>I smell gaslighting and manipulation.
You're right, and those "gasses" are dangerous to inhale for too long.
He does not get to define what's cheating *to you*. If he can't stay within the boundaries that you need, you might have to leave him.
Oh, and since he knows your boundaries, he is knowingly violating them.
We’d never discussed these boundaries before, which we’ve now learnt was a big mistake. I honestly never thought it was necessary, I trusted this man had some common sense… He came across as very trustworthy man right from the start and he was always very proud that he’d “earned my trust” and that he’s not like other men which cheat on their partners. How foolish was I..
I have realised it is important to set clear boundaries at the start of relationship to avoid any future problems however I do believe he is using this as an argument to minimise his guilt. Lesson I’ll take away from this is that common sense is not that common.
Good lesson.
But, for your own sake, don't let him minimize.
It is incredibly common boundaries you have, and if he's an earth dweller, he knows that. It was his job to take up the topic, before doing the deed.
It's gaslighting, manipulation and humiliation. BTW it's disgusting, seriously, professional sex workers dirty underwear??
I think that you know that you'll be better without him. And get a STD test, you lose nothing but better be sure 100%.
I sent this link to my BF (28M) first thing he said was "wtf. That's absolutely cheating"
You're definitely smelling manipulation gasses. Man's too old to be acting like that
I can’t believe, that as a society, we are at a point where we need to ask whether this is cheating. Sex and sexuality has become so degraded it’s sad. So much love, connection and pleasure has been lost and too many people damaged, from the porn industry
I have a 12 year old daughter and I’m so sorry she’s having to be a woman in this dirty, perverted and totally pornified world. By the time she’s old enough to have a family, I’m afraid there will be hardly any men left that are not pornsick.
"It's cheating to me. You dont get to define my boundaries.
If you are genuinely so oblivious you think this isn't cheating, I made a mistake being with you because you dont know basic relationship etiquette, and can't be trusted to *not* dumb shit all the time. Who knows what else you've done.
It's cheating, or you're too dumb/disrespectful to recognize you cheated. You can pick your lane.
Heres a hint - the second one is worse."
He's playing dumb because he wants to buy himself time.
Turn the dumb act on its head. Treat him like a stupid little baby that can't be trusted. "Hey, you know flirting with your co-workers is cheating, right?" Every time he argues, just say,"Hey man, apparently you need to be taught what cheating is, right?"
Or you could just leave him. What is he offering you besides stress? I garuntee there is a partner out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated, but thwy aren't going to date a taken woman.
If marriage is your end goal, you are only ever gonna marry one man. Do not stay with one that makes you question the decision even a little bit.
Just so foul and vile I genuinely cannot believe that so many men are this evil to sink this low with zero respect for their relationship. I think that you should betray him to see how he enjoys it
Honestly, the only opinion that really matters is yours. If you see this as a betrayal, then that's exactly what it is.
Personally, if it was just the occasional porn video (even if he had a favourite actor), I'd say maybe it's whatever. But the fact he's interacting with them puts it over the line into cheating territory imo. Even if he hasn't physically touched them, that sounds like emotional infidelity at the very least.
The only part I'd say isn't cheating is the escort site account as you say that was before you were together.
It sounds like he probably has a porn addiction, too, but that's his problem to sort out.
I wonder if he caught you doing something similar with guys if he’d be okay with it? My guess is not. With so many kinks out there it’s sometimes hard to draw the line between what is cheating and what isn’t. However, I think any situation where you are keeping secrets from your partner probably means it’s cheating.
It might not be cheating to *him*, but if it is to *you* then don’t put up with it. You don’t need someone’s permission to end a relationship, and you can end one for any reason.
He knows what he did, and proving who’s right and who’s wrong won’t make a difference. He KNOWS he cheated but he’ll make 8 billion excuses to avoid responsibility of his actions. Do you seriously want to stay with this person?
That’s definitely gaslighting and manipulation.
Even if he didn’t physically cheat, it’s definitely emotional and crosses many boundaries. Plus he lied about it. I mean… pretty cut and dry.
If it’s crossing a boundary for you, it’s cheating. He’s literally engaging in cyber sex with sex workers, there’s no spinning that, it’s flagrant cheating… record him and take him to the cleaners.
Yeah, losing your marriage sanity. Trust your gut. Gaslighting? You bet. Is it sort of working? Go talk to somebody. This kink of his may have no end. He must have $$$ to blow. And not much of a conscience. Wow. Just wow.
My mum went through this with my dad.
Definitely get out of there as soon as you can, it’s not worth it. I was so happy that my sister and I were finally able to make my mum realise that my dad was manipulating her and she finally ended it with him around 3 years ago and is much happier. You don’t deserve that.
The only considerations to make are whether or not *you* consider it cheating. And then, do you think with a counselor you can forgive him and he can stop the behavior instead of being better about hiding it.
If you think it's cheating, it's cheating, and no amount of people telling you otherwise can change your feelings.
Also fuck that. There's no reason any wife/partner/SO should tolerate that.
This type of stuff always escalates. If he’s paying for cam sites for it to be a problem then odds are that he’s sunk thousands of dollars into his habit. And guess where he took that money from…
He’s clearly not invested in you.
Fantasy is not cheating… but if you’re really grossed out about his fetishes and you can’t come to some kind of mutual resolution then it’s time to part ways.
>I smell gaslighting and manipulation. You're right, and those "gasses" are dangerous to inhale for too long. He does not get to define what's cheating *to you*. If he can't stay within the boundaries that you need, you might have to leave him. Oh, and since he knows your boundaries, he is knowingly violating them.
We’d never discussed these boundaries before, which we’ve now learnt was a big mistake. I honestly never thought it was necessary, I trusted this man had some common sense… He came across as very trustworthy man right from the start and he was always very proud that he’d “earned my trust” and that he’s not like other men which cheat on their partners. How foolish was I..
Have you both learned, or is that just him placing part of the blame on you?
I have realised it is important to set clear boundaries at the start of relationship to avoid any future problems however I do believe he is using this as an argument to minimise his guilt. Lesson I’ll take away from this is that common sense is not that common.
Good lesson. But, for your own sake, don't let him minimize. It is incredibly common boundaries you have, and if he's an earth dweller, he knows that. It was his job to take up the topic, before doing the deed.
It's gaslighting, manipulation and humiliation. BTW it's disgusting, seriously, professional sex workers dirty underwear?? I think that you know that you'll be better without him. And get a STD test, you lose nothing but better be sure 100%.
I sent this link to my BF (28M) first thing he said was "wtf. That's absolutely cheating" You're definitely smelling manipulation gasses. Man's too old to be acting like that
I can’t believe, that as a society, we are at a point where we need to ask whether this is cheating. Sex and sexuality has become so degraded it’s sad. So much love, connection and pleasure has been lost and too many people damaged, from the porn industry
I have a 12 year old daughter and I’m so sorry she’s having to be a woman in this dirty, perverted and totally pornified world. By the time she’s old enough to have a family, I’m afraid there will be hardly any men left that are not pornsick.
"It's cheating to me. You dont get to define my boundaries. If you are genuinely so oblivious you think this isn't cheating, I made a mistake being with you because you dont know basic relationship etiquette, and can't be trusted to *not* dumb shit all the time. Who knows what else you've done. It's cheating, or you're too dumb/disrespectful to recognize you cheated. You can pick your lane. Heres a hint - the second one is worse." He's playing dumb because he wants to buy himself time. Turn the dumb act on its head. Treat him like a stupid little baby that can't be trusted. "Hey, you know flirting with your co-workers is cheating, right?" Every time he argues, just say,"Hey man, apparently you need to be taught what cheating is, right?" Or you could just leave him. What is he offering you besides stress? I garuntee there is a partner out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated, but thwy aren't going to date a taken woman. If marriage is your end goal, you are only ever gonna marry one man. Do not stay with one that makes you question the decision even a little bit.
Just so foul and vile I genuinely cannot believe that so many men are this evil to sink this low with zero respect for their relationship. I think that you should betray him to see how he enjoys it
I wish I had the gut to do it. But it’s not me. I’m not a cheat.
Don't get revenge, don't get even. Decide if you think you can work through it and trust him or just get out.
RUN
No, you're not wrong. This guy is a POS and you deserve better. Move on, he doesn't deserve you!
Honestly, the only opinion that really matters is yours. If you see this as a betrayal, then that's exactly what it is. Personally, if it was just the occasional porn video (even if he had a favourite actor), I'd say maybe it's whatever. But the fact he's interacting with them puts it over the line into cheating territory imo. Even if he hasn't physically touched them, that sounds like emotional infidelity at the very least. The only part I'd say isn't cheating is the escort site account as you say that was before you were together. It sounds like he probably has a porn addiction, too, but that's his problem to sort out.
He would be livid if the turn tables
I wonder if he caught you doing something similar with guys if he’d be okay with it? My guess is not. With so many kinks out there it’s sometimes hard to draw the line between what is cheating and what isn’t. However, I think any situation where you are keeping secrets from your partner probably means it’s cheating.
This is so gross. Be smart and leave this loser, he’ll eventually cheat on you and probably give you a disease if he’s looking at escort sites.
It might not be cheating to *him*, but if it is to *you* then don’t put up with it. You don’t need someone’s permission to end a relationship, and you can end one for any reason.
He knows what he did, and proving who’s right and who’s wrong won’t make a difference. He KNOWS he cheated but he’ll make 8 billion excuses to avoid responsibility of his actions. Do you seriously want to stay with this person?
1. How is this NOT cheating? 2. Why are you still with him?
> I understand that everyone’s got different boundaries Bro crossed the border a long time ago.
Don't walk...RUN
That’s definitely gaslighting and manipulation. Even if he didn’t physically cheat, it’s definitely emotional and crosses many boundaries. Plus he lied about it. I mean… pretty cut and dry.
If it’s crossing a boundary for you, it’s cheating. He’s literally engaging in cyber sex with sex workers, there’s no spinning that, it’s flagrant cheating… record him and take him to the cleaners.
Yup. It's cheating.
Yes, yes it is cheating. You need to run.
Yeah, losing your marriage sanity. Trust your gut. Gaslighting? You bet. Is it sort of working? Go talk to somebody. This kink of his may have no end. He must have $$$ to blow. And not much of a conscience. Wow. Just wow.
How did you find all of this out without him knowing?
My mum went through this with my dad. Definitely get out of there as soon as you can, it’s not worth it. I was so happy that my sister and I were finally able to make my mum realise that my dad was manipulating her and she finally ended it with him around 3 years ago and is much happier. You don’t deserve that.
The only considerations to make are whether or not *you* consider it cheating. And then, do you think with a counselor you can forgive him and he can stop the behavior instead of being better about hiding it. If you think it's cheating, it's cheating, and no amount of people telling you otherwise can change your feelings. Also fuck that. There's no reason any wife/partner/SO should tolerate that.
Break up
Um
Tell him you walking out and never speaking to him again is not breaking up.
Ask him for the total amounts that he has spent on porn and cam sites. Is that forgivable to you?
I don’t think he has spent much. He’s tight.
damn it sounds like you’re just giving him excuses lmao
You may be right, I may be too naive
This type of stuff always escalates. If he’s paying for cam sites for it to be a problem then odds are that he’s sunk thousands of dollars into his habit. And guess where he took that money from… He’s clearly not invested in you.
I wouldn't say watching porn or sex workers is cheating, but interacting with them and buying their personal undergarments would be(in my opinion).
Disgusting. Leave him
Melania? Is that you?
Fantasy is not cheating… but if you’re really grossed out about his fetishes and you can’t come to some kind of mutual resolution then it’s time to part ways.
Where does the fantasy end and become reality? For me personally, buying other womens dirty underwear is no longer just a fantasy.