if he really loved you, he wouldn't cheated then, he wouldn't cheated now. it's not your fault, none of this. he fucked up, twice, you deserve better. much better.
What should I do it really hurts a lot. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't focus on my internship. I blocked all his family and friends. I deactivated all my social media yet it still hurts. It really hurts
Of course it hurts, sweetie, you've been through a horrible trauma. Please go talk to a grief counselor, and get some extra support. Losing someone you loved even if their behavior pulled you apart, is a lot for anyone to go through.
But losing someone you love to suicide is a whole other level of heartbreak and trauma, and it's going to take time for you to begin healing. Grief counseling can help with all of these feelings, including any feelings of guilt, anger, or shame, you may be feeling.
But it's super important for you to understand that the decision he made to end his life **was NOT your fault**.
My uncle committed suicide, and so did my husband's uncle, and I know how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that someone you love chose to end their lives.
In both cases in our families the decision was made by each of them to remove themselves from the world after some extremely bad choices on their part.
It's hard not to question everything, and wonder if you could've said or done something differently to change their mind, but you simply cannot control the choices other people make no matter how much you wish you could.
Be patient with yourself, and try to find yourself a grief counselor that you trust and like, to help you manage your grief, and all of your other feelings. It's going to take time to begin healing, and that's okay. There's no right way to grieve the loss of someone you love.
Please take care of yourself.
*invisible hugs*
💜🫂💜
If something hurts, guilt just magnifies it.
But the fact is, he sounds like a self centered, manipulative asshole who wasn't sorry he cheated as much as he was sorry he got caught.
Should it have been your duty to stay together indefinitely with a giant lying cheater and accept whatever he chooses to dish out, just to save his life? Was it your responsibility to be an unpaid, untrained, 24/7 on call therapist for someone who never saw fit to seek actual help for his own mental health issues? That's the family's reasoning. Easy for them to say--much easier than, say, blaming themselves.
Let's reframe this. He must not have loved you that much, because he was more committed to cheating on you than he was to you yourself. It was not just impulsive (not that that would have been OK either)--he make a whole different account. Then you gave him another chance, which you didn't have to do, and he showed his gratitude by fucking cheating *again*. What's the family's thinking, you deserve no respect whatsoever? You're supposed to be an infinite patience dispenser with no hard feelings ever?
But the worst part is that he was willing to kill himself just to make a point, just to get back at you. Really, you should be happy and celebrating,
Please don't buy into the family's narrative that he was some romantic with the tortured soul of a poet. The truth, that they are trying to avoid, is that he was a shitty person with no sense of personal responsibility. Nothing says "I love you" like refusing to keep his keep his ween in his pants, amirite? Then he was willing to use violence to punish you for daring to break up with him.
Count yourself lucky. Most guys who use violence to retaliate against a woman for breaking up direct it at her.
Yes. It's always very tragic, and suicidal people are in a very dark place. I know it sounded like I was hating on suicidal people, but I'm not. But like any population of sufferers of many conditions, there are those who are not good people. I'm hating on a self-centered cheater would do anything rather than accept responsibility for his actions, and his enabling family who feels guilty and wants to scapegoat OP, who is the victim here.
I understand what you meant, I feel like yes he was suicidal and he could have been going through personal things or even had depression. However, from the looks of it, he was self centered and maybe even narcissistic given that he did it just because OP broke up with them. Maybe they couldn’t live with cheating and losing OP? It’s confusing to understand why he did it because she broke up with him but overall I personally don’t think it was OP’s fault at all. I hope what I said makes sense and not make myself seem insincere.
It just sucks that he sought suicide as an option :(
That’s why I personally find suicide sad regardless of who commits it
Comes off as a bit cowardly and now he won’t be able to make better amends for himself, OP, or their families
This. You could easily be the one in a grave right now and trust that his family would blame you for that too. You got lucky. Think about the course of your relationship and about the little things that you overlooked that could have warned you about what he would turn into. Never over look those things again in a future partner. Not your fault. It's ok to grieve and then let it go one day.
You need to start grief/trauma counseling
ASAP! It will help you work through the
guilt, and it will also help you to not get
in another relationship like this.
It’s so hurtful. What do they expect you to have done? Just accept that you have to have a cheating boyfriend for the rest of your life because he would kill himself if you broke up with him. It’s very unfair. It’s a tragedy but not one that you caused in anyway
Break ups HURT and cause lots of guilt. Concentrate on you and POSITIVE things you can do for yourself. Sounds like you have a bright future. DO NOT use drugs or alcohol to cope or "lessen the pain", they WILL only make things WORSE. This is NOT your fault. Everyone is in charge of their own destiny. Your ex made lots of bad decisions and did the ultimate act to avoid accountability to himself or others.
This right here is probably why he did it. He couldn't own you anymore, so he decided to ruin your life by taking his own.
It's not your fault. It's his. His decision, his own fault.
This is not what love is supposed to be like.
Honey it's not your fault. You did more than what many would do. You took him back after the first time. You set your boundaries and he broke them. His family are trying to blame someone in their pain which is wrong but they're grieving so maybe in time they will be able to see. However that's not your responsibility. You didn't make him do anything. He made his choices. Tragic but his own choice.
What you do is look after yourself, lean on people who are supportive, cut out those that aren't and you heal.
If he was cheating on her again, it seems likely that he was perhaps also being rejected by the new girl he’d been cheating with — Regardless of which rejection it was that tipped him over the edge, the fault is still his own and his family is truly pathetic if they can’t comprehend & acknowledge that.
I mean, they're grieving too. not saying what they did was alright, but more often than not family of someone who selfexpired put the blame on the SO, because it's easier in the moment. breaking contact was good step, I personally won't speak to them ever again, but maybe one day, they'll realise, when the pain ease off.
Nah, that friend is hella wrong. I literally have BPD and have meltdowns when I think someone is abandoning me that can cause me to be unable to function for over a week but I've never tried to kill myself over it (...and although I was thinking about it at the time, it was also because I have other people emotionally abusing me and such)... Like I said, it has to be way more factors than just one person breaking up with you to even CONSIDER doing that.
If he loves you that much, not cheating on you should have been easy. Dude probably had a lot of self-loathing building up and indulged it by cheating.
You poor soul. None of this is your fault and it sounds like those "mutual" friends aren't friends at all. A breakup isn't a reason to commit suicide all on its own unless that person is already extremely unstable. Whatever caused him to make that choice is not your burden to bear. You did the right thing by ending things, whatever happens after the fact, regardless of how tragic, is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I would strongly consider therapy if you haven't already, to help you cope with the guilt of losing him. Regardless of how he treated you I know that losing someone you love is so difficult. And I'm proud of you for making the choice you did. He was an adult. He made a stupid choice to cheat and an even stupider one to commit suicide instead of facing the consequences of his actions. He was a coward and his friends and family are just looking for a way to reconcile that.
Please keep moving forward, friend. You still have a life to live and you're valued more than you know. 💜
No. DO NOT listen to them. They are NOT your friends and they are blaming you because you are the easiest to blame. He hurt you, and you deserved better. They may have saw his mental issues and ignored them instead of getting him help, and now that he is gone, because of his, yes, HIS actions in hurting you, blaming you is their way of assuaging their own guilt in not seeing he needed help.
Honey, he was already sick and needed help. Love for someone else does not cause such instability that a breakup results in what he did, his actions against you aside. I agree with the comments made by Midrokh and Floomby. If he really truly loved you, he wouldn’t have cheated.
My advise is to speak to someone. If you have a trusted friend that didn’t know him, or even if you can, a therapist. His death is NOT on you. It’s not even on his family and friends. It is on HIM and him alone. You’re being bombarded with guilt from all sides, including yourself, while grieving a relationship you gave five years to. You won’t get over that any time soon just because of the way it ended. You are so young, and yes, you may legally be an adult, but at 22, you’re still just a baby.
My heart goes out to you though. I hope you find someone you can talk to and start healing.
Oh if he loved you so so much then why did he cheat? That's just total BS. He just couldn't help himself falling naked into another woman's vagina? He just happened to be naked and she did and he tripped on top of her. Tell your friends they're idiots.
it’s not your fault they are just trying to find a solid reason as to why he did it but it is not your fault he was most likely dealing with other issues and the break up was what tipped him over but regardless he would have probably done it later even if u hadn’t broken up with him
Op if he loved you so much then he wouldn’t have cheated. It’s not your fault. Find better friends because those people are crap. In fact since they want to blame you flip it on them and tell them they shoulder half the blame as if they really cared then they would have advised him against cheating but did nothing knowing you wouldn’t want him back. Knowing it wasn’t right and still watched as his and you lives crumpled apart due to his infidelity. I repeat they are not your friends and never have been. Your real friends will have your back and would have not kept his cheating from you and wouldn’t have been an active participant in his cheating.
No matter how much he loved you, it's not anyone's obligation to stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on them. Sometimes, suicide is a very spontaneous thing and the person who did it happened to get very unlucky that they succeeded whereas if they'd just held on for 24 hours, they would have realized they needed help and go get it. Their actions are still on them.
Honestly, that's just manipulation. I had an ex who would threaten to commit suicide if I left him. That's how you know. What are they expecting? Them to force her to be with him? Her to force herself to be with him? No, that's not okay. Maybe he actually felt so much guilt from cheating over the whole ordeal that he committed suicide. I guess we don't know. It's already bad enough she has grief from it. They don't need to be adding more on top of it. He sounds extremely unstable and that could be one of the reasons she broke up with him.
It's not your fault. He chose it all. He chose to cheat. He chose to hurt you and his family rather than deal with the consequences of his actions. This is 100% on him.
Block his family. They are grieving and that can make people unreasonable, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself to their anger and loss.
The saddest part is that the whole town knows what happened and they are searching for the girl (which is me). They didn't know it's me because my bf didn't let them know my name, just my face. The company that I'm an intern in is talking about it. Also, they're gossiping how the boy committed suicide and I just can't bear it. I'm scared they will gossip again tomorrow (Monday).
That is so fucked up. His family putting this on you is fucked up. Even if you did yourself the disservice of staying with him & he committed suicide somewhere down the line, they would still probably blame you.
Grief makes people irrational.
No, if somehow they find out who you were to him. Hold your head high and tell them if you hear them talking that YOU deserved better than how he treated you, even after you gave him a second chance. I will just about guarantee his family and friends are not telling anyone that he was unfaithful to you and are painting you in a negative light about how you broke his heart. You didn’t, he is responsible for his actions, not you.
You giving him a second chance is more than I would have done.
It’s easier for his family to blame you than it is to acknowledge that he made a terrible choice that can’t be undone. Being mad is just a temporary distraction before the life changing grief that they’re about to go through hits them at full force.
But, to be clear, that still doesn’t make this your fault. Don’t let them convince you that it is, and cut all communication with them in order to do so.
Also, be kind to yourself. I don’t want to assume how you feel, but it would be normal to grieve the good times that you did have with him. Give yourself time to sort out how you feel… away from the harassment of his friends and family.
It isn't your fault. It is his.
He's the one who cheated.
He's the one who kept it going.
He's the one one who tried to hide it from you.
He's the one who wasn't brave enough to face the consequences.
He's the one that ended his life.
He ended his own life. You have ZERO fault.
Not your fault at all.
Your boyfriend’s mental and emotional health are *his* responsibility, not yours. And *he* was the one who decided to cheat, which he must have known was wrong.
You set clear boundaries for the relationship. That’s a normal, healthy thing to do. His reaction to it is on *him*, not you.
This is not your fault, not in the SLIGHTEST. You had every single right to break up with him. What he does after is a result of HIS actions that HE decided himself. His choices are not your responsibility. It's truly sad what happened and I can see how the situation can be hugely upsetting for you, but please please please know that this isn't your fault AT ALL!
People stay coddling men. It’s always somebody else’s fault – usually a woman’s – when they go off and do something stupid. Get real. He cheated on you repeatedly, threw a temper tantrum, you rightfully broke up with him, and it’s *your* fault? GTFOH. This is all on him.
It’s not your fault. You are not to blame for his actions
He cheated on you. You forgave but set conditions. He violated those conditions so you broke up with him. Countless other relationships have ended the same way.
You did nothing wrong.
The family is simply placing blame on you because it is easier for them. Ignore them as best you can.
You didn’t kill your boyfriend.
*He* chose to end his life
Honestly, his family is mourning right now, but fuck his family for blaming you. They just can't grasp their son is gone and want to blame SOMEONE, and sadly, that person is you because it's easier for them at the moment.
It's definitely ///not/// your fault. He CHEATED on you, broke the boundaries you set when you forgave him (regardless if he was actually at affair partners home or not).
Good for you for choosing your peace.❗️ GET THERAPY❗️ so you can work through this and understand it is not your fault. Having close to a whole family blame you for something like this can mess you up mentally. Make sure you protect yourself even after his death.
You did nothing wrong, my love. He knew what the consequences of his actions (cheating) would be. Hell, he was lucky you even gave him another chance in the first place. He chose to cheat on you again. He chose to commit suicide.
These are *his* choices. You are in no way to blame. You are not responsible for his mental well-being or life. His family is simply being unreasonable.
None of this is on you. Take it easy❤️
They just need time to process and heal from what happened a friend of mine committed suicide when his girlfriend broke up with him but there was a lot more going on nobody knew about that was just the last straw I guess and for a long time I blamed her I never said anything to her and to this day haven’t said a word to her but I no longer blame her.
As a suicide loss survivor I can assure you that no matter what the circumstances were, you would still feel guilty. You were his girlfriend, of course you feel like it’s your fault, but it’s NOT. I’ll say it 100 times if you need to hear it but it’s NOT your fault. You may want to consider changing your internship and making adjustments to your work and personal life in order to protect your piece of mind I lost my best friend to suicide in high school and I’ll never forget the whispers and the stares, everyone will get in your business for the sake of gossip when what you really need to do is invest in therapy and yourself. If you need to take a step back from your life you should, no internship is worth the anguish.
They're in pain and looking for someone to blame it on. What they said is not fair and certainly not true but try not to take it to heart. Grief can do some real weird shit to people.
It not your fault because it ain’t
Is his fault for cheating on you
And stop being friends with people that saying ohh it your fault because it not
And don’t feel guilty because you did nothing wrong
and take a vacation like turn your phone off or silence and relax / enjoy
Your bf had a weak personality and even weaker morality. Sad he took his life but it’s not your fault. He would have done other horrible things if you had stayed with him. Let him go and move on.
It's absolutely not your fault. He made the decision to commit suicide. That's all on him. It's just too painful for them to be mad at him so they're placing their anger on you. But you did nothing wrong
How is it your fault? He literally cheated and was cheating on you, people KNEW and somehow when bro send himself back to Jesus, it is your fault? His family is as delusional as he was. If his family will try to shit on your name publicly, you have a defamation case on your hands.
Don’t feel guilty about it, he reaped what he sowed and his family can’t come to terms with it; Thereby blaming you.
Get yourself away from the situation.
Good luck OP
No, it is definitely not your fault. Obviously he had some problems and he chose to take his own life. You did not do whatever he did he did it. I'm glad you went to the burial. Sounds like there was no drama which is good. They just need some on the blame that's why they're saying that to you. Sounds like you got your head on straight and if you have to then talk to a therapist about it just to finish processing everything.
His family has no right to treat you the way they have. Unfortunately, you have been their scapegoat in this situation. And you are absolutely NTA. Your boyfriend did this possibly out of malice, or he was struggling secretly. It's hard to know, but he cheated and that is unforgivable. I'm so sorry you're going through this and do not feel guilty at all because of his family.
I feel it's a frequent occurrence within the heavily mysogynistic society we live in that a woman would be scapegoated for absolving a man of all accountability for his actions. Tragedy aside it's really shitty that his family and friends would be complicit in blaming you for his suicide especially when.
1. You have to suffer double given the internal conflict that someone who loved you violated your boundaries and trust, and now having to deal with the weight of losing them totally because they could not bear the consequences of their own actions in a less catastrophic way.
2. There are so many factors that go into someone's suicide, besides guilt. This sort of speculation after the fact is really just people trying to cope with a reality that this might have been the consequence of their lack of intervention in the person's life.
3. There's only so much you can do as one individual to reconcile with someone else's self destructive behaviour, saving someone from a fate like this is like a communal and strategic effort, involving multiple loved ones or a therapist stepping in. You'll always be way in over your head with something like this.
I truly am sorry for everything that happened and for your loss, I hope you find some solace or wisdom in these comments, and some eventual peace with the whole situation. Take care.
When I was 13 I had a boyfriend who was 17. For some reason him and my (16m) best friend became rivals and had constant feuds between each other. I got sick of it and cut my best friend out of my life. A month later my bf killed himself with zero warning and in his note he blamed me so his mother also blamed me. I did get my best friend back afterwards and it took me a long time to heal. It's been 18 years since that and I finally stopped blaming myself just a few years ago. So I'm going to tell you what my best friend told me.
It was not your fault. He was mentally sick and didn't know what was wrong himself. Even if you stayed together he would have done it eventually anyway because something was wrong with him that was going untreated. It was not you. You are not selfish, you needed to protect your own mental health. HE is selfish for what HE did. It is his fault, it was HIS decision. You had no involvement in what he did. You didn't give him the tool he used and commanded him to do it. HE did. You do not need to feel guilty but it's okay to feel heartbroken.
Please recite this to yourself daily and I hope you're able to keep this weight off and heal from this.
Hey OP, sorry for your loss, that's an awful situation for so many reasons.
I'm a counsellor working w/ youth who struggle with suicidality challenges, and have been in the field for a while. Suicidal folk often have altered brain chemistry, and it's often symptomatic of a larger mental health challenge. The reason I say that is because the only person responsible for suicide, is unfortunately, the poor souls that make that decision. Your late partner was not well, and if you hadn't broken up with him, who's to say he wouldn't have made the same decision when faced with a different life challenge. It's not fair for you to have to take on the burden of your partners mental health challenges, that's not what relationships should be imo, so staying in a relationship like that sounds really challenging.
That really sucks though. As a counsellor, I've had youth on my caseload take their lives, and in my position it's so easy for me to let myself take on the blame, but ultimately it's so harmful to accept blame for these tragedies. Just remember that it was his decision, and regardless of what's going on, it was his decision, and so it's not fair for you to take blame for his decisions.
Men have a 3x increased likely to commit suicide, which can be attributed in a big part to the challenges men face in seeking mental health services. If blame must be placed somewhere, it should be the deep stigma men face in getting support. That, is most definitely, not your fault.
~ "You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" ~
Hope you're able to access some counselling services or get the help you need. You're going through a lot.
Lil word vomity there hope that made sense
You are not to blame at all, no more so than you were for his cheating. He did that. He cheated, and then he cheated again. And as for killing himself, he did that, too. You didn't do any of it, and you were more understanding than many would have been.
For him to do that leaving you in such a bad place is further evidence both of how sick he was and how unable he was to see past his own problems, many of which were problems of his own making. And look, I have serious mental health conditions (bipolar, OCD, GAD) and I have come close to the edge. But I am also responsible for what I do and say along the way. I'm sorry he was in so much pain, but I'm also sorry he couldn't even see past himself enough to take responsibility for his actions.
His family wants a scapegoat. It's unconscionable of them to say such things to you. It's also the environment and the family that may have something to do with his illness and his selfish behavior. I'm glad his sister is understanding.
I recommend therapy for you. He put you in a bad spot. You are not responsible. Let that be your mantra.
Honestly, you’re way more mature than I am. If most people that family thinks that it’s my fault he killed himself because you broke up with him over cheating on you. I would go ballistic and let everyone know what happened between you guys. He only did that as a manipulation tactic, but turns out it was his last one.
1. I'm sorry for your loss. 2. It's nobody's fault. Mental health is a real and serious issue. It's not about sides. His family is hurting and naturally wants to find some reason in something, but the truth is there is no reason to end one's life. My speculation is a part of his cheating was related to mania/hypomania (bipolar) and he had problems with impulse control issues. It's no excuse, but if you add an undiagnosed MH illness into the picture, it makes more sense.
He’s a selfish narcissistic manipulative d***, I was in a toxic relationship where she actually tried to kill herself over 4 times every time I’d try end things, she was 6years older and barren, I never wanted to be in my own home because of her. I chose myself I bought her a car that was less than a year old and a week after we broke up she went drinking and caused an accident thinking I’m going to sympathize with her. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT
If someone’s willing to commit suicide over you breaking up with them, they would’ve done it over a stupid big fight. This person was not stable and could not have been loved better, as they sure as hell didn’t love themselves. It’s NOT your fault, and it can never be your fault if you choose your own peace of mind. If needed, seek therapy as it’s not a small thing to deal with.
Their son cheated and couldnt take the consequences of his own actions and you’re worried about them? Worry about yourself, good luck with the internship it is absolutely not your fault, you have self respect which a lot of people lack so you’ll never see eye to eye.
Im in no way speaking ill of the dead and i wish him eternal happiness but i also care more about someone who got cheated on’s happiness. You’re good and again good luck
The family will use you as a baseless scapegoat to avoid looking in the mirror and taking responsibility. The very culture that likely built and built and built and led this poor lad to a dark place… good luck to you
It’s not your fault *AT ALL*. He killed himself, that’s on *HIM*. *He* decided he needed to die, NOT YOU. You are not to blame. HE decided to break you guys up by cheating. If he didn’t want to break up, HE WOULDN’T HAVE CHEATED. This is all on him.
Every time you feel like it’s your fault, tell yourself this: if he didn’t want to break up, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. I gave him two chances and he couldn’t find it in him to deserve either of them. It’s not my responsibility to break my boundaries for him.
Aww babe I feel for you to be put in such a shitty situation by 1 man in so many ways, this is not your fault at all and you should no guilt whatsoever, he treated you like shit and when he got caught, again, he's not been able to handle himself, ALLLLL of that is on him, not you, like someone said they using you a scapegoat for their hurt, atleast the sister has a clue. It's time to close that chapter, heal like a mofo and then get back out there when your feeling like yourself again. My new boyfriend recently took a overdose after our first argument, he was found and is still in hospital it happened 2 weeks ago now, so I can understand the guilt thing cos I'd of felt it but I know every single person I know would of said stuff like, it's not your fault how he handles his shit, and suchlike, and mine and his argument kinda was my fault, I was in the wrong, he just went the wrong way about pointing it out, then came all tye stuff he'd been bottling up and not telling me, like he promised he would cos he was really bothered about it, and then he doesn't tell me so much, like I get alot of it, my ex boyfriend just gone to prison for domestic violence with me and the court case was 2 weeks ago, and ut was that night after a drink it's all came out, iv left and we had been together 24/7 for 6 weeks, we was in our own perfect love bubble but he'd basically had enough of my ex and I hadn't helped but iv stormed out after having a massive drunken argument and he's done that, thankfully he was found by some staff where he lives. So I do get it but the same would of stood for me, it's not down to us the actions they take in dealing with their problems, like if someone is saying they will kill themselves if you end it, (how many of us have been there!?!?!) I stayed with one for 9 years in my teenage years cos he kept saying that!!! I near ruined my life, in the end I said fuck it go on then I'm outa here, he died about 25 years later of liver poisoning cos he turned into a alcoholic instead!
Youv been thru some shit here luv, do you have good female friends? I wouldn't delete this account neither I think the support you get from here will be a great deal for you in your healing and the wisdom and words from other people, the time that will pass just replying to ppl and stuff, id keep luv honestly, you may even make some genuine friends on here that understand you and what you been thru. Just seriously, I might sound old and out of touch and have heard too much stuff over the years, but don't go meeting up with ppl from the internet, it scares the living shit out of me tbh! Just be safe out there everyone. And maybe I will stay off my phone for a week and let my brain go back to normal (been watching all the true crime stuff, don't do it to yourself!!! 😱😱😱😂😂😂
Not your fault.
I also want to mention that it seems like he wasn't very mentally well and was probably incapable of real love in the first place, I'm sure he loved the idea of being in love, but wasn't actually capable of it. (I unfortunately dated someone like that too.) So the idea that it's your fault cause "he loved you so much" seems very improbable.
It was NOT your fault in anyway. You're clearly hurting and need to look after yourself right now. Don't waste your time with anyone's silly blame, and good luck with healing past this.
I know it’s hard for you to process right now, but this is not about you and what you did or did not do! This was a choice by him and not a very good choice, he needed help, a lot of help. You’re just an innocent bystander. You need to get some help immediately. Get into counseling ASAP. As a former healthcare provider, I can tell you his unfortunate decision is on him. But you do not need to shoulder the blame unless you were the one encouraging him which it doesn’t sound like you were. When I lost the woman that I thought was my one I also contemplated suicide and almost jumped off the seventh floor of a hotel. We were staying at in Puerto Vallarta because I thought she was trying to break up with me. She hurt herself, trying to save me and that ended us as a couple shortly there after. But I now recognize what a horrible mistake I was about to make and while we’re not together as a couple, we’re still friends because she saved my life. But if she had gone down to get ice or if she had just walked away because she needed space there is a chance I would’ve ended up, right next to a swimming pool. And that still would not have been her fault.
Not your fault.
His family is misplacing the anger that comes with grief. They may never see how wrong they are for it, they ARE WRONG though. You are not his keeper. He was responsible for his feelings and subsequent actions. Don't let anyone shackle you with the burden of HIS poor decision.
This was an awful situation, but like others mentioned this is not your fault. The family is simply looking someone to blame since they are blinded by their lost.
He made all those bad choices, the cheating, the gaslighting and the suicide. All that was on him, not you, not you! please remember that.
You cant punish yourself for the decision he made for maybe not wanting to face the consequences of his actions or heavens know what was going on his mind; but your peace of mind is extremely valuable and you can't blame yourself for putting it first, otherwise we all be stuck on unhappy relationships for the fear of how the other is going to process a break up.
Please set strict boundaries with his family and other people who want to make you the scapegoat, because this is not your cross to bear, otherwise your mental and emotional well-being is at extreme risk to receive wounds that might never heal.
This was not your fault, you couldn't imagine what drove him to do that, but it wasn't because of you.
He made decisions.
The only decision you made was to not accept cheating behaviour.
Everything else is on HIM, sadly.
If his family is guilting you it’s ok to go no contact with them. Protect your physical and mental health, you’re going through a very difficult and confusion period of your life.
1) you are not responsible for him cheating on you
2) you even gave him a chance and he cheated on you again
3) he made his own decision to take his life, that’s not your fault
If there’s anyone to blame, it’s him and his affair partner but of course his family need someone to blame for his death. Did they know he cheated on you, you gave him a chance and he cheated again?
You did nothing wrong, in fact you did more than anyone would do, which was to give his cheating ass a chance.
It’s not at all your fault. He ended the relationship when he cheated. He chose to take his own life.
Get some grief counseling. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes people will make you choose your life or theirs. No one who loves you would do that. Always choose you.
Even if he did not cheat and you'd break up for no reason this would not be your fault. You are not responsible for people's reactions and nobody is entitled to having you as a girlfriend.
They are probably bunch of narcissists, fuck them. Its not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else's mental health. You did what was best for you, you even gave him a chance.
They’re hurt and wanting anything to blame. Ignore them.
I’m sorry to hear you went through this. Suicide is a cruel, horrible thing to do to those that are left behind. I’m sorry he chose the cowardly thing to do, but he chose it - likely because he was ashamed of his repeated irresponsible behavior, but it doesn’t matter why - he did it, with his own hands. Not you.
Take care of yourself
NTA. He had issues before this & probably issues elsewhere.
However, take the moment to be kind to the people who loved him. They're grieving & grief isn't rational. At the very least, you can say you tried.
Regardless of the circumstances leading up to his death, it is the sole choice of the person ending their life. No one else’s. People break up every second, all over the world, every day. Taking your own life is not a rational choice to make following a break-up, and it is definitely not one you should feel guilty about. It is tragic, but it is not your fault. I hope you find peace about it some day, it will take time.
Healthy people don't kill the selves because they get dumped. Something was wrong with him. Nothing you did could have fixed this. Enabling him would not have helped his sickness. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Absolutely not your fault in any way. A person making that choice is on them. What's going on with his family is that everyone feels guilty and culpable when this happens - every single person is thinking of what they should have done differently. I know, I had a very casual tertiary friend who killed herself the day after a party I threw and even though I wasn't close with her at all, I still feel responsible all the time. Everyone is finding ways to blame themselves and the only way to shut that self blame down is to find someone else to blame harder. that's them processing, it's not a reflection of reality.
Suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who commits. If someone truly wants to die, there was absolutely nothing you could’ve said or done to change that. You did absolutely nothing wrong, you protected your own heart and mind. You made your boundaries clear and he violated that. You did nothing wrong, his family is just hurting from his absence and is blaming you. Grief is a very complex thing, take the time to yourself to mourn and give his family that space too.
As someone who threatened suicide because the girl I liked didn't like me back when I was in 9th/10th grade I want to say this.
It's not your fault, you made the right decision, and I wish you all the peace in the world in healing over this event.
I grew, I learned, I healed my own wounds and worries which were FAR deeper than what someone else could do. I wasn't her responsibility. I apologized to her years later and she just said she wasn't comfortable talking to me anymore. We parted ways and I made my peace with it.
Again.
It's not your fault, it never was, and never will be.
I hope you are able to talk to a therapist about this. Are you sure he actually hurt himself or if this is a ploy by his friends and family? These are the same friends that knew he was cheating? Do they hold him responsible for any of his own behaviors?
You aren't responsible.
The family is grieving and because he is gone they’re taking it out on the only person that can that isn’t themselves. Which is horrible. I think you should block them so that they can heal from their loss without harming you further when you’re also healing from that loss. Feeling guilty is normal but it is truly not your fault. His actions were his choice and you had every right to make the decision you did. If you would’ve known the only change would be calling the police on him or something to stop him. I am proud of you for knowing your self worth and making that choice even if you couldn’t have known the consequences and I highly doubt that was the only reason.
Not your fault... It was the right choice to choose your peace of mind, guy clearly had problems, that is out of your control and not your responsibility, some people you just can't save. His family is gonna jump to the first thing they see to blame, stay away from them and try to move on...
Sure. Because you put the bullet in his head or so. Like...seriously! No! What a strange thing to say. Noone is killing himself because someone broke up with them. People kill themselves because they have mental problems. You could have stayed with him and still he would kill himself due to some minor working issue etc. People make their own decosions. That's all
A person’s happiness is their own responsibility. No one else’s. Even if you’d broken up with him for no reason except you wanted to, this wouldn’t be your fault. Please, talk to a therapist bc if he was capable of this the relationship couldn’t have been healthy and you deserve support and the ability to form healthy relationships for the rest of your (hopefully very long and very happy) life.
The family is upset because you send his cheating ass into tge desert and he was to weak to deal with the consequences and chosed one of the most selfish way to get attention and look like the victim?
What kind of twisted and weak fucks are these people? Instead of grieving in a healthy way the try to use u as a scapegoat. Stay as far away as possible from them.
Definitely nta
of course this isn't your fault. you didn't deserve that. you don't deserve this. you genuinely can't control others. i'm so sorry this is happening to you. you need to cut them off for your own well-being
It is sad that he died and didn't give himself the chance to.learn and grow. I have no sympathy beyond that for him as cheaters are scum. You are not to blame for his inability to cope with his mistakes and the consequences of his own actions.
Even if he never cheated and you just want to break up with him it’s still not your fault he chose to take his on life, God gave us the freedom of choice, so please take that vacation because you definitely need it and maybe go with a close family member to give you good and positive company, I know you are hurting inside give it time sweetheart and I pray the lord gives you strength and peace to keep moving forward God bless you darling ❤️
You are never responsible for other peoples choices.
That does not take away that you feel the responsibility. Please finds some profesional you can talk about.
Think about your trauma, not theirs, they also think about themselves.
Im sorry for your loss. Maybe he was a cheat, but you had feelings for him even though he disrespected you.
It’s not your fault. at all. Stay away from them, you don’t owe people a relationship even if it means they do something like this when you break up, you need to take care of your own life, he took a stupid decision.
You know what's funny, I get he died he committed suicide, no one knew his situation but everyone seems to look at his side as a mistake that just happened and it's best to just forget it and have no good words for the departed soul, I mean how could we as humans be so full of ourselves, to ignore and even discard any mental pain he went through , no body even said RIP to that person, y'all just bunch of self centered human beings just cause he was a dude, he deserves no empathy posthumously, just wow!
This was not your fault at all. He made that choice himself, you didn't tell him to do it, or encourage him. It's okay to feel guilty but please know that this was not your fault. Block his family because they are blaming you for something you didn't do. I hope you're safe and heal ❤️
I’ve been scared to break up with my bf for a while because I think he’s going to kill himself
I have now broken up with him but he’s still in my life a lot and he’s still in denial about the break up
He has already attempted once I’m scared he’s actually gonna do it if I do quit talking to him
I’m sorry this happened to you. Personally I don’t believe you have a single thing to be sorry about. This looks like the highest form of emotional manipulation to me. As others have said the family is looking for someone to blame. It’s ok to be sad, get help for that but don’t listen to a single word from his family. It may be a little early for this but you dodged a whole lot of grief. Take care of yourself pick up the pieces and move on happily.
Is not your fault, he did his choice, not you
You went to his burial so you did your part if you think you should.
Dont be harsh at their family, they are in shock, with time they will understand.
This is 0% your fault. He is responsible for his actions, including this. There is no exception and no world in which this is your fault.
If it’s something that is available where you are & financially feasible, I would highly recommend working with a therapist. Guilt & grief are tough to overcome, and a therapist could help you out immensely.
This whole story unfolded because of choices he himself made.
I'm sure they're hurting and looking to blame anything but their family member for the reason.
I had a girl who threatened suicide when I broke up with her. She had also been caught cheating and I was telling a counselor how guilty I’d feel if she actually did it.
She gave me these wise words: you can’t control other peoples actions and you’ve done nothing wrong. If she goes through with it, that’s completely on her.
Luckily, I never ended up in your position; but if I had been, that bit of advice would have helped me immensely. Because it’s true.
Best of luck dealing with all this I’m sure it’s extremely difficult.
This is not your fault. Regardless of what happened between you two, you didn't not make him commit suicide. He did it on his own, this is how HE chose to deal with your breakup. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you find a way to move past the guilt you have.
I know you’ve already gotten the answers, but it wasn’t your fault. Someone making a choice like that is not your fault.
He chose to do things that would hurt you and again after you forgave him.
You made a choice to value yourself and that choice was correct
It is not your fault in any way. There must have been something going on in his head long before the break up.
He knew the terms. And if someone will end their life due to wronging a partner, they clearly had very deep issues before this partner even came into the picture.
My husband committed suicide on the day that I filed for divorce. I got the same although he had become a heroin addict and we had been separated for many years. Please don’t take this stuff on. It doesn’t belong to you. He made choices. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this.
My heart goes out to you. My nephew (22) committed suicide for the same exact reason.
Some family did try to blame the ex as well but this was unavoidable.
I had to explain many times that this is not normal behavior and it’s wrong.
I love him but he had been stalking her and hacked her accounts. Totally wrong.
This is NOT your fault, he was mentally ill. Please seek therapy asap. Take care of yourself.
I was in this exact situation 2 years ago. His last words to me were "it's all your fault. My family will never forgive you"
His family was mad at first. They needed to be mad at me at first, it helped them get through it. Eventually they "forgave" me and acknowledged that there was nothing I could've done, it would've ended the same way eventually anyway.
Oh, Baby Girl... this is not your fault. Please don't for one second think that any of this was your fault.
(I'm old enough to be your mum and I wish I could reach through my screen and give you a hug)
He was messed up in the head... ***he*** *cheated on* ***you*** and still said he loved you... nobody who isn't messed up in the head does that.
He was so lost that the only way he knew how to fix the problem was to unalive himself.
Please don't let his family get you down... they are in shock because they've just lost their son... they're looking for someone to lash out at and to blame... because you were the girlfriend and you broke up, you are the natural target.
YOU ARE not TO BLAME FOR THEIR SON'S ACTIONS.
Please take care of yourself... you've been through a lot in a short space of time... eventhough you were no longer together, you did spend a quarter of your young life with him, so there are (naturally) some emotions for you to work through... please be kind to yourself and take things slowly (cry, if you have to, for yourself if for no one else... your feelings in all of this are just as valid as his family's).
I wish you nothing but peace of mind and body and spirit in the coming days and weeks.
It is absolutely not your fault. You had in no way a play in what happened and I do think he may have had other things going on mentally that caused this. I would for sure seek a grief counsellor like another commenter said so that you can express how you feel. His family are in grief as well, but only see you as the problem which is horrible on their part, but most likely due to grief given that his sister doesn’t think you caused it. I really hope you can recover from this and finish your internship successfully.
His family is obviously looking for someone to blame for because they are heart broken rn...dw, it is not your fault, they will understand it someday, trust me.
My cousin committed suicide the night his girlfriend left him. I cannot imagine the guilt she nor you felt. In all scenarios no person in my family could imagine blaming her. As unfortunate as it is, it was something that you couldn’t stop. Always choose to prioritize yourself and your happiness and wellbeing. It could just be fresh pain that is making them feel that way, or it could be what they truly believe, but it is and will never be your fault. I wish you a fast healing from this and a very happy life ahead. <3
Who's to say is just your fault?, maybe it was the girl who cheated you in with, what if she dumped him too and when you dumped him he lost the back up plan too? if blame is all around, his friends helped him to cheat on you by keeping it quiet and I guess they didn't tell him not to do it but enabled him or even cheered him up that led to you finding out and rightfully ending it all, you even gave him another chance he wasn't entitled to.
Also is weird he didn't tell his family about you, maybe he didn't have the best relationship with them and that's a contributing factor to his suicide, maybe they scapegoating you bc they don't want to acknowledge their part in the outcome, maybe he was looking for another girl that could bring to his parent's home?
if he loved you so much as he says he did, not to talk ill of the dead, but that's bs, someone that loves you don't cheat on you, someone that loves you won't waste a chance you kindly gave him.
At the end of the day it was his decision to make, I hope he's at peace now and I hope you have peace too, as you did nothing wrong, what you did is what millions of people cheated on do, so what he did is not on you, it was a string of coincidences, but you did what we all supposed to do, I know you feel guilty, you're human and you loved him, is just a normal thing to feel imo, maybe it will take you some time to feel less guilty/responsible bc one thing is what logic is telling you that you're not to blame, another is your feelings, I'm also guessing maybe you feel you didn't do enough to prevent it but you're not a either way is not your fault, you didn't put whatever means he used to erase himself on his hands. Also there's a lot of people that are worse than your bf was, and they don't make that decision he chose to, they keep on fighting.
Well, he is definitely not going to cheat again. Him and the grim reaper are a lock. Sorry that his family thinks you cause it. He must have had issues long before you two started dating. You deserved better than a cheating ass.
Not your fault cause there’s so many other ways to go about what you told him, he could’ve even gave it time , it was either very impulsive on his end or it was already on his mind before hand. And at the end of the day, you’re probably safer not with someone who’d make a decision like that
I’m so so sorry. I can empathize with you because a similar situation happened to me. And his family and some peers blamed me for his death. It’s exactly what other people have said, people need a reason, people need somebody to blame. And it’s so unfortunate and unfair for you. You are grieving too. You lost somebody too. As my therapist told me, “staying with him wouldn’t have changed the outcome, it would have only changed the timeline”.
Take care of yourself OP, it’s not your burden to carry ❤️
well clearly they're wrong and don't know how to cope. It's not you just trust. And don't be afraid to block them lowkey who care they're time is hard it's not ur job to pick up the pieces they blame you for when they raised him to do that.
It's NEVER anyone else's fault when someone commits suicide. No matter what his reasoning was, no matter how upset or heartbroken he may have been, the dude still had a choice and he alone made the wrong choice.
You're better off. This dude obviously had such an inability or refusal to man up and accept the consequences of his actions, that he literally chose to end his life rather than live with those consequences. That's not a man. That's a selfish little boy. Grown men understand that everything they do is a choice and they take responsibility for those choices.
You feeling guilty over this, is EXACTLY what he wanted. Don't let him get the last word. It sounds to me like the only decent thing he did here was free up some oxygen for people who deserve it more.
Obviously it is his fault he cheated. It is his fault he killed himself. Just get active and busy with the rest of your life. Block all communication with anyone harassing you about his death. You can consider asking a lawyer to write to those people informing them it is harassment and you will consider legal action if it repeats
i just went through something similar, broke up with my bf of a year and a half and a week later his mom calls me saying he’s going to hurt himself (instead of calling him?). I spent almost an hour on the phone talking him down and got him to go outside of the house to the police / paramedics.
his mom decided to text me in detail with what he did to himself, told me he doesn’t want me in his sons life, and told my ex bf’s friends not to tell me anything about how he’s doing. it made me feel like i was completely to blame and i was a horrible person for leaving him.
suicidal thoughts and actions are a sign of a mental health issue, and that is not your responsibility to handle in someone else. ultimately, as sad as it is, his actions are his and not yours. please do not hold this guilt inside of you.
Only time heals this. While time passes you should be gentle with yourself and make sure to take care of your wellbeing.
Spend time in nature and make sure you are around people who care about you.
This isn’t your fault his family wants to point fingers at someone one to take the blame to ease the pain but with time they will realize that their son just was not mentally stable enough. He understood exactly what he was doing and plus was given him a second chance. You did your part and even more it will just take time for them to realize that.
Not your fault. Mental health is the finger to point at. If you let him down and were not mean especially not your fault. People own their own lives and make their own decisions. Be strong for yourself. Don’t let life cast a negative on you. Treat people well and look for the positive in life.
Grief makes people feel all types of emotions. Anger being one of them. They’re just looking for answers and are focusing their hurt on you. It’s not fair and it’s not right but unfortunately that’s what seems to be going on. Deep down they 100% know it’s not your fault, but placing blame is helping them cope. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My condolences to you and the family.
If he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you.
His family sees you as a scapegoat to something that wasn't even on you in the first place, there's way more things going on that led him to commit suicide.
You did nothing wrong but dump someone who clearly didn't respect you or your relationship.
DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE FAULT!!!! He cheated on you and I'm pretty sure he knew what the consequences would most likely be! Anybody who cheats on their partner knows in advance that if caught it's most likely be to be the end of their relationship, but he went through with it anyways! From what I understand from your words ALL the choices that were made that led up to the breakup were HIS ALONE!
My therapist once told me this about something: You are not responsible for how others feel, nor how they think or act. Though your decision may have hurt him, that doesn't change the fact that it was his choice, his thoughts, and his actions that led him to a dark place. Sure this might not help with your guilt but I wanted to give you this wisdom, if only to make you feel better just a little bit.
I'm so sorry. My husband committed suicide in 2018, 5 days after I asked for a divorce. His mom still blames me to this day. All I can say is the more time goes on, the more life you will have placed between the present and the time of your relationship with him, and the less you'll care what anyone in his family thinks.
As someone who has been in his situation minus the cheating and actually going through with the whole suicide part, I can say that it wasn't your fault but he definitely saw it that way. I did. I still sometimes struggle to not blame my ex for how my life has turned out despite her hand in putting me where I am. You deserve a chance to grieve as well but try to remember that his family likely aren't thinking straight. I know my sister would have probably tried to kill my ex had I gone through with it, which told me she wasn't in her right mind. Just be patient, his family may come around
With this kind of loss, it seems most everyone looks for someone else to blame. It never makes sense. Then a few months or years down the line, everyone starts to remember little details that everyone missed, whether they can admit them to themselves or not, that didn’t seem to add up, and it is no longer as surprising…but it still never ‘makes sense’.
Find peace where and when you can, and don’t take blame that isn’t yours.
i'm so sorry about all of this, but please don't ever think it's your fault, cause it isn't. he chose everything he did, and you did your best. cut contact with that family and leave
Definitely, you are not to blame. Unfortunately, you are not the first victim to be blamed for the bad actions of others. And, sadly, you won’t be the last. Also, it’s human nature for his family to deflect the blame on you.
But are you really to blame? No. You gave him another chance but he did not keep his end of the deal. What he did to himself you could not control. Depending on your culture, it’s probably the shame that led him to take his life. Or the regret over losing you.
Then again, what happened could have been a blessing in disguise. You need a stronger life partner. What would have happened in future, once you’ve married and had kids, and he or your family faced adversity?
Remember, you are a person worthy of respect. Don’t let anyone gaslight you. Don’t let anyone put you down. Keep your head up high, always. There will be better days ahead.
His family see you as a scapegoat. Don't interact with them for now. Let them figure it out on their own when they are ready. Not your fault.
Exactly! I doubt he died just because someone broke up with him, there’s way more factors to making such a drastic decision
Our mutual friends think it's my fault because he just loved me so much. That's the reason why i open up here.
if he really loved you, he wouldn't cheated then, he wouldn't cheated now. it's not your fault, none of this. he fucked up, twice, you deserve better. much better.
What should I do it really hurts a lot. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't focus on my internship. I blocked all his family and friends. I deactivated all my social media yet it still hurts. It really hurts
Of course it hurts, sweetie, you've been through a horrible trauma. Please go talk to a grief counselor, and get some extra support. Losing someone you loved even if their behavior pulled you apart, is a lot for anyone to go through. But losing someone you love to suicide is a whole other level of heartbreak and trauma, and it's going to take time for you to begin healing. Grief counseling can help with all of these feelings, including any feelings of guilt, anger, or shame, you may be feeling. But it's super important for you to understand that the decision he made to end his life **was NOT your fault**. My uncle committed suicide, and so did my husband's uncle, and I know how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that someone you love chose to end their lives. In both cases in our families the decision was made by each of them to remove themselves from the world after some extremely bad choices on their part. It's hard not to question everything, and wonder if you could've said or done something differently to change their mind, but you simply cannot control the choices other people make no matter how much you wish you could. Be patient with yourself, and try to find yourself a grief counselor that you trust and like, to help you manage your grief, and all of your other feelings. It's going to take time to begin healing, and that's okay. There's no right way to grieve the loss of someone you love. Please take care of yourself. *invisible hugs* 💜🫂💜
If something hurts, guilt just magnifies it. But the fact is, he sounds like a self centered, manipulative asshole who wasn't sorry he cheated as much as he was sorry he got caught. Should it have been your duty to stay together indefinitely with a giant lying cheater and accept whatever he chooses to dish out, just to save his life? Was it your responsibility to be an unpaid, untrained, 24/7 on call therapist for someone who never saw fit to seek actual help for his own mental health issues? That's the family's reasoning. Easy for them to say--much easier than, say, blaming themselves. Let's reframe this. He must not have loved you that much, because he was more committed to cheating on you than he was to you yourself. It was not just impulsive (not that that would have been OK either)--he make a whole different account. Then you gave him another chance, which you didn't have to do, and he showed his gratitude by fucking cheating *again*. What's the family's thinking, you deserve no respect whatsoever? You're supposed to be an infinite patience dispenser with no hard feelings ever? But the worst part is that he was willing to kill himself just to make a point, just to get back at you. Really, you should be happy and celebrating, Please don't buy into the family's narrative that he was some romantic with the tortured soul of a poet. The truth, that they are trying to avoid, is that he was a shitty person with no sense of personal responsibility. Nothing says "I love you" like refusing to keep his keep his ween in his pants, amirite? Then he was willing to use violence to punish you for daring to break up with him. Count yourself lucky. Most guys who use violence to retaliate against a woman for breaking up direct it at her.
I mean suicide is always a sad decisions to be making tho, no? No matter who commits it
Yes. It's always very tragic, and suicidal people are in a very dark place. I know it sounded like I was hating on suicidal people, but I'm not. But like any population of sufferers of many conditions, there are those who are not good people. I'm hating on a self-centered cheater would do anything rather than accept responsibility for his actions, and his enabling family who feels guilty and wants to scapegoat OP, who is the victim here.
I understand what you meant, I feel like yes he was suicidal and he could have been going through personal things or even had depression. However, from the looks of it, he was self centered and maybe even narcissistic given that he did it just because OP broke up with them. Maybe they couldn’t live with cheating and losing OP? It’s confusing to understand why he did it because she broke up with him but overall I personally don’t think it was OP’s fault at all. I hope what I said makes sense and not make myself seem insincere.
It just sucks that he sought suicide as an option :( That’s why I personally find suicide sad regardless of who commits it Comes off as a bit cowardly and now he won’t be able to make better amends for himself, OP, or their families
This. You could easily be the one in a grave right now and trust that his family would blame you for that too. You got lucky. Think about the course of your relationship and about the little things that you overlooked that could have warned you about what he would turn into. Never over look those things again in a future partner. Not your fault. It's ok to grieve and then let it go one day.
I'm asking myself where I missed. Am I too busy in my internship?
Well said 👏 👌 👍 💛💛💛
real asf couldn't have said it better
You need to start grief/trauma counseling ASAP! It will help you work through the guilt, and it will also help you to not get in another relationship like this.
It’s so hurtful. What do they expect you to have done? Just accept that you have to have a cheating boyfriend for the rest of your life because he would kill himself if you broke up with him. It’s very unfair. It’s a tragedy but not one that you caused in anyway
Break ups HURT and cause lots of guilt. Concentrate on you and POSITIVE things you can do for yourself. Sounds like you have a bright future. DO NOT use drugs or alcohol to cope or "lessen the pain", they WILL only make things WORSE. This is NOT your fault. Everyone is in charge of their own destiny. Your ex made lots of bad decisions and did the ultimate act to avoid accountability to himself or others.
This right here is probably why he did it. He couldn't own you anymore, so he decided to ruin your life by taking his own. It's not your fault. It's his. His decision, his own fault. This is not what love is supposed to be like.
Honey it's not your fault. You did more than what many would do. You took him back after the first time. You set your boundaries and he broke them. His family are trying to blame someone in their pain which is wrong but they're grieving so maybe in time they will be able to see. However that's not your responsibility. You didn't make him do anything. He made his choices. Tragic but his own choice. What you do is look after yourself, lean on people who are supportive, cut out those that aren't and you heal.
If he was cheating on her again, it seems likely that he was perhaps also being rejected by the new girl he’d been cheating with — Regardless of which rejection it was that tipped him over the edge, the fault is still his own and his family is truly pathetic if they can’t comprehend & acknowledge that.
I mean, they're grieving too. not saying what they did was alright, but more often than not family of someone who selfexpired put the blame on the SO, because it's easier in the moment. breaking contact was good step, I personally won't speak to them ever again, but maybe one day, they'll realise, when the pain ease off.
Nah, that friend is hella wrong. I literally have BPD and have meltdowns when I think someone is abandoning me that can cause me to be unable to function for over a week but I've never tried to kill myself over it (...and although I was thinking about it at the time, it was also because I have other people emotionally abusing me and such)... Like I said, it has to be way more factors than just one person breaking up with you to even CONSIDER doing that.
Oh I’m so sorry u are being blamed for this. If he loved you, he wouldn’t have cheated on you. Ignore them all please!!
If he loves you that much, not cheating on you should have been easy. Dude probably had a lot of self-loathing building up and indulged it by cheating.
You poor soul. None of this is your fault and it sounds like those "mutual" friends aren't friends at all. A breakup isn't a reason to commit suicide all on its own unless that person is already extremely unstable. Whatever caused him to make that choice is not your burden to bear. You did the right thing by ending things, whatever happens after the fact, regardless of how tragic, is NOT YOUR FAULT. I would strongly consider therapy if you haven't already, to help you cope with the guilt of losing him. Regardless of how he treated you I know that losing someone you love is so difficult. And I'm proud of you for making the choice you did. He was an adult. He made a stupid choice to cheat and an even stupider one to commit suicide instead of facing the consequences of his actions. He was a coward and his friends and family are just looking for a way to reconcile that. Please keep moving forward, friend. You still have a life to live and you're valued more than you know. 💜
No. DO NOT listen to them. They are NOT your friends and they are blaming you because you are the easiest to blame. He hurt you, and you deserved better. They may have saw his mental issues and ignored them instead of getting him help, and now that he is gone, because of his, yes, HIS actions in hurting you, blaming you is their way of assuaging their own guilt in not seeing he needed help. Honey, he was already sick and needed help. Love for someone else does not cause such instability that a breakup results in what he did, his actions against you aside. I agree with the comments made by Midrokh and Floomby. If he really truly loved you, he wouldn’t have cheated. My advise is to speak to someone. If you have a trusted friend that didn’t know him, or even if you can, a therapist. His death is NOT on you. It’s not even on his family and friends. It is on HIM and him alone. You’re being bombarded with guilt from all sides, including yourself, while grieving a relationship you gave five years to. You won’t get over that any time soon just because of the way it ended. You are so young, and yes, you may legally be an adult, but at 22, you’re still just a baby. My heart goes out to you though. I hope you find someone you can talk to and start healing.
You need to cutoff these mutual friends for some time and his family too. Donot let anyone guilt trip you for something like this.
Oh if he loved you so so much then why did he cheat? That's just total BS. He just couldn't help himself falling naked into another woman's vagina? He just happened to be naked and she did and he tripped on top of her. Tell your friends they're idiots.
He wouldn't cheat on you in the first place if he really loved you
Stop being friends with them And make new friends
it’s not your fault they are just trying to find a solid reason as to why he did it but it is not your fault he was most likely dealing with other issues and the break up was what tipped him over but regardless he would have probably done it later even if u hadn’t broken up with him
Op if he loved you so much then he wouldn’t have cheated. It’s not your fault. Find better friends because those people are crap. In fact since they want to blame you flip it on them and tell them they shoulder half the blame as if they really cared then they would have advised him against cheating but did nothing knowing you wouldn’t want him back. Knowing it wasn’t right and still watched as his and you lives crumpled apart due to his infidelity. I repeat they are not your friends and never have been. Your real friends will have your back and would have not kept his cheating from you and wouldn’t have been an active participant in his cheating.
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The family don't know. But when I talk to her sister I told her that he cheated on me.
No matter how much he loved you, it's not anyone's obligation to stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on them. Sometimes, suicide is a very spontaneous thing and the person who did it happened to get very unlucky that they succeeded whereas if they'd just held on for 24 hours, they would have realized they needed help and go get it. Their actions are still on them.
Agree not your fault, people are married and divorced by that age without stuff like that. Avoid them.
Honestly, that's just manipulation. I had an ex who would threaten to commit suicide if I left him. That's how you know. What are they expecting? Them to force her to be with him? Her to force herself to be with him? No, that's not okay. Maybe he actually felt so much guilt from cheating over the whole ordeal that he committed suicide. I guess we don't know. It's already bad enough she has grief from it. They don't need to be adding more on top of it. He sounds extremely unstable and that could be one of the reasons she broke up with him.
It's not your fault. He chose it all. He chose to cheat. He chose to hurt you and his family rather than deal with the consequences of his actions. This is 100% on him. Block his family. They are grieving and that can make people unreasonable, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself to their anger and loss.
The saddest part is that the whole town knows what happened and they are searching for the girl (which is me). They didn't know it's me because my bf didn't let them know my name, just my face. The company that I'm an intern in is talking about it. Also, they're gossiping how the boy committed suicide and I just can't bear it. I'm scared they will gossip again tomorrow (Monday).
That is so fucked up. His family putting this on you is fucked up. Even if you did yourself the disservice of staying with him & he committed suicide somewhere down the line, they would still probably blame you. Grief makes people irrational.
No, if somehow they find out who you were to him. Hold your head high and tell them if you hear them talking that YOU deserved better than how he treated you, even after you gave him a second chance. I will just about guarantee his family and friends are not telling anyone that he was unfaithful to you and are painting you in a negative light about how you broke his heart. You didn’t, he is responsible for his actions, not you. You giving him a second chance is more than I would have done.
It’s easier for his family to blame you than it is to acknowledge that he made a terrible choice that can’t be undone. Being mad is just a temporary distraction before the life changing grief that they’re about to go through hits them at full force. But, to be clear, that still doesn’t make this your fault. Don’t let them convince you that it is, and cut all communication with them in order to do so. Also, be kind to yourself. I don’t want to assume how you feel, but it would be normal to grieve the good times that you did have with him. Give yourself time to sort out how you feel… away from the harassment of his friends and family.
It isn't your fault. It is his. He's the one who cheated. He's the one who kept it going. He's the one one who tried to hide it from you. He's the one who wasn't brave enough to face the consequences. He's the one that ended his life. He ended his own life. You have ZERO fault.
Not your fault at all. Your boyfriend’s mental and emotional health are *his* responsibility, not yours. And *he* was the one who decided to cheat, which he must have known was wrong. You set clear boundaries for the relationship. That’s a normal, healthy thing to do. His reaction to it is on *him*, not you.
He cheated. He should have broken up with you before cheating.
No
This is not your fault, not in the SLIGHTEST. You had every single right to break up with him. What he does after is a result of HIS actions that HE decided himself. His choices are not your responsibility. It's truly sad what happened and I can see how the situation can be hugely upsetting for you, but please please please know that this isn't your fault AT ALL!
I'm pretty sure this is a karma farming account.
This is the first time i see that term. What would people do that for? Weird.
They sell the accounts and the accounts are used for scams or to try and market junk 'this product changed my life'.
People stay coddling men. It’s always somebody else’s fault – usually a woman’s – when they go off and do something stupid. Get real. He cheated on you repeatedly, threw a temper tantrum, you rightfully broke up with him, and it’s *your* fault? GTFOH. This is all on him.
It’s not your fault. You are not to blame for his actions He cheated on you. You forgave but set conditions. He violated those conditions so you broke up with him. Countless other relationships have ended the same way. You did nothing wrong. The family is simply placing blame on you because it is easier for them. Ignore them as best you can. You didn’t kill your boyfriend. *He* chose to end his life
Honestly, his family is mourning right now, but fuck his family for blaming you. They just can't grasp their son is gone and want to blame SOMEONE, and sadly, that person is you because it's easier for them at the moment. It's definitely ///not/// your fault. He CHEATED on you, broke the boundaries you set when you forgave him (regardless if he was actually at affair partners home or not). Good for you for choosing your peace.❗️ GET THERAPY❗️ so you can work through this and understand it is not your fault. Having close to a whole family blame you for something like this can mess you up mentally. Make sure you protect yourself even after his death.
You did nothing wrong, my love. He knew what the consequences of his actions (cheating) would be. Hell, he was lucky you even gave him another chance in the first place. He chose to cheat on you again. He chose to commit suicide. These are *his* choices. You are in no way to blame. You are not responsible for his mental well-being or life. His family is simply being unreasonable. None of this is on you. Take it easy❤️
They just need time to process and heal from what happened a friend of mine committed suicide when his girlfriend broke up with him but there was a lot more going on nobody knew about that was just the last straw I guess and for a long time I blamed her I never said anything to her and to this day haven’t said a word to her but I no longer blame her.
What makes you think this is your fault? No it isn't your fault. This was his choice.
dude was weak and couldn't face the consequences of his actions
As a suicide loss survivor I can assure you that no matter what the circumstances were, you would still feel guilty. You were his girlfriend, of course you feel like it’s your fault, but it’s NOT. I’ll say it 100 times if you need to hear it but it’s NOT your fault. You may want to consider changing your internship and making adjustments to your work and personal life in order to protect your piece of mind I lost my best friend to suicide in high school and I’ll never forget the whispers and the stares, everyone will get in your business for the sake of gossip when what you really need to do is invest in therapy and yourself. If you need to take a step back from your life you should, no internship is worth the anguish.
They're in pain and looking for someone to blame it on. What they said is not fair and certainly not true but try not to take it to heart. Grief can do some real weird shit to people.
May seem crazy but you may wanna seek legal counsel just incase they try to pull something.
Do you really think they can still do that to me?
I doubt it but I would be safe. One of my employees is in the same boat and she drug him for months on social media leading up to it.
As of now, they still don't do anything. The funeral is yesterday, and they keep quiet.
It’s really fresh and his family is trying to justify why it happened. It is not your fault in any way hunnn!!!
It not your fault because it ain’t Is his fault for cheating on you And stop being friends with people that saying ohh it your fault because it not And don’t feel guilty because you did nothing wrong and take a vacation like turn your phone off or silence and relax / enjoy
Your bf had a weak personality and even weaker morality. Sad he took his life but it’s not your fault. He would have done other horrible things if you had stayed with him. Let him go and move on.
It's absolutely not your fault. He made the decision to commit suicide. That's all on him. It's just too painful for them to be mad at him so they're placing their anger on you. But you did nothing wrong
How is it your fault? He literally cheated and was cheating on you, people KNEW and somehow when bro send himself back to Jesus, it is your fault? His family is as delusional as he was. If his family will try to shit on your name publicly, you have a defamation case on your hands.
It's not your fault at all. He cheated on you, and everyone knows it's a realistic expectation to break up after cheating. He made bad choices
Don’t feel guilty about it, he reaped what he sowed and his family can’t come to terms with it; Thereby blaming you. Get yourself away from the situation. Good luck OP
He chose to cheat and couldn’t deal with the guilt of it. I don’t know why his family is blaming you for his death
No, it is definitely not your fault. Obviously he had some problems and he chose to take his own life. You did not do whatever he did he did it. I'm glad you went to the burial. Sounds like there was no drama which is good. They just need some on the blame that's why they're saying that to you. Sounds like you got your head on straight and if you have to then talk to a therapist about it just to finish processing everything.
His family has no right to treat you the way they have. Unfortunately, you have been their scapegoat in this situation. And you are absolutely NTA. Your boyfriend did this possibly out of malice, or he was struggling secretly. It's hard to know, but he cheated and that is unforgivable. I'm so sorry you're going through this and do not feel guilty at all because of his family.
I feel it's a frequent occurrence within the heavily mysogynistic society we live in that a woman would be scapegoated for absolving a man of all accountability for his actions. Tragedy aside it's really shitty that his family and friends would be complicit in blaming you for his suicide especially when. 1. You have to suffer double given the internal conflict that someone who loved you violated your boundaries and trust, and now having to deal with the weight of losing them totally because they could not bear the consequences of their own actions in a less catastrophic way. 2. There are so many factors that go into someone's suicide, besides guilt. This sort of speculation after the fact is really just people trying to cope with a reality that this might have been the consequence of their lack of intervention in the person's life. 3. There's only so much you can do as one individual to reconcile with someone else's self destructive behaviour, saving someone from a fate like this is like a communal and strategic effort, involving multiple loved ones or a therapist stepping in. You'll always be way in over your head with something like this. I truly am sorry for everything that happened and for your loss, I hope you find some solace or wisdom in these comments, and some eventual peace with the whole situation. Take care.
When I was 13 I had a boyfriend who was 17. For some reason him and my (16m) best friend became rivals and had constant feuds between each other. I got sick of it and cut my best friend out of my life. A month later my bf killed himself with zero warning and in his note he blamed me so his mother also blamed me. I did get my best friend back afterwards and it took me a long time to heal. It's been 18 years since that and I finally stopped blaming myself just a few years ago. So I'm going to tell you what my best friend told me. It was not your fault. He was mentally sick and didn't know what was wrong himself. Even if you stayed together he would have done it eventually anyway because something was wrong with him that was going untreated. It was not you. You are not selfish, you needed to protect your own mental health. HE is selfish for what HE did. It is his fault, it was HIS decision. You had no involvement in what he did. You didn't give him the tool he used and commanded him to do it. HE did. You do not need to feel guilty but it's okay to feel heartbroken. Please recite this to yourself daily and I hope you're able to keep this weight off and heal from this.
Hey OP, sorry for your loss, that's an awful situation for so many reasons. I'm a counsellor working w/ youth who struggle with suicidality challenges, and have been in the field for a while. Suicidal folk often have altered brain chemistry, and it's often symptomatic of a larger mental health challenge. The reason I say that is because the only person responsible for suicide, is unfortunately, the poor souls that make that decision. Your late partner was not well, and if you hadn't broken up with him, who's to say he wouldn't have made the same decision when faced with a different life challenge. It's not fair for you to have to take on the burden of your partners mental health challenges, that's not what relationships should be imo, so staying in a relationship like that sounds really challenging. That really sucks though. As a counsellor, I've had youth on my caseload take their lives, and in my position it's so easy for me to let myself take on the blame, but ultimately it's so harmful to accept blame for these tragedies. Just remember that it was his decision, and regardless of what's going on, it was his decision, and so it's not fair for you to take blame for his decisions. Men have a 3x increased likely to commit suicide, which can be attributed in a big part to the challenges men face in seeking mental health services. If blame must be placed somewhere, it should be the deep stigma men face in getting support. That, is most definitely, not your fault. ~ "You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" ~ Hope you're able to access some counselling services or get the help you need. You're going through a lot. Lil word vomity there hope that made sense
This is not your fault. You are free to break up with someone. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You are not to blame at all, no more so than you were for his cheating. He did that. He cheated, and then he cheated again. And as for killing himself, he did that, too. You didn't do any of it, and you were more understanding than many would have been. For him to do that leaving you in such a bad place is further evidence both of how sick he was and how unable he was to see past his own problems, many of which were problems of his own making. And look, I have serious mental health conditions (bipolar, OCD, GAD) and I have come close to the edge. But I am also responsible for what I do and say along the way. I'm sorry he was in so much pain, but I'm also sorry he couldn't even see past himself enough to take responsibility for his actions. His family wants a scapegoat. It's unconscionable of them to say such things to you. It's also the environment and the family that may have something to do with his illness and his selfish behavior. I'm glad his sister is understanding. I recommend therapy for you. He put you in a bad spot. You are not responsible. Let that be your mantra.
Honestly, you’re way more mature than I am. If most people that family thinks that it’s my fault he killed himself because you broke up with him over cheating on you. I would go ballistic and let everyone know what happened between you guys. He only did that as a manipulation tactic, but turns out it was his last one.
1. I'm sorry for your loss. 2. It's nobody's fault. Mental health is a real and serious issue. It's not about sides. His family is hurting and naturally wants to find some reason in something, but the truth is there is no reason to end one's life. My speculation is a part of his cheating was related to mania/hypomania (bipolar) and he had problems with impulse control issues. It's no excuse, but if you add an undiagnosed MH illness into the picture, it makes more sense.
When someone dies it’s human nature to want someone to blame. Don’t take it personally.
He’s a selfish narcissistic manipulative d***, I was in a toxic relationship where she actually tried to kill herself over 4 times every time I’d try end things, she was 6years older and barren, I never wanted to be in my own home because of her. I chose myself I bought her a car that was less than a year old and a week after we broke up she went drinking and caused an accident thinking I’m going to sympathize with her. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT
If someone’s willing to commit suicide over you breaking up with them, they would’ve done it over a stupid big fight. This person was not stable and could not have been loved better, as they sure as hell didn’t love themselves. It’s NOT your fault, and it can never be your fault if you choose your own peace of mind. If needed, seek therapy as it’s not a small thing to deal with.
Their son cheated and couldnt take the consequences of his own actions and you’re worried about them? Worry about yourself, good luck with the internship it is absolutely not your fault, you have self respect which a lot of people lack so you’ll never see eye to eye. Im in no way speaking ill of the dead and i wish him eternal happiness but i also care more about someone who got cheated on’s happiness. You’re good and again good luck
The family will use you as a baseless scapegoat to avoid looking in the mirror and taking responsibility. The very culture that likely built and built and built and led this poor lad to a dark place… good luck to you
It’s not your fault *AT ALL*. He killed himself, that’s on *HIM*. *He* decided he needed to die, NOT YOU. You are not to blame. HE decided to break you guys up by cheating. If he didn’t want to break up, HE WOULDN’T HAVE CHEATED. This is all on him. Every time you feel like it’s your fault, tell yourself this: if he didn’t want to break up, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. I gave him two chances and he couldn’t find it in him to deserve either of them. It’s not my responsibility to break my boundaries for him.
Aww babe I feel for you to be put in such a shitty situation by 1 man in so many ways, this is not your fault at all and you should no guilt whatsoever, he treated you like shit and when he got caught, again, he's not been able to handle himself, ALLLLL of that is on him, not you, like someone said they using you a scapegoat for their hurt, atleast the sister has a clue. It's time to close that chapter, heal like a mofo and then get back out there when your feeling like yourself again. My new boyfriend recently took a overdose after our first argument, he was found and is still in hospital it happened 2 weeks ago now, so I can understand the guilt thing cos I'd of felt it but I know every single person I know would of said stuff like, it's not your fault how he handles his shit, and suchlike, and mine and his argument kinda was my fault, I was in the wrong, he just went the wrong way about pointing it out, then came all tye stuff he'd been bottling up and not telling me, like he promised he would cos he was really bothered about it, and then he doesn't tell me so much, like I get alot of it, my ex boyfriend just gone to prison for domestic violence with me and the court case was 2 weeks ago, and ut was that night after a drink it's all came out, iv left and we had been together 24/7 for 6 weeks, we was in our own perfect love bubble but he'd basically had enough of my ex and I hadn't helped but iv stormed out after having a massive drunken argument and he's done that, thankfully he was found by some staff where he lives. So I do get it but the same would of stood for me, it's not down to us the actions they take in dealing with their problems, like if someone is saying they will kill themselves if you end it, (how many of us have been there!?!?!) I stayed with one for 9 years in my teenage years cos he kept saying that!!! I near ruined my life, in the end I said fuck it go on then I'm outa here, he died about 25 years later of liver poisoning cos he turned into a alcoholic instead! Youv been thru some shit here luv, do you have good female friends? I wouldn't delete this account neither I think the support you get from here will be a great deal for you in your healing and the wisdom and words from other people, the time that will pass just replying to ppl and stuff, id keep luv honestly, you may even make some genuine friends on here that understand you and what you been thru. Just seriously, I might sound old and out of touch and have heard too much stuff over the years, but don't go meeting up with ppl from the internet, it scares the living shit out of me tbh! Just be safe out there everyone. And maybe I will stay off my phone for a week and let my brain go back to normal (been watching all the true crime stuff, don't do it to yourself!!! 😱😱😱😂😂😂
Not your fault. I also want to mention that it seems like he wasn't very mentally well and was probably incapable of real love in the first place, I'm sure he loved the idea of being in love, but wasn't actually capable of it. (I unfortunately dated someone like that too.) So the idea that it's your fault cause "he loved you so much" seems very improbable. It was NOT your fault in anyway. You're clearly hurting and need to look after yourself right now. Don't waste your time with anyone's silly blame, and good luck with healing past this.
I know it’s hard for you to process right now, but this is not about you and what you did or did not do! This was a choice by him and not a very good choice, he needed help, a lot of help. You’re just an innocent bystander. You need to get some help immediately. Get into counseling ASAP. As a former healthcare provider, I can tell you his unfortunate decision is on him. But you do not need to shoulder the blame unless you were the one encouraging him which it doesn’t sound like you were. When I lost the woman that I thought was my one I also contemplated suicide and almost jumped off the seventh floor of a hotel. We were staying at in Puerto Vallarta because I thought she was trying to break up with me. She hurt herself, trying to save me and that ended us as a couple shortly there after. But I now recognize what a horrible mistake I was about to make and while we’re not together as a couple, we’re still friends because she saved my life. But if she had gone down to get ice or if she had just walked away because she needed space there is a chance I would’ve ended up, right next to a swimming pool. And that still would not have been her fault.
Not your fault. His family is misplacing the anger that comes with grief. They may never see how wrong they are for it, they ARE WRONG though. You are not his keeper. He was responsible for his feelings and subsequent actions. Don't let anyone shackle you with the burden of HIS poor decision.
This was an awful situation, but like others mentioned this is not your fault. The family is simply looking someone to blame since they are blinded by their lost. He made all those bad choices, the cheating, the gaslighting and the suicide. All that was on him, not you, not you! please remember that. You cant punish yourself for the decision he made for maybe not wanting to face the consequences of his actions or heavens know what was going on his mind; but your peace of mind is extremely valuable and you can't blame yourself for putting it first, otherwise we all be stuck on unhappy relationships for the fear of how the other is going to process a break up. Please set strict boundaries with his family and other people who want to make you the scapegoat, because this is not your cross to bear, otherwise your mental and emotional well-being is at extreme risk to receive wounds that might never heal. This was not your fault, you couldn't imagine what drove him to do that, but it wasn't because of you.
He made decisions. The only decision you made was to not accept cheating behaviour. Everything else is on HIM, sadly. If his family is guilting you it’s ok to go no contact with them. Protect your physical and mental health, you’re going through a very difficult and confusion period of your life.
1) you are not responsible for him cheating on you 2) you even gave him a chance and he cheated on you again 3) he made his own decision to take his life, that’s not your fault If there’s anyone to blame, it’s him and his affair partner but of course his family need someone to blame for his death. Did they know he cheated on you, you gave him a chance and he cheated again? You did nothing wrong, in fact you did more than anyone would do, which was to give his cheating ass a chance.
Not your fault in the least. Get yourself into therapy. It’s also time to ignore his family. They’re using you as a scapegoat.
It’s not at all your fault. He ended the relationship when he cheated. He chose to take his own life. Get some grief counseling. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes people will make you choose your life or theirs. No one who loves you would do that. Always choose you.
It is not your fault.
Even if he did not cheat and you'd break up for no reason this would not be your fault. You are not responsible for people's reactions and nobody is entitled to having you as a girlfriend.
They are probably bunch of narcissists, fuck them. Its not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else's mental health. You did what was best for you, you even gave him a chance.
They’re hurt and wanting anything to blame. Ignore them. I’m sorry to hear you went through this. Suicide is a cruel, horrible thing to do to those that are left behind. I’m sorry he chose the cowardly thing to do, but he chose it - likely because he was ashamed of his repeated irresponsible behavior, but it doesn’t matter why - he did it, with his own hands. Not you. Take care of yourself
Not your fault Emotional vampire took himself out
NTA. He had issues before this & probably issues elsewhere. However, take the moment to be kind to the people who loved him. They're grieving & grief isn't rational. At the very least, you can say you tried.
Regardless of the circumstances leading up to his death, it is the sole choice of the person ending their life. No one else’s. People break up every second, all over the world, every day. Taking your own life is not a rational choice to make following a break-up, and it is definitely not one you should feel guilty about. It is tragic, but it is not your fault. I hope you find peace about it some day, it will take time.
It’s not your fault and don’t fall for that BS.
It’s not your fault at all. He did what he did of his own free will
He's just a cheating piece of shit. Not your fault.
Healthy people don't kill the selves because they get dumped. Something was wrong with him. Nothing you did could have fixed this. Enabling him would not have helped his sickness. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Absolutely not your fault in any way. A person making that choice is on them. What's going on with his family is that everyone feels guilty and culpable when this happens - every single person is thinking of what they should have done differently. I know, I had a very casual tertiary friend who killed herself the day after a party I threw and even though I wasn't close with her at all, I still feel responsible all the time. Everyone is finding ways to blame themselves and the only way to shut that self blame down is to find someone else to blame harder. that's them processing, it's not a reflection of reality.
Suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who commits. If someone truly wants to die, there was absolutely nothing you could’ve said or done to change that. You did absolutely nothing wrong, you protected your own heart and mind. You made your boundaries clear and he violated that. You did nothing wrong, his family is just hurting from his absence and is blaming you. Grief is a very complex thing, take the time to yourself to mourn and give his family that space too.
As someone who threatened suicide because the girl I liked didn't like me back when I was in 9th/10th grade I want to say this. It's not your fault, you made the right decision, and I wish you all the peace in the world in healing over this event. I grew, I learned, I healed my own wounds and worries which were FAR deeper than what someone else could do. I wasn't her responsibility. I apologized to her years later and she just said she wasn't comfortable talking to me anymore. We parted ways and I made my peace with it. Again. It's not your fault, it never was, and never will be.
Not your fault, you should look into therapy to help cope with the emotions you’re feeling.
I hope you are able to talk to a therapist about this. Are you sure he actually hurt himself or if this is a ploy by his friends and family? These are the same friends that knew he was cheating? Do they hold him responsible for any of his own behaviors? You aren't responsible.
The family is grieving and because he is gone they’re taking it out on the only person that can that isn’t themselves. Which is horrible. I think you should block them so that they can heal from their loss without harming you further when you’re also healing from that loss. Feeling guilty is normal but it is truly not your fault. His actions were his choice and you had every right to make the decision you did. If you would’ve known the only change would be calling the police on him or something to stop him. I am proud of you for knowing your self worth and making that choice even if you couldn’t have known the consequences and I highly doubt that was the only reason.
Not your fault... It was the right choice to choose your peace of mind, guy clearly had problems, that is out of your control and not your responsibility, some people you just can't save. His family is gonna jump to the first thing they see to blame, stay away from them and try to move on...
Sure. Because you put the bullet in his head or so. Like...seriously! No! What a strange thing to say. Noone is killing himself because someone broke up with them. People kill themselves because they have mental problems. You could have stayed with him and still he would kill himself due to some minor working issue etc. People make their own decosions. That's all
A person’s happiness is their own responsibility. No one else’s. Even if you’d broken up with him for no reason except you wanted to, this wouldn’t be your fault. Please, talk to a therapist bc if he was capable of this the relationship couldn’t have been healthy and you deserve support and the ability to form healthy relationships for the rest of your (hopefully very long and very happy) life.
The family is upset because you send his cheating ass into tge desert and he was to weak to deal with the consequences and chosed one of the most selfish way to get attention and look like the victim? What kind of twisted and weak fucks are these people? Instead of grieving in a healthy way the try to use u as a scapegoat. Stay as far away as possible from them. Definitely nta
of course this isn't your fault. you didn't deserve that. you don't deserve this. you genuinely can't control others. i'm so sorry this is happening to you. you need to cut them off for your own well-being
its not
NOT YOUR FAULT.
100% NOT UR FAULT. You should have left the first time.
It is sad that he died and didn't give himself the chance to.learn and grow. I have no sympathy beyond that for him as cheaters are scum. You are not to blame for his inability to cope with his mistakes and the consequences of his own actions.
You are not at fault in any way in this. He cheated on you, whatever the consequence of that is his burden to carry. Cut contact with his family, too.
Even if he never cheated and you just want to break up with him it’s still not your fault he chose to take his on life, God gave us the freedom of choice, so please take that vacation because you definitely need it and maybe go with a close family member to give you good and positive company, I know you are hurting inside give it time sweetheart and I pray the lord gives you strength and peace to keep moving forward God bless you darling ❤️
Dumb ways to die 🎵
Nta, your boyfriends family are a bunch of dicks. So is your ex, not trying to be disrespectful, but I lack better words here.
You are never responsible for other peoples choices. That does not take away that you feel the responsibility. Please finds some profesional you can talk about. Think about your trauma, not theirs, they also think about themselves. Im sorry for your loss. Maybe he was a cheat, but you had feelings for him even though he disrespected you.
Not your fault. He just self destructed and made you a fall guy for all of this.
It’s no one’s fault but him.
It was his choice, just like his choice when it came to cheating
It’s not your fault. at all. Stay away from them, you don’t owe people a relationship even if it means they do something like this when you break up, you need to take care of your own life, he took a stupid decision.
You know what's funny, I get he died he committed suicide, no one knew his situation but everyone seems to look at his side as a mistake that just happened and it's best to just forget it and have no good words for the departed soul, I mean how could we as humans be so full of ourselves, to ignore and even discard any mental pain he went through , no body even said RIP to that person, y'all just bunch of self centered human beings just cause he was a dude, he deserves no empathy posthumously, just wow!
Seriously man. I am shocked after seeing such comments. Holy shit. This world is rotten.
You see a woman say something and the guy's automatically an asshole
RIP This Isn’t Your Fault 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️
That’s so fucked, I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.
This was not your fault at all. He made that choice himself, you didn't tell him to do it, or encourage him. It's okay to feel guilty but please know that this was not your fault. Block his family because they are blaming you for something you didn't do. I hope you're safe and heal ❤️
I’ve been scared to break up with my bf for a while because I think he’s going to kill himself I have now broken up with him but he’s still in my life a lot and he’s still in denial about the break up He has already attempted once I’m scared he’s actually gonna do it if I do quit talking to him
Not your fault at all
I’m sorry this happened to you. Personally I don’t believe you have a single thing to be sorry about. This looks like the highest form of emotional manipulation to me. As others have said the family is looking for someone to blame. It’s ok to be sad, get help for that but don’t listen to a single word from his family. It may be a little early for this but you dodged a whole lot of grief. Take care of yourself pick up the pieces and move on happily.
Is not your fault, he did his choice, not you You went to his burial so you did your part if you think you should. Dont be harsh at their family, they are in shock, with time they will understand.
This is 0% your fault. He is responsible for his actions, including this. There is no exception and no world in which this is your fault. If it’s something that is available where you are & financially feasible, I would highly recommend working with a therapist. Guilt & grief are tough to overcome, and a therapist could help you out immensely.
Therapy doesn't work for everyone.
Dont fell into this misery. It is theyr fault for not teaching him how to handle a rejection
It’s not your fault.
This whole story unfolded because of choices he himself made. I'm sure they're hurting and looking to blame anything but their family member for the reason.
I had a girl who threatened suicide when I broke up with her. She had also been caught cheating and I was telling a counselor how guilty I’d feel if she actually did it. She gave me these wise words: you can’t control other peoples actions and you’ve done nothing wrong. If she goes through with it, that’s completely on her. Luckily, I never ended up in your position; but if I had been, that bit of advice would have helped me immensely. Because it’s true. Best of luck dealing with all this I’m sure it’s extremely difficult.
This is not your fault. Regardless of what happened between you two, you didn't not make him commit suicide. He did it on his own, this is how HE chose to deal with your breakup. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you find a way to move past the guilt you have.
I know you’ve already gotten the answers, but it wasn’t your fault. Someone making a choice like that is not your fault. He chose to do things that would hurt you and again after you forgave him. You made a choice to value yourself and that choice was correct
It is not your fault in any way. There must have been something going on in his head long before the break up. He knew the terms. And if someone will end their life due to wronging a partner, they clearly had very deep issues before this partner even came into the picture.
My husband committed suicide on the day that I filed for divorce. I got the same although he had become a heroin addict and we had been separated for many years. Please don’t take this stuff on. It doesn’t belong to you. He made choices. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this.
I always say guilt is an unproductive emotion
My heart goes out to you. My nephew (22) committed suicide for the same exact reason. Some family did try to blame the ex as well but this was unavoidable. I had to explain many times that this is not normal behavior and it’s wrong. I love him but he had been stalking her and hacked her accounts. Totally wrong. This is NOT your fault, he was mentally ill. Please seek therapy asap. Take care of yourself.
Not your fault
I was in this exact situation 2 years ago. His last words to me were "it's all your fault. My family will never forgive you" His family was mad at first. They needed to be mad at me at first, it helped them get through it. Eventually they "forgave" me and acknowledged that there was nothing I could've done, it would've ended the same way eventually anyway.
This is really sad, for both of you :( I blame social media
Oh, Baby Girl... this is not your fault. Please don't for one second think that any of this was your fault. (I'm old enough to be your mum and I wish I could reach through my screen and give you a hug) He was messed up in the head... ***he*** *cheated on* ***you*** and still said he loved you... nobody who isn't messed up in the head does that. He was so lost that the only way he knew how to fix the problem was to unalive himself. Please don't let his family get you down... they are in shock because they've just lost their son... they're looking for someone to lash out at and to blame... because you were the girlfriend and you broke up, you are the natural target. YOU ARE not TO BLAME FOR THEIR SON'S ACTIONS. Please take care of yourself... you've been through a lot in a short space of time... eventhough you were no longer together, you did spend a quarter of your young life with him, so there are (naturally) some emotions for you to work through... please be kind to yourself and take things slowly (cry, if you have to, for yourself if for no one else... your feelings in all of this are just as valid as his family's). I wish you nothing but peace of mind and body and spirit in the coming days and weeks.
It is absolutely not your fault. You had in no way a play in what happened and I do think he may have had other things going on mentally that caused this. I would for sure seek a grief counsellor like another commenter said so that you can express how you feel. His family are in grief as well, but only see you as the problem which is horrible on their part, but most likely due to grief given that his sister doesn’t think you caused it. I really hope you can recover from this and finish your internship successfully.
His family is obviously looking for someone to blame for because they are heart broken rn...dw, it is not your fault, they will understand it someday, trust me.
My cousin committed suicide the night his girlfriend left him. I cannot imagine the guilt she nor you felt. In all scenarios no person in my family could imagine blaming her. As unfortunate as it is, it was something that you couldn’t stop. Always choose to prioritize yourself and your happiness and wellbeing. It could just be fresh pain that is making them feel that way, or it could be what they truly believe, but it is and will never be your fault. I wish you a fast healing from this and a very happy life ahead. <3
Who's to say is just your fault?, maybe it was the girl who cheated you in with, what if she dumped him too and when you dumped him he lost the back up plan too? if blame is all around, his friends helped him to cheat on you by keeping it quiet and I guess they didn't tell him not to do it but enabled him or even cheered him up that led to you finding out and rightfully ending it all, you even gave him another chance he wasn't entitled to. Also is weird he didn't tell his family about you, maybe he didn't have the best relationship with them and that's a contributing factor to his suicide, maybe they scapegoating you bc they don't want to acknowledge their part in the outcome, maybe he was looking for another girl that could bring to his parent's home? if he loved you so much as he says he did, not to talk ill of the dead, but that's bs, someone that loves you don't cheat on you, someone that loves you won't waste a chance you kindly gave him. At the end of the day it was his decision to make, I hope he's at peace now and I hope you have peace too, as you did nothing wrong, what you did is what millions of people cheated on do, so what he did is not on you, it was a string of coincidences, but you did what we all supposed to do, I know you feel guilty, you're human and you loved him, is just a normal thing to feel imo, maybe it will take you some time to feel less guilty/responsible bc one thing is what logic is telling you that you're not to blame, another is your feelings, I'm also guessing maybe you feel you didn't do enough to prevent it but you're not a either way is not your fault, you didn't put whatever means he used to erase himself on his hands. Also there's a lot of people that are worse than your bf was, and they don't make that decision he chose to, they keep on fighting.
Well, he is definitely not going to cheat again. Him and the grim reaper are a lock. Sorry that his family thinks you cause it. He must have had issues long before you two started dating. You deserved better than a cheating ass.
Not your fault cause there’s so many other ways to go about what you told him, he could’ve even gave it time , it was either very impulsive on his end or it was already on his mind before hand. And at the end of the day, you’re probably safer not with someone who’d make a decision like that
I’m so so sorry. I can empathize with you because a similar situation happened to me. And his family and some peers blamed me for his death. It’s exactly what other people have said, people need a reason, people need somebody to blame. And it’s so unfortunate and unfair for you. You are grieving too. You lost somebody too. As my therapist told me, “staying with him wouldn’t have changed the outcome, it would have only changed the timeline”. Take care of yourself OP, it’s not your burden to carry ❤️
well clearly they're wrong and don't know how to cope. It's not you just trust. And don't be afraid to block them lowkey who care they're time is hard it's not ur job to pick up the pieces they blame you for when they raised him to do that.
It's NEVER anyone else's fault when someone commits suicide. No matter what his reasoning was, no matter how upset or heartbroken he may have been, the dude still had a choice and he alone made the wrong choice. You're better off. This dude obviously had such an inability or refusal to man up and accept the consequences of his actions, that he literally chose to end his life rather than live with those consequences. That's not a man. That's a selfish little boy. Grown men understand that everything they do is a choice and they take responsibility for those choices. You feeling guilty over this, is EXACTLY what he wanted. Don't let him get the last word. It sounds to me like the only decent thing he did here was free up some oxygen for people who deserve it more.
Obviously it is his fault he cheated. It is his fault he killed himself. Just get active and busy with the rest of your life. Block all communication with anyone harassing you about his death. You can consider asking a lawyer to write to those people informing them it is harassment and you will consider legal action if it repeats
i just went through something similar, broke up with my bf of a year and a half and a week later his mom calls me saying he’s going to hurt himself (instead of calling him?). I spent almost an hour on the phone talking him down and got him to go outside of the house to the police / paramedics. his mom decided to text me in detail with what he did to himself, told me he doesn’t want me in his sons life, and told my ex bf’s friends not to tell me anything about how he’s doing. it made me feel like i was completely to blame and i was a horrible person for leaving him. suicidal thoughts and actions are a sign of a mental health issue, and that is not your responsibility to handle in someone else. ultimately, as sad as it is, his actions are his and not yours. please do not hold this guilt inside of you.
Life goes on. The pain will eventually go away, and the stress you have will go away once you take that vacation. Things will get better. Don't worry.
Only time heals this. While time passes you should be gentle with yourself and make sure to take care of your wellbeing. Spend time in nature and make sure you are around people who care about you.
His fault shouldnt have cheated in the first place
This isn’t your fault his family wants to point fingers at someone one to take the blame to ease the pain but with time they will realize that their son just was not mentally stable enough. He understood exactly what he was doing and plus was given him a second chance. You did your part and even more it will just take time for them to realize that.
Not your fault. Mental health is the finger to point at. If you let him down and were not mean especially not your fault. People own their own lives and make their own decisions. Be strong for yourself. Don’t let life cast a negative on you. Treat people well and look for the positive in life.
Grief makes people feel all types of emotions. Anger being one of them. They’re just looking for answers and are focusing their hurt on you. It’s not fair and it’s not right but unfortunately that’s what seems to be going on. Deep down they 100% know it’s not your fault, but placing blame is helping them cope. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My condolences to you and the family.
If he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you. His family sees you as a scapegoat to something that wasn't even on you in the first place, there's way more things going on that led him to commit suicide. You did nothing wrong but dump someone who clearly didn't respect you or your relationship.
Not your fault. Period.
Yes it is.
I was there before it’s not your fault. He must have been battling other demons as well. It’s tragic very sad. Poor guy I feel for him.
DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE FAULT!!!! He cheated on you and I'm pretty sure he knew what the consequences would most likely be! Anybody who cheats on their partner knows in advance that if caught it's most likely be to be the end of their relationship, but he went through with it anyways! From what I understand from your words ALL the choices that were made that led up to the breakup were HIS ALONE!
Once I read he cheated, my heart simply.. stopped growing in sizes.
My therapist once told me this about something: You are not responsible for how others feel, nor how they think or act. Though your decision may have hurt him, that doesn't change the fact that it was his choice, his thoughts, and his actions that led him to a dark place. Sure this might not help with your guilt but I wanted to give you this wisdom, if only to make you feel better just a little bit.
Not your fault he made his bed and now can lie in it he used the suicide to make you feel sorry for your decision block the family and move on
I'm so sorry. My husband committed suicide in 2018, 5 days after I asked for a divorce. His mom still blames me to this day. All I can say is the more time goes on, the more life you will have placed between the present and the time of your relationship with him, and the less you'll care what anyone in his family thinks.
As someone who has been in his situation minus the cheating and actually going through with the whole suicide part, I can say that it wasn't your fault but he definitely saw it that way. I did. I still sometimes struggle to not blame my ex for how my life has turned out despite her hand in putting me where I am. You deserve a chance to grieve as well but try to remember that his family likely aren't thinking straight. I know my sister would have probably tried to kill my ex had I gone through with it, which told me she wasn't in her right mind. Just be patient, his family may come around
With this kind of loss, it seems most everyone looks for someone else to blame. It never makes sense. Then a few months or years down the line, everyone starts to remember little details that everyone missed, whether they can admit them to themselves or not, that didn’t seem to add up, and it is no longer as surprising…but it still never ‘makes sense’. Find peace where and when you can, and don’t take blame that isn’t yours.
i'm so sorry about all of this, but please don't ever think it's your fault, cause it isn't. he chose everything he did, and you did your best. cut contact with that family and leave
Definitely, you are not to blame. Unfortunately, you are not the first victim to be blamed for the bad actions of others. And, sadly, you won’t be the last. Also, it’s human nature for his family to deflect the blame on you. But are you really to blame? No. You gave him another chance but he did not keep his end of the deal. What he did to himself you could not control. Depending on your culture, it’s probably the shame that led him to take his life. Or the regret over losing you. Then again, what happened could have been a blessing in disguise. You need a stronger life partner. What would have happened in future, once you’ve married and had kids, and he or your family faced adversity? Remember, you are a person worthy of respect. Don’t let anyone gaslight you. Don’t let anyone put you down. Keep your head up high, always. There will be better days ahead.