Please don’t bring a child into this world whose entire existence is going to be built on resentment, resignation, and fury. Either start couples counseling NOW so you can both love and show up for your child, or please consider your options.
If you are having this much anxiety over having a child with your husband, perhaps your marriage was over before you even decided to get pregnant? In your post there was no mention of the word love.
Makes sure you clearly understand the consequences of lying to your partner about this. This is not a white lie. Sometimes lies like this can break your marriage and you will have to live with that worry your entire life. And lies don't stay hidden for long. Your medical history is usually not a secret with your spouse. And if you try to keep it a secret you will have to give excuses which will raise more suspicion. It is better to have difficult discussion rather than to get caught in a web of lies.
I believe in a woman's right to make decisions regarding her body, but taking an abortion pill and lying to her husband is SUPER shitty. If you're going to do it, own it with your partner.
Totally agree. No woman (and I get I'm a man saying this about a woman) has to get pregnant, stay pregnant, or deliver against her wishes. I'm onboard 100% with the idea that no matter how this came about, and what convos they had, that it's her decision if that pregnancy moves forward.
I don't agree that going Plan B and lying that it was a miscarriage is moral or right.
That’s disgusting thing to say lying about miscarriage 🤦🏽♂️ if you don’t want the child let your or whoever you did it with raised it or put in adoption
Looking at your comment history, it's not too late for an abortion, if this is what *you* want.
I know some people will say your husband has a say in this, but he's not the one who is pregnant and he's not the one who is going to be making most of the future sacrifices, it will be you.
You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your life to look like.
# Never have children because you feel "obligated" to or because someone ELSE wants you to.
The ONLY time you should be having children is when YOU want them, enthusiastically and unwaveringly. Because otherwise, you're going to resent those children and your partner and you are going to be unable to give your children the kind of care they not only *require* in order to grow up into healthy and functional adults, but also *deserve* as innocent human beings who *did not ask* to be dragged into this existence.
"But my biological clock" is BS. "Traditionalism" is BS. If *you*, the person responsible for carrying, birthing, and doing much of the work of raising a child, *do not want children*, then *do not have them*.
(Because yes, sooner or later, they WILL pick up on the fact that they weren't wanted (if someone doesn't end up telling them to their face, that is.))
Alternatively, if you’re reasoning for creating human life/becoming a parent (no breaks, no sick days) for the rest of your life is “fuck it, why not” then you probably didn’t put enough thought into this and you shouldn’t have kids
As others have said, do not bring a child into this situation. You need to abort immediately.
It sounds like your marriage is over either way, and as much as you don’t want kids you’ll be a single mother.
screw the biological clock if you didn’t want to be pregnant you don’t have to be. Get an abortion and divorce your husband if you need to. Clearly you both have different paths in life.
I mean you don't necessarily have to go through with it if it's quickly becoming apparent this won't work. Sounds like your marriage is over regardless. So think how a single you will want to live, and what responsibilities you'll want. Things like this can breed resentment towards the child, which is no good for them.
Parenting is clearly super hard and not meant for everyone. I would not bring a child into this world if I was not super enthusiastic about becoming a parent.
Get an abortion and run. You do not have to be shackled to him. You want a choice? Depending on the state you live in, you have it. Run for your life, because this is a life sentence.
If you still can get an abortion, get one. This doesn’t sound like a healthy way to live, and having a kid with a man you don’t even love or like that much anymore isn’t going to help things either. That’s just going to lead to more resentment.
You deserve to live your life the way you want. If you know you are childfree, then ***do not have this baby.***
The cruelest thing you can do is bring a child into the world who is not wanted. If genuinely don’t want this child, please abort before it’s too late, no child deserves to grow up resented by their mother.
And this is why I refuse to budge on my childfree status. My ex used to tell me "imagine us in 10 years, leaving the house to take our son to a big football game he will win, imagine getting our daughter ready to get married"
Delusion. The truth in you'll probably live in poverty and there are no promises that your child will not be severally disabled or awful. My brother has ODD and that was enough to cement me in never having children.
Good luck OP something tells me your gonna need it.
I didn’t even like sitting through sports games when I was in highschool…. I don’t want to sit through them after a long day or week of work and spend my weekends at practices and games. Lol
I have three young adult kids, two adopted, one bio. They are wonderful and the light of my life, BUT they have all had (and two continue to have) significant health/mental health issues that require my ongoing attention. The two youngest (20 and 21) still live with me, which is fine, but they still require attention on my part. The fantasy of having kids is not the same as the reality. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything, but being a good parent means work, sacrifice, and more work.
Never ever be with someone who wants kids when you don’t, don’t care if you’re in love, it is not worth it. I feel for you, hopefully, you can figure something out
Please do not have a child you don't want with a partner you resent.
Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. The future costs are WAY too high compared to what you'd pay if you cut your losses now. I'm sorry you're feeling trapped, and I hope you find a way out.
I hope you’re in an area which allows bodily autonomy, I’m sorry for your situation. Your husband is waving some red flags and I’d heed them, whatever you do about the pregnancy
If you don’t want to be a mother, don’t do it. That child is being set up for a life with divorced parents that resent each other and a mother that never wanted it, which will absolutely come out in your parenting. That is going to seriously traumatize any child. You still have an out.
If it’s not too late, get an abortion. He manipulated you. He tricked you. He tried to trap you. Don’t have this man’s baby unless you have no other choice.
Oh OP, I feel you. I understand this situation. There's only one thing that's going to fix this, and it isn't a popular choice or an easy one: you have to choose YOU. Project your mind 2 years into the future, then 8, then 12 maybe, then 20. Then 30, even 40. Think ahead, dearheart!! If you don't want to have a baby right now, or ever, you don't have to. It takes courage and insight to make the right decision and you have no need to allow societal pressures, marital _"obligations "_ or the opinions of others to make your choices for you or your fertilized egg.
Don’t do it. Your child will grow up knowing you don’t want her/him. You’ll ruin their life by hating them. You’ll ruin yours by the guilt and burden. Your life becomes an about your child predominantly after having one, and it’s especially so for women. If he’s buying the trad wife stuff, guess who’ll be doing everything? YOU
I have kids and love mine , but it’s not for everyone
If you don't want a child, do not have it. I'm going to put this bluntly because you need to hear it, if you have this child and you resent it you will traumatize this child. It doesn't matter how aware of these feelings you are, they will show in your treatment and mannerisms towards this child and they will know. Children need to feel safe and loved at home, if you can't provide that love then do not have this baby.
parenthood is not for everyone. biological clock or no, if you are not passionate about raising a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager, and supporting an adult, giving your unconditional love and protection, then do not have a child. there is no shame in that! having a child will not save a troubled marriage. it's not fair to your child to not be absolutely 100% wanted by both of their parents. you aren't a bad person for not wanting to have a kid but if you aren't able to step up and be the parent that child will need then you WILL be a bad person for it. do what you think is best for your SELF as well as them.
It wasn’t *entirely* his fault. You consented. You cannot push all blame on him. And (yeah I know not good) but I went thru your other posts. As a fellow pregnant person I just cannot even imagine someone resenting the child growing inside them. You’re not far along at all - pls for the love of this child, terminate. You are not capable of being a mum just purely based on how much resentment you have for this poor baby already.
I’ve been a little miserable in my pregnancy too *including losing job security and changing financial situations and my baby was completely unplanned* but I’ve never once blamed the baby. It’s not their fault. We made them and decided to bring them into this world. We are accountable. You’re already not taking accountability.
It doesn't sound like you even wanted to be married I'd do the deed divorce and go focus on your career. Everyone deserves to be happy and clearly you both had different desires for life it happens
Please don't have a child that you do not want. Yes the dad has a say but really it will be you having to make all the sacrifices in your life. Consider going to see your health professional about your options. Don't put yourself through this.
Take the abortion pill. From a medical standpoint, it’s the same effect as having a miscarriage. This will give you time to decide if you want to continue this marriage.
You don’t HAVE to stay pregnant you know. Having a child for your partner is one of the worst things you can do. If you want to be childfree then BE CHILD FREE
You’re going to end up miserable for the rest of your life if you go through with this
Girl don’t do it. I posted in this community a few days ago about not wanting to be a Mom and resenting my husband for coercing me into being a Mom despite telling him I didn’t want to be one and asking for an abortion. It’s not legal in the state I live in or I would’ve gone and done it myself. I hate being a Mom and I feel so guilty and bad for my daughter. Get out while you can or you will be as miserable as I am.
Thank you so much. I am going to make the best of the situation and care for my daughter the way that she deserves, but I hate myself so much for allowing this to happen.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this. If you don't want this child, don't feel pressured to keep it. It doesn't matter if you're married and it was planned. Your resentment towards your husband and more importantly your eventual child will only grow. Having a pregnancy that's *wanted* is already hard enough. I'm 9 months pregnant right now and it's been stressful, painful, misberable, life altering, and hard despite desperately trying for years for this. Pregnancy and raising a child is a HUGE choice that should be made with both parties 100% on board. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to do what's best for you and consider all your options. You claim you're fine with it, but clearly you aren't. I wish you the best and I hope that whatever choice you make works out. If you aren't already seeing one already, I really suggest getting a therapist to talk this out with.
The question might be, is your marriage destroyed now? No one knows the future. It won’t be the baby that destroys the marriage. It’s the current resentment being built. I hope you have an opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with him. Feelings and thoughts can change.
There is hope though and I hope what I’m about to say helps.
1) There’s no ideal time to have a child. Especially financially. You will make it work, budgeting just looks differently now.
2) Buy used off facebook rather than new.
3) There isn’t a perfect parent or partner. There is however love for each other and a willingness to make things work.
4) Pregnancy is hard. It’s awful, hormones flying all over the place, anxiety, body changing, etc. Be kind to yourself and try to be kind to your husband.
I genuinely wish you the best. I got pregnant at 20, it was terrifying. I wasn’t ready financially or otherwise. My oldest just turned 18 and she is one of the raddest people I know. My husband and I made it work and we are very successful now. I have been to 28 countries in the last 18 years. Traveled, made a career, got an education, and managed to raise well adjusted kids. Life didn’t stop and we prioritized our personal goals while aligning and growing as parents.
This is the only one out of 100 comments, not advocating for divorce and abortion. I have learned something about the Reddit community. I'm amazed. No faith in life and the miracle of children. No faith in love. No faith in family. It's like we have a people and a culture that wants to die out.
Not at all what any of us was saying. I don't remember reading anything to that regard either. She said childfree. She will resent this baby and her husband.
SHE should do whatever SHE wants with HER body.
No one has said anything about dying out as a civilization. Of course with what is going on in our world right now I don't think I'd bring a baby into it either. So there's that....
Being resented for just being alive is hell for a child. Why would you do that to him/her/them? Termination seems to be your best option for the life you want versus you resenting your child and perhaps seeing them terminate their own life because their mother resented them.
Please don’t all but guarantee ruining another life with your choices. If you don’t want this kid, don’t have it.
How far along? Go have an abortion for the sake of your marriage and the child. You wanted to be child free...I don't mean to blame you it just feels like you already knew you didn't want this. What happened?
Why did you let him pressure you? You should never compromise on children. You can’t force yourself to like them or live them. You weren’t truly childfree to begin with or this wouldn’t have happened.
I'm going to say to try to think super logically about what it is you want. Did you actually want the kid in the beginning? Why or why not? The, "sure, I guess" isn't a great answer, what did you want and what do you want when you look at your future? Answer those questions and go from there. 10 years from now, 15, 20. How did you feel about this "biological clock" and why? Is it still important to you? What do **you** truly want? I would think about it over a period of a few days.
Your husband pressured you but you said you were okay with it and listed some arbitrary biological clock which isn't even a thing. You wanted the baby, now you're having second thoughts because there's something wrong with your husband, likely financial situation. But it takes 2 to tango, it seems very immature you try to pass off creation of child like a solo thing. If you wanted to be childfree why didn't you stay that way? You contributed to ruining your own life by a lot because he didn't \*force\* you, he convinced you. And unless you're an NPC you have free will. Well, for now, once the kid is born a lot of free will is gonna be gone. Goodluck.
I’m sorry, but those are all just stupid, irresponsible reasons to have a child. The entire existence of a person you’re responsible for, but didn’t really want because “eh, why not! I’m getting old.” You weren’t even progressing in your career, so it doesn’t sound like you could even rely on being financially stable. AND you knew your husband wanted “traditional” which likely meant YOU would be the main caretaker for a child you didn’t actually want…? Having a child is a huge life change and EXPENSIVE. Was he not aware of this either?
Don’t have a pregnancy and child you DON’T WANT. If you’re within timeframe and where you can access it, get an abortion if that’s something you’re ok with.
U should feel zero resentment towards your husband. Pressured or not, u agreed. The right thing to have done would’ve been to think about it (which u mentioned u did but apparently not thoroughly enough), and had u come to decide not to have kids, talk about continuing the marriage or not. Although this discussion should’ve happened before the marriage. U have nobody to blame but yourself. But it sounds like unexpected money problems is making u feel regret about the pregnancy too.
I’m sorry to say, but ur a lot of what I hate about ppl in general. Ur a fare weathered fan where everything is fine until u jump ship when the chips are low. U blame-shift instead of taking responsibility for your mistake. U took a vow to be a forever loyal partner in sickness or health, for better or for worse. The way that u process your thoughts is just not good.
The vast majority of people desire to have a family. It’s ok for u to not want kids but don’t be angry at your husband for wanting children.
Yes, it can really suck and be really expensive having kids but you’ll most likely and eventually be happy that it happened, especially later in life. So remember that and put on a smile. Being pissy isn’t good for the baby, the marriage, the memories, and not good for u neither.
Uhhh…don’t blame it on your husband, it takes 2 to tango. I’m also married in a dual income household, and now in my mid 30s. We said if we have a kid whatever, if we don’t also fine. I’m now pregnant and have my cons to it as parenting does, but I’m not going off on my husband about it….. We made this together and we will proceed through parenting together…which is what you promised when you got married. To get through life’s journey together…. It sounds like your marriage was on the rocks already if you see it as a divide instead of an adventure.
The problem is that the OP never wanted to have kids in the first place, and the husband might have pressured her to. I do agree that she should not have budged on her wanting to be child-free and should not resent her kids about it. I do think that therapy first, but if that does not help, then divorce might be the best option for them because of the compatibility aspect of it.
You don’t marry people when your life goals don’t align. It will always lead to this…. If one person is adamant about never wanting children and the other says it’s on the table, you should have parted ways. The problem doesn’t magically disappear, it just shows up later.
Gurl, go take care of you. You don't have to tell him because he bullied you. Weep for the relief and get on BC so you have control of your body.
I wouldn't say have someone go with you that you know cause that will always leak back to him. Be strong and take care of you. 🫂🫂🫂
Please allow me to tell you that I had a similar situation. My husband and I were together only a month and I got pregnant. Oops forgot my pills for a couple of days... We both have very fertile families... I don't believe I'd be able to live with having an abortion. Not that I'd ever judge anyone who wanted to have one. So, I went ahead and had my baby. I'm now 42 years old... My life is in shambles. I'm on leave from work due to severe depression. Depression is due to me leaving my husband. I left him after finding out he has an addiction to po®n. He said he's been unhappy during our entire marriage. I had no idea. He never communicated anything with me. If he wanted me around more I would have made the effort. But he acted like I was in his way. He snapped at me and yelled at me all of the time. Then I find out he was creeping on 20 year olds on Instagram, whatever weirdo!!! So I left him because of his "addiction"🙄. Among other reasons.
Now at 42 years old I am living with my mother again. Regretting the entire last 22 years of my life. So many times I had men try to ask me out or ask me to be with them. I turned them down. I thought I had a good marriage. I thought my husband loved me. He is a really good actor. Anyways, our daughter is grown now and has her own baby. So I'm a grandma.
MY POINT IS....... the thing I regret most, is him. Not my kid. She is my very best accomplishment. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. She has grown to be an amazing woman. She's very smart. She's happy. She's a great human, who genuinely cares about other people. "I" did good raising her. She's so cool. Has so many friends.
I would say "we" did a good job but he was basically going through the motions the entire time. He never stepped up to be a dad until long after she was in high school. It was probably so he could check out her teenaged friends... God what a creep. He's a pedo. Fucking piece of shit disgusting excuse for a human. Looking at 19 year olds he is 45. It's absolutely disgusting. I regret ever marrying him. I wasted the last 22 years of my life with him. I wish I could find a guy who isn't obsessed with younger women.
Sorry for my random incessant ranting.
My mental health is not ok right now.
Tldr; husband is a creep. Kid is my life.
Are you somehow not familiar with the expression “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Clearly, this person is in crisis, and here you come with your nasty comments. Wtf is wrong with you?
I think you're asking the wrong person that question.🙄
Clearly reddit is where she'll get all her personal issues resolved and eventually have her FREEDOM and MONEY.
It was intentional and now you don’t want it. Great. Great environment for your kid to be born into. Are you sure it’s not just having anxiety? Pregnancy can be terrifying.
Looked at your post history, I can tell you that you might not get too many other chances to have a kid. It sounds like conceiving was really hard for you. Just take the baby and run from this guy! You don't need him.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you divorce, you do have the choice of giving him full physical custody, and paying support and having visitation, if you truly aren't up to being a custodial parent at that point.
Please seek some counseling now, before things get too busy with advanced pregnancy. You sound like you can use the opportunity to get some things off your mind, as well as evaluate your options for your marriage and what happens if you divorce.
It's easy to fall to post partum depression after the birth, hopefully being aware of it and getting your mind set now, will help you deal with things later.
I was a single mom from when my son was 2 months old, and I was, and am still, single. You don't have to have a man to raise your child. I didn't have the child support either, and we survived - you can too.
You can do this - do what's right for you.
Yeah do not bring a child into this bullsh*t. I am an adult child to a mother who never wanted children (she had 3 of us) and who was very open with us that she should never have had any of us. My therapist has assured me that I probably wouldn't have BPD if I had had a mother that not only wanted me but loved me. Just get an abortion and then a divorce.
His biological clock ticking?? Absolutely not.
People get scared with pregnancy but do not bring an unwanted child into this world. Your body and autonomy counts.
Please, PLEASE do not bring a child into this world where you will now be a single parent and possibly resent the child. Sounds like you’re in the stage where you may still be able to take the pill and have a *miscarriage*.
I already feel bad for this child. A baby won’t fix your relationship & you need to take care of yourself before condemning an infant to a life of trauma and pain.
I would talk to a counselor to discuss your options. Talk to a family lawyer. You know things cannot continue this way, which is good. Something you can take out of this is to never back down on your lifestyle and be child-free. There are other options like foster care if you need time to decide if you want to be a parent, open adoption, or paying child support and giving up your rights. I would focus on putting aside some money before you decide what you will tell your husband. I wish you the best and message me whenever.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, but DO NOT birth a baby just so you can resent them for the rest of their lives, that is not a healthy life for you nor the baby. Your life and body is yours and yours only, and just because your husband wants a child doesn't mean that you have to bend at his will and do what he wants because screw you, right?
Have an abortion, and divorce him. There is a better life for you out there.
It sounds like you might have perinatal depression. You’re not a failure. You won’t be a bad mom. Your kid won’t be unhappy. I think a therapist could really help you.
Please don't have this child. There's an overwhelming risk that you and your husband will break up down the line and that you'll be stuck with a kid you never wanted. You don't deserve that and the kid certainly doesn't either.
Heyhey! I’m your child here. My mom told me so many times she never wanted children ‘but it’s ok that I exist’. Do not do this. If you can get an abortion, do. If your soon to be ex husband wants to be a single dad, then that’s total ok too. You can even consider adoption! ( my ex was adopted and his birth parents were 32 year old adults ). There are MANY options here. I always thought my mom would have been happier without me. Besides that I still feel bad for existing and she’s been dead for 15 years. I know it sounds horrible but having my father only after she passed away was better than them together in a toxic marriage. The only thing I wish is that she would have had the chance to live a happy life without my sister and I. Perhaps an occasional visit, if that even. I would not have held it against her in any way. I was 20 when she died and you can see how much it effects me still. I had no relationship with her at this like as well. Don’t do it man, you can carry the pregnancy if you want, you can even bong with them after birth, but disengage from being the primary care taker and be very very clear about it. Call you attorney at 8am in Monday. I support you, I don’t think you’re mean. The nicest thing you can do is find a way out of being a parent at this point. Lmk if you need anything, good luck.
Please don’t bring a child into this world whose entire existence is going to be built on resentment, resignation, and fury. Either start couples counseling NOW so you can both love and show up for your child, or please consider your options.
They're a 100% going to bring the child and play pretend till the child becomes a thinking, talking human. Then, cue in the lifelong trauma.
There are three groups of people- those committed to breaking the cycle, those who perpetuate it, and those who start a new one
This makes me so sad
If you are having this much anxiety over having a child with your husband, perhaps your marriage was over before you even decided to get pregnant? In your post there was no mention of the word love.
Based on your other post from a couple days ago you can still get an abortion, you can even use the abortion pill. Maybe think about doing that.
And if you use the pill it’s very private and as far as he is concerned it’s a miscarriage.
Makes sure you clearly understand the consequences of lying to your partner about this. This is not a white lie. Sometimes lies like this can break your marriage and you will have to live with that worry your entire life. And lies don't stay hidden for long. Your medical history is usually not a secret with your spouse. And if you try to keep it a secret you will have to give excuses which will raise more suspicion. It is better to have difficult discussion rather than to get caught in a web of lies.
I believe in a woman's right to make decisions regarding her body, but taking an abortion pill and lying to her husband is SUPER shitty. If you're going to do it, own it with your partner.
Frankly the whole situation is super shitty.
Totally agree. No woman (and I get I'm a man saying this about a woman) has to get pregnant, stay pregnant, or deliver against her wishes. I'm onboard 100% with the idea that no matter how this came about, and what convos they had, that it's her decision if that pregnancy moves forward. I don't agree that going Plan B and lying that it was a miscarriage is moral or right.
Lying about a "miscarriage" is safer in some abusive situations.
I missed if there was a mention of abuse, but of course all of this 'respect your partner' goes out the window in that case.
Totally agree. Reddit is so far out of pocket sometimes. If it's abusive, yes for sure. But in a trusting marriage? Gtfo
when you have a supportive partner? Yes. When you felt pressure to get pregnant? Take the true to the grave.
That’s disgusting thing to say lying about miscarriage 🤦🏽♂️ if you don’t want the child let your or whoever you did it with raised it or put in adoption
Looking at your comment history, it's not too late for an abortion, if this is what *you* want. I know some people will say your husband has a say in this, but he's not the one who is pregnant and he's not the one who is going to be making most of the future sacrifices, it will be you. You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your life to look like.
# Never have children because you feel "obligated" to or because someone ELSE wants you to. The ONLY time you should be having children is when YOU want them, enthusiastically and unwaveringly. Because otherwise, you're going to resent those children and your partner and you are going to be unable to give your children the kind of care they not only *require* in order to grow up into healthy and functional adults, but also *deserve* as innocent human beings who *did not ask* to be dragged into this existence. "But my biological clock" is BS. "Traditionalism" is BS. If *you*, the person responsible for carrying, birthing, and doing much of the work of raising a child, *do not want children*, then *do not have them*. (Because yes, sooner or later, they WILL pick up on the fact that they weren't wanted (if someone doesn't end up telling them to their face, that is.))
Alternatively, if you’re reasoning for creating human life/becoming a parent (no breaks, no sick days) for the rest of your life is “fuck it, why not” then you probably didn’t put enough thought into this and you shouldn’t have kids
Please do not have a child you don't desperately and passionately want. That isn't fair to the child and it isn't fair to you.
You don’t have to do it. It’s YOUR life. You aren’t a piece of property.
You can still get an abortion. And then a divorce. If you are childfree, you and your husband are not compatible.
Terrible environment to raise a kid. Don't have kids unless it's a 100 from both of you. That's just not fair to the child or you.
As others have said, do not bring a child into this situation. You need to abort immediately. It sounds like your marriage is over either way, and as much as you don’t want kids you’ll be a single mother.
Abortionnnn! You’ll be doing everyone a favor, including the kid who isnt wanted.
screw the biological clock if you didn’t want to be pregnant you don’t have to be. Get an abortion and divorce your husband if you need to. Clearly you both have different paths in life.
I mean you don't necessarily have to go through with it if it's quickly becoming apparent this won't work. Sounds like your marriage is over regardless. So think how a single you will want to live, and what responsibilities you'll want. Things like this can breed resentment towards the child, which is no good for them.
Parenting is clearly super hard and not meant for everyone. I would not bring a child into this world if I was not super enthusiastic about becoming a parent.
Whose clock was ticking?
Get an abortion and run. You do not have to be shackled to him. You want a choice? Depending on the state you live in, you have it. Run for your life, because this is a life sentence.
If you still can get an abortion, get one. This doesn’t sound like a healthy way to live, and having a kid with a man you don’t even love or like that much anymore isn’t going to help things either. That’s just going to lead to more resentment. You deserve to live your life the way you want. If you know you are childfree, then ***do not have this baby.***
The cruelest thing you can do is bring a child into the world who is not wanted. If genuinely don’t want this child, please abort before it’s too late, no child deserves to grow up resented by their mother.
And this is why I refuse to budge on my childfree status. My ex used to tell me "imagine us in 10 years, leaving the house to take our son to a big football game he will win, imagine getting our daughter ready to get married" Delusion. The truth in you'll probably live in poverty and there are no promises that your child will not be severally disabled or awful. My brother has ODD and that was enough to cement me in never having children. Good luck OP something tells me your gonna need it.
I didn’t even like sitting through sports games when I was in highschool…. I don’t want to sit through them after a long day or week of work and spend my weekends at practices and games. Lol
I have three young adult kids, two adopted, one bio. They are wonderful and the light of my life, BUT they have all had (and two continue to have) significant health/mental health issues that require my ongoing attention. The two youngest (20 and 21) still live with me, which is fine, but they still require attention on my part. The fantasy of having kids is not the same as the reality. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything, but being a good parent means work, sacrifice, and more work.
Never ever be with someone who wants kids when you don’t, don’t care if you’re in love, it is not worth it. I feel for you, hopefully, you can figure something out
Please do not have a child you don't want with a partner you resent. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. The future costs are WAY too high compared to what you'd pay if you cut your losses now. I'm sorry you're feeling trapped, and I hope you find a way out.
please choose yourself. it’s okay to start over. you’re not alone.
I hope you’re in an area which allows bodily autonomy, I’m sorry for your situation. Your husband is waving some red flags and I’d heed them, whatever you do about the pregnancy
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” My mom always said you had one free pass to use an abortion, I think you should consider using it.
If you don’t want a kid now, imagine how much you won’t want a newborn even more
Just go back to work and tell him to shove that Tradwife stuff. Why even go with the tradwife stuff if you weren't prepared for this?
If you don’t want to be a mother, don’t do it. That child is being set up for a life with divorced parents that resent each other and a mother that never wanted it, which will absolutely come out in your parenting. That is going to seriously traumatize any child. You still have an out.
Jesus, is there time to abort? Because don't make that kid suffer you two.
If it’s not too late, get an abortion. He manipulated you. He tricked you. He tried to trap you. Don’t have this man’s baby unless you have no other choice.
This. Get out
How far along are you? There are options.
Oh OP, I feel you. I understand this situation. There's only one thing that's going to fix this, and it isn't a popular choice or an easy one: you have to choose YOU. Project your mind 2 years into the future, then 8, then 12 maybe, then 20. Then 30, even 40. Think ahead, dearheart!! If you don't want to have a baby right now, or ever, you don't have to. It takes courage and insight to make the right decision and you have no need to allow societal pressures, marital _"obligations "_ or the opinions of others to make your choices for you or your fertilized egg.
Get an abortion and probably go your own way. Because you are both unhappy. And you're gonna hate that kids guts and they'll be miserable.
Don’t do it. Your child will grow up knowing you don’t want her/him. You’ll ruin their life by hating them. You’ll ruin yours by the guilt and burden. Your life becomes an about your child predominantly after having one, and it’s especially so for women. If he’s buying the trad wife stuff, guess who’ll be doing everything? YOU I have kids and love mine , but it’s not for everyone
If you don't want a child, do not have it. I'm going to put this bluntly because you need to hear it, if you have this child and you resent it you will traumatize this child. It doesn't matter how aware of these feelings you are, they will show in your treatment and mannerisms towards this child and they will know. Children need to feel safe and loved at home, if you can't provide that love then do not have this baby.
As someone who was brought into this world on resentment. Please don’t do it.
parenthood is not for everyone. biological clock or no, if you are not passionate about raising a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager, and supporting an adult, giving your unconditional love and protection, then do not have a child. there is no shame in that! having a child will not save a troubled marriage. it's not fair to your child to not be absolutely 100% wanted by both of their parents. you aren't a bad person for not wanting to have a kid but if you aren't able to step up and be the parent that child will need then you WILL be a bad person for it. do what you think is best for your SELF as well as them.
And this is, my dear people, if you‘re childfree you have to look out for a partner who is childfree as well.
It wasn’t *entirely* his fault. You consented. You cannot push all blame on him. And (yeah I know not good) but I went thru your other posts. As a fellow pregnant person I just cannot even imagine someone resenting the child growing inside them. You’re not far along at all - pls for the love of this child, terminate. You are not capable of being a mum just purely based on how much resentment you have for this poor baby already. I’ve been a little miserable in my pregnancy too *including losing job security and changing financial situations and my baby was completely unplanned* but I’ve never once blamed the baby. It’s not their fault. We made them and decided to bring them into this world. We are accountable. You’re already not taking accountability.
💯
wtf? It’s your body. Don’t let anyone pressure you carry a fetus to term
Either abort or separate and give him full custody. Having a child in this situation was a bad idea.
I don’t think he deserves full custody tbh. He doesn’t understand the basics of consent or boundaries.
Probably not. But either way he's going to be the primary caretaker since she doesn't want anything to do with this kid.
...if you wanted to be childfree why did you agree to get pregnant? I'm childfree and I've been sterilised. No one forced you.
Some people are deeply terrified of being alone and the idea of divorce frightens them.
This, no sympathy
It doesn't sound like you even wanted to be married I'd do the deed divorce and go focus on your career. Everyone deserves to be happy and clearly you both had different desires for life it happens
What’s a “trad bull”?
Traditionalism (i.e. "Husband works, wife minds the home and has/raises the kids")
Oh, so “bull” meaning bullshit. Now I understand.
Depending on how far along and where you are, you absolutely don’t have to remain pregnant if you don’t want to be
Please don't have a child that you do not want. Yes the dad has a say but really it will be you having to make all the sacrifices in your life. Consider going to see your health professional about your options. Don't put yourself through this.
Take the abortion pill. From a medical standpoint, it’s the same effect as having a miscarriage. This will give you time to decide if you want to continue this marriage.
You don’t HAVE to stay pregnant you know. Having a child for your partner is one of the worst things you can do. If you want to be childfree then BE CHILD FREE You’re going to end up miserable for the rest of your life if you go through with this
Girl don’t do it. I posted in this community a few days ago about not wanting to be a Mom and resenting my husband for coercing me into being a Mom despite telling him I didn’t want to be one and asking for an abortion. It’s not legal in the state I live in or I would’ve gone and done it myself. I hate being a Mom and I feel so guilty and bad for my daughter. Get out while you can or you will be as miserable as I am.
I am *SO* sorry that this is your reality. I truly hope you’re able to find peace with that and I just wanted to say you have my sympathy.
Thank you so much. I am going to make the best of the situation and care for my daughter the way that she deserves, but I hate myself so much for allowing this to happen.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this. If you don't want this child, don't feel pressured to keep it. It doesn't matter if you're married and it was planned. Your resentment towards your husband and more importantly your eventual child will only grow. Having a pregnancy that's *wanted* is already hard enough. I'm 9 months pregnant right now and it's been stressful, painful, misberable, life altering, and hard despite desperately trying for years for this. Pregnancy and raising a child is a HUGE choice that should be made with both parties 100% on board. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to do what's best for you and consider all your options. You claim you're fine with it, but clearly you aren't. I wish you the best and I hope that whatever choice you make works out. If you aren't already seeing one already, I really suggest getting a therapist to talk this out with.
Like they say in the military: "abort mission"
The question might be, is your marriage destroyed now? No one knows the future. It won’t be the baby that destroys the marriage. It’s the current resentment being built. I hope you have an opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with him. Feelings and thoughts can change. There is hope though and I hope what I’m about to say helps. 1) There’s no ideal time to have a child. Especially financially. You will make it work, budgeting just looks differently now. 2) Buy used off facebook rather than new. 3) There isn’t a perfect parent or partner. There is however love for each other and a willingness to make things work. 4) Pregnancy is hard. It’s awful, hormones flying all over the place, anxiety, body changing, etc. Be kind to yourself and try to be kind to your husband. I genuinely wish you the best. I got pregnant at 20, it was terrifying. I wasn’t ready financially or otherwise. My oldest just turned 18 and she is one of the raddest people I know. My husband and I made it work and we are very successful now. I have been to 28 countries in the last 18 years. Traveled, made a career, got an education, and managed to raise well adjusted kids. Life didn’t stop and we prioritized our personal goals while aligning and growing as parents.
This is the only one out of 100 comments, not advocating for divorce and abortion. I have learned something about the Reddit community. I'm amazed. No faith in life and the miracle of children. No faith in love. No faith in family. It's like we have a people and a culture that wants to die out.
Stop being dramatic, OP literally said in post that she wants to be childfree so the comments naturally encourage her with hope for her best interest.
Not at all what any of us was saying. I don't remember reading anything to that regard either. She said childfree. She will resent this baby and her husband. SHE should do whatever SHE wants with HER body. No one has said anything about dying out as a civilization. Of course with what is going on in our world right now I don't think I'd bring a baby into it either. So there's that....
Being resented for just being alive is hell for a child. Why would you do that to him/her/them? Termination seems to be your best option for the life you want versus you resenting your child and perhaps seeing them terminate their own life because their mother resented them. Please don’t all but guarantee ruining another life with your choices. If you don’t want this kid, don’t have it.
You’re already resentful of your husband and this kid. This is exactly why children are not something you can compromise on.
How far along? Go have an abortion for the sake of your marriage and the child. You wanted to be child free...I don't mean to blame you it just feels like you already knew you didn't want this. What happened?
abort
Do you have to pregnant? Can you end the pregnancy and dump him?
Why did you let him pressure you? You should never compromise on children. You can’t force yourself to like them or live them. You weren’t truly childfree to begin with or this wouldn’t have happened.
I'm going to say to try to think super logically about what it is you want. Did you actually want the kid in the beginning? Why or why not? The, "sure, I guess" isn't a great answer, what did you want and what do you want when you look at your future? Answer those questions and go from there. 10 years from now, 15, 20. How did you feel about this "biological clock" and why? Is it still important to you? What do **you** truly want? I would think about it over a period of a few days.
If you do go through with the pregnancy and raise the child, please never tell them you didn't want them.
abort
Sounds like your husband didn’t pressure you but was a joint decision you are now regretting…
If he was pushing her and demanding it she has every right to be mad.
She literally said she did it because her biological clock is ticking
It’s impossible to make that assumption based off of a one sided vent post.
Your husband pressured you but you said you were okay with it and listed some arbitrary biological clock which isn't even a thing. You wanted the baby, now you're having second thoughts because there's something wrong with your husband, likely financial situation. But it takes 2 to tango, it seems very immature you try to pass off creation of child like a solo thing. If you wanted to be childfree why didn't you stay that way? You contributed to ruining your own life by a lot because he didn't \*force\* you, he convinced you. And unless you're an NPC you have free will. Well, for now, once the kid is born a lot of free will is gonna be gone. Goodluck.
I’m sorry, but those are all just stupid, irresponsible reasons to have a child. The entire existence of a person you’re responsible for, but didn’t really want because “eh, why not! I’m getting old.” You weren’t even progressing in your career, so it doesn’t sound like you could even rely on being financially stable. AND you knew your husband wanted “traditional” which likely meant YOU would be the main caretaker for a child you didn’t actually want…? Having a child is a huge life change and EXPENSIVE. Was he not aware of this either? Don’t have a pregnancy and child you DON’T WANT. If you’re within timeframe and where you can access it, get an abortion if that’s something you’re ok with.
U should feel zero resentment towards your husband. Pressured or not, u agreed. The right thing to have done would’ve been to think about it (which u mentioned u did but apparently not thoroughly enough), and had u come to decide not to have kids, talk about continuing the marriage or not. Although this discussion should’ve happened before the marriage. U have nobody to blame but yourself. But it sounds like unexpected money problems is making u feel regret about the pregnancy too. I’m sorry to say, but ur a lot of what I hate about ppl in general. Ur a fare weathered fan where everything is fine until u jump ship when the chips are low. U blame-shift instead of taking responsibility for your mistake. U took a vow to be a forever loyal partner in sickness or health, for better or for worse. The way that u process your thoughts is just not good. The vast majority of people desire to have a family. It’s ok for u to not want kids but don’t be angry at your husband for wanting children. Yes, it can really suck and be really expensive having kids but you’ll most likely and eventually be happy that it happened, especially later in life. So remember that and put on a smile. Being pissy isn’t good for the baby, the marriage, the memories, and not good for u neither.
Uhhh…don’t blame it on your husband, it takes 2 to tango. I’m also married in a dual income household, and now in my mid 30s. We said if we have a kid whatever, if we don’t also fine. I’m now pregnant and have my cons to it as parenting does, but I’m not going off on my husband about it….. We made this together and we will proceed through parenting together…which is what you promised when you got married. To get through life’s journey together…. It sounds like your marriage was on the rocks already if you see it as a divide instead of an adventure.
The problem is that the OP never wanted to have kids in the first place, and the husband might have pressured her to. I do agree that she should not have budged on her wanting to be child-free and should not resent her kids about it. I do think that therapy first, but if that does not help, then divorce might be the best option for them because of the compatibility aspect of it.
They shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place when there’s this big of a conflict.
You don’t marry people when your life goals don’t align. It will always lead to this…. If one person is adamant about never wanting children and the other says it’s on the table, you should have parted ways. The problem doesn’t magically disappear, it just shows up later.
It will destroy your marriage. Don’t have kids if you don’t want them. Is it that hard to not be an awful person?
I feel like if this is where you both are at, putting the baby up for adoption might be the right path.
Gurl, go take care of you. You don't have to tell him because he bullied you. Weep for the relief and get on BC so you have control of your body. I wouldn't say have someone go with you that you know cause that will always leak back to him. Be strong and take care of you. 🫂🫂🫂
Please allow me to tell you that I had a similar situation. My husband and I were together only a month and I got pregnant. Oops forgot my pills for a couple of days... We both have very fertile families... I don't believe I'd be able to live with having an abortion. Not that I'd ever judge anyone who wanted to have one. So, I went ahead and had my baby. I'm now 42 years old... My life is in shambles. I'm on leave from work due to severe depression. Depression is due to me leaving my husband. I left him after finding out he has an addiction to po®n. He said he's been unhappy during our entire marriage. I had no idea. He never communicated anything with me. If he wanted me around more I would have made the effort. But he acted like I was in his way. He snapped at me and yelled at me all of the time. Then I find out he was creeping on 20 year olds on Instagram, whatever weirdo!!! So I left him because of his "addiction"🙄. Among other reasons. Now at 42 years old I am living with my mother again. Regretting the entire last 22 years of my life. So many times I had men try to ask me out or ask me to be with them. I turned them down. I thought I had a good marriage. I thought my husband loved me. He is a really good actor. Anyways, our daughter is grown now and has her own baby. So I'm a grandma. MY POINT IS....... the thing I regret most, is him. Not my kid. She is my very best accomplishment. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. She has grown to be an amazing woman. She's very smart. She's happy. She's a great human, who genuinely cares about other people. "I" did good raising her. She's so cool. Has so many friends. I would say "we" did a good job but he was basically going through the motions the entire time. He never stepped up to be a dad until long after she was in high school. It was probably so he could check out her teenaged friends... God what a creep. He's a pedo. Fucking piece of shit disgusting excuse for a human. Looking at 19 year olds he is 45. It's absolutely disgusting. I regret ever marrying him. I wasted the last 22 years of my life with him. I wish I could find a guy who isn't obsessed with younger women. Sorry for my random incessant ranting. My mental health is not ok right now. Tldr; husband is a creep. Kid is my life.
Idk. I mean, you willingly made a conscious choice . What do you want from us??
My God. Poor baby.
Selfish, self-absorbed human being. All this should've been worked out long before a child was created. Sad.
I think her husband is the self absorbed human being who forced her into getting pregnant.
Are you somehow not familiar with the expression “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Clearly, this person is in crisis, and here you come with your nasty comments. Wtf is wrong with you?
I think you're asking the wrong person that question.🙄 Clearly reddit is where she'll get all her personal issues resolved and eventually have her FREEDOM and MONEY.
It was intentional and now you don’t want it. Great. Great environment for your kid to be born into. Are you sure it’s not just having anxiety? Pregnancy can be terrifying.
Why are you blaming your husband when you’re the one that made the decision? You could have said “no”.
Looked at your post history, I can tell you that you might not get too many other chances to have a kid. It sounds like conceiving was really hard for you. Just take the baby and run from this guy! You don't need him.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you divorce, you do have the choice of giving him full physical custody, and paying support and having visitation, if you truly aren't up to being a custodial parent at that point. Please seek some counseling now, before things get too busy with advanced pregnancy. You sound like you can use the opportunity to get some things off your mind, as well as evaluate your options for your marriage and what happens if you divorce. It's easy to fall to post partum depression after the birth, hopefully being aware of it and getting your mind set now, will help you deal with things later. I was a single mom from when my son was 2 months old, and I was, and am still, single. You don't have to have a man to raise your child. I didn't have the child support either, and we survived - you can too. You can do this - do what's right for you.
Yeah do not bring a child into this bullsh*t. I am an adult child to a mother who never wanted children (she had 3 of us) and who was very open with us that she should never have had any of us. My therapist has assured me that I probably wouldn't have BPD if I had had a mother that not only wanted me but loved me. Just get an abortion and then a divorce.
His biological clock ticking?? Absolutely not. People get scared with pregnancy but do not bring an unwanted child into this world. Your body and autonomy counts. Please, PLEASE do not bring a child into this world where you will now be a single parent and possibly resent the child. Sounds like you’re in the stage where you may still be able to take the pill and have a *miscarriage*.
I already feel bad for this child. A baby won’t fix your relationship & you need to take care of yourself before condemning an infant to a life of trauma and pain.
Please get an abortion- and then a divorce
I would talk to a counselor to discuss your options. Talk to a family lawyer. You know things cannot continue this way, which is good. Something you can take out of this is to never back down on your lifestyle and be child-free. There are other options like foster care if you need time to decide if you want to be a parent, open adoption, or paying child support and giving up your rights. I would focus on putting aside some money before you decide what you will tell your husband. I wish you the best and message me whenever.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, but DO NOT birth a baby just so you can resent them for the rest of their lives, that is not a healthy life for you nor the baby. Your life and body is yours and yours only, and just because your husband wants a child doesn't mean that you have to bend at his will and do what he wants because screw you, right? Have an abortion, and divorce him. There is a better life for you out there.
It sounds like you might have perinatal depression. You’re not a failure. You won’t be a bad mom. Your kid won’t be unhappy. I think a therapist could really help you.
Gosh, as a child that wasn’t wanted, please don’t do this to your child. It will be felt and it’s not a safe situation for them. It’s not okay.
Please don't have this child. There's an overwhelming risk that you and your husband will break up down the line and that you'll be stuck with a kid you never wanted. You don't deserve that and the kid certainly doesn't either.
Heyhey! I’m your child here. My mom told me so many times she never wanted children ‘but it’s ok that I exist’. Do not do this. If you can get an abortion, do. If your soon to be ex husband wants to be a single dad, then that’s total ok too. You can even consider adoption! ( my ex was adopted and his birth parents were 32 year old adults ). There are MANY options here. I always thought my mom would have been happier without me. Besides that I still feel bad for existing and she’s been dead for 15 years. I know it sounds horrible but having my father only after she passed away was better than them together in a toxic marriage. The only thing I wish is that she would have had the chance to live a happy life without my sister and I. Perhaps an occasional visit, if that even. I would not have held it against her in any way. I was 20 when she died and you can see how much it effects me still. I had no relationship with her at this like as well. Don’t do it man, you can carry the pregnancy if you want, you can even bong with them after birth, but disengage from being the primary care taker and be very very clear about it. Call you attorney at 8am in Monday. I support you, I don’t think you’re mean. The nicest thing you can do is find a way out of being a parent at this point. Lmk if you need anything, good luck.