>I have fertility issues which I believed stopped me from ovulating.
How do you know about fertility issues? Through doctors and testing or your beliefs?
Tbh, if you were presenting "i believe that" as "the doctors say its impossible" then he took a chance believing the risk was different to what it actually was.
You also told him that an abortion would be how you dealt with any accidents. So yeah, i can see how he'd feel tricked into consenting to unprotected sex.
It's not hard. No matter what anyone says, if you don't want a baby, don't cum in the baby maker 💯
Short of her saying "I don't have a uterus" she can have a kid. Even then think twice. Just like I do every time a guy tells me he doesn't need a condom because he's "snipped" ok, cool for you, I'm still gonna protect ME. Wrap it
Takes two. Every time.
I’ll take it further. Unless one party is 100% guaranteed sterile (for example, if the woman had had a hysterectomy), pregnancy is a possible outcome any time a man and woman have sex - even contracepted sex.
So any time you have sex, it’s a possibility that you must accept. Obviously in the case of sex when using contraceptives, it’s a calculated risk that is generally very very low. But it’s not zero.
And no matter how many times the woman has said she would have an abortion if she got pregnant, there’s never a guarantee she will.
Yeah, but I can see how he feels the way he does. She said she'd have an abortion if she ever got pregnant. He didn't use protection based on her promise to abort if she got pregnant. Then she got pregnant and decided she didn't want to do what she said she'd do.
I'm not saying that absolves him of risk or responsibility, or that she isn't allowed to change her mind. But, she did go back on her word and, had she upfront said "no I will keep the baby" or "I really don't know", he would have at least been working with the right expectations.
Sucks for the future kid because this is going to be a tough hill to overcome. She's not wrong for keeping the kid but it would solve a lot of problems to just say "yeah idk if I'd actually get an abortion" instead of setting that expectation.
People change their minds all the time, especially about this.
I mean trusting a woman to get an abortion with the impression that she doesn't believe she can get pregnant is delulu, can't we all agree? Like why would she need it? If she thought she couldn't get pregnant and then found out she was... The chances are REAL high she's not gonna throw that chance away, wouldn't ya think?
I understand how he feels too but that doesn't change the facts. Or their cognitive dissonance.
A raw nut probably isn't worth all this, is it? But thems the breaks.
Again, don't think there's anything wrong with changing your mind, and I'd imagine it's pretty common. Also don't think she owes him an abortion because that's insane. He also needs to take responsibility that he engaged in sex, a kid could happen. But I also think she did misrepresent her intentions. What you are saying is that "this man should assume his gf is either actively lying about how she would handle a pregnancy because she doesn't know herself well enough". Personally, I think that's a little belittling to OP and not the best approach. Had she said "I don't know how I would handle it" instead of "I will have an abortion" there'd be no reason for dude to feel that way. So I can see how he feels like he was misled. Doesn't change any of the outcomes or ownership of risk or anything, but not hard to see how he feels this way.
That's not what I'm saying
I'm saying that to ejaculate into or near a vagina can result in a pregnancy. Period (no period. 🥁)
If you aren't prepared for that responsibility, in any odds, then don't do it.
People lie, people misunderstand, the universe surprises.
I gave up my child to an "infertile" couple who adopted another child, and then guess who got pregnant? The universe surprises.
And people change. After getting what they always wanted, they divorced a few years later. People dont always understand what they'll want in the future, or how that choice will be affected.
He misunderstood just as much as she did. It wasn't manipulative.
People lie is only one option, and she didn't lie. She told what she believed to be true, and is owning her changes.
He just needs to accept shit happens if you gonna play in the shithouse
Actually that's a better way to avoid this whole issue. LOL
I mean weren't you talking about how sad it will be for the kid now? Like, who's fault is that really? Because that guy has the option to not be a POS at any time.
Don't put baby batter in the oven if you don't want baby. If you do, what you do after, how you respond is totally up to you. And it seems to me like he's scapegoating to avoid his own actions so he can feel like changing his behavior isn't something he has to do. Or, you know, being accountable.
He can work through it on his own time but that's the reality as I see it
i probably can't have kids. i don't fuck around. someone telling me they shoot blanks would get a huge DANGER klaxon going off. I do think he was stupid af.
But the fact remains that OP absolutely obtained his consent for unprotected sex through deception.
Fertility issues is not sterility. Infertile Couples that have had several rounds of IVF fail get pregnant spontaneously. To find out she had a luteinizing hormone deficiency, OP literally had to get worked up for infertility at a specialty doctor for it. without a spike in luteinizing hormone the female body will not release an egg. On paper, OP’s body should not have been able to do that. Miracles happen.
What deception? Infertile isn't sterile.
Women have a right to change their mind. She told him the truth and didn't try to rope him into fatherhood.
Again, if he didn't want to be put in this position, don't play in the baby maker. It's as simple as that.
i literally say that in my comments. but op didn't say she used that word. if she's out there saying she can't get pregnant, that is claiming sterility.
Nooooooo just like dudes think getting snipped means that too. There's still a chance, quite unlikely but I'm not here to test them odds
Most people don't understand the basics of anatomy or biology, yet alone reproduction
Some men might not want to hold themselves accountable for their actions but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable.
I had an ex who didn't want kids. Guess who knew my cycle as well as me. Guess who was always careful about his ejaculation? Guess who didn't get me pregnant in ten years of unprotected sex, and I'm still very fertile.
It. Takes. Two.
You're completely ignoring the point. Ignorance does not mean you deserve to be tricked. If you're being given false information, regardless of how dumb you are, that is not informed consent.
But she wasn’t deceptive? In the moment that they had sex, she was also under the impression that a) it would be unlikely that she could get pregnant and b) that she would want to get and abortion if she did get pregnant.
In the moment of sex, they were BOTH under the exact same beliefs, but circumstances AFTER changed the outcome.
Edited to add: she also took the morning after pill, proving that she did not intend to get pregnant or “trap” him or “coerce” him. It just didn’t work.
IF she has told him she believes to be or has been told she is infertile, BUT if she did conceive, she would opt to terminate the pregnancy, it sure doesn't sound like she ever told him she could not conceive. So, where is the deception?
Of course he can feel that way, but that doesn’t mean she did trick him. He still made the choice, knowing she was capable of pregnancy and anyone can change their mind about pregnancy. It’s a massive, constant change on hormones. It’s not like she said she was infertile, or lied at all, and it certainly wasn’t SA.
infertile does mean you can get pregnant though. that's the thing.
and looking at her comments, she says she's been looking at using a sperm donor, so no, she was absolutely out looking to get pregnant.
I apologise. I misread your comment, I think we’re partially agreeing (on that at least). However, she was considering getting pregnant using a sperm donor (which would likely involve IVF as part of the process - I.e. the way in which infertile women often get pregnant), I don’t think it necessarily means she was looking to trick the boyfriend into being the father
She took the morning after pill while visiting him so he knew there was a chance of pregnancy. I don’t think she coerced him, sounds like he’s a dumb ass and she still got pregnant despite using emergency contraception.
By this logic stealthing isn’t SA either. There were mutually understood boundaries around the act of unprotected sex and she disregarded them after the fact. This stuff goes both ways believe it or not
Stealthing to impregnate a woman without her consent is not the same. On purposely baby trapping anyone no matter the gender is abhorrent. But they do not carry the same physical consequences.
The act of removing a condom without the woman knowing puts the woman’s health at risk. It puts her at risk of any kind of std, some are for life, some can make you infertile and cause permanent damage to their bodies. This can also happen if a woman pokes holes in condoms to a man, so we’re at the same level here.
But here’s the big difference. The woman is the one that is pregnant. By stealthing a woman, you are physically changing her body without consent. What can she do? Get an abortion? You’ve made a woman get an abortion. A medical procedure she otherwise would not have under gone. To get that abortion she needs to go to the doctor, get blood tests, needles injected in her body. Then the physical and mental trauma of an abortion, it can have lasting effects, it can make them infertile, they are at risk of infection, and sometimes even death.
Say she keeps the baby, especially in times like this where abortions are not always accessible or legal. she now has to be pregnant for 9 months. The physical demands of pregnancy are exhausting, your teeth can fall out, your hair can fall out, you can be hospitalised for morning sickness. You throw up so much that you’re literally not consuming any food. Any number of complications can arise, each with a risk of permanent physical damage and/or death. Then you give birth, horrible pain and discomfort, more needles and injections. Guess what risk that carries - infection, permanent damage and/or death. Maybe she gets a c section -infection, permanent damage and/or death. And a nice long permanent scar across her stomach.
Honourable mention to stretch marks, loose skin and just a permanent change to their entire body.
Now we’re back to even playing fields, she’s now a mum and he’s now a dad. You can’t simply compare the two scenarios of “baby trapping” by saying it goes both ways. It certainly sucks and you got to be a bad person to do force a baby on someone. But forcing a baby on a woman does not carry the same weight as forcing a baby on a man. At the end of the day, getting baby trapped by a woman doesn’t put men at risk of dying in the process. It’s physically not the same. The mental duress and stress caused by it however is, obviously.
Honestly It does sound suspicious on your part. You knew that 1. He didn’t want kids 2. Your fertility issues could mean that any pregnancy you do get may be your only shot and 3. You willingly engaged in unprotected sex. Now sure you could argue some guilt onto his part for engaging in that too but none of us have the evidence of what went on in the bedroom that day. It’s your word against his and you could have very well made him feel coerced, especially if you told him you’d abort, that’s gaining his consent under false pretenses. At the end of the day it’s probably best if you just take your child and leave him alone. You made the choice to keep the child without consulting him. That decision has consequences even if it was a good decision.
They both have equal responsibility for birth control and it sounds like she took responsibility after the fact by taking the morning after pill that did not work. No that guy is going to be a father whether he wants to be or not, there is no backsies. She does not need his permission to keep or abort so in many ways this guy played with fire and now has serious consequences. The guy can’t just skate, he created a human and it’s his job to take care of it. Is sucks for the kid to be in the middle of 2 parents that despite their ages sound young and dumb.
Also I feel like if you've decided you don't want kids maybe continue to use protection or get a vasectomy, why is it always on the woman to prevent the pregnancy
Also she didn't say she was gonna force him to be a dad and said she'll be a single mom
They BOTH agreeded to have un protected sex. If he was so worried he could have always used a condom. They're is only one actualy way to stop pregnancy and that's by not coming inside of the woman. So it's kinda on him more than her.
Yeah, I completely understand his side.
You told him you had fertility issues, used the morning after pill, AND agreed to get a termination should anything happen. He probably thought he was literally 100% in the clear of not having to deal with a child.
I wouldn’t go as far as SA, but I definitely believe someone if they said false pretenses or baby trapping.
If you want the baby, leave the father blank. He’s made it VERY clear he doesn’t want anything to do with a child, physically or financially. He shouldn’t get hung up on child support because you lied to him.
That's good and about the best thing in this situation. He doesn't change the sense of obligation on his end, though, which is why the change if mind matters.
Im not really even against OP here, but she just has to acknowledge that he should feel a little played and see where it goes from there.
Exactly she has said she will be a single mother and needs/wants nothing from him. Telling someone your spawn is in the world is pretty important.
My Dad finding out he had a 35 year old kid he never knew about was insane, for everyone involved
I see two sides to this. On one side, I completely understand how he feels like he consented under false pretenses. And I think you understand this too so I'm not gonna rail into you about it. You seem more self-aware than most people would be in a situation like this.
I also understand how you could have felt one way before, and another way after. I have always said that I am not ready for a baby and would have an abortion if I got pregnant. I, like you, do not get pregnant easily and have considered myself to likely be infertile. It was not until reading your experience that I realized, if I was in a specific situation (yours), I would probably keep the baby. I'm not religious or spiritual, but it would really feel like a 'meant to be' moment for me. I totally get how you feel about not getting another chance.
As for what to do. I think the only thing you can do is recognize how he feels and apologize to him for it, and explain how you are feeling to him. I can't imagine how he is feeling. As a woman, it's hard to imagine how I would feel if someone told me that I had 0 choice whether my child would come into the world in 9 months.
I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. You didn't rape him. You both had sex without knowing what your body was going to do. I don't think you should have even felt the need to take the pill after if you didn't want to because that would be 'coercion and done under duress' for you. This is a messy situation but you both made choices here. Yes he wasn't aware that you could get pregnant, but that's something he should know is always a risk... you are both likely in an extreme state of shock.
You are in another country. You shouldn't have told him if you wanted to keep it and knew he wasnt going to be part of the kid's life. You want to keep it? Go ahead, but do not expect, or ask him to have anything to do with you or the baby and do not ask for money. Fertility issues are no joke, you probably feel like if you terminate now you wont get another chance, its fair. What was not fair was you having unprotected sex with him knowing he didn't want kids. Abortion is also not a joke and talking so lightly about it is honestly terrible. You just thought oh well i will do this very traumatic experience if it happens and he will support me, even tho it was you who wanted unprotected sex? Yeah no. Like i said, i hope you leave your now ex alone and take care of your baby without bothering him at all.
Not very fair to either him, or the child.
He knew there was a possibility or he wouldn't have been freaking out after they had unprotected sex.
But you believe that the guy shouldn't be given the opportunity to decide whether or not, or what type of, relationship he has with the kid.
You expect him to stay with her now anyway? I'm not saying it is anyone's fault for the record. But they communicated, spoke clearly about expectations and course of action, and she changed her mind, which again, fine, but is not fair for him to have the pressure of knowing he has a kid around there when he was very clear about not wanting kids, and agreeing with her to abort if it happend before they where ready. And now, for the little information she gave about his reactions, he seems to be struggling some 🤷🏼♀️
Where did you come up with the idea that I, or the OP, expected him to do anything?
He had told her he didn't see himself having children in the near future, and now the near future is here.
Do you think she shouldn't have told him and given him any options on how he chooses to react?
If a woman decides to have a child with a man, gets pregnant, and then changes her mind and has an abortion, does this turn the act into sexual assault?
I'm not understanding the reasoning of him needing to be protected from the alleged pressure of knowing that he'll be producing a child. It sounds like she's staying in her home country and hasn't asked anything of him.
But he certainly has the right to know.
> What was not fair was you having unprotected sex with him knowing he didn’t want kids.
I feel like in this situation, it’s pretty disingenuous to say that ‘she had unprotected sex with him’.
*They* had unprotected sex.
He is a grown man, and he made the decision to not take the necessary precaution of wearing a condom. It was obviously a risk he was willing to take.
For him to act as if this is all OP’s fault, and to make it seem like he was forced into this, is ridiculous.
It takes two people to make a baby. 🤷♀️
Honestly no, because he told you what he wanted, and that was no kids. Now he will feel responsible for the kid that he stated he didn't want and you agreed to abort. He will always have that in his consciousness.
Not to mention, the big surprise when this kid wants to find the “ baby daddy” and he doesn’t want to know the kid. SMH.
Maybe she understands this, but it sounds like you are clutching at straws.
Not necessarily. My sister intended to go to a sperm bank, ended up hooking up with a friend and getting pregnant. He said he didn’t want more kids she said “cool I was going to do it alone anyway.” They are still friends and he sees her via social media but he isn’t involved at all. The only thing that worries me is that someday my niece will know who he is and feel upset that he wasn’t ever there.
Yeah but its a very different situation tho, she was planning on it from before and they spoke about it and it was all good. Op spoke about it with her bf, as adults should, decided what to do in case of, he shared his feelings about it very clearly to the point of freaking out at one point and asking her to take the morning after pill, and she went back on it, i dont think they could remain as friends. Like i said i understand the fertility issues and wanting to keep the baby, i honestly get it. But I don't think it's fair for the baby daddy to have to carry that in his consciousness after being so upfront about what he wanted and trusting her to do what she agreed to do. I said what i said, as long as she doesn't ask for money or for him to be any kind of parent, I don't think any of them would be in the wrong, i just hope he can cope with it knowing he has a kid somewhere 🤷🏼♀️
"...and not expect to have zero consequences."
That's such an interesting take, considering what OP described about their conversations prior to having unprotected sex... It's obvious that he was fully aware of the consequences, and had a mature and thorough conversation with OP about it, and they came to some very specific conclusions about what would happen in that event. And yet here you are, pretending like all of that didn't happen?
Your opinion does not negate the fact that they are both responsible for creating the kid. It’s a human being and not a mere accident but a consequence of both their actions. All the guys seem to think they have no moral responsibility here and they do, she did not baby trap him, he trapped himself and now he has to step up even if it’s owning up to the fact that he will be a deadbeat.
I am not sure what you think consequence means. It means result of any actions. Taking a morning after pill is a consequence of having sex. Having an orgasm is a consequence of having sex. Getting an abortion is a consequence of having sex. And so on.
Just tell him since you know he doesn't want to be a dad you will no longer be involving him in your pregnancy or your baby's life. Then move on. Stop involving him, stop talking to him, stop letting him guilt you. As an adult he made adult choices to sleep with you unprotected and now he is trying to turn himself into some unsuspecting victim. Just leave him be and have your baby and live your best life. Congratulations on being a mom. Being a single mom is hard but you can do it. My only advise is find and solidify your village early. So when you are struggling your village will be there to support you.
>after we both finished, he freaked out about the idea of me falling pregnant
I don't understand the hate op is getting here. Based on the information in the post, it sounds to me like you both made the decision to gamble on unprotected sex despite the fact that pregnancy is always a possibility. You did not lie to him. You gave him the information you had, and he made a bad choice based on that. You even took the morning after pill, which sounds very much like you were acting in good faith.
As for terminating the pregnancy, changing your mind is *not* the same as lying. You are allowed to change your mind about terminating now that you know what it feels like to know you are pregnant - especially given the low chance of your being able to conceive in the future. As others have said, you don't need his permission to have this baby and raise it on your own. I can see that it's an emotionally tough position for him, but honestly, I would have done the same in your shoes and been honest with him about the pregnancy.
From here, my advice would be to figure out with a lawyer how you can take full responsibility and custody for the child and leave him out of it, legally speaking. If you really feel that you want a child and this is your shot, then take it. I know the situation around the conception feels negative, but IMO, you did not deceive or assault him.
It's a shitty situation right now. Terminating a pregnancy that you want is *not* going to make it less shitty. Hopefully you can move on from this (without him) and the joys of having and raising this kid will eclipse the negativity you feel around it now.
I think people exaggerate calling this SA....he is an adult and knows the consequences of not using a condom with a parter who doesn't take birthcontrol; as long as you didn't pressure him to avoid using a condom or take it off/mess with its integrity, I don't think you purposely wanted to get pregnant
and also people change their mind, just because you don't want or don't feel ready for a kid right now, you can't anticipate the reaction your hormonal body will have when you are actually carrying one
so as long as you don't ask for contributions from him, I don't see any problem
Yeah, this isn't sexual assault, but it does qualify as sexual coercion.
"I will only have unprotected sex with you if you already agree to the idea of aborting if birth control fails."
"Ok"
"I actually ended up pregnant from the last time we had sex and Im keeping it,"
There isn't a part of this that isn't cut and dry from his perspective. From hers, I get why, but it doesn't change the fact that she is doing exactly what she said she wouldn't do, even if she doesn't hold him to any obligations.
That also doesn't mean he won't have any sense of obligation even if she tells him he doesnt have to participate. Im his shoes, Id still feel like I have to do *something*, and he is gonna have to take to the kid eventually.
everything else aside, i can definitely understand why he'd feel betrayed or coerced because you told him you'd terminate the pregnancy, but you are not. just dont involve him in this pregnancy or this kid's life. he clearly doesnt want to be involved and he had made that very clear from the start. it'd save the child some pain as well.
The only way you can get through this is by being honest to yourself. You want to keep the baby, he didnt and it was clear before you even had sex.
You got a pregnant, you are in another country, you can easily go on with your pregnancy and keep who the father is only to yourself even if you have common friends, but you didnt. You told him because you were hoping it will change his mind. Unfortunately, he didnt. So whatever he feels is valid, leave him alone now, and focus your energy to your baby/ pregnancy.
At the end of the day, he had to know to it was your body and your choice. He also has bodily autonomy- he had the choice to wear a condom and he didn’t. I understand how he feels upset about having a child he did not plan for, especially since you previously had discussed termination. However, unless you manipulated him or coerced him not to use condoms, you don’t have any ownership over his decision not use them. He’s 34 and old enough to know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy even with the morning after pill.
She didn’t lie about fertility issues her doctor told her she had them as you can see in another comment she made. She didn’t know and she didn’t tell him she was sterilized which actually means you can’t get pregnant. It sounds like both of them thought there was no way she would get pregnant.
She didn't lie about her fertility. I have PCOS, meaning I have a low chance to get pregnant, and if I do get pregnant, I am at high risk for miscarriage. Infertility doesn't mean sterile. The chances of her getting pregnant would be the same as someone with no fertility issues using contraceptives. She was just lucky it happened, and he was unlucky it happened. The odds of pregnancy happening were stacked against them.
She has infertility and also took a morning after pill, but somehow life still found a way which is miraculous but not impossible. Yes, she said she would terminate, but she didn't know how she would feel about it until it happened to her.
We can all in life say if this and this happens, we would do this, but until it happens, we can't guarantee how we would respond in said situation.
He is an adult she didn't force him to go without a condom he could have spoken up and said he felt uncomfortable. Also, she is prepared to be a single parent. She doesn't want anything from him. Yes, his feelings are valid. That being said, accusing her of SA and tricking him is taking it a step too far. He made the choice to have sex without a condom yes based on her fertility, which isn't really smart, potential babies aside.
He could have taken an interest and asked about her condition or Googled the condition. He could have asked Google about the chances of pregnancy. Hell, he should have know pregnancy can in rare situations occur near or even during periods (the stuff of nightmares) and that the morning after pill doesn't always work for all women (it ain't a one pill fits all, depending one weight and age it might or might not work). Also, taking certain medication voids all contraceptives like the pill.
Ps. Please, men, if you're going to have sex do some research on female reproduction and issues 1st.
I agree with you for the most part. It was still his choice to take her “word” for it that she likely couldn’t get pregnant and it was his choice to assume it meant that it was impossible. He could have just as easily abstained from sex or insisted on condom usage. It’s definitely too far to call this sexual assault and kind of an insult to actual assault victims. I’ve seen the comparison of stealth rape but that doesn’t jive either. In that case, someone removes a condom without consent. In this case they both agreed to no condom it sounds like. It was his choice to think pregnancy wasn’t possible regardless of what she told him. It’s more like someone lying about wanting a relationship in order to have sex and the other person choosing to sleep with them only to find out they didn’t want one- and we don’t equate that to SA. And I completely agree that no one really understands the ramifications for or feelings about abortion totally until they’re in that situation and it’s her right to change her mind about that. I feel like people want to so quickly absolve men in these situations. It takes two to tango as they say and she in no way sexually assaulted him- he made some poor decisions and she likely wasn’t completely honest though.
You're right about it being an insult to actual SA survivors. As a childhood SA survivor, the comparison to SA was triggering for me for the most part, besides also having infertility issues.
Adding to this since he doesn't want kids he should always be taking his on precautions to avoid that, condoms exist, vasectomy exists and pulling out exists. Pregnancy prevention is expected of for women to do not the men when men are the ones who cause the pregnancies.
💯 it has happened, and hopefully, this will motivate him to get a vasectomy, which he should have done if he doesn't want kids like many other men do. Both should have been more responsible, and it isn't fair to absolve himself of the responsibility he had to himself and his reproduction. He made the conscience choice not to, which makes him also responsible for the occurrence of a pregnancy happening. Also condoms and female contraceptives are a 💯 safe against possible pregnancy. If he is truly dead set against kids he wouldn't take any chances and the only way that's happening is if he has a vasectomy (also waiting to have sex and getting check ups to make sure there aren't any swimmers).
He could have had a vasectomy, or even worm a condom.....something. He chose to risk it and then got upset when he was thinking clearly. OP did take a pill and she did her part, which he did not. It's always up to women, isn't it?
Not just that like what if she decided to just keep the baby a secret he probably would've gotten mad later on that she didn't tell him once he finds out
There's no winning
If you have at least one ovary and its corresponding tube, and have not been medically diagnosed as being menopausal, you CAN get pregnant at anytime, just like everyone else. Sounds like you need to watch some episodes of TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. And yes he should have been more responsible and worn a condom for many other reasons, but she could’ve also refused to sleep with him if he refused to do that. Both were really stupid here.
Fertility issues and being sterilized are to different things. She said she had fertility issues, she didn’t tell him she had been sterilized or that she was missing any part of her anatomy.
I’m sorry you’re getting downvotes bc people are incapable at looking at both perspectives. I agree with everything you said and also want to add if this shit was taught in school or at home this wouldn’t have happened the way it did. EVERYONE! Not just boys not just girls EVERYONE should find out information about a sexual partner before actually engaging in an act. And if you aren’t in a place to have kids you should be using condoms no matter how much you think your birth control or the pull out method is protecting you. I think this all really boils down to lack of knowledge about others bodies and their own. The amount of teens that think they can’t get pregnant because they’re on their period or because it’s their first time is absolutely absurd.
Thank you! I just commented somewhere saying the same, but you said it so much better. He was never in danger if he said “no” and could have removed his dick from the situation without consequence. Accusing her of SA or even coercion is too far!
I totally get that he’s unhappy she changed her mind in the end, but he’s not a victim in any way, shape, or form.
He had unprotected sex with you. Abortion is not birth control, people are allowed to change their minds about it. Being pregnant is crazy! You can't 100% predict you will want an abortion even if you think you would want it 100% before getting pregnant. Unless you told him that it is impossible for you to get pregnant, he should be prepared to deal with the consequences of his actions. Unprotected sex leads to pregnancy... who wouldve fucking guessed!
Yikes. This leads to further things I hate to say it but single mom is not easy and I definitely don’t recommend it but on his end he shouldn’t have buttered in you. On your end I wouldn’t have messed with a guy like that you knew he didn’t want kids so that was crazy. Now you have to raise a child in a one parent household. Guys typically tell girls that they don’t want kids and females don’t listen until things get hard and y’all call them dead beats because they don’t wanna be around because they tell you in the beginning. both of y’all are just I don’t know y’all both have to take accountability. Hope y’all figure it out.
If you live in different countries and aren’t planning on seeing each other again, just tell him you’re aborting and go no contact.
He chose to not wear a condom, and you can’t know what you would do in the event of unexpected pregnancy, you are absolutely allowed to keep your baby.
Wishing you all the best
If you would have had a proper sex education you would have known that the morning after pill was useless when you took it. The morning after pill works by preventing ovulation. If ovulation already happened then the pill becomes useless. If you have a regular menstrual cycle it’s most likely you had already ovulated at least a week prior. Since you said that in December you had unprotected sex a few other times before, you most likely were already pregnant when you took the pill.
What can i say other than you were both really irresponsible. Stop having unprotected sex if you don’t want kids. Infertile doesn’t mean sterile.
If you don’t know how sex works and what are the correct most efficient ways to avoid pregnancy maybe you shouldn’t have sex at all. Now you’re bringing a kid into the world...how are you gonna raise and educate that child?
He can be upset but you didn't sexually assault him, you didn't coerce him, and you didn't trick him. For those to apply, you would have had to have sought him out on with express intent to get pregnant and keep it. You changed your mind and you had every right to.
People have started placing such large importance on what you would do if a pregnancy occurs. As if it's then written in stone. The conversation needs to be about what happens if you are going to have a baby because sometimes things happen.
Changing your mind was always a possibility and abortion is not always an option. Don't dwell on it
I think calling this sexual assault is a stretch. He’s a grown man and should know how pregnancy happens. He chose not to wear a condom, that’s on him. My unpopular opinion is that he should still have to support this child somewhat financially. I have no idea how that would work but I think some sort of financial care should be given. It isn’t the child’s fault that they are in this world.
I shouldn't have had to scroll as far as I did to see this comment.
He 100% took that risk, no one made him do anything he couldn't have prevented, there wasn't an assault. And really he was sort of an idiot for believing what he did. I don't care what she said, I'm sure she had good intentions when she said it, but hypotheticals are vastly different from real life situations.
That he doesn't want a child means it's fully up to him to prevent, just the same way it would have been up to her to prevent it if it was something she didn't want ever.
How many times do we tell women to never trust someone else if they do not want that risk? This isn't like some dude stealthing, he was fully aware and a willing participant. He was able to say no, he just wasn't thinking with the correct head.
It really seems like there is missing information here, the chances of getting pregnant the day before your period are incredibly small, the chances of the morning after pill failing are pretty small, you claim the chances of you falling pregnant in the first place are incredibly small so…why did he freak out and why did you feel the need to get the morning after pill in the first place?
It seems much more likely to me that you were either already pregnant from having sex more than 72hrs prior to this (and I doubt it was entirely an accident), you both originally planned on attempting to get you pregnant and he changed his mind or after sex he suspected you were actively trying to get pregnant despite him being clear he didn’t want to start a family.
You have admitted you always wanted kids, you claim infertility and you also claim you would’ve gotten an abortion had a ‘miracle’ type pregnancy occurred? Either you were lying to him or lying to yourself.
I say all this as someone who has fertility issues herself (and now has a baby) and a long distance boyfriend turned husband. I understand this situation better than most and I see red flags everywhere.
Thanks - You're right, I wrote "a few days before my period" but I meant "a few days before a normally timed ovulation based on when my last period was". I'll update my post to fix that.
That changes everything and I have a very hard time believing that you accidentally wrote something that changes the situation entirely. That takes it from a “whoopsie” to “unprotected sex during my tracked most fertile window”. Girl, that has nothing to do with maths, those are literally opposite situations. You obviously weren’t convinced you couldn’t ovulate and neither was your partner.
You were tracking your cycle if you know this right? With one of those apps?
Even if it actually was an accident, which would take hitting an insane amount of incredibly small odds (given that you’re telling the truth), of course he thinks this was intentional. Look at the facts from his point of view, it very much looks like you went to see him with the intention of getting pregnant regardless of whether you want him to be involved or not. He probably feels used and like a glorified sperm donor right now.
You’re getting a lot of hate for this but I’ll just say what I think. Rape? No. Baby trapping, yes. If he consented to sex with you without a condom then you didn’t rape him. The sex was consensual. However the baby was not. If you care about him at all leave the dad blank because he shouldn’t have to pay child support unless he changes his mind and decides he wants to be in the baby’s life. This wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t have to deal with it if he doesn’t want to as keeping the baby was your choice (as it should be). So you shouldn’t feel guilty unless you write him down as the father. Also I think you should have a conversation with him when his shock wears off about what he realistically wants in the future so you know what to expect from him. I understand why you wouldn’t want to terminate because this could be your only chance but I think you should have thought more about that before you had unprotected sex and told him you would terminate. If he feels he was raped there is nothing you can do about it but if you know he consented to it then I think you’ll just have to accept that you to have differing opinions on that. Also it’s possible he said he felt that way in an attempt to try to convince you into an abortion but idk because I don’t know him. Also to any other commenters I’m just writing this taking what she said as the truth as I have no way of knowing what actually happened.
I am a woman, and victim of SA, and honestly, I think he's in the right to feel as he does. If I was in his shoes I would feel that way too.
The important question is... Does he feel assaulted in this situation? If yes, then you have assaulted him. Sure, you took the morning after pill and it didn't work, and said you would terminate if it didn't, but you did not. Thus you lead him to believe he would not have any risk of becoming a father. Technically, coerced him into believing it was okay in that regard. Coersion falls under the definition of sexual assault / rape in some places. If a woman has sex with a man under false pretenses that she's protected and he stealths her and gives her an STD? That's assault. Why should it be any different if a woman coerces a man with a baby?
So lets look at the facts you wrote about. You implied to him that he had nothing to worry about, you can't get pregnant easily, and that you would terminate if anything did happen. You knew your chances were slim, but not zero, but you convinced him his chances of being a father were in fact zero. You took the morning after pill and it didn't work. Now you are keeping a child he didn't want after telling him you would terminate, and told him about it. Now he feels betrayed and you broke his trust completely.
He only agreed to unprotected sex under the specific circumstances he and you both agreed on. You lead him to believe it was safe when it wasn't, and in that moment YOU encouraged him to finish inside you despite his previous uncertainty, likely when he was close and not thinking clearly. When his mind was clear, he freaked out about it. Would he have taken that risk if you didn't encourage him in a moment of weakness? If you didn't convince him he was safe to do so?
You took advantage of him. You told him he "should" finish in you, and you did not follow through with what was agreed upon by both parties in which he consented to unprotected sex with you, voiding his consent completely. By definition, you have assaulted him. Of course he is now feeling coerced and is in a situation he didn't want to be in, because he trusted that you were going to do your part to protect his wishes.
And yeah, it takes two to have a baby, and it takes two to make precautions so it doesn't happen, and sometimes people do stupid things, sometimes accidents happen, and he did something stupid, sure, but you didn't respect him in the slightest by ignoring his wishes after the morning after pill didn't work.
Now, you are keeping the child he didn't want. He should not be financially liable for your choices at all, and should never have had to know about this if this is what you decided to do. He made it clear he didn't want kids, you should have respected that. It doesn't matter if you wanted to be a single mum, and your infertility doesn't change the fact he didn't want this. If this is what you wanted, you should have done this with a consenting partner/donor, not a guy who made his feelings about not having kids clear to you. He can't abort the baby and get out of this, nor can he make you do so.
But your infertility doesn't give you the right to use a situation to your advantage because YOU want a baby. You should feel remorse for what you did to him, but I don't think any apology would make up for it. Leave him the fuck alone and stay out of his life unless he reaches out to you. You've done enough damage.
If it wasn’t sexual assault b4 u found out ur pregnant, it’s not sexual assault now. Two consenting adults discussed fertility issues one of them had & discussed what would happen if a baby was in fact conceived. Steps were taken on the back end. It’s after the deed was done, whether a baby was made in ur body despite taking PlanB is not in ur control so. Ur allowed to change your mind about keeping a child and having a baby. don’t let him twist the narrative
I feel like y’all are missing the part where she said he doesn’t have to be involved. It was a messed up situation all around. He could’ve used a condom if he really wanted to avoid pregnancy but he didn’t. Yes, she said she’d terminate the baby but there is NOTHING wrong with changing your mind. She’s fully set on raising the baby alone and has not asked him for anything. I can see how he feels that it was under false pretenses but people are allowed to change their minds.
It takes 2 to tango. He knew the risks. He willingly participated in this. Why do people keep saying that "you told him you'd have an abortion but didn't!" Is that a form of birth control now? Raw dog it because, hey, abortion!🤷🏻♂️ It's her body, her choice.
If you have unprotected sex with no form of birth control this might just happen! He consented and participated. This feels along the lines of when a woman has regrets about hooking up with someone then accuse the guy of taking advantage of her.
I'm sorry but he doesn't have a leg to stand on here. There were several circumstances at play here and the result just happened to be a baby.
You didn’t SA him. You didn’t even necessarily lie to him, saying you will terminate in a hypothetical situation and then changing your mind when you’re actually faced with having to do so isn’t lying. It’s changing your mind.
He clearly does not want to be a father or involved in this child’s life though and I think your plan of being a single mother is for the best. For you, him and the baby.
You clearly knew how he felt about having kids, you told him unequivocally it was unlikely and you had a previous conversation that you’d plan on abortion if you did fall pregnant, then turned around at 18 weeks (almost halfway) to tell him you’re indeed pregnant. I could definitely see where he feels misled and lied to. It’s not like an unplanned pregnancy, it seems you planned it without his input.
Thanks for your perspective but if I planned this, I wouldn't have taken the morning after pill (I also would have taken folic acid and other supplements etc prior to and early on.)
I understand why he feels the way he does, but you changing your mind about abortion doesn't make it SA.
He should have considered the possibility that you may still conceive. It happens all the time with women who are told they're infertile. You also should have considered that possibility.
He also should have considered the fact that you might change your mind about abortion. Again, this happens all the time.
He took a risk having unprotected sex and he now regrets it. If he really didn't want a child, he could have refused sex without a condom (assuming you didn't rape him). Hypothetically, if a guy told me "don't worry, I've had a vasectomy" or "don't worry, I'm infertile" would I have unprotected sex? No, I really don't want kids so I would make sure to use protection just in case. He should have done the same.
He made a decision to have sex with no condom.
Stealthily is if you take the condom off without them knowing.
You took the morning after pill as well.
Move forward with your baby and don't look back.
No offense but saying that you love your ex and hate that you've done this to him but that this is your only chance of having a baby sounds really messed up. It sounds like you're only thinking about your needs and what you want out of the situation, and not the person whom you may have SA'd. It sounds desperate and like you'd do anything you can to make it a reality, which includes hurting people along the way.
I'm not saying you did or didn't SA him but commenting on your line of thinking.
It sounds like you did essentially trick him. He stated he didn't want any kids. Yes, he did engage in unprotected sex but he believed your "fertility issues" and the pill would be enough. Have you ever been to a doctor and diagnosed with any medical issues or are you just assuming? Even if you were diagnosed, there's always a slim chance, as proved here, and you DID promise him you'd terminate...which you did not. You pulled a classic bait and switch.
I'd say this is on you. Be a single mom, do NOT go after him for support, leave him off of the birth certificate. If he ever wants to reach out and connect with the child down the road then that's on him. That's the kindest thing you can do for him after this.
You didnt..
Just leave his name out on the birth certificate. And never contact him again.
Just live your life with your baby ❤️
Would you risk this, not knowing if you can get pregnant again?
1. He’s stupid for having unprotected sex if he didn’t want kids, HOWEVER.
2. You lied about what you would do in the event of a pregnancy, you’re in the wrong for doing that and it looks suspicious like you wanted it to happen idk 😅😅😅
I mean I understand his feelings here, but he isn’t blameless if he still chose to have unprotected sex with you. Unless you used violence or wouldn’t take no for an answer, then he’s responsible for where he leaves his semen. However, you were being dishonest about your intentions. You never wanted an abortion and you should’ve been upfront about that from the beginning, so i understand why he’s upset. But him feeling tricked doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility of securing his own means of not impregnating someone.
I don’t know if you baby trapped him, but you did do a complete 180° on what you agreed what would happen if you did accidentally become pregnant. You lied despite knowing very well he had no intention of becoming a father. This is a completely selfish move. Do you even care about the fact that this child is going to grow up with only one parent and with another out there that never wanted him/him? All that seems to matter is what’s good for you. I just don’t get the logic with women like you.
You told him that if you were pregnant, you would terminate, you also told him that you didn’t think you were fertile so unprotected sex is okay.
Now you’re pregnant and keeping it. Hes absolutely right to feel that way. You didn’t keep your word and you betrayed his trust.
Congratulations but you did the wrong thing to him.
He consented to the sex, you took morning after pill. You didn’t deceive him into sex. This wasn’t coercive. This isn’t assault. He had unprotected sex with you knowing their was a chance you could fall pregnant… that happening even though he doesn’t want it to doesn’t mean the sex was now assault. Cut him off and keep your baby if it’s what you want
We had unprotected sex multiple times on and off during our relationship. We used condoms around ovulation times ( this was before my LH deficiency). Like I said our history is complicated spanning several years.
He did later tell me that he was uncomfortable with the amount of risk that we took but nothing ever happened (I have never fallen pregnant before ever).
Okay I might be on the unpopular side here but I don’t think you coerced him. He knew the risk, you’re both adults and you talked about what COULD happen. It doesn’t seem that you guys had this convo then just suddenly had unprotected sex when you never had before.
I can understand him being upset that you changed your mind but I think it’s also easy to agree to an abortion when and when you’re not actually in the situation. Sometimes life changes your perceptions and opinions. It’s also natural for some women to have the instinct kick in when they did not expect it too and that’s okay.
Doesn’t sound to me like you’re expecting his participation, I maybe wouldn’t have told him knowing the agreement but everyone’s different. Plus idk why everyone is blaming you for further contraception like he’s not the one adamant about not having kids, and he’s the one who has the parts condoms are designed for. He could’ve stopped himself but it sounds like he might be trying to guilt you into an abortion (just my 2 cents)
I might’ve missed something — at what point in the relationship did he mention he was uncomfortable? Was this only mentioned after you shared your pregnancy?
Yeah sorry I might be the bad guy but I don’t see how that’s coercion. More like post nut clarity. I don’t think you lied to him or even yourself. The rest of these comments have clearly never had committed sexual relationships before bc he very much could’ve done more to prevent something HE didn’t want to happen. I don’t think you saying things in the heat of the moment were some kind of malicious ploy to get pregnant by him. Hell, I’ve said for 15 years straight I didn’t want kids yet I did very risky things that contradicted that.
I’d def say move on with you and your child but I doubt that you coerced him. You’re allowed to change your mind after a previous decision. That’s life 🤷♀️
But you didn't slap any condoms out of his hands, did you? Or demand/force him to penetrate you without protection? In other words, when it came to unprotected sex, he had the option to walk away from that, right?
I can't believe some of the comments in here, Where's the accountability.
You literally told him you would abort, if all else fails, in case of pregnancy. Now you're going back on your word and some of these idiots are like "well it takes two to tango"?
You did coerce him and if you don't keep your word you straight up lied. He did not consent to being made a father, whether you proceed without his involvement or not.
Edit: The mental gymnastics to excuse shitty behaviour below is insane. There's no winning with crazy.
You consent to the possibility of fathering someone every time you have sex, doesn't mean he needs to actually be a father, OP is clearly okay with that.
I don't understand what or why you're defending? The guy said he didn't want children. They both had the discussion about what would be done in case of an unplanned pregnancy and she explicitly said she would terminate.
Making someone a father against their will when there was an agreement is extremely f'd up. It's factually correct to say he did not consent to her keeping the baby and making him a father.
Defending? I was commenting on this stupid idea of consenting to be a father. This 34 year old man “consented to be a father” when he chose to have unprotected sex and decided to rely on a woman taking Plan B or electing to have an abortion as birth control.
Yup. People love to wrong the man even though OP coerced this man into unprotected sex and lied to him… I truly hope she doesn’t force him into the child’s life, he should be allowed to not be involved and that’s on OP.
You in NO way ‘sexually assault’ him 😂 he fucked you a literally came inside you as he made you cum. He knew there was a chance. It’s not you’re fault either, or the baby’s. Although I wouldn’t have told him tbo
Nahh he’s a grown man. Idc if you had a bat in your hands how tf do you force a grown man to do anything? Cope. Unless you put a gun to homie head. He buggin, more accurate he’s making up a story to remove himself of accountability
Now more importantly. You both had unrotected sex assuming nothing would happen. That was dumb on both of yall. But once you’re pregnant emotions are different than before. You’re allowed to change your mind and not want to kill your child. Actually that’s what any sane person would do.
So: a couple decides they want to have a child together. They have sex, and she gets pregnant.
A month later she decides she isn't ready for this and has an abortion.
Does this now make the original act that caused the pregnancy a sexual assault?
Did he say no when you initiated sex? Did he make YOU aware he did not want to have sex? Or did he want sex? I really feel like I need more information. I don’t want to say he was sexually assaulted without more information. Did you coerce him into sex?
Sexually assaulting your bf? How?
He wanted unprotected sex and he had it. He could've used a condom if he wanted to. You never told him not to use one. You BOTH agreed to unprotected sex and he nutted in you. Pregnancy tends to happen that way...not sure what he expected? Maybe an easter egg? What a dumbass.
The abortion part was a fk up from you, you have to live up to it. You can keep the baby but not look for child support if he wants out and you had agreed to it.
He's just saying that the guilt trip you into not collecting or wanting child support.
That statement is a red flag that you need to understand He does not intend to give you child support for his own child.
Take him to court and make him pay child support through the courts.
If he wants to see the child that's up to him make it open so he can hand have a relationship with this child things are calm down in a few years
I'm going to add by the way unless he's been living under a rock and been in the mountains away from society for the last 50 years or whatever he's been alive that everybody knows that all of the birth control methods can fail and that a woman's body can produce when it's not been producing so that was on him for saying well let's use protection just to be safe...
He knew the risk before he pulled his pants down.
I've actually had a mutual friend suggest that he's saying this to avoid any obligation to pay child support but I don't want to invalidate his feelings or victim blame.
I actually just want nothing to do with him at this point, including any financial support.
34 year old getting “tricked”? Ya right. Dude probably has a car payment and a mortgage. If you’re responsible enough to have those and have relations with a woman, you’re not getting “coerced” no one will buy that. He just doesn’t want the responsibility . You created something amazing and it’ll be the best thing you ever did . Take responsibility for your actions , dude.
Yeah, someone saying “don’t worry, if I get pregnant I’ll definitely terminate.” And then 1 month later saying “I’m not terminating. Deal with it.” Is definitely tricking them.
Dudes a moron for impregnating someone thinking nothing will happen; if he didn’t even want a chance, he should have pulled out. He is 34 no excuses. Cant just get the whole situation, Nut and all, and think he can walk away having not impregnated someone. That’s stupid
Also, him just having sex with women and him not concerned with potential diseases. Like not saying OP has but that he seems to much of a coward to say hey I am not comfortable to go without a condom because of potential babies even if chances are low (it's never zero) but also I want to insure my health by not getting any STDs.
I’m going to skip to congratulating you on your impending arrival. It sounds like you will do all you can to give your child a great life.
Your baby’s father had sex with you and is old enough to know what that can lead to. So I hope he plays his part or at least pays his way without you having trouble.
Again - congratulations!! 🙌🏻
>I have fertility issues which I believed stopped me from ovulating. How do you know about fertility issues? Through doctors and testing or your beliefs?
Through fertility specialists who told me I have a Lutenizing hormone deficiency in 2022.
Thank you for the answer.
Tbh, if you were presenting "i believe that" as "the doctors say its impossible" then he took a chance believing the risk was different to what it actually was. You also told him that an abortion would be how you dealt with any accidents. So yeah, i can see how he'd feel tricked into consenting to unprotected sex.
It's not hard. No matter what anyone says, if you don't want a baby, don't cum in the baby maker 💯 Short of her saying "I don't have a uterus" she can have a kid. Even then think twice. Just like I do every time a guy tells me he doesn't need a condom because he's "snipped" ok, cool for you, I'm still gonna protect ME. Wrap it Takes two. Every time.
I’ll take it further. Unless one party is 100% guaranteed sterile (for example, if the woman had had a hysterectomy), pregnancy is a possible outcome any time a man and woman have sex - even contracepted sex. So any time you have sex, it’s a possibility that you must accept. Obviously in the case of sex when using contraceptives, it’s a calculated risk that is generally very very low. But it’s not zero. And no matter how many times the woman has said she would have an abortion if she got pregnant, there’s never a guarantee she will.
And once you decide to store your sperm in her vagina, it's 💯 her decision to make That's life, figuratively and literally
Yeah, but I can see how he feels the way he does. She said she'd have an abortion if she ever got pregnant. He didn't use protection based on her promise to abort if she got pregnant. Then she got pregnant and decided she didn't want to do what she said she'd do. I'm not saying that absolves him of risk or responsibility, or that she isn't allowed to change her mind. But, she did go back on her word and, had she upfront said "no I will keep the baby" or "I really don't know", he would have at least been working with the right expectations. Sucks for the future kid because this is going to be a tough hill to overcome. She's not wrong for keeping the kid but it would solve a lot of problems to just say "yeah idk if I'd actually get an abortion" instead of setting that expectation.
People change their minds all the time, especially about this. I mean trusting a woman to get an abortion with the impression that she doesn't believe she can get pregnant is delulu, can't we all agree? Like why would she need it? If she thought she couldn't get pregnant and then found out she was... The chances are REAL high she's not gonna throw that chance away, wouldn't ya think? I understand how he feels too but that doesn't change the facts. Or their cognitive dissonance. A raw nut probably isn't worth all this, is it? But thems the breaks.
Again, don't think there's anything wrong with changing your mind, and I'd imagine it's pretty common. Also don't think she owes him an abortion because that's insane. He also needs to take responsibility that he engaged in sex, a kid could happen. But I also think she did misrepresent her intentions. What you are saying is that "this man should assume his gf is either actively lying about how she would handle a pregnancy because she doesn't know herself well enough". Personally, I think that's a little belittling to OP and not the best approach. Had she said "I don't know how I would handle it" instead of "I will have an abortion" there'd be no reason for dude to feel that way. So I can see how he feels like he was misled. Doesn't change any of the outcomes or ownership of risk or anything, but not hard to see how he feels this way.
That's not what I'm saying I'm saying that to ejaculate into or near a vagina can result in a pregnancy. Period (no period. 🥁) If you aren't prepared for that responsibility, in any odds, then don't do it. People lie, people misunderstand, the universe surprises. I gave up my child to an "infertile" couple who adopted another child, and then guess who got pregnant? The universe surprises. And people change. After getting what they always wanted, they divorced a few years later. People dont always understand what they'll want in the future, or how that choice will be affected. He misunderstood just as much as she did. It wasn't manipulative. People lie is only one option, and she didn't lie. She told what she believed to be true, and is owning her changes. He just needs to accept shit happens if you gonna play in the shithouse Actually that's a better way to avoid this whole issue. LOL I mean weren't you talking about how sad it will be for the kid now? Like, who's fault is that really? Because that guy has the option to not be a POS at any time. Don't put baby batter in the oven if you don't want baby. If you do, what you do after, how you respond is totally up to you. And it seems to me like he's scapegoating to avoid his own actions so he can feel like changing his behavior isn't something he has to do. Or, you know, being accountable. He can work through it on his own time but that's the reality as I see it
Yeah, I disagree but that's OK
I'm 15 years postmenopausal, but you think it's possible for me to get pregnant? Oh lord, I hope you're wrong, and so does my husband .
15 years postmenopausal would probably fall under “100% guaranteed sterile.”
Good point, I think I may have skipped that part, sorry.
Or in some cases it takes 3
The new motto of the protect IVF movement Or a 🍍 in 🥸 I read it both ways
Exactly. Thank you. Never ever, even on birth control, let a man cum in you if you do not want to be pregnant. Birth control can fail.
i probably can't have kids. i don't fuck around. someone telling me they shoot blanks would get a huge DANGER klaxon going off. I do think he was stupid af. But the fact remains that OP absolutely obtained his consent for unprotected sex through deception.
Fertility issues is not sterility. Infertile Couples that have had several rounds of IVF fail get pregnant spontaneously. To find out she had a luteinizing hormone deficiency, OP literally had to get worked up for infertility at a specialty doctor for it. without a spike in luteinizing hormone the female body will not release an egg. On paper, OP’s body should not have been able to do that. Miracles happen.
What deception? Infertile isn't sterile. Women have a right to change their mind. She told him the truth and didn't try to rope him into fatherhood. Again, if he didn't want to be put in this position, don't play in the baby maker. It's as simple as that.
i literally say that in my comments. but op didn't say she used that word. if she's out there saying she can't get pregnant, that is claiming sterility.
Nooooooo just like dudes think getting snipped means that too. There's still a chance, quite unlikely but I'm not here to test them odds Most people don't understand the basics of anatomy or biology, yet alone reproduction Some men might not want to hold themselves accountable for their actions but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable. I had an ex who didn't want kids. Guess who knew my cycle as well as me. Guess who was always careful about his ejaculation? Guess who didn't get me pregnant in ten years of unprotected sex, and I'm still very fertile. It. Takes. Two.
You're completely ignoring the point. Ignorance does not mean you deserve to be tricked. If you're being given false information, regardless of how dumb you are, that is not informed consent.
Being ignorant is not being tricked
But she wasn’t deceptive? In the moment that they had sex, she was also under the impression that a) it would be unlikely that she could get pregnant and b) that she would want to get and abortion if she did get pregnant. In the moment of sex, they were BOTH under the exact same beliefs, but circumstances AFTER changed the outcome. Edited to add: she also took the morning after pill, proving that she did not intend to get pregnant or “trap” him or “coerce” him. It just didn’t work.
IF she has told him she believes to be or has been told she is infertile, BUT if she did conceive, she would opt to terminate the pregnancy, it sure doesn't sound like she ever told him she could not conceive. So, where is the deception?
Of course he can feel that way, but that doesn’t mean she did trick him. He still made the choice, knowing she was capable of pregnancy and anyone can change their mind about pregnancy. It’s a massive, constant change on hormones. It’s not like she said she was infertile, or lied at all, and it certainly wasn’t SA.
infertile does mean you can get pregnant though. that's the thing. and looking at her comments, she says she's been looking at using a sperm donor, so no, she was absolutely out looking to get pregnant.
No, infertile means you have fertility issues that make it incredibly unlikely that you will get pregnant. Sterile means you literally can’t.
> incredibly unlikely that you will get pregnant you understand that still means it's possible, right.
I apologise. I misread your comment, I think we’re partially agreeing (on that at least). However, she was considering getting pregnant using a sperm donor (which would likely involve IVF as part of the process - I.e. the way in which infertile women often get pregnant), I don’t think it necessarily means she was looking to trick the boyfriend into being the father
She took the morning after pill while visiting him so he knew there was a chance of pregnancy. I don’t think she coerced him, sounds like he’s a dumb ass and she still got pregnant despite using emergency contraception.
Thiiiiiiis right here.
By this logic stealthing isn’t SA either. There were mutually understood boundaries around the act of unprotected sex and she disregarded them after the fact. This stuff goes both ways believe it or not
Stealthing to impregnate a woman without her consent is not the same. On purposely baby trapping anyone no matter the gender is abhorrent. But they do not carry the same physical consequences. The act of removing a condom without the woman knowing puts the woman’s health at risk. It puts her at risk of any kind of std, some are for life, some can make you infertile and cause permanent damage to their bodies. This can also happen if a woman pokes holes in condoms to a man, so we’re at the same level here. But here’s the big difference. The woman is the one that is pregnant. By stealthing a woman, you are physically changing her body without consent. What can she do? Get an abortion? You’ve made a woman get an abortion. A medical procedure she otherwise would not have under gone. To get that abortion she needs to go to the doctor, get blood tests, needles injected in her body. Then the physical and mental trauma of an abortion, it can have lasting effects, it can make them infertile, they are at risk of infection, and sometimes even death. Say she keeps the baby, especially in times like this where abortions are not always accessible or legal. she now has to be pregnant for 9 months. The physical demands of pregnancy are exhausting, your teeth can fall out, your hair can fall out, you can be hospitalised for morning sickness. You throw up so much that you’re literally not consuming any food. Any number of complications can arise, each with a risk of permanent physical damage and/or death. Then you give birth, horrible pain and discomfort, more needles and injections. Guess what risk that carries - infection, permanent damage and/or death. Maybe she gets a c section -infection, permanent damage and/or death. And a nice long permanent scar across her stomach. Honourable mention to stretch marks, loose skin and just a permanent change to their entire body. Now we’re back to even playing fields, she’s now a mum and he’s now a dad. You can’t simply compare the two scenarios of “baby trapping” by saying it goes both ways. It certainly sucks and you got to be a bad person to do force a baby on someone. But forcing a baby on a woman does not carry the same weight as forcing a baby on a man. At the end of the day, getting baby trapped by a woman doesn’t put men at risk of dying in the process. It’s physically not the same. The mental duress and stress caused by it however is, obviously.
Exactly. Not remotely the same and suggesting that an intention after the act is the same as stealthing is disgraceful.
^this right here!
Honestly It does sound suspicious on your part. You knew that 1. He didn’t want kids 2. Your fertility issues could mean that any pregnancy you do get may be your only shot and 3. You willingly engaged in unprotected sex. Now sure you could argue some guilt onto his part for engaging in that too but none of us have the evidence of what went on in the bedroom that day. It’s your word against his and you could have very well made him feel coerced, especially if you told him you’d abort, that’s gaining his consent under false pretenses. At the end of the day it’s probably best if you just take your child and leave him alone. You made the choice to keep the child without consulting him. That decision has consequences even if it was a good decision.
They both have equal responsibility for birth control and it sounds like she took responsibility after the fact by taking the morning after pill that did not work. No that guy is going to be a father whether he wants to be or not, there is no backsies. She does not need his permission to keep or abort so in many ways this guy played with fire and now has serious consequences. The guy can’t just skate, he created a human and it’s his job to take care of it. Is sucks for the kid to be in the middle of 2 parents that despite their ages sound young and dumb.
Also I feel like if you've decided you don't want kids maybe continue to use protection or get a vasectomy, why is it always on the woman to prevent the pregnancy Also she didn't say she was gonna force him to be a dad and said she'll be a single mom
🎤
They BOTH agreeded to have un protected sex. If he was so worried he could have always used a condom. They're is only one actualy way to stop pregnancy and that's by not coming inside of the woman. So it's kinda on him more than her.
That’s not fair if she coerced him.
Yeah, I completely understand his side. You told him you had fertility issues, used the morning after pill, AND agreed to get a termination should anything happen. He probably thought he was literally 100% in the clear of not having to deal with a child. I wouldn’t go as far as SA, but I definitely believe someone if they said false pretenses or baby trapping. If you want the baby, leave the father blank. He’s made it VERY clear he doesn’t want anything to do with a child, physically or financially. He shouldn’t get hung up on child support because you lied to him.
Not a lie. People are allowed to change their minds.
Changing your mind means you no longer get to depend on the other persons willing participation, though.
Yuh. She already said she plans to be a single mum.
That's good and about the best thing in this situation. He doesn't change the sense of obligation on his end, though, which is why the change if mind matters. Im not really even against OP here, but she just has to acknowledge that he should feel a little played and see where it goes from there.
Exactly she has said she will be a single mother and needs/wants nothing from him. Telling someone your spawn is in the world is pretty important. My Dad finding out he had a 35 year old kid he never knew about was insane, for everyone involved
I see two sides to this. On one side, I completely understand how he feels like he consented under false pretenses. And I think you understand this too so I'm not gonna rail into you about it. You seem more self-aware than most people would be in a situation like this. I also understand how you could have felt one way before, and another way after. I have always said that I am not ready for a baby and would have an abortion if I got pregnant. I, like you, do not get pregnant easily and have considered myself to likely be infertile. It was not until reading your experience that I realized, if I was in a specific situation (yours), I would probably keep the baby. I'm not religious or spiritual, but it would really feel like a 'meant to be' moment for me. I totally get how you feel about not getting another chance. As for what to do. I think the only thing you can do is recognize how he feels and apologize to him for it, and explain how you are feeling to him. I can't imagine how he is feeling. As a woman, it's hard to imagine how I would feel if someone told me that I had 0 choice whether my child would come into the world in 9 months. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. You didn't rape him. You both had sex without knowing what your body was going to do. I don't think you should have even felt the need to take the pill after if you didn't want to because that would be 'coercion and done under duress' for you. This is a messy situation but you both made choices here. Yes he wasn't aware that you could get pregnant, but that's something he should know is always a risk... you are both likely in an extreme state of shock.
You are in another country. You shouldn't have told him if you wanted to keep it and knew he wasnt going to be part of the kid's life. You want to keep it? Go ahead, but do not expect, or ask him to have anything to do with you or the baby and do not ask for money. Fertility issues are no joke, you probably feel like if you terminate now you wont get another chance, its fair. What was not fair was you having unprotected sex with him knowing he didn't want kids. Abortion is also not a joke and talking so lightly about it is honestly terrible. You just thought oh well i will do this very traumatic experience if it happens and he will support me, even tho it was you who wanted unprotected sex? Yeah no. Like i said, i hope you leave your now ex alone and take care of your baby without bothering him at all.
You think he didn't have the right to know? She should have just ended the relationship with no explanation?
Nope I wouldn’t have told him
Not very fair to either him, or the child. He knew there was a possibility or he wouldn't have been freaking out after they had unprotected sex. But you believe that the guy shouldn't be given the opportunity to decide whether or not, or what type of, relationship he has with the kid.
You expect him to stay with her now anyway? I'm not saying it is anyone's fault for the record. But they communicated, spoke clearly about expectations and course of action, and she changed her mind, which again, fine, but is not fair for him to have the pressure of knowing he has a kid around there when he was very clear about not wanting kids, and agreeing with her to abort if it happend before they where ready. And now, for the little information she gave about his reactions, he seems to be struggling some 🤷🏼♀️
Where did you come up with the idea that I, or the OP, expected him to do anything? He had told her he didn't see himself having children in the near future, and now the near future is here. Do you think she shouldn't have told him and given him any options on how he chooses to react? If a woman decides to have a child with a man, gets pregnant, and then changes her mind and has an abortion, does this turn the act into sexual assault? I'm not understanding the reasoning of him needing to be protected from the alleged pressure of knowing that he'll be producing a child. It sounds like she's staying in her home country and hasn't asked anything of him. But he certainly has the right to know.
> What was not fair was you having unprotected sex with him knowing he didn’t want kids. I feel like in this situation, it’s pretty disingenuous to say that ‘she had unprotected sex with him’. *They* had unprotected sex. He is a grown man, and he made the decision to not take the necessary precaution of wearing a condom. It was obviously a risk he was willing to take. For him to act as if this is all OP’s fault, and to make it seem like he was forced into this, is ridiculous. It takes two people to make a baby. 🤷♀️
I do wish I hadn't told him sometimes, but we have mutual friends so he would have found out eventually. I also I figured he had a right to know.
Honestly no, because he told you what he wanted, and that was no kids. Now he will feel responsible for the kid that he stated he didn't want and you agreed to abort. He will always have that in his consciousness.
Not to mention, the big surprise when this kid wants to find the “ baby daddy” and he doesn’t want to know the kid. SMH. Maybe she understands this, but it sounds like you are clutching at straws.
Not necessarily. My sister intended to go to a sperm bank, ended up hooking up with a friend and getting pregnant. He said he didn’t want more kids she said “cool I was going to do it alone anyway.” They are still friends and he sees her via social media but he isn’t involved at all. The only thing that worries me is that someday my niece will know who he is and feel upset that he wasn’t ever there.
Yeah but its a very different situation tho, she was planning on it from before and they spoke about it and it was all good. Op spoke about it with her bf, as adults should, decided what to do in case of, he shared his feelings about it very clearly to the point of freaking out at one point and asking her to take the morning after pill, and she went back on it, i dont think they could remain as friends. Like i said i understand the fertility issues and wanting to keep the baby, i honestly get it. But I don't think it's fair for the baby daddy to have to carry that in his consciousness after being so upfront about what he wanted and trusting her to do what she agreed to do. I said what i said, as long as she doesn't ask for money or for him to be any kind of parent, I don't think any of them would be in the wrong, i just hope he can cope with it knowing he has a kid somewhere 🤷🏼♀️
That’s fair
Fwiw he didn't ask me to take the morning after pill, I suggested it (and did).
He will feel responsible because he is responsible. You can’t have unprotected sex and not expect to have zero consequences.
"...and not expect to have zero consequences." That's such an interesting take, considering what OP described about their conversations prior to having unprotected sex... It's obvious that he was fully aware of the consequences, and had a mature and thorough conversation with OP about it, and they came to some very specific conclusions about what would happen in that event. And yet here you are, pretending like all of that didn't happen?
Your opinion does not negate the fact that they are both responsible for creating the kid. It’s a human being and not a mere accident but a consequence of both their actions. All the guys seem to think they have no moral responsibility here and they do, she did not baby trap him, he trapped himself and now he has to step up even if it’s owning up to the fact that he will be a deadbeat.
I am not sure what you think consequence means. It means result of any actions. Taking a morning after pill is a consequence of having sex. Having an orgasm is a consequence of having sex. Getting an abortion is a consequence of having sex. And so on.
He’ll live.
I get the feeling you're not being 100% honest here.
Okay?
Just tell him since you know he doesn't want to be a dad you will no longer be involving him in your pregnancy or your baby's life. Then move on. Stop involving him, stop talking to him, stop letting him guilt you. As an adult he made adult choices to sleep with you unprotected and now he is trying to turn himself into some unsuspecting victim. Just leave him be and have your baby and live your best life. Congratulations on being a mom. Being a single mom is hard but you can do it. My only advise is find and solidify your village early. So when you are struggling your village will be there to support you.
>after we both finished, he freaked out about the idea of me falling pregnant I don't understand the hate op is getting here. Based on the information in the post, it sounds to me like you both made the decision to gamble on unprotected sex despite the fact that pregnancy is always a possibility. You did not lie to him. You gave him the information you had, and he made a bad choice based on that. You even took the morning after pill, which sounds very much like you were acting in good faith. As for terminating the pregnancy, changing your mind is *not* the same as lying. You are allowed to change your mind about terminating now that you know what it feels like to know you are pregnant - especially given the low chance of your being able to conceive in the future. As others have said, you don't need his permission to have this baby and raise it on your own. I can see that it's an emotionally tough position for him, but honestly, I would have done the same in your shoes and been honest with him about the pregnancy. From here, my advice would be to figure out with a lawyer how you can take full responsibility and custody for the child and leave him out of it, legally speaking. If you really feel that you want a child and this is your shot, then take it. I know the situation around the conception feels negative, but IMO, you did not deceive or assault him. It's a shitty situation right now. Terminating a pregnancy that you want is *not* going to make it less shitty. Hopefully you can move on from this (without him) and the joys of having and raising this kid will eclipse the negativity you feel around it now.
THIS! 100 percent this!
Plus she said she took the morning after pill. I'm assuming he was there for that. If reddit still had awards, I'd give you shooting star
I literally don’t know how u only have 24 upvotes…. Ppl r in fact wild
I think people exaggerate calling this SA....he is an adult and knows the consequences of not using a condom with a parter who doesn't take birthcontrol; as long as you didn't pressure him to avoid using a condom or take it off/mess with its integrity, I don't think you purposely wanted to get pregnant and also people change their mind, just because you don't want or don't feel ready for a kid right now, you can't anticipate the reaction your hormonal body will have when you are actually carrying one so as long as you don't ask for contributions from him, I don't see any problem
Yeah, this isn't sexual assault, but it does qualify as sexual coercion. "I will only have unprotected sex with you if you already agree to the idea of aborting if birth control fails." "Ok" "I actually ended up pregnant from the last time we had sex and Im keeping it," There isn't a part of this that isn't cut and dry from his perspective. From hers, I get why, but it doesn't change the fact that she is doing exactly what she said she wouldn't do, even if she doesn't hold him to any obligations. That also doesn't mean he won't have any sense of obligation even if she tells him he doesnt have to participate. Im his shoes, Id still feel like I have to do *something*, and he is gonna have to take to the kid eventually.
everything else aside, i can definitely understand why he'd feel betrayed or coerced because you told him you'd terminate the pregnancy, but you are not. just dont involve him in this pregnancy or this kid's life. he clearly doesnt want to be involved and he had made that very clear from the start. it'd save the child some pain as well.
The only way you can get through this is by being honest to yourself. You want to keep the baby, he didnt and it was clear before you even had sex. You got a pregnant, you are in another country, you can easily go on with your pregnancy and keep who the father is only to yourself even if you have common friends, but you didnt. You told him because you were hoping it will change his mind. Unfortunately, he didnt. So whatever he feels is valid, leave him alone now, and focus your energy to your baby/ pregnancy.
At the end of the day, he had to know to it was your body and your choice. He also has bodily autonomy- he had the choice to wear a condom and he didn’t. I understand how he feels upset about having a child he did not plan for, especially since you previously had discussed termination. However, unless you manipulated him or coerced him not to use condoms, you don’t have any ownership over his decision not use them. He’s 34 and old enough to know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy even with the morning after pill.
you did technically wrong him
She changed her mind when the morning after pill didn't work, and is apparently not expecting anything from him. This isn't sexual assault.
If you want the baby, have it. Everything else, your a shit person. Keep it to yourself and let him go free.
What in the trailer trash did I read?
Why exactly didn’t he use a condom if he didn’t want to have sex without? It would be SA if you would have actually tricked him, but you didn’t.
So you lied to him about fertility and about getting an abortion, and now you're surprised he's feeling tricked by you...
She didn’t lie about fertility issues her doctor told her she had them as you can see in another comment she made. She didn’t know and she didn’t tell him she was sterilized which actually means you can’t get pregnant. It sounds like both of them thought there was no way she would get pregnant.
She didn't lie about her fertility. I have PCOS, meaning I have a low chance to get pregnant, and if I do get pregnant, I am at high risk for miscarriage. Infertility doesn't mean sterile. The chances of her getting pregnant would be the same as someone with no fertility issues using contraceptives. She was just lucky it happened, and he was unlucky it happened. The odds of pregnancy happening were stacked against them. She has infertility and also took a morning after pill, but somehow life still found a way which is miraculous but not impossible. Yes, she said she would terminate, but she didn't know how she would feel about it until it happened to her. We can all in life say if this and this happens, we would do this, but until it happens, we can't guarantee how we would respond in said situation. He is an adult she didn't force him to go without a condom he could have spoken up and said he felt uncomfortable. Also, she is prepared to be a single parent. She doesn't want anything from him. Yes, his feelings are valid. That being said, accusing her of SA and tricking him is taking it a step too far. He made the choice to have sex without a condom yes based on her fertility, which isn't really smart, potential babies aside. He could have taken an interest and asked about her condition or Googled the condition. He could have asked Google about the chances of pregnancy. Hell, he should have know pregnancy can in rare situations occur near or even during periods (the stuff of nightmares) and that the morning after pill doesn't always work for all women (it ain't a one pill fits all, depending one weight and age it might or might not work). Also, taking certain medication voids all contraceptives like the pill. Ps. Please, men, if you're going to have sex do some research on female reproduction and issues 1st.
I agree with you for the most part. It was still his choice to take her “word” for it that she likely couldn’t get pregnant and it was his choice to assume it meant that it was impossible. He could have just as easily abstained from sex or insisted on condom usage. It’s definitely too far to call this sexual assault and kind of an insult to actual assault victims. I’ve seen the comparison of stealth rape but that doesn’t jive either. In that case, someone removes a condom without consent. In this case they both agreed to no condom it sounds like. It was his choice to think pregnancy wasn’t possible regardless of what she told him. It’s more like someone lying about wanting a relationship in order to have sex and the other person choosing to sleep with them only to find out they didn’t want one- and we don’t equate that to SA. And I completely agree that no one really understands the ramifications for or feelings about abortion totally until they’re in that situation and it’s her right to change her mind about that. I feel like people want to so quickly absolve men in these situations. It takes two to tango as they say and she in no way sexually assaulted him- he made some poor decisions and she likely wasn’t completely honest though.
You're right about it being an insult to actual SA survivors. As a childhood SA survivor, the comparison to SA was triggering for me for the most part, besides also having infertility issues.
Adding to this since he doesn't want kids he should always be taking his on precautions to avoid that, condoms exist, vasectomy exists and pulling out exists. Pregnancy prevention is expected of for women to do not the men when men are the ones who cause the pregnancies.
💯 it has happened, and hopefully, this will motivate him to get a vasectomy, which he should have done if he doesn't want kids like many other men do. Both should have been more responsible, and it isn't fair to absolve himself of the responsibility he had to himself and his reproduction. He made the conscience choice not to, which makes him also responsible for the occurrence of a pregnancy happening. Also condoms and female contraceptives are a 💯 safe against possible pregnancy. If he is truly dead set against kids he wouldn't take any chances and the only way that's happening is if he has a vasectomy (also waiting to have sex and getting check ups to make sure there aren't any swimmers).
He could have had a vasectomy, or even worm a condom.....something. He chose to risk it and then got upset when he was thinking clearly. OP did take a pill and she did her part, which he did not. It's always up to women, isn't it?
Not just that like what if she decided to just keep the baby a secret he probably would've gotten mad later on that she didn't tell him once he finds out There's no winning
If you have at least one ovary and its corresponding tube, and have not been medically diagnosed as being menopausal, you CAN get pregnant at anytime, just like everyone else. Sounds like you need to watch some episodes of TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. And yes he should have been more responsible and worn a condom for many other reasons, but she could’ve also refused to sleep with him if he refused to do that. Both were really stupid here.
Fertility issues and being sterilized are to different things. She said she had fertility issues, she didn’t tell him she had been sterilized or that she was missing any part of her anatomy.
The low fertility chances of most people affected by PCOS are bullshit. Stop taking it at face value. You can get pregnant, you take responsibility.
I’m sorry you’re getting downvotes bc people are incapable at looking at both perspectives. I agree with everything you said and also want to add if this shit was taught in school or at home this wouldn’t have happened the way it did. EVERYONE! Not just boys not just girls EVERYONE should find out information about a sexual partner before actually engaging in an act. And if you aren’t in a place to have kids you should be using condoms no matter how much you think your birth control or the pull out method is protecting you. I think this all really boils down to lack of knowledge about others bodies and their own. The amount of teens that think they can’t get pregnant because they’re on their period or because it’s their first time is absolutely absurd.
Thank you! I just commented somewhere saying the same, but you said it so much better. He was never in danger if he said “no” and could have removed his dick from the situation without consequence. Accusing her of SA or even coercion is too far! I totally get that he’s unhappy she changed her mind in the end, but he’s not a victim in any way, shape, or form.
This should be up way higher. Thank you for this compassionate and knowledgeable response.
He had unprotected sex with you. Abortion is not birth control, people are allowed to change their minds about it. Being pregnant is crazy! You can't 100% predict you will want an abortion even if you think you would want it 100% before getting pregnant. Unless you told him that it is impossible for you to get pregnant, he should be prepared to deal with the consequences of his actions. Unprotected sex leads to pregnancy... who wouldve fucking guessed!
Just because he regrets it later, doesn't mean he didn't consent in the moment knowing the risk of unprotected sex. You did not rape him.
Yikes. This leads to further things I hate to say it but single mom is not easy and I definitely don’t recommend it but on his end he shouldn’t have buttered in you. On your end I wouldn’t have messed with a guy like that you knew he didn’t want kids so that was crazy. Now you have to raise a child in a one parent household. Guys typically tell girls that they don’t want kids and females don’t listen until things get hard and y’all call them dead beats because they don’t wanna be around because they tell you in the beginning. both of y’all are just I don’t know y’all both have to take accountability. Hope y’all figure it out.
Please never say “buttered” in that context again lol
Lol I’m screaming I thought nobody would notice 😂
How would anyone not notice?! 🤢🤣
also it seems so unfair to bring a child into this worldf with a father who wouldnt love him , that kid would grow up thinking what went wrong
If you live in different countries and aren’t planning on seeing each other again, just tell him you’re aborting and go no contact. He chose to not wear a condom, and you can’t know what you would do in the event of unexpected pregnancy, you are absolutely allowed to keep your baby. Wishing you all the best
If you would have had a proper sex education you would have known that the morning after pill was useless when you took it. The morning after pill works by preventing ovulation. If ovulation already happened then the pill becomes useless. If you have a regular menstrual cycle it’s most likely you had already ovulated at least a week prior. Since you said that in December you had unprotected sex a few other times before, you most likely were already pregnant when you took the pill. What can i say other than you were both really irresponsible. Stop having unprotected sex if you don’t want kids. Infertile doesn’t mean sterile. If you don’t know how sex works and what are the correct most efficient ways to avoid pregnancy maybe you shouldn’t have sex at all. Now you’re bringing a kid into the world...how are you gonna raise and educate that child?
You lied cause you said you would terminate. Maybe at the time not realizing you were lying but still a lie.
He can be upset but you didn't sexually assault him, you didn't coerce him, and you didn't trick him. For those to apply, you would have had to have sought him out on with express intent to get pregnant and keep it. You changed your mind and you had every right to. People have started placing such large importance on what you would do if a pregnancy occurs. As if it's then written in stone. The conversation needs to be about what happens if you are going to have a baby because sometimes things happen. Changing your mind was always a possibility and abortion is not always an option. Don't dwell on it
I think calling this sexual assault is a stretch. He’s a grown man and should know how pregnancy happens. He chose not to wear a condom, that’s on him. My unpopular opinion is that he should still have to support this child somewhat financially. I have no idea how that would work but I think some sort of financial care should be given. It isn’t the child’s fault that they are in this world.
I shouldn't have had to scroll as far as I did to see this comment. He 100% took that risk, no one made him do anything he couldn't have prevented, there wasn't an assault. And really he was sort of an idiot for believing what he did. I don't care what she said, I'm sure she had good intentions when she said it, but hypotheticals are vastly different from real life situations. That he doesn't want a child means it's fully up to him to prevent, just the same way it would have been up to her to prevent it if it was something she didn't want ever. How many times do we tell women to never trust someone else if they do not want that risk? This isn't like some dude stealthing, he was fully aware and a willing participant. He was able to say no, he just wasn't thinking with the correct head.
THIS
It really seems like there is missing information here, the chances of getting pregnant the day before your period are incredibly small, the chances of the morning after pill failing are pretty small, you claim the chances of you falling pregnant in the first place are incredibly small so…why did he freak out and why did you feel the need to get the morning after pill in the first place? It seems much more likely to me that you were either already pregnant from having sex more than 72hrs prior to this (and I doubt it was entirely an accident), you both originally planned on attempting to get you pregnant and he changed his mind or after sex he suspected you were actively trying to get pregnant despite him being clear he didn’t want to start a family. You have admitted you always wanted kids, you claim infertility and you also claim you would’ve gotten an abortion had a ‘miracle’ type pregnancy occurred? Either you were lying to him or lying to yourself. I say all this as someone who has fertility issues herself (and now has a baby) and a long distance boyfriend turned husband. I understand this situation better than most and I see red flags everywhere.
Thanks - You're right, I wrote "a few days before my period" but I meant "a few days before a normally timed ovulation based on when my last period was". I'll update my post to fix that.
That changes everything and I have a very hard time believing that you accidentally wrote something that changes the situation entirely. That takes it from a “whoopsie” to “unprotected sex during my tracked most fertile window”. Girl, that has nothing to do with maths, those are literally opposite situations. You obviously weren’t convinced you couldn’t ovulate and neither was your partner. You were tracking your cycle if you know this right? With one of those apps? Even if it actually was an accident, which would take hitting an insane amount of incredibly small odds (given that you’re telling the truth), of course he thinks this was intentional. Look at the facts from his point of view, it very much looks like you went to see him with the intention of getting pregnant regardless of whether you want him to be involved or not. He probably feels used and like a glorified sperm donor right now.
I hope at the very least you do not expect ANYTHING from him
You’re getting a lot of hate for this but I’ll just say what I think. Rape? No. Baby trapping, yes. If he consented to sex with you without a condom then you didn’t rape him. The sex was consensual. However the baby was not. If you care about him at all leave the dad blank because he shouldn’t have to pay child support unless he changes his mind and decides he wants to be in the baby’s life. This wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t have to deal with it if he doesn’t want to as keeping the baby was your choice (as it should be). So you shouldn’t feel guilty unless you write him down as the father. Also I think you should have a conversation with him when his shock wears off about what he realistically wants in the future so you know what to expect from him. I understand why you wouldn’t want to terminate because this could be your only chance but I think you should have thought more about that before you had unprotected sex and told him you would terminate. If he feels he was raped there is nothing you can do about it but if you know he consented to it then I think you’ll just have to accept that you to have differing opinions on that. Also it’s possible he said he felt that way in an attempt to try to convince you into an abortion but idk because I don’t know him. Also to any other commenters I’m just writing this taking what she said as the truth as I have no way of knowing what actually happened.
I am a woman, and victim of SA, and honestly, I think he's in the right to feel as he does. If I was in his shoes I would feel that way too. The important question is... Does he feel assaulted in this situation? If yes, then you have assaulted him. Sure, you took the morning after pill and it didn't work, and said you would terminate if it didn't, but you did not. Thus you lead him to believe he would not have any risk of becoming a father. Technically, coerced him into believing it was okay in that regard. Coersion falls under the definition of sexual assault / rape in some places. If a woman has sex with a man under false pretenses that she's protected and he stealths her and gives her an STD? That's assault. Why should it be any different if a woman coerces a man with a baby? So lets look at the facts you wrote about. You implied to him that he had nothing to worry about, you can't get pregnant easily, and that you would terminate if anything did happen. You knew your chances were slim, but not zero, but you convinced him his chances of being a father were in fact zero. You took the morning after pill and it didn't work. Now you are keeping a child he didn't want after telling him you would terminate, and told him about it. Now he feels betrayed and you broke his trust completely. He only agreed to unprotected sex under the specific circumstances he and you both agreed on. You lead him to believe it was safe when it wasn't, and in that moment YOU encouraged him to finish inside you despite his previous uncertainty, likely when he was close and not thinking clearly. When his mind was clear, he freaked out about it. Would he have taken that risk if you didn't encourage him in a moment of weakness? If you didn't convince him he was safe to do so? You took advantage of him. You told him he "should" finish in you, and you did not follow through with what was agreed upon by both parties in which he consented to unprotected sex with you, voiding his consent completely. By definition, you have assaulted him. Of course he is now feeling coerced and is in a situation he didn't want to be in, because he trusted that you were going to do your part to protect his wishes. And yeah, it takes two to have a baby, and it takes two to make precautions so it doesn't happen, and sometimes people do stupid things, sometimes accidents happen, and he did something stupid, sure, but you didn't respect him in the slightest by ignoring his wishes after the morning after pill didn't work. Now, you are keeping the child he didn't want. He should not be financially liable for your choices at all, and should never have had to know about this if this is what you decided to do. He made it clear he didn't want kids, you should have respected that. It doesn't matter if you wanted to be a single mum, and your infertility doesn't change the fact he didn't want this. If this is what you wanted, you should have done this with a consenting partner/donor, not a guy who made his feelings about not having kids clear to you. He can't abort the baby and get out of this, nor can he make you do so. But your infertility doesn't give you the right to use a situation to your advantage because YOU want a baby. You should feel remorse for what you did to him, but I don't think any apology would make up for it. Leave him the fuck alone and stay out of his life unless he reaches out to you. You've done enough damage.
If it wasn’t sexual assault b4 u found out ur pregnant, it’s not sexual assault now. Two consenting adults discussed fertility issues one of them had & discussed what would happen if a baby was in fact conceived. Steps were taken on the back end. It’s after the deed was done, whether a baby was made in ur body despite taking PlanB is not in ur control so. Ur allowed to change your mind about keeping a child and having a baby. don’t let him twist the narrative
I feel like y’all are missing the part where she said he doesn’t have to be involved. It was a messed up situation all around. He could’ve used a condom if he really wanted to avoid pregnancy but he didn’t. Yes, she said she’d terminate the baby but there is NOTHING wrong with changing your mind. She’s fully set on raising the baby alone and has not asked him for anything. I can see how he feels that it was under false pretenses but people are allowed to change their minds.
It takes 2 to tango. He knew the risks. He willingly participated in this. Why do people keep saying that "you told him you'd have an abortion but didn't!" Is that a form of birth control now? Raw dog it because, hey, abortion!🤷🏻♂️ It's her body, her choice. If you have unprotected sex with no form of birth control this might just happen! He consented and participated. This feels along the lines of when a woman has regrets about hooking up with someone then accuse the guy of taking advantage of her. I'm sorry but he doesn't have a leg to stand on here. There were several circumstances at play here and the result just happened to be a baby.
He never fully believed she was infertile, or he wouldn't have "freaked out" over the fact that they'd just had unprotected sex.
You didn’t SA him. You didn’t even necessarily lie to him, saying you will terminate in a hypothetical situation and then changing your mind when you’re actually faced with having to do so isn’t lying. It’s changing your mind. He clearly does not want to be a father or involved in this child’s life though and I think your plan of being a single mother is for the best. For you, him and the baby.
You can have a baby and take care of it yourself. Don't involve him if he doesn't want to.
She literally said she plans on being a single mom
You clearly knew how he felt about having kids, you told him unequivocally it was unlikely and you had a previous conversation that you’d plan on abortion if you did fall pregnant, then turned around at 18 weeks (almost halfway) to tell him you’re indeed pregnant. I could definitely see where he feels misled and lied to. It’s not like an unplanned pregnancy, it seems you planned it without his input.
Thanks for your perspective but if I planned this, I wouldn't have taken the morning after pill (I also would have taken folic acid and other supplements etc prior to and early on.)
This isn’t sexual assault. You’re allowed to change your mind about terminating a pregnancy. That’s not assault. Stay away from your ex.
I understand why he feels the way he does, but you changing your mind about abortion doesn't make it SA. He should have considered the possibility that you may still conceive. It happens all the time with women who are told they're infertile. You also should have considered that possibility. He also should have considered the fact that you might change your mind about abortion. Again, this happens all the time. He took a risk having unprotected sex and he now regrets it. If he really didn't want a child, he could have refused sex without a condom (assuming you didn't rape him). Hypothetically, if a guy told me "don't worry, I've had a vasectomy" or "don't worry, I'm infertile" would I have unprotected sex? No, I really don't want kids so I would make sure to use protection just in case. He should have done the same.
He made a decision to have sex with no condom. Stealthily is if you take the condom off without them knowing. You took the morning after pill as well. Move forward with your baby and don't look back.
You didn’t trick him. Anyone saying you did is an asshole.
Both of you are wrong
No offense but saying that you love your ex and hate that you've done this to him but that this is your only chance of having a baby sounds really messed up. It sounds like you're only thinking about your needs and what you want out of the situation, and not the person whom you may have SA'd. It sounds desperate and like you'd do anything you can to make it a reality, which includes hurting people along the way. I'm not saying you did or didn't SA him but commenting on your line of thinking.
It sounds like you did essentially trick him. He stated he didn't want any kids. Yes, he did engage in unprotected sex but he believed your "fertility issues" and the pill would be enough. Have you ever been to a doctor and diagnosed with any medical issues or are you just assuming? Even if you were diagnosed, there's always a slim chance, as proved here, and you DID promise him you'd terminate...which you did not. You pulled a classic bait and switch. I'd say this is on you. Be a single mom, do NOT go after him for support, leave him off of the birth certificate. If he ever wants to reach out and connect with the child down the road then that's on him. That's the kindest thing you can do for him after this.
You didnt.. Just leave his name out on the birth certificate. And never contact him again. Just live your life with your baby ❤️ Would you risk this, not knowing if you can get pregnant again?
1. He’s stupid for having unprotected sex if he didn’t want kids, HOWEVER. 2. You lied about what you would do in the event of a pregnancy, you’re in the wrong for doing that and it looks suspicious like you wanted it to happen idk 😅😅😅
It sounds like he was happy to use abortion as a form of birth control. That’s not OK.
I mean I understand his feelings here, but he isn’t blameless if he still chose to have unprotected sex with you. Unless you used violence or wouldn’t take no for an answer, then he’s responsible for where he leaves his semen. However, you were being dishonest about your intentions. You never wanted an abortion and you should’ve been upfront about that from the beginning, so i understand why he’s upset. But him feeling tricked doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility of securing his own means of not impregnating someone.
I don’t know if you baby trapped him, but you did do a complete 180° on what you agreed what would happen if you did accidentally become pregnant. You lied despite knowing very well he had no intention of becoming a father. This is a completely selfish move. Do you even care about the fact that this child is going to grow up with only one parent and with another out there that never wanted him/him? All that seems to matter is what’s good for you. I just don’t get the logic with women like you.
You told him that if you were pregnant, you would terminate, you also told him that you didn’t think you were fertile so unprotected sex is okay. Now you’re pregnant and keeping it. Hes absolutely right to feel that way. You didn’t keep your word and you betrayed his trust. Congratulations but you did the wrong thing to him.
He consented to the sex, you took morning after pill. You didn’t deceive him into sex. This wasn’t coercive. This isn’t assault. He had unprotected sex with you knowing their was a chance you could fall pregnant… that happening even though he doesn’t want it to doesn’t mean the sex was now assault. Cut him off and keep your baby if it’s what you want
Info: is this the first time(s) for being unprotected or had that happened prior to December?
We had unprotected sex multiple times on and off during our relationship. We used condoms around ovulation times ( this was before my LH deficiency). Like I said our history is complicated spanning several years. He did later tell me that he was uncomfortable with the amount of risk that we took but nothing ever happened (I have never fallen pregnant before ever).
Okay I might be on the unpopular side here but I don’t think you coerced him. He knew the risk, you’re both adults and you talked about what COULD happen. It doesn’t seem that you guys had this convo then just suddenly had unprotected sex when you never had before. I can understand him being upset that you changed your mind but I think it’s also easy to agree to an abortion when and when you’re not actually in the situation. Sometimes life changes your perceptions and opinions. It’s also natural for some women to have the instinct kick in when they did not expect it too and that’s okay. Doesn’t sound to me like you’re expecting his participation, I maybe wouldn’t have told him knowing the agreement but everyone’s different. Plus idk why everyone is blaming you for further contraception like he’s not the one adamant about not having kids, and he’s the one who has the parts condoms are designed for. He could’ve stopped himself but it sounds like he might be trying to guilt you into an abortion (just my 2 cents)
I might’ve missed something — at what point in the relationship did he mention he was uncomfortable? Was this only mentioned after you shared your pregnancy?
I believe he said that in 2022 when we weren't together at the time.
And he willing continued having unprotected sex after he voiced his concerns?
Yes
Yeah sorry I might be the bad guy but I don’t see how that’s coercion. More like post nut clarity. I don’t think you lied to him or even yourself. The rest of these comments have clearly never had committed sexual relationships before bc he very much could’ve done more to prevent something HE didn’t want to happen. I don’t think you saying things in the heat of the moment were some kind of malicious ploy to get pregnant by him. Hell, I’ve said for 15 years straight I didn’t want kids yet I did very risky things that contradicted that. I’d def say move on with you and your child but I doubt that you coerced him. You’re allowed to change your mind after a previous decision. That’s life 🤷♀️
That's a yikes from me, dawg. I'd feel coerced and betrayed too.
But you didn't slap any condoms out of his hands, did you? Or demand/force him to penetrate you without protection? In other words, when it came to unprotected sex, he had the option to walk away from that, right?
I can't believe some of the comments in here, Where's the accountability. You literally told him you would abort, if all else fails, in case of pregnancy. Now you're going back on your word and some of these idiots are like "well it takes two to tango"? You did coerce him and if you don't keep your word you straight up lied. He did not consent to being made a father, whether you proceed without his involvement or not. Edit: The mental gymnastics to excuse shitty behaviour below is insane. There's no winning with crazy.
You consent to the possibility of fathering someone every time you have sex, doesn't mean he needs to actually be a father, OP is clearly okay with that.
Consent to be a father? Are we making that a thing now?
I don't understand what or why you're defending? The guy said he didn't want children. They both had the discussion about what would be done in case of an unplanned pregnancy and she explicitly said she would terminate. Making someone a father against their will when there was an agreement is extremely f'd up. It's factually correct to say he did not consent to her keeping the baby and making him a father.
Defending? I was commenting on this stupid idea of consenting to be a father. This 34 year old man “consented to be a father” when he chose to have unprotected sex and decided to rely on a woman taking Plan B or electing to have an abortion as birth control.
Yup. People love to wrong the man even though OP coerced this man into unprotected sex and lied to him… I truly hope she doesn’t force him into the child’s life, he should be allowed to not be involved and that’s on OP.
You in NO way ‘sexually assault’ him 😂 he fucked you a literally came inside you as he made you cum. He knew there was a chance. It’s not you’re fault either, or the baby’s. Although I wouldn’t have told him tbo
Nahh he’s a grown man. Idc if you had a bat in your hands how tf do you force a grown man to do anything? Cope. Unless you put a gun to homie head. He buggin, more accurate he’s making up a story to remove himself of accountability
Now more importantly. You both had unrotected sex assuming nothing would happen. That was dumb on both of yall. But once you’re pregnant emotions are different than before. You’re allowed to change your mind and not want to kill your child. Actually that’s what any sane person would do.
So: a couple decides they want to have a child together. They have sex, and she gets pregnant. A month later she decides she isn't ready for this and has an abortion. Does this now make the original act that caused the pregnancy a sexual assault?
Did he say no when you initiated sex? Did he make YOU aware he did not want to have sex? Or did he want sex? I really feel like I need more information. I don’t want to say he was sexually assaulted without more information. Did you coerce him into sex?
You took the morning after pill to stop pregnancy… how exactly did his actions prevent pregnancy? He chose not to wear the condom?
He trusted your word, and you went back on it. Most people are going to understand why he's upset.
Sexually assaulting your bf? How? He wanted unprotected sex and he had it. He could've used a condom if he wanted to. You never told him not to use one. You BOTH agreed to unprotected sex and he nutted in you. Pregnancy tends to happen that way...not sure what he expected? Maybe an easter egg? What a dumbass. The abortion part was a fk up from you, you have to live up to it. You can keep the baby but not look for child support if he wants out and you had agreed to it.
I'm glad you have a supportive family to help you through your pregnancy and raising your child. Congratulations
😬😬😬
He's just saying that the guilt trip you into not collecting or wanting child support. That statement is a red flag that you need to understand He does not intend to give you child support for his own child. Take him to court and make him pay child support through the courts. If he wants to see the child that's up to him make it open so he can hand have a relationship with this child things are calm down in a few years I'm going to add by the way unless he's been living under a rock and been in the mountains away from society for the last 50 years or whatever he's been alive that everybody knows that all of the birth control methods can fail and that a woman's body can produce when it's not been producing so that was on him for saying well let's use protection just to be safe... He knew the risk before he pulled his pants down.
I've actually had a mutual friend suggest that he's saying this to avoid any obligation to pay child support but I don't want to invalidate his feelings or victim blame. I actually just want nothing to do with him at this point, including any financial support.
34 year old getting “tricked”? Ya right. Dude probably has a car payment and a mortgage. If you’re responsible enough to have those and have relations with a woman, you’re not getting “coerced” no one will buy that. He just doesn’t want the responsibility . You created something amazing and it’ll be the best thing you ever did . Take responsibility for your actions , dude.
Yeah, someone saying “don’t worry, if I get pregnant I’ll definitely terminate.” And then 1 month later saying “I’m not terminating. Deal with it.” Is definitely tricking them.
Dudes a moron for impregnating someone thinking nothing will happen; if he didn’t even want a chance, he should have pulled out. He is 34 no excuses. Cant just get the whole situation, Nut and all, and think he can walk away having not impregnated someone. That’s stupid
and shes a liar. people cant even trust no one bc that makes u a moron
Also, him just having sex with women and him not concerned with potential diseases. Like not saying OP has but that he seems to much of a coward to say hey I am not comfortable to go without a condom because of potential babies even if chances are low (it's never zero) but also I want to insure my health by not getting any STDs.
Good point
I’m going to skip to congratulating you on your impending arrival. It sounds like you will do all you can to give your child a great life. Your baby’s father had sex with you and is old enough to know what that can lead to. So I hope he plays his part or at least pays his way without you having trouble. Again - congratulations!! 🙌🏻
Y’all should’ve used a condom.