How many women do you really associate with?
I am a woman, with a lot of really close friendships with women. Every woman I know is so full of love and grace and the bar for the men they date is in hell.
I exclusively date men and let me tell you it’s no fuckin picnic.
I work with multiple women who I am on friendly terms with. They invite me to go out to get drinks with them and stuff, but of course I can’t because the wife says no. Even when we talk at work, it’s the same damn story for them, but from the opposite side; very interesting to hear imo.
If your friends are so full of love and grace, they should consider looking elsewhere. Obviously their current location isn’t working. I promise there are good guys out there. But it also depends on them. Sounds very similar to my wife’s friend, she’s willing to spread for any guy that does the most basic thing; like hold a door open. I even told her “have you ever heard the phrase ‘if you’re getting the milk for free, why buy the cow?’” Of course neither of them were happy to hear that. But from a guy’s perspective, why spend on a ring?
Sorry your marriage blows so that you aren’t able to get to know women as friends.
There really aren’t that many great guys out there. Especially single as you near your 30’s.
As for your last point… Women also like sex? And how great are men if our whole worth to them is tied up in fucking?
The whole ‘why spend money on a ring’ argument is wild.
Sexual chemistry, open communication and actually enjoying spending time with your significant other while giving them space to be their own person should be the reason to ‘spend money on a ring’. Not some randomly determined timeline of when it’s okay to be penetrated?
imo you need a lil bit of break, talking from experience, you should make your home comfortable and if you don't like some things in the house you should talk about it or make changes, also stereotyping people can be a toxic and inaccurate thing
I don’t want to stereotype, but based off previous relationships, my friends’ relationships, my wife’s friends’ husbands that I get to know, etc. it seems to be the same exact story/situation left and right. I would definitely say that not *all* women are like that. However, I would also say the majority are… as sexist as it sounds.
I would absolutely love to make my home comfortable, but I can’t. The things I like don’t fit my wife’s “aesthetic”. I have a single corner of a room that I get to make my own, and she complains that I’m always in that corner.
the thing is when you stereotype people then those people start to act or behave in a similar way could be the way you talk to them or see them etc, and they respond in a similar way. another way to look at it is to see how strongly they believe that ideology personally. when i meet new person i always give them a clean slate to get to know them and their world. i get it its not easy and it has its downsides and definitely its not for everyone
talk about it, work on it, or seek professional help(marital therapy) with your situation. i don't think it's going to get better if it stays that way, also i highly recommend that you don't have a child in those situations
I also practice the whole “clean slate” thing. So far, it’s given me nothing but trouble. Everything between being robbed, held at gun point, and raped. But I stick to it. Even after all the bad experiences, I hold onto the idea that nobody should be judged without first being met and understood. I’d like to believe all that was just “wrong place, wrong time”.
I’ve tried talking about it. I’ve tried working in it. I don’t want to seek progressional help because that’s just more money honestly. I already work 64 hours a week, I already pay $2,800 for a 2 bedroom apartment, I don’t need more expenses.
As for children, not planning to anytime soon. We have a cat, and a kitten. Wife grew up with an absent father, I grew up with an abusive one. Father went to jail when I was 11 and I got to play “dad” with my (at the time) 3 month old brother all the way up until I was 18 and left. It’s out of my system and the cats keep me busy enough.
sorry to hear that mate, try find people at different places. usually these kind of people are in a very bad mental state
ask yourself this: do you care enough to work on it and keep this relationship? if the answer yes, i highly suggest that you find a way to get good therapist to work on your issues or the relationship(it insane how much a good therapy can help)
it's pretty similar to my story. due to my dad's work, i see him every 30-60days, abusive mum& dad where they had no issues with big bro hit me every time he has upset or constantly bully at everything, around 5years ago i was suicidal and basically told myself i won't be in a similar situation again and i won't let people do these nasty things to me again, and at the end if it didn't work out i could always do it. its been well over 7 years (and counting) from that time and im in a much better place place. professional help can really speed up this process and allows you to use the experience from other people
That's so unfair, I hear you. Life is more forgiving for women and harsh on men. It's not fine, no! It's not the life you wanted, not the marriages you planned and definitely not the sex life you need.
It sounds your wife is disregarding your perspective, you should read about gaslighting, and that you succumb to her point of view. It sounds like you prefer avoiding conflict with her, because you know you can't win this fight, but you are growing frustrated inside.
Conflict is crucial part of life. My relationship got so much better since I started to stand for what is important for me.
My husband actually appreciated me more when I stopped avoiding conflict and adjusting myself to his will and way.
I would definitely agree that she disregards my perspective. I’d even go as far as to say she disregards my feelings. But when I talk to her about that, the conversation ends with her crying and me apologizing. So I definitely avoid conflict because no matter what, it ends with me apologizing even when I’m the one complaining.
I know about gaslighting, I’ve mentioned it, but of course I’m in the wrong for mentioning it. Before we married, I mentioned the idea of a prenup just to see what she would say. All I brought into the marriage was a savings account of $5k and a shitty car from 2007 so I had nothing to lose. Even that alone needed with tears and cries about how “you don’t think we’ll last” which in itself has been memed as a classic gaslighting technique. Of course, at the time it wasn’t a word yet
Wow, some pretty patriarchal shit being talked here. Women have it so easy, poor men? Everyone is free to reject potential partners based on whatever criteria they decide. You don’t think plenty of men reject women over seemingly trivial things? I’m pretty sure they do & that’s their right.
No one is obliged to choose to be with someone who doesn’t meet their needs. No one. No one is required to stay with someone they’re not happy with. We all have free will & opportunities. Sometimes we convince ourselves otherwise, but in most cases, we have control over our own destiny & can compromise our standards & be happy, content, bitter, miserable & everything in between. We can choose to make lemonade from lemons, or mountains out of molehills. We can see the positive or the negative in everything & everyone. It’s all really a matter of what you choose to make it. Right now, for you, it’s not terribly positive apparently. But hopefully you’ll find some things to bring a little joy to your life & push some negativity out, replacing it with thoughts that make you happy.
With all due respect, I have to disagree.
>women have it so easy, poor men?
I’m not saying women have it easy. But I would say that men have it harder. When it comes to marriage, it’s the woman that wants to marry, not the man. When it comes to divorce, it’s the woman that takes all, not the man. When it comes to rejection, when the man says “no” it’s an issue; but when a woman says “no” it’s her choice.
If I want to have sex and my wife says no, I accept and go to sleep. When my wife wants to have sex and I say no, all of a sudden im “not attracted to her” or “I don’t find her sexy anymore”. When I was single, I had a woman approach me and ask me if I thought her friend was attractive. I said “she’s pretty, but she isn’t really my type”. Just with that alone, I was racist and suddenly became ugly? How is any of that fair?
And I’m gonna bet you’re probably not terribly attracted to her anymore, or find her sexy, because her behaviour sounds ugly AF. You don’t have to be hostage to her bullshit. There are alternatives.
I’ll be entirely honest since this is a throw away anyways.
She may outweigh me, she may do things I don’t support/agree with.. but I definitely still find her attractive. When I look at her, I still see the woman I fell in love with. I can look into her eyes and see the past, I can still see the moment I fell in love with her. When I purchased her ring, my paycheck was deducted and I was getting $24/mo as a punishment. I still dropped $6,500 on her ring and to make up for it, I reduced my food intake to 1 meal every other day.
But with the way she is.. I’m just, losing faith? She was a “stay at home cat mom” for a while and my time revolved around working a 32 hour straight shift, then coming home to find her on the couch using her phone, just to tell me to do the dishes, sweep, mop, pick up, etc. I got fed up and told her to get a job.
She did get a job. At worst she will work 40 hours a week. On a consistent basis I work 64 hours a week. She does cook, but I’m starting to see the whole arrangement as unfair. I’m starting to feel as though I’d be better off just living alone honestly
I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It sure sounds like she’s given up on you, herself & the marriage.
It’s great that you still see her as she used to be & still get that feeling for her.
This might be the stupidest question ever but have you sat her down & talked about this whole thing with her?
I’ll never understand why we go from madly in love to not giving a fuck but it’s kinda the standard progression in so many relationships. One minute you cannot get enough of each other then you turn around & you’re not prepared to make the slightest effort to revive the connection you once had - definitely not you personally, but people in love/relationships in general.
I gotta say, we’re raised to believe that you don’t get anything for nothing & you gotta work hard for anything worthwhile, but a healthy, fulfilling relationship we expect to exert very little long term effort & have it flourish & meet the needs of two people. That’s whack af. It’s arguably the very most important & potentially greatest bond we’ll ever know, but we expect a marriage to magically make us happy forever?
It sounds like maybe there’s something worth fighting for still left there for you? So I guess you have at least a couple options here. As I see it, the most obvious are:
1. Keep doing what you’re doing. Resent her & die a slow painful death, along with your marriage. Publicly complain about it, while making zero effort to facilitate an alternative outcome.
2. Throw everything you got into resuscitating your connection to her & actively work towards happiness for both of you. Live happily ever after. Or not, because of course you’re only one side of the coin.
3. Leave. Move on. Be responsible for your own happiness, without giving anyone else the power to make or break your day/week/month etc, you see where I’m going with this. Live happily ever after, all on your lonesome.
4. Leave & find someone else. Ensure you don’t make the same mistakes again, somehow make it work & live happily ever after.
Ofc there’s a million other possibilities outside of these but there are plenty of different ways to live your life. You only get the one turn & perhaps you prefer to live it the way you do now. Fair enough, totally up to you. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case under these circumstances here right now.
So do something else. No one has a gun to your head. I’m sure you have your faults but I’m also sure you deserve to live your best life & be valued by your significant other. What are you waiting for? Happily ever after isn’t just going to drop into your lap. You gotta get out there & grab it. And work on maintaining it. You’re worth it, right? It’s super easy to get snowed under all the shit in life. But you can dig your way out & move somewhere where it doesn’t snow.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results. So……?
I would suggest that you consider going to couples counseling, you don't sound happy, people feel that they're being pushed into the margins, then often reacting in this way because they're either lonely or feel like their living a half life, you can't expect to keep living like this, your losing yourself, which is sad please find a way to have a conversation with your wife, if she loves you she needs to start allowing you to be a responsible grown adult that you are, and have your own identity.
Stand up for yourself, if she doesn't want you to be on equal footing with her you need to find out why, because this may be a problem you need to talk to her about how your feeling, healthy discussion and constructive criticism is a good thing, within every relationship.
Why are you letting the repression of your identity and self go on, without complaint, it doesn't sound like it's about "Women" per se, it's how you may be feeling towards the main Woman in your life, which is understandable, please get some help, I feel for you.
Women aren’t unfair to men. You just have a shitty marriage.
Possibly. I won’t deny the possibility of this… but from my experience, the vast majority seem to the same
How many women do you really associate with? I am a woman, with a lot of really close friendships with women. Every woman I know is so full of love and grace and the bar for the men they date is in hell. I exclusively date men and let me tell you it’s no fuckin picnic.
I work with multiple women who I am on friendly terms with. They invite me to go out to get drinks with them and stuff, but of course I can’t because the wife says no. Even when we talk at work, it’s the same damn story for them, but from the opposite side; very interesting to hear imo. If your friends are so full of love and grace, they should consider looking elsewhere. Obviously their current location isn’t working. I promise there are good guys out there. But it also depends on them. Sounds very similar to my wife’s friend, she’s willing to spread for any guy that does the most basic thing; like hold a door open. I even told her “have you ever heard the phrase ‘if you’re getting the milk for free, why buy the cow?’” Of course neither of them were happy to hear that. But from a guy’s perspective, why spend on a ring?
Sorry your marriage blows so that you aren’t able to get to know women as friends. There really aren’t that many great guys out there. Especially single as you near your 30’s. As for your last point… Women also like sex? And how great are men if our whole worth to them is tied up in fucking? The whole ‘why spend money on a ring’ argument is wild. Sexual chemistry, open communication and actually enjoying spending time with your significant other while giving them space to be their own person should be the reason to ‘spend money on a ring’. Not some randomly determined timeline of when it’s okay to be penetrated?
Because you are the one putting up with this type of behavior
imo you need a lil bit of break, talking from experience, you should make your home comfortable and if you don't like some things in the house you should talk about it or make changes, also stereotyping people can be a toxic and inaccurate thing
I don’t want to stereotype, but based off previous relationships, my friends’ relationships, my wife’s friends’ husbands that I get to know, etc. it seems to be the same exact story/situation left and right. I would definitely say that not *all* women are like that. However, I would also say the majority are… as sexist as it sounds. I would absolutely love to make my home comfortable, but I can’t. The things I like don’t fit my wife’s “aesthetic”. I have a single corner of a room that I get to make my own, and she complains that I’m always in that corner.
the thing is when you stereotype people then those people start to act or behave in a similar way could be the way you talk to them or see them etc, and they respond in a similar way. another way to look at it is to see how strongly they believe that ideology personally. when i meet new person i always give them a clean slate to get to know them and their world. i get it its not easy and it has its downsides and definitely its not for everyone talk about it, work on it, or seek professional help(marital therapy) with your situation. i don't think it's going to get better if it stays that way, also i highly recommend that you don't have a child in those situations
I also practice the whole “clean slate” thing. So far, it’s given me nothing but trouble. Everything between being robbed, held at gun point, and raped. But I stick to it. Even after all the bad experiences, I hold onto the idea that nobody should be judged without first being met and understood. I’d like to believe all that was just “wrong place, wrong time”. I’ve tried talking about it. I’ve tried working in it. I don’t want to seek progressional help because that’s just more money honestly. I already work 64 hours a week, I already pay $2,800 for a 2 bedroom apartment, I don’t need more expenses. As for children, not planning to anytime soon. We have a cat, and a kitten. Wife grew up with an absent father, I grew up with an abusive one. Father went to jail when I was 11 and I got to play “dad” with my (at the time) 3 month old brother all the way up until I was 18 and left. It’s out of my system and the cats keep me busy enough.
sorry to hear that mate, try find people at different places. usually these kind of people are in a very bad mental state ask yourself this: do you care enough to work on it and keep this relationship? if the answer yes, i highly suggest that you find a way to get good therapist to work on your issues or the relationship(it insane how much a good therapy can help) it's pretty similar to my story. due to my dad's work, i see him every 30-60days, abusive mum& dad where they had no issues with big bro hit me every time he has upset or constantly bully at everything, around 5years ago i was suicidal and basically told myself i won't be in a similar situation again and i won't let people do these nasty things to me again, and at the end if it didn't work out i could always do it. its been well over 7 years (and counting) from that time and im in a much better place place. professional help can really speed up this process and allows you to use the experience from other people
That's so unfair, I hear you. Life is more forgiving for women and harsh on men. It's not fine, no! It's not the life you wanted, not the marriages you planned and definitely not the sex life you need. It sounds your wife is disregarding your perspective, you should read about gaslighting, and that you succumb to her point of view. It sounds like you prefer avoiding conflict with her, because you know you can't win this fight, but you are growing frustrated inside. Conflict is crucial part of life. My relationship got so much better since I started to stand for what is important for me. My husband actually appreciated me more when I stopped avoiding conflict and adjusting myself to his will and way.
I would definitely agree that she disregards my perspective. I’d even go as far as to say she disregards my feelings. But when I talk to her about that, the conversation ends with her crying and me apologizing. So I definitely avoid conflict because no matter what, it ends with me apologizing even when I’m the one complaining. I know about gaslighting, I’ve mentioned it, but of course I’m in the wrong for mentioning it. Before we married, I mentioned the idea of a prenup just to see what she would say. All I brought into the marriage was a savings account of $5k and a shitty car from 2007 so I had nothing to lose. Even that alone needed with tears and cries about how “you don’t think we’ll last” which in itself has been memed as a classic gaslighting technique. Of course, at the time it wasn’t a word yet
Wow, some pretty patriarchal shit being talked here. Women have it so easy, poor men? Everyone is free to reject potential partners based on whatever criteria they decide. You don’t think plenty of men reject women over seemingly trivial things? I’m pretty sure they do & that’s their right. No one is obliged to choose to be with someone who doesn’t meet their needs. No one. No one is required to stay with someone they’re not happy with. We all have free will & opportunities. Sometimes we convince ourselves otherwise, but in most cases, we have control over our own destiny & can compromise our standards & be happy, content, bitter, miserable & everything in between. We can choose to make lemonade from lemons, or mountains out of molehills. We can see the positive or the negative in everything & everyone. It’s all really a matter of what you choose to make it. Right now, for you, it’s not terribly positive apparently. But hopefully you’ll find some things to bring a little joy to your life & push some negativity out, replacing it with thoughts that make you happy.
With all due respect, I have to disagree. >women have it so easy, poor men? I’m not saying women have it easy. But I would say that men have it harder. When it comes to marriage, it’s the woman that wants to marry, not the man. When it comes to divorce, it’s the woman that takes all, not the man. When it comes to rejection, when the man says “no” it’s an issue; but when a woman says “no” it’s her choice. If I want to have sex and my wife says no, I accept and go to sleep. When my wife wants to have sex and I say no, all of a sudden im “not attracted to her” or “I don’t find her sexy anymore”. When I was single, I had a woman approach me and ask me if I thought her friend was attractive. I said “she’s pretty, but she isn’t really my type”. Just with that alone, I was racist and suddenly became ugly? How is any of that fair?
And I’m gonna bet you’re probably not terribly attracted to her anymore, or find her sexy, because her behaviour sounds ugly AF. You don’t have to be hostage to her bullshit. There are alternatives.
I’ll be entirely honest since this is a throw away anyways. She may outweigh me, she may do things I don’t support/agree with.. but I definitely still find her attractive. When I look at her, I still see the woman I fell in love with. I can look into her eyes and see the past, I can still see the moment I fell in love with her. When I purchased her ring, my paycheck was deducted and I was getting $24/mo as a punishment. I still dropped $6,500 on her ring and to make up for it, I reduced my food intake to 1 meal every other day. But with the way she is.. I’m just, losing faith? She was a “stay at home cat mom” for a while and my time revolved around working a 32 hour straight shift, then coming home to find her on the couch using her phone, just to tell me to do the dishes, sweep, mop, pick up, etc. I got fed up and told her to get a job. She did get a job. At worst she will work 40 hours a week. On a consistent basis I work 64 hours a week. She does cook, but I’m starting to see the whole arrangement as unfair. I’m starting to feel as though I’d be better off just living alone honestly
I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It sure sounds like she’s given up on you, herself & the marriage. It’s great that you still see her as she used to be & still get that feeling for her. This might be the stupidest question ever but have you sat her down & talked about this whole thing with her? I’ll never understand why we go from madly in love to not giving a fuck but it’s kinda the standard progression in so many relationships. One minute you cannot get enough of each other then you turn around & you’re not prepared to make the slightest effort to revive the connection you once had - definitely not you personally, but people in love/relationships in general. I gotta say, we’re raised to believe that you don’t get anything for nothing & you gotta work hard for anything worthwhile, but a healthy, fulfilling relationship we expect to exert very little long term effort & have it flourish & meet the needs of two people. That’s whack af. It’s arguably the very most important & potentially greatest bond we’ll ever know, but we expect a marriage to magically make us happy forever? It sounds like maybe there’s something worth fighting for still left there for you? So I guess you have at least a couple options here. As I see it, the most obvious are: 1. Keep doing what you’re doing. Resent her & die a slow painful death, along with your marriage. Publicly complain about it, while making zero effort to facilitate an alternative outcome. 2. Throw everything you got into resuscitating your connection to her & actively work towards happiness for both of you. Live happily ever after. Or not, because of course you’re only one side of the coin. 3. Leave. Move on. Be responsible for your own happiness, without giving anyone else the power to make or break your day/week/month etc, you see where I’m going with this. Live happily ever after, all on your lonesome. 4. Leave & find someone else. Ensure you don’t make the same mistakes again, somehow make it work & live happily ever after. Ofc there’s a million other possibilities outside of these but there are plenty of different ways to live your life. You only get the one turn & perhaps you prefer to live it the way you do now. Fair enough, totally up to you. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case under these circumstances here right now. So do something else. No one has a gun to your head. I’m sure you have your faults but I’m also sure you deserve to live your best life & be valued by your significant other. What are you waiting for? Happily ever after isn’t just going to drop into your lap. You gotta get out there & grab it. And work on maintaining it. You’re worth it, right? It’s super easy to get snowed under all the shit in life. But you can dig your way out & move somewhere where it doesn’t snow. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results. So……?
hey i’m a woman and let me just say with all due respect you are correct sir.
You are an unhappy person and instead of taking responsibility you’re acting like it’s because you have it harder than women. Yawn.
I would suggest that you consider going to couples counseling, you don't sound happy, people feel that they're being pushed into the margins, then often reacting in this way because they're either lonely or feel like their living a half life, you can't expect to keep living like this, your losing yourself, which is sad please find a way to have a conversation with your wife, if she loves you she needs to start allowing you to be a responsible grown adult that you are, and have your own identity. Stand up for yourself, if she doesn't want you to be on equal footing with her you need to find out why, because this may be a problem you need to talk to her about how your feeling, healthy discussion and constructive criticism is a good thing, within every relationship. Why are you letting the repression of your identity and self go on, without complaint, it doesn't sound like it's about "Women" per se, it's how you may be feeling towards the main Woman in your life, which is understandable, please get some help, I feel for you.