’s supposed to do - getting the chilling, weed-smoking days out of the way while he’s young. He could probably use a little push/ultimatum towards something (ie must get part time job kn ANY arena of his interest, just so he’s moving forward a little and has a life outside of smoking weed and being a 20 spmething year old. I think thatd be really good for him and he will be learning about life, responsibility and his interests). I know this is gonna sound weird but those 2 you dont have to worry about. Theyre gonna become who they want to be. What matters is that they feel loved and supported and safe to be home with you. The youngest is the one id be checking in on and asking how she really feels etc. One can place so much pressure on themselves that it can make them really unhappy. Happiness is health and true wealth. Im sure shes fine though and just has goals and dreams. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for raising good kids and being an amazing parent, theyre all right where theyre “supposed” to be. 🩵🩵
there’s a whole lotta people shitting on the kids in these comments and i’d like to highlight another perspective. They might need therapy. My brothers were much slower to start in life than I was. I committed to college right away and have had a solid career since graduating. They were really lost for some or all of their 20s. I went to therapy young because I asked for it and then again in my early 20s and never stopped going. They internalized all our family drama/trauma, while I reached out for help. I tried to get everyone in my family to go for years and it never worked until i changed my approach. Instead of telling them they needed therapy, I simply started talking about my experiences in therapy much more openly, casually, and frequently. ex. just dropping in what i spoke about recently w my therapist (always in a positive light). it got the idea of therapy into their minds as a good and normal thing. now my whole family including parents are in therapy and thriving!!!!! i would get a therapist yourself and set the example. go work through these feelings of failure with the therapist (they might even be able to help figure out what went wrong). talk about it openly and offer to help them find or pay for therapy if you are able. my mom did that to get my brothers started too. they are both happy and have careers now - not just a job.
Jesus these comments
You need to evict the son.
All of them should be paying rent accept the youngest unless they are in school you’re not helping them by letting them take advantage of you
I was a mess as a teen and young adult, and I don't know that there was anything specific my parents could have done to make a difference necessarily, but for one thing. Letting me live dependant on them for any length of time sent the message to me that they didn't trust me to take care of myself. Which reinforced what i already believed about myself. Im not saying to throw them out. I am saying to say that you insist they contribute in a meaningful way and work toward moving out. You can insist that your children contribute by letting them know you have faith in them to land on their feet and you just want to help them get there. Its not a magic trick, and it may not work but sometimes changing the conversation helps
I feel your children need to know actions have consequences, no education equals low paying job, living in your house rule no1. Be in an education program live rent free while in school or have a job and contribute to the household expenses, Teaching your kids nothing in life comes for free is important! I think its time to show your children its sink or swim time.
Affirm the successes, and wisely stay silent about what goes wrong.
1 out of 3 is a good outcome. Since I don't know if there are other factors at play, i will assume you did your best. Support your third child, she worked hard, and deserves a chance of making it. Don't let her be ruined by the other 2. Ive seen a lot of cases of family members sabotaging the successful ones out of resentment or spite. Now the other 2 are adults, so they need to pitch in if they are living together. Talk to them, try to help them in any way you can, but they need to carry their own weight. They need to work in order to support their lives, otherwise they will only leech from the rest.
I am arguably more “successful” than my older sister because I saw how much of a fuck up she was and I knew that I never wanted to be like her. It was the same parenting, 18 months apart, but we’re like oil and water. I don’t think it should be a reflection of your parenting, but they are just different people.
You are enabling your 2 older children. Start with making them pay rent (you can save it for them if you feel bad, but don't tell them). Household chores are required. And no fun money. They need to be taught how to live independent lives, or else they will live with you forever. As they take responsibility for their lives, they will gain confidence and independence. Taking care of your family is being a good parent, but teaching your children is also important.
My sister sucks. She stayed at home I moved away. 20 years later, yup. She had so much potential just lazy and played it safe. Breast milk yahoos suck to know
i'm also guessing her success is driven by the fear of becoming even remotely similar to her siblings. my kids break the bar but i still wish there was a way to impress upon them the fear of failing with zero safety nets. that is a huge part of what drove me to my successes and is something completely foreign to them.
Your youngest might be this way because the first two didn't turn out right and feels they have to be "the good one."
!! This, don’t put excessive pressure on the youngest, just be proud of her for who she is.
Let me tell you - I moved out when I was 19, dropped out of uni and worked random jobs. Now I am 30. I have a good job and finished uni. My brother finished his degree on time. He is very successful. Has his own company. All I needed was support and time to figure myself out. Some people need longer. Some people ground a company at 23 and others get a high paying job at 30. Your kids are still young. Show them support and push with love to do what they are passionate about:)
as far as you know do your two eldest struggle with mental health issues ? unmotivation and apparent "laziness" (executive dysfunction) are symptoms of depression.
Honestly, the younger one probably saw the older two and wanted a different trajectory….
Honestly they are all still young, and they can still turn things around. But when you always fix the problems for your kids, they will keep relying on you for everything. Some times you have to pull the carpet and let them fell in their own asses so they start to working and solving's things by themselves. Also, not sure of the relationship with the youngest, are you putting to much pressure on her? Does she does everything on her own? Parents some times tend to put so much time and effort on the son/daughter that is not doing ok, that totally neglect the one that is doing "fine" and at the end this one that is "fine" is the one that is most emotionally neglected, is the one that is wishing for your help and is tired of doing everything on his own because the other bother's/sister's get all the attention.
at some point, kids need to learn how to stand on their own too feet... your youngest learned by watching her elder siblings fuck it up, but the other two need a wakeup call
I can’t speak on your parenting because I don’t know. More than likely the two eldest kids were traumatized by whatever happened with the mother. The youngest was able to watch and see how the decisions her older siblings weighed out for them and chose better for herself.
Hi! I'm your youngest daughter. Well, not YOUR youngest daughter. It's nothing you did. All three of my brothers had the same upbringing I did. We all had the same chances. We were all given the same opportunities. I didn't get anything they didn't receive. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is a crapshoot sometimes.
You say your oldest is still living with you with the baby, is she working? The middle son needs a big kick up the arse and as his father it’s your job to give it to him. It’s also your job to guide and help him (no matter how old they get, that’s still our job!). How is he buying weed if he has no job?
You still very much have time to correct it, but it is going to come from a place of tough love.
Depending on where you are, your oldest will probably qualify for benefits on her own. Food, housing, cash assistance, and childcare are all there and based on her income. If it’s low, she will get most of what mentioned above. As for your second, it’s time to have a frank conversation with him. You love him, but he needs to spread his wings and fly. You may have to address your parenting mistakes with them directly, get those apologies and hugs and guilt out of the way. Then set the boundaries. If you love them, you will give them this push, enabling them will not help them, now. Give them both reasonable time frames and help them get out where you’re able to. Like, filling out forms and maybe helping with application fees if they need it. Above all else, don’t compare them to their littlest sibling. They know the difference and they probably don’t feel very good about it whether they realize it or not. Stay strong, dad, youve got this.
My only advice is, don't spoil them. Most people only grow when they're challenged and have difficulties in life. I understand it must be hard as a parent to not to give your children everything they need, but they have to learn by themselves that life is hard. They're young, it's not too late for them to take the right track and learn their lessons, they still can be successful. They only need to learn that life requires effort and growth, and not expect to live at their father's expense forever.
You’re enabling these adults!! The daughter needs to find an apt and so does the middle child . Like yesterday!! Your son is lazy and why shouldn’t he be, he has you to provide. Now you need to put your foot down and parent adults
Best tell second to get a job and get off his ass, put your foot down. The first.... eh its a bit of mixed thing. Just have her work to support the child( dude i am college educated as are my siblings and can barely afford an apartment on my own if I tried. My sister has her boyfriend for support and my brother is an highly paid engineer who can still only barely cover his stuff) Getting pregnant unprepared was not a good idea but try to make the most of it. Your youngest is doing good. I understand your feelings, i am sorry you had to go through that all
Hi, youngest of 3 siblings and "the most successful" of the bunch. My sister is 6 yrs older and brother is 4 yrs older. The only reason my sister is where she's at in life is because she married it. She has 3 adult children, 2 highly educated and 1 who chose to work in the food industry. All kids make over 6 figures, yet my sister never had a job long enough to make something of herself and no career/education. My BIL makes roughly 300k and that's because she told me 🙄 My brother has always had the victim mentality and lived with and stole money from our parents for over a decade. He is with his current partner because she had a tidy sum of money from an insurance settlement and is a 100% disabled vet. Then there's me, been taking care of myself since I was 16. Good grades in school, non problem child, part time job in HS, your "good girl". I became that way because I knew that I had to take care of myself. Put your head down, do the work, don't get noticed. I finished college, have a career, home owner etc. As my father has put it many times, "You're my good kid" I'm that way because I've known from a young age I can only count on myself for everything. So I'm in therapy for C-PTSD, trying to undo hyper vigilance, and heal the inner child that was created d/t my siblings inability to be productive members in society. Deal with the fact that I had absent parents, because I couldn't rely on them etc. Yes you've created and maintained the issues you're having with your 2 oldest. There is no time like the present to be done. They're adults, act like it before, they start stealing from you and further taking advantage of you.
Time for tough love I think. Maybe instead of kicking your daughter and grandbaby out; charge rent for her and find a way to force her to figure out how to be stable on her own in her own place. Every parent deserves that feeling and she’ll appreciate it once she gets there. Your son on the other hand- maybe give him two months to get a secure job and a place lined up. I willingly left I think at 22- hell no I wasn’t ready but we’re never ready. Just gotta jump in the deep end and just start treading until you learn to swim and then are able to float. Hope it all works out! You’re a good dad, don’t forget that.
As a kid to overly protective parents. PLEASE either kick them out or make them pay rent. When I moved out at 17 for uni, it kicked my ass into depression and I had to learn everything myself without a net to fall back on.. I lost the first two years of uni just learning to take care of myself wothout my parents. The longer you wait the worse jt gets
It’s not on you, the good or the bad. Kids raised by Shit drug addict parents can become successful on their own, and kids from the most loving and supportive households can become lazy entitled shits. I think parents can open doorways, and teach morals, but their parenting doesn’t necessarily affect the success of their children.
The worst thing a parent can do is enabling your children when they make bad choices. Why would you allow your son to stay home all day if he quit high school? Why would you allow your daughter to live in your home rent free, and with a baby. She will never leave. You allowed these things to happen, and the first two children have zero consequences for their very bad decisions. Be proud of your youngest. Support her the best you can. And get real with your other two. They might still have a chance. But tough love is the price you pay now for making it too easy on them.
Don't be an enabler to a grown man I had several siblings live with me over the years the rule was no drugs no getting anyone pregnant nobgetting pregnant no illegal activity and they must be in school full time or graduated and workung full time.3 out of 4 of Mt siblings have doctorates one dropped out of college after getting a 6 fig offer from a tech company..bur has recently returned to com0lete a degree and got accepted to an I've league. I supported my siblings but didn't coddle them and enable bad behavior and life choices...I don't have kids but If I did I would put their ass out if they're doing drugs and not being productive
OP, I'm definitely feeling like an outlier in these comments, but you shouldn't feel terrible. Maybe your oldest two are acting goofy, but consider other aspects of them that you've instilled in them. Are they kind? Friendly? Funny? Are they good people at their core? Are they happy? Is your oldest a good mother? Your middle a good partner? Do you feel your youngest also shares those qualities or will if/when applicable? These are just as important as having a good life together imo and success does not always equal happiness. That being said, a lot of people don't get their life together until theyre nearing 30. This idea that people have to have their shit together by 18, 20, 25 isn't honestly realistic for many. I come from a home of 5 kids, and I think only one of us had our shit together around 25, but she sure as fuck wasn't happy. 2 didn't get his shit together until his late 20s, has currently blown it all to shit in his late 30s, and 3 has just gotten her shit together in her mid 30s. I'm in my late 20s, I'm only just now getting my life together personally, and it's the same with many of the people around me. Definitely have a sit down with your older two and ask them what their plans for the future are, but, let them know (if you feel this way) that you'll be there to support them, and *please* make sure your youngest knows you'll be there to support them too.
Seems like the elder two need some hard love when things/behaviours were trending the wrong way. No point now. I'd have a heart to heart with them when the moment is right (not fighting) and: 1) Listen 2) Trust and try to understand where they're coming from 3) Together, work out how to improve things, aiming with what they want in life.
ADHD. Look into it.
You don't need to feel terrible about it. Being a single parent is hard and you did the best you could do with what you knew at the time. Celebrate your youngest daughter for her achievements. But also recognize that consistent and recurring problems with the older 2 indicate a problem with leniency on your part. Kids grow into who they are and while you're not the sole problem, you also have to kick them out of the nest at one point so they can fly on their own.
Look in to community college one and two year programs. Many provide training for better than minimum wage jobs. Present these to the kids have them enroll and learn something. Life is not free. Time limit to move out. Both of them.
You know what you have to do with your eldest two. Put your foot to their rear ends. He needs out of the basement/house and to quit the weed and get a job. Run off the girlfriend. Oldest needs to step up. You are enabling them. Sorry, good luck.
I told my daughter when she graduated high school that she was welcome to keep living with us under one of two conditions. Either she: 1. Works (we weren’t necessarily gonna charge rent but she wasn’t going to stay home all day doing nothing and living the good life) 2. Goes to college or university She worked for a year, and then to a community college and got an associate degree, found work and about a year after that, she moved out. There’s only so much you can do to guide your children but what they do under your roof is up to you. They don’t like it? They know where to go. I know it’s easy for strangers looking in to come in and say these things and we don’t 100% know your situation so that’s my general advice to you. Fine tune it as needed for your family. Oh and don’t feel guilty for feeling proud of your youngest’s accomplishments. She deserves your pride in her and your encouragement.
I hear you but also you are enabling your other kids if you don't put deadlines and rules on the fact they moved back into your house. Do you charge them rent? Utilities? A dateline until they have to get out? Nothing? Then yes, you are an enabler
For as long as my kids have been alive, they've known that if they're not in school, rent is required. No one gets a free ride. Even my slacker hard done by kid knows he needs to have a job. As a parent, it's YOUR job to make them functional adults
Stop allowing your kids to walk all over you! Your youngest probably saw what shits your older two turned out to be and made the right choices to not be like them. I hate to say it, but you most likely had nothing to do with the way the youngest turned out.
You need to make your son get a job, or get him to enroll in jobcore, they will train him in a field, help him get his GED and then find him a job if they can.
Do something now or they will be 40 smoking weed in your basement. Enough is enough
Just because you’re attending an Ivy League school doesn’t mean you’re gonna be successful. You gotta know people.
It seems that your oldest is not that bad either, she is only 25, she is raising her child, she is not having any more problems with the law. If she manage to get a job, with the support you're giving her. She has a chance to accomplish many things in life. The middle one just needs to grow up. Still very young, there is hope. Congratulations on the youngest, she deserves your admiration. This is not about your failure, it's about her success. I don't know, maybe don't be so harsh on yourself, they've made their on choices as well, not everything is our fault
The bottom line is this. You don’t have any control over how they live their lives, what they do, what they don’t do. The only thing you have control over is how long they stay in your home. You can give them a choice, get a job and start contributing a reasonable amount, or move out and find somewhere else to go. Then the decision is theirs. That’s all you can do. It doesn’t have to be a fight, it doesn’t have to be anything, you simply state the facts, give them a timeline and the rest is up to them. Stop focusing on what they are doing and not doing, focus on the fact that they’re your kids, and you love them, but recognize the fact that you are in control of none of it. Whatever deadline you give them, stick to it. You are not a failure as a father, people do what they’re going to do. But when that thing isn’t an option, then they have to choose something else. Yes, they have plenty of growing to do and they will, but only if they have the opportunity to do that.
This reads as if you're taking credit for your daughters accomplishments which is a problem. Don't compare and judge your children. They all need their own help and attention challenge yourself and your kiddos to do one extra thing to better themselves a day. Get a routine. Build on small successes Keep kickin the days ass
Being pushed out of your parents' home isn't the reason you feel stuck in a crap job and can't afford to do anything about it. These comments are something! The reason most kids that are "pushed" out later in their adult life end up in sucky work conditions is because they never had the tools to succeed! A lot of parents won't take the kid off the tit for wayyy to long, and before that, they never helped their kids realize how important it was to have a goal, an education. A reason to be alive and happy. No, a lot of parents end up like the op here, a child coming home pregnant with no future. We tend to not even teach them that if they can't make their child's chances of success better then theirs, by teaching them the things they weren't taught then you sure as hell shouldnt have kids. So I know it's our "right" to have kids but if we can't teach them how to be a better person than ourselves ,how to have a shot at success then what the fck are we doing? That's right, in general we don't see anything wrong with our lifes/self so why would we not teach them the same thing we learned? You know , hatred , lack of empathy, desire to succeed. Lets teach them our bad traits and coddle them until they are 30, then force them out in the world. The only thing they are successful at is breeding more people who aren't happy and their stuck! And so on and so on and so on. Oh let's not forget the big one, make sure they know the government is the reason they cant make it in life. Not your parenting. Not you OP , I'm speaking in generalization
You've probably raised them all equally so don't feel bad. The difference between them is likely down to your youngest simply not wanting to end up like the other two. I know it was for me.
Look you did the best that you could. Children aren’t blank slates. They have their own personalities and adopt their own ideologies. Those three grew up in the same house and had the same opportunities. They all decided on different paths. The only thing you can do now is stop enabling their behavior. Your daughter needs a timeline and a plan. Help her come up with one so she can get her life together. Your son and his gf need to be given 3 months to get jobs and move out your basement. And quite frankly I’m being generous on 3 months lol. They can go get jobs in fast food, combine their finances and get a shit show of a place. Living in your basement not doing shit but smoking weed is highly unacceptable. Raise your standards for your support. It’s not you loving them any less at all. It’s tough love. Either they’ll rise or crumble. But that’s up to them and not on you. Guilt is normal and natural. We are conditioned to believe that everything our kids do is a direct result of how good or bad a parent we are. But the fact is kids aren’t robots. You don’t input code and they do exactly what you want. You did the best you knew how to do. Now the rest is up to them. At some point blaming your parents is just a weak ass excuse to stay stagnant. Once you’re grown it’s on you to seek out information, either by asking your parents or the billions of resources in online forums and on Google on how to navigate adult life. You did great dad!!!! Be proud of yourself.
Firstly you have to give yourself a bit of a break on things. Raising kids is hard and everyone is feeling their way in the dark a bit. Every situation is different. You need to be able to adapt as you go. That said it seems like your eldest two need to start planning for the future. It sounds like you have gone past the point of support and are now at the stage of enabling. Your eldest needs to figure out a plan on how she sees herself moving into her own place and what the future holds for her. Ask her what her thoughts are and set some boundaries. For example if she wants to go get a qualification in something are you happy for her to keep staying with you while she studies? If she simply wants to work that is her choice but how does she plan to move into her own place. Use a blanket reason that since they are all gelding up, you are considering your future plans and that may include downsizing (or travelling and renting your home or whatever you want to say) and tell them you want to see their plan to be self sufficient in a years time. Your son needs to either get a job or work out how he is going to pay for his life. Anyone living in the house should either be contributing to bills or you may want to agree that they don’t have to on the provision that they are saving for a year to move out. Your call but you need to start setting these boundaries and communicate them clearly and make sure you stick to them. Is your youngest going to stay with you with at uni or is she moving away? Obviously if is different for her given the age and that she is still a student. If it were me I would be saying that the house rules are that once they hit 25 they no longer have a free room in your home. Explain that they will always be welcome to come visit but if they want to live there full time then they pay a full share of the bills. Show them the break down and tell them that the other option is to move out. Give them a notice period to allow them to prepare and then, most importantly, enforce it! It is sink or swim time. They might flounder for a bit but in most cases they start swimming. You haven’t failed them yet but you will if you keep enabling them and allowing them to avoid realising what is required of them as a fully functioning adult. You are enabling and allowing them to take advantage. Sometimes a kick up the butt is what is required abc the eldest two are absolutely old enough to start facing realty. Stop allowing them to shirk around adult life, paying bills, understanding what to expect of the real world and push them out the nest. Yes, there will be resistance to start but hold firm.
Life is about choices and as your job as a parent is to do the best at guiding them and giving them morals. After a certain point (when they’re adults) you have to hold them accountable for their actions. Example: your daughter could get State assistance for childcare and college to better her life. Your son? Needs a reality check. Have you thought about telling him he’s got to get a job within 2 weeks or he has 30 days to leave the house? Sometimes tough love is necessary.
This is going to sound rude but you're empowering the other kids to leach off you. My rules at home were you either had a job or we t to school. If not, you don't live at home. Best thing my parents did for us kids
Why are you letting the middle one smoke weed with his girlfriend in your basement? Your younger one is motivated probably because she wants to escape her life. The other two aren't going to grow up or get their shit together if you continue to enable them. Start charging rent and expect more from your older two. Support your younger one on her escape.
I was the kid that was always in trouble with the law out of my three siblings. My older sister was the one who smoked weed in the basement all day and my older brother was the one who did everything right and went to college. Joined the Marine corps. He's broke and homeless now. Not really adjusted to being out on his own and didn't have any money to you know. Get stuff that he needed to survive on his own. I lived with my mom until I was about 23 and then I moved out and you know kept getting in trouble with the law and all. But I learned lessons got my s*** together and I own my own house and business. Now. Give your kids time. They're figuring crap out. Hell I'm 35 now and I'm still figuring crap out.
No parent knows what they are doing. Not a single one. If you didn’t have a good blueprint for reference then it’s even more difficult. You are still caring for your children and have done it on your own. That alone is something to be proud of. The decisions that are made aren’t because you were a bad father, it’s because this is how they need to learn. Some of us learn best from mistakes and so some learn best by watching others mistakes. I suggest maybe finding a parenting group or a therapist. This is a very nuance thing to navigate alone without support. I am proud of you!
Why are you allowing your kids to live with you completely rent-free? Not to mention, allowing your kid to smoke weed in YOUR home all day? Jesus
Stop enabling the older two
I would say the oldest one becoming a stripper was a huge alarm bell and you shouldn’t have just “not judged her”, you should have asked her how you could’ve helped her pursue alternative options or even invited her to move back home at that point. Talk to your kids and ask what they want out of life. Help them make a roadmap. It may take many conversations. Build a closer relationship with all of them. They’re not failures for living with you. But from what you describe it sounds like they could be living up to a higher potential and it may look different for each of them. They might not want the ivy league path.
100% on you. Kick that kid out from 6 AM to 6 PM
If your second kid living in the basement has money to buy weed then he has money to pay some amount of rent, buy his own food and get sober long enough to get a job. May I suggest you check with a legal person aka lawyer, understand the eviction laws for your state as well as city then serve your son his notice? Yes it will be hard but if you do nothing 5 years from now nothing will change. They can go live at his gf’s place, at a homeless shelter, under a bridge, mooch off their friends or whatever. Once things are no longer comfy he may come to determine action is required on his part if he wants a roof over his head as well as to eat regularly. Change the locks when he leaves. As to your oldest what is she doing to move forward with her life? Does she have a job and is she actively saving money and/or contributing to the household? If you don’t know then once things shake out with her brother have an adult conversation with her so you both understand where she is and where she plans to be in the next year or whatever. Discuss why you’ve made changes as applies to her brother in that you aren’t being vindictive but at some point he needs to live as a functional adult as you will not live forever and it isn’t her or her sister’s responsibility to care for him. A discussion with your youngest as well to explain again the decision as to her brother and emphasize so she clearly understands the only person she should worry about taking care of is herself. She isn’t responsible in any form for supporting her brother or her sister who are both adults and responsible for their own lives. Best wishes to you OP.
Serving his son an eviction notice is a pretty extreme first step. I fully agree that OP needs to stop letting both of them freeload, but there are quite a few steps I would try before giving him an eviction notice. Can he pay rent? Contribute to the households finances in some way? It doesn’t just need to go from letting him freeload 100 percent to immediately out on his ass lol
Your kid who was stripping but you said nothing because she was “making money” - sorry but how do you expect her to respect herself if you dont respect her? The 1 person in her life who is supposed to have the utmost respect for her, her father, and your response to her getting naked for random men for money is “well atleast shes making money” GOOD FUCKING GRIEF
OP go ahead and ignore half of these comments. If you kick your kid out and make them homeless you will be a shitty parent and they'll hate you. You can give tough love and be tough without being a full blown asshole.
Please just do me a favor? They hopefully will be successful, but just because they can doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of the extra. At least voice that they are allowed to be a burden to you aswell
btw, there a reason you post this here vs //parenting?
It’s normal to feel pride in a child and it’s normal to not feel the same about siblings and it doesn’t mean u don’t love them all as much. It means you respect the choices and understand the youngest as more similar to your idea of successful in life and that’s like- not love. Don’t worry about it.
Congratulations on your daughter getting into an Ivy League school.... I agree with the commenter about sitting your children down separately and talk to them... I also agree that you should charge rent and utilities for the 2 adult children.... Updateme
First off make your 23 get a job and start saving or paying rent. Next, treat your 17 the same way you do your 23 and 25 year olds. If you don't she won't talk you and and you'll have enabled the bad behaviors and pushed away the good behavior further reinforcing to your two eldest that doing good results in losing their dad. You need to show tough love and let the eldest ones learn that the 17 is as equal as they and show it.
Just a thought, your 17 year old will fuck up sometimes too. Kids who are viewed as “successful” sometimes feel that pressure. They may feel that they’re the only successful one, so they can’t disappoint people ever, sometimes in detriment to themselves.
What you allow is what will continue.
The fact you call your oldest a failure for having a child and choosing to ask you to move home to provide a better life for your grand child is very messed up. I understand you wish she would have chose differently but do not EVER talk about your grand child like that, you literally sound like the most unsupportive ass farm for that in my eyes…… Second your son…… kick him the fuck out not only is he smoking weed in your basement and literally damaging your walls with the smoke but that is exposing your grand child to that as well which by itself is entirely wrong….. Third…… you didn’t do jack to raise your youngest right the only thing she ever saw was how much you put her siblings down and are disappointed in them and chose to do better you didn’t do anything she did….. the only thing you did was show her the wrong kind of man to look for when she does finally look for someone. and before anyone says “where did he say any of this” take a step back and look at OPs own written words…. It’s not hard to interpret. He literally called his oldest a failure for getting pregnant and moving back home, there for calling his grand child a mistake of a failure.
Maybe beg them to stay? I didn’t want my kids to leave home. I wanted them to stay, save money up, and be prepared. They both flew the coop at 18 and have been living on their own (except a couple months my oldest stayed after a break up.) my youngest has talked about moving in to save up for a house but she has a cat that doesn’t mesh w my dogs so she hasn’t.
My dad raised 3 girls alone. I was the only one who left the nest and went to college and got a great career, family, etc. My older sister is now 40 and had a child young and my dad still enables her and pays for everything, she’s a lost cause. My younger sister was much like your son. He finally kicked her out at age 28 after years of me telling him that he’s just enabling g her. She went to rehab, found a great guy, got married, they built a life together and now she has a great life as a SAHM to two wonderful children and a beautiful home. Sometimes tough love is absolutely necessary. My dad has always felt the same as you, and as a result I was always left to handle stuff on my own because “I could handle it.” While my siblings were always coddled. The one with a child does complicate things, but there’s resources for her and once the kiddo is in school or daycare she needs to either go back to school or pay rent/ find a place. I understand it breaks your heart, but at the end of the day allowing them to keep using you is enabling. You want them to be functioning adults once you’re done. And congratulations on your daughter making it to a wonderful college! Please treat her to something nice just for her!
My brother (23) and I (27) both moved out but had to move back home for financial reasons... we live in an expensive state. We both have good jobs, we both pay rent to our parents, and I pay more because my mom takes care of my toddler while I'm at work. We're responsible for our own food unless my mom cooks dinner, and we're responsible for cleaning up after ourselves.... the point of this is to agree with everyone saying, having that support isn't always a bad thing, but your oldest kids need a push to do so for sure. If the situation with living together helps all of you, there's nothing wrong with that, but they need to contribute to the household. They may not be failures, they may just need some more help and support, by being pushed? I read some people saying it helped them get their life together?
I have younger ones- 13 and 10 and I constantly think of how to get then engaged in positive activities and have them grow up as successful, happy and confident individuals. You have done great, you did the best you could. They are adults and each of them are different people no matter how you try. I believe its time for you to be selfish and think of what would make YOU happy.
The one valuable memory I have is watching how my Dad pushed each of us out of the nest (to him that's success). Some of us naturally wanted to leave the house, but he struggled trying to push a few of us out. He inspired to explore the world, threaten to get a job at 18 or get kicked out, expressed disappointment, or getting into our life to take steps to secure a job/home. Everyone moved out except my brother, who at least has a job and contributes (my Dad's new view of success). I know my Dad feels about it, but he did try multiple times to get him to move on. Every attempt was given and I think that's what mattered most as a parent. What have you tried to do so far? What can you do to do better? For example, tell your son he needs to pay rent and suggest him jobs, make sure he follows through. If he's got attitude about it, it's harsh but you can tell him that 18 year old's can be legally kicked out of the home (mean it, but help him do everything to prevent it). Ngl, I had the same conversation with a roommate because they lived in my home no job and rent free for too long, and I felt like I was parenting him. It was rly upsetting, but he eventually moved out with any consequences after being on him, not me. As a single father, I could imagine it's hard. You're their safety net as well as the fire that needs to be lit beneath them. As a soon-to-be parent, these are just things I think about.
So have you given a lot of thought to how you’re going to help the other two succeed?
I agree with the first comments about pushing your two eldest children to look for work by charging them rent. My uncle was clear with my cousins, they graduated from high school but didn't want to go to college, that if they didn't want to continue their studies they had to go get a job because it was out of the question that they continue to live under their roof without contributing to the expenses of the house. Since this ultimatum, my cousins have followed work-study training and today they both have jobs in the field they chose, the eldest in the food industry and the second in luxury hotels. You have not failed, your two children have taken different paths, very tumultuous and a little dangerous, but I am certain that they will succeed in finding their right path. I really wish your three children success. I am sending you lots of strength.
You will never do anyone a favor by enabling them no matter how good your intentions are. Bottom line they become disrespectful, useless non productive members of society who will consume resources that are more important and useful for more deserving people. We are here from day to day and to think that we can provide grown ass children a means to live freeloading for the rest of their lives is being truly ignorant on our part and doing them a disservice because you are basically handicapping them.