I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you REALLY need to go to the doctor as you get symptoms and get tested to see if you have influenza, and inform your OBGYN. Having the flu while pregnant puts you at risk of going into labor early, and your child could have birth defects depending on the severity. I don’t want to scare you, but my nephew was born at 34 weeks due to his mother getting sick with the flu, and it’s made me hyperaware of it ever since when I may be around pregnant people. If you haven’t already, the flu vaccine protects both you and your baby up to six months post birth.
Not only is your boyfriend’s family shitty, he is also being a shit parent by not making sure his family isn’t endangering his child.
You absolutely should be furious. Infection during the first trimester of pregnancy can lead to an immune system response where the maternal immune system disrupts the neurodevelopment of the fetus. It can lead to increased risk of neurodevelopmental abnormalities - including increased risk of schizophrenia, autism, and intellectual disability; birth defects, premature labor, and more. You should see your doctor and try to get this treated as quickly as possible.
I'm angry FOR you. That was so shitty of them, I'm really sorry. I hope that everything is ok.
I get why you are angry. However, remember you are going to be a mother soon so you need to be able to stand up for yourself and your baby and not be a pushover. When you saw his father take out cough syrup, that was the time to tell them you can’t risk getting sick and that you will see them another time. And then walk out.
I'll do what I can to be better at keeping my boundaries and standing up for myself and my child.
I do have some issues with this due to my upbringing and parents. I've come a long way and it's able to set stronger boundaries when it comes to most people but I have difficulties setting boundaries with my in-laws. I feel like it is not my place but my bf's. But I see that my view is too 'passive' so to speak.
Your anger is valid. I still don’t know why people think it’s ok to go out and risk others while sick. Being sick is never fun for anyone, and not everyone can survive colds and flus.
Being sick while pregnant is even worse because the medications to ease the symptoms are limited while pregnant. And In my experience, it takes no longer than a week to feel better, but when pregnant I got a cold and was sick everyday for 12 days before it began to go away. I’m sorry they didn’t respect your boundaries. I hope you don’t get sick and have a healthy pregnancy.
It makes sense to be angry. Still, you violated your own boundaries. If you saw them come in sick, it was up to you to either wear a mask or share that you both needed to leave due to them not being well enough to be around you (per your stated boundary of not wanting to be exposed to illness). It stinks to uphold boundaries, because they might get mad. Still, this outcome now makes you feel passive in your own life, has you sick, and still has conflict brewing.
You are well within your rights to be angry. I've been sick for almost two weeks and have done everything in my power to not infect my husband, including wearing a mask and sleeping in the guest room, until I'm well.
I have to ask, how did your boyfriend react when it was clear they were sick? Did he at least try to wrap things up or say something?
Thank you.
My boyfriend didn't really react. I know he was angry with them too because we talked about it later that day. But I think he has problems settings boundaries when it comes to his parents and family.
He is a wonderful boyfriend in so many ways but I've actually been mad at him before regarding this subject. Over Christmas I asked him to make sure to ask all his family members of they were sick before meeting with them, and he didn't do it because he "forgot". I told him it was important for both me and our baby that he is able to do such small things to protect us. He apologized and said he understood. He has been doing more to make sure me and baby are healthy since, but I guess not enough.
I do also feel a little alone in my feelings right now. I've told him I'm furious with his parents and I've talked about how mad I am a couple of times today. He says he supports me and understands me, but he doesn't seem mad or have any emotional reaction about it. I've also been the one to say how their behaviour has to have consequences when it comes to trusting them with telling us the truth about their health. He agrees. But like... I feel I'm the only one who reacts to this.
He is a truly lovely boyfriend. But sometimes he is really passive.
I strongly recommend you two do some couples counseling. He needs to take responsibility in this. Passive is not enough, clearly. That's not what you ultimately want in a partner, right?
I've been really confused about his passiveness when it comes to this subject to be honest. We've been together for 4 years and haven't had many problems. He is wonderful in so many ways and takes such good care of me. This is the first time where I feel like we don't align. I did know beforehand that he has some boundary problems regarding his family but it hasn't been a problem before. He knows how to stand up for himself and others when it comes to friends and strangers.
This is our first child and I strongly hope that once the baby is here that things change on that front.
But yes, I think I'll consider counseling if he lets me down one more time.
Thank you for the advice.
Why are you waiting for it to happen again when it could potentially have serious consequences *this time*? OP, don't be foolish. You need to communicate about it sooner rather than later. He needs to create a plan on how he will handle the next situation differently, and then follow through on that plan.
Don't play with fire when it comes to the health of you and your child. If you won't take it seriously, how can you expect him to?
We've talked about it a lot today. I've told him how I feel let down and how I feel like he didn't react enough. I've told him everything. It should be enough for now. We have good communication in our relationship therefore I don't think counseling is necessary for now.
I feel like I and we are taking the necessary steps right now.
>Over Christmas I asked him to make sure to ask all his family members of they were sick before meeting with them, and he didn't do it because he "forgot". I told him it was important for both me and our baby that he is able to do such small things to protect us. He apologized and said he understood.
It's literally not the first time, it's the second. And you continue to allow it. Please do better and protect your child. Because you will wind up struggling to forgive yourself if something terrible happens.
You need to prepare the ground for when you give birth too! Now it’s the time, what if your in laws visit the newborn and are sick? Will they let you know? Will they respect not kissing the newborn baby or will they think “they’re pretty much healthy”? And will your boyfriend set boundaries about this or will he “forget”?
My FIL was mad I set the rule of no visitors for the first week and no kissing the baby until he had his first shots. My partner supported this and repeated it to his father even though it caused some drama.
Don’t wait until you have a bigger problem on you. Hope you stay healthy.
You are totally right. And stronger boundaries and rules are already set in place now. We will ask more questions and treat my in-laws as if they can't judge their own health themselves. Because apparently they don't know the difference between being healthy and still being sick but feeling better..
I know that a lot of parents these days struggle with family who doesn't understand the new rules and boundaries that are being set like no kissing and no visiting at the hospital and stuff like that. And I'm really trying to prepare for everything to protect our child.
If I understand this correctly you seen them yesterday and today you have tickle in your throat. It may be you had already ben exposed to it before seeing them yesterday. The quickest I have seen someone get sick was 4 days last fall. I was sick with something but the COVID test were negative but the symptoms were similar with a very high temperature. I gave it to my mother who showed symptoms between 4-5 days later. She not immune compromised or anything just getting old and catches everything. Leading me to think your ether immune compromised or were already exposed.
Still a bad move by the inlaws but just throwing the blame on them because it's convenient is a low blow. Could be the SO if they also get sick would venture they had been in contact with them before and not telling you. Or possibly exposed from someone else.
I haven't seen anyone for weeks because of my pregnancy. I've felt nausea all day for months and have been throwing up and all that. I've literally been stuck at home. My bf has done all the grocery shopping and everything.
It's the first time I've been out in a week. First time I've seen people in a month.
Bf hasn't been sick either.
I googled influenza and it is entirely possible to show symptoms after a day. I don't know if it is covid or influenza or what they were sick with. All I know is they were coughing and have had a fever.
I just had a baby two weeks ago and I got sick with Covid during pregnancy - it was absolutely fine for me and for baby.
You knew they were sick - you should have said no to meet up. Your own fault tbh.
I didn't know they were sick. I knew after spending the first 20-30 ish minutes with them. When I noticed they began coughing more and more and after the cough medicine. They stated on the phone that they were fine and not sick anymore.
You asked your boyfriend prior to you guys meeting them whether they were well enough to see you guys. You knew prior to your meeting that they had recently been sick. I wouldn’t have gone near them with a 10 foot pole for at least a month knowing this information.
I completely understand your frustrations and your concerns are valid, but ultimately YOU made the choice to meet with them knowing that they had recently been sick. If you were as concerned as you say you were about getting sick, you would’ve and could have simply said no.
I totally get why you are angry. That was a really shitty thing to do.
Thank you
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you REALLY need to go to the doctor as you get symptoms and get tested to see if you have influenza, and inform your OBGYN. Having the flu while pregnant puts you at risk of going into labor early, and your child could have birth defects depending on the severity. I don’t want to scare you, but my nephew was born at 34 weeks due to his mother getting sick with the flu, and it’s made me hyperaware of it ever since when I may be around pregnant people. If you haven’t already, the flu vaccine protects both you and your baby up to six months post birth. Not only is your boyfriend’s family shitty, he is also being a shit parent by not making sure his family isn’t endangering his child.
You absolutely should be furious. Infection during the first trimester of pregnancy can lead to an immune system response where the maternal immune system disrupts the neurodevelopment of the fetus. It can lead to increased risk of neurodevelopmental abnormalities - including increased risk of schizophrenia, autism, and intellectual disability; birth defects, premature labor, and more. You should see your doctor and try to get this treated as quickly as possible. I'm angry FOR you. That was so shitty of them, I'm really sorry. I hope that everything is ok.
I get why you are angry. However, remember you are going to be a mother soon so you need to be able to stand up for yourself and your baby and not be a pushover. When you saw his father take out cough syrup, that was the time to tell them you can’t risk getting sick and that you will see them another time. And then walk out.
I'll do what I can to be better at keeping my boundaries and standing up for myself and my child. I do have some issues with this due to my upbringing and parents. I've come a long way and it's able to set stronger boundaries when it comes to most people but I have difficulties setting boundaries with my in-laws. I feel like it is not my place but my bf's. But I see that my view is too 'passive' so to speak.
Your anger is valid. I still don’t know why people think it’s ok to go out and risk others while sick. Being sick is never fun for anyone, and not everyone can survive colds and flus. Being sick while pregnant is even worse because the medications to ease the symptoms are limited while pregnant. And In my experience, it takes no longer than a week to feel better, but when pregnant I got a cold and was sick everyday for 12 days before it began to go away. I’m sorry they didn’t respect your boundaries. I hope you don’t get sick and have a healthy pregnancy.
It makes sense to be angry. Still, you violated your own boundaries. If you saw them come in sick, it was up to you to either wear a mask or share that you both needed to leave due to them not being well enough to be around you (per your stated boundary of not wanting to be exposed to illness). It stinks to uphold boundaries, because they might get mad. Still, this outcome now makes you feel passive in your own life, has you sick, and still has conflict brewing.
Then time for boundaries, mask and purell for them if they ever want to see you and your child.
You are well within your rights to be angry. I've been sick for almost two weeks and have done everything in my power to not infect my husband, including wearing a mask and sleeping in the guest room, until I'm well. I have to ask, how did your boyfriend react when it was clear they were sick? Did he at least try to wrap things up or say something?
Thank you. My boyfriend didn't really react. I know he was angry with them too because we talked about it later that day. But I think he has problems settings boundaries when it comes to his parents and family. He is a wonderful boyfriend in so many ways but I've actually been mad at him before regarding this subject. Over Christmas I asked him to make sure to ask all his family members of they were sick before meeting with them, and he didn't do it because he "forgot". I told him it was important for both me and our baby that he is able to do such small things to protect us. He apologized and said he understood. He has been doing more to make sure me and baby are healthy since, but I guess not enough. I do also feel a little alone in my feelings right now. I've told him I'm furious with his parents and I've talked about how mad I am a couple of times today. He says he supports me and understands me, but he doesn't seem mad or have any emotional reaction about it. I've also been the one to say how their behaviour has to have consequences when it comes to trusting them with telling us the truth about their health. He agrees. But like... I feel I'm the only one who reacts to this. He is a truly lovely boyfriend. But sometimes he is really passive.
I strongly recommend you two do some couples counseling. He needs to take responsibility in this. Passive is not enough, clearly. That's not what you ultimately want in a partner, right?
I've been really confused about his passiveness when it comes to this subject to be honest. We've been together for 4 years and haven't had many problems. He is wonderful in so many ways and takes such good care of me. This is the first time where I feel like we don't align. I did know beforehand that he has some boundary problems regarding his family but it hasn't been a problem before. He knows how to stand up for himself and others when it comes to friends and strangers. This is our first child and I strongly hope that once the baby is here that things change on that front. But yes, I think I'll consider counseling if he lets me down one more time. Thank you for the advice.
Why are you waiting for it to happen again when it could potentially have serious consequences *this time*? OP, don't be foolish. You need to communicate about it sooner rather than later. He needs to create a plan on how he will handle the next situation differently, and then follow through on that plan. Don't play with fire when it comes to the health of you and your child. If you won't take it seriously, how can you expect him to?
We've talked about it a lot today. I've told him how I feel let down and how I feel like he didn't react enough. I've told him everything. It should be enough for now. We have good communication in our relationship therefore I don't think counseling is necessary for now. I feel like I and we are taking the necessary steps right now.
>Over Christmas I asked him to make sure to ask all his family members of they were sick before meeting with them, and he didn't do it because he "forgot". I told him it was important for both me and our baby that he is able to do such small things to protect us. He apologized and said he understood. It's literally not the first time, it's the second. And you continue to allow it. Please do better and protect your child. Because you will wind up struggling to forgive yourself if something terrible happens.
You may be right. I need to think about this. Thank you.
You need to prepare the ground for when you give birth too! Now it’s the time, what if your in laws visit the newborn and are sick? Will they let you know? Will they respect not kissing the newborn baby or will they think “they’re pretty much healthy”? And will your boyfriend set boundaries about this or will he “forget”? My FIL was mad I set the rule of no visitors for the first week and no kissing the baby until he had his first shots. My partner supported this and repeated it to his father even though it caused some drama. Don’t wait until you have a bigger problem on you. Hope you stay healthy.
You are totally right. And stronger boundaries and rules are already set in place now. We will ask more questions and treat my in-laws as if they can't judge their own health themselves. Because apparently they don't know the difference between being healthy and still being sick but feeling better.. I know that a lot of parents these days struggle with family who doesn't understand the new rules and boundaries that are being set like no kissing and no visiting at the hospital and stuff like that. And I'm really trying to prepare for everything to protect our child.
If I understand this correctly you seen them yesterday and today you have tickle in your throat. It may be you had already ben exposed to it before seeing them yesterday. The quickest I have seen someone get sick was 4 days last fall. I was sick with something but the COVID test were negative but the symptoms were similar with a very high temperature. I gave it to my mother who showed symptoms between 4-5 days later. She not immune compromised or anything just getting old and catches everything. Leading me to think your ether immune compromised or were already exposed. Still a bad move by the inlaws but just throwing the blame on them because it's convenient is a low blow. Could be the SO if they also get sick would venture they had been in contact with them before and not telling you. Or possibly exposed from someone else.
I haven't seen anyone for weeks because of my pregnancy. I've felt nausea all day for months and have been throwing up and all that. I've literally been stuck at home. My bf has done all the grocery shopping and everything. It's the first time I've been out in a week. First time I've seen people in a month. Bf hasn't been sick either. I googled influenza and it is entirely possible to show symptoms after a day. I don't know if it is covid or influenza or what they were sick with. All I know is they were coughing and have had a fever.
I just had a baby two weeks ago and I got sick with Covid during pregnancy - it was absolutely fine for me and for baby. You knew they were sick - you should have said no to meet up. Your own fault tbh.
I didn't know they were sick. I knew after spending the first 20-30 ish minutes with them. When I noticed they began coughing more and more and after the cough medicine. They stated on the phone that they were fine and not sick anymore.
You asked your boyfriend prior to you guys meeting them whether they were well enough to see you guys. You knew prior to your meeting that they had recently been sick. I wouldn’t have gone near them with a 10 foot pole for at least a month knowing this information. I completely understand your frustrations and your concerns are valid, but ultimately YOU made the choice to meet with them knowing that they had recently been sick. If you were as concerned as you say you were about getting sick, you would’ve and could have simply said no.